1
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(HOOVER HUMMING)

2
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TIM: I'm 30 today.

3
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My mum got me up really early this morning to give me my present.

4
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Yeah, this is it, actually. It's nice.

5
00:00:48,534 --> 00:00:51,300
I'm into... I like ballet. I love the novels of Proust.

6
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I love the work of Alain Delon.

7
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And that's, I think, what influenced her into buying me Hat FM.

8
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I like the radio, too.

9
00:01:02,100 --> 00:01:04,467
Nah, it's all right. It's all right. I think it's quite a sweet present.

10
00:01:07,300 --> 00:01:10,934
I have to make sure Finchy gets here on time for the quiz tonight.

11
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7:00 on the dot.

12
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Six... Six years in a row. Winners.

13
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So, er... You know...

14
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Finchy! Brent. All right?

15
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Don't forget tonight. Oh, here we go. Straight away. Go on.

16
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What's black and slides down Nelson's Column? Don't know.

17
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Winnie Mandela? Oh, yeah, that's good.

18
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No, it's not racist. I thought the column because he's... Yeah.

19
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And she is black, and she's married. It's not even low.

20
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Yeah, 7:00. See you. Bye.

21
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What you doing in so early? Shit the bed?

22
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(LAUGHS) No. I haven't done that for weeks.

23
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No, my mum got me up at quarter to seven to give me a birthday present.

24
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-Happy birthday. -Thank you.

25
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What did she get you?

26
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Something you can wear.

27
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-The hat? -The hat, yes. Well done, yeah.

28
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Hiya. All right?

29
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-Happy birthday. -Thank you very much.

30
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Ta.

31
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-Oh, yeah. -Nice hat.

32
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Thanks.

33
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Um, good. That's all in order.

34
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"What's the difference between your wages and your penis?

35
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"I can find you lots of women who will blow your wages."

36
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-What's that? -(LAUGHS) I don't know.

37
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Why has that happened?

38
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Lock up your daughters, as they say.

39
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-Finch is on his way in for the quiz. -Oh, yeah?

40
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Chris Finch. Innit, Gareth?

41
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-Yeah. -Isn't he? Oh.

42
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Keep it that way and you'll only be able to use about 20% of it

43
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when you get me and him together!

44
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Gareth, innit?

45
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Hat.

46
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-It's Tim's birthday. -Oh, yeah?

47
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To be honest, I think you're mad to let me and Finchy on the bleeding telly!

48
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We're like Morecambe and Wise when we get together.

49
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Actually, not Morecambe and Wise, because there's no straight man,

50
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so there's no dead wood.

51
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So, um... I'm more sort of character based, and he's more of a gag man.

52
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I do gags as well.

53
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But I mean, good together, by now.

54
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We sort of read each other's minds when we're doing a bit of stick.

55
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We just start cracking up, and people watching go, "Why is that funny?"

56
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We tell them why and they go, "Oh, yeah. You are the best."

57
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It's their opinion.

58
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-Happy birthday, by the way. -Thank you.

59
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-Which one is it? -It's 30.

60
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The big 3-0. That's the worst one, isn't it?

61
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I know what you're thinking, "My youth's over."

62
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I remember when I was 30, like you, I was going,

63
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"Ooh, I'm in a rubbish job. My life's rubbish.

64
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"Nothing good ever happens to me. When will it change?"

65
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But, you know...

66
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-Things do change. -Mmm.

67
00:04:06,167 --> 00:04:10,300
And it could be worse. There's a neighbour of mine, Kelvin.

68
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He's 32 and he still lives with his parents.

69
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-I live with my parents. -Cherish them. Really.

70
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Because you will miss them when they're not around.

71
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Both, um... Both of mine are dead.

72
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-Oh. -So, er...

73
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Dad isn't dead. He's in a home.

74
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So as good as. Shot to bits. He was... Oh, God.

75
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Called out the other night, 3:00 am by the nurses.

76
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He was convinced there was a Japanese sniper on the roof of Debenhams.

77
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Does that look into his room?

78
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The back of the roof looks directly into his room, yeah.

79
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Good spot. It's a good spot.

80
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That's where I'd be if I had to take someone out that lived there.

81
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And I had to go up to the room with him, and go,

82
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"Look, Dad, there's no Japanese sniper."

83
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-So, who was it? Who was up there? -DAVID: No one was there.

