1
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,640
You may laugh, you may jeer, but it's
true.

2
00:00:50,900 --> 00:00:54,320
A prostate op can work wonders for your
sex life, you know.

3
00:00:55,300 --> 00:00:56,300
No, really.

4
00:00:56,480 --> 00:01:01,000
I wake up every morning with all the
hard work already done, ready to go.

5
00:01:01,420 --> 00:01:02,960
No, no, no, no.

6
00:01:03,580 --> 00:01:05,300
You asked Dave Cartwright.

7
00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:09,120
After his prostate, he thought it was
Christmas every day.

8
00:01:10,180 --> 00:01:11,420
You asked Dave.

9
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:16,000
Basil, he can't ask Dave Cartwright.
This is Dave's wake.

10
00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:17,790
Oh, so it is.

11
00:01:18,030 --> 00:01:19,070
Good old Dave.

12
00:01:19,310 --> 00:01:22,370
I bet they had a job to get his lid
down. Come,

13
00:01:24,590 --> 00:01:26,050
get on with it.

14
00:01:26,270 --> 00:01:28,890
Ladies and gentlemen, and Diana.

15
00:01:29,730 --> 00:01:31,030
Pick any two.

16
00:01:31,930 --> 00:01:36,790
Let us raise our glasses in memory of
Dave Cartwright, who was not only a fine

17
00:01:36,790 --> 00:01:42,250
chappy, but also left us 200 pounds so
that we could, in his own words, get

18
00:01:42,250 --> 00:01:43,750
legless in his memory.

19
00:01:51,820 --> 00:01:52,539
What's going on?

20
00:01:52,540 --> 00:01:53,499
Hello, Harvey.

21
00:01:53,500 --> 00:01:55,100
You're looking very pretty today.

22
00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:56,360
You're welcome.

23
00:01:56,860 --> 00:01:57,860
Thank you, Diana.

24
00:01:58,060 --> 00:02:00,680
It's Dave Cartwright's memorial party.

25
00:02:01,060 --> 00:02:03,000
Well, it shouldn't be. Why not, Harvey?

26
00:02:03,300 --> 00:02:05,200
Well, look at them all. They're having a
good time. They're drinking.

27
00:02:05,540 --> 00:02:08,080
Well, they are all over 21, Harvey.

28
00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:12,200
Excuse me. If I could have a bit of
money, please.

29
00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:14,520
Hello? Jane.

30
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:16,000
Quiet!

31
00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:19,440
What, Harvey?

32
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:23,480
Would you like a drink? to celebrate
Cartwright's last stand?

33
00:02:23,820 --> 00:02:27,960
Oh, perhaps you'd care for a drink to
celebrate those lovely new uplift shoes

34
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:28,960
yours.

35
00:02:29,020 --> 00:02:32,440
As it happens, I do not drink in the
middle of the day. That's because he's

36
00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:34,360
usually in his coffin until sunset.

37
00:02:35,380 --> 00:02:37,080
Excuse me, no, excuse me.

38
00:02:37,860 --> 00:02:39,880
I don't know what got into you all.

39
00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:41,920
Whiskey, mainly, and a spot of
champagne.

40
00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:45,920
You're senior citizens, but you're
behaving like teenagers.

41
00:02:46,260 --> 00:02:48,980
No, no, and not just here and now,
either. At night, too.

42
00:02:49,500 --> 00:02:50,319
Oh, yes.

43
00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:51,720
I know what goes on.

44
00:02:52,100 --> 00:02:53,100
I'm not stupid.

45
00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:54,800
Oh, yes you are.

46
00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:56,120
Oh, no, I'm not.

47
00:03:18,860 --> 00:03:19,860
nothing. And why?

48
00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:22,280
Why? Because I'm a nice guy.

49
00:03:22,620 --> 00:03:24,940
Oh, yes, I am.

50
00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:29,320
This is the dining room.

51
00:03:30,180 --> 00:03:34,000
It is the focal point of this haven of
gentility we call Bayview.

52
00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:36,440
It isn't for carousing.

53
00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:38,260
Oh, my God.

54
00:03:39,460 --> 00:03:41,440
Come here.

55
00:03:42,700 --> 00:03:45,300
Listen, you dismal little Gucci fucker.

56
00:03:45,540 --> 00:03:48,300
How many times does it have to be dinned
into that?

57
00:03:48,590 --> 00:03:52,870
like brain of yours that we are the
paying customers. You are the staff.

58
00:03:53,130 --> 00:03:55,910
And as such, you do not talk to us like
naughty children.

