1 00:00:42,219 --> 00:00:44,845 One time, when I was 13 years old 2 00:00:44,846 --> 00:00:46,931 and I was spending a week at my grandparents' house, 3 00:00:46,932 --> 00:00:49,016 and I was locked in the bathroom one night, late, 4 00:00:49,017 --> 00:00:50,601 after they had gone to sleep, 5 00:00:50,602 --> 00:00:53,938 and I was furiously masturbating, the way 13-year-old boys do, 6 00:00:53,939 --> 00:00:58,609 and I suddenly had this urge to rub the head of my penis 7 00:00:58,610 --> 00:01:02,154 on the underside of the Formica counter, 8 00:01:02,155 --> 00:01:03,739 because the top was smooth 9 00:01:03,740 --> 00:01:05,991 and I assumed the bottom would be smooth as well. 10 00:01:05,992 --> 00:01:09,453 Although I found out immediately that it was unfinished wood 11 00:01:09,454 --> 00:01:12,039 and I got a whole bunch of splinters in the head of my penis. 12 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:14,583 Now, I couldn't wake my grandparents up and tell them that. 13 00:01:14,584 --> 00:01:16,710 Obviously, I would have rather died than do that. 14 00:01:16,711 --> 00:01:19,713 So I crept around their house until I found a pair of tweezers. 15 00:01:19,714 --> 00:01:22,216 And then I locked myself back in the bathroom, 16 00:01:22,217 --> 00:01:25,052 and I carefully removed all of the splinters 17 00:01:25,053 --> 00:01:27,888 from my penis, wrapped it in toilet paper, 18 00:01:27,889 --> 00:01:31,350 which obviously got blood on it, and went to sleep. 19 00:01:31,351 --> 00:01:35,354 Until now, that was probably the greatest mistake that I made, 20 00:01:35,355 --> 00:01:38,482 but not getting a colonoscopy when I turned 50 - 21 00:01:38,483 --> 00:01:41,027 that one...is a little bit bigger! 22 00:01:52,873 --> 00:01:54,623 Ah, it's all garbage. 23 00:01:54,624 --> 00:01:57,418 When I told my mother that I had colon cancer, 24 00:01:57,419 --> 00:02:00,546 the first thing she said was, "What a fucking idiot!" 25 00:02:00,547 --> 00:02:03,674 She said, "That is the easiest cancer to stop. 26 00:02:03,675 --> 00:02:06,802 "All you need to do is get a colonoscopy." 27 00:02:06,803 --> 00:02:10,347 And I MAY still defeat it, but if I don't, she's right - 28 00:02:10,348 --> 00:02:11,766 I'm a fucking idiot. 29 00:02:18,815 --> 00:02:21,483 I'm going through this because I want to kind of make sure 30 00:02:21,484 --> 00:02:23,485 there's nothing sentimental or important 31 00:02:23,486 --> 00:02:27,656 that somebody else may want after I'm gone. 32 00:02:27,657 --> 00:02:30,326 Toilet paper. Maxell tapes. 33 00:02:30,327 --> 00:02:33,912 Andre is the most brilliant idiot that you've ever met. 34 00:02:33,914 --> 00:02:38,459 He's got a mind unlike most people I know. In fact, virtually everyone. 35 00:02:38,460 --> 00:02:40,210 I have a feeling somewhere in here, 36 00:02:40,212 --> 00:02:42,838 I have a pair of Kim Kardashian's pants. 37 00:02:42,839 --> 00:02:46,425 Oh, this is fun. This is awesome! 38 00:02:46,426 --> 00:02:53,307 I started buying hash and storing it in here, and the idea was, 39 00:02:53,308 --> 00:02:57,895 in case of a massive earthquake, I would use this as currency. 40 00:02:57,896 --> 00:03:00,273 And I also included a little pipe with it. 41 00:03:04,069 --> 00:03:09,990 Andre just always has had a penchant for obscure facts and a curiosity. 42 00:03:09,991 --> 00:03:13,285 Yeah, this might be her pants. Kim Kardashian. 43 00:03:13,286 --> 00:03:15,954 "Congratulations, I'm thrilled that you won 44 00:03:15,956 --> 00:03:18,374 "one of the items from my Kim's Kloset auction." 45 00:03:18,375 --> 00:03:21,251 And then it goes to the Life Change Community church. "Thank you." 46 00:03:21,253 --> 00:03:22,878 And it's signed by Kim Kardashian. 47 00:03:22,879 --> 00:03:25,215 Now, my plan was to scrape her DNA off of them, 48 00:03:26,174 --> 00:03:29,176 because you can't really wash pleather pants. 49 00:03:29,177 --> 00:03:33,806 And we could...clone her from them, someday. 50 00:03:33,807 --> 00:03:36,266 You never know what's going to come out of him. 51 00:03:36,268 --> 00:03:38,560 It could be quoting Nietzsche, 52 00:03:38,561 --> 00:03:42,189 it could be hot chicks picking up dog shit. 53 00:03:42,190 --> 00:03:46,151 It was either here or way the fuck out there. 54 00:03:46,152 --> 00:03:49,572 But the biggest Andre paradox was Janice. 55 00:03:58,748 --> 00:04:02,000 One day, we had been drinking in the bar for a few hours, 56 00:04:02,002 --> 00:04:04,712 and Janice, the bartender, approached Johnny and said, 57 00:04:04,713 --> 00:04:09,842 "Look, I'm Canadian. I need a green card. Will you marry me?" 58 00:04:09,843 --> 00:04:12,720 Because I was in my last year of college, 59 00:04:12,721 --> 00:04:16,265 my student visa was going to expire and I was going to get deported. 60 00:04:16,266 --> 00:04:20,269 So I thought, "Well, I need to ask Jonny D to marry me," 61 00:04:20,270 --> 00:04:22,354 because he didn't like the ladies so much, 62 00:04:22,355 --> 00:04:24,857 so I thought that would be uncomplicated. 63 00:04:24,858 --> 00:04:26,817 And he's like, "No, I'm not going to marry you." 64 00:04:26,818 --> 00:04:28,611 And I said, "I'll marry you!" 65 00:04:30,196 --> 00:04:32,114 And I was like, "What?!" 66 00:04:32,115 --> 00:04:34,241 She's like, "Are you sure you want to do this? 67 00:04:34,242 --> 00:04:37,453 "Like, you know, there's no sex, it's purely platonic. 68 00:04:37,454 --> 00:04:39,538 "But if you wanted to marry me, 69 00:04:39,539 --> 00:04:42,332 "you could move into the apartment over the bar with me." 70 00:04:42,334 --> 00:04:44,251 I was like, "Great, sounds wonderful." 71 00:04:44,252 --> 00:04:46,253 I figured it meant free drinks in the bar 72 00:04:46,254 --> 00:04:47,588 because I married the bartender. 73 00:04:47,589 --> 00:04:50,841 Which, you know, to Andre, is me being, like, the Wizard of Oz. 74 00:04:50,842 --> 00:04:52,593 She promised me a trip to Mexico. 75 00:04:52,594 --> 00:04:54,928 That was the payment for the green card marriage. 76 00:04:54,929 --> 00:04:57,806 And I had to stay married to her for two years. 77 00:04:57,807 --> 00:04:59,433 I went to Haight Street 78 00:04:59,434 --> 00:05:02,311 and bought an old wedding dress from the Goodwill for $30, 79 00:05:02,312 --> 00:05:05,355 and twined it up with a string to make it fit. 80 00:05:05,357 --> 00:05:07,900 Andre was wearing a powder blue tux. 81 00:05:07,901 --> 00:05:12,738 I think his brother happened to be in town, flew in from Japan. 82 00:05:12,739 --> 00:05:15,866 We happened to be stopping over on the way back 83 00:05:15,867 --> 00:05:18,786 from New York to San Francisco. 84 00:05:18,787 --> 00:05:20,913 And I was like, "Great, I'm getting married that night. 85 00:05:20,914 --> 00:05:23,207 "It's perfect. You can come to my wedding." 86 00:05:23,208 --> 00:05:25,709 "Is he serious?!" Because Andre being Andre, 87 00:05:25,710 --> 00:05:28,128 you never know what is serious and what is not. 88 00:05:28,129 --> 00:05:31,298 I was sort of interested in somebody who I was working with, 89 00:05:31,299 --> 00:05:34,092 and Andre had a girlfriend who was at our wedding. 90 00:05:34,094 --> 00:05:36,053 My girlfriend didn't take it very well. 91 00:05:36,054 --> 00:05:38,514 As a matter of fact, she got drunk and spent the night 92 00:05:38,515 --> 00:05:39,973 in Golden Gate Park alone. 93 00:05:39,974 --> 00:05:43,852 So maybe some people had a sense that this might be something 94 00:05:43,853 --> 00:05:47,231 more than just a green card wedding, but I didn't. 95 00:05:47,232 --> 00:05:50,776 Who is this woman that he's marrying that I didn't know anything about? 96 00:05:50,777 --> 00:05:54,321 "If he's marrying some woman out of a joke or a lark, 97 00:05:54,322 --> 00:05:57,784 "then what do I say to our parents?" 98 00:06:03,581 --> 00:06:07,125 I'm a super rule follower, so I immediately was afraid 99 00:06:07,127 --> 00:06:10,379 that I was going to get deported or we'd get caught or whatever it was. 100 00:06:10,380 --> 00:06:14,341 So I insisted that we had to just really, in an intense way, 101 00:06:14,342 --> 00:06:17,553 get to know each other really fast and really well. 102 00:06:17,554 --> 00:06:20,264 We would stay up, like, until four in the morning, 103 00:06:20,265 --> 00:06:23,308 just talking about our pasts and our childhoods, 104 00:06:23,309 --> 00:06:24,643 quizzing each other and... 105 00:06:24,644 --> 00:06:26,478 Which side of the bed would you have slept on, 106 00:06:26,479 --> 00:06:28,355 and what colour would your toothbrush be, and... 107 00:06:28,356 --> 00:06:30,274 What kind of milk do you prefer? Skim or whole? 108 00:06:30,275 --> 00:06:32,401 What did you do in the summers when you were a kid? 109 00:06:32,402 --> 00:06:34,361 Who was your fourth-grade teacher? 110 00:06:34,362 --> 00:06:37,489 When did you learn to tie your shoes? You know, bunny ears or not? 111 00:06:37,490 --> 00:06:39,783 Just unnecessarily detailed. 112 00:06:39,784 --> 00:06:42,703 We anticipated that our INS interview 113 00:06:42,704 --> 00:06:44,872 was going to be very much like The Newlywed Game, 114 00:06:44,873 --> 00:06:46,665 so we went and tried out for it. 115 00:06:46,666 --> 00:06:48,750 Hi, I'm Gary Kroeger and I've been searching 116 00:06:48,751 --> 00:06:52,713 beautiful San Francisco for their very best newlywed couples. 117 00:06:52,714 --> 00:06:54,756 You know what? I found them! 118 00:06:54,757 --> 00:06:57,260 Please welcome Janice and Andre Ricciardi. 119 00:07:00,638 --> 00:07:03,599 Hey. Welcome, welcome. Good luck to you. 120 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:07,020 If I could be any celebrity, I would love to be... 121 00:07:08,146 --> 00:07:09,521 Ozzy Osbourne! 122 00:07:09,522 --> 00:07:13,984 Michael Jackson's chimp Bubbles. I knew that! I love that monkey! 123 00:07:13,985 --> 00:07:15,319 I knew that! 124 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:17,070 And you can't exactly cheat. 125 00:07:17,071 --> 00:07:18,739 We had discussed beforehand, 126 00:07:18,740 --> 00:07:23,076 "How do we maximise our ability to maybe win this thing?" 127 00:07:23,077 --> 00:07:25,621 We figured out a method for cheating, which was, 128 00:07:25,622 --> 00:07:29,416 if there's an obvious true answer, pick that first. 129 00:07:29,417 --> 00:07:32,628 "She's secretly in love with Stephen King." 130 00:07:32,629 --> 00:07:36,298 That's my wife! Yeah! That is my wife. 131 00:07:36,299 --> 00:07:38,258 I don't know if I can hug you for that one! 132 00:07:38,259 --> 00:07:41,595 If there isn't an obvious true answer, pick the nicer one. 133 00:07:41,596 --> 00:07:46,058 For 50 points, born perfect or needs a little work? 134 00:07:46,059 --> 00:07:48,185 Born perfect. OK. All right! Woo! 135 00:07:48,186 --> 00:07:50,145 And if there isn't a nicer one, 136 00:07:50,146 --> 00:07:54,524 then pick the one that starts with the higher letter in the alphabet. 137 00:07:54,526 --> 00:07:56,193 Pepperoni or mushroom. Andre? 138 00:07:56,194 --> 00:07:59,112 Pepperoni. Perfect. Yeah! You get it. 139 00:07:59,113 --> 00:08:01,156 And then we started to gain and gain... 140 00:08:01,157 --> 00:08:05,035 Counts his pennies or loses track of money? Mark. Counts my pennies. 141 00:08:05,036 --> 00:08:08,914 You do. Andre. Loses track of the money! You're on a roll. 142 00:08:08,915 --> 00:08:10,999 Prefers an outside table. You're on a roll. 143 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:13,043 Spontaneous! Boy, you are doing well. 144 00:08:13,044 --> 00:08:15,170 All right, for 100 points and a trip to the Caribbean - 145 00:08:15,171 --> 00:08:18,507 he knows what she wants in bed, or he needs to be told. 146 00:08:18,508 --> 00:08:21,635 All right, Andre, don't say anything. You've got 230 right now. 147 00:08:21,636 --> 00:08:23,470 In first place right now are the Christiansens. 148 00:08:23,471 --> 00:08:25,389 If you get this right, you're going to the Caribbean. 149 00:08:25,390 --> 00:08:27,891 Otherwise, say bon voyage to the Christiansens. 150 00:08:27,892 --> 00:08:29,686 I know! OK! 151 00:08:34,983 --> 00:08:36,358 And using that simple strategy, 152 00:08:36,359 --> 00:08:38,860 we got ourselves a trip to the Sonesta Beach Resort 153 00:08:38,861 --> 00:08:42,782 on the island of Anguilla - that WE had to fucking pay taxes on! 154 00:08:44,075 --> 00:08:47,577 Andre called me a couple of weeks later and he said, 155 00:08:47,579 --> 00:08:52,791 "I have a problem. I've fucked my wife." And I said, "I'm sorry?" 156 00:08:52,792 --> 00:08:56,044 And he said, "Well, I mean, we actually had sex. 157 00:08:56,045 --> 00:08:59,131 "Now, it's supposed to just be a green card marriage, 158 00:08:59,132 --> 00:09:02,718 "but now I've fucked her, so now we're married on paper 159 00:09:02,719 --> 00:09:05,971 "and we're actually... we had sex together. 160 00:09:05,972 --> 00:09:09,099 "But it's not clear where our relationship is, 161 00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:12,853 "and I'm really not sure what this kind of means." 162 00:09:12,854 --> 00:09:14,271 It was one of those things where 163 00:09:14,272 --> 00:09:16,398 we were just so impressed with ourselves. 164 00:09:16,399 --> 00:09:18,943 Like, we were just like, "We are a good team." 165 00:09:29,954 --> 00:09:33,749 And then Janice had to have her INS interview, 166 00:09:33,750 --> 00:09:37,461 and the interviewer was completely just a dick and humourless. 167 00:09:37,462 --> 00:09:39,838 And he's like, "What proof of a shared life do you have?" 168 00:09:39,839 --> 00:09:41,840 And we're like, "We bought a car together, 169 00:09:41,841 --> 00:09:44,092 "we have insurance together, we live together." 170 00:09:44,093 --> 00:09:47,012 And then we mentioned, "Well, we were on The Newlywed Game." 171 00:09:47,013 --> 00:09:48,305 He was like, "Oh, well." 172 00:09:48,306 --> 00:09:50,057 And he closes all his books up and he's like, 173 00:09:50,058 --> 00:09:52,768 "If you won The Newlywed Game, there's nothing I can ask you 174 00:09:52,769 --> 00:09:55,312 "that they didn't already ask you. Have a nice life." 175 00:09:55,313 --> 00:09:58,648 And then we knew we'd done it and we'd passed 176 00:09:58,650 --> 00:10:00,525 and everything was going to be fine, 177 00:10:00,526 --> 00:10:03,320 except that now I'm admitting all this fraud. 178 00:10:03,321 --> 00:10:05,864 We were in love at that point. We started sleeping together. 179 00:10:05,865 --> 00:10:08,575 I broke up with my girlfriend. She broke up with her boyfriend. 