1 00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:03,200 Are you on the booze again? 2 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:05,239 Sure am, Ollie. 3 00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:07,060 What is it this time? 4 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:09,120 Vodka. 5 00:01:09,540 --> 00:01:12,740 I've decided to drink a bottle of vodka every morning until I die. 6 00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:15,560 Which will be about next Wednesday morning. 7 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:17,700 With a bit of luck. 8 00:01:18,860 --> 00:01:21,100 I've booked you an appointment with the doctor. 9 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:22,760 You what? 10 00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:24,240 10 .30. 11 00:01:24,620 --> 00:01:25,619 Forget it. 12 00:01:25,620 --> 00:01:26,620 You're going. 13 00:01:26,700 --> 00:01:27,399 I'm not. 14 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:29,580 You have an abscessed foot that won't heal. 15 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:32,960 You're always thirsty and your waterworks are all over the place. 16 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:34,219 Do you mind? 17 00:01:34,220 --> 00:01:38,900 I hear you in the night, up and down, up and down, tinkle, tinkle, little star. 18 00:01:39,580 --> 00:01:42,000 How dare you monitor my weeing? 19 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:46,740 There's something seriously wrong with you, you silly old bat. 20 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:48,160 Nonsense. 21 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:50,160 I am just getting old. 22 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:54,920 I'm older than you are, and you don't hear me splashing about all night. 23 00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:56,560 great at the quack. No, I'm not. 24 00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,340 Please, for my sake. 25 00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:03,020 I can't sleep with you rattling the plumbing every ten minutes. 26 00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:05,000 I don't like our doctor. 27 00:02:05,300 --> 00:02:07,680 That's all right. He doesn't like you either. 28 00:02:08,900 --> 00:02:09,900 I'm not going. 29 00:02:13,340 --> 00:02:14,720 Lunch at the Royal? 30 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:21,140 Don't be mean. Our own private room with the sweets, Charlie. 31 00:02:21,460 --> 00:02:22,460 Oh, go away. 32 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:23,960 Back Forest Gatto. 33 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:26,180 Dripping profiterole. 34 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:27,480 Don't! 35 00:02:27,990 --> 00:02:33,070 followed by passionate thought -making in a bath full of Zabaglioni. 36 00:02:33,910 --> 00:02:35,670 Oh, God. 37 00:02:38,210 --> 00:02:39,210 I give in. 38 00:02:40,030 --> 00:02:41,850 Take me to your quack. 39 00:02:46,370 --> 00:02:47,610 Are you sure I can't help? 40 00:02:47,990 --> 00:02:52,870 Geoffrey, you have asked me six times if you can help me, and I have told you 41 00:02:52,870 --> 00:02:56,710 six times that I can manage quite well on my own. Thank you. 42 00:02:57,230 --> 00:02:58,230 Oh. 43 00:02:59,210 --> 00:03:01,950 I'll tell you what. Why don't we have a really good time this evening and give 44 00:03:01,950 --> 00:03:02,950 Volvo a polish? 45 00:03:03,090 --> 00:03:05,710 I don't think I could stand the excitement. 46 00:03:06,310 --> 00:03:10,530 Have I done something to upset you, Jane? You have broken half his nose. 47 00:03:10,810 --> 00:03:14,890 He slept with my wife. I don't believe that for a minute. 48 00:03:15,150 --> 00:03:17,150 He had Marion's teeth marks in his neck. 49 00:03:17,450 --> 00:03:19,570 They were self -inflicted. 50 00:03:20,130 --> 00:03:22,590 You can't bite yourself in the neck. Look. 51 00:03:24,910 --> 00:03:26,030 See, it's impossible. 52 00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:31,360 do a thingy with Marion, and I'm not saying he did. 53 00:03:31,620 --> 00:03:34,900 It was just his way of trying to win me back. 54 00:03:35,420 --> 00:03:38,440 Oh, I see. He was trying to woo you by sleeping with my wife. 55 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:40,000 Uh, yes. 56 00:03:40,660 --> 00:03:43,600 Sometimes I get a bit fed up with everybody sleeping with my wife. They 57 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:44,600 consult me first. 58 00:03:46,020 --> 00:03:48,700 Sometimes I feel a bit left out. I mean, I am her husband. 59 00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:52,640 Well, why don't you keep her locked up in a lead -lined book? 60 00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:58,040 Harvey won you back? 61 00:03:58,220 --> 00:03:59,420 None of your business. 62 00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:00,920 Well, what about us? 63 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:03,060 There never was an us, Geoffrey. 64 00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:05,120 You are a married man. 65 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:06,860 But I'm getting a divorce. 