1 00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:51,120 Yin and your yang. 2 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,120 Yin's fine, but the old yang's a bit creaky. 3 00:00:54,500 --> 00:00:55,620 And how are your eyes? 4 00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:59,980 Oh, as good as ever. I pop them into a glass of sterodont each night. They come 5 00:00:59,980 --> 00:01:01,180 up nice and bright in the morning. 6 00:01:01,620 --> 00:01:05,040 Why do you want them? I was just wondering if you were adequately barking 7 00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:06,600 to do today's cryptic crossword. 8 00:01:06,940 --> 00:01:12,600 Chinese. Well, it's nine letters, huh? I throw my weight around in North London. 9 00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:14,800 Islington. What? 10 00:01:15,540 --> 00:01:16,540 Islington. 11 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,160 Islington. 12 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:23,660 Aye, aye, throw sling, wait tongue, North London, Islington. 13 00:01:24,500 --> 00:01:25,580 Could be, I suppose. 14 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:27,800 Give me another. 15 00:01:27,940 --> 00:01:32,120 No, it's all right. Finish it, have you? No, I just don't want to tax you. Oh, 16 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:32,919 don't worry. 17 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:33,920 Come on. 18 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:35,240 All right. 19 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:37,620 Ah, seven letters. 20 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:41,760 Mr. O 'Connor is unable to reach the highest register. 21 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:47,440 Death camp. 22 00:01:47,950 --> 00:01:48,950 What? 23 00:01:49,230 --> 00:01:54,610 Descant. Mr. O 'Connor, Des, is unable, can't, Des can't, Descant, the highest 24 00:01:54,610 --> 00:01:57,850 register. Yes, well, it's always pathetically simple on Thursday. 25 00:01:59,570 --> 00:02:04,610 I worked in an office for over 500 years, Diana. The cryptic crossword was 26 00:02:04,610 --> 00:02:06,750 delicate piece in the endless game of one -upmanship. 27 00:02:07,450 --> 00:02:12,110 If you finished it first, you were cock of the walk, but if you were beaten to 28 00:02:12,110 --> 00:02:13,210 the post, then you just... 29 00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:16,520 tossed it over your shoulder and said, oh, well, I wasn't really trying this 30 00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:19,620 morning. It's always so pathetically simple on Thursdays. 31 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:22,400 You are an old rat, Tom. 32 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:23,980 Yes, I try my best. 33 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:25,720 Do you know what? 34 00:02:25,820 --> 00:02:28,260 What? I don't know what I'm going to do today. 35 00:02:28,660 --> 00:02:30,280 Got no plans at all. 36 00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:36,600 Just going to be sitting here, gradually falling to bits, like an old car. 37 00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:40,060 Clunk! Oh, dear, my arm's fallen off. 38 00:02:40,420 --> 00:02:41,420 Yes. 39 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:42,600 Time. 40 00:02:42,890 --> 00:02:46,070 Too much time to fill up this end of life's comic book. 41 00:02:46,330 --> 00:02:50,470 Time is not a constant, Tom. It can only be measured by the individual user. 42 00:02:51,370 --> 00:02:52,730 My God, that's deep. 43 00:02:52,930 --> 00:02:53,930 I wonder what it means. 44 00:02:54,030 --> 00:02:57,050 Well, I'm just going to step out. 45 00:02:57,570 --> 00:02:58,590 Care to come with me? 46 00:02:58,930 --> 00:02:59,930 Where are you going? 47 00:03:00,150 --> 00:03:01,190 Troy. Troy. 48 00:03:01,510 --> 00:03:02,510 Ancient Troy. 49 00:03:02,590 --> 00:03:04,650 See if young Helen still fancies me. 50 00:03:05,890 --> 00:03:10,090 You could tag along and lecture Achilles on the inadequacy of his footwear. You 51 00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:11,790 are a total loop, Tom. 52 00:03:12,810 --> 00:03:15,170 It's better than being bored out of one's mind. 53 00:03:15,390 --> 00:03:16,390 Yes. 54 00:03:16,750 --> 00:03:19,230 Maybe I could go and set fire to Harvey Baines. 55 00:03:19,470 --> 00:03:20,470 You'd only get another. 56 00:03:21,850 --> 00:03:26,470 Maybe I could go and tease Basil and Betty about their hyperactive sex lives. 57 00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:28,210 Oh, oh, no, leave them alone. 58 00:03:29,090 --> 00:03:32,490 Basil wants to marry Betty. Oh, my God, how grotesque. 59 00:03:32,790 --> 00:03:36,330 He's been trying to get the courage up to ask her. Been in a dither for days. 60 00:03:36,990 --> 00:03:38,190 Basil is a lizard. 61 00:03:38,470 --> 00:03:40,450 Keep expecting him to flop off his skin. 62 00:03:40,770 --> 00:03:41,770 Oh, don't be rotten. 63 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:43,080 I enjoy being rotten. 