1
00:00:45,770 --> 00:00:51,850
And so I say to you, brothers and
sisters, rejoice and come unto the true

2
00:00:51,850 --> 00:00:58,770
church, my church, the church of the
flaming sword, Las Vegas, which I am

3
00:00:58,770 --> 00:01:01,970
the only resident pastor in Bournemouth.
That's pretty good, eh?

4
00:01:02,410 --> 00:01:06,670
And you're all probably wondering why
you should change church. Well, I'll

5
00:01:06,670 --> 00:01:08,590
you. Because it's free.

6
00:01:08,990 --> 00:01:12,690
You don't have to hand over any cash at
all. Not a penny.

7
00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:18,420
I will simply be deducting a percentage
of your wages. Harvey, you'll burn in

8
00:01:18,420 --> 00:01:22,160
hell. As long as you're not there,
Diana, I can take a bit of burning.

9
00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:23,660
Have you seen Tom?

10
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,800
Not since he was arrested for dangerous
driving.

11
00:01:26,100 --> 00:01:28,620
Not since he parachuted into that tree
over there.

12
00:01:29,020 --> 00:01:30,018
Useless aider.

13
00:01:30,020 --> 00:01:32,100
You've lost one of your best paying
customers.

14
00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:34,760
It's a pity you don't join him.

15
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,380
As I was saying, dear beloved brethren,

16
00:01:46,990 --> 00:01:47,990
Three's a crowd.

17
00:01:51,210 --> 00:01:52,270
Right, Jamie.

18
00:01:52,970 --> 00:01:54,310
Where is Tom?

19
00:01:54,630 --> 00:01:58,170
Do you mind? I was having a conversation
there. Answer the question.

20
00:01:58,570 --> 00:02:00,550
I don't know. You're lying.

21
00:02:00,910 --> 00:02:01,910
Where is he?

22
00:02:02,090 --> 00:02:05,350
Diana, we are in a time of momentous
events.

23
00:02:05,950 --> 00:02:08,130
Harvey has proposed to Jane and been
accepted.

24
00:02:08,350 --> 00:02:10,990
Tom has proposed to you and been
rejected.

25
00:02:11,330 --> 00:02:14,480
And we'll... continue debating. And Tom
thinks you have refused his proposal

26
00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:20,340
because he is not the real macho man
that you crave in your sad and gin

27
00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:21,340
dreams.

28
00:02:21,580 --> 00:02:25,340
Jamie, how far do you want my stick up
your bottom?

29
00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:27,700
Where is Tom?

30
00:02:28,260 --> 00:02:31,700
There's no way I'll tell you. I've been
sworn to secrecy.

31
00:02:32,140 --> 00:02:33,660
My lips are sealed.

32
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,460
Ten quid. He's gone bungee jumping.

33
00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:40,620
Where? He's gone to the car park down by
the pier. Well, come on.

34
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:54,960
Wait here.

35
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:08,340
How does it look?

36
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:10,700
Absolutely terrifying.

37
00:03:13,580 --> 00:03:14,580
Oh, it's you.

38
00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:18,300
Woppo. What are you doing, Tom?

39
00:03:18,900 --> 00:03:22,860
Nothing. I just saw this queue here. I
thought I would join it to see where it

40
00:03:22,860 --> 00:03:25,020
went. I like to court the unexpected.

41
00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:27,760
Are you right out of your mind?

42
00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:29,040
I don't think so.

43
00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:31,880
But then again, would I be the best
judge of that?

44
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,400
Are you seriously going to do this?

45
00:03:36,260 --> 00:03:41,680
Diana, I have climbed the North
Faithfully Eiger, walked up Everest,

46
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:42,680
the North Pole.

47
00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:44,800
That was all in your fat head.

48
00:03:45,300 --> 00:03:49,280
Do you realise what will happen if you
jump from right up there?

49
00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:52,040
Firstly, your heart will conk out.

50
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:56,440
And then when your elastic band comes to
an end, all your bones will crunch up

51
00:03:56,440 --> 00:04:01,400
and you'll end up boinging up and down
as a very saggy dead bag of old prat.

52
00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:05,060
By God, I'll be a man.

53
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:06,800
I see.

54
00:04:07,660 --> 00:04:09,040
That's what this is all about.

55
00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:14,100
I'd rather be a dead hero than not get
my woman.

56
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:15,600
Are you serious?

57
00:04:16,180 --> 00:04:19,019
You would die to prove yourself to me?

58
00:04:19,220 --> 00:04:21,140
It appears I'll probably have to.

59
00:04:27,750 --> 00:04:29,310
Jump. See if I care.

60
00:04:31,350 --> 00:04:33,030
Have a nice death.