59
00:03:56,170 --> 00:03:59,650
I just think you ought to know where to
draw the line. Oh, will you tell us

60
00:03:59,650 --> 00:04:00,770
where and when, Harvey?

61
00:04:01,010 --> 00:04:04,510
At what age are we supposed to stop
enjoying ourselves, hmm?

62
00:04:04,750 --> 00:04:06,790
What is the final hour for drinks?

63
00:04:06,990 --> 00:04:10,390
What is the date of the last good rumpy
-pumpy?

64
00:04:11,810 --> 00:04:13,350
There is no such time.

65
00:04:13,850 --> 00:04:18,029
We are still allowed to enjoy ourselves
in whatever way we damn well please.

66
00:04:18,430 --> 00:04:23,230
Be it going catatonic with our memories
or reveling on nights with our chums.

67
00:04:23,270 --> 00:04:25,210
Right? Yes, Diana.

68
00:04:25,410 --> 00:04:26,410
Right.

69
00:04:27,470 --> 00:04:29,510
Just carry on.

70
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:31,330
Congratulate everybody.

71
00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:37,770
I can't fight so I can't. I can't fight
so I can't.

72
00:04:47,050 --> 00:04:49,390
Yeah, they're going to end up all over
the town again.

73
00:04:49,670 --> 00:04:51,530
At least they've got all their clothes
on this time.

74
00:04:51,950 --> 00:04:54,590
We've never had behaviour like this
before.

75
00:04:54,950 --> 00:04:58,150
I suppose that's what Marie Antoinette
said as they were slicing off her head.

76
00:04:58,390 --> 00:04:59,390
Yes.

77
00:04:59,470 --> 00:05:01,410
It's the first sign of revolution, Jane.

78
00:05:01,690 --> 00:05:07,410
As the population grows older and we
increase in number, the GLF will strike.

79
00:05:07,710 --> 00:05:10,850
Who? Geriatric Liberation Front.

80
00:05:11,070 --> 00:05:15,430
We hear terrorists forcing people to
play bridge at gunpoint.

81
00:05:16,990 --> 00:05:19,390
Jumbo jets hijacked a Torquay.

82
00:05:20,090 --> 00:05:25,510
Riots in the stadiums of Europe as dry
sherry louts throw bottles of Lucozade

83
00:05:25,510 --> 00:05:27,150
the lawn's bulls finals.

84
00:05:28,290 --> 00:05:30,590
I think you've had more than Lucozade
today.

85
00:05:30,970 --> 00:05:32,410
Yep. Boozing.

86
00:05:32,830 --> 00:05:36,150
I may take it up as a hobby. I used to
be rather good at it, you know.

87
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,630
Why don't you try dancing off the
effects?

88
00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:49,640
If I kick my leg up, the bloody thing
would probably fly off.

89
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:04,680
Itching.

90
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:11,420
Itching. Itching.

91
00:06:14,020 --> 00:06:15,180
Tom's hippie rubbish.

92
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:43,160
Oh, I shouldn't drink in the

93
00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:44,160
daytime.

94
00:06:57,100 --> 00:06:58,100
Noddy time.

95
00:07:00,580 --> 00:07:01,580
Morning.

96
00:07:05,220 --> 00:07:06,320
Morning, Diana.

97
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,520
Well, what a to -do last night.

98
00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:13,140
Harvey was right. He usually is.

99
00:07:14,140 --> 00:07:15,900
Everyone gets a bit tiddly.

100
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:17,480
What happened?

101
00:07:17,780 --> 00:07:20,420
We have to have the doctor for Clifford
Lutton.

102
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:25,860
Suffering from acute retention of wine.

103
00:07:29,390 --> 00:07:36,210
Imagine trying to sleep up a tree
wearing only a baby doll nightie. I

104
00:07:36,210 --> 00:07:42,350
where I got that from, but Bi Phillips
is looking very sheepish today.

105
00:07:42,950 --> 00:07:45,010
Well, I think it's all a bit much.

106
00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:00,680
You come in. I've just made a cup of
tea.

107
00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:01,920
Would you like one?

108
00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:05,360
Actually, I won't stop, because I've got
to pick up Horace Wilmot from the

109
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:08,240
laundrette. Spent the night in a tumble
dryer?

110
00:08:09,580 --> 00:08:11,460
And I can't find Diana anywhere.

111
00:08:11,980 --> 00:08:15,460
She doesn't seem to be in her room, and
her bed doesn't seem to have been slept

112
00:08:15,460 --> 00:08:16,900
in. No, I don't suppose it does.