66 00:04:07,420 --> 00:04:08,940 There's no such thing as divorce. 67 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:14,160 Once you have made your vows, that's it. Forever and ever. Amen. 68 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:21,920 Marion is your wife, and I suggest you go straight back to her and nail the 69 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:22,920 to the floor. 70 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:32,480 Excuse me, God, why did you make all women strange? 71 00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:39,900 And some stranger than others, and some stranger than those. And finally, with 72 00:04:39,900 --> 00:04:44,720 all the really strange bits that you had left over, why did you use them to make 73 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:45,720 the women in my life? 74 00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:48,460 Hey, tell me. 75 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:50,340 I need an answer. 76 00:04:52,140 --> 00:04:53,300 A postcard will do. 77 00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:58,340 Ow! The foot hurts, does it? No, no. 78 00:04:58,990 --> 00:05:01,090 all. I was just saying ow for the sheer hell of it. 79 00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:04,570 Where is the usual doctor? 80 00:05:04,850 --> 00:05:05,850 He's on holiday. 81 00:05:06,070 --> 00:05:07,190 Oh, yes, that's typical. 82 00:05:07,510 --> 00:05:11,270 Slightest suspicion of a chill and then off to Barbados, burning money and 83 00:05:11,270 --> 00:05:13,250 bouncing up and down with some blonde bimbo. 84 00:05:13,590 --> 00:05:17,270 Of Wales, with his mother. 85 00:05:17,950 --> 00:05:18,950 Same thing. 86 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:28,440 don't think that would be necessary. 87 00:05:29,180 --> 00:05:31,160 I've got a pretty good idea of what's wrong with you. 88 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:32,720 Barbed wire knickers. 89 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:39,840 I thought you said barbed wire knickers. 90 00:05:42,260 --> 00:05:48,780 So, oh, in the immortal words of the late, great Bugs Bunny, 91 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:49,960 what's up, darling? 92 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,200 Have you been having eyesight problems lately? 93 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:56,420 Look, we're talking about my foot and my water work. 94 00:05:56,960 --> 00:06:00,180 I don't see through my feet or through my butt. You've got an appointment with 95 00:06:00,180 --> 00:06:01,960 the optician next week. Oh, well. 96 00:06:02,260 --> 00:06:03,600 Might as well cancel it. 97 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:08,100 What? You mean I'm not going to make it through until next week? Oh, my God. 98 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,900 I meant your present condition is probably affecting your eyesight. 99 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:13,900 So what is it? 100 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:16,200 You're tired. 101 00:06:16,500 --> 00:06:20,280 You have urinary problems. You're forever thirsty. And you have an 102 00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:21,280 condition on your foot. 103 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:24,240 I know. I've just told you that. 104 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:26,280 Now, you tell me something. 105 00:06:26,890 --> 00:06:29,190 And you're suffering from slightly blurred vision. 106 00:06:29,510 --> 00:06:31,930 Well, what have I got, for God's sake? 107 00:06:32,310 --> 00:06:33,690 This is like a panel game. 108 00:06:34,470 --> 00:06:37,390 What's my disease? Do you have a mystery guest? 109 00:06:37,930 --> 00:06:38,930 Doctor, 110 00:06:40,530 --> 00:06:43,970 I think you have maturity -onset diabetes. 111 00:06:44,990 --> 00:06:47,430 Diabetes? Well, that's too much sugar. 112 00:06:47,790 --> 00:06:48,890 That sort of thing. 113 00:06:49,490 --> 00:06:51,430 Insulin production gone a bit haywire. 114 00:06:51,970 --> 00:06:53,890 I want you to see a specialist. 115 00:06:54,230 --> 00:06:55,850 Meanwhile, here's a diet sheet. 116 00:06:56,970 --> 00:06:59,350 And I'll prescribe you some pills to tide you over. 117 00:07:01,150 --> 00:07:04,310 Does this mean I can't have sex in a bath of Zabaglione? 118 00:07:08,630 --> 00:07:12,650 Mr. Baines, we regret to inform you that your application for membership of the 119 00:07:12,650 --> 00:07:15,270 Chorley Golf Club has been turned down. 120 00:07:15,590 --> 00:07:18,050 And this is the seventh time you have been rejected. 121 00:07:18,370 --> 00:07:23,090 We request that you do not attempt to apply again before the year 2044. 122 00:07:25,130 --> 00:07:26,830 What do you suppose this means, Jane? 123 00:07:27,090 --> 00:07:29,730 It means that you can't apply for 50 years. 124 00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:33,130 They're saying, try again when you're 90. 125 00:07:33,410 --> 00:07:36,250 Oh. Well, at least they haven't turned me down flat. 126 00:07:36,970 --> 00:07:41,650 No, they're obviously dying to have you. I heard on the grapevine it was because 127 00:07:41,650 --> 00:07:42,650 I was a bachelor. 