1 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:50,000 Christmas rubbish. 2 00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:51,300 I'm not listening. 3 00:00:51,580 --> 00:00:52,840 Oh, look at that fairy. 4 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:55,960 You know one or two fairies around here who could do with a tree up there. 5 00:00:55,980 --> 00:00:56,980 That's quite enough. 6 00:00:57,680 --> 00:01:00,280 You'll get a message for obscene mumbling one of these days. 7 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:02,080 You're like a mad old bag lady. 8 00:01:02,460 --> 00:01:04,560 Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas. 9 00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:07,940 That was a good shot. Thank you very much. 10 00:01:11,420 --> 00:01:12,420 Oh, my God. 11 00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:13,780 Quick, cross over. 12 00:01:14,540 --> 00:01:17,760 Who is it? Betty Craddock, contract killer for the Women's Institute. 13 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:25,520 Bolshevik. 14 00:01:29,540 --> 00:01:31,100 Oh, to hell with this. 15 00:01:31,620 --> 00:01:32,620 Let's get a cab. 16 00:01:33,220 --> 00:01:34,220 Christmas shopping. 17 00:01:34,420 --> 00:01:35,420 You'll be lucky. 18 00:01:35,780 --> 00:01:36,920 Yoo -hoo! Tom! 19 00:01:37,220 --> 00:01:38,220 Diana! 20 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:42,400 What's Jane doing with an elderly bookie? 21 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:43,840 Hello! 22 00:01:44,300 --> 00:01:48,340 This is my grandad, Jamie Edwards, from Cork. 23 00:01:48,730 --> 00:01:50,230 He's coming to Bayview for Christmas. 24 00:01:50,630 --> 00:01:53,130 And I'm sure it'll be a wonderful occasion. 25 00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:56,230 It'll be extraordinarily banal and pathetic. 26 00:01:57,130 --> 00:01:58,130 What, how? 27 00:01:58,490 --> 00:01:59,510 Tom Ballard. 28 00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:01,210 Nice to have you aboard. 29 00:02:01,670 --> 00:02:02,670 Diana Trent. 30 00:02:03,390 --> 00:02:04,670 Well, well. 31 00:02:07,430 --> 00:02:09,410 Are there any more like you at home? 32 00:02:09,910 --> 00:02:12,590 Not her. She doesn't like compliments. 33 00:02:13,510 --> 00:02:15,890 All women are beautiful, Jane. 34 00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:18,250 And love being told so. 35 00:02:18,730 --> 00:02:21,770 Not that one. Come along. See you later. 36 00:02:28,730 --> 00:02:29,730 Charming pillow. 37 00:02:49,610 --> 00:02:50,610 Come and hold the ladder, will you? 38 00:02:51,350 --> 00:02:52,350 Of course. 39 00:02:52,610 --> 00:02:54,490 You go and have some tea, Grandad. 40 00:02:54,730 --> 00:02:55,790 Harvey needs me. 41 00:02:56,530 --> 00:02:58,050 He certainly needs something. 42 00:02:58,990 --> 00:03:00,850 What? Nothing, Harvey. 43 00:03:01,830 --> 00:03:03,250 Right -o, I've got you. 44 00:03:03,930 --> 00:03:06,050 And no trying to peer at my trouser legs, Jane. 45 00:03:06,490 --> 00:03:07,490 Harvey, please. 46 00:03:25,540 --> 00:03:29,320 What? Harvey decorating up a ladder. Up a ladder? 47 00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:33,340 Sounds like a chance too good to miss. I'll get the coats. 48 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:37,600 I wonder what the Buddhists are up to at this time of year. 49 00:03:37,900 --> 00:03:43,180 Oh, here we go. I hate Christmas, so let's all get chronically depressed and 50 00:03:43,180 --> 00:03:44,180 our throats. 51 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:46,380 I do wish you'd give me to rest. 52 00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:50,200 Well, this is the high season for the seriously nasty and unpleasant. 53 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:55,640 It's also the season when we remember the universal joy... And rejoicing at 54 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:56,640 Jesus' birth. 55 00:03:56,700 --> 00:03:58,620 Universal? It wasn't universal. 