113
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:07,440
Am I dead?

114
00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:08,760
Far from it.

115
00:09:09,580 --> 00:09:10,760
Tom. That's me.

116
00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:13,200
What are you doing in my room?

117
00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:14,420
You're in my room.

118
00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:15,440
What?

119
00:09:15,500 --> 00:09:16,500
In my bed.

120
00:09:18,860 --> 00:09:19,860
Bonjour, no?

121
00:09:25,380 --> 00:09:32,040
Would you like a cup of tea? Don't
change the subject.

122
00:09:37,260 --> 00:09:38,260
my nightie?

123
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:39,600
On top of the wardrobe.

124
00:09:42,860 --> 00:09:45,260
How could you? How could you?

125
00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:46,920
Well, I didn't.

126
00:09:47,780 --> 00:09:48,780
Do you promise?

127
00:09:49,140 --> 00:09:55,840
Well, only once. That is if you're
referring to what I think you're

128
00:09:56,220 --> 00:10:00,360
No. No, I'm not. I'm sure I'm not. We're
always talking at cross purposes.

129
00:10:00,580 --> 00:10:02,200
I must have been talking about something
else.

130
00:10:02,540 --> 00:10:04,520
Well, I didn't do something else.

131
00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:06,920
Other than what?

132
00:10:07,230 --> 00:10:08,149
I don't know.

133
00:10:08,150 --> 00:10:09,990
Whatever you want. It's your question.

134
00:10:11,290 --> 00:10:12,290
Tom.

135
00:10:12,470 --> 00:10:13,470
Yes, Diana.

136
00:10:13,890 --> 00:10:20,790
Whatever I'm doing here, whatever we
did, we didn't make

137
00:10:20,790 --> 00:10:21,629
love, did we?

138
00:10:21,630 --> 00:10:23,390
Oh, yes, we did that. Oh, my God.

139
00:10:25,670 --> 00:10:27,510
Is there some kind of problem?

140
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:28,910
Yes, of course there is.

141
00:10:29,550 --> 00:10:32,890
There's you and me and... and sex.

142
00:10:35,430 --> 00:10:36,650
My God.

143
00:10:38,190 --> 00:10:39,770
You took advantage of me.

144
00:10:40,870 --> 00:10:41,729
Did I?

145
00:10:41,730 --> 00:10:44,330
You are a total and utter swine.

146
00:10:44,970 --> 00:10:45,970
That's a bit strong.

147
00:10:46,330 --> 00:10:50,730
Well, a woman takes refuge in your room,
goes to sleep in your bed, and you come

148
00:10:50,730 --> 00:10:53,310
in and take her, use her.

149
00:10:53,590 --> 00:10:54,690
You should be in jail.

150
00:10:56,250 --> 00:10:58,830
Diana. This is the end of everything,
Tom.

151
00:10:59,230 --> 00:11:02,110
Diana. You were my friend. I trusted
you.

152
00:11:02,470 --> 00:11:03,870
How could you do it?

153
00:11:04,110 --> 00:11:06,150
Well, not without help.

154
00:11:16,270 --> 00:11:20,490
and found you in my bed, so I went to
sleep in the armchair, where you woke me

155
00:11:20,490 --> 00:11:23,230
up and delivered me a long carpe diem
lecture.

156
00:11:23,730 --> 00:11:29,190
We have only got a few happy times in
our lives, and we've got to grab them by

157
00:11:29,190 --> 00:11:30,190
both hands.

158
00:11:30,650 --> 00:11:31,650
So you did.

159
00:11:35,190 --> 00:11:37,210
My eyeballs nearly popped out.

160
00:11:40,630 --> 00:11:41,930
Oh, God.

161
00:11:42,570 --> 00:11:45,010
That was my early feminist speech.

162
00:11:45,770 --> 00:11:49,610
Every time I fancied a chap and didn't
have time for the usual fiddle -faddle,

163
00:11:49,670 --> 00:11:54,010
I'd tub -thump on about how women should
be allowed to take the lead in anything

164
00:11:54,010 --> 00:11:55,010
they damn well pleased.

165
00:11:55,930 --> 00:11:59,690
Oh, as soon as they said such -as, they
were gone as basket -cases by breakfast

166
00:11:59,690 --> 00:12:04,130
time. Yes, oh, I think I popped a few
rivets myself.

167
00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:08,610
God, Tom, I am so sorry.

168
00:12:08,970 --> 00:12:09,970
But why?

