1 00:00:48,670 --> 00:00:51,650 Oi. Listen, you Portuguese pillock. 2 00:00:53,110 --> 00:00:55,970 Ecoutez, pillocky Portuguese. 3 00:00:56,990 --> 00:01:01,290 Ce sont les ronds bulbs pour cette time de l 'année. 4 00:01:02,690 --> 00:01:04,870 Ce sont les daffodils. 5 00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:07,650 Les dils de daffo. 6 00:01:09,290 --> 00:01:12,570 You should be planting these autumn bulbs now. 7 00:01:18,899 --> 00:01:21,860 There's no part necessary to go off dance on half. 8 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:23,160 Fair enough. 9 00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:26,220 Antonio doesn't speak French. He's Portuguese. 10 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:31,020 And he's very temperamental. He's threatened to eat the chef's cat. 11 00:01:31,260 --> 00:01:33,400 And you know what kind of gang war that would start. 12 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:34,980 Just trying to be helpful. 13 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:37,200 Well, it's not. 14 00:01:37,860 --> 00:01:40,220 Since when have you ever been helpful to anyone? 15 00:01:43,210 --> 00:01:44,750 helped anyone in your life, Diana. 16 00:01:45,030 --> 00:01:47,870 You're the most selfish person to walk on the face of the earth. 17 00:01:48,330 --> 00:01:51,470 Don't you speak to me like that. You whip it. 18 00:01:51,890 --> 00:01:58,590 Don't forget that since Harvey and I are engaged, that soon I will be mistress 19 00:01:58,590 --> 00:01:59,590 of Bayview. 20 00:02:00,150 --> 00:02:05,670 And you'll all have to stop kicking Jane around and start being a bit more self 21 00:02:05,670 --> 00:02:06,670 -helping. 22 00:02:09,050 --> 00:02:11,650 There is self -helping in my own way. 23 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:19,600 Oh, my God. 24 00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:21,360 What day is it? 25 00:02:23,020 --> 00:02:26,100 Thursday. Up the bloody Himalayas again. 26 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:29,680 Tom! 27 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:32,800 Tom! Oh! 28 00:02:36,540 --> 00:02:39,160 What did you do that for? 29 00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:43,900 I might have fallen off a North Face dragging 20 faithful Sherpas to their 30 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:47,860 You're very lucky we were just having cuckoo at base camp. 31 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:52,480 Tom, would you say that I was an unhelpful sort of person? 32 00:02:52,700 --> 00:02:53,920 Yes, I damn well would. 33 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:59,440 Why? Because you go around beating old men over the head and endangering the 34 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,680 lives of diminutive Nepalese bearers. 35 00:03:02,260 --> 00:03:03,580 What do you want? 36 00:03:04,220 --> 00:03:08,820 Well, Jane has just said that I'm an unhelpful sort of person. 37 00:03:09,020 --> 00:03:10,480 That's hardly a blinding revelation. 38 00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:14,960 Indeed. Of course not. You're a miserable, vicious old so -and -so. 39 00:03:18,060 --> 00:03:23,180 Being a black hole is a chance of my own choosing. It affects only me, but being 40 00:03:23,180 --> 00:03:27,360 unhelpful, that implies that I affect the lives of those around me in a 41 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:28,360 detrimental fashion. 42 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:31,080 Yes. But it isn't true. 43 00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:37,060 What about Harvey Baines? Your entire raison d 'etre is based upon driving him 44 00:03:37,060 --> 00:03:38,340 nuts. Yes, well, he's fair game. 45 00:03:38,620 --> 00:03:42,320 Him and all the other verminous charlatans in this world, they are there 46 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:43,320 shot at. 47 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:46,540 Well, Jane was implying that... 48 00:03:47,310 --> 00:03:49,730 But that I made life a misery for all the other inmates. 49 00:03:50,830 --> 00:03:51,830 Is that true? 50 00:03:52,370 --> 00:03:57,850 Well, I suppose you get things done. Ah, precise lesson. But do you do it 51 00:03:57,850 --> 00:04:01,810 through a true feeling for your fellow man or just to get up the nose of those 52 00:04:01,810 --> 00:04:02,810 who are in authority? 53 00:04:03,890 --> 00:04:04,890 What does it matter? 54 00:04:05,330 --> 00:04:09,090 To most people it matters quite a lot. But to you, well, you've never given a 55 00:04:09,090 --> 00:04:10,970 damn what people thought of you. Have you? 56 00:04:11,270 --> 00:04:12,270 No. No. 57 00:04:12,610 --> 00:04:13,610 No. 58 00:04:13,770 --> 00:04:14,770 I don't give a toss. 59 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:19,560 What do I care what flannels like Jane think of me? 60 00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:21,720 Or anyone else. 61 00:04:23,220 --> 00:04:24,220 Stop them. 62 00:04:25,660 --> 00:04:26,660 And you. 63 00:04:29,540 --> 00:04:30,580 And what's this one? 64 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:35,440 It's your thoughts about the new income support system for residential homes. 