1 00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:14,720 - So, this is it. - Yeah. 2 00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:15,960 Home, sweet home. 3 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:18,520 Kitchen area. 4 00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,240 - Yeah. - You've got a bed, look! 5 00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:22,840 Yeah. And a chair. Watch this. 6 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:27,600 - It's quality, Len! - Yeah. 7 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:30,280 - And I've got this. Look here. - Yeah. 8 00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:32,800 Len's been living in a lock-up, ain't you, Len? 9 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:35,120 - Yeah. - Yeah. 10 00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:38,040 He can't get into his house any more, cos it's so hoarded. 11 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:40,160 There's stuff piled up to the ceilings, isn't there, Len? 12 00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:42,840 - You can't get in the front door now. - Yeah. 13 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:47,320 Council found that he'd been hoarding, like, 14 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:50,720 jars of his own faeces since, like, '98 and that. 15 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:52,760 Yeah, that was... that was a bit bad. 16 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:53,840 Yeah. 17 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:58,000 What you want to do is not hoard this place up like the last place. 18 00:00:58,040 --> 00:00:59,520 I think you'd be all right then. 19 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:03,920 Yeah. Cos if I set my mind to it, then if I think I can do it, I know I can do it. 20 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:04,960 Yeah. 21 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:10,880 But I'm getting a new tea towel, and that's not cos I'm hoarding it, 22 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:12,280 it's cos I need one. 23 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,280 - A tea towel's all right. - Well, a tea towel's all right. 24 00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:19,480 Yeah. 25 00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:20,640 Yeah. 26 00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:27,920 This is it. This is the bowls club. My empire. 27 00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:30,040 Meet Colin - he's our newest member, ain't you? 28 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:31,400 Been here for a couple of weeks. 29 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:34,560 He was getting picked on the first week, weren't you? A little bit. 30 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:37,400 But, yeah, you're settling in well, all right? 31 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:40,680 Yeah. A couple of the older members have been nasty, but we stamped that out. 32 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:41,880 All right, gents. You good? 33 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:43,720 I've been working here since last month. 34 00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:46,680 There was a job going here and the vicar made me apply for it. 35 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:49,120 At first I was like, "Fuck this," 36 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:50,280 cos it's full of old stinkers, 37 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:52,880 but actually, they're all right once you get to know 'em. 38 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:56,760 As long as you don't mention foreigners 39 00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:58,440 or self-service checkouts. 40 00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:02,720 Cos they really don't like either of those things, 41 00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:05,640 and they'll make sure they let you know about that. 42 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:07,200 All right, girls. You behaving yourselves? 43 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:08,680 Yeah 44 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:12,120 Hands off, Wendy, I don't think Arthur would be happy if he saw that. 45 00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:13,640 Talk of the devil! 46 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,160 Usual, Arthur? 47 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:17,760 Yeah. 48 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:19,240 I'm enjoying it, actually. 49 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:25,000 I really didn't think I would, but, yeah, it's going really well. 50 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:31,200 So, don't tell my dad I showed you this, yeah? 51 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,440 But this is what I've been storing here. 52 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:40,360 Well, about a week ago, right, my dad sat me down and he said, 53 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:44,280 "Ker, how do you fancy going into business with your old man?" 54 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:48,000 "Like, renting a lock-up out and letting me store me wares in it." 55 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:49,560 I just, like... 56 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:52,160 I thought I was going to cry. 57 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:54,000 But it wasn't because I was sad, 58 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:57,640 it was because my whole life I've been telling people, 59 00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:00,600 one day me and my dad will go into business together. 60 00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:03,360 And people were like, "Kerry, it's never going to happen." 61 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,120 You know, "Get your head out of the clouds, 62 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:07,480 "this is getting absolutely heartbreaking now." 63 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:11,640 But I just knew in my heart and I never let go of that. 64 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:15,680 So, my dad's got a mate called Spud who works in the Dyson factory. 