1 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,020 They still haven't sent it. 2 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:50,140 Of course they haven't. 3 00:00:50,900 --> 00:00:53,260 Delivery in ten days, it says here. 4 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:55,340 That's an American magazine. 5 00:00:55,980 --> 00:00:56,980 So? 6 00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:01,640 They're not allowed to send Kalashnikov assault rifles to British pensioners. 7 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:02,700 It's against the law. 8 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,700 What about my nine -millimetre armour -piercing shells? 9 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:08,480 I thought I was a loony round here. 10 00:01:09,300 --> 00:01:11,140 They're straight through a wall, they would. 11 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:16,140 I thought I might take out the idiot Baines as he was sitting upon his 12 00:01:16,140 --> 00:01:17,140 potty. 13 00:01:17,860 --> 00:01:22,140 That's why we have gun laws on our blessed land. To keep the nutters 14 00:01:22,140 --> 00:01:25,980 sniping around in fantasy land instead of up towers of shopping centres. 15 00:01:28,220 --> 00:01:30,920 Ah, the boy Geoffrey and the girl Jane. 16 00:01:31,980 --> 00:01:32,980 Oh, ow! 17 00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:35,180 Go off my flaming foot. 18 00:01:35,860 --> 00:01:38,300 If thy foot offend thee, cut it off. 19 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,900 The damn thing won't heal, driving me up the wall. 20 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:47,360 It's so kind of you to help me with the shopping. 21 00:01:48,060 --> 00:01:50,120 Harvey always makes me take the bus. 22 00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:51,399 Pleasure, Jane. 23 00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:53,380 I think Volvo really likes you. 24 00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:55,380 Oh, that's nice. 25 00:01:55,740 --> 00:01:57,060 Not sure he'd ever like Marion. 26 00:01:57,580 --> 00:01:59,060 No, no, Geoffrey. 27 00:02:00,300 --> 00:02:01,680 I think they're at it. 28 00:02:02,860 --> 00:02:04,080 No, I do not. 29 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,460 Geoffrey's still married to Marion. 30 00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:10,180 He's got to stop Marion swinging by her knickers from the traffic lights. 31 00:02:11,989 --> 00:02:13,590 Geoffrey is a very model lad. 32 00:02:14,190 --> 00:02:16,310 And Jane is forever Harvey's. 33 00:02:16,710 --> 00:02:19,630 I think that's wearing a bit thin these days. 34 00:02:22,490 --> 00:02:23,490 Shut up! 35 00:02:25,550 --> 00:02:27,810 Oh, God, what a night. 36 00:02:28,550 --> 00:02:29,750 Or was it a day? 37 00:02:30,430 --> 00:02:31,430 Who knows? 38 00:02:32,230 --> 00:02:34,530 I want to know what you've been up to, Geoffrey. 39 00:02:35,330 --> 00:02:38,970 Your whole bedroom manner has changed out of all recognition. 40 00:02:40,970 --> 00:02:42,070 And you got all hairy. 41 00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:44,730 Smelly. 42 00:02:45,470 --> 00:02:46,630 What have you been up to? 43 00:02:47,690 --> 00:02:49,430 How do I get this iron mask off? 44 00:02:50,410 --> 00:02:51,650 Have I gone blind? 45 00:02:53,910 --> 00:02:54,910 Jeffy. 46 00:02:55,990 --> 00:02:56,990 Where have you gone? 47 00:02:57,850 --> 00:02:59,350 I'm going to wash that... 48 00:03:10,510 --> 00:03:12,370 wash right out of your hair? No one. 49 00:03:12,850 --> 00:03:13,930 Not old Mr. 50 00:03:14,270 --> 00:03:15,270 Headlight himself. 51 00:03:15,690 --> 00:03:17,890 That's no way to talk about Harvey. 52 00:03:18,270 --> 00:03:21,110 And how are you getting on with Geoffrey? Oh, please. 53 00:03:22,210 --> 00:03:23,750 Geoffrey is a married man. 54 00:03:24,010 --> 00:03:26,490 Oh, what? Anyone's better than that lizard from the Black Lagoon. 55 00:03:27,130 --> 00:03:28,130 Morning, all. 56 00:03:28,190 --> 00:03:29,190 Speak of the devil. 57 00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:30,810 Morning, Harvey. Bye, Harvey. 58 00:03:31,150 --> 00:03:32,150 Now then, Jane. 59 00:03:32,210 --> 00:03:33,210 Harvey! What? 60 00:03:33,330 --> 00:03:34,710 What's that on your neck? 61 00:03:35,110 --> 00:03:36,110 What? Where? 62 00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:43,040 dog bit me. What bad dog? 63 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:46,920 The butcher's rottweiler. Now, never mind that, Jane. 64 00:03:47,180 --> 00:03:48,180 Wonderful news. 65 00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:49,800 I've had an amazing letter. 66 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:52,160 You got that from the butcher's rottweiler? 67 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:53,920 No, from the mayor. 68 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:55,900 The mayor bit you? 69 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:59,600 The mayor has written me, not bitten me, Jane. 70 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,500 We are to be visited. 