169
00:12:09,990 --> 00:12:13,110
Well, your wife, your Maggie.

170
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:16,360
You've always been so faithful to her
memory.

171
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:21,560
I hope this hasn't sullied this unlikely
coupling.

172
00:12:21,820 --> 00:12:23,260
No, Diana, not at all.

173
00:12:23,540 --> 00:12:25,060
It has been 15 years.

174
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,800
Besides, Maggie liked a good laugh.

175
00:12:28,260 --> 00:12:29,260
I beg your pardon?

176
00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:31,820
I mean, she had a big heart.

177
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:34,460
And so have you, Tom.

178
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:38,360
Goes with the rest of me, I suppose. Oh,
don't be so pure.

179
00:12:46,060 --> 00:12:47,060
Oh, good Lord.

180
00:12:47,740 --> 00:12:49,320
Oh, it's all coming back to me.

181
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:52,280
Oh, good heavens.

182
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:55,200
Oh, my goodness.

183
00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:58,440
Oh, I am sorry about your blender.

184
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:04,180
Never mind the blender, but we'd better
put the divots back in the croaky lawn.

185
00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:07,740
What? And get the lake refilled. What?
And ring the Guinness Book of Records.

186
00:13:08,100 --> 00:13:10,360
Right, all right. Let's keep it in
proportion.

187
00:13:10,780 --> 00:13:13,740
You did your bit, I did mine. It wasn't
gone with the bloody wind.

188
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:15,600
Absolutely right.

189
00:13:15,930 --> 00:13:17,010
Keep it in proportion.

190
00:13:17,470 --> 00:13:19,730
And forget it ever happened. Oh,
definitely.

191
00:13:20,030 --> 00:13:21,410
All forgotten. Good.

192
00:13:26,730 --> 00:13:27,730
Diana.

193
00:13:28,630 --> 00:13:29,630
Yes?

194
00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:31,570
Can we do it again?

195
00:13:34,690 --> 00:13:36,750
What? Well, why not?

196
00:13:37,010 --> 00:13:38,410
It was jolly good fun.

197
00:13:38,650 --> 00:13:41,730
And it beats hell out of upsetting the
mobile library lady.

198
00:13:42,790 --> 00:13:43,790
And,

199
00:13:44,250 --> 00:13:46,660
um... Baiting Harvey Bain. Tom.

200
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:52,700
And you are here, and the scene is sort
of set.

201
00:13:53,020 --> 00:13:54,020
Tom.

202
00:13:55,420 --> 00:13:57,640
I am stone cold sober.

203
00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:02,100
Probably better for the furniture.

204
00:14:05,940 --> 00:14:07,400
Tom. Hmm?

205
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:10,280
This is most unfair.

206
00:14:10,900 --> 00:14:11,900
Yes.

207
00:14:14,060 --> 00:14:15,120
I haven't brushed my teeth.

208
00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:21,980
I think the grade one funeral plan would
do him.

209
00:14:22,420 --> 00:14:26,120
Well, it's really not a chuck -em -over
-the -back -fence job, but at the same

210
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:29,480
time, it's only a veneer. So you're not
wasting proper wood.

211
00:14:30,100 --> 00:14:34,060
You only get one mourner's car, but I
don't mind staying at home. My father

212
00:14:34,060 --> 00:14:35,059
isn't dead yet.

213
00:14:35,060 --> 00:14:36,100
Oh, sorry, Geoffrey.

214
00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:37,419
Hello, Jane.

215
00:14:37,420 --> 00:14:38,420
Dad in, is he?

216
00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:44,280
Hello?

217
00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:45,520
Dad!

218
00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:48,180
We were just passing.

219
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:50,480
You're as great as me.

220
00:14:51,620 --> 00:14:52,620
Goodness.

221
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,380
It's just as well that wardrobe's good
solid pine.

222
00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:05,760
I think you should call the police.

223
00:15:06,060 --> 00:15:07,740
It's not exactly a crime, dear.

224
00:15:08,020 --> 00:15:09,020
Well, it should be.

225
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:16,560
to complain to the board.

226
00:15:16,740 --> 00:15:18,660
It is not my fault.

227
00:15:18,980 --> 00:15:21,640
I mean, did you not before you went in
on them?

228
00:15:22,020 --> 00:15:23,300
What's that got to do with anything?

229
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:27,660
Well, they would sort of claim that in
the privacy of their own rooms they can

230
00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:28,660
do whatever they like.

231
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:29,920
And some people do.