64 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:48,780 Why don't you try and expand your emotional repertoire and be nice to 65 00:03:48,780 --> 00:03:49,780 a change? 66 00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:50,920 I dare you. 67 00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:52,100 What's to dare? 68 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:55,660 I thought, sir, you're chicken. You couldn't be nice if your life depended 69 00:03:55,660 --> 00:03:56,478 it. Of course I could. 70 00:03:56,480 --> 00:04:00,540 Oh, no. To you, every silver lining has a cloud. 71 00:04:00,820 --> 00:04:01,820 Rubbish. 72 00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:03,320 All right. 73 00:04:03,580 --> 00:04:04,740 I challenge you. 74 00:04:05,220 --> 00:04:08,340 I bet you can't be nice for a week. 75 00:04:08,620 --> 00:04:09,620 Wouldn't want to. 76 00:04:09,770 --> 00:04:10,770 You couldn't? Couldn't. 77 00:04:11,030 --> 00:04:12,070 Right, you're on. How much? 78 00:04:12,370 --> 00:04:13,890 One million pounds. Oh, don't be ridiculous. 79 00:04:14,490 --> 00:04:16,290 If you're going to bet, bet properly. 80 00:04:17,250 --> 00:04:18,329 Ten million pounds. 81 00:04:18,589 --> 00:04:19,589 Done. 82 00:04:20,990 --> 00:04:22,730 Starting now? Starting now. 83 00:04:24,570 --> 00:04:26,730 Hello, darling. Lovely to see you. 84 00:04:28,210 --> 00:04:31,470 I said, lovely to see you. 85 00:04:32,730 --> 00:04:33,750 What are you doing? 86 00:04:35,110 --> 00:04:36,110 Sorry. 87 00:04:38,210 --> 00:04:39,210 Lovely property. 88 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,780 Hardly reminds me of a tart's curtains at all. 89 00:04:43,340 --> 00:04:44,440 Are you all right? 90 00:04:44,780 --> 00:04:48,020 Could it be better? And may I say how well you do your job round here? Your 91 00:04:48,020 --> 00:04:50,000 endeavours bring a warmth to my heart. 92 00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:55,120 Oh, thank you, Diana. That's very nice. 93 00:04:55,460 --> 00:04:57,900 Oh, credit where credit's due. That's what I always say. 94 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:02,360 No, you don't. You always say, go away, Jane. Throw yourself under a bus. 95 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:05,560 It's just my little jest. 96 00:05:05,820 --> 00:05:07,440 Underneath, I'm a very nice person. 97 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:13,000 I think I'd better be off. The world seems to have gone a bit funny on me. 98 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:14,940 Janey Pops, my little angel of mercy. 99 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:19,080 Do you have a reason for coming in here, or are you just locked? 100 00:05:19,580 --> 00:05:20,519 Oh, right. 101 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:22,220 Harvey, Mr Baines. 102 00:05:22,500 --> 00:05:23,500 Such a nice man. 103 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,660 What? Don't ask me to repeat it. 104 00:05:26,740 --> 00:05:30,620 Harvey wondered if you'd like to enter a glamorous Grammy contest. 105 00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:32,520 A what? 106 00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:36,420 It's like a beautiful baby contest, but a bit older. 107 00:05:37,250 --> 00:05:39,930 I'll kill him. Diana, nice. 108 00:05:42,470 --> 00:05:46,930 Will you tell Harvey that I will discuss the subject with him at a later date? 109 00:05:47,390 --> 00:05:48,670 Oh, jolly good. 110 00:05:49,270 --> 00:05:50,270 Bye. 111 00:05:51,230 --> 00:05:55,370 Glamorous granny contest. That is not only sexist, that is ageist as well. 112 00:05:55,670 --> 00:05:59,950 He's really cut his mooring rope this time. I'm going to tie it to his watsit 113 00:05:59,950 --> 00:06:01,390 and swing him round my head. 114 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:07,340 A delightfully colourful image, but you can't. You must be pleasant for seven 115 00:06:07,340 --> 00:06:08,580 days. I want a suspension. 116 00:06:09,020 --> 00:06:13,420 Quite out of the question. A week of solid niceness or you lose ten million 117 00:06:13,420 --> 00:06:14,420 quid. 118 00:06:15,620 --> 00:06:16,620 Come on. 119 00:06:17,260 --> 00:06:18,360 Take your stick. 120 00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:23,800 And we'll go and spread a little happiness as we go by. 121 00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:28,900 Betty? Yes, Basil? 122 00:06:30,570 --> 00:06:34,130 I've been meaning to ask you something for some time now. 123 00:06:34,370 --> 00:06:35,370 Yes? 124 00:06:36,130 --> 00:06:38,890 I... I love... Yes? 125 00:06:40,910 --> 00:06:42,330 I... You love what? 126 00:06:43,730 --> 00:06:47,270 I love the way you swing your crooky melt. 127 00:06:49,570 --> 00:06:50,570 Good. 128 00:06:51,030 --> 00:06:52,030 There you are. 129 00:06:52,610 --> 00:06:55,050 Betty and Basil the Bonker. 130 00:06:59,180 --> 00:07:01,280 Basil still can't get his proposal out. 131 00:07:01,620 --> 00:07:04,060 Go and be nice to them. Be miscupid. 132 00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:06,840 Simple. They'll be wed by lunch. 