65 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:18,200 And all of these were going to get thrown out, 66 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,280 but there's absolutely nothing wrong with them, you see? 67 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:21,640 They're all tip-top. 68 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:24,600 So, my dad basically takes them off his hands for a small fee, 69 00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:28,160 and then I store them here and he sells them on for a higher fee. 70 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:31,040 So, just, you know, everyone's laughing. 71 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:33,200 Such a small idea for a business. 72 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:34,760 You see this guy, here? 73 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:39,600 Right, he had an Action Man surgically removed from his arse, no word of a lie. 74 00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,360 And he told the doctor, "As I was coming out of the bath, 75 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:45,360 "I slipped on the bath mat and I fell on it." 76 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:49,000 And the doctor said, "That's funny, because why's there a condom on it, then?" 77 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,280 And he just went like this. 78 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:55,400 I mean, what can you say? 79 00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:58,360 Odd. 80 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:07,560 It's pretty tight, this game, now. 81 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,280 This is the vicar's go, so... 82 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:12,400 Come on, Vics! This is it, son. You can do it. 83 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:19,560 He's fucked it. 84 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,760 Unlucky, Vics! 85 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:23,560 He's absolutely fucked it there. 86 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:24,920 Yeah. 87 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,280 He's fucked it for the entire team. They won't come back from that now. 88 00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:33,800 So disappointing. If I had it my way, I'd just haul him off. 89 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:36,080 Haul him off, wouldn't even talk to him. 90 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,000 I am absolutely... 91 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:40,040 ...thrilled. He's doing so brilliantly well. 92 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,800 He's... He's a different lad. 93 00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:45,000 He's responsible, he's in control, 94 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:46,520 I think he's found his calling. 95 00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:48,520 - And everyone... - Vicar! Sorry, mate. 96 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:51,360 You've still got your bowling shoes on in the bar area. 97 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,920 Goodness me! 98 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,440 I'm away with the fairies! 99 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:58,640 It's a bit annoying, actually. Cos this is not the first or the second time 100 00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:00,560 I've had to tell you, really, is it? 101 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,760 - No, sorry, Kurtan. - It's all right. As you were. 102 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,240 So, as you can see... 103 00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:09,640 I'm only saying it because, you know, 104 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,040 people look up to you. And if they see you doing it, 105 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:13,840 they're going to think it's all right for them to do it, 106 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:16,840 and that's, you know, that's when it gets absolutely bloody bananas in here. 107 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:18,080 - Yeah. 108 00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:19,480 - Understood. - As you were. 109 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:29,360 So, me and Len are basically neighbours now. 110 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:32,040 And as much as he winds me up and wounds me up, 111 00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:33,880 he's had a very hard time recently. 112 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:35,920 His sparkle has just gone. 113 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,120 So... And he's actually a really good neighbour as well, 114 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:40,160 because he keeps an eye on my lock-up, 115 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,200 and sometimes, if I'm here, he makes me a cup of tea. 116 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:43,920 - That's my da. 117 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,520 That's my da, look. 118 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:46,840 All right, Da? 119 00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:50,520 - Come here, you. 120 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:51,560 What? 121 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,640 What's wrong 122 00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:58,520 What have we said about the cameras being here? 123 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,040 I didn't know they were going to be here. I'm so sorry, Da. 124 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,200 I'll find someone else to work with if you're going to fart about. 125 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,520 Please, no. It'll be absolutely fine. I won't let them be... 126 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:07,920 - I've had it up to here. Get in the van. - I'm sorry, Da. 127 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,560 Yes, it's legit. Of course it's legit. 128 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:24,560 Why would I put the lock-up in my name if I didn't think it was legit? 129 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:27,120 You know, my dad doesn't want to be on camera 130 00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:30,560 because he's had his business ideas nicked before. 131 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:33,280 You know my dad actually wrote the song Wonderwall 132 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:36,960 on the back of a beer mat in the space of ten minutes, don't you? 133 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,440 And he was at the Keepers, and he just threw it on the floor 134 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,960 because he thought, "This is just absolutely rubbish." 