1 00:00:46,940 --> 00:00:47,940 Oh, no. 2 00:00:51,340 --> 00:00:52,340 No. 3 00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:57,520 Why do I get new hats for funerals? 4 00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:01,140 Not as if the poor sod they're throwing it for is going to give a damn what I'm 5 00:01:01,140 --> 00:01:02,140 wearing. 6 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,880 Oh, God, what a sight. 7 00:01:07,780 --> 00:01:09,080 Mutton dressed as lizard. 8 00:01:09,940 --> 00:01:11,540 And the one who should be in the coffin. 9 00:01:14,890 --> 00:01:18,390 And here comes little Jane, the friendly neighbour from next door. 10 00:01:19,050 --> 00:01:24,130 I'm not here at all. I am stuck in some horrendous 1950s situation comedy. 11 00:01:25,250 --> 00:01:26,590 Come in, Jeannie. 12 00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:28,130 Hello, Diana. 13 00:01:28,310 --> 00:01:32,210 Hello, Jeannie. Would you like a cup of tea? My mother -in -law is coming to 14 00:01:32,210 --> 00:01:35,550 stay and my silly hubby has invited his boss to dinner. And I think I'm about to 15 00:01:35,550 --> 00:01:36,590 have a baby. Oh, dear. 16 00:01:43,820 --> 00:01:45,560 Don't worry about a thing, Diana. 17 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:51,960 We'll look after you. I am not going mad, Jane. I am merely indulging in a 18 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:53,980 little comic irony for my own amusement. 19 00:01:54,340 --> 00:01:56,180 So you're not having a baby? 20 00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:57,640 Oh, no. 21 00:01:58,240 --> 00:01:59,240 Tom! 22 00:01:59,540 --> 00:02:00,540 Joke, Jane! 23 00:02:00,980 --> 00:02:02,660 Humour! Do you know what that is? 24 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:06,720 Or has living near Harvey made the concept of the joke seem a trifle 25 00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:09,000 I have a perfectly good sense of humour. 26 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:12,940 I just feel that today is not the right kind of day for jokes. 27 00:02:13,390 --> 00:02:14,189 Why not? 28 00:02:14,190 --> 00:02:16,510 We are going to a funeral. 29 00:02:16,750 --> 00:02:20,890 Jane, we are always going to funerals round here. That's the object of this 30 00:02:20,890 --> 00:02:21,890 place, isn't it? 31 00:02:22,130 --> 00:02:26,990 Darling, we've all come here to die. That's not true, darling. We haven't 32 00:02:26,990 --> 00:02:28,210 here on youth training schemes. 33 00:02:29,030 --> 00:02:34,830 We've all come here to fill in time before we conk out, before we finally 34 00:02:34,830 --> 00:02:35,830 out of gas. 35 00:02:35,970 --> 00:02:38,750 This is the hard shoulder of life. 36 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:42,800 And we are just waiting for the bloody tow truck to drag us off to the dump. 37 00:02:42,820 --> 00:02:48,540 Diana. We are all here grimly hanging on by our teeth to the last great cliff 38 00:02:48,540 --> 00:02:49,600 top. Oh. 39 00:02:49,820 --> 00:02:53,900 So, it is inevitable that every now and again one of us detaches ourselves from 40 00:02:53,900 --> 00:02:56,120 our dentures and plummets to the rocks beneath. 41 00:02:56,880 --> 00:03:00,560 Diana. I mean to say that we shouldn't have the odd giggle along the way. God 42 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:03,300 knows they're rare enough in this museum of the living dead. 43 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:04,559 What now? 44 00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:05,560 Talking of which. 45 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:07,740 Everybody ready for the off? 46 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:10,160 Got your season tickets to the crematorium? 47 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:11,860 Oh, don't you start, Tom. 48 00:03:12,220 --> 00:03:14,840 Start what? I've never started anything, Jane. 49 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:17,000 I'm one of life's great followers. 50 00:03:17,220 --> 00:03:18,820 The disciple's disciple, that's me. 51 00:03:19,620 --> 00:03:22,480 Jane thinks we should be miserable because we are going to a funeral. 52 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:26,460 Oh, I don't know. At least it's a day out. And you know what they say. 53 00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:30,020 Better to stand looking into a grave than lying in a grave looking out. 54 00:03:30,380 --> 00:03:31,840 That's not very nice, Tom. 55 00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:36,000 Well, anyway, we hardly knew old Barney. His name was Jimmy. Well, whoever. 56 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:39,220 Just going to swell the numbers. Have a good laugh at the Reverend Vulture. 57 00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:46,300 The vicar's name is Sparrow. And I'm going because I'll miss Jimmy. And I'm 58 00:03:46,300 --> 00:03:47,420 that he's leaving us. 59 00:03:47,620 --> 00:03:49,640 He'd only been here two days. 60 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:52,140 Right. One of Harvey's smarter moves. 