133 00:07:08,940 --> 00:07:10,620 We have a great deal in common. 134 00:07:10,940 --> 00:07:12,280 Both like croquet. 135 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:14,280 Both like sex. 136 00:07:17,380 --> 00:07:21,120 So, I wondered if you would... Yes? 137 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:25,620 I wondered if you'd do me the honour... Yes. 138 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:26,840 Hello! 139 00:07:28,140 --> 00:07:29,140 Hi. 140 00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:30,680 Hello, Diana. 141 00:07:31,740 --> 00:07:34,500 Lovely to see you both. My favourite people. 142 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:42,240 If I didn't know better, I'd think you were smiling. 143 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,600 I am smiling, Basil. 144 00:07:45,580 --> 00:07:46,580 Who's died? 145 00:07:54,060 --> 00:07:55,060 Now... 146 00:07:56,780 --> 00:08:00,660 I have come to help Basil say what he wants to say. What do you mean? 147 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:02,700 Well, Basil fears rejection. 148 00:08:02,980 --> 00:08:05,760 So you must let him know that his advances won't be rejected. 149 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:07,180 They never are. 150 00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:10,560 Except Wednesdays when I'm at my sister's. 151 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:16,140 No, I mean, I know he may not measure up to Jack's standards in certain areas. 152 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:17,959 What's that? 153 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:18,960 Who's Jack? 154 00:08:19,140 --> 00:08:20,140 My late husband. 155 00:08:20,180 --> 00:08:22,380 And what are certain areas? 156 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,700 Well, Betty's husband was a well -known athlete. 157 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:27,700 Not just on the track, by all accounts. 158 00:08:28,060 --> 00:08:31,060 Oh, so I'm not good enough, eh? 159 00:08:31,300 --> 00:08:32,860 Of course you are. At least you're alive. 160 00:08:33,299 --> 00:08:36,299 Oh, thanks a lot. I didn't know you felt like this, Betty. 161 00:08:36,500 --> 00:08:41,600 But I don't. It's just as well I found out now how you feel, rather than when 162 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,780 I've given me all and ended up a burnt -out wreck. 163 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:47,000 Bloody rude. 164 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,720 Fine top gun round here. 165 00:08:55,530 --> 00:08:58,270 to get him this far, and look what you've done. 166 00:08:58,630 --> 00:09:01,770 I was just trying to be nice. Yes, very nice. 167 00:09:02,330 --> 00:09:05,110 Sitting there grinning like a sphincter. 168 00:09:05,850 --> 00:09:06,850 Sphinx, Betty. 169 00:09:07,150 --> 00:09:09,030 I know what I mean. 170 00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:14,510 What did I say? 171 00:09:17,990 --> 00:09:23,570 Oh, my God. 172 00:09:24,250 --> 00:09:26,170 I've ruined a grand romance. 173 00:09:26,770 --> 00:09:29,110 I told you being nice was a crazy idea. 174 00:09:29,490 --> 00:09:30,490 No, no, no, no. 175 00:09:30,650 --> 00:09:31,650 Keep at it. 176 00:09:32,610 --> 00:09:34,190 Goodness will win in the end. 177 00:09:35,150 --> 00:09:36,150 Now, 178 00:09:37,670 --> 00:09:39,450 be nice to Jenny. 179 00:09:40,250 --> 00:09:41,250 Hello, Jenny. 180 00:09:41,630 --> 00:09:42,690 Lovely to see you. 181 00:09:44,270 --> 00:09:45,470 You talking to me, Diana? 182 00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:47,630 I think you do a wonderful job in here. 183 00:09:48,310 --> 00:09:51,810 You leave me alone. I saw that smile on your face just before you hit the cook. 184 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:54,760 What's wrong with my smile? 185 00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:57,620 Well, it's like a crack in the walls of hell. 186 00:09:58,860 --> 00:10:03,220 One can smell the sulphur and hear the cries of the damned through your smile. 187 00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:06,440 I'm so glad I asked. Diana. 188 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,880 Here comes your ultimate test. 189 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:10,200 May I join you? 190 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:12,740 Delighted. Lovely to see you. 191 00:10:14,420 --> 00:10:19,360 Me? Yes, Harvey. You, you debonair rogue. 192 00:10:20,110 --> 00:10:23,410 Sit your handsome self down and amaze us with the many facets of your winning 193 00:10:23,410 --> 00:10:24,410 personality. 194 00:10:24,950 --> 00:10:25,950 Okay. 195 00:10:27,350 --> 00:10:28,550 And how are you, Tom? 196 00:10:28,870 --> 00:10:29,789 Dry rot. 197 00:10:29,790 --> 00:10:30,790 Jolly good. What? 198 00:10:30,970 --> 00:10:32,890 Dry rot. I've got dry rot. 199 00:10:33,230 --> 00:10:34,230 It's the damp. 200 00:10:34,470 --> 00:10:38,790 It's creeping up my body. It's reached my knees already. I went to Troy this 201 00:10:38,790 --> 00:10:43,410 morning and I wasn't allowed into the wooden horse lest I infected it. And it 202 00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:46,070 collapsed and altered the course of ancient history. 