1 00:00:41,100 --> 00:00:42,200 Look, please, Diana. 2 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:46,260 Well, are you going to make your move, or have I got time to bash out a quick 3 00:00:46,260 --> 00:00:48,280 novel? I'm thinking. 4 00:00:48,580 --> 00:00:52,660 Yes, I know. I can hear the terrible crunching of long, rusted gears and the 5 00:00:52,660 --> 00:00:54,760 tired creaking of a machine in pain. 6 00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:56,400 Very poetic. 7 00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:58,360 Oh, God. 8 00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:03,020 If I should die, think only this of me. 9 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:07,580 I played Tom Ballard chess while busting for a pea. 10 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:13,060 Well, go then. I don't want to go. I'm just trying to stop my brain from 11 00:01:13,060 --> 00:01:14,820 atrophying while you make your next move. 12 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:16,200 Ah. 13 00:01:18,300 --> 00:01:23,860 No. Oh, God. Strike him down. Come on, God, right now. Pop, frizzle, pile of 14 00:01:23,860 --> 00:01:26,040 dust. You don't believe in God. I'm getting desperate. 15 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:28,598 What's the hurry? 16 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:33,000 At my back, I always hear time's winged chariot hurrying near. 17 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:34,560 Andrew Marvel. 18 00:01:35,100 --> 00:01:36,540 Was he related to Captain Marvel? 19 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:40,300 Just make your move or I'll hide your teeth again. 20 00:01:41,700 --> 00:01:45,460 I'm just about to. Keep your knickers in the untwisted position. 21 00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:50,100 Checkmate. What? 22 00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:52,820 Checkmate. You can't do that. 23 00:01:53,020 --> 00:01:54,020 I just did. 24 00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:00,980 You can't do that. I just did. 25 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:04,380 But that's... We're playing chess. I changed the game. 26 00:02:05,540 --> 00:02:06,900 You lost, Diana. 27 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:11,520 Why don't you accept the fact that you were outmaneuvered by a vastly superior 28 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:15,540 mind? What is our overall score in games? 29 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:18,160 Can't remember. 30 00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:21,140 Diana, 408. Tom, 2. 31 00:02:22,660 --> 00:02:24,680 You are a really nasty loser. 32 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:28,140 You show me a nice loser and I'll show you a wet, weedy wimp. 33 00:02:28,380 --> 00:02:29,198 Oh, yes. 34 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:30,200 Yes, yes. 35 00:02:30,340 --> 00:02:31,480 The weakest goes to the wall. 36 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:34,420 Stand back, here comes Diana in her chariot. 37 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:40,640 To be gracious in defeat means that you are a person of nobility and 38 00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:42,960 sensitivity. It means that you are a loser. 39 00:02:43,860 --> 00:02:45,020 You've lost, Diana. 40 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:47,240 You lose everything these days. What do you mean? 41 00:02:47,940 --> 00:02:50,020 Well, where are your car keys? 42 00:02:50,540 --> 00:02:51,540 Oh. 43 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:54,460 What do you mean, my car keys? I haven't got a car. 44 00:02:54,900 --> 00:02:55,940 Lost that too, have you? 45 00:02:56,380 --> 00:03:00,020 You lose everything these days. I do not. What about your croquis mallet? 46 00:03:00,420 --> 00:03:01,420 It was stolen. 47 00:03:01,660 --> 00:03:03,160 And your last four walking sticks? 48 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:04,400 All stolen. 49 00:03:04,740 --> 00:03:06,140 Oh, yes, yes, yes, I'm sure. 50 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:08,520 Hot walking sticks are big business round here. 51 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:13,480 I expect to whip them off down a back alley, strip them down, change the 52 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:14,560 numbers and flog them in Italy. 53 00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:20,320 What point are you trying to make? The point I'm trying to make is that you are 54 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:24,960 getting absent -minded. The feeble fingers of senility are tugging at your 55 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,840 Dear God, I am not getting absent -minded. 56 00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:30,900 Yesterday we went to Ray Wood's funeral. 57 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:35,580 Who wore brightest yellow and asked which side the bride's family were 58 00:03:37,900 --> 00:03:42,180 Sometimes I just get a bit preoccupied. It's because my brain is still working 59 00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:45,980 at full speed and my body takes a couple of days to catch up. Well, I'm not 60 00:03:45,980 --> 00:03:49,420 inviting you to my funeral. A cranky canary hopping all over my coffin. 61 00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:50,980 Hello. 62 00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:53,300 Goodbye. 63 00:03:54,340 --> 00:03:55,340 Morning. 64 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:57,780 Diana, here's your walking stick. 65 00:03:58,060 --> 00:03:59,700 He left it in Betty Harker. 66 00:04:00,460 --> 00:04:01,880 Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. 