1 00:02:19,625 --> 00:02:22,749 - Come on, man, hurry, hurry! 2 00:02:27,958 --> 00:02:28,833 No, no! 3 00:02:28,834 --> 00:02:31,082 Phone London, quick! 4 00:02:31,083 --> 00:02:32,416 - Yes. 5 00:03:55,042 --> 00:03:57,249 Put down your weapons! 6 00:03:57,250 --> 00:03:59,082 - Come on. - Up with your hands. 7 00:03:59,083 --> 00:04:01,957 - Throw your weapons down! - English pig! 8 00:04:02,793 --> 00:04:04,666 - Main stories this Wednesday evening. 9 00:04:04,667 --> 00:04:06,166 Hugo burlap is buried. 10 00:04:06,167 --> 00:04:09,166 The world mourns a great international statesman. 11 00:04:09,167 --> 00:04:10,791 And trouble brewing in the Caribbean. 12 00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:14,124 Maguadoran troops seize British Santa Maya. 13 00:04:14,125 --> 00:04:16,874 Three days after it happened, Americans are stunned 14 00:04:16,875 --> 00:04:18,416 by the tragic death of the man 15 00:04:18,417 --> 00:04:21,416 who was our best-loved president of this century. 16 00:04:21,417 --> 00:04:24,957 78 year old Hugo burlap died peacefully at the white house 17 00:04:24,958 --> 00:04:27,582 on Sunday, after challenging a reporter 18 00:04:27,583 --> 00:04:29,832 to slug him in the stomach with a crowbar 19 00:04:29,833 --> 00:04:32,874 as proof of his physical fitness. 20 00:04:32,875 --> 00:04:36,457 Vice-president Barbara Adams was sworn in at noon yesterday 21 00:04:36,458 --> 00:04:38,957 to the job she thought she would never hold, 22 00:04:38,958 --> 00:04:42,291 that of the most powerful leader in the western world. 23 00:04:42,292 --> 00:04:45,708 - Hugo burlap personified the American dream. 24 00:04:46,708 --> 00:04:50,749 For a man to rise from a humble circus clown 25 00:04:50,750 --> 00:04:53,499 to president of the United States, 26 00:04:53,500 --> 00:04:58,124 I believe, speaks volumes for our Democratic tradition, 27 00:04:58,125 --> 00:05:01,207 and I am proud to step into his shoes. 28 00:05:01,208 --> 00:05:03,541 - To the world, he was an ambassador for peace, 29 00:05:03,542 --> 00:05:05,541 truth, and the American ideal, 30 00:05:05,542 --> 00:05:08,291 but to citizens in his home town of Cleveland, Ohio, 31 00:05:08,292 --> 00:05:13,041 he will always be uncle yuk-yuk, star of the big top. 32 00:05:13,042 --> 00:05:15,707 And it was in Cleveland at 11,30 this morning 33 00:05:15,708 --> 00:05:18,082 that the president was finally laid to rest 34 00:05:18,083 --> 00:05:19,916 according to his last wishes. 35 00:05:29,042 --> 00:05:30,624 Members of the president's family 36 00:05:30,625 --> 00:05:32,166 were joined by heads of state 37 00:05:32,167 --> 00:05:34,374 and prime ministers from across the globe 38 00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:36,124 in an act of homage to the man 39 00:05:36,125 --> 00:05:38,500 who shaped the course of modern america 40 00:05:47,083 --> 00:05:49,749 What, then, of our nation's new chief executive, 41 00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:51,582 Barbara Jacqueline Adams? 42 00:05:51,583 --> 00:05:54,957 Shrewd, sensible, compassionate, scrupulously honest. 43 00:05:54,958 --> 00:05:57,291 She has overcome all these handicaps 44 00:05:57,292 --> 00:06:00,166 to become president of the United States. 45 00:06:00,167 --> 00:06:01,707 Right now, her major concern 46 00:06:01,708 --> 00:06:03,707 will be the crisis in Central America, 47 00:06:03,708 --> 00:06:06,916 where, 24 hours ago, maguadoran tanks 48 00:06:06,917 --> 00:06:08,958 rolled into British Santa Maya. 49 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:10,499 Reaction in London was swift. 50 00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:11,333 - Mr. Speaker, 51 00:06:11,334 --> 00:06:14,832 I do not propose to sink to the opposition's petty level 52 00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:18,207 by explaining why the invasion took place. 53 00:06:18,208 --> 00:06:19,791 What is Paramount now 54 00:06:19,792 --> 00:06:22,916 is the safety of the Santa Mayan people. 55 00:06:22,917 --> 00:06:25,582 Throughout history, we in these islands 56 00:06:25,583 --> 00:06:29,375 have nurtured the twin flowers of freedom and equality. 57 00:06:30,583 --> 00:06:33,999 Liberty is our birthright, Mr. Speaker. 58 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:35,707 Democracy will prevail. 59 00:06:37,917 --> 00:06:39,874 Meanwhile in Santa Maya. 60 00:06:39,875 --> 00:06:42,999 - I give you your new presidente, 61 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:46,457 generalissimo Francisco nicanor mosquera! 62 00:06:47,376 --> 00:06:49,082 The new military ruler 63 00:06:49,083 --> 00:06:50,917 met with a frosty reception. 64 00:06:52,417 --> 00:06:55,666 - People of Santa Maya. 65 00:06:55,667 --> 00:07:00,667 Today, you are liberated from the British imperialists. 66 00:07:01,333 --> 00:07:02,666 You are, 67 00:07:02,667 --> 00:07:07,667 once again, free citizens of the republic of maguadora. 68 00:07:14,958 --> 00:07:18,416 How will president Adams respond to mosquera's actions? 69 00:07:18,417 --> 00:07:20,874 Well, one man she will be listening to 70 00:07:20,875 --> 00:07:23,332 is former president Jack Preston, 71 00:07:23,333 --> 00:07:26,332 author of the book “commie bastards I have known" 72 00:07:26,333 --> 00:07:29,124 and a leading authority on Caribbean affairs. 73 00:07:29,125 --> 00:07:31,499 Tomorrow morning she'll be flying to California 74 00:07:31,500 --> 00:07:34,541 for top-level consultations with the former president 75 00:07:34,542 --> 00:07:35,874 in an attempt to defuse 76 00:07:35,875 --> 00:07:38,417 this potentially explosive situation. 77 00:07:41,750 --> 00:07:42,916 Yes sir? 78 00:07:42,917 --> 00:07:44,041 - We have an appointment to see 79 00:07:44,042 --> 00:07:46,416 the former president of the United States. 80 00:07:46,417 --> 00:07:47,250 - Yes, sir. 81 00:07:47,251 --> 00:07:49,291 President Preston is expecting you. 82 00:07:49,292 --> 00:07:51,166 Right through there and to your left. 83 00:07:51,167 --> 00:07:52,542 Thank you very much. 84 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,791 J' if a woman tells ya j' 85 00:08:00,792 --> 00:08:01,792 - hey. 86 00:08:05,292 --> 00:08:06,624 - Madam president. 87 00:08:06,625 --> 00:08:08,582 - Mr. President. 88 00:08:08,583 --> 00:08:09,583 - Marv! 89 00:08:12,625 --> 00:08:15,166 - Bill! - Mr. President. 90 00:08:15,167 --> 00:08:17,250 - Great to see you again! 91 00:08:18,750 --> 00:08:22,416 - So, Mr. President, how's life? 92 00:08:22,417 --> 00:08:24,916 - Oh, still serving it! 93 00:08:32,167 --> 00:08:33,332 - Mr. President, I don't know 94 00:08:33,333 --> 00:08:35,666 if they let you see newspapers here, 95 00:08:35,667 --> 00:08:38,416 but we've been having some problems in the Caribbean. 96 00:08:38,417 --> 00:08:39,457 - I heard about that, sure. 97 00:08:39,458 --> 00:08:42,749 - Up 'til now, our support for mosquera has been iron clad. 98 00:08:42,750 --> 00:08:45,582 - Oh, he eats commies for breakfast, right? 99 00:08:45,583 --> 00:08:48,666 - At the same time britain is our oldest ally in the world. 100 00:08:48,667 --> 00:08:50,124 - Sure, sure. 101 00:08:50,125 --> 00:08:52,416 Listen, in my estimation, 102 00:08:52,417 --> 00:08:54,124 this is a whole dish of worms 103 00:08:54,125 --> 00:08:56,707 that could squeal antsy in the long ticket. 104 00:08:56,708 --> 00:09:00,374 We need to hump out wide, hype up the squeak-bag, 105 00:09:00,375 --> 00:09:02,875 before they screw down the jam box 106 00:09:04,542 --> 00:09:05,832 - excuse me? 107 00:09:05,833 --> 00:09:08,624 - Always fox the grease monkeys. 108 00:09:08,625 --> 00:09:12,582 They won't tango 'til you crack down the fish pot. 109 00:09:12,583 --> 00:09:16,667 You can't risk hell shit with a bunch of Lulu pig-suckers! 110 00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:22,332 - So, to give our support to britain would be entirely- 111 00:09:22,333 --> 00:09:23,666 - the only solution. 112 00:09:23,667 --> 00:09:25,249 - The only solution, right. 113 00:09:25,250 --> 00:09:28,624 - You see, you can't empty your piss can 114 00:09:28,625 --> 00:09:31,124 'til the heat's off the mugwump. 115 00:09:31,125 --> 00:09:33,542 Always take down the gizmo and caveat the cranker, before- 116 00:09:35,125 --> 00:09:37,833 - Mr. President, it's been an education. 117 00:09:38,708 --> 00:09:40,292 - A pleasure, madam. 118 00:09:45,501 --> 00:09:46,542 - Mr. President! 119 00:09:56,417 --> 00:09:57,500 - What a guy. 120 00:09:59,958 --> 00:10:01,041 - I can just tell you 121 00:10:01,042 --> 00:10:03,666 that the president has persuaded both sides 122 00:10:03,667 --> 00:10:05,166 to meet across the table, 123 00:10:05,167 --> 00:10:08,417 and these talks will take place in Miami tomorrow. 124 00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:11,416 - Ed gardner, "tribune." 125 00:10:11,417 --> 00:10:14,374 Will the president be chairing these talks herself? 126 00:10:14,375 --> 00:10:16,166 - No, there'll be no us presence. 127 00:10:16,167 --> 00:10:18,207 - Bob sangster, "newsweek." 128 00:10:18,208 --> 00:10:20,249 Does the president feel maguadora 129 00:10:20,250 --> 00:10:22,874 can be persuaded to withdraw from British soil? 130 00:10:22,875 --> 00:10:25,041 - Oh, I think she's still hopeful. 131 00:10:25,876 --> 00:10:27,541 - Ron horrocks, "reader's digest.“ 132 00:10:27,542 --> 00:10:28,666 has the president ever yearned 133 00:10:28,667 --> 00:10:31,791 to own a hand-tooled “guide to the watennays of manitoba"? 134 00:10:31,792 --> 00:10:35,541 - Yes, well, when the talks broke for lunch, Bob, 135 00:10:35,542 --> 00:10:38,208 what did the British foreign secretary have to say? 136 00:10:39,625 --> 00:10:43,082 Well did he seem like he was in a good mood? 137 00:10:43,083 --> 00:10:45,917 Was he joking or laughing, or? 138 00:10:49,167 --> 00:10:51,832 When you say “walking with a stoop“, Bob, 139 00:10:51,833 --> 00:10:53,500 how do you mean that, exactly? 140 00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:14,791 We remind guests that 141 00:11:14,792 --> 00:11:16,499 while the international peace talks 142 00:11:16,500 --> 00:11:19,916 between Great Britain and maguadora are taking place 143 00:11:19,917 --> 00:11:22,707 security checks will be in operation 144 00:11:22,708 --> 00:11:25,082 we apologise for any inconvenience. 145 00:11:27,708 --> 00:11:28,625 What have you got in the trunk? 146 00:11:28,626 --> 00:11:30,624 - Oh, just a little merchandise. 147 00:11:30,625 --> 00:11:31,957 - Merchandise? 148 00:11:33,083 --> 00:11:34,791 - Oh, just a few samples. 149 00:11:34,792 --> 00:11:37,082 See, I'm a travelling salesman. 150 00:11:37,083 --> 00:11:37,917 Wanger's the name. 151 00:11:37,918 --> 00:11:41,207 Richard millhouse wanger, of wanger, wimple and wadi. 152 00:11:41,208 --> 00:11:44,041 We're manufacturers of games and novelties. 153 00:11:44,042 --> 00:11:45,708 Probably you've heard of us. 154 00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:49,458 Open the trunk. 155 00:11:49,459 --> 00:11:50,667 - Oh, you bet. 156 00:11:54,292 --> 00:11:56,957 Boy, it sure is hot today, isn't it? 157 00:11:56,958 --> 00:11:58,333 - What is all this crap? 158 00:12:00,958 --> 00:12:02,207 Duodenal ulcer? 159 00:12:02,208 --> 00:12:04,916 - Yeah, that's one of our new executive games. 160 00:12:04,917 --> 00:12:06,375 Very popular Madison Avenue. 161 00:12:12,333 --> 00:12:14,582 - Spunky spaniel? 162 00:12:15,418 --> 00:12:17,457 Oh, he's a whole heap full of fun, sir. 163 00:12:17,458 --> 00:12:19,208 See, you just put the batteries in here, 164 00:12:19,250 --> 00:12:20,374 clamp it on a friend's leg, 165 00:12:20,375 --> 00:12:22,124 and away the little fella goes! 166 00:12:22,125 --> 00:12:23,625 It's all very er. 167 00:12:27,750 --> 00:12:30,041 - Oh, my goodness. - Are you ok? 168 00:12:30,042 --> 00:12:31,832 - No, it's nothing. 169 00:12:31,833 --> 00:12:35,416 It's just a small bout of swamp fever! 170 00:12:35,417 --> 00:12:36,832 Contracted during 171 00:12:36,833 --> 00:12:39,082 a snoopy doll symposium in the upper Congo. 172 00:12:39,083 --> 00:12:41,041 I'll be all right. 173 00:12:41,042 --> 00:12:42,291 Well, what have you got here? 174 00:12:42,292 --> 00:12:44,791 Some kind of a security alert? 175 00:12:44,792 --> 00:12:46,707 - Hey, you got that right. 176 00:12:46,708 --> 00:12:47,832 The maguadora peace talks. 177 00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:50,832 Floors seven through 15 are strictly off limits. 