1
00:00:03,628 --> 00:00:07,172
♪ (INDIANA JONES THEME PLAYS) ♪

2
00:00:10,802 --> 00:00:13,095
- So what did you think?
- It was good.

3
00:00:13,805 --> 00:00:16,140
That's it? "Good"?

4
00:00:16,307 --> 00:00:17,933
I enjoyed it.

5
00:00:18,101 --> 00:00:20,342
When you told me I was going to be
"losing my virginity,"

6
00:00:20,437 --> 00:00:22,563
I didn't think you meant showing me
Raiders of the Lost Ark

7
00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:23,772
for the first time.

8
00:00:24,774 --> 00:00:27,693
My apologies.
I chose my words poorly.

9
00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:29,111
I should have said

10
00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:31,655
you were about to have
your world rocked on my couch.

11
00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:36,368
Anyway, thank you for watching it.

12
00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:38,287
It's one of my all-time favorites.

13
00:00:38,455 --> 00:00:40,497
It was very entertaining,

14
00:00:40,665 --> 00:00:42,958
despite the glaring story problem.

15
00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:46,003
Story problem?

16
00:00:46,087 --> 00:00:47,087
Oh.

17
00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:48,297
Amy...

18
00:00:50,425 --> 00:00:53,218
What a dewy-eyed moon-calf you are.

19
00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:56,013
Raiders of the Lost Ark is
the love child

20
00:00:56,181 --> 00:00:58,140
of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas,

21
00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:00,768
two of the most gifted filmmakers
of our generation.

22
00:01:00,935 --> 00:01:03,437
I've watched it 36 times,

23
00:01:03,605 --> 00:01:06,440
except for the snake scene
and the face-melting scene,

24
00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:09,985
which I can only watch
when it's still light out, but...

25
00:01:10,153 --> 00:01:13,322
I defy you to find a story problem.

26
00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:15,866
Here's my jaw... drop it.

27
00:01:17,702 --> 00:01:18,702
All right.

28
00:01:18,828 --> 00:01:22,206
Indiana Jones plays no role
in the outcome of the story.

29
00:01:22,373 --> 00:01:26,502
If he weren't in the film,
it would turn out exactly the same.

30
00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:30,130
Oh, I see your confusion.
You don't understand.

31
00:01:30,298 --> 00:01:33,967
Indiana Jones was the one in the hat
with the whip.

32
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:37,971
No, I do,
and if he weren't in the movie,

33
00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:40,015
the Nazis would have still found
the ark,

34
00:01:40,183 --> 00:01:43,060
taken it to the island,
opened it up and all died,

35
00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:45,354
just like they did.

36
00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:51,944
Let me close that for you.

37
00:01:54,405 --> 00:01:58,242
♪ (THEME SONG PLAYS) ♪

38
00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:22,182
- Hey!
- Hi!

39
00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:24,351
I thought you went to the comic book
store on Wednesdays.

40
00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:26,728
Yeah, but Sheldon and Amy
were having date night

41
00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:29,773
and they don't need me there
to make it awkward.

42
00:02:30,859 --> 00:02:33,235
They have each other for that.

43
00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:35,529
So, how was school?

44
00:02:35,697 --> 00:02:37,072
Oh, good. Check it out.

45
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:41,076
The Disappointing Child
by Beverly Hofstadter. Oh!

46
00:02:49,711 --> 00:02:52,421
- You bought my mom's book?
- Yeah!

47
00:02:53,047 --> 00:02:55,799
It's on the recommended reading list
for my psychology class.

48
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,801
Oh!

49
00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:01,930
Come on. Not that book.

50
00:03:02,056 --> 00:03:05,934
It's got, like, every horrible story
from my childhood in it.

51
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:10,522
Oh, cool. Are there pictures?

52
00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:13,275
Seriously, please find another book.

53
00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:15,819
Oh, come on. Why?
How bad could it be?

54
00:03:15,987 --> 00:03:18,113
There's chapters
about potty training,

55
00:03:18,281 --> 00:03:20,991
and bed-wetting and...