232
00:15:30,740 --> 00:15:31,740
Whatever they like.

233
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:33,960
If they like it.

234
00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:36,300
And do it.

235
00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:38,040
And this lot do.

236
00:15:39,540 --> 00:15:41,700
The Trent woman obviously led him
astray.

237
00:15:42,140 --> 00:15:43,400
You've got to get rid of her.

238
00:15:43,660 --> 00:15:44,660
Oh, I'd love to.

239
00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:49,920
But I can't get rid of residence for
fu... for funny business.

240
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:53,240
Place will be empty in ten minutes.

241
00:15:54,260 --> 00:15:56,020
They should all be put down.

242
00:15:56,720 --> 00:16:00,440
It's the health angle I'm worried about.
I mean, Dad does have a very dicky

243
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:01,440
ticker.

244
00:16:01,580 --> 00:16:07,680
What? Dad's heart, dear, not very
strong. I mean, too much doctors and

245
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,700
could end up real doctors and nurses.

246
00:16:10,140 --> 00:16:12,180
You mean it could kill him?

247
00:16:12,420 --> 00:16:13,640
Well, you know.

248
00:16:14,110 --> 00:16:16,730
Well, get on to it, Doctor. Both of you,
go along and see him.

249
00:16:17,050 --> 00:16:19,110
No. Oh, just a minute.

250
00:16:20,490 --> 00:16:26,030
This is an old man's rights we are
talking about here. We can't interfere

251
00:16:26,030 --> 00:16:26,989
personal life.

252
00:16:26,990 --> 00:16:32,170
But you... What business of ours is it
if these two people, in their autumn

253
00:16:32,170 --> 00:16:37,310
years, should choose to show a bit of
normal animal affection towards each

254
00:16:37,310 --> 00:16:38,309
other?

255
00:16:38,310 --> 00:16:39,310
None at all.

256
00:16:39,670 --> 00:16:41,550
In fact, we should encourage it.

257
00:16:41,930 --> 00:16:43,070
Come along, Geoffrey.

258
00:16:43,500 --> 00:16:44,500
What about his heart?

259
00:16:44,860 --> 00:16:46,380
Out the door, Geoffrey.

260
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:54,000
Of course, if this sort of behaviour
were to bring on a heart attack, you

261
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:55,180
get in touch right away.

262
00:16:55,700 --> 00:16:58,240
A letter or card or something.

263
00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:05,540
Anyone like to go to the pictures this
afternoon?

264
00:17:06,660 --> 00:17:08,040
Back row, my treat.

265
00:17:21,089 --> 00:17:22,089
Not surprised.

266
00:17:22,650 --> 00:17:25,069
So what would you like? A plate of blue
-clothed tablet?

267
00:17:25,569 --> 00:17:28,210
I'd like a nice piece of beef, please.

268
00:17:28,770 --> 00:17:30,410
Feed the man meat.

269
00:17:30,970 --> 00:17:31,990
You've got a foot.

270
00:17:34,510 --> 00:17:35,510
Oh,

271
00:17:35,910 --> 00:17:36,910
hello, Tom.

272
00:17:37,090 --> 00:17:38,570
You're still standing, I see.

273
00:17:39,550 --> 00:17:40,630
No, I'm sitting.

274
00:17:41,710 --> 00:17:43,030
Tamed the wild beef, eh?

275
00:17:43,490 --> 00:17:46,690
What? I suppose Diana will be quiet with
the pussycat from now on.

276
00:17:47,050 --> 00:17:49,950
It's all she needed. I knew it. It's all
any of them need.

277
00:17:51,530 --> 00:17:53,590
You've done a great service to Bayview,
Tom.

278
00:17:53,830 --> 00:17:56,410
Great. A newer, quieter Diana.

279
00:17:56,890 --> 00:17:59,870
Mr. Baines, Diana's flashing your car
tyres.

280
00:18:01,330 --> 00:18:03,010
God, not again!

281
00:18:03,890 --> 00:18:07,350
Tom, I want a word.

282
00:18:07,890 --> 00:18:09,090
What is it, Battle?

283
00:18:09,310 --> 00:18:12,130
You know I'm top dude round here.

284
00:18:12,950 --> 00:18:14,210
Of course, Battle.

285
00:18:14,470 --> 00:18:16,230
You're known throughout the land.

286
00:18:16,490 --> 00:18:18,870
A legend in your own cornflakes packet.

287
00:18:19,420 --> 00:18:22,660
Yes, well, I don't want someone muscling
in on my turf.

288
00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:24,060
God forbid.

