1
00:00:45,070 --> 00:00:50,589
A handgun bullet travels at
more than 700 miles per hour.

2
00:00:51,389 --> 00:00:55,468
Hey, woah,
absolutely not. No.

3
00:00:55,468 --> 00:01:00,099
Look, if you don't wanna do
it, you don't have to do it.

4
00:01:00,099 --> 00:01:03,307
- Okay, good, I don't want to do it.
- Fine.

5
00:01:05,387 --> 00:01:07,546
Goddamn!

6
00:01:07,546 --> 00:01:10,186
I'm alive!

7
00:01:10,186 --> 00:01:12,505
That's amazing!

8
00:01:12,505 --> 00:01:16,465
I know, right?
So...

9
00:01:18,344 --> 00:01:21,903
- You ready to go again?
- Absolutely not.

10
00:01:22,463 --> 00:01:23,784
Fine.

11
00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:27,743
Don't just say "fine", and then shoot
me in the chest. 'Cause it's not cool.

12
00:01:27,743 --> 00:01:29,343
Like, at all.

13
00:01:29,343 --> 00:01:30,783
Okay! Jeez.

14
00:01:35,142 --> 00:01:39,501
. : KICK - A S S 2 : .

15
00:01:39,501 --> 00:01:43,340
I always wondered why no one
tried to be a superhero before me.

16
00:01:43,340 --> 00:01:46,699
It turns out somebody had.
Mindy Macready.

17
00:01:46,699 --> 00:01:52,098
After her dad died, his old partner on
the force, Marcus, became her guardian.

18
00:01:52,938 --> 00:01:54,899
- Nice backpack.
-Thanks.

19
00:01:54,899 --> 00:01:57,058
Steal it from a
six-year old?

20
00:01:57,058 --> 00:01:59,418
Marcus dropped her
off everyday.

21
00:01:59,418 --> 00:02:02,977
And as soon as he was gone,
so was she.

22
00:02:03,817 --> 00:02:06,456
No one in school found out 'cause
she hacked into the server

23
00:02:06,456 --> 00:02:09,577
and gave herself the
award for perfect attendance.

24
00:02:09,577 --> 00:02:13,415
Hit-Girl and Big Daddy
had been the real deal.

25
00:02:13,415 --> 00:02:18,455
Mindy was gonna keep wearing the mask,
as long as there are criminals to take down.

26
00:02:19,975 --> 00:02:23,853
But no matter how many drug
dealers she's stopped...

27
00:02:23,853 --> 00:02:26,373
She couldn't stop
feeling alone.

28
00:02:27,213 --> 00:02:31,333
Me? I've given up being a superhero
'cause it was way too dangerous.

29
00:02:31,333 --> 00:02:34,092
The only problem?
I was dying of boredom.

30
00:02:34,092 --> 00:02:37,532
Like most high school seniors, I had
no idea what I wanted to do with my life.

31
00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:40,011
Hell, I didn't know what
channel I wanted to watch.

32
00:02:40,011 --> 00:02:43,049
It's just TV, Dave, not peace
in the middle east.

33
00:02:43,049 --> 00:02:44,969
My best friends Todd
and Marty have no clue

34
00:02:44,969 --> 00:02:47,049
I was the first superhero
to go public.

35
00:02:47,049 --> 00:02:49,050
Did you guys watch
Spider-Man last night?

36
00:02:49,050 --> 00:02:52,729
- Is it weird that Aunt May gets me kinda hard?
- Not if you're a granny slammer.

37
00:02:52,729 --> 00:02:56,728
They may wear costumes but it isn't Halloween.
They're real life superheroes.

38
00:02:56,728 --> 00:03:00,648
In the two years since the first ordinary
citizens donned capes and masks,

39
00:03:00,648 --> 00:03:02,807
the movement has
started to spread.

40
00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:04,967
I became a superhero
because of Kick-Ass.

41
00:03:04,967 --> 00:03:08,646
Yeah, you just come home from work,
you grab your gear and you go out on patrol.

42
00:03:08,646 --> 00:03:10,846
Help us make
the streets safe.

43
00:03:10,846 --> 00:03:13,805
I inspired all those people
to get off their asses.

44
00:03:13,805 --> 00:03:15,805
And now I was
stuck on mine.

45
00:03:15,805 --> 00:03:20,404
So that night after dinner, I
decided to get my own costume out.

46
00:03:21,924 --> 00:03:24,803
- I'm sorry.
- Woah! Can't you knock?

47
00:03:24,803 --> 00:03:29,562
- Y'know, buddy, it's perfectly normal for you to touch yourself.
- Jesus, Dad, get out!

48
00:03:30,563 --> 00:03:35,641
If I was even thinking about a
Kick-Ass sequel, I had to get serious.

49
00:03:36,481 --> 00:03:37,281
Hey!

50
00:03:37,281 --> 00:03:39,321
Hey, can we chat?

51
00:03:39,321 --> 00:03:40,801
Please, Mindy.

52
00:03:40,801 --> 00:03:44,520
Get in the cab. The
meter's running.

53
00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:48,359
I wanna team up,
like Batman and Robin.

54
00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:52,679
- Nobody wants to be Robin.
- What's wrong with Robin?

55
00:03:52,679 --> 00:03:56,358
- Weren't you like Big Daddy's Robin?
- Robin wishes he was me.

56
00:03:56,358 --> 00:04:00,878
What I'm trying to say is, we should be
partners. You and me, like the Dynamic Duo.

57
00:04:00,878 --> 00:04:06,076
- I'm in the NFL, Dave. You play B-League.
- So, train me.

58
00:04:06,076 --> 00:04:10,876
I wanna walk the walk, and you're the
closest thing I know to a real superhero.

59
00:04:10,876 --> 00:04:14,276
Aren't you tired of
being on your own?

60
00:04:14,276 --> 00:04:17,755
Don't you wanna know
someone's there for you?

61
00:04:17,755 --> 00:04:21,034
Someone who's
got your back.

62
00:04:26,073 --> 00:04:30,073
- And you'll do anything I say.
- Anything.

63
00:04:30,073 --> 00:04:31,873
Hit me.

64
00:04:31,873 --> 00:04:34,192
You're a fifteen-
year-old girl---

65
00:04:34,792 --> 00:04:36,551
What the hell?

66
00:04:36,551 --> 00:04:39,711
Act like a bitch,
get slapped like a bitch.

67
00:04:45,151 --> 00:04:45,871
Oh, God.

68
00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:51,749
Mindy beat me like morning wood,
every day for three weeks.

69
00:04:51,749 --> 00:04:53,549
Come on, guard up!
Left, right.

70
00:04:53,549 --> 00:04:55,349
Guard up!

71
00:04:58,748 --> 00:05:02,827
Even with my damaged nerve
endings, it hurt like hell.

72
00:05:03,307 --> 00:05:07,546
In a weird way, I kinda liked it.
It gave me a sense of purpose.

73
00:05:07,546 --> 00:05:09,506
- What's happened to your face?
- Nothing.

74
00:05:09,506 --> 00:05:12,826
Like we were driving
towards something.

75
00:05:14,506 --> 00:05:16,185
That's amazing!

76
00:05:16,944 --> 00:05:20,025
All the other people putting on
masks were just playing superhero.

77
00:05:20,025 --> 00:05:22,704
We were training
to really do it.

78
00:05:22,704 --> 00:05:25,943
I couldn't tell my girlfriend
Katie, or Marty and Todd.

79
00:05:25,943 --> 00:05:28,903
But I didn't care. We're
having too much fun.

80
00:05:29,422 --> 00:05:31,663
Left, right, left.

81
00:05:36,142 --> 00:05:39,301
Our own superhero team.

82
00:05:40,460 --> 00:05:43,100
This is gonna
be balls.

83
00:05:45,980 --> 00:05:49,099
What the hell, mom? Did
you delete the news off the DVR?

84
00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:53,019
- Yes, yes, I did, Christopher.
- That was the one with Kick-Ass!

85
00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:57,217
Christopher, you've got to stop
obsessing over this superhero!

86
00:05:57,217 --> 00:05:59,817
He's not a superhero,
Mom. He's a murderer.

87
00:05:59,817 --> 00:06:02,137
He blew up Dad with a bazooka,
for fuck's sake!

88
00:06:02,137 --> 00:06:04,137
Your father died
in a fire.

89
00:06:04,137 --> 00:06:06,857
A fire?
What is your problem?

90
00:06:06,857 --> 00:06:09,016
You! You are
my problem.

91
00:06:09,016 --> 00:06:13,216
I am trying to raise you
to be a, a normal boy.

92
00:06:13,216 --> 00:06:16,975
That's why we moved to Long Island
after your father's accident.

93
00:06:16,975 --> 00:06:20,494
A bazooka is not an accident,
you delusional bitch.

94
00:06:20,494 --> 00:06:25,453
- This conversation, is over.
- Great! Then I'm leaving.

95
00:06:26,693 --> 00:06:28,413
Come on, Javier,
be cool.

96
00:06:28,413 --> 00:06:31,853
Sorry, Chris, but your mom
pays me not to be cool.

97
00:06:35,212 --> 00:06:39,211
I hate you! You home-school
me like I'm a prisoner!

98
00:06:39,211 --> 00:06:42,131
You threw away my
Red Mist costume, God!

99
00:06:42,131 --> 00:06:47,969
I am not the problem, you are!
I-wish-you-were-dead!

100
00:06:53,329 --> 00:06:54,329
Mommy?

101
00:07:00,648 --> 00:07:03,127
- Don't touch that.
- I'm sorry, what is it?

102
00:07:03,127 --> 00:07:07,526
It's a last resort. Like, if all else
fails and you're about to die.

103
00:07:11,285 --> 00:07:14,045
Are you not
scared? To die?

104
00:07:14,045 --> 00:07:16,485
Are you scared you're never gonna
grow into your big boy pants?

105
00:07:16,485 --> 00:07:20,283
I'm serious. What if Spider-Man or Batman
got killed one night? It could happen.

106
00:07:20,283 --> 00:07:24,484
If you're scared of dying, one thing
is certain. You are going to die.

107
00:07:25,284 --> 00:07:28,003
My Daddy was never
afraid of dying.

108
00:07:28,643 --> 00:07:30,842
Look where that
got him.

109
00:07:30,842 --> 00:07:34,722
He knew he might have to make
the ultimate sacrifice one day.

110
00:07:35,762 --> 00:07:39,880
And that's why he made me promise
I'd never stop defending this city.

111
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,681
Cross my heart.

112
00:07:43,961 --> 00:07:45,840
Hope to die.

113
00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:52,079
Your dad was insane.
You know that, right?

114
00:07:52,079 --> 00:07:57,038
You're wrong, Dave. My Daddy
was the first real superhero.

115
00:07:57,038 --> 00:08:01,398
Not you or Red Mist.
It was my Daddy.

116
00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:04,997
And it was an honor to
serve by his side.

117
00:08:15,555 --> 00:08:18,435
- Hey, Mind, how was school?
- Super crazy.

118
00:08:18,435 --> 00:08:23,113
Miss Mullins was out today so we had
Mr. Cooper teach us Biology. Such a grump.....

119
00:08:23,113 --> 00:08:25,753
Oh, really, that's weird, because
Principal Emhoff called me yesterday.

120
00:08:25,753 --> 00:08:30,113
Yeah, you were supposed to get an award
for perfect attendance but, you didn't attend.

121
00:08:30,113 --> 00:08:32,552
I followed you this morning.
I saw you get into a cab

122
00:08:32,552 --> 00:08:35,232
with some boy and I lost
you guys over the bridge.

123
00:08:35,232 --> 00:08:38,792
So now you wanna tell
where you really were today?

124
00:08:43,670 --> 00:08:46,550
I'm really sorry,
Marcus, I don't wanna make...

125
00:08:46,550 --> 00:08:50,109
Cut the waterworks, Mind.
You're fifteen, not five.

126
00:08:52,469 --> 00:08:53,189
Okay.

127
00:08:54,948 --> 00:08:59,188
Look, he asked me to cut class and
go to the mall. So, yeah. Yeah, I did.

128
00:08:59,188 --> 00:09:01,387
This has nothing to do
with you being Hit-Girl?

129
00:09:01,387 --> 00:09:05,866
I'm not gonna find any, ninja blades,
or throwing stars under your bed?

130
00:09:05,866 --> 00:09:09,746
No. I just wanted
him to like me, okay?

131
00:09:09,746 --> 00:09:12,425
Sweetie, you know skipping school is
not a way to get boys to like you.

132
00:09:12,425 --> 00:09:14,066
- I'm so stupid.
- Hey, hey...

133
00:09:14,066 --> 00:09:16,585
You're one of the smartest
little girls I know.

134
00:09:16,585 --> 00:09:18,865
Let's go get
some pizza.

135
00:09:18,865 --> 00:09:23,104
- Why, you mean I'm not grounded?
- Well, just, consider this a warning.

136
00:09:24,503 --> 00:09:26,823
Hey, you sure you wanna give
all your mom's things away?

137
00:09:26,823 --> 00:09:29,343
What the hell am I supposed
to do with all her stuff?

138
00:09:30,383 --> 00:09:33,022
Damn, she had a
nice pair of guns.

139
00:09:33,022 --> 00:09:36,061
Dude, she's dead! Don't
talk about her tits!

140
00:09:36,061 --> 00:09:40,861
- I was talking about these.
- Oh, those. Those were my Dad's.

141
00:09:42,140 --> 00:09:44,300
Why don't you
keep them?

142
00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:47,020
- You sure?
- Yeah. I mean they belong to you, right?

143
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:50,380
Come on, Chris. You're
your own man now.

144
00:09:50,380 --> 00:09:53,539
- Just, just be careful, alright?
- Yeah.

145
00:09:57,778 --> 00:10:01,377
- Definitely, definitely, don't wanna keep those!
- No, no, I'll take care of it!

146
00:10:07,856 --> 00:10:10,576
Take the day off.
Later!

147
00:10:14,335 --> 00:10:16,215
- Hey.
- So...

148
00:10:16,215 --> 00:10:18,095
You ready for your
first field test?

149
00:10:18,095 --> 00:10:23,253
- What am I supposed to do with these?
- Put them on, and, uh, go fishing.

150
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:36,052
- I'm the whitest pimp ever.
- That's the idea!