65 00:04:35,980 --> 00:04:39,280 Goodness, fancy me knowing all this. What a clever chap I am. 66 00:04:40,340 --> 00:04:41,340 And this one? 67 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:45,760 It's your reply to that estate agent woman, Janet Fathead. 68 00:04:46,830 --> 00:04:50,250 Her name is Follett, Jane, as you well know. And what have I got to say to her? 69 00:04:50,550 --> 00:04:55,330 You say that her scheme whereby you can invalidate any resident's lease is the 70 00:04:55,330 --> 00:04:59,190 most wicked thing you've ever heard and that she should go and stick her head in 71 00:04:59,190 --> 00:05:00,190 a chaff grinder. 72 00:05:01,530 --> 00:05:05,790 Jane, if I begin to detect a note of bias against my lady friend, I might 73 00:05:05,790 --> 00:05:08,230 start replying to my own mail. So be warned. 74 00:05:08,450 --> 00:05:09,450 Yes, Harvey. 75 00:05:09,630 --> 00:05:12,110 If you could just sign these checks. 76 00:05:12,470 --> 00:05:13,249 And what are they for? 77 00:05:13,250 --> 00:05:14,250 Just this and that. 78 00:05:14,390 --> 00:05:15,850 Gas, electricity, telephone. 79 00:05:16,910 --> 00:05:18,210 Fanny's Wedding Boutique. 80 00:05:18,450 --> 00:05:19,630 Oh, please, this time. 81 00:05:20,110 --> 00:05:21,670 Fanny's Wedding Boutique, Jane. 82 00:05:22,470 --> 00:05:24,230 It's a deposit on my gown. 83 00:05:24,550 --> 00:05:29,790 Jane, let me put this to you as clearly as I can. For the ten millionth time, we 84 00:05:29,790 --> 00:05:33,030 got engaged to keep my mum happy before she went off to Australia. 85 00:05:33,490 --> 00:05:34,930 She gave me your granny's ring. 86 00:05:35,290 --> 00:05:37,990 That's the first thing I want back. Now, will it come off yet? No, Harvey. 87 00:05:38,390 --> 00:05:39,830 Are you keeping up with the diet? 88 00:05:40,110 --> 00:05:41,110 Yes, Harvey. 89 00:05:41,390 --> 00:05:44,910 Honestly. Good, because there might come a time when I need that ring for the 90 00:05:44,910 --> 00:05:45,990 delectable Miss Follett. 91 00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:59,840 If the ring won't come off, we can always amputate the finger. 92 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,740 What a drag. Her typing's bad enough as it is. 93 00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:08,120 This isn't necessary, you know. Oh, yes, it is. 94 00:06:08,580 --> 00:06:12,440 You'll only shock and unsettle people if you start being nice. No intention of 95 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:14,280 being nice. I'm merely going to be helpful. 96 00:06:14,620 --> 00:06:15,620 But why? 97 00:06:15,660 --> 00:06:18,020 As a challenge, as an intellectual exercise. 98 00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:19,560 That's still the wrong motive. 99 00:06:19,860 --> 00:06:23,180 Why can't he just help people because he wants to make their lives better? 100 00:06:23,500 --> 00:06:25,220 I couldn't give a stuff about their rotten lives. 101 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:28,760 And nor could any of those damn do -gooders. They only do good because it 102 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:30,200 them feel good. That's not true. 103 00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:35,980 Many people are good people. Yes, and others are axe murderers. Oh, shut up, 104 00:06:35,980 --> 00:06:38,980 Tom. I'll get bored and I'll shove you under a bus. 105 00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:40,280 Blessed Lily. 106 00:06:40,380 --> 00:06:42,560 What? Nothing, nothing, nothing. 107 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,980 Oh, the community centre. 108 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:50,940 What are we here for? 109 00:06:51,780 --> 00:06:54,780 Gay and lesbian taxidermy encounter group? 110 00:06:56,130 --> 00:07:00,550 Room 15, age action. Well, we've got the age, let's give him the action. 111 00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,310 I'm supposed to be in the pool. 112 00:07:10,690 --> 00:07:11,690 Come in. 113 00:07:13,370 --> 00:07:15,910 Excuse me, are you concerned about age? 114 00:07:16,450 --> 00:07:20,470 Hello! Look, I'm most frightfully sorry, but I'm just about to leave. 115 00:07:20,910 --> 00:07:21,910 Well, you can't. 116 00:07:22,310 --> 00:07:23,310 I'm sorry? 117 00:07:23,570 --> 00:07:25,210 We've come all the way from the pool. 118 00:07:28,300 --> 00:07:31,680 If it's only a small problem, I might be able to give you five minutes. 119 00:07:32,020 --> 00:07:33,780 I want to help your outfit. 120 00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:35,960 I'm volunteering my services. 121 00:07:36,500 --> 00:07:37,500 Diana Trent. 