128 00:07:42,710 --> 00:07:48,370 Oh, I heard it was because you were a... Now, what was it? A dreadful little two 129 00:07:48,370 --> 00:07:52,770 -faced Nazi zit who should be buried with a stake through his heart. 130 00:07:56,970 --> 00:07:58,410 Secretary of the golf club. 131 00:07:58,830 --> 00:07:59,729 Not them. 132 00:07:59,730 --> 00:08:04,730 They just couldn't cope with a real live wire. A real live single wire moving in 133 00:08:04,730 --> 00:08:06,090 and stealing all their wives' hearts. 134 00:08:06,350 --> 00:08:08,170 Oh, I expect you're right, Harvey. 135 00:08:08,470 --> 00:08:09,610 So I've worked out a plan, Jane. 136 00:08:09,830 --> 00:08:10,789 Oh, yes? 137 00:08:10,790 --> 00:08:12,310 I'm going to reapply as a married man. 138 00:08:14,090 --> 00:08:15,670 But you're not a married man. 139 00:08:16,030 --> 00:08:17,029 No, but I could be. 140 00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:18,950 How? By getting married, Jane. 141 00:08:20,070 --> 00:08:21,049 Oh, yes? 142 00:08:21,050 --> 00:08:23,410 And who do you think I should marry, Jane? 143 00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:24,950 I don't know. 144 00:08:25,190 --> 00:08:26,190 Oh! 145 00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:31,800 Why don't you pop down the dump and see what discarded sluts you can dig up 146 00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:32,799 there? 147 00:08:33,580 --> 00:08:35,760 Jane! Jane, look at me. 148 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:36,960 I am. 149 00:08:37,159 --> 00:08:40,120 I'm going to reward you today, Jane. I'm going to give you something that you've 150 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,120 been craving ever since you set foot in this place. 151 00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:43,700 A proper week's pay? 152 00:08:44,700 --> 00:08:47,560 I'm going to give you the greatest gift I could bestow on any woman. 153 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:49,280 I'm going to give you... Yeah? 154 00:08:50,460 --> 00:08:51,720 I'm going to give you me. 155 00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:53,560 What? 156 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:57,440 Me, I am giving myself to you, Jane, as your husband. 157 00:08:58,420 --> 00:09:01,480 Oh, Harvey, is this a proposal? 158 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,220 Oh, don't be stupid, Jane. I'm just telling you what's going to happen. 159 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:05,920 Now, what do you say? 160 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:07,480 What do I say? What do you say? 161 00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:11,440 I say, I say no. 162 00:09:11,820 --> 00:09:13,860 Good, then that's all settled. 163 00:09:14,260 --> 00:09:17,360 I shall talk to your grandfather about a suitable dowry. 164 00:09:17,580 --> 00:09:20,700 I dare say that between the two of you, you should be able to scrape up enough 165 00:09:20,700 --> 00:09:22,600 money to give me a decent car for our honeymoon. 166 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:24,620 Or at least my honeymoon. 167 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:27,380 Well, I don't think that both of us could be away from here at the same 168 00:09:27,620 --> 00:09:30,840 So I thought I'd go off to Palm Springs and play a few rounds with Frank. 169 00:09:32,660 --> 00:09:34,060 What did you say? 170 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:35,720 I said no. 171 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:37,040 No? No what? 172 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:41,760 No, thank you. I do not wish to marry you. Yes, you do. No, I don't. Yes, you 173 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:45,180 do. You've been trying to tie me up for donkey's years. That was before. Before 174 00:09:45,180 --> 00:09:46,420 what? Before now. 175 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:51,340 Before I woke up and saw the world in its true light. 176 00:09:56,270 --> 00:09:57,790 Oh, Jane, please don't be tacky. 177 00:09:58,710 --> 00:10:04,790 I might have been left on the shelf, and I might not be quite as sexy as 178 00:10:04,790 --> 00:10:06,150 Michelle Pfeiffer. 179 00:10:07,470 --> 00:10:09,190 It's a silent P, Jane. 180 00:10:09,490 --> 00:10:11,530 Oh, all right, I'll wait till you come back. 181 00:10:14,750 --> 00:10:17,150 Just go on. 182 00:10:17,830 --> 00:10:24,470 But I have discovered of late that I am not totally unattractive. Yes, you are. 183 00:10:27,950 --> 00:10:31,670 You don't mean because that wandering pudding has taken a bit of a shine to 184 00:10:31,670 --> 00:10:33,130 that you now think you're halfway human? 185 00:10:33,490 --> 00:10:35,850 I have discovered a bit of self -respect. 186 00:10:36,290 --> 00:10:40,630 And I certainly wouldn't marry someone who has got to come straight from a 187 00:10:40,630 --> 00:10:44,290 harlot's bed. I have not come straight from Marion's bed. Oh, really? 