151
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:40,051
- Take your next right, comes out on Flatbush.
- Are you sure I should be doing this without my gear?

152
00:10:40,051 --> 00:10:43,930
<i>That's the point. Kick-Ass isn't a costume.
Kick-Ass is who you really are.</i>

153
00:10:43,930 --> 00:10:45,690
<i>Dave Lizewski
is the mask.</i>

154
00:10:45,690 --> 00:10:49,210
Well, my mask is about
to get its' teeth kicked in.

155
00:10:49,450 --> 00:10:53,449
Hey, queer bait. Where you
going with those bags, man?

156
00:10:53,449 --> 00:10:56,648
<i>Tell him you're on your way to fuck
his mother with a Tobin strap-on.</i>

157
00:10:56,648 --> 00:10:58,568
I'm just taking a walk.

158
00:10:58,568 --> 00:11:01,328
Really isn't what I do,
I usually just call the cops.

159
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:04,007
Who are you
talking to, man?

160
00:11:04,007 --> 00:11:08,286
I'm just trying a call. There's,
no, uh, service around here? .

161
00:11:08,286 --> 00:11:10,446
This sucks, man.
Give me the bags, faggot.

162
00:11:10,446 --> 00:11:12,966
Before I make you suck
my fat cock, huh?

163
00:11:12,966 --> 00:11:14,885
Come on.

164
00:11:43,841 --> 00:11:47,040
Can you believe I let Mindy beat
the snot out of me for weeks

165
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:50,999
just so I can get my ass kicked again?
So much for a team.

166
00:11:50,999 --> 00:11:53,999
You ready to
die, faggot?

167
00:11:56,038 --> 00:12:01,158
You know, all the homophobic shit
makes you sound super gay.

168
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:35,112
If I ever catch you
robbing again, shitburger,

169
00:12:35,112 --> 00:12:37,951
I'mma go Saudi Arabia on your ass
and cut your hand off.

170
00:12:37,951 --> 00:12:41,551
- Promise me you're done with the life of crime?
- I promise.

171
00:12:45,191 --> 00:12:47,829
Pants on fire.

172
00:12:47,829 --> 00:12:50,390
- What did you think?
- I think you almost got me killed!

173
00:12:50,390 --> 00:12:54,429
No, what did you think of my line?
"Pants on fire". I wrote a whole bunch full--

174
00:12:54,429 --> 00:12:57,948
Run! I'll tell them you
saved me. Go!

175
00:12:57,948 --> 00:13:03,548
<i>Female suspect fleeing Flatbush. Under five
feet, masked, armed with nunchucks and a sword.</i>

176
00:13:15,985 --> 00:13:18,824
- Hey, Mind.
- Hey, Marcus, what's up?

177
00:13:18,824 --> 00:13:21,064
<i>I see you answered your phone.
That means you're not in school.</i>

178
00:13:21,064 --> 00:13:26,622
I was, but I wasn't feeling so good.
And so, the nurse decided to send me home.

179
00:13:26,622 --> 00:13:30,303
Poor thing. Well, I'm almost home. I'll make
you some soup and we can watch Jeopardy.

180
00:13:30,303 --> 00:13:34,182
- Alright, I'll see you soon, okay?
- All right.

181
00:13:58,138 --> 00:13:59,697
Shit!

182
00:14:24,654 --> 00:14:26,854
You got
my soup?

183
00:14:29,852 --> 00:14:32,172
Let me take your
temperature first.

184
00:14:32,172 --> 00:14:35,652
- You're really clammy.
- I'll feel better after a nap-nap.

185
00:14:35,652 --> 00:14:39,891
Close your eyes. Then I'll
make you that soup.

186
00:14:43,410 --> 00:14:45,171
Is that blood?

187
00:14:45,930 --> 00:14:48,609
Damn it, Mindy.
I can't do this anymore.

188
00:14:48,609 --> 00:14:52,009
Your father was like a brother to me.
He was a great cop and a hero.

189
00:14:52,009 --> 00:14:57,408
But Big Daddy, that was not your father, okay?
That was someone who robbed you of your childhood.

190
00:14:57,408 --> 00:14:59,207
And this...

191
00:14:59,207 --> 00:15:03,327
Hit-Girl. That's not
who you are.

192
00:15:04,368 --> 00:15:07,727
You are Mindy
Macready.

193
00:15:07,727 --> 00:15:10,366
You're just starting
high school.

194
00:15:10,366 --> 00:15:15,405
I understand that you don't know who that
person is, yet, but you will. You just gotta try.

195
00:15:15,405 --> 00:15:20,164
- I don't want to...
- You don't know what you want. You can't. You're not an adult, not yet.

196
00:15:20,164 --> 00:15:24,644
Yeah, well, I've done more in my 15
years than most adults have in their lifetime.

197
00:15:24,644 --> 00:15:29,602
That note that your father gave you, the one you were
supposed to open if anything ever happened to him.

198
00:15:29,602 --> 00:15:32,482
- What did it say?
- That you would take care of me.

199
00:15:32,482 --> 00:15:34,842
And that you were supposed
to listen to me, right?

200
00:15:34,842 --> 00:15:38,722
Well, listen up. I want you in school, I
want you to stop talking to that boy

201
00:15:38,722 --> 00:15:42,881
and I want you to promise me that
this is never gonna happen again.

202
00:15:54,959 --> 00:15:57,598
Cross my heart.

203
00:15:57,598 --> 00:15:59,398
Hope to die.

204
00:16:01,037 --> 00:16:02,757
Good.

205
00:16:16,835 --> 00:16:18,475
Mindy. What
the hell?

206
00:16:18,475 --> 00:16:22,113
- First, you almost get me killed, then you stand me up.
- Dave, I'm sorry.

207
00:16:22,113 --> 00:16:25,754
- You are?
- I am.

208
00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:28,713
For everything.

209
00:16:28,713 --> 00:16:30,672
Okay, great.

210
00:16:30,672 --> 00:16:34,432
I mean, apologetic isn't a
word I'd use to describe you.

211
00:16:34,432 --> 00:16:38,991
- How many times do I have to tell you?
- Look, let's get out of here.

212
00:16:38,991 --> 00:16:42,911
- You gotta ease up, I think I might've broken a rib.
- Dave, I'm done....

213
00:16:42,911 --> 00:16:46,470
- With training?
- With everything.

214
00:16:46,470 --> 00:16:49,990
Wait, you mean
everything?

215
00:16:51,829 --> 00:16:55,428
You can't. You're Hit-Girl.
We were gonna start a team.

216
00:16:55,428 --> 00:16:58,149
You can't just quit,
this is who you are.

217
00:16:58,149 --> 00:17:01,108
Not anymore, Dave.

218
00:17:01,108 --> 00:17:04,827
I'm sorry, but
it's over. I'm done.

219
00:17:04,827 --> 00:17:06,666
Just leave
me alone.

220
00:17:06,666 --> 00:17:08,586
Would you stop
apologizing!?

221
00:17:08,586 --> 00:17:13,786
I don't know what's worse. That you're fucking a
ninth-grader or that you just got dumped by one?

222
00:17:13,786 --> 00:17:14,865
Pedophile freak!

223
00:17:14,865 --> 00:17:17,585
- It's not like that!
- What is it like? Please, tell me.

224
00:17:17,585 --> 00:17:20,425
I can't. It's to do
with the "Kick-Ass" thing.

225
00:17:20,425 --> 00:17:22,183
I've got a
secret for you.

226
00:17:22,183 --> 00:17:25,463
- You remember Malick?
- Dude who volunteers at your needle exchange?

227
00:17:25,463 --> 00:17:28,343
His baton is so much
bigger than "Kick-Ass'"

228
00:17:28,343 --> 00:17:31,303
- No.
- Yeah.

229
00:17:31,303 --> 00:17:35,222
- And by "baton", I mean penis.
- Yeah, I got that, thanks.

230
00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:37,742
15 ditching
20, pervert.

231
00:17:37,742 --> 00:17:41,421
A freshman, Dave!
You salty dog.

232
00:17:41,421 --> 00:17:46,380
- What's the problem? Grass in the field, play ball, right?
- No, Todd.

233
00:17:46,380 --> 00:17:49,700
Chris, your tutor's
here. Chris!

234
00:17:49,700 --> 00:17:51,980
Chris, your
tu....

235
00:17:51,980 --> 00:17:53,858
Holy shit!

236
00:17:53,858 --> 00:17:57,738
- What the hell is that?
- My Destiny.

237
00:17:57,738 --> 00:18:00,658
Chris, just, just 'cause your Mom
like to get a little freaky, now...

238
00:18:00,658 --> 00:18:02,578
I know what my
role is in this, Javier...

239
00:18:02,578 --> 00:18:06,097
My dad was a crime boss,
so it just makes sense...

240
00:18:06,097 --> 00:18:09,857
I'm a supervillain.
It's evolution.

241
00:18:09,857 --> 00:18:12,416
Come on, c'mon, just put those things
down before you hurt somebody, Chris.

242
00:18:12,416 --> 00:18:15,975
- Nah, that's my name.
- Okay, okay, uhh, Red, Red Mist...

243
00:18:15,975 --> 00:18:21,335
Red Mist was my superhero name.
Henceforth, I'll be known as...

244
00:18:21,335 --> 00:18:22,175
The Motherfucker.

245
00:18:25,054 --> 00:18:29,373
After Mindy quit, I decided to stop hitting
the heavy bag and start hitting the streets.

246
00:18:29,373 --> 00:18:32,533
- Hey, Kick-Ass! Welcome back!
- Yeah!

247
00:18:32,772 --> 00:18:34,612
You're the
best, man!

248
00:18:34,612 --> 00:18:38,051
Only problem? I was
still on my own.

249
00:18:38,051 --> 00:18:42,371
So I went online and found a Physics
professor calling himself "Dr. Gravity".

250
00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:45,490
Sure, he wasn't Hit-Girl,
but I had to start somewhere.

251
00:18:45,490 --> 00:18:48,090
This is the Zero-G
device I invented.

252
00:18:48,090 --> 00:18:51,210
- It can levitate any object up to a ton.
- For real?

253
00:18:51,210 --> 00:18:56,368
Hell, no, man! This is a baseball bat
wrapped in tin foil! But it fooled you!

254
00:18:56,368 --> 00:18:58,288
Hey, can I get a Diet
Mountain Dew, please?

255
00:18:58,288 --> 00:19:03,288
I'm not even a Physics professor. Just a copyright I put,
an ad thing, you see. But that's why I love this stuff.

256
00:19:03,288 --> 00:19:06,047
You can be
anyone you want.

257
00:19:06,047 --> 00:19:10,366
- You done many team-ups before?
- Kind of. Yeah. No, not really.

258
00:19:10,366 --> 00:19:12,606
I was getting kinda nervous
about being on my own.

259
00:19:12,606 --> 00:19:16,244
Yeah, me too. I've never
even been in a fight.

260
00:19:16,765 --> 00:19:19,725
Well, hopefully, you
won't have to.

261
00:19:19,725 --> 00:19:22,724
Hey, I printed a guy talking about
forming a team if you're interested.

262
00:19:22,724 --> 00:19:25,483
I don't know how serious he is,
but his picture was pretty hardcore.

263
00:19:25,483 --> 00:19:28,683
Are you kidding me?
That's why I contacted you.

264
00:19:28,683 --> 00:19:31,202
I didn't wanna freak you out by
bringing it up too soon, y'know?

265
00:19:31,202 --> 00:19:34,202
I'll show you his profile
after I hit the men's room.

266
00:19:35,161 --> 00:19:37,801
You're uncle Ralph's not gonna
be happy about this, Chris.

267
00:19:37,801 --> 00:19:40,641
- That's not my name.
- I'm not calling you that, forget it.

268
00:19:40,641 --> 00:19:45,200
Javier, you worked for my Dad. Then you
worked for my Mom. Now, you work for me.

269
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:48,079
I'm probably the richest
kid in New York City.

270
00:19:48,079 --> 00:19:52,919
But if you don't like that, find yourself
another motherfucking job, okay?

271
00:19:53,719 --> 00:19:55,558
Yo, Kick-Ass!

272
00:19:55,558 --> 00:19:59,157
- Man, am I glad to see you.
- Is there anything I can do to help, sir?

273
00:19:59,157 --> 00:20:02,597
Yeah, I was hoping you can help
me get a million hits on YouTube!

274
00:20:08,317 --> 00:20:09,557
Come on.
Come on!

275
00:20:24,474 --> 00:20:27,593
- God!
- Run, Kick-Ass! Run!

276
00:20:29,592 --> 00:20:32,512
Jersey Shore,
motherfucker!

277
00:20:32,872 --> 00:20:36,591
What, not interested in
a fair fight, huh?

278
00:20:36,952 --> 00:20:39,032
That is not
a fair fight.

279
00:20:39,032 --> 00:20:42,191
Team meeting tomorrow!
I'll e-mail you the address.

280
00:20:42,791 --> 00:20:45,110
Beware Dr. Gravity!

281
00:20:45,110 --> 00:20:47,390
You have to admire
the Doctor's enthusiasm.

282
00:20:47,390 --> 00:20:50,589
I couldn't wait to
meet his friends.

283
00:20:56,189 --> 00:21:00,987
Hands in the air, spud roll. Empty the
register and don't do anything stupid.

284
00:21:01,228 --> 00:21:04,267
Come on! Hey, where are
your security cameras?

285
00:21:04,267 --> 00:21:06,786
- We don't have them. Too expensive.
- Seriously? What the fuck!

286
00:21:06,786 --> 00:21:09,386
- How is this gonna go viral?
- You want to be filmed?

287
00:21:09,386 --> 00:21:11,226
Shut up and just
get on the ground!

288
00:21:11,226 --> 00:21:14,106
And you better tell people
The Motherfucker was here!

289
00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:15,825
What's wrong
with you, boy?

290
00:21:15,825 --> 00:21:18,944
Get on the floor too, Gandalf,
or I will bust a cap in your ass!

291
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:22,264
You're gonna bust your own face when
that gun kicks if you don't hold it properly.

292
00:21:22,264 --> 00:21:25,224
Just, get on
the ground!

293
00:21:28,023 --> 00:21:30,423
God! Will you
hurry up?