56 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:00,980 The Chinese couldn't give a toss. 57 00:04:01,940 --> 00:04:05,300 They won't suppose they were banging the tanners in the puddings in Baghdad, 58 00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:09,020 either. In Christendom, the rejoicing was universal. 59 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:12,980 No, it wasn't. I have it on very good authority. King Herod was much upset by 60 00:04:12,980 --> 00:04:13,980 the whole thing. 61 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:15,620 Put your coat on. 62 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,120 Some kingdom he had. 63 00:04:18,740 --> 00:04:20,680 Knee deep in soppy shepherds. 64 00:04:21,420 --> 00:04:23,240 All those... All those... 65 00:04:27,180 --> 00:04:29,920 Wise men, my foot. Talk about silly gifts. 66 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:32,780 Gold, frankincense and myrrh. 67 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:34,840 Well, what is myrrh, anyway? 68 00:04:35,620 --> 00:04:37,120 Myrrh. Myrrh. 69 00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:42,360 There's Jesus, barely born, 40 years to become the greatest man that ever lived, 70 00:04:42,380 --> 00:04:43,380 and what do they bring him? 71 00:04:43,540 --> 00:04:45,320 Something unpronounceable from Boots. 72 00:04:46,780 --> 00:04:50,460 You're lucky that God is a forgiving sort of chappy and has a good sense of 73 00:04:50,460 --> 00:04:51,460 humour. Come on. 74 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:54,260 Let's go and upset someone whose name begins with Harvey. 75 00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:59,560 Now, whatever you do, Jane, don't let go of the ladder. 76 00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:02,620 Oh, do be careful. 77 00:05:05,420 --> 00:05:06,980 Almost too easy, isn't it? 78 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,200 Shall we try the old coronary number? 79 00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:14,380 Oh, I think under the circumstances, the old coronary number is compulsory. Away 80 00:05:14,380 --> 00:05:15,380 you go. 81 00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:21,040 This is so tasteless. 82 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:57,080 I'm just kidding. 83 00:05:57,100 --> 00:05:58,100 Oh, 84 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:07,120 God! 85 00:06:08,900 --> 00:06:11,940 You've killed him! What did he land on? His head. 86 00:06:12,220 --> 00:06:13,220 No damage there. 87 00:06:13,620 --> 00:06:14,640 Wake up! 88 00:06:16,380 --> 00:06:17,520 Are you all right? 89 00:06:18,140 --> 00:06:19,180 Of course I am. 90 00:06:19,700 --> 00:06:20,880 I'm absolutely fine. 91 00:06:21,740 --> 00:06:24,260 What a funny little joke that was. 92 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:26,360 Yes, I did enjoy it. 93 00:06:27,900 --> 00:06:29,120 Shall we get married, Jane? 94 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:32,820 Well, we've been messing about for far too long now. 95 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:34,780 Might as well tie the knot, eh? 96 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:36,540 Better get him to hospital. 97 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:38,160 Get him alone! 98 00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:39,840 He's mine! 99 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:41,260 And he's all mine! 100 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:43,200 Come on, Harvey! 101 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:47,540 We'll have a church wedding, Jane. Cake. The full bling. I always look good in a 102 00:06:47,540 --> 00:06:48,760 morning suit. Oh, you do! 103 00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,089 Penguin attack. 104 00:07:01,090 --> 00:07:02,190 Hang on to your loose tail. 105 00:07:04,350 --> 00:07:06,850 Sister Sheila, how lovely to see you again. 