188 00:10:44,730 --> 00:10:46,310 Oh, I knew it wasn't true. 189 00:10:46,710 --> 00:10:49,590 Oh, tell me it's not true. It isn't true, Jane. 190 00:10:50,470 --> 00:10:52,370 I've been all over the place since then. 191 00:10:52,670 --> 00:10:56,090 Off -licence, chemist, doctors for a rabies shot. 192 00:10:58,090 --> 00:10:59,090 marrying you. 193 00:10:59,470 --> 00:11:02,270 I am marrying someone else. What? Who? 194 00:11:02,910 --> 00:11:05,470 I am taking the veil. Veil? What veil? 195 00:11:05,830 --> 00:11:06,850 The veil of the Lord. 196 00:11:07,530 --> 00:11:09,630 I'm going to be a bride of Christ. 197 00:11:10,110 --> 00:11:12,750 I'm going to become a nun. Don't be so ridiculous. 198 00:11:13,210 --> 00:11:14,730 I can't marry a nun. 199 00:11:16,030 --> 00:11:17,510 Why don't you look on the beach? 200 00:11:18,150 --> 00:11:19,150 Stupid! 201 00:11:19,470 --> 00:11:22,850 I am rejecting you and your offer of marriage. 202 00:11:25,330 --> 00:11:27,310 I don't believe it. She's turned me down. 203 00:11:28,890 --> 00:11:30,810 No -one's ever turned me down. 204 00:11:32,090 --> 00:11:33,090 Oh, yes, they have. 205 00:11:34,770 --> 00:11:36,810 Everyone who was ever any good has turned me down. 206 00:11:38,270 --> 00:11:44,010 Therefore, if Jane has turned me down... My God, but she's a fine woman. 207 00:11:45,910 --> 00:11:48,090 Oh, what did you put in this tea? 208 00:11:48,630 --> 00:11:49,950 Tastes like Nat's widdle. 209 00:11:51,250 --> 00:11:52,270 Artificial sweetener. 210 00:11:52,490 --> 00:11:54,270 Well, I want sugar. You can't have sugar. 211 00:11:54,860 --> 00:11:58,620 Well, get me a cup of gin. It's 10 .30 in the morning and you can't have 212 00:11:58,620 --> 00:11:59,620 anyway. Who says? 213 00:11:59,900 --> 00:12:01,100 It's solid sugar. 214 00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,580 OK. Well, get me a shotgun. 215 00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:07,000 If I can't have a decent cup of tea and I can't have a drink, I want a shotgun. 216 00:12:07,220 --> 00:12:07,979 What for? 217 00:12:07,980 --> 00:12:09,020 To pick my nose with. 218 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:10,800 What do you think? 219 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:12,600 I want to end it all. 220 00:12:12,940 --> 00:12:14,140 Diana, you're being very silly. 221 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:19,420 Why don't you stop all this doom and gloom and not getting out of bed and 222 00:12:19,420 --> 00:12:24,200 up and come outside and smell God's good air and see the glory of his heavens? 223 00:12:24,810 --> 00:12:26,190 Ali bloody Lolia. 224 00:12:27,350 --> 00:12:32,870 Listen, you silly old spongebag. I have got maturity -onset diabetes. 225 00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:36,110 Do you know what that is? It is an old people's disease. 226 00:12:36,470 --> 00:12:38,410 It's the next nail in the coffin. 227 00:12:38,990 --> 00:12:42,150 It's another grey signpost on the way to the graveyard. 228 00:12:42,670 --> 00:12:43,670 Oh, Diana. 229 00:12:43,870 --> 00:12:47,290 Don't you see what's happening to us, Tom? It's creeping up on us. 230 00:12:47,570 --> 00:12:50,950 Your heart, my hips, your prostate, my diabetes. 231 00:12:51,850 --> 00:12:54,350 I mean, what are we waiting for, an embossed invitation? 232 00:12:56,210 --> 00:13:00,630 Can't you hear him? The grim reaper is yelling his message loud and clear. 233 00:13:00,890 --> 00:13:04,150 Come in, you two, your time is up. Moving on. 234 00:13:04,810 --> 00:13:08,050 Next stop, senility, death and oblivion. 235 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,760 I don't think you really see the fun side of this. 236 00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:16,220 Hello there. Anyone home? 237 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:20,340 Here's Jamie. He'll cheer you up. In here, old chum. Do you mind? I'm in bed. 238 00:13:22,340 --> 00:13:24,500 Oh, dear God. 239 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:26,940 I'm obviously too late. 240 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,100 She looks terrible. 241 00:13:29,460 --> 00:13:31,340 It strikes so quickly. 242 00:13:31,900 --> 00:13:33,360 What is it, me old love? 243 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:34,720 Kidney failure? 244 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,000 Oh, Jamie. 245 00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:37,320 Or is it the old gangrene? 246 00:13:38,190 --> 00:13:42,990 The last time I knew someone with diabetes, they started with a gangrene, 247 00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:45,550 they went on to the kidney failure, and then they went blind. 248 00:13:46,650 --> 00:13:49,790 But it was the heart attack that really finished them off. 249 00:13:51,310 --> 00:13:54,770 Anyway, just thought I'd pop in to cheer you up. 250 00:13:58,410 --> 00:14:00,170 This chair is quite unnecessary. 251 00:14:00,610 --> 00:14:04,970 If I'm going to die and go to hell, I'm not bloody well walking there. You're 252 00:14:04,970 --> 00:14:06,650 letting it get out of all proportion. 253 00:14:07,290 --> 00:14:08,290 heard what Jamie said. 254 00:14:08,550 --> 00:14:12,190 Oh, for goodness sake. He was also the man who said that Margaret Thatcher 255 00:14:12,190 --> 00:14:13,190 be Prime Minister. 