61
00:04:34,670 --> 00:04:36,270
If that's what you want.

62
00:04:48,610 --> 00:04:52,350
You can't let him do it. I will not be
blackmailed into marriage.

63
00:05:14,990 --> 00:05:18,070
What daft a thing I do now than I was
daft before.

64
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,260
actually going to do it, won't you? You
left me no choice.

65
00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:52,260
It mattered that much to you? Enough to
top yourself?

66
00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:53,960
I'm an old -fashioned sort of thing.

67
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:55,439
It mattered.

68
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:57,580
Well, it doesn't matter to me.

69
00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:00,360
That's all right. You're the guest of my
fantasy life.

70
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:03,340
You don't have to feel a thing if you
don't want to. Good.

71
00:06:04,220 --> 00:06:05,220
Because I don't.

72
00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:13,040
Olé! Our first bottle of champagne as an
engaged couple.

73
00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:15,100
And you can cut the engaged bit.

74
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,240
We are just getting married, that is
all.

75
00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:22,340
We are not engaged or affianced or any
of the other dilly -dally, fiddle

76
00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:24,320
-faddle, woman's own puke -making
rubbish.

77
00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:27,440
You're so romantic.

78
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:30,080
Here.

79
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:37,800
To you, me and us, may we all three be
very happy together.

80
00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:39,380
Cheers. Cheers.

81
00:06:45,550 --> 00:06:46,550
Just a minute.

82
00:06:47,070 --> 00:06:52,250
Yeah? How come we get back here and you
have champagne on ice?

83
00:06:53,290 --> 00:06:55,110
Um... You knew what was going to happen,
didn't you?

84
00:06:55,530 --> 00:06:59,470
You knew I would come looking for you
and stop you. Not at all.

85
00:06:59,970 --> 00:07:05,250
I always keep a bottle of champagne in
the fridge just in case Dickie

86
00:07:05,250 --> 00:07:06,350
Attenborough comes round.

87
00:07:07,390 --> 00:07:09,350
He must be out of coldies by now.

88
00:07:12,630 --> 00:07:14,610
I don't trust you an inch.

89
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,140
The perfect basis for any marriage.

90
00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:19,140
I'm keeping my own name.

91
00:07:19,420 --> 00:07:20,420
So am I.

92
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:27,460
And you will not refer to me as the
wife, the missus, my other half, her

93
00:07:27,460 --> 00:07:30,600
indoors, or put any other owner's tag on
me.

94
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:32,080
Wouldn't dream of it.

95
00:07:32,380 --> 00:07:36,820
And I keep my own room, all my own
things. I can still come and go, exactly

96
00:07:36,820 --> 00:07:38,460
please. Sounds fine to me.

97
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:39,820
I won't wear a ring.

98
00:07:40,220 --> 00:07:41,320
Whatever you like.

99
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:47,300
And it will be a secret ceremony at dead
of night with no witnesses and you

100
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:49,340
won't tell anyone ever.

101
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:54,380
And the secret of our ridiculous union
will go to the grave with both of us.

102
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:59,300
Ah, well, that might be a problem.

103
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:02,400
Why? Diana, how wonderful!

104
00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:08,600
We're both to be brides. I'm so happy
for you. So happy, happy, happy.

105
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,420
Tom, Diana, what... Wonderful news.

106
00:08:12,260 --> 00:08:13,260
Congratulations.

107
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:14,940
Here's a bottle of champagne.

108
00:08:15,300 --> 00:08:17,220
All the way from sunny Korea.

109
00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:21,320
I suppose you'll both be leaving us now.

110
00:08:21,860 --> 00:08:22,880
What a pity.

111
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:24,660
No, we won't be leaving.

112
00:08:24,980 --> 00:08:26,180
We love it here.

113
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,080
Well, things to be done.

114
00:08:30,020 --> 00:08:31,720
Oh, what a happy couple.

115
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:33,720
Congratulations.

116
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:37,220
Oh, Tom, Diana, I'm just that thrilled.

117
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:41,700
Are you happy, Diana? Yes, yes, yes.
Thank you very much. I'm thrilled to

118
00:08:42,140 --> 00:08:44,960
Just be conned into marriage, just what
I always wanted.

119
00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:47,520
Oh, stop snivelling, Jane.

120
00:08:47,900 --> 00:08:49,520
And stop gushing, Jenny.

121
00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:52,020
And, Jamie, I'll kill you later.

122
00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:54,920
But off you all go. Go on, go away.

123
00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:56,120
Go on.

124
00:08:56,940 --> 00:08:59,160
Did you miss anyone?