178 00:12:50,833 --> 00:12:52,124 - Yes. 179 00:12:54,375 --> 00:12:55,875 - What's under this down here? 180 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,374 Oh, my god! 181 00:13:00,375 --> 00:13:02,374 My teeth are coming loose. 182 00:13:04,875 --> 00:13:06,666 I hope this isn't contagious. 183 00:13:06,667 --> 00:13:08,374 I wouldn't want anyone- - oh, my god! 184 00:13:08,375 --> 00:13:09,499 Get this out of here. 185 00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:10,333 Jesus! 186 00:13:10,334 --> 00:13:11,541 Move it, move it, move it! 187 00:13:11,542 --> 00:13:14,332 - Thank you, thank you very much. 188 00:13:14,333 --> 00:13:15,792 - And stay on your own floor! 189 00:13:32,250 --> 00:13:33,125 - It doesn't look very hopeful, 190 00:13:33,126 --> 00:13:34,832 the sovereignty question, does it? 191 00:13:34,833 --> 00:13:37,917 Still, there may yet be a compromise formula we can find. 192 00:13:39,333 --> 00:13:42,208 I've a feeling it's going to be a very long afternoon. 193 00:14:00,042 --> 00:14:02,124 - Hey, how ya doin', bro? 194 00:14:02,125 --> 00:14:03,957 Glad to know ya! 195 00:14:03,958 --> 00:14:05,207 - Who the hell are you? 196 00:14:05,208 --> 00:14:06,291 Where's Larry? 197 00:14:06,292 --> 00:14:07,874 - Oh, Larry's sick, man. 198 00:14:07,875 --> 00:14:11,166 Contracted hepatitis from a septic squeegee. 199 00:14:11,167 --> 00:14:13,291 I've just been sent down here by the agency. 200 00:14:13,292 --> 00:14:14,125 - Agency? 201 00:14:14,126 --> 00:14:16,832 - Yeah, waxahachie window care. 202 00:14:16,833 --> 00:14:19,707 High-rise maintenance in 47 states 203 00:14:19,708 --> 00:14:21,833 and an equal-opportunity employer. 204 00:14:22,667 --> 00:14:23,667 - Jesus Christ. 205 00:14:23,668 --> 00:14:26,207 - No, no, my name is nitz, man. 206 00:14:26,208 --> 00:14:27,208 Conway nitz III. 207 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:31,375 What's the matter with you? 208 00:14:32,792 --> 00:14:35,916 Man, I forgot to introduce you to my dog, happy. 209 00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:38,041 Boy, I tell you, without this little labrador, 210 00:14:38,042 --> 00:14:41,457 I'd be blinder than a bug in a badger's back side. 211 00:14:41,458 --> 00:14:43,332 Say, one of you guys help me into this cradle. 212 00:14:43,333 --> 00:14:45,291 We can burn some rubber on this glass. 213 00:14:45,292 --> 00:14:46,332 - Listen. 214 00:14:46,333 --> 00:14:47,832 I don't figure this at all. 215 00:14:47,833 --> 00:14:49,749 I'm going to call my boss. 216 00:14:49,750 --> 00:14:51,332 You stay right here, you hear me? 217 00:14:51,333 --> 00:14:52,499 - Get some smokes! 218 00:15:09,875 --> 00:15:10,875 - Right. 219 00:15:15,292 --> 00:15:16,292 - Here, boy. 220 00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:35,582 I'll get the dog. 221 00:15:38,792 --> 00:15:40,957 - For god's sake, see if there's a doctor in the place. 222 00:15:40,958 --> 00:15:41,958 - Yes, sir. 223 00:15:47,458 --> 00:15:49,957 - Watch where you're going, you great retard. 224 00:15:49,958 --> 00:15:50,958 - Doctor. 225 00:15:52,583 --> 00:15:54,625 You've had a very lucky break, gentlemen. 226 00:15:55,917 --> 00:15:59,832 But for the fortuitous, rare chance I was in town, 227 00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:01,416 lecturing on my new breakthrough 228 00:16:01,417 --> 00:16:04,125 in the culture of rabies vaccine 229 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:07,708 this could be embalming fluid you're having dabbed on. 230 00:16:09,875 --> 00:16:10,875 Yes. 231 00:16:11,792 --> 00:16:12,792 Now. 232 00:16:14,292 --> 00:16:17,458 If you'll all just hold perfectly still, 233 00:16:18,458 --> 00:16:21,917 I'll prepare the hypodermics. 234 00:16:26,542 --> 00:16:28,875 Well, all finished now, thank you. 235 00:16:30,083 --> 00:16:31,042 If you could have the payment sent to me 236 00:16:31,043 --> 00:16:32,250 at this address, please. 237 00:16:33,750 --> 00:16:35,124 Penis is the name. 238 00:16:35,125 --> 00:16:37,250 Dr. Theseus lyndon penis. 239 00:16:38,167 --> 00:16:40,042 I accept all major credit cards. 240 00:16:42,958 --> 00:16:43,958 Gentlemen. 241 00:16:45,708 --> 00:16:46,749 - The British delegation 242 00:16:46,750 --> 00:16:49,832 have had time to consider our proposals. 243 00:16:49,833 --> 00:16:53,374 They have formulated their official response? 244 00:16:53,375 --> 00:16:54,958 - I'm sure they have, gentlemen. 245 00:17:04,042 --> 00:17:06,582 - Is the CIA sure of these facts? 246 00:17:06,583 --> 00:17:08,207 They say the Santa Maya peace talks 247 00:17:08,208 --> 00:17:11,791 were deliberately sabotaged by this mercenary, lacrobat, 248 00:17:11,792 --> 00:17:14,166 "to provoke a war in the Caribbean, 249 00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:18,082 and assist a major arms contract between maguadora 250 00:17:18,083 --> 00:17:21,957 and the American weapons company Nevada technics.“ 251 00:17:21,958 --> 00:17:23,332 let's just pray to god 252 00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:25,749 the press doesn't get a hold of this one. 253 00:17:25,750 --> 00:17:27,374 - Here is a late newsflash. 254 00:17:27,375 --> 00:17:30,249 A top-secret report issued by the CIA 255 00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:32,208 reveals that the Santa Maya peace talks 256 00:17:32,250 --> 00:17:35,957 were sabotaged by the mercenary lacrobat, 257 00:17:35,958 --> 00:17:37,999 to provoke a war in the Caribbean 258 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:41,624 and assist a major arms contract between maguadora 259 00:17:41,625 --> 00:17:45,082 and the American weapons company Nevada technics. 260 00:17:45,083 --> 00:17:47,541 Lacrobat is the world's most wanted terrorist, 261 00:17:47,542 --> 00:17:50,874 and his methods, though bizarre, are terrifyingly effective. 262 00:17:50,875 --> 00:17:54,291 He's already wanted for 27 major international crimes, 263 00:17:54,292 --> 00:17:56,416 including six assassinations 264 00:17:56,417 --> 00:17:58,791 and the recipe for airline lunches, 265 00:17:58,792 --> 00:18:01,207 and the news that he's once again at large in the west 266 00:18:01,208 --> 00:18:03,332 is bound to be a cause for concern. 267 00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:05,041 I'll be talking to president Adams 268 00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:06,749 about the Nevada technics scandal 269 00:18:06,750 --> 00:18:10,167 live on the phone, from the oval office, in just a moment. 270 00:18:11,667 --> 00:18:13,457 - This is suicide, Marv. 271 00:18:13,458 --> 00:18:15,582 - There's nothing to worry about, madam. 272 00:18:15,583 --> 00:18:16,750 Mr. Sweetzer's here. 273 00:18:18,292 --> 00:18:20,791 - Oh, fine, good! 274 00:18:21,958 --> 00:18:24,707 - Madam, this report claims Nevada technics 275 00:18:24,708 --> 00:18:26,666 used a hit man, lacrobat, 276 00:18:26,667 --> 00:18:28,332 to wreck the peace process 277 00:18:28,333 --> 00:18:30,832 in order to grease a major arms deal. 278 00:18:30,833 --> 00:18:34,957 - Oh, well, I wouldn't put too much reliance on that. 279 00:18:34,958 --> 00:18:36,457 - And if that's true, 280 00:18:36,458 --> 00:18:39,249 Nevada technics would have a lot to answer for, 281 00:18:39,250 --> 00:18:40,083 wouldn't they? 282 00:18:40,084 --> 00:18:41,916 Oh, well, yes, of course, but. 283 00:18:41,917 --> 00:18:43,499 - Madam president, you are, of course, 284 00:18:43,500 --> 00:18:46,374 married to the chairman of Nevada technics. 285 00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:49,499 - Yes, well, as you know, 286 00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:52,666 as you may know my husband is away at present 287 00:18:52,667 --> 00:18:54,749 on business in Australia, 288 00:18:54,750 --> 00:18:56,541 and I wouldn't want to pre-empt anything. 289 00:18:56,542 --> 00:18:58,582 Ok, Mr. Sweetzer, 290 00:18:58,583 --> 00:19:00,124 no, I don't mean that. 291 00:19:00,125 --> 00:19:02,916 I wouldn't want to say- 292 00:19:02,917 --> 00:19:07,082 - Oh. 293 00:19:07,083 --> 00:19:08,500 Pardon me, madam. 294 00:19:13,667 --> 00:19:17,708 Well, I'm afraid the line appears to be breaking up. 295 00:19:18,667 --> 00:19:20,624 We'll get back to that one later on. 296 00:19:20,625 --> 00:19:22,707 - Well hell Gerry it's your company. 297 00:19:22,708 --> 00:19:25,332 Find out who hired this lunatic. 298 00:19:25,333 --> 00:19:26,791 Our press over here has been worse 299 00:19:26,792 --> 00:19:28,416 than the manson family got 300 00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,207 plus, our protege in the Caribbean 301 00:19:30,208 --> 00:19:32,791 decides to open a new branch of gestapo ltd. 302 00:19:32,792 --> 00:19:34,166 In the country next door. 303 00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:35,791 And now the British prime minister 304 00:19:35,792 --> 00:19:37,999 is about to play with his toy boats down there, 305 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,708 which presents the west with a small dilemma, 306 00:19:40,750 --> 00:19:41,750 to say the least. 307 00:19:45,583 --> 00:19:47,667 Well, I miss you too, Superman. 308 00:19:49,750 --> 00:19:53,832 Finish your work and hurry home soon, ok? 309 00:19:53,833 --> 00:19:54,833 Ok, honey. 310 00:19:55,917 --> 00:19:56,917 Bye-bye for now. 311 00:20:01,625 --> 00:20:03,957 You show them, sir Mortimer! 312 00:20:03,958 --> 00:20:05,416 - Someone was out 313 00:20:05,417 --> 00:20:07,082 to wreck the peace conference prime minister. 314 00:20:07,083 --> 00:20:08,708 There's no doubt about that. 315 00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:09,791 - They succeeded. 316 00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:13,582 Mosquera refuses even to discuss Santa Maya any more. 317 00:20:13,583 --> 00:20:14,999 - He, 318 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,624 he may change his mind, of course. 319 00:20:16,625 --> 00:20:18,832 International opinion is totally against him. 320 00:20:18,833 --> 00:20:21,374 - But he's a very determined man. 321 00:20:21,375 --> 00:20:22,957 - And so am I, gentlemen. 322 00:20:22,958 --> 00:20:25,624 Make no mistake about that. 323 00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:28,624 What's more, the people are behind me. 324 00:20:28,625 --> 00:20:30,249 According to the wireless today, 325 00:20:30,250 --> 00:20:32,249 my current popularity rating 326 00:20:32,250 --> 00:20:36,582 is higher than any other national leader in peacetime. 327 00:20:36,583 --> 00:20:37,417 Astonishing. 328 00:20:37,418 --> 00:20:38,541 It does demonstrate a great 329 00:20:38,542 --> 00:20:42,291 groundswell of confidence in our policies. 330 00:20:42,292 --> 00:20:45,958 And we didn't win at dunkirk by running away. 331 00:20:46,958 --> 00:20:50,166 Santa Maya must be liberated. 332 00:20:50,167 --> 00:20:53,333 We shall use every means at our disposal, 333 00:20:55,792 --> 00:20:58,874 Even diplomacy, should it ever come to that, 334 00:20:58,875 --> 00:21:00,332 because peace is the greatest thing 335 00:21:00,333 --> 00:21:02,249 that any man can fight for. 336 00:21:02,250 --> 00:21:04,124 And fight we shall. 337 00:21:04,125 --> 00:21:07,625 Fight, until victory is finally ours. 338 00:21:22,250 --> 00:21:23,916 - Darling! 339 00:21:23,917 --> 00:21:24,917 Darling. 340 00:21:26,375 --> 00:21:27,582 Darling where are you? 341 00:21:27,583 --> 00:21:28,958 In here, darling. 342 00:21:30,625 --> 00:21:32,416 - Did you get the strawberry jam? 343 00:21:32,417 --> 00:21:35,374 - No, I, I didn't get it. 344 00:21:35,375 --> 00:21:39,124 - Oh, Dickie, you went into the village specially. 345 00:21:39,125 --> 00:21:41,667 What am I going to give the rector for tea when he. 346 00:21:45,042 --> 00:21:46,791 There's something wrong? 347 00:21:46,792 --> 00:21:47,792 - Wrong? 348 00:21:48,542 --> 00:21:49,542 Well. 349 00:21:51,667 --> 00:21:53,249 Not really, old thing. 350 00:21:53,250 --> 00:21:54,833 Nothing to get in a tizzy over. 351 00:21:57,583 --> 00:21:58,792 You'll hear soon enough. 352 00:21:59,917 --> 00:22:01,832 It looks as if there's going to be a bit of a scrap 353 00:22:01,833 --> 00:22:03,082 in the Caribbean. 354 00:22:03,083 --> 00:22:06,207 They're sending a task force down 355 00:22:06,208 --> 00:22:08,957 to get the maguos out of Santa Maya. 356 00:22:09,793 --> 00:22:12,499 - This telegram was waiting at the post office. 357 00:22:12,500 --> 00:22:15,457 Everyone's to report to Portsmouth by six o'clock tonight. 