122 00:07:37,980 --> 00:07:41,740 And this is Tom Ballard, who's just come along to cock things up. 123 00:07:43,260 --> 00:07:45,040 Graciously, how wonderful. 124 00:07:45,780 --> 00:07:46,960 What are your qualifications? 125 00:07:47,540 --> 00:07:49,620 I have first -hand experience of being old. 126 00:07:50,140 --> 00:07:53,200 And you are no doubt of a very caring disposition. 127 00:07:53,900 --> 00:07:55,320 Oh, no doubt at all. 128 00:07:57,740 --> 00:07:58,740 Do you need any help? 129 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:00,520 Well, I do, actually. 130 00:08:01,140 --> 00:08:05,140 If you could man the office for the next hour, I'd be more than grateful. 131 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,900 My daughter's palomino has just thrown a shoe. 132 00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:10,480 Just can't get the staff these days. 133 00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:12,380 Um, quite. 134 00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:14,200 So what do you want us to do? 135 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:18,420 Just answer the phone, take messages, lend a sympathetic ear. 136 00:08:19,100 --> 00:08:20,520 Okay, off you go. 137 00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:29,240 friend called me Finn. 138 00:08:29,460 --> 00:08:30,460 Finn, then. 139 00:08:30,860 --> 00:08:34,000 It's nice to know that a sense of irony still thrives in the Shires. 140 00:08:34,580 --> 00:08:36,480 Yes. Jolly good. 141 00:08:36,919 --> 00:08:38,659 I'll see you later. So kind. 142 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,880 Just popping down time. Won't be long. 143 00:08:44,940 --> 00:08:46,380 Oh, what a voice. 144 00:08:46,820 --> 00:08:48,520 Crack an handle at 500 yards. 145 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:52,900 I thought women like her had died out at about the same time as Morris Miners 146 00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:54,000 with wooden window frames. 147 00:08:57,900 --> 00:08:58,900 Hello. 148 00:09:00,100 --> 00:09:01,360 Is anybody there? 149 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:07,020 If there is and you want any crime busting done, Batman and Robin are now 150 00:09:07,020 --> 00:09:08,760 residence at the community centre. 151 00:09:09,060 --> 00:09:10,500 Tom, put that down. 152 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:13,840 Just let me get this straight. 153 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:18,680 By dramatically escalating the maintenance cost to the residents, they 154 00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:23,360 able to afford it, so they'll default on the terms of their leases and the 155 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:24,840 properties will revert to us. 156 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:27,700 And you release them and start the whole thing over again. 157 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:31,200 Deposits, penalty clauses, all in your pocket every few months. 158 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:34,080 Janet, do you think this would hold up in court? 159 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:37,440 We're talking about court. Nobody goes to court. 160 00:09:37,940 --> 00:09:39,780 Court's for mugs and takes forever. 161 00:09:40,060 --> 00:09:42,760 Half your lot would be dead by the time they got anything to court. 162 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,340 Oh, my gosh. I mean, wow. 163 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,220 Oldies are great, Harvey. 164 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:50,680 They always trust a young woman's smile. They always trust official documents. 165 00:09:50,980 --> 00:09:54,420 And they never want to waste money getting a solicitor to check a contract. 166 00:09:54,420 --> 00:09:55,640 can really cream them. 167 00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,640 Goodness. We can make a fortune, Harvey. 168 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:03,760 Well, I don't really know, actually, Janet. I mean, morality has never been 169 00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:05,240 on my list of driving forces. Come here. 170 00:10:18,890 --> 00:10:19,890 What do I have to do? 171 00:10:25,430 --> 00:10:26,470 Oh, goodness. 172 00:10:26,890 --> 00:10:29,450 I seem to have got into the British Airways booking system. 173 00:10:32,330 --> 00:10:34,870 No one wants any help. 174 00:10:35,670 --> 00:10:39,430 They'd rather die of hypothermia and rats than say, Oi, give us a hand. 175 00:10:40,010 --> 00:10:41,010 Pride. 176 00:10:41,390 --> 00:10:44,890 Ignorance. Half of them think any money they get from the government is charity. 177 00:10:45,030 --> 00:10:47,210 They don't realise that it is theirs. 178 00:10:47,950 --> 00:10:50,370 They have paid contributions and taxes all their lives. 179 00:10:50,730 --> 00:10:51,850 They are owed. 180 00:10:52,150 --> 00:10:53,150 Right. 