56
00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:22,910
masturbation.

57
00:03:25,121 --> 00:03:27,873
Basically, if something came
out of me, she wrote about it!

58
00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:31,668
You know what?
Do whatever you want,

59
00:03:31,794 --> 00:03:33,212
just don't talk to me about it.

60
00:03:33,379 --> 00:03:36,381
Not even the chapter
on the breast-feeding crisis?

61
00:03:41,804 --> 00:03:44,306
It was not a crisis.

62
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:48,644
Apparently, I favored the left one.
She got a little lopsided.

63
00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:53,065
Oh, my God, you still go left!

64
00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,530
Which celebrity would you say
I look like the most?

65
00:04:00,698 --> 00:04:02,407
Halle Berry.

66
00:04:04,452 --> 00:04:05,535
Why?

67
00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:07,955
Stuart and I are putting
dating profiles online,

68
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,539
and it's one of the questions.

69
00:04:09,999 --> 00:04:12,626
And thank you. I'd kill
for that woman's bone structure.

70
00:04:15,046 --> 00:04:16,922
Why are you reading
Pride and Prejudice?

71
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:18,173
I'll tell you why.

72
00:04:18,716 --> 00:04:21,426
Amy ruined
Raiders of the Lost Ark for me,

73
00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:25,472
so now I'm trying to find something
beloved to her and ruin that.

74
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,768
Because her life wasn't enough?

75
00:04:32,021 --> 00:04:36,233
Wait. How can anyone ruin
Raiders? It's perfect.

76
00:04:36,359 --> 00:04:37,651
Yeah, except for the fact

77
00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:40,362
that Indiana Jones is completely
irrelevant to the story.

78
00:04:40,488 --> 00:04:44,283
With or without him, the Nazis find
the ark, open it, and die.

79
00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:52,249
(GRUMBLING)

80
00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:56,586
Hey, wait a minute. No, the Nazis
were digging in the wrong place.

81
00:04:56,754 --> 00:04:59,314
The only reason they got the ark
was because Indy found it first.

82
00:04:59,382 --> 00:05:00,966
Actually, they were only digging
in the wrong place

83
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:02,374
because Indy had the medallion.

84
00:05:02,468 --> 00:05:06,013
Without him, they would have had
the medallion and dug in the right place.

85
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,058
(GRUMBLING)

86
00:05:15,231 --> 00:05:16,523
Okay, I know you don't
want to talk about it,

87
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:19,568
but can I just ask you one question
about your mom's book?

88
00:05:19,777 --> 00:05:21,903
- No.
- I just want to know

89
00:05:22,071 --> 00:05:24,239
why a five-year-old boy puts
on his mom's makeup

90
00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:26,366
and wears balloon boobies.

91
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:31,663
They weren't boobies.
They were muscles.

92
00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:35,751
And the makeup was green.
I was pretending to be the Hulk.

93
00:05:36,544 --> 00:05:37,961
You were wearing her bra.

94
00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:39,212
That was to keep my muscles
from sagging!

95
00:05:39,505 --> 00:05:41,631
Can we please stop talking
about this?!

96
00:05:42,633 --> 00:05:45,427
Okay, okay. But you know,
as a student of psychology

97
00:05:45,636 --> 00:05:48,638
who got a check-plus on her
first homework assignment...

98
00:05:49,724 --> 00:05:52,768
I think, sometimes, it's good
to open up about these things.

99
00:05:52,935 --> 00:05:56,104
Okay, fine. Do you want to know
why I dressed like the Hulk?

100
00:05:56,230 --> 00:05:57,898
Because I was always mad at my mom

101
00:05:58,024 --> 00:05:59,941
and I wanted to smash
my way out of that house.

102
00:06:00,401 --> 00:06:03,278
- Well, why were you so angry?
- Gee, I don't know.

103
00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:06,615
Maybe it's because I was always
the subject of her little experiments.

104
00:06:06,991 --> 00:06:09,618
Did you get to the chapter
where she staged the Easter egg hunt

105
00:06:09,827 --> 00:06:12,621
with no eggs to see how long
I'd keep looking?