106 00:07:07,410 --> 00:07:09,750 You will come and take a dish of tail of us? 107 00:07:09,990 --> 00:07:12,270 Sure, that would be a great pleasure, Tom. 108 00:07:14,310 --> 00:07:15,850 Irish penguin to boot. 109 00:07:16,130 --> 00:07:18,010 Nail down the furniture as well. 110 00:07:20,070 --> 00:07:24,150 I'm sorry, Tom. I didn't quite understand that last point. 111 00:07:24,570 --> 00:07:27,010 What's the problem with me serving in Africa? 112 00:07:27,790 --> 00:07:28,790 Temptation, my dear. 113 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:34,220 you'll be bound to meet a brilliant tropical diseases doctor and find 114 00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:37,700 hopelessly enamoured with him and have to give up your nunship. 115 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:39,360 Nun story. 116 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:42,340 Peter Finch, Audrey Hepburn, 1958. 117 00:07:44,140 --> 00:07:48,460 What a wonderful imagination you have, Tom. Don't encourage him. I've spent the 118 00:07:48,460 --> 00:07:52,220 last few years digging him out of Coldick, dragging him off the top of 119 00:07:52,220 --> 00:07:55,140 and trying to stop his rather unhealthy friendship with a flying doctor. 120 00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:59,420 Stopped if I'm going to start trolling round Uganda dressed up like Julie 121 00:07:59,420 --> 00:08:00,420 Andrews in a bag. 122 00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:05,700 Do please excuse my wife's colourful language. 123 00:08:06,020 --> 00:08:07,940 I'm not your wife. Yes, you are. 124 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:18,480 Sister Sheila, I'm sorry if this offends you or your cloth, but Tom and I are 125 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:21,380 not married, nor ever likely to be. 126 00:08:21,620 --> 00:08:24,340 We are just shacked up together. 127 00:08:28,330 --> 00:08:29,370 Tom, just relax. 128 00:08:29,890 --> 00:08:34,210 You already told me that your wife had died over 15 years ago. 129 00:08:34,490 --> 00:08:39,049 So, unless this is Mrs Lazarus, I doubt very much she's your wife. 130 00:08:40,190 --> 00:08:41,850 I'm his hot bit of fluff. 131 00:08:44,490 --> 00:08:49,010 Frankly, I don't care what you are, so long as you're going to be there to 132 00:08:49,250 --> 00:08:50,250 Help with what? 133 00:08:51,090 --> 00:08:52,410 He hasn't told you. 134 00:08:52,670 --> 00:08:53,970 No, he has not. 135 00:08:55,250 --> 00:08:56,930 Tom, this had better be good. 136 00:08:57,900 --> 00:09:03,400 I just said that we'd arrange some sort of entertainment for the elderly of the 137 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:08,060 parish at Christmas, a nativity play, and you'd be the director. 138 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:09,279 Oh, great. 139 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:10,280 Thanks a bundle. 140 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:15,640 What Tom did not tell you is that not only am I a screaming atheist, but I 141 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:19,600 hate Christmas and all the inherent humbuggery that goes along with it. 142 00:09:20,180 --> 00:09:22,760 Oh, yes, he said you were a foul -mouthed old bat. 143 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:32,680 But you were the only one who could get anyone to walk in a straight line round 144 00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:34,060 here. Yes, well, that is true. 145 00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:35,280 So you'll do it. 146 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:39,080 No, not in a fit. Forget it. OK? You've wasted your time. I'm sorry. 147 00:09:39,740 --> 00:09:40,800 All right, Miss Trent. 148 00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:42,560 Thank you for your time. 149 00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:46,100 Hey, wait a minute. 