180 00:10:08,576 --> 00:10:11,661 It was like, "Well, how much harder could having a kid be 181 00:10:11,663 --> 00:10:13,498 "than winning The Newlywed Game?" 182 00:10:15,667 --> 00:10:17,584 I've always called my dad "Andre". 183 00:10:17,585 --> 00:10:20,462 I have always called him by his first name. 184 00:10:20,463 --> 00:10:24,174 I pretty much always call my dad "Andre", 185 00:10:24,175 --> 00:10:26,427 and I have since I was a little kid. 186 00:10:33,559 --> 00:10:36,061 I think my dad is very unique, 187 00:10:36,062 --> 00:10:40,023 and so my relationship with him is very unique. 188 00:10:40,024 --> 00:10:42,609 Some of my friends' parents, they're just surprised 189 00:10:42,610 --> 00:10:44,986 when they meet him because he'll, like, 190 00:10:44,987 --> 00:10:47,739 make crazy jokes or he swears a lot. 191 00:10:47,740 --> 00:10:52,327 Well, my dad looks like someone who lives on the street. 192 00:10:52,328 --> 00:10:57,958 He had, like, huge hair. That was, like, kind of his signature thing. 193 00:10:57,959 --> 00:11:00,127 It's just Andre. 194 00:11:00,128 --> 00:11:02,379 Close for us looks different 195 00:11:02,380 --> 00:11:05,048 than it might for other fathers and daughters. 196 00:11:05,049 --> 00:11:10,512 We're not, like, hugging or touching. 197 00:11:10,513 --> 00:11:12,973 We're not really into that as a family. 198 00:11:12,974 --> 00:11:16,059 He wants a more cerebral relationship with them. 199 00:11:16,060 --> 00:11:18,019 You know, "Let's talk about the Ottoman Empire, 200 00:11:18,020 --> 00:11:20,730 "let's talk about all these conspiracy theories, 201 00:11:20,732 --> 00:11:22,357 "and let's talk about great books." 202 00:11:22,358 --> 00:11:24,818 At one point I was recovering from a surgery, 203 00:11:24,819 --> 00:11:27,195 and so I was kind of immobile. 204 00:11:27,196 --> 00:11:30,657 And my dad read me all of Helter Skelter, 205 00:11:30,658 --> 00:11:32,993 the book about the Manson murders. 206 00:11:32,994 --> 00:11:35,203 The nurses would come in and out of the room 207 00:11:35,204 --> 00:11:38,039 and hear him reading this to his daughter, 208 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:40,125 who was lying in the hospital bed. 209 00:11:40,126 --> 00:11:41,918 And it was definitely, like, 210 00:11:41,919 --> 00:11:44,963 a perfect encapsulation of our relationship. 211 00:11:44,964 --> 00:11:49,259 And I think that was a really poignant moment for me. 212 00:11:49,260 --> 00:11:53,763 If I had to describe Andre in one word, it would be "insane". 213 00:11:53,765 --> 00:11:56,308 Andre had creative gifts that he could have done 214 00:11:56,309 --> 00:11:57,976 a million things with. 215 00:11:57,977 --> 00:12:01,188 He just happened to get into advertising with those gifts. 216 00:12:01,189 --> 00:12:05,358 "Say, shoot, darn and fudge instead of BLEEP, BLEEP and BLEEP." 217 00:12:05,359 --> 00:12:09,487 He's pitching ideas that would get the company sued. 218 00:12:09,489 --> 00:12:13,241 All right, bruv, how you doin'? We're on our way. 219 00:12:13,242 --> 00:12:14,618 We're going to have some fun. 220 00:12:14,619 --> 00:12:19,289 Amber Duick is suing Toyota for cyberstalking her in an ad stunt. 221 00:12:19,290 --> 00:12:21,750 He was so talented that you put up with his shit. 222 00:12:21,751 --> 00:12:24,502 I remember one time we're working on a massive project 223 00:12:24,504 --> 00:12:28,924 for 20th century Fox, an ad campaign for Planet of the Apes. 224 00:12:28,925 --> 00:12:31,551 I think we called it The Apes Are Getting Smarter. 225 00:12:31,552 --> 00:12:33,845 The apes are getting smarter, and of course... 226 00:12:33,846 --> 00:12:36,139 And the human evolution and, like... Jesus fucking Christ. 227 00:12:36,140 --> 00:12:38,767 Andre's ranting, but the head of Fox Film Entertainment 228 00:12:38,768 --> 00:12:41,103 was like, "No shit." 229 00:12:46,484 --> 00:12:50,779 You only have time in life to get really good at a couple of things, 230 00:12:50,780 --> 00:12:53,657 so you need to be really careful what you get good at, 231 00:12:53,658 --> 00:12:56,743 and I chose to get good at...advertising?! 232 00:12:56,744 --> 00:13:00,622 What the fuck is wrong with me? What a waste of a life. 233 00:13:00,623 --> 00:13:04,793 I can't tell you how inconsequential advertising seems 234 00:13:04,794 --> 00:13:07,379 once you are diagnosed with cancer. 235 00:13:07,380 --> 00:13:10,090 Hi, everybody. Here we are in my kitchen. 236 00:13:10,091 --> 00:13:16,805 It's about 18 hours-plus before I get my first colonoscopy, and... 237 00:13:16,806 --> 00:13:20,850 I'll never forget that - Katie Couric getting a colonoscopy, 238 00:13:20,852 --> 00:13:23,728 live on Good Morning America, or whatever show she was on, 239 00:13:23,729 --> 00:13:26,523 because her husband had just passed away of colon cancer. 240 00:13:26,524 --> 00:13:28,024 I thought that's what this experience 241 00:13:28,025 --> 00:13:31,945 was going to be like for me. I was joking around with the nurses 242 00:13:31,946 --> 00:13:34,239 and the doctors, as I always do when I'm nervous. 243 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,491 I made my usual joke, which was, "I'm a drug addict. 244 00:13:36,492 --> 00:13:38,243 "You gotta give me twice the usual dose." 245 00:13:38,244 --> 00:13:40,078 I give... I'd like to request plenty of... No, I give... 246 00:13:40,079 --> 00:13:41,538 I give you what you need. ..of sedation. 247 00:13:41,539 --> 00:13:43,039 I give... No, I give you what you need. 248 00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:45,542 She had been drugged, so she was kind of twilight. 249 00:13:45,543 --> 00:13:47,502 The anaesthesiologist knocks you out. 250 00:13:47,503 --> 00:13:50,171 You're fully under for about 15 minutes, 251 00:13:50,172 --> 00:13:52,340 and they put a camera in your ass and they look at 252 00:13:52,341 --> 00:13:54,384 your polyps, or no polyps. 253 00:13:54,385 --> 00:13:56,886 So this is the process that I went through. 254 00:13:56,888 --> 00:13:58,138 It's as clean as a whistle. 255 00:13:58,139 --> 00:14:01,016 This is a perfectly normal examination. 256 00:14:01,017 --> 00:14:02,976 That wasn't bad at all. No, no. 257 00:14:02,977 --> 00:14:07,355 But my colonoscopy was not a happy, joyous, fun occasion 258 00:14:07,356 --> 00:14:10,066 with laughter, like when Katie Couric 259 00:14:10,067 --> 00:14:11,943 did it live on television. 260 00:14:11,944 --> 00:14:15,572 As I started waking up, there was all this buzzing around me, 261 00:14:15,573 --> 00:14:19,451 there was all this activity, and I heard one guy saying to another guy, 262 00:14:19,452 --> 00:14:21,202 "That was over 45 minutes. 263 00:14:21,203 --> 00:14:23,955 "That's the longest colonoscopy I've ever been to." 264 00:14:23,956 --> 00:14:26,249 And I thought, that could be good, that could be bad. 265 00:14:26,250 --> 00:14:28,460 And I'm dopey and I'm just waking up, 266 00:14:28,461 --> 00:14:31,046 and I'm starting to realise something's wrong. 267 00:14:31,047 --> 00:14:34,299 And then the doctor came over and said, "Hi, Andre. 268 00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:37,344 "Erm, I hate to say this, but we weren't able to 269 00:14:37,345 --> 00:14:39,429 "perform a colonoscopy because..." 270 00:14:39,430 --> 00:14:41,639 "..there's a mass in there so big that we can't even get 271 00:14:41,641 --> 00:14:43,391 "a paediatric camera in there." 272 00:14:43,392 --> 00:14:44,976 And so I said, "Well, what does that mean?" 273 00:14:44,977 --> 00:14:47,145 And she said, "Well, it looks cancerous. 274 00:14:47,146 --> 00:14:50,023 "I don't know. I put a tattoo on it" - 275 00:14:50,024 --> 00:14:52,150 didn't tell me what the tattoo was, but I guess that's 276 00:14:52,151 --> 00:14:54,486 something they do - "and I took a biopsy of it 277 00:14:54,487 --> 00:14:56,906 "and we'll find out, and we'll call you in a couple of days." 278 00:14:59,033 --> 00:15:00,784 They hadn't done a biopsy, they hadn't done anything. 279 00:15:00,785 --> 00:15:04,537 And I was like, "How dare they just blurt out that you have cancer?!" 280 00:15:04,538 --> 00:15:08,083 They haven't confirmed anything. It's not going to be true. 281 00:15:08,084 --> 00:15:10,502 Maybe two, three days later, the phone rang. 282 00:15:10,503 --> 00:15:14,839 I saw it was Doctor... I don't know what her name actually was 283 00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:18,176 because I just had her in my phone as "Ass Doctor". 284 00:15:18,177 --> 00:15:20,929 So, staging-wise, what does that mean? 285 00:15:20,930 --> 00:15:22,807 Erm, what would that be? 286 00:15:24,433 --> 00:15:25,977 Ah, fuck...! 287 00:15:28,187 --> 00:15:29,897 Oh, fuck. 288 00:15:36,529 --> 00:15:41,033 DISTANT: Well, if you chose to move forward with treatment, you... 289 00:15:48,582 --> 00:15:52,460 I went into the room afterwards, expecting him to say, 290 00:15:52,461 --> 00:15:55,463 "Oh, there's a polyp," or, "Oh, there's... 291 00:15:55,464 --> 00:15:56,798 "..something, there's something small, 292 00:15:56,799 --> 00:15:58,091 "there's the beginnings of something. 293 00:15:58,092 --> 00:15:59,884 "It's maybe stage one." 294 00:15:59,885 --> 00:16:02,929 And he said it was stage four, 295 00:16:02,930 --> 00:16:06,392 and he just was ashen. 296 00:16:08,352 --> 00:16:11,229 I think just shocked, erm, 297 00:16:11,230 --> 00:16:13,898 and I think stayed shocked 298 00:16:13,899 --> 00:16:15,609 for a long time. 299 00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:51,895 It's fascinating that I am dying and I want to document it. 300 00:16:51,896 --> 00:16:53,813 I want to learn from it. 301 00:16:53,814 --> 00:16:57,567 One way to deal with it, one way to obsess about my cancer 302 00:16:57,568 --> 00:17:02,238 and my impending mortality without focusing on the anxiety of it, 303 00:17:02,239 --> 00:17:04,240 is to make this film. 304 00:17:04,241 --> 00:17:06,117 103, take seven marker. 305 00:17:06,118 --> 00:17:08,411 CREW CHATTERS 306 00:17:08,412 --> 00:17:13,708 I think Andre is making this movie ultimately because Andre wants 307 00:17:13,709 --> 00:17:19,214 to do everything his way, including dying, and this is Andre. 308 00:17:19,215 --> 00:17:22,176 Andre interview, take one. 309 00:17:23,302 --> 00:17:25,011 If somebody else came to me and said, 310 00:17:25,012 --> 00:17:26,513 "I have colon cancer and I want 311 00:17:26,514 --> 00:17:29,224 "to make a documentary about my own death," 312 00:17:29,225 --> 00:17:30,892 I don't know how I would feel about that. 313 00:17:30,893 --> 00:17:32,852 I would be sort of torn. 314 00:17:32,853 --> 00:17:34,771 I would want to respect their wishes, 315 00:17:34,772 --> 00:17:38,608 but I would also think this is going to get really personal and ugly, 316 00:17:38,609 --> 00:17:41,611 and I'm not sure I would want to show that for somebody else. 317 00:17:41,612 --> 00:17:44,697 But for me? I'm all in. I don't give a fuck, you know? 318 00:17:44,698 --> 00:17:46,574 If you guys want pictures of my colon, 319 00:17:46,575 --> 00:17:49,452 I will gladly give you pictures of my colon. 320 00:17:49,453 --> 00:17:52,164 And I think for Andre, he gets a kick out of it. 321 00:17:54,542 --> 00:17:57,710 I was going to stick my tongue in that, but I decided not to. 322 00:17:57,711 --> 00:18:00,838 It's also saying "fuck you" to convention. 323 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:05,511 What better way to spend his final days on our planet? 324 00:18:15,271 --> 00:18:19,566 Yesterday I was at the hospital for six hours of chemotherapy, 325 00:18:19,567 --> 00:18:24,028 something you can avoid, er, pretty easily if you get a colonoscopy. 326 00:18:24,029 --> 00:18:26,155 As you can see, I am shirtless. 327 00:18:26,157 --> 00:18:30,243 Not just to show off my wonderfully tan, er, buff physique, 328 00:18:30,244 --> 00:18:32,787 but also to show you that I'm still plugged in here, 329 00:18:32,788 --> 00:18:34,831 and I'm still receiving chemotherapy, 330 00:18:34,832 --> 00:18:37,292 and I will be for the next 24 hours. 331 00:18:37,293 --> 00:18:41,921 And then I have this ball of chemotherapy, 332 00:18:41,922 --> 00:18:47,260 and this is slowly emptying over 24 hours. 333 00:18:47,261 --> 00:18:50,054 When they're changing the bags of the IVs, 334 00:18:50,055 --> 00:18:55,101 they wear full protective gear, including mask and gloves. Erm... 335 00:18:55,102 --> 00:18:57,145 It's sort of ironic that this is 336 00:18:57,146 --> 00:18:59,606 something you can't get on your skin, 337 00:18:59,607 --> 00:19:02,400 but they're putting it into a port that delivers it directly 338 00:19:02,401 --> 00:19:05,862 into an artery next to my heart so that it can pump through my body. 339 00:19:05,863 --> 00:19:08,365 Er, and that's something you just get used to, I guess. 340 00:19:15,539 --> 00:19:18,459 Dying is surprisingly boring. 341 00:19:20,169 --> 00:19:22,129 This is like a vacation for me. 342 00:19:25,758 --> 00:19:29,719 That's a weird thing to say, but there's sort of this feeling of, 343 00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:31,846 "Oh, my God, I have a terminal illness. 344 00:19:31,847 --> 00:19:34,390 "I have an illness that, you know, in all probabilities 345 00:19:34,391 --> 00:19:36,601 "is going to kill me within five years." 346 00:19:36,602 --> 00:19:39,479 And I feel part of me feels like the entire world should 347 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:42,690 come screeching to a halt and I should feel different 348 00:19:42,691 --> 00:19:46,778 and everything's now going to change into this "I'm dying" mode. 349 00:19:46,779 --> 00:19:48,696 And it didn't. And it isn't. 350 00:19:48,697 --> 00:19:51,532 I'm still unloading the dishwasher every morning. 351 00:19:51,533 --> 00:19:53,368 I'm still sitting in the same place, 352 00:19:53,369 --> 00:19:55,370 looking at the same fucking websites. 353 00:19:55,371 --> 00:19:58,623 And there's something really fascinating about that to me, 354 00:19:58,624 --> 00:20:05,213 which is how mundane my own death is and how routine it feels already. 355 00:20:05,214 --> 00:20:08,926 And it's only been eight, ten weeks that I've been diagnosed with this. 356 00:20:10,386 --> 00:20:12,804 Andre's surprisingly positive about all this, 357 00:20:12,805 --> 00:20:15,223 which is not anything any of us would have ever called. 