1
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Cheers <i>is filmed
before a live studio audience.</i>

2
00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:06,840
You sure you don't wanna
have another round, Jack?

3
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:09,468
Not me, pal. Let's get out of here.

4
00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:11,470
What's the damage, Mac?

5
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Oh, just let me figure it up here.

6
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That'll be 27.50.

7
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Ouch. You sure?

8
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Yep, you two gentlemen
had four peach daiquiris

9
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and three crème de men the frappés.

10
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Something funny, dipstick?

11
00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:38,372
In the paper this morning, yeah,
it seems that, oh,

12
00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:41,250
the Sarge got tricked
by Beetle Bailey again.

13
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See, Beetle put some itching powder
in his shorts.

14
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Oh, we thought that maybe
you was laughing at our drink order.

15
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Oh, on the contrary.
No, no, no--

16
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Woody, let me have another mocha
froth, will you? And keep them coming.

17
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Hey, guess who's gonna interview me
on the radio tonight?

18
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Someone with a taste for adventure.

19
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- Dave Richards, my old buddy.
- Hey.

20
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And a 2-by-4 for a brain.

21
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I need Dewar's rocks, please.

22
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What's your big problem with Dave?

23
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,689
I mean,
ever since he came in this place,

24
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you've been badmouthing the guy.

25
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For some strange reason,
I find it hard to respect a man

26
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with the bumper sticker
"Honk if you're horny."

27
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- That's pretty good.
- Yeah. Honk, honk, honk!

28
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Oh, there's news.

29
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Hey, Sam, what time do you have
to be at the radio station?

30
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No, it's a phone interview.
You know, it's that sports talk show

31
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that Dave does after the Red Sox games.

32
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- Evening, everybody.
- Norm!

33
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- What do you say, Norm?
- Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink.

34
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And down it goes, huh?

35
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- We missed you last night, buddy.
- You did?

36
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- Yeah.
- Well, Vera and I went out dancing

37
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with the Henshaws.
The next-door neighbors.

38
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- Oh, what, again?
- Normie, dancing?

39
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- Yeah.
- I didn't think you liked walking.

40
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You kidding? I love dancing.
I could watch for hours.

41
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You don't dance yourself?

42
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Vera's the dancer in our family.
She even has dancer's buns, Sammy.

43
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Too bad they're on her calves, though.
You know, it's kind of...

44
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So, Normie, who was the--?
Who was Vera dancing with then?

45
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- The guy, Ron Henshaw.
- Oh, yeah?

46
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,383
- Yeah. Good dancer.
- Oh, is he?

47
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Well, they dance
the slow dances, do they?

48
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Yeah, a few times.
Why do you ask, Cliff?

49
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Oh, no reason, no reason.
But you know, during the slow dances,

50
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certain parts of the body
rub up against one another.

51
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You know, thigh touches thigh,
purely by accident.

52
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Before you know it,
you're hosing them off like dogs.

53
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It's good clean fun, all right, Cliffy?

54
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Yeah, well, I know which way
the wind blows.

55
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Yeah, usually out of your mouth.

56
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Cheers.

57
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,082
Oh, yeah, he's right here.

58
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Sam, it's some guy
from the radio station.

59
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Dave's ready to go on the air!

60
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All right, all right, I'll be in my office.
Pipe down.

61
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I can't believe I'm talking
to a real radio station.

62
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Hey, hey, listen, while I've got you,
could you please play <i>Roxanne</i>

63
00:04:22,179 --> 00:04:24,014
and dedicate it to my girl?

64
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No, no, her name's Beth.

65
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But I don't think there's
a song called <i>Beth.</i>

66
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Oh, hi, Sam. Oh, right,
I'll hang up. Goodbye.

67
00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:35,358
Well, it's not really goodbye
because we're not actually--

68
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Right now? Yes, okay.
They're ready.

69
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<i>- What's the score?
- What's the line?</i>

70
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<i>- Who's ahead?
- Who's behind?</i>

71
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<i>Hey, let's ask Dave!</i>

72
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<i>Who's behind? Come on,
can we say that on the air?</i>

73
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<i>Yes, it's me, Dave Richards,
with</i> Sports Shorts.

74
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<i>Well, we don't have much time
because the Red Sox</i>

75
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<i>were involved in another
long, boring extra-inning game.</i>

76
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<i>So let's get right to tonight's guest.</i>

77
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<i>He's former Red Sox relief pitcher</i>

78
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<i>and one of my buds, Sam Malone.
How you doing?</i>

79
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<i>Sure am, Dave. How are you?</i>

80
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<i>- Just great. And you?
- Couldn't be better.</i>

81
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<i>That's great to hear.
Boy, we've had some fun...</i>

82
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Where does one send
for a transcript?