67 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:03,400 And how are we today? 68 00:04:04,060 --> 00:04:05,260 I'm dead. Me too. 69 00:04:05,500 --> 00:04:06,500 Jolly good. 70 00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:08,980 I want to see you've been playing that thingy. 71 00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:11,000 Oh, I could never get the hang of that myself. 72 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:16,040 I always seem to get Mrs Purple doing it in the drawing room with a candlestick. 73 00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:21,620 Jane, what do you want? I can't believe you just came here to flaunt your 74 00:04:21,620 --> 00:04:22,620 appalling ignorance. 75 00:04:22,820 --> 00:04:26,800 Just checking you were coming in to lunch today. Oh, certainly I am. 76 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:28,960 am. Don't intend starving to death. Far from her to be poisoned. 77 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:31,300 To talk to everyone. 78 00:04:31,540 --> 00:04:34,500 He has a matter of great importance to discuss. 79 00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:38,960 What? I'm afraid it's a black day for Bayview. 80 00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:40,300 Please be there. 81 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:45,160 What is our beloved Fuhrer up to this time? 82 00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:47,780 Probably wants to cut the food rations. 83 00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:49,360 Double the guard. 84 00:04:49,700 --> 00:04:50,840 Bring in more dogs. 85 00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:54,740 It's definitely time to break out and head for Switzerland. Oh, no, not now, 86 00:04:54,860 --> 00:04:58,020 Tom. Dickie, Johnny, Ginger, Nobby. 87 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,460 Get the escape committee together. We're tunneling. 88 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:04,000 Not cold, it's again. 89 00:05:05,220 --> 00:05:07,520 All that bloody sand down his trousers. 90 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:11,780 They want to know what it's all about. 91 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:14,200 Don't you worry. I will shortly reveal all. 92 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:15,640 That should give him a good laugh. 93 00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:20,560 Ah, Betty. 94 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:22,680 Why did you steal my stick? 95 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:26,500 Oh, Diana, I never did such a thing. Well, it was found in your place. 96 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:31,380 You let... it there when you came to tea. I did not. You did, too. I was 97 00:05:31,580 --> 00:05:34,240 Basil, when I want your opinion, I'll pull your chain. 98 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:36,920 Don't you be mean to Betty. 99 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:38,200 Thank you, Basil. 100 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,140 Basil's at it again. 101 00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:42,180 Now, Betty's got the hots for him. 102 00:05:43,020 --> 00:05:46,500 Half -steady, the raffia -maffia call him. Grand old sod. 103 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:51,340 Now, now, if I could just have your full... Attention for a moment, please. 104 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:52,520 What's on the menu today? 105 00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:54,580 Wednesday ferret droppings. 106 00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:57,500 Excuse me, just a little bit of hush, please. 107 00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,280 Excuse me. 108 00:06:00,460 --> 00:06:01,460 James. 109 00:06:01,900 --> 00:06:02,900 Quiet! 110 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:08,360 Sorry, Harvey would like to have a little word. Because he can't manage a 111 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:12,420 word. Thank you, Diana. This is a serious matter, so if I could have your 112 00:06:12,420 --> 00:06:14,360 attention with no interruption. 113 00:06:14,820 --> 00:06:19,020 Is it about the contraceptive machine in the James family? 114 00:06:20,940 --> 00:06:21,699 It is not. 115 00:06:21,700 --> 00:06:23,900 There is no such machine, Basil. 116 00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:25,500 Precisely. 117 00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:28,020 It's a disgrace. 118 00:06:29,060 --> 00:06:31,980 It's a four -mile walk to the nearest chemist. 119 00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:37,200 And by the time you've been there and back, you can't remember what you went 120 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:38,200 for. 121 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,580 And the other party's probably dead anyway. 122 00:06:44,460 --> 00:06:45,460 Quiet! 123 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:52,740 Yes, let the idiot have his say. Let the idiot have his say. Thank you, Jane. 124 00:06:53,260 --> 00:06:56,500 Now, I want to talk about... about honesty. 125 00:06:56,780 --> 00:06:57,780 Honesty? You? 126 00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:58,880 Don't be ridiculous. 127 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:01,340 I want to talk about stealing. 128 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:03,200 Oh, jolly good. Stealing. 129 00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:04,880 I went to Norway once. 130 00:07:05,260 --> 00:07:06,460 Oh, what's that got to do with anything? 131 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,680 Nothing at all. I'm just telling you I went to Norway. 