61 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:55,500 Just managed to cash the deposit before the old chap snuffed it. 62 00:03:56,060 --> 00:03:58,840 Harvey would have given Jimmy's family a refund. 63 00:03:59,300 --> 00:04:02,920 But he was tied by the terms of the residency contract. 64 00:04:03,900 --> 00:04:05,710 I'll... you out the front. 65 00:04:07,270 --> 00:04:12,730 And this time, please don't tell the undertaker's assistant that the deceased 66 00:04:12,730 --> 00:04:14,790 had contagious leprosy. 67 00:04:16,769 --> 00:04:17,769 Precisely, Dyer. 68 00:04:18,050 --> 00:04:20,209 De mortuus nil bonum. 69 00:04:20,610 --> 00:04:21,910 Don't speak ill of the dead. 70 00:04:22,170 --> 00:04:24,070 You showed Jimmy round, didn't you, Tom? 71 00:04:24,550 --> 00:04:28,050 Yes. You find goodness in everyone. 72 00:04:28,690 --> 00:04:29,690 I try. 73 00:04:30,950 --> 00:04:32,830 What did you say about Jimmy? 74 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:35,480 I can't remember. 75 00:04:35,620 --> 00:04:38,180 You said he was more boring than your son Jeffrey. 76 00:04:38,420 --> 00:04:39,339 Did I? 77 00:04:39,340 --> 00:04:43,980 You said he was a man who had lived for nearly 90 years, done nothing, had no 78 00:04:43,980 --> 00:04:46,660 friends, and you could damn if you could work out his exact position in the 79 00:04:46,660 --> 00:04:51,240 great scheme of things. You said you had met more interesting artichokes. 80 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,260 Yes, well, he was alive then. 81 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:57,040 Well, what is he now? He's dead. Jonathan Miller. I was trying to give 82 00:04:57,040 --> 00:05:00,100 benefit of a reasonable place in the collective memory of mankind. 83 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:01,880 By lying. 84 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:06,320 Yes, it is the way, Diana, among civilised folk. Not that you'd know what 85 00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:10,960 are. A bit of embroidered eulogising makes up the cushion we sit on to keep 86 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,000 off the hard bench of grief. 87 00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:14,360 Dorsham Buncombe! 88 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:18,920 Oh, Jimmy Watsit was an insurance assessor who was about as exciting as a 89 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:19,940 vegetarian barbecue. 90 00:05:20,500 --> 00:05:22,940 Now, is this hat OK? 91 00:05:23,580 --> 00:05:25,600 Oh, is that a hat? 92 00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:28,720 I thought a bat had died on your head. 93 00:05:33,530 --> 00:05:35,310 Oh, I'm so glad they're hurt. 94 00:05:35,530 --> 00:05:38,950 Oh, I'm slain, I'm slain. Shut up, Tom. 95 00:05:42,570 --> 00:05:44,330 Let's get it in, let's get it in. 96 00:05:44,830 --> 00:05:46,510 What was that you were saying? Harvey. 97 00:05:46,730 --> 00:05:48,190 Yes, we'll talk later. 98 00:05:48,490 --> 00:05:49,490 What? 99 00:05:51,830 --> 00:05:52,830 What's this bus? 100 00:05:52,930 --> 00:05:53,930 Where are the cars? 101 00:05:54,230 --> 00:05:56,490 Of course, Diana, Freddie had minimal insurance. 102 00:05:56,990 --> 00:05:59,290 His name was Jimmy, Harvey. 103 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:00,720 What is, Hanai? 104 00:06:01,100 --> 00:06:04,640 Well, I'm sure Jimmy would be grateful that the Bayview Corporation is paying 105 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:05,439 for this bar. 106 00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:06,099 Oh, good. 107 00:06:06,100 --> 00:06:07,240 I'll flash the thief. 108 00:06:08,220 --> 00:06:11,580 Oh, would you get a move on, please? Come on, come on. 109 00:06:11,980 --> 00:06:15,920 I've got a charming young family dropping off their grandfather in five 110 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:19,240 And we don't want coffins lying all round the place, do we? 111 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,980 Thank God they're allowed to speak ill of the living. 112 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:25,220 You're a rotten little shyster, Harvey! 113 00:06:45,740 --> 00:06:46,740 See those graves? 114 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:50,800 Can't even make up the names on half of them. The only reason for existing was 115 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:52,780 passing on the genetic baton. 116 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,760 At least we weren't stabbed to death by a pin -wielding virago. 117 00:06:56,260 --> 00:06:57,800 Ah, good morning, Dennis. 118 00:06:58,900 --> 00:07:01,660 Another one bites the dust. Ah, familiar faces. 119 00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:03,740 Are you with the bride or groom? 120 00:07:04,260 --> 00:07:05,980 I've lost a sense of humour, I think. 121 00:07:06,980 --> 00:07:08,140 Are you the godparents? 