1
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:04,499
(Narrator) 'This is Cleopatra,
the fabulous queen of the Nile,

2
00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:06,665
'whose only resemblance to an iceberg

3
00:02:06,791 --> 00:02:09,415
'is that no more
than one tenth of her is visible.

4
00:02:09,541 --> 00:02:13,957
'while nine tenths, the better part of her,
is beneath the surface.

5
00:02:14,083 --> 00:02:18,124
'Fate has decreed that the mighty leader
of the Roman Empire and Cleopatra

6
00:02:18,250 --> 00:02:21,624
'should be flung together
into the melting pot of history.

7
00:02:22,291 --> 00:02:24,332
Aargh!

8
00:02:28,416 --> 00:02:32,290
'And this is the ancient British settlement
of Cockium inconnoviae.

9
00:02:32,416 --> 00:02:34,165
'where lived the inventor of the device

10
00:02:34,291 --> 00:02:37,124
'that has brought to generations
of beautifuI girls

11
00:02:37,250 --> 00:02:40,332
'the healthy exercise
known as "having to walk home".

12
00:02:42,875 --> 00:02:46,415
'As he worked at his wheels,
this simple Briton, Hengist Pod,

13
00:02:46,541 --> 00:02:49,999
'would listen to his wife telling him
what he should do with them.'

14
00:02:50,125 --> 00:02:52,915
Wheels, wheels, wheels,
that's all you ever think about.

15
00:02:53,041 --> 00:02:54,332
Doesn't matter about me, oh, no,

16
00:02:54,458 --> 00:02:56,999
never mind about taking me out
for a bit of fun.

17
00:02:57,125 --> 00:03:00,249
it's all very well your sitting there
making perishing wheels,

18
00:03:00,375 --> 00:03:01,915
but what sort of life is it for me?

19
00:03:02,041 --> 00:03:04,790
Nothing but the same drear old round,
day in, day out.

20
00:03:04,916 --> 00:03:08,749
Stuck in this miserable hovel,
while you go your own sweet way.

21
00:03:08,875 --> 00:03:11,249
- Scraping and screwing?
- Scraping and screwing.

22
00:03:11,375 --> 00:03:14,540
Trying to keep a roof over my head
with precious little help from you.

23
00:03:14,666 --> 00:03:17,707
- Fingers to the bone?
- Working my fingers to the bone.

24
00:03:17,833 --> 00:03:20,290
- Scrubbing and clearing up after you.
- Hot ash-pit?

25
00:03:20,416 --> 00:03:23,582
Slaving away over a hot ash-pit
morning, noon and night.

26
00:03:23,708 --> 00:03:26,624
Cooking meals that nobody appreciates,
and for what?

27
00:03:26,750 --> 00:03:29,957
- insults and ingratitude?
- insults and ingratitude.

28
00:03:30,083 --> 00:03:34,499
I've given you the best years of my life,
Hengist Pod, and do you care?

29
00:03:34,625 --> 00:03:36,374
- Not a jot.
- Not a jot, you don't.

30
00:03:36,500 --> 00:03:38,082
For all you care,
I may as well not be here.

31
00:03:38,208 --> 00:03:39,957
Well, my mother warned me.

32
00:03:40,083 --> 00:03:43,457
"You'll never get anywhere with him,"
she said. "He's a dreamer."

33
00:03:43,583 --> 00:03:46,749
Poor Mother.
I'm glad she's not here to see this.

34
00:03:48,208 --> 00:03:50,374
I'm glad she's not here as well,
the silly old...

35
00:03:50,500 --> 00:03:53,624
- What did you say?
- is the tea ready?

36
00:04:05,041 --> 00:04:07,415
- Good day to you.
- Oh! Hello.

37
00:04:07,541 --> 00:04:10,582
I'm your new neighbour.
I've just moved into the next cave.

38
00:04:10,708 --> 00:04:12,457
We were gonna take that,

39
00:04:12,583 --> 00:04:14,874
but we didn't like
the idea of constant running water.

40
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:18,790
- isn't that an advantage?
- Not when it's running through the roof!

41
00:04:18,916 --> 00:04:21,999
Excuse me, but I was just admiring
that thing you're making.

42
00:04:22,125 --> 00:04:25,374
It's ver good. What is it?

43
00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:28,665
Oh, it's a wheel. It's for going on a cart.

44
00:04:28,791 --> 00:04:31,707
Where I come from,
they have things to go on carts,

45
00:04:31,833 --> 00:04:33,582
but they're sort of round, like that.

46
00:04:33,708 --> 00:04:35,790
Yes, yes, yes. I know all about those.

47
00:04:35,916 --> 00:04:38,540
But the trouble with them is, you see,
that if you stop on a hill,

48
00:04:38,666 --> 00:04:40,040
they roll backwards.

49
00:04:41,125 --> 00:04:45,165
- This one won't, you see.
- Ah, but... but will it roll forwards?

50
00:04:45,291 --> 00:04:49,957
Obviously, if it can't roll backwards,
there's only one way left for it to go.

51
00:04:50,083 --> 00:04:53,082
And another thing.
If you think you're going to get away with...

52
00:04:53,208 --> 00:04:55,207
Oh! I beg your pardon.

53
00:04:55,333 --> 00:04:57,665
I didn't know we had company.

54
00:04:57,791 --> 00:04:59,790
This is our next-door neighbour, dear,
Mr um...

55
00:04:59,916 --> 00:05:01,749
Horsa. Son of Ethelred.

56
00:05:01,875 --> 00:05:03,457
Not Ethelred the Unready?

57
00:05:03,583 --> 00:05:06,124
No, my dad was always ready.
So my mum said!

58
00:05:06,250 --> 00:05:07,957
How do you do, Mr Horsa?

59
00:05:09,166 --> 00:05:10,707
Please excuse the way I look.

60
00:05:10,833 --> 00:05:13,915
I haven't had a chance to put on
a lick of woad this morning.

61
00:05:14,041 --> 00:05:15,499
Not at all. You look lovely.

62
00:05:16,333 --> 00:05:18,874
My name's Pod, Hengist Pod.
This is my wife Senna.

63
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:20,874
Senna! Oh! That's a pretty...

64
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,874
- Pretty what?
- Er, pretty name.

65
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:26,040
It was, till I married somebody called Pod.

66
00:05:26,916 --> 00:05:29,290
I shall excuse my wife.
She's not quite herself.

67
00:05:29,416 --> 00:05:31,915
Her poor old mother
was eaten by a brontosaurus.

68
00:05:32,041 --> 00:05:34,249
- That was too bad.
- Yes, you're right.

69
00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:36,874
Brontosaurus died within the hour.

70
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:40,374
- How much do you want for your wheel?
- I don't know. I've never sold one before.

71
00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:43,332
- People don't like new ideas.
- I'll have it.

72
00:05:43,458 --> 00:05:45,540
Just the one?
What good would that be?

73
00:05:45,666 --> 00:05:48,124
- I'll show you.
- Yeah.

74
00:05:50,875 --> 00:05:52,957
Hey, what are you doing? Look!

75
00:05:53,083 --> 00:05:55,249
They support the rim.
It'll be no good without them.

76
00:05:55,375 --> 00:05:56,832
Watch.

77
00:05:59,333 --> 00:06:01,540
There we are. Makes a perfect frame.

78
00:06:01,666 --> 00:06:05,582
So it does, yes. But what's
that square opening in the middle for?

79
00:06:05,708 --> 00:06:11,165
It's just an idea I had for letting in
more light. I thought I'd call it...a win-dow.

80
00:06:11,291 --> 00:06:13,165
Win-dow.

81
00:06:13,291 --> 00:06:16,374
Oh! We can call that a win-dow-rim.

82
00:06:16,500 --> 00:06:20,249
Yeah. What about window frame?

83
00:06:20,375 --> 00:06:23,790
Oh, well, if you like. It's all the same.

84
00:06:23,916 --> 00:06:25,624
(Narrator)
'And so the good people of Cockium

85
00:06:25,750 --> 00:06:27,874
'went about their ver simple business,

86
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:30,874
'blissfully unaware
that only a few miles north of them,

87
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,290
'the ground was shaking
to the inexorable tread

88
00:06:33,416 --> 00:06:35,290
'of Julius Caesar's conquering soldiers.'

89
00:06:35,416 --> 00:06:37,832
(Roman) Sinister! Dexter! Sinister!
Dexter!

90
00:06:38,791 --> 00:06:43,082
'Their leader was Mark Antony,
Julius Caesar's greatest friend.'

91
00:06:43,208 --> 00:06:44,457
What a country!

92
00:06:44,583 --> 00:06:47,874
'A figure to strike awe into the hearts
of men and women,

93
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,457
'for two different reasons.'

94
00:06:49,583 --> 00:06:51,457
(Thunder)

95
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:59,249
'Meanwhile, still blissfully unaware
of the approach of the Roman legions,

96
00:06:59,375 --> 00:07:04,415
'the simple people of Cockium
continued with their ver simple lives.'

97
00:07:04,541 --> 00:07:07,707
There's no prettier sight
than a young couple courting.

98
00:07:07,833 --> 00:07:11,082
lt makes you want to get your club out
and have a bash yourself.

99
00:07:11,208 --> 00:07:13,165
Was it like that with you and Senna?

100
00:07:13,291 --> 00:07:15,999
Sort of, except that she had the club!

101
00:07:16,125 --> 00:07:19,249
I had my eye on a mate in Bristol.
Gloria, her name was.

102
00:07:19,375 --> 00:07:22,249
Beautiful. Lovely long, strong hair.

103
00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,540
I could have dragged that girI anywhere.

104
00:07:24,666 --> 00:07:25,665
Well, why didn't you?

105
00:07:25,791 --> 00:07:28,540
The damned Romans invaded her
settlement. She was never seen again.

106
00:07:28,666 --> 00:07:31,290
lf those rotten Romans come here, I'll...

107
00:07:31,416 --> 00:07:33,415
- The Romans are coming!
- I'll be off.

108
00:07:33,541 --> 00:07:36,332
No. Running will do you no good.
Where are they?

109
00:07:36,458 --> 00:07:38,415
They're just coming over the hill,
thousands of 'em.

110
00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:42,207
Arm yourselves, men. Get your women
and children away to the hills.

111
00:07:42,333 --> 00:07:44,457
Go on, move!

112
00:07:46,250 --> 00:07:47,415
Do you mean to say
we're gonna fight them?

113
00:07:47,541 --> 00:07:49,957
lf we can just hold them up
till we get word to Boadicea and her army,

114
00:07:50,083 --> 00:07:51,124
there's a chance.

115
00:07:51,250 --> 00:07:53,499
- Can you run?
- Just what I wanted to do.

116
00:07:53,625 --> 00:07:55,499
She's camped at Carlisle.
Go like the devil.

117
00:07:55,625 --> 00:07:56,665
I'll take Senna.

118
00:07:56,791 --> 00:08:00,082
- Never mind about your wife.
- It's my two-wheeler. I named it after her.

119
00:08:00,208 --> 00:08:02,457
- All right, but be quick.
- You can depend on me.

120
00:08:12,291 --> 00:08:15,457
Legion! Legion! Terminus!

121
00:08:16,541 --> 00:08:19,082
What's that settlement down there?

122
00:08:19,208 --> 00:08:21,332
We call it Cockium inconnoviae, General.

123
00:08:21,458 --> 00:08:24,415
What a mouthful. They deserve
to be done with a name like that.

124
00:08:24,541 --> 00:08:25,957
We could do with a few captives.

125
00:08:26,083 --> 00:08:28,290
They fetch 20 sesterces
a time back home.

126
00:08:28,416 --> 00:08:30,207
It'd be silly going back empty-handed.

127
00:08:31,166 --> 00:08:32,332
Right. Order the attack.

128
00:08:32,458 --> 00:08:35,290
Legion, incursamus!

129
00:08:45,875 --> 00:08:47,957
(Horse whinnies)

130
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,332
Ow!

131
00:09:11,375 --> 00:09:13,624
It's hard work
catching these damn Britons.

132
00:09:13,750 --> 00:09:16,415
- All right. On your way.
- All right.

133
00:09:16,541 --> 00:09:17,832
Don't give up hope, men.

134
00:09:17,958 --> 00:09:19,790
Remember,
Hengist is on his way to our army.

135
00:09:31,125 --> 00:09:33,832
Oh, gawd. Oh, gawd.

136
00:09:36,791 --> 00:09:38,165
Oh, no!

137
00:09:40,541 --> 00:09:43,165
Oh, gawd! Oh, gawd!

138
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,665
Come on!

139
00:09:45,791 --> 00:09:48,707
(Man) Come on! Come on!
Pull him along there.

140
00:09:49,750 --> 00:09:51,832
Whoa, boy. Whoa, boy. Whoa.

141
00:09:52,875 --> 00:09:55,207
Excuse me. Any chance of a lift?

142
00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:57,790
- Yes, mate. Hop in.
- Thank you. How far are you going?

143
00:09:57,916 --> 00:10:00,415
- Just to Rome.
- Oh, I see.

144
00:10:00,541 --> 00:10:04,332
Would you mind dropping me at Carlisle?
Our army's there and I've got to get help.

145
00:10:04,458 --> 00:10:08,082
You see...
the Romans are attacking our settlement.

146
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:09,832
- You don't say?
- Yeah.

147
00:10:09,958 --> 00:10:12,374
- ln that case, come on.
- Oh! Thank you.

148
00:10:18,458 --> 00:10:19,665
Oh! Well...

149
00:10:19,791 --> 00:10:22,040
What are the chains for?

150
00:10:22,166 --> 00:10:24,457
Just to stop you
falling out of the cart, mate.

151
00:10:24,583 --> 00:10:27,124
Thank you ver much.
That's ver thoughtful of you.

152
00:10:27,250 --> 00:10:29,415
The pleasure is mine.
(Laughs)

153
00:10:31,291 --> 00:10:34,082
Oh! You seem to be rather full up.

154
00:10:34,208 --> 00:10:37,040
- I suppose I'd better wait for the next one.
- Oh, no, you don't.

155
00:10:37,166 --> 00:10:39,332
Get in there!

156
00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:42,749
Oh! Hello!

157
00:10:42,875 --> 00:10:45,207
Oh, you silly Pod!

158
00:10:45,333 --> 00:10:47,540
(Narrator)
'Enthroned in his lush headquarters,

159
00:10:47,666 --> 00:10:51,332
'mighty Caesar sniffed the sweet smell
of success and eucalyptus.'

160
00:10:51,458 --> 00:10:52,957
Achoo!

161
00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:01,290
Oh, I do feeI queer.

162
00:11:01,416 --> 00:11:05,207
'He was closely guarded as always
by the champion gladiator of Rome

163
00:11:05,333 --> 00:11:09,540
'and captain of the Praetorian guard,
the noble Bilious.'

164
00:11:09,666 --> 00:11:11,582
(Belches) I beg your pardon, sir.

165
00:11:11,708 --> 00:11:15,165
Oh, it's not your fault, Bilious.
It's this wretched countr.

166
00:11:15,291 --> 00:11:18,915
I haven't been right since we landed.
It's the water, you know.

167
00:11:19,041 --> 00:11:21,415
It's making ver irregular soldiers
of us all.

168
00:11:21,541 --> 00:11:25,624
Oh, I've never known
such a cold, damp, depressing place.

169
00:11:25,750 --> 00:11:27,124
Achoo!

170
00:11:28,791 --> 00:11:30,707
Even my laurels have wilted.

171
00:11:30,833 --> 00:11:33,874
When I left Rome,
they were positively rigid.

172
00:11:36,708 --> 00:11:39,332
Here, my lord.
I've prepared this for your illness.

173
00:11:39,458 --> 00:11:41,207
Oh, yes, dear? What is it?

174
00:11:41,333 --> 00:11:43,415
It's an old British medicant,
my lord,

175
00:11:43,541 --> 00:11:46,499
made of mustard seed,
brewed up with bats' ears,

176
00:11:46,625 --> 00:11:49,874
seaweed
and the intestines of pregnant lizards.

177
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:51,582
Yes. Charming.

178
00:11:51,708 --> 00:11:53,624
To be taken externally, I trust?

179
00:11:53,750 --> 00:11:57,457
Yes, my lord.
You just add a little to your foot bath.

180
00:11:57,583 --> 00:11:58,957
Like this.

181
00:12:02,958 --> 00:12:04,749
Oh!

182
00:12:04,875 --> 00:12:07,915
Oh, it's good. Yes. Ver good.

183
00:12:08,041 --> 00:12:09,249
Pretty little thing.

184
00:12:09,375 --> 00:12:12,415
- Where did we capture her?
- At the settlement they call Bristol, sir.

185
00:12:12,541 --> 00:12:16,207
Oh, yes! I might've guessed.
And what is your name, dear?

186
00:12:16,333 --> 00:12:18,374
They call me Gloria, my lord.

187
00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:20,665
Remind me to take her back to Rome
with me.

188
00:12:20,791 --> 00:12:23,374
I'd like to give my wife something useful
for a change.

189
00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:25,249
Useful, sir? To her?

190
00:12:25,375 --> 00:12:28,040
Fair's fair. The last thing she gave me
was some perfume.

191
00:12:28,166 --> 00:12:30,790
lt sounds like one of our legions
is returning, sir.

192
00:12:32,250 --> 00:12:34,415
Legion, dismiss!

193
00:12:34,541 --> 00:12:36,624
The army from the south
with Mark Antony at their head.

194
00:12:36,750 --> 00:12:39,707
Oh, good! My friend.

195
00:12:39,833 --> 00:12:41,915
(Thunder)

196
00:12:42,041 --> 00:12:43,790
- Hail, Mark Antony!
- Hail.

197
00:12:43,916 --> 00:12:46,707
Snow. Sleet. Thunder. Lightning.
The lot. Julius in?

198
00:12:46,833 --> 00:12:48,290
Aargh!

199
00:12:49,750 --> 00:12:51,582
I see he is.

200
00:12:51,708 --> 00:12:52,874
It's all right for some people.

201
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,582
I'm busy waging a war,
he's busy trying to make a piece!

202
00:12:57,625 --> 00:12:59,165
Mark Antony, sir.