132 00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:10,380 Thank you, Tom. 133 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:15,120 Now, I'm sorry to report that some stealing has been going on here at 134 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:16,680 It's very cold in Norway. 135 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:20,240 Oh, for God's sake, don't talk about Norway. What's been stolen, Halfwit? 136 00:07:20,620 --> 00:07:22,100 Well, a string of pearls, for starters. 137 00:07:22,380 --> 00:07:24,620 Don't worry, Harvey, you haven't got the complexion for pearls. 138 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:28,620 Try some flashy gold medallions, they'd be very you. 139 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:31,940 They weren't my pearls. They belonged to Betty Hardcastle here. 140 00:07:32,220 --> 00:07:34,560 They came from my great -grandmother. Oh? 141 00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:38,360 Yes, and Betty's also reported stolen a brooch, a diamond ring and 15 142 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:41,520 crucifixes. 15 crucifixes. 143 00:07:42,500 --> 00:07:44,660 Dear God, what did they get up to in there? 144 00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:48,620 As you can see, we're in the middle of a crime wave here. 145 00:07:49,020 --> 00:07:50,020 So what should I do, eh? 146 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:51,280 It's time! 147 00:07:54,060 --> 00:07:55,060 Yes, it's very funny. 148 00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:58,780 Now, I'm going to give the guilty parties till the end of the week to put 149 00:07:58,780 --> 00:08:01,520 things back, and no more will be said. 150 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:06,380 Failing that, I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police. 151 00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:10,680 He is treating us like naughty children again. I'm going to slit his throat. 152 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:17,500 Maybe I should get in touch with my old chum, Hercule Poirot. 153 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:19,660 Unless he's still on that train. 154 00:08:20,140 --> 00:08:21,500 So a bit stupid is Belgium. 155 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:22,800 What's wrong with Belgium? 156 00:08:22,980 --> 00:08:25,040 You name me one famous Belgian. 157 00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:28,980 Well, um... Oh, that's true. 158 00:08:29,580 --> 00:08:31,280 Then there's Inspector Morse. 159 00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:35,320 And that female detective, Jemima... Puddle Duck? 160 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:36,640 That's the one. 161 00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:40,880 I don't think this is going to be solved by our ransacking popular literature, 162 00:08:41,059 --> 00:08:42,900 Tom. I think we're going to have to do this ourselves. 163 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:45,220 Oh, what a wonderful idea. 164 00:08:45,540 --> 00:08:47,080 A bit of sleuthing. 165 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:49,580 Pity we haven't got a body. 166 00:08:50,260 --> 00:08:52,280 It's always better when you have a body. 167 00:08:53,460 --> 00:08:56,360 Times of death, whiffs of cyanide, butlers. 168 00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:59,840 Tom. Yes? Shut up. We haven't even got a crime. 169 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,420 Of course we have. That jewel job at Betty's place. 170 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:05,080 No, don't be so dark. She just lost them. 171 00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:06,320 It's all that sex. 172 00:09:06,860 --> 00:09:07,579 What's that? 173 00:09:07,580 --> 00:09:12,320 The woman is befuddled. Old hot rod Basil has obviously thrown some switch 174 00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:15,540 Betty's gone rocketing off into some hormonal hyperspace. 175 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:17,560 It's all right. 176 00:09:17,910 --> 00:09:21,210 The same thing happened with me and Greta Garbo. I unleashed such elemental 177 00:09:21,210 --> 00:09:23,770 forces within her, she couldn't cope with life after me. 178 00:09:24,310 --> 00:09:25,310 Became a recluse. 179 00:09:25,890 --> 00:09:27,650 It's tough when you have the power. 180 00:09:29,470 --> 00:09:35,170 Even in the dark caves of doddering senility, the masculine ego comes 181 00:09:35,170 --> 00:09:38,310 out of the climb for one last feeble hurrah. 182 00:09:39,150 --> 00:09:44,490 What's your plan, then? Well, we question Betty, retrace her steps and 183 00:09:44,490 --> 00:09:49,710 loot. before that idiot Baines calls the local plodding, and we all end up with 184 00:09:49,710 --> 00:09:55,610 false confessions, broken ribs, pulped kidneys, shattered teeth, gouged 185 00:09:55,610 --> 00:10:01,430 eyeballs, and long lingering deaths in Broadmoor. Oh, such a cheery soul. 186 00:10:06,110 --> 00:10:09,650 Where was the jewel box, Getty? There, on the shelf. 187 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:20,560 Well, it's not there now. Well, of course it's not there now. If it was 188 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:21,459 we wouldn't be here. 189 00:10:21,460 --> 00:10:22,460 And are we here? Yes. 190 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:24,200 Therefore, it is not there. Right. 191 00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:25,440 I rest my case. 192 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:26,980 I wish to be elsewhere. 193 00:10:27,780 --> 00:10:30,920 So, uh, we know that the box has been stolen? 194 00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:33,840 No. We know the box has gone missing. 