358 00:22:15,458 --> 00:22:16,750 - Tonight, but... 359 00:22:19,417 --> 00:22:20,417 Oh, god. 360 00:22:21,250 --> 00:22:22,083 - Chin up, now. 361 00:22:22,084 --> 00:22:23,417 It won't be so bad. 362 00:22:24,333 --> 00:22:26,833 One knows one's duty, and, 363 00:22:27,792 --> 00:22:29,291 I'm not afraid. 364 00:22:29,292 --> 00:22:30,582 I'll see it through. 365 00:22:30,583 --> 00:22:31,916 I'm not scared. 366 00:22:31,917 --> 00:22:32,917 - Of course not. 367 00:22:33,750 --> 00:22:35,207 You're not the one that's got to go. 368 00:22:35,208 --> 00:22:36,208 - No, I know. 369 00:22:37,208 --> 00:22:39,708 Just as well, really, I get damnably seasick. 370 00:22:41,583 --> 00:22:44,208 I suppose you'll be wanting your uniform back, then. 371 00:22:51,083 --> 00:22:52,792 - Oh, I'll miss him! 372 00:23:30,792 --> 00:23:31,999 - Great on page three. 373 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,082 Now, point the gun at the general, girls. 374 00:23:34,083 --> 00:23:35,333 That's it smile 375 00:23:36,583 --> 00:23:38,874 ah, this is going to be great! 376 00:23:38,875 --> 00:23:40,541 Now show us what you think 377 00:23:40,542 --> 00:23:41,916 - get out of my way! 378 00:23:41,917 --> 00:23:43,332 Get out of my way. 379 00:23:43,333 --> 00:23:44,624 For Christ's sake! 380 00:23:44,625 --> 00:23:47,125 What the hell's going on here? 381 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:52,457 Get these women covered up. 382 00:23:52,458 --> 00:23:54,999 And get these two cretins out of here. 383 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,083 Before I call the police! 384 00:23:58,458 --> 00:24:01,332 Come on, you there on. 385 00:24:01,333 --> 00:24:03,207 - Sir! - What is it? 386 00:24:03,208 --> 00:24:05,416 - I think you'd better take a look at this. 387 00:24:06,958 --> 00:24:08,499 - Oh, my god! 388 00:24:08,500 --> 00:24:10,625 They've finally done it. 389 00:24:11,583 --> 00:24:13,792 They've finally done the unthinkable. 390 00:24:36,500 --> 00:24:37,999 - 157 warships, 391 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:41,249 I would call a slight overreaction to the problem, Marv. 392 00:24:41,250 --> 00:24:43,832 This kind of saber-rattling we don't need right now. 393 00:24:43,833 --> 00:24:44,874 - Absolutely, madam. 394 00:24:44,875 --> 00:24:45,708 - What are the chances 395 00:24:45,709 --> 00:24:48,082 of getting mosquera back to negotiating table? 396 00:24:48,083 --> 00:24:49,416 - Well, after what happened in Miami, 397 00:24:49,417 --> 00:24:52,124 I guess he's not feeling too talkative any more. 398 00:25:06,208 --> 00:25:07,458 - Two countries get worked up 399 00:25:07,500 --> 00:25:09,207 over a goddamn banana plantation, 400 00:25:09,208 --> 00:25:10,541 and we've got to clean up the mess. 401 00:25:10,542 --> 00:25:12,374 Us support for the fascist dictatorship is- 402 00:25:12,375 --> 00:25:13,208 We must keep 403 00:25:13,209 --> 00:25:15,041 the peace process alive at all costs Marv. 404 00:25:15,042 --> 00:25:16,832 Death to the Nazi junta! 405 00:25:17,668 --> 00:25:18,832 - I want a session with both ambassadors 406 00:25:18,833 --> 00:25:20,082 as soon as we're in Washington. 407 00:25:20,083 --> 00:25:21,707 - Yes ma'am. - Welcome to Jacksonville, 408 00:25:21,708 --> 00:25:23,208 Florida. 409 00:25:30,917 --> 00:25:33,375 - Two more days and we shall be in the Caribbean. 410 00:25:34,458 --> 00:25:37,166 From here on, I want every ship in this fleet, 411 00:25:37,167 --> 00:25:40,625 every sailor, every soldier, put on red alert. 412 00:25:41,958 --> 00:25:45,124 We're about to enter a potential battle zone. 413 00:25:45,125 --> 00:25:47,125 - Sir, a dispatch just in from London. 414 00:25:48,042 --> 00:25:50,082 - Buckingham Palace? - It's Princess Wendy, sir. 415 00:25:50,083 --> 00:25:51,874 They want her transferred off hms shropshire 416 00:25:51,875 --> 00:25:53,916 and onto this ship immediately. 417 00:25:53,917 --> 00:25:55,999 In secret, to foil the enemy. 418 00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:57,000 - Bastards! 419 00:25:57,708 --> 00:26:00,082 They should never have let her come in the first place. 420 00:26:00,083 --> 00:26:03,332 This task force needs a royal Princess in the wrens 421 00:26:03,333 --> 00:26:05,332 like an outbreak of typhus! 422 00:26:05,333 --> 00:26:07,082 Not at all, your royal highness. 423 00:26:07,083 --> 00:26:09,541 We're delighted to have you aboard. 424 00:26:13,667 --> 00:26:15,332 - Basically, one wants to be treated 425 00:26:15,333 --> 00:26:17,541 like any other ordinary nursing officer, sir. 426 00:26:17,542 --> 00:26:18,874 I'm sure you understand. 427 00:26:18,875 --> 00:26:20,124 No fuss or favours. 428 00:26:20,125 --> 00:26:21,791 - Absolutely not, ma'am. 429 00:26:21,792 --> 00:26:23,332 Of course. 430 00:26:23,333 --> 00:26:25,083 This is your cabin. 431 00:26:27,833 --> 00:26:28,833 - Thank you. 432 00:26:34,292 --> 00:26:36,249 - If those two medical experiments from the press 433 00:26:36,250 --> 00:26:37,476 get wind of this, we've had it. 434 00:26:37,500 --> 00:26:40,708 It'll be like throwing raw meat to a pack of jackals. 435 00:26:40,750 --> 00:26:41,708 - Don't worry, sir. 436 00:26:41,709 --> 00:26:44,166 We'll keep her royal highness well under wraps. 437 00:26:44,167 --> 00:26:45,958 They won't even know she's on board. 438 00:26:50,584 --> 00:26:52,124 - Yes, just as I thought, your highness. 439 00:26:52,125 --> 00:26:53,541 Strangulated hernia in the groin. 440 00:26:53,542 --> 00:26:54,749 It'll have to be surgery. 441 00:26:54,750 --> 00:26:55,583 Shave him, would you, ma'am? 442 00:26:55,584 --> 00:26:57,083 I'll be back in five minutes. 443 00:27:55,167 --> 00:27:56,250 - Oh, my god. 444 00:27:57,708 --> 00:27:58,708 - It's not the fact, gentlemen, 445 00:27:58,709 --> 00:28:02,832 that one of my soldiers has just been horribly castrated 446 00:28:02,833 --> 00:28:04,792 by a member of britain's royal family. 447 00:28:07,250 --> 00:28:08,291 It is not even the fact 448 00:28:08,292 --> 00:28:10,957 that in the blind panic that followed, 449 00:28:10,958 --> 00:28:12,666 a pair of liptons tea bags 450 00:28:12,667 --> 00:28:15,708 were erroneously sewn back into the patient's scrotum. 451 00:28:17,292 --> 00:28:19,666 And the fact not discovered until three hours later, 452 00:28:19,667 --> 00:28:21,666 when someone was rinsing out the teapot. 453 00:28:21,667 --> 00:28:23,167 No, gentlemen. 454 00:28:24,125 --> 00:28:26,624 This was the real coup de grace. 455 00:28:26,625 --> 00:28:30,749 This dispatch I found not 10 minutes ago in the wire room. 456 00:28:30,750 --> 00:28:32,499 "Holy chopped meat! 457 00:28:32,500 --> 00:28:35,666 Princess Wendy went whittling with a razor yesterday 458 00:28:39,875 --> 00:28:40,875 yes, sirree. 459 00:28:41,792 --> 00:28:44,916 Another young soldier waved goodbye to his loved ones, 460 00:28:44,917 --> 00:28:47,416 as her royal highness went crazy with the cut-throat 461 00:28:47,417 --> 00:28:49,458 during a routine pre-op shave 462 00:28:49,500 --> 00:28:51,749 on britain's flagship hms lion, 463 00:28:51,750 --> 00:28:53,624 where she was secretly transferred. 464 00:28:53,625 --> 00:28:54,666 Oh, holy godfathers! 465 00:28:54,667 --> 00:28:56,707 Is there any more classified information 466 00:28:56,708 --> 00:28:58,416 you'd like to broadcast to the world? 467 00:28:58,417 --> 00:29:01,166 You are a liability to every man and woman in this fleet, 468 00:29:01,167 --> 00:29:02,957 and I'm having you put off this ship 469 00:29:02,958 --> 00:29:04,666 at the next island we come to! 470 00:29:07,208 --> 00:29:09,708 - I hope they whip the ass off you! 471 00:29:09,750 --> 00:29:11,333 Lousy, stinking mothers. 472 00:29:15,333 --> 00:29:16,333 Jesus! 473 00:29:26,625 --> 00:29:28,916 - The main stories this Friday evening. 474 00:29:28,917 --> 00:29:30,916 Edna burkavitz, the woman who secured 475 00:29:30,917 --> 00:29:34,332 a lock of frank Sinatra's hair in 1955, 476 00:29:34,333 --> 00:29:38,166 has today sold it back to him for an undisclosed sum. 477 00:29:38,167 --> 00:29:40,457 And as the British task force steams south 478 00:29:40,458 --> 00:29:41,292 for the Caribbean, 479 00:29:41,293 --> 00:29:43,166 hopes are fading for a peaceful end 480 00:29:43,167 --> 00:29:44,749 to the Santa Maya crisis. 481 00:29:44,750 --> 00:29:46,083 Details shortly. 482 00:29:51,167 --> 00:29:52,582 - Madam president. 483 00:29:52,583 --> 00:29:53,958 - What is it, Marv? 484 00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:56,541 - Priority Alpha, from the Pentagon. 485 00:29:56,542 --> 00:29:57,749 - Let me have it. 486 00:29:57,750 --> 00:29:58,708 - Santa Maya, madam. 487 00:29:58,709 --> 00:30:01,666 British fleet just got in, 50 miles off the coast 488 00:30:01,667 --> 00:30:04,542 and was fired on by a maguadoran destroyer. 489 00:30:05,583 --> 00:30:09,082 I mean, all hell's gonna break loose down there any minute. 490 00:30:09,083 --> 00:30:11,541 - Better patch me through to London and maguador city. 491 00:30:11,542 --> 00:30:12,542 - Right, ma'am. 492 00:30:12,543 --> 00:30:14,499 If anybody can stop these two countries from going to war, 493 00:30:14,500 --> 00:30:16,166 it's the president of the United States. 494 00:31:16,250 --> 00:31:18,083 - Thank you very much. 495 00:31:19,167 --> 00:31:20,500 Hi, how are you? 496 00:31:22,167 --> 00:31:23,500 I recognise you. 497 00:31:25,125 --> 00:31:26,625 Well done! 498 00:31:28,958 --> 00:31:29,792 - From what I gather, 499 00:31:29,793 --> 00:31:32,541 president Adams was not a little miffed. 500 00:31:32,542 --> 00:31:36,082 Apparently, the white house wanted us all to go on talking. 501 00:31:36,918 --> 00:31:39,666 Talk about giving a man on the guillotine an aspirin! 502 00:31:42,458 --> 00:31:45,624 Until maguadora recognises britain's right to sovereignty, 503 00:31:45,625 --> 00:31:48,707 there can be no question of pulling out our troops. 504 00:31:48,708 --> 00:31:49,916 Absolutely. 505 00:31:49,917 --> 00:31:51,124 - It would be madness. 506 00:31:51,125 --> 00:31:54,542 - And now to another equally serious problem. 507 00:31:55,417 --> 00:31:58,582 The record level of unemployment. 508 00:31:58,583 --> 00:32:01,582 Now, some people argue that this crisis is the result 509 00:32:01,583 --> 00:32:04,957 of government mismanagement and underspending. 510 00:32:04,958 --> 00:32:06,999 They could not be more wrong. 511 00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:08,666 - Hear, hear! - Hear, hear! 512 00:32:08,667 --> 00:32:11,999 - Because we all know what really causes unemployment 513 00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:14,541 in this country, don't we gentlemen? 514 00:32:14,542 --> 00:32:18,583 Unemployment in this country is caused by pixies. 515 00:32:19,667 --> 00:32:22,416 I don't mean the nice, ordinary ones, who sit on toadstools, 516 00:32:22,417 --> 00:32:23,666 playing a whistle. 517 00:32:23,667 --> 00:32:27,582 I'm talking about the nasty, evil, malevolent pixies, 518 00:32:27,583 --> 00:32:30,999 the tiny green ones with the black, pointy beards, 519 00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:33,582 who go around our factories, and we've all seen them, 520 00:32:33,583 --> 00:32:37,832 who go around our factories, casting their wicked spells, 521 00:32:37,833 --> 00:32:39,832 and bringing about mass redundancies 522 00:32:39,833 --> 00:32:42,458 on a scale not witnessed since the great depression. 523 00:32:54,542 --> 00:32:57,707 - When did you actually form this theory, prime minister? 524 00:32:57,708 --> 00:32:59,916 - Well, to be perfectly honest, Nigel, 525 00:32:59,917 --> 00:33:03,416 the pieces only really sort ofjelled in my mind, 526 00:33:03,417 --> 00:33:05,499 so to speak, last weekend. 527 00:33:05,500 --> 00:33:08,582 I was visiting a factory in stockport. 528 00:33:08,583 --> 00:33:11,124 Literally hundreds had lost their jobs, and small wonder. 529 00:33:11,125 --> 00:33:12,749 The place was crawling with them. 530 00:33:12,750 --> 00:33:15,082 - With erm, pixies? 531 00:33:15,083 --> 00:33:17,957 - Yeah, pixies, sprites, elfin folk. 532 00:33:17,958 --> 00:33:19,791 All manner of goblinry. 533 00:33:19,792 --> 00:33:21,999 Certainly opened my eyes, I can tell you. 534 00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:24,208 That's why I've launched this new campaign. 535 00:33:25,333 --> 00:33:26,333 - I see. 536 00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:30,457 What campaign? 537 00:33:30,458 --> 00:33:33,082 - The stamp out evil pixies campaign. 538 00:33:33,083 --> 00:33:35,792 The public have got to be educated on this one, Nigel. 