83
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<i>Well, I think we've hogged
the airwaves long enough, Sam.</i>

84
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<i>So let's open up those phone lines
for you listeners out there.</i>

85
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<i>Got a question you've been dying
to ask Sam Malone?</i>

86
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<i>Well, here's your chance.</i>

87
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<i>Former major league great
Mayday Malone.</i>

88
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<i>All the lines are clear,
and it is a toll-free call.</i>

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<i>It doesn't have to be about baseball.
Anything at all. Anything.</i>

90
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<i>Hey, we've got a call.
You're on the</i> Shorts.

91
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Hey, Sam, where'd you put the olives?

92
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<i>Woody-- Woody, get off the--</i>

93
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Get off the phone!

94
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- He said, 'Anything at all."
<i>- Here's another one.</i>

95
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<i>- Go ahead.
- Sam, you were known as</i>

96
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<i>quite a ladies' man
during your playing days.</i>

97
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<i>Are women more impressed
by a man in a baseball uniform?</i>

98
00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:06,908
<i>Well, actually I found women
were a lot more impressed</i>

99
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<i>when I was out of my uniform,
if you get my drift.</i>

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Hey.

101
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<i>No, seriously, you know,
a lot of the chicks I dated</i>

102
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<i>know nothing about
the game of baseball at all.</i>

103
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<i>You know, in fact, one former
love bunny actually brought a book</i>

104
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<i>to a Red Sox game to pass time
between pitches.</i>

105
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- "Love bunny"?
<i>- A book? You mean, like, to read?</i>

106
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<i>I swear to God, Dave.</i>

107
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Gee, I wonder who
that was, Diane.

108
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<i>--His grandchildren about that.
Anyway, this is Dave Richards</i>

109
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<i>saying, "Be a sport.
Don't be a jerk." Goodbye.</i>

110
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Great show.

111
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Hey, do you love me, public?

112
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Love bunny?

113
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What's wrong with that?

114
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How dare you callously
and cruelly lump me in

115
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with the other conglomeration
of Twinkies

116
00:07:03,965 --> 00:07:08,178
that constitutes your sexual past.

117
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There's just no pleasing that woman.

118
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- Hello, Norm.
- Oh, Phyllis.

119
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- What are you doing here?
- Well, I took the chance

120
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- I might find you here.
- Whoa, what are the odds?

121
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You guys, this is Phyllis Henshaw.

122
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,868
- Hi.
- So where's Ron?

123
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I don't know.

124
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Could we talk privately?

125
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Sure, yeah. Just follow me here.

126
00:07:42,837 --> 00:07:45,131
- Can I get you anything?
- No. No, thank you.

127
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What's up?

128
00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:53,306
Norm, I've been trying to think
of an easy way to say this,

129
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but I can't.

130
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I think Vera and Ron
are having an affair.

131
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Vera and Ron?

132
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Did you guys all get that back there?

133
00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:10,907
That's just great. How about you guys?
Did you get that, everyone?

134
00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:13,535
Come on, let's just get away
from the peanut gallery here.

135
00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:18,039
This is kind of hard to believe, Phyllis.

136
00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:19,541
I mean,
what makes you think they are?

137
00:08:19,874 --> 00:08:22,752
- Oh, Norm, come on. You're not blind.
- What? What?

138
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:26,131
Haven't you seen the way they look
at each other when they're dancing?

139
00:08:26,297 --> 00:08:28,550
And I don't have to tell you
how attractive Vera is.

140
00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:30,760
No, you certainly don't.

141
00:08:32,554 --> 00:08:35,265
And Ron's always going over
to "borrow" things from you.

142
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Yeah, but-- Well, all right, yeah.

143
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Now, Vera said that he came over
yesterday to borrow a power drill,

144
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:46,693
- but I really...
- Norm, we have a power drill.

145
00:08:48,820 --> 00:08:50,613
Variable speed?

146
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:53,616
Yes.

147
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- Cordless?
- Oh, my God!

148
00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:58,705
Phyllis, this doesn't necessarily mean
anything.

149
00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:01,583
Well, we have to find out. I think we
ought to hire a private detective.

150
00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:04,461
No, I think you're jumping
the gun a little bit.