71 00:04:01,780 --> 00:04:02,519 Who by? 72 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:03,339 By royalty. 73 00:04:03,340 --> 00:04:04,500 A royal visit. 74 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:17,779 Just as that next Wednesday a royal personage is going to be in the vicinity 75 00:04:17,779 --> 00:04:19,000 may like to drop by. 76 00:04:19,620 --> 00:04:20,620 Isn't it wonderful? 77 00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:22,780 Oh, Jane, this could be it. 78 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:25,500 The services to the elderly. 79 00:04:26,220 --> 00:04:27,960 Arise, the Harvey Nigel Baines. 80 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:30,600 Get the place cleaned up. 81 00:04:30,940 --> 00:04:34,440 Plastic flowers in all the flower beds. Keep the screamers and the incontinents 82 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:38,700 round the back and... God, what am I going to do about Tom and Diana? 83 00:04:39,260 --> 00:04:40,640 I've got it. Brilliant idea. 84 00:04:40,860 --> 00:04:41,709 Now then, Jane. 85 00:04:41,710 --> 00:04:44,710 Get Tom and Diana to come to my office and don't tell them what it's about. 86 00:04:47,790 --> 00:04:49,790 Jane Edwards, Your Highness. 87 00:04:50,690 --> 00:04:53,410 Would you care to dine at Castle Bayview? 88 00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:56,410 We're having rabbit and custard. 89 00:04:59,750 --> 00:05:00,750 Oh. 90 00:05:01,310 --> 00:05:03,710 Oh, that's a damn thing. 91 00:05:04,590 --> 00:05:05,670 Probably gangrene. 92 00:05:06,170 --> 00:05:07,310 I'll have to chop it off. 93 00:05:13,420 --> 00:05:14,420 My magazine. Oh. 94 00:06:17,610 --> 00:06:19,210 to the ceiling. What do you want? 95 00:06:19,470 --> 00:06:20,650 I don't want anything. 96 00:06:21,050 --> 00:06:22,290 Harvey wants something. 97 00:06:22,730 --> 00:06:24,210 A full head and body transplant. 98 00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:30,490 He would like you and Tom to join him in his offering. Well, I'm not getting up 99 00:06:30,490 --> 00:06:33,810 again. Tell him to stick his head in a bucket of pitch and breathe deeply. 100 00:06:34,370 --> 00:06:36,150 He's got some wonderful news. 101 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,170 He's not leaving, is he? No. 102 00:06:38,610 --> 00:06:40,030 Well, what's the wonderful news? 103 00:06:40,310 --> 00:06:41,810 I'm not allowed to tell anybody. 104 00:06:42,290 --> 00:06:43,290 Well, tell me. 105 00:06:43,530 --> 00:06:47,190 I'm not allowed to tell, but you're going to love it. It's wonderful news. 106 00:07:04,780 --> 00:07:08,460 Lovely to see you. How totally wonderful and marvellous. 107 00:07:08,740 --> 00:07:10,660 Grovel, Harvey. I didn't bring my chuck bucket. 108 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:15,480 You're such a joker. Now, go on, sit yourselves down, make yourselves 109 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:19,160 comfortable. Now, do you want a cup of coffee? Yes, thanks. Well, there we are. 110 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:21,040 Never mind. 111 00:07:21,300 --> 00:07:22,300 How nice. 112 00:07:23,380 --> 00:07:24,820 Obviously a serious con. 113 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:26,960 Yes, obviously. What do you want, Harvey? 114 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:28,360 I want to thank you. 115 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:30,960 And I want to thank you for all you've done round here. 116 00:07:31,370 --> 00:07:34,750 I mean, sometimes I don't think you realise how sincerely grateful I am to 117 00:07:34,970 --> 00:07:36,730 Get on with it. We're getting old. 118 00:07:37,010 --> 00:07:41,910 And to my appreciation, I have here two tickets to a West End show, Les 119 00:07:41,910 --> 00:07:42,910 Miserable. 120 00:07:44,990 --> 00:07:47,850 I don't know Les personally, but I've heard he's very good. 121 00:07:48,430 --> 00:07:51,590 It's next Wednesday, and I thought you could go up for the day. 122 00:07:51,790 --> 00:07:53,370 It's all expenses on me, of course. 123 00:07:54,150 --> 00:07:55,150 After you, Tom. 124 00:07:55,450 --> 00:07:56,450 Right -o. 125 00:07:57,070 --> 00:07:58,070 Look, Harvey. 126 00:07:58,510 --> 00:07:59,550 What's that? What? 127 00:07:59,850 --> 00:08:00,850 There on the desk. 128 00:08:01,180 --> 00:08:02,360 Isn't it a hair of your head? 129 00:08:02,620 --> 00:08:03,620 Where? 130 00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:08,020 What's that mark on his neck? 131 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:11,040 He's been with a woman. It's a life bite. 132 00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:15,320 More like a total indifference bite. Do you mind? 133 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,780 Now, tell us why you want us to get out of here on Wednesday. 134 00:08:19,060 --> 00:08:20,280 Because I like you. 135 00:08:20,580 --> 00:08:25,520 Tom, pull out his hair. No, not the hair. No, I'll tell you, I'll tell you. 136 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:26,520 truth? I promise. 