358 00:20:15,224 --> 00:20:17,892 My wife was saying last night that it's sad. 359 00:20:17,893 --> 00:20:20,228 I don't think it's necessarily sad. 360 00:20:20,229 --> 00:20:25,316 I mean, I think this, to me, doesn't look like a disgusting ball 361 00:20:25,317 --> 00:20:26,693 of chemotherapy hair. 362 00:20:26,694 --> 00:20:29,821 To me, this just looks like a cute little character, you know? 363 00:20:29,822 --> 00:20:31,448 With a couple of googly eyes... 364 00:20:32,950 --> 00:20:34,617 You know, I'm creating all these little creatures 365 00:20:34,618 --> 00:20:36,327 that now live in my house. 366 00:20:36,328 --> 00:20:37,620 CREATURES COO AND LAUGH 367 00:20:37,621 --> 00:20:41,040 The most serious thing in the world is dying from cancer. 368 00:20:41,041 --> 00:20:46,212 I mean, it's hard to think of a more serious, draconian topic. 369 00:20:46,213 --> 00:20:51,968 And yet, Andre's laughing and joking and teasing and having fun. 370 00:20:51,969 --> 00:20:55,722 So now he's got the most painful situation, 371 00:20:55,723 --> 00:20:59,767 and he's using a proportionate amount of humour. 372 00:20:59,768 --> 00:21:01,436 You know, it's not the end of the world. 373 00:21:01,437 --> 00:21:04,939 Am I in denial about it? I don't even think so. 374 00:21:04,940 --> 00:21:06,983 Like, go on, go on. You're free. 375 00:21:06,984 --> 00:21:09,111 HE BLOWS 376 00:21:10,529 --> 00:21:12,990 Whee! 377 00:21:19,288 --> 00:21:20,997 There's really no cancer in my family, 378 00:21:20,998 --> 00:21:22,915 so I've thought about this long and hard, 379 00:21:22,916 --> 00:21:26,335 and I have some theories of where it could have come from. 380 00:21:26,337 --> 00:21:29,338 How I got cancer - theory number one. 381 00:21:29,340 --> 00:21:33,468 I ingested rat poison in Tompkins Square Park in the early '90s. 382 00:21:33,469 --> 00:21:35,428 I smoked cigarettes for 22 years. 383 00:21:35,429 --> 00:21:36,637 Salami. 384 00:21:36,638 --> 00:21:37,805 My mother gave it to me. 385 00:21:37,806 --> 00:21:41,100 When she was eight, she and her friends used to run behind 386 00:21:41,101 --> 00:21:45,062 the trucks that sprayed DDT. 387 00:21:45,064 --> 00:21:47,732 My mother was born with all the eggs she would ever have in her life. 388 00:21:47,733 --> 00:21:49,901 One of those eggs that I was fertilised 389 00:21:49,902 --> 00:21:52,487 and born from would have been present 390 00:21:52,488 --> 00:21:55,990 in my mother when she was an eight-year-old girl. 391 00:21:55,991 --> 00:21:57,242 Anyway, thanks, Mom. 392 00:21:59,453 --> 00:22:01,913 Hey, can I get two slices of cheese? Of cheese? Yep. 393 00:22:01,914 --> 00:22:04,457 I'll have a pepperoni. I got it. 394 00:22:04,458 --> 00:22:06,250 You sure? You got it yesterday. I got it. 395 00:22:06,251 --> 00:22:08,336 I will always buy you pizza, Lee. 396 00:22:08,337 --> 00:22:12,173 Even in death, I will buy you pizza. Aww, thanks, man. 397 00:22:12,174 --> 00:22:13,716 How are you going to do that? I don't know. 398 00:22:13,717 --> 00:22:15,636 We gotta figure that out. We don't have much time. 399 00:22:18,472 --> 00:22:21,224 Andre and I are not a couple in the traditional term of 400 00:22:21,225 --> 00:22:22,893 what someone might think is a couple. 401 00:22:24,645 --> 00:22:28,314 I consider Andre to be soul-mate status. 402 00:22:28,315 --> 00:22:31,108 There is that older brother, younger brother dynamic. 403 00:22:31,110 --> 00:22:33,611 Lee is the quintessential older brother, 404 00:22:33,612 --> 00:22:35,988 and I'm the quintessential younger brother. 405 00:22:35,989 --> 00:22:37,824 I invited Andre a couple of years ago, 406 00:22:37,825 --> 00:22:42,036 when I was scheduling a colonoscopy, to come get a colonoscopy with me. 407 00:22:42,037 --> 00:22:43,496 A couple's colonoscopy. 408 00:22:43,497 --> 00:22:47,208 And my first thought was, "OK, he wants me to hold his hand 409 00:22:47,209 --> 00:22:50,169 "because he's scared and he wants me to go with him 410 00:22:50,170 --> 00:22:52,713 "and make it easier for him." 411 00:22:52,714 --> 00:22:54,966 And so I said, "I'm happy to drive you," 412 00:22:54,967 --> 00:22:56,843 you know, "whatever you need. Tell me when it is." 413 00:22:56,844 --> 00:22:59,136 And he said, "No, no, no, no, I don't want you to drive me 414 00:22:59,138 --> 00:23:01,305 "to the colonoscopy, I want you to come with me 415 00:23:01,306 --> 00:23:03,182 "and get a colonoscopy with me. 416 00:23:03,183 --> 00:23:06,644 "We'll go in together. It'll be like a spa day. 417 00:23:06,645 --> 00:23:08,313 "We'll just do it as a couple's thing." 418 00:23:11,775 --> 00:23:15,779 We both would drink some liquids and shit ourselves together. 419 00:23:16,989 --> 00:23:19,533 SOUNDS OF DEFECATION 420 00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:32,003 I thought for sure, if there was anyone 421 00:23:32,004 --> 00:23:34,213 that was going to get a couple's colonoscopy with me, 422 00:23:34,214 --> 00:23:35,631 it was going to be Andre. 423 00:23:35,632 --> 00:23:39,135 Look, I'm not going to go get a colonoscopy with my friend. 424 00:23:39,136 --> 00:23:40,845 It's just a weird fucking thing. 425 00:23:40,846 --> 00:23:44,348 I probably came home and said to my wife, "Hey, by the way, 426 00:23:44,349 --> 00:23:46,434 "Lee said we should go get a colonoscopy together." 427 00:23:46,435 --> 00:23:50,146 And my wife probably said something to me like, "Are you fucking crazy? 428 00:23:50,147 --> 00:23:52,857 "Why would you do that with somebody else? That's insane." 429 00:23:52,858 --> 00:23:55,693 I instantly, of course, thought, "Oh, he's going to go do that 430 00:23:55,694 --> 00:23:56,777 "with somebody else. 431 00:23:56,778 --> 00:23:58,779 "Does he already have a couple's colonoscopy in place?" 432 00:23:58,780 --> 00:24:00,281 Cos why wouldn't he want to go do this? 433 00:24:00,282 --> 00:24:01,949 We need to do this. This needs to happen. 434 00:24:01,950 --> 00:24:03,868 We're at the age where it needs to happen. 435 00:24:03,869 --> 00:24:07,288 And almost to the day, a year after that, 436 00:24:07,289 --> 00:24:10,041 I was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer 437 00:24:10,042 --> 00:24:12,585 that had metastasised to my liver. 438 00:24:12,586 --> 00:24:15,087 His rejection of that couple's colonoscopy is 439 00:24:15,088 --> 00:24:18,341 what led directly to Andre having cancer. 440 00:24:18,342 --> 00:24:21,802 Had I gone a year before, I probably would have had cancer anyway, 441 00:24:21,803 --> 00:24:24,765 but it probably would have been really easy to treat. 442 00:24:26,433 --> 00:24:29,810 I'm not angry that he didn't get a colonoscopy. 443 00:24:29,811 --> 00:24:32,897 I mean, his motto used to be, "No cops, no doctors". 444 00:24:32,898 --> 00:24:35,650 I think, obviously, this could have been avoided 445 00:24:35,651 --> 00:24:37,610 or it could have been less severe. 446 00:24:37,611 --> 00:24:40,237 I was just as ignorant of it as he was. 447 00:24:40,239 --> 00:24:42,239 And it's not like it was ten years late. 448 00:24:42,241 --> 00:24:44,909 It was, you know, 18 months late or something like that. 449 00:24:44,910 --> 00:24:48,287 If he'd had a history of it in his family, if he'd had symptoms... 450 00:24:48,288 --> 00:24:51,040 But, no, I hadn't had one. We're the same age. 451 00:24:51,041 --> 00:24:56,796 He's very stoic and very much doesn't put his own health first 452 00:24:56,797 --> 00:24:58,923 in a lot of ways. 453 00:24:58,924 --> 00:25:01,801 I mean, the long answer is, if someone was going to die young, 454 00:25:01,802 --> 00:25:03,719 it was probably going to be Andre. 455 00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:05,972 SQUAWKING 456 00:25:05,973 --> 00:25:07,848 He's also the kind of person that would say, like, 457 00:25:07,849 --> 00:25:10,559 "Oh, I'm supposed to die early. That's what I was supposed to do. 458 00:25:10,561 --> 00:25:12,186 "I've lived a crazy life," whatever. 459 00:25:12,187 --> 00:25:17,984 Andre had a complex relationship to drugs and alcohol over the years. 460 00:25:17,985 --> 00:25:21,362 There were years where I drank every night until I passed out. 461 00:25:21,363 --> 00:25:23,948 I've probably done cocaine five, six times in my life. 462 00:25:23,949 --> 00:25:26,909 Done acid 100 times, 150 times in my life. 463 00:25:26,910 --> 00:25:28,911 I tried to do mushrooms a couple of times a year, 464 00:25:28,912 --> 00:25:30,329 just to clear out the cobwebs. 465 00:25:30,330 --> 00:25:34,083 He never did cocaine. He never did harder drugs. 466 00:25:34,084 --> 00:25:36,502 I've dabbled in heroin. I used to snort it. 467 00:25:36,503 --> 00:25:41,882 I have used meth quite a bit. Ecstasy, sure. Whatever, erm... 468 00:25:41,883 --> 00:25:45,261 But nothing... Nothing more serious than that. 469 00:25:45,262 --> 00:25:48,765 Nothing more serious than, you know, meth and heroin, I guess! 470 00:25:50,976 --> 00:25:53,353 Andre never really took great care of himself. 471 00:25:54,563 --> 00:25:57,149 He used to smoke a ton. I think he used to dip. 472 00:25:59,026 --> 00:26:00,444 He drank A LOT. 473 00:26:01,570 --> 00:26:04,321 And I think finally he had a run-in with his doctor, 474 00:26:04,323 --> 00:26:07,033 and the doctor's like, "You gotta...you gotta start 475 00:26:07,034 --> 00:26:08,577 "taking care of yourself." 476 00:26:10,037 --> 00:26:13,539 I had quit drinking three years before I got cancer. 477 00:26:13,540 --> 00:26:16,459 I was waking up every morning at five in the morning, 478 00:26:16,460 --> 00:26:19,379 getting myself as high as I could possibly get myself. 479 00:26:23,717 --> 00:26:27,428 And then getting on the peloton and riding for 45 minutes. 480 00:26:27,429 --> 00:26:30,431 I lost 30lbs, I was getting into shape, 481 00:26:30,432 --> 00:26:32,767 I felt like I was in the best shape of my life, 482 00:26:32,768 --> 00:26:36,146 and about once a week I would bleed out of my ass. 483 00:26:39,524 --> 00:26:42,110 But I thought it was a haemorrhoid. 484 00:26:44,321 --> 00:26:48,199 I just assumed this is another haemorrhoid. 485 00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:51,869 I had a Zoom appointment with some doctor I've never met before. 486 00:26:51,870 --> 00:26:54,538 They couldn't look at his ass on Zoom. 487 00:26:54,539 --> 00:26:57,541 He did not ask me to turn around and open my ass up to him, 488 00:26:57,542 --> 00:26:59,085 although I was prepared to. 489 00:26:59,086 --> 00:27:02,421 So he just described his symptoms and the doctor said, 490 00:27:02,422 --> 00:27:03,964 "Oh, yeah, that sounds like a haemorrhoid 491 00:27:03,965 --> 00:27:05,633 "from the riding the peloton too hard." 492 00:27:05,634 --> 00:27:08,135 "There you go. Get some Preparation H. You're done." 493 00:27:08,136 --> 00:27:11,848 Turns out I wasn't in the best shape of my life. I had cancer. 494 00:27:16,770 --> 00:27:18,897 TOILET FLUSHES 495 00:27:29,074 --> 00:27:32,201 When he first got his diagnosis, we hunkered down. 496 00:27:32,202 --> 00:27:35,496 I immediately was reading every single list 497 00:27:35,497 --> 00:27:36,914 of every nutritional thing we might need, 498 00:27:36,915 --> 00:27:38,666 and stocking the house with all these protein drinks 499 00:27:38,667 --> 00:27:40,459 and getting cookbooks on cancer diets 500 00:27:40,460 --> 00:27:41,628 and all this sort of thing. 501 00:27:44,297 --> 00:27:46,549 My mom's a really great caretaker. 502 00:27:46,550 --> 00:27:48,509 My dad would definitely not be 503 00:27:48,510 --> 00:27:51,595 as brave and resilient as he was if she wasn't there, 504 00:27:51,596 --> 00:27:53,348 like, helping him every step of the way. 505 00:28:05,652 --> 00:28:07,069 He handles chemo really well. 506 00:28:07,070 --> 00:28:10,698 He's kind of impervious to a lot of the worst side-effects. 507 00:28:10,699 --> 00:28:16,579 I absolutely prepared myself for chemotherapy by making sure 508 00:28:16,580 --> 00:28:19,707 I had hangovers for a good 35 years of my life. 509 00:28:19,708 --> 00:28:22,209 The mental aspect of it is similar. 510 00:28:22,210 --> 00:28:24,920 I feel like shit. I feel like I'm going to die. 511 00:28:24,921 --> 00:28:27,089 I need to put all that out of my mind, 512 00:28:27,090 --> 00:28:30,050 shut up about it and just keep doing whatever I'm doing. 513 00:28:30,051 --> 00:28:32,887 I think for people who don't have long periods 514 00:28:32,888 --> 00:28:36,265 of alcoholism in their lives and hangovers, 515 00:28:36,266 --> 00:28:38,809 this would be a much more challenging thing. 516 00:28:38,810 --> 00:28:41,187 He still looks good, I think, for someone 517 00:28:41,188 --> 00:28:44,190 who's been doing so much chemo, and he doesn't have that, like, 518 00:28:44,191 --> 00:28:47,026 skinny look that I kind of expected. 519 00:28:47,027 --> 00:28:49,153 Things are going well with the cancer. 520 00:28:49,154 --> 00:28:50,613 The cancer is shrinking. 521 00:28:50,614 --> 00:28:54,700 The cancer is still responding to the chemotherapy. 522 00:28:54,701 --> 00:28:57,119 I've gained a bunch of weight back, which is good. 523 00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:59,997 I've actually reached the point now where perhaps I'm getting 524 00:28:59,998 --> 00:29:02,875 a little too much weight and I should go on a diet. 525 00:29:02,876 --> 00:29:05,794 I'm having a harder time with Andre's hair loss than he is. 526 00:29:05,796 --> 00:29:08,255 Basically, the back of his hair fell off. 527 00:29:08,256 --> 00:29:11,133 So when you look at him straight on, it looks like he still 528 00:29:11,134 --> 00:29:13,177 has his hair pulled back in a man bun. 529 00:29:13,178 --> 00:29:18,308 But the whole man bun is gone, and I don't think he cares. 530 00:29:20,393 --> 00:29:22,728 Andre has changed since his diagnosis, 531 00:29:22,729 --> 00:29:25,564 and I thought that he would go angry. 532 00:29:25,565 --> 00:29:29,443 But Cancer Andre's really nice. 533 00:29:29,444 --> 00:29:31,780 Some of it may have to do with all the weed he's eating. 534 00:29:33,156 --> 00:29:36,492 We've started spending way more time together. 535 00:29:36,493 --> 00:29:39,870 I used to go on solo exercise walks around the lake, 536 00:29:39,871 --> 00:29:43,165 and now every single day, together, we go to the beach or the lake 537 00:29:43,166 --> 00:29:44,416 and we walk a couple of miles. 538 00:29:44,417 --> 00:29:48,921 And, you know, we talk about... sometimes, things other than cancer. 539 00:29:48,922 --> 00:29:50,464 Where's the most beautiful duck of all? 540 00:29:50,465 --> 00:29:51,590 Toasted marshmallow? 