539 00:33:37,083 --> 00:33:39,832 Mostly, they're about seven and a half inches tall, 540 00:33:39,833 --> 00:33:41,832 and they get in through the air vents. 541 00:33:41,833 --> 00:33:43,749 Now, the worst type of all 542 00:33:43,750 --> 00:33:45,916 are the invisible ones. 543 00:33:45,917 --> 00:33:50,207 - Our support for sir Mortimer Chris remains unequivocal. 544 00:33:50,208 --> 00:33:54,499 When the prime minister talks of pixies 545 00:33:54,500 --> 00:33:58,332 he is clearly using the term in a metaphorical sense, 546 00:33:58,333 --> 00:34:03,250 to denote disruptive elements within British industry. 547 00:34:04,083 --> 00:34:05,541 - How do you explain the fact 548 00:34:05,542 --> 00:34:08,874 that he has just set up an anti-goblin unit 549 00:34:08,875 --> 00:34:11,083 to bait them with gingerbread traps? 550 00:34:13,708 --> 00:34:15,916 - I think that's enough questions for today, gentlemen. 551 00:34:15,917 --> 00:34:19,249 - He's brainwashed the entire country. 552 00:34:19,250 --> 00:34:22,207 He's gone stark, staring, raving. 553 00:34:22,208 --> 00:34:23,208 - Morning. 554 00:34:23,208 --> 00:34:24,042 - Morning, prime minister. 555 00:34:24,043 --> 00:34:25,166 - Sorry I'm late, gentlemen. 556 00:34:25,167 --> 00:34:27,457 Nest of leprechauns in the bread bin. 557 00:34:27,458 --> 00:34:28,292 Right. 558 00:34:28,293 --> 00:34:29,832 Down to business. 559 00:34:29,833 --> 00:34:31,374 Good. 560 00:34:31,375 --> 00:34:33,458 Well, having established the root causes 561 00:34:33,500 --> 00:34:34,958 of the stagnation in the country, 562 00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:38,457 what we need now is a radical job-creation programme. 563 00:34:38,458 --> 00:34:39,999 Now, I've devised one here 564 00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:42,832 that will create half a million new jobs 565 00:34:42,833 --> 00:34:45,207 in its first year of operation. 566 00:34:45,208 --> 00:34:47,541 Basically, the scheme works like this. 567 00:34:47,542 --> 00:34:49,791 Every week, 10,000 working people 568 00:34:49,792 --> 00:34:54,124 jump off a cliff, thus creating 10,000 new jobs. 569 00:34:54,125 --> 00:34:57,041 I've drawn up a white paper here, gentlemen, 570 00:34:57,042 --> 00:34:59,082 if you'd care to cast your eyes over it. 571 00:35:01,500 --> 00:35:03,666 - Well, I think he's bloody marvellous. 572 00:35:03,667 --> 00:35:04,999 He brought us through the war, 573 00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:07,374 and I think he can do the same for the economy. 574 00:35:09,417 --> 00:35:10,250 I am. 575 00:35:10,251 --> 00:35:12,792 I'm proud to leap to my certain death for britain. 576 00:35:13,708 --> 00:35:14,708 Hooray! 577 00:35:17,250 --> 00:35:19,332 - Bye, well done. 578 00:35:19,333 --> 00:35:20,167 Ah, hello. 579 00:35:20,167 --> 00:35:21,125 How are you? 580 00:35:21,125 --> 00:35:21,958 - I'm fine, sir. 581 00:35:21,958 --> 00:35:22,792 - Jolly good. 582 00:35:22,792 --> 00:35:23,625 What do you do? 583 00:35:23,626 --> 00:35:25,541 - Well, I'm in industrial engineering, sir. 584 00:35:25,542 --> 00:35:26,707 - Oh, that's super. 585 00:35:26,708 --> 00:35:29,791 We can certainly do with a lot more vacancies there. 586 00:35:29,792 --> 00:35:31,374 Did you get everything you want? 587 00:35:31,375 --> 00:35:33,166 How 'bout if I give this one a push? 588 00:35:33,167 --> 00:35:34,874 - Ooh! - Good, good for you? 589 00:35:34,875 --> 00:35:35,708 Good for you? 590 00:35:35,708 --> 00:35:36,542 Good for me. 591 00:35:36,542 --> 00:35:37,375 There we are. 592 00:35:37,375 --> 00:35:38,208 A little push. 593 00:35:38,208 --> 00:35:39,208 How's that? 594 00:35:42,583 --> 00:35:44,249 Ah, right. 595 00:35:44,250 --> 00:35:45,250 Ok. 596 00:35:46,917 --> 00:35:48,832 They do add up. 597 00:35:48,833 --> 00:35:51,332 It may seem a little severe, I agree, 598 00:35:51,333 --> 00:35:53,416 but then there's always the horrid-tasting medicine 599 00:35:53,417 --> 00:35:54,791 that does you the most good. 600 00:35:54,792 --> 00:35:55,958 - Right, that's it. 601 00:35:56,958 --> 00:35:59,208 This has gone on quite long enough. 602 00:36:00,292 --> 00:36:02,042 I've had all I can take. 603 00:36:03,042 --> 00:36:04,125 - Who are you ringing? 604 00:36:06,458 --> 00:36:09,041 - Let me see if I have this straight here 605 00:36:09,042 --> 00:36:09,917 you're telling me 606 00:36:09,918 --> 00:36:12,458 that the prime minister of the United Kingdom, 607 00:36:13,333 --> 00:36:17,832 the man who has his finger on britain's nuclear trigger, 608 00:36:17,833 --> 00:36:20,957 the man to whom we have promised complete, 609 00:36:20,958 --> 00:36:22,499 unconditional support, 610 00:36:22,500 --> 00:36:25,624 in anything he says or does, 611 00:36:25,625 --> 00:36:27,958 is clinically insane? 612 00:36:29,042 --> 00:36:31,208 - That's a pretty fair summary. 613 00:36:31,250 --> 00:36:33,416 - From what the foreign secretary has told us, 614 00:36:33,417 --> 00:36:35,541 and from our own intelligence, 615 00:36:35,542 --> 00:36:38,167 there appears to be little doubt. 616 00:36:40,458 --> 00:36:42,291 - You're telling me 617 00:36:42,292 --> 00:36:46,582 that the entire population of Great Britain went and elected 618 00:36:46,583 --> 00:36:50,500 a deranged psychotic to the highest office of the land? 619 00:36:57,625 --> 00:36:58,625 Again? 620 00:37:02,542 --> 00:37:04,457 Ok, ok. 621 00:37:04,458 --> 00:37:05,500 Send him in. 622 00:37:13,958 --> 00:37:15,416 - Mr. Virgil grodd, madam, 623 00:37:15,417 --> 00:37:18,207 from the CIA directorate of plans. 624 00:37:18,208 --> 00:37:19,249 He comes highly recommended 625 00:37:19,250 --> 00:37:21,416 - this is a very delicate matter, Mr. Grodd. 626 00:37:21,417 --> 00:37:23,666 It requires a man with special qualities. 627 00:37:23,667 --> 00:37:26,332 You'll not find me lacking in tenacity, madam. 628 00:37:26,333 --> 00:37:28,082 I have trained my body to endure 629 00:37:28,083 --> 00:37:31,124 any level of pain by sheer willpower. 630 00:37:31,125 --> 00:37:34,249 I can place my genitalia into a burning candle flame 631 00:37:34,250 --> 00:37:35,791 without flinching once. 632 00:37:35,792 --> 00:37:38,957 - That's a very useful discipline, 633 00:37:38,958 --> 00:37:41,582 I'm sure, Mr. Grodd, but I don't think we, 634 00:37:41,583 --> 00:37:42,957 we have, no. 635 00:37:42,958 --> 00:37:45,582 - I have a candle here, if you'd like to see. 636 00:37:45,583 --> 00:37:47,207 - No, Mr. Grodd. 637 00:37:47,208 --> 00:37:49,291 Perhaps we could concentrate on the reason 638 00:37:49,292 --> 00:37:50,541 for which we called you in. 639 00:37:50,542 --> 00:37:51,624 - As I comprehend it 640 00:37:51,625 --> 00:37:53,582 you want me to eliminate the prime minister of. 641 00:37:53,583 --> 00:37:55,457 - Mr. Grodd, I, as president of the United States, 642 00:37:55,458 --> 00:37:57,249 have no knowledge whatsoever of whatever it is 643 00:37:57,250 --> 00:37:58,208 I've called you in to do. 644 00:37:58,209 --> 00:37:59,957 - Naturally, madam, I fully understand, 645 00:37:59,958 --> 00:38:01,916 and I've taken the Liberty of drawing up 646 00:38:01,917 --> 00:38:04,749 a provisional plan of operations here. 647 00:38:04,750 --> 00:38:06,332 In approximately three hours, 648 00:38:06,333 --> 00:38:09,666 I and two Cuban agents will board a plane for London, 649 00:38:09,667 --> 00:38:12,874 and check into a small hotel close to whitehall. 650 00:38:12,875 --> 00:38:14,957 At 0900 hours, 651 00:38:14,958 --> 00:38:17,791 we circulate rigged polaroids of the prime minister 652 00:38:17,792 --> 00:38:20,166 performing an unnatural act with a horse. 653 00:38:20,167 --> 00:38:20,958 - Fine. 654 00:38:20,959 --> 00:38:22,874 Mr. Grodd, I think I've heard enough of the details for now. 655 00:38:22,875 --> 00:38:24,374 - As a diversion to the media, 656 00:38:24,375 --> 00:38:26,495 we engineer an outbreak of herpes in the royal family- 657 00:38:27,209 --> 00:38:28,769 - and as soon as her majesty checks in. 658 00:38:41,042 --> 00:38:43,458 I was starting to think this place was deserted. 659 00:38:44,750 --> 00:38:47,166 - Howdy-doody pals 660 00:38:47,167 --> 00:38:51,499 may we remind all vacationers of today's special activities. 661 00:38:51,500 --> 00:38:55,249 Relax and enjoy swimming, running, gymnastics, 662 00:38:55,250 --> 00:38:56,666 and tractor maintenance 663 00:38:56,667 --> 00:38:59,957 with our many smiling instructresses. 664 00:38:59,958 --> 00:39:04,957 Plus tonight in the Malibu ballroom compulsory disco dancing 665 00:39:12,167 --> 00:39:13,957 - Can I help you, gentlemen? 666 00:39:15,083 --> 00:39:16,541 - We're members of the press, 667 00:39:16,542 --> 00:39:20,041 here on an international fact-finding tour in the Caribbean. 668 00:39:20,042 --> 00:39:22,707 Wondering if we could have a room here for a few nights? 669 00:39:22,708 --> 00:39:26,916 - Unfortunately, all of our rooms are completely taken. 670 00:39:26,917 --> 00:39:30,416 We are at the very peak of our tourist season. 671 00:39:38,292 --> 00:39:39,332 - Listen. 672 00:39:39,333 --> 00:39:42,291 I need to make a couple of phone calls. 673 00:39:42,292 --> 00:39:45,082 - I am afraid that we do not have a single telephone 674 00:39:45,083 --> 00:39:46,083 on the island. 675 00:39:48,875 --> 00:39:51,958 Oh, out of order. 676 00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:54,707 All the lines were damaged in the monsoon. 677 00:39:54,708 --> 00:39:55,708 - Monsoon? 678 00:39:55,709 --> 00:39:58,042 - Grain shortage, earthquake. 679 00:39:59,167 --> 00:40:00,167 - Earthquake? 680 00:40:00,168 --> 00:40:02,832 Look... as I said, sir, 681 00:40:02,833 --> 00:40:05,999 this sunshine paradise is very popular 682 00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:08,125 with your American holiday visitors. 683 00:40:09,333 --> 00:40:10,458 Come this way, please. 684 00:40:11,833 --> 00:40:15,375 And this, this is the dining room. 685 00:40:16,875 --> 00:40:18,166 We regret to announce 686 00:40:18,167 --> 00:40:21,957 that all our dining tables are as booked up as can be. 687 00:40:21,958 --> 00:40:23,999 Today's mouthwatering menu, 688 00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:26,750 molotov cocktail, gulag archipelago burger. 689 00:40:30,083 --> 00:40:34,041 - As you can see, we are full right up at the moment. 690 00:40:34,042 --> 00:40:37,582 All the hotels on this booming-trade tourist paradise 691 00:40:37,583 --> 00:40:39,000 are completely booked. 692 00:40:40,083 --> 00:40:42,249 Take a gander, pally. 693 00:40:42,250 --> 00:40:43,083 We regret to announce 694 00:40:43,084 --> 00:40:45,874 there is an 18-month waiting list to use the lavatory. 695 00:40:45,875 --> 00:40:49,624 - We could not fit in a single extra body. 696 00:40:49,625 --> 00:40:53,291 So, as you can see, gentlemen, you have no alternative 697 00:40:53,292 --> 00:40:56,499 but to hire a boat back to the mainland at once. 698 00:40:56,500 --> 00:40:58,624 But please tell all your friends 699 00:40:58,625 --> 00:41:01,458 about our flourishing holiday industry. 700 00:41:01,500 --> 00:41:03,957 The way out is just over there. 701 00:41:03,958 --> 00:41:05,041 We regret to announce 702 00:41:05,042 --> 00:41:07,916 that tonight's beach party and weenie roast 703 00:41:07,917 --> 00:41:10,291 has been cancelled due to an avalanche. 704 00:41:10,292 --> 00:41:11,332 - Thanks a million, kiddo! 705 00:41:11,333 --> 00:41:13,957 And limbo dancing under the roadblocks 706 00:41:13,958 --> 00:41:15,416 is strictly forbidden 707 00:41:15,417 --> 00:41:16,708 thank you. 708 00:41:30,000 --> 00:41:32,166 That's very impressive, Mr. Grodd. 709 00:41:32,167 --> 00:41:33,167 - Thank you, sir. 710 00:41:36,958 --> 00:41:38,500 And now to business, gentlemen. 711 00:41:40,750 --> 00:41:44,791 This is an exact replica of the prime minister's bath oil. 712 00:41:44,792 --> 00:41:46,332 Scratch down the side. 713 00:41:46,333 --> 00:41:47,791 Harrod's price tag. 714 00:41:47,792 --> 00:41:49,791 Worn gold on the cap right here. 715 00:41:49,792 --> 00:41:52,416 We know he uses this every morning. 716 00:41:52,417 --> 00:41:55,416 Tomorrow, things will be a little different. 717 00:41:56,251 --> 00:41:58,749 Concentrated tri oxalic acid. 718 00:41:58,750 --> 00:42:01,167 Dissolves solid steel in 15 seconds. 719 00:42:02,125 --> 00:42:03,958 As soon as he steps into his bathtub. 720 00:42:05,083 --> 00:42:06,917 Like a snowman in a sauna bath 721 00:42:08,042 --> 00:42:09,499 now, the main... 722 00:42:09,500 --> 00:42:11,041 Are you ok? 723 00:42:11,042 --> 00:42:12,042 Excuse me. 724 00:42:14,958 --> 00:42:17,957 - I suppose there's really no other answer. 