137 00:08:26,580 --> 00:08:27,580 Speak. 138 00:08:29,780 --> 00:08:33,179 You see, there's going to be a council inspection, and I know how much you like 139 00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:35,059 to tell them I employ leopards in the kitchen. 140 00:08:35,659 --> 00:08:37,200 She's lying. Oh, give me that back. 141 00:08:37,659 --> 00:08:39,140 There's going to be a royal visit. 142 00:08:39,539 --> 00:08:40,880 Oh, Lord, enough. 143 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:47,560 Well, which royal is it? Big Ears, Snow White, Chubby Chops, or Dockside Doris? 144 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:50,300 It doesn't say. 145 00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:52,160 Security, I expect. 146 00:08:52,420 --> 00:08:53,420 We'll take the ticket. 147 00:08:53,820 --> 00:08:57,460 What? Well, yes, we don't want to hang around waiting while some cloth -eared 148 00:08:57,460 --> 00:08:58,720 royal maybe drops in. 149 00:08:58,940 --> 00:08:59,940 Oh, yes, I do. 150 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:06,360 Hello, ma 'am. Sir Thomas Ballard at your service. We are going to the 151 00:09:06,660 --> 00:09:10,520 I've got it. You go to the theatre, Diana, and Tom can be part of the 152 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:11,520 party. 153 00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:14,280 He is fully continent, isn't he? 154 00:09:16,500 --> 00:09:19,600 I always use hand cream to polish Volvo. 155 00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:21,760 It's the lanolin, you see. 156 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:27,740 It protects and soothes away a car's inner tensions and external abrasions. 157 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:30,220 That's nice, Geoffrey. 158 00:09:30,740 --> 00:09:32,180 Sometimes I use it on myself. 159 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:36,540 It's one of the few pleasures I get in life. 160 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:39,200 I ask Marion to do the bits I couldn't reach. 161 00:09:40,020 --> 00:09:41,460 But she bit me instead. 162 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:42,920 Oh, dear. 163 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:44,960 Harvey's been bitten. 164 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:46,360 By a resident? 165 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:47,720 A dog, apparently. 166 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:49,740 Right on the neck. 167 00:09:49,940 --> 00:09:51,000 Well, that could have been quite unpleasant. 168 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:52,520 Yes. 169 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:56,120 Once I would have been most concerned. 170 00:09:56,880 --> 00:10:00,120 But now I'm not sure that I care that much. 171 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:16,120 Gordon Bennett. 172 00:10:17,140 --> 00:10:18,140 What's the matter? 173 00:10:18,220 --> 00:10:20,540 Well, that is, your surf mentality. 174 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:25,520 A pack of inbred, unemployed hoorays sends one of their number out into the 175 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:28,600 shires and half the population fall flat on their faces in the mud, begging to 176 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:29,600 be trodden on. 177 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:31,320 I am not listening. 178 00:10:31,780 --> 00:10:34,220 Well, I bet we don't get Brenda or Stavros down here. 179 00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:36,500 Who? The senior partners. 180 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:38,040 Oh, and her Greek sailor. 181 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,820 You are talking of my liege lord. 182 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:43,839 Your what? 183 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:45,240 My queen and her consort. 184 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:49,280 The head of the empire and the armed forces for whom I would happily lay down 185 00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:51,180 life. On the field of battle. 186 00:10:51,620 --> 00:10:52,620 Well, go on, then. 187 00:10:53,340 --> 00:10:56,280 What? Find a field of battle and lay down your life. 188 00:10:56,940 --> 00:10:59,500 See how many of them get off their polo ponies for you. 189 00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:03,260 You don't understand, do you? 190 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:06,080 Sometimes I wonder if you're really British. 191 00:11:06,540 --> 00:11:09,380 I am a citizen of the planet Earth. 