203
00:13:00,125 --> 00:13:01,832
- Julie!
- Tony!

204
00:13:01,958 --> 00:13:05,290
- I've caught you with your toga up!
- I was just soaking my feet.

205
00:13:05,416 --> 00:13:07,874
I can't seem to get them warm.

206
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,040
You've been wearing
open-toed sandals again.

207
00:13:10,166 --> 00:13:13,915
No, it's not that, it's this filthy disease
I've caught. Some locaI thing.

208
00:13:14,041 --> 00:13:16,290
It's called "a stinking cold".

209
00:13:16,416 --> 00:13:19,082
Never mind. Carryy on. Don't mind me.
Get them in again.

210
00:13:19,208 --> 00:13:20,707
- Thank you.
- All right?

211
00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:24,582
Much better.
And how goes the conquest of Britain?

212
00:13:24,708 --> 00:13:26,790
I just don't get these Britons at all.

213
00:13:26,916 --> 00:13:28,790
Ever time we get
a decent punch-up started,

214
00:13:28,916 --> 00:13:31,999
some geezer behind their line shouts,
"Tea up!" and they all disappear.

215
00:13:32,125 --> 00:13:34,624
"Tea up"? How ver odd.

216
00:13:34,750 --> 00:13:37,290
lt must be one of these strange gods
they worship.

217
00:13:37,416 --> 00:13:39,790
like this other one
they're always talking about, "Crumpet".

218
00:13:40,333 --> 00:13:43,582
- What's that again?
- Crump-et. I don't understand it at all.

219
00:13:43,708 --> 00:13:46,124
No. I don't think
they want to be conquered.

220
00:13:46,250 --> 00:13:47,999
I know what you mean. Apathetic.

221
00:13:48,125 --> 00:13:49,207
That's the word.

222
00:13:49,333 --> 00:13:52,457
We didn't have any trouble
in Spain and Gaul. We slayed 'em there.

223
00:13:52,583 --> 00:13:56,707
I don't know why we bother with this lot.
Look at these lovely straight roads I built.

224
00:13:56,833 --> 00:13:58,915
They don't even bother to use them.

225
00:13:59,041 --> 00:14:01,540
Same with the baths.
This countr is a dead loss.

226
00:14:01,666 --> 00:14:03,957
It's always so cold and damp.

227
00:14:04,083 --> 00:14:08,457
You wouldn't think it, but this is supposed
to be "the season of the golden breezes"!

228
00:14:08,583 --> 00:14:10,874
More like the season
of the brazen monkeys.

229
00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:13,415
Excuse me, sir,
but a messenger is without.

230
00:14:13,541 --> 00:14:14,582
I'm not surprised.

231
00:14:14,708 --> 00:14:17,374
lf we stay here much longer,
we'll all be without. Send him in.

232
00:14:17,500 --> 00:14:19,082
Enter.

233
00:14:19,958 --> 00:14:21,040
Hail, Caesar, hail!

234
00:14:21,166 --> 00:14:24,249
Oh, hail! My corn!

235
00:14:24,375 --> 00:14:25,999
- Hail!
- All right. We don't want all that.

236
00:14:26,125 --> 00:14:27,124
What is it?

237
00:14:27,250 --> 00:14:30,290
Mighty Caesar,
I have come hotfoot from Rome.

238
00:14:30,416 --> 00:14:34,332
I bring an important message
from your esteemed father-in-law Seneca.

239
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:38,457
Oh! I wish he'd use a lighter notepaper!

240
00:14:38,583 --> 00:14:40,749
I'm terribly sorryy, my lord. I didn't mean...

241
00:14:40,875 --> 00:14:43,540
Get out, you great steaming nit.
Go on, hop it.

242
00:14:45,208 --> 00:14:47,540
- Go on, Julie. Sit down.
- Oh, thank you.

243
00:14:47,666 --> 00:14:49,082
Fool!

244
00:14:49,875 --> 00:14:52,707
- What does the old fooI say?
- Hang on.

245
00:14:52,833 --> 00:14:55,374
It starts off, "Beware the ides of March."

246
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:56,499
What does that mean?

247
00:14:56,625 --> 00:14:59,707
Don't ask me.
He's always making some silly prediction.

248
00:14:59,833 --> 00:15:02,874
Last time it was,
"Beware the nuts in May."

249
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,040
He's a nut if ever I saw one.

250
00:15:05,166 --> 00:15:06,915
Hello. This doesn't sound so good.

251
00:15:07,041 --> 00:15:10,832
"There is news from Egypt
that Ptolemy is trying to usurp Cleopatra."

252
00:15:10,958 --> 00:15:13,082
- Trying to do what with her?
- Usurp her.

253
00:15:13,208 --> 00:15:15,249
Sounds positively revolting.

254
00:15:15,375 --> 00:15:17,207
Who is this Cleopatra?

255
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:20,374
That bird that rules Egypt.
She could cause us a lot of trouble.

256
00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:23,540
- Don't they all?
- Hey, listen. Listen to this.

257
00:15:23,666 --> 00:15:26,332
"The senate demands immediate action.

258
00:15:26,458 --> 00:15:29,707
"And there is a movement afoot to make
Brutus emperor in your absence."

259
00:15:29,833 --> 00:15:34,707
That plotter Brutus! He's always had
his eye on the emperor's throne!

260
00:15:34,833 --> 00:15:37,165
You won't let them
take it away from me, Tony.

261
00:15:37,291 --> 00:15:39,415
Julie, Julie, Julie. I'm your friend.

262
00:15:39,541 --> 00:15:41,957
You are my friend.

263
00:15:42,083 --> 00:15:43,665
I think we ought to get back to Rome
right away.

264
00:15:43,791 --> 00:15:48,707
Good idea. And if anyone but me
is going to be emperor, I'd like it to be you.

265
00:15:48,833 --> 00:15:50,957
I'll drink to that.

266
00:15:58,208 --> 00:16:00,999
(Narrator) 'Two months later,
after an absence of three years,

267
00:16:01,125 --> 00:16:03,207
'Caesar
made a triumphant return to Rome.

268
00:16:03,333 --> 00:16:06,665
'Well, not completely triumphant,
perhaps.

269
00:16:06,791 --> 00:16:09,457
'Let's just say he had a small majority.'

270
00:16:09,583 --> 00:16:11,707
(All) Hail, Caesar! Hail!

271
00:16:18,833 --> 00:16:21,290
Hail, Caesar, hail.

272
00:16:22,375 --> 00:16:25,082
(Crowd) Boo! Boo!

273
00:16:29,125 --> 00:16:31,832
I don't like the look of this mob.
Give them a bit of the old flannel.

274
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:35,957
- Yes, I've got my flanneI ones on.
- No, no. Make a speech. Win 'em over.

275
00:16:36,083 --> 00:16:38,665
- Well, if you think so.
- Yes. Go on.

276
00:16:40,416 --> 00:16:42,707
Friends, Romans...

277
00:16:42,833 --> 00:16:44,332
- Countrmen.
- I know!

278
00:16:44,458 --> 00:16:45,582
Well, get on with it, then.

279
00:16:45,708 --> 00:16:50,082
I have been away from you now
for three years.

280
00:16:50,208 --> 00:16:53,124
And it don't seem a day too long!

281
00:16:54,458 --> 00:16:59,832
During that time, friends,
I have taken Spain, I have taken Gaul,

282
00:16:59,958 --> 00:17:01,874
I have taken Germanica.

283
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,707
What would you have me take next?

284
00:17:04,833 --> 00:17:06,540
A running jump!

285
00:17:08,291 --> 00:17:12,207
I want to thank you
for this wonderfuI welcome.

286
00:17:12,333 --> 00:17:16,332
Ever time I return from an expedition,
I am struck...

287
00:17:16,458 --> 00:17:18,249
(Crowd) Boo!

288
00:17:18,375 --> 00:17:20,540
... again and again...

289
00:17:20,666 --> 00:17:22,749
Have you forgotten
what I've done for you?

290
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:26,082
I've given you an empire,
I've given you prosperity...

291
00:17:26,208 --> 00:17:29,457
What about all my reforms?
I've cleaned up this city.

292
00:17:29,583 --> 00:17:35,165
Have you forgotten my slogan,
"NihiI expectore in omnibus"?

293
00:17:35,291 --> 00:17:37,290
"No spitting on the public transport."

294
00:17:37,416 --> 00:17:38,832
(Jeering)

295
00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:41,665
- That does it. Get inside.
- It's a disgrace!

296
00:17:44,750 --> 00:17:46,207
I'll do him one of these days.

297
00:17:46,333 --> 00:17:49,624
Charming.
What a welcome for a great emperor.

298
00:17:51,291 --> 00:17:52,624
How sickening.

299
00:17:52,750 --> 00:17:55,207
On the steps of my own palace, too.

300
00:17:55,333 --> 00:17:57,457
Oh, Plato...

301
00:17:57,583 --> 00:17:59,165
great and learned scholar,

302
00:17:59,291 --> 00:18:03,124
that you should see me thus,
covered in... stains.

303
00:18:03,666 --> 00:18:05,415
Where is everbody?

304
00:18:05,541 --> 00:18:08,832
Where's Seneca? Where's Calpurnia?
They are usually here to greet me.

305
00:18:08,958 --> 00:18:11,082
(Lewd laughter)

306
00:18:11,208 --> 00:18:13,790
(Man) Now, don't be silly, dear.

307
00:18:13,916 --> 00:18:16,165
Just take it in your hand.

308
00:18:16,291 --> 00:18:17,707
lt won't bite.

309
00:18:17,833 --> 00:18:19,832
(Laughs) That's it.

310
00:18:19,958 --> 00:18:22,332
Now dip it in the ink.

311
00:18:22,458 --> 00:18:26,124
- Seneca, what are you doing?
- Eh? Oh, hello.

312
00:18:26,250 --> 00:18:28,082
I was just teaching her to write. Why?

313
00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:30,249
You might have welcomed me home.

314
00:18:30,375 --> 00:18:32,499
Oh! Have you been out, then?

315
00:18:32,625 --> 00:18:34,790
Out? I've only been
in Spain, Germany, Britain.

316
00:18:34,916 --> 00:18:38,374
Oh, yes, of course you have.
I forgot.

317
00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:40,749
- Where is Calpurnia?
- At her toilet.

318
00:18:40,875 --> 00:18:42,665
Ah. Where?

319
00:18:42,791 --> 00:18:44,165
ln her bath.

320
00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:45,957
That's all right, then.

321
00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:49,707
Yoo-hoo, Calpurnia, sweetheart!
It's me, dear. I'm back.

322
00:18:49,833 --> 00:18:52,082
And about time, too.

323
00:18:52,208 --> 00:18:55,707
And where, may I ask,
have you been for the past three years?

324
00:18:55,833 --> 00:18:58,165
Oh, don't be like that, dear.

325
00:18:58,291 --> 00:19:00,124
You know perfectly well where I've been.

326
00:19:00,250 --> 00:19:02,290
- Where?
- I've been conquering.

327
00:19:02,416 --> 00:19:04,749
Hah! Conquering, you call it?

328
00:19:04,875 --> 00:19:07,749
Gallivanting around Europe
enjoying yourself more like!

329
00:19:07,875 --> 00:19:10,249
No. lt was a purely business trip.

330
00:19:10,375 --> 00:19:13,832
HannibaI used to take his wife with him
on his business trips.

331
00:19:13,958 --> 00:19:18,374
Well, it was different for him.
He had all those elephants to help him.

332
00:19:18,500 --> 00:19:21,790
Anyway, it would have been
no fun for you, all that eternaI fighting.

333
00:19:21,916 --> 00:19:24,415
Since when have you done any fighting?

334
00:19:24,541 --> 00:19:26,624
No, I meant if you'd come along too, dear.

335
00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:28,874
I know you, Julius Caesar.

336
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,415
You'd do anything
rather than stay at home with me.

337
00:19:31,541 --> 00:19:34,582
Well, you won't be here much longer
for me to worr about.

338
00:19:34,708 --> 00:19:36,040
What do you mean by that?

339
00:19:36,541 --> 00:19:38,874
Seneca says
there's a bird of ill omen about.

340
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,415
I've just seen him with her in the librar.

341
00:19:42,833 --> 00:19:44,374
Ah!

342
00:19:44,500 --> 00:19:46,040
Your days are numbered.

343
00:19:46,166 --> 00:19:49,457
Beware the ides of March!

344
00:19:49,583 --> 00:19:51,999
Oh, shut up, you silly old faggot.

345
00:19:52,125 --> 00:19:54,582
Don't you dare
speak to my daddy like that.

346
00:19:54,708 --> 00:19:56,374
Well, he gets on your nerves.

347
00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:58,540
I'm sorry, dear,
but I'm fed up with listening

348
00:19:58,666 --> 00:20:01,124
to all his visions and omens and stuff.

349
00:20:01,250 --> 00:20:05,082
Seneca is well known throughout Rome
as a truly great sage.

350
00:20:05,208 --> 00:20:07,207
Yes. And I know my onions.

351
00:20:07,333 --> 00:20:08,874
I wish you'd been in Britain,

352
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,207
they know what to do
with sage and onions!

353
00:20:16,166 --> 00:20:19,874
Oh, my dear,
you've no idea how much I've missed you.

354
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:23,040
Three years is a long time to go without.

355
00:20:23,166 --> 00:20:27,499
- Without what?
- Without the company of a beautifuI wife.

356
00:20:27,625 --> 00:20:29,749
What about all those women abroad?

357
00:20:29,875 --> 00:20:32,874
There weren't any.
They don't have them abroad, you know.

358
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,290
They're a ver bashfuI people there.

359
00:20:35,416 --> 00:20:37,040
Really, Julius?

360
00:20:37,166 --> 00:20:38,874
Really, darling.

361
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:40,790
(Door opens)

362
00:20:40,916 --> 00:20:43,415
Sir, what do you want done
with your woman here?

363
00:20:43,541 --> 00:20:45,332
What is that?

364
00:20:45,458 --> 00:20:48,249
It's just a little thing
I picked up in Britain.

365
00:20:48,375 --> 00:20:51,540
- It's for you.
- I don't want any of your pick-ups.

366
00:20:53,375 --> 00:20:54,374
I'll have her.

367
00:20:54,500 --> 00:20:56,790
No, you won't, you dirty old sage.

368
00:20:56,916 --> 00:21:00,165
Daddy, take me away from this...
this monster!

369
00:21:00,291 --> 00:21:01,374
Monster?

370
00:21:01,500 --> 00:21:04,749
How dare he insult me
by offering me this... this...

371
00:21:04,875 --> 00:21:07,165
I quite agree, daughter!

372
00:21:07,291 --> 00:21:08,874
She's no use to you.

373
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:12,957
But don't you worr.
I'll think of something to do with her.

374
00:21:13,083 --> 00:21:16,790
But I've other gifts for you, dear.
I've onions from Spain.

375
00:21:16,916 --> 00:21:18,540
I've got some Spanish onions.

376
00:21:18,666 --> 00:21:20,374
Cheeses from Holland.

377
00:21:20,500 --> 00:21:22,207
I've got some Dutch cheeses.

378
00:21:22,333 --> 00:21:25,165
And stones from far-off Gaul.

379
00:21:25,291 --> 00:21:27,624
She's got gallstones an' all!

380
00:21:27,750 --> 00:21:29,374
I had no idea.

381
00:21:32,708 --> 00:21:35,082
This is a fine homecoming, I must say.

382
00:21:38,458 --> 00:21:42,040
Oh! They haven't even warmed the seat.

383
00:21:44,583 --> 00:21:48,499
(Narrator) 'By now, the captives
from Britain had arrived in Rome.

384
00:21:48,625 --> 00:21:52,499
'Herded together in their little room,
they were learning to their dismay,

385
00:21:52,625 --> 00:21:53,957
'that this was one emergency

386
00:21:54,083 --> 00:21:56,790
'in which nothing happened
if you pulled your chain.'

387
00:21:56,916 --> 00:21:59,915
All right. lf you don't want the goods,
stop messing them about.

388
00:22:00,041 --> 00:22:04,165
I'll tell you the truth. There's little demand
for this British stuff nowadays.

389
00:22:04,291 --> 00:22:07,082
- They don't make them like they used to.
- Look here, Marcus.

390
00:22:07,208 --> 00:22:10,915
No, I'm Spencius.
It's my brother what's Marcus.

391
00:22:11,041 --> 00:22:13,124
We're in partnership now, you know.

392
00:22:13,250 --> 00:22:15,040
Marcus and Spencius.

393
00:22:15,166 --> 00:22:18,165
- Here's my card.
- All right. Now, you know me.

394
00:22:18,291 --> 00:22:19,915
Did I ever bring you any rubbish?

395
00:22:20,041 --> 00:22:21,582
I only bring you the best, you know that.

396
00:22:21,708 --> 00:22:25,290
- Look at them, all solid bone and muscle.
- Bone and muscle I've got plenty of.

397
00:22:25,416 --> 00:22:27,290
It's brains what people want.

398
00:22:27,416 --> 00:22:29,915
They've got brains.
Artisans, ever one of them.

399
00:22:30,041 --> 00:22:32,707
- What did you do in Britain?
- I was a wheeI maker.

400
00:22:33,708 --> 00:22:35,124
See that, he makes wheels.

401
00:22:35,250 --> 00:22:37,332
- Square ones.
- Squ...?

402
00:22:39,083 --> 00:22:41,457
Never mind him.
Here, you. What did you do?

403
00:22:41,583 --> 00:22:43,665
- I was a hunter.
- Hunter?

404
00:22:43,791 --> 00:22:46,749
Hunter. Now, what about that, then?
A hunter.

405
00:22:46,875 --> 00:22:48,665
What did you hunt?

406
00:22:48,791 --> 00:22:50,124
Romans.

407
00:22:52,666 --> 00:22:54,624
A fat lot of help you are.

408
00:22:54,750 --> 00:22:56,499
Look, General.
I'll tell you what I'll do with you.

409
00:22:56,625 --> 00:23:00,582
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll give you 1 50 sesterces for the lot.

410
00:23:00,708 --> 00:23:03,624
1 50 sesterces? Do me a favour.