125
00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:03,320
I mean, did you tell the newspapers, the
television, the town crier?

126
00:09:03,540 --> 00:09:07,790
I'm sorry, it's just that at our end of
the rainbow, we all need... somewhat

127
00:09:07,790 --> 00:09:11,830
grey and dull lives so that if any one
of us actually hit the pot of gold,

128
00:09:11,950 --> 00:09:14,710
we all want to share in the joy and
happiness.

129
00:09:15,030 --> 00:09:16,070
Joy and happiness?

130
00:09:16,470 --> 00:09:20,870
Is that what all this brings you, Tom?
Yes, huge joy and happiness. If I drop

131
00:09:20,870 --> 00:09:26,830
down dead now, it would be, well, well,
well deserved.

132
00:09:27,950 --> 00:09:30,850
It would be as a fulfilled and happy
man.

133
00:09:31,310 --> 00:09:35,170
What about your late wife? I mean, what
about your beloved Maggie? What would

134
00:09:35,170 --> 00:09:36,290
she think of all this?

135
00:09:36,830 --> 00:09:41,110
Well, if she were alive, she might be a
bit put out, me taking another wife.

136
00:09:41,370 --> 00:09:45,630
But if she's just hovering about in the
local ether, then I'm sure she'll be

137
00:09:45,630 --> 00:09:48,130
having a great laugh and giving us her
blessing.

138
00:09:48,790 --> 00:09:51,290
I can't win, can I? You already have.

139
00:09:52,130 --> 00:09:53,130
You've won me.

140
00:09:57,770 --> 00:10:02,230
Oh, do you know where I'm attacking it?
Say? Well, maybe we should get married

141
00:10:02,230 --> 00:10:06,480
in a castle. Jane, how could you be so
cruel to our Reverend Dennis? We're the

142
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:07,820
only congregation he has.

143
00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:11,100
If we take our business elsewhere,
they'd probably shut him down.

144
00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:15,060
Besides, we have a deal. He does all our
funerals at cost if we keep up the

145
00:10:15,060 --> 00:10:16,060
numbers, OK?

146
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,840
Where do you think we should go on our
honeymoon?

147
00:10:20,260 --> 00:10:21,960
I'm going to St Andrews. Where are you
going?

148
00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:25,980
From the golf club.

149
00:10:26,340 --> 00:10:29,180
Dear Reverend Baines, we always welcome
men of the cloth as members.

150
00:10:29,710 --> 00:10:32,530
At the pure formality, we would be
grateful if you could come to a

151
00:10:32,530 --> 00:10:36,350
committee meeting. I knew the old doggy
car would knock him dead.

152
00:10:36,570 --> 00:10:40,170
Hallelujah! Hooray! It's golfing all the
way!

153
00:10:40,670 --> 00:10:42,210
Ah, here's Nutty Dennis.

154
00:10:47,250 --> 00:10:52,410
Come to a selection committee meeting to
make sure you're not that oily little

155
00:10:52,410 --> 00:10:54,910
git Harvey Baines of Bayview.

156
00:10:55,270 --> 00:10:56,950
You must think we're stupid.

157
00:10:57,710 --> 00:11:01,150
Show your nasty little face round here
and we'll castrate you.

158
00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:03,370
Castrate?

159
00:11:04,310 --> 00:11:05,610
Sprinkle it with sugar.

160
00:11:06,050 --> 00:11:08,910
Hello, Dennis. What brings you here?

161
00:11:09,230 --> 00:11:11,550
The glad tidings. The christenings.

162
00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:13,130
Weddings, Dennis.

163
00:11:13,690 --> 00:11:18,930
Mine and Harvey's and Tom and Diana's.
Oh, very, um... Wonderful?

164
00:11:19,850 --> 00:11:20,850
Unlikely.

165
00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:23,030
Not much room for you, Danny.

166
00:11:23,580 --> 00:11:25,900
Now I've got a collar, I thought I'd do
the ceremony myself.

167
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:27,360
They've a few quid.

168
00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:30,260
You can't marry yourself, Harvey.

169
00:11:30,460 --> 00:11:32,400
I'm not, Jane. I'm marrying you.

170
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:34,980
Oh, yes.

171
00:11:35,220 --> 00:11:39,780
I was telling the bishop about you being
a new addition to our ecclesiastical

172
00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:41,060
rank. I bet he was impressed.

173
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:44,180
Wants me round for sherry at the palace,
eh? Not quite.

174
00:11:44,660 --> 00:11:49,600
He says we don't recognise the Church of
the Flaming Sword, Las Vegas.

175
00:11:49,900 --> 00:11:52,940
So if he hears of you preaching, he'll
have you arrested for fraud.