256 00:14:14,210 --> 00:14:15,370 Tom. What? 257 00:14:15,750 --> 00:14:17,410 Margaret Thatcher was Prime Minister. 258 00:14:17,970 --> 00:14:18,970 Oh, yes. 259 00:14:19,750 --> 00:14:20,750 So she was. 260 00:14:23,250 --> 00:14:24,770 He does know we're here, does he? 261 00:14:24,990 --> 00:14:27,870 I mean, we haven't slipped through into some other dimension and become totally 262 00:14:27,870 --> 00:14:28,870 invisible. 263 00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:32,310 You're going to be all right. Stop fretting. I'm not fretting. 264 00:14:32,810 --> 00:14:35,970 I just don't want to spend my final days being ignored. Oi! 265 00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:41,130 Well, 266 00:14:41,950 --> 00:14:43,770 how long have I got? 267 00:14:44,090 --> 00:14:46,430 Uh, 15, 20 minutes. 268 00:14:47,950 --> 00:14:48,950 Oh. 269 00:14:50,850 --> 00:14:54,430 For goodness sake. He meant for the appointment, not for your knife. 270 00:14:54,950 --> 00:14:55,950 I know that. 271 00:14:56,210 --> 00:14:57,210 I was joking. 272 00:14:57,450 --> 00:14:59,210 You were not. You're terrified. 273 00:14:59,610 --> 00:15:00,610 No, I'm not. 274 00:15:01,730 --> 00:15:03,990 So, how long have I got? 275 00:15:04,450 --> 00:15:05,450 To do what? 276 00:15:05,770 --> 00:15:07,570 But Olivia, fathead, why do you think they're here? 277 00:15:09,870 --> 00:15:11,150 When do I go into the coma? 278 00:15:11,450 --> 00:15:13,290 Miss Trent. And what about the injections? 279 00:15:13,630 --> 00:15:16,290 I mean, diabetics are always spiking themselves up all over the place, aren't 280 00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:17,290 they? 281 00:15:17,670 --> 00:15:22,010 I can't do my own injections. I can't. Anything else but not the needles. 282 00:15:22,290 --> 00:15:26,010 Miss Trent, it's not that sort of diabetes. It's mild diabetes. No 283 00:15:26,810 --> 00:15:29,530 With a bit of luck, we can control it with diet and exercise. 284 00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:33,230 See? Well, you mean I'm not going to go blind or get gangrene? 285 00:15:33,670 --> 00:15:35,150 Old wives' tales, dear. 286 00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:39,000 I don't know what they taught you in your day, but your average Anglo -Saxon 287 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,560 still in the dark ages when it comes to knowledge of modern medicine. 288 00:15:42,460 --> 00:15:45,360 We like to have something to get our knickers in a knot about. 289 00:15:47,220 --> 00:15:50,600 Plenty of that when you've spoken to Eleanor, my lovely dietician. 290 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,500 Believe me, she'll ruin your day. 291 00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:57,620 Of course, there are a lot of things that you would think had no sugar and 292 00:15:57,620 --> 00:15:58,620 very healthy. 293 00:15:58,800 --> 00:15:59,920 You know what this is? 294 00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:03,020 Don't you size suppository? 295 00:16:05,739 --> 00:16:08,420 Bananas are sweet, and so is fruit juice. 296 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:13,360 Mind you, you can have all of these things in small portions, and the same 297 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:16,860 it comes to things with a high fat content. Never mind all that. Let's get 298 00:16:16,860 --> 00:16:17,860 the important stuff. 299 00:16:18,220 --> 00:16:19,220 Booze. 300 00:16:19,860 --> 00:16:21,860 Do you have a drink problem, Miss Trent? 301 00:16:22,460 --> 00:16:23,940 Only when pubs are shut off. 302 00:16:25,460 --> 00:16:26,460 Well, 303 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:32,380 alcohol can increase the problem as it affects the hormones that keep the blood 304 00:16:32,380 --> 00:16:33,380 sugar level up. 305 00:16:33,740 --> 00:16:37,900 But if you just have one gin, with a slimline tonic, and always on a full 306 00:16:37,900 --> 00:16:39,940 stomach, then you shouldn't come to much harm. 307 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:42,100 One nip of gin after dinner? 308 00:16:42,780 --> 00:16:45,560 Oh, boy, I'll really be leaping on the table and flashing me knickers at the 309 00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:46,560 service. 310 00:16:46,740 --> 00:16:49,400 It's not a life of boozing and whoring, you know. 311 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:51,400 What? 312 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,200 Well, give me a few days. 313 00:16:53,660 --> 00:16:54,660 I'll think of something. 314 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:57,280 We'll be all right. 315 00:16:57,900 --> 00:17:00,820 It's just another one of life's little hurdles. 316 00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:03,360 There is, of course, the holistic approach. 317 00:17:04,500 --> 00:17:06,440 What? Self -management. 318 00:17:06,780 --> 00:17:09,380 How do you stand with regard to your own health? 319 00:17:09,819 --> 00:17:12,579 Do you manage it yourself or leave it to others? 320 00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:17,260 What is your health belief model? What is your locus of control? 