106
00:06:13,956 --> 00:06:16,958
The answer, by the way: June.

107
00:06:18,461 --> 00:06:19,878
Sweetie, I'm so sorry.

108
00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:21,671
I wish there was something I could do
to make you feel better.

109
00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:26,051
- I do, too, but there's not.
- Really? Are you sure about that?

110
00:06:29,597 --> 00:06:32,099
Of course, who am I to argue
with a check-plus student?

111
00:06:34,143 --> 00:06:35,602
Just warning you,
I'm gonna go right.

112
00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:37,521
Don't make a big deal out of it.

113
00:06:46,489 --> 00:06:48,156
Is makeup really necessary?

114
00:06:48,950 --> 00:06:51,159
Well, when someone looks
at your dating profile,

115
00:06:51,285 --> 00:06:52,886
the first thing they see is
your picture.

116
00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:55,455
I just want to make sure
you look fun and full of life

117
00:06:55,623 --> 00:06:58,500
and not like a body
they just pulled out of the river.

118
00:06:59,710 --> 00:07:04,089
All right, here we go,
and... smile.

119
00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:07,884
(CAMERA CLICKS)

120
00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:11,805
Okay. That one's in the bank.

121
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:16,226
How about this? Turn away,
and then turn back into it.

122
00:07:16,352 --> 00:07:20,605
But when you do, imagine the camera
is the girl you want to meet.

123
00:07:20,982 --> 00:07:22,441
You got it.

124
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:27,404
(CAMERA CLICKS)

125
00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:34,119
Okay... let's try it again.

126
00:07:35,371 --> 00:07:37,539
But this time, pretend the girl
you want to meet

127
00:07:37,790 --> 00:07:39,833
doesn't want to hurt you.

128
00:07:41,085 --> 00:07:43,128
I don't think I can give you that.

129
00:07:43,796 --> 00:07:45,172
Come on. One more time.

130
00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:53,180
(CAMERA CLICKS)

131
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:57,767
Yeah, it's...
it's a little blurry,

132
00:07:57,894 --> 00:07:59,728
but I think that works in your favor.

133
00:08:00,813 --> 00:08:02,814
- Do you want a beer?
- Sure.

134
00:08:02,940 --> 00:08:05,484
Hey, have you finished writing
your profile yet?

135
00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:06,568
Almost.

136
00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:09,654
Oh, what did you put as the one-word
description of yourself?

137
00:08:09,822 --> 00:08:12,240
I put "unobjectionable."

138
00:08:13,409 --> 00:08:17,370
But now that I hear it out loud,
it just seems like I'm being cocky.

139
00:08:17,455 --> 00:08:19,206
What did you put
for your best feature?

140
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,416
My parents' money.

141
00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:25,378
What did you put
for your best feature?

142
00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:27,506
I put "not applicable."

143
00:08:27,965 --> 00:08:30,675
Come on, dude,
you're being too hard on yourself.

144
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,321
You've got a lot of good stuff
going on.

145
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,678
Really? Like what?

146
00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:38,141
Well, okay, you're a talented artist.
You own your own business.

147
00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:41,186
Neither of those things have
ever helped me meet a woman.

148
00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:46,441
Okay, well, can we imply
that you're well-endowed?

149
00:08:47,985 --> 00:08:51,404
I do have one oddly long testicle.

150
00:08:53,574 --> 00:08:56,576
Okay, now you're talking like
a winner!

151
00:09:00,456 --> 00:09:01,748
What you doing?

152
00:09:01,791 --> 00:09:04,668
Oh, it turns out Amy's beloved
Pride and Prejudice

153
00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:06,878
is a flawless masterpiece.

154
00:09:08,005 --> 00:09:09,464
He's got too much pride,

155
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:12,384
she's got too much prejudice...
it just works.

156
00:09:12,510 --> 00:09:15,595
So you're looking to ruin something
for her in the funny pages?