84
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It was his imagination. There was no one there.

85
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GARETH: Lucky. That's lucky.

86
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'Cause if there was a sniper up there, you wouldn't see him.

87
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You'd be like, "Oh. Oh. No one there."

88
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(IMITATING GUNSHOT AND SPLATTER)

89
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Anyway, he is a vegetable now.

90
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And that's something we've all got to look forward to, so...

91
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Happy birthday.

92
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See you later.

93
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Wotcha.

94
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Shall we get him over here?

95
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Tim? Got you a pressie.

96
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-Oh, thanks a lot. Thank you. -Happy birthday, mate.

97
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Thanks very much, Lee. You're a good man.

98
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This is exciting.

99
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This is big. Big and exciting.

100
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It's a big, exciting, huge inflatable cock. God!

101
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-You can sit on that if you like. -Yay.

102
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It's not just from me, mate, it's from Dawn as well.

103
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God! You haven't got one already, have you?

104
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Um, no. You can never have too many, anyway.

105
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And you do prefer it to the money?

106
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Yeah. I'd have only spent it on a huge inflatable cock.

107
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-That is... -(DAVID LAUGHING)

108
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All right. Stop playing with it! Did you get him that?

109
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Brilliant. Oh, God, look at that.

110
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Let's have a little... Doink, doink!

111
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Ex-sperminate!

112
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(LAUGHING)

113
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Oh, no, no.

114
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"Hello, Austin Powers. I'm the naked Mini Me."

115
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I've got one. Thomas the Tank Engine rolled into town!

116
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Dickhead.

117
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Ringo Starr. Whose Line Is It Anyway?

118
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Don't grab it unless you've got one ready because it slows it down.

119
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Oh, that is brilliant.

120
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-Happy birthday. -Thank you.

121
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Remember, you're only as old as the woman you feel.

122
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-I say that sometimes. -I heard you say it the other day

123
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and I thought, "He's using one of my catchphrases."

124
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I don't mind influencing a young comedian.

125
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You're not a comedian.

126
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But, I usually credit somebody if I use their comedy.

127
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-What ones of yours do I use? -"Same shit, different day."

128
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That's mine. "Ex-squeeze me", instead of "excuse me".

129
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-Oh, "wank you very much". -Yeah. I invented that one.

130
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Say that to a waiter or something. Wank you very much!

131
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And here's one. Witnesses that I started this one.

132
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If someone's unlucky, you go, "I'm not saying he's unlucky,

133
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"but if he fell into a barrel full of tits,

134
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"he'd come up sucking his own thumb." Bit naughty.

135
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Suck tits? I thought you sucked knobs.

136
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Do ya? (LAUGHS)

137
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Got you!

138
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They're cracking up.

139
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Oh, God.

140
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Yeah. There are limits to my comedy.

141
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There are things I will never laugh at.

142
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Um...the handicapped.

143
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Because there's nothing funny about them.

144
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Or any deformity.

145
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Yeah? Um...

146
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It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go,

147
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"Oh, look at him. He's not able-bodied. I am. I'm prejudiced."

148
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Yeah?

149
00:08:05,801 --> 00:08:10,400
Well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded.

150
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Unless he's not. It's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones.

151
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So just give generously to all of them.

152
00:08:18,567 --> 00:08:22,767
Guys? Don't forget to say happy birthday to Tim today.

153
00:08:22,834 --> 00:08:25,300
And, also, we'll be going out for drinks later this evening.

154
00:08:25,367 --> 00:08:26,767
-What time? -Not tonight.

155
00:08:26,834 --> 00:08:28,534
-Why? -Quiz.

156
00:08:28,601 --> 00:08:30,801
Well, we can go out before. When does it start?

157
00:08:30,868 --> 00:08:33,634
-7:00. Always. -Okay. Drinks at 6:00, then.

158
00:08:33,701 --> 00:08:37,234
-Did you get him a gift? -No. But it starts at 7:00.

159
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I know. Well, okay. Drinks at 6:00.

160
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-Shall I get him a card from you? -Whatever.

161
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Finch is coming down, so got to be ready to go at 7:00.

162
00:08:44,767 --> 00:08:47,801
-Drinks at 6:00. -But starts at 7:00.

163
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DAWN: Drinks at 6:00.

164
00:08:55,767 --> 00:09:01,100
Studying? Quiz. Are you a team again?