135 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,880 And guess what brothers came into the Keepers that day 136 00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:46,480 working as crisps salesmen? 137 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:55,360 It was Bros, who then, later on at another gig, threw it on the floor, 138 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:58,240 cos they just thought, "This is actually not working." 139 00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:01,320 But the Gallagher brothers were there, and they picked it up 140 00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:02,720 and worked with it. 141 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:08,160 Four ham, four cheese. 142 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:11,240 Do you know what? I had six requests yesterday for cucumber sandwiches, 143 00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:13,640 so I did ten, and no-one touched them. 144 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:17,880 I actually found one spat out in a napkin hidden under a table. 145 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,920 But that's the thing. They think they know what they want, but actually, 146 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,440 they don't know what they want. 147 00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:29,640 They're very much like babies in that sense. 148 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,000 All right? 149 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:35,440 All right. 150 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:38,480 What are you wearing? 151 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:43,520 Official England merchandise. Manager's jacket. 152 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:44,760 When did you get that? 153 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,640 - Got it over there. - That looks dead smart, there! 154 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,320 - The quality is... - I can see it from here! 155 00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:52,520 The thread work and the lining really works. 156 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,080 That is official as well, isn't it? 157 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:55,200 Yeah. 158 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,040 The beauty of working with my dad is we get to hang out together. 159 00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:00,160 And also have a bit of cash to splash. 160 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:02,960 - Got this for you, as well. 161 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,360 - Yeah. 162 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,000 - Yeah. 163 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:07,800 - Well, open it and see. 164 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:09,720 I actually bought the wrapping paper as well. 165 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:11,560 That's not just recycled off an old present. 166 00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:14,520 - My God! 167 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,560 - Yeah. 168 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,000 No, I'm not kidding you, yeah. 169 00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:22,560 My God, Ker. 170 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:24,440 That... That's amazing! 171 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:26,480 - Well, give it a go, then. - Yeah, all right. 172 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:34,120 - That is brilliant. 173 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:35,840 - Absolutely brilliant! 174 00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:37,720 - You're so happy with that. - I'm over the moon! 175 00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:39,360 Do you know what? That's absolutely great, 176 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:42,120 cos I've just got a tiny, tiny, tiny little favour to ask you. 177 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:44,440 What favour? 178 00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:47,080 Just need to store some stuff at the bowls club, that's all. 179 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:48,320 Why? 180 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:50,920 Because the lock-up's just completely full. 181 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,600 I can't store anything at home either 182 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:55,040 because Mum's just hitting the roof about it. 183 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,120 Kurtan will never make any money, 184 00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,640 because he's too much of a worry worm, like his nan. 185 00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:00,880 Do you know what? 186 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:03,080 They were both so worried about the millennium bug 187 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,400 that they actually made a suicide pact. 188 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:07,200 Which would have been a shame, 189 00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:09,760 because he would have missed out on the demise of Ceefax. 190 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:12,760 And he absolutely loved that, seeing that go down. 191 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:15,800 Because he hated the graphics and he hated the loading times. 192 00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:20,840 That's it, back it up, back it up, back it up, back it up. 193 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:23,200 There we go, and... Boom! 194 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:26,360 Christ! It's not all this, is it? 195 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:27,400 Yeah. 196 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:30,440 Ker, I haven't got the space for all this! You only said it was going to be a couple. 197 00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:32,560 It's not going to be for long, it's fine. 198 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:34,840 I really don't... Can't someone else do it? 199 00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:37,080 I've already got Len to fill his lock-up with them. 200 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,040 What? You know Len's got a problem with hoarding. 