151
00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:06,004
- Oh, are we?
- Yes. Yeah, I do.

152
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:08,506
Well, Ron told me he'd be home
all night. Let's just see if he is.

153
00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:11,801
Sure, I'm sure--
Look-- Get--

154
00:09:12,135 --> 00:09:13,762
So, what's up, buddy?

155
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,222
It's probably nothing, I hope.

156
00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:18,933
Oh, come on, Norm.
Fill us in, will you?

157
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:20,852
I mean, we're--
We're your friends here.

158
00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:24,397
We're sensitive and caring,
and our only concern is your support.

159
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:25,940
You know that, Norman.

160
00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:28,359
Well, all right, how much did you
overhear so far?

161
00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:30,904
Well, everything but the location

162
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,989
where they're satisfying their pagan lust.

163
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:39,204
No, this just can't be true, Mr Peterson.
They wouldn't do that.

164
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,581
I mean, they're both married,
for Pete's sake.

165
00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:43,625
How old are you?

166
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,838
Well, what--? What happened?

167
00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:50,423
Ron's not home.

168
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:54,052
- Hire a private dick, Norm.
- Hey, my cousin Santo's a gumshoe,

169
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:55,637
- and a great one.
- Great, great.

170
00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:58,139
He's professional, thorough
and a master of disguise.

171
00:09:58,306 --> 00:10:00,183
- I'm sure he is.
- Not just as people either,

172
00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:03,686
but things. Furniture.
I mean, he could be here right now.

173
00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:08,358
Norman, I think it's a mistake.
Don't give in to suspicion.

174
00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:10,985
Baloney! Hire Santo.
Better safe than sorry.

175
00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:14,030
- No, Norm...
- Norman, trust-- Trust--

176
00:10:14,906 --> 00:10:16,866
Who are these people?

177
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:20,078
All right. Wait a minute. Just--
Would you wait a minute, now?

178
00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:25,583
Phyllis, you may not know about Ron,
but Vera happens to love me, all right?

179
00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:28,711
And I certainly love her.
I'm gonna call her right this minute.

180
00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:30,463
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna tell her that.

181
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,216
- Yeah.
- She better be there to hear it.

182
00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:34,843
She will.

183
00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:41,975
Oh, hi, honey.

184
00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:48,690
No, nothing, nothing, I just, actually,
called to tell you that I love you.

185
00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:54,612
The usual time.
All right, fine. Yeah, bye. Bye.

186
00:10:57,615 --> 00:11:00,827
She said she's just sitting
home alone listening to records.

187
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:03,246
Oh, I could hear Johnny Mathis
singing in the background.

188
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,290
There you go. I knew it.

189
00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:07,667
Now, that's good news,
isn't it, Mr Peterson?

190
00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:08,960
Yeah.

191
00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:13,006
It'd even be better if we had
a Johnny Mathis album.

192
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:16,634
We have one.

193
00:11:20,054 --> 00:11:22,348
All right, Carla, call your cousin.

194
00:11:35,278 --> 00:11:36,946
Hey. Did you enjoy your dinner?

195
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:44,078
Hey. Hey, listen.

196
00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:46,956
Excuse me, miss?

197
00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:49,751
Are you or are you not
speaking to me?

198
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,878
Never ever again.

199
00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:57,008
How could you?

200
00:11:58,134 --> 00:12:00,261
After all we've been through.

201
00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:04,849
What we had together
was real and special,

202
00:12:05,016 --> 00:12:08,061
and now you've cheapened it
for all eternity

203
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:11,648
by broadcasting to the entire
Boston metropolitan area

204
00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:17,570
that I was nothing but
an odalisque in your seraglio.

205
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:23,910
If that's your idea of the silent
treatment, it needs a little work.

206
00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:28,206
Oh, come on...
All right, all right,

207
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:32,794
whatever it is I said, and whatever
the hell it was that you just said,

208
00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:36,798
what if--? What if I go back
on the air there and apologize?

209
00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:38,299
Will that fix things up?

210
00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:43,930
Do whatever you want.
I couldn't care less.

211
00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:46,474
Keep it short and simple.

212
00:12:48,851 --> 00:12:50,186
Something dignified.

213
00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:52,105
No sweat.

214
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:55,858
I'll write the script for you.

215
00:12:56,192 --> 00:12:58,111
Well, is there anything else
you can tell me?

216
00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:01,197
No. No, I think that's just
about everything.

217
00:13:01,364 --> 00:13:02,657
When can you start?