541 00:29:51,591 --> 00:29:55,344 DUCKS QUACK Fuck you! Stop. What? 542 00:29:55,345 --> 00:29:57,972 Part of it, I think, is him having hope 543 00:29:57,973 --> 00:30:00,724 and having a new appreciation for his life 544 00:30:00,725 --> 00:30:03,185 and our lives and his friends. 545 00:30:03,186 --> 00:30:07,023 But part of it is also being a stoic maturity. 546 00:30:10,569 --> 00:30:16,073 As vulnerable as he looks, talking about going to chemo, 547 00:30:16,074 --> 00:30:19,536 he's still guarding the very most vulnerable part of himself. 548 00:30:22,163 --> 00:30:24,374 There's a lot of nitty gritty we don't talk about. 549 00:30:26,585 --> 00:30:30,422 He's not willing to talk about pain and fear. 550 00:30:45,854 --> 00:30:47,896 It's definitely hard for my mom. 551 00:30:47,898 --> 00:30:49,481 Probably harder on her 552 00:30:49,482 --> 00:30:51,817 than anybody else in the family. 553 00:30:51,818 --> 00:30:53,777 But I don't know, we don't really talk about, like, 554 00:30:53,778 --> 00:30:55,989 how we're feeling about it that much. 555 00:30:58,491 --> 00:31:04,079 My parents keep a lot of the details from my sister and me, 556 00:31:04,080 --> 00:31:07,125 but I don't really want to know a lot of details. 557 00:31:16,468 --> 00:31:19,595 We don't really talk about how we feel about it, 558 00:31:19,596 --> 00:31:21,680 but we're both very happy 559 00:31:21,681 --> 00:31:24,142 with how strong and resilient he's being. 560 00:31:26,269 --> 00:31:29,271 It's hard to decide how much to tell the girls, 561 00:31:29,272 --> 00:31:32,608 because we want to be honest with them, 562 00:31:32,609 --> 00:31:34,402 but we don't want to burden them. 563 00:31:39,658 --> 00:31:42,701 I'm realising that I'm really good in the immediate panic 564 00:31:42,702 --> 00:31:44,953 of a situation like this, 565 00:31:44,955 --> 00:31:48,833 but figuring out how to act, longer-term, is harder. 566 00:31:50,377 --> 00:31:54,004 I can't just swoop in and fix everything, 567 00:31:54,005 --> 00:31:55,632 and... 568 00:31:58,176 --> 00:32:00,887 So that's when I have a harder time figuring out my role. 569 00:32:05,475 --> 00:32:08,602 I'm staying up till two in the morning reading, you know, 570 00:32:08,603 --> 00:32:11,773 Diane's Success Story: "I'm a colon cancer survivor." 571 00:32:13,024 --> 00:32:14,985 I like to think that he'll beat this. 572 00:32:18,154 --> 00:32:20,614 Maybe both of us are in a little bit of denial. 573 00:32:20,615 --> 00:32:24,119 And I think we like to label it as hopefulness. 574 00:32:35,964 --> 00:32:37,798 Once Andre told me his diagnosis, 575 00:32:37,799 --> 00:32:39,133 there was a moment, 576 00:32:39,134 --> 00:32:40,384 maybe a day or two, 577 00:32:40,385 --> 00:32:42,511 where I was, like, almost afraid to call. 578 00:32:42,512 --> 00:32:45,097 But, like, there was things that happened that... 579 00:32:45,098 --> 00:32:46,640 Like, I saw something funny, 580 00:32:46,641 --> 00:32:48,517 that it would be a thing that we would need to talk about. 581 00:32:48,518 --> 00:32:50,811 And I was standoffish for a couple of days. 582 00:32:50,812 --> 00:32:52,396 It was really eating at me. 583 00:32:52,397 --> 00:32:54,731 Why was I treating him different just because he had cancer? 584 00:32:54,733 --> 00:32:56,775 There is an awkwardness and an unease 585 00:32:56,776 --> 00:33:01,530 that's always existed between people and death. 586 00:33:01,531 --> 00:33:03,115 Because we're aware of our mortality 587 00:33:03,116 --> 00:33:05,951 and we don't know what happens after we die, 588 00:33:05,952 --> 00:33:08,036 it's taboo to talk about. 589 00:33:08,038 --> 00:33:09,496 One thing about our friendship 590 00:33:09,497 --> 00:33:11,874 and a coping mechanism that Andre and I have always had 591 00:33:11,875 --> 00:33:15,919 is that we find humour in shitty situations. 592 00:33:15,920 --> 00:33:18,464 From the beginning, we sort of decided, 593 00:33:18,465 --> 00:33:21,592 "Let's not change at all how we speak to each other." 594 00:33:21,593 --> 00:33:22,926 And once we did that, 595 00:33:22,927 --> 00:33:25,055 we didn't have to change anything about our friendship. 596 00:33:26,931 --> 00:33:28,682 Hey, do you want to make a wish? 597 00:33:28,683 --> 00:33:30,350 Mm-hm. What would you wish for? 598 00:33:30,351 --> 00:33:33,562 LAUGHTER 599 00:33:33,563 --> 00:33:35,190 I don't know. 600 00:33:38,068 --> 00:33:39,443 I don't know. What...? 601 00:33:39,444 --> 00:33:41,403 LAUGHTER 602 00:33:41,404 --> 00:33:43,740 Er, I can't think of anything. I can't think of anything. 603 00:33:45,575 --> 00:33:48,702 Let's keep the same irreverence that I have applied 604 00:33:48,703 --> 00:33:50,287 to absolutely everything in my life. 605 00:33:50,288 --> 00:33:52,873 It's not like, all of a sudden, "Guys, I'm dying, it's so sad. 606 00:33:52,874 --> 00:33:54,958 "You've got to take this seriously." Fuck that. 607 00:33:54,959 --> 00:33:56,251 How's Andre's cancer? 608 00:33:56,252 --> 00:33:58,545 It's goofy. MOCK HOARSE: Oh, it's pretty good. 609 00:33:58,546 --> 00:34:00,172 LAUGHTER 610 00:34:00,173 --> 00:34:02,257 I don't know. 611 00:34:02,258 --> 00:34:04,343 He's not wallowing in it. 612 00:34:04,344 --> 00:34:07,471 We're actually having fun with Andre dying. 613 00:34:07,472 --> 00:34:09,139 And I know that sounds crazy to say, 614 00:34:09,140 --> 00:34:12,684 but this is so very Andre - to do it that way. 615 00:34:12,685 --> 00:34:14,770 MOCK HOARSE: Come on, kids, you want to take your picture 616 00:34:14,771 --> 00:34:16,188 with anal cancer? 617 00:34:16,189 --> 00:34:19,316 LAUGHTER 618 00:34:19,317 --> 00:34:21,527 And then, when the anal cancer takes its mask off, 619 00:34:21,528 --> 00:34:24,197 it's just a real person and it freaks the kids out. 620 00:34:25,907 --> 00:34:27,991 My dad has always, my whole life, 621 00:34:27,992 --> 00:34:31,036 kind of joked about wanting to be preserved - 622 00:34:31,037 --> 00:34:33,830 like, cryogenic freezing and freezing of the head 623 00:34:33,832 --> 00:34:36,124 and freezing of the body - 624 00:34:36,126 --> 00:34:41,505 to one day cure whatever killed him and then be brought back to life. 625 00:34:41,506 --> 00:34:43,298 The next decision I would have to make 626 00:34:43,299 --> 00:34:48,136 is whether I want to get my body cryogenically frozen. 627 00:34:48,138 --> 00:34:49,805 My whole body or just my head? 628 00:34:49,806 --> 00:34:51,640 Is that it? Or is that...? 629 00:34:51,641 --> 00:34:54,101 No, we only offer full body. 630 00:34:54,102 --> 00:34:56,270 OK, well, that simplifies it. 631 00:34:56,271 --> 00:34:59,189 I printed out my genome. 632 00:34:59,190 --> 00:35:00,649 I printed these up for two reasons. 633 00:35:00,650 --> 00:35:04,820 One, I wanted to copyright them so that I own my own genome. 634 00:35:04,821 --> 00:35:05,988 But the other thing is, 635 00:35:05,989 --> 00:35:08,782 I thought it would be fun to have a hard copy printed out 636 00:35:08,783 --> 00:35:11,493 so that, perhaps at some point in the future, 637 00:35:11,494 --> 00:35:14,079 somebody could clone me or, you know, 638 00:35:14,080 --> 00:35:16,290 create a new me. 639 00:35:16,291 --> 00:35:19,835 He comes up with a bunch of ideas every day, 640 00:35:19,836 --> 00:35:23,130 and most of them are just crazy Andre ideas. 641 00:35:23,131 --> 00:35:25,799 And then some of them come to be actual things 642 00:35:25,800 --> 00:35:27,759 that other people have done. 643 00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:30,887 Andre is more Aristotelian than Platonic. 644 00:35:30,889 --> 00:35:32,973 He wants to know it all. 645 00:35:32,974 --> 00:35:34,891 He also has this incredible knack 646 00:35:34,893 --> 00:35:39,229 to be able to navigate the web like nobody I've ever met in my life. 647 00:35:39,230 --> 00:35:42,357 And in an era now of the internet, 648 00:35:42,358 --> 00:35:45,694 he can conjure up the most obscure knowledge 649 00:35:45,695 --> 00:35:47,614 about almost anything. 650 00:35:51,201 --> 00:35:53,870 There's a website for the death yells. 651 00:35:56,122 --> 00:35:58,041 I believe it's deathyells.com. 652 00:35:59,209 --> 00:36:02,586 I didn't know how serious it was at first, but it just... 653 00:36:02,587 --> 00:36:04,254 It was an idea I had never heard of, 654 00:36:04,255 --> 00:36:06,882 and it was that, you know, you should really 655 00:36:06,883 --> 00:36:08,800 work on your last words. 656 00:36:08,801 --> 00:36:11,053 But this was a completely new twist on it. 657 00:36:11,054 --> 00:36:13,138 And whether this guy is a nut or not 658 00:36:13,139 --> 00:36:14,306 didn't make any difference. 659 00:36:14,307 --> 00:36:16,391 It was like, "This seems like something I should be doing 660 00:36:16,392 --> 00:36:18,226 "now that I'm terminally ill." 661 00:36:18,228 --> 00:36:19,686 So I called Lee 662 00:36:19,687 --> 00:36:21,605 and I was trying to think of funny ones 663 00:36:21,606 --> 00:36:23,023 on the car ride up. 664 00:36:23,024 --> 00:36:25,108 I mean, I've been talking about my last words. 665 00:36:25,109 --> 00:36:26,860 Yeah. I just don't have any ideas. 666 00:36:26,861 --> 00:36:28,070 Well, my father-in-law - 667 00:36:28,071 --> 00:36:29,529 because we were there when he passed, 668 00:36:29,530 --> 00:36:31,365 and everyone was around, and he just said, 669 00:36:31,366 --> 00:36:32,824 "I'm really tired." 670 00:36:32,825 --> 00:36:34,618 And literally, that's the last thing I heard him say. 671 00:36:34,619 --> 00:36:36,162 That's kind of complaining. 672 00:36:39,624 --> 00:36:41,500 I guess this is our...? Hey. 673 00:36:41,501 --> 00:36:44,127 Ryan. Nice to see you. 674 00:36:44,128 --> 00:36:45,504 Welcome to my office. 675 00:36:45,505 --> 00:36:47,464 This will be the most important sound 676 00:36:47,465 --> 00:36:49,591 you will ever make on this earth. 677 00:36:49,592 --> 00:36:50,759 The death yell. 678 00:36:50,760 --> 00:36:53,261 And it's the last sound this earth will hear from you. Mm. 679 00:36:53,263 --> 00:36:55,347 And so it should be simple and concise. 680 00:36:55,348 --> 00:36:58,016 And it should really be, you know, from the heart. 681 00:36:58,017 --> 00:37:01,269 But also connect with your audience, whoever that audience may be. 682 00:37:01,271 --> 00:37:04,439 I've heard the story that you don't really die 683 00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:07,442 until nobody speaks your name anymore. 684 00:37:07,443 --> 00:37:10,654 The real death that happens is when you're forgotten. 685 00:37:10,655 --> 00:37:14,616 So I figure, with a good death yell, you could extend your life... 686 00:37:14,617 --> 00:37:16,660 Yeah. ..infinitely, potentially. 687 00:37:16,661 --> 00:37:19,329 All you want is to inspire the people around you 688 00:37:19,330 --> 00:37:21,415 and have the people on the other side... 689 00:37:21,416 --> 00:37:23,208 Right. ..be excited to meet you. 690 00:37:23,209 --> 00:37:26,628 Inspire the people around me to do what? 691 00:37:26,629 --> 00:37:28,004 Just to feel, you know? 692 00:37:28,006 --> 00:37:31,299 To feel, "Wow, that was a powerful force." 693 00:37:31,301 --> 00:37:34,553 Not like, "Oh, geez, that was awkward." 694 00:37:34,554 --> 00:37:35,762 The death yell. Yeah. 695 00:37:35,763 --> 00:37:38,014 All right. This is the place. 696 00:37:38,016 --> 00:37:40,183 And if you hear the echo, feel it back, 697 00:37:40,184 --> 00:37:42,436 you kind of will know if it's right or not. 698 00:37:42,437 --> 00:37:44,938 Fuck, yeah, man! 699 00:37:44,939 --> 00:37:46,815 No. No? Horrible. 700 00:37:46,816 --> 00:37:48,525 RYAN SIGHS Just take a deep breath, 701 00:37:48,526 --> 00:37:51,362 close your eyes, and the first thing that comes to mind. 702 00:37:54,782 --> 00:37:58,493 So long, suckers! 703 00:37:58,494 --> 00:37:59,745 Yeah. Like that? Yeah. 704 00:37:59,746 --> 00:38:01,037 All right. Yes. 705 00:38:01,039 --> 00:38:03,331 That feels pretty good. Yeah. All right. 706 00:38:03,333 --> 00:38:06,460 Come and get me, spaceman! 707 00:38:06,461 --> 00:38:07,794 Getting weird. 708 00:38:07,795 --> 00:38:09,379 If you get on a roller-coaster 709 00:38:09,380 --> 00:38:11,131 or you're on the freeway, like, practise. 710 00:38:11,132 --> 00:38:14,050 Just, like, somebody at their last moment - 711 00:38:14,052 --> 00:38:16,261 and they, you know, got hit by a car - 712 00:38:16,262 --> 00:38:18,764 like, they could go, "Ooh! 713 00:38:18,765 --> 00:38:21,725 "Ooh! Bleurgh!" 714 00:38:21,726 --> 00:38:23,977 It could be in the street, it could be in an ice cream shop - 715 00:38:23,978 --> 00:38:25,145 you'll never know. 716 00:38:25,146 --> 00:38:26,730 And that's why you've got to practise. 717 00:38:26,731 --> 00:38:28,482 Like, you want to go out with something 718 00:38:28,483 --> 00:38:30,942 that's strong and powerful. 719 00:38:30,943 --> 00:38:32,986 Bo! Ka-ka-ka-ka! 720 00:38:32,987 --> 00:38:35,363 Clack-a-lack-a-lack! Fire in the hole! 721 00:38:35,365 --> 00:38:37,365 I'm coming to get you, God! 722 00:38:37,367 --> 00:38:40,203 THEY SCREAM 723 00:38:49,712 --> 00:38:51,421 Yeah. Yeah. 724 00:38:51,422 --> 00:38:53,423 That was pretty good! I've got to sit down! 725 00:38:53,424 --> 00:38:55,592 You might actually die doing this. 726 00:38:55,593 --> 00:38:57,177 LAUGHTER 727 00:38:57,178 --> 00:38:59,138 I feel like I taste blood in my throat. 728 00:39:00,640 --> 00:39:02,600 OK. Good? Yeah. 729 00:39:05,186 --> 00:39:08,522 You mentioned a couple weeks ago to me an idea that you had. 730 00:39:08,523 --> 00:39:10,148 Yes. OK. 731 00:39:10,149 --> 00:39:14,903 Imagine this as a big, network, 732 00:39:14,904 --> 00:39:17,531 competitive unscripted television show. 733 00:39:17,532 --> 00:39:19,991 So think of, like, The Voice, right? 734 00:39:19,992 --> 00:39:21,326 But this isn't The Voice. 735 00:39:21,327 --> 00:39:24,704 What this show is, it's called Who Wants to Kill Me? 736 00:39:24,705 --> 00:39:29,417 And the idea of the show is we bring in five or six people 737 00:39:29,419 --> 00:39:32,588 who have legitimate reasons for wanting to kill me. 738 00:39:35,591 --> 00:39:38,219 Maybe there's just an ex-girlfriend who hates me. 739 00:39:41,013 --> 00:39:43,349 A chef who really wants to cook with human flesh. 740 00:39:45,726 --> 00:39:47,437 Use me as a medical experiment. 