122 00:07:08,460 --> 00:07:09,460 What? 123 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:10,640 Harvest Festival? 124 00:07:11,620 --> 00:07:12,620 Funeral, Dennis. 125 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,000 Yes. 126 00:07:14,310 --> 00:07:15,490 Yes, of course. 127 00:07:16,990 --> 00:07:20,890 Mr. Baines and Jane, come to read the bands, have you? 128 00:07:21,890 --> 00:07:22,890 Oh! 129 00:07:23,770 --> 00:07:26,510 Well, no crap like that, Dennis, and I'll count my lot off down to the 130 00:07:26,510 --> 00:07:28,590 Catholics. I bet they'd give me a better deal. 131 00:07:38,290 --> 00:07:45,080 James Addison, Jimmy to all his friends, was loved and revered by all 132 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:46,920 who knew him. But you didn't. 133 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:55,080 He travelled far and wide, making many friends, in his dual 134 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:59,220 role of surfing champion and record producer. 135 00:08:01,300 --> 00:08:02,860 Record producer. 136 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:09,360 And those of you who worked alongside him in the rock music industry 137 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:16,120 parties and his many wild women. 138 00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:20,340 He wasn't known as Screaming Jim Addison for nothing. 139 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:24,040 Screaming Jim. I think I'm going to enjoy this. 140 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:29,400 But of course the good Lord giveth and he taketh away. 141 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:32,460 And so it was with Screaming Jim. 142 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:39,440 At the height of his fame and fortune while hang gliding in the Alps. 143 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:45,120 Screaming Jim was taken from us at the tender age of 28. 144 00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:47,820 Excuse me. 145 00:08:48,220 --> 00:08:52,160 Jimmy was 88 and in insurance. 146 00:08:52,980 --> 00:08:53,980 Oh. 147 00:08:56,060 --> 00:08:58,460 Not arrested on drug charges. 148 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:01,920 Oh. 149 00:09:03,860 --> 00:09:05,280 Oh, dear. 150 00:09:12,910 --> 00:09:13,910 I'm sorry. 151 00:09:14,390 --> 00:09:19,150 Look, it's not my fault. It's somebody else's. 152 00:09:22,630 --> 00:09:24,250 Do something, Harvey. 153 00:09:24,470 --> 00:09:26,110 While he's above ground, he's still yours. 154 00:09:30,710 --> 00:09:32,290 Is there a vicar in the house? 155 00:09:36,110 --> 00:09:39,370 What a farce! Well, we got him buried eventually. 156 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:42,800 Not sure that it's legal, DIY funerals. 157 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:46,960 Fun, though. It's not every day the vicar bungs on a nervous breakdown for 158 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:47,960 entertainment. 159 00:09:48,100 --> 00:09:49,720 Beats the hell out of bringing by. 160 00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:51,120 Hello, anybody in? 161 00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:52,619 Oh, heavens. 162 00:09:52,620 --> 00:09:55,440 Geoffrey. No, we're both out. 163 00:09:56,740 --> 00:09:57,740 Hello, Diana. 164 00:10:00,140 --> 00:10:02,020 Geoffrey. Not brought, Marion? 165 00:10:03,340 --> 00:10:04,500 Ratcatcher got her, did he? 166 00:10:06,020 --> 00:10:07,860 She's outside looking at a tree. 167 00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:10,220 It's her I want to talk about, actually. 168 00:10:11,140 --> 00:10:14,100 Oh, look at that. Time for my aerobics class. 169 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:15,480 Must fly. 170 00:10:15,860 --> 00:10:16,860 See you later. 171 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:18,440 Aerobics... Diana! 172 00:10:19,420 --> 00:10:21,440 She's being tactful. I doubt it. 173 00:10:23,020 --> 00:10:24,460 What's wrong with Marion this time? 174 00:10:25,980 --> 00:10:27,060 She won't talk to me. 175 00:10:27,540 --> 00:10:28,540 Blessed relief. 176 00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:31,140 I think she's having some sort of crisis. 177 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:34,680 She just mopes around all day, gazing blankly at nothing. 178 00:10:35,140 --> 00:10:36,220 When did this start? 179 00:10:36,730 --> 00:10:39,970 Well, I said that whatever her problems, I'd never leave her. I'd always stand 180 00:10:39,970 --> 00:10:40,869 by her. 181 00:10:40,870 --> 00:10:41,869 I see. 182 00:10:41,870 --> 00:10:44,990 You said you'd always be there, and she got terribly depressed. 183 00:10:45,290 --> 00:10:46,290 Yes. 184 00:10:46,990 --> 00:10:48,490 I can't understand it. 185 00:10:49,630 --> 00:10:50,690 Marion needs help. 186 00:10:51,010 --> 00:10:52,550 What did the psychiatrist say? 187 00:10:52,750 --> 00:10:53,709 He's given up. 188 00:10:53,710 --> 00:10:57,190 He says she's just an unpleasant person with no redeeming features whatsoever. 