176
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:56,460
And then he said to say, God bless you.

177
00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:58,980
You want to watch yourself, Dennis.

178
00:11:59,900 --> 00:12:01,240
I've got a big flock here.

179
00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:04,200
I could flog them all off to the
Jehovah's Witnesses.

180
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:07,600
Fascinating man.

181
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:10,220
Now, is it to be a double wedding?

182
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:12,200
No, no.

183
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:14,360
And if you didn't get that, no, no, no.

184
00:12:15,100 --> 00:12:18,560
Triple times no and no returns times
ten.

185
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:20,900
I don't think she's keen on a double
wedding, Jed.

186
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:23,100
I am not keen on any wedding.

187
00:12:23,790 --> 00:12:27,390
Let alone sharing the farce with Minnie
Mouse here and the Gypsy Queen.

188
00:12:28,450 --> 00:12:32,510
I have changed my mind. Our wedding is
off.

189
00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:34,330
Oh, Diana, no!

190
00:12:34,890 --> 00:12:38,990
Before I change, he changes his mind at
least four times an hour. It is off. I

191
00:12:38,990 --> 00:12:39,990
am going to Hawaii.

192
00:12:41,290 --> 00:12:42,710
Surfing. You are not.

193
00:12:43,350 --> 00:12:44,790
I've sent out the invites.

194
00:12:45,070 --> 00:12:48,710
We are in church on the 15th at 2 .30
with bells on.

195
00:12:49,030 --> 00:12:50,290
Well, when are they doing it?

196
00:12:50,910 --> 00:12:51,930
Half an hour before.

197
00:12:52,170 --> 00:12:56,300
What? Well, when... having the same
congregation for both weddings, no point

198
00:12:56,300 --> 00:12:57,980
having to go in twice.

199
00:12:58,700 --> 00:13:03,200
We'll go to theirs, then we'll have a
ten -minute pee break, and then get on

200
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:06,680
with our... I've arranged the whole
thing.

201
00:13:06,900 --> 00:13:10,420
Oh, isn't he marvellous? Aren't you a
lucky ducky?

202
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:16,000
I am under sentence of death.

203
00:13:16,420 --> 00:13:22,060
I'm sure that's not true. I'm sure you
love him to itsy -witsy bits, don't you?

204
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:24,080
Yes?

205
00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:26,660
Isn't this going to be your happiest
day?

206
00:13:27,020 --> 00:13:31,840
Jane, I am a diabetic. Cut the cloying,
sugary stuff or I'll go into a coma.

207
00:13:33,140 --> 00:13:35,740
I am now off to pack my wetsuit.

208
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,260
Do you think she's going to make it?
Hope so.

209
00:13:40,860 --> 00:13:44,900
Ordered her a wedding dress this
morning. You ordered her a wedding

210
00:13:45,740 --> 00:13:46,940
Oh, lovely.

211
00:13:49,420 --> 00:13:50,420
Geoffrey?

212
00:13:50,820 --> 00:13:51,820
Geoffrey!

213
00:13:53,220 --> 00:13:54,220
Jeffrey!

214
00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:57,220
Tom and Diana are getting married!

215
00:13:58,460 --> 00:14:01,400
What are you doing? Jeffrey.

216
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:03,540
Jeffrey? Who's Jeffrey?

217
00:14:03,820 --> 00:14:05,300
You are, for God's sake!

218
00:14:05,660 --> 00:14:07,840
I'm Fat Boy Higgins, your bloke on a
bike.

219
00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,740
Get in! I have had enough of Fat Boy.

220
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:12,240
He smells.

221
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:15,200
He has disgusting bathroom habits.

222
00:14:15,420 --> 00:14:20,140
And he has upset everyone at the tennis
club by waving his fat, white, spotty

223
00:14:20,140 --> 00:14:21,140
back... Hide at them.

224
00:14:21,910 --> 00:14:23,970
I want the real Jeffies back.

225
00:14:24,390 --> 00:14:25,390
Why?

226
00:14:25,730 --> 00:14:29,370
Because Tom and Diana are getting
married.

227
00:14:29,870 --> 00:14:30,930
Well, that's nice, isn't it?

228
00:14:31,190 --> 00:14:32,910
Two old geezers tying a knot.

229
00:14:33,510 --> 00:14:35,610
This old geezer is your father.

230
00:14:35,950 --> 00:14:38,770
If he marries Diana, he will leave
everything to her.

231
00:14:39,130 --> 00:14:40,130
Sounds all right.

232
00:14:40,550 --> 00:14:42,990
You have lost your job. We have no
money.