294
00:21:30,423 --> 00:21:32,982
I told ya!

295
00:21:45,020 --> 00:21:46,780
Go! Go,
go, go!

296
00:21:46,780 --> 00:21:48,779
Start the car! Go, go,
go, go, go! Fuck!

297
00:21:50,059 --> 00:21:53,139
That was amazing!
I feel so alive!

298
00:21:53,139 --> 00:21:55,259
I know who I am,
I know why I'm here.

299
00:21:55,259 --> 00:21:59,898
I'm gonna fuck, this world, up! They will
know The Motherfucker's name!

300
00:21:59,898 --> 00:22:03,017
You got to find me some badass
MMA types to train me, okay?

301
00:22:03,017 --> 00:22:05,177
Like a, like a Chuck Liddell,
or whoever.

302
00:22:05,177 --> 00:22:10,656
Fuck, I don't care how much it costs. I just
wanna be able to kill Kick-Ass with my bare hands.

303
00:22:12,896 --> 00:22:15,816
I gotta Tweet
about this.

304
00:22:15,816 --> 00:22:16,716
(Kick-Ass texting)

305
00:22:23,734 --> 00:22:24,634
(Mindy responding)

306
00:22:33,933 --> 00:22:34,653
You ready?

307
00:22:36,612 --> 00:22:41,531
- I don't know. Am I?
- Yes, you are. You look great.

308
00:22:41,531 --> 00:22:45,691
- And Barbara's daughter, Brooke, is really nice.
- What am I supposed to talk to them about?

309
00:22:45,691 --> 00:22:48,090
I'd rather be waterboarded than
listen to Justin Bieber.

310
00:22:48,090 --> 00:22:50,569
- You're gonna be fine.
- I'm gonna be a disaster.

311
00:22:50,569 --> 00:22:54,489
- How do you know that?
- Because it's a slumber party, for fuck's sake?

312
00:22:54,489 --> 00:22:57,209
Dollar.
Jar.

313
00:22:58,488 --> 00:23:01,048
(Swear Jar)

314
00:23:01,728 --> 00:23:04,327
You're gonna need
a bigger jar.

315
00:23:06,927 --> 00:23:10,486
Pretty cool, huh? This is
how the beer gets delivered.

316
00:23:12,166 --> 00:23:15,525
Dude, you got a secret elevator
through underground headquarters.

317
00:23:15,525 --> 00:23:18,725
Yeah, the guy I told you
about owns this place.

318
00:23:18,725 --> 00:23:22,364
- Just like a real-life Batcave.
- I know, right?

319
00:23:28,243 --> 00:23:31,162
This is the single greatest
thing I've ever seen.

320
00:23:32,682 --> 00:23:36,122
Welcome to
"Justice Forever".

321
00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:44,320
- Hi, Detective Williams! This must be Mindy.
- It is. Hi, Brooke.

322
00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:47,281
So, you girls have some fun, and I'll
pick you up in the morning, okay?

323
00:23:47,281 --> 00:23:51,279
- I'll be the one with the slit wrists.
- No, you're gonna be the one that gets the awesome manicure.

324
00:23:51,279 --> 00:23:53,999
- I am?
- Oh, yeah.

325
00:23:54,718 --> 00:23:57,158
- Say "hey" to Mindy, ladies.
- Hey.

326
00:23:57,158 --> 00:24:00,877
I know you. You're that freshman who took
a ride on Dave Lizewski's disco stick.

327
00:24:00,877 --> 00:24:04,037
- I did not ride his...
- If you just blew him. You're totes a virgin, right?

328
00:24:04,037 --> 00:24:07,397
- She didn't blow him. Look at her.
- Then what? Rimjob? Handjob? Fingerbang?

329
00:24:07,397 --> 00:24:11,076
Sweet Ryan Seacrest. You
at least kissed him, right?

330
00:24:11,076 --> 00:24:12,596
Totes.

331
00:24:12,596 --> 00:24:14,915
You've never kissed a
boy, have you?

332
00:24:14,915 --> 00:24:17,475
- Oh, my God, that is so adorbs.
- Maybe, she's a dyke.

333
00:24:17,475 --> 00:24:20,235
Maybe, I'll jam my foot
up your snatch!

334
00:24:20,235 --> 00:24:23,874
- Oh, she's super-bitchy, I likes!
- What's the big deal, anyway?

335
00:24:23,874 --> 00:24:26,354
What could be so great about
gagging on some douchebag's tongue?

336
00:24:26,354 --> 00:24:31,192
It's pretty fucking great! You know how you
feel when you watch that video by Union J?

337
00:24:31,192 --> 00:24:33,472
Holy shit,
you don't know?

338
00:24:33,472 --> 00:24:37,232
This, will change,
your life.

339
00:24:42,830 --> 00:24:47,710
- You guys love this shit like the fanboys love Stan Lee, don't you?
- Who's Stan Lee?

340
00:25:18,545 --> 00:25:22,024
- What the fuck was that?
- I know, right? I'm soaked.

341
00:25:22,024 --> 00:25:25,584
That is who you are, Mindy. You
may not dress like us, or talk like us,

342
00:25:25,584 --> 00:25:27,943
but when it comes to
boys, we're all the same.

343
00:25:27,943 --> 00:25:32,742
Twilight, Channing Tatum,
Union J. It's biology, bitch.

344
00:25:33,062 --> 00:25:34,862
Don't fight it.

345
00:25:38,542 --> 00:25:41,941
- I gotta go.
- But we were gonna go get high on bath salts at Logan's house.

346
00:25:41,941 --> 00:25:46,420
Mindy, I wanna give you a chance that, the
rest of the girls in our class would kill for.

347
00:25:46,780 --> 00:25:50,340
Don't you wanna walk out the door
everyday in skin-tight clothes,

348
00:25:50,340 --> 00:25:52,459
knowing that everyone
worships you?

349
00:25:52,739 --> 00:25:57,099
Don't you wanna sneak out at night, raise
a little hell and show the world what

350
00:25:57,099 --> 00:26:01,018
a strong, independent
woman is capable of?

351
00:26:01,538 --> 00:26:04,057
Don't you
wanna belong?

352
00:26:06,456 --> 00:26:10,576
- Can I wear this to Logan's?
- Yay! It's gonna be so much fun.

353
00:26:11,497 --> 00:26:15,615
So, we tried the cops.
And tried the newspapers.

354
00:26:16,015 --> 00:26:22,575
And even set up a, y'know, a thing, on the
internet for people to help us find Tommy.

355
00:26:24,814 --> 00:26:27,173
But we got
nothing.

356
00:26:27,173 --> 00:26:29,773
We never saw
our son again.

357
00:26:29,773 --> 00:26:36,052
I came up with the name "Remembering Tommy",
and we've been doing this 3 nights a week.

358
00:26:36,452 --> 00:26:39,052
Colonel Stars and Stripes
found us online.

359
00:26:39,052 --> 00:26:42,251
That's terrible, guys.
I'm really sorry.

360
00:26:42,251 --> 00:26:46,170
I became "Night Bitch" after my sister was
murdered and found in a dumpster.

361
00:26:46,170 --> 00:26:50,609
- Shit.
- Doesn't bring her back, but at least I'm doing something positive about it.

362
00:26:50,609 --> 00:26:52,849
Insect Man?

363
00:26:53,209 --> 00:26:56,408
I've been bullied my
whole life for being gay.

364
00:26:56,408 --> 00:26:59,168
So, now I stand up
for the defenseless.

365
00:26:59,168 --> 00:27:01,128
That's why I don't
wear a mask.

366
00:27:01,128 --> 00:27:03,367
Too much like being
back in the closet.

367
00:27:03,367 --> 00:27:06,767
Long as your heart is in the right place,
we don't care what you put in your mouth.

368
00:27:06,767 --> 00:27:08,966
- Fist bump.
- Thank you, sir.

369
00:27:09,446 --> 00:27:14,765
Well, I became "Battle Guy" after my parents were
mugged and killed coming home from the opera.

370
00:27:14,765 --> 00:27:18,125
Did I tell you guys that that sick bastard
maxed out their credit cards on porno sites?

371
00:27:18,125 --> 00:27:19,925
I just hope that we get the
chance to say hello to this guy

372
00:27:19,925 --> 00:27:22,925
someday so I can personally
levitate his soul from his body.

373
00:27:22,925 --> 00:27:25,323
Oh, my
God, Marty?

374
00:27:25,763 --> 00:27:29,563
- I know I recognized your voice.
- No, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about.

375
00:27:29,563 --> 00:27:32,083
I don't know
a Marty.

376
00:27:32,083 --> 00:27:36,961
- Hey, asshole, it's me. Dave.
- Dave?

377
00:27:36,961 --> 00:27:40,762
- Why are you dressed like Kick-Ass?
- Because, I'm Kick-Ass!

378
00:27:40,762 --> 00:27:44,601
- You two know each other?
- Yeah, like, since we were five.

379
00:27:44,601 --> 00:27:48,400
- What's all this bullshit about your parents getting killed?
- Language!

380
00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:53,839
- What?
- Battle Guy? Care to update your resume?

381
00:27:54,359 --> 00:27:58,718
I'm trying to figure out how to explain this
without sounding like a complete idiot right now.

382
00:27:58,718 --> 00:28:02,758
- Yeah, I'm not sure that's possible, Batman.
- I'm not, either.

383
00:28:03,478 --> 00:28:05,477
Okay, well, when I
found you guys online,

384
00:28:05,477 --> 00:28:08,037
you were all swapping these
awesome origin stories.

385
00:28:08,037 --> 00:28:11,116
- I mean, Colonel, you're ex-Mafia, for Christ's sake.
- Yo!

386
00:28:11,116 --> 00:28:14,716
- Don't take the Lord's name in vain.
- I'm sorry.

387
00:28:14,716 --> 00:28:19,754
I just, I didn't think you guys would let me
join the team unless I had a good story, too.

388
00:28:20,075 --> 00:28:24,635
All right. We'll let you off the
hook this time, Battle Guy.

389
00:28:24,635 --> 00:28:28,033
- Want to see something cool?
- Yeah!

390
00:28:28,033 --> 00:28:30,473
I thought this could
be our meeting room.

391
00:28:30,473 --> 00:28:34,753
- Woah! This is so cool!
- Now this little renovation was totally clandestine.

392
00:28:34,753 --> 00:28:36,552
Which means nobody
knew about it.

393
00:28:36,552 --> 00:28:40,911
I know it's not much, but
this is just the beginning.

394
00:28:40,911 --> 00:28:43,591
Together, we can make
a real difference.

395
00:28:45,031 --> 00:28:48,910
If you'd consider it, Kick-Ass, we'd
be honored to have you join us.

396
00:28:51,510 --> 00:28:53,749
Hell, yeah!

397
00:28:53,749 --> 00:28:55,949
That's what I'd
like to hear!

398
00:28:55,949 --> 00:29:00,628
Alright! Time for initiation.
Turn around and I'll unzip ya.

399
00:29:00,628 --> 00:29:04,307
- I'm sorry, what?
- I'm just joking. Let's get down to business.

400
00:29:06,827 --> 00:29:10,786
There you are. We saved you a seat
in the caf, but you never showed.

401
00:29:10,786 --> 00:29:14,226
Yeah, I usually head over to
the Olive Garden to carb-load.

402
00:29:14,226 --> 00:29:17,584
- I haven't had white sugar since my first birthday.
- Do we need an intervention?

403
00:29:17,584 --> 00:29:20,664
Come on. The best way to tighten up
a tummy is the varsity dance team.

404
00:29:20,664 --> 00:29:23,624
The signing sheet
just went up.

405
00:29:25,384 --> 00:29:27,983
It's still blowing
my mind, "Kick-Ass".

406
00:29:27,983 --> 00:29:31,263
It's like finding out your best
friend's always been Will Smith.

407
00:29:31,263 --> 00:29:35,462
- Hey, guys. What you talking 'bout?
- Nothing.

408
00:29:35,462 --> 00:29:38,621
- Nothing?
- Yeah, Todd, nothing.

409
00:29:38,621 --> 00:29:43,741
- All right, see you around, guys.
- Todd, wait!

410
00:29:43,741 --> 00:29:46,981
- Watch it!
- Watch me end your life!

411
00:29:46,981 --> 00:29:50,139
C'mon, forget it. He's just one of those dickheads
that follows The Motherfucker on Twitter.

412
00:29:50,139 --> 00:29:53,739
- Who?
- The Motherfucker. He's some guy planning to be the world's first supervillain.

413
00:29:53,739 --> 00:29:57,659
- He's got like a thousand followers already.
- What an asshole.

414
00:29:58,538 --> 00:29:59,977
Get some!

415
00:29:59,977 --> 00:30:01,978
You got this,
Motherfucker!

416
00:30:01,978 --> 00:30:05,057
- You really think he got a shot?
- I wouldn't take his money if I didn't.

417
00:30:05,057 --> 00:30:09,816
MMA is like chess, it's all about the moves.
And your boy really knows his stuff.

418
00:30:12,015 --> 00:30:14,256
Time to die,
asshole.

419
00:30:16,135 --> 00:30:18,695
- Are you alright?
- I'm cool.

420
00:30:18,695 --> 00:30:21,455
Good jab!
Nice jab, buddy!

421
00:30:21,455 --> 00:30:24,214
Come on, stay loose, baby.
Walk it off, walk it off!

422
00:30:25,894 --> 00:30:28,094
Shit! Oh, you
broke my leg!

423
00:30:28,574 --> 00:30:31,812
- Come on. Do something. Yeah, let's take a break guys.
- Let's take a break!

424
00:30:31,812 --> 00:30:34,173
Street rules, bitch!

425
00:30:36,813 --> 00:30:39,451
Chuck!
Get this girl off me!

426
00:30:39,451 --> 00:30:42,730
Hey, what are you doing, man? You
all right, Chris? You all right, buddy?

427
00:30:42,730 --> 00:30:46,570
- Get off me, I was winning!
- No, you were crying.

428
00:30:46,570 --> 00:30:48,890
You know what?
Screw this.

429
00:30:48,890 --> 00:30:52,809
My superpower, is
that I'm rich as shit.

430
00:30:52,809 --> 00:30:56,929
Hey, you wanna work for me, huh?
You wanna beat people up for me?