157
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:19,724
Amy has a fondness
for the comic strip Marmaduke.

158
00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:23,853
- And...?
- And I think I've got it.

159
00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:27,732
Consider: A family possesses a dog
that is so large

160
00:09:27,858 --> 00:09:31,486
and poorly disciplined,
he causes nothing but problems.

161
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:32,988
Why do they keep him?!

162
00:09:35,449 --> 00:09:37,242
Maybe they fell in love with him
as a puppy

163
00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:38,994
and didn't know how big
he was gonna be.

164
00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:40,996
Of course.

165
00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:44,916
You know, why couldn't
she just like Ziggy? Yeah?

166
00:09:45,042 --> 00:09:47,419
That thing's riddled with plot holes.

167
00:09:48,796 --> 00:09:50,547
Sorry, buddy.

168
00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:53,091
I think she's a fan of Garfield
as well.

169
00:09:53,175 --> 00:09:54,384
(CHUCKLES)

170
00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:56,845
Oh, darn it, now so am I.

171
00:09:57,638 --> 00:10:00,724
I'll see you later. I got to go watch
a stupid football game with Penny.

172
00:10:00,808 --> 00:10:04,019
Wait, hang on.
You've spent time with Amy.

173
00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:06,605
Can you think of anything
she's fond of

174
00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:09,482
that has a bunch of flaws
she hasn't noticed?

175
00:10:14,530 --> 00:10:16,281
I got to go.

176
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:24,164
- You ready to go?
- Yep. Hey, and maybe this time,

177
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:27,125
you don't try and talk sports
with the guys.

178
00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:29,085
Some sports bar.

179
00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:31,004
It's like they never
even heard of Quidditch.

180
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,298
Do we really have to go?

181
00:10:33,424 --> 00:10:35,383
Oh, come on. Every time we're
about to hang out with my friends,

182
00:10:35,509 --> 00:10:36,593
you don't want to.

183
00:10:36,677 --> 00:10:39,137
It's like, "It's too loud,"
or "The bathroom's too dirty,"

184
00:10:39,263 --> 00:10:41,931
or "They put a chicken wing
in my ear." I mean...

185
00:10:43,142 --> 00:10:44,809
Well, you're right.
Let's just go.

186
00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:47,395
- Hey, what's going on with you?
- Nothing, I'm fine.

187
00:10:48,105 --> 00:10:50,774
All right, hang on.
Is this still about your mom's book?

188
00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:53,276
No. Not everything is about my mom.

189
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:55,612
'Cause if you're still upset
about that, we don't have to go.

190
00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:57,822
Except this is totally about my mom.

191
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:02,160
I'm so sorry.
I never should have read that book.

192
00:11:02,244 --> 00:11:04,885
You know what? You want to just get
dinner and watch the game here?

193
00:11:05,206 --> 00:11:07,123
- That sounds nice.
- Okay.

194
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,417
Or, you know, we could get take-out

195
00:11:09,543 --> 00:11:10,919
and watch the Blu-ray
extended version

196
00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:13,254
of The Hobbit movie
with commentary track.

197
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:19,302
On account of how sad I am
about my mom.

198
00:11:25,476 --> 00:11:26,685
Leonard, you ready for lunch?

199
00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:27,894
One sec!

200
00:11:30,272 --> 00:11:31,314
Hey. Sorry.

201
00:11:34,193 --> 00:11:36,236
- Hi, Penny.
- Hi.

202
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,530
All right, sweetie.
You hang in there today.

203
00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:40,573
I'll try, but I might be sad
again tonight.

204
00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:41,658
Okay.

205
00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:47,789
Wow! Sex at work?!

206
00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:49,916
Leave it alone.
That's my girlfriend.

207
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:52,460
- Sorry.
- Who just had sex with me at work!

208
00:11:54,171 --> 00:11:55,964
Damn.
How'd you swing that?

209
00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:58,383
Whenever I talk about
how awful my mom was,

210
00:11:58,426 --> 00:12:00,385
Penny will do anything
to make me feel better.