321 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:20,280 Tell her. 322 00:17:21,319 --> 00:17:25,720 I'm afraid Diana is a bit of a primitive when it comes to any sort of 323 00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:26,720 alternative thinking. 324 00:17:27,300 --> 00:17:28,600 Hippie claptrap. 325 00:17:31,180 --> 00:17:36,320 Fine. But there is one psychological point I would emphasise, and that's 326 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:37,320 control. 327 00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:41,160 Personal rows, confrontations, all that sort of thing must be avoided. 328 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:42,580 No arguments? 329 00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:44,760 That's all right, no problem. 330 00:17:45,220 --> 00:17:49,320 Diana is well known for her sweet temper and her amenable disposition. 331 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,460 He is the world's pole vault champion. 332 00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:58,800 You put me in a bit of a quandary, Geoffrey. I mean, asking me about your 333 00:17:58,800 --> 00:17:59,800 chances with Jane. 334 00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:02,820 I mean, I am Jane's grandfather. 335 00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:06,840 But surely you think I'd be better for her than the idiot Bane. 336 00:18:07,100 --> 00:18:11,860 I think a maggot -ridden dead dog would be better for her than the idiot Bane. 337 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:17,860 But you are a married man, and we are a good Irish Catholic family who believe 338 00:18:17,860 --> 00:18:19,520 in hell and damnation. 339 00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:21,660 But you've been married five times. 340 00:18:22,220 --> 00:18:25,560 Yes, but I've been to confession after every divorce. 341 00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:28,580 So I'm okay. 342 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:33,440 You're not a Catholic, so you'll just be being wicked. 343 00:18:33,700 --> 00:18:35,780 So you also think I should go back to Marion? 344 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,080 She is the mother of your children. 345 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,160 But am I the father of my children? 346 00:18:41,660 --> 00:18:44,700 Ah, well, that's one of life's great unanswerables. 347 00:18:44,980 --> 00:18:47,920 I don't suppose Marion even knows the answer to that one. 348 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:49,860 She doesn't even remember having children. 349 00:18:50,500 --> 00:18:53,420 Every morning she asks the kids who the hell they are, what they're doing in the 350 00:18:53,420 --> 00:18:54,420 kitchen. 351 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:58,180 Maybe she's just a lost soul crying out for love. 352 00:18:58,380 --> 00:18:59,380 You think so? 353 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:03,420 All women want a little excitement in their lives, you know, Geoffrey. She had 354 00:19:03,420 --> 00:19:06,560 an affair with a trapeze artist once, on his trapeze. 355 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:08,740 And she said that was exciting. 356 00:19:09,980 --> 00:19:11,400 But he dropped her eventually. 357 00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:17,180 Maybe you should make yourself a little bit more exciting. 358 00:19:17,420 --> 00:19:18,420 I mean dairy products. 359 00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:21,320 There's not much room for excitement in yoghurt and cheese slices. 360 00:19:22,380 --> 00:19:27,430 Look... Why don't you jazz yourself up a bit? Go back to your wife and make her 361 00:19:27,430 --> 00:19:29,530 fall for you all over again. 362 00:19:30,070 --> 00:19:31,750 Be a different person. 363 00:19:32,430 --> 00:19:33,710 You mean go in disguise? 364 00:19:34,250 --> 00:19:36,410 No, that's not what I meant. 365 00:19:36,970 --> 00:19:39,530 But now you mention it, why not? 366 00:19:44,710 --> 00:19:51,490 Oh, Jean, I came as fast as I could. Now, what's this emergency? 367 00:19:52,330 --> 00:19:54,550 Someone sick, are they? Yes, me. 368 00:19:54,810 --> 00:19:56,030 I am sick. 369 00:19:56,230 --> 00:19:58,270 At least my soul is sick. 370 00:19:59,090 --> 00:20:01,870 That does sound serious. 371 00:20:02,310 --> 00:20:06,330 I have decided to give myself to the Lord. 372 00:20:07,010 --> 00:20:09,110 Well, I'm sure he'll be glad to have you. 373 00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:12,830 What exactly do you mean, dear? 374 00:20:13,110 --> 00:20:14,290 I want to be like you. 375 00:20:14,690 --> 00:20:16,450 I want to be a nun. 376 00:20:16,710 --> 00:20:19,790 I want you to show me the path to heaven. 377 00:20:20,590 --> 00:20:21,730 I see. 378 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:26,240 Look, why don't we take a little walk and have a nice chat? 379 00:20:29,540 --> 00:20:30,540 My God. 380 00:20:31,500 --> 00:20:32,500 She's serious. 381 00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:39,740 There you are, Tom. Black Forrest Gato, or as we call it, non -white Forrest 382 00:20:39,740 --> 00:20:40,740 Gato. Yummy. 383 00:20:40,860 --> 00:20:43,760 And for you, Diana, a cheese biscuit. 