203 00:10:46,350 --> 00:10:47,350 Well, I'm glad I am. 204 00:10:48,170 --> 00:10:51,450 What is it you require of us, you dear darling boy? 205 00:10:51,750 --> 00:10:54,210 What have you done to split up Basil and Bessie? 206 00:10:54,730 --> 00:10:56,090 Nothing at all. A romance. 207 00:10:56,510 --> 00:10:59,630 A wrinkly romance would be very good publicity for this place. 208 00:10:59,870 --> 00:11:04,010 I want those two married and in the brochure. If people think that they can 209 00:11:04,010 --> 00:11:07,550 here, get hitched before they drop in their box, well, we'll have them 210 00:11:07,550 --> 00:11:08,550 by the bus lane. 211 00:11:09,370 --> 00:11:11,350 May I suspend the bet for 30 seconds? 212 00:11:11,650 --> 00:11:12,910 No. Just for a quick throttle? 213 00:11:13,170 --> 00:11:14,170 No. 214 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:19,240 Diana, no. You see, we need publicity, which is why I wanted to talk to you 215 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:20,240 about this. 216 00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:27,720 Natalco Process Dairy Foods Limited offers the over -60s the chance to win a 217 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:29,020 Caribbean cruise for two. 218 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:33,000 Enter our glamorous granny competition today. 219 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:34,440 What do you think, eh? 220 00:11:34,780 --> 00:11:36,560 A cup of acid down his trousers. 221 00:11:36,860 --> 00:11:37,860 No. 222 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,220 And what has this to do with me, Harvey? 223 00:11:40,460 --> 00:11:42,100 Well, I'm looking for a Bayview entrance. 224 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:43,820 And you thought of me. 225 00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:45,300 Well, yes. 226 00:11:45,620 --> 00:11:50,240 Glamorous granny, Diana Crippins. Thank you, Tom. No, no, it's not just about 227 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:54,940 looks, you know. It's about charm and personality and warmth and... Let's 228 00:11:54,940 --> 00:11:55,940 it. 229 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,140 Natalka Dairy Foods Limited. 230 00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:04,140 That rings a bell. Yes, of course it does, you big ninny. It's the company 231 00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:05,480 idiot son works for. 232 00:12:05,740 --> 00:12:08,340 By Joe, you're absolutely right. Of course. 233 00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:13,040 Harvey, you put Betty down as our glamorous granny contestant. 234 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:16,660 If she wins the cruise, she can take Basel. They can do their horizontal 235 00:12:16,660 --> 00:12:18,600 tangoing all over the Caribbean. 236 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:21,100 And all will be well again. 237 00:12:21,740 --> 00:12:23,360 How's that for being nice? Oh. 238 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:27,220 What if she doesn't win? 239 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:28,560 She will, Tom. 240 00:12:28,860 --> 00:12:32,200 She will. Oh, wonderful, Diana. Thank you. 241 00:12:32,420 --> 00:12:35,740 It's a pleasure, my swarthy little cherubunkin. 242 00:12:42,700 --> 00:12:44,720 This'll never work. Of course it will. 243 00:12:45,060 --> 00:12:47,420 Sun's so wet, he'll do anything daft. 244 00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:56,380 Come on, Marion. 245 00:12:58,020 --> 00:13:00,280 Open up, you dead slattern. 246 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:03,760 Hey, you've got to be nice to Marion. 247 00:13:04,220 --> 00:13:07,980 Oh, come on. The bed's off. This is a crisis situation we're in. 248 00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:09,200 No, sirree. 249 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:11,700 This is the ultimate, ultimate test. 250 00:13:13,770 --> 00:13:14,770 God, what do you want? 251 00:13:15,070 --> 00:13:17,630 The pleasure of your wonderful company, Marion. 252 00:13:19,230 --> 00:13:20,530 Jeffy, your dad's here. 253 00:13:20,930 --> 00:13:23,130 And the bitch from the Black Lagoon. 254 00:13:25,030 --> 00:13:27,810 Red Roll, Black Lagoon. 255 00:13:29,670 --> 00:13:30,710 I'll kill her. 256 00:13:32,670 --> 00:13:33,830 What do you mean? 257 00:13:34,870 --> 00:13:36,490 I'm looking wonderful today. 258 00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,510 You look wonderful today. 259 00:13:39,550 --> 00:13:43,590 Rosy cheeks, lovely complexion, and the pink gin matches the colour of your 260 00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:47,570 eyes. You know, when you smile, you look like a dead cat. 261 00:13:47,990 --> 00:13:52,670 Oh, Marion, you bring a flutter of warmth to my wintry heart. 262 00:13:52,890 --> 00:13:54,130 Inspector Pacemaker's on the blink. 