211
00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:01,761
- Seriously?
- Look, I mean...

212
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:04,931
I'm not proud of it,
but it does work.

213
00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:09,185
I got her to watch a six-part
documentary on Monty Python.

214
00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:13,356
Even I was bored, I just wanted
to see if she'd make it to the end.

215
00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:15,650
You sound kind of proud of it.

216
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,986
- I am. I'm really proud.
- Yeah.

217
00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:22,031
Hello, Sheldon.
Is everything okay?

218
00:12:22,074 --> 00:12:24,075
Yes. Why?

219
00:12:24,201 --> 00:12:26,661
Well, the last time you made
an unscheduled video chat,

220
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:28,747
there was a curly fry
in your regular fries

221
00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:31,416
and you thought someone might be
trying to slip you a mickey.

222
00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:35,628
April 13...

223
00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:37,547
a dark night, indeed.

224
00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:40,175
So what can I do for you?

225
00:12:40,259 --> 00:12:42,469
I'm calling to invite you

226
00:12:42,553 --> 00:12:45,013
to a spontaneous date night
tomorrow evening.

227
00:12:45,097 --> 00:12:47,432
- Really?
- Yes.

228
00:12:47,516 --> 00:12:50,477
You were kind enough to watch
Raiders of the Lost Ark with me.

229
00:12:50,561 --> 00:12:54,814
So I'd like to return the favor
by inviting you to watch an episode

230
00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:57,901
of your favorite childhood
television series,

231
00:12:57,985 --> 00:13:00,069
Little House on the Prairie.

232
00:13:01,697 --> 00:13:03,656
That sounds lovely.

233
00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:06,075
Why are you rubbing your hands
together?

234
00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:10,246
(CLEARS THROAT)

235
00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:13,124
I'm putting on lotion.
Are you in or not?

236
00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:14,793
Of course I'm in.

237
00:13:14,877 --> 00:13:17,670
Excellent.
Then I shall see you tomorrow.

238
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,214
Good night, Dr. Fowler.

239
00:13:19,298 --> 00:13:20,965
Good night, Dr. Cooper.

240
00:13:21,091 --> 00:13:23,259
Good night, indeed.

241
00:13:25,262 --> 00:13:26,888
What a rube.

242
00:13:26,972 --> 00:13:29,599
Why would I put on lotion
when I have such soft hands?

243
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:34,813
You were really quiet during dinner.
Is everything okay?

244
00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:37,482
Yeah. I guess I was just thinking
about my mom,

245
00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:40,443
and how sad my childhood was.

246
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:43,571
Yeah, I bet it sucked.

247
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,257
I'm gonna take a bath.
You do the dishes.

248
00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:49,744
How about I take a bath with you
and see what happens.

249
00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:52,205
Here's what's gonna happen:

250
00:13:52,248 --> 00:13:54,415
I'm gonna take a bath,
and you're gonna do the dishes.

251
00:13:54,458 --> 00:13:57,460
That's it?
No compassion?

252
00:13:57,503 --> 00:13:59,838
Aw, poor Howie.
We good? I'm gonna take a bath.

253
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,714
Bernie...

254
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,883
God, what is going on with you?

255
00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:06,553
I'm sharing my pain.

256
00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:10,265
And I'm not buying it. Try again.

257
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:14,686
I'm learning to be a man in a culture

258
00:14:14,770 --> 00:14:17,355
where it's increasingly difficult
to know how.

259
00:14:17,439 --> 00:14:19,065
Strike two.

260
00:14:21,254 --> 00:14:22,254
I'm copying Leonard.

261
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:25,071
When he does this to Penny,
they have sex and watch Monty Python.

262
00:14:25,781 --> 00:14:27,532
- Howard!
- I know. It was dumb.

263
00:14:27,616 --> 00:14:30,660
I shouldn't have done it.
And it's making me feel sad.

264
00:14:31,787 --> 00:14:33,288
So sad.

265
00:14:35,833 --> 00:14:38,126
You know, why don't you take a bath?
I'll do the dishes.