741 00:39:49,814 --> 00:39:51,190 Blow me up. 742 00:39:53,276 --> 00:39:55,610 Put me in a stadium, release the lions 743 00:39:55,611 --> 00:39:57,321 and see how long I can fight them. 744 00:39:59,240 --> 00:40:00,407 And then America votes, 745 00:40:00,408 --> 00:40:02,826 and whoever they vote for gets to take my life. 746 00:40:02,827 --> 00:40:06,288 Because it would be much better to let anybody kill me. 747 00:40:06,289 --> 00:40:08,081 An amateur magician 748 00:40:08,082 --> 00:40:10,166 or a budding serial killer 749 00:40:10,168 --> 00:40:11,793 or an ex-girlfriend 750 00:40:11,794 --> 00:40:14,921 seem much more appealing to me than letting cancer kill me. 751 00:40:14,922 --> 00:40:16,882 But maybe that's not true. 752 00:40:16,883 --> 00:40:19,719 Well, I think, you know, you... 753 00:40:21,387 --> 00:40:26,433 ..have a capacity to find the comedic in everything. Right. 754 00:40:26,434 --> 00:40:29,352 And so I would say, you know, the goal is to make 755 00:40:29,353 --> 00:40:32,230 enough room so that multiple feelings 756 00:40:32,231 --> 00:40:35,358 can be fully present at the same time, 757 00:40:35,359 --> 00:40:39,529 that the tragic and the beautiful and the comic - 758 00:40:39,530 --> 00:40:41,491 that there's space for all of it. 759 00:40:43,034 --> 00:40:46,078 There may be moments for you to visit grief more fully. 760 00:40:47,872 --> 00:40:52,500 You know, it is beautiful, it is funny, 761 00:40:52,502 --> 00:40:53,835 it is outrageous, 762 00:40:53,836 --> 00:40:56,631 and it's also very sad that you have cancer, Andre. 763 00:41:09,143 --> 00:41:11,686 I've been collecting other people's 764 00:41:11,687 --> 00:41:14,147 old photo albums since I was a child. 765 00:41:14,148 --> 00:41:19,152 I used to buy them at junk shops, at antique stores, 766 00:41:19,153 --> 00:41:20,488 at garage sales. 767 00:41:21,697 --> 00:41:26,743 There's something profoundly private about a photo album. 768 00:41:26,744 --> 00:41:29,329 It's like this unfiltered look at who they are 769 00:41:29,330 --> 00:41:32,208 in a way that you just can't get anywhere else. 770 00:41:34,418 --> 00:41:36,419 This is really subtle and hard to see 771 00:41:36,420 --> 00:41:40,924 in an otherwise completely boring album. 772 00:41:40,925 --> 00:41:46,388 It's maybe 25 pictures of Christmas, 773 00:41:46,389 --> 00:41:49,391 and there's nothing really interesting about it. 774 00:41:49,392 --> 00:41:53,311 But then there's this one mistake in the album 775 00:41:53,312 --> 00:41:56,147 that I'm sure they did not mean to reveal. 776 00:41:56,148 --> 00:42:01,403 And when I saw it, it terrified me. 777 00:42:01,404 --> 00:42:04,155 It's a picture of a family standing around 778 00:42:04,156 --> 00:42:05,657 in front of the Christmas tree. 779 00:42:05,658 --> 00:42:08,159 And then, a few pictures later, 780 00:42:08,160 --> 00:42:13,373 there's a second picture taken just a second before that first one. 781 00:42:13,374 --> 00:42:18,086 Only, in this second photograph, you can see the head of somebody 782 00:42:18,087 --> 00:42:23,299 who appears to be right behind the woman, holding her up. 783 00:42:23,301 --> 00:42:24,843 And when I first saw it, 784 00:42:24,844 --> 00:42:28,430 it looked like there was just this ghost behind the woman. 785 00:42:28,431 --> 00:42:32,142 Why is there this woman behind this other woman? 786 00:42:32,143 --> 00:42:34,978 And as I looked at it, it seems like she's wearing 787 00:42:34,979 --> 00:42:37,605 a white uniform and she has white hair. 788 00:42:37,607 --> 00:42:40,483 And I realised she's probably the housekeeper, 789 00:42:40,484 --> 00:42:42,569 the maid, the helper. 790 00:42:42,570 --> 00:42:45,697 And she's probably holding this woman up 791 00:42:45,698 --> 00:42:48,825 because the woman has polio and can't stand - 792 00:42:48,826 --> 00:42:51,619 and that was something that they were ashamed of. 793 00:42:51,621 --> 00:42:52,746 They're trying to hide it. 794 00:42:52,747 --> 00:42:54,332 They're doing everything they can to hide it. 795 00:42:55,750 --> 00:42:57,917 People really tend to be very private 796 00:42:57,918 --> 00:42:59,085 about their weaknesses, 797 00:42:59,086 --> 00:43:00,795 about their vulnerabilities. 798 00:43:00,796 --> 00:43:04,090 So we paint the portraits that we want people to see. 799 00:43:04,091 --> 00:43:08,678 We create the vision of ourselves that we want people to see. 800 00:43:08,679 --> 00:43:09,846 But the most beautiful, 801 00:43:09,847 --> 00:43:11,556 most fascinating portraits 802 00:43:11,557 --> 00:43:14,392 are the ones that aren't the idealised version. 803 00:43:14,393 --> 00:43:17,479 They're the ones that show the flaws that are in us 804 00:43:17,480 --> 00:43:19,940 and tell that more complete story. 805 00:43:25,780 --> 00:43:29,699 The thing about colon cancer is it responds well to medicine. 806 00:43:29,700 --> 00:43:31,284 Often people will go into remission - 807 00:43:31,285 --> 00:43:32,410 maybe not with stage four, 808 00:43:32,411 --> 00:43:35,914 but stage one or stage two or stage three cancer. 809 00:43:35,915 --> 00:43:38,124 You'll feel like you beat it, time will go by, 810 00:43:38,125 --> 00:43:39,584 and then it comes roaring back. 811 00:43:39,585 --> 00:43:40,794 And when it comes back, 812 00:43:40,795 --> 00:43:43,213 it's much more aggressive, it spreads much quicker 813 00:43:43,214 --> 00:43:45,131 and it doesn't respond to medication, 814 00:43:45,132 --> 00:43:47,050 and you tend to die very quickly. 815 00:43:47,051 --> 00:43:51,387 I responded really well to the chemo from December, January 816 00:43:51,389 --> 00:43:52,722 a year ago - 817 00:43:52,723 --> 00:43:54,307 all the way through the summer. 818 00:43:54,308 --> 00:43:56,184 But they had to keep reducing the doses 819 00:43:56,185 --> 00:43:59,854 of the chemo they were giving me cos my platelets were so low. 820 00:43:59,855 --> 00:44:02,941 I went almost eight weeks without getting any chemotherapy. 821 00:44:02,942 --> 00:44:04,943 My hair started growing back. 822 00:44:04,944 --> 00:44:07,028 Only it's really not my hair - 823 00:44:07,029 --> 00:44:09,489 it feels like somebody else's hair. 824 00:44:09,490 --> 00:44:12,367 It's much thinner than my hair is, it's much darker. 825 00:44:12,368 --> 00:44:16,121 It's also sort of wispy and thin and somewhat straight. 826 00:44:16,122 --> 00:44:19,165 It's kind of strange that it's grown back this way. 827 00:44:19,166 --> 00:44:20,834 I imagine there's probably some guy 828 00:44:20,835 --> 00:44:22,418 walking around in the Midwest losing his hair, 829 00:44:22,420 --> 00:44:24,129 wondering who's finding it. 830 00:44:24,130 --> 00:44:26,214 Well, it's me. I'm finding your hair. 831 00:44:26,215 --> 00:44:27,549 And thank you. 832 00:44:27,550 --> 00:44:30,552 As the hair has grown back, so has the cancer. 833 00:44:30,553 --> 00:44:32,887 So, the healthier I look, 834 00:44:32,888 --> 00:44:36,850 that means the sicker I probably am right now. 835 00:44:36,851 --> 00:44:38,143 You know, people see me and they're like, 836 00:44:38,144 --> 00:44:39,352 "Hey, you look great." 837 00:44:39,353 --> 00:44:41,938 And I'm like, "Yeah, but I can feel the cancer coming back 838 00:44:41,939 --> 00:44:43,356 "in my liver again. 839 00:44:43,357 --> 00:44:45,608 "If you put your hand right here, you can feel a little tumour." 840 00:44:45,609 --> 00:44:46,901 And, you know, that sort of thing. 841 00:44:46,902 --> 00:44:49,447 And people don't like doing that at lunch, I've noticed. 842 00:44:51,115 --> 00:44:54,450 OK, so we are going to the hospital 843 00:44:54,452 --> 00:44:59,080 so I can get my usual three-month scan. 844 00:44:59,081 --> 00:45:00,750 Janice, you got anything to add? 845 00:45:02,209 --> 00:45:04,669 I'm going for just straight-up positivity - 846 00:45:04,670 --> 00:45:08,965 and that this is all going to be just excellent news. 847 00:45:08,966 --> 00:45:10,758 She's going to give you a prize. 848 00:45:10,760 --> 00:45:12,927 All excellent news and a prize. 849 00:45:12,928 --> 00:45:14,847 That's what Janice is predicting. 850 00:45:18,309 --> 00:45:20,018 I went in for the scans. 851 00:45:20,019 --> 00:45:22,228 Then, two days after it, 852 00:45:22,229 --> 00:45:23,605 while I was in the shower, 853 00:45:23,606 --> 00:45:25,231 my phone started blowing up. 854 00:45:25,232 --> 00:45:27,984 One of the texts was from my oncologist, 855 00:45:27,985 --> 00:45:30,445 and the first line of her email said, 856 00:45:30,446 --> 00:45:32,573 "So those scans were disappointing." 857 00:45:33,616 --> 00:45:35,159 And I thought, "Oh, fuck." 858 00:45:36,702 --> 00:45:40,246 So the things in the lungs are really tiny. 859 00:45:40,247 --> 00:45:42,290 The largest of these pulmonary nodules 860 00:45:42,291 --> 00:45:44,000 measures seven millimetres, 861 00:45:44,001 --> 00:45:46,920 but I would say that the vast majority are more 862 00:45:46,921 --> 00:45:50,256 in the two, three millimetre range. 863 00:45:50,257 --> 00:45:54,302 The liver is the part that is the most concerning right now. 864 00:45:54,303 --> 00:45:55,470 Mm-hm. 865 00:45:55,471 --> 00:45:59,098 I think the oncologist gave us the idea 866 00:45:59,099 --> 00:46:01,476 that the spread to the lungs and the adrenal glands 867 00:46:01,477 --> 00:46:03,978 weren't as concerning 868 00:46:03,979 --> 00:46:08,692 as what they called the "innumerable tumours" in his liver. 869 00:46:10,986 --> 00:46:14,906 And, you know, when a scientist just uses the word "innumerable", 870 00:46:14,907 --> 00:46:17,827 it seems frightening. 871 00:46:25,793 --> 00:46:28,336 872 00:46:28,337 --> 00:46:31,464 873 00:46:31,465 --> 00:46:33,007 when you're old 874 00:46:33,008 --> 00:46:34,550 you're young 875 00:46:34,552 --> 00:46:37,512 876 00:46:37,513 --> 00:46:40,306 877 00:46:40,307 --> 00:46:42,183 878 00:46:42,184 --> 00:46:44,520 879 00:46:47,106 --> 00:46:49,565 You know, every scan I've gotten has been OK. 880 00:46:49,567 --> 00:46:52,277 Things have just been sort of smoothly going along. 881 00:46:52,278 --> 00:46:54,904 And suddenly this catastrophe happens. 882 00:46:54,905 --> 00:46:56,823 And my first instinct was, 883 00:46:56,824 --> 00:46:59,368 "Why don't we get out and do something?" 884 00:47:04,498 --> 00:47:06,833 And it just made sense to drive. 885 00:47:06,834 --> 00:47:09,836 We could get out of San Francisco for the first time in years. 886 00:47:09,837 --> 00:47:12,631 We could see a bit of the country that I've never been to. 887 00:47:14,884 --> 00:47:17,844 I think most people would go to Paris and Nice 888 00:47:17,845 --> 00:47:20,972 and, you know, go eat pizza in Naples. 889 00:47:20,973 --> 00:47:24,143 And instead we saw a whole lot of just nothing. 890 00:47:25,603 --> 00:47:26,979 And I love nothing. 891 00:47:29,148 --> 00:47:31,692 And I really wanted to spend some time with Lee. 892 00:47:35,070 --> 00:47:36,529 Girl from my high school died. 893 00:47:36,530 --> 00:47:38,698 Mattress blew off the car in front of her. 894 00:47:38,699 --> 00:47:39,824 Really? Yeah. 895 00:47:39,825 --> 00:47:41,701 She died pretty, you know? 896 00:47:41,702 --> 00:47:44,495 The idea that you, you know... Yeah. 897 00:47:44,496 --> 00:47:46,873 You want to... You want to leave a pretty corpse. 898 00:47:46,874 --> 00:47:48,875 Yeah. I subscribe to that. 899 00:47:48,876 --> 00:47:51,627 I mean, I think my corpse is still fuckable. 900 00:47:51,629 --> 00:47:53,296 Yeah. But not, you know... 901 00:47:53,297 --> 00:47:56,215 Sure. And I think as I lose a little more weight, 902 00:47:56,216 --> 00:47:58,259 as time goes on with the chemo... Yeah. 903 00:47:58,260 --> 00:47:59,552 ..I'll look better and better. 904 00:47:59,553 --> 00:48:01,388 Yeah, I'm looking forward to that. 905 00:48:05,601 --> 00:48:07,060 We drove for hours 906 00:48:07,061 --> 00:48:09,979 and we got out to this dead lakebed, 907 00:48:09,980 --> 00:48:12,440 this desert out in the middle of nowhere, 908 00:48:12,441 --> 00:48:14,735 and we could do whatever the fuck we wanted. 909 00:48:16,195 --> 00:48:18,864 LAUGHTER Holy shit, dude! 910 00:48:21,533 --> 00:48:22,910 Well... 911 00:48:24,745 --> 00:48:26,162 Now what? 912 00:48:26,163 --> 00:48:28,581 LAUGHTER 913 00:48:28,582 --> 00:48:30,249 Let's do some drugs. 914 00:48:30,250 --> 00:48:33,961 This is probably the farthest I've been from a city 915 00:48:33,963 --> 00:48:35,963 in my entire life. 916 00:48:35,965 --> 00:48:37,508 Yeah, there's just nothing. 917 00:48:39,802 --> 00:48:43,222 The first thing I noticed was the silence. 918 00:48:45,432 --> 00:48:48,351 I-I don't even know how to sort of describe it. 919 00:48:48,352 --> 00:48:52,940 I've never really experienced silence like that before. 920 00:48:58,070 --> 00:49:01,072 For the first time in maybe my life, 921 00:49:01,073 --> 00:49:03,158 I was just alone with my thoughts... 922 00:49:04,326 --> 00:49:06,203 ..and all that nothingness. 923 00:49:07,287 --> 00:49:09,540 And of course, that made me think of death. 924 00:49:12,334 --> 00:49:15,461 That's what I think death is. I expect death to be empty. 925 00:49:15,462 --> 00:49:17,964 And that was about as empty as I've ever felt. 926 00:49:17,965 --> 00:49:20,258 The other guys! LAUGHTER 927 00:49:20,259 --> 00:49:21,926 Crying at the beauty, my friend. 928 00:49:21,927 --> 00:49:23,470 Crying at the beauty. 929 00:49:28,976 --> 00:49:30,519 We just had a good time. 930 00:49:32,980 --> 00:49:34,439 I ate some mushrooms. 931 00:49:34,440 --> 00:49:35,899 We sat around the fire. 932 00:49:37,901 --> 00:49:39,570 All of the tension was gone. 933 00:49:41,739 --> 00:49:44,407 He and I were just sitting out in the middle of nowhere, 934 00:49:44,408 --> 00:49:47,453 under the fucking Milky Way, having a good time. 935 00:51:24,716 --> 00:51:27,802 So what I've been referring to this as 936 00:51:27,803 --> 00:51:28,970 is a piece of work - 937 00:51:28,971 --> 00:51:32,056 not necessarily a TV commercial, but something... 938 00:51:32,057 --> 00:51:33,307 Could be a TV commercial. 939 00:51:33,308 --> 00:51:34,934 Yeah, platform. 940 00:51:34,935 --> 00:51:39,855 ..that is a colonoscopy encouragement piece. 941 00:51:39,857 --> 00:51:41,065 Yeah. 942 00:51:41,066 --> 00:51:43,985 This is a way for me to see some redemption, 943 00:51:43,986 --> 00:51:46,070 to use the skills and the connections 944 00:51:46,071 --> 00:51:48,906 and the people and the tools that I have 945 00:51:48,907 --> 00:51:50,826 to actually save some lives. 946 00:52:03,088 --> 00:52:05,256 We know that you're a loudmouth, 947 00:52:05,257 --> 00:52:07,258 you're a pain in the ass. 948 00:52:07,259 --> 00:52:09,010 We know that you're an idiot. 949 00:52:09,011 --> 00:52:11,721 What's happening to you didn't necessarily have to happen. 