165
00:09:01,167 --> 00:09:04,434
-Just three of you, is it? -Yeah.

166
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:07,000
-Are you excited? First big quiz? -Looking forward to it.

167
00:09:07,067 --> 00:09:08,968
It's not the first, though.

168
00:09:09,033 --> 00:09:11,968
I, er, was on Blockbusters.

169
00:09:12,033 --> 00:09:13,901
-What, on the telly? -Yeah.

170
00:09:13,968 --> 00:09:15,634
-Yeah? -Uh-huh.

171
00:09:15,701 --> 00:09:18,267
Were you one of the two, or by yourself?

172
00:09:18,334 --> 00:09:19,834
If there's two of you, it's cheating.

173
00:09:19,901 --> 00:09:21,901
-Yeah. Just one. -Just one.

174
00:09:22,100 --> 00:09:23,434
Did you win anything or...

175
00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:26,133
Yeah. Two Gold Runs. Camping equipment, Walkman.

176
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:29,434
-I usually get five, to be honest. -Five Gold Runs?

177
00:09:29,500 --> 00:09:31,801
But you know you have to answer loads of questions before...

178
00:09:31,868 --> 00:09:35,067
-Yeah, I do. -You get them all?

179
00:09:35,133 --> 00:09:38,067
Give me one of the ones you had. Fingers on the buzzers.

180
00:09:38,133 --> 00:09:40,133
Um... Okay.

181
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:45,734
Right. Which Y was... Which Y had a hit single with The Only Way Is Up

182
00:09:45,801 --> 00:09:47,968
-and sang with Plastic Population? -Yazoo!

183
00:09:48,033 --> 00:09:49,701
-Yazz. -Yep.

184
00:09:49,767 --> 00:09:51,367
-You said Yazoo, which... -I know.

185
00:09:51,434 --> 00:09:53,934
What's your cut-off point, though? Yazz.

186
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,334
But you said Yazoo first.

187
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:56,701
You would've got it wrong on Blockbusters.

188
00:09:56,767 --> 00:09:57,934
I wouldn't have said it on Blockbusters.

189
00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:00,167
You'd have been all right, then.

190
00:10:00,234 --> 00:10:02,734
I'll give you one. A proper one. Um...

191
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:12,400
-Do you want a hand? -No, no.

192
00:10:14,601 --> 00:10:17,901
-Are you getting it? -Yeah. A tiny bit loud.

193
00:10:17,968 --> 00:10:20,434
-Sorry. -Can I have this when you've finished?

194
00:10:20,500 --> 00:10:22,000
-Yeah, you can have it. -When will you be finished?

195
00:10:22,067 --> 00:10:25,601
I don't know. Maybe we could share it.

196
00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:29,367
-Okay. I'll just have it on weekends! -Okay.

197
00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:37,167
-Is this going to take... -No, it was going to be what D

198
00:10:37,234 --> 00:10:39,634
and the answer was going to be Dostoyevsky.

199
00:10:39,701 --> 00:10:42,133
-I couldn't think of the question. -All right. Okay. Well...

200
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:46,267
What D was a Russian dissident who wrote the novel Crime and Punishment?

201
00:10:46,334 --> 00:10:49,167
-Would you have got that? -I'd have had a guess.

202
00:10:49,234 --> 00:10:50,968
You don't get prizes for guessing.

203
00:10:51,968 --> 00:10:54,234
Unlucky. See you later.

204
00:10:57,968 --> 00:10:59,033
(EXHALES)

205
00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:02,300
You can't come in here. Quiz officials only.

206
00:11:02,367 --> 00:11:03,534
TIM: What are you doing?

207
00:11:03,601 --> 00:11:05,133
I'm the quizmaster and I'm doing the questions.

208
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:06,968
Get out now, or I'll report you. Simple as that.

209
00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:09,567
-Are these the questions? -Yeah, do not look at those! Right.

210
00:11:09,634 --> 00:11:11,701
Disqualification. You're both disqualified.

211
00:11:11,767 --> 00:11:14,634
Um, Gareth, we're having an argument. We need your help.

212
00:11:14,701 --> 00:11:17,200
-Not interested. -No, listen. 'Cause you can help.

213
00:11:17,267 --> 00:11:19,400
No, I don't want to help. I haven't got time to help, all right?