233
00:14:44,140 --> 00:14:48,340
becoming social lepers. Our one hope of
survival is getting our hands on your

234
00:14:48,340 --> 00:14:49,299
father's income.

235
00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:51,460
We are now in danger of losing that.

236
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,340
What are we going to do?

237
00:14:53,740 --> 00:14:54,760
I don't know. What?

238
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:57,240
We are going to work on Tom.

239
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,320
We are going to stop the wedding.

240
00:15:00,540 --> 00:15:05,520
Marion. I hate it. No, you don't. Oh,
it's just like mine.

241
00:15:05,940 --> 00:15:08,080
Oh, I hate it more than anything on
earth.

242
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:09,680
What? Marion.

243
00:15:10,380 --> 00:15:11,500
Marion, just a minute.

244
00:15:12,099 --> 00:15:14,060
That's my bride -to -be you're talking
about.

245
00:15:14,620 --> 00:15:17,860
Will you kindly not refer to her as the
slut from hell?

246
00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:23,240
I've got a feeling that Marion has some
sort of objection to our wedding.

247
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,080
Are you done yet?

248
00:15:26,420 --> 00:15:27,420
Are you ready for this?

249
00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:28,720
I can't wait.

250
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:29,899
Right -o.

251
00:15:29,900 --> 00:15:33,440
Ladies and gentlemen, people of the
planet Earth, we proudly present...

252
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:03,500
See me, done up like a pubescent
Christmas cracker. But it's wonderful.

253
00:16:03,860 --> 00:16:05,900
I don't know why women dress like this.

254
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:09,040
Pagan sacrifices, that's what brides
are.

255
00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:13,040
Virgin, pure and white. It's a total
male fantasy.

256
00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:16,020
Right, come on, let's get me out of this
rubbish, Jenny.

257
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,120
Well, at least we saw it.

258
00:16:18,380 --> 00:16:20,040
Yes. A moustache.

259
00:16:20,660 --> 00:16:22,880
Oh, he's taking me on a mystery drive.

260
00:16:23,380 --> 00:16:25,980
Probably to buy a huge diamond ring.

261
00:16:26,260 --> 00:16:27,340
See you later.

262
00:16:33,390 --> 00:16:35,430
What? Until after the wedding. It's
traditional.

263
00:16:35,830 --> 00:16:38,990
Since when has that worried you? Well,
since I invited my niece and the baby

264
00:16:38,990 --> 00:16:42,390
Diana to stay in your room. You can stay
in the guest wing with Jamie.

265
00:16:42,730 --> 00:16:43,730
In with Jamie?

266
00:16:44,650 --> 00:16:48,410
But he's always singing Irish songs and
breaking wind.

267
00:16:50,190 --> 00:16:53,090
He makes Danny Boy sound like a tuba
solo.

268
00:16:54,790 --> 00:16:56,790
Hello, my darling. How are you?

269
00:16:57,790 --> 00:16:59,420
Hi. I wasn't talking to you.

270
00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:02,880
How's my baby? She's my baby.

271
00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:07,540
Nonsense. You are merely the breeder. I
am her natural mother.

272
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:12,480
She will carry the tort after I snuff
it. Yes.

273
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:16,560
She will be the leading pain in the bum
for the new generation.

274
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:19,640
She says she wants to be a young
conservative.

275
00:17:21,220 --> 00:17:22,520
Wash your mouth out.

276
00:17:31,850 --> 00:17:33,770
I am living in a nightmare.

277
00:17:34,170 --> 00:17:38,790
I'm being steamrolled into a situation
which is so, again, everything I've ever

278
00:17:38,790 --> 00:17:44,450
stood for, so contrary to every facet of
my nature. I just want to scream and

279
00:17:44,450 --> 00:17:46,310
scream and scream until I die.

280
00:17:47,350 --> 00:17:49,650
Are you saying you're not happy about
getting married?

281
00:17:51,050 --> 00:17:52,810
Is that the impression I get?

282
00:17:54,250 --> 00:17:55,310
I think so.

283
00:17:55,570 --> 00:17:56,850
Then maybe that's what I mean.

284
00:17:57,350 --> 00:17:59,290
Look, why don't you come and sit down?

285
00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:02,510
You must be very uncomfortable with your
knickers in such a nod.

286
00:18:03,970 --> 00:18:05,990
And I'll make us a nice hot cup of gin.

287
00:18:06,330 --> 00:18:09,890
Oh, what am I going to do?

288
00:18:10,850 --> 00:18:12,930
Do you remember before I got married?

289
00:18:13,370 --> 00:18:14,750
To old Flash Harry?

290
00:18:14,950 --> 00:18:17,310
The great love of my life for that
month.