725 00:42:17,958 --> 00:42:18,958 He's got to go. 726 00:42:20,167 --> 00:42:22,874 - There's no way this operation can fail, Mr. Sumpter. 727 00:42:22,875 --> 00:42:24,749 You have my personal guarantee. 728 00:42:28,708 --> 00:42:29,832 J“ I'll be humming j' 729 00:42:52,833 --> 00:42:54,499 - Ah, Nigel, Michael. 730 00:42:54,500 --> 00:42:55,333 Lovely to see you. 731 00:42:55,334 --> 00:42:56,874 Come on in. 732 00:42:56,875 --> 00:42:59,666 - You're looking surprisingly well, prime minister, 733 00:42:59,667 --> 00:43:01,083 considering the erm. 734 00:43:02,292 --> 00:43:03,916 - Well, I'll live, Nigel. 735 00:43:03,917 --> 00:43:04,917 - Yes. 736 00:43:06,167 --> 00:43:07,125 - What do you think? 737 00:43:07,126 --> 00:43:09,707 Had it done by microsurgery. 738 00:43:09,708 --> 00:43:13,291 British medicine's the finest in the world. 739 00:43:13,292 --> 00:43:14,666 Tell you one thing though. 740 00:43:14,667 --> 00:43:16,874 It's a good job I didn't sit down in that bath. 741 00:43:16,875 --> 00:43:19,082 Ha-ha! 742 00:43:19,083 --> 00:43:19,917 - Yes. 743 00:43:19,918 --> 00:43:21,499 How very lucky that was. 744 00:43:21,500 --> 00:43:23,832 - Can't imagine who'd want to do that sort of thing. 745 00:43:23,833 --> 00:43:25,457 Can you? 746 00:43:25,458 --> 00:43:27,499 Well, I do know one thing. 747 00:43:27,500 --> 00:43:28,667 I'll find out. 748 00:43:30,792 --> 00:43:31,792 Apple? 749 00:43:32,500 --> 00:43:36,124 - I have failed you, gentlemen, but have no fear. 750 00:43:36,125 --> 00:43:38,042 I know exactly what to do now. 751 00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:51,416 - There was something distinctly odd about this place 752 00:43:51,417 --> 00:43:54,666 that I couldn't quite put my finger on. 753 00:43:55,668 --> 00:43:56,958 Careful what you're doing. 754 00:43:58,292 --> 00:44:00,957 Yet, the more I thought about it. 755 00:44:00,958 --> 00:44:04,916 The more a strange theory started to form in my mind. 756 00:44:04,917 --> 00:44:05,917 - Hello again! 757 00:44:07,833 --> 00:44:10,416 Hey, this is Mr. McDonald's, 758 00:44:10,417 --> 00:44:12,624 another genuine vacationer. 759 00:44:12,625 --> 00:44:14,749 This afternoon, Mr. McDonald's 760 00:44:14,750 --> 00:44:17,707 is returning in his private boat to the mainland, 761 00:44:17,708 --> 00:44:20,874 and would be pleased to give you both a ride. 762 00:44:20,875 --> 00:44:22,957 So, thanks a heap, kids. 763 00:44:22,958 --> 00:44:24,875 See you later, alligator. 764 00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:29,875 - On your feet. 765 00:44:29,876 --> 00:44:32,499 We're going to take a little walk. 766 00:44:58,542 --> 00:45:00,542 Come on, give me a hand. 767 00:46:02,750 --> 00:46:04,333 Jesus god almighty! 768 00:46:08,958 --> 00:46:11,082 There was no doubt about it. 769 00:46:11,083 --> 00:46:13,041 This obscure little island was no tourist haven. 770 00:46:13,042 --> 00:46:16,874 It was being used as a Soviet nuclear missile base, 771 00:46:16,875 --> 00:46:18,333 right on america's doorstep. 772 00:46:21,333 --> 00:46:24,375 If this doesn't get me the pulitzer prize, nothing will. 773 00:46:28,417 --> 00:46:30,124 Come on, slim. 774 00:46:30,125 --> 00:46:32,916 Let's move it. 775 00:46:32,917 --> 00:46:35,707 Hey, come on, wake up. 776 00:46:51,042 --> 00:46:53,249 - It's now two weeks since British forces 777 00:46:53,250 --> 00:46:54,624 recaptured Santa Maya, 778 00:46:54,625 --> 00:46:58,999 liberating its population of 750 from maguadoran rule. 779 00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:02,457 And with 48,000 troops now permanently based in the country, 780 00:47:02,458 --> 00:47:04,416 to guard against future attack, 781 00:47:04,417 --> 00:47:05,791 general mosquera appears 782 00:47:05,792 --> 00:47:07,999 finally to have abandoned his designs 783 00:47:08,000 --> 00:47:10,874 on this tiny central American territory. 784 00:47:18,750 --> 00:47:21,457 - You are sure you can secure for us 785 00:47:21,458 --> 00:47:25,249 the services of this man. 786 00:47:25,250 --> 00:47:26,917 Lacrobat, Mr.- 787 00:47:28,208 --> 00:47:29,208 - nebuchadnezzar. 788 00:47:30,542 --> 00:47:32,542 Harrison hindenburg nebuchadnezzar. 789 00:47:33,708 --> 00:47:34,832 Personal management 790 00:47:34,833 --> 00:47:38,417 of the world's leading international terrorists. 791 00:47:39,500 --> 00:47:40,916 Yes. 792 00:47:40,917 --> 00:47:44,041 My client, Mr. Lacrobat, 793 00:47:44,042 --> 00:47:47,957 has many prior commitments at the moment. 794 00:47:47,958 --> 00:47:51,166 However, you tell me what you are proposing, 795 00:47:51,167 --> 00:47:53,957 and I'll tell you whether or not he's available. 796 00:47:53,958 --> 00:47:55,708 - We need his help to get the British 797 00:47:55,750 --> 00:47:57,332 out of Santa Maya quickly, 798 00:47:57,333 --> 00:47:59,832 before our people turn against us. 799 00:47:59,833 --> 00:48:01,499 - Yeah, I see. 800 00:48:01,500 --> 00:48:03,708 You realise, of course, 801 00:48:03,750 --> 00:48:08,207 that Mr. Lacrobat's fees are not inconsiderable? 802 00:48:08,208 --> 00:48:09,708 - The money is no object. 803 00:48:10,625 --> 00:48:13,416 We would sell our grandmothers for such a man. 804 00:48:14,376 --> 00:48:16,208 - Take my grandmother. 805 00:48:27,875 --> 00:48:30,875 - Gentlemen, I think we have a deal. 806 00:48:37,833 --> 00:48:40,291 - With this lacrobat's help, 807 00:48:40,292 --> 00:48:43,791 Santa Maya will once again be ours. 808 00:48:43,792 --> 00:48:47,957 J' soldier boy, don't point that thing at me j' 809 00:48:47,958 --> 00:48:51,541 j“ left and right, we've got to work all night j“ 810 00:48:51,542 --> 00:48:55,166 I my mama never told me I'd be in a fight j' 811 00:48:55,167 --> 00:48:58,666 j' I'd lay down my life, I'd lay down my soul j' 812 00:48:58,667 --> 00:49:01,082 j“ I'd lay down anything I was told I 813 00:49:01,083 --> 00:49:04,792 j' because we're out here I 814 00:49:04,833 --> 00:49:07,999 j' trying hard to do our best I 815 00:49:08,000 --> 00:49:11,957 j' it's pretty plain for all to see j' 816 00:49:11,958 --> 00:49:15,749 j' so, just be careful, soldier boy I 817 00:49:15,750 --> 00:49:19,166 j' don't point that thing, point that thing I 818 00:49:19,167 --> 00:49:22,582 j' point that thing at me j“ 819 00:49:35,667 --> 00:49:39,124 J“ left and right, we've got to work all night j“ 820 00:49:39,125 --> 00:49:42,707 I my mama never told me I'd be in a fight j' 821 00:49:42,708 --> 00:49:46,249 j' I'd lay down my life, I'd lay down my soul j' 822 00:49:46,250 --> 00:49:50,500 j“ I'd lay down anything I was told I 823 00:49:51,917 --> 00:49:54,832 Now here's the man with the mesmer eyes 824 00:50:07,333 --> 00:50:10,082 - Yes, what do you want? 825 00:50:10,083 --> 00:50:12,167 Well, come on, identify yourself. 826 00:50:13,875 --> 00:50:14,875 Right. 827 00:50:16,792 --> 00:50:17,792 Oh, god! 828 00:50:25,083 --> 00:50:26,916 Hi, there. 829 00:50:26,917 --> 00:50:27,917 Looking for me? 830 00:50:30,125 --> 00:50:31,374 Listen 831 00:50:31,375 --> 00:50:35,207 you don't recognise america's greatest illusionist? 832 00:50:35,208 --> 00:50:36,874 Johnny brainiac. 833 00:50:36,875 --> 00:50:37,875 Master of magic 834 00:50:39,125 --> 00:50:40,916 the man who made Hollywood boulevard 835 00:50:40,917 --> 00:50:44,082 vanish beneath a silk handkerchief. 836 00:50:44,083 --> 00:50:46,791 The man who once made the senate foreign relations committee 837 00:50:46,792 --> 00:50:50,666 appear inside a tuna fish salad. 838 00:50:50,667 --> 00:50:54,457 See, I'm here to baffle and bewilder your countrymen 839 00:50:54,458 --> 00:50:58,457 with a small performance from my repertoire. 840 00:50:58,458 --> 00:51:00,124 Now, if you will excuse me, 841 00:51:00,125 --> 00:51:02,624 I've got to go through and set up for my act. 842 00:51:02,625 --> 00:51:04,916 - I can't let you do that, sir. 843 00:51:04,917 --> 00:51:05,917 Othennise. 844 00:51:07,042 --> 00:51:08,333 - Well, what have we here? 845 00:51:14,750 --> 00:51:16,458 My letter of accreditation. 846 00:51:18,833 --> 00:51:21,082 - I'll have to take a look in the truck first. 847 00:51:21,083 --> 00:51:22,249 - Ok. 848 00:51:22,250 --> 00:51:26,375 When I snap my fingers you will become a chicken. 849 00:51:29,833 --> 00:51:32,000 A loud, squawking chicken. 850 00:51:33,667 --> 00:51:36,332 You will be in a real panic. 851 00:51:36,333 --> 00:51:38,666 The whole place will be on fire for you. 852 00:51:38,667 --> 00:51:40,167 Smoke everywhere. 853 00:51:41,792 --> 00:51:44,250 You will suddenly become very sexy. 854 00:51:46,500 --> 00:51:48,832 You will do a striptease. 855 00:51:48,833 --> 00:51:50,708 You will be sensational. 856 00:51:52,583 --> 00:51:53,458 All right. 857 00:51:53,500 --> 00:51:54,666 Are you ready? 858 00:51:54,667 --> 00:51:55,667 Here we go. 859 00:52:00,917 --> 00:52:01,792 - Fire! 860 00:52:01,833 --> 00:52:02,874 There's a fire! 861 00:52:02,875 --> 00:52:04,166 There's a fire! 862 00:52:04,167 --> 00:52:06,250 There's smoke everywhere! 863 00:52:09,458 --> 00:52:10,292 What's he doing. 864 00:52:10,293 --> 00:52:11,332 Fire! 865 00:52:11,333 --> 00:52:14,416 Get the fire team out, there's smoke everywhere! 866 00:52:14,417 --> 00:52:16,583 Fire! 867 00:52:17,875 --> 00:52:18,708 What's he doing? 868 00:52:18,709 --> 00:52:19,791 Fire! 869 00:52:19,792 --> 00:52:22,541 Fire, where are the fire team? 870 00:52:22,542 --> 00:52:23,500 Fire! 871 00:52:23,501 --> 00:52:26,457 Get the fire team out, fire! 872 00:52:27,542 --> 00:52:28,375 - Fire! 873 00:52:28,376 --> 00:52:29,832 - All right, Harry, time for a cup. 874 00:52:29,833 --> 00:52:31,166 Harry? 875 00:52:36,208 --> 00:52:37,791 Sarge! 876 00:52:37,792 --> 00:52:38,958 - Ladies and gentlemen, 877 00:52:39,958 --> 00:52:44,291 for my first trick, I shall require the assistance 878 00:52:44,292 --> 00:52:46,416 of a member of the royal family. 879 00:52:49,167 --> 00:52:50,667 A Princess, perhaps. 880 00:52:52,042 --> 00:52:53,708 - Come along, ma'am. 881 00:52:54,750 --> 00:52:59,750 I'm hopeless! 882 00:53:05,958 --> 00:53:08,832 - Now we have a lovely Princess. 883 00:53:08,833 --> 00:53:11,082 We must have a palace! 884 00:53:19,708 --> 00:53:22,708 If the Princess will join me inside. 885 00:53:27,375 --> 00:53:28,375 One! 886 00:53:29,083 --> 00:53:30,249 - Two! - Stop! 887 00:53:30,250 --> 00:53:31,707 Stop him! 888 00:53:31,708 --> 00:53:33,749 That man's no magician. 889 00:53:33,750 --> 00:53:35,707 Three! 890 00:53:35,708 --> 00:53:36,792 - Oh, my god! 891 00:53:37,708 --> 00:53:40,042 Quick, search that elephant. 892 00:53:41,708 --> 00:53:43,291 - Yes. 893 00:53:43,292 --> 00:53:44,332 Yes, your majesty. 894 00:53:44,333 --> 00:53:47,208 I shall leave no stone unturned. 895 00:53:47,250 --> 00:53:52,250 I'm discharging myself now and assuming complete control. 896 00:53:52,458 --> 00:53:56,167 Whoever is guilty of this heinous atrocity will pay dearly. 897 00:53:57,167 --> 00:53:58,333 You may depend on that. 898 00:54:00,292 --> 00:54:02,082 Since, at the time of the kidnapping, 899 00:54:02,083 --> 00:54:05,124 I was personally indisposed in hospital, 900 00:54:05,125 --> 00:54:08,541 my two cabinet colleagues, Mr. Sumpter and Mr. Lipman, 901 00:54:08,542 --> 00:54:09,958 were technically responsible 902 00:54:10,000 --> 00:54:12,707 for the safety and security of the Princess. 903 00:54:12,708 --> 00:54:16,874 Mr. Sumpter and Mr. Lipman are honourable men, 904 00:54:16,875 --> 00:54:18,541 and within the last 24 hours, 905 00:54:18,542 --> 00:54:20,249 they've each submitted to me 906 00:54:20,250 --> 00:54:23,374 a written request to be publicly crucified, 907 00:54:23,375 --> 00:54:27,082 and with great regret, I've had to accept their requests. 908 00:54:27,083 --> 00:54:29,958 Thank you. 909 00:54:39,500 --> 00:54:43,624 - “An estimated crowd of 100,000 witnessed the event 910 00:54:43,625 --> 00:54:46,541 and throughout the day, all national TV programmes 911 00:54:46,542 --> 00:54:49,875 were blacked out, and replaced with sombre music." 912 00:54:51,458 --> 00:54:53,082 - Well, I guess we sit tight now 913 00:54:53,083 --> 00:54:55,582 and pray he doesn't do anything rash. 914 00:54:55,583 --> 00:54:59,832 - The man just held a public crucifixion at Wembley stadium! 915 00:54:59,833 --> 00:55:02,374 - Well, he certainly has moved to the right politically. 916 00:55:05,542 --> 00:55:10,542 - So, mosquera hired lacrobat to kidnap Wendy. 917 00:55:10,667 --> 00:55:11,749 But why? 918 00:55:11,750 --> 00:55:13,832 And what happens next? 919 00:55:13,833 --> 00:55:14,833 - Excuse me, madam. 