181 00:10:53,610 --> 00:10:54,610 Oh, dear. 182 00:10:55,550 --> 00:10:56,550 What is it? 183 00:10:56,850 --> 00:11:00,890 Everyone going to the Canaries in June is now going in November. 184 00:11:03,790 --> 00:11:07,350 My God of custom. Nick, wind them in. 185 00:11:12,710 --> 00:11:13,850 What hold, Tom? 186 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:19,400 You've come just at the right time. I have a whole empty jumbo jet flying to 187 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:20,400 Tenerife in the morning. 188 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:23,600 It's all right, Dux. He's just the local loop. 189 00:11:24,180 --> 00:11:25,180 Come on in. 190 00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:26,740 Tell us how we can help you. 191 00:11:30,020 --> 00:11:30,879 How do you do? 192 00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:34,740 Oh, I'm fine. And I'm sure we can help you. I have books here on everything. 193 00:11:35,390 --> 00:11:38,170 How to look after your money, where to go abroad. 194 00:11:38,650 --> 00:11:40,090 Greece is empty in August. 195 00:11:40,390 --> 00:11:41,390 Shut up. 196 00:11:41,810 --> 00:11:46,650 Surveys of local nursing homes, how to take care of your feet and incontinence. 197 00:11:46,850 --> 00:11:48,690 Can you really have incompetent feet? 198 00:11:50,470 --> 00:11:56,390 My name's Anna Saville. I have a nice house with a basement flat, and I was 199 00:11:56,390 --> 00:11:59,930 thinking of letting it, so I put an advertisement in the local paper. 200 00:12:00,230 --> 00:12:04,010 Well, this nice young girl from the estate agents turned up. 201 00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:08,540 We had a chat and a cup of tea, and she told me that she'd like to take it 202 00:12:08,540 --> 00:12:09,540 herself. 203 00:12:10,140 --> 00:12:12,680 I'm afraid I've lost my spectacles. 204 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:16,500 Now, I was wondering, could you read through this contract for me and tell me 205 00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:17,920 what date she's moving in? 206 00:12:18,900 --> 00:12:20,320 You want me to read the date? 207 00:12:20,660 --> 00:12:21,619 Yes, please. 208 00:12:21,620 --> 00:12:22,620 Well, is that all? 209 00:12:23,100 --> 00:12:26,660 I mean, we have three desks here, two computers, one idiot assistant. 210 00:12:27,100 --> 00:12:28,520 We could leave organisation. 211 00:12:29,380 --> 00:12:30,600 Couldn't you have a bigger problem? 212 00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:31,920 Oh, I'm sorry. 213 00:12:32,260 --> 00:12:34,980 Diana. Just read the thing for her. 214 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:39,500 No, where are we? 215 00:12:40,580 --> 00:12:41,640 Yes, here we are. 216 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:46,380 Occupancy to commence on the 1st. Well, that's tomorrow. 217 00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:47,900 Oh, thank you. 218 00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:49,300 Just a minute. 219 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,680 How much are you getting for this flat? 220 00:12:53,700 --> 00:12:54,880 £350 a month. 221 00:12:55,340 --> 00:12:59,760 It says here £35 a month. Oh, no, no, that's not right. 222 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:05,540 month the tenant has the right to renew the lease. 223 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:09,000 Oh, no mention of the landlady having a say in the matter. 224 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:10,600 Oh, 225 00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:17,500 this is nice. After one year, the landlady may review the rent but not 226 00:13:17,500 --> 00:13:21,040 it by more than 5%. I don't understand. 227 00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:24,200 Nothing about subletting. 228 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:30,460 This is real Mickey Mouse stuff, this. This woman could open a circus in your 229 00:13:30,460 --> 00:13:31,600 flat if she fancied it. 230 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:35,080 And you'd be stuck with her for two years without even covering your cock. 231 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:40,300 But this is... I would go so far as to say this is wicked. 232 00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:43,820 And if you knew me, you'd know that was a very strong accusation. 233 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:46,080 Oh, dear, but she seems so nice. 234 00:13:46,580 --> 00:13:49,820 Yes, well, they said the same thing about Mr Borgia's little girl. Now, 235 00:13:49,820 --> 00:13:51,040 this woman's rotten name? 236 00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:54,780 Janet Follett. 237 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:58,980 I've got my ace super sleuth onto it. 238 00:14:00,350 --> 00:14:04,530 Geoffrey Ballard, son of Tom Ballard, last of the Mohicans. Oh, wonderful. 