411
00:23:03,750 --> 00:23:05,040
Do us a favour.

412
00:23:05,166 --> 00:23:07,165
You keep out of this.

413
00:23:08,166 --> 00:23:10,790
All right, 200 and they're yours.

414
00:23:10,916 --> 00:23:12,790
160. Not a sesterce more.

415
00:23:12,916 --> 00:23:15,207
160! What a liberty.

416
00:23:15,333 --> 00:23:18,707
That's daylight robber.
How can you stand there and...

417
00:23:21,083 --> 00:23:22,832
All right. 160.

418
00:23:22,958 --> 00:23:24,707
Providing you throw her in.

419
00:23:24,833 --> 00:23:28,582
Her? You don't want no more slaves,
General. You've got plenty.

420
00:23:28,708 --> 00:23:29,749
For working, yes.

421
00:23:29,875 --> 00:23:34,499
Yeah, but I mean, she's worth
40 sesterces to me, you know.

422
00:23:34,625 --> 00:23:36,665
She's a ver good worker.

423
00:23:36,791 --> 00:23:39,332
She can cook... make clothes...

424
00:23:39,458 --> 00:23:41,040
wash... scrub...

425
00:23:41,625 --> 00:23:43,374
That's fine. I could use a good scrubber.

426
00:23:43,500 --> 00:23:44,749
All right. It's a deal.

427
00:23:44,875 --> 00:23:48,415
You're a good lad. Put my mark on her.
Send her round to my villa.

428
00:23:51,458 --> 00:23:53,082
Free deliver he wants.

429
00:23:53,208 --> 00:23:55,415
(Narrator) 'While all this was going on,

430
00:23:55,541 --> 00:24:00,457
'Brutus was in the Senate indulging in
the grand old Roman game of mixing it.'

431
00:24:00,583 --> 00:24:03,582
And I warn you, members of the Senate,

432
00:24:03,708 --> 00:24:08,415
if we allow Caesar to go on like this,
the Roman Empire's finished.

433
00:24:08,541 --> 00:24:09,582
(All) Hear hear!

434
00:24:09,708 --> 00:24:12,832
Already, gentlemen, we are in a decline.

435
00:24:12,958 --> 00:24:16,415
And I don't have to remind you
what that leads to.

436
00:24:16,541 --> 00:24:18,707
A fall.

437
00:24:18,833 --> 00:24:21,374
I'm so sorry.
Did I interrupt something?

438
00:24:21,500 --> 00:24:22,540
Hail, Caesar.

439
00:24:22,666 --> 00:24:24,582
Oh, likewise, I'm sure.

440
00:24:24,708 --> 00:24:28,040
I must warn you, Julius,
there is unrest in the Senate.

441
00:24:28,166 --> 00:24:29,790
There have been rumblings.

442
00:24:29,916 --> 00:24:33,415
- It's all that spaghetti they eat.
- Rumblings against you.

443
00:24:33,541 --> 00:24:37,082
They're concerned about affairs
in the east, Ptolemy and Cleopatra.

444
00:24:37,208 --> 00:24:39,415
Are they having an affair? Do tell.

445
00:24:39,541 --> 00:24:41,207
They're fighting for the throne of Egypt.

446
00:24:41,333 --> 00:24:44,374
lf one of them can muster an army,
it'll be hard for Rome.

447
00:24:44,500 --> 00:24:46,915
They don't want to worr about that!

448
00:24:47,041 --> 00:24:50,249
Exactly. I've done my best
to reassure them.

449
00:24:50,375 --> 00:24:52,207
But perhaps a word from you?

450
00:24:52,333 --> 00:24:54,415
Of course. I'll give them a speech.

451
00:24:57,416 --> 00:24:59,374
Friends...

452
00:24:59,500 --> 00:25:00,999
Romans...

453
00:25:01,125 --> 00:25:03,082
- Countrmen.
- I know.

454
00:25:04,666 --> 00:25:08,999
I have been away from you now
for three years!

455
00:25:09,125 --> 00:25:10,874
(All) Hooray!

456
00:25:11,500 --> 00:25:13,999
But now I am back!

457
00:25:14,125 --> 00:25:15,749
(All) Boo!

458
00:25:16,166 --> 00:25:18,249
- How am I doing?
- They're right behind you.

459
00:25:18,375 --> 00:25:19,624
I thought so.

460
00:25:19,750 --> 00:25:24,457
With regard to the situation in Egypt,
I will tell you this,

461
00:25:24,583 --> 00:25:28,124
if Cleopatra and this other upstart...

462
00:25:28,250 --> 00:25:30,040
- Ptolemy.
- I am telling you!

463
00:25:30,166 --> 00:25:34,165
lf these upstarts should prove a threat
to the Roman Empire

464
00:25:34,291 --> 00:25:37,040
I will not hesitate...

465
00:25:37,166 --> 00:25:40,540
nor notwithstanding...
anything to the contrar.

466
00:25:40,666 --> 00:25:45,582
I shall take steps...
now to give serious consideration...

467
00:25:45,708 --> 00:25:50,540
to the action, to be taken in the event
of events happening, notwithstanding...

468
00:25:50,666 --> 00:25:54,374
anything to the contrar.

469
00:25:54,500 --> 00:25:57,624
Please, show your approval
in the usuaI manner.

470
00:25:57,750 --> 00:25:59,082
(Blows raspberry)

471
00:25:59,208 --> 00:26:00,582
You've never had it so good!

472
00:26:03,500 --> 00:26:05,582
Stay there!

473
00:26:10,583 --> 00:26:12,290
Supermarket, innit?

474
00:26:15,291 --> 00:26:17,207
Look at that!

475
00:26:17,333 --> 00:26:19,124
"MA." What does that mean?

476
00:26:20,125 --> 00:26:22,249
Mark Antony. She's his.

477
00:26:25,708 --> 00:26:27,040
lt could've been worse.

478
00:26:27,166 --> 00:26:28,207
How?

479
00:26:28,333 --> 00:26:30,082
Might've been Frank Antony.

480
00:26:31,291 --> 00:26:32,999
(Jeering)

481
00:26:33,125 --> 00:26:35,374
Thank you. Thank you, sir.

482
00:26:35,500 --> 00:26:38,457
Citizens, today is your lucky day.

483
00:26:38,583 --> 00:26:43,749
lt just so happens that I have been able
to procure at enormous expense

484
00:26:43,875 --> 00:26:48,874
a limited number of ver top quality
Britons, all fresh in today! No rubbish.

485
00:26:49,083 --> 00:26:50,707
All right, you. Come on.

486
00:26:50,833 --> 00:26:52,540
- Where to?
- You're going for auction.

487
00:26:52,666 --> 00:26:54,832
Think of that. Me being knocked down.

488
00:26:56,250 --> 00:26:57,665
It's better than being knocked up!

489
00:26:57,791 --> 00:27:00,165
- Come on.
- Bring him in, Marcus.

490
00:27:00,291 --> 00:27:02,332
Coming, Spencius. Go on.

491
00:27:04,083 --> 00:27:05,957
How about that then, ladies?

492
00:27:06,083 --> 00:27:08,249
lsn't that a magnificent specimen?

493
00:27:08,375 --> 00:27:12,749
Phwoar! lf that is not a ver handy
little thing to have about the house,

494
00:27:12,875 --> 00:27:14,874
my name's not Spencius.

495
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:16,582
Right, now. What am I bid?

496
00:27:16,708 --> 00:27:18,540
Ten.

497
00:27:18,666 --> 00:27:19,832
1 5.

498
00:27:20,875 --> 00:27:22,582
20.

499
00:27:22,708 --> 00:27:23,749
25.

500
00:27:23,875 --> 00:27:25,124
30.

501
00:27:26,458 --> 00:27:27,874
40.

502
00:27:28,750 --> 00:27:30,290
41 ? Yes?

503
00:27:30,416 --> 00:27:32,082
I'll pay you back.

504
00:27:33,375 --> 00:27:35,374
- All done at 40?
- No...

505
00:27:35,500 --> 00:27:37,999
Right. Sold to the lady
in the green schmutter.

506
00:27:38,125 --> 00:27:39,540
What's your name, darling?

507
00:27:39,666 --> 00:27:41,749
Willa Claudia.

508
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:44,999
Willa Claudia. Mark him up, will you?

509
00:27:45,125 --> 00:27:46,457
Willa Clau...?

510
00:27:46,583 --> 00:27:48,540
WC? Oh, no!

511
00:27:48,666 --> 00:27:50,915
Please! WC!

512
00:27:54,166 --> 00:27:55,832
What happened?

513
00:28:00,208 --> 00:28:01,957
Ver funny. Ver funny.

514
00:28:02,541 --> 00:28:05,707
Do you know what? I think
they're making a convenience of you.

515
00:28:09,833 --> 00:28:12,540
Shouldn't worr about him.
He's doing all right.

516
00:28:12,666 --> 00:28:15,165
He's been bought by a woman.

517
00:28:15,291 --> 00:28:16,749
What's the benefit
in being bought by a woman?

518
00:28:16,875 --> 00:28:18,624
What do you think?

519
00:28:18,750 --> 00:28:20,749
Oh! Yeah, right.

520
00:28:20,875 --> 00:28:22,957
Lead me to 'em!

521
00:28:27,625 --> 00:28:31,707
All right there, citizens,
here is another of our speciaI offers.

522
00:28:31,833 --> 00:28:33,707
Now then. What am I bid for this...

523
00:28:35,041 --> 00:28:36,665
for this er...

524
00:28:37,166 --> 00:28:38,290
For this?

525
00:28:38,416 --> 00:28:40,415
One at a time, please, ladies.

526
00:28:41,333 --> 00:28:43,624
Right. Now, come on.

527
00:28:43,750 --> 00:28:45,915
Who's going
to start the ball rolling, then?

528
00:28:47,333 --> 00:28:49,415
Did I hear five sesterces?

529
00:28:50,750 --> 00:28:52,082
No, I didn't.

530
00:28:52,208 --> 00:28:54,790
Don't worr.
They're just overawed at the moment.

531
00:28:54,916 --> 00:28:56,582
Get out of it.

532
00:28:56,708 --> 00:28:58,415
Who'll say three sesterces?

533
00:28:59,375 --> 00:29:01,499
- Two?
- One?

534
00:29:03,083 --> 00:29:04,540
Now, look here, citizens.

535
00:29:04,666 --> 00:29:06,290
I'll tell you what I'll do.

536
00:29:06,416 --> 00:29:09,290
With this speciaI offer here,
I will throw in

537
00:29:09,416 --> 00:29:12,874
this beautifuI plaster cast
of the goddess Aphrodite,

538
00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:15,332
absolutely free, gratis and for nothing.

539
00:29:15,458 --> 00:29:17,457
(Tittering)

540
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:20,832
Right. No sale. Mark him up for the usual.

541
00:29:27,125 --> 00:29:28,374
How did you get on?

542
00:29:28,500 --> 00:29:32,415
I don't know. They just stamped me
with a little lion. Look.

543
00:29:32,541 --> 00:29:34,832
That means
you'll be going to the lions, mate.

544
00:29:34,958 --> 00:29:37,207
- I hope they're a nice family?
- You'll find out.

545
00:29:37,333 --> 00:29:39,332
Er, Hengist.

546
00:29:39,458 --> 00:29:42,624
What he means is, you're to be thrown
to the lions in the arena.

547
00:29:42,750 --> 00:29:45,207
- Those lions! No!
- Hengist!

548
00:29:45,333 --> 00:29:46,915
Well, it's quick, anyway.

549
00:29:47,916 --> 00:29:49,040
The old head in the mouth,

550
00:29:49,166 --> 00:29:51,374
quick snap of the old jaws
and it's all over.

551
00:29:51,500 --> 00:29:55,124
That's all ver well, but how
am I gonna get his head in my mouth?

552
00:29:55,583 --> 00:29:58,957
What about me? Do you fancy
being lumbered for the rest of your life

553
00:29:59,083 --> 00:30:01,457
as the pampered pet
of an old Roman bag?

554
00:30:01,583 --> 00:30:03,332
Quite frankly, yes.

555
00:30:03,458 --> 00:30:06,082
Well, I can't face it.
Let's make a break for it.

556
00:30:06,208 --> 00:30:09,082
- What, escape?
- Anything's better than this.

557
00:30:09,208 --> 00:30:12,707
Get behind the doorway and when
the guard comes in, trip him up.

558
00:30:14,166 --> 00:30:16,915
All Romans are idiots!
They know absolutely...

559
00:30:18,125 --> 00:30:20,124
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

560
00:30:20,250 --> 00:30:22,290
- Thank you ver much.
- Not at all.

561
00:30:23,416 --> 00:30:24,915
Come on!

562
00:30:25,041 --> 00:30:27,957
(Spencius) Now, I'm not here today
and gone tomorrow.

563
00:30:28,083 --> 00:30:29,624
I won't be here this afternoon.

564
00:30:30,458 --> 00:30:31,624
What a day!

565
00:30:31,750 --> 00:30:36,749
Pelted by the populace, sat on
by the Senate, spat at by my spouse.

566
00:30:36,875 --> 00:30:39,665
Honestly,
I don't know why I bother being emperor.

567
00:30:39,791 --> 00:30:42,624
- Why do you?
- Don't be silly. What else could I do?

568
00:30:42,750 --> 00:30:45,374
At school,
I didn't even get my X-oneplus.

569
00:30:45,500 --> 00:30:47,332
You could be a public orator.

570
00:30:47,458 --> 00:30:51,457
Public oratory?
Oh, no, it's an unspeakable business.

571
00:30:51,583 --> 00:30:54,582
I hear some slaves
escaped from the market today.

572
00:30:54,708 --> 00:30:57,707
That's all I needed.
What have I done to deserve all this?

573
00:30:57,833 --> 00:31:00,040
Have I displeased the gods
in some manner?

574
00:31:00,166 --> 00:31:04,040
O, dark, invidious muse
that blights my life!

575
00:31:04,166 --> 00:31:07,207
Come, show your fearful, haggish face!

576
00:31:07,333 --> 00:31:09,790
- Yes?
- Not you. What do you want?

577
00:31:09,916 --> 00:31:13,040
Well, I thought you'd like to know.
There's another strike on.

578
00:31:13,166 --> 00:31:15,624
Not another one? Who is it this time?

579
00:31:15,750 --> 00:31:17,999
- The eunuchs.
- The eunuchs?

580
00:31:18,125 --> 00:31:19,999
For heaven's sake,
what are they striking for?

581
00:31:20,125 --> 00:31:22,499
They're complaining about loss of assets.

582
00:31:25,666 --> 00:31:26,957
- Hail, Bilious.
- Hail, Antony.

583
00:31:27,083 --> 00:31:29,249
I want to see the boss.

584
00:31:30,291 --> 00:31:31,832
Mark Antony, sir.

585
00:31:31,958 --> 00:31:34,457
At last we'll hear something cheerful
for a change.

586
00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:36,707
My friend!

587
00:31:36,833 --> 00:31:39,915
- You're right in it this time.
- Oh, no. What's happened now?

588
00:31:40,041 --> 00:31:44,124
News from Egypt. Ptolemy has mustered
an army and is marching on Alexandria.

589
00:31:44,250 --> 00:31:46,249
What about Cleopatra? ls she mustered?

590
00:31:46,958 --> 00:31:48,540
Well, I have heard a couple of stories.

591
00:31:48,666 --> 00:31:51,332
No, I mean, has she mustered an army?

592
00:31:51,458 --> 00:31:53,457
Oh. Yes, I believe she has.

593
00:31:53,583 --> 00:31:55,415
We've got to do something
about that lot.

594
00:31:55,541 --> 00:31:56,874
But what do we do?

595
00:31:57,000 --> 00:31:59,707
Do we support Ptolemy
and defeat Cleopatra

596
00:31:59,833 --> 00:32:01,040
or vice versa?

597
00:32:01,166 --> 00:32:03,707
Well, if you're bringing vice into it,
I prefer Cleopatra.

598
00:32:03,833 --> 00:32:06,790
lf only we knew
what was happening out there.

599
00:32:06,916 --> 00:32:08,082
(Speaks gibberish)

600
00:32:09,125 --> 00:32:10,207
What on earth is going on?

601
00:32:10,333 --> 00:32:13,249
It's Daddy.
He's having one of his visions.

602
00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:19,082
Good. Now perhaps he'll be able
to tell us something.

603
00:32:26,625 --> 00:32:28,915
(Continues speaking gibberish)

604
00:32:31,708 --> 00:32:32,999
Oh! Hello!

605
00:32:33,125 --> 00:32:37,165
- Well? Did you see anything?
- Oh, yes. And it was lovely.

606
00:32:37,291 --> 00:32:38,790
There was this room, you see,

607
00:32:38,916 --> 00:32:41,124
and it was full with lovely girls
all lying about

608
00:32:41,250 --> 00:32:42,790
in things you could see right through.

609
00:32:42,916 --> 00:32:45,415
Daddy, dear.
You've been eating cheese again.

610
00:32:45,541 --> 00:32:46,790
Daughter dear, no, I haven't.

611
00:32:46,916 --> 00:32:49,832
And then Caesar came in,
and there was a lot of soldiers.

612
00:32:49,958 --> 00:32:51,749
What happened to me?

613
00:32:51,875 --> 00:32:54,124
I don't remember.
I was busy looking at the girls.

614
00:32:54,875 --> 00:32:57,249
Blimey, this is a waste of time.

615
00:32:57,375 --> 00:32:58,582
lf you want to find out
what is going to happen,

616
00:32:58,708 --> 00:33:00,165
you have to consult the vestaI virgins.

617
00:33:00,291 --> 00:33:03,999
- Of course! The temple of Vesta!
- I say! Can I come too?

618
00:33:04,125 --> 00:33:08,165
- Certainly not!
- I thought it would make a nice change.

619
00:33:08,291 --> 00:33:11,332
That's one place
we don't want any changes, thank you.

620
00:33:11,458 --> 00:33:14,332
You might have already got some,
with the eunuchs on strike.

621
00:33:14,458 --> 00:33:18,582
Oh, don't say that. I want them
to augur something really nice for me.