218
00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:05,910
Look, you both seem like nice people,
huh? Do yourselves a favor.

219
00:13:06,077 --> 00:13:07,370
Don't hire me.

220
00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:11,249
Well, that's an interesting sales pitch
you have there,

221
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:13,918
- but we're quite serious about this.
- And you don't know

222
00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:16,504
what you're letting yourselves
in for here. A lot of pain,

223
00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:18,381
a lot of heartache, a lot of misery.

224
00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:20,508
And that's just when you see the bill.

225
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:23,553
My cousin, she's a pistol.

226
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:27,682
Mr Carbone, by hiring you, we hope
to prove our spouses innocent.

227
00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:30,018
- Yeah, there you go.
- Well, in most of these cases

228
00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:33,396
the news is otherwise.
Believe me, I've seen it a million times.

229
00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:37,442
A bored husband, fed up with leftovers
in the bedroom as well as the kitchen,

230
00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:40,862
starts eyeing the cute little pastry tart
next door who's only too happy

231
00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:43,156
to serve up a little dessert.

232
00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:46,451
That's not true in our case, is it, Norm?

233
00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:50,621
No. No way. Anyone else hungry?

234
00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:55,960
Look, nothing like this
has ever happened before.

235
00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:58,671
Up until now, we've both
had happy marriages.

236
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:02,467
Please, believe me,
people who don't know are better off.

237
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:08,097
- Could you excuse us for a minute?
- Yeah, sure.

238
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:11,851
Well, Norm, what do you think?

239
00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:14,354
I'm not so sure we should
hire this guy.

240
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,231
Well, if we're being made fools of,
I'd prefer to know it.

241
00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:20,360
Can't we just assume it
and save a little money here?

242
00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:27,075
All right, look, Mr Carbone,

243
00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:29,077
we're gonna hire your services,
all right?

244
00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:30,536
Your funeral.

245
00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:34,290
- Thanks for the referral, Carla.
- Yeah, see you, Santo.

246
00:14:34,457 --> 00:14:35,458
Yeah.

247
00:14:41,506 --> 00:14:46,594
- You're Diane Chambers, aren't you?
- Yes, I am. You look familiar.

248
00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:50,056
Weren't you an attendant
at Goldenbrook?

249
00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:51,557
That was just my cover.

250
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:56,938
Santo was the one who I hired to track
you down at the insane asylum.

251
00:14:57,939 --> 00:15:00,775
It wasn't an insane asylum, damn it!

252
00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:04,487
It was more like a spa.

253
00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:07,615
You're out already, huh?

254
00:15:09,951 --> 00:15:12,870
Of course I'm out.

255
00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:15,873
- Why wouldn't I be out?
- No reason.

256
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,584
Look, you take it easy.

257
00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:29,679
<i>Okay, Sam Malone is back on
the show with a prepared statement</i>

258
00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:31,973
<i>that he's gonna read.
Go ahead, Sammy.</i>

259
00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:37,979
<i>Ladies and gentlemen, a week
ago on this program, I, Sam Malone,</i>

260
00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:43,192
<i>committed a faux pas
of the highest magnitude.</i>

261
00:15:43,901 --> 00:15:47,905
<i>I insensitively included
a wonderful woman in a category</i>

262
00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:52,368
<i>in which she certainly
did not merit inclusion.</i>

263
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:56,747
<i>I apologize to her and indeed
to women everywhere,</i>

264
00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:58,332
<i>both living and dead,</i>

265
00:15:59,375 --> 00:16:02,837
<i>whose sensibilities
may have been offended.</i>

266
00:16:03,004 --> 00:16:05,089
<i>Yeah, yeah, well, whatever
peels your potatoes, Sam.</i>

267
00:16:05,256 --> 00:16:07,133
<i>Our next guest is a guy that played--</i>

268
00:16:07,341 --> 00:16:10,344
- Very well done. Thank you, Sam.
- Yeah?

269
00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:12,680
You're welcome, little love bunny.

270
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:17,810
<i>Oy vey.</i>

271
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,396
You all right, Mr Peterson?
You've been awful quiet tonight.

272
00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:24,484
I was thinking about a high school
football game, actually.

273
00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:29,322
That was a long time ago, Woody.
And far away from here.

274
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,116
We were playing our archrivals
for the state championship, you know?

275
00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:37,872
And I saw the cutest little cheerleader
that I've ever seen in my life

276
00:16:38,039 --> 00:16:39,665
just cheering her heart out.