150 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:50,320 Yes? Are you giving up? But you said you weren't going to do it. But that is not 151 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:50,859 the point. 152 00:09:50,860 --> 00:09:53,220 You can't just fold at the first fence. 153 00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:56,760 Dear God, what do they make nuns out of these days? 154 00:09:58,790 --> 00:10:02,030 In Cambodia, you lot were taking on the most awful problems and battling 155 00:10:02,030 --> 00:10:04,790 through. Nuns were some of my best drinking buddies. 156 00:10:05,190 --> 00:10:07,290 And what are you doing? You're just giving up. 157 00:10:07,710 --> 00:10:11,910 What should I do, then? Well, I don't know. You could, well, use threats or 158 00:10:11,910 --> 00:10:13,270 subtle ploys. 159 00:10:13,470 --> 00:10:15,670 There are a million ways to skin a cat. 160 00:10:15,910 --> 00:10:19,310 Oh, no, it's quite all right. There's plenty of volunteers. 161 00:10:20,310 --> 00:10:22,750 I'll get Jenny Brown to do it. Jenny Brown? 162 00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:25,490 Her eyes don't even look in the same direction. 163 00:10:26,170 --> 00:10:27,610 John Cameron will help. 164 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,060 John Cameron couldn't organise a piss -up in a brewery. 165 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:33,340 Foggy Matthews. He was a quartermaster. 166 00:10:33,660 --> 00:10:36,000 Foggy Matthews is dead, you great Luke. 167 00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:37,860 Betty Craddock of the WA. 168 00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:39,280 Betty Craddock. I'll do it. 169 00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:44,580 If that baggage Craddock gets it, she'll be gloating all over Bournemouth. I 170 00:10:44,580 --> 00:10:46,180 will do it. Thank you. God bless you. Goodbye. 171 00:10:51,340 --> 00:10:52,340 Hang on a minute. 172 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:56,200 What just happened? I think a cat has just been skinned. 173 00:11:03,470 --> 00:11:04,470 Thank you. 174 00:11:04,910 --> 00:11:06,990 What's this, Geoffrey? He's a changed man. 175 00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:09,910 Harvey! Oh, hello, Tom. 176 00:11:10,190 --> 00:11:11,129 Hi, Diana. 177 00:11:11,130 --> 00:11:13,850 Oh, look, there's good old Geoffrey. How's your lovely, charming wife? 178 00:11:14,170 --> 00:11:16,530 I haven't got a lovely, charming wife. I've got to marry him. 179 00:11:16,730 --> 00:11:17,990 You know I'm getting married. 180 00:11:18,210 --> 00:11:19,210 Really? Who to? 181 00:11:19,350 --> 00:11:20,670 To Jane. Jane who? 182 00:11:21,470 --> 00:11:22,470 Jane Edward. 183 00:11:23,170 --> 00:11:24,170 Isn't that your name? 184 00:11:24,450 --> 00:11:25,450 Yes. 185 00:11:26,550 --> 00:11:27,550 Any relation? 186 00:11:28,130 --> 00:11:32,000 Oh. Come along, Harvey. We have to have the bands read. What fun. 187 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:35,520 Look, do enjoy your day. You'll find the food is much improved since I doubled 188 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:36,520 the catering budget. 189 00:11:36,580 --> 00:11:38,160 Diana, is there anything I can do for you? 190 00:11:38,460 --> 00:11:39,500 Truck yourself onto a bus. 191 00:11:40,060 --> 00:11:42,260 OK. Oh, come along, Harvey. 192 00:11:42,620 --> 00:11:43,499 Bye, all. 193 00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:44,500 Just be happy. 194 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,080 Maybe I should try dropping Marion on her head. 195 00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:49,380 Yes, all right, thank you. Can we get on with this meeting? 196 00:11:49,870 --> 00:11:52,690 Right, now, first things first, the script. Tom, you're going to have to 197 00:11:52,690 --> 00:11:54,150 the script. Is that all right? The script, okay. 198 00:11:54,390 --> 00:11:58,790 Right, and I am going to be the director of this epic stage production, Jesus, 199 00:11:58,910 --> 00:11:59,950 the Early Years. 