195 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,740 The concept of theft is mere speculation and surmise. 196 00:10:38,060 --> 00:10:43,020 So what did it do, evaporate? Oh, no, it may have been mislaid. Well, it wasn't. 197 00:10:43,060 --> 00:10:44,380 No, of course it wasn't. 198 00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:48,300 You know Basil. You hardly know which way is up unless it's lying down. 199 00:10:48,540 --> 00:10:52,300 All you ever want is peck, peck, peck. It's not true. 200 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:55,580 Basil also likes tea and conversation. 201 00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:58,680 Slowing up, are you, Baz? I need the sugar. 202 00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:00,960 I'm not 65 anymore, you know. 203 00:11:01,300 --> 00:11:03,720 Another 15 years and I'm packing it in. 204 00:11:04,060 --> 00:11:07,680 Betty, what visitors have you had apart from Mr. 205 00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:08,880 Machismo here? 206 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,160 Only Jane. 207 00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:13,880 Right, we'll check on her later. How about relatives? 208 00:11:14,630 --> 00:11:20,550 No, my relatives never come anymore. They don't understand about Basil and 209 00:11:20,610 --> 00:11:21,710 They don't think it's nice. 210 00:11:22,290 --> 00:11:26,930 I keep telling them it's very nice, but they don't think that's nice either. 211 00:11:27,470 --> 00:11:31,290 I got the same treatment from my lot when I moved Brigitte Bardot into the 212 00:11:31,290 --> 00:11:32,750 room. Thank you, Tom. 213 00:11:33,390 --> 00:11:34,690 Betty, any other visitors? 214 00:11:35,350 --> 00:11:37,210 Only you and Harvey Baines. 215 00:11:37,550 --> 00:11:41,030 Harvey Baines would hardly threaten himself with the police. He's not that 216 00:11:41,030 --> 00:11:42,030 stupid. 217 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:44,680 Then again... It's all right, Tom. 218 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:46,840 Oh, by the way, what's the time? 219 00:11:48,460 --> 00:11:49,460 Oh. 220 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,380 Why don't you go and lie down, Basil? 221 00:11:52,660 --> 00:11:54,580 Oh, have 20 minutes passed already? 222 00:11:55,180 --> 00:11:56,740 Oh, righty -ho. 223 00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:58,200 See you in a jiff. 224 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:00,440 What's going on? 225 00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:03,240 Well, don't let me keep you. 226 00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:08,200 I don't believe this. Betty, we are trying to find your jewels. 227 00:12:08,780 --> 00:12:10,160 Yes, well... 228 00:12:10,540 --> 00:12:11,640 You know what they say. 229 00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:16,980 Diamonds are forever, but battle's only for about five minutes, and I don't want 230 00:12:16,980 --> 00:12:17,980 to make it. 231 00:12:20,300 --> 00:12:21,920 This place is falling apart. 232 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:23,660 What are we going to do now? 233 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:25,660 Round up the usual suspect. 234 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:38,220 Why are you staring at me? 235 00:12:38,810 --> 00:12:40,590 You'd better come clean, young woman. 236 00:12:40,810 --> 00:12:41,910 I'm always clean. 237 00:12:43,870 --> 00:12:48,530 Tom, just leave this to me. Now, Jane, we are investigating the crime ripple 238 00:12:48,530 --> 00:12:52,290 that has disturbed the placid surface of our boring backwater. 239 00:12:52,710 --> 00:12:53,689 You what? 240 00:12:53,690 --> 00:12:55,630 It was the crucifixes, wasn't it? 241 00:12:55,890 --> 00:12:57,130 Tom! Admit it. 242 00:12:57,650 --> 00:12:59,310 You've always wanted to be a nun. 243 00:12:59,650 --> 00:13:04,630 You thought by collecting 15 crucifixes, you might get in for free. 244 00:13:07,340 --> 00:13:09,580 You might not be a bastard, but you've done it. 245 00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:12,100 Pretty good, eh? 246 00:13:12,420 --> 00:13:14,180 Tom, Jane is not a suspect. 247 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,200 Oh, thank goodness for that. 248 00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:19,480 Jane, we just want to know if you've noticed anything suspicious about 249 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:20,480 behaviour lately. 250 00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:21,499 How do you mean? 251 00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:24,260 Well, we don't think the jewels were stolen. We think she just put them 252 00:13:24,260 --> 00:13:25,540 somewhere and then forgot about it. 253 00:13:25,740 --> 00:13:29,740 Jane, I'm usually absent -minded. She's not usually swinging from the rafters 254 00:13:29,740 --> 00:13:31,320 with a geriatric pistolero. 255 00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:33,640 Do you remember, Lord? 256 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:37,880 Precisely. Anyone who sees him as a pre -epic god has got to have their marble 257 00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:39,060 furiously adrift. 258 00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:41,740 That could lead to all sorts of strange behaviour. 259 00:13:42,180 --> 00:13:44,380 Well, she's been buying him a lot of presents recently. 260 00:13:45,020 --> 00:13:47,040 Mostly humorous underwear. 261 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,040 But also some silk shirts. 262 00:13:50,380 --> 00:13:52,400 Purple. They'd be expensive. 263 00:13:52,740 --> 00:13:53,740 Where does she get the cash? 264 00:13:54,140 --> 00:13:55,140 I don't know. 265 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:56,720 She's not that wealthy. 