189 00:10:58,150 --> 00:11:00,890 Well, that's not very professional. She ran over his cat. 190 00:11:01,510 --> 00:11:02,510 Well... 191 00:11:03,260 --> 00:11:06,400 What do you want me to do, Geoffrey? I don't know, Dad. I just don't know. I 192 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,280 thought I'd tell you, see if you had any bright ideas. 193 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:11,480 Sit down, Geoffrey. 194 00:11:16,740 --> 00:11:19,100 As you know, I've not always seen eye to eye with Marion. 195 00:11:19,540 --> 00:11:21,040 Well, that's all right, Dad, not with anyone else. 196 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:25,420 In fact, I go as far as saying that humankind need hardly have bothered to 197 00:11:25,420 --> 00:11:26,760 itself out of the primordial soup. 198 00:11:27,300 --> 00:11:28,920 It's the best we could come up with as a Marion. 199 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:30,120 Yes, Dad. 200 00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:34,780 It's not only that she has the morality of an alley cat, that she has the mind 201 00:11:34,780 --> 00:11:38,180 of a retarded cauliflower, that she drops... It's all right, Dad, I think 202 00:11:38,180 --> 00:11:38,979 made your point. 203 00:11:38,980 --> 00:11:41,360 The thing is, she is my wife. And do you love her? 204 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:43,400 Yes. 205 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:45,520 Really? 206 00:11:46,820 --> 00:11:51,020 Yes, Dad, she is my wife, and I do love her, and I'm asking you if you can help 207 00:11:51,020 --> 00:11:52,020 me, please. 208 00:11:52,900 --> 00:11:54,660 Of course, Geoffrey. 209 00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:56,540 I'll do anything I can. 210 00:11:57,520 --> 00:11:58,520 You're a real brick, Dad. 211 00:12:01,230 --> 00:12:02,270 I am your father. 212 00:12:02,970 --> 00:12:04,290 You are my son. 213 00:12:07,890 --> 00:12:08,890 Goodbye, father. 214 00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:10,730 Goodbye, son. 215 00:12:15,330 --> 00:12:17,010 I am your father. 216 00:12:17,210 --> 00:12:18,530 You are my son. 217 00:12:20,130 --> 00:12:22,510 God, where's my puking bowl? 218 00:12:29,050 --> 00:12:30,050 Hello, dear. 219 00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:32,640 I've been having a word with Dan. 220 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:36,800 Shall we go now, dear? 221 00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:39,680 I'll tell you what. 222 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,900 Why don't we go past the old DIY centre? 223 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,140 Gavin's got the new pine shelving in from Norway. 224 00:12:45,580 --> 00:12:46,580 It sounds really exciting. 225 00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:48,240 Really? 226 00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:49,500 What do you say? 227 00:12:51,820 --> 00:12:54,460 You could have a bit of a browse through the shower curtain catalogue. 228 00:13:02,540 --> 00:13:07,160 when I first realised that I was extraordinarily attractive to women. 229 00:13:09,100 --> 00:13:11,060 Because I had more hair then. 230 00:13:11,740 --> 00:13:12,960 And I was taller. 231 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:14,280 Six foot three. 232 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:19,320 Played number eight in the England scrum. 233 00:13:19,820 --> 00:13:22,460 I expect you could tell that from looking at me. 234 00:13:23,300 --> 00:13:26,380 A battle's faster than a speeding bullet. 235 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,060 That woman hasn't even unpacked yet. 236 00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:33,170 I can't think why Geoffrey wants me to do something about Marion. 237 00:13:33,410 --> 00:13:35,850 You should dismember her, feed her to the dog. Oh, Diana. 238 00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:38,070 Or burn the electric fire in her bath. 239 00:13:38,750 --> 00:13:40,610 Mind you, Marion would probably enjoy that. 240 00:13:42,010 --> 00:13:43,510 This is a serious matter, Diana. 241 00:13:43,850 --> 00:13:45,410 She's obviously a soul in torment. 242 00:13:45,710 --> 00:13:47,930 And so she should be, frightful creature. 243 00:13:48,190 --> 00:13:51,730 When she's not sloshing down the gin and the pills, she's cuckolding poor old 244 00:13:51,730 --> 00:13:52,910 Geoffrey with everything in trousers. 245 00:13:53,570 --> 00:13:55,410 Maybe she has a crisis of conscience. 246 00:13:56,010 --> 00:13:59,790 Maybe within her there is a good person struggling to get out. 247 00:14:00,060 --> 00:14:01,860 And maybe Harvey Baines will be the next Pope. 248 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:04,220 Talk of the devil. 249 00:14:05,140 --> 00:14:08,800 Oh, look, here comes Daffy Dennis, the deranged deacon of Dingley Dell. 250 00:14:11,740 --> 00:14:15,040 What's he doing here? That's it, Dennis, come on. Now, you sit down there, you 251 00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:17,980 make yourself comfortable. It's rabbit on Wednesday. 