263 00:13:54,790 --> 00:13:56,070 What are you up to, Diana? 264 00:13:56,330 --> 00:13:57,330 Just being nice. 265 00:13:57,390 --> 00:14:02,050 Precisely. I feel like a goldfish who's just noticed a shark having a cigarette 266 00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:03,270 on the other side of his bowl. 267 00:14:03,590 --> 00:14:04,650 No, Dad, no. 268 00:14:04,950 --> 00:14:07,430 Quite out of the question. What's going on? 269 00:14:07,690 --> 00:14:08,690 But, Geoffrey... 270 00:14:08,780 --> 00:14:11,560 All you have to do is to have a word with your boss. It's more than my job's 271 00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:15,460 worth. What does he want? He wants me to fix the company's glamorous granny 272 00:14:15,460 --> 00:14:17,800 thing. They want one of the couples at Bayview to win it. 273 00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,780 Betty and Basil. Betty and Basil? 274 00:14:21,100 --> 00:14:22,640 What are they, glove puppets? 275 00:14:23,140 --> 00:14:26,840 No, they're a sweet couple who have been rent asunder. A cruise will bring them 276 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:27,840 back together. 277 00:14:27,980 --> 00:14:29,580 Maybe Diana should enter the competition. 278 00:14:30,020 --> 00:14:31,340 That'll give them all a good laugh. 279 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:34,920 Diana. 280 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:37,720 Jeffy, she's going to kill me. Jeffy. Diana. 281 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:39,159 Robbie didn't. 282 00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:40,160 Grandmother's paper knife. 283 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:42,580 Diana, ten million quid. 284 00:14:45,020 --> 00:14:46,880 I told you it wouldn't work. 285 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,400 Geoffrey wouldn't say boo to a dead goose. 286 00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:52,460 Well, we've tried the monkey. 287 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:54,760 Now let's try the organ grinder. 288 00:15:09,290 --> 00:15:10,290 Pick this lad. 289 00:15:10,890 --> 00:15:12,290 Geoffrey, tell me, he's Scottish. 290 00:15:12,630 --> 00:15:13,630 What's your small change? 291 00:15:15,070 --> 00:15:17,130 Still got to be nice, Diana. 292 00:15:23,030 --> 00:15:27,670 I beg your pardon. What did you say? I'm so sorry. Would you like me to talk 293 00:15:27,670 --> 00:15:31,550 slower? I know you're from Glacier. I heard what you said, lassie. 294 00:15:31,790 --> 00:15:35,750 Please, don't call me lassie. I'm not a canine persuasion. 295 00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:39,290 Is this your missus? One of my many missus. 296 00:15:39,830 --> 00:15:41,950 The fairy's got to be quite out of your mind. 297 00:15:42,310 --> 00:15:44,970 The only one who can fix the competition so better can win. 298 00:15:45,510 --> 00:15:48,990 Simple bit of corporate fiddling. I'm sure you do it all the time. 299 00:15:49,610 --> 00:15:50,610 What? 300 00:15:50,850 --> 00:15:52,570 I certainly do not. 301 00:15:52,790 --> 00:15:56,610 Oh, come on. No one would employ his dim -witted son unless they were working 302 00:15:56,610 --> 00:15:57,610 some sort of fiddle. 303 00:15:58,050 --> 00:16:01,230 Geoffrey is one of my best salesmen. 304 00:16:01,490 --> 00:16:02,490 Good grief. 305 00:16:02,510 --> 00:16:04,610 Are the other ones actually living people? 306 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:13,020 This is a major competition covering half the country. I can't fix it. 307 00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:17,100 Well, could you just make sure that Betty gets into the final? I can't do 308 00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:18,700 either. No way. 309 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:21,120 Forget it. 310 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:24,280 Oh, Adrian, why didn't you build a bigger wall? 311 00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:26,160 Just a minute. 312 00:16:26,900 --> 00:16:28,500 What if we provide the premises? 313 00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:30,460 The main hall at Bayview. 314 00:16:31,150 --> 00:16:33,890 Grand sort of place, is it? Oh, yes, very grand. 315 00:16:34,250 --> 00:16:38,670 Greco Waitrose, a positive monument to bad taste. Oh, I'm sure you'll like it, 316 00:16:38,690 --> 00:16:39,950 and Harvey will love the publicity. 317 00:16:40,430 --> 00:16:41,450 And it won't cost anything. 318 00:16:41,810 --> 00:16:44,410 No. Oh, he likes the sound of that. 319 00:16:45,110 --> 00:16:46,990 Tight -fisted barbarian. 320 00:16:47,190 --> 00:16:48,190 Diana. 321 00:16:49,070 --> 00:16:51,450 Nice. Sorry, force of habit. 322 00:16:57,310 --> 00:17:00,050 There. You look really lovely. 323 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:05,660 I can't believe it. I got a wild card right through to the finals. Well, 324 00:17:05,660 --> 00:17:07,079 a very glamorous granny. 