201 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:40,440 You shouldn't be doing that to him! 202 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:43,240 It's not a problem, Kurtan, it's a quirk. 203 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:46,000 - Ker, hurry up! - Yeah, slow down, Spud, mate. 204 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:48,480 - My dad's mate, Spud. 205 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:52,360 Great. So, Martin's involved? Well, this ain't going to be fishy, then! 206 00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:54,320 It's not fishy, cos it's absolutely legit. 207 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:57,480 You know, if you're going to fart me about, I'll just take your Hoover back. 208 00:09:57,520 --> 00:09:58,760 Quickly, then. 209 00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,200 Agh! 210 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:24,360 What's that Wally of the Year up on the shelf? 211 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:29,760 Wally of... This... This is a little thing we do at the club. 212 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:32,840 We hand it out to, well, the Wally of the Year. 213 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:37,320 And it's coming up this year. We've got a few contenders for that. 214 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:38,800 Colin, for one... 215 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:40,560 - I want to sit in the window! - He's... 216 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:42,200 Well, I'm sitting in the window. 217 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:44,400 First come, first served, you miserable old git! 218 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:45,440 Sorry. 219 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,040 Don't you dare say "miserable old git" to me like that! 220 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,600 - Oi! Oi! Guys! Oi! - I'll say it any bloody way I want! 221 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:52,040 - I'll say it like this! Blah, blah, blah. - Guys! 222 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:53,560 Stop it! Stop it! Arthur! 223 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:55,160 He was sitting in the window twice this week. 224 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,640 Stop it! Stop it! Stop it, Len! 225 00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:01,080 Stop it! All right? If this is about the window, yeah, 226 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:05,480 you had your turn yesterday, yeah So let Len have his turn today. All right? 227 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,720 - Well, it's my turn tomorrow! - Yeah, that is... 228 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:10,720 - And my turn the day after! 229 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:14,080 Go back, sit down over there, please, Arthur, please. 230 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,080 - All right, yeah. 231 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:21,360 Yeah? Don't... I'm just not... not really up for this today, lads. 232 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:23,880 All right? Sit down, that's it. 233 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:29,840 It's like running a kindergarten centre here sometimes. 234 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:32,000 The way they behave, it's embarrassing. 235 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,720 Arthur and... Well, I know who's going to be Wally of the Year. 236 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:37,680 I know who's on my... top of my list. 237 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:40,000 Arthur, probably. 238 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:43,280 Knobhead. 239 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:49,520 So, in the '90s, right, there used to be a bunch of kids used to hang out here 240 00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:52,320 and used to sniff glue and that. And one of them was called Rug Rat, 241 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:55,680 and he sniffed so much glue that his nostrils actually, like, stuck together. 242 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:58,200 And the doctor says to him, "Look, I'm so sorry, 243 00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:00,480 "but unfortunately, you're going to have to talk like this... 244 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,000 "...for the rest of your life." 245 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:04,480 But then, he got a job doing voices on cartoons. 246 00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:06,360 He's made a massive success out of himself. 247 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:08,800 So it just goes to show, you can be anything you want to be, really, 248 00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:10,280 if you put your mind to it. 249 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:12,920 Kerry Mucklowe 250 00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,960 Er, I don't think it is, no. 251 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:18,720 It's registered in your name. 252 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:22,960 Er, well, it could be. Because, I mean, nobody tells me anything. 253 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:24,920 Shall we go down the station, sort this out? 254 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:29,920 Er, well, you can if you want. I'm probably just going to head back. 255 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,880 Can you get in the car, please? 256 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:33,560 Are you asking me? Or are you... 257 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,080 - I'm telling you. Yep. 258 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:37,440 This car, is it? 259 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:38,840 - Yep, that's the one. 260 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:41,000 - Just get in. - I'll see you later. 261 00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:44,600 OK. 262 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:04,840 Anyone here lost a hearing aid? 263 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:07,360 No? 264 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,320 No-one's going to claim it, it's going to go straight in the bin. 265 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:13,880 For lost property, my policy is the ten-second rule. 266 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:15,320 Right, in the bin it goes. 267 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,680 If it's not claimed after ten seconds, just dump it in the... 268 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:20,920 Kerry's mum. 269 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:25,760 What does she want Fuck it, I'll answer anyway. 