266 00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:58,280 Thought as much. 267 00:13:58,440 --> 00:13:59,440 She's pawned them. 268 00:13:59,820 --> 00:14:00,940 How can we prove that? 269 00:14:01,180 --> 00:14:02,320 Well, follow up. 270 00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:04,500 You mean, put a tail on her? 271 00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:05,840 Brilliant. 272 00:14:06,500 --> 00:14:07,960 I'm a master of disguise. 273 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:09,760 Oh, dear God. 274 00:14:21,660 --> 00:14:22,660 Dad? 275 00:14:22,900 --> 00:14:24,660 Oh, Geoffrey. 276 00:14:25,340 --> 00:14:26,580 Marry her, my dear. 277 00:14:26,940 --> 00:14:28,620 I told you it was him. 278 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:30,880 Let me get out. What are you doing, Dad? 279 00:14:36,010 --> 00:14:42,930 A left -handed gardener with a copper trowel, wearing 280 00:14:42,930 --> 00:14:45,210 high -heeled shoes, working at your place. 281 00:14:45,730 --> 00:14:47,070 I'll ring for an ambulance. 282 00:14:47,590 --> 00:14:49,310 Dad? I'm following a suspect. 283 00:14:49,590 --> 00:14:51,730 Must away before the opium wears off. 284 00:14:56,190 --> 00:14:59,030 In the good old days, they just bunged them in an asylum. 285 00:14:59,430 --> 00:15:01,110 Not now. Oh, no. 286 00:15:01,850 --> 00:15:04,150 Now they're pushed out into the community. 287 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:07,560 And the high streets are crawling with old loopies. 288 00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:09,080 Do take a pill, dear. 289 00:15:09,580 --> 00:15:10,580 Hello, Geoffrey. 290 00:15:10,860 --> 00:15:12,400 Shouldn't you have your wife on a lead? 291 00:15:16,940 --> 00:15:18,640 This isn't a pawn shop. 292 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:20,720 Just keep watching. 293 00:15:28,620 --> 00:15:30,240 Good grief, did you see that? 294 00:15:30,460 --> 00:15:31,460 What? 295 00:15:46,819 --> 00:15:47,980 She's a master criminal. 296 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:50,480 She's a daffy old duck. Come on. 297 00:15:59,140 --> 00:16:01,460 Oh, my God. 298 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:02,960 She's been spotted. 299 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:06,060 Quick, get after her. If she goes out the shop with that lot, she'll be 300 00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:25,360 Teddy, give me that. 301 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:29,760 Excuse me, sir. 302 00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:31,720 Oh, God. 303 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:33,840 I can explain. 304 00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,100 Would you mind coming to the office, please? 305 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:37,700 Why, no. Why not? 306 00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:42,060 How long has it gone? 307 00:16:43,860 --> 00:16:45,280 Somebody's just taken Dad away. 308 00:16:45,820 --> 00:16:47,000 That's a good idea. 309 00:16:51,100 --> 00:16:52,220 Holmes, is that so? 310 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:53,480 That's right. 311 00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:54,560 S. Holmes. 312 00:16:54,860 --> 00:16:55,980 S. as in Sherlock. 313 00:16:58,380 --> 00:17:01,580 We do always prosecute, sir. The police have been called. 314 00:17:01,900 --> 00:17:02,980 Will it be Mr. Dickson? 315 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:06,180 Why don't you make it easy on yourself and give me the details? 316 00:17:06,579 --> 00:17:09,099 Name? Well, I don't know. 317 00:17:09,420 --> 00:17:10,780 I've never met you before. 318 00:17:11,700 --> 00:17:13,359 Your name, sir, not mine. 319 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:14,700 What is yours? 320 00:17:14,940 --> 00:17:17,839 It's Fraser, Ben Fraser. Now, if I could have yours. 321 00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:19,660 Ben, are you all right? 322 00:17:20,010 --> 00:17:23,589 Hello, old thing. Yes, meet my new young friend, Ben Fraser. And who are you, 323 00:17:23,690 --> 00:17:25,069 sir? Don't say a word, Tom. 324 00:17:25,410 --> 00:17:28,910 You're allowed to remain silent and you're allowed to make one phone call. 325 00:17:29,450 --> 00:17:31,610 Well, how can I make a phone call and remain silent? 326 00:17:31,890 --> 00:17:33,910 Just slam up. Leave it to me. 327 00:17:34,310 --> 00:17:39,370 Now, what is the charge? I don't do the charging, madam. I've called the police. 328 00:17:39,530 --> 00:17:42,330 They do the charging. So nothing's settled yet? Right. 329 00:17:42,590 --> 00:17:44,150 Well, you know that you've got the wrong person. 330 00:17:44,510 --> 00:17:48,930 Tom didn't mastermind this shrimp paste heist. 331 00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:50,480 He was framed. 332 00:17:50,780 --> 00:17:51,780 That's enough, Diana. 333 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:54,320 I was not framed. But it was Betty. 334 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:55,640 Enough! 335 00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:57,700 I am the guilty party. 336 00:17:58,220 --> 00:18:03,420 I take responsibility and am prepared to accept the full penalty of the law as 337 00:18:03,420 --> 00:18:06,260 meted out by the Revolutionary Tribunal. 338 00:18:06,580 --> 00:18:07,580 Tom. 339 00:18:07,860 --> 00:18:09,980 Tom, this is not a tale of two cities. 340 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:15,200 It is not a par -par -better thing you do now. This is a bloody dark thing you 341 00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:16,200 do now. 342 00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:18,020 I am a gentleman, Diana. 