252 00:14:18,260 --> 00:14:19,260 It's Thursday. 253 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:20,400 It's your rabbit. 254 00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:22,060 I'll talk to you later. 255 00:14:22,380 --> 00:14:23,920 Thank you, Harvey, most kind. 256 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:25,780 Not in the dining room, Basil. 257 00:14:26,340 --> 00:14:27,340 Thank you. 258 00:14:27,660 --> 00:14:30,080 My name is Harvey, Diana, not Oyu. 259 00:14:30,380 --> 00:14:31,860 Then why do you answer to Oyu? 260 00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:33,760 I've got you there. 261 00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:35,360 What do you want? 262 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:37,620 What is the raving Rev doing here? 263 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:39,740 He's taking a short vacation. 264 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,180 Oh, for God's... Would you spit it out, you cretin? 265 00:14:42,860 --> 00:14:44,780 He's taking a short vacation. 266 00:14:45,140 --> 00:14:46,180 I'm not surprised. 267 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:48,980 I thought he could have Jimmy's room until the fumigators are finished. 268 00:14:50,540 --> 00:14:52,820 Has he been given the sack because he cocked up a funeral? 269 00:14:53,700 --> 00:14:54,700 That's a bit rough. 270 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:56,680 There's also a rather embarrassing baptism. 271 00:14:57,450 --> 00:15:00,970 Apparently there was a child of this parish called Ugly Little Barter Jones. 272 00:15:05,310 --> 00:15:06,750 What a kind of guy. 273 00:15:07,150 --> 00:15:11,850 Now, the bishop thought he probably needed a break, so they do make him 274 00:15:13,610 --> 00:15:15,650 Basil's already beaten us to it. 275 00:15:16,050 --> 00:15:18,690 Hello, Basil Macpherson. 276 00:15:19,050 --> 00:15:20,150 Dennis Barrow. 277 00:15:20,370 --> 00:15:22,950 You look a bit young to be a new inmate. 278 00:15:24,270 --> 00:15:26,130 I'm only stopping for a couple of days. 279 00:15:26,390 --> 00:15:30,270 Ah, then you want to know who the high -speed little ravers are, then. 280 00:15:31,270 --> 00:15:35,970 Sorry? The goers, the pushovers, the hot -shot Zimmer girls. 281 00:15:37,970 --> 00:15:42,990 It wasn't exactly uppermost in my mind. Trick is to pretend you're senile. 282 00:15:43,390 --> 00:15:48,110 God, 20 years ago, I'd have been put in jail for the things I get up to around 283 00:15:48,110 --> 00:15:49,110 here. 284 00:15:49,530 --> 00:15:50,810 I'll bear it in mind. 285 00:15:51,810 --> 00:15:53,430 See that one over there? 286 00:15:54,830 --> 00:15:57,590 Good time Gladys used to be a coffin girl. 287 00:15:59,110 --> 00:16:01,550 Get her leg over her house, she could. 288 00:16:03,390 --> 00:16:07,990 Basil, just telling the new chappy a few of the local facts of life. 289 00:16:08,190 --> 00:16:09,190 We heard. 290 00:16:09,210 --> 00:16:10,830 Dennis is a vicar, Basil. 291 00:16:11,670 --> 00:16:14,430 Oh, oh, I do beg your pardon. 292 00:16:15,310 --> 00:16:18,250 Fancy me telling a vicar where to get his jollies. 293 00:16:22,250 --> 00:16:23,750 Coles to Newcastle. 294 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:27,640 of him, Dennis. 295 00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:31,900 Contrary to popular opinion, not all old people are fun -loving and sex -mad. 296 00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:36,300 Some of us have the decency to be vicious old cripples with a healthily 297 00:16:36,300 --> 00:16:39,580 view of life. I know exactly what you mean. 298 00:16:39,860 --> 00:16:40,980 But you're a vicar. 299 00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:45,460 No man of a cloth could possibly agree with anything Diana says. 300 00:16:45,820 --> 00:16:47,400 Oh, I don't know. 301 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:48,840 Oh, dear. 302 00:16:49,100 --> 00:16:51,500 You will come to tea at half -past three. 303 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:54,140 Sorry? Yes, you probably will be, but be there just the same. 304 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:56,899 Come on, Tom. 305 00:16:56,900 --> 00:16:57,900 Right -o. 306 00:17:01,180 --> 00:17:06,319 I've got some chocolate fingers sent to me by Bertrand Russell's sister, Jane. 307 00:17:10,859 --> 00:17:12,000 It's beautiful, Gavin. 308 00:17:13,339 --> 00:17:16,920 It sort of adds a whole new dimension to the concept of pine shelving. 309 00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:20,020 Would it be an honour to have this in one's kitchen? 310 00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:22,819 Every time you put a mug on it. 311 00:17:23,630 --> 00:17:27,290 You can hear the echo of the Norwegian lumberjack calling his loved one. It's a 312 00:17:27,290 --> 00:17:28,290 frozen tune. 313 00:17:29,290 --> 00:17:35,530 Hello, Marianne. 314 00:17:41,110 --> 00:17:42,890 Marianne, please. 315 00:17:48,030 --> 00:17:50,190 This is shelving and plasterboard. 