200 00:12:01,050 --> 00:12:02,550 It's called The Nativity. 201 00:12:02,830 --> 00:12:06,090 Right, now, my niece's child, the baby Diana, will play the baby Jesus. 202 00:12:06,350 --> 00:12:07,650 But isn't she a girl? 203 00:12:07,910 --> 00:12:11,450 Well, I hope so. Boys called Diana tend to lead somewhat turbulent lives. 204 00:12:12,010 --> 00:12:14,650 But Jesus is a boy. You can't have a star part. 205 00:12:15,050 --> 00:12:16,990 Played by a girl. It's not a pantomime. 206 00:12:17,190 --> 00:12:20,470 It doesn't matter. She'll be all wrapped up in swaddling clothes, whatever the 207 00:12:20,470 --> 00:12:21,289 hell they are. 208 00:12:21,290 --> 00:12:22,770 Clothes you get swaddled in. 209 00:12:25,890 --> 00:12:31,330 Well, now, Tom, you, Basil, and Jamie the Blarney here will be playing the 210 00:12:31,330 --> 00:12:32,089 wise men. 211 00:12:32,090 --> 00:12:37,110 You know that Basil's gone off on an Icelandic wife -swapping cruise, but he 212 00:12:37,110 --> 00:12:38,170 hasn't got a wife to swap. 213 00:12:38,990 --> 00:12:40,170 He's taken his teddy. 214 00:12:41,950 --> 00:12:45,860 He is due back in plenty of time. and so we will rehearse without him. Now then, 215 00:12:45,940 --> 00:12:47,640 the casting of the Virgin Mary. 216 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:48,960 How about Marion? 217 00:12:51,820 --> 00:12:52,799 Perhaps not. 218 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:57,120 The Virgin Mary will be played by the child's mother, Sarah, and Geoffrey, you 219 00:12:57,120 --> 00:13:01,120 will play Joseph and a couple of shepherds, and Marion will play the 220 00:13:01,300 --> 00:13:02,279 OK? 221 00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:04,140 Fine, Marion's always at home in a pub. 222 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,060 Who's going to play the ass? 223 00:13:07,460 --> 00:13:09,020 Most of the cast, I should imagine. 224 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:12,860 Jamie, Jamie, you're going to look wonderful. 225 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:16,500 I just don't think you should have asked the assistant if she wanted to be a 226 00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:18,860 bridesmaid. You look lovely. 227 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:23,120 People are such nice creatures. I love them all. No, you don't. You only love 228 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:24,120 me. 229 00:13:28,380 --> 00:13:31,740 We're responsible for that. We ought to do something about it. Nonsense, he's 230 00:13:31,740 --> 00:13:33,480 asked. A manium is what he's always wanted. 231 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:37,100 But he's concussed. His mind is in an altered state. 232 00:13:37,380 --> 00:13:38,380 So what now? 233 00:13:38,740 --> 00:13:41,040 Well, if he were in one of the best films... 234 00:13:41,290 --> 00:13:43,970 He'll get another bang on the head that will bring him back to normal. Yes, but 235 00:13:43,970 --> 00:13:47,090 we're not in one of the best films. We're in a Daffy Duck cartoon. 236 00:13:47,770 --> 00:13:49,050 Oh, that's rehearsal time. 237 00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:12,920 Get behind the desk. 238 00:14:13,140 --> 00:14:15,040 Right, where's the baby? 239 00:14:15,460 --> 00:14:16,460 Here she is. 240 00:14:16,660 --> 00:14:22,900 Oh, hello, my little munchkin. Little munchkin, yes. 241 00:14:23,420 --> 00:14:25,100 Isn't the baby supposed to be newborn? 242 00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:30,340 So? Well, baby Diana's about 27 now. 243 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:32,480 She's 18 months. 244 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,300 why they're looking for a place. 245 00:14:44,620 --> 00:14:50,660 Jane, you are a shepherd, so shut your face and shep. 246 00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:55,900 Is she right? Is that in the script? 247 00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,020 Afraid so, and a lot of people know the story. 