950 00:52:11,722 --> 00:52:13,764 And so we want to create a campaign 951 00:52:13,765 --> 00:52:16,058 that encourages others to get a colonoscopy 952 00:52:16,059 --> 00:52:17,602 when they turn 45. 953 00:52:17,603 --> 00:52:18,854 Idea number one. 954 00:52:19,938 --> 00:52:22,440 LAUGHTER All right! 955 00:52:22,441 --> 00:52:24,692 And what we're trying to do is, we're trying to break through 956 00:52:24,693 --> 00:52:28,362 every barrier in the psyche that men and women have. 957 00:52:28,363 --> 00:52:30,865 So we do have a couple of current clients 958 00:52:30,866 --> 00:52:33,284 that we think we could partner with. 959 00:52:33,285 --> 00:52:34,827 So... As a first date?! 960 00:52:34,828 --> 00:52:36,120 As a first date. Yeah. Wow! 961 00:52:36,121 --> 00:52:38,080 OkCupid lets us do outrageous work. 962 00:52:38,081 --> 00:52:39,707 Wow, that would be an amazing first date. 963 00:52:39,708 --> 00:52:41,959 That would be amazing, right? So we've got Cheeky Cherry, 964 00:52:41,960 --> 00:52:45,671 we've got Pamplemousse Caboose, we've got Pineapple Dump Truck. 965 00:52:45,672 --> 00:52:47,340 Yeah. Where is the Booty Juice? 966 00:52:47,341 --> 00:52:49,425 We have it right here. Great question. 967 00:52:49,426 --> 00:52:51,802 Great question. I'm glad you... 968 00:52:51,803 --> 00:52:53,346 I'm glad you... Nice! 969 00:52:53,347 --> 00:52:57,058 970 00:52:57,059 --> 00:53:00,186 971 00:53:00,187 --> 00:53:01,562 Assholes are everywhere. 972 00:53:01,563 --> 00:53:06,108 We had this idea of just doing PSAs... Yep. 973 00:53:06,109 --> 00:53:09,528 ..that are simply colonoscopy reminders. 974 00:53:09,529 --> 00:53:11,072 LAUGHTER 975 00:53:11,073 --> 00:53:13,741 Every one of those is amazing, by the way. 976 00:53:13,742 --> 00:53:15,493 Every one of them is amazing. 977 00:53:15,494 --> 00:53:17,828 The butthole idea, I think, is really good, 978 00:53:17,829 --> 00:53:19,872 and I think it's really funny and I think it fits. 979 00:53:19,873 --> 00:53:22,792 The thing I love about it is the reminder. 980 00:53:22,793 --> 00:53:25,586 Like, suddenly you'll be reminded yourself, 981 00:53:25,587 --> 00:53:28,130 when you see an asshole, to get a colonoscopy. 982 00:53:28,131 --> 00:53:31,385 Right. Or something that looks like an asshole. Yeah. 983 00:53:44,273 --> 00:53:46,692 I'm moving out to go to college. 984 00:53:48,986 --> 00:53:52,571 This is where I grew up and where my family is, 985 00:53:52,572 --> 00:53:55,242 but I don't know if I'll ever live here again. 986 00:53:59,830 --> 00:54:02,748 The fact that he was diagnosed at stage four... 987 00:54:02,749 --> 00:54:04,166 And they are no dummies - 988 00:54:04,167 --> 00:54:07,753 they Googled that beyond what we told them. 989 00:54:07,754 --> 00:54:11,590 But he doesn't want them to see him 990 00:54:11,591 --> 00:54:13,259 sick or weak or scary. 991 00:54:13,260 --> 00:54:14,845 He doesn't want to scare them. 992 00:54:17,514 --> 00:54:20,141 I'm not as honest as I should be with my kids 993 00:54:20,142 --> 00:54:21,851 about how sick I am. 994 00:54:21,852 --> 00:54:24,311 When I'm lying on the couch and I look like I'm dead, 995 00:54:24,313 --> 00:54:27,440 and I'm pale and I haven't got up all day and I don't have a voice, 996 00:54:27,441 --> 00:54:29,942 I say, "What you're seeing is the side-effects 997 00:54:29,943 --> 00:54:32,653 "of the medicine, not the cancer." 998 00:54:32,654 --> 00:54:34,573 But that's not always true. 999 00:54:37,075 --> 00:54:41,120 All right. So I'm not going to hug you, because fuck that. 1000 00:54:41,121 --> 00:54:42,413 Have a great time. 1001 00:54:42,414 --> 00:54:43,664 Do you want me to hug you? No. 1002 00:54:43,665 --> 00:54:44,915 I'm happy to. That's weird. 1003 00:54:44,916 --> 00:54:46,208 Well, I'm just... That's not how we do it. 1004 00:54:46,209 --> 00:54:47,626 I'm not saying that. 1005 00:54:47,627 --> 00:54:49,128 Call me if you need anything at all. 1006 00:54:49,129 --> 00:54:51,255 Text me, don't call me - I won't answer. 1007 00:54:51,256 --> 00:54:52,715 All right? I wish I was going with you. 1008 00:54:52,716 --> 00:54:54,176 Bye. See ya. 1009 00:55:04,561 --> 00:55:07,105 All right. Off they go. 1010 00:55:13,111 --> 00:55:14,361 As you may have noticed, 1011 00:55:14,363 --> 00:55:17,281 my eyelashes are particularly long. 1012 00:55:17,282 --> 00:55:20,910 And it's a side-effect of one of the medications that I'm on, 1013 00:55:20,911 --> 00:55:24,079 but my lashes are sort of horrifying. 1014 00:55:24,081 --> 00:55:25,831 They're sort of monstrous. 1015 00:55:25,832 --> 00:55:28,460 I keep saying I look like fucking Snuffleupagus. 1016 00:55:30,003 --> 00:55:31,170 I do brush them. 1017 00:55:31,171 --> 00:55:33,130 My daughter, Delilah, gave me a spoolie 1018 00:55:33,131 --> 00:55:34,548 and taught me how to use it. 1019 00:55:34,549 --> 00:55:36,258 OK, just open them a little bit more. 1020 00:55:36,259 --> 00:55:38,719 OK, so like this? Yes. 1021 00:55:38,720 --> 00:55:40,888 Tell me your friends aren't all doing this right now 1022 00:55:40,889 --> 00:55:42,515 with their dads? 1023 00:55:42,516 --> 00:55:44,058 Yeah. No, that's good. 1024 00:55:44,059 --> 00:55:45,643 Much... Yeah. Yeah. 1025 00:55:45,644 --> 00:55:48,980 Oh, yeah. LAUGHTER 1026 00:55:50,857 --> 00:55:53,777 Oh, my God, that is, like, to die for. 1027 00:55:55,445 --> 00:55:58,614 Honestly, I love the attention. but it's time to go. Yeah. 1028 00:55:58,615 --> 00:56:00,282 It's just dangerous. I can't drive at night. 1029 00:56:00,283 --> 00:56:01,617 Oh, yeah. I can't do anything. 1030 00:56:01,618 --> 00:56:04,161 No, I get it. Yeah, you're ready. So... 1031 00:56:04,162 --> 00:56:05,497 And I trust you. 1032 00:56:07,874 --> 00:56:09,083 You can see! Yeah, I can see! 1033 00:56:09,084 --> 00:56:11,043 You can see! Oh, my God! 1034 00:56:11,044 --> 00:56:13,796 Doctor, what happened to my life? 1035 00:56:13,797 --> 00:56:15,297 I was a normal man! 1036 00:56:15,298 --> 00:56:18,342 You're still normal. It's just a different stage now. 1037 00:56:18,343 --> 00:56:19,928 You're still normal, I swear. 1038 00:56:23,974 --> 00:56:26,684 My oncologist noticed that the cancer cells 1039 00:56:26,685 --> 00:56:30,479 were no longer susceptible to the chemo 1040 00:56:30,480 --> 00:56:33,190 that had been so successful for the last year. 1041 00:56:33,191 --> 00:56:36,527 And they said they wanted to do some radiation. 1042 00:56:36,528 --> 00:56:39,238 So I met the ass lady at the hospital, 1043 00:56:39,239 --> 00:56:42,324 and she was just so chipper and wonderful 1044 00:56:42,325 --> 00:56:44,034 and great at her job. 1045 00:56:44,035 --> 00:56:46,912 And she said, "In order to do this, 1046 00:56:46,913 --> 00:56:50,416 "I'm going to tape your ass cheeks open 1047 00:56:50,417 --> 00:56:53,627 "and we're going to put a little sticker over your anus 1048 00:56:53,628 --> 00:56:55,212 "so it doesn't get any radiation 1049 00:56:55,213 --> 00:56:57,632 "and you don't get any blisters on your anus." 1050 00:57:01,219 --> 00:57:03,137 And then the next day I had to come back. 1051 00:57:03,138 --> 00:57:07,349 And on the way to the hospital, we passed my voting spot. 1052 00:57:07,350 --> 00:57:08,767 And this was election day. 1053 00:57:08,768 --> 00:57:10,644 Janice just became an American citizen, 1054 00:57:10,645 --> 00:57:12,646 so we went in and we voted together. 1055 00:57:12,647 --> 00:57:15,149 We both got those "I just voted" stickers, 1056 00:57:15,150 --> 00:57:16,901 and I'm holding the sticker in my hand. 1057 00:57:16,902 --> 00:57:18,694 And I had this thought of, 1058 00:57:18,695 --> 00:57:21,989 "Wouldn't it be funny if, when I get to the hospital, 1059 00:57:21,990 --> 00:57:24,283 "I put the sticker over my own anus" - 1060 00:57:24,284 --> 00:57:27,119 as sort of a humble-brag that I voted 1061 00:57:27,120 --> 00:57:30,581 and a nod to the fact that this is an awkward situation. 1062 00:57:30,582 --> 00:57:32,499 And wouldn't it be a funny surprise? 1063 00:57:32,501 --> 00:57:33,626 And then I'm in the room 1064 00:57:33,627 --> 00:57:35,294 and I'm getting in the hospital gown, 1065 00:57:35,295 --> 00:57:36,795 and I have the sticker out. 1066 00:57:36,796 --> 00:57:39,006 And I hesitated at the last minute 1067 00:57:39,007 --> 00:57:43,469 because it just felt like I was sexualising the situation 1068 00:57:43,470 --> 00:57:46,847 in a way that may make the radiologist uncomfortable. 1069 00:57:46,848 --> 00:57:48,849 Five years ago, I wouldn't have hesitated. 1070 00:57:48,850 --> 00:57:50,976 I hesitated. 1071 00:57:50,977 --> 00:57:54,563 And it would have been devastatingly humiliating, 1072 00:57:54,564 --> 00:57:57,816 because the guy who brought me in, who was giving me the MRI, 1073 00:57:57,817 --> 00:58:01,195 was not the same funny, calm, normal nurse 1074 00:58:01,196 --> 00:58:02,446 that I'd had the day before. 1075 00:58:02,447 --> 00:58:04,114 It was this humourless dude 1076 00:58:04,115 --> 00:58:06,951 who just didn't smile once the whole time. 1077 00:58:06,952 --> 00:58:10,329 And I thought, "Thank God I don't have an 'I just voted' sticker 1078 00:58:10,330 --> 00:58:11,998 "on my asshole right now." 1079 00:58:23,969 --> 00:58:26,011 I've done 50-something rounds of chemo. 1080 00:58:26,012 --> 00:58:27,179 I'm pretty good at chemo. 1081 00:58:27,180 --> 00:58:29,348 It makes me tired, it makes me crabby, 1082 00:58:29,349 --> 00:58:31,767 it turns me into an asshole for a couple of days, 1083 00:58:31,768 --> 00:58:32,977 but I can handle it. 1084 00:58:32,978 --> 00:58:34,269 I've learned how to do it. 1085 00:58:34,271 --> 00:58:36,690 I cannot do radiation. 1086 00:58:40,193 --> 00:58:43,195 The side-effects got worse and worse and worse. 1087 00:58:43,196 --> 00:58:45,239 I lost 20lbs. 1088 00:58:45,240 --> 00:58:48,617 I was cramping really badly in my stomach. 1089 00:58:48,618 --> 00:58:52,913 It kept me from sleeping more than half an hour at a time 1090 00:58:52,914 --> 00:58:55,458 for, like, two weeks - which is like torture. 1091 00:58:56,668 --> 00:58:58,003 It was fucking hell. 1092 00:59:00,630 --> 00:59:02,047 This is the first time 1093 00:59:02,048 --> 00:59:06,928 that I've really been in physical, emotional pain. 1094 00:59:14,185 --> 00:59:16,478 I never know what to write to you. 1095 00:59:16,479 --> 00:59:18,355 "Hey, how's it going?" 1096 00:59:18,356 --> 00:59:21,067 Cos I call you, and this is how you answer the phone. 1097 00:59:22,235 --> 00:59:24,611 "Hey, what's up?" Yeah. No matter what. 1098 00:59:24,613 --> 00:59:25,780 No matter what. Yeah. 1099 00:59:26,823 --> 00:59:28,198 Yeah. "Yeah, I'm good. 1100 00:59:28,199 --> 00:59:30,534 "I just got stabbed in the neck and I'm bleeding out of my ass, 1101 00:59:30,535 --> 00:59:31,702 "but what's up?" 1102 00:59:31,703 --> 00:59:33,078 "But it's better than it was 20 minutes ago." 1103 00:59:33,079 --> 00:59:34,747 Make it funny. Yeah. 1104 00:59:34,748 --> 00:59:36,290 I mean... Which is fine, 1105 00:59:36,291 --> 00:59:38,292 but sometimes I do wish you would just be like, "Dude..." 1106 00:59:38,293 --> 00:59:41,920 And I think I liked the text that was so... Miserable. 1107 00:59:41,921 --> 00:59:45,215 I didn't like it, but I was like... It was real, you know? 1108 00:59:45,216 --> 00:59:48,010 I mean, I talk to my shrink about this all the time. 1109 00:59:48,011 --> 00:59:51,013 I don't think anybody's like, "Don't laugh at your situation." 1110 00:59:51,014 --> 00:59:53,640 Yeah. Obviously there's psychological issues 1111 00:59:53,642 --> 00:59:54,850 going on here. Yeah. 1112 00:59:54,851 --> 00:59:57,644 But I'm lucky that I have this vehicle now, 1113 00:59:57,646 --> 00:59:59,188 which is myself. 1114 00:59:59,189 --> 01:00:01,106 I'm not laughing at other people with colon cancer. 1115 01:00:01,107 --> 01:00:03,776 I'm not laughing at other people who go through this. Yeah. 1116 01:00:03,777 --> 01:00:06,779 But for me, it makes it much easier. 1117 01:00:06,780 --> 01:00:08,405 And at some point, 1118 01:00:08,406 --> 01:00:10,991 if I ever get a colostomy bag... Yeah. 1119 01:00:10,992 --> 01:00:12,576 ..you know, there's going to be endless jokes. 1120 01:00:12,577 --> 01:00:14,161 Already written. I'm sure. 1121 01:00:14,162 --> 01:00:16,747 And those are going to be funny jokes... Yeah. 1122 01:00:16,748 --> 01:00:18,540 ..and we're going to have a lot of fun with it 1123 01:00:18,541 --> 01:00:20,918 and it's going to be revolting and disgusting. Yeah. 1124 01:00:20,919 --> 01:00:23,754 And, you know, we're going to do all that stuff. Uh-huh. 1125 01:00:23,755 --> 01:00:25,464 I look forward to that, you know? 1126 01:00:25,465 --> 01:00:30,302 Because I really don't look forward to having to shit in a bag 1127 01:00:30,303 --> 01:00:32,179 that's strapped to my body. Right. 1128 01:00:32,180 --> 01:00:34,473 You know what I mean? So what's the upside? 1129 01:00:34,474 --> 01:00:36,850 Well, now at least we get to tell all these jokes. Yeah. 1130 01:00:36,851 --> 01:00:38,477 And I can take it out in a restaurant 1131 01:00:38,478 --> 01:00:41,772 and play it like a balloon - letting the air out. 1132 01:00:41,773 --> 01:00:43,065 Meeeeee! 1133 01:00:43,066 --> 01:00:45,400 I feel like that might get stinky if you do that. 1134 01:00:45,402 --> 01:00:47,611 Even better, you know? 1135 01:00:47,612 --> 01:00:48,821 But again, going back... 1136 01:00:48,822 --> 01:00:50,489 Is the cancer starting to be less funny? 1137 01:00:50,490 --> 01:00:52,199 Yeah, literally. 1138 01:00:52,200 --> 01:00:53,784 Yes and no. But it shouldn't. 1139 01:00:53,785 --> 01:00:55,327 It should be funnier now. 1140 01:00:55,328 --> 01:00:58,163 The more the cancer fucks me up, the funnier it should be. 1141 01:00:58,164 --> 01:01:00,707 Because it's one thing if you're feeling fine 1142 01:01:00,709 --> 01:01:02,960 and you're cracking jokes at the radiologist. 1143 01:01:02,961 --> 01:01:05,170 It's another thing if you look like death 1144 01:01:05,171 --> 01:01:06,338 and you feel like death 1145 01:01:06,339 --> 01:01:08,590 and you're crapping your pants every 20 minutes 1146 01:01:08,591 --> 01:01:09,925 and you're still making jokes. 1147 01:01:09,926 --> 01:01:12,010 That is victory. 1148 01:01:12,011 --> 01:01:13,930 That is how you beat fucking cancer. 1149 01:01:16,725 --> 01:01:20,769 So what happens if, in a couple of months or years, 1150 01:01:20,770 --> 01:01:24,690 you're in really terminal decline, you can't get out of bed, 1151 01:01:24,691 --> 01:01:26,483 you're in excruciating pain, 1152 01:01:26,484 --> 01:01:29,570 and you realise it's just not fun anymore and you want to end it? 1153 01:01:29,571 --> 01:01:32,156 You know, can I just drink Drano if I want? 1154 01:01:32,157 --> 01:01:35,284 Can I do an assisted suicide, drinking Drano, 1155 01:01:35,285 --> 01:01:37,661 and then instead of donating my body to science, 1156 01:01:37,662 --> 01:01:39,413 I donate it to television? 