622
00:33:18,708 --> 00:33:22,499
You'd better hurr up. They'll soon
be shouting "Last augurs, please!"

623
00:33:24,833 --> 00:33:26,499
Uh-oh! Dead end!

624
00:33:26,625 --> 00:33:28,374
I can hear them coming. We're done for.

625
00:33:28,500 --> 00:33:30,415
No, we're not. Come on. ln here.

626
00:33:37,375 --> 00:33:38,957
- Cor!
- Shh!

627
00:33:39,083 --> 00:33:40,582
Look at that!

628
00:33:40,708 --> 00:33:42,707
Look! Look!

629
00:33:43,583 --> 00:33:44,915
Hey, there's a door.

630
00:33:46,875 --> 00:33:51,540
"Strictly no admittance.
VestaI virgins and eunuchs only."

631
00:33:51,666 --> 00:33:53,915
- What are we?
- Well, you should know.

632
00:33:58,500 --> 00:34:00,707
They must be somewhere around.

633
00:34:00,833 --> 00:34:04,582
We'll have to chance it. lf anyone asks
who we are, say we're eunuchs.

634
00:34:05,083 --> 00:34:07,707
Eh? Oh, yeah.
What have we got to lose?

635
00:34:22,291 --> 00:34:23,957
Cor!

636
00:34:26,750 --> 00:34:29,082
Hey! We're in the ladies'!

637
00:34:30,875 --> 00:34:32,957
(Squealing)

638
00:34:43,541 --> 00:34:44,707
No, you fool!

639
00:34:44,833 --> 00:34:48,332
Don't you know it's immediate death
for anyone who goes in there?

640
00:34:51,583 --> 00:34:53,332
Ho within! It's the city guard.

641
00:34:53,458 --> 00:34:55,540
Open up, please.

642
00:34:57,458 --> 00:35:00,124
Oh. That's all right.
I'm sorry to have bothered you.

643
00:35:02,708 --> 00:35:03,957
It's all right. They've gone.

644
00:35:04,333 --> 00:35:05,332
Thanks.

645
00:35:05,458 --> 00:35:08,290
Yes. I don't know
what we'd have done without you.

646
00:35:08,416 --> 00:35:11,249
I don't know
what we could have done without you.

647
00:35:13,333 --> 00:35:17,832
? Wherever I wander

648
00:35:17,958 --> 00:35:22,915
? There's no place like Rome

649
00:35:25,375 --> 00:35:26,499
More wine!

650
00:35:26,625 --> 00:35:28,665
More vino.
Come along, girl.

651
00:35:30,500 --> 00:35:32,540
Ah, there she is.

652
00:35:32,666 --> 00:35:34,832
Why don't you come on in?
The water's lovely.

653
00:35:34,958 --> 00:35:36,665
No, thank you, my lord.

654
00:35:36,791 --> 00:35:39,124
Go on, girl. I'll let you play with my duck.

655
00:35:39,250 --> 00:35:40,499
Oh!

656
00:35:43,875 --> 00:35:45,790
Hey, Seneca. Where's Caesar?

657
00:35:45,916 --> 00:35:49,832
Oh, he's gone to convulse
the VestaI Virgins.

658
00:35:49,958 --> 00:35:52,457
- Consult.
- You're quite right.

659
00:35:52,583 --> 00:35:54,499
Never mind. I'll find him later.

660
00:35:54,625 --> 00:35:56,165
Oh, no, you won't.

661
00:35:57,125 --> 00:35:57,832
What does that mean?

662
00:35:57,958 --> 00:36:01,207
That vision, and those girls.

663
00:36:01,333 --> 00:36:03,124
That was the Vestals.

664
00:36:03,250 --> 00:36:06,499
And what's more,
I can remember what happened.

665
00:36:06,625 --> 00:36:08,082
- What happened?
- He was done.

666
00:36:08,208 --> 00:36:11,290
What? He had Bilious
and the guards with him.

667
00:36:11,416 --> 00:36:12,624
Nobody could have got near him.

668
00:36:12,750 --> 00:36:15,165
Aha! That's just it.

669
00:36:15,291 --> 00:36:17,040
lt was them who did it.

670
00:36:17,166 --> 00:36:18,249
Blimus!

671
00:36:39,583 --> 00:36:40,749
Horsa...

672
00:36:41,750 --> 00:36:42,999
Mm-hm?

673
00:36:43,125 --> 00:36:46,415
Don't you think it's about time
we should be getting along?

674
00:36:46,541 --> 00:36:48,749
Oh, yes. Yes.

675
00:36:48,875 --> 00:36:51,665
Well, there's no point
in taking unnecessar risks.

676
00:36:52,666 --> 00:36:54,707
No. No, of course not.

677
00:36:56,833 --> 00:37:00,124
Perhaps we'd better just stay here
a little while longer.

678
00:37:00,250 --> 00:37:02,249
Yeah...

679
00:37:02,375 --> 00:37:04,374
Just a couple of months or so.

680
00:37:04,500 --> 00:37:06,457
? Fanfare

681
00:37:09,875 --> 00:37:11,790
Aarrgh!

682
00:37:11,916 --> 00:37:13,249
(Caesar) What's happening?

683
00:37:13,375 --> 00:37:15,374
- Sir!
- Get me out of here.

684
00:37:15,500 --> 00:37:19,124
It's a disgrace! There must be
a more comfortable way to travel.

685
00:37:19,250 --> 00:37:21,624
I'm sorry, sir, it was a low arch.
There wasn't a warning sign.

686
00:37:21,750 --> 00:37:23,582
Who holds the office
of traffic commissioner?

687
00:37:23,708 --> 00:37:24,665
You do, sir.

688
00:37:24,791 --> 00:37:27,874
Well, in future watch where you're going.
Are we there?

689
00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:30,457
- Yes, sir.
- Good. Come in with me and stay close.

690
00:37:30,583 --> 00:37:34,082
- I don't feeI safe tonight.
- You're not.

691
00:37:38,500 --> 00:37:40,415
Guard the door. Let no-one enter.

692
00:37:41,833 --> 00:37:45,915
Wise daughters of the goddess Vesta,
grant me an augur!

693
00:37:46,041 --> 00:37:48,832
Who is it that craves our advice
at this hour?

694
00:37:48,958 --> 00:37:53,707
lt is l, Caesar, grandson of Venus
and Anchises, your divine emperor.

695
00:37:53,833 --> 00:37:55,665
Caesar! We shall all die for this.

696
00:37:57,291 --> 00:37:59,624
Open up, I say! Or must I enter?

697
00:37:59,750 --> 00:38:03,457
- Yes?
- Oh, good evening. I wanted to ask...

698
00:38:03,583 --> 00:38:05,665
Are you really a VestaI Virgin?

699
00:38:05,791 --> 00:38:08,374
(High-pitched) Oh, no. No, I'm a eunuch.

700
00:38:09,208 --> 00:38:10,790
Oh, I see.

701
00:38:10,916 --> 00:38:11,915
You're a what?

702
00:38:12,041 --> 00:38:16,790
I'm sorry. VestaI Virgins are off tonight.

703
00:38:16,916 --> 00:38:20,082
Are my senses deserting me?
There's something funny going on here.

704
00:38:20,208 --> 00:38:22,832
Bilious, l...
What are you doing with your thing?

705
00:38:22,958 --> 00:38:25,207
I'm sorry, sir.
But for the good of Rome, you must die.

706
00:38:25,333 --> 00:38:28,749
But you're my personaI bodyguard!
I don't want to die.

707
00:38:28,875 --> 00:38:31,499
I may not be a ver good live emperor,
but I'd be a worse one dead!

708
00:38:31,625 --> 00:38:35,082
Treacher! lnfamy! lnfamy!

709
00:38:35,208 --> 00:38:36,915
They've all got it in-for-me!

710
00:38:40,500 --> 00:38:42,332
Aargh!

711
00:38:48,541 --> 00:38:50,499
Take this. Catch!

712
00:39:37,958 --> 00:39:39,540
(Whimpers)

713
00:39:50,541 --> 00:39:52,374
ln here. Quick!

714
00:40:01,500 --> 00:40:03,332
Ah! More of you, eh?

715
00:40:04,083 --> 00:40:05,540
Right. Come on.

716
00:40:10,791 --> 00:40:12,874
What a carveup!

717
00:40:24,583 --> 00:40:26,832
Well, he can't say I didn't warn him.

718
00:40:26,958 --> 00:40:29,332
lf I've said it once,
I've said it a thousand times.

719
00:40:29,458 --> 00:40:31,749
"Beware the ides of March," I said.

720
00:40:31,875 --> 00:40:34,082
But it's not March. It's Januar.

721
00:40:34,208 --> 00:40:37,124
Yes, but an idiot like him
wouldn't know that.

722
00:40:37,250 --> 00:40:39,624
My poor dear husband! ls he dead?

723
00:40:39,750 --> 00:40:42,290
It's difficult to tell.
He always looks the same to me.

724
00:40:42,416 --> 00:40:45,665
- He looks a little wan.
- He looks a big one if you ask me!

725
00:40:45,791 --> 00:40:47,790
Speak to me, Julius!

726
00:40:47,916 --> 00:40:49,540
Speak to me!

727
00:40:49,666 --> 00:40:52,624
I hear a night owI screeching.

728
00:40:52,750 --> 00:40:54,457
lt is l, Julius.

729
00:40:54,583 --> 00:40:56,290
Your wife Calpurnia.

730
00:40:56,416 --> 00:40:59,749
Oh, yes. I grow weak, dear.

731
00:40:59,875 --> 00:41:02,582
Draw near and lend me your ear.

732
00:41:02,708 --> 00:41:04,499
Don't. You'll never get it back.

733
00:41:05,041 --> 00:41:07,832
Yes, Julius, dear.
Did you wish to say something?

734
00:41:07,958 --> 00:41:12,957
I cannot go without saying something
for posterity.

735
00:41:13,083 --> 00:41:14,832
No, dear. Of course you cannot.

736
00:41:14,958 --> 00:41:18,582
Then let our posteriors know this.

737
00:41:18,708 --> 00:41:21,499
- Yes, Julius?
- My farewell speech.

738
00:41:21,625 --> 00:41:24,124
Friends, Romans...

739
00:41:24,250 --> 00:41:26,415
- (Whispers) Countrmen.
- I know!

740
00:41:26,541 --> 00:41:29,415
My last immortaI words are...

741
00:41:29,541 --> 00:41:32,832
Veni, vidi, vici.

742
00:41:32,958 --> 00:41:36,457
I came, I saw, l...

743
00:41:38,000 --> 00:41:39,457
I conked out.

744
00:41:39,583 --> 00:41:41,874
Oh! He's gone.

745
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:44,249
Oh, woe is me!

746
00:41:44,375 --> 00:41:47,999
Could I but tell him how sorry I am
for the way I've treated him,

747
00:41:48,125 --> 00:41:50,665
how much I loved him!

748
00:41:50,791 --> 00:41:52,582
(Wails)

749
00:41:52,708 --> 00:41:54,249
Hello. What's going on?

750
00:41:54,375 --> 00:41:56,915
The mighty and noble Caesar is no more.

751
00:41:57,041 --> 00:42:00,124
Shut up. They haven't even touched him.
He's fainted, that's all.

752
00:42:00,250 --> 00:42:01,915
You little squirt!

753
00:42:02,041 --> 00:42:04,874
They wanted to kill me.
And it's the thought that counts.

754
00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:06,832
- Come, Daddy.
- Gladly.

755
00:42:06,958 --> 00:42:08,790
Oh, but, Calpurnia...

756
00:42:08,916 --> 00:42:10,540
They'd have got you all right,

757
00:42:10,666 --> 00:42:12,624
if that slave hadn't been there
to slay 'em all.

758
00:42:12,750 --> 00:42:14,999
What slay you... what say you?

759
00:42:15,125 --> 00:42:17,082
It's incredible.
But do you know that he beat

760
00:42:17,208 --> 00:42:19,915
the five top gladiators of Rome
singlehanded?

761
00:42:20,041 --> 00:42:22,832
Where is he? I must meet this superman.

762
00:42:22,958 --> 00:42:25,540
Guards! Bring in the prisoner!

763
00:42:25,666 --> 00:42:27,165
- ls that him?
- That's him.

764
00:42:27,291 --> 00:42:29,290
(Caesar) Are they holding him
the right way up?

765
00:42:29,416 --> 00:42:31,665
Bilious and the others were all slain

766
00:42:31,791 --> 00:42:33,915
and that little runt was there
with a sword in his hand!

767
00:42:34,041 --> 00:42:37,582
- He alone?
- No. Please, there's been a mistake, sir.

768
00:42:37,708 --> 00:42:40,332
You're dead right, mate, and you made it.

769
00:42:40,458 --> 00:42:42,582
Let's see how you go
against the lions in the arena!

770
00:42:42,708 --> 00:42:46,082
Oh, no! Please, sir!
I plead for mercy! I plead for my life!

771
00:42:46,208 --> 00:42:48,665
I plead for forgiveness.

772
00:42:48,791 --> 00:42:52,207
You miserable little pleader!
Take him away!

773
00:42:52,333 --> 00:42:54,707
No, no, wait. What is your name, slave?

774
00:42:54,833 --> 00:42:57,915
Pod, sir. Hengist Pod.

775
00:42:58,041 --> 00:43:00,957
Arise, Centurion Pod.

776
00:43:01,083 --> 00:43:02,249
Eh?

777
00:43:02,375 --> 00:43:04,499
Are you kidding?
That man's a menace!

778
00:43:04,625 --> 00:43:06,374
Exactly. And with him beside me,

779
00:43:06,500 --> 00:43:09,832
no-one will dare
make an attempt on my life again.

780
00:43:09,958 --> 00:43:11,582
You are impregnable, aren't you?

781
00:43:11,708 --> 00:43:14,415
No, sir. It's just that Senna
didn't want any kids.

782
00:43:14,541 --> 00:43:16,082
Listen to me, Hengist Pod,

783
00:43:16,208 --> 00:43:20,165
I hereby appoint you
commander of the Praetorian Guard,

784
00:43:20,291 --> 00:43:24,582
protector imperatori,
champion gladiator of Rome,

785
00:43:24,708 --> 00:43:29,665
honorar member of the Senate
and custodian of the imperiaI chambers.

786
00:43:29,791 --> 00:43:32,165
What did all that mean?

787
00:43:32,291 --> 00:43:35,207
That means that he has gone potty!

788
00:43:35,333 --> 00:43:37,415
(Narrator)
'And that is how a simple Briton

789
00:43:37,541 --> 00:43:40,249
'who had never
so much as hurt a prehistoric fly,

790
00:43:40,375 --> 00:43:44,665
'became overnight the most feared
and admired man in Rome.

791
00:43:44,791 --> 00:43:46,582
'Ever time he appeared in public

792
00:43:46,708 --> 00:43:49,124
'the crowds clamoured
for his autograph and souvenirs.'

793
00:43:52,750 --> 00:43:54,832
(Cheering)

794
00:44:09,083 --> 00:44:12,165
'ln his task of protecting
the imperiaI body of Caesar,

795
00:44:12,291 --> 00:44:14,249
'Hengist proved an effective deterrent.'

796
00:44:14,375 --> 00:44:16,374
All those in favour...

797
00:44:16,500 --> 00:44:18,582
(All) No!

798
00:44:20,250 --> 00:44:22,665
I'm sorry, gentleman,
what was that vote again?

799
00:44:22,791 --> 00:44:24,790
(All) Yes!

800
00:44:24,916 --> 00:44:28,124
Thank you, gentlemen,
I thought that was what you said.

801
00:44:28,875 --> 00:44:32,165
(Narrator) 'Yes, being
Caesar's bodyguard was a full-time job.

802
00:44:32,291 --> 00:44:35,915
'Only when night came
could Hengist really relax.'

803
00:44:40,708 --> 00:44:42,790
Good night! Good luck!

804
00:44:42,916 --> 00:44:44,999
- What did you say, Julius?
- Good night.

805
00:44:46,541 --> 00:44:48,165
Good night.

806
00:44:48,291 --> 00:44:50,374
(Mouths)

807
00:44:51,833 --> 00:44:54,290
(Narrator) 'At this time,
Mark Antony was arriving at Alexandria

808
00:44:54,416 --> 00:44:57,082
'at the head of another Roman legion.

809
00:44:57,208 --> 00:45:00,124
'He carried with him
express orders from Caesar

810
00:45:00,250 --> 00:45:04,499
'to remove Cleopatra from the throne
of Egypt and give it to Ptolemy.

811
00:45:05,041 --> 00:45:08,457
'Some hope. lt was like asking your wife
to give up her mink coat,

812
00:45:08,583 --> 00:45:10,832
'because your girlfriend
is sitting in a draught.'

813
00:45:10,958 --> 00:45:12,332
Can I help you, gentlemen?

814
00:45:12,458 --> 00:45:14,457
Yeah. We want to see Cleopatra.
Who are you?

815
00:45:14,583 --> 00:45:16,707
I am her chief councillor Archimedes.

816
00:45:16,833 --> 00:45:20,207
- Get away. All right, take us to her.
- The Queen is at her toilet.

817
00:45:20,333 --> 00:45:22,457
Oh. Well, we'll wait, then.

818
00:45:22,583 --> 00:45:25,665
Then I will inform Her Majesty
of your arrival.

819
00:45:25,791 --> 00:45:27,082
Thank you.

820
00:45:28,916 --> 00:45:32,207
Right. Now, when we see her,
no messing about. She has got to go.

821
00:45:32,333 --> 00:45:34,207
And if she won't go quietly...

822
00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:38,582
Sir, I've no stomach for this sort of thing.
I've never made war on women.

823
00:45:38,708 --> 00:45:42,499
Then it's high time you started, mate.
They're a dead menace.

824
00:45:42,625 --> 00:45:44,332
Any time there's any kind of trouble,

825
00:45:44,458 --> 00:45:47,499
you can bet your bottom sesterce
there's a woman behind it.

826
00:45:47,625 --> 00:45:51,207
- I still don't like it.
- You're too soft. Just leave it to me.