239 00:14:05,090 --> 00:14:08,270 Yes, Geoffrey's going to check out the old lady's contract with his own 240 00:14:08,270 --> 00:14:10,330 solicitor. Oh, hi, gang. 241 00:14:12,110 --> 00:14:14,390 Can you smell something, Diana? 242 00:14:15,630 --> 00:14:17,250 What kind of something, Tom? 243 00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:22,350 The sort of smell you get at a dig outside Addis Ababa and you happen to be 244 00:14:22,350 --> 00:14:24,530 one night trying to count the stars. 245 00:14:24,910 --> 00:14:28,350 when you fall into a well. As is your work. As is my sad addiction. 246 00:14:28,710 --> 00:14:34,290 Show me a vacant well, a touch of gravity, and I'm a goner. Excuse me, 247 00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:35,290 Anyway, the smell. 248 00:14:36,510 --> 00:14:41,710 You're down this well, and you find that your sole companions are half a dozen 249 00:14:41,710 --> 00:14:45,290 rats, a retired vulture, and a donkey with halitosis. 250 00:14:45,530 --> 00:14:47,790 And they're all breaking wind at the same time. 251 00:14:49,070 --> 00:14:50,850 Well, it's that sort of smell. 252 00:14:51,190 --> 00:14:52,410 Oh, you mean a... 253 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:55,840 Bainesian sort of smell. Yes, that's it. Yes. 254 00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:59,280 Definitely a Harvey Nigel Bainesian pong. 255 00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:01,480 Now, where's it coming from? 256 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:05,680 Oh, right there. 257 00:15:07,020 --> 00:15:08,460 Good gracious me. 258 00:15:09,180 --> 00:15:10,620 The pong in question? 259 00:15:12,380 --> 00:15:13,900 Oh, it's fantastic. It's great. 260 00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:17,100 Love a man that can joke in the face of disaster. 261 00:15:17,580 --> 00:15:18,419 What disaster? 262 00:15:18,420 --> 00:15:21,400 I fear that some of you dear, lovely residents are in for a... 263 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:25,380 Quite a financial shock. So sad. What are you talking about? 264 00:15:25,860 --> 00:15:28,040 Speak, Harvey, or I'll fork your eyeballs. 265 00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:31,220 Better to let you all know at once. 266 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:37,360 If I could have just a word, a little word, Jenny, quieten them for me, will 267 00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:39,780 you? I don't scream anymore, Harvey. 268 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,440 Not since I'm engaged. 269 00:15:42,140 --> 00:15:43,140 Jenny! 270 00:15:44,980 --> 00:15:46,560 Hush up, you old money child! 271 00:15:46,940 --> 00:15:50,640 The boss man done come down from the big house. Want to lay the white man 272 00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:52,840 some... dance on you all, so listen up. 273 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:55,000 You can talk now, Harvey. 274 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:59,740 Thank you, Jenny. Now, I do have an important announcement to make. Don't 275 00:15:59,740 --> 00:16:03,700 us. You're going to be replaced by an automated penguin. 276 00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:05,280 Woo -hoo! 277 00:16:06,540 --> 00:16:08,200 It's all right, Basil. 278 00:16:09,020 --> 00:16:12,940 For God's sake, let him speak before the rabbit's chew comes back to life. 279 00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:18,220 Thank you. Now, as you may or may not be aware, I've had the structural engineer 280 00:16:18,220 --> 00:16:19,220 in, and they... 281 00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:24,460 that we're suffering from slippage. The land is moving beneath our feet. 282 00:16:24,780 --> 00:16:26,500 Probably trying to get away from you. 283 00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:29,160 Shut up, Basil. 284 00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:30,540 Go on, Harvey. 285 00:16:30,820 --> 00:16:36,840 This hillside that has been here since the planet cooled down has now decided 286 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:38,500 get up and start tolling round the country. 287 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:41,420 Yes, sort of. And? 288 00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:46,140 And we're going to have to shore the place up, and this is going to cost 289 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:47,520 Here it comes. 290 00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:50,520 Not in the catering budget. 291 00:16:50,980 --> 00:16:52,620 Rabbit replaced by rat. 292 00:16:52,900 --> 00:16:58,020 Well, I thought we were already on to rat. It says on the menu, ratatouille. 293 00:17:00,460 --> 00:17:04,500 Harvey, this inordinate expense is presumably going to be met by the 294 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:05,739 Well, not exactly. 