270 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:27,080 Hello? 271 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:29,840 Hello? 272 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:32,720 Are you all right? 273 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,080 Hello, can you hear me now? 274 00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:37,920 Well, you rang me! 275 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:43,400 Yeah, what... what is it? 276 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:53,960 Yeah? 277 00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:02,360 Shit. Why? 278 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:05,280 Why? 279 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:12,920 Martin. I said it was dodgy, didn't I? 280 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:14,800 All right, yeah, all right. 281 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,440 Er, I'd better go, then. I'd better go then, Sue! 282 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:21,240 I'm just saying I'd better go, then! 283 00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:28,360 Yeah, the connection's bad, it's fine! 284 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:29,760 OK? All right! 285 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:31,880 Yeah, I'll let you go. All right? 286 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:34,600 Hello, I said I'm going to go! 287 00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:35,680 Fuck it. 288 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,560 Fuck. Martin, yeah. 289 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:42,720 I said it. I said it from the start it was dodgy. 290 00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:44,120 It just whiffed of dodgy. I bet... 291 00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:46,960 Fuck's sake... 292 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:49,640 Yeah? 293 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:52,360 Hello? 294 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:54,560 Yeah, you all right? 295 00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:57,800 Hello? 296 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,400 Right. Er... 297 00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:04,960 Yeah. Fuck it. I'd better go and call the vicar. 298 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,800 G 299 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:15,360 OK, Kerry. Thanks for coming in. 300 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:17,360 Just to confirm that you've been cautioned 301 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:20,000 and are entitled to free legal advice, which you've declined. 302 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:22,480 - Because I ain't doing anything wrong. 303 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:25,240 Can I also say, as my human right, 304 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:27,680 you have not asked me if I want a glass of water? 305 00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:29,560 And I am legally entitled to that as well. 306 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,560 OK, would you like a glass of water? 307 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:36,200 No. But thank you for asking me. That is correct conduct. 308 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:41,160 OK, So... We have evidence to suggest that your father, Martin Mucklowe, 309 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:43,960 has been involved in the transportation and storage 310 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,560 of stolen goods from a factory in Malmesbury. 311 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:49,600 And it's our belief that he's been using you to store them in a lock-up 312 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:50,920 rented out in your name. 313 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,360 No, because they weren't stolen. They'd been thrown away. 314 00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:57,360 It's like, you know... you know the tea rooms in town, 315 00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:00,920 where if they, like, can't sell all their paninis in the day, 316 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,720 they just put it in a bin bag 317 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:05,440 and they put it outside the shop for the homeless, and foxes, 318 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:07,320 and sometimes badgers get in there... 319 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:11,040 OK, Kerry. I need you to appreciate the significance of this situation, OK? 320 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:15,440 Yeah, but also, have you ever seen The Raggy Dolls on CBBC? 321 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,080 Because that's very similar. 322 00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:20,200 It's, like, the dolls, if they're not in full working order, 323 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:22,240 like, their arms and their legs and that... 324 00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:23,880 They should have all their limbs, 325 00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:26,760 and these don't have their limbs, so they get thrown away into a thing. 326 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:29,440 And that's very similar to the Hoovers. 327 00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:32,000 Because the Hoovers are very much like the dolls. 328 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:34,920 Because they also want to find loving homes. 329 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,880 Look, I know you're trying to protect your dad, 330 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:39,680 but you have to tell us the truth. 331 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:42,200 I am telling the truth. My dad's not a criminal. 332 00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:45,160 When I think of Kerry Mucklowe, I think of someone 333 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:48,560 who is very loyal. And very, very stupid. 334 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:53,320 Sort of more stupid than loyal. 335 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:58,600 Sort of 70% stupid, 30% loyal, probably. 