192 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:14,060 I have travelled, I have seen the world, and I have found that contrary to 193 00:11:14,060 --> 00:11:18,120 popular British opinion, there are many... Peoples and races who survive 194 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:23,100 well without our daffy duck class system, with its dukes and duchesses and 195 00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:26,440 high thises and thates and all the rest of the cast of the bleeding mercado. 196 00:11:28,540 --> 00:11:35,160 And it's turned you into a real Bolshevik. If you are truly British, if 197 00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:38,740 really love your country, then you are genetically structured to accept and 198 00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:40,440 revere our royal family. 199 00:11:40,820 --> 00:11:42,060 You mean brainwashed? 200 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:43,299 I do not. 201 00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:46,160 No, no, no, Tom, it's not the way... it is anymore. 202 00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:53,800 When I was young and banging around some corner of a foreign field and heard 203 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:59,720 the crackle of the old world service wafting on some clammy airwaves and 204 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:05,260 there was Alvar Liddell telling me what the young Queen Elizabeth was up to. 205 00:12:05,740 --> 00:12:09,860 A loyal tear sprang to even my bloodshot eyes. 206 00:12:10,700 --> 00:12:13,100 And I was waving my flag with the rest of them. 207 00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:14,760 But not anymore. 208 00:12:15,310 --> 00:12:20,230 The magic's gone, thanks to the nasty nose of our ragbag media. 209 00:12:20,470 --> 00:12:22,090 We know too much about them. 210 00:12:22,630 --> 00:12:27,170 It's hard to keep the respect and awe going when the object of your adoration 211 00:12:27,170 --> 00:12:29,750 sliding down a greasy pole and it's a knockout. 212 00:12:31,410 --> 00:12:32,550 You know your problem? 213 00:12:32,890 --> 00:12:36,710 Well, I have many. Which did you have in mind? You think too much, you reason 214 00:12:36,710 --> 00:12:40,010 too much, and you have a mean little soul. 215 00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:42,320 Well, thank you, Tom. 216 00:12:42,580 --> 00:12:48,240 Them out there, and when I say them, I mean me also, we still love and care for 217 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:52,080 our royal family. I don't know why, but we just do. 218 00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:58,520 Everyone here is thrilled to have a royal visit. So will you stop being such 219 00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:01,140 misery and try to spoil it for all of us? 220 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:06,300 Goodness. I have stuck an ice pick in the national psyche. 221 00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:09,040 Jolly good. 222 00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:14,940 Come to change the dressing on your foot. Oh, isn't it wonderful? 223 00:13:15,380 --> 00:13:17,400 Wonderful? What, my suppurating foot? 224 00:13:17,700 --> 00:13:19,780 No, your foot isn't wonderful. 225 00:13:20,260 --> 00:13:22,920 I mean, it's very nice as feet goes. 226 00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:30,140 Or at least it would be if it didn't have that warp -boil -sith thingy on it. 227 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,040 Just get on with it, Jane. 228 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:35,940 No, I meant, isn't the royal visit wonderful? 229 00:13:36,220 --> 00:13:38,400 No. Oh, it is, Diana. 230 00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:40,360 I had an aunt. 231 00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:42,780 Who was bitten by a corgi once. 232 00:13:46,140 --> 00:13:47,140 So? 233 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:48,960 Probably an omen. 234 00:13:49,340 --> 00:13:50,340 An omen? 235 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:57,000 Yes. Dear, perhaps I blacked out for a second and missed an important logical 236 00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:01,440 step in your reasoning, or you've yet again made a quantum leap across the 237 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:05,700 of normal thought processes, but what exactly is prefixed by your aunt having 238 00:14:05,700 --> 00:14:07,960 this unfortunate encounter with a short, stumpy dog? 239 00:14:08,380 --> 00:14:13,250 Well, they're the royal dogs, aren't they? And all the boys are free at the 240 00:14:13,250 --> 00:14:14,450 moment. Boys? 241 00:14:14,690 --> 00:14:15,690 The princes. 242 00:14:16,010 --> 00:14:17,590 Available. So? 243 00:14:17,850 --> 00:14:20,030 So? So am I. 244 00:14:23,250 --> 00:14:25,650 You poor, demented creature. 245 00:14:26,770 --> 00:14:31,490 Do you honestly think that Charles and Edward and what's his name, the chubby 246 00:14:31,490 --> 00:14:32,490 one? Andrew. 247 00:14:32,590 --> 00:14:33,930 And he's not chubby. 248 00:14:34,150 --> 00:14:36,270 It's just his wife didn't feed him properly. 