214
00:11:19,467 --> 00:11:22,434
-Right. It's about the army. -Go on, then, quick.

215
00:11:22,500 --> 00:11:27,033
I was wondering if a military man like you,

216
00:11:27,100 --> 00:11:28,701
a soldier,

217
00:11:28,767 --> 00:11:33,467
could you give a man a lethal blow?

218
00:11:33,534 --> 00:11:37,167
If I was forced to, I could. If it was absolutely necessary.

219
00:11:37,234 --> 00:11:38,834
If he was attacking me.

220
00:11:38,901 --> 00:11:42,167
If he was coming really hard.

221
00:11:42,234 --> 00:11:44,868
Yeah. If my life was in danger, yeah.

222
00:11:44,934 --> 00:11:48,300
And do you always imagine doing it face to face with a bloke,

223
00:11:48,367 --> 00:11:50,534
or could you take a man from behind?

224
00:11:50,601 --> 00:11:52,300
-Either way is easy. -Either way.

225
00:11:52,367 --> 00:11:54,901
And so you could do a man from behind?

226
00:11:54,968 --> 00:11:57,334
-Yeah. -Yeah. Lovely.

227
00:12:07,367 --> 00:12:12,234
It's got an error, an offline error 324.

228
00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:14,934
So I'm going to have to take the paper out.

229
00:12:15,033 --> 00:12:16,267
That comes out.

230
00:12:16,334 --> 00:12:17,701
-Hiya. -Hiya.

231
00:12:17,767 --> 00:12:20,267
Do you know about these? I'm trying to fix this.

232
00:12:20,334 --> 00:12:24,133
It's got an offline 243 error that I just...

233
00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:26,033
-No. -I don't really know what that is so...

234
00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:29,067
You know, we were talking earlier about Dostoyevsky, weren't we?

235
00:12:29,133 --> 00:12:32,367
-Oh, yeah? -Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky.

236
00:12:32,434 --> 00:12:36,367
-Born 1821. Died 1881. -That's right.

237
00:12:36,434 --> 00:12:37,934
Just interesting that stuff about him

238
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:39,767
being exiled in Siberia for four years, wasn't it?

239
00:12:39,834 --> 00:12:43,234
Well, I don't know much about that. I didn't cover it, really.

240
00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:47,467
All it is is he was a member of a secret political party

241
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:50,601
and they put him in a Siberian labour camp for four years,

242
00:12:50,667 --> 00:12:52,334
so, you know.

243
00:12:53,567 --> 00:12:56,500
Hang on. I read about it in, er...

244
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:59,133
He wrote House of the Dead.

245
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:01,500
I think he put all his memoirs in that.

246
00:13:02,567 --> 00:13:03,968
Didn't he?

247
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:05,567
Yep.

248
00:13:07,534 --> 00:13:08,801
Oh.

249
00:13:12,901 --> 00:13:16,968
So, you've dug your foxhole and you've pitched your tent.

250
00:13:17,033 --> 00:13:20,133
-GARETH: Right. -They've discovered your camp,

251
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,367
and you're lying there, and they've caught you with your trousers down,

252
00:13:23,434 --> 00:13:26,701
and they've all entered your hole without you knowing.

253
00:13:26,767 --> 00:13:28,701
No, because I'd be ready for them.

254
00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:31,000
You'd just be lying there waiting for it?

255
00:13:31,067 --> 00:13:34,334
Yeah. Well, no. What's more likely is that I wouldn't be there

256
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,267
if I knew they knew where I was.

257
00:13:36,334 --> 00:13:39,467
I'd be hiding, watching the hole, using it as a trap.

258
00:13:39,534 --> 00:13:43,067
-So, you'd be using your hole as bait? -Yeah.

259
00:13:43,133 --> 00:13:47,500
You're how old? 30? And you're getting off on pretending Gareth's gay.

260
00:13:48,767 --> 00:13:50,834
-What? -What?

261
00:13:52,300 --> 00:13:54,434
I think she's been on the waccy baccy!

262
00:13:55,934 --> 00:13:56,901
Yeah.

263
00:13:59,901 --> 00:14:02,100
Oh. Wassup.

264
00:14:05,067 --> 00:14:08,567
It's very complicated. You open that, put that in there,

265
00:14:08,634 --> 00:14:11,100
put that down there, and you...

266
00:14:11,167 --> 00:14:13,067
-Hiya. -...push the green button.