384 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:45,520 Enjoy. 385 00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:53,520 some kind of joke? 386 00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:55,220 Certainly not. 387 00:20:55,540 --> 00:21:00,380 I have spent hours with Jenny and the chef working out a balanced diet sheet 388 00:21:00,380 --> 00:21:03,400 you. You can have a bit of ice cream on Wednesday week. 389 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:04,599 Oh, great. 390 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:06,660 Or fun on a carnival to celebrate. 391 00:21:07,380 --> 00:21:08,380 Oh, look. 392 00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:09,860 Jamie's feeding up old Brenda Cook. 393 00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:11,120 Where? 394 00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:30,040 I need your advice. 395 00:21:30,300 --> 00:21:31,300 Chop your head off. 396 00:21:31,380 --> 00:21:32,380 What? 397 00:21:32,860 --> 00:21:34,600 Chop your head off. That's my advice. 398 00:21:34,980 --> 00:21:37,640 If you've got a bit of a problem, pop down the butchers, get him to chop your 399 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:38,920 head off and all your problems will go away. 400 00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:40,600 I presume that's a joke. No. 401 00:21:41,220 --> 00:21:42,219 What do you want? 402 00:21:42,220 --> 00:21:43,220 It's Jane. 403 00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:44,500 Tom, what are you doing? 404 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:48,600 It seems that my pudding has just disappeared into a Bermuda triangle of 405 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:49,760 forest ghettos. 406 00:21:50,300 --> 00:21:55,380 Or maybe some daft old woman is risking her health by behaving like a disgusting 407 00:21:55,380 --> 00:21:56,380 old pig. 408 00:21:56,440 --> 00:22:01,630 Uh -uh. You mustn't stress me. Just concentrate on my problems, please. 409 00:22:01,630 --> 00:22:04,590 problem in particular, Harvey? Jane won't marry me. 410 00:22:04,830 --> 00:22:06,090 Won't? She won't what? 411 00:22:06,290 --> 00:22:08,150 I asked her to marry me. She said no. 412 00:22:08,490 --> 00:22:09,790 I don't believe it. 413 00:22:10,430 --> 00:22:11,910 Has she really got that much sense? 414 00:22:12,230 --> 00:22:14,470 How exactly did you phrase this proposal? 415 00:22:14,770 --> 00:22:18,350 I pointed out the tax breaks of marriage, the golf club advantages, and 416 00:22:18,350 --> 00:22:20,450 obvious choice of being Mrs. Harvey Nigel Bain. 417 00:22:20,650 --> 00:22:22,290 And she turned you down. 418 00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:24,390 Totally amazing. Right. 419 00:22:24,630 --> 00:22:25,730 Did you say you loved her? 420 00:22:25,930 --> 00:22:27,030 What? Loved. 421 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:29,480 It's usually an ingredient in the marriage proposal. 422 00:22:30,420 --> 00:22:32,940 You say you love her, she says she loves you. 423 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:34,980 Oh, then we must have missed that bit. 424 00:22:35,660 --> 00:22:36,660 Well, try again. 425 00:22:36,940 --> 00:22:40,860 Get down on your knees, declare your love and beg for her hand. In a bag with 426 00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:41,860 chips. 427 00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:44,580 I think it's too late. She says she's going to become a nun. 428 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,560 Well, she says that at least three times a year. No, but this time she's 429 00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:51,300 serious. She's taking instructions from Sister Sheila. She has resorted to the 430 00:22:51,300 --> 00:22:52,300 Pope's penguins. 431 00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:54,000 She must be serious. 432 00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:55,280 What about me? 433 00:22:55,340 --> 00:22:56,680 I'll miss her. 434 00:22:56,890 --> 00:22:58,430 As a slave? No, with Jane. 435 00:22:58,890 --> 00:23:01,570 I quite sort of like her. 436 00:23:02,190 --> 00:23:03,770 Did you hear that? 437 00:23:06,330 --> 00:23:09,670 Ow! Yes, it is him. I thought it might be an imposter. 438 00:23:10,770 --> 00:23:12,530 Ow! You're right. 439 00:23:12,850 --> 00:23:13,850 What do you mean? 440 00:23:14,050 --> 00:23:17,170 Well, it's just that you seem to have expressed a genuine sentiment for the 441 00:23:17,170 --> 00:23:18,930 first time in your life. Quite turned my stomach. 442 00:23:19,210 --> 00:23:22,610 Well, well, Cork, if you want my advice, I suggest you go to Jane and tell her 443 00:23:22,610 --> 00:23:23,690 that you'd miss her. 444 00:23:24,220 --> 00:23:25,220 See how that works. 445 00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:28,960 And if all else fails, go for the sympathy vote. Tell her if she won't 446 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:30,000 you, you'll kill yourself. 447 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:31,980 Better still kill yourself anyway. 448 00:24:01,420 --> 00:24:02,440 She wants a new man. 449 00:24:05,780 --> 00:24:08,520 I'm a new man. 450 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:13,400 Hey! Hey, darling, how you doing? 