316 00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:57,880 She has a couple of problems. 317 00:17:59,180 --> 00:18:01,740 And, of course, the grain is quite wonderful. 318 00:18:02,460 --> 00:18:09,420 Lovely, evenly spaced rings and... I don't know what 319 00:18:09,420 --> 00:18:10,420 I'm going to do about it. 320 00:18:11,420 --> 00:18:14,640 And so, Jane Russell always sends me chocolate fingers. 321 00:18:15,060 --> 00:18:18,560 Thank you, Tom. And Joan Crawford always sends me acid drops. 322 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:20,280 But she would, wouldn't she? 323 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:23,360 Tom, don't talk. No, really, don't mind me. 324 00:18:23,740 --> 00:18:24,740 It's fascinating. 325 00:18:25,770 --> 00:18:27,810 For sake, will you stop being so tolerant? 326 00:18:28,390 --> 00:18:31,070 Just because you're a vicar doesn't mean to say you have to tolerate every 327 00:18:31,070 --> 00:18:32,810 crackpot that pops out of the woodwork. 328 00:18:33,330 --> 00:18:35,070 He might just be being nice. 329 00:18:35,310 --> 00:18:38,890 Nonsense. He's just trying to live up to a preconceived image of what a country 330 00:18:38,890 --> 00:18:44,110 vicar should be. All wifty -wafty and fake and doubly wise and thinking 331 00:18:44,110 --> 00:18:45,110 are nice people. 332 00:18:45,990 --> 00:18:46,990 Am I right, Dennis? 333 00:18:47,270 --> 00:18:48,930 Well, I... May I? She agrees with me. 334 00:18:49,650 --> 00:18:51,210 Maybe he'd like to talk for himself. 335 00:18:51,830 --> 00:18:52,870 Away you go, Dennis. 336 00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:56,560 Now, listen, Dennis. 337 00:18:56,940 --> 00:19:01,300 It's not every day that we go to a funeral and we see the vicar dropping 338 00:19:01,300 --> 00:19:02,720 marbles all down the pulpit steps. 339 00:19:04,020 --> 00:19:06,580 It's a pity it's not every day. It'd be great fun, but there you are. 340 00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:10,260 What we want to know is, what's up, Reb? 341 00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:15,280 Mind you, I think you were spot on with ugly little bastard Jones. 342 00:19:16,100 --> 00:19:21,180 I think we're on the Damascus Road here. 343 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:22,400 Yeah. 344 00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:25,680 In a perverted sort of way, it is the Damascus Road. 345 00:19:25,900 --> 00:19:30,380 But instead of, like St Paul, looking up and seeing the blinding light of faith, 346 00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:33,940 I have looked up and seen the outer darkness. 347 00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:36,460 The empty chasms of the soul. 348 00:19:36,740 --> 00:19:39,520 The snake rising in the bowels of hell. 349 00:19:39,740 --> 00:19:41,580 Is he talking about Dasko? 350 00:19:44,340 --> 00:19:48,780 Dennis, would you just care to run that past us again without the fire and 351 00:19:48,780 --> 00:19:49,780 brimstone? 352 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,820 I have lost my faith. 353 00:19:55,590 --> 00:19:56,830 I mean, tut -tut. 354 00:19:57,870 --> 00:19:59,190 Lost your faith, eh? 355 00:19:59,470 --> 00:20:00,470 Mm -hmm. 356 00:20:00,510 --> 00:20:01,510 You were right. 357 00:20:01,710 --> 00:20:06,990 Most of us just go through a set of programmed, pious motions. I do my best. 358 00:20:06,990 --> 00:20:10,330 perform all the ceremonies. I scuttle round the parish, picking up the bits 359 00:20:10,330 --> 00:20:11,970 missed out by the welfare state. 360 00:20:12,210 --> 00:20:13,250 But it means nothing. 361 00:20:13,670 --> 00:20:16,490 More people go to the pub quiz night than go to church. 362 00:20:16,750 --> 00:20:17,750 Questions are easier. 363 00:20:18,850 --> 00:20:23,190 I'm not what I set out to be. I'm not a vital, central part of the community. 364 00:20:24,030 --> 00:20:28,430 I'm just an unclaimed simple worker trying to prop up yesterday's 365 00:20:28,850 --> 00:20:30,730 I'm something out of an eeling comedy. 366 00:20:31,270 --> 00:20:36,670 People talk slowly to me and Americans take photographs of me with their arms. 367 00:20:39,970 --> 00:20:40,970 Chalky finger. 368 00:20:41,590 --> 00:20:42,569 Thank you. 369 00:20:42,570 --> 00:20:46,190 Well, you have come to the right place to get a balanced view of faith. 370 00:20:46,450 --> 00:20:47,450 Really? Oh, yes. 371 00:20:47,630 --> 00:20:50,450 Tom has buckets of it. I have absolutely none at all. 372 00:20:50,730 --> 00:20:53,230 But how do you survive without faith? 373 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:58,300 Very well, thank you. She survives by venom, revenge and general loathing of 374 00:20:58,300 --> 00:21:02,660 everybody. But don't you find your life to be an empty void, a non -statement? 375 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,000 Yes. 376 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,880 This doesn't worry you? No, not at all. I've always thought of life as something 377 00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:10,020 that just happens and then stops happening. 