827
00:45:51,333 --> 00:45:53,707
I know how to handle
this ambitious battleaxe.

828
00:45:53,833 --> 00:45:55,999
She's too big for her boots,
that's her trouble.

829
00:45:57,458 --> 00:46:00,665
The Queen will see you now.
Follow me, gentlemen.

830
00:46:06,166 --> 00:46:08,249
ln here, gentlemen, please.

831
00:46:09,750 --> 00:46:12,749
All right, I'll come straight to the point.
Miss, l... You...

832
00:46:12,875 --> 00:46:14,040
Yes?

833
00:46:15,875 --> 00:46:17,957
ls there something I can do for you?

834
00:46:18,083 --> 00:46:20,332
(Growls lustfully)

835
00:46:21,541 --> 00:46:23,540
Go on. Tell her.

836
00:46:23,666 --> 00:46:25,832
(Growls lustfully)

837
00:46:25,958 --> 00:46:28,457
You know.
She's getting too big for her boots.

838
00:46:29,416 --> 00:46:30,624
Boots? What boots?

839
00:46:31,208 --> 00:46:33,707
- I don't see any boots.
- Caesar's orders.

840
00:46:33,833 --> 00:46:35,832
She's got to go.

841
00:46:35,958 --> 00:46:37,957
- Go?
- Yeah.

842
00:46:38,375 --> 00:46:40,624
- Got to go.
- Oh, well. Goodbye.

843
00:46:40,750 --> 00:46:42,082
Not me. Her.

844
00:46:42,208 --> 00:46:43,957
Eh? Oh, yes.

845
00:46:44,083 --> 00:46:46,874
Yes. Now look, I'm ver sorry, miss.

846
00:46:47,000 --> 00:46:49,499
But I've had my orders. Madam, l...

847
00:46:53,125 --> 00:46:58,124
Don't apologise, please. I could forgive
such a handsome visitor anything.

848
00:47:00,666 --> 00:47:02,832
What handsome visitor?

849
00:47:02,958 --> 00:47:04,207
Oh, me!

850
00:47:04,333 --> 00:47:07,082
I thought you said
you knew how to handle women.

851
00:47:07,208 --> 00:47:08,999
Well, I do. It's all right.

852
00:47:09,125 --> 00:47:12,415
Now look here, miss, I have come
from Rome at Caesar's express bidding

853
00:47:12,541 --> 00:47:14,082
to get...

854
00:47:14,708 --> 00:47:17,707
Just one moment.
lf you're going to get cross with me,

855
00:47:17,833 --> 00:47:19,290
I'll just get out of my bath

856
00:47:19,416 --> 00:47:22,290
and slip into something a little
more comfortable, if you don't mind.

857
00:47:29,375 --> 00:47:31,165
(Growls)

858
00:47:35,083 --> 00:47:41,165
You were saying?

859
00:47:41,291 --> 00:47:43,707
(Narrator) 'But Cleo knew
that as Queen of Egypt,

860
00:47:43,833 --> 00:47:47,582
'she could offer favours that a Roman
generaI would find hard to refuse.

861
00:47:47,708 --> 00:47:48,999
'And she knew too

862
00:47:49,125 --> 00:47:52,290
'that such favours as the powerful
Ptolemy might have to offer,

863
00:47:52,416 --> 00:47:54,082
'he could stick in his ear hole.'

864
00:47:54,208 --> 00:47:56,082
Cleo!

865
00:47:56,208 --> 00:47:57,665
Mark, you're back!

866
00:47:57,791 --> 00:47:59,665
- And have I got good news for you.
- What?

867
00:47:59,791 --> 00:48:02,624
Ptolemy's head, it's fallen. ln the dust.

868
00:48:02,750 --> 00:48:04,499
- But how?
- I cut it off.

869
00:48:04,625 --> 00:48:06,540
Thank you! It's just what I always wanted.

870
00:48:07,250 --> 00:48:09,874
Now I'm the undisputed queen
of all Egypt.

871
00:48:10,000 --> 00:48:12,499
Do you know, I feel
I ought to give you something in return.

872
00:48:13,541 --> 00:48:15,790
Yes, but not in front
of all the handmaidens.

873
00:48:15,916 --> 00:48:17,915
No, no, no.

874
00:48:18,708 --> 00:48:24,749
There. Now, come and sit beside me.

875
00:48:24,875 --> 00:48:26,999
Do we have to have him
hanging around all the time?

876
00:48:27,125 --> 00:48:30,874
Sosages? He's my bodyguard.
He never leaves my side.

877
00:48:31,000 --> 00:48:34,832
Yes, I know, but I don't like sausages,
especially overcooked.

878
00:48:34,958 --> 00:48:38,957
There's nothing to fear, lover.
He's a mute. And he cannot talk either.

879
00:48:39,083 --> 00:48:41,082
No, but he can watch, can't he?

880
00:48:42,666 --> 00:48:44,624
Just to please you.

881
00:48:44,750 --> 00:48:46,415
Sosages, you may leave us.

882
00:48:54,250 --> 00:48:56,249
Now then, that's better!

883
00:48:56,375 --> 00:48:58,582
(Crack)

884
00:48:58,708 --> 00:49:00,290
You sure that's dead?

885
00:49:00,416 --> 00:49:03,290
- Do you know, lover, I've been thinking...
- Me, too.

886
00:49:03,416 --> 00:49:06,665
I've been thinking about all the things
you and I could do together...

887
00:49:06,791 --> 00:49:09,207
- That makes two of us!
- ... if only you were emperor!

888
00:49:09,333 --> 00:49:11,915
Yeah, but I'm not.
So just do with me as I am.

889
00:49:12,041 --> 00:49:13,832
No, no, no, but you could be.

890
00:49:13,958 --> 00:49:16,249
Supposing Caesar were to die suddenly.
Couldn't you?

891
00:49:16,375 --> 00:49:18,207
You've got Ptolemy's head.
What more do you want?

892
00:49:18,333 --> 00:49:21,999
We have an old saying in Egypt.
"Two heads are better than one."

893
00:49:22,166 --> 00:49:25,082
But you don't know what you're asking.
Caesar is my friend.

894
00:49:25,208 --> 00:49:27,249
But it's such a little thing to ask for.

895
00:49:27,375 --> 00:49:29,832
That's just it, it's not a little thing.
He's a big head.

896
00:49:29,958 --> 00:49:33,249
You've disappointed me.
I thought that you were a reaI man.

897
00:49:34,041 --> 00:49:35,290
I am.

898
00:49:35,416 --> 00:49:36,499
Then prove it.

899
00:49:37,000 --> 00:49:38,624
That's what I've been trying to do.

900
00:49:38,750 --> 00:49:40,665
No, no, no. Remember I'm a queen

901
00:49:40,791 --> 00:49:42,540
and I cannot consort
with anyone but an equal.

902
00:49:42,666 --> 00:49:47,415
Supposing, just supposing, I did
what you wanted and I became emperor,

903
00:49:48,416 --> 00:49:49,915
what would be my reward?

904
00:49:50,916 --> 00:49:52,624
I'll show you.

905
00:49:57,125 --> 00:50:01,040
(Cleopatra) Hurr back.
I shall be waiting... impatiently.

906
00:50:01,583 --> 00:50:03,582
I'll be back. Don't you worr.

907
00:50:04,333 --> 00:50:05,999
Give me strength!

908
00:50:11,791 --> 00:50:15,874
Puer. Oh, puer, oh, puer!

909
00:50:16,000 --> 00:50:18,332
(Narrator)
'Which, as any schoolboy knows,

910
00:50:18,458 --> 00:50:22,957
'means, "Boy. Oh, boy, oh, boy!"

911
00:50:25,291 --> 00:50:29,499
'So, as Mark Antony hurried back
from Cleo to his friend Caesar in Rome,

912
00:50:29,625 --> 00:50:33,374
'it looked as if one man's meat was going
to be another man's dose of rat poison.

913
00:50:33,500 --> 00:50:36,499
'While Caesar,
his popularity and safety guaranteed

914
00:50:36,625 --> 00:50:39,832
'by the reputation of his
bodyguard Hengist, carries on as usual.'

915
00:50:39,958 --> 00:50:41,957
Yes. Ver nice, dear.

916
00:50:42,083 --> 00:50:44,999
Thank you ver much. Definitely me.

917
00:50:45,125 --> 00:50:46,874
Where's my laurels?

918
00:50:47,000 --> 00:50:48,582
Here they are, my lord.

919
00:50:48,708 --> 00:50:51,540
Silly me. I've been resting on 'em!

920
00:50:51,666 --> 00:50:52,665
Will that be all, my lord?

921
00:50:52,791 --> 00:50:55,374
You might just run an iron over those
for me.

922
00:51:03,750 --> 00:51:05,415
I wish you'd get rid of that woman!

923
00:51:05,541 --> 00:51:07,082
Oh, don't be like that, dear.

924
00:51:07,208 --> 00:51:09,790
You know ver well
I've only got eyes for you.

925
00:51:09,916 --> 00:51:11,957
That's all I ever get nowadays, eyes.

926
00:51:12,083 --> 00:51:14,040
Go along with you.
Have another bunch of grapes.

927
00:51:16,291 --> 00:51:18,165
Excuse me, sir. Mark Antony is here.

928
00:51:18,291 --> 00:51:20,915
Oh, my friend!

929
00:51:21,041 --> 00:51:22,624
- Let him come in.
- Yes, sir.

930
00:51:25,375 --> 00:51:27,832
All right. You can go in now.

931
00:51:27,958 --> 00:51:29,957
- Thank you.
- Just a minute.

932
00:51:30,083 --> 00:51:31,790
I'd like your sword first.

933
00:51:31,916 --> 00:51:35,665
Have you gone raving mad?
I'm Caesar's friend.

934
00:51:35,791 --> 00:51:38,582
That's what they all say.
Come on. Hand over your sword.

935
00:51:38,708 --> 00:51:40,665
- Go and get...
- Watch it!

936
00:51:40,791 --> 00:51:44,082
Remember what happened to Bilious
and the others.

937
00:51:45,958 --> 00:51:47,582
There.

938
00:51:47,708 --> 00:51:51,082
That's better. OK. You can go in now.

939
00:51:51,208 --> 00:51:52,582
I don't get it.

940
00:51:52,708 --> 00:51:54,499
I just don't get it.

941
00:51:54,625 --> 00:51:59,665
How did you manage to dispatch
five of them, all by your idiot self?

942
00:52:00,416 --> 00:52:02,165
lt was quite simple, really.

943
00:52:02,291 --> 00:52:04,707
I'm ver sorry there wasn't more of them,
as a matter of fact.

944
00:52:04,833 --> 00:52:09,124
- I don't like things to be too onesided.
- Get away. Show me how you did it.

945
00:52:10,708 --> 00:52:12,249
Go on. Show me.

946
00:52:14,583 --> 00:52:17,540
Like this. I started off
with a couple of quick parries,

947
00:52:17,666 --> 00:52:19,707
like that you see, followed by the riposte.

948
00:52:19,833 --> 00:52:23,707
I gave him the cut and thrust, followed
by the pas-dedeux, and the old onetwo.

949
00:52:25,708 --> 00:52:27,207
What have I done?

950
00:52:27,333 --> 00:52:30,374
Forget it.
Nobody will ever notice the difference.

951
00:52:36,291 --> 00:52:39,540
I'm sorry, Venus, madam.

952
00:52:39,666 --> 00:52:41,332
- Tony!
- Julie!

953
00:52:41,458 --> 00:52:44,665
Oh, it is good to see you back.
How did everything go in Egypt?

954
00:52:44,791 --> 00:52:46,207
What a fantastic countr!

955
00:52:46,333 --> 00:52:48,665
You ought to see the pyramids.
And the Sphinx.

956
00:52:48,791 --> 00:52:51,790
Yes, that's because they have no drains,
of course.

957
00:52:51,916 --> 00:52:54,165
- But how did everything go?
- Oh, fine. Fine.

958
00:52:54,291 --> 00:52:57,207
- Everything went according to plan?
- Well, not quite.

959
00:52:57,333 --> 00:52:59,790
- What do you mean?
- You told me to get rid of Cleopatra

960
00:52:59,916 --> 00:53:01,415
and put Ptolemy on the throne.

961
00:53:01,541 --> 00:53:03,457
- Yes.
- I did it the other way round.

962
00:53:03,583 --> 00:53:05,832
Anyone could make a mistake,
I suppose.

963
00:53:05,958 --> 00:53:08,165
lt wasn't a mistake. I did it on purpose.

964
00:53:08,291 --> 00:53:09,790
Cos quite frankly, I thought

965
00:53:09,916 --> 00:53:12,290
she would make
a much better queen than he would.

966
00:53:12,416 --> 00:53:14,082
She is the right sex, of course!

967
00:53:14,208 --> 00:53:16,540
Not only that. She's all for us Romans.

968
00:53:16,666 --> 00:53:18,040
How do you know?

969
00:53:19,000 --> 00:53:23,707
She told me that her greatest ambition
is to have a liaison with you.

970
00:53:23,833 --> 00:53:26,707
Hang on. Not in front of the wife.

971
00:53:26,833 --> 00:53:28,165
Hello, dear. How are you?

972
00:53:28,291 --> 00:53:31,624
Are you all right? Have another melon.

973
00:53:31,750 --> 00:53:34,290
Tell me more about this Cleopatra.
What's she like?

974
00:53:34,416 --> 00:53:37,374
You have got to see her.
Her hair is as black as ebony,

975
00:53:37,500 --> 00:53:40,707
her face is like an ivor goddess,
and her neck is like a swan.

976
00:53:40,833 --> 00:53:42,457
Oh, yes. Go on.

977
00:53:42,583 --> 00:53:45,915
- Her feet like sculptured marble.
- Don't leave out all the best bits!

978
00:53:46,000 --> 00:53:50,457
I cannot tell you any more about
this woman. She is absolute perfection.

979
00:53:50,583 --> 00:53:52,582
They call her the "Siren of the Nile."

980
00:53:52,708 --> 00:53:54,707
Oh! I hope she don't go off!

981
00:53:54,833 --> 00:53:57,124
I mean, they do tend to
in these hot countries.

982
00:53:57,250 --> 00:54:01,082
Don't worr. She's got a deep frieze
running round the walls of the palace.

983
00:54:01,208 --> 00:54:03,082
Well, I would like to meet her.

984
00:54:03,208 --> 00:54:05,624
But I don't see
how I can get away again so soon.

985
00:54:07,333 --> 00:54:09,207
Say it's an officiaI visit.

986
00:54:09,333 --> 00:54:10,915
To do what?

987
00:54:11,000 --> 00:54:13,582
Tell her they want you
to open a tomb or something.

988
00:54:13,708 --> 00:54:17,707
Yes. lt might work.
I don't know, though. Look at her.

989
00:54:18,916 --> 00:54:23,624
Julie, Julie. I tell you, you have
never seen a beauty such as this.

990
00:54:23,750 --> 00:54:26,249
And underneath, a raging passion,

991
00:54:26,375 --> 00:54:29,415
like a tempestuous stream
waiting to burst its banks!

992
00:54:29,541 --> 00:54:33,790
Oh, that's done it. Order my galley,
and find out what time the banks open.

993
00:54:34,916 --> 00:54:36,207
Come on!

994
00:54:36,333 --> 00:54:38,415
(Gulls cry)

995
00:54:39,916 --> 00:54:41,874
Go on. Move.

996
00:54:45,041 --> 00:54:46,540
What was all that?

997
00:54:46,666 --> 00:54:49,499
Just watching the galley slaves
come aboard.

998
00:54:49,625 --> 00:54:50,874
Right, now then.

999
00:54:51,000 --> 00:54:54,040
Before Caesar gets here, let's make
quite sure we understand each other.

1000
00:54:54,166 --> 00:54:56,249
Caesar has got to die
before we reach Egypt.

1001
00:54:56,375 --> 00:54:59,165
- I don't like it, Mark.
- You don't like it?

1002
00:54:59,291 --> 00:55:01,999
I'm not asking you
to do ver much, am l?

1003
00:55:02,125 --> 00:55:03,999
I mean, it's not for my good, is it?

1004
00:55:04,125 --> 00:55:05,915
- It's for the good of Rome.
- Are you sure?

1005
00:55:06,000 --> 00:55:08,874
Course I'm sure. And on top of that,
when I'm emperor,

1006
00:55:09,000 --> 00:55:10,290
I'll see you four are all right.

1007
00:55:10,416 --> 00:55:13,707
Ah, ver well, but I wish
you hadn't asked me to slay him.

1008
00:55:13,833 --> 00:55:15,957
- Why not?
- I'm his cousin.

1009
00:55:16,083 --> 00:55:18,624
I can't do it, can l?
I'm his friend.

1010
00:55:18,750 --> 00:55:20,957
? Fanfare

1011
00:55:21,083 --> 00:55:24,415
Here comes his new champ,
Maximus Big Bonce.

1012
00:55:24,541 --> 00:55:26,582
- Hail.
- Hail.

1013
00:55:31,208 --> 00:55:33,582
Morning, General. Are you all ready
for Caesar to come aboard?

1014
00:55:33,708 --> 00:55:37,290
Oh, no. We're just standing here
to give the seagulls a bit of practice.

1015
00:55:37,416 --> 00:55:39,540
Oh, yes? Well, er...

1016
00:55:39,666 --> 00:55:41,249
Where's the Captain?

1017
00:55:41,375 --> 00:55:43,457
- Watch it!
- I'm Agrippa.

1018
00:55:43,583 --> 00:55:47,915
And I know one or two holds myself.
So you wanna watch it, mate.

1019
00:55:48,041 --> 00:55:50,624
He's the Captain. His name is Agrippa.

1020
00:55:50,750 --> 00:55:52,665
Why couldn't he say so?

1021
00:55:52,791 --> 00:55:55,749
Now, listen to me, all you men.

1022
00:55:55,875 --> 00:55:59,749
Listen to...

1023
00:55:59,875 --> 00:56:03,832
Listen to me, all you men, I'm responsible
for Caesar's safety on this ship.

1024
00:56:03,958 --> 00:56:08,624
So if any of you are thinking of starting
anything, you've got to answer to me.