920 00:55:16,250 --> 00:55:18,874 - There's a special message for you. 921 00:55:18,875 --> 00:55:20,208 - Yes, well? 922 00:55:20,250 --> 00:55:24,667 - Well it's in the form of a Rambo-gram, madam. 923 00:55:25,708 --> 00:55:26,708 - Excuse me? 924 00:55:27,500 --> 00:55:28,500 - Send him in. 925 00:55:37,542 --> 00:55:39,041 - Ooo. 926 00:55:39,042 --> 00:55:42,957 J' I have for you a message here from Mr. Lacrobat j” 927 00:55:42,958 --> 00:55:47,416 j“ he has sent an ultimatum just to tell you where it's at j' 928 00:55:47,417 --> 00:55:49,874 j' if the British don't pull out their troops j' 929 00:55:51,375 --> 00:55:55,374 j' Princess Wendy will be killed j' 930 00:55:55,375 --> 00:55:56,707 - Marv, get on the phone right now. 931 00:55:56,708 --> 00:56:00,499 J' Princess Wendy will be killed, yeah j“ 932 00:56:00,500 --> 00:56:04,332 j' her head, with lead it will be filled, yeah j' 933 00:56:04,333 --> 00:56:07,624 j' her royal blood, it will be spilled j' 934 00:56:07,625 --> 00:56:12,042 j' if the brits don't shift their ass I 935 00:56:15,542 --> 00:56:20,542 - 84 hours, that's what, Saturday, midnight. 936 00:56:20,958 --> 00:56:23,499 Marv, tear the Caribbean apart. 937 00:56:23,500 --> 00:56:26,082 Drag the north Atlantic, if you have to, but find her. 938 00:56:43,125 --> 00:56:46,457 - Gather round, gather round everyone! 939 00:56:46,458 --> 00:56:47,916 See what I've got here! 940 00:56:47,917 --> 00:56:50,166 Something that will excite your imagination. 941 00:56:50,167 --> 00:56:51,083 Yes, indeed. 942 00:56:51,083 --> 00:56:52,000 Step right up. 943 00:56:52,001 --> 00:56:53,707 I'm sure that you and your partner 944 00:56:53,708 --> 00:56:55,207 will enjoy a thrilling adventure 945 00:56:55,208 --> 00:56:56,042 to excite the furthest fantasies. 946 00:56:56,043 --> 00:56:57,957 - All right, break it up, now, folks. 947 00:56:57,958 --> 00:56:59,082 Come on, move along. 948 00:56:59,083 --> 00:57:00,457 Come on move along 949 00:57:00,458 --> 00:57:02,166 come on, come on, move along there. 950 00:57:02,167 --> 00:57:02,958 Come on. 951 00:57:02,958 --> 00:57:03,833 Thank you, that's it. 952 00:57:03,834 --> 00:57:06,082 Now, come on, move it on, come on. 953 00:57:06,083 --> 00:57:07,874 - Come on, sheriff! 954 00:57:07,875 --> 00:57:10,791 Couldn't you prevail upon them to stay for just a moment? 955 00:57:10,792 --> 00:57:12,291 I still have three more boxes 956 00:57:12,292 --> 00:57:14,750 of whistling condoms to dispense. 957 00:57:15,917 --> 00:57:17,916 - Just what the shit are you messin' at 958 00:57:17,917 --> 00:57:19,624 with this fancy waggon, boy? 959 00:57:19,625 --> 00:57:22,375 We've got a respectable town here, and I ain't. 960 00:57:23,333 --> 00:57:24,457 Whistling condoms? 961 00:57:24,458 --> 00:57:25,874 - That's correct sir. 962 00:57:25,875 --> 00:57:28,707 Dr. Hans janker's whistling condoms 963 00:57:28,708 --> 00:57:30,374 are the very first contraceptives 964 00:57:30,375 --> 00:57:32,707 to play a tune upon ejaculation. 965 00:57:32,708 --> 00:57:35,416 They come in seven different melodies, and so can you. 966 00:57:35,417 --> 00:57:37,666 With "Pedro the fisherman," “sabre dance, “ 967 00:57:37,667 --> 00:57:40,291 we've got "sparky's magic piano," we have "big rock candy." 968 00:57:40,292 --> 00:57:41,250 - All right! 969 00:57:41,251 --> 00:57:42,666 All right. 970 00:57:42,667 --> 00:57:46,082 Now, just who in the hell are you, anyhow? 971 00:57:46,083 --> 00:57:47,999 - February's the name, sir. 972 00:57:48,000 --> 00:57:50,666 Roderick Jesus February. 973 00:57:50,667 --> 00:57:53,416 Mobile suppliers of sexual requisites 974 00:57:53,417 --> 00:57:55,749 in the state of Florida for eight decades. 975 00:57:55,750 --> 00:57:57,291 Ah! 976 00:57:57,292 --> 00:57:59,542 A most discerning choice, sir. 977 00:58:00,500 --> 00:58:01,833 The blow-up sheep. 978 00:58:03,917 --> 00:58:05,208 - Blow-up what? 979 00:58:05,250 --> 00:58:06,332 - It's a brand-new addition 980 00:58:06,333 --> 00:58:09,666 to our wide range of inflatables. 981 00:58:09,667 --> 00:58:12,167 Especially designed for the farming community. 982 00:58:14,458 --> 00:58:16,916 The deluxe model has three holes, 983 00:58:16,917 --> 00:58:19,624 which makes it ideal for parties, 984 00:58:19,625 --> 00:58:22,207 and, of course, if you wish to hear it climax. 985 00:58:30,333 --> 00:58:31,167 Give me your hands. 986 00:58:31,168 --> 00:58:33,457 - Ah, so that's where your tastes lie, huh? 987 00:58:33,458 --> 00:58:35,332 Now, you should have specified. 988 00:58:35,333 --> 00:58:37,249 You see, we are the nation's foremost supplier 989 00:58:37,250 --> 00:58:39,417 of top-quality bondage accoutrements. 990 00:58:41,501 --> 00:58:44,082 As you can see, my beautiful assistant Wendy 991 00:58:44,083 --> 00:58:47,832 is wearing the latest in our corporal restraint collection. 992 00:58:47,833 --> 00:58:50,041 Note how the twin-tied Indian hemp 993 00:58:50,042 --> 00:58:52,707 with triple-bonded padlocks and nipple grips 994 00:58:52,708 --> 00:58:55,166 resist even the fiercest struggle, 995 00:58:55,167 --> 00:58:56,832 while the moulded latex muzzle 996 00:58:56,833 --> 00:58:59,999 is guaranteed three years against teeth bites. 997 00:59:00,000 --> 00:59:01,708 - Holy Gideon! 998 00:59:01,750 --> 00:59:04,749 If I ain't seen enough dirt here to run you in 999 00:59:04,750 --> 00:59:07,374 and throw the whole goddamn book at you, 1000 00:59:07,375 --> 00:59:12,207 my name ain't Maxton s pluck, county sheriff. 1001 00:59:12,208 --> 00:59:16,457 - Now, sheriff, let's not be so hasty, hm? 1002 00:59:16,458 --> 00:59:20,249 I'm sure that we can work out some little arrangement. 1003 00:59:24,083 --> 00:59:27,249 Maxton, this is so unlike you! 1004 00:59:35,000 --> 00:59:36,791 There now follows a special broadcast 1005 00:59:36,792 --> 00:59:38,041 by the prime minister, 1006 00:59:38,042 --> 00:59:40,957 the right honourable sir Mortimer Chris mp 1007 00:59:40,958 --> 00:59:42,291 - good evening. 1008 00:59:42,292 --> 00:59:43,916 Tonight, as I speak to you, 1009 00:59:43,917 --> 00:59:47,333 we face the gravest crisis in our nation's history. 1010 00:59:48,250 --> 00:59:50,499 Tonight our fairy-tale Princess 1011 00:59:50,500 --> 00:59:52,832 is at the mercy of the enemy. 1012 00:59:52,833 --> 00:59:56,874 She whose beauty, charm, and vivacious good humour 1013 00:59:56,875 --> 01:00:00,166 endeared her to millions the world over. 1014 01:00:00,167 --> 01:00:04,499 She who with selfless disregard for her own safety 1015 01:00:04,500 --> 01:00:08,332 joined our gallant forces to fight for freedom 1016 01:00:08,333 --> 01:00:10,666 against a foreign foe 1017 01:00:10,667 --> 01:00:15,667 has been cruelly and savagely prised from our bosom. 1018 01:00:16,917 --> 01:00:19,333 The time has come to act. 1019 01:00:20,375 --> 01:00:23,416 In a situation such as we face today, 1020 01:00:23,417 --> 01:00:25,583 a prime minister has to be resolute. 1021 01:00:26,500 --> 01:00:30,208 But you can't be resolute without showing you're strong, 1022 01:00:30,250 --> 01:00:33,792 and you can't show you're strong without blowing people up. 1023 01:00:34,625 --> 01:00:38,332 General mosquera has threatened to carry out his execution 1024 01:00:38,333 --> 01:00:41,707 at five A.M., our time, on Sunday. 1025 01:00:41,708 --> 01:00:45,832 I shall now respond with an ultimatum of my own. 1026 01:00:45,833 --> 01:00:49,499 Unless her royal highness Princess Wendy is returned to us, 1027 01:00:49,500 --> 01:00:52,749 alive and unharmed, by that time, 1028 01:00:52,750 --> 01:00:54,416 I will have no choice 1029 01:00:54,417 --> 01:00:57,499 but to authorise the use of nuclear weapons 1030 01:00:57,500 --> 01:01:00,541 on the capital city of maguadora. 1031 01:01:00,542 --> 01:01:01,625 It may sound harsh, 1032 01:01:02,667 --> 01:01:05,124 but I'm sure you'll understand. 1033 01:01:05,125 --> 01:01:07,625 There is no alternative. 1034 01:02:02,417 --> 01:02:05,499 - We are in a terrible crisis. 1035 01:02:05,500 --> 01:02:06,874 The British imperialists 1036 01:02:06,875 --> 01:02:10,207 are preparing a nuclear strike on our capital. 1037 01:03:02,292 --> 01:03:04,958 - He has taken the news very badly. 1038 01:03:11,583 --> 01:03:13,874 - Madam president, there are rumours 1039 01:03:13,875 --> 01:03:16,541 circulating around Washington this morning 1040 01:03:16,542 --> 01:03:17,708 that general mosquera 1041 01:03:17,750 --> 01:03:20,541 has just made a military pact with the Soviets, 1042 01:03:20,542 --> 01:03:23,749 and that Russia would now back mosquera against the UK 1043 01:03:23,750 --> 01:03:25,458 in any nuclear exchange. 1044 01:03:25,500 --> 01:03:27,166 - Oh, well! 1045 01:03:27,167 --> 01:03:28,958 I don't know where you heard that. 1046 01:03:29,000 --> 01:03:30,832 - From the chief of the defence staff. 1047 01:03:30,833 --> 01:03:31,792 - Yes, that is correct. 1048 01:03:31,792 --> 01:03:32,792 Yes. 1049 01:03:33,542 --> 01:03:36,457 - And all because one man, this lacrobat, 1050 01:03:36,458 --> 01:03:38,708 not only foiled your attempts to avoid war 1051 01:03:38,750 --> 01:03:39,916 in the first place, 1052 01:03:39,917 --> 01:03:42,916 but is now preparing to assassinate a British Princess 1053 01:03:42,917 --> 01:03:44,874 in 36 hours' time, 1054 01:03:44,875 --> 01:03:47,999 which in turn will trigger a major nuclear disaster 1055 01:03:48,000 --> 01:03:49,499 down in the Caribbean. 1056 01:03:49,500 --> 01:03:51,958 The whole world is asking the question. 1057 01:03:52,000 --> 01:03:53,749 Why haven't you caught this man? 1058 01:03:53,750 --> 01:03:55,249 - Yes, indeed 1059 01:03:55,250 --> 01:03:59,791 and I'm glad to be able to answer that question. 1060 01:03:59,792 --> 01:04:01,457 Basically because I seem to- 1061 01:04:05,583 --> 01:04:06,583 Let me. 1062 01:04:11,626 --> 01:04:13,499 - This is the network news, Washington. 1063 01:04:13,500 --> 01:04:14,417 I'm Dan hickey. 1064 01:04:14,418 --> 01:04:15,499 Good evening. 1065 01:04:15,500 --> 01:04:17,916 Opinion polls in britain show the population 1066 01:04:17,917 --> 01:04:20,499 are oven/vhelmingly behind their government's threat 1067 01:04:20,500 --> 01:04:23,124 to launch a nuclear attack on maguador city, 1068 01:04:23,125 --> 01:04:25,541 unless their favourite royal, Princess Wendy, 1069 01:04:25,542 --> 01:04:28,666 is returned alive and well by midnight, Saturday. 1070 01:04:28,667 --> 01:04:30,624 Opposition leader Mr. Gerald whibley 1071 01:04:30,625 --> 01:04:33,166 did briefly question the prime minister on the decision 1072 01:04:33,167 --> 01:04:35,332 in the house of commons this afternoon, 1073 01:04:35,333 --> 01:04:38,041 and was immediately denounced as a witch. 1074 01:04:38,042 --> 01:04:40,457 Detectives acting on sir Mortimer's instructions 1075 01:04:40,458 --> 01:04:42,957 then Mr. Whibley's house in north London, 1076 01:04:42,958 --> 01:04:46,624 and found a series of broomsticks and a tall, pointed hat. 1077 01:04:46,625 --> 01:04:49,207 President Adams, meanwhile, has dismissed suggestions 1078 01:04:49,208 --> 01:04:52,207 that the Soviet union might launch a retaliatory strike, 1079 01:04:52,208 --> 01:04:53,957 since the Russians have no capacity 1080 01:04:53,958 --> 01:04:56,832 for tactical nuclear exchange in the Caribbean. 1081 01:04:56,833 --> 01:04:58,499 And now the rest of the news. 1082 01:04:58,500 --> 01:05:00,082 The body of an American journalist 1083 01:05:00,083 --> 01:05:02,207 who sailed with the task force to Santa Maya 1084 01:05:02,208 --> 01:05:05,499 was today found floating in the sea off Louisiana. 1085 01:05:05,500 --> 01:05:06,624 How he got there 1086 01:05:06,625 --> 01:05:09,416 and the circumstances of his death remain a mystery. 1087 01:05:09,417 --> 01:05:10,666 Here, get a hold him there. 1088 01:05:10,667 --> 01:05:11,667 Come on. 1089 01:05:14,292 --> 01:05:15,208 Hey! 1090 01:05:15,209 --> 01:05:16,583 Careful what you're doing. 1091 01:05:22,667 --> 01:05:24,499 The more I thought about it, 1092 01:05:24,500 --> 01:05:29,208 the more a strange theory began to form in my mind. 1093 01:05:30,500 --> 01:05:32,499 There was no doubt about it. 1094 01:05:32,500 --> 01:05:36,207 This obscure little island was no tourist haven 1095 01:05:36,208 --> 01:05:39,624 it was being used as a Soviet nuclear missile base 1096 01:05:39,625 --> 01:05:41,583 right here on america's doorstep. 1097 01:05:43,042 --> 01:05:45,374 - Sorry to call you down at this hour, madam, 1098 01:05:45,375 --> 01:05:48,582 but this represents a major escalation of the crisis. 