325 00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:10,720 And I'm a very generous Harvey. She's not supposed to know you, thorn -off 326 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:11,720 little quit. 327 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:16,000 I thought you were being nice to me. I am. If I'd been being unpleasant, you'd 328 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,200 be picking your teeth out of the wallpaper. 329 00:17:18,300 --> 00:17:19,740 Oh, thank you. 330 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:22,099 There's just one problem. What? 331 00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:24,160 I'm terribly nervous. 332 00:17:24,599 --> 00:17:27,339 I can't bear speaking in public. 333 00:17:27,540 --> 00:17:28,540 Oh. 334 00:17:29,900 --> 00:17:32,120 you get a cruise for two to the Caribbean. 335 00:17:32,780 --> 00:17:35,940 Fourteen hot, sweaty nights with the basil of your choice. 336 00:17:36,220 --> 00:17:38,040 But I get my nerves. 337 00:17:38,420 --> 00:17:40,080 I won't know what to say. 338 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:44,400 Oh, don't be so silly. Just say you love little cats and you want to work with 339 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,220 orphans. Be as brainless as you possibly can. 340 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,200 Harvey will know what to say. 341 00:17:50,140 --> 00:17:54,380 Absolutely. There's nothing to worry about, Betty. You just walk tall and 342 00:17:54,380 --> 00:17:58,160 them how much you love living here at Bayview and that their processed cheese 343 00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,160 so wonderful. 344 00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:00,560 That you bath in the stars. 345 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:05,060 You can't bath in cheese, Harvey. 346 00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:06,980 It can always be arranged, Jane. 347 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:12,880 Hello? 348 00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:15,120 Oh, heck. 349 00:18:17,060 --> 00:18:18,060 Tom? 350 00:18:19,020 --> 00:18:20,020 Cooey? 351 00:18:21,140 --> 00:18:22,380 Oh, he's off again. 352 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:32,440 I'm slain. 353 00:18:32,580 --> 00:18:34,060 Greek treachery. 354 00:18:34,700 --> 00:18:39,280 Oh, I am slain. No, you're not. 355 00:18:40,180 --> 00:18:40,919 Aren't I? 356 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,040 No, you're back here. 357 00:18:43,060 --> 00:18:44,940 Oh, so I am. Hello, Basil. 358 00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:46,360 Where have you been? 359 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:50,400 I have been to the court of Agamemnon, chatting up his daughter Helen. 360 00:18:50,860 --> 00:18:52,860 Ah, Bournemouth people, are they? 361 00:18:55,060 --> 00:18:57,840 Basil, you ignorant terrapin. 362 00:18:58,100 --> 00:18:59,520 Just you stick to the sex. 363 00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:00,920 Oh, no. 364 00:19:01,260 --> 00:19:02,360 I've given that up. 365 00:19:02,860 --> 00:19:07,100 Really? Yes, well, there's no point in flogging a dead horse, is there? 366 00:19:07,660 --> 00:19:09,460 No, I've never tried it. 367 00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:13,680 Apparently I'm not good enough for her. Oh, no, no, you've got the wrong end of 368 00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:16,100 the stick. No, I got the message loud and clear. 369 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:21,580 I'm not within a cooey of her late husband when it comes to the old bedroom 370 00:19:21,580 --> 00:19:24,400 boogie. So I'm packing it in. 371 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,280 This is most alarming. 372 00:19:26,660 --> 00:19:28,840 Yep, my shooting days are over. 373 00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:31,980 I've hung up me gun on the old barn door. 374 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:34,320 All over for me. 375 00:19:35,420 --> 00:19:37,260 Yes, well, probably for the best. 376 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:43,840 Oh, yes, this isn't Dodge City, Baz. This is a Bayview retirement home for 377 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:44,840 almost dead. 378 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:50,540 We come here not in search of the old rumpy -pumpy Fandango Duda, but to be 379 00:19:50,540 --> 00:19:56,240 quiet, reflective souls assessing our humble lives before trotting up the 380 00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:57,600 to meet our maker. 381 00:19:58,570 --> 00:20:00,990 Sounds incredibly dull and boring. 382 00:20:01,350 --> 00:20:02,350 Well, it is. 383 00:20:02,430 --> 00:20:07,830 It's noddy time here, slowing down, having a doze, and then one day not 384 00:20:07,830 --> 00:20:12,550 waking up and drifting away with a smile on our faces. 385 00:20:13,130 --> 00:20:14,510 Oh, bugger that. 386 00:20:14,710 --> 00:20:17,790 I want to crash out with a smile on me trousers. 387 00:20:21,290 --> 00:20:25,710 That's more like it. I thought for a moment you had lost your wonderful 388 00:20:25,710 --> 00:20:26,710 spirit. 