431
00:30:57,889 --> 00:31:03,128
- Sure.
- Alright! Let's get you a mask and a costume and we will call you...

432
00:31:03,128 --> 00:31:05,407
"Black Death".

433
00:31:05,407 --> 00:31:07,687
Woah, you don't think that's just
a little bit incredibly racist?

434
00:31:07,687 --> 00:31:10,285
I don't give a shit! I want
you to put the word out.

435
00:31:10,285 --> 00:31:13,285
That I'm willing to pay top-dollar
for every hired hitter in town.

436
00:31:13,285 --> 00:31:15,566
- Come on, let's just talk about it first.
- The money talks.

437
00:31:15,566 --> 00:31:20,204
You wanted me to be my own man.
This is what it looks like.

438
00:31:20,204 --> 00:31:25,044
- Alright, alright, I'll make some calls.
- Yes! Anybody else who wanna be a supervillain?

439
00:31:25,044 --> 00:31:27,843
I promise I'll pay better than
Chuck "Little Dick" Liddell!

440
00:31:27,843 --> 00:31:31,722
- What did you call me?
- No, no, man. He took a hit to the head, he doesn't know what he's saying.

441
00:31:32,362 --> 00:31:34,682
I've been studying privately
with Coach Podell.

442
00:31:34,682 --> 00:31:38,762
And by studying, I mean my mom
paid her off to make me varsity.

443
00:31:38,762 --> 00:31:42,201
So, if you're half-decent I'll make
sure she puts you on the team.

444
00:31:42,201 --> 00:31:45,640
- At least as an alternate.
- You'd do that for me?

445
00:31:45,640 --> 00:31:48,641
Besties stick
together.

446
00:31:48,641 --> 00:31:50,999
If Brooke wants a pet, she
should just get a dog.

447
00:31:50,999 --> 00:31:53,279
She's just trying to recreate
Mindy in her own image.

448
00:31:53,279 --> 00:31:56,159
All right ladies, have a
seat, let's get started.

449
00:32:32,952 --> 00:32:35,272
Mindy Macready.

450
00:32:38,991 --> 00:32:43,510
As long as you don't fall
on your face, you're in. Go.

451
00:32:56,028 --> 00:32:56,868
Four attackers...

452
00:32:59,028 --> 00:32:59,778
No escape.

453
00:33:51,620 --> 00:33:57,258
- Oh my God! You'd totally make captain.
- So much better than Brooke's.

454
00:33:58,818 --> 00:34:01,298
A bunch of people
with made-up names,

455
00:34:01,298 --> 00:34:03,537
standing around in
homemade costumes,

456
00:34:03,537 --> 00:34:06,417
searching the web
for unsolved crimes?

457
00:34:06,417 --> 00:34:10,417
Comic book heroes all have billion-dollar
bases and headquarters on the moon.

458
00:34:10,417 --> 00:34:12,136
But this is the
real world.

459
00:34:12,136 --> 00:34:14,895
- Scales, like red, white and blue.
- Ist's awesome!

460
00:34:15,135 --> 00:34:15,855
Brick.

461
00:34:18,695 --> 00:34:21,054
- What do you think?
- I think it does the job.

462
00:34:21,054 --> 00:34:22,935
People should get
what they deserve.

463
00:34:22,935 --> 00:34:25,733
A family living in the street
deserves a hot meal.

464
00:34:25,733 --> 00:34:29,053
An inebriated college girl deserves
to make it home safe at night.

465
00:34:29,053 --> 00:34:32,493
And a pervert,
a pedophile...

466
00:34:33,293 --> 00:34:35,932
Deserves a visit
from Eisenhower.

467
00:34:38,611 --> 00:34:42,771
Now you don't wanna hit with your closed fist. Because
you might break your hand, then you're defenseless.

468
00:34:42,771 --> 00:34:44,611
You wanna hit with
open palm!

469
00:34:44,611 --> 00:34:46,210
Open palm!

470
00:34:47,650 --> 00:34:52,010
I never made varsity football,
or got cast in the school play.

471
00:34:52,010 --> 00:34:54,089
Hell, I never even
made honor roll.

472
00:34:54,089 --> 00:34:55,728
Dropped like
a bitch!

473
00:34:55,728 --> 00:35:00,008
But if I had, I kinda believed it
would've felt a lot like this.

474
00:35:00,248 --> 00:35:03,208
"When the cops can no
longer, protect and serve,

475
00:35:03,208 --> 00:35:05,766
be warned, mugger,
heads up, perv!

476
00:35:05,766 --> 00:35:08,287
We got the strength,
we got the nerve,

477
00:35:08,287 --> 00:35:10,846
to give those in need,
what they deserve!"

478
00:35:10,846 --> 00:35:13,646
Justice Forever!

479
00:35:14,126 --> 00:35:16,165
We were in the
ultimate clique.

480
00:35:16,165 --> 00:35:19,445
It didn't matter that no
one else knew. We knew.

481
00:35:19,445 --> 00:35:21,365
We felt like
rockstars.

482
00:35:21,365 --> 00:35:24,205
Doctor, good job.
Battle Guy....

483
00:35:24,205 --> 00:35:27,203
Good night, Colonel,
Thanks for everything.

484
00:35:27,203 --> 00:35:29,563
No, son,
thank you.

485
00:35:29,563 --> 00:35:32,003
You showed us that every
man can make a difference.

486
00:35:32,003 --> 00:35:35,283
Without Kick-Ass, none
of us would be here.

487
00:35:35,283 --> 00:35:39,042
That's from the heart. Don't
let it go to your head.

488
00:35:41,801 --> 00:35:43,321
So...

489
00:35:43,641 --> 00:35:46,280
I'm not really
that tired.

490
00:35:58,878 --> 00:36:01,957
- Okay.
- Let's leave the masks on.

491
00:36:01,957 --> 00:36:05,078
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

492
00:36:08,316 --> 00:36:11,636
First big mission is tonight.
And it's not community service.

493
00:36:11,636 --> 00:36:13,876
We're taking out
some real bad guys.

494
00:36:13,876 --> 00:36:18,195
- Can't your team handle it?
- They're not you, Mindy.

495
00:36:18,195 --> 00:36:21,635
Remembering Tommy owns a dry fruit
business and Night Bitch teaches ballet.

496
00:36:21,635 --> 00:36:26,114
Night Bitch? What is she, a
superhero or a softcore porno?

497
00:36:26,114 --> 00:36:28,033
Maybe a little
bit of both.

498
00:36:28,033 --> 00:36:30,953
Oh, God! You're
frogging her?

499
00:36:30,953 --> 00:36:32,993
I'm gonna vom.

500
00:36:32,993 --> 00:36:37,552
Hey, you're like a ninja. Can't you just
sneak out? After Marcus goes to sleep?

501
00:36:38,112 --> 00:36:40,311
You don't
get it, Dave.

502
00:36:41,911 --> 00:36:46,031
- I made a promise to Marcus.
- So break it. You're a superhero, remember?

503
00:36:46,031 --> 00:36:48,550
Mindy Macready is
just a disguise.

504
00:36:49,110 --> 00:36:51,950
Yeah, I don't know what kind
of superhero "Night Whore" is,

505
00:36:51,950 --> 00:36:56,149
but if you really think I'd ever break my word,
you obviously have no idea of who I am.

506
00:36:56,149 --> 00:36:59,228
I know that making dance team doesn't
make you stop being who you are.

507
00:36:59,228 --> 00:37:02,427
I know Hit-Girl couldn't give a shit
about what high school girls are into.

508
00:37:02,427 --> 00:37:05,707
I know that you wouldn't go on a
date if your life depended on it.

509
00:37:05,707 --> 00:37:09,626
- Go to hell, Dave.
- What? You know I'm right.

510
00:37:09,906 --> 00:37:13,466
- Hey, roid-rage. Yeah.
- Me?

511
00:37:13,466 --> 00:37:17,746
- You wanna take me on a date sometime?
- Yeah! Sure, umm...

512
00:37:17,746 --> 00:37:20,505
My name is,
umm, Simon.

513
00:37:20,984 --> 00:37:24,065
Great, "um,
Simon."

514
00:37:24,065 --> 00:37:25,864
It's a date.

515
00:37:25,864 --> 00:37:29,383
- Mindy! I'm sorry.
- Is there a problem, Mind?

516
00:37:29,383 --> 00:37:33,383
Good. 'Cause I
don't like problems.

517
00:37:33,663 --> 00:37:38,901
Dave, you've been sneaking out at night? Mrs. Napier
said she thought she saw you leaving at 2 in the morning.

518
00:37:38,901 --> 00:37:43,981
Miss Napier's crazy, dad. She
tried to teach her dog Spanish.

519
00:37:45,181 --> 00:37:46,821
Are you
on drugs?

520
00:37:46,821 --> 00:37:53,179
- Seriously?
- I gotta ask. You're my best bud and you're growing up so fast.

521
00:37:53,179 --> 00:37:56,179
Promise me you're not
doing anything foolish?

522
00:37:56,179 --> 00:37:58,778
I promise.

523
00:37:58,778 --> 00:38:01,458
Good enough
for me, pal.

524
00:38:01,458 --> 00:38:03,938
You're too smart to
do anything stupid.

525
00:38:04,418 --> 00:38:08,217
Justice Forever!

526
00:38:08,217 --> 00:38:11,456
I'm glad you got that
out of your system.

527
00:38:12,736 --> 00:38:14,695
Todd texted
me. Again.

528
00:38:16,936 --> 00:38:19,215
Dude, how badass is
Colonel Stars and Stripes?

529
00:38:19,215 --> 00:38:21,694
Yeah, I still can't believe
he's an ex-mob enforcer.

530
00:38:21,694 --> 00:38:23,774
I mean, how do you go from
that to being a superhero?

531
00:38:23,774 --> 00:38:26,934
- He's a born again Christian. Yeah!
- Shut up!

532
00:38:26,934 --> 00:38:29,853
Let's hope he
can handle tonight.

533
00:38:32,053 --> 00:38:35,172
I guess we're about
to find out.

534
00:38:41,211 --> 00:38:43,291
Hey, where's the
rest of the team?

535
00:38:43,291 --> 00:38:46,971
Dr. Gravity has the flu and Remembering
Tommy got Book of Mormon tickets, so...

536
00:38:46,971 --> 00:38:50,729
That's okay. The
five of us should do.

537
00:38:50,729 --> 00:38:53,449
How did you say this guy made
his money, sir? Prostitution?

538
00:38:53,449 --> 00:38:57,209
Not just girls. Kids. Ships them
in from villages back home.

539
00:38:57,689 --> 00:39:01,607
- Boneheads in blue take a blind eye.
- How do you know he's here tonight?

540
00:39:01,607 --> 00:39:03,927
Because Thursday night
is poker night.

541
00:39:03,927 --> 00:39:08,207
Same five lowlifes every week.
They're not even hard to find.

542
00:39:08,207 --> 00:39:12,286
- So what's the plan? Are we sneaking in?
- I thought we'd knock.

543
00:39:12,286 --> 00:39:14,246
- What?
- More polite.

544
00:39:14,246 --> 00:39:16,645
Stay frosty, team.

545
00:39:16,645 --> 00:39:20,005
I used to eat punks
like this for breakfast.

546
00:39:21,444 --> 00:39:24,043
Jehovah's Witness!

547
00:39:26,324 --> 00:39:29,324
(Speaking Chinese)

548
00:39:29,924 --> 00:39:33,682
(Speaking Chinese)

549
00:39:34,562 --> 00:39:35,762
(Speaking Chinese)

550
00:39:35,762 --> 00:39:40,641
I'm sorry, I just zoned out for a second. Did you
say that we're going up against five gangsters?

551
00:39:41,081 --> 00:39:43,321
The bouncer
makes six.

552
00:39:46,280 --> 00:39:49,560
- And three quarters.
- What the fuck do you want?

553
00:39:49,560 --> 00:39:52,559
Good evening, young man.
We'd like a word with Jimmy Kim.

554
00:39:52,559 --> 00:39:55,279
If it's not too
inconvenient.

555
00:39:56,759 --> 00:40:01,838
Get the fuck out of here before I
tear your head off, you old fuck.

556
00:40:02,558 --> 00:40:05,757
- I'm sorry.
- I think we're in trouble.

557
00:40:05,757 --> 00:40:10,237
I just don't understand why people feel
the need to use that kind of language.

558
00:40:19,836 --> 00:40:21,555
Oh, sweet
Jesus.

559
00:40:21,555 --> 00:40:23,714
Battle Guy?

560
00:40:23,714 --> 00:40:27,273
- What did I tell you about taking the Lord's name in vain?
- Sorry, sir.

561
00:40:27,273 --> 00:40:29,473
Eisenhower,
at the ready.

562
00:40:29,473 --> 00:40:33,912
Insect Man, I want you right behind me.
Everybody else, spread out, catch some strays.

563
00:40:34,712 --> 00:40:36,152
And try to
have fun.

564
00:40:36,392 --> 00:40:39,792
Otherwise,
what's the point?

565
00:40:40,072 --> 00:40:42,951
Nice party. Anybody
wanna dance?

566
00:40:42,951 --> 00:40:44,870
(Curses in Chinese)

567
00:40:49,510 --> 00:40:51,550
Where are
you going?

568
00:40:57,428 --> 00:40:59,668
Very nice!

569
00:41:01,348 --> 00:41:03,347
Watch the bunny!

570
00:41:12,467 --> 00:41:14,985
Night Bitch!
Behind you!

571
00:41:30,783 --> 00:41:32,743
I got his
right arm.

572
00:41:38,462 --> 00:41:42,102
You know, you shouldn't talk with
your mouth full. It's very rude.

573
00:41:42,102 --> 00:41:44,021
Come on!

574
00:41:44,340 --> 00:41:46,580
Who the hell
are you?

575
00:41:46,980 --> 00:41:51,500
- We're the good guys.
- No, you're the fucking dead guys.

576
00:41:53,180 --> 00:41:56,219
Eisenhower.

577
00:42:04,337 --> 00:42:07,817
- Where are the girls?
- Come on, man. I've got a heart problem.

578
00:42:07,817 --> 00:42:09,696
Oh, yeah?

579
00:42:10,697 --> 00:42:13,376
You want me to
solve that for you?