1099 01:05:48,583 --> 01:05:51,666 - A Soviet theatre capability in the Caribbean. 1100 01:05:51,667 --> 01:05:54,082 This could blow the whole thing wide open. 1101 01:05:54,083 --> 01:05:55,207 Did you contact Marv? 1102 01:05:55,208 --> 01:05:56,707 - He said he'd be right down. - Good. 1103 01:05:56,708 --> 01:05:58,624 - Hey, I just heard. 1104 01:05:58,625 --> 01:06:00,832 I think we'll have to lay this on the line for Chris now. 1105 01:06:00,833 --> 01:06:02,249 We only have 25 hours. 1106 01:06:02,250 --> 01:06:04,416 - Bill, have them saddle up air force one. 1107 01:06:04,417 --> 01:06:06,624 I'm flying out to London tonight. 1108 01:06:08,667 --> 01:06:11,374 - I would like an early call at 6:30, please. 1109 01:06:11,375 --> 01:06:13,292 I have to be at the airport. 1110 01:06:14,167 --> 01:06:16,999 Also, I would like croissants and confiture, 1111 01:06:17,000 --> 01:06:19,082 and dark-roasted coffee. 1112 01:06:19,083 --> 01:06:20,874 Just put the luggage in my room, please. 1113 01:06:20,875 --> 01:06:22,374 - Holy shit. 1114 01:06:22,375 --> 01:06:23,375 What is that thing? 1115 01:06:24,583 --> 01:06:26,707 Some kind of gorilla you've got? 1116 01:06:26,708 --> 01:06:28,749 Get that out of here! 1117 01:06:28,750 --> 01:06:29,832 - Uncultured scum. 1118 01:06:29,833 --> 01:06:32,707 This beast is a fine and no... 1119 01:06:32,708 --> 01:06:33,708 Quiet, Princess! 1120 01:06:35,542 --> 01:06:37,458 Let go of me, you fool! 1121 01:06:39,417 --> 01:06:41,916 Now look what you've done. 1122 01:06:41,917 --> 01:06:42,917 You've upset her. 1123 01:06:43,667 --> 01:06:44,500 Listen. 1124 01:06:44,501 --> 01:06:47,374 Once I've given her her valium suppository 1125 01:06:47,375 --> 01:06:49,499 she will be no trouble at all, I assure you. 1126 01:06:49,500 --> 01:06:52,499 - Listen, you ain't bringing no monkey into this hotel. 1127 01:06:52,500 --> 01:06:53,832 - I see. 1128 01:06:53,833 --> 01:06:57,207 And suppose I ask you to reconsider, huh? 1129 01:06:57,208 --> 01:07:02,208 Hmm. 1130 01:07:48,375 --> 01:07:49,666 Send the riot squad and ambulances! 1131 01:07:49,667 --> 01:07:51,416 Kong just escaped! 1132 01:08:10,750 --> 01:08:12,957 The time in London is 6:30 am, 1133 01:08:12,958 --> 01:08:14,351 and we'll be landing in Heathrow airport 1134 01:08:14,375 --> 01:08:16,291 in about 40 minutes from now. 1135 01:08:53,167 --> 01:08:55,417 - I don't know how you can do it. 1136 01:08:56,917 --> 01:08:58,457 - Sorry, sir? 1137 01:08:58,458 --> 01:09:00,457 - I don't know how you can sleep 1138 01:09:00,458 --> 01:09:04,042 when we're only 24 hours away from a nuclear war. 1139 01:09:04,875 --> 01:09:05,875 - Sorry, sir. 1140 01:09:09,375 --> 01:09:10,292 - Christ almighty. 1141 01:09:10,293 --> 01:09:11,333 What are we doing? 1142 01:09:13,542 --> 01:09:15,332 - Just obeying orders, sir. 1143 01:09:15,333 --> 01:09:16,916 - Hello, how are you? 1144 01:09:16,917 --> 01:09:17,750 Very nice to see you. 1145 01:09:17,751 --> 01:09:20,374 - Look this way. - Good trip over? 1146 01:09:20,375 --> 01:09:21,375 Thank you. 1147 01:09:22,167 --> 01:09:23,749 - Thank you. - Yes, yes. 1148 01:09:23,750 --> 01:09:25,957 The Soviet ambassador has made it quite clear 1149 01:09:25,958 --> 01:09:28,957 prime minister, that no way will his government tolerate 1150 01:09:28,958 --> 01:09:31,499 the first use of nuclear weapons. 1151 01:09:31,500 --> 01:09:33,457 The second you release that trident 1152 01:09:33,458 --> 01:09:35,332 on maguador city tomorrow morning, 1153 01:09:35,333 --> 01:09:38,332 they'll let loose with everything they've got! 1154 01:09:38,333 --> 01:09:40,332 They have enough firepower on that island 1155 01:09:40,333 --> 01:09:43,166 to blow your entire fleet to hell and back, 1156 01:09:43,167 --> 01:09:47,124 and then we'll be into a superpower face-off! 1157 01:09:47,125 --> 01:09:49,832 So, surely you can see that nobody's life, 1158 01:09:49,833 --> 01:09:52,457 not even that of a member of the royal family, 1159 01:09:52,458 --> 01:09:55,000 is worth a global holocaust. 1160 01:09:56,042 --> 01:09:59,832 - Well, I'm sorry you feel about it that way, Barbara. 1161 01:09:59,833 --> 01:10:02,082 I never took you for a pinko. 1162 01:10:02,083 --> 01:10:03,957 Obviously I was mistaken 1163 01:10:03,958 --> 01:10:06,499 you see, we in this conservative government 1164 01:10:06,500 --> 01:10:07,832 have always believed 1165 01:10:07,833 --> 01:10:11,124 that it's totally immoral to waste billions of pounds 1166 01:10:11,125 --> 01:10:13,375 on nuclear bombs that are never used. 1167 01:10:14,208 --> 01:10:18,791 - But, where is the sanity in vaporising millions 1168 01:10:18,792 --> 01:10:20,791 of totally innocent people? 1169 01:10:20,792 --> 01:10:23,374 - Well, it shut Japan up, didn't it? 1170 01:10:32,000 --> 01:10:34,332 - It is all a game of bluff, general. 1171 01:10:34,333 --> 01:10:35,791 Nothing more. 1172 01:10:35,792 --> 01:10:37,791 And we hold all the cards. 1173 01:10:37,792 --> 01:10:40,374 It is vital that we stand our ground now. 1174 01:10:40,375 --> 01:10:42,582 - You're right. 1175 01:10:42,583 --> 01:10:44,667 Nuclear war is unthinkable. 1176 01:10:45,500 --> 01:10:49,166 Once it has started no-one can win. 1177 01:10:49,167 --> 01:10:51,332 - Now I know what you're going to say, Barbara. 1178 01:10:51,333 --> 01:10:53,457 Nuclear war is unthinkable, because, 1179 01:10:53,458 --> 01:10:56,374 once it's started, no-one can win. 1180 01:10:56,375 --> 01:10:58,332 Well, you're wrong. 1181 01:10:58,333 --> 01:11:01,542 You see, I've already taken all the precautions necessary 1182 01:11:02,375 --> 01:11:05,957 to protect my people against nuclear attack. 1183 01:11:05,958 --> 01:11:07,374 - Precautions? - Yes. 1184 01:11:07,375 --> 01:11:11,041 Naturally, I've had to keep this all very hush-hush, 1185 01:11:11,042 --> 01:11:13,082 as you'll understand. 1186 01:11:13,083 --> 01:11:15,624 I think I can say that British technology 1187 01:11:15,625 --> 01:11:18,417 has come up with a real winner. 1188 01:11:19,583 --> 01:11:20,667 How about that? 1189 01:11:21,875 --> 01:11:24,332 This provides complete protection 1190 01:11:24,333 --> 01:11:26,624 against thermo-nuclear explosions 1191 01:11:26,625 --> 01:11:28,457 up to 20 megatons. 1192 01:11:28,458 --> 01:11:30,249 And it's very cheap, only costs a pound. 1193 01:11:30,250 --> 01:11:32,957 We've given the contract to a firm in Milton keynes, 1194 01:11:32,958 --> 01:11:35,249 and they're churning them out by the truckload 1195 01:11:35,250 --> 01:11:36,624 even as I speak. 1196 01:11:36,625 --> 01:11:38,667 So, there you have it. 1197 01:11:41,583 --> 01:11:42,583 - But, surely, 1198 01:11:46,042 --> 01:11:47,582 it's just an umbrella? 1199 01:11:56,625 --> 01:11:58,457 - No it's all wrong 1200 01:11:58,458 --> 01:12:01,249 we've got people combing Central America for him. 1201 01:12:01,250 --> 01:12:03,832 That's not the way he operates. 1202 01:12:03,833 --> 01:12:07,207 He gets a real kick out of taunting us. 1203 01:12:07,208 --> 01:12:10,416 We've got to think the way he thinks. 1204 01:12:10,417 --> 01:12:13,249 Now, if you were lacrobat, 1205 01:12:13,250 --> 01:12:15,583 and you'd kidnapped a British Princess, 1206 01:12:16,708 --> 01:12:18,207 where would you hide her? 1207 01:12:29,708 --> 01:12:31,957 You could almost believe it was her. 1208 01:12:31,958 --> 01:12:35,042 - How could anyone want to harm such a darling creature? 1209 01:12:36,500 --> 01:12:37,750 I hope they burn in hell. 1210 01:12:39,208 --> 01:12:40,457 - Come along, ladies. 1211 01:12:40,458 --> 01:12:42,208 We close in 10 minutes. 1212 01:12:53,042 --> 01:12:54,624 With just eight hours to go 1213 01:12:54,625 --> 01:12:56,874 before britain carries out a threatened nuclear strike 1214 01:12:56,875 --> 01:12:58,749 on the capital of maguadora, 1215 01:12:58,750 --> 01:13:00,291 thousands of panicking citizens 1216 01:13:00,292 --> 01:13:02,125 are attempting to flee the city. 1217 01:13:03,292 --> 01:13:05,624 Meanwhile the prime minister took time off today 1218 01:13:05,625 --> 01:13:07,707 to visit the London wax museum 1219 01:13:07,708 --> 01:13:09,582 where his new waxworks image was unveiled... 1220 01:13:11,000 --> 01:13:11,833 - Madam, we've just. 1221 01:13:11,834 --> 01:13:13,167 - The wax museum. 1222 01:13:14,750 --> 01:13:16,624 - Air force one is standing by, madam, 1223 01:13:16,625 --> 01:13:18,082 to return to Washington. 1224 01:13:18,083 --> 01:13:19,249 The way the situation is, 1225 01:13:19,250 --> 01:13:22,416 we've got to get you back to the nuclear shelter. 1226 01:13:22,417 --> 01:13:23,417 - Sure. 1227 01:13:24,708 --> 01:13:26,332 Wax museum? 1228 01:13:26,333 --> 01:13:27,333 No, dumb idea. 1229 01:13:42,125 --> 01:13:45,791 Preparing to release in 57 minutes. 1230 01:13:45,792 --> 01:13:48,041 All officers and men will remain below decks 1231 01:13:48,042 --> 01:13:50,416 until the effects of the airburst have subsided. 1232 01:13:50,417 --> 01:13:53,250 We repeat this is not an exercise. 1233 01:13:54,875 --> 01:13:56,916 - All primed and correct, sir. 1234 01:13:56,917 --> 01:13:58,958 We're ready to go in 57 minutes from now. 1235 01:14:01,167 --> 01:14:03,249 They could still find her, sir, 1236 01:14:03,250 --> 01:14:04,624 with a bit of luck. 1237 01:14:06,792 --> 01:14:09,333 What the world needs now is a miracle. 1238 01:14:27,167 --> 01:14:29,707 He was shot with a 357 Magnum ma'am 1239 01:14:29,708 --> 01:14:31,541 just like the guard lacrobat killed in Santa Maya. 1240 01:14:31,542 --> 01:14:33,291 - That has to be it. 1241 01:15:02,042 --> 01:15:03,792 - All right, my sons! 1242 01:15:24,250 --> 01:15:25,791 All right, my lads. 1243 01:15:25,792 --> 01:15:27,624 Now, we know lacrobat's in this building, 1244 01:15:27,625 --> 01:15:29,291 and he's got the Princess. 1245 01:15:29,292 --> 01:15:30,999 Dennis, the grappling irons. 1246 01:15:31,000 --> 01:15:33,499 Desmond, the heavy-duty grenades. 1247 01:15:33,500 --> 01:15:35,333 Duncan, the land mines. 1248 01:15:36,333 --> 01:15:39,208 Desmond, put your fucking tiara on straight. 1249 01:15:39,250 --> 01:15:40,042 Right. 1250 01:15:40,083 --> 01:15:40,875 Once you get inside. 1251 01:15:40,917 --> 01:15:42,416 - Please sarge, can I bring the tiger? 1252 01:15:42,417 --> 01:15:44,624 - No, you can't bring the fucking tiger, Donald! 1253 01:15:44,625 --> 01:15:46,124 It's more trouble than it's worth. 1254 01:15:46,125 --> 01:15:47,416 You leave it in the Van. 1255 01:15:48,667 --> 01:15:49,583 Right. 1256 01:15:49,584 --> 01:15:50,874 All those in camouflage, 1257 01:15:50,875 --> 01:15:54,124 take up positions inconspicuously all over the building. 1258 01:15:54,125 --> 01:15:58,374 If you see anything suspicious, contact me by radio. 1259 01:15:58,375 --> 01:15:59,375 Go! 1260 01:16:00,292 --> 01:16:03,124 Everybody else, come with me to the royal gallery, 1261 01:16:03,125 --> 01:16:04,958 where we have reason to believe Princess Wendy 1262 01:16:05,000 --> 01:16:07,582 has been placed in a comatose condition. 1263 01:16:07,583 --> 01:16:08,417 Ok. 1264 01:16:08,417 --> 01:16:09,417 Now, then. 1265 01:16:10,458 --> 01:16:11,541 Are there any questions? 1266 01:16:11,542 --> 01:16:13,332 - Where do babies come from? 1267 01:16:21,167 --> 01:16:22,499 Community policing! 1268 01:16:22,500 --> 01:16:25,041 Desmond, check for unexploded bombs. 1269 01:16:25,042 --> 01:16:27,082 Donald, make those fucking pictures safe! 1270 01:16:27,083 --> 01:16:29,207 Dougy, you vandalise the doors to the lavatory. 1271 01:16:29,208 --> 01:16:32,832 Good, good, good. 1272 01:16:37,083 --> 01:16:42,208 All right, my boys. 1273 01:16:43,708 --> 01:16:45,042 Dennis, the bag. 1274 01:16:47,458 --> 01:16:48,292 Right. 1275 01:16:48,293 --> 01:16:49,624 First of all, I want everybody. 1276 01:16:49,625 --> 01:16:52,332 - Please, sarge, my foot's stuck. 1277 01:16:52,333 --> 01:16:54,208 - Oh, Christ! 1278 01:16:54,250 --> 01:16:55,332 Who's got the saw? 1279 01:16:55,333 --> 01:16:56,250 - Here, sarge. 1280 01:16:56,250 --> 01:16:57,083 - All right. 1281 01:16:57,083 --> 01:16:58,083 Off you go. 1282 01:16:58,875 --> 01:16:59,708 Right. 1283 01:16:59,709 --> 01:17:01,332 We've made it into the foyer. 1284 01:17:01,333 --> 01:17:02,374 - Please, sarge. 1285 01:17:02,375 --> 01:17:03,667 How do we get tickets? 1286 01:17:05,833 --> 01:17:07,375 - What did you say, Douglas? 1287 01:17:08,250 --> 01:17:09,667 - How do we get tickets? 1288 01:17:12,167 --> 01:17:13,083 - What the fuck are you talking about? 1289 01:17:13,084 --> 01:17:15,666 "How do we get tickets?" 