277
00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,585
Yeah. I looked at her,

278
00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:46,297
and the sun seemed to be shining
only where she stood. You know what I mean?

279
00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:53,387
And she seemed to be everything
that was bright and pure and good.

280
00:16:54,222 --> 00:16:58,184
I knew right then and there that I
wanted to make that little gal my wife.

281
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,062
So I turned to Vera, and I said,

282
00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:03,481
"Honey, would you mind introducing
me to that cheerleader?"

283
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:07,902
I'm joking, Woody.

284
00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:10,780
Of course that little cheerleader
was Vera.

285
00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:14,200
Hey, can I ask you a question,
Mr Peterson?

286
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,536
- Sure, Woody.
- Who won the game?

287
00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:22,875
You know, I really couldn't tell you
who won, Woody, but...

288
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:26,462
tonight I sure know who lost.

289
00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:30,424
Well, can't you figure
it out from that?

290
00:17:36,347 --> 00:17:39,100
- Could I have another beer, please?
- Yeah. Coming up.

291
00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:49,193
Norm. Hi, I just got a call
from Mr Carbone.

292
00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:51,737
He's gonna drop by with his report
in a few minutes.

293
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,073
- Did he say anything?
- No, he said he wanted to wait

294
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,283
and talk to us in person.

295
00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:56,659
Oh, man.

296
00:17:58,661 --> 00:18:00,538
Could we wait in the backroom,
where it's private?

297
00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:02,373
All right. Sure.

298
00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:17,763
- Oh, Norm, where did we go wrong?
- I don't know.

299
00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:20,725
I've been racking my brain
trying to figure it out.

300
00:18:21,392 --> 00:18:24,270
I mean, day after day, night after night,
I sit on that stool out there

301
00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:27,106
wondering, "Why did she lose interest in me?"

302
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,111
Norm, listen.

303
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:35,364
Whatever the outcome,
I want you to know

304
00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:39,243
I couldn't have gotten through this
without you. You've been a tower of strength.

305
00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:43,414
You've been great too, Phyllis.
Thank you.

306
00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:48,377
What if the news is bad?
I mean, what then?

307
00:18:49,837 --> 00:18:51,839
- Well, I know what I'm gonna do.
- Oh, yeah?

308
00:18:52,006 --> 00:18:55,092
I'm gonna go right out and have
an affair myself. Maybe lots of them.

309
00:18:55,926 --> 00:18:59,889
You are darn right.
That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

310
00:19:01,182 --> 00:19:03,059
Just watch my dust.

311
00:19:06,937 --> 00:19:10,691
Of course, the difficult part is...

312
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,653
finding the right person.

313
00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:15,905
It's hard, all right.

314
00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:21,035
Now, that's always the hard part.

315
00:19:21,911 --> 00:19:24,497
You know, it would have to be
someone who really understands me.

316
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:25,873
You know what I mean?

317
00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:29,126
Someone you could depend on?

318
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:31,962
But who? I wouldn't know
where to begin.

319
00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:35,007
I'd be completely lost.

320
00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:55,778
Of course, I wouldn't wanna
break up a marriage

321
00:19:55,945 --> 00:19:59,365
like those two home wreckers.

322
00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:01,951
Those jackals.

323
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,622
Adulterers.

324
00:20:07,456 --> 00:20:09,041
Fornicators.

325
00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:18,592
All right-- Oh, for God's sakes!

326
00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:24,056
Boy, this is one for the books.
God help us all.

327
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,809
All right.
Just-- No commentary, please.

328
00:20:26,976 --> 00:20:28,686
Skip it and just give us
the report here.

329
00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:31,772
All right, all right. I followed them
everywhere. From the supermarket

330
00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:33,941
to the movie theater to the golf course.

331
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:38,112
Last night I got what I wanted
at the Sea Shanty restaurant.

332
00:20:38,696 --> 00:20:40,823
- Well, let's hear the tape.
- Yeah, let's.

333
00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:42,533
I don't wanna hang around
here any longer than I gotta.

334
00:20:44,618 --> 00:20:47,246
<i>- We've put this off too long.
- Well, we wanted to be sure</i>

335
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,540
<i>- about some things.
- Right, I--</i>

336
00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:52,501
- Busboy dropped a tray.
- What did she say?