267
00:14:13,133 --> 00:14:17,000
Were we talking earlier about Dostoyevsky's House of the Dead?

268
00:14:17,067 --> 00:14:20,767
-Yeah. I think we mentioned it. -Which he wrote in 1862.

269
00:14:20,834 --> 00:14:24,200
I was just going to say that it wasn't his first major work.

270
00:14:24,267 --> 00:14:25,801
Wasn't it?

271
00:14:25,868 --> 00:14:28,434
No. His first major work was Notes from the Underground,

272
00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:30,934
which he wrote when he got back to St Petersburg in 1859.

273
00:14:31,133 --> 00:14:33,100
-Really? -Yep. Definitely.

274
00:14:33,167 --> 00:14:36,701
Well, of course, my favourite is The Raw Youth.

275
00:14:36,767 --> 00:14:38,901
It's basically where Dostoyevsky goes on to explain

276
00:14:38,968 --> 00:14:43,701
how science can't really find answers for the deeper human need.

277
00:14:43,767 --> 00:14:44,968
Yeah. He does.

278
00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:48,267
Yeah.

279
00:14:50,267 --> 00:14:52,000
Whatever happens, it ain't going to be a flashy wedding.

280
00:14:52,067 --> 00:14:53,834
-Heaven forbid. -No.

281
00:14:53,901 --> 00:14:56,234
Yeah, it'll just be a registry office. Save money.

282
00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:59,367
Then what we'll probably do is move in with me mum for a few months.

283
00:14:59,434 --> 00:15:01,267
-Save on rent? -Yeah.

284
00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:03,200
Let Dawn get a few kiddies under her belt.

285
00:15:03,267 --> 00:15:06,434
Which'll be nice because then my mum can look after them.

286
00:15:06,500 --> 00:15:09,300
You'll probably go out and get a part-time cleaning job or something.

287
00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:10,601
Got to dream the dream.

288
00:15:10,667 --> 00:15:12,667
(TIM LAUGHING)

289
00:15:12,734 --> 00:15:14,267
What's that?

290
00:15:14,334 --> 00:15:16,701
I was just laughing at what Dawn said.

291
00:15:16,767 --> 00:15:19,334
-'Cause you're such a big high flyer. -No.

292
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,033
I was laughing at her joke, that's all.

293
00:15:21,100 --> 00:15:23,601
When you get a life, mate, you can take the mickey out of ours.

294
00:15:23,667 --> 00:15:26,567
-I'm not having a go, I'm just... -No, listen, mate.

295
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:29,100
I don't mean to have a go at you. You're fine. No worries.

296
00:15:29,167 --> 00:15:31,467
-We've all had a coffee. -No worries.

297
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:38,634
Is it questions? Is it an intro? What I'm saying is...

298
00:15:38,701 --> 00:15:41,234
Oi! Finchy!

299
00:15:41,300 --> 00:15:43,200
Tell me, man. When's it due?

300
00:15:43,267 --> 00:15:45,100
Here we go. Fasten your seatbelts.

301
00:15:45,167 --> 00:15:46,901
There's not a seatbelt big enough for you, you fat bastard.

302
00:15:46,968 --> 00:15:49,067
All bought and paid for, innit?

303
00:15:49,133 --> 00:15:52,100
I'm not saying he's fat, but when he jumps in the air, he gets stuck.

304
00:15:52,167 --> 00:15:55,067
"I'm David Brent. I'm David Brent."

305
00:15:55,133 --> 00:15:57,133
Jim Carrey on acid!

306
00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:00,100
You know what they say, there's none so queer as folk,

307
00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:02,601
-or David Brent. -Oh, speak to yourself...

308
00:16:02,667 --> 00:16:04,601
Spit it out, as your boyfriend said last night!

309
00:16:04,667 --> 00:16:06,133
I was just going to say that back to you.

310
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:07,901
Yeah. But, I don't have a boyfriend, you do.

311
00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:10,033
-Can't get a bloody word in edgeways! -Can't get a what in edgeways?

312
00:16:10,100 --> 00:16:11,934
-Ooh, matron! -Come on, then, fat lad.

313
00:16:12,133 --> 00:16:14,067
Oh, that, we're always...

314
00:16:14,133 --> 00:16:17,100
Oh, God. Finchy.

315
00:16:25,334 --> 00:16:27,901
Come and check out the opposition.