378 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:13,180 Anything else is just delusions of grandeur. 379 00:21:13,740 --> 00:21:14,739 And you, Tom? 380 00:21:14,740 --> 00:21:15,800 Oh, it's quite simple. 381 00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:18,460 I have faith and I have a much better time than she does. 382 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:23,920 You! Haven't lost your faith, Mary, you know. You're just on a bit of a downer, 383 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:24,599 that's all. 384 00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:25,600 Nonsense, he's going crackers. 385 00:21:26,980 --> 00:21:30,640 It would have been much better if I'd never had any faith, and then I wouldn't 386 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:31,640 know what I was missing. 387 00:21:31,660 --> 00:21:34,800 Oh, my God, tormented souls first on the right. 388 00:21:35,460 --> 00:21:40,660 Listen, Dennis, there are thousands of people out there desperate for help, and 389 00:21:40,660 --> 00:21:43,420 they couldn't give a toss whether you got faith or foot wrong. 390 00:21:43,980 --> 00:21:44,980 So just... 391 00:21:45,150 --> 00:21:47,230 piddling about, get out there and do something. 392 00:21:47,610 --> 00:21:50,310 Or they'll lock you up in the funny farm and then you'll be a total waste of 393 00:21:50,310 --> 00:21:52,490 space. What you need is a cause, Dennis. 394 00:21:52,690 --> 00:21:53,910 What he needs is a kick up the bum. 395 00:21:54,970 --> 00:21:58,230 Ah, I've got just the cause for you, really. 396 00:21:58,530 --> 00:22:00,570 Yes, he wants you to tunnel out of cold bits with him. 397 00:22:01,990 --> 00:22:06,350 I want you to save my daughter -in -law. Oh, my God. 398 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:10,700 She's lost her way as a wife and a mother. She's lost her way as a lush and 399 00:22:10,700 --> 00:22:11,700 tart. 400 00:22:11,860 --> 00:22:15,000 She needs someone to take her by the hand. Or by the throat. 401 00:22:15,220 --> 00:22:16,220 Quiet, Diana. 402 00:22:16,660 --> 00:22:21,660 And lead her back to the true path. Will you do it for me? It may not be a great 403 00:22:21,660 --> 00:22:24,940 step, but it might be the first step. Oh, I don't know, Tom. 404 00:22:25,500 --> 00:22:27,560 I mean, where would I find her? 405 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:29,580 Probably on her back in the off -license. 406 00:22:52,139 --> 00:22:53,720 wackos convention this'll be. 407 00:22:55,460 --> 00:22:58,580 Geoffrey, this is Dennis, who I was telling you about. 408 00:22:59,700 --> 00:23:00,700 Hello. 409 00:23:01,220 --> 00:23:02,620 Could I have a word, Doctor? 410 00:23:03,700 --> 00:23:04,700 Yes. 411 00:23:05,020 --> 00:23:06,040 She won't do it, though. 412 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:09,640 What? So she doesn't need some barking vicar telling her how to run her life. 413 00:23:10,700 --> 00:23:11,700 Oh, dear. 414 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:14,520 Well, she might have a point, though. Check this fellow out. 415 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:18,880 He's been suspended by the bishop. He christened some baby ugly little bastard 416 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:19,880 Jones. 417 00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:26,800 But he needs a lost soul to bring back to us. He will try so hard. I'm sorry, 418 00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:29,220 Dad. She quite refuses to be counselled. 419 00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:33,080 She threw a gun at me. She can't even get that right. 420 00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:38,620 Oh, well, I did try. You did, Dad, but I don't think that one manic depressive 421 00:23:38,620 --> 00:23:40,700 is necessarily the right person to counsel another. 422 00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:45,560 Oh, I'm not so sure. 423 00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:48,760 Good grief, she's talking to him. 424 00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:50,940 She hasn't talked to me for months. 425 00:23:55,180 --> 00:23:56,119 What is? 426 00:23:56,120 --> 00:24:01,740 The Reverend Dennis is trying to find his face by saving a distressed soul. 427 00:24:02,060 --> 00:24:04,960 I am a distressed soul, Jane. Oh, Harvey. 428 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,120 Jane, you're touching me. Sorry, Harvey. 429 00:24:08,460 --> 00:24:10,620 How is your soul distressed? 430 00:24:11,020 --> 00:24:12,480 Well, look at that for a tailor's bill. 431 00:24:13,940 --> 00:24:17,120 Maybe you don't need so many suits, Harvey. 432 00:24:17,540 --> 00:24:18,860 Jane, look at me. 433 00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:21,640 Carefully. 434 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:23,200 What do you see? 435 00:24:23,820 --> 00:24:25,080 A fine man. 436 00:24:25,420 --> 00:24:32,000 A man who is so sensitive that he has to hide his vulnerability behind a veneer 437 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:38,640 of worldly, almost crass behaviour, lest he be crushed like the delicate flower 438 00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:39,860 he really is. 439 00:24:40,220 --> 00:24:42,340 Jane, you see a man in his prime. 