249 00:14:36,770 --> 00:14:39,650 Do you honestly think they're scouring the countryside for wives? 250 00:14:40,430 --> 00:14:41,329 Why not? 251 00:14:41,330 --> 00:14:42,330 But why? 252 00:14:42,470 --> 00:14:43,970 Because they haven't got any. 253 00:14:44,530 --> 00:14:45,650 Not living. 254 00:14:46,050 --> 00:14:49,370 So you think they're going to drop in here, see you and whisk you off to 255 00:14:49,370 --> 00:14:50,189 to meet Mummy? 256 00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:54,470 Well... Well... No. 257 00:14:55,650 --> 00:14:57,430 No, I don't suppose so. 258 00:14:58,370 --> 00:15:03,410 It's just when you've been here a long time and you've got nothing put by and 259 00:15:03,410 --> 00:15:09,970 -one to call your own and your future looks, well, like your past, well... 260 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:11,960 You know. 261 00:15:12,140 --> 00:15:14,920 You've got to have a dream to make a dream come true. 262 00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:16,360 Thought of. 263 00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:18,160 Silly, really. 264 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:20,500 No. No, it isn't silly, Jane. 265 00:15:20,980 --> 00:15:21,980 You're quite right. 266 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:23,880 I mean, that's what they are. By appointment. 267 00:15:24,180 --> 00:15:26,840 Purveyors of hope to the toiling masses, I suppose. 268 00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:32,560 Oh, your foot's still a bit puffy. 269 00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:37,000 I wish you'd let me take it to the doctor. 270 00:15:41,390 --> 00:15:42,229 it up again. 271 00:15:42,230 --> 00:15:44,190 Oh, take it to the doctor, please. 272 00:15:44,770 --> 00:15:46,250 I'll send it to him, all right. 273 00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:48,030 Thank you. 274 00:15:50,670 --> 00:15:54,430 So, what is the idiot Baines doing for the royal visit? 275 00:15:54,990 --> 00:15:58,450 Rubbing his nose in a cow pat to get him practised? Oh, Diana, please. 276 00:15:59,010 --> 00:16:00,750 Betty's red carpeting the drive. 277 00:16:01,250 --> 00:16:04,010 Frankly, I don't know, and I don't care. 278 00:16:04,330 --> 00:16:06,470 Oh, my goodness, there is a shift in the wind. 279 00:16:07,030 --> 00:16:09,010 Not off our little petal, are we? 280 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,100 I think he's been telling me little fibby fiblets. 281 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:18,700 Do you think he got those teeth marks from Bronwyn, the butcher's rottweiler? 282 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:20,400 Oh, my God. 283 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:26,040 I don't know, Jane, but if Tom came home with similar indentations, I would not 284 00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:28,660 be checking the dental records of every rottweiler in Bournemouth. 285 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:33,280 You mean he got that not from a dog? 286 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:35,620 More like a woman, Jane. 287 00:16:36,490 --> 00:16:39,770 And as it was Harvey she chewed upon, if I were you, I'd look for a madwoman 288 00:16:39,770 --> 00:16:41,550 who's lost her scentless smell and her white stick. 289 00:16:44,510 --> 00:16:47,150 Frankly, Diana, I don't give a damn. 290 00:16:47,490 --> 00:16:49,030 I think he's disgusting. 291 00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:51,250 I deserve better. 292 00:16:51,590 --> 00:16:54,110 I deserve a prince of my own. 293 00:16:55,210 --> 00:16:56,430 Oh, dear. 294 00:16:58,010 --> 00:17:02,550 God, when you were giving out the fortune cookies, why did you miss out on 295 00:17:02,550 --> 00:17:03,550 Jane? 296 00:17:05,079 --> 00:17:06,720 I got this off old Peter Williams. 297 00:17:07,599 --> 00:17:09,819 Of course, he was a bit taller than me when he died. 298 00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:12,140 This is very good of you, Jenny. 299 00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:16,260 That's all right, boss. I just love to come up the big house and see all the 300 00:17:16,260 --> 00:17:18,540 white folks in all their fine clothes. 301 00:17:20,260 --> 00:17:21,300 Any time, Jenny. 302 00:17:21,819 --> 00:17:23,839 I met the Duke of Edinburgh once. You did? 303 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:25,300 He came to my school. 304 00:17:25,900 --> 00:17:29,740 It was all a bit of a set -up, really. I was put in a woodwork shop, supposedly 305 00:17:29,740 --> 00:17:33,140 putting a screw into a sailing boat that had actually been finished three years 306 00:17:33,140 --> 00:17:34,140 before. 307 00:17:34,510 --> 00:17:37,130 Then he comes to the Duke and he walks up to me and looks at the boat and says, 308 00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:38,190 what class is this? 309 00:17:38,350 --> 00:17:39,970 And I say, it's woodwork class, sir. 310 00:17:41,670 --> 00:17:42,930 And then he hit me round the head. 311 00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:45,730 Some sort of protocol, I suppose. 