580
00:42:14,735 --> 00:42:17,615
Okay. The girls are upstairs
in the apartments.

581
00:42:17,615 --> 00:42:21,215
My little brother, he's only a kid.
He's just a college kid.

582
00:42:21,655 --> 00:42:23,735
- Kick-Ass, Night Bitch.
- On it!

583
00:42:23,735 --> 00:42:27,093
Ralph D'Amico is gonna
end you for this.

584
00:42:27,093 --> 00:42:31,013
- It hurts!
- Yeah, there's a dog on your balls.

585
00:42:32,733 --> 00:42:36,011
You want money? There's
fifty grand in the table.

586
00:42:36,011 --> 00:42:38,252
Please, just make
him stop! Please!

587
00:42:39,011 --> 00:42:42,211
You think you can buy us?
Is that what you think?

588
00:42:42,211 --> 00:42:46,410
We're not here to steal from you.
We're here to send a message.

589
00:42:46,410 --> 00:42:49,170
To all the other
bottom-dwellers.

590
00:42:50,290 --> 00:42:55,089
- We're shutting you down.
- C'mon. There's a van waiting outside from the women's shelter.

591
00:42:55,089 --> 00:42:57,648
It'll take you
someplace safe.

592
00:42:58,208 --> 00:43:01,608
Wait, we can't leave.
We have no money.

593
00:43:01,888 --> 00:43:05,527
- Battle Guy, how much did they have on the table?
- I'd say fifty grand.

594
00:43:05,527 --> 00:43:09,606
- You got plenty now.
- Thank you.

595
00:43:19,285 --> 00:43:20,964
Good job, guys.

596
00:43:20,964 --> 00:43:23,604
Very tidy.
Very tidy.

597
00:43:24,004 --> 00:43:27,963
I can't believe you pulled a gun on that guy.
Were you really gonna shoot him?

598
00:43:27,963 --> 00:43:30,403
I'll let you in
on a little secret.

599
00:43:31,163 --> 00:43:34,043
Empty. Don't tell
the bad guys.

600
00:43:34,043 --> 00:43:38,121
Pardon my language, Colonel, but
you have got some serious balls.

601
00:43:38,121 --> 00:43:40,641
Certainly more
than Mr. Kim.

602
00:43:40,641 --> 00:43:43,281
"There's a dog
on my balls!"

603
00:43:45,521 --> 00:43:48,720
- Goddamn it! Javier!
- What happened?

604
00:43:48,720 --> 00:43:53,359
Some douche just posted a link to a story about a
whorehouse. Says that Kick-Ass' team took them out.

605
00:43:53,359 --> 00:43:57,078
- What the hell, where's my crew?
- Chris, everybody's just...

606
00:43:58,998 --> 00:44:01,518
Could you ladies excuse
us for a second?

607
00:44:01,518 --> 00:44:03,638
No, they're my sidekicks, they can
listen to what we have to...

608
00:44:03,638 --> 00:44:06,957
They're not your sidekicks, Chris.
They're prostitutes and witnesses. Come on.

609
00:44:06,957 --> 00:44:09,556
Sorry. No
offense.

610
00:44:09,757 --> 00:44:12,516
Everybody's just too afraid of your
uncle Ralph to take the job.

611
00:44:12,516 --> 00:44:15,796
- But he's in prison.
- Doesn't matter. He runs the family now.

612
00:44:15,796 --> 00:44:17,955
And he wants
everybody to lay low.

613
00:44:17,955 --> 00:44:21,555
But fortunately for you, Big Tony doesn't
know how to lay low so he's here.

614
00:44:21,555 --> 00:44:25,154
- I don't remember a Big Tony. Is he huge?
- He's ironic.

615
00:44:25,154 --> 00:44:28,433
Five-foot-four,
but mean as shit.

616
00:44:32,033 --> 00:44:34,872
He's got such a hard-
on for killing people.

617
00:44:34,872 --> 00:44:38,071
- He's little, and he kills.
- Right.

618
00:44:38,272 --> 00:44:41,191
Call him "The Tumor".
Who's next?

619
00:44:41,191 --> 00:44:44,471
Alright. We got an ex-Triad
member, looking for work.

620
00:44:44,471 --> 00:44:47,350
Easy! "Genghis
Carnage"! Come on! .

621
00:44:47,350 --> 00:44:51,869
- You gotta quit with the racist stereotypes, Chris.
- Archetypes. Keep going.

622
00:44:51,869 --> 00:44:55,550
- Alright, we got a Katryna Dubrovsky. Yeah.
- Wait, wait, wait, a chick?

623
00:44:55,550 --> 00:44:57,429
- You're saying you hired a chick?
- Yeah.

624
00:44:57,429 --> 00:45:02,388
Former KGB. She was locked up in
the gulag until she ate her cellmate.

625
00:45:03,547 --> 00:45:05,747
"Mother Russia".

626
00:45:05,747 --> 00:45:08,827
Mother Russia and Motherfucker both on
the same team? That doesn't work, Chris.

627
00:45:08,827 --> 00:45:11,066
I am not asking for
suggestions, asshole.

628
00:45:11,066 --> 00:45:14,625
Just get them costumes
and get them ready.

629
00:45:14,625 --> 00:45:17,826
Shit. Javier,
thank you.

630
00:45:17,826 --> 00:45:20,664
I couldn't do
this without you.

631
00:45:21,384 --> 00:45:24,944
You're pretty much like the
only real family I have left.

632
00:45:24,944 --> 00:45:27,504
Not a problem, man.
I got your back.

633
00:45:27,504 --> 00:45:30,783
It's kinda like you're the Alfred
to my evil Bruce Wayne.

634
00:45:30,783 --> 00:45:35,382
- Did you just call me your fucking butler?
- Yeah, is it not a compliment?

635
00:45:35,382 --> 00:45:37,662
Shit. My bad.

636
00:45:40,781 --> 00:45:42,861
There wasn't much
action those nights.

637
00:45:42,861 --> 00:45:46,341
I mean, there was always a
little action, with Night Bitch.

638
00:45:48,701 --> 00:45:52,300
The reality of being a superhero,
is lots of patrols.

639
00:45:52,300 --> 00:45:56,059
But that didn't stop people
from begging to join up.

640
00:45:58,339 --> 00:46:02,578
With all our new members, it
seemed kinda shitty not to ask Todd.

641
00:46:04,017 --> 00:46:06,698
Stop peeking man,
you're gonna ruin it.

642
00:46:06,698 --> 00:46:07,658
Check, it,
out!

643
00:46:10,616 --> 00:46:12,016
You can't fight
crime in that.

644
00:46:12,016 --> 00:46:14,336
You're pants are so tight,
you got frog eye.

645
00:46:14,336 --> 00:46:17,216
- What the hell's frog eye?
- Male cameltoe.

646
00:46:17,216 --> 00:46:19,894
I'm not really sure about these names
you've come up with, either.

647
00:46:19,894 --> 00:46:23,254
Whoop-ass, Kickass-Man,
Doctor Kick-ass?

648
00:46:23,254 --> 00:46:26,854
- Yeah?
- Yeah, they all kinda seem, derivative?

649
00:46:26,854 --> 00:46:31,493
Let me translate that: you can't just
copy Dave's name, you nobgobbler!

650
00:46:31,493 --> 00:46:34,093
Okay, umm...

651
00:46:34,572 --> 00:46:35,852
Oh, wait.

652
00:46:35,852 --> 00:46:39,092
Oh, I got it. I
got it. I got it.

653
00:46:39,652 --> 00:46:40,372
"Ass-kicker".

654
00:46:43,050 --> 00:46:45,891
- Seriously?
- You're such a dick, Marty.

655
00:46:45,891 --> 00:46:48,491
I know this is why you guys don't text
me back. I'm not an actual idiot.

656
00:46:48,491 --> 00:46:51,569
Well, you could've
fooled me, "Ass-licker".

657
00:46:52,090 --> 00:46:54,649
- You know what, screw you guys. No, really.
- Todd.

658
00:46:54,649 --> 00:46:56,969
Fuck you guys. I'm gonna
form my own team.

659
00:46:56,969 --> 00:46:59,449
Todd, wait,
come on!

660
00:46:59,969 --> 00:47:03,008
Todd was right. We
are being dicks.

661
00:47:03,008 --> 00:47:07,487
But the truth is, the only person who
I really wanted on the team was Mindy.

662
00:47:07,487 --> 00:47:10,727
But she was too busy trying
not be a superhero.

663
00:47:10,966 --> 00:47:13,606
Okay, Mind,
he's here.

664
00:47:19,445 --> 00:47:22,044
Your first big date.
How are you feeling?

665
00:47:22,044 --> 00:47:26,884
Like the first time Big Daddy sent me into
a crack den with nothing but a pen knife?

666
00:47:26,884 --> 00:47:29,524
I've got some
butterflies.

667
00:47:30,484 --> 00:47:33,402
You just be yourself and
you let me be nervous.

668
00:47:33,402 --> 00:47:36,842
Don't worry about me. I can kill
a man with his own finger.

669
00:47:36,842 --> 00:47:40,122
A word of advice:
I wouldn't open with that.

670
00:47:44,121 --> 00:47:47,000
Thanks for letting me
finally take you out.

671
00:47:47,000 --> 00:47:50,361
How else was I gonna get
you to stop calling?

672
00:47:50,640 --> 00:47:53,239
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

673
00:48:05,677 --> 00:48:07,997
- Where are we going?
- To a party.

674
00:48:07,997 --> 00:48:10,917
Why is this party in
the middle of nowhere?

675
00:48:10,917 --> 00:48:14,315
Because that's where keg
parties are usually are, right?

676
00:48:27,434 --> 00:48:30,913
- I guess we're the first ones here.
- This isn't where you have a party, moron.

677
00:48:30,913 --> 00:48:34,072
- This is where you dump a dead body.
- What's your problem?

678
00:48:34,072 --> 00:48:36,072
I'm sorry.

679
00:48:36,352 --> 00:48:38,592
I'll stop being
such a bitch.

680
00:48:38,592 --> 00:48:41,751
You actually seem
like a nice guy.

681
00:48:42,392 --> 00:48:44,271
So, umm...

682
00:48:44,271 --> 00:48:45,671
You wanna
hook up?

683
00:48:45,671 --> 00:48:47,790
I'm not a
total idiot.

684
00:48:49,550 --> 00:48:52,070
Simon, get back
in the car.

685
00:48:52,070 --> 00:48:53,070
Now!

686
00:49:02,908 --> 00:49:05,027
Yay! You made it.

687
00:49:05,027 --> 00:49:09,907
- Brooke?
- This, is to celebrate you.

688
00:49:09,907 --> 00:49:11,626
Celebrate?

689
00:49:11,626 --> 00:49:14,945
What a total
loser you are. And...

690
00:49:14,945 --> 00:49:17,705
We ditch
losers.

691
00:49:17,705 --> 00:49:20,945
Poor Mindy.
What did you think?

692
00:49:20,945 --> 00:49:23,624
The cool kids saw something
special in you, and,

693
00:49:23,624 --> 00:49:26,423
invited you to
your first party?

694
00:49:26,423 --> 00:49:30,983
Where you'd sip your first beer and,
finally suck face for the first time?

695
00:49:30,983 --> 00:49:35,062
Newsflash:
You're not special.

696
00:49:36,542 --> 00:49:40,862
Fuck with the queen bee and,
you're gonna get stung.

697
00:49:41,902 --> 00:49:43,782
Date ditch.

698
00:49:44,260 --> 00:49:47,820
Party at
my house!

699
00:50:33,453 --> 00:50:35,172
Dave?

700
00:50:36,052 --> 00:50:38,212
Oh, my
God, Mindy?

701
00:50:38,212 --> 00:50:40,812
Holy shit. What
are you doing?

702
00:50:40,812 --> 00:50:42,772
It's just...

703
00:50:42,772 --> 00:50:45,770
I needed to see
my Robin, I guess.

704
00:50:47,330 --> 00:50:49,610
Are you okay?

705
00:50:55,449 --> 00:50:57,728
I don't know
what to do.

706
00:50:57,728 --> 00:51:00,768
Those girls,
they're...

707
00:51:00,768 --> 00:51:02,968
They're evil.

708
00:51:02,968 --> 00:51:05,168
It's just high school.
Who gives a shit.

709
00:51:05,168 --> 00:51:07,486
You should be out there
in the real world.

710
00:51:07,486 --> 00:51:09,487
Making it
a better place.

711
00:51:09,487 --> 00:51:13,806
- Dave, I can't.
- I know, you promised your dad.

712
00:51:15,086 --> 00:51:17,845
But he's not
here anymore.

713
00:51:17,845 --> 00:51:21,245
This is your life.
You got to live it.

714
00:51:21,845 --> 00:51:25,965
How am I supposed to
face them tomorrow?

715
00:51:25,965 --> 00:51:27,243
I'm so embarrassed.

716
00:51:27,243 --> 00:51:33,803
Why? You're smart, you're
beautiful, you're funny.

717
00:51:34,923 --> 00:51:38,442
You're the strongest person I've
ever met. You can do anything.

718
00:51:38,442 --> 00:51:39,162
And you're
Hit-Girl!

719
00:51:40,762 --> 00:51:43,721
It doesn't matter if you're
wearing a mask or make-up.

720
00:51:43,721 --> 00:51:46,840
That's who you
really are.

721
00:51:46,840 --> 00:51:49,839
So what should I do?
Cut their tongues out?

722
00:51:49,839 --> 00:51:53,159
- No, definitely not.
- I'm fucking with you.

723
00:51:55,759 --> 00:51:58,878
Just beat them at
their own game.

724
00:51:58,878 --> 00:52:01,558
By being
yourself.

725
00:52:08,957 --> 00:52:13,476
Well, if you really wanna be
popular, consider two little words:

726
00:52:13,476 --> 00:52:14,556
Sex tape.

727
00:52:31,433 --> 00:52:33,953
Lois, you don't need
these assholes.

728
00:52:33,953 --> 00:52:36,913
If I can dress like them,
so can you.

729
00:52:36,913 --> 00:52:40,311
It's a gift. From some drug
dealer who went missing.

730
00:52:41,711 --> 00:52:45,711
Just because you dress like us, doesn't
mean that you can be like one of us.