266
00:14:41,964 --> 00:14:44,757
Three, two, one...

267
00:14:45,634 --> 00:14:46,759
That's it.

268
00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:49,178
Our dating profiles are live
on the Internet.

269
00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:53,975
Attention all shoppers:
my business is open for business!

270
00:14:55,519 --> 00:14:57,437
That's right, ladies.

271
00:14:57,521 --> 00:15:01,274
For all you know,
I'm confident and fun to be around.

272
00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:04,527
(COMPUTER CHIMES)

273
00:15:04,778 --> 00:15:07,906
Oh, cool, it tells you
when someone's reading your profile.

274
00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:10,783
"Jenny309."

275
00:15:11,368 --> 00:15:12,952
I hope that's not her weight.

276
00:15:14,788 --> 00:15:16,623
If it is, I'll... I'll take her.

277
00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:20,543
(COMPUTER DINGS)

278
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:23,254
Ooh! I got one, too.

279
00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:25,506
The ladies are coming to us.

280
00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:29,093
Oh, man,
if I'd started this years ago,

281
00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:31,721
I'd be divorced two or three times
by now.

282
00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:33,264
(COMPUTER CHIMES)

283
00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:34,933
What...? Another one.

284
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:37,393
You know, it's weird.

285
00:15:37,519 --> 00:15:40,355
When they're reading your profile,
does it make you feel exposed?

286
00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:42,273
Like they see you naked?

287
00:15:43,859 --> 00:15:46,653
Well, they're not running away
screaming, so, no.

288
00:15:49,573 --> 00:15:51,199
I love Little House.

289
00:15:51,241 --> 00:15:53,201
It made me want to live
on a farm so much

290
00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:54,869
I tried to milk my cat.

291
00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:01,125
That tangy bowl of Cheerios
was not worth the stitches.

292
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:05,797
Well, you sit back, relax,

293
00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:08,675
and enjoy a beloved
childhood memory.

294
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:11,844
♪ (LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE
THEME PLAYS) ♪

295
00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:15,390
You see that cabin there?

296
00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:19,018
I read they were illegally squatting
on Indian land.

297
00:16:21,021 --> 00:16:25,316
Personally, I think what we did
to the Native Americans was wrong,

298
00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:27,944
but this is your favorite show,
not mine.

299
00:16:28,862 --> 00:16:33,533
Oh, look at little Laura Ingalls,
eating that peanut butter sandwich.

300
00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:34,993
Peanut butter?

301
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:36,452
Huh...

302
00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:39,455
That's strange,

303
00:16:39,540 --> 00:16:43,001
since peanut butter wasn't introduced
until the early 1900s.

304
00:16:45,546 --> 00:16:47,755
If I knew this show was
about time travel,

305
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,757
I would have watched it much sooner.

306
00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:53,011
(TURNS OFF TV)

307
00:16:53,220 --> 00:16:54,804
You're trying to get back at me

308
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,556
for what I said
about Raiders of the Lost Ark.

309
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,391
That's silly.

310
00:16:58,517 --> 00:17:01,102
Almost as silly as Dr. Baker
having a telephone,

311
00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:04,272
since telephones only existed
in large cities at that time.

312
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,483
This is more like Little House
on the Preposterous.

313
00:17:08,944 --> 00:17:11,571
Sheldon, we're in a relationship.

314
00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:14,115
When you get angry, just tell me.

315
00:17:14,199 --> 00:17:15,825
You don't need to seek revenge.

316
00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:17,785
Are you sure?

317
00:17:19,621 --> 00:17:21,414
Every time my dad stayed out
all night,

318
00:17:21,457 --> 00:17:24,083
my mom would put hamster poop
in his chewing tobacco.

319
00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:28,227
Well, that's not how
we're going to do it.

320
00:17:28,797 --> 00:17:30,256
Fine.

321
00:17:30,340 --> 00:17:31,841
I'm mad at you.

322
00:17:31,925 --> 00:17:34,302
Not only did you ruin Raiders for me,

323
00:17:34,344 --> 00:17:36,179
you may have ruined
the whole franchise.