312 00:17:46,010 --> 00:17:49,230 Yes, well, I've laid on an extensive tour and I've told Jane to keep the 313 00:17:49,230 --> 00:17:50,930 residents strapped down and out of sight. 314 00:17:51,310 --> 00:17:54,450 I expect the security people will be here first to see if any of us are 315 00:17:54,450 --> 00:17:55,450 dangerous lunatics. 316 00:17:55,990 --> 00:17:57,750 Geoffrey, Geoffrey, where are you? 317 00:17:58,250 --> 00:18:00,750 Speaking of which... Here's Marion. Oh, God. 318 00:18:01,530 --> 00:18:02,530 Hello, everybody. 319 00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:04,950 Jeffy Weffy. 320 00:18:05,050 --> 00:18:06,050 What are you doing here? 321 00:18:06,470 --> 00:18:08,350 I've come to take you home. 322 00:18:08,590 --> 00:18:12,830 Marion, we've been through all this. It's all over. I've left you for good. 323 00:18:13,110 --> 00:18:14,270 But that was before. 324 00:18:14,550 --> 00:18:15,550 Before what, dear? 325 00:18:17,050 --> 00:18:18,410 Before last night. 326 00:18:18,750 --> 00:18:20,530 Yes, it was about six weeks before last night. 327 00:18:20,970 --> 00:18:23,650 Yes, the last night was, well, you know. 328 00:18:24,170 --> 00:18:25,170 Wow. 329 00:18:26,430 --> 00:18:29,950 I don't quite follow you, dear. I think we'll finish this off somewhere else, 330 00:18:30,030 --> 00:18:31,230 Jenny. Oh, yes. 331 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:35,880 Hello, Marion. How nice to see you. I haven't seen you for ages. 332 00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:38,640 Eh? 333 00:18:40,660 --> 00:18:44,100 Oh, Miss Sheffy, everyone's wearing that new aftershave of yours. 334 00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:48,320 I don't wear aftershave, dear. When you're in yoghurts and cheese slices, 335 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:50,260 can't afford to confuse your nasal capacities. 336 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:53,000 What's all this about last night? 337 00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:55,820 Well, it wasn't last night special for you. 338 00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:57,080 I suppose it was, in a way. 339 00:18:57,790 --> 00:19:00,770 During Mastermind, I scored 11 without cheating by saying the answer just after 340 00:19:00,770 --> 00:19:01,770 the contestant. 341 00:19:03,010 --> 00:19:04,010 What did you do? 342 00:19:04,550 --> 00:19:05,550 I made love. 343 00:19:05,630 --> 00:19:06,630 To you. 344 00:19:07,030 --> 00:19:08,030 Don't you remember? 345 00:19:08,510 --> 00:19:09,770 No, I must have missed that bit. 346 00:19:11,350 --> 00:19:13,710 We made wild, passionate love. 347 00:19:14,570 --> 00:19:15,730 Or at least I did. 348 00:19:16,010 --> 00:19:18,970 You seem more concerned with whether you were losing any hair. 349 00:19:19,530 --> 00:19:20,530 Not me, dear. 350 00:19:21,290 --> 00:19:23,690 You asked me to dress up as Margaret Thatcher? 351 00:19:24,050 --> 00:19:25,050 No. 352 00:19:26,190 --> 00:19:28,790 You did scream, and I bit you savagely in the neck. 353 00:19:29,050 --> 00:19:30,050 Didn't you? 354 00:19:30,430 --> 00:19:33,490 You see, Christine is quite untuned. 355 00:19:33,810 --> 00:19:36,670 I'm afraid your lover wasn't me, dear, but then again, it rarely ever was. 356 00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:38,590 God, who was it, then? 357 00:19:38,790 --> 00:19:39,790 Do you want to borrow a phone book? 358 00:19:41,910 --> 00:19:43,630 So you don't want to come home yet? 359 00:19:45,530 --> 00:19:50,190 No, Marion. But, Jeffy, I need you. You have a very eccentric way of showing it. 360 00:19:50,370 --> 00:19:52,330 What if I said I was sorry about everything? 361 00:19:52,770 --> 00:19:54,970 I'd say so, my dear. 362 00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:00,920 Oh, where's that flaming bus? 363 00:20:01,740 --> 00:20:03,860 Oh, God, my bloody foot! 364 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:13,620 Miss Diana Trent? 365 00:20:14,500 --> 00:20:15,520 Who's asking? 366 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,820 Would you like a lift back to Bayview? 367 00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:20,740 You bet. Here, drop all the beads. 368 00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:23,680 Your Majesty. 369 00:20:24,810 --> 00:20:29,710 On behalf of the citizens of Bayview, may I welcome you to our humble abode, 370 00:20:29,710 --> 00:20:32,330 deep in the heart of your beautiful countryside. 371 00:20:33,290 --> 00:20:38,470 Then guide her in the door, remembering not to touch her royal personage. 372 00:20:38,730 --> 00:20:42,070 Don't want to be like that Australian chappy, treating her like a glove 373 00:20:43,050 --> 00:20:48,790 Just dump the bags on the table. Tom, this is Mr Smith and Mr Brown, kind 374 00:20:48,790 --> 00:20:50,330 to offer an old cripple a lift. 375 00:20:50,770 --> 00:20:53,090 What ho? You must be Mr Barrow. 376 00:20:53,689 --> 00:20:54,689 Sounds familiar. 377 00:20:54,810 --> 00:20:55,810 Just a minute. 