1025
00:56:08,750 --> 00:56:10,499
Oh!
(Laughs)

1026
00:56:13,500 --> 00:56:15,290
I suppose you think that's funny.

1027
00:56:17,583 --> 00:56:18,874
Right.

1028
00:56:19,000 --> 00:56:22,332
I will now check Caesar's quarters.
Where are they?

1029
00:56:22,458 --> 00:56:24,124
- Over here.
- Thank you.

1030
00:56:26,750 --> 00:56:28,749
Argh!

1031
00:56:28,875 --> 00:56:30,957
(Clattering)

1032
00:56:33,416 --> 00:56:34,999
He'll have to go, too.

1033
00:56:35,125 --> 00:56:36,749
? Fanfare

1034
00:56:36,875 --> 00:56:38,165
Hail, Caesar.

1035
00:56:38,916 --> 00:56:40,290
Hail.

1036
00:56:40,791 --> 00:56:43,374
Now, Julius,
do remember what I told you.

1037
00:56:43,500 --> 00:56:47,832
Always wear your wooI vest, see the beds
are aired, and don't drink the water.

1038
00:56:47,958 --> 00:56:49,790
Yes, yes, yes. All right, dear.

1039
00:56:49,916 --> 00:56:52,374
Don't have anything to do
with eastern women.

1040
00:56:52,500 --> 00:56:53,790
I've heard funny stories about them.

1041
00:56:53,916 --> 00:56:55,957
It's a purely business tr...

1042
00:56:56,083 --> 00:56:57,832
Really? What sort of stories?

1043
00:56:57,958 --> 00:57:00,624
Well, there was this eastern...
Never mind that!

1044
00:57:00,750 --> 00:57:02,124
Why you're taking her, I can't imagine.

1045
00:57:02,250 --> 00:57:05,082
I've told you, dear.
I'm taking her to give to Cleopatra.

1046
00:57:05,208 --> 00:57:08,999
- I don't like turning up without something.
- Why couldn't you have taken me?

1047
00:57:09,125 --> 00:57:12,040
She wouldn't want you.
Now, run along, we've got to go.

1048
00:57:12,166 --> 00:57:14,999
Well, I'm glad Daddy is going.
He can keep an eye on things.

1049
00:57:15,125 --> 00:57:16,915
He's doing that already, the dirty old...

1050
00:57:17,041 --> 00:57:20,207
- Seneca. Say your farewell.
- Oh, yes. Goodbye, dear.

1051
00:57:20,333 --> 00:57:22,832
Not to her. She's going with us.

1052
00:57:22,958 --> 00:57:25,624
Yes, I know, but this is more fun
than saying goodbye to my daughter.

1053
00:57:25,750 --> 00:57:28,457
Come on. We've got to get under way.

1054
00:57:28,583 --> 00:57:30,999
- Goodbye, Daddy.
- Goodbye, daughter.

1055
00:57:31,125 --> 00:57:32,874
Goodbye, Julius.

1056
00:57:33,000 --> 00:57:35,665
Goodbye. Good riddance.

1057
00:57:35,791 --> 00:57:39,165
(Narrator) 'And so, their proud ship
set saiI for Egypt.

1058
00:57:39,291 --> 00:57:42,457
'Little did they know
that down in the engine room,

1059
00:57:42,583 --> 00:57:46,499
'a desperate man was preparing
to bung a spanner in the machiner.'

1060
00:57:46,625 --> 00:57:48,165
(Overseer) ln!

1061
00:57:49,041 --> 00:57:50,290
Out!

1062
00:57:51,291 --> 00:57:53,790
ln!

1063
00:57:53,916 --> 00:57:55,582
Out!

1064
00:57:55,708 --> 00:57:57,665
Put your back into it, scum!

1065
00:58:00,458 --> 00:58:02,957
- Will you have some, my lord?
- I don't know, dear. What is it?

1066
00:58:03,083 --> 00:58:07,165
Delicious, my lord! It's peacocks' tongues
and alligators' brains in aspic.

1067
00:58:07,291 --> 00:58:09,999
No, thank you, dear.
I don't think I'll bother.

1068
00:58:10,125 --> 00:58:11,582
Oh. Will you have some, my lord?

1069
00:58:11,708 --> 00:58:14,707
Well, I wouldn't mind a little nibble,
I must say!

1070
00:58:14,833 --> 00:58:16,457
That'll be quite enough
of that sort of thing!

1071
00:58:16,583 --> 00:58:18,540
I only wanted to see what was for afters.

1072
00:58:18,666 --> 00:58:22,082
Did I ever tell you about the feast
Cleopatra threw for me on her barge?

1073
00:58:22,208 --> 00:58:24,582
Please don't mention throwing.

1074
00:58:24,708 --> 00:58:28,832
- You are not well, my lord?
- Just a little sic transit, Gloria!

1075
00:58:28,958 --> 00:58:31,332
ln!

1076
00:58:31,458 --> 00:58:33,499
Out!

1077
00:58:33,625 --> 00:58:35,207
ln!

1078
00:58:35,875 --> 00:58:37,332
Out!

1079
00:58:37,458 --> 00:58:39,415
All right. Take it easy.

1080
00:58:39,541 --> 00:58:41,624
Rest.

1081
00:58:43,625 --> 00:58:45,957
I can see the coast
about a quarter of a mile away.

1082
00:58:46,083 --> 00:58:48,082
- That must be Africa.
- Right.

1083
00:58:49,125 --> 00:58:51,832
What about a little swim, eh?

1084
00:58:51,958 --> 00:58:54,582
Look out, he's coming.

1085
00:58:54,708 --> 00:58:56,707
(Overseer) Right, you scum.

1086
00:58:56,833 --> 00:58:58,665
Get ready for some rowing.

1087
00:58:59,708 --> 00:59:01,790
(Chokes)

1088
00:59:05,708 --> 00:59:06,999
You've done him in.

1089
00:59:07,125 --> 00:59:09,582
I must've pulled the chain too hard.
Oh, well.

1090
00:59:13,166 --> 00:59:16,165
Right, lads. Here we go.
Go off as quietly as possible.

1091
00:59:16,291 --> 00:59:17,999
Slip over the side and swim for it.

1092
00:59:19,708 --> 00:59:21,290
There, Julie. Have a bit of fruit.

1093
00:59:21,416 --> 00:59:23,999
I might just manage a bit of melon.

1094
00:59:24,125 --> 00:59:26,290
Would you like some fruit, Hengist?

1095
00:59:26,416 --> 00:59:27,457
What's this?

1096
00:59:27,583 --> 00:59:30,082
They call that a banana.
Comes from Africa.

1097
00:59:32,250 --> 00:59:33,749
Funny sort of taste, innit?

1098
00:59:33,875 --> 00:59:37,540
- You're supposed to take the inside out.
- Oh. I see.

1099
00:59:42,000 --> 00:59:43,124
Oh, yes. Much better.

1100
00:59:43,250 --> 00:59:47,082
I meant to tell you.
I had a smashing vision last night.

1101
00:59:47,208 --> 00:59:50,832
- Not another one.
- Yes. Stop me if you've heard it before.

1102
00:59:50,958 --> 00:59:52,915
We were all sitting here having a meal.

1103
00:59:53,416 --> 00:59:56,582
You went out onto the deck, and there
were Agrippa and all the other officers

1104
00:59:56,708 --> 01:00:00,082
with their dirty great swords hanging out.
Most enjoyable!

1105
01:00:00,208 --> 01:00:02,207
Why, what happened?

1106
01:00:02,333 --> 01:00:04,832
They sliced your head in two.

1107
01:00:04,958 --> 01:00:06,957
Oh! Oh!

1108
01:00:08,000 --> 01:00:09,790
Defend yourself, Caesar!

1109
01:00:12,125 --> 01:00:13,540
It's true!

1110
01:00:13,666 --> 01:00:14,832
(Antony) What's true?

1111
01:00:14,958 --> 01:00:17,457
Agrippa and the others,
with their swords out.

1112
01:00:17,583 --> 01:00:21,332
Oh, good.
I've never had a vision come true before.

1113
01:00:22,375 --> 01:00:24,499
What's going to happen to me?
What?

1114
01:00:24,625 --> 01:00:28,457
I told you. Your head
will be sliced completely in two.

1115
01:00:28,583 --> 01:00:29,832
Oh, shut up!

1116
01:00:30,291 --> 01:00:31,957
(agrippa) Caesar! Hear me!

1117
01:00:32,083 --> 01:00:34,415
What I am doing is for Rome.

1118
01:00:34,541 --> 01:00:37,124
Since you are a soldier like me,

1119
01:00:37,250 --> 01:00:40,832
I will give you the chance to face us,
sword in hand,

1120
01:00:40,958 --> 01:00:43,332
and die with dignity!

1121
01:00:44,541 --> 01:00:48,290
Did you hear them? They want me
to go out and face them, sword in hand,

1122
01:00:48,416 --> 01:00:50,249
and die with dignity.

1123
01:00:50,375 --> 01:00:51,832
Help me!

1124
01:00:53,000 --> 01:00:54,749
You can borrow this if you like.

1125
01:00:54,875 --> 01:00:58,040
But I don't want to face them
and die with dignity!

1126
01:00:58,166 --> 01:01:00,457
Then stick it up your toga
and go out backwards.

1127
01:01:14,416 --> 01:01:18,374
Tony! You'll not let them slay me.
You'll take them on, won't you?

1128
01:01:18,500 --> 01:01:21,415
I'd like to, Julie,
but I can never fight on a full stomach.

1129
01:01:21,541 --> 01:01:23,957
Oh, woe is me.

1130
01:01:24,083 --> 01:01:26,374
ls there to be no succour?

1131
01:01:26,500 --> 01:01:28,665
Yeah. There's always Hengist.

1132
01:01:28,791 --> 01:01:31,040
Hengist! Of course. My champion.

1133
01:01:31,166 --> 01:01:32,374
Where is he?

1134
01:01:32,500 --> 01:01:33,874
Yes?

1135
01:01:34,000 --> 01:01:36,832
You will go out and face them.
There are only four of them.

1136
01:01:36,958 --> 01:01:39,707
You needn't worr.
You can dispatch them quite easily.

1137
01:01:39,833 --> 01:01:41,165
Me?

1138
01:01:41,291 --> 01:01:43,124
Yes. After all, that is your job.

1139
01:01:43,250 --> 01:01:45,499
You're chief dispatching clerk!

1140
01:01:47,000 --> 01:01:48,874
But they don't want me.
They asked for you.

1141
01:01:49,000 --> 01:01:51,999
- He's quite right, you know.
- Mind your own business.

1142
01:01:52,166 --> 01:01:54,874
Pardon me, but it is my business.
After all, it was my vision.

1143
01:01:55,000 --> 01:01:58,332
It's no good depending on that twit.
He's quivering with fright.

1144
01:01:58,458 --> 01:02:00,499
I've just thought of something.

1145
01:02:01,583 --> 01:02:04,707
Why don't we all keep quiet
and perhaps they'll go away.

1146
01:02:04,833 --> 01:02:06,165
No!

1147
01:02:07,750 --> 01:02:08,957
All right.

1148
01:02:09,666 --> 01:02:11,790
I'll just take a few... practice swings.

1149
01:02:16,541 --> 01:02:17,999
(Feebly) En garde!

1150
01:02:22,083 --> 01:02:24,290
Ha! Look at that!
They'll make mincemeat of him.

1151
01:02:26,125 --> 01:02:29,415
We who are about to die, salute you.

1152
01:02:29,541 --> 01:02:31,540
Oh, don't be so formal.

1153
01:02:31,666 --> 01:02:33,457
Come on.

1154
01:02:43,166 --> 01:02:45,040
One, two, three, four!

1155
01:02:45,166 --> 01:02:46,790
What happened?

1156
01:02:50,333 --> 01:02:52,707
Ah! You would, would you?
Right! Take that!

1157
01:02:52,833 --> 01:02:54,832
Behind me, eh?

1158
01:02:54,958 --> 01:02:56,957
You Roman rotter. Take that!

1159
01:02:57,083 --> 01:02:59,082
(Yells)

1160
01:02:59,208 --> 01:03:01,290
Right, that's three of 'em!

1161
01:03:03,916 --> 01:03:05,582
All right.
(Sniffs nonchalantly)

1162
01:03:05,708 --> 01:03:07,624
You can come out now.

1163
01:03:10,375 --> 01:03:12,165
Hey! He's done it!

1164
01:03:12,291 --> 01:03:13,999
Oh...

1165
01:03:14,583 --> 01:03:18,457
Sorr to have kept you waiting so long,
but I couldn't find my usuaI form today.

1166
01:03:18,583 --> 01:03:20,707
My champion!

1167
01:03:20,833 --> 01:03:22,999
Oh, isn't he marvellous?

1168
01:03:23,125 --> 01:03:25,290
I must do you some honour.

1169
01:03:25,416 --> 01:03:26,582
It's all in the course of duty, sir.

1170
01:03:26,708 --> 01:03:29,999
No. ln recognition
of your great services to me,

1171
01:03:30,125 --> 01:03:35,457
Centurion Pod, I hereby invest you
with the lmperiaI Order of the Bath.

1172
01:03:35,583 --> 01:03:37,624
Don't lose that. It's the plug.

1173
01:03:39,583 --> 01:03:42,207
Thank you, sir.
But all I really want is my freedom.

1174
01:03:42,333 --> 01:03:45,624
Well, we'll talk about that later
when we get to Alexandria perhaps.

1175
01:03:45,750 --> 01:03:47,415
lf we ever get to Alexandria.

1176
01:03:47,541 --> 01:03:49,082
lf we... What do you mean?

1177
01:03:49,208 --> 01:03:52,332
Well, haven't you noticed?
There's nobody rowing.

1178
01:03:52,458 --> 01:03:57,665
ln! Out!

1179
01:03:58,416 --> 01:04:00,915
- ln...
- Oh, isn't it sickening?

1180
01:04:01,041 --> 01:04:05,540
The emperor of the mighty
Roman Empire paddling his own canoe!

1181
01:04:05,875 --> 01:04:07,749
(Narrator)
'Having arrived safely at Alexandria,

1182
01:04:07,875 --> 01:04:09,582
'Mark Antony
hurried ahead to the palace

1183
01:04:09,708 --> 01:04:11,665
'for his early morning cup of tea.

1184
01:04:11,791 --> 01:04:14,957
'He was too late.
Cleopatra had hogged all the milk.

1185
01:04:16,166 --> 01:04:17,874
'What a woman she was,

1186
01:04:18,000 --> 01:04:22,290
'immortalised in Macaulay's famous poem
The Lay Of Ancient Rome.

1187
01:04:22,416 --> 01:04:24,749
'No wonder
Antony couldn't mark time!'

1188
01:04:24,875 --> 01:04:26,915
- Cleo!
- Mark!

1189
01:04:34,333 --> 01:04:37,707
Oh, blimey. I wish you'd get out
of that bath now and then.

1190
01:04:37,833 --> 01:04:41,207
Ah, you're cross.
Don't you love your little Cleo?

1191
01:04:41,333 --> 01:04:43,415
As much as any man can love a woman

1192
01:04:43,541 --> 01:04:45,749
who spends half her time
up to her neck in asses' milk.

1193
01:04:45,875 --> 01:04:47,874
I only bathe four times a day.

1194
01:04:48,000 --> 01:04:49,624
They must milk those asses
to a standstill.

1195
01:04:49,750 --> 01:04:51,790
Something's worring my little Markie.

1196
01:04:51,916 --> 01:04:53,749
- I'll say there is.
- But what's wrong?

1197
01:04:53,875 --> 01:04:57,332
I'll tell you. Caesar still lives.

1198
01:04:57,458 --> 01:04:59,790
- Still lives?
- Yeah. Still lives.

1199
01:04:59,916 --> 01:05:01,207
You mean he's not dead?

1200
01:05:01,958 --> 01:05:03,082
You catch on quick.

1201
01:05:03,208 --> 01:05:04,665
But I don't understand.

1202
01:05:04,791 --> 01:05:07,915
You said you were going
to get rid of him and be emperor yourself.

1203
01:05:08,041 --> 01:05:11,374
I know I did, but the plot went wrong.
You can't get a coconut ever time.

1204
01:05:11,500 --> 01:05:16,999
Oh. What a shame. I was so
looking forward to cementing our alliance.

1205
01:05:17,125 --> 01:05:20,874
There'll be plenty of time
to think about that sort of thing later.

1206
01:05:21,000 --> 01:05:24,165
Right now, we've got to think what to do
about Caesar. He'll be here any minute.

1207
01:05:30,833 --> 01:05:33,957
A fine way for an emperor to arrive,
I must say.

1208
01:05:34,083 --> 01:05:36,999
- Slogging through half a mile of sand.
- Yes?

1209
01:05:37,125 --> 01:05:39,707
Good morning.
My name is Julius Caesar.

1210
01:05:39,833 --> 01:05:41,665
I represent the Roman Empire.

1211
01:05:41,791 --> 01:05:43,457
No, thanks. Not today.

1212
01:05:43,583 --> 01:05:45,665
Well, really!

1213
01:05:46,708 --> 01:05:49,540
Who does he think he is? Cheek!

1214
01:05:54,708 --> 01:05:56,457
Think. Think.

1215
01:05:56,583 --> 01:05:58,915
There must be some way
we can get rid of him.

1216
01:05:59,041 --> 01:06:02,082
- I have a poisonous asp.
- Oh, I wouldn't say that.

1217
01:06:02,208 --> 01:06:04,249
Oh, no, no, no, no. I have. Look.

1218
01:06:07,666 --> 01:06:09,915
One bite from this is enough.

1219
01:06:12,875 --> 01:06:15,165
You're right.

1220
01:06:15,291 --> 01:06:16,915
One bite's enough for anyone.
That's shocking.

1221
01:06:17,041 --> 01:06:19,415
No, no, no, no. lt is supposed to bite you.

1222
01:06:19,541 --> 01:06:21,499
(Knocking)
Yes?

1223
01:06:23,125 --> 01:06:26,207
Julius Caesar and his party have arrived,
Your Majesty.