1157 01:01:39,414 --> 01:01:41,123 Am I allowed to do that? I don't know. 1158 01:01:41,124 --> 01:01:43,292 I'm sorry. "Donate your body to television"? 1159 01:01:43,293 --> 01:01:44,751 Instead of science. 1160 01:01:44,753 --> 01:01:47,713 Everybody's OK if you want to donate your body to science. 1161 01:01:47,714 --> 01:01:49,548 But if you want to donate your body to television, 1162 01:01:49,549 --> 01:01:51,216 people get all squirrelly about that. 1163 01:01:51,217 --> 01:01:52,759 How do you donate your body to television? 1164 01:01:52,761 --> 01:01:55,262 I don't know. It's what I'm looking into now. 1165 01:01:55,263 --> 01:01:57,181 Maybe they need a corpse for something. 1166 01:01:57,182 --> 01:01:59,975 So you're saying if you want to die, officially, 1167 01:01:59,976 --> 01:02:02,060 along the prescribed legal way... 1168 01:02:02,061 --> 01:02:03,687 But you want control over your death. 1169 01:02:03,688 --> 01:02:06,106 ..you have to donate your body to science, 1170 01:02:06,107 --> 01:02:08,150 or it's expected that you will? I think it's expected. 1171 01:02:08,151 --> 01:02:11,778 Like, I think it's OK to say, "I want to be an organ donor" 1172 01:02:11,780 --> 01:02:14,865 or, "I want to donate my body to science". 1173 01:02:14,866 --> 01:02:16,491 You know? Nobody bats an eye at that. Right. 1174 01:02:16,493 --> 01:02:19,036 That's legal. So, once again, for Andre, 1175 01:02:19,037 --> 01:02:20,829 you're going to do things your way. Well... 1176 01:02:20,830 --> 01:02:22,164 So, if you're going to donate your body... 1177 01:02:22,165 --> 01:02:24,208 Doesn't science have enough bodies? 1178 01:02:24,209 --> 01:02:27,794 Look, I'm not suggesting that you get conventionally buried 1179 01:02:27,796 --> 01:02:29,630 in a Christian cemetery. 1180 01:02:29,631 --> 01:02:31,673 Right? I'm not suggesting that. 1181 01:02:31,674 --> 01:02:32,841 I haven't decided yet. 1182 01:02:32,842 --> 01:02:35,886 When do you think you'll start making some of these decisions? 1183 01:02:35,887 --> 01:02:38,180 I don't know. I gotta work on it. 1184 01:02:38,181 --> 01:02:40,182 Standard burial I'm not for at all. 1185 01:02:40,183 --> 01:02:41,683 I don't give a shit. 1186 01:02:41,684 --> 01:02:43,393 I'm not against cremation, 1187 01:02:43,394 --> 01:02:46,480 but if we're going to do cremation, I would rather have a funeral pyre, 1188 01:02:46,481 --> 01:02:47,940 like, out in a field somewhere 1189 01:02:47,941 --> 01:02:50,235 where you just throw me on the fire and burn me. 1190 01:02:51,820 --> 01:02:54,446 They've sent people's ashes into space. 1191 01:02:54,447 --> 01:02:55,906 I like that. 1192 01:02:55,907 --> 01:02:58,784 I would rather have my whole body sent into space, though. 1193 01:02:58,785 --> 01:03:00,244 I know that would be expensive 1194 01:03:00,245 --> 01:03:02,247 because I would weigh a lot more. 1195 01:03:03,706 --> 01:03:07,751 But if there was a way to just drift around for 50,000 years, 1196 01:03:07,752 --> 01:03:09,838 a million years, that would be amazing. 1197 01:03:11,923 --> 01:03:14,633 When I talk about life and death issues with you - 1198 01:03:14,634 --> 01:03:18,011 not just now, but all your life and my life - 1199 01:03:18,012 --> 01:03:22,057 we often flit back and forth from the absurd to the real. 1200 01:03:22,058 --> 01:03:24,810 But now it's like the shit is hitting the fence. 1201 01:03:24,811 --> 01:03:26,520 It's real. This is real. The rubber hit the road. 1202 01:03:26,521 --> 01:03:27,729 This is real. This is real. 1203 01:03:27,730 --> 01:03:31,733 Andre had trepidation asking me about being on camera. 1204 01:03:31,734 --> 01:03:34,695 I mean, I'm happy to do it - but I'm private. 1205 01:03:34,696 --> 01:03:36,114 Nothing like my father. 1206 01:03:38,449 --> 01:03:40,075 My father is one of the most 1207 01:03:40,076 --> 01:03:42,494 intensely private people in the world. 1208 01:03:42,495 --> 01:03:46,331 The thought of going on camera and discussing his illness, 1209 01:03:46,332 --> 01:03:48,208 his weakness, he would never do. 1210 01:03:48,209 --> 01:03:50,919 And I respect that, and I understand who he is 1211 01:03:50,920 --> 01:03:52,587 and why he wouldn't do that. 1212 01:03:52,589 --> 01:03:58,177 This kind of crazy, vulnerable, dark humour... 1213 01:03:59,304 --> 01:04:05,100 ..everything-out-there project is utterly opposite 1214 01:04:05,101 --> 01:04:06,268 who he is as a person. 1215 01:04:06,269 --> 01:04:11,606 Being on a movie that he doesn't control is just shocking to him. 1216 01:04:11,608 --> 01:04:13,317 It's just unthinkable. 1217 01:04:13,318 --> 01:04:16,820 Andre, I think, knows not to directly ask him. 1218 01:04:16,821 --> 01:04:19,406 When Andre directly asked him, 1219 01:04:19,407 --> 01:04:22,326 "Would you be willing to be in the movie?" 1220 01:04:22,327 --> 01:04:24,287 Larry said, "I'd rather do chemo." 1221 01:04:46,809 --> 01:04:52,606 So the solution was to clearly get Tommy Chong to play his father. 1222 01:04:52,607 --> 01:04:55,150 Because he looks exactly like him, 1223 01:04:55,151 --> 01:04:57,737 and he couldn't be more opposite a kind of person. 1224 01:05:08,915 --> 01:05:10,916 Is being vulnerable weak? 1225 01:05:10,917 --> 01:05:13,919 No, no, it's actually strong. 1226 01:05:13,920 --> 01:05:16,505 Strength, yeah. 1227 01:05:16,506 --> 01:05:19,007 Vulnerable means being real. 1228 01:05:19,008 --> 01:05:21,676 See, had you been my father, 1229 01:05:21,678 --> 01:05:23,470 this would be a very different conversation. 1230 01:05:23,471 --> 01:05:26,474 Because so much of this I had to find on my own. 1231 01:05:27,725 --> 01:05:33,146 I think Andre really appreciates what his father gave him. 1232 01:05:33,147 --> 01:05:35,733 But, yeah, it was definitely Opposite Dad Day. 1233 01:06:05,013 --> 01:06:08,306 I'll take any kind of problem and turn it into a joke. 1234 01:06:08,307 --> 01:06:11,268 Yeah. I mean, that's a life philosophy. 1235 01:06:11,269 --> 01:06:13,603 The fucking Buddha should've said that. 1236 01:06:13,604 --> 01:06:16,273 He probably did. He probably did. 1237 01:06:16,274 --> 01:06:19,234 He probably got it from somewhere. 1238 01:06:19,235 --> 01:06:22,571 But, yeah. That's a whole... 1239 01:06:22,572 --> 01:06:24,823 That's a philosophy. 1240 01:06:24,824 --> 01:06:26,116 I've done it all my life. 1241 01:06:26,117 --> 01:06:27,325 And if I can laugh at it 1242 01:06:27,326 --> 01:06:28,994 and I can get other people to laugh at it, 1243 01:06:28,995 --> 01:06:30,455 how bad could it fucking be? 1244 01:06:35,793 --> 01:06:39,671 I hate to infantilise Andre, 1245 01:06:39,672 --> 01:06:44,384 but caregiving is a lot like having 1246 01:06:44,385 --> 01:06:46,720 the responsibilities of having a toddler again. 1247 01:06:46,721 --> 01:06:47,929 He's not a toddler. 1248 01:06:47,930 --> 01:06:50,599 He'd kill me if I was comparing him to a toddler. 1249 01:06:50,600 --> 01:06:52,517 But, you know, making a lot of snacks, 1250 01:06:52,518 --> 01:06:55,687 trying to get somebody to eat, the occasional tantrum. 1251 01:06:55,688 --> 01:06:57,981 You know, it's not tumbling and playdates - 1252 01:06:57,982 --> 01:06:59,566 it's hospital and hospital. 1253 01:06:59,567 --> 01:07:01,943 Hi, I was hoping you might have a minute to help me schedule 1254 01:07:01,944 --> 01:07:05,030 a paracentesis appointment for my husband. 1255 01:07:05,031 --> 01:07:07,157 Yeah, sure. Is he a regular already? 1256 01:07:07,158 --> 01:07:08,617 Yeah, he's a regular already. 1257 01:07:08,618 --> 01:07:10,285 Yes. Poor Andre. 1258 01:07:10,286 --> 01:07:12,329 It gives me a lot of satisfaction 1259 01:07:12,330 --> 01:07:14,289 to know that I'm helping. 1260 01:07:14,290 --> 01:07:16,458 I loved that with my kids. 1261 01:07:16,459 --> 01:07:18,044 That's where I shine. 1262 01:07:23,216 --> 01:07:26,968 I'm picking up three prescriptions for Andre Ricciardi. 1263 01:07:26,969 --> 01:07:28,845 You said Andre? Andre, yeah. 1264 01:07:28,846 --> 01:07:30,514 I have, like, six. Six? 1265 01:07:30,515 --> 01:07:34,100 Oh, isn't he lucky? I guess I'll take 'em all, thanks. 1266 01:07:34,102 --> 01:07:36,770 So this one, this one and this one go together? Yep. 1267 01:07:36,771 --> 01:07:38,647 OK. So the one that's a two in quantity 1268 01:07:38,648 --> 01:07:39,898 goes with the kit? 1269 01:07:39,899 --> 01:07:41,983 That's correct, yeah. OK. 1270 01:07:41,984 --> 01:07:43,568 Thank you so much. Thanks for spending 1271 01:07:43,569 --> 01:07:45,279 half your day with me. Yeah. Bye. 1272 01:07:53,454 --> 01:07:56,039 Just last night, he was lying there, 1273 01:07:56,040 --> 01:07:58,124 and I was bringing him a peach or something. 1274 01:07:58,126 --> 01:08:02,712 And he said, "You know, I'd be dead by now if it weren't for you." 1275 01:08:02,713 --> 01:08:04,422 I was sort of, "Oh, pshaw," you know? 1276 01:08:04,423 --> 01:08:06,174 Like, "There's no reason you'd be dead. 1277 01:08:06,175 --> 01:08:08,051 "You just wouldn't... Your fridge wouldn't be as full 1278 01:08:08,052 --> 01:08:09,928 "and you wouldn't get rides everywhere." 1279 01:08:09,929 --> 01:08:11,513 And he said, 1280 01:08:11,514 --> 01:08:14,849 "No, you just take such good care of me 1281 01:08:14,851 --> 01:08:18,144 "and I don't know what I'd do without you. 1282 01:08:18,146 --> 01:08:20,564 "And you make me really happy." 1283 01:08:20,565 --> 01:08:22,150 And that was a big one. 1284 01:08:23,484 --> 01:08:25,986 I've been lying on that couch for weeks, 1285 01:08:25,987 --> 01:08:29,197 and Janice has been doing fucking everything 1286 01:08:29,198 --> 01:08:32,033 and driving me and doing all that stuff. 1287 01:08:32,034 --> 01:08:36,204 And I think Janice's experience is very different than mine 1288 01:08:36,205 --> 01:08:37,622 of what's going on. Mm. 1289 01:08:37,623 --> 01:08:39,457 You know, in a lot of ways 1290 01:08:39,458 --> 01:08:41,835 it's much easier to be the patient than the caretaker. 1291 01:08:41,836 --> 01:08:43,628 I doubt that! 1292 01:08:43,629 --> 01:08:47,549 Mm, I don't know. I don't know. I'm just making snacks. 1293 01:08:47,550 --> 01:08:49,384 It's more than making snacks. 1294 01:08:49,385 --> 01:08:52,304 And I think you take the burden - 1295 01:08:52,305 --> 01:08:57,517 so much of the burden and the pain that I'm in - 1296 01:08:57,518 --> 01:08:58,935 on yourself. 1297 01:08:58,936 --> 01:09:00,478 Mm. 1298 01:09:00,479 --> 01:09:03,398 Which, you know, 1299 01:09:03,399 --> 01:09:05,067 isn't easy. 1300 01:09:06,194 --> 01:09:07,694 Yeah. Anyway... 1301 01:09:07,695 --> 01:09:10,989 He is much more vulnerable now, 1302 01:09:10,990 --> 01:09:15,076 which is not something he would've ever wanted. 1303 01:09:15,077 --> 01:09:17,912 But he's sort of willingly vulnerable, 1304 01:09:17,914 --> 01:09:19,874 which is super surprising. 1305 01:09:24,462 --> 01:09:29,049 I feel like the character in a cheesy '90s movie 1306 01:09:29,050 --> 01:09:30,592 who's overworked and stressed 1307 01:09:30,593 --> 01:09:33,803 and then has some traumatic brain injury or gets cancer 1308 01:09:33,804 --> 01:09:36,389 and becomes a complete human being. 1309 01:09:36,390 --> 01:09:39,059 You know, finally fall in love with his wife 1310 01:09:39,060 --> 01:09:42,480 or finally realised that everything he needed, he already had. 1311 01:10:27,733 --> 01:10:30,902 And it's the kind of movie that I despise. 1312 01:10:30,903 --> 01:10:33,738 And yet I'm experiencing that. 1313 01:10:33,739 --> 01:10:35,073 OK, we can do this. 1314 01:10:35,074 --> 01:10:37,158 Goodish news. Goodish news. 1315 01:10:37,159 --> 01:10:40,453 We'll just put a big fake face on, 1316 01:10:40,454 --> 01:10:42,372 we'll tell lots of jokes. 1317 01:10:42,373 --> 01:10:43,833 And who gives a fuck? 1318 01:10:45,293 --> 01:10:47,460 That's the attitude. 1319 01:10:47,461 --> 01:10:48,921 It is. 1320 01:10:54,760 --> 01:10:56,010 You know, I like to think, 1321 01:10:56,012 --> 01:10:58,888 "Well, this is just these current rotten symptoms doing something, 1322 01:10:58,889 --> 01:11:00,098 "and we'll solve that. 1323 01:11:00,099 --> 01:11:02,851 "And then he'll get back to sort of normal. 1324 01:11:02,852 --> 01:11:04,269 "Normal cancer." 1325 01:11:04,270 --> 01:11:07,397 Normal cancer was easy in retrospect, 1326 01:11:07,398 --> 01:11:10,651 but this shit's scary. 1327 01:11:17,575 --> 01:11:19,035 OK. You all right? 1328 01:11:20,536 --> 01:11:21,912 Yeah. 1329 01:11:22,955 --> 01:11:25,791 I mean, that was... that was pretty bleak, but... 1330 01:11:28,669 --> 01:11:30,004 ..but... 1331 01:11:31,380 --> 01:11:33,298 Clinical trials means... 1332 01:11:33,299 --> 01:11:35,967 I know. But, Janice, I'm dying. 1333 01:11:35,968 --> 01:11:40,138 Like, the reality of the situation is I'm dying. 1334 01:11:40,139 --> 01:11:43,516 And we have to face that, you know? 1335 01:11:43,517 --> 01:11:46,394 No, thank you. What's that? 1336 01:11:46,395 --> 01:11:47,688 No, thank you. 1337 01:11:52,234 --> 01:11:54,152 We're OK, Janice. We're going to be OK. 1338 01:11:54,153 --> 01:11:55,904 Yep. We got time still. 1339 01:11:55,905 --> 01:11:57,739 Yep. 1340 01:11:57,740 --> 01:11:59,616 Yes, please. 1341 01:11:59,617 --> 01:12:02,453 We still got time. Yes, please. 1342 01:12:03,954 --> 01:12:05,997 Well, good job. 1343 01:12:05,998 --> 01:12:08,167 All righty. I'll see you in a bit. OK. 1344 01:12:13,089 --> 01:12:15,216 ANDRE SIGHS 1345 01:12:16,342 --> 01:12:18,635 The other day, he was sitting on the couch 1346 01:12:18,636 --> 01:12:21,429 and he just had his head in his hand 1347 01:12:21,430 --> 01:12:23,765 and he just said, 1348 01:12:23,766 --> 01:12:26,935 "I don't want to do this anymore." 1349 01:12:26,936 --> 01:12:29,896 And I started saying, you know, 1350 01:12:29,897 --> 01:12:31,439 "Come on." Like, "One more day. 1351 01:12:31,440 --> 01:12:34,235 "Let's just keep putting one foot in front of the other. 1352 01:12:35,403 --> 01:12:37,695 "You can do this." 1353 01:12:37,696 --> 01:12:39,155 And then he looked up at me, 1354 01:12:39,156 --> 01:12:41,032 and in his other hand he had his phone. 1355 01:12:41,033 --> 01:12:43,494 And he said, "No, I'm talking about the Wordle." 