378 00:20:56,330 --> 00:20:57,550 How did you know that? 379 00:20:58,010 --> 00:21:01,390 Come to that, how did you know who I was at the bus stop? We're security, madam. 380 00:21:01,950 --> 00:21:02,869 Royal visit. 381 00:21:02,870 --> 00:21:03,870 Oh, Ada. 382 00:21:04,350 --> 00:21:07,030 What do you want with us? 383 00:21:07,350 --> 00:21:11,330 This is an order form sent to an American company called Arms 384 00:21:15,370 --> 00:21:18,970 Did you put in an order for a high -powered assault rifle? Yes, indeed I 385 00:21:19,370 --> 00:21:22,990 In fact, I ordered a whole case of them, plus hand grenades, three -inch 386 00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:25,550 mortars, and a selection of assorted ground -to -air missiles. 387 00:21:26,910 --> 00:21:28,150 I won't ask why. 388 00:21:28,370 --> 00:21:29,370 We've got mice. 389 00:21:31,010 --> 00:21:32,010 What? 390 00:21:33,230 --> 00:21:35,710 Ask my quartermaster, Major Ballard. 391 00:21:36,150 --> 00:21:40,990 Sir? We are the BLF, the Bournemouth Liberation Front. 392 00:21:41,210 --> 00:21:44,330 As soon as the arms arrive, we will sweep down from the New Forest and 393 00:21:44,330 --> 00:21:48,370 liberate... The downtrodden masses toiling in the labour camps of Swanage. 394 00:21:49,430 --> 00:21:51,650 Are you taking a mickey? Well, what do you think? 395 00:21:52,450 --> 00:21:53,610 What is this, Kelly? 396 00:21:54,210 --> 00:21:55,910 I'm sorry, madam, but it's our job. 397 00:21:56,370 --> 00:21:58,810 You never know who might be at security risk these days. 398 00:21:59,090 --> 00:22:00,090 Fair enough. 399 00:22:00,210 --> 00:22:01,210 Carry on. 400 00:22:02,090 --> 00:22:03,710 Glad to see yourself on the ball. 401 00:22:03,970 --> 00:22:05,510 Well, actually, not that on the ball. 402 00:22:05,850 --> 00:22:09,430 Sorry? Well, you've missed the major security threat round here, haven't 403 00:22:09,450 --> 00:22:10,510 Tom? Eh, what? 404 00:22:10,770 --> 00:22:11,770 Harvey Nidal. 405 00:22:12,170 --> 00:22:13,610 Oh, well, yes. 406 00:22:14,410 --> 00:22:15,410 H -N. 407 00:22:15,750 --> 00:22:19,210 A rabid anti -monarchist, if ever there was one. Probably quite harmless. 408 00:22:19,490 --> 00:22:21,910 Oh, yes, I'm sure he'd do nothing to embarrass or endanger their majesty. 409 00:22:22,230 --> 00:22:23,230 Oh, no. 410 00:22:23,930 --> 00:22:25,830 He hasn't gone funny for days. 411 00:22:26,070 --> 00:22:27,150 I'm sure he'll be fine. 412 00:22:27,390 --> 00:22:28,590 Who are you talking about, sir? 413 00:22:29,110 --> 00:22:33,690 Oh, dear, no, I can't betray a dear friend. Oh, absolutely not. 414 00:22:33,970 --> 00:22:35,190 It'll be in the strictest confidence. 415 00:22:35,970 --> 00:22:41,490 Well, in that case... Just let me get this clear. 416 00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:45,040 Harvey comes in with teeth marks about his neck. 417 00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:48,740 Yes. He tells Jane it was done by a rottweiler. 418 00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:49,959 Yes. 419 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:54,400 But you think the doggie in question would have taken his entire head right 420 00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:55,600 Yes. 421 00:22:56,380 --> 00:22:57,380 Oh, my God. 422 00:22:57,600 --> 00:22:58,720 How do I look? 423 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:03,060 Like a pool bearer. Don't be mean, Diana. He looks lovely. I've got myself 424 00:23:03,060 --> 00:23:04,060 frock, too. You? 425 00:23:04,420 --> 00:23:08,260 You are abasing yourself before a hierarchy was in the forefront of the 426 00:23:08,260 --> 00:23:10,820 trade. Diana, stop trying to create problems where none exist. 427 00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:12,280 It's my hobby. 428 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:15,580 Jane, he's stopping for the party. 429 00:23:15,820 --> 00:23:18,100 Oh, you've got to give me a hand. Oh, you're useless. 430 00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:22,060 I am not. I am a person and I'm a woman. 431 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:24,480 Who's been filling your head with all this rubbish? 432 00:23:25,660 --> 00:23:27,940 Now, pay attention, please. 433 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:29,800 Jane. 434 00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:42,780 plan of bay view so as you can all see where you have to be when the royal 435 00:23:42,780 --> 00:23:45,680 arrives. I'll be in the Savoy eating you into bankruptcy. 436 00:23:46,020 --> 00:23:47,040 And I'll be in the pub. 437 00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:49,020 Yes, well that's the troublemakers out of the way. 438 00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:52,500 Now then, the rest of you will be behind these ropes at the top of the drive. 