291
00:18:17,690 --> 00:18:20,110
Well, at least he helped create my baby.

292
00:18:20,790 --> 00:18:22,010
It was him, I suppose.

293
00:18:22,570 --> 00:18:23,570
It was.

294
00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:26,450
Even I draw the line at infidelity on
the honeymoon.

295
00:18:26,790 --> 00:18:28,150
You sweet old -fashioned thing.

296
00:18:29,540 --> 00:18:33,020
Anyway, I seem to recall that you were
in hospital having a new leg screwed on.

297
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,640
It was a hip replacement, thank you very
much.

298
00:18:35,940 --> 00:18:40,780
And I came to see you just before my
wedding with a severe case of cold feet.

299
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:42,260
So what did I suggest?

300
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:46,940
Well, you told me that the men you could
have married were always the pirates,

301
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:49,820
the crazies. And you never did because
they were so hopeless.

302
00:18:50,260 --> 00:18:52,520
You also told me that maybe you
regretted it.

303
00:18:52,900 --> 00:18:56,800
I told you my man was a charming crook.
And you said not to make the same

304
00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:59,020
mistake that you did by being
overcautious. So?

305
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:00,459
I married him.

306
00:19:00,460 --> 00:19:04,400
And it was a disaster? He ran off? I was
totally wrong and ruined your life?

307
00:19:04,580 --> 00:19:06,560
Yes. So I couldn't do the same thing to
myself?

308
00:19:07,220 --> 00:19:08,760
No, I didn't mean that at all.

309
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:11,220
I mean, you instinctively knew what was
right.

310
00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:13,580
Don't marry the wild one.

311
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:18,120
Marry the good guy. He may not take your
breath away every time you see him, but

312
00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:19,520
at least he won't break your heart.

313
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:22,880
God, that sounds so exciting.

314
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:25,800
Compromise or die?

315
00:19:26,780 --> 00:19:27,780
Act of life.

316
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:29,560
I chose wrong.

317
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:32,200
Poor old thing.

318
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:35,760
Tom's a lovely man. Yes, I know.

319
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:40,180
And let's face it, how many brandos on
bikes are going to come roaring up your

320
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,180
drive these days?

321
00:19:42,060 --> 00:19:43,060
Thanks, kid.

322
00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:03,440
You'll see.

323
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:05,140
Can't you give me a nice big one?

324
00:20:06,260 --> 00:20:07,660
I beg your pardon?

325
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,000
Ring, Harvey.

326
00:20:09,340 --> 00:20:10,340
Ring who?

327
00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:18,320
Right.

328
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:21,620
Here we are.

329
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:25,840
Oh, Harvey, I don't think we should go
in here. Nonsense, Jane. This is going

330
00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:26,840
be our new club.

331
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:30,060
These people are going to be our new
married friends.

332
00:20:36,750 --> 00:20:37,750
Oh, dear.

333
00:20:40,290 --> 00:20:41,290
Is he all right?

334
00:20:41,690 --> 00:20:45,590
Oh, I'm sure he is. It takes more than a
fractured skull to upset my boy.

335
00:20:45,990 --> 00:20:46,990
Anyone at home?

336
00:20:52,570 --> 00:20:54,170
What are these disgusting clothes?

337
00:20:54,730 --> 00:20:56,290
They're your clothes, fat boy.

338
00:20:57,210 --> 00:20:58,210
Fat boy?

339
00:20:58,990 --> 00:21:00,190
That's a bit rude, Dad.

340
00:21:00,930 --> 00:21:02,070
Why do you think I'm fat?

341
00:21:02,410 --> 00:21:03,990
Well, that's your name, Fat Boy Higgins.

342
00:21:04,490 --> 00:21:05,650
You're a hell's angel.

343
00:21:06,060 --> 00:21:07,060
From Bogner.

344
00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:09,820
Is he out of his mind?

345
00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:11,780
No. You've been out of yours.

346
00:21:12,180 --> 00:21:17,500
For some weeks now, you have been
masquerading as Fat Boy Higgins, the

347
00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:19,820
warrior. I've never heard such nonsense.

348
00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:21,740
God, look at the time.

349
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:23,520
Where's my briefcase?

350
00:21:23,980 --> 00:21:25,200
I'm supposed to be at work.

351
00:21:25,420 --> 00:21:28,600
But, Geoffrey, you don't have a job.
What do you mean I'm second assistant

352
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:31,240
manager Southern Area Fails? Thank you
very much.

353
00:21:31,500 --> 00:21:32,479
You were fired.

354
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:33,480
Nonsense.

355
00:21:33,740 --> 00:21:35,500
I'm a top man in processed cheese.