316
00:16:27,968 --> 00:16:30,734
-Yeah, uh, Ricky, this is Chris. -Hello, mate.

317
00:16:30,801 --> 00:16:33,534
I'm Chris Finch. I heard about Blockbusters.

318
00:16:33,601 --> 00:16:37,367
You'll need more than that tonight. I heard about your Dostoyevsky.

319
00:16:37,434 --> 00:16:40,567
I read a book a week, so a question like that's not going to catch me out.

320
00:16:40,634 --> 00:16:42,300
While you're down there, love...

321
00:16:42,367 --> 00:16:43,934
Close to the bone but harmless, innit?

322
00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:47,100
Christ. Give me half hour with her, I'll be up to my nuts in guts.

323
00:16:47,167 --> 00:16:50,000
Sorry. Exactly which books do you read every week?

324
00:16:50,067 --> 00:16:52,667
Science. Science and nature.

325
00:16:52,734 --> 00:16:55,467
Everything on the Trivia board. All those different subjects.

326
00:16:55,534 --> 00:16:57,300
In books.

327
00:16:57,367 --> 00:16:59,467
These lot sound like they haven't read a book between them!

328
00:16:59,534 --> 00:17:02,834
-College boys. -Bloody students. Waste of space.

329
00:17:02,901 --> 00:17:06,834
"Oh, I don't do anything all day, but I need more money to do it."

330
00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:08,400
(LAUGHS) Political.

331
00:17:08,467 --> 00:17:11,167
Yeah. I had a job when I was studying, so...

332
00:17:11,234 --> 00:17:13,734
Yeah, right! And what was your job?

333
00:17:13,801 --> 00:17:17,300
Professor in charge of watching Countdown every day?

334
00:17:17,367 --> 00:17:19,434
He's clever and funny. I bloody hate him.

335
00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:22,400
That's why we get on, really, innit?

336
00:17:22,467 --> 00:17:23,567
Similar.

337
00:17:24,534 --> 00:17:26,467
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

338
00:17:28,834 --> 00:17:31,100
Can I have everyone's attention, please?

339
00:17:31,167 --> 00:17:36,200
Welcome to the seventh annual Wernham Hogg quiz night.

340
00:17:36,267 --> 00:17:39,767
Current champions are this team here, The Dead Parrots.

341
00:17:39,834 --> 00:17:41,634
-Fit enough to fly. -He sleeps.

342
00:17:41,701 --> 00:17:43,367
If you hadn't nailed him to the perch, he would be

343
00:17:43,434 --> 00:17:45,167
-pushing up the daisies! -Pushing up the daisies!

344
00:17:45,234 --> 00:17:47,834
Monty Python.

345
00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:50,767
-Question one. All right... -Hang on.

346
00:17:50,834 --> 00:17:52,200
David, we haven't...

347
00:17:52,267 --> 00:17:55,300
Oh, yeah. Tim's birthday today.

348
00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:57,701
He's 30 years young, as I always say.

349
00:17:57,767 --> 00:17:59,701
(APPLAUSE)

350
00:18:01,734 --> 00:18:04,834
So what better way to celebrate than a battle of wits?

351
00:18:04,901 --> 00:18:06,167
Speech!

352
00:18:07,634 --> 00:18:09,767
GARETH: Okay. Question one.

353
00:18:09,834 --> 00:18:11,701
In the mid-1960s,

354
00:18:11,767 --> 00:18:15,133
the US Army replaced all existing infantry guns

355
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:20,200
with the M-16 rifle and which fixed-rate, repeat-fire machine gun?

356
00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:23,634
-You what? -Write the answer if you know it.

357
00:18:23,701 --> 00:18:25,601
Next.

358
00:18:25,667 --> 00:18:29,133
DAVID: We've been quiz champions for six years now.

359
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,801
We nearly lost it two years ago, unjustly.

360
00:18:31,868 --> 00:18:35,133
Because Gareth was quizmaster then and the question was,

361
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:38,167
what type of alien is Mr Spock?

362
00:18:38,234 --> 00:18:42,100
Everyone put Vulcan, which is incorrect.

363
00:18:42,167 --> 00:18:47,067
Mr Spock is half-Vulcan, half-human, okay?