289
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:27,920
Yes, well, I'd be most obliged if you'd
pack it in.

290
00:18:28,220 --> 00:18:30,100
Me? Yes, you.

291
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:34,340
All I hear is Tom this and Tom that.

292
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:37,100
Like you invented the whole damn
business.

293
00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:42,320
You mean they know about Diana and me?
Yes, of course they do.

294
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:46,500
Jane's running around the place like a
chicken with its head cut off. This is

295
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,260
terrible. Yes, it certainly is. I
haven't scored all day.

296
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:51,200
I am sorry.

297
00:18:51,420 --> 00:18:55,840
And I've got five dozen condoms with a
used -by date of next Wednesday.

298
00:18:59,020 --> 00:19:02,420
I really don't want to have Chuck half
of them away.

299
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:05,680
You've been the greatest.

300
00:19:05,980 --> 00:19:10,380
The Muhammad Ali, the Edmund Hillary,
the Fanny Craddock of the sexual

301
00:19:10,380 --> 00:19:11,380
revolution.

302
00:19:12,220 --> 00:19:15,980
I always think of myself as Basil
Vicious of the Sex Pistol.

303
00:19:18,380 --> 00:19:23,820
It's time now for you to give up the
crown and pass the phallic baton on to a

304
00:19:23,820 --> 00:19:24,739
younger man.

305
00:19:24,740 --> 00:19:25,880
A younger man?

306
00:19:26,100 --> 00:19:28,920
Who? Well, me, of course. Tom Barrow.

307
00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:30,840
Super stud.

308
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:34,200
Ladies.

309
00:19:44,669 --> 00:19:45,669
Afternoon, Jane.

310
00:19:51,010 --> 00:19:52,750
I said good afternoon, Jane.

311
00:19:54,190 --> 00:19:55,190
Jane.

312
00:19:55,370 --> 00:19:58,810
I'm sorry, I just don't feel I can talk
to you today, Diana.

313
00:19:59,110 --> 00:20:00,350
Oh, my God.

314
00:20:01,710 --> 00:20:03,470
Jane, sit down.

315
00:20:04,330 --> 00:20:06,090
I'd rather not, thank you.

316
00:20:06,330 --> 00:20:09,130
Jane, sit down or I will chop off your
legs and nail the stumps to the chair.

317
00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:15,080
What is the matter with you?

318
00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:18,880
I think you know that only too well.

319
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:23,420
Are you somehow put out? Because I slept
with Tom last night.

320
00:20:24,540 --> 00:20:26,960
Jane, how do you see me?

321
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,760
As a pillar of strength.

322
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:37,420
I know we have our differences, and
you're terribly cruel to Harvey, but

323
00:20:37,420 --> 00:20:42,040
the senior statesman of Bayview, someone
they all look up to, listen to.

324
00:20:49,870 --> 00:20:52,750
Where have you been for the past umpteen
years?

325
00:20:52,970 --> 00:20:57,170
Has every single tenet of 20th century
thinking passed you by on the other

326
00:20:57,590 --> 00:21:02,910
Or have you been so totally brainwashed
by the constant drip of kiddie TV that

327
00:21:02,910 --> 00:21:06,370
you are convinced that sex only takes
place between beautiful young people who

328
00:21:06,370 --> 00:21:07,770
jump in and out of each other's jeans?

329
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,180
Yes, I thought I was just an old person.

330
00:21:25,700 --> 00:21:32,020
But now, thanks to some cheap plonk and
a fully functioning Tom Ballard, I am

331
00:21:32,020 --> 00:21:35,640
rediscovering the fact that I'm still
firing on all cylinders and perfectly

332
00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:37,840
capable of going off like the proverbial
rocket. Oh!

333
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:43,960
In fact, in fact, Jane, we must crusade,
hmm?

334
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:48,560
Down the high street, in the shopping
malls, tell the elderly if they still

335
00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:50,420
can't see it, they should still be at
it.

336
00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:56,340
Right for the next generation, from the
60s onwards, sex has been practically

337
00:21:56,340 --> 00:22:03,280
compulsory. But for us poor sods,
there's a sort of built -in credo

338
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:05,480
that we should knock it off at pension
time.

339
00:22:06,140 --> 00:22:07,400
Well, stuff that.

340
00:22:09,820 --> 00:22:13,780
Just because we sag and bag a bit and
don't fancy it in the back of a mini

341
00:22:13,780 --> 00:22:15,800
one foot out the window and the other
over the diaper shelf.