356
00:21:36,020 --> 00:21:38,460
I invented the thalathane between the
slices.

357
00:21:39,340 --> 00:21:40,960
They don't fire people like me.

358
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:43,160
Did you know that I was getting married,
Geoffrey?

359
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:44,539
Married? Who to?

360
00:21:44,540 --> 00:21:45,760
To Diana, of course.

361
00:21:46,220 --> 00:21:48,780
Really? Oh, that's wonderful, Dan.

362
00:21:49,700 --> 00:21:54,480
Congratulations. I do hope you'll both
be very happy. I must go and tell

363
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:55,820
I just know she'll be thrilled to bits.

364
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:57,240
I wouldn't count on it.

365
00:21:59,220 --> 00:22:00,740
I can't believe this.

366
00:22:01,900 --> 00:22:02,900
This is wrong.

367
00:22:04,110 --> 00:22:05,190
Let the dogs go.

368
00:22:15,310 --> 00:22:16,410
I don't understand.

369
00:22:17,330 --> 00:22:18,510
What's wrong with me?

370
00:22:19,190 --> 00:22:20,750
Why doesn't anyone like me?

371
00:22:27,670 --> 00:22:29,790
There you are, Harvey. Sip it down.

372
00:22:31,130 --> 00:22:33,110
Tea's the best thing for shock.

373
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:34,540
I'm not in shock, Jane.

374
00:22:35,180 --> 00:22:36,540
I'm just a little disappointed.

375
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,500
I get the distinct impression they don't
want me to join their club.

376
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:44,400
Then it's their lot. They didn't even
show any respect for my collar.

377
00:22:45,060 --> 00:22:49,360
Maybe you should get rid of the collar,
Harvey. You know, Jane, I think I'll get

378
00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:50,360
rid of the collar.

379
00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:54,680
Yes, good wince to the Church of the
Flaming Sword, Las Vegas.

380
00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:56,980
Well done, Harvey.

381
00:22:57,360 --> 00:23:00,980
You know, Jane, I was even going to get
married for the Rotten Golf Club.

382
00:23:01,620 --> 00:23:02,620
What do you mean?

383
00:23:02,890 --> 00:23:04,410
I mean, I've been a bit silly poos,
Jane.

384
00:23:04,890 --> 00:23:07,410
I was laying down my life to get into
the club.

385
00:23:08,710 --> 00:23:11,170
So we're not going to get married then?

386
00:23:11,410 --> 00:23:12,410
Of course we are.

387
00:23:13,190 --> 00:23:15,970
That's the only good thing that's come
out of all this. I've got myself a wife

388
00:23:15,970 --> 00:23:19,670
thingy. Oh, you do really love me then.

389
00:23:19,970 --> 00:23:22,470
Let's just enjoy the tax advantages
first, shall we, Jane?

390
00:23:22,950 --> 00:23:25,090
Oh, yes, yes.

391
00:23:25,310 --> 00:23:27,190
I don't ask for the world.

392
00:23:27,490 --> 00:23:30,190
The tax advantages are very...

393
00:23:32,250 --> 00:23:33,250
Jane, Jane.

394
00:23:34,190 --> 00:23:38,650
You know, at the wedding thingy, we have
to... Well, you know, after the I do,

395
00:23:38,730 --> 00:23:41,910
you do bit, we have to sort of kiss.

396
00:23:42,970 --> 00:23:43,970
What?

397
00:23:44,130 --> 00:23:45,130
Kiss.

398
00:23:45,730 --> 00:23:48,770
Oh. Well, I suppose that means you'll
have to touch me.

399
00:23:50,210 --> 00:23:51,210
Normally.

400
00:23:51,370 --> 00:23:57,110
But if you like, I could sort of shield
you with my veil and we could pretend

401
00:23:57,110 --> 00:23:58,350
kiss. No, no, no, no, no.

402
00:23:58,630 --> 00:24:00,790
Maybe we ought to...

403
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:04,060
Well, we don't want to look like amateur
prats, do we?

404
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:06,620
Maybe we ought to get a bit of practice
in.

405
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:08,480
Practice? Well, kissing practice.

406
00:24:08,940 --> 00:24:09,940
Who?

407
00:24:12,060 --> 00:24:14,340
Jane, you may kiss me.

408
00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:18,880
Oh, right.

409
00:24:20,620 --> 00:24:23,360
No, Jane, that's no good. That's not a
proper kiss.

410
00:24:23,940 --> 00:24:27,320
Now, look, I'll show you. Look, I'm
really good at this. Now, you close your

411
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:29,400
eyes, and I'll close mine.

412
00:24:31,630 --> 00:24:32,630
Here we are.