343 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:19,520 You are a pillock. Tom. 344 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:24,940 If you can see he's daft as a brush, just let him go and we'll be away from 345 00:18:24,940 --> 00:18:27,500 here. I'm sorry, madam. It's out of my hand. Why? 346 00:18:27,900 --> 00:18:28,940 Go on. Tell me why. 347 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:31,420 Policy. Oh, policy. 348 00:18:31,900 --> 00:18:33,380 To persecute the elderly? 349 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,460 To prosecute shoplifters. 350 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:38,380 What did you do before you worked here? 351 00:18:38,860 --> 00:18:40,280 I was a student at the poly. 352 00:18:40,500 --> 00:18:44,220 Oh, very nice. Work and play hard, did you? Yes. Nobody tried to kill you? 353 00:18:44,420 --> 00:18:45,760 No. You were lucky, weren't you? 354 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:49,700 When Tom was student age, people tried to kill him every day. 355 00:18:50,020 --> 00:18:51,380 He was in North Africa. 356 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:52,680 Don't know whether you've heard of it. 357 00:18:53,140 --> 00:18:57,000 Dusty place, full of men and tanks blasting the crap out of each other. 358 00:18:58,620 --> 00:19:04,360 Now, you see that star? 359 00:19:05,300 --> 00:19:11,280 He got that from a 9mm bullet while defending a set of ideals that would 360 00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:13,840 you to go to your damn poly and have a good life. 361 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:15,760 And how do you thank him? 362 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:21,080 By becoming some sort of automaton that does everything by the book because you 363 00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:24,780 are too young, too stupid and too heartless to make a decent decision off 364 00:19:24,780 --> 00:19:25,780 own bat. 365 00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:28,400 That's my appendix scar. Shut up. 366 00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:33,780 If you let people steal other people's property, where will it end? 367 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:37,520 He didn't fight for people to go around thieving, did he? He's got a point, 368 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:38,880 Diana. Just leave this to me, Tom. 369 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:41,800 Ben. 370 00:19:42,260 --> 00:19:43,260 Ben. 371 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:49,560 This is the first time Tom has ever done anything wrong in his entire life. 372 00:19:49,820 --> 00:19:53,320 He has never even crossed a street against a red light. 373 00:19:54,020 --> 00:19:56,000 Crime is not in his make -up. 374 00:19:56,200 --> 00:20:01,120 He is the most harmless, boring person in the whole world. 375 00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:03,540 That's not what Gene Harlow said. 376 00:20:04,180 --> 00:20:06,660 I robbed Wells Fargo for Gene Harlow. 377 00:20:07,140 --> 00:20:09,780 And he has but a tenuous grasp on reality. 378 00:20:10,180 --> 00:20:12,600 Now, one shock to that delicate system. 379 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:17,680 could send him tumbling back into an appalling world of B -movies, from 380 00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:18,680 he might never return. 381 00:20:18,700 --> 00:20:22,120 He'll only get a fine. Yes, but he will have to go to court. 382 00:20:22,420 --> 00:20:23,900 Oh, I'd enjoy that. 383 00:20:25,060 --> 00:20:28,760 Irrelevant, immaterial, ridiculous, Your Honour. I demand that be struck from 384 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:29,459 the record. 385 00:20:29,460 --> 00:20:31,740 The man is obviously a brutal killer. 386 00:20:33,100 --> 00:20:34,280 I rest my case. 387 00:20:35,540 --> 00:20:36,540 I'm sorry. 388 00:20:36,750 --> 00:20:40,030 But there can't be one law for the young and another for the old. That's true. 389 00:20:40,130 --> 00:20:43,590 You'd hate that, Diana. Age discrimination, be it in our favour or 390 00:20:44,510 --> 00:20:46,090 We can't be patronised. 391 00:20:47,570 --> 00:20:49,710 How about a large bribe? Sorry. 392 00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:52,050 Oh, no. 393 00:20:52,590 --> 00:20:54,430 Oh, shut up, Betty and Scarpa. 394 00:20:54,690 --> 00:20:55,770 I've come to confess. 395 00:20:56,090 --> 00:20:57,650 Oh, quiet, Betty and Skedaddle. 396 00:20:57,950 --> 00:20:59,050 That's my bag. 397 00:20:59,250 --> 00:21:02,570 I did the stealing. Tom here was only trying to stop me. 398 00:21:02,870 --> 00:21:03,870 Nonsense! 399 00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,120 I'm the only master criminal around here. 400 00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:08,940 It's a pair of cop guns. 401 00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:11,560 I can do my porridge. 402 00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:13,600 What's he all about? 403 00:21:13,820 --> 00:21:15,560 He thinks he's a member of the Lavender Hill mob. 404 00:21:16,500 --> 00:21:19,280 Don't listen to him. It was me. 405 00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:23,400 I'm always doing it. I don't realise until I get home. 406 00:21:24,020 --> 00:21:26,760 Sometimes I just can't get my thoughts together. 407 00:21:27,220 --> 00:21:31,460 You see, Ben, do you want to persecute this delicate human machine which is 408 00:21:31,460 --> 00:21:32,460 obviously on the blink? 409 00:21:33,660 --> 00:21:36,280 Dear God, you'll be arresting us for having cold next. 410 00:21:36,620 --> 00:21:39,760 I'm sorry, madam. I'm going to have to let the police sort this one out. What 411 00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:40,760 are you doing with my father? 