295 00:17:05,740 --> 00:17:08,079 It has to be paid for by the current residents. 296 00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:10,220 What? Hell, it does. 297 00:17:11,130 --> 00:17:12,349 It comes under general care and maintenance. 298 00:17:12,569 --> 00:17:16,369 No, clause 7A of the contract. The small print acts of God. You've got to be 299 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,750 kidding. I'm going to check my lease. 300 00:17:19,010 --> 00:17:21,010 Have you had a quote on all this nonsense? 301 00:17:21,270 --> 00:17:22,269 Oh, yes. 302 00:17:22,270 --> 00:17:23,310 £483 ,000. 303 00:17:23,770 --> 00:17:26,410 Oh, come on. It's only 20 grand ahead. 304 00:17:26,829 --> 00:17:30,950 Out of my... No, no, come on. No, no, no, no, no. Please, please, don't be 305 00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:32,130 silly. It's all right. 306 00:17:32,930 --> 00:17:35,250 If you can't afford to pay, don't worry. 307 00:17:36,090 --> 00:17:37,890 You can always sell up and then pay. 308 00:17:41,140 --> 00:17:43,300 Harvey, how could you? 309 00:17:44,180 --> 00:17:47,200 Quite easily, actually, once Janet Follett gave me a couple of pointers. 310 00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:48,760 I think you're disgusting. 311 00:17:49,380 --> 00:17:51,060 Our engagement is off. 312 00:17:51,260 --> 00:17:53,720 I could never marry such an inhuman beast. 313 00:17:54,180 --> 00:17:54,979 Oh, goodness. 314 00:17:54,980 --> 00:17:56,700 This really is my lucky day. 315 00:17:59,180 --> 00:18:02,360 Oh, come on, Geoffrey. What does Mr Scheister say? 316 00:18:02,980 --> 00:18:05,840 Who? Oh, your solicitor. About the old duck contract. 317 00:18:06,860 --> 00:18:10,220 He feels sure that any judge in the land would set it aside, but... 318 00:18:10,730 --> 00:18:14,050 She did sign it and it could cost her a packet and a lot of hassle to get it to 319 00:18:14,050 --> 00:18:16,190 court. So, what did he suggest? 320 00:18:16,610 --> 00:18:20,250 Changing the locks and making sure that this estate agent woman can't take up 321 00:18:20,250 --> 00:18:24,810 residence. He also said that if she did get in and occupy the flat, then the 322 00:18:24,810 --> 00:18:27,130 police are bound to protect her rights as the sitting tenant. 323 00:18:27,510 --> 00:18:30,910 So this follet vulture is going to try and get in tomorrow night? 324 00:18:31,170 --> 00:18:32,170 Right. 325 00:18:32,210 --> 00:18:35,410 Geoffrey, how do you fancy a bunk up in a basement with your dear old dad? 326 00:18:36,250 --> 00:18:37,610 What about you, Diana? 327 00:18:38,380 --> 00:18:39,960 You can't back down now. 328 00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:42,500 Ah, I have to sort out the idiot Baines. 329 00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:45,820 This new scam of his merits a good throat -slitting. 330 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:48,540 So you're going to have to sort this lot out. Good luck. 331 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:53,080 That's typical of you, Diana. You drop us right in it, get bored and move on. 332 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:58,280 Geoffrey, are you prepared to fight the good fight? 333 00:18:59,140 --> 00:19:00,200 I'll have to bring Marion. 334 00:19:00,500 --> 00:19:01,740 What on earth for? 335 00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:04,000 Well, she's gone a bit wobbly again. 336 00:19:04,700 --> 00:19:08,080 She's trying hard, but she does have the odd reversion. If I leave her alone, 337 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:12,360 she either starts preaching New Age gibberish to the neighbours, or failing 338 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:15,080 that, she bangs down a fistful of pills and goes around chewing bits out of 339 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:16,080 their lawns. 340 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:18,360 Yes, it is a bit frowned on in the close. 341 00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:30,820 That's the one I was telling you about, our built -in troublemaker. 342 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:32,040 I'll show her trouble. 343 00:19:41,830 --> 00:19:42,709 will kill me. 344 00:19:42,710 --> 00:19:44,570 Don't be such a wimp, Harvey. 345 00:19:45,010 --> 00:19:48,390 They're a bloody nuisance, these old gits. They never used to live this far. 346 00:19:48,950 --> 00:19:52,710 Now they just clog up decent properties and slow down the whole process of 347 00:19:52,710 --> 00:19:53,710 estate management. 348 00:19:53,950 --> 00:19:55,930 I suppose that is one view. 349 00:19:56,270 --> 00:19:59,010 Which reminds me, you and I are going out tonight. 350 00:19:59,890 --> 00:20:01,810 Oh, you're asking me for a date? 351 00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:03,410 I'm telling you. 352 00:20:03,750 --> 00:20:04,750 Oh. 353 00:20:05,510 --> 00:20:06,510 Great. 