1224
01:06:26,333 --> 01:06:31,082
He assures you of his good will,
and sends this slave girI as a token.

1225
01:06:31,208 --> 01:06:35,082
Take them to my guest apartments,
Archimedes, and ask them to wait.

1226
01:06:35,208 --> 01:06:37,249
Oh, and send the girI to my bedchamber.

1227
01:06:43,041 --> 01:06:44,832
Well, what do we do now, then?

1228
01:06:44,958 --> 01:06:46,874
- Bedchamber. That's it.
- What's it?

1229
01:06:47,000 --> 01:06:50,207
Quiet. Here. Bangers, Sausages,
whatever your name is.

1230
01:06:50,333 --> 01:06:52,790
Go to Caesar,
tell him that your queen will meet him

1231
01:06:52,916 --> 01:06:56,624
in her private apartments first crow
of the cock tonight, understand?

1232
01:06:59,666 --> 01:07:01,040
What is going on?

1233
01:07:01,166 --> 01:07:04,040
I can't do a thing
untiI I get him away from that bodyguard

1234
01:07:04,166 --> 01:07:05,165
and that's where you come in.

1235
01:07:05,291 --> 01:07:06,249
Where have I been to?

1236
01:07:06,375 --> 01:07:08,415
You haven't been anywhere. You're there.

1237
01:07:08,541 --> 01:07:12,749
Tr using your nut for a change.
All you've got to do is get Caesar alone.

1238
01:07:12,875 --> 01:07:15,249
Oh, that's what he's come for,
money.

1239
01:07:15,375 --> 01:07:17,790
Alone! On his tod! By himself!

1240
01:07:17,916 --> 01:07:19,582
Oh. You should have said.

1241
01:07:19,708 --> 01:07:24,082
Just get him into your bedchamber.
I'll be waiting there, and then we'll do it!

1242
01:07:24,208 --> 01:07:25,415
Do what?

1243
01:07:25,541 --> 01:07:28,374
Oh, blimey. There must be
an easier way to make a killing.

1244
01:07:30,750 --> 01:07:32,040
(Knocking)

1245
01:07:32,166 --> 01:07:33,957
That'll be Cleopatra.

1246
01:07:34,083 --> 01:07:36,040
- Shall I let her in?
- Just a minute.

1247
01:07:36,166 --> 01:07:39,165
Give me a chance to... look all sexy.

1248
01:07:43,583 --> 01:07:44,874
Come in.

1249
01:07:48,416 --> 01:07:51,082
- ls that her?
- Of course not.

1250
01:07:51,208 --> 01:07:54,249
What is it, my good man?
You have some message for me?

1251
01:07:55,458 --> 01:07:57,249
Well, speak up.
Have you lost your tongue?

1252
01:07:58,166 --> 01:08:01,499
Oh, well, never mind.
You could lose worse things than that.

1253
01:08:01,625 --> 01:08:04,957
I know a bit about sign language.
Let me tell him.

1254
01:08:05,916 --> 01:08:10,165
Now, look here, my good man,
that is Caesar. You know?

1255
01:08:10,291 --> 01:08:12,457
And he wants an alliance...

1256
01:08:13,083 --> 01:08:15,082
... with Cleopatra.

1257
01:08:15,666 --> 01:08:17,290
(Grunts)

1258
01:08:20,916 --> 01:08:22,874
Never mind all the maps.

1259
01:08:23,000 --> 01:08:24,999
When do we meet her? When?

1260
01:08:25,125 --> 01:08:27,332
(Grunts)

1261
01:08:27,458 --> 01:08:31,249
- He's going to lay an egg.
- No, no, no. He means at cockcrow.

1262
01:08:31,375 --> 01:08:34,165
What cock?
The morning one or the evening one?

1263
01:08:34,291 --> 01:08:35,999
Evening cock.

1264
01:08:36,125 --> 01:08:37,874
Thanks, cock. I'll be ready.

1265
01:08:38,666 --> 01:08:40,415
Oh, and by the way,

1266
01:08:40,541 --> 01:08:43,124
tell her I'll be bringing my bodyguard
with me.

1267
01:08:43,833 --> 01:08:45,499
There will be two of us.

1268
01:08:45,625 --> 01:08:47,665
You understand? Two.

1269
01:08:53,958 --> 01:08:55,915
What's happening?
Put me down. Hengist!

1270
01:08:56,041 --> 01:08:58,165
That's enough of that. Drop it. Drop!

1271
01:09:01,125 --> 01:09:03,499
That's better.
You want to watch it, mate.

1272
01:09:13,458 --> 01:09:16,249
I suppose it's his way of saying,
"get knotted"!

1273
01:09:16,833 --> 01:09:18,957
- Now, tell me again.
- Just listen this time.

1274
01:09:19,083 --> 01:09:22,249
Now, listen. You lure Caesar
into your bedchamber, right?

1275
01:09:22,375 --> 01:09:24,332
- Yes.
- I'm hidden there beforehand, right?

1276
01:09:24,458 --> 01:09:26,832
- Yes.
- Then I run him through. You got it now?

1277
01:09:26,958 --> 01:09:29,040
- No.
- Oh, strewth!

1278
01:09:29,166 --> 01:09:32,874
- Suppose he doesn't want to be lured?
- He will if you get him in the right mood.

1279
01:09:33,000 --> 01:09:35,207
I know. I'll give him a love philtre.

1280
01:09:35,333 --> 01:09:37,332
- A what?
- A love philtre.

1281
01:09:37,458 --> 01:09:39,165
Oh, is that what you do out here?
You filter it?

1282
01:09:39,291 --> 01:09:41,332
Oh, no, no, no. This stuff.

1283
01:09:41,458 --> 01:09:43,165
You put a bit of it in their wine,

1284
01:09:43,291 --> 01:09:45,832
and then they get all sort of...
well, you know.

1285
01:09:47,291 --> 01:09:50,415
Oh, yes. I come across some of this
in Spain once.

1286
01:09:52,333 --> 01:09:54,040
How long before your next bath?

1287
01:09:54,166 --> 01:09:57,040
Oh, not till this evening.
(Cackles)

1288
01:09:57,166 --> 01:09:58,457
Cheers.

1289
01:09:59,833 --> 01:10:01,874
I usually have the blow wave.

1290
01:10:02,000 --> 01:10:03,665
Yes, well, I'm no good at that, sir.

1291
01:10:03,791 --> 01:10:06,165
But I know where I am with an iron.

1292
01:10:06,291 --> 01:10:08,290
Be carefuI you don't singe me.

1293
01:10:08,416 --> 01:10:12,082
There's nothing more off-putting in affairs
of these sorts than the smell of burning.

1294
01:10:12,208 --> 01:10:14,749
(As woman)
"I can smell something burning!

1295
01:10:14,875 --> 01:10:16,249
"Darling, go down and see what it is."

1296
01:10:17,166 --> 01:10:20,707
- Spoils everything.
- Yes, sir.

1297
01:10:20,833 --> 01:10:22,749
What is it?

1298
01:10:22,875 --> 01:10:26,582
Beware... the ides of March!

1299
01:10:26,708 --> 01:10:28,749
Oh, dear, he's back.
Where have you been?

1300
01:10:28,875 --> 01:10:31,165
The time has come.

1301
01:10:31,291 --> 01:10:34,249
I've seen the writing on the wall.

1302
01:10:34,375 --> 01:10:36,665
Oh, so that's where you've been.

1303
01:10:39,458 --> 01:10:42,832
Look what I've found in the market place.

1304
01:10:42,958 --> 01:10:44,540
Good gracious. What is it?

1305
01:10:45,041 --> 01:10:47,707
He can see into the future.

1306
01:10:47,833 --> 01:10:51,582
Go on, then. You wait untiI you hear
what he's got to say.

1307
01:10:51,708 --> 01:10:53,790
Sooth! Sooth!

1308
01:10:53,916 --> 01:10:55,874
You see? He's a soothsayer.

1309
01:10:56,750 --> 01:10:59,165
Sooth. Sooth.

1310
01:10:59,291 --> 01:11:03,165
- Now tell them what you told me.
- There is death this night.

1311
01:11:03,291 --> 01:11:05,457
I have seen it in the fire.

1312
01:11:05,583 --> 01:11:08,624
- What fire?
- Gather round and have a butcher's.

1313
01:11:10,916 --> 01:11:15,999
I will see whether the goddess
will grant us a further vision.

1314
01:11:18,250 --> 01:11:20,707
O, lsis,

1315
01:11:20,833 --> 01:11:22,082
sweet lsis...

1316
01:11:22,208 --> 01:11:23,540
They're lovely!

1317
01:11:23,666 --> 01:11:26,082
I'm ver sorry, sir.
It's an old British saying.

1318
01:11:27,250 --> 01:11:29,540
Sweet lsis!

1319
01:11:29,666 --> 01:11:31,790
Grant us a vision,

1320
01:11:31,916 --> 01:11:33,582
we beseech you.

1321
01:11:34,875 --> 01:11:36,040
There!

1322
01:11:37,166 --> 01:11:39,124
Look. A picture is forming.

1323
01:11:39,250 --> 01:11:41,249
A vision.

1324
01:11:41,375 --> 01:11:45,874
(Seneca) Cor! Cor!
Now, that's what I call a vision!

1325
01:11:46,000 --> 01:11:48,790
- Who is she?
- (Soothsayer) Queen Cleopatra.

1326
01:11:48,916 --> 01:11:53,165
She is preparing herself
for a most important meeting.

1327
01:11:53,291 --> 01:11:55,290
(Caesar) That will be the one with me!

1328
01:11:55,416 --> 01:11:59,915
(Soothsayer) Now it is time for her
to get dressed.

1329
01:12:00,041 --> 01:12:02,165
(Caesar) She needn't bother.

1330
01:12:02,291 --> 01:12:04,665
(Soothsayer)
Oh, she's about to step out of her bath!

1331
01:12:04,791 --> 01:12:06,665
It's gone. What's happened?

1332
01:12:06,791 --> 01:12:09,957
lt always happens
in the most interesting parts.

1333
01:12:10,083 --> 01:12:13,082
Well, don't just stand there,
do something. Get it back again.

1334
01:12:13,208 --> 01:12:15,290
Sure. I'll have a go.

1335
01:12:17,125 --> 01:12:19,082
(Gibberish)

1336
01:12:20,708 --> 01:12:22,332
Oh, look there! Look.

1337
01:12:22,458 --> 01:12:24,957
Something's starting.
Something's forming.

1338
01:12:25,083 --> 01:12:26,165
Where?

1339
01:12:26,291 --> 01:12:30,957
lt is later.
I see Queen Cleopatra's apartment.

1340
01:12:31,083 --> 01:12:32,832
It's all bare!

1341
01:12:32,958 --> 01:12:34,457
That's more like it.

1342
01:12:35,125 --> 01:12:39,499
(Soothsayer) lt is prepared
for feasting and merrmaking.

1343
01:12:40,375 --> 01:12:43,290
And now, two men are entering.

1344
01:12:43,833 --> 01:12:45,374
Look!

1345
01:12:45,500 --> 01:12:47,915
(Caesar) It's me!
(Hengist) And me.

1346
01:12:48,750 --> 01:12:50,832
(Caesar) Just look at me.

1347
01:12:50,958 --> 01:12:53,665
The poor girI doesn't stand a chance.

1348
01:12:53,791 --> 01:12:55,790
(Soothsayer)
There is a fanfare of trumpets.

1349
01:12:55,916 --> 01:12:57,874
? Fanfare

1350
01:12:58,541 --> 01:13:01,957
And Queen Cleopatra is brought in.

1351
01:13:03,791 --> 01:13:06,832
Wait a minute. What's all this?
Where's Cleopatra?

1352
01:13:07,958 --> 01:13:10,249
Oh, in the carpet? All right.

1353
01:13:10,375 --> 01:13:12,249
Beat it.

1354
01:13:12,375 --> 01:13:14,540
Hengist, give me your sword, please.

1355
01:13:16,416 --> 01:13:17,999
Thank you.

1356
01:13:18,125 --> 01:13:20,999
Now, stand by that door
and see that we are not disturbed.

1357
01:13:40,333 --> 01:13:42,999
A magnificent entrance, my dear.

1358
01:13:43,125 --> 01:13:45,457
And worthy of a great queen.

1359
01:13:45,583 --> 01:13:47,457
Oh, it's just practice.

1360
01:13:47,583 --> 01:13:51,165
- So you are the great Caesar?
- Aha! You recognised me.

1361
01:13:51,291 --> 01:13:53,707
I have seen your bust.

1362
01:13:53,833 --> 01:13:56,040
I wish I could say the same.

1363
01:13:56,166 --> 01:13:58,915
- Dost thou like what thou seest?
- I certainly doth.

1364
01:13:59,041 --> 01:14:02,249
Tony was right. You are lovely.
I am enamoured.

1365
01:14:02,375 --> 01:14:05,082
I shall divorce Calpurnia and marr you.

1366
01:14:05,208 --> 01:14:09,249
I shall be a great emperor.
You will be a great queen.

1367
01:14:09,375 --> 01:14:12,874
Together we shall rule the world.
Any questions?

1368
01:14:13,000 --> 01:14:15,832
Just one.
Aren't we going to cement our alliance?

1369
01:14:15,958 --> 01:14:18,832
Of course.
I've brought along a clean trowel!

1370
01:14:18,958 --> 01:14:20,999
Oh, no, no, no. Not here.

1371
01:14:21,125 --> 01:14:23,749
Come to my room alone in one moment.

1372
01:14:28,000 --> 01:14:29,999
You're not going in there alone, sir?

1373
01:14:30,125 --> 01:14:33,124
Yes, it's perfectly all right.
Nothing is gonna happen.

1374
01:14:33,250 --> 01:14:36,415
- What are you going in for?
- Oh, peasant!

1375
01:14:38,666 --> 01:14:41,165
Come, Caesar. Sit beside me.

1376
01:14:53,291 --> 01:14:56,457
It's gone again. What's the matter
with the wretched thing?

1377
01:14:56,583 --> 01:14:58,207
The fire's dying.

1378
01:14:58,333 --> 01:15:01,207
Absolutely sickening.
We're missing all the best bits.

1379
01:15:01,333 --> 01:15:05,624
Wait. Look there!
Look, it's started again. I see something.

1380
01:15:08,791 --> 01:15:12,165
(Caesar) What's happened?
Where have we gone?

1381
01:15:13,250 --> 01:15:15,790
ls this a dagger that I see before me?

1382
01:15:17,583 --> 01:15:19,665
lt is... Argh!

1383
01:15:26,583 --> 01:15:28,665
(Groans)

1384
01:15:30,083 --> 01:15:32,332
(Narrator) 'Caesar hadn't had
such a pain in the stomach

1385
01:15:32,458 --> 01:15:34,707
'since the day the imperiaI cook
put a mustard plaster

1386
01:15:34,833 --> 01:15:36,499
'on his lobster thermidor.

1387
01:15:36,625 --> 01:15:38,374
'But all was not yet lost.

1388
01:15:38,500 --> 01:15:41,415
'Horsa and the other galley slaves
had escaped from the galley,

1389
01:15:41,541 --> 01:15:46,290
'and swum safely to shore, after beating
off repeated attacks of cramp and crabs,

1390
01:15:46,416 --> 01:15:49,415
'and made their way
over the desert towards the great city,

1391
01:15:49,541 --> 01:15:51,874
'guided by the smell of the drains.'

1392
01:15:52,000 --> 01:15:55,374
- I thought so. Nile water.
- Hey, look over there.

1393
01:15:55,500 --> 01:15:56,874
Cleopatra's palace.

1394
01:15:57,000 --> 01:15:59,707
Yes. And a galley waiting for us, eh?

1395
01:15:59,833 --> 01:16:03,624
We'll rest here till it gets dark, men,
then we'll swim across, find some food,

1396
01:16:03,750 --> 01:16:06,332
and it's back home to Britain. Ha ha ha!

1397
01:16:08,041 --> 01:16:09,249
Where am l?

1398
01:16:09,375 --> 01:16:11,332
He's coming to.
Hurr up with that water.

1399
01:16:11,458 --> 01:16:13,999
- I'm trying to find a clean pitcher.
- Forget it.

1400
01:16:14,125 --> 01:16:18,207
Tr and remember you're in Egypt.
They only have dirty pitchers here.

1401
01:16:21,041 --> 01:16:22,499
What's that?

1402
01:16:22,625 --> 01:16:24,874
"King Tutankhamen's ashes!"

1403
01:16:25,000 --> 01:16:25,999
Oh!

1404
01:16:26,125 --> 01:16:28,749
The ashes! Now I remember!

1405
01:16:28,875 --> 01:16:30,749
The pictures in the fire!

1406
01:16:32,666 --> 01:16:35,957
Aha! Tonight's the night, eh?

1407
01:16:37,708 --> 01:16:39,415
What's the matter?
Don't you want to meet her?

1408
01:16:39,541 --> 01:16:42,832
Tony, I am undone. My end is in sight.

1409
01:16:42,958 --> 01:16:46,374
You'd better do yourself up again quick.
What's the matter with him?

1410
01:16:46,500 --> 01:16:48,915
We've seen visions.
Oh, they were lovely.

1411
01:16:49,041 --> 01:16:50,040
Visions? What visions?

1412
01:16:50,166 --> 01:16:54,374
Me lying on the floor of the bedchamber
with a dagger in my vitals.

1413
01:16:54,500 --> 01:16:57,457
Yes, that one was quite good,
but I preferred the one of her in her bath.

1414
01:16:57,583 --> 01:17:01,457
Don't pay too much attention to visions.
They get distorted and out of proportion.

1415
01:17:01,583 --> 01:17:03,999
You're quite right.
She was a bit much here and there.

1416
01:17:04,125 --> 01:17:06,749
I wish you wouldn't
keep talking about her in the bath.

1417
01:17:06,875 --> 01:17:11,040
This is serious.
I'm about to be treacherously slain.

1418
01:17:11,166 --> 01:17:14,582
Julie, Julie!
Why should she wanna slay you?

1419
01:17:14,708 --> 01:17:16,624
I just spent the afternoon with her,

1420
01:17:16,750 --> 01:17:19,832
and all she did was talk about the kick
she's gonna from of meeting you at last.