336 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:02,000 Because she's very loyal. 337 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:04,040 But extremely stupid. 338 00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:06,160 Bored! 339 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:07,720 - Yep. It's... - Bored! 340 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,600 It's boring. I'm bored too, I'm bored too. 341 00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:11,280 - Yep. 342 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:13,800 Well, then, why don't you actually investigate a proper crime, 343 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:15,840 rather than just hounding me and my dad 344 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:18,640 for absolutely no reason, over some little Hoovers? 345 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:23,400 Kerry... I don't think you understand the severity of this crime. 346 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:27,880 If convicted, you can face up to seven years in prison. 347 00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:34,120 And... as things stand, there are 168 stolen vacuum cleaners in a lock-up 348 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,120 rented out under your name. 349 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:40,640 Now, this is your final opportunity to give us your account. 350 00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:50,720 Were you in the year below me at school? 351 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:55,840 Yes. 352 00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:58,560 You used to hang out with Darren Lockhart and that? 353 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,000 I did, yeah. 354 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:01,840 Have you heard what's happened to him now? 355 00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:06,280 He got sacked from the leisure centre cos he made his own periscope 356 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:09,000 and was peeping on the girls in changing rooms. 357 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,360 - I wouldn't know. - Well, you should know, 358 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,800 cos if you want to be investigating anything, mate, I'd be investigating that. 359 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:21,440 Interview terminated at 13.48. 360 00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,400 That was hard, 361 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:27,120 that was really hard. He was absolutely seething, 362 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,080 cos he couldn't get any information out of me. 363 00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:32,440 Basically, PC Webber 364 00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:34,640 was trying to get me and my dad to turn on each other. 365 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:37,920 What he doesn't know is us Mucklowes ain't grasses. 366 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:41,560 My dad, right, always taught me Mucklowes look after Mucklowes. 367 00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:44,720 Well, I don't really know her. I mean, she's my daughter and that, but... 368 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:45,760 Right. 369 00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:47,720 ...I've had nothing to do with her, cos she's trouble. 370 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:48,760 OK. 371 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:52,600 As for the stolen stuff, well, I wouldn't put it past her. 372 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,880 What do you mean, you wouldn't put it past her? 373 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:56,720 Well, make of it what you will, you know. 374 00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,360 Unfortunately for Kerry, 375 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:02,400 she has one very big hole in her life. 376 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,520 And that's Martin. 377 00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:09,280 And what makes it even more difficult for Kerry is that, 378 00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:11,680 living in the same village as her father, 379 00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:14,880 she's always going to feel that that loving relationship 380 00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:18,560 she so desperately craves is just within reach... 381 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:21,480 ..when, in fact, 382 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:24,160 he might as well be living on the other side of the world. 383 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,800 Ker. What's all this? 384 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:31,960 Hoovers. 385 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,760 Yeah, I know it's Hoovers, but what are they still doing here? 386 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,200 "A few days," you said. 387 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:39,320 Well, I've got to leave them here cos I can't put them anywhere else. 388 00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:43,280 Ker, if they find this lot here, I'm going to get the blame, right? 389 00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:47,320 Next thing I know, Terry's going to be taking my tie off me and my key fob, 390 00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:50,600 and I can't lose this job. This means the world to me, this job. 391 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,480 You know? 392 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:56,520 The other day, Terry said he'd never seen the glasses look so clean. 393 00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:59,560 He said they looked like the glasses from the Finish adverts. 394 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:01,040 And that's cos I go that extra mile, 395 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,040 cos I put a tiny bit of Fairy washing-up liquid 396 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:05,280 in with the dishwashing tablets, right? 397 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,600 And it makes all the fucking difference. 