1290 01:17:15,667 --> 01:17:17,167 We're the fucking sas! 1291 01:17:18,167 --> 01:17:21,167 Use your sten gun and break into the kiosk, for fuck's sake! 1292 01:17:22,333 --> 01:17:23,999 Go! 1293 01:17:26,417 --> 01:17:31,417 Fire! 1294 01:17:32,000 --> 01:17:34,166 You're a bastard! 1295 01:17:34,167 --> 01:17:36,874 You're a bastard. 1296 01:17:40,333 --> 01:17:41,874 All right, listen up. 1297 01:17:41,875 --> 01:17:43,916 Stop! 1298 01:17:43,917 --> 01:17:44,917 Douglas, go! 1299 01:17:45,917 --> 01:17:47,917 All right my lads, here we go 1300 01:17:51,167 --> 01:17:52,374 thanks, Doug. 1301 01:17:54,208 --> 01:17:55,791 Go, go, go. 1302 01:17:55,792 --> 01:17:57,291 Go, go, go, go, go! 1303 01:17:57,292 --> 01:17:58,125 Good. 1304 01:17:58,125 --> 01:17:59,125 Very nice. 1305 01:17:59,875 --> 01:18:01,707 All right, my lads. 1306 01:18:01,708 --> 01:18:03,000 If we're all ready. 1307 01:18:04,542 --> 01:18:06,332 Donald, you stupid fucking prick! 1308 01:18:06,333 --> 01:18:08,207 I meant saw the door off. 1309 01:18:08,208 --> 01:18:09,332 Christ almighty. 1310 01:18:09,333 --> 01:18:10,582 What a wanker! 1311 01:18:10,583 --> 01:18:12,041 - Sorry, sarge. 1312 01:18:12,042 --> 01:18:13,042 - Right, my lads. 1313 01:18:14,125 --> 01:18:16,707 Now, the three main things to remember here 1314 01:18:16,708 --> 01:18:19,458 are vigilance, caution and accuracy. 1315 01:18:20,958 --> 01:18:24,666 What are vigilance, caution and accuracy the three main? 1316 01:18:24,667 --> 01:18:26,292 Things to remember. 1317 01:18:27,500 --> 01:18:28,707 - Right, my lads. 1318 01:18:28,708 --> 01:18:30,082 You all got tickets? 1319 01:18:30,083 --> 01:18:30,917 Yeah! 1320 01:18:30,917 --> 01:18:31,750 - Right, then. 1321 01:18:31,751 --> 01:18:32,917 Into the lift. 1322 01:18:36,875 --> 01:18:38,416 Dinsdale. 1323 01:18:38,417 --> 01:18:40,249 Open the fucking doors! 1324 01:18:40,250 --> 01:18:42,374 They're jammed on the inside sarge. 1325 01:18:42,375 --> 01:18:44,208 - He says they're jammed on the inside. 1326 01:18:44,250 --> 01:18:45,291 All right, my lads! 1327 01:19:00,458 --> 01:19:01,542 You bastards! 1328 01:19:03,458 --> 01:19:06,375 You callous, brutal bastards! 1329 01:19:07,792 --> 01:19:09,667 He was the best man at my wedding. 1330 01:19:11,042 --> 01:19:12,208 - He's dead now, sarge. 1331 01:19:13,250 --> 01:19:14,874 - I know he's dead now, Douglas! 1332 01:19:14,875 --> 01:19:18,457 I can spot a fucking stiff when it falls out of a lift. 1333 01:19:18,458 --> 01:19:20,541 Christ ai-fucking-mighty! 1334 01:19:31,333 --> 01:19:32,791 Right, let's go. 1335 01:19:32,792 --> 01:19:34,749 Go, go, go, go. 1336 01:19:34,750 --> 01:19:36,041 Go, in the lift. 1337 01:19:36,042 --> 01:19:37,042 Go, go, up! 1338 01:19:41,917 --> 01:19:42,750 All right. 1339 01:19:42,751 --> 01:19:44,749 The ram. 1340 01:19:46,292 --> 01:19:47,292 Go! 1341 01:19:54,208 --> 01:19:55,042 Push them all. 1342 01:19:55,043 --> 01:19:57,041 Push them in the fucking lift! 1343 01:19:57,042 --> 01:19:58,541 Keep pushing, Douglas. 1344 01:19:59,376 --> 01:20:00,624 Push them in Douglas. 1345 01:20:00,625 --> 01:20:01,625 Do what I'm telling you. 1346 01:20:38,042 --> 01:20:41,207 - Tinkerbell's floral wonderland. 1347 01:20:48,250 --> 01:20:50,749 Daryl, Damien, get Princess Wendy 1348 01:20:50,750 --> 01:20:51,874 get her, come on. 1349 01:20:51,875 --> 01:20:52,875 - There she is. 1350 01:20:55,667 --> 01:20:56,667 Got her, sarge. 1351 01:20:59,708 --> 01:21:01,541 - The fate of the world is at stake. 1352 01:21:01,542 --> 01:21:04,166 Use subtlety and discretion wherever possible. 1353 01:21:04,167 --> 01:21:05,207 Leave him alone. 1354 01:21:05,208 --> 01:21:07,124 Think it through my boys. 1355 01:21:07,125 --> 01:21:08,625 All right my sons. 1356 01:21:34,125 --> 01:21:35,541 So that's theirs 1357 01:21:35,542 --> 01:21:36,958 that's George vi. 1358 01:21:41,208 --> 01:21:42,957 That's, 1359 01:21:42,958 --> 01:21:45,292 that's archduke ferdinand. 1360 01:21:48,208 --> 01:21:49,332 That's Desmond. 1361 01:21:49,333 --> 01:21:50,333 That's ours. 1362 01:21:51,667 --> 01:21:54,082 And that's haile selassie. 1363 01:21:54,083 --> 01:21:55,917 - No, that's denzil, sarge. 1364 01:21:57,042 --> 01:21:57,917 - Oh, yeah, so it is. 1365 01:21:57,918 --> 01:21:59,541 He's had his hair cut! 1366 01:22:01,292 --> 01:22:02,125 Right. 1367 01:22:02,126 --> 01:22:03,582 How many does that make? 1368 01:22:03,583 --> 01:22:07,582 - We lost 11 men but the dummies lost 28! 1369 01:22:09,667 --> 01:22:11,833 - And what about lacrobat? 1370 01:22:12,792 --> 01:22:13,625 - I didn't see him. 1371 01:22:13,626 --> 01:22:16,041 - I don't think he was here, was he, lads? 1372 01:22:16,042 --> 01:22:18,041 - Didn't see him nowhere, sarge. 1373 01:22:18,042 --> 01:22:19,042 - Me too. 1374 01:22:20,542 --> 01:22:22,292 - He must have been somewhere else. 1375 01:22:27,042 --> 01:22:29,542 - You fucking bunch of dickheads! 1376 01:22:30,500 --> 01:22:31,292 You mean to say 1377 01:22:31,333 --> 01:22:35,125 we lost 11 men, fighting a group of waxworks? 1378 01:22:36,167 --> 01:22:37,667 I don't fucking believe it! 1379 01:22:38,792 --> 01:22:42,166 Anyway, the main thing is, we got her out safely, 1380 01:22:42,167 --> 01:22:43,457 before he had a chance to... 1381 01:22:46,000 --> 01:22:47,375 - It's a wax dummy. 1382 01:22:48,875 --> 01:22:49,999 - Yes, I can see that, Dominic. 1383 01:22:50,000 --> 01:22:52,332 I didn't think it was a seven-foot-long bogey. 1384 01:22:52,333 --> 01:22:54,957 - Oh, denzil's had his hair cut. 1385 01:22:54,958 --> 01:22:58,416 - Yes. 1386 01:22:58,417 --> 01:23:00,041 - Here sarge, 1387 01:23:00,042 --> 01:23:02,832 I think we're picking up something on the bomb detector. 1388 01:23:42,708 --> 01:23:43,708 - Don't move anybody 1389 01:23:47,208 --> 01:23:49,792 everybody absolutely still. 1390 01:23:52,000 --> 01:23:53,333 Get the bomb-disposal guys. 1391 01:24:28,417 --> 01:24:29,333 Right. 1392 01:24:29,334 --> 01:24:31,499 We have got nine minutes! 1393 01:24:31,500 --> 01:24:32,333 Right. 1394 01:24:32,334 --> 01:24:34,249 Donald and Darryl, get her outside to the Van. 1395 01:24:34,250 --> 01:24:35,666 Quick. 1396 01:24:35,667 --> 01:24:37,249 Douglas, stick their heads in a sack 1397 01:24:37,250 --> 01:24:39,207 and get them posted back to their widows. 1398 01:24:39,208 --> 01:24:41,917 And get the addresses right this time. 1399 01:24:41,958 --> 01:24:45,458 And somebody get all this mess cleared up. 1400 01:24:55,417 --> 01:24:57,667 - I think she's ok, Darryl. 1401 01:24:58,833 --> 01:25:00,499 I think she's coming round now. 1402 01:25:00,500 --> 01:25:01,791 Darryl? 1403 01:25:01,792 --> 01:25:03,249 What the fuck are you? 1404 01:25:41,750 --> 01:25:44,041 - Donald, if I've told you about that fucking thing once, 1405 01:25:44,042 --> 01:25:46,500 I've told you a thousand fucking times! 1406 01:25:51,083 --> 01:25:52,083 - All finished, sarge. 1407 01:25:53,458 --> 01:25:54,292 - There we go. 1408 01:25:54,293 --> 01:25:55,416 - One for you. - Thank you sir. 1409 01:25:55,417 --> 01:25:56,874 - One for you. 1410 01:25:56,875 --> 01:25:58,207 And what about you, little girl? 1411 01:25:58,208 --> 01:26:00,124 Would you like one of these to keep off 1412 01:26:00,125 --> 01:26:02,541 that nasty old mushroom cloud? 1413 01:26:02,542 --> 01:26:04,541 Yes, of course you would. 1414 01:26:04,542 --> 01:26:07,249 You promise to vote conservative when you grow up? 1415 01:26:07,250 --> 01:26:08,083 - Yes. 1416 01:26:08,084 --> 01:26:09,374 - Good little girl. 1417 01:26:09,375 --> 01:26:11,291 Now, then, let's see. 1418 01:26:11,292 --> 01:26:13,416 How did you vote last time? 1419 01:26:13,417 --> 01:26:14,250 Liberal party. 1420 01:26:14,251 --> 01:26:15,291 Oh, dear, what a shame. 1421 01:26:15,292 --> 01:26:17,082 Never mind, never mind, never mind. 1422 01:26:17,918 --> 01:26:20,375 These look like a nice conservative family. 1423 01:26:20,417 --> 01:26:22,166 Good morning to you all. 1424 01:26:22,167 --> 01:26:23,874 Just take one of those. 1425 01:26:23,875 --> 01:26:27,207 What you do is stick it up, sit underneath, 1426 01:26:27,208 --> 01:26:29,082 and then you'll be as right as ninepence. 1427 01:26:29,083 --> 01:26:30,083 All right? 1428 01:26:30,084 --> 01:26:32,124 Now, some more over here, aren't there? 1429 01:26:32,125 --> 01:26:33,957 Yes, this is veryjolly, isn't it? 1430 01:26:33,958 --> 01:26:35,666 Hello, good morning. 1431 01:26:35,667 --> 01:26:37,125 Got your umbrellas for you. 1432 01:26:38,500 --> 01:26:39,624 Very simple to use. 1433 01:26:39,625 --> 01:26:42,375 Just stick it up in the air, and. 1434 01:26:44,208 --> 01:26:45,707 Aren't these lovely little things? 1435 01:26:45,708 --> 01:26:47,707 So simple, yet so effective. 1436 01:26:56,833 --> 01:26:58,791 - Well, where in hell is he? 1437 01:26:58,792 --> 01:26:59,625 I don't care. 1438 01:26:59,626 --> 01:27:00,916 Put me through! 1439 01:27:15,458 --> 01:27:16,666 - Understood. 1440 01:27:16,667 --> 01:27:21,667 Aye-aye, sir. 1441 01:27:36,125 --> 01:27:38,832 - She's safe, prime minister! 1442 01:27:38,833 --> 01:27:40,707 They found herjust a few minutes ago. 1443 01:27:40,708 --> 01:27:43,207 She's alive and safe. 1444 01:27:43,208 --> 01:27:46,041 You can call off the nuclear attack. 1445 01:27:47,083 --> 01:27:48,083 I'm sorry. 1446 01:27:52,042 --> 01:27:53,292 - Sir Mortimer. 1447 01:27:55,250 --> 01:27:56,749 Did you hear me? 1448 01:27:56,750 --> 01:27:58,749 - It's no good. 1449 01:27:58,750 --> 01:27:59,916 I, I can't. 1450 01:27:59,917 --> 01:28:01,166 I can't hear a thing. 1451 01:28:02,001 --> 01:28:04,333 - Yes, I'll have to hang up. 1452 01:28:07,917 --> 01:28:09,957 - Switch me through to the commander of the task force 1453 01:28:09,958 --> 01:28:11,666 in Santa Maya. 1454 01:28:11,667 --> 01:28:12,958 Christ almighty! 1455 01:28:31,125 --> 01:28:32,416 Hold everything! 1456 01:28:32,417 --> 01:28:33,583 Do you hear me? 1457 01:28:34,500 --> 01:28:37,708 This is president Adams speaking from air force one. 1458 01:28:37,750 --> 01:28:40,749 We have found Princess Wendy. 1459 01:28:40,750 --> 01:28:43,291 Do not fire the missile. 1460 01:28:43,292 --> 01:28:45,041 Do you hear me? 1461 01:28:45,042 --> 01:28:46,625 The crisis is over. 1462 01:28:49,917 --> 01:28:51,667 - Sir, what do we do? 1463 01:28:53,208 --> 01:28:55,582 What do I tell them, sir? 1464 01:28:55,583 --> 01:28:58,207 Sir, what do I tell them? 1465 01:29:01,417 --> 01:29:02,417 - Fire! 1466 01:29:11,125 --> 01:29:12,541 J' just when you thought j“ 1467 01:29:12,542 --> 01:29:14,499 j' you were having fun j“ 1468 01:29:14,500 --> 01:29:17,541 j' just when your song got to number one j' 1469 01:29:17,542 --> 01:29:20,457 j' just when your girl said, you're my man j' 1470 01:29:20,458 --> 01:29:21,999 I and you said, wow j' 1471 01:29:22,000 --> 01:29:23,957 j' I'm having a great time j' 1472 01:29:23,958 --> 01:29:26,791 j' hold me tight, time is precious j' 1473 01:29:26,792 --> 01:29:29,707 j' love and success are both infectious j' 1474 01:29:29,708 --> 01:29:33,332 j' for crying out loud, did something hit us j' 1475 01:29:33,333 --> 01:29:35,832 j“ I think they're out to get us j' 1476 01:29:35,833 --> 01:29:43,833 j' whoops apocalypse j“ 1477 01:29:47,958 --> 01:29:50,957 j” the light's still on and the fire's still burning j” 1478 01:29:50,958 --> 01:29:54,374 j” the paint's still wet and you're still waiting I 1479 01:29:54,375 --> 01:29:56,957 j' guess the times are really changing j' 1480 01:29:56,958 --> 01:30:00,666 I and you say, what on earth is happening j' 1481 01:30:00,667 --> 01:30:03,082 j“ I forgot the umbrella j' 1482 01:30:03,083 --> 01:30:06,582 I that kept me warm and gave me shelter j' 1483 01:30:06,583 --> 01:30:09,832 j' so why don't I feel much better j' 1484 01:30:09,833 --> 01:30:12,332 j“ this dream becomes a nightmare j' 1485 01:30:12,333 --> 01:30:20,333 j' whoops apocalypse j“ 1486 01:31:10,458 --> 01:31:13,207 J“ now the flame is hypnotic j' 1487 01:31:13,208 --> 01:31:16,207 j” the beat becomes metronomic j' 1488 01:31:16,208 --> 01:31:19,207 j' the politics are schizophrenic j' 1489 01:31:19,208 --> 01:31:22,749 I so why am I optimistic j' 1490 01:31:22,750 --> 01:31:25,582 j“ do I really have to be here I 1491 01:31:25,583 --> 01:31:28,749 j' the Princess smiles she's got her answer I 1492 01:31:28,750 --> 01:31:31,457 j' puts her head upon my shoulder j“ 1493 01:31:31,458 --> 01:31:34,541 j“ and from now on things will be better j' 1494 01:31:34,542 --> 01:31:42,542 j' whoops apocalypse j“ 1495 01:32:00,458 --> 01:32:02,542 J' whoops j'