731
00:52:45,711 --> 00:52:48,949
It doesn't matter what costume
I wear, yours or mine.

732
00:52:48,949 --> 00:52:51,829
I'm a superhero.
That's who I am.

733
00:52:51,829 --> 00:52:55,750
Okay, Captain Muffin-muncher.
Have fun playing make-believe.

734
00:52:55,750 --> 00:52:58,109
This, is all make-
believe, Brooke.

735
00:52:58,109 --> 00:53:01,028
The reality is,
you're an evil bitch.

736
00:53:01,028 --> 00:53:03,867
Who's just as bad as
the worst criminal scum.

737
00:53:03,867 --> 00:53:07,307
You wanna get real, Mindy?
In the real world, I win.

738
00:53:07,307 --> 00:53:10,226
I go to an awesome college,
I marry a hot guy,

739
00:53:10,226 --> 00:53:12,586
and I make adorable babies for
my nanny to take care of

740
00:53:12,586 --> 00:53:14,746
while we vacate
in Paris.

741
00:53:14,746 --> 00:53:18,386
My life is gonna rock.
And yours is gonna suck.

742
00:53:18,386 --> 00:53:20,665
And no matter how
slutty you dress,

743
00:53:20,665 --> 00:53:24,145
no boy is ever gonna wanna
kiss that hole you call a mouth.

744
00:53:24,145 --> 00:53:27,664
So why don't you spare us all
the whining and slit your wrists now.

745
00:53:27,664 --> 00:53:31,943
'Cause the only thing that's gonna ruin my
day is looking at your face one more second.

746
00:53:31,943 --> 00:53:32,663
Told her.

747
00:53:35,623 --> 00:53:38,383
What's that? A
ghetto cellphone?

748
00:53:38,383 --> 00:53:41,581
Gonna call for help
with a comeback?

749
00:53:41,581 --> 00:53:45,261
Actually, my daddy bought this
from a disgruntled darpo employee.

750
00:53:45,261 --> 00:53:48,180
You see it was designed for crowd
control but deemed too severe.

751
00:53:48,180 --> 00:53:52,019
It emits a pulse that creates
spontaneous nausea and diarrhea.

752
00:53:53,139 --> 00:53:55,179
He called it
the "sick stick".

753
00:53:55,179 --> 00:53:59,379
Well, either your dad got ripped off, or you're
back in make-believe land, sweetheart.

754
00:53:59,379 --> 00:54:01,498
Because we
feel fabulous.

755
00:54:01,498 --> 00:54:03,537
Not for long.

756
00:54:10,936 --> 00:54:13,656
Oh, my God!

757
00:54:14,416 --> 00:54:17,215
You get away from me.
Please. You win.

758
00:54:17,215 --> 00:54:21,614
I don't want to win. I just want to
make the world a better place.

759
00:54:42,371 --> 00:54:46,211
Is this what you've been up to while I'm out
working nights saving for your college? You've been,

760
00:54:46,211 --> 00:54:50,650
dressing up and fighting people?
There is blood on these stick-things.

761
00:54:51,610 --> 00:54:53,169
What are you doing
in my room?

762
00:54:53,169 --> 00:54:54,169
Dad!

763
00:54:54,169 --> 00:54:54,969
Are you at home?

764
00:54:54,969 --> 00:54:56,289
I was looking for drugs.
I was worried about you.

765
00:54:56,289 --> 00:54:59,409
- Okay, well now you can stop.
- No. Now I'm even more worried.

766
00:54:59,409 --> 00:55:03,408
Jesus, Dave. Drugs would have been
better. This is deranged.

767
00:55:03,408 --> 00:55:06,087
- Some people do a lot worse.
- Oh, the people you hang out with?

768
00:55:06,087 --> 00:55:09,327
No, the people I hang out
with are superheroes.

769
00:55:09,327 --> 00:55:14,206
There is no such thing, Dave. This
is the real world, with real consequences.

770
00:55:14,206 --> 00:55:17,285
- When are you gonna grow up?
- If it means turning into you, never.

771
00:55:17,285 --> 00:55:20,845
I don't wear that mask 'cause I'm
ashamed of who I am. Not like you.

772
00:55:22,164 --> 00:55:25,484
- What's that supposed to mean?
- You're out of work. You're here doing crunches.

773
00:55:25,484 --> 00:55:29,844
Why? So you'd look like someone else?
Maybe get a few more years of doing nothing?

774
00:55:29,844 --> 00:55:33,442
Your life has no meaning, dad.
When you're gone, who's gonna notice?

775
00:55:33,442 --> 00:55:38,162
- Where the hell are you going?
-Oh, I'm leaving. That's what you do when you grow up.

776
00:55:44,801 --> 00:55:47,200
Did he say why
he wanted to see me?

777
00:55:47,200 --> 00:55:50,680
When your uncle Ralph
calls, don't ask questions.

778
00:55:53,239 --> 00:55:55,518
That's the kid?

779
00:55:56,119 --> 00:55:59,839
Chris, just be cool
and you'll be fine.

780
00:56:03,757 --> 00:56:06,717
- Hey, how you doing?
- Good, Uncle Ralph.

781
00:56:06,717 --> 00:56:11,357
Listen, Chris things have been tough
all around since your dad, you know....

782
00:56:14,556 --> 00:56:19,715
- Uncle Ralph, they record these things.
- It's fine. The warden's a pal.

783
00:56:19,715 --> 00:56:24,754
Now listen to me. It's okay to have a bit of fun.
But you can't go hiring a gang of heavy-hitters.

784
00:56:24,754 --> 00:56:28,194
- Javier should have told you.
- It doesn't matter.

785
00:56:28,194 --> 00:56:31,913
Uncle Ralph, I am gonna make Kick-Ass
pay for what he did to us.

786
00:56:31,913 --> 00:56:35,032
Chris, you need to
forget that punk.

787
00:56:35,032 --> 00:56:40,112
It's more important that you stay out of this.
You're not like me, or your dad. You're, uhh...

788
00:56:40,672 --> 00:56:42,872
Special.

789
00:56:45,870 --> 00:56:48,951
You can't tell me
what to do anymore.

790
00:56:49,310 --> 00:56:54,949
- I know who I am now.
- Oh, yeah? And who's that?

791
00:56:54,949 --> 00:56:55,949
The Motherfucker.

792
00:57:01,508 --> 00:57:04,707
You think you're the
big bad guy, huh?

793
00:57:05,547 --> 00:57:09,187
Let me show you what
real evil looks like.

794
00:57:17,985 --> 00:57:19,665
<i>Hello?</i>

795
00:57:19,985 --> 00:57:23,544
- Javier, what's going on?
- Chris, what's up?

796
00:57:23,544 --> 00:57:28,424
What are you doing on Lou's phone, huh? You
dropped yours in the toilet again? Everything okay?

797
00:57:51,100 --> 00:57:54,779
Thank you for that.
I needed it.

798
00:57:55,539 --> 00:57:58,579
- For what comes next.
- Don't be stupid, Chris.

799
00:57:58,579 --> 00:58:01,339
Just get out of town for a while.
Go to college or something.

800
00:58:01,339 --> 00:58:06,537
Why? You just taught me
everything I needed to know.

801
00:58:11,936 --> 00:58:16,935
Voila! Presto and
alaca-damn!

802
00:58:16,935 --> 00:58:20,375
Them boys designed a
very tasty logo.

803
00:58:23,535 --> 00:58:26,053
What's the matter, girl?
Do you hear something?

804
00:58:27,374 --> 00:58:30,253
Come on, let's go
see. Come on!

805
00:58:34,853 --> 00:58:37,372
Anybody
out here?

806
00:58:38,572 --> 00:58:40,771
I don't
see anything.

807
00:58:41,372 --> 00:58:44,851
You'll have to stay in there until
you calm down, you lunatic.

808
00:58:49,050 --> 00:58:51,210
I wonder what's
bothering you.

809
00:58:51,210 --> 00:58:55,809
I know. Tonight,
you die.

810
00:58:55,809 --> 00:58:59,288
- Ladies first.
- You will not shoot me.

811
00:58:59,288 --> 00:59:04,128
You are superhero. You help
people. You do not hurt them.

812
00:59:04,128 --> 00:59:06,567
That's supervillain territory.
Or as I call my little gang,

813
00:59:06,567 --> 00:59:11,446
- The "Toxic Mega-Cunts".
- Hi.

814
00:59:16,326 --> 00:59:19,245
Yeah, like
your head.

815
00:59:31,083 --> 00:59:33,603
That's gotta hurt.

816
00:59:44,921 --> 00:59:47,720
I did my homework
on you, Colonel.

817
00:59:48,000 --> 00:59:54,480
You used to be Sal Bertolinni, didn't you? Did a few
jobs for my dad back in the day before you got born again.

818
00:59:54,480 --> 00:59:58,278
I used to hang with,
a lot of losers.

819
00:59:58,878 --> 01:00:03,118
Is this how you thought you'd die, Sal?
Dressed like an idiot?

820
01:00:04,598 --> 01:00:08,397
- Who are you supposed to be?
- I'm The Motherfucker!

821
01:00:08,397 --> 01:00:11,717
And I'm here to end Kick-
Ass. Not just kill him,

822
01:00:15,916 --> 01:00:18,915
Let's trash this
place, guys.

823
01:00:24,755 --> 01:00:27,154
Miranda Swedlow.

824
01:00:27,635 --> 01:00:31,953
Who's that, Sal? She one of
the whores on your team?

825
01:00:44,311 --> 01:00:47,951
Night Bitch. All snuggled
up to Kick-Ass.

826
01:00:47,951 --> 01:00:51,630
Looks like our boy's
got a new hot pocket!

827
01:00:52,190 --> 01:00:54,350
Want me to
kill his dog?

828
01:00:54,350 --> 01:00:57,829
The dog? Jesus Christ,
I'm not that evil.

829
01:00:58,988 --> 01:01:02,828
Cut the old man's head off.
Are you guys hungry? I'm starving.

830
01:01:02,828 --> 01:01:05,188
- Come on.
- Pizza, can we get pizza?

831
01:01:05,188 --> 01:01:06,548
We're getting pizza.

832
01:01:06,548 --> 01:01:10,267
Don't worry.
I kill you first.

833
01:01:12,106 --> 01:01:16,186
Justice,
Forever...

834
01:01:16,186 --> 01:01:19,305
A Brooklyn resident was found
decapitated last night.

835
01:01:19,305 --> 01:01:22,505
According to Twitter, a man claiming
to be the world's first supervillain...

836
01:01:22,505 --> 01:01:25,944
I told you, no TV. You're
grounded, remember?

837
01:01:25,944 --> 01:01:28,024
Marcus, I know I
made you a promise.

838
01:01:28,024 --> 01:01:31,623
But I can't keep being someone I'm not.
When I see evil, I have to stop it.

839
01:01:31,623 --> 01:01:34,503
Mindy what you did to those girls
at school, was unacceptable.

840
01:01:34,503 --> 01:01:36,703
- You could've really hurt them.
- You're right. I could have.

841
01:01:36,703 --> 01:01:40,781
But instead, I sent them home
with tummy aches. Boo-fucking-hoo!

842
01:01:40,781 --> 01:01:43,661
This obsession that you
have with revenge is not healthy.

843
01:01:43,661 --> 01:01:46,901
If you don't let me, and the police do our jobs, then
there's gonna be nothing that I can do for you.

844
01:01:46,901 --> 01:01:49,980
You're never gonna have a normal life, and
you'll probably end up like your father.

845
01:01:49,980 --> 01:01:53,259
Marcus, they cut a guy's head off.
Who else is going to stop them?

846
01:01:53,259 --> 01:01:56,019
Kick-Ass?
You?

847
01:01:56,019 --> 01:01:58,819
You go to your room
and do your homework.

848
01:02:07,617 --> 01:02:09,297
Now!

849
01:02:12,256 --> 01:02:16,336
Hey, guys. We're signing a sympathy
card for the Colonel's sister.

850
01:02:16,336 --> 01:02:20,534
You wanna go 5 bucks each so we
can send flowers from the team?

851
01:02:22,054 --> 01:02:25,854
- Did you guys see The Motherfucker's Twitter page?
- Who is this guy? And what's his problem with us?

852
01:02:25,854 --> 01:02:28,574
I don't know, man, but he
has got some elephant-sized balls.

853
01:02:28,574 --> 01:02:31,253
He's been bragging on the web
about what they did to the Colonel.

854
01:02:31,253 --> 01:02:35,172
- Can that be traced?
- I tried. His IP address is masked.

855
01:02:35,413 --> 01:02:40,093
Alright, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna organize a fight.
There're a lot of guys online who's said they're in if we need them.

856
01:02:40,093 --> 01:02:42,611
Are you kidding me? This
isn't West Side Story.

857
01:02:42,611 --> 01:02:45,610
We didn't join up to be in a gang.
We did it so we could help people.

858
01:02:45,610 --> 01:02:47,930
Sharon's right. We need to
leave this to the cops.

859
01:02:47,930 --> 01:02:52,769
Well we better start walking in pairs. The Motherfucker's
tweeted that the Colonel was just the beginning.

860
01:02:53,369 --> 01:02:56,369
Anybody seen
Night Bitch?

861
01:03:05,807 --> 01:03:11,486
- You sure she's on their team?
- Stupid gash. It's posted on a superhero page that she's dating Kick-Ass.

862
01:03:11,486 --> 01:03:14,245
So, yeah, I'm
damn sure.

863
01:03:17,206 --> 01:03:19,485
Hello, Night Bitch!

864
01:03:21,605 --> 01:03:23,924
I think she wants to
take the party upstairs!

865
01:03:23,924 --> 01:03:25,924
We're gonna
have a party.

866
01:03:25,924 --> 01:03:29,044
She closed
the door!

867
01:03:32,642 --> 01:03:37,602
Don't worry, darling. I'm not gonna kill you. I
want you to give a message to your boyfriend.

868
01:03:40,762 --> 01:03:42,121
Let go!

869
01:03:42,121 --> 01:03:44,681
You're done banging
superheroes, baby!

870
01:03:44,681 --> 01:03:48,641
It's time to see what
evil dick feels like.

871
01:03:54,639 --> 01:03:56,519
Shit!

872
01:03:56,519 --> 01:03:58,678
What's wrong?