451 00:24:14,500 --> 00:24:18,080 How beautiful. 452 00:24:22,980 --> 00:24:26,640 Hey! You marrying, marrying a pushover? 453 00:24:34,860 --> 00:24:37,620 I have the pleasure of... Fat boy. Fat boy Higgins. 454 00:24:38,180 --> 00:24:39,560 You can call me Fat. 455 00:24:39,860 --> 00:24:40,860 Oh, thank you. 456 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:42,280 Fat. 457 00:24:42,980 --> 00:24:43,980 Okay, babe. 458 00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:45,080 Let's do it. 459 00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:46,580 All right, dear. 460 00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:48,820 Don't be silly, Marion. Neighbours inside. 461 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:52,280 Make an interesting change. 462 00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:55,360 How is she? 463 00:24:58,240 --> 00:24:59,240 Not good. 464 00:24:59,620 --> 00:25:02,140 I've just seen her blood sugar and it's up to 19. 465 00:25:02,500 --> 00:25:05,080 19? Well, it's supposed to be nine. What's she been doing? 466 00:25:05,340 --> 00:25:08,300 Nothing. We've watched her diet meticulously. 467 00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:13,500 Then suddenly she was up and down all night, feeling wobbly and saying she had 468 00:25:13,500 --> 00:25:15,900 got, um, a chaffinch. 469 00:25:16,580 --> 00:25:19,940 Chaffinch? Well, women's waterworks thingy. 470 00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:22,800 Thrush, Mr Ballard. 471 00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:34,960 Please make her all right. I sort of need her. 472 00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:36,980 Keep her bowling along, eh? 473 00:25:40,940 --> 00:25:41,940 Well, what's all that? 474 00:25:42,380 --> 00:25:43,380 Cake. 475 00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:44,520 The ice cream. 476 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:46,240 Secret feast. 477 00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:47,680 Oh, dear. 478 00:25:48,140 --> 00:25:49,440 Is she going to be all right? 479 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:50,940 Yes, I'll pop in tomorrow. 480 00:25:51,420 --> 00:25:54,660 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go next door to visit the really ill. 481 00:25:55,540 --> 00:25:56,540 Goodbye. 482 00:26:05,770 --> 00:26:06,389 How do you feel? 483 00:26:06,390 --> 00:26:09,590 How do I look? Like absolute hell. Then I look better than I feel. 484 00:26:10,330 --> 00:26:14,690 Diana, why do you do such silly things? Oh, I don't know. 485 00:26:14,950 --> 00:26:16,230 Yeah, well, actually, I do. 486 00:26:16,570 --> 00:26:21,190 I wanted to know if it was true or just a load of medical bilge and bologna. 487 00:26:21,590 --> 00:26:23,050 And? It's true. 488 00:26:23,650 --> 00:26:28,230 There is something inside me, Tom, some unwelcome guest, and it's here to stay. 489 00:26:29,110 --> 00:26:32,910 It's midnight, and there's a mad dog loose on the town. 490 00:26:33,790 --> 00:26:35,290 But it's on a lead, Diana. 491 00:26:35,930 --> 00:26:36,930 Under control. 492 00:26:37,010 --> 00:26:38,190 As long as I feed it right. 493 00:26:38,430 --> 00:26:43,590 Yes, and pay for walkies and go down to the vet for flu jabs and hard pad and 494 00:26:43,590 --> 00:26:48,050 give it the odd flea bath and buy it a nice new collar. All right, all right. 495 00:26:48,050 --> 00:26:49,270 was just a simple metaphor. 496 00:26:49,750 --> 00:26:51,250 No need to flog it to death. 497 00:26:51,450 --> 00:26:52,910 It's not a terminal visitor. 498 00:26:53,590 --> 00:26:58,270 No, but it is an intruder, Tom. It is a black, creeping thing. It is another 499 00:26:58,270 --> 00:27:00,890 stumble down the steps into the cellar. 500 00:27:01,390 --> 00:27:02,390 Oh, Diana. 501 00:27:03,419 --> 00:27:06,460 What can I do for you? Nothing. There's nothing anyone can do. 502 00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:11,760 We are on our own when we arrive on this planet and we are even more on our own 503 00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:12,760 when we leave it. 504 00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:14,820 We don't have to be, you know. How so? 505 00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:18,140 We could become as one. Become as one? 506 00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:20,700 They don't do Siamese twin -offs in reverse, do they? 507 00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:23,400 We could become joined spiritually. 508 00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:27,500 Oh, no, no, gurus, thank you. I've been there in the 60s with a Maharishi yogi 509 00:27:27,500 --> 00:27:31,540 prat. No, no, no, I don't mean that kind of mumbo -jumbo. I mean we could be 510 00:27:31,540 --> 00:27:34,660 joined in a simple and common ceremony. 511 00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:36,080 And what is that? 512 00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:37,620 It's called marriage, Diana. 513 00:27:37,900 --> 00:27:39,040 We could get married. 514 00:27:48,940 --> 00:27:50,260 I think I've killed her!