389 00:20:27,270 --> 00:20:29,730 Ah, you cunning old beggar. 390 00:20:30,990 --> 00:20:32,370 So what am I going to do? 391 00:20:32,590 --> 00:20:36,630 Well, we're going to make sure that Betty wins this old granny thing. Then 392 00:20:36,630 --> 00:20:42,690 two can sail off into the sunset to a life of teeming carnality. 393 00:20:43,050 --> 00:20:45,850 But how are we going to make sure she wins? 394 00:20:46,130 --> 00:20:47,890 The same as we always do round here. 395 00:20:48,570 --> 00:20:49,570 Bribery, corruption. 396 00:20:50,090 --> 00:20:51,290 Threats? Blackmail? 397 00:20:51,510 --> 00:20:53,390 Oh, goody. Oh, what fun. 398 00:20:56,550 --> 00:20:58,370 ...for our glamorous granny. 399 00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:02,410 And I tell you, you're going to be hard -pushed to pick a winner out of these 400 00:21:02,410 --> 00:21:03,530 little old crackers. 401 00:21:03,830 --> 00:21:08,750 What a band. And now, if you could have our first contestant, Miss No More Great 402 00:21:08,750 --> 00:21:12,390 Ladies Bowling Club, Letty T. Bowler. Oh, letty. 403 00:21:12,790 --> 00:21:14,110 Oh, letty. 404 00:21:14,670 --> 00:21:15,890 Oh, letty. 405 00:21:19,710 --> 00:21:21,690 How did you, uh, how did you get on? 406 00:21:21,930 --> 00:21:23,670 I got half the judges in my pocket. 407 00:21:24,370 --> 00:21:27,570 One of them I managed to bribe with my forged luncheon pants. 408 00:21:28,390 --> 00:21:31,950 And the police chief was a pushover when I rolled up my trouser legs. Oh, 409 00:21:31,950 --> 00:21:32,950 brilliant. 410 00:21:34,290 --> 00:21:35,290 Where's Britt? 411 00:21:35,370 --> 00:21:37,130 Diana and Jane are getting you ready in the kitchen. 412 00:21:37,770 --> 00:21:38,770 Cutting it a bit fine. 413 00:21:38,950 --> 00:21:44,990 Now, all the way from Eastbourne Temple, Hedger's senior glamour granny, Miss 414 00:21:44,990 --> 00:21:47,790 Tara Mead. Good luck, Tara. Big cheers, Tara. 415 00:21:51,370 --> 00:21:53,230 Where is she? She's on next. 416 00:21:53,870 --> 00:21:56,270 Where is she, Jane? She's not coming out. 417 00:21:56,510 --> 00:21:57,810 What? It's her nerves. 418 00:21:58,090 --> 00:22:00,030 She's frozen stiff, just can't move. 419 00:22:00,910 --> 00:22:04,130 We'll talk to her. We can't. She's locked herself in the larder. 420 00:22:04,730 --> 00:22:08,610 But, Basil, you get her out of there. Not me. She gets violent when she's 421 00:22:12,220 --> 00:22:16,560 representing the Bayview Retirement Village, Miss Betty Hardcastle. Do 422 00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:17,560 something, Jane. 423 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:20,220 Miss Betty Hardcastle. 424 00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:21,880 Oh, 425 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:25,960 that's it. I give up. I'm going to tell them the old nag's been scratched. 426 00:22:26,380 --> 00:22:27,740 Oh, no, you don't. 427 00:22:28,140 --> 00:22:29,220 Oh, finish. 428 00:22:29,700 --> 00:22:31,380 Is Granny Bayview there? 429 00:22:31,660 --> 00:22:35,260 Out of my way. I'll give them Granny bloody Bayview. 430 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,020 Be nice, old thing. 431 00:22:44,140 --> 00:22:46,040 Emotions recollected in tranquillity. 432 00:22:46,740 --> 00:22:51,020 I've just been running your wondrous performance as Diana the Mad Axe Granny. 433 00:22:51,540 --> 00:22:56,340 I think it'll keep me amused long after my lifetime. In fact, if I'm reborn, 434 00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:58,360 I'll probably pop out still chuckling. 435 00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:02,440 Certain things had to be said. And you certainly said them. How did it go? 436 00:23:02,860 --> 00:23:08,280 Listen to me, you sexist, ageist, emasculated wimps. And then you started 437 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:09,280 getting a bit abusive. 438 00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:13,700 How dare they, cheating us like bloody novelty items in a fun fair, trying to 439 00:23:13,700 --> 00:23:16,920 buy our dignity with cheap trinkets and packaged holidays. 440 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:21,180 Oh, dear God, have the intellectual advances of the 20th century made 441 00:23:21,180 --> 00:23:25,080 no impact upon the dull burgers of Bournemouth? They have now. 442 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:26,800 Band -Aids all round. 443 00:23:27,380 --> 00:23:28,980 And that poor MC. 444 00:23:29,460 --> 00:23:35,060 Oily little twerp. Savaged by a pack of rabid grannies. I can still see his... 445 00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:39,580 Glistening dentures flying through the air, clacking out frantic calls of 446 00:23:39,580 --> 00:23:44,380 distress before being crunched underfoot by the weeping Harvey Bates. 447 00:23:44,660 --> 00:23:45,680 Seems him right. 