873
01:04:00,119 --> 01:04:02,238
What are
you doing?

874
01:04:04,118 --> 01:04:05,957
Come on!

875
01:04:06,878 --> 01:04:10,357
God, okay, I'm just...
I'm not in the mood!

876
01:04:10,357 --> 01:04:12,757
I guess evil
dick feels limp.

877
01:04:12,757 --> 01:04:13,957
Hurt her.

878
01:04:16,515 --> 01:04:18,916
Cops are
coming.

879
01:04:18,916 --> 01:04:22,275
Leave it to Mother Russia.
She makes ten times what we do.

880
01:04:22,275 --> 01:04:26,994
Fifty thousand per
week, plus expenses.

881
01:04:27,314 --> 01:04:29,434
Watch out!

882
01:04:48,431 --> 01:04:50,630
Reverse it,
reverse it!

883
01:04:51,670 --> 01:04:53,270
Damn!

884
01:04:59,389 --> 01:05:01,429
Don't move!
Freeze!

885
01:05:06,347 --> 01:05:09,947
Fifty thousand.
She's worth it!

886
01:05:17,305 --> 01:05:21,305
Why is he backing up? Why's
there a lawnmower on the trunk?

887
01:05:32,063 --> 01:05:34,463
We need back-up!
Eight men down!

888
01:05:34,463 --> 01:05:37,542
I think you
mean ten.

889
01:05:46,020 --> 01:05:47,381
Let's bounce!

890
01:05:47,381 --> 01:05:51,700
Put the word out. I'm building an evil army.
All psychopaths and ex-cons welcome.

891
01:05:51,700 --> 01:05:55,299
I don't think you can have a problem,
when people hear about this.

892
01:05:59,259 --> 01:06:01,258
They just
disappeared?

893
01:06:01,258 --> 01:06:05,657
All they have to do is take off their masks. No one's
gonna recognize them once they're back in their street clothes.

894
01:06:05,657 --> 01:06:07,417
Your attention, please!

895
01:06:07,417 --> 01:06:11,377
Feds traced the IP addresses for
all those other costumed freaks.

896
01:06:11,377 --> 01:06:15,177
Now we got every law enforcement agency
in the state working to hit them at once.

897
01:06:15,177 --> 01:06:17,975
Why is Kick-Ass on this list?
His crew does community service.

898
01:06:17,975 --> 01:06:21,215
I don't give a shit! Anyone wearing
a mask, is getting detained.

899
01:06:21,215 --> 01:06:23,615
We're putting an
end to this tonight!

900
01:06:23,615 --> 01:06:27,094
A lot of people have said the cops
were too heavy-handed that night.

901
01:06:28,054 --> 01:06:30,733
But you gotta
put it in context.

902
01:06:31,374 --> 01:06:33,813
The police didn't mind our
real-life superhero stuff

903
01:06:34,093 --> 01:06:37,571
as long as we were picking up litter,
or helping old ladies cross the street.

904
01:06:38,811 --> 01:06:41,492
But suddenly,
it was serious.

905
01:06:41,772 --> 01:06:46,130
Suddenly we represented everything
that was wrong with society.

906
01:06:47,490 --> 01:06:51,610
Dad had warned me that the
real world had real consequences.

907
01:06:51,610 --> 01:06:55,569
Once they pulled up, he must've been
feeling pretty damn vindicated.

908
01:06:57,088 --> 01:07:00,928
Shit, Dave, what
have you done?

909
01:07:03,928 --> 01:07:06,168
Police, open up!

910
01:07:09,406 --> 01:07:12,126
- Hey.
- Hi.

911
01:07:12,126 --> 01:07:12,846
Me, Kick-Ass?

912
01:07:19,445 --> 01:07:22,805
You're actually pretty
cute under that mask.

913
01:07:22,805 --> 01:07:25,685
I'm so sorry about
what happened.

914
01:07:25,685 --> 01:07:26,525
Don't be.

915
01:07:28,284 --> 01:07:32,803
- It's my own fault.
- We're gonna find these assholes and make this right.

916
01:07:32,803 --> 01:07:35,683
What's the point?

917
01:07:36,003 --> 01:07:40,042
I mean we're really superheroes
but as much as we're really dating.

918
01:07:40,042 --> 01:07:42,841
We don't even know
each other's names.

919
01:07:43,681 --> 01:07:47,121
I think it's time to get
back to the real world.

920
01:07:47,121 --> 01:07:50,600
I thought we were trying to
make it a better place.

921
01:07:51,199 --> 01:07:53,920
Then why is
it worse?

922
01:07:54,880 --> 01:07:59,679
Maybe Night Bitch was right.
Which means Dad was, too.

923
01:07:59,998 --> 01:08:03,278
I mean, things have
gone out of hand.

924
01:08:03,278 --> 01:08:07,438
Maybe it was time for me to stop crashing
at Marty's, and start apologizing.

925
01:08:17,516 --> 01:08:19,075
Dad?

926
01:08:19,714 --> 01:08:21,715
- That's my Dad!
- Your dad's Kick-Ass?

927
01:08:21,715 --> 01:08:24,554
- What?
- Yeah, he just gave himself up.

928
01:08:25,995 --> 01:08:29,673
You don't understand. He's
doing this to protect me. Dad!

929
01:08:30,033 --> 01:08:31,793
Dad!
What...

930
01:08:47,791 --> 01:08:49,990
- Mindy? I need your help.
- Dave?

931
01:08:49,990 --> 01:08:53,270
My dad's been arrested. They think he's
Kick-Ass. Can you talk to Marcus?

932
01:08:53,270 --> 01:08:54,709
- I'm grounded.
- So?

933
01:08:54,709 --> 01:08:56,830
So that means I
can't get involved.

934
01:08:56,830 --> 01:08:58,789
- Okay, look.
- I wish I could help.

935
01:08:58,789 --> 01:09:00,708
Mindy, are you
on the phone?

936
01:09:00,708 --> 01:09:04,508
- Look, I got to go, okay? I'm sorry, Dave.
- Mindy, wait, wait.

937
01:09:16,946 --> 01:09:20,585
- Hey, what the hell are you thinking?
- Yeah? I can ask you the same thing.

938
01:09:20,585 --> 01:09:23,904
- I can't believe you lied to them.
- I'm not supposed to do nothing while you went to jail.

939
01:09:23,904 --> 01:09:27,305
I chose this. You should let me
deal with the consequences.

940
01:09:27,305 --> 01:09:32,103
- I thought you wanted me to grow up.
- Well when you get a kid of your own one day, you'll understand.

941
01:09:32,103 --> 01:09:35,343
- I'mma tell them the truth.
- No, hey, it'll just make things worse. Look,

942
01:09:35,343 --> 01:09:38,943
I spoke to my attorney, and he said
they gotta let me out by tomorrow.

943
01:09:38,943 --> 01:09:42,061
No actual crimes
committed.

944
01:09:42,981 --> 01:09:47,460
There are people out there
who wanna kill Kick-Ass.

945
01:09:47,460 --> 01:09:49,461
Well, the cops are
out there looking for them.

946
01:09:49,461 --> 01:09:53,300
So the safest place for Kick-
Ass is right here, locked away.

947
01:09:53,300 --> 01:09:55,779
Dave I don't know how
you got into all this shit but,

948
01:09:55,779 --> 01:09:59,859
you got to promise me that you
will never dress up in that outfit again.

949
01:09:59,859 --> 01:10:02,697
You hear me?

950
01:10:08,418 --> 01:10:11,096
I promise.

951
01:10:18,376 --> 01:10:21,415
This evil
lair owns!

952
01:10:21,415 --> 01:10:25,374
- Do people still say that? "Own"?
- Yeah, of course.

953
01:10:25,374 --> 01:10:28,774
- Your shark, something's wrong.
- I think it's the wrong kind of water.

954
01:10:28,774 --> 01:10:31,173
- What the hell, Eyal?
- It's fine, Chris.

955
01:10:31,173 --> 01:10:35,572
They're supposed to lie at the bottom of the tank. It's
just their way of, how you say, settling into their environment.

956
01:10:35,572 --> 01:10:40,052
Don't screw me on this, okay? You said we'd be
running in two days, we don't even have a men's wing yet.

957
01:10:40,052 --> 01:10:41,291
Don't worry.

958
01:10:41,291 --> 01:10:44,971
- What's with the bags of shit?
- It's fertilizer for the bombs!

959
01:10:44,971 --> 01:10:47,930
You're not a supervillain if you don't
have a plan to destroy the city.

960
01:10:47,930 --> 01:10:50,810
It will not work. You
need the chemical kind.

961
01:10:50,810 --> 01:10:53,889
Do I have to do everything
myself? Just fix it.

962
01:10:53,889 --> 01:10:57,489
You must relax. Everything
is going as planned.

963
01:10:57,729 --> 01:11:00,408
No, no, no. Except
that it's not, okay?

964
01:11:00,408 --> 01:11:05,008
That sad sack is not Kick-Ass.
I've seen Kick-Ass, he's at my age.

965
01:11:05,328 --> 01:11:09,367
- That guy is old enough to be his father.
- No shit, right?

966
01:11:09,367 --> 01:11:11,847
I'm sorry,
who are you?

967
01:11:11,847 --> 01:11:14,805
I volunteered for your army,
like the others.

968
01:11:14,805 --> 01:11:18,405
Right, I appreciate that. Thanks
for joining the cause.

969
01:11:18,405 --> 01:11:21,845
This is the VIP area
for the core group.

970
01:11:21,845 --> 01:11:25,924
I just thought it's funny you said that.
Because he is Kick-Ass' father.

971
01:11:25,924 --> 01:11:29,364
- Who?
- Mr. Lizewski, he's Kick-Ass' dad.

972
01:11:29,644 --> 01:11:33,523
- Shut up!
- Yeah.

973
01:11:33,523 --> 01:11:36,482
- You're not telling anyone?
- No!

974
01:11:36,482 --> 01:11:41,162
But you, my friend, have just
earned lifetime access to my VIP area.

975
01:11:41,162 --> 01:11:43,521
Go take a
seat. Alright?

976
01:11:43,521 --> 01:11:47,921
Hey, get the kid a Frappuchino. Let me
put his little punk ass back to work.

977
01:11:51,801 --> 01:11:53,399
Okay.

978
01:11:54,079 --> 01:11:55,919
Come on.

979
01:12:07,838 --> 01:12:11,677
- Can I help you?
- The Motherfucker wants us to take a picture with you.

980
01:12:12,516 --> 01:12:14,556
Helps that my dad is
a really good lawyer.

981
01:12:14,556 --> 01:12:18,636
I don't think my beautiful ass would
last too long in prison.

982
01:12:18,636 --> 01:12:22,555
That's weird. Chris D'Amico
just texted me a picture.

983
01:12:22,555 --> 01:12:26,554
Red Mist? Whatever
happened to that guy?

984
01:12:31,713 --> 01:12:33,513
What is it?

985
01:12:33,513 --> 01:12:35,793
Dude, what's wrong?

986
01:12:54,189 --> 01:12:57,348
The next few days
passed in a fog.

987
01:12:58,349 --> 01:13:01,989
It didn't matter that I told
the police about Chris.

988
01:13:01,989 --> 01:13:04,148
They couldn't
find him.

989
01:13:04,947 --> 01:13:08,107
The cops did show up
at dad's funeral.

990
01:13:08,107 --> 01:13:12,067
Not out of respect, but because they
were scared that something would happen.

991
01:13:12,986 --> 01:13:15,266
My dad was
a decent man.

992
01:13:15,266 --> 01:13:18,986
All he ever did was
try and give me a good life.

993
01:13:18,986 --> 01:13:21,825
And I told him no one would
notice when he was gone.

994
01:13:21,825 --> 01:13:24,265
I love you, pal.

995
01:13:24,505 --> 01:13:27,224
I love you
too, Dad.

996
01:13:33,264 --> 01:13:34,823
You guys came.

997
01:13:34,823 --> 01:13:38,421
We would love to help you track
down this Chris D'Amico d-bag, but,

998
01:13:38,421 --> 01:13:40,821
we just got
out on parole.

999
01:13:40,821 --> 01:13:44,782
No, it's fine. I'm not
looking for revenge.

1000
01:13:44,782 --> 01:13:48,341
The last thing I promised my dad,
was that I was gonna give this up.

1001
01:13:48,341 --> 01:13:50,900
And that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

1002
01:13:50,900 --> 01:13:53,180
But you started this.

1003
01:13:53,180 --> 01:13:55,939
And now I'm
ending it.

1004
01:14:03,259 --> 01:14:05,298
Dave, I'm
so sorry.

1005
01:14:05,298 --> 01:14:07,577
Do you hate me
for not helping?

1006
01:14:07,577 --> 01:14:11,737
No, not even a little bit.
You were right.

1007
01:14:11,737 --> 01:14:13,896
You gave
it up.

1008
01:14:13,896 --> 01:14:18,376
If I had too, my dad
would still be alive.

1009
01:14:19,615 --> 01:14:22,295
The only person I
blame is myself.

1010
01:14:36,013 --> 01:14:37,812
That's him!

1011
01:14:39,771 --> 01:14:41,851
Get down!

1012
01:14:44,891 --> 01:14:45,611
Mindy!

1013
01:15:00,608 --> 01:15:02,568
- Over here!
- Dave!

1014
01:15:09,406 --> 01:15:10,887
Come on!

1015
01:15:10,887 --> 01:15:12,446
Oh my God!

1016
01:15:16,126 --> 01:15:17,726
Get him!

1017
01:15:17,726 --> 01:15:20,725
Get that car
over here.

1018
01:15:25,564 --> 01:15:27,244
Mindy!

1019
01:15:27,564 --> 01:15:28,603
Mindy!

1020
01:15:37,203 --> 01:15:38,562
Mindy!

1021
01:15:44,322 --> 01:15:46,761
You're gonna
put this on.

1022
01:15:50,880 --> 01:15:51,720
I'm not gonna
do it.

1023
01:15:54,000 --> 01:15:57,399
There's nothing that you
can do to hurt me.

1024
01:15:59,318 --> 01:16:01,558
You wanna bet?

1025
01:16:06,557 --> 01:16:09,957
Game on,
cocksuckers.