342
00:22:18,740 --> 00:22:20,460
My goodness, that was fun.

343
00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:26,580
It does not mean that we are not all in
favour of it in the privacy and comfort

344
00:22:26,580 --> 00:22:27,579
of our own homes.

345
00:22:27,580 --> 00:22:28,580
Yes, Diana.

346
00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:34,420
In fact, old people must not think of it
as something furtive or tacky any

347
00:22:34,420 --> 00:22:36,860
longer. It must all be out in the open.

348
00:22:37,700 --> 00:22:38,700
Metaphorically, of course.

349
00:22:39,100 --> 00:22:43,020
Good. Now, the first thing we need is 24
-hour lighting down all the corridors

350
00:22:43,020 --> 00:22:44,020
and along all the paths.

351
00:22:44,220 --> 00:22:45,220
Yes, Diana.

352
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:47,120
And a condom vending machine.

353
00:22:49,180 --> 00:22:54,480
I don't think there's any fear of
pregnancy around here. Jane, condoms are

354
00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:56,060
just for preventing pregnancy.

355
00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:59,160
Some people like to pull them over their
heads and rob banks.

356
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:01,900
Oh, Jane.

357
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:05,420
Read this.

358
00:23:06,700 --> 00:23:12,200
This is called Living, Loving and Aging
by the people at Age Concern. Now read,

359
00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:14,600
learn and inwardly digest.

360
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:20,820
Maybe instead of bridge nights we should
have orgies every Friday.

361
00:23:22,030 --> 00:23:23,730
Where is Tom, anyway?

362
00:23:23,990 --> 00:23:24,990
He's had an invitation.

363
00:23:25,410 --> 00:23:26,069
Who from?

364
00:23:26,070 --> 00:23:27,470
From the ladies' bowling team.

365
00:23:27,750 --> 00:23:28,790
That bunch of trollops.

366
00:23:30,350 --> 00:23:31,350
Just for tea?

367
00:23:31,590 --> 00:23:35,470
My God, he's no man's safe. They'll kill
him off. Come on, Jane, you must rescue

368
00:23:35,470 --> 00:23:38,490
him before they take the flesh from his
bones.

369
00:23:38,950 --> 00:23:40,470
Oh, so tasteless.

370
00:23:44,670 --> 00:23:47,890
Yes, I first realised I had an
invitation.

371
00:23:50,170 --> 00:23:52,830
when MGM signed me up to play Tarzan.

372
00:23:53,850 --> 00:23:59,090
Of course, in those days, my name was
Weissmuller, but I changed it to Ballard

373
00:23:59,090 --> 00:24:03,890
in 1939, as Weissmuller was considered
not quite the right sort of name for a

374
00:24:03,890 --> 00:24:05,050
chappy in the RAF.

375
00:24:07,050 --> 00:24:12,150
For many years now, I've been well known
as a sexual athlete, breaking bedroom

376
00:24:12,150 --> 00:24:14,630
records, the length and breadth of the
country.

377
00:24:15,710 --> 00:24:16,710
Tom?

378
00:24:17,350 --> 00:24:18,350
Oh, golly.

379
00:24:18,620 --> 00:24:22,200
Here comes Bette Davies. She's never
forgiven me for running off with Sheila

380
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:24,320
Lollabigida. Dogs my every footstep.

381
00:24:24,580 --> 00:24:25,740
What ho, Bette?

382
00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:27,740
Tom, what are you doing?

383
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:32,220
I'm just telling these ladies about my
life as one of the century's leading sex

384
00:24:32,220 --> 00:24:33,220
symbols.

385
00:24:35,700 --> 00:24:36,700
Come here.

386
00:24:40,300 --> 00:24:42,040
Now, listen, you lot.

387
00:24:42,700 --> 00:24:47,740
It just so happens that by some fluke of
genetic justice, we women tend to live

388
00:24:47,740 --> 00:24:48,900
longer than the men creatures.

389
00:24:49,340 --> 00:24:52,240
And so what happens? The men are
outnumbered by the women.

390
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:53,480
And what does this mean?

391
00:24:53,660 --> 00:24:57,080
It means that a good man is bloody hard
to find.

392
00:24:57,660 --> 00:24:59,660
Well, let me warn you, harpies.

393
00:25:00,020 --> 00:25:02,320
I have found me a good man.

394
00:25:04,060 --> 00:25:08,760
And if any one of you so much as glances
in his direction, you will end up being

395
00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:11,200
cut into small pieces and sent home in a
matchbox.

396
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:14,320
all get my drift.