413
00:24:40,610 --> 00:24:43,310
It's good to see you've lost none of the
old magic, huh?

414
00:24:47,070 --> 00:24:49,870
So... Is this all it's been?

415
00:24:50,930 --> 00:24:56,150
A few photographs and a big bag of
questions with no answers attached.

416
00:24:58,090 --> 00:25:00,230
What on earth is the point of this?

417
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:05,720
vast, rich, colourful life, if at the
end you haven't a clue what it's all

418
00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:06,720
leading to.

419
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:12,380
Well, maybe it's just a string of
events.

420
00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:14,960
This happened, and that happened.

421
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:17,020
So what?

422
00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:21,940
It's got to add up to something.

423
00:25:23,180 --> 00:25:24,180
Not necessarily.

424
00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:34,020
Tom, what on earth are you doing there?

425
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:37,720
Sneaky about and eavesdropping. Well,
don't.

426
00:25:38,180 --> 00:25:40,960
I was enjoying your metaphysical
queries.

427
00:25:41,620 --> 00:25:42,780
Got any answers?

428
00:25:43,180 --> 00:25:45,120
Oh, yes, I solved those problems years
ago.

429
00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:46,480
So what's the secret?

430
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:48,760
Don't ask the questions. Go away.

431
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:51,460
It's like matters financial.

432
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:56,760
You haven't the clue, so you employ an
accountant to sort them out. Same as

433
00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:57,760
matters spiritual.

434
00:25:58,510 --> 00:26:03,370
You haven't the clue, so you employ a
god, a faith or whatever to fill in the

435
00:26:03,370 --> 00:26:04,370
forms.

436
00:26:04,550 --> 00:26:05,670
Simplistic twaddle.

437
00:26:06,030 --> 00:26:07,770
Most of us are pretty simple, Diana.

438
00:26:08,170 --> 00:26:13,310
Just animals who are born, join with
another, create our replacements and

439
00:26:13,310 --> 00:26:18,850
die. Which we accept because we know we
have done the full thing. Whereas folk

440
00:26:18,850 --> 00:26:24,910
like you find that they have left out
the two middle steps and gone straight

441
00:26:24,910 --> 00:26:25,910
from birth to death.

442
00:26:26,590 --> 00:26:28,650
Well, they feel a bit cheated, I
suppose.

443
00:26:29,150 --> 00:26:30,150
Oh, I see.

444
00:26:30,190 --> 00:26:33,270
If you don't wed or breed, you lose out,
is that it? Yes.

445
00:26:33,610 --> 00:26:37,090
Oh, well, I'll nip down my quack
tomorrow morning, but I think I might

446
00:26:37,090 --> 00:26:39,630
I've left the nappies and brats bit a
tad too late.

447
00:26:40,290 --> 00:26:41,290
Never mind.

448
00:26:41,610 --> 00:26:45,330
At least you will make it for the
official joining at the hip.

449
00:26:45,710 --> 00:26:46,770
Yes, well, we'll see.

450
00:26:47,170 --> 00:26:52,870
Meanwhile, I have memories to weep over
and a liver to destroy, so shove off.

451
00:26:54,350 --> 00:26:59,310
I'm sick of sharing with Jamie. Well,
Sarah's in your bed, so tough to down.

452
00:26:59,750 --> 00:27:03,430
I can't stand another night with him.
Well, then bunk down on the sofa.

453
00:27:03,890 --> 00:27:05,530
I'm too long for your sofa.

454
00:27:06,490 --> 00:27:09,170
Can't I bunk up with you? No, you can't.
Why not?

455
00:27:09,430 --> 00:27:11,590
Because I am getting married.

456
00:27:11,810 --> 00:27:14,130
I am a virgin, pure and white.

457
00:27:15,750 --> 00:27:20,210
So don't you come your wicked big city
ways with me or I'll get me daddy to put

458
00:27:20,210 --> 00:27:21,530
your tackle in the mangle.

459
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:28,040
I think I'll go and find the park bench.

460
00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:29,720
Tom?

461
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:34,920
Yes?

462
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:38,280
Hop in.

463
00:27:38,460 --> 00:27:39,460
Good idea.

464
00:27:40,060 --> 00:27:41,920
Never know what might happen at our age.

465
00:27:43,020 --> 00:27:46,060
Might as well get in a quick one while
we can.

466
00:27:48,660 --> 00:27:52,200
God, I love Englishmen. They really know
how to seduce a woman.

467
00:27:56,590 --> 00:27:57,970
Are you sitting comfortably?

468
00:27:58,550 --> 00:27:59,730
Yes, Diana.

469
00:28:00,150 --> 00:28:01,490
Then I'll begin.