412 00:21:40,900 --> 00:21:42,500 And which one's your father, sir? 413 00:21:42,860 --> 00:21:48,260 Well... Out of the three of us, which one do you think merits the title? 414 00:21:50,220 --> 00:21:51,560 Damned if I can work it out. 415 00:21:52,100 --> 00:21:55,860 Sorry, I'm getting a bit confused here. Who are you, sir? I'm his son. 416 00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:58,060 And I'm his wife. Is this your wife, sir? 417 00:21:58,300 --> 00:21:59,300 God forbid. 418 00:21:59,660 --> 00:22:00,660 That's his wife. 419 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:03,820 Her hobbies are valium gin and strangling tadpoles. 420 00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:08,900 I want to know what's going on. Your father's been apprehended shoplifting. 421 00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:10,540 Dad, is this true? 422 00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:12,660 Afraid so, Geoffrey. 423 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:17,620 I only did it so I could pay for your little sister's heart operation. 424 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:20,700 What's wrong with her heart? 425 00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:22,540 I haven't got a little sister. 426 00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:26,740 Does it mean he'll go to jail? 427 00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:28,000 Doubt it, madam. 428 00:22:28,490 --> 00:22:29,710 I want him released at once. 429 00:22:29,910 --> 00:22:32,410 I can't do that, sir. But he's an old man. 430 00:22:32,710 --> 00:22:34,270 We have already been through all that. 431 00:22:34,510 --> 00:22:36,530 I refuse to be released on the grounds of age. 432 00:22:37,650 --> 00:22:40,130 Jack the Ripper would be in his 140s by now. 433 00:22:40,630 --> 00:22:43,830 If they find him tomorrow, do you think he should be released because of his 434 00:22:43,830 --> 00:22:45,410 age? Certainly not. 435 00:22:47,970 --> 00:22:50,690 I demand my right to plead my case. I want the jury. 436 00:22:51,490 --> 00:22:55,850 And should the verdict of the people go against me, I shall face that last dawn. 437 00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:58,220 I shall walk that final corridor. 438 00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:02,300 I shall look the hangman in the eye like a man. 439 00:23:06,220 --> 00:23:07,220 Oh, 440 00:23:11,060 --> 00:23:12,140 here's Harvey now. 441 00:23:12,360 --> 00:23:14,180 He looks as if he's all right. 442 00:23:14,580 --> 00:23:15,580 Oh, what a pity. 443 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:19,420 Oh, Jenny, it's a black, black day for Bayview. 444 00:23:19,860 --> 00:23:20,900 Very black. 445 00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:25,140 Oh, I didn't mean black as in the colour black. 446 00:23:25,900 --> 00:23:28,000 I mean, black as in grey. 447 00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:29,780 Not that you're grey. 448 00:23:30,220 --> 00:23:35,140 I mean, it's a grey, grey day for Blackview. Bayview! 449 00:23:35,820 --> 00:23:36,820 Oh, dear. 450 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,000 Oh, Harvey, thank God you're back. 451 00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:42,500 Well, all I can say is it's a black day for Bayview. 452 00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:47,000 No, it isn't. I don't pay you to sit around, Jenny. Come on, get me some 453 00:23:47,340 --> 00:23:53,340 Oh, yes, I'm bought. Sure thing, Mr. Bailey. I get the coffee, I get the 454 00:23:53,340 --> 00:23:56,570 and the coconuts. Lord, I... working on them railroads. 455 00:23:58,950 --> 00:23:59,950 Fraps. 456 00:24:00,830 --> 00:24:01,830 What's the matter with her? 457 00:24:01,910 --> 00:24:02,910 Oh, never mind. 458 00:24:03,210 --> 00:24:06,430 How did you get on? Oh, when I got to the police station, the place was in 459 00:24:06,430 --> 00:24:09,830 uproar. Tom thought he was Mark Antony. The daughter -in -law was trying to get 460 00:24:09,830 --> 00:24:10,830 him a life sentence. 461 00:24:10,870 --> 00:24:12,990 And Diana had the death sergeant in her headlock. 462 00:24:13,330 --> 00:24:14,690 Do you think they'll be all right? 463 00:24:14,990 --> 00:24:16,870 Oh, I should think so. The police are a tough lot. 464 00:24:17,550 --> 00:24:19,130 No, I mean our people. 465 00:24:19,350 --> 00:24:20,350 Well, they're even tougher. 466 00:24:20,370 --> 00:24:21,950 I like to machine gun the lot of them. 467 00:24:22,310 --> 00:24:24,290 Oh, Harvey, that's not very caring. 468 00:24:24,860 --> 00:24:26,460 I care for my job, Jane. 469 00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:30,240 If the board hear that I've let half the residents get banged up in the local 470 00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:33,460 slammer, they just might begin to have the odd doubt about my competence. 471 00:24:33,820 --> 00:24:35,320 I'll stand by you, Harvey. 472 00:24:35,540 --> 00:24:36,740 Not that close, Jane. Sorry. 473 00:24:37,260 --> 00:24:38,720 Of course, Betty will have to go. 474 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:40,000 Oh, Harvey, no. 475 00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:42,860 One cannot stay here if one has a criminal record. 476 00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:48,160 Harvey, let he who has no sin cast the first stone. 477 00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:49,980 What are you gibbering on about? 478 00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:53,920 Didn't you have a spot of legal trouble, one? 479 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:58,720 If you are referring to my little disagreement with the inland revenue 480 00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:02,620 couple of tiny, tiny figures... Zeros, Harvey. 