398 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,200 And your dad is going to fuck that up for me. 399 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:11,640 You've got to tell the truth, 400 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,840 or he's going to fucking drag me down and you down with him. 401 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:17,240 Kurtan, Mucklowes look after Mucklowes, so you've got nothing to worry about, mate. 402 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,120 Yeah, and I'm a Mucklowe. You're not looking after me. 403 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:21,920 Yeah, well, my dad's a Mucklowe and you're not looking after him, are you? 404 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,160 Yeah, cos he's a fucking scumbag, Kerry, 405 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:26,480 and he's going to fucking stitch you up again. 406 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:28,840 He's not going to stitch me up, cos my dad loves me. 407 00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:33,040 Do you know what? I actually don't think he loves you at all 408 00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:35,000 and I don't think he's ever loved you. 409 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:38,320 All right, that's harsh and unnecessary, but fine. 410 00:20:38,360 --> 00:20:39,360 Right, you remember 411 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:40,880 - Yeah. 412 00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:42,080 Yeah? 413 00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:43,920 - And you nearly died. - Yeah, I did, yeah. 414 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,160 It was pretty serious, right? 415 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,680 And you were in hospital and your dad wasn't there, was he? 416 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:49,800 - No. He wasn't there. - No. Cos he was too busy. 417 00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:51,160 - Too busy down the Keepers. - Yeah. 418 00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,400 - He was playing on the fruit machine. 419 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:54,600 Playing on the fruity, exactly, thank you. 420 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,120 Yeah, because it was just about to pay out, 421 00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:59,960 so he's not exactly going to leave it, is he? 422 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:03,200 What, is he going to just let someone else go and swan in and go on it? 423 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:04,480 No, don't think so. 424 00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:10,000 I have never known someone love someone less than Martin loves you. 425 00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:12,000 OK 426 00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:15,520 Cos Martin loves Martin, right? And no-one else. 427 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:18,680 Well, why have me and my dad been texting each other, then? 428 00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:20,520 - Just texting now, look. 429 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:22,040 - Each other. 430 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:24,200 About meeting up to get our ducks in order. 431 00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:25,280 What does that mean? 432 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,200 I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure it means that he's got plans... 433 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:32,600 Len! Len's been using the ladies' toilet again! 434 00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:33,760 Fuck's sake. 435 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:35,560 What you dobbing me in for? 436 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:40,600 Can you see the sort of shit I've already got to deal with here with them two? 437 00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:50,000 Look, we're in a little bit of hot water, Ker. 438 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:51,320 Yeah. 439 00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:54,280 So I've been having a long hard think about how to sort it out, right? 440 00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:55,320 Yeah. 441 00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:57,240 The plan is, you go down to the police station. 442 00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:58,320 Right. 443 00:21:58,360 --> 00:21:59,920 - Ask for PC Webber. - Yeah. 444 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,640 Takes you to the interview room. 445 00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:03,760 - Right. - You've got to start crying. 446 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,800 And you've got to say, "Nothing to do with my dad. 447 00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,920 "It's all me, all me. I stole them Hoovers." 448 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:10,760 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 449 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:12,680 And then you go down for six months or so. 450 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:13,680 Right. 451 00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:14,880 And that's it. 452 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:19,680 I... I don't want to go to prison, though, Da. 453 00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,840 You might enjoy it, Ker. And you never know, 454 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,760 you might find a lover in there. 455 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:28,040 Some of these places these days are like bloody Butlin's. 456 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:31,680 I mean, you've got pool tables, they feed you, you've got bunk beds... 457 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:33,880 I can't go to prison, Da. 458 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:36,200 Kerry, Mucklowes look after Mucklowes. 459 00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:40,480 You do love your old dad, don't you? 460 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:41,960 Course I do. 461 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,280 You wouldn't want to see him go inside, would you? 462 00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:45,480 No, of course not. 463 00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:48,920 Well... 464 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:51,000 Do you love me, Da? 465 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:53,760 It's not about love, Ker, 466 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:56,520 it's about having a stiff upper lip and getting on with the job in hand. 467 00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:58,480 Yeah, but you do love me, though, don't you, Da? 468 00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:03,200 I'll be honest with you. A couple of years ago... 469 00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:06,600 ...I had a job. Long-haul lorry driving for Hawkin's Bazaar. 