248 00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:00,780 Can't really mess around with it. 249 00:15:03,060 --> 00:15:06,180 Okay, dump the baby, shove something up your jumper. 250 00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:10,910 I'm so glad I came. 251 00:15:11,270 --> 00:15:12,430 It's all right, all right, all right. 252 00:15:14,470 --> 00:15:21,110 Now... Mary and Joseph arrive at the pub 253 00:15:21,110 --> 00:15:23,830 and... Action! 254 00:15:26,450 --> 00:15:30,290 Oh... Oh, golly, I'm so tired. 255 00:15:30,610 --> 00:15:33,990 It's been such a long walk from where the week came from. 256 00:15:34,490 --> 00:15:37,090 I couldn't remember where they were coming from. 257 00:15:40,670 --> 00:15:43,970 Nazareth? And the town is really full. 258 00:15:44,530 --> 00:15:46,410 And we can't get in anywhere. 259 00:15:46,970 --> 00:15:51,910 Oh, woe is us. And especially me with the new Messiah in my tum -tum. 260 00:15:53,410 --> 00:15:54,910 I like that bit. 261 00:15:56,070 --> 00:15:57,930 Get on with it. 262 00:15:58,450 --> 00:15:59,450 Right. 263 00:16:16,590 --> 00:16:18,010 Will you please get on? 264 00:16:19,710 --> 00:16:20,970 What do you want? 265 00:16:23,870 --> 00:16:30,390 Oh, um, do you have a room, kind sir, for a weary couple who have walked for 266 00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:32,650 miles from... Nazareth? 267 00:16:33,810 --> 00:16:36,870 Nazareth, and are about to have a baby? 268 00:16:37,150 --> 00:16:38,150 Double or single? 269 00:16:38,510 --> 00:16:41,030 What? TV, minibus? 270 00:16:42,770 --> 00:16:45,010 Jacuzzi, room service, in -house video? 271 00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:48,780 Jeffrey, will you put your wife back on her lead? 272 00:16:49,420 --> 00:16:51,600 Marion, you're not supposed to have any rooms. 273 00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:54,560 Oh, OK. 274 00:16:55,020 --> 00:16:56,760 We haven't got any rooms. 275 00:16:57,300 --> 00:16:58,300 Shovel. 276 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:01,160 Stable, Marion? 277 00:17:01,580 --> 00:17:03,860 No. Pretty wobbly, actually. 278 00:17:04,839 --> 00:17:06,260 A stinking headache. 279 00:17:07,819 --> 00:17:10,500 I think I'll have a gin and lie down. 280 00:17:10,940 --> 00:17:12,040 See you at the premiere. 281 00:17:18,319 --> 00:17:21,280 That Dickie Attenborough doesn't have to cope with all this fiddle -assing 282 00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:23,940 about. I should have left it to Betty Craddock. 283 00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:32,240 How's this? 284 00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:36,300 You look like Marvo, the magician. 285 00:17:36,980 --> 00:17:39,680 The costume places around wise men outfits. 286 00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:43,980 Jamie got there first, and it was this or Robin Hood. 287 00:17:44,580 --> 00:17:47,640 I'm in a class and all the doors are jammed shut. 288 00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:50,620 There's another problem, too. I don't wish to know. 289 00:17:50,940 --> 00:17:52,720 Jane wants me to give her away. 290 00:17:53,140 --> 00:17:54,140 What did you say? 291 00:17:54,260 --> 00:17:56,280 I said you'd talk to her. Oh, no, you don't. 292 00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:57,860 This is a moral dilemma. 293 00:17:58,280 --> 00:17:59,360 That's all your field. 294 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:01,860 Hello. Oh, and here she comes. You deal with it. 295 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:03,800 Oh, hello, Tom. 296 00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:05,240 You look like a magician. 297 00:18:06,820 --> 00:18:09,480 You look like a 1950s air hostess. 298 00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:12,000 What's with all the flesh clobber? 299 00:18:12,420 --> 00:18:14,000 It's my going -away suit. 300 00:18:14,980 --> 00:18:16,260 For after the wedding. 