440 00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:43,840 Oh, I do. 441 00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:47,180 A man approaching 40, 35. 442 00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:50,100 But a man with something missing. 443 00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:52,460 Oh, that's not true, Harvey. 444 00:24:53,770 --> 00:24:54,770 Listen to Diana. 445 00:24:55,050 --> 00:24:57,250 You haven't got anything missing. 446 00:24:58,010 --> 00:25:01,330 If you had, you'd have a much higher voice. 447 00:25:02,470 --> 00:25:05,210 I meant, Jane, I am missing a partner. 448 00:25:05,990 --> 00:25:07,110 Oh, Harvey. 449 00:25:07,350 --> 00:25:11,190 No, there comes a time in a real man's life when he has to stop playing the 450 00:25:11,190 --> 00:25:15,270 field. No matter how much the crowd may roar for him to play one more season, 451 00:25:15,510 --> 00:25:19,330 there comes a time in a real man's life when he has to start looking around for 452 00:25:19,330 --> 00:25:20,289 his first wife. 453 00:25:20,290 --> 00:25:21,610 Oh, I think I'm going to faint. 454 00:25:25,260 --> 00:25:26,740 to tell me something, Harvey? 455 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,000 I certainly am, Jane. 456 00:25:28,900 --> 00:25:30,900 I want you. You can have me. 457 00:25:31,140 --> 00:25:35,000 I want you to help me. How can I help you? I want you to help me to find a 458 00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:36,000 decent wife. 459 00:25:36,420 --> 00:25:41,860 I want to join that new tennis club. There must be stacks of rich, idle women 460 00:25:41,860 --> 00:25:44,280 hanging around there who want a real man's man like me. 461 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:46,720 You write me a few references, will you, Jane? 462 00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:54,820 He knows how a tailored bill can hurt. 463 00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:57,720 You're kidding. 464 00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:01,380 No. Harvey has decided he wants to get married. 465 00:26:01,700 --> 00:26:05,560 But I thought he already was married to a Catholic concert pianist with TB in a 466 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:06,560 clinic in Switzerland. 467 00:26:07,340 --> 00:26:09,280 I'm not entirely silly, Diana. 468 00:26:09,820 --> 00:26:12,720 I know you got him to say that just to cheer me up. 469 00:26:13,340 --> 00:26:16,440 Well, what about that woman who posed naked on tractors? She was real? 470 00:26:16,860 --> 00:26:18,600 I think that's what's brought this on. 471 00:26:19,260 --> 00:26:25,740 She threw him over for an underwater welder and went to live with him on an 472 00:26:25,740 --> 00:26:28,860 rig near Spitsbergen -Dorferhofer -Bladwegelstein. 473 00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:32,320 Where? 474 00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:35,160 Spitsbergen. Oh, the North Sea. 475 00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:36,560 I've been there. 476 00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:41,300 I went after the creature that took off my leg, Moby Dick, the big white whale. 477 00:26:41,580 --> 00:26:43,440 Hello? Oh, our very own... 478 00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:49,280 Oh, now, don't worry, Jane. We'll sort Harvey out for you, even if we have to 479 00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:52,320 deliver him dead to your doorstep. Oh, thank you, Diana. 480 00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:58,320 Geoffrey, how's it going? What news of the anti -depression crusade? Oh, it's 481 00:26:58,320 --> 00:26:59,320 going really well. 482 00:26:59,420 --> 00:27:03,420 Good. Yes, Marion sounded most cheerful when I last spoke to her. 483 00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:07,380 When you last spoke to her? Yes, when I last spoke to her at her spiritual 484 00:27:07,380 --> 00:27:12,160 retreat. Where's that? In Wales, where she is staying with a reverend Dennis 485 00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:13,200 Bloody Sparrow. 486 00:27:15,070 --> 00:27:15,969 Golly, T. 487 00:27:15,970 --> 00:27:19,310 Willikerson. But... Oh, come along, Geoffrey. 488 00:27:19,530 --> 00:27:23,490 The man's a vicar. He's only ministering to her inner turmoil. 489 00:27:24,030 --> 00:27:27,590 That's why when she rang me, she was laughing and screaming and gasping, and 490 00:27:27,590 --> 00:27:30,130 could hear a drunken vicar singing rude psalms in the background. 491 00:27:30,890 --> 00:27:34,190 My wife has run off with a vicar, and it's all your fault. 492 00:27:34,870 --> 00:27:35,870 And yours. 493 00:27:36,830 --> 00:27:38,170 This is terrible. 494 00:27:38,430 --> 00:27:39,309 Most alarming. 495 00:27:39,310 --> 00:27:41,330 A man of the cloth. Quite outrageous.