354 00:20:08,850 --> 00:20:10,970 I'll skin him. I'll skin him alive. 355 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:13,040 shove his eyeballs up his nose. 356 00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:14,760 Oh, bugger it! 357 00:20:16,460 --> 00:20:18,580 Ah! Ah, Antonio! 358 00:20:19,460 --> 00:20:20,660 Comment allez -vous? 359 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,700 Bien? Bon. 360 00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:25,980 Um, êtes -vous busy en ce moment? 361 00:20:26,620 --> 00:20:28,240 Oh, because I had a bit of a fall. 362 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:31,320 I'm hit and run by the scumbag Baines. 363 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,940 Um, je suis stuck. 364 00:20:34,540 --> 00:20:35,740 C 'est mon bum. 365 00:20:39,180 --> 00:20:40,400 I do think... 366 00:20:40,650 --> 00:20:43,490 that your Christopher Columbus was an awfully clever chap. 367 00:20:46,110 --> 00:20:48,410 And your wonderful, wonderful Vasco de Gama. 368 00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:53,010 Yes, well, I can't think of any more famous Portuguese at the moment, and I 369 00:20:53,010 --> 00:20:55,570 don't suppose anybody else can either, but I'll tell you something for nothing. 370 00:20:55,810 --> 00:20:59,410 If you do not help me immediately, there is going to be a brand -new Portuguese 371 00:20:59,410 --> 00:21:00,410 murder victim. 372 00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:39,500 Oh, don't worry, Jane. I've had a contract put out on him. 373 00:22:18,740 --> 00:22:19,740 Janet? 374 00:22:20,060 --> 00:22:21,600 Not Janet Follett. 375 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:23,840 Oh, boy! 376 00:22:25,820 --> 00:22:29,300 Jenny, get me my white horse and my shining armour. 377 00:22:31,780 --> 00:22:32,880 What's she up to? 378 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:35,360 I don't know, but I'm glad I'm not a dragon. 379 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:44,360 Where are we going? 380 00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:47,220 We're going to guard the interests of an old lady. 381 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:52,280 Depression here, Jackie? 382 00:22:52,540 --> 00:22:53,499 What does that mean? 383 00:22:53,500 --> 00:22:58,840 I need a drink. Comfort rations, ice pick, thermal underwear, extra pitons. 384 00:22:58,840 --> 00:22:59,840 we're not climbing Everest. 385 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:01,180 It's Thursday, isn't it? 386 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:02,960 Medicinal brandy. Thank you. 387 00:23:03,620 --> 00:23:07,220 Small tin for dentures when saliva freezes. 388 00:23:07,460 --> 00:23:10,660 Sometimes I just want to pop up somewhere else as a completely different 389 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:14,180 Hello? Hello, Freddie? 390 00:23:14,860 --> 00:23:16,180 Hello, it's Diana Trent. 391 00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:18,560 Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine. How are you? 392 00:23:19,420 --> 00:23:20,420 Dying? 393 00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:27,940 Yes, that's the spirit. Listen, Freddie, can you do something for me? You know 394 00:23:27,940 --> 00:23:31,420 those bland cretins on Roundup or whatever that TV programme's called? 395 00:23:32,020 --> 00:23:34,040 Yes. Yes, that's the one. 396 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:37,780 Bypasses and baby shows and all the other boring drivel that passes for 397 00:23:37,780 --> 00:23:38,780 news. 398 00:23:38,860 --> 00:23:42,100 Now, listen, can you give me their telephone number? 399 00:23:43,740 --> 00:23:47,860 Jeffy, you certainly know how to give a girl a good time. 400 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:50,720 I didn't know she'd have no heating on. 401 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,040 I'm freezing. 402 00:23:54,180 --> 00:23:55,180 I'm boiling. 403 00:23:58,620 --> 00:24:01,540 Crackers. How long have we got to stay here? 404 00:24:01,820 --> 00:24:03,240 Until someone tries to move in. 405 00:24:03,620 --> 00:24:06,760 What if they don't? Then we could be here for years and years. 406 00:24:07,700 --> 00:24:09,400 Discovered by future archaeologists. 407 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:13,600 Puzzling why a suburban couple and a mountaineer were all found in bed 408 00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:16,040 What? 409 00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:18,240 I can smell something. 410 00:24:19,380 --> 00:24:20,380 Someone at the door. 411 00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:32,320 Bloody old cow. Change the locks. 