301 00:18:17,060 --> 00:18:18,060 Jane. 302 00:18:18,830 --> 00:18:21,350 He has to talk to you. Tom has to talk to you. 303 00:18:22,430 --> 00:18:24,510 Jane, do sit down. 304 00:18:24,930 --> 00:18:28,210 I've only got a minute before my next gown fitting. 305 00:18:28,730 --> 00:18:30,070 Oh, isn't it wonderful? 306 00:18:30,730 --> 00:18:34,690 Jane, there is something we have to discuss about this wedding thingy. 307 00:18:35,210 --> 00:18:39,290 Now, if I'm going to give you away, I shall be acting in loco parentis. 308 00:18:39,630 --> 00:18:41,270 Particular emphasis on the loco. 309 00:18:42,450 --> 00:18:47,730 Diana, and as such, there are certain things I feel obliged to say to you. 310 00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:49,410 It's all right, Tom. 311 00:18:49,830 --> 00:18:51,550 I know all about it. 312 00:18:52,210 --> 00:18:53,370 All about what? 313 00:18:53,910 --> 00:18:54,910 It. 314 00:18:55,370 --> 00:18:59,390 It? What it? The wedding night. It. 315 00:18:59,730 --> 00:19:00,910 Oh, my God. 316 00:19:02,030 --> 00:19:03,630 I have a little book. 317 00:19:03,850 --> 00:19:09,210 My great -aunt gave it to me. She said it got her through her time of duty and 318 00:19:09,210 --> 00:19:10,770 anguish. It. 319 00:19:12,290 --> 00:19:15,530 Advice to young brides by Merica Rubber. 320 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:19,180 1893. It's very informative. 321 00:19:20,180 --> 00:19:21,580 The wedding night. 322 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:23,660 Dismissing your maid. 323 00:19:24,100 --> 00:19:25,600 Lowering the gaslight. 324 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:27,460 Thinking of England. 325 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,720 Smelling thought. Sounds good stuff. 326 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:55,080 Marriage has to be entered into in a spirit of mutual trust. 327 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:56,400 I don't know what you mean. 328 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,940 It means you can't just grab a bloke with concussion and whip him off for a 329 00:19:59,940 --> 00:20:00,779 quick marriage. 330 00:20:00,780 --> 00:20:04,060 He's not normal right now. He's being nice to everyone. 331 00:20:04,260 --> 00:20:05,820 Especially everyone in Skirk. 332 00:20:06,060 --> 00:20:08,580 God, if you have bridesmaids, you'll never make it up the aisle. 333 00:20:08,780 --> 00:20:10,100 He is quite normal. 334 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:14,060 It was the previous Harvey who wasn't the normal Harvey. 335 00:20:14,620 --> 00:20:19,100 But I would be very grateful if you would leave us alone and mind... 336 00:20:26,540 --> 00:20:29,320 He must have come into this picture after the intermission. 337 00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:32,560 Tom, this is not a movie. This is real life. 338 00:20:32,820 --> 00:20:33,820 Are you sure? No. 339 00:20:35,260 --> 00:20:37,940 So what do we do? I don't... Yes, you were right. 340 00:20:38,340 --> 00:20:40,660 We give him another bang on the head. 341 00:20:59,110 --> 00:21:00,950 snit as the grandson -in -law. 342 00:21:01,570 --> 00:21:02,570 Here he comes. 343 00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:06,890 Get the ball. 344 00:21:10,590 --> 00:21:12,070 You can't do that. 345 00:21:12,430 --> 00:21:14,570 There's 20 pounds of gravel in there. 346 00:21:28,490 --> 00:21:29,490 I still am, Tom. 347 00:21:29,730 --> 00:21:32,870 Okay. Then head this into the gold. 348 00:22:14,190 --> 00:22:15,190 He's still in Iceland. 349 00:22:15,510 --> 00:22:18,850 What? Dear Tom, heading north with Eskimo Nell, happy Christmas. 350 00:22:19,750 --> 00:22:21,770 That means we've only got two wise men. 351 00:22:22,510 --> 00:22:23,510 Well, 352 00:22:23,790 --> 00:22:25,230 you and Jamie will have to keep moving. 353 00:22:25,450 --> 00:22:28,370 Good house. 354 00:22:28,630 --> 00:22:30,210 New York Times gave us a plug. 355 00:22:30,530 --> 00:22:32,210 Technical transfer to the West End. 356 00:22:32,450 --> 00:22:34,350 Oh, we need two good songs and a nude scene. 