448 00:23:46,740 --> 00:23:48,820 But, Diana, what was the point of it all? 449 00:23:49,580 --> 00:23:51,680 Basil and Betty will never get their cruise now. 450 00:23:52,020 --> 00:23:53,020 We shall see. 451 00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:55,060 Eh? What have you been up to? 452 00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:59,240 I made sure a journalist was there, taking lots of little notes. 453 00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:04,420 Well, now, if it isn't Raggedy Annie. 454 00:24:04,890 --> 00:24:05,890 And Basil Bogbrush. 455 00:24:06,230 --> 00:24:10,230 Harvey is very upset. Good. I'm more than upset, Jane. 456 00:24:10,450 --> 00:24:11,450 I'm suicidal. 457 00:24:11,830 --> 00:24:13,270 Well, don't let us stand in your way. 458 00:24:13,970 --> 00:24:16,290 Bayview's main hall is a disaster area. 459 00:24:16,570 --> 00:24:18,510 The fire brigade were not amused. 460 00:24:18,810 --> 00:24:24,050 And that comrade Shep is still embarrassingly involved with the Zimmer 461 00:24:24,830 --> 00:24:29,050 If this ever gets out, Bayview will be the laughing stock of the age management 462 00:24:29,050 --> 00:24:30,910 industry. And you as well, Harvey. 463 00:24:31,340 --> 00:24:32,340 Thank you, Jane. 464 00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:36,900 Wheresoever men are gathered together, the name Baines will provoke much 465 00:24:36,900 --> 00:24:40,340 hysteria and much dampening of the upholstery. 466 00:24:41,020 --> 00:24:43,240 And, of course, it will get out. 467 00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:47,100 My little journalist will be writing it up even now. I can just see the 468 00:24:47,100 --> 00:24:48,100 headlines. 469 00:24:48,380 --> 00:24:50,560 Bayview grannies cheesed off. 470 00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:54,320 Well, much as I am totally against all forms of blackmail... Yes? 471 00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:58,160 ..for the good of Bayview and Process Cheese, I have been authorised to 472 00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:00,120 negotiate with you. What do you want? 473 00:25:00,340 --> 00:25:01,309 Your head. 474 00:25:01,310 --> 00:25:04,550 On a platter garnished with petit pois, new potatoes and perhaps a little apple 475 00:25:04,550 --> 00:25:05,550 stuck in your mouth. 476 00:25:05,630 --> 00:25:08,190 Harvey didn't come here to be humiliated. 477 00:25:08,410 --> 00:25:09,950 Of course he didn't. We're enjoying it very much. 478 00:25:10,570 --> 00:25:12,210 Harvey, you must make a stand. 479 00:25:12,550 --> 00:25:16,250 You cannot be blackmailed. Tell them to publish and be damned. 480 00:25:16,930 --> 00:25:22,530 What do you care about your silly job when your honour as a gentleman is at 481 00:25:22,530 --> 00:25:23,530 stake? 482 00:25:23,710 --> 00:25:28,370 Like I said, Diana, what do you want? A Caribbean cruise for Baz and Betty. 483 00:25:28,650 --> 00:25:29,650 But she didn't win. 484 00:25:30,990 --> 00:25:32,110 she's still in the larder. 485 00:25:32,950 --> 00:25:38,110 It's a deal. And letters of apology to all the contestants. A really nice 486 00:25:38,110 --> 00:25:41,590 grovel, please, Harvey. You cannot debase yourself so, Harvey. 487 00:25:42,250 --> 00:25:44,230 Just write the letters and shut up, Jane. 488 00:25:44,530 --> 00:25:45,530 Oh, Diana. 489 00:25:46,950 --> 00:25:49,370 What a wonderful day. 490 00:25:49,910 --> 00:25:54,510 Violence, excitement, blood all over the carpet and a moral victory to boot. 491 00:25:55,350 --> 00:25:56,550 What are we going to do now? 492 00:25:56,790 --> 00:25:58,370 Well, I'm off to ancient Athens. 493 00:25:58,630 --> 00:26:00,450 Young Mr. Paris is holding... 494 00:26:00,860 --> 00:26:02,460 A glamorous muse competition. 495 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,860 A golden apple for the winner. 496 00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:06,120 Let me give you a tip, Tom. 497 00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:08,140 Aphrodite by a nose. 498 00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:13,040 Bye! Bye! 499 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:15,380 Enjoy yourselves! 500 00:26:17,220 --> 00:26:20,440 Well, ten days on a boat should kill them all, Curel. 501 00:26:21,060 --> 00:26:22,120 Wait a minute, Diana. 502 00:26:23,340 --> 00:26:24,780 Haven't you forgotten something? 503 00:26:25,060 --> 00:26:29,400 What? Well, much as I enjoyed your demolition of the glamorous granny 504 00:26:30,540 --> 00:26:33,800 I don't think that it comes under the heading of being nice. 505 00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:38,360 So? So, you still owe me ten million quid. 506 00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:40,400 Will you take any milk bottle tops? 507 00:26:41,360 --> 00:26:42,360 Of course. 508 00:26:42,460 --> 00:26:43,460 I'll get my bag. 509 00:26:43,940 --> 00:26:46,340 Ah, I've only got a dustbin lid. 510 00:26:46,980 --> 00:26:47,980 Have you got change? 511 00:26:48,220 --> 00:26:49,220 Sure. 512 00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:53,200 How wonderful. 513 00:26:53,820 --> 00:26:55,600 She's becoming almost as silly as me. 514 00:26:57,740 --> 00:26:59,400 Welcome to second childhood. 515 00:27:00,910 --> 00:27:03,950 Next stop, Mayor Oblivion.