364
00:18:47,133 --> 00:18:49,167
And Gareth went, "Oh, look, everyone gets one point,"

365
00:18:49,234 --> 00:18:51,100
but I said, "No, everyone does not get one point.

366
00:18:51,167 --> 00:18:54,133
"Carpet Munchers don't get a point, Dr Wankenstein doesn't.

367
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,701
"Steven Hawkings' Football Boots don't get a point. I do."

368
00:18:56,767 --> 00:18:59,701
I had to go home to get a book to prove it.

369
00:18:59,767 --> 00:19:03,934
They went, "Oh, yeah, you're right. Well done. You've won. Sorry."

370
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,334
No apologies necessary. Let's get on with the quiz but...

371
00:19:07,634 --> 00:19:08,801
Remember. Learn.

372
00:19:10,033 --> 00:19:11,567
Okay, question two.

373
00:19:11,634 --> 00:19:14,200
In the song 19 by Paul Hardcastle,

374
00:19:14,267 --> 00:19:18,767
he told us that the average age of a soldier in the Vietnam War was 19.

375
00:19:18,834 --> 00:19:21,734
Hardcastle also told us the average age of a soldier

376
00:19:21,801 --> 00:19:22,968
in the Second World War.

377
00:19:23,033 --> 00:19:24,300
What was it?

378
00:19:24,367 --> 00:19:26,300
Gareth, are all these going to be about war?

379
00:19:26,367 --> 00:19:28,000
No. I got loads of...

380
00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:31,667
I got one on tennis, one on the Suez Canal. Loads.

381
00:19:33,133 --> 00:19:35,000
Okay. Question three.

382
00:19:35,067 --> 00:19:39,834
Which canal links the Mediterranean with the Red Sea?

383
00:19:39,901 --> 00:19:43,634
Oh, I don't want to talk about Mr Spock. That was all sorted out then.

384
00:19:43,701 --> 00:19:46,901
Questions were asked. Certain parties weren't happy.

385
00:19:46,968 --> 00:19:49,968
The questions were solved. End of discussion.

386
00:19:50,033 --> 00:19:52,467
All right? Don't rake up old graves.

387
00:19:52,534 --> 00:19:53,968
I don't want to go through all that again

388
00:19:54,033 --> 00:19:58,434
about whether he's a Vulcan or a human or vice versa.

389
00:19:58,500 --> 00:20:01,667
All I will say is what I said at the time. Okay?

390
00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:04,033
Look at his ears.

391
00:20:04,100 --> 00:20:08,067
How could you confuse Howard Jones with Nik Kershaw? Shame on you.

392
00:20:08,133 --> 00:20:10,067
Nik Kershaw's the little bloke...

393
00:20:10,133 --> 00:20:12,100
Howard Jones was the one with the...

394
00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:14,934
That whole round's about old entertainment.

395
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,767
It's about old entertainment.

396
00:20:16,834 --> 00:20:20,167
It's all about late '60s, early '70s.

397
00:20:20,234 --> 00:20:23,100
-Which insect produces gossamer? -Shh! Come on, man.

398
00:20:23,167 --> 00:20:25,667
-Which insect produces gossamer? -DAVID: What is it?

399
00:20:25,734 --> 00:20:27,634
-I want you to answer, Finchy! -What is it?

400
00:20:27,701 --> 00:20:28,901
It's a spider.

401
00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:31,400
A spider is an arachnid, not an insect.

402
00:20:31,467 --> 00:20:34,133
-Ha, yes! -Six legs or eight legs?

403
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,367
-Thank you. Am I right? -Two out.

404
00:20:36,434 --> 00:20:37,701
DAVID: Shame on you.

405
00:20:39,367 --> 00:20:42,901
Ha! Eight legs, six legs. Eight legs, six legs.

406
00:20:42,968 --> 00:20:47,567
You just need to spend a few terms at the university of life.

407
00:20:47,634 --> 00:20:49,868
A spider is not an insect officially. Thank you.

408
00:20:49,934 --> 00:20:53,467
RICKY: We'll see, we'll see. We'll see when this is over.

409
00:20:53,534 --> 00:20:56,767
People go, "Why is it important, a question about Mr Spock?"

410
00:20:56,834 --> 00:21:01,200
I go, "It's like saying, I've got a new pedigree dog breed.

411
00:21:01,267 --> 00:21:03,100
"It's half Alsatian, half Labrador."