324
00:17:36,263 --> 00:17:38,097
Except for the fourth one,

325
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:40,266
which was bad
before you got your mitts on it.

326
00:17:42,144 --> 00:17:44,395
I shouldn't have said it.
I'm sorry.

327
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,355
Thank you.

328
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,900
- Do you feel better?
- Yes.

329
00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:51,242
But not as good as I'm going
to when I tell you

330
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:54,197
that your precious Garfield has
no reason to hate Mondays.

331
00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:57,408
He's a cat.
He doesn't have a job.

332
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:05,541
Hey, I was just...
What is happening?

333
00:18:07,419 --> 00:18:09,087
Oh, just a little treat.

334
00:18:09,171 --> 00:18:11,923
I know you've been feeling really bad
about your mom lately.

335
00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:15,259
Oh, oh, I have. So bad.

336
00:18:15,385 --> 00:18:17,637
And I wanted to make you feel better,

337
00:18:17,805 --> 00:18:20,515
so I planned something
very special for you.

338
00:18:20,641 --> 00:18:23,267
I can already feel it working.

339
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,938
Hello, Leonard.

340
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:31,150
Mom?!

341
00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:34,445
I understand you have been whining
about my parenting

342
00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:36,989
in order to emotionally manipulate
your girlfriend.

343
00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:38,866
I... uh...

344
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,535
Bernadette told me everything.

345
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:42,829
Now you don't get the left
or the right.

346
00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:49,585
Let's discuss why you continue
to involve me in your sex life.

347
00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:52,046
Oh, please, Mommy.
No, Mommy.

348
00:18:53,215 --> 00:18:54,632
When you were six years old,

349
00:18:54,716 --> 00:18:57,468
you walked in on me
and your father naked.

350
00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:02,765
I was swatting his bottom with
your brand-new Ping-Pong paddle.

351
00:19:06,061 --> 00:19:08,146
I didn't dream that?

352
00:19:09,606 --> 00:19:12,024
How did that make you feel?

353
00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:15,945
Penny, come back!
I'm sad for real now!

354
00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:22,493
In the last two hours,
162 women have read our profiles.

355
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:23,953
How many of them
have sent us messages?

356
00:19:24,037 --> 00:19:25,371
- Combined?
- Yes.

357
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:27,165
Zero.

358
00:19:29,877 --> 00:19:31,419
Dude, this is... this is brutal.

359
00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:34,714
I don't think I've ever felt
so rejected.

360
00:19:34,798 --> 00:19:38,676
And I had a rescue dog
who ran back to the pound.

361
00:19:40,929 --> 00:19:42,513
This is the worst.

362
00:19:42,639 --> 00:19:43,890
If we're gonna get shot down,

363
00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:46,350
we might as well just go to a bar
and do it old-school.

364
00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:49,979
- And make them look us in the eye.
- Yeah, anything is better than this.

365
00:19:50,564 --> 00:19:52,732
- Hello.
- Not interested.

366
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:54,692
♪ (POP MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

367
00:19:55,819 --> 00:19:57,945
I was wrong. This is worse.

368
00:20:02,075 --> 00:20:04,619
♪ (INDIANA JONES THEME PLAYS) ♪

369
00:20:07,122 --> 00:20:09,415
Wait, wait.
If it wasn't for Indiana Jones,

370
00:20:09,499 --> 00:20:11,499
the ark would never have ended up
at the warehouse!

371
00:20:11,501 --> 00:20:13,336
That's true!

372
00:20:13,420 --> 00:20:17,506
He collected and delivered the ark
to the proper authorities for filing.

373
00:20:17,549 --> 00:20:19,258
- Like a hero!
- Yes!

374
00:20:22,262 --> 00:20:24,722
Although, technically,
Indy was supposed to take the ark

375
00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:27,266
to a museum to be studied.
He couldn't even get that done.

376
00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:31,938
(ALL GRUMBLE)

377
00:20:55,754 --> 00:20:57,755
(English - US SDH)