481 00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:04,720 Three of them. 482 00:25:05,140 --> 00:25:07,580 What exactly are you getting at? 483 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:11,600 I'm sorry, but I feel I have to be your moral guide at the moment. 484 00:25:12,180 --> 00:25:16,140 I'd hate the board to hear of your little irregularities. 485 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:18,240 I see. 486 00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:20,200 I see. 487 00:25:20,730 --> 00:25:23,990 Well, as it happened, I had already decided on a course of mercy and 488 00:25:23,990 --> 00:25:25,270 understanding towards Betty. 489 00:25:25,530 --> 00:25:28,290 Oh, Harvey, I knew you were a real Christian. 490 00:25:28,770 --> 00:25:29,770 Oh, I am, Jane. 491 00:25:30,070 --> 00:25:31,070 I am. 492 00:25:31,510 --> 00:25:34,590 The police are hopeless. They don't know how to do it at all these days. 493 00:25:35,090 --> 00:25:36,630 It was most disappointing. 494 00:25:37,450 --> 00:25:41,570 No fingerprinting, no mug shots, no line -ups, and they were so pleasant and 495 00:25:41,570 --> 00:25:42,890 polite. What's wrong with that? 496 00:25:43,170 --> 00:25:46,430 Well, there should have been some brutality. I should have been stripped 497 00:25:46,430 --> 00:25:49,590 thrown into a urine -stinking cell full of footpads and cutthroats. 498 00:25:50,799 --> 00:25:54,240 all wanting to slit me gizzard in switchblade jewels. 499 00:25:55,740 --> 00:25:57,900 Yes, they just don't watch the right movies. 500 00:25:58,300 --> 00:26:00,040 Well, I'll fix them tomorrow. 501 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:01,399 What's that? 502 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,140 The complete works of Perry Mason. 503 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:08,100 Oh, Tom, I wish you'd just get a barrister to plead guilty on your 504 00:26:08,100 --> 00:26:10,420 way you wouldn't have to go to court, just pay a small fine. 505 00:26:10,860 --> 00:26:11,900 That's not like you, Diana. 506 00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:14,860 You like a good fight. Yes, when I'm doing the fighting. 507 00:26:15,100 --> 00:26:18,640 I just know that if you conduct your own defence, you'll end up getting 90 508 00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:20,510 years. And then what will you do? 509 00:26:20,710 --> 00:26:22,010 The same as I always do. 510 00:26:22,610 --> 00:26:25,170 Get hold of Dickie and Johnny and tunnel out. 511 00:26:27,330 --> 00:26:32,290 As I am not only the defendant, but also my defending counsel, what do you think 512 00:26:32,290 --> 00:26:33,089 I should wear? 513 00:26:33,090 --> 00:26:35,010 How about wig, gown and ankle chains? 514 00:26:35,970 --> 00:26:37,730 You're not taking this seriously, Diana. 515 00:26:37,970 --> 00:26:38,549 All right. 516 00:26:38,550 --> 00:26:41,210 Get yourself a sign saying, have mercy, I'm a loony. 517 00:26:42,750 --> 00:26:48,230 I thought I should wear my dark grey. 518 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:49,879 That'll stun them. 519 00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:51,620 Do you think they'll notice the lack of buttons? 520 00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:53,240 Only if you attempt to do them up. 521 00:26:54,860 --> 00:26:58,120 I'd better go and sew them back on. Uh -uh -uh -uh. Give it to me. 522 00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:00,740 Oh, I couldn't do that. That would be sexist. 523 00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:05,040 If you recall, Tom, the last time you attempted to sew buttons on your 524 00:27:05,340 --> 00:27:09,020 we spent three hours at the hospital and you were offered serious counselling by 525 00:27:09,020 --> 00:27:10,020 the local rabbi. 526 00:27:12,500 --> 00:27:14,460 I shall go and get my sewing box. 527 00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:16,720 You lost your sewing box. 528 00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:18,420 I borrowed Betty's. 529 00:27:18,820 --> 00:27:20,480 You borrowed Betty's? 530 00:27:22,020 --> 00:27:23,680 You borrowed Betty's? 531 00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:24,960 Diana! 532 00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:31,420 Silly old bat! 533 00:27:33,060 --> 00:27:37,320 I can't believe they went ahead with the prosecution. 534 00:27:37,740 --> 00:27:40,860 We live in a stupid and ignorant society, Jane. 535 00:27:41,500 --> 00:27:45,900 No one is capable of moral division, so they have to make laws that preclude the 536 00:27:45,900 --> 00:27:47,240 necessity of thinking for themselves. 537 00:27:48,100 --> 00:27:50,700 Without laws, there would be anarchy. 538 00:27:51,140 --> 00:27:52,320 What's wrong with anarchy? 539 00:27:52,700 --> 00:27:54,400 If you haven't tried it, don't knock it. 540 00:27:55,420 --> 00:27:58,600 Oh, my God, here comes our own little sexual anarchism. 541 00:27:59,540 --> 00:28:00,479 Morning, Basil. 542 00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:01,480 The voting shirt. 543 00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:03,000 Jury is still out? 544 00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:07,860 Yes, the judge has retired to his chamber. Tom's speech from the dock gave 545 00:28:07,860 --> 00:28:10,000 migraine. I bet he. 546 00:28:10,270 --> 00:28:11,270 She nicked his gavel. 547 00:28:11,370 --> 00:28:12,970 Ah, here they come. 548 00:28:17,970 --> 00:28:20,870 How are you, old stick? 549 00:28:21,210 --> 00:28:22,810 Pretty pissed off, actually. 550 00:28:25,930 --> 00:28:29,170 So what did you get? I got off on a shoplifting charge. 551 00:28:29,570 --> 00:28:30,570 Well done. 552 00:28:31,290 --> 00:28:34,330 But they fined me 50 pounds for contempt of court. 553 00:28:35,310 --> 00:28:36,330 Well done. 554 00:28:37,170 --> 00:28:38,410 Bloody moron.