357 00:22:34,630 --> 00:22:36,250 A nude scene, that's a good idea. 358 00:22:36,570 --> 00:22:38,970 Hey, Sarah, how do you feel about taking your clothes off? Perfect. 359 00:22:40,890 --> 00:22:43,310 We could have a nude wedding. That's enough. 360 00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:47,080 of naked bridesmaids. Oh, stop it! And a naked vicar and a good old -fashioned 361 00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:49,140 niece of orgy. Oh, you're disgusting! 362 00:22:51,940 --> 00:22:52,940 Jane, 363 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:54,219 you've touched me. 364 00:22:54,220 --> 00:22:55,220 Oh, dear. 365 00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:57,560 You haven't changed, have you? 366 00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:00,640 Changed? Of course I haven't changed. 367 00:23:01,180 --> 00:23:02,880 So the wedding's still on? 368 00:23:03,900 --> 00:23:04,900 What wedding? 369 00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:06,160 Your wedding! 370 00:23:07,140 --> 00:23:08,140 Our wedding! 371 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:10,840 Oh, sure, our wedding's still on, Jane. 372 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:14,400 The same day the Martians landed at Bayview. 373 00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:17,780 What's the matter with you? You banged your head or something? 374 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:21,020 My life is over! 375 00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:24,160 Your life has been saved. 376 00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:36,760 Ladies and gentlemen, it's so lovely that you could all make it to this 377 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,180 wonderful event. 378 00:23:38,700 --> 00:23:41,520 And I'm sure that you all have a lovely time. 379 00:23:42,010 --> 00:23:47,570 as we watch the Bayview Retirement Homes production of The Christmas Story. 380 00:23:48,790 --> 00:23:50,570 Over to you, Bayview. 381 00:26:27,530 --> 00:26:28,810 just on a slower camel. 382 00:26:29,010 --> 00:26:33,510 Get off! I know that voice. 383 00:27:20,490 --> 00:27:21,490 I usually do. 384 00:27:22,690 --> 00:27:25,070 Well, I'm sure the insurance will cover it. 385 00:27:25,450 --> 00:27:27,150 Place needed a new roof, anyway. 386 00:27:28,230 --> 00:27:29,230 What? 387 00:27:29,470 --> 00:27:32,350 Yes, yes, I thought the police were rather nice, too. 388 00:27:33,450 --> 00:27:34,450 All right, then. 389 00:27:34,930 --> 00:27:35,930 Bye -bye. 390 00:27:36,770 --> 00:27:40,910 Oh, well, so much for my career as the Andrew Lloyd Webber of Bayview. 391 00:27:41,770 --> 00:27:44,750 It's God's vengeance on you for taking his story in vain. 392 00:27:45,090 --> 00:27:46,610 Oh, is he? So he thinks Betty... 393 00:27:53,230 --> 00:27:54,270 suffering from cutbacks. 394 00:27:54,530 --> 00:27:57,490 Oh, if only you had believed, Diana. 395 00:27:58,570 --> 00:28:03,370 If only you had a little faith. If only you had relaxed and let it all sweep 396 00:28:03,370 --> 00:28:07,230 over you, the joy, the mystery, the happiness. 397 00:28:07,690 --> 00:28:08,970 It could all be yours. 398 00:28:10,370 --> 00:28:16,770 All you have to do is reach out, open your heart, and let it all 399 00:28:16,770 --> 00:28:17,810 flow in. 400 00:28:19,410 --> 00:28:20,410 What do you say? 401 00:28:22,060 --> 00:28:23,060 Open my heart. 402 00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:24,640 Join the human race. 403 00:28:24,940 --> 00:28:26,740 Let it all flow in. 404 00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:28,220 Feel the warmth. 405 00:28:28,820 --> 00:28:31,120 Tom, come here. 406 00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:35,560 No, no, closer. 407 00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:37,500 I want to say something to you. 408 00:28:39,180 --> 00:28:40,580 Sweet nothings. 409 00:28:42,660 --> 00:28:43,660 Merry Christmas!