397
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:16,480
Come on, Tom.

398
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:19,480
See? It's not always wonderful being
wonderful.

399
00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:20,800
Bye -bye, ladies.

400
00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:24,560
Oh, get on.

401
00:25:28,220 --> 00:25:32,560
It was indeed very kind of you, Marion,
to be so concerned, but I've already

402
00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:34,340
made my funeral arrangements.

403
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,360
No, no, none of yours, no.

404
00:25:38,340 --> 00:25:40,020
I'm having a Viking funeral.

405
00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:47,010
You know, strapped to the mast of a
burning longboat and shoved out into the

406
00:25:47,010 --> 00:25:50,290
North Sea by a lot of jolly chaps called
Hengist and Vlad.

407
00:25:52,170 --> 00:25:53,590
How much will it cost?

408
00:25:54,150 --> 00:25:57,750
Oh, well, practically every penny I'm
worth, I expect.

409
00:26:00,070 --> 00:26:01,070
She's rung off.

410
00:26:04,190 --> 00:26:06,590
You're getting rather good at being a
swine.

411
00:26:06,870 --> 00:26:09,790
Well, it's sort of compulsory with us
sex gods.

412
00:26:11,030 --> 00:26:13,280
It's got to be mean... Broody and
magnificent.

413
00:26:14,260 --> 00:26:18,680
Listen, Tom, I'm delighted to see you
with a swagger in your walk and a spring

414
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:21,680
in your step, but let's face it, we're
not talking about inventing the wheel

415
00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:22,680
here.

416
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:23,720
What are you saying?

417
00:26:23,860 --> 00:26:25,420
I am saying, cool it.

418
00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:29,020
You're going round like some young
teenager, grinning from ear to ear

419
00:26:29,020 --> 00:26:30,820
he's just joined the oldest club in the
world.

420
00:26:31,060 --> 00:26:32,380
It's no big deal.

421
00:26:32,940 --> 00:26:34,020
Well, it is for me.

422
00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:39,380
Why? Because it's further proof that I
might still be alive and not just a

423
00:26:39,380 --> 00:26:40,380
figment of your imagination.

424
00:26:41,100 --> 00:26:42,240
What about your heart?

425
00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:43,440
Oh, who cares?

426
00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:45,120
If you've got to go, you've got to go.

427
00:26:46,860 --> 00:26:50,960
Find me a better way and I'll tell you
you're a liar. All right, all right.

428
00:26:52,180 --> 00:26:54,220
Just shut up about it, all right?

429
00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:56,840
I like to be known as a person in my own
right.

430
00:26:57,240 --> 00:27:01,360
Already had to clout battle for
referring to me as Tom Ballard's bit of

431
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:05,480
So just shut up about it, all right?

432
00:27:07,260 --> 00:27:08,260
And, uh...

433
00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:11,520
The future. Forget about that, too.

434
00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:13,880
You can't be serious.

435
00:27:14,300 --> 00:27:17,440
Well, maybe Saint's Day is another
religious holiday.

436
00:27:17,900 --> 00:27:19,700
But you don't belong to any religion.

437
00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:22,040
I guess that's just the brakes, kid.

438
00:27:23,540 --> 00:27:24,540
Oh.

439
00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:26,480
Oh, well.

440
00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:29,220
It was nice while it lasted.

441
00:27:31,020 --> 00:27:32,720
Another cup of gin, Diana?

442
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:33,960
Good idea.

443
00:27:41,770 --> 00:27:42,770
What's the date?

444
00:27:43,010 --> 00:27:45,210
The 17th.

445
00:27:45,730 --> 00:27:50,650
17th. Oh, isn't that the feast of St.
Kermit and all frogs?

446
00:27:53,590 --> 00:27:55,490
Oh, I don't know.

447
00:27:56,750 --> 00:27:58,470
Oh, I see.

448
00:27:58,830 --> 00:28:00,710
Oh, jolly good.

449
00:28:01,510 --> 00:28:05,470
And isn't tomorrow the feast of St.
Donald of all ducks?

450
00:28:07,690 --> 00:28:09,630
I'll decide the calendar round here.

451
00:28:12,390 --> 00:28:13,390
Take it or leave it.

452
00:28:13,770 --> 00:28:14,870
I'll have to think about it.

453
00:28:16,330 --> 00:28:18,030
Okay, I've thought about it.

454
00:28:19,350 --> 00:28:20,490
Here's to St. Kermit.

455
00:28:21,810 --> 00:28:22,810
St. Kermit.