1356 01:12:45,162 --> 01:12:46,955 We found this doctor in Italy 1357 01:12:46,956 --> 01:12:50,333 who claims that he is absolutely ready 1358 01:12:50,334 --> 01:12:54,171 to perform a head transplant from one human to another. 1359 01:12:56,006 --> 01:12:58,758 They warned us that his work is very controversial. 1360 01:12:58,759 --> 01:13:00,593 My feeling is, "Look, if you're going to put my head 1361 01:13:00,594 --> 01:13:01,845 "on another body, 1362 01:13:01,846 --> 01:13:04,389 "don't put it on, like, a 30-year-old's body. 1363 01:13:04,390 --> 01:13:06,599 "Put it on a ten-year-old's body 1364 01:13:06,600 --> 01:13:11,187 "so that I get those extra 20 years to live and to enjoy myself." 1365 01:13:11,188 --> 01:13:14,983 And I really wanted to go to Italy and meet this guy 1366 01:13:14,984 --> 01:13:18,361 and at least have a consultation with him. 1367 01:13:18,362 --> 01:13:21,072 But I'm too sick to go to Italy right now. 1368 01:13:21,073 --> 01:13:23,408 And what that made me realise 1369 01:13:23,409 --> 01:13:28,705 was time is passing and I'm getting sicker and sicker. 1370 01:13:28,706 --> 01:13:31,291 And if there's anything I need to do, 1371 01:13:31,292 --> 01:13:33,126 I need to do it immediately. 1372 01:13:33,127 --> 01:13:37,547 And that's a scary revelation, you know? 1373 01:13:37,548 --> 01:13:39,215 Much rather be getting my head transplanted 1374 01:13:39,216 --> 01:13:40,551 on a boy's body. 1375 01:13:47,725 --> 01:13:51,102 One of the reasons my recent health problems 1376 01:13:51,103 --> 01:13:55,273 have been so disconcerting to Janice 1377 01:13:55,274 --> 01:13:57,650 is the physical manifestation of my illness, 1378 01:13:57,651 --> 01:14:00,612 which is my belly keeps swelling with this fluid 1379 01:14:00,613 --> 01:14:02,906 because my liver's starting to fail. 1380 01:14:02,907 --> 01:14:05,700 If there wasn't that physical representation of it 1381 01:14:05,701 --> 01:14:07,493 that's constantly there to remind her, 1382 01:14:07,495 --> 01:14:08,620 then it's my behaviour. 1383 01:14:08,621 --> 01:14:11,331 And I'm pretty good at putting on a happy face 1384 01:14:11,332 --> 01:14:13,499 and doing the best I can do. 1385 01:14:13,501 --> 01:14:16,210 The issue is 1386 01:14:16,212 --> 01:14:18,130 it's harder to lie about it now. 1387 01:14:19,757 --> 01:14:22,175 Hello, Peter. Andre. 1388 01:14:22,176 --> 01:14:24,886 Are you surprised to hear my voice? 1389 01:14:24,887 --> 01:14:27,305 I'm delighted to hear your voice. LAUGHTER 1390 01:14:27,306 --> 01:14:29,974 Oh, my God, where the fuck have you been? 1391 01:14:29,975 --> 01:14:33,853 No, I'm kidding. I've been trying to be available to you! 1392 01:14:33,854 --> 01:14:35,480 I know, I know, I know. 1393 01:14:35,481 --> 01:14:36,981 I'm absolutely joking. 1394 01:14:36,982 --> 01:14:39,317 It's been fucking tough, Peter. 1395 01:14:39,318 --> 01:14:44,280 Like, we've entered that next phase of cancer. Yeah. 1396 01:14:44,281 --> 01:14:49,744 And I met with a nurse who was just absolutely spectacular. 1397 01:14:49,745 --> 01:14:51,120 Like, the ass doctor. 1398 01:14:51,121 --> 01:14:54,707 And she told me I need to relax my second sphincter 1399 01:14:54,708 --> 01:14:56,501 because that's really tight 1400 01:14:56,502 --> 01:14:58,878 and that's where a lot of the blood's coming from. 1401 01:14:58,879 --> 01:15:00,505 So... So I'm trying to do that. Uh-huh. 1402 01:15:00,506 --> 01:15:02,006 I mean, you know...! 1403 01:15:02,007 --> 01:15:07,220 And what the last month and a half has been like is... 1404 01:15:07,221 --> 01:15:09,305 You know, when the girls have been here, 1405 01:15:09,306 --> 01:15:11,391 the girls sitting at the counter, eating dinner, 1406 01:15:11,392 --> 01:15:12,642 hanging out with their mother, 1407 01:15:12,643 --> 01:15:14,519 and I'm on the couch making jokes. 1408 01:15:14,520 --> 01:15:15,603 You know what I mean? 1409 01:15:15,604 --> 01:15:17,939 Trying to participate the way I used to. 1410 01:15:17,940 --> 01:15:22,694 But it's obvious that I'm not able to do what I used to do. 1411 01:15:22,695 --> 01:15:23,903 You know what I mean? 1412 01:15:23,904 --> 01:15:25,571 I'm not fooling anybody. 1413 01:15:25,573 --> 01:15:29,118 But I still feel that need to act that way. 1414 01:15:30,160 --> 01:15:33,413 When I can no longer make Tallula laugh, 1415 01:15:33,414 --> 01:15:36,082 then I feel like I've crossed over a line 1416 01:15:36,083 --> 01:15:38,292 and there's really no purpose for me to be here. 1417 01:15:38,294 --> 01:15:40,211 I don't know what I feel about that. 1418 01:15:40,212 --> 01:15:41,629 On the one hand, I get it. 1419 01:15:41,630 --> 01:15:43,007 You know? It is... 1420 01:15:44,508 --> 01:15:46,426 If you can't make Tallula laugh, 1421 01:15:46,427 --> 01:15:50,763 you're not Andre anymore in some ways. Right. 1422 01:15:50,764 --> 01:15:56,436 But I think you still feel you need to be able to make me laugh. 1423 01:15:56,437 --> 01:15:57,895 Yeah. 1424 01:15:57,896 --> 01:16:01,442 And I think you are more than... 1425 01:16:02,610 --> 01:16:05,070 ..your irreverent humour. 1426 01:16:06,155 --> 01:16:09,991 So I think part of the process for you 1427 01:16:09,992 --> 01:16:11,535 is relaxing. 1428 01:16:12,786 --> 01:16:14,996 You mean my second sphincter? 1429 01:16:14,997 --> 01:16:17,373 Yes. Yes. 1430 01:16:17,374 --> 01:16:18,499 No, no, I'm sorry. 1431 01:16:18,500 --> 01:16:21,252 I don't mean to make a joke when you're telling me 1432 01:16:21,253 --> 01:16:23,629 not to fucking make jokes. LAUGHTER 1433 01:16:23,631 --> 01:16:25,006 I get it. 1434 01:16:25,007 --> 01:16:26,466 Yeah, I think you're right. 1435 01:16:26,467 --> 01:16:31,179 I think it's time to really be honest about the severity 1436 01:16:31,180 --> 01:16:32,556 of what's going on. 1437 01:16:33,766 --> 01:16:36,059 And I'm trying to write this little piece 1438 01:16:36,060 --> 01:16:37,935 for the end of the film 1439 01:16:37,936 --> 01:16:43,691 that sort of sums up where I am and what's going... 1440 01:16:43,692 --> 01:16:46,110 You know, whatever. I don't know what it's going to be. 1441 01:16:46,111 --> 01:16:48,362 And it's fascinating. 1442 01:16:48,364 --> 01:16:51,491 It's so weird to sit down and start writing, 1443 01:16:51,492 --> 01:16:54,911 you know, whatever that message is - 1444 01:16:54,912 --> 01:16:57,455 that final transmission. 1445 01:16:57,456 --> 01:16:59,832 Mm-hm. 1446 01:16:59,833 --> 01:17:03,295 But it's also forcing me to think about a lot of this stuff. 1447 01:17:05,297 --> 01:17:09,217 I just... It's so hard to see pain in the faces 1448 01:17:09,218 --> 01:17:12,136 of the people that I love, you know what I mean? It just... 1449 01:17:12,137 --> 01:17:17,558 It's so difficult for me to not feel like... 1450 01:17:17,559 --> 01:17:19,227 It's not even letting people down. 1451 01:17:19,228 --> 01:17:21,270 It's that I just don't want them to hurt. 1452 01:17:21,271 --> 01:17:22,772 And I know they have to. 1453 01:17:22,773 --> 01:17:24,482 And I know they're going to. 1454 01:17:24,483 --> 01:17:29,028 I understand that. But that doesn't mean they have to today. 1455 01:17:29,029 --> 01:17:30,154 You know? 1456 01:17:30,155 --> 01:17:33,491 And... Well... But... 1457 01:17:33,492 --> 01:17:35,285 I actually think... 1458 01:17:36,537 --> 01:17:39,456 ..one of the gifts you offer your daughters... 1459 01:17:40,416 --> 01:17:43,376 ..is the chance to grieve a father, 1460 01:17:43,377 --> 01:17:46,879 that that is not a destructive thing to do. 1461 01:17:46,880 --> 01:17:51,677 If it goes well, that is a powerful and deepening process. 1462 01:17:54,388 --> 01:17:55,723 I don't know. 1463 01:17:57,516 --> 01:17:59,934 It's sad, isn't it? 1464 01:17:59,935 --> 01:18:03,146 Be generous and let them feel sad. 1465 01:18:03,147 --> 01:18:04,648 Yes, that's true. 1466 01:18:06,316 --> 01:18:09,485 That's the line. That's the takeaway from this. 1467 01:18:09,486 --> 01:18:13,531 "Be generous and let them be sad." 1468 01:18:13,532 --> 01:18:14,782 Yes. 1469 01:18:14,783 --> 01:18:17,201 That's hard. That's really hard. 1470 01:18:17,202 --> 01:18:19,163 I know it is hard for you. 1471 01:18:29,506 --> 01:18:33,134 1472 01:18:33,135 --> 01:18:36,179 1473 01:18:36,180 --> 01:18:37,972 1474 01:18:37,973 --> 01:18:43,395 to help me out with that 1475 01:18:47,483 --> 01:18:52,613 1476 01:18:54,865 --> 01:19:00,204 that I'm never coming back 1477 01:19:02,873 --> 01:19:06,043 1478 01:19:09,505 --> 01:19:12,508 1479 01:19:22,351 --> 01:19:24,185 Ow! 1480 01:19:24,186 --> 01:19:26,229 How do old people do this? 1481 01:19:26,230 --> 01:19:27,647 Isn't there an app for this? 1482 01:19:27,648 --> 01:19:29,191 Can't I do this on my iPhone? 1483 01:19:30,317 --> 01:19:34,153 There are a couple of these pills that I don't take every day. 1484 01:19:34,154 --> 01:19:35,905 Just because, you know, fuck it. 1485 01:19:35,906 --> 01:19:39,200 Right? Like, rules are for rule followers. 1486 01:19:39,201 --> 01:19:40,409 I just don't want to take 'em. 1487 01:19:40,410 --> 01:19:42,078 I don't know, it just doesn't feel right. 1488 01:19:42,079 --> 01:19:45,915 Like, taking two of those giant potassium pills every day 1489 01:19:45,916 --> 01:19:47,041 seems like too much. 1490 01:19:47,042 --> 01:19:48,376 Do I need that much potassium? 1491 01:19:48,377 --> 01:19:50,337 Does anybody need that much potassium? 1492 01:19:51,755 --> 01:19:53,382 Do that one all by itself! 1493 01:20:00,138 --> 01:20:01,973 Kind of hoping I was going to choke. 1494 01:20:01,974 --> 01:20:04,141 Looks like Vicodin but is not Vicodin, 1495 01:20:04,142 --> 01:20:06,143 and what a fucking letdown that was. 1496 01:20:06,144 --> 01:20:08,562 I usually have, as part of my medication, 1497 01:20:08,564 --> 01:20:10,274 a 7am bong hit as well. 1498 01:20:14,403 --> 01:20:15,737 Much better. 1499 01:20:35,048 --> 01:20:36,549 Stelio, would you like a bong hit? 1500 01:20:36,550 --> 01:20:37,925 No, no. Are you sure? 1501 01:20:37,926 --> 01:20:39,468 Yeah. 1502 01:20:39,469 --> 01:20:40,886 I mean, honestly, at this point, 1503 01:20:40,888 --> 01:20:45,850 if Andre were to get all earnest and heartfelt 1504 01:20:45,851 --> 01:20:50,771 and serious about his cancer 1505 01:20:50,772 --> 01:20:53,191 and about dying all the time... 1506 01:20:54,443 --> 01:20:56,777 ..none of us would know how to deal with him. 1507 01:20:56,778 --> 01:20:58,447 You know? It's not him. 1508 01:21:03,410 --> 01:21:06,245 Hey, T, can you look in that cabinet 1509 01:21:06,246 --> 01:21:08,415 and see if there's any Skittles? 1510 01:21:18,634 --> 01:21:21,427 I got these holes in my hand 1511 01:21:21,428 --> 01:21:24,680 and, er, I've been trying to find the best hole 1512 01:21:24,681 --> 01:21:26,515 to hide Skittles in. 1513 01:21:26,516 --> 01:21:28,851 Jesus Christ! I think it's this one. 1514 01:21:28,852 --> 01:21:30,979 I think I'll do better there. 1515 01:21:36,151 --> 01:21:38,111 TALLULA LAUGHS That's good. 1516 01:21:41,239 --> 01:21:43,700 I just want to make people laugh. 1517 01:21:45,786 --> 01:21:51,291 You know? I just want to make people feel good when things are bad. 1518 01:21:54,127 --> 01:21:56,670 Do your new classes start today? 1519 01:21:56,672 --> 01:21:58,381 Tomorrow? No. 1520 01:21:58,382 --> 01:22:00,007 When do they start? 1521 01:22:00,008 --> 01:22:01,510 I haven't chosen it yet. 1522 01:22:02,511 --> 01:22:04,845 But I'm just going to take one. 1523 01:22:04,846 --> 01:22:07,640 Just one, so you can come home and see me 1524 01:22:07,641 --> 01:22:09,559 and the holes in my hand? Yeah. 1525 01:22:15,816 --> 01:22:19,693 Thank you. I appreciate that you're reducing your schedule 1526 01:22:19,695 --> 01:22:21,529 to spend time with me. 1527 01:22:21,530 --> 01:22:23,531 It's very sweet of you. TALLULA LAUGHS 1528 01:22:23,532 --> 01:22:24,908 It is. 1529 01:22:28,829 --> 01:22:30,371 I'll see you later. Goodbye. I love you. 1530 01:22:30,372 --> 01:22:31,832 Bye. I love you, too. 1531 01:22:39,172 --> 01:22:41,091 I haven't figured out the right way... 1532 01:22:43,260 --> 01:22:48,140 ..to be a calming force with this new prognosis. 1533 01:22:49,766 --> 01:22:51,643 I don't know how to... 1534 01:23:01,319 --> 01:23:03,155 I guess I've just... 1535 01:23:05,991 --> 01:23:09,161 ..had all this sort of anticipatory grief. 1536 01:23:10,662 --> 01:23:12,748 And now it's... 1537 01:23:14,750 --> 01:23:16,293 ..really happening. 1538 01:23:19,379 --> 01:23:21,672 And my, you know, 1539 01:23:21,673 --> 01:23:24,885 cheerleader-hopeful-denial stuff is no longer appropriate. 1540 01:23:27,846 --> 01:23:31,016 And, you know, telling someone it's going to be OK... 1541 01:23:33,060 --> 01:23:37,147 ..is sort of the natural way you want to comfort someone. 1542 01:23:38,732 --> 01:23:39,983 But it's not. 1543 01:23:42,319 --> 01:23:43,653 So... 1544 01:23:45,072 --> 01:23:46,531 So, what do you say? 1545 01:24:15,685 --> 01:24:17,270 I sat with fear today. 1546 01:24:18,313 --> 01:24:20,941 I didn't run from it or try to defeat it. 1547 01:24:22,484 --> 01:24:24,652 Instead, I greeted it like a friend 1548 01:24:24,653 --> 01:24:27,197 and I let it wash over me again and again... 1549 01:24:29,324 --> 01:24:30,742 ..terrifying me. 1550 01:24:32,577 --> 01:24:33,912 But it was OK. 1551 01:24:35,288 --> 01:24:38,667 My fear is insignificant compared to the love all around me. 1552 01:24:42,629 --> 01:24:45,089 I wept for the first time in years. 1553 01:24:45,090 --> 01:24:46,424 It was remarkable. 1554 01:24:48,885 --> 01:24:52,139 I thought I needed suffering, but instead I got bliss. 1555 01:24:53,765 --> 01:24:55,975 My heart has never been more open, 1556 01:24:55,976 --> 01:24:57,851 and my fear of death, 1557 01:24:57,853 --> 01:25:00,229 also tapping at my window, 1558 01:25:00,230 --> 01:25:04,067 feels a bit more familiar and a little less powerful. 1559 01:25:13,034 --> 01:25:15,954 So long, suckers! 1560 01:25:31,011 --> 01:25:33,470 1561 01:25:33,471 --> 01:25:37,016 1562 01:25:37,017 --> 01:25:39,435 1563 01:25:39,436 --> 01:25:41,854 1564 01:25:41,855 --> 01:25:44,857 1565 01:25:44,858 --> 01:25:48,902 in your mind 1566 01:25:48,904 --> 01:25:54,366 1567 01:25:54,367 --> 01:25:59,998 1568 01:26:05,629 --> 01:26:07,672 1569 01:26:09,799 --> 01:26:13,178 1570 01:26:16,973 --> 01:26:19,184 1571 01:26:21,311 --> 01:26:23,980 1572 01:26:45,252 --> 01:26:47,920 1573 01:26:47,921 --> 01:26:51,298 1574 01:26:51,299 --> 01:26:53,550 1575 01:26:53,551 --> 01:26:56,470 1576 01:26:56,471 --> 01:26:59,390 1577 01:26:59,391 --> 01:27:03,603 in your mind.