470 00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:07,840 Yeah? 471 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:11,800 And one day, I was coming back from Dover late at night 472 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:14,000 - with a lorry-load of puppets... - Yeah. 473 00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:16,440 ...and this little dog darted out in front of me. 474 00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:18,200 No collar, no nothing. 475 00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:19,560 I swerved to avoid him, 476 00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:22,120 but, well, I hit him head-on. 477 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:24,080 I stopped the cab, got down, 478 00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:25,760 and its legs were mangled like 479 00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:29,280 - a drawer full of phone chargers. - God. 480 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:30,920 I picked him up, 481 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:33,880 - cradled his head as he was dying. 482 00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:36,520 And I looked into his big, brown eyes. 483 00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:40,680 And I felt absolutely nothing. 484 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:43,800 And you know why? 485 00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:45,760 Because I've got no empathy. Zilch. 486 00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:49,360 Zero, nil points, nothing. So... 487 00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:55,920 You... 488 00:23:57,200 --> 00:24:00,440 ...you will write to me, though, won't you, Da? 489 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,960 Have you not listened to a word I've just said? 490 00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:07,480 Right. 491 00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:10,880 Take me to the police station. 492 00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:15,280 Well, it's not really on my way, Ker. 493 00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:19,600 Yeah. Sorry. 494 00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:23,880 - Just... 495 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:28,160 Well, I'll see you, though, Da? 496 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,960 Mucklowes don't look after Mucklowes. 497 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:44,480 Mucklowes are the problem. 498 00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:47,760 You know, you need someone to protect you from the Mucklowes. 499 00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:50,160 And I say that as a Mucklowe myself. 500 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:53,080 The thing is, you've got to realise 501 00:24:53,120 --> 00:24:55,000 what kind of a relationship she's had with her father 502 00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:58,400 and how that's affected her whole outlook on life. 503 00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:01,880 I don't know how many times he's fucked her over, 504 00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:02,920 and she never learns. 505 00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:06,840 I'm not even angry with him any more. I'm angry with her. 506 00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:09,640 She makes the same mistakes time and time again 507 00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:13,680 and she doesn't listen to the people who actually give a shit about her. 508 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:16,040 I like Kerry, I've got a lot of time for Kerry. 509 00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:17,760 She's a good girl, Kerry is. 510 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:20,440 She's lazy, she stinks... 511 00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:23,840 ...she's rude, nasty. 512 00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:27,760 I see a lot of myself in her, really. 513 00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:30,960 She is thick, but she's not as thick as she looks. 514 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:32,520 She looks thicker than... 515 00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:35,760 She's thick, but she's not... She looks thicker than she actually is... 516 00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:38,200 ...whereas Kurtan... 517 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:42,040 ...is thicker than he looks and he looks thick. 518 00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:43,880 Have you seen Friends? 519 00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:47,080 Cos I think Kerry and Martin are a lot like Gunther and Rachel, 520 00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:49,920 because Gunther loves Rachel, 521 00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:52,080 but Rachel doesn't give a shit about Gunther. 522 00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:54,960 He's just some guy who works in a cafe, serving coffee. 523 00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:57,680 You know? And he should focus on what he does have, 524 00:25:57,720 --> 00:25:59,160 which is a great little business. 525 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:04,160 Yes, I do think there is a point at which people just have to 526 00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:05,920 stand on their own two feet 527 00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:09,560 and take responsibility for their decisions. 528 00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:13,040 - Hi. - Hi. 529 00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:16,000 Um, I was wondering if I could speak to PC Webber, please. 530 00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:20,600 Unfortunately, when it comes to Martin, 531 00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:24,200 she seems to always make the wrong decisions. 532 00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:28,920 "Mucklowes look after Mucklowes" is our family code. 533 00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:31,520 And a lot of people wouldn't understand it. 534 00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:34,800 I'm only just starting to understand it myself, to be fair. 535 00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:41,920 We're ready for you, if you'd like to come through.