439 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:54,520 You will all be wearing your Sunday best. 440 00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:57,340 Make sure you have been before you go out. 441 00:23:58,340 --> 00:24:02,740 And wave those little union jacks which I will be providing for you at a very 442 00:24:02,740 --> 00:24:03,539 small fee. 443 00:24:03,540 --> 00:24:06,880 And where will you be? Flat on your back, begging them to walk all over you? 444 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:08,660 I will be with the welcoming party. 445 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,980 In fact, I will be the welcoming party. 446 00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:12,179 What about me? 447 00:24:12,180 --> 00:24:13,200 You can open the car door. 448 00:24:13,460 --> 00:24:14,960 Now then, any questions? 449 00:24:15,500 --> 00:24:17,260 Yes, I have a question. 450 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:19,500 Have you been sleeping with my wife? 451 00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:24,220 Is that to do with the royal visit? 452 00:24:25,180 --> 00:24:26,180 Answer the question. 453 00:24:26,500 --> 00:24:30,380 Don't get sloppy with me, Geoffrey. Have you slept with my wife? No, I have not. 454 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:31,600 Really? Really. 455 00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:33,080 I didn't get a wink of sleep. 456 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:39,000 face to myself. 457 00:24:39,420 --> 00:24:40,420 What's happening? 458 00:24:40,660 --> 00:24:41,860 Jeffrey's trying to kill Harvey. 459 00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:43,100 Oh, poor baby. 460 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:44,440 Poor baby. 461 00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:45,560 Come on. 462 00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:09,880 hurt you. 463 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:10,920 Oh! 464 00:25:11,740 --> 00:25:15,080 Get away, Jane. This is man's business. 465 00:25:15,300 --> 00:25:17,440 Geoffrey, stop it! Get away, Jane. 466 00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:19,420 I'm a black belt. I can handle this. 467 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:46,960 He slept with my wife. Well, he just didn't want to feel left out. 468 00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:53,300 I don't understand women at all. 469 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:56,800 Nor me. 470 00:25:57,180 --> 00:25:58,180 Nor me. 471 00:25:58,480 --> 00:25:59,740 They're really weird. 472 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:20,640 It's only for a short time, sir. 473 00:26:21,900 --> 00:26:23,840 Wouldn't want an incident, would we? 474 00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:25,360 But she's lying! 475 00:26:26,860 --> 00:26:30,500 I have never said anything about Princess Margaret's drinking habit. 476 00:26:31,660 --> 00:26:34,600 I've not made jokes about Clint's child in a wind tunnel. 477 00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:37,880 And I do not deliberately run over corgis. 478 00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:39,740 Just until they're gone, sir. 479 00:26:58,570 --> 00:27:01,330 Raph Obolensky of Irkutsk. 480 00:27:02,110 --> 00:27:05,230 Well, fancy me not recognising old Vlad, baby. 481 00:27:05,990 --> 00:27:07,450 He was of the family, though. 482 00:27:07,690 --> 00:27:14,030 See, 23rd carton to Albert of Romania, who was himself great -nephew to one of 483 00:27:14,030 --> 00:27:15,030 Queen Victoria's kids. 484 00:27:15,370 --> 00:27:16,790 Big family, I'm afraid. 485 00:27:17,130 --> 00:27:19,470 How could they do this to me? It's so rude. 486 00:27:20,130 --> 00:27:23,150 I mean, if they were all hanging around Buckingham Palace waiting for a member 487 00:27:23,150 --> 00:27:26,130 of the House of Ballard to appear, how would they feel? 488 00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:28,620 If I sent him my 23rd cousin. 489 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:29,920 Well, he is royal. 490 00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:33,160 Well, he's just some Johnny Russian looking for a place to dump his mother. 491 00:27:33,580 --> 00:27:34,900 Said we should be a republic. 492 00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:36,660 Oh, God, no, no. 493 00:27:37,340 --> 00:27:38,700 Got to have someone at the top. 494 00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:40,980 Everybody has to have someone to look up to. 495 00:27:41,340 --> 00:27:46,040 If we didn't have our gang, we would be like the Americans, worshipping movie 496 00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:50,040 stars. Or like the French, worshipping chefs and frog's legs. 497 00:27:50,580 --> 00:27:54,060 Or like the Germans, worshipping sausages and lager. 498 00:27:54,380 --> 00:27:55,380 Or like the Italians. 499 00:27:55,870 --> 00:28:02,350 worshipping pasta and sunshine and Chianti and beautiful people 500 00:28:02,350 --> 00:28:08,030 and the limpid waters of the Mediterranean and la dolce vita. 501 00:28:11,430 --> 00:28:12,870 Salute, Tom. 502 00:28:13,270 --> 00:28:14,470 Salute, Diana.