1026
01:16:12,236 --> 01:16:14,036
There's a girl
on the roof!

1027
01:16:26,474 --> 01:16:28,674
She's still
up there!

1028
01:16:44,071 --> 01:16:47,151
- I think I got her.
- Go check!

1029
01:16:55,590 --> 01:16:58,429
Get out there!

1030
01:17:41,061 --> 01:17:44,181
Pull over,
pukeface.

1031
01:17:46,701 --> 01:17:49,660
We know Chris D'Amico's The
Motherfucker. Where is he hiding?

1032
01:17:49,660 --> 01:17:51,859
- Eat a dick!
- You're gonna eat yours if you don't start talking.

1033
01:17:51,859 --> 01:17:54,020
Go ahead and shoot me,
you little bitch.

1034
01:17:54,020 --> 01:17:57,219
There's nothing you can
do that'll make me talk.

1035
01:17:57,219 --> 01:18:01,498
Hold on. I can't do this right
now. It's my dad's funeral.

1036
01:18:01,498 --> 01:18:04,578
Dave, your father loved you.

1037
01:18:06,058 --> 01:18:09,057
Just like my daddy loved me.
And I know it hurts.

1038
01:18:09,258 --> 01:18:13,936
But maybe-maybe that's the
real meaning of being a superhero.

1039
01:18:14,256 --> 01:18:18,336
It's taking that pain and turning
it into something good.

1040
01:18:18,616 --> 01:18:20,976
Something right.

1041
01:18:20,976 --> 01:18:23,735
Remember what
you told me?

1042
01:18:23,735 --> 01:18:27,854
"This is your life.
You got to live it."

1043
01:18:28,414 --> 01:18:32,893
Now help me find some pliers.
I'm gonna make this guy eat his own dick.

1044
01:18:32,893 --> 01:18:33,733
Seriously?

1045
01:18:36,852 --> 01:18:38,332
- Hello?
- Marcus?

1046
01:18:38,332 --> 01:18:40,732
Mindy, what's going on?
Are you okay?

1047
01:18:40,732 --> 01:18:43,651
I'm fine. We know where
The Motherfucker's hiding.

1048
01:18:43,651 --> 01:18:46,571
He recruiting an army of supervillains
and making homemade bombs.

1049
01:18:46,571 --> 01:18:48,291
Marcus, he wants to
burn the city down.

1050
01:18:48,291 --> 01:18:52,329
- You promised me.
- I know you see me as this little girl.

1051
01:18:52,329 --> 01:18:54,969
But I'm not, and
I never was.

1052
01:18:54,969 --> 01:18:58,289
You're right. Daddy did
take my childhood away.

1053
01:18:58,289 --> 01:19:00,369
But I'm not so sure
that was a bad thing.

1054
01:19:00,369 --> 01:19:05,087
Marcus, he gave me a gift. A gift that
I can't escape no matter how hard I try.

1055
01:19:05,087 --> 01:19:09,327
Allow me to spend the next four years
of my life trying to figure out who I am.

1056
01:19:09,327 --> 01:19:12,007
Because I
already know.

1057
01:19:14,006 --> 01:19:14,726
I'm Hit-Girl.

1058
01:19:16,286 --> 01:19:20,005
(updating status)

1059
01:19:20,366 --> 01:19:24,884
Posted the address. You think
they'll show? Chris has an army.

1060
01:19:24,884 --> 01:19:29,524
These real-life superdweebs have been
waiting their whole lives for a call like this.

1061
01:19:38,763 --> 01:19:42,522
- You okay?
- Wha-Yeah. No, I'm-I'm fine.

1062
01:19:42,522 --> 01:19:45,761
Here, take this.

1063
01:19:46,080 --> 01:19:48,400
Last resort really
isn't my style.

1064
01:19:48,400 --> 01:19:51,000
Dave, this isn't
a comic book.

1065
01:19:51,000 --> 01:19:55,679
Real people are gonna die tonight.
My Daddy was prepared for anything.

1066
01:19:56,039 --> 01:19:58,159
Are you?

1067
01:20:02,479 --> 01:20:03,229
Yeah.

1068
01:20:05,277 --> 01:20:06,027
I am.

1069
01:20:14,596 --> 01:20:17,156
They should be
back by now.

1070
01:20:17,156 --> 01:20:21,116
It's definitely dead. It says on the internet,
you're supposed keep it on freshwater.

1071
01:20:21,116 --> 01:20:25,834
It is just hungry.
We must feed it.

1072
01:20:26,474 --> 01:20:28,153
Why are you
looking at me?

1073
01:20:28,153 --> 01:20:30,554
Oh, we gotta get
this shit started!

1074
01:20:32,034 --> 01:20:35,233
Have I got a show
for you, bitches!

1075
01:20:38,032 --> 01:20:38,992
(Motherfucker!)

1076
01:20:43,032 --> 01:20:47,871
Alright, party people!
We are gonna kill Kick-Ass,

1077
01:20:47,871 --> 01:20:51,470
the very first superhero.
Together.

1078
01:20:51,470 --> 01:20:56,509
We are gonna cut him up into little
pieces and feed that shit to MC Shark,

1079
01:20:56,509 --> 01:21:00,589
and post it all over YouTube.
For reals!

1080
01:21:01,589 --> 01:21:04,068
- He's kidding, right?
- Motherfucker don't kid.

1081
01:21:04,068 --> 01:21:10,147
That's not it. I'm gonna give each and
every one of you, party favor fertilizer bombs.

1082
01:21:10,147 --> 01:21:13,427
And we are gonna get our riot on!
That's what it means to be evil.

1083
01:21:13,427 --> 01:21:16,585
We, my friends, are
the real one percent.

1084
01:21:16,585 --> 01:21:20,185
And tonight we're gonna fuck
this city up, or my name is not---

1085
01:21:20,185 --> 01:21:23,465
Chris D'Amico!

1086
01:21:23,785 --> 01:21:26,143
That is not
my name!

1087
01:21:27,744 --> 01:21:29,743
No, you're right.

1088
01:21:29,743 --> 01:21:33,303
Your new name's
Little Bitch.

1089
01:21:35,583 --> 01:21:37,783
Oh, this
is perfect.

1090
01:21:38,022 --> 01:21:40,782
Are you really
that stupid?

1091
01:21:40,782 --> 01:21:45,981
There's two of you, and
a whole army of us.

1092
01:21:46,900 --> 01:21:50,381
Do you really have
such a hard-on to die?

1093
01:21:50,381 --> 01:21:54,340
No, that's why we
brought our friends.

1094
01:22:24,015 --> 01:22:27,374
What's the matter, Chris?
Shit hit your shorts?

1095
01:22:27,374 --> 01:22:31,813
Yeah. And I'm gonna wipe
my ass with your face.

1096
01:22:32,773 --> 01:22:36,253
You're gonna pay for what
you did to my dad.

1097
01:22:36,533 --> 01:22:38,052
Your dad?

1098
01:22:38,052 --> 01:22:41,411
You blew up my dad
with a bazooka!

1099
01:23:12,487 --> 01:23:14,727
Are you ready to
die, little girl?

1100
01:23:14,727 --> 01:23:19,325
I might be, if I have to keep looking
at that shit stain you call a face.

1101
01:24:22,775 --> 01:24:26,775
Hold him down! I want to see
what his guts look like.

1102
01:24:30,533 --> 01:24:33,853
That's enough
from you boys.

1103
01:24:35,773 --> 01:24:38,213
Nicely done,
sweetheart.

1104
01:24:46,171 --> 01:24:47,171
That all you got?

1105
01:24:47,171 --> 01:24:49,891
No, I got my lethal
Zero-G device.

1106
01:24:49,891 --> 01:24:52,090
Bullshit.

1107
01:24:52,729 --> 01:24:55,049
No shit.

1108
01:25:09,447 --> 01:25:11,007
Are you okay?

1109
01:25:12,246 --> 01:25:15,406
Yeah, thanks.
"Ass-kicker".

1110
01:25:17,286 --> 01:25:19,326
Nice.

1111
01:26:22,654 --> 01:26:25,215
Jesus, you're
such a pussy.

1112
01:26:25,215 --> 01:26:28,934
What is the point of wearing a mask
if you can't do what you want?

1113
01:26:34,253 --> 01:26:36,173
I wanted to
do good.

1114
01:26:36,453 --> 01:26:39,293
No, people want
to win the lottery.

1115
01:26:39,293 --> 01:26:42,571
People want, to fuck
Scarlett Johansson.

1116
01:26:52,130 --> 01:26:56,649
You think you can kill
me, with little needle?

1117
01:27:14,046 --> 01:27:16,925
That's not
what it's for.

1118
01:27:19,326 --> 01:27:22,126
It's called
adrenaline, bitch.

1119
01:27:22,526 --> 01:27:24,565
What was that?
A cheap shot?

1120
01:27:24,565 --> 01:27:27,484
That, was
for the colonel.

1121
01:27:32,724 --> 01:27:35,162
That's for
Night Bitch.

1122
01:27:41,402 --> 01:27:44,241
And that's
for my dad.

1123
01:28:12,517 --> 01:28:13,417
(speaking Russian)

1124
01:28:17,436 --> 01:28:21,716
- What the hell are you doing?
- Saving your whiny ass.

1125
01:28:21,716 --> 01:28:25,595
No, I won't let you foul this.
I'd rather die!

1126
01:28:25,595 --> 01:28:29,874
What is wrong with you, dude?
This is not a comic book, it's real-life!

1127
01:28:29,874 --> 01:28:33,234
When you're dead, it's done!
There's no sequel.

1128
01:28:33,234 --> 01:28:38,032
You made this real. You started
it! Now I'm gonna finish it.

1129
01:28:38,032 --> 01:28:42,232
I'll be immortal,
like an evil Jesus.

1130
01:28:51,270 --> 01:28:53,271
Wait!

1131
01:29:06,547 --> 01:29:09,627
Dave! I'm
so sorry.

1132
01:29:16,826 --> 01:29:19,505
The feeling was,
indescribable.

1133
01:29:19,505 --> 01:29:22,226
Chris D'Amico,
dead.

1134
01:29:22,665 --> 01:29:25,984
His wanna-be supervillains,
defeated.

1135
01:29:27,144 --> 01:29:30,584
But did we make the
world a better place?

1136
01:29:31,104 --> 01:29:36,463
Or did we just finish something that began,
when I first put on this mask?

1137
01:29:38,263 --> 01:29:40,742
The cops
are coming.

1138
01:29:40,742 --> 01:29:45,262
They'll take care of the bad guys.
We better skedaddle before they get here.

1139
01:29:46,341 --> 01:29:47,821
- We did it.
- Fuck, yeah.

1140
01:29:47,821 --> 01:29:49,980
Hey, language.

1141
01:29:49,980 --> 01:29:55,220
You're right. If we're gonna dress like
heroes, we should act like heroes.

1142
01:29:55,220 --> 01:29:57,419
He'd be proud
of you, Dave.

1143
01:29:58,139 --> 01:30:00,419
He'd be proud
of all of us.

1144
01:30:01,779 --> 01:30:04,618
You know we can never
do this again, right?

1145
01:30:06,499 --> 01:30:08,377
It's over.

1146
01:30:11,017 --> 01:30:13,857
One last time.

1147
01:30:16,777 --> 01:30:19,096
What do you say,
Hit-Girl?

1148
01:30:19,096 --> 01:30:19,936
You in?

1149
01:30:21,535 --> 01:30:22,495
Why the
hell not?

1150
01:30:25,375 --> 01:30:28,333
Justice Forever!

1151
01:30:39,412 --> 01:30:43,291
Thanks for the ride.
I'll see you at school.

1152
01:30:45,172 --> 01:30:47,850
I'm leaving New
York, Dave.

1153
01:30:47,850 --> 01:30:51,930
I can't go home. I can't put
Marcus in that position.

1154
01:30:51,930 --> 01:30:54,930
Why, he won't arrest you.
You've just saved the city.

1155
01:30:54,930 --> 01:30:57,330
Yeah, well, I also killed 6
guys with a cop's gun.

1156
01:30:57,330 --> 01:31:00,489
Vigilantes don't
get a free pass.

1157
01:31:00,489 --> 01:31:03,048
You can't go.

1158
01:31:03,048 --> 01:31:08,527
- People need you.
- They've got you now.

1159
01:31:09,127 --> 01:31:10,887
I'm not
like you.

1160
01:31:10,887 --> 01:31:14,927
You don't have to be a badass
to be a superhero, Dave.

1161
01:31:16,127 --> 01:31:18,925
You just have
to be brave.

1162
01:31:29,964 --> 01:31:32,123
What was that?

1163
01:31:33,603 --> 01:31:36,523
That was my
first kiss.

1164
01:31:37,283 --> 01:31:40,922
Be nice or I'll rip your ass
out through your mouth.

1165
01:31:47,282 --> 01:31:49,280
When Mindy left,

1166
01:31:49,280 --> 01:31:52,680
that's when I finally understood
where my life was going.

1167
01:31:53,640 --> 01:31:56,079
Just like it had to
eventually happen.

1168
01:31:56,079 --> 01:31:59,759
When real people try
to be superheroes,

1169
01:31:59,759 --> 01:32:02,958
eventually, it
had to end, too.

1170
01:32:18,036 --> 01:32:21,515
Superheroes can't exist in
the real world for a reason.

1171
01:32:21,795 --> 01:32:26,394
It's because the real world,
needs real heroes.

1172
01:32:26,394 --> 01:32:29,554
And not some punk in a
wetsuit playing dress-up.

1173
01:32:30,034 --> 01:32:32,514
But a genuine badass...

1174
01:32:32,514 --> 01:32:35,513
Who can really
kick ass.

1175
01:32:35,953 --> 01:32:37,203
.....

1176
01:38:07,179 --> 01:38:10,491
No! Please.

1177
01:38:10,491 --> 01:38:12,187
Don't go!

1178
01:38:12,187 --> 01:38:14,824
Don't go!

1179
01:38:15,069 --> 01:38:17,628
Is anybody there?

1180
01:38:19,824 --> 01:38:20,574
Hello?

1181
01:38:25,690 --> 01:38:27,726
Some help,
please!

1182
01:38:27,726 --> 01:38:31,759
A shark bit my fucking dick off,
and I can't get some water?