1421
01:17:19,958 --> 01:17:23,957
I daresay, but I think we should forget
the whole thing and go home, don't you?

1422
01:17:24,083 --> 01:17:28,165
What? And have all Rome know
that Caesar ran from a mere woman?

1423
01:17:28,291 --> 01:17:29,499
That would finish you.

1424
01:17:29,625 --> 01:17:32,415
You're right.
You promised them an alliance.

1425
01:17:32,541 --> 01:17:35,749
You're the only bloke who can get it.
Just relax and enjoy your work.

1426
01:17:35,875 --> 01:17:39,582
Will you go with me when I meet her,
Tony? You're my friend. You are!

1427
01:17:39,708 --> 01:17:42,082
Julie, of course I'm your friend.

1428
01:17:42,208 --> 01:17:43,832
But I can't come with you right now.

1429
01:17:43,958 --> 01:17:47,165
There's a young lady I met here last time.
Daughter of a sheik.

1430
01:17:47,291 --> 01:17:50,457
Arab, eh?
I believe they are intense lovers.

1431
01:17:50,583 --> 01:17:53,457
Well, naturally,
they do everything in tents!

1432
01:17:53,583 --> 01:17:55,040
(Laughs raucously)

1433
01:17:57,458 --> 01:17:58,624
Tents!

1434
01:17:58,750 --> 01:18:01,957
I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

1435
01:18:02,083 --> 01:18:04,624
No. You're quite right.
Tents are too draughty.

1436
01:18:04,750 --> 01:18:07,249
I wish you'd stick to the point.

1437
01:18:07,375 --> 01:18:11,207
lf only that vision
hadn't broken down halfway!

1438
01:18:11,333 --> 01:18:16,790
I want to know what happened between
me kissing her and me lying on the floor.

1439
01:18:16,916 --> 01:18:19,749
Wait a minute. Cleopatra doesn't know
what you look like, does she?

1440
01:18:19,875 --> 01:18:21,457
No. We've never met. Why?

1441
01:18:21,583 --> 01:18:23,790
Supposing someone pretended
to be you.

1442
01:18:23,916 --> 01:18:27,707
Someone
who's strong and handsome and vital.

1443
01:18:27,833 --> 01:18:29,374
What a good idea!

1444
01:18:29,500 --> 01:18:31,582
I've found something.

1445
01:18:32,666 --> 01:18:35,082
Here we are.
This is a ver strong liquor called arak,

1446
01:18:35,208 --> 01:18:36,999
makes you feeI a different person.

1447
01:18:37,125 --> 01:18:40,749
Good. Then you'd better drink it!

1448
01:18:41,208 --> 01:18:43,957
(Narrator) 'The stage was set.
The plot was murder.

1449
01:18:44,083 --> 01:18:49,290
'And with the dying sun,
came the sound of the evening cockcrow.

1450
01:18:49,416 --> 01:18:50,540
'He's late.'

1451
01:18:50,666 --> 01:18:52,415
(Cock crows)

1452
01:18:52,541 --> 01:18:54,499
'Thank you.

1453
01:18:54,625 --> 01:18:57,957
'Remember,
Mark Antony was Caesar's friend.

1454
01:18:58,083 --> 01:19:00,290
'So, out of the kindness of his heart,

1455
01:19:00,416 --> 01:19:03,665
'he was determined not to tickle him
with a jagged edge.'

1456
01:19:07,041 --> 01:19:08,832
Right. Here goes.

1457
01:19:24,000 --> 01:19:26,582
There's hospitality for you.

1458
01:19:26,708 --> 01:19:28,749
Tell the others to come on up.

1459
01:19:39,666 --> 01:19:41,290
- You!
- Horsa!

1460
01:19:41,416 --> 01:19:42,749
Gloria!

1461
01:19:46,458 --> 01:19:48,707
Oh, am I dreaming? ls it really you?

1462
01:19:48,833 --> 01:19:51,665
I never thought...
I never thought I'd see you again.

1463
01:19:51,791 --> 01:19:52,957
I searched for you all over Britain.

1464
01:19:53,083 --> 01:19:55,332
I can hardly believe that you...

1465
01:19:55,458 --> 01:19:57,457
Argh!

1466
01:19:57,583 --> 01:20:00,290
It's all right. They're friends of mine.
Help yourselves.

1467
01:20:04,250 --> 01:20:05,957
Come on.

1468
01:20:08,166 --> 01:20:09,999
There's no time to explain now.

1469
01:20:10,125 --> 01:20:11,665
We have a galley below here.

1470
01:20:11,791 --> 01:20:15,374
Climb down to it and wait for us.
All right, love? Off you go.

1471
01:20:17,916 --> 01:20:19,457
Seth, guard the door.

1472
01:20:23,416 --> 01:20:25,999
Right, lads, let's get as much of this stuff
as we can into the galley.

1473
01:20:26,583 --> 01:20:29,707
- Quick. Someone's coming.
- There's no time to get back. Follow me.

1474
01:20:32,791 --> 01:20:34,665
What the...?

1475
01:20:38,958 --> 01:20:40,999
ln here, gentlemen, please.

1476
01:20:41,125 --> 01:20:43,415
Her Majesty will be with you
in just one moment.

1477
01:20:43,541 --> 01:20:46,332
- Thank you.
- Oh, no. Not you. Out.

1478
01:20:46,458 --> 01:20:48,374
Oh, can't I stay and watch?

1479
01:20:48,500 --> 01:20:51,124
No, you can't, you dirty old sage.

1480
01:20:51,250 --> 01:20:53,332
Go on. Out.

1481
01:20:53,458 --> 01:20:55,582
Now, for heaven's sake, relax.

1482
01:20:56,708 --> 01:20:58,290
Stop playing with your thing.

1483
01:20:58,416 --> 01:21:01,165
I can't relax.
I'm not used to this sort of thing.

1484
01:21:01,291 --> 01:21:04,207
- What sort of thing?
- Oh, you know.

1485
01:21:04,333 --> 01:21:05,749
Making passionate love and all that.

1486
01:21:05,875 --> 01:21:08,957
What? But you've been married
for ten years.

1487
01:21:09,083 --> 01:21:11,165
That's what I mean. I'm not used to it.

1488
01:21:11,291 --> 01:21:14,207
Oh, for Jupiter's sake,
it's not as difficult as that.

1489
01:21:14,333 --> 01:21:16,874
You saw the visions.
You saw how I did it.

1490
01:21:17,000 --> 01:21:19,290
And I saw what happened to you, too.

1491
01:21:19,416 --> 01:21:23,207
You needn't worr. That won't happen
to you. You are impregnable.

1492
01:21:23,333 --> 01:21:25,790
Oh, please.
I've explained about that once.

1493
01:21:25,916 --> 01:21:27,540
Come on.

1494
01:21:37,708 --> 01:21:39,040
What are you doing?

1495
01:21:39,166 --> 01:21:41,915
Making sure she hasn't got a dagger
hidden in the bed.

1496
01:21:42,916 --> 01:21:44,707
Come on. Help me!

1497
01:21:44,833 --> 01:21:46,832
(Metallic pop)

1498
01:21:47,833 --> 01:21:49,540
There's something under the bed.

1499
01:21:49,666 --> 01:21:51,499
It's all right. lt won't be in that.

1500
01:21:51,625 --> 01:21:52,915
Come on.

1501
01:22:10,000 --> 01:22:12,832
There's no dagger there,
so stop worring.

1502
01:22:14,375 --> 01:22:16,665
Hey. That wasn't there before.

1503
01:22:16,791 --> 01:22:18,374
- What?
- That.

1504
01:22:18,500 --> 01:22:21,540
Oh, it must have been.
Don't be so nervy.

1505
01:22:21,666 --> 01:22:23,249
What you need is a good stiff drink.

1506
01:22:23,375 --> 01:22:24,999
No, thank you. I don't want one.

1507
01:22:30,541 --> 01:22:32,624
Yes, I do.

1508
01:22:41,416 --> 01:22:43,832
Blimey. She must be selling tickets.

1509
01:22:43,958 --> 01:22:46,165
? Fanfare

1510
01:22:46,291 --> 01:22:47,499
That'll be her.

1511
01:22:47,625 --> 01:22:50,082
No. That wasn't a cockcrow,
that was a fanfare.

1512
01:22:50,208 --> 01:22:53,040
It's a fan-tailed cock by now.
Pull yourself together.

1513
01:23:02,333 --> 01:23:05,124
Well, don't just stand there. Open it.

1514
01:23:10,000 --> 01:23:12,415
Go on. Open it.

1515
01:23:19,750 --> 01:23:23,082
Oh, go on. Unroll it.

1516
01:23:36,208 --> 01:23:38,499
Madam! Mate!

1517
01:23:39,416 --> 01:23:40,624
I'm terribly sorry.

1518
01:23:40,750 --> 01:23:45,082
There we are, my dear.
Oh, that's not part of you, is it?

1519
01:23:45,208 --> 01:23:46,290
No.

1520
01:23:46,416 --> 01:23:50,874
The mighty Caesar does not know
his own mighty strength.

1521
01:23:51,000 --> 01:23:52,999
So you are the great Caesar?

1522
01:23:53,125 --> 01:23:56,582
That's right.
No, no, I'm his body belt. Bodyguard.

1523
01:23:56,708 --> 01:24:00,207
- He is Caesar.
- Oh. You do not look like your bust.

1524
01:24:00,333 --> 01:24:02,665
No, he's not.
He's just a bit cracked.

1525
01:24:02,791 --> 01:24:05,999
Dost thou like what thou seest, Caesar?

1526
01:24:06,125 --> 01:24:07,290
Well, go on. Tell her.

1527
01:24:07,416 --> 01:24:09,749
- Hm?
- You know. The speech.

1528
01:24:09,875 --> 01:24:12,957
"Tony was right. You are lovely."

1529
01:24:13,083 --> 01:24:14,874
Tony was right. I'm lovely.

1530
01:24:15,791 --> 01:24:19,415
"I am an emperor.
You will be a great queen."

1531
01:24:19,541 --> 01:24:22,374
You are an emperor.
I'm a great queen.

1532
01:24:22,500 --> 01:24:24,290
Oh!

1533
01:24:24,416 --> 01:24:27,040
No, no, great queen.

1534
01:24:27,166 --> 01:24:31,915
What Caesar is trying to say,
and making a right imperiaI mess of it,

1535
01:24:32,041 --> 01:24:34,332
is that he's completely captivated
by your beauty

1536
01:24:34,458 --> 01:24:37,874
and wishes to form an alliance.

1537
01:24:38,875 --> 01:24:42,707
Oh, yes. Yes.
And all that stuff.

1538
01:24:43,333 --> 01:24:46,499
Well, I do not make alliances in public,
Caesar.

1539
01:24:47,500 --> 01:24:49,165
Well, that's that, then.
I'd better be going.

1540
01:24:50,000 --> 01:24:51,290
Wait a minute. Come back.

1541
01:24:51,416 --> 01:24:54,540
No, you don't understand.
He's a bit shy.

1542
01:24:54,666 --> 01:24:58,707
Oh, is that all?
I've got something that will overcome that.

1543
01:25:08,708 --> 01:25:10,457
What's that?

1544
01:25:10,583 --> 01:25:14,457
lt er... shall we say...
makes one feeI a little more... friendly.

1545
01:25:19,083 --> 01:25:22,415
Drink this,
and come to my room in one minute.

1546
01:25:22,541 --> 01:25:24,124
Alone!

1547
01:25:27,916 --> 01:25:30,040
Go on. Drink it, then.

1548
01:25:43,875 --> 01:25:45,540
Are you there?

1549
01:25:45,666 --> 01:25:47,790
Of course I'm here.
How much longer are you gonna be?

1550
01:25:49,916 --> 01:25:51,790
(Explosion)

1551
01:25:51,916 --> 01:25:53,999
(Explosion reverberates)

1552
01:25:59,166 --> 01:26:02,040
- Has it worked?
- Yeah.

1553
01:26:03,583 --> 01:26:04,624
Give me a kiss.

1554
01:26:04,750 --> 01:26:08,082
No, no, no. Not me.
It's her. It's her.

1555
01:26:08,208 --> 01:26:09,790
That would be a bit better.
Get out of my way.

1556
01:26:09,916 --> 01:26:12,165
Wait a minute. Don't overdo it.
You've got to...

1557
01:26:12,291 --> 01:26:14,374
Don't tell me what to do...

1558
01:26:17,750 --> 01:26:19,374
... pheasant.

1559
01:26:20,541 --> 01:26:22,540
Ah, you feeI better, Caesar?

1560
01:26:22,666 --> 01:26:34,290
Cor!

1561
01:26:34,416 --> 01:26:36,415
I say!

1562
01:26:36,541 --> 01:26:38,499
I must have a drink of that stuff myself!

1563
01:26:40,083 --> 01:26:42,290
Whew! You are better!

1564
01:26:42,416 --> 01:26:43,874
Excuse me. I feeI a bit faint.

1565
01:26:45,708 --> 01:26:46,790
That's better.

1566
01:26:46,916 --> 01:26:50,624
Now, come and sit beside me,
and we'll work out our alliance.

1567
01:27:07,833 --> 01:27:09,915
(Squealing)

1568
01:27:22,375 --> 01:27:23,374
(Both) You!

1569
01:27:23,500 --> 01:27:25,457
You've messed things up once too often!

1570
01:27:25,583 --> 01:27:27,124
Look out, Hengist!

1571
01:27:30,166 --> 01:27:31,999
Horsa! Where have you been?

1572
01:27:32,125 --> 01:27:34,915
There's no time for that now.
To the galley, lads!

1573
01:27:36,833 --> 01:27:38,124
Right. Let's get out of here.

1574
01:27:38,250 --> 01:27:40,124
Sosages! Help!

1575
01:27:40,250 --> 01:27:42,374
Sosages!

1576
01:27:44,750 --> 01:27:46,457
Wait! What about poor old Caesar?

1577
01:27:46,583 --> 01:27:49,290
- Leave him.
- I can't. I'm his bodyguard.

1578
01:27:50,541 --> 01:27:54,207
Did you see? That was Tony in there
waiting for me with a dagger!

1579
01:27:54,333 --> 01:27:56,499
- Never mind that.
- But he was my friend!

1580
01:27:56,625 --> 01:27:58,540
Come on.

1581
01:27:59,416 --> 01:28:01,999
Right, give me your sword.

1582
01:28:02,125 --> 01:28:04,582
No, no, no. Let Hengist. He's best at it.

1583
01:28:04,708 --> 01:28:08,290
What? You've got this all wrong.
lt wasn't me.

1584
01:28:29,833 --> 01:28:31,915
(Hengist whimpers)

1585
01:28:50,500 --> 01:28:52,540
(Hengist shrieks)

1586
01:29:07,541 --> 01:29:09,124
I did it!

1587
01:29:10,875 --> 01:29:12,332
I actually did it!

1588
01:29:14,500 --> 01:29:16,665
Well done. Come on.

1589
01:29:33,750 --> 01:29:36,582
Oh, wait for me! Wait for me!

1590
01:29:36,708 --> 01:29:38,790
Wait for me!

1591
01:29:42,833 --> 01:29:44,999
Argh!

1592
01:29:46,333 --> 01:29:48,040
Who's this?

1593
01:29:50,291 --> 01:29:51,790
Just call me... urn!

1594
01:29:51,916 --> 01:29:55,790
(Narrator) 'So it was that Caesar's life
had been saved for the third time.

1595
01:29:55,916 --> 01:29:58,415
'He was able to saiI home to Europe
from Africa

1596
01:29:58,541 --> 01:30:02,249
'without having been stabbed, poisoned,
choked or married.

1597
01:30:02,375 --> 01:30:05,040
'On the other hand, he now faced
the somewhat tricky task

1598
01:30:05,166 --> 01:30:08,165
'of selling the senate
on the idea of the wind of change.'

1599
01:30:08,291 --> 01:30:11,165
Well, gentlemen, here we are again.

1600
01:30:11,291 --> 01:30:12,790
How are you? Are you all right?

1601
01:30:12,916 --> 01:30:14,999
(Man) Death to Caesar!
(Angr shouting)

1602
01:30:18,208 --> 01:30:21,249
Oh! Hello, hello!

1603
01:30:21,375 --> 01:30:24,415
Do I detect a feeling of animosity here?

1604
01:30:24,541 --> 01:30:27,165
Stabbed... six times!

1605
01:30:27,291 --> 01:30:29,499
Am I to end thus?

1606
01:30:29,625 --> 01:30:31,124
Perforated...

1607
01:30:31,250 --> 01:30:34,415
Oh! Et tu brute!

1608
01:30:36,500 --> 01:30:38,540
So dies Caesar!

1609
01:30:38,666 --> 01:30:42,374
Let me just say these last words to you.

1610
01:30:42,500 --> 01:30:45,540
Friends... Romans...

1611
01:30:45,666 --> 01:30:47,915
- Countrmen!
- I know!

1612
01:30:48,041 --> 01:30:50,290
Oh, what's the use?

1613
01:30:51,500 --> 01:30:53,665
(Narrator) 'Hengist and Horsa
returned to Britain.

1614
01:30:53,791 --> 01:30:57,290
'where Gloria shyly allowed Horsa
to lead her to the altar.

1615
01:31:00,458 --> 01:31:03,207
'Hengist too had been far from idle.

1616
01:31:04,666 --> 01:31:10,165
'TraveI had opened up for him a new life
that was rich and full.'

1617
01:31:10,291 --> 01:31:12,790
Wouldn't you like to come inside
for a bit, darling?

1618
01:31:13,291 --> 01:31:14,457
I might.

1619
01:31:29,666 --> 01:31:31,999
(Eager laughter)

1620
01:31:32,125 --> 01:31:36,624
(Narrator) 'And as for Mark and Cleo,
life was just one long Saturday night.'

1621
01:31:37,916 --> 01:31:41,832
Oh, there you are!
I've been looking for you everywhere.

1622
01:31:41,958 --> 01:31:43,874
(Growls lustily)

1623
01:31:45,000 --> 01:31:46,499
(Roars)