412 00:24:33,740 --> 00:24:34,780 We'd better be off then. 413 00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:36,180 Don't be daft. 414 00:24:36,900 --> 00:24:37,900 Here. 415 00:24:39,300 --> 00:24:40,239 What's this? 416 00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:41,240 In you go. 417 00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:44,140 But that's breaking and entering. 418 00:24:44,500 --> 00:24:45,500 No, it isn't. 419 00:24:45,780 --> 00:24:49,560 I've got a lease that came into force three minutes ago. I can't break into my 420 00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:50,700 own place, can I? 421 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:51,960 But in you go. 422 00:24:52,500 --> 00:24:54,080 I'll be right behind you with a suitcase. 423 00:24:54,460 --> 00:24:56,520 All I want to do is establish my residency. 424 00:24:57,840 --> 00:24:59,300 You're not chicken, are you? 425 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:01,400 Me? 426 00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:06,860 Janet, you're looking at a Queen Scout. 427 00:25:35,050 --> 00:25:36,050 Here he comes. 428 00:25:39,530 --> 00:25:40,830 Surprise, surprise. 429 00:25:42,210 --> 00:25:43,210 Marion. 430 00:25:44,870 --> 00:25:46,610 Geoffrey. Smile, please. 431 00:25:48,550 --> 00:25:50,430 Uh -oh. Good night, Janet. 432 00:25:51,830 --> 00:25:55,090 Miss Follett, hello. I'm Dave Preston from Roundup Southwest. 433 00:25:55,530 --> 00:25:59,050 My name's Inspector Davis of the Bournemouth Constabulary. 434 00:25:59,430 --> 00:26:01,270 I am a tramp to the human race. 435 00:26:04,620 --> 00:26:08,620 Charges of breaking and entering were later filed against the Mr. H. Baines of 436 00:26:08,620 --> 00:26:10,100 the Bayview Retirement Center. 437 00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:17,120 And the police thanked the able assistance of two members of the Age 438 00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:21,400 Action Group, Miss Diana Trent and Mr. Tom Ballard, for their timely 439 00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:25,300 intervention in what could have been another all -too -familiar rip -off of 440 00:26:25,300 --> 00:26:26,460 elderly in our area. 441 00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:30,380 Miss Trent, do you have anything you wish to say to the elderly of the South 442 00:26:30,380 --> 00:26:31,600 West? Yes, yes I do. 443 00:26:37,100 --> 00:26:40,160 Yes, that'll do. Now, I have something to say to the elderly everywhere. 444 00:26:40,860 --> 00:26:42,020 Listen, you lot. 445 00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:43,280 Now, this isn't TV. 446 00:26:43,860 --> 00:26:47,840 This is real life. I am talking to you personally. 447 00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:49,920 So pin her back and listen up. 448 00:26:50,460 --> 00:26:55,920 We, the elderly, my contemporaries, we had all our ideas of morality and decent 449 00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:59,680 behaviour formed in a different time on a different planet. 450 00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:05,100 Before and during the war, in the nice old 50s, when we warmed our feet at coal 451 00:27:05,100 --> 00:27:06,100 fires and... 452 00:27:06,490 --> 00:27:09,230 Listen to friendly folk on the Bakelite radios. 453 00:27:10,030 --> 00:27:15,730 Well, wake up, my old parents, because we have bred a race of bloody little 454 00:27:15,730 --> 00:27:21,930 monsters who are so lacking in any form of recognisable moral standards and so 455 00:27:21,930 --> 00:27:27,750 consumed with greed and material lust that they'll chop you up and microwave 456 00:27:27,750 --> 00:27:28,750 as soon as they look at you. 457 00:27:29,250 --> 00:27:31,570 You'll just learn one thing today. 458 00:27:32,110 --> 00:27:35,410 The path of justice and legality. 459 00:27:36,050 --> 00:27:37,410 rarely run parallel. 460 00:27:37,890 --> 00:27:41,310 So never sign anything, hmm? 461 00:27:41,630 --> 00:27:45,750 I don't care if it comes from your favourite grandchild or a bearded bloke 462 00:27:45,750 --> 00:27:47,230 lugging a wooden cross through your living room. 463 00:27:47,570 --> 00:27:53,190 Never sign anything until you have had it checked by Mr. Champion Shister, your 464 00:27:53,190 --> 00:27:54,390 friendly local solicitor. 465 00:27:54,850 --> 00:27:59,710 Or I, personally, will come round and set fire to your perms. You know that, 466 00:27:59,810 --> 00:28:01,370 hmm? Do fine. 467 00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:06,400 Uh, Mr. Ballard, do you have anything to add to that? 468 00:28:06,980 --> 00:28:08,380 Uh, yes, I certainly do. 469 00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:13,000 As we're as never -climbing, funny forms, I would also add that you should 470 00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:15,100 climb ever as fast as a heavy lunch. 471 00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:18,760 Try some of the smaller steaks with a glass of thought and a good trot. 472 00:28:19,780 --> 00:28:26,000 That is the 19th -century writer, and not Miss Lola Montezuma of Roe v. Lane.