337
00:20:52,668 --> 00:20:54,587
- I couldn't hear a thing.
<i>- What did you say?</i>

338
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:58,257
<i>I said I can't go through with it.
I just can't hurt Norm.</i>

339
00:20:59,216 --> 00:21:03,220
<i>I feel exactly the same way.
I can't hurt Norm either.</i>

340
00:21:05,848 --> 00:21:08,058
<i>- Well, I guess that's that.
- Yeah, I just realized</i>

341
00:21:08,225 --> 00:21:10,227
<i>in a strange kind of way
that I still love him.</i>

342
00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:12,855
<i>With all his faults. He's never home.</i>

343
00:21:13,022 --> 00:21:15,691
<i>And so he hangs out
in some bar downtown.</i>

344
00:21:15,858 --> 00:21:20,237
<i>And, as far as our sex life goes,
he's not exactly Don Juan.</i>

345
00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:22,490
<i>It's more like</i> Don of the Dead.

346
00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:25,367
I think we get the gist here.

347
00:21:27,870 --> 00:21:30,331
So nothing went on.

348
00:21:30,915 --> 00:21:33,959
Nothing. Vera and Ron happen
to be two of the sweetest people

349
00:21:34,126 --> 00:21:38,047
I ever ran across. They actually
changed my mind about this filthy business.

350
00:21:38,214 --> 00:21:40,841
Then I walk in here,
and I'm right back in the sewer.

351
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:45,387
Well, you'll pardon me
if I go home now, won't you?

352
00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:48,224
I mean, suddenly
I feel like a shower.

353
00:21:50,351 --> 00:21:52,353
Hey-- You know--

354
00:21:53,103 --> 00:21:54,605
I'm gonna miss him.

355
00:21:57,441 --> 00:21:58,818
I...

356
00:21:59,527 --> 00:22:01,153
Well...

357
00:22:02,404 --> 00:22:05,699
...that's good news then, right, Norm?

358
00:22:06,116 --> 00:22:07,493
Yeah, I guess so.

359
00:22:08,077 --> 00:22:12,248
So I guess we don't have to go out and
find somebody to have an affair with.

360
00:22:12,623 --> 00:22:14,041
Guess not.

361
00:22:16,293 --> 00:22:18,003
Norm, can I ask you something?

362
00:22:18,462 --> 00:22:19,547
Yeah.

363
00:22:20,881 --> 00:22:24,301
When we kissed before,
did anything happen?

364
00:22:25,177 --> 00:22:27,596
Of course something happened.
Why would you ask that?

365
00:22:27,805 --> 00:22:29,557
You don't believe what Vera said
about our sex life?

366
00:22:29,723 --> 00:22:31,308
- No, no, not at all.
- Okay. Fine.

367
00:22:35,187 --> 00:22:37,982
It's just that, well, you know,

368
00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:41,277
just because Ron and Vera
didn't do anything

369
00:22:41,443 --> 00:22:43,612
doesn't mean that we have to...

370
00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:47,533
Well, what I'm trying to say is,

371
00:22:47,700 --> 00:22:50,119
is that when we kissed
something happened to me.

372
00:22:50,828 --> 00:22:53,497
When I heard that tape, Phyllis,
something happened to me.

373
00:22:54,790 --> 00:22:56,750
I realized how much Vera
means to me.

374
00:22:58,711 --> 00:23:01,630
Well, then, why don't you just run
on home to your precious little wife?

375
00:23:02,631 --> 00:23:05,217
All right, I'm gonna.
I'm gonna do just that.

376
00:23:06,677 --> 00:23:08,762
Right after a couple more beers.

377
00:23:14,977 --> 00:23:17,980
- I'm sorry, Norm.
- No, no, no.

378
00:23:18,522 --> 00:23:21,817
You know, in a strange kind of way,
I like Vera.

379
00:23:22,693 --> 00:23:24,528
Yeah, well, that's the only kind
of way you can.

380
00:23:25,571 --> 00:23:27,281
Oh, stop it.

381
00:23:28,991 --> 00:23:31,660
Yeah. I kind of like her too.

382
00:23:37,041 --> 00:23:40,085
- You know, she's a lucky woman.
- Come on.

383
00:23:41,545 --> 00:23:44,840
You are a definite hunk.

384
00:23:48,344 --> 00:23:49,637
Bye-bye.

385
00:23:56,936 --> 00:23:58,687
Norm Peterson...

386
00:23:59,229 --> 00:24:00,522
...hunk.

387
00:24:03,943 --> 00:24:04,860
Hi there.

388
00:24:05,027 --> 00:24:06,528
- Get lost.
- Right.