412
00:21:03,167 --> 00:21:06,934
I go along to Crufts, I go, "Can I enter this dog in the Labrador section?"

413
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:10,367
"No." "Why?" "Because it's not a Labrador." "Correct."

414
00:21:10,434 --> 00:21:13,200
"Can I enter it in the Alsatian section?" "No. For the same reasons.

415
00:21:13,267 --> 00:21:15,100
"Now, get that dog out of my sight."

416
00:21:15,167 --> 00:21:17,200
"Thanks, I will. You've proved my point."

417
00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:22,367
And that's Crufts. All right?

418
00:21:22,434 --> 00:21:25,634
Who had a hit single with Don't Speak?

419
00:21:27,634 --> 00:21:30,767
No Doubt. Yeah. I thought it might be No Doubt.

420
00:21:30,834 --> 00:21:33,100
Why did you say Four Non Blondes, then?

421
00:21:33,167 --> 00:21:36,234
I got Hootie the Blowfish, so let's move on.

422
00:21:36,300 --> 00:21:38,834
East... East Side.

423
00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:40,901
Oi.

424
00:21:41,100 --> 00:21:43,567
-I didn't know. -You do know.

425
00:21:43,634 --> 00:21:44,901
Didn't know.

426
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,334
-Missed. -Did I?

427
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:54,133
I said No Doubt. That was the first thing that came in.

428
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:56,367
And then you're putting this thing in my mind.

429
00:21:56,434 --> 00:21:59,467
Poison with your bloody Four Non Blondes.

430
00:21:59,534 --> 00:22:01,334
-Eh? -Both good groups.

431
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:04,701
Just don't guess. Think. Logical. Think.

432
00:22:04,767 --> 00:22:07,000
There's no logic to music, it's art.

433
00:22:08,500 --> 00:22:10,834
-God! -Is this the first time you've lost?

434
00:22:10,901 --> 00:22:13,534
We're not losing. The right questions aren't coming up.

435
00:22:13,601 --> 00:22:15,868
It's the whole point of a quiz, isn't it? Isn't it supposed to be random?

436
00:22:15,934 --> 00:22:17,634
Yeah, well, randomly awful.

437
00:22:17,701 --> 00:22:20,300
-Next time, I'll choose the questions. -Good quizmaster.

438
00:22:20,367 --> 00:22:21,868
-Choose a topic. -All right. Sport.

439
00:22:21,934 --> 00:22:24,801
-What's the capital of Iceland? -Reykjavik.

440
00:22:24,868 --> 00:22:27,734
-Is that still a sport? -All right. You. Capital of Borneo?

441
00:22:27,801 --> 00:22:29,968
-Don't care. -See? It doesn't have one.

442
00:22:30,033 --> 00:22:32,534
-You didn't get any of those, did you? -(MOBILE RINGS)

443
00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:34,868
-And they were random, yeah. -It wasn't really random.

444
00:22:34,934 --> 00:22:37,367
DAVID: Hello, Doctor.

445
00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:41,434
He's asking after me?

446
00:22:41,500 --> 00:22:45,500
No. There's no way I can get away now. I am snowed under at work.

447
00:22:45,567 --> 00:22:47,801
Can't you give him something to help him sleep?

448
00:22:47,868 --> 00:22:49,968
Okay. Yeah.

449
00:22:50,033 --> 00:22:52,234
Okay. Thanks. Oh...

450
00:22:52,300 --> 00:22:56,434
You don't know who sang In the Summertime do you?

451
00:22:56,500 --> 00:23:00,100
Mungo Jerry. Okay. Yep, yep. Cheers.

452
00:23:07,968 --> 00:23:11,400
All right, yeah. Ha ha! Very funny.

453
00:23:11,467 --> 00:23:13,767
Do you want to hear the results or not?

454
00:23:13,834 --> 00:23:18,067
Okay. In position number four, Universally Challenged.

455
00:23:23,934 --> 00:23:26,100
Third place goes to...

456
00:23:27,133 --> 00:23:29,100
Malcolm and Dennis!

457
00:23:30,801 --> 00:23:33,968
Er, which means that... Well...

458
00:23:36,734 --> 00:23:39,934
It's a dead heat between the Dead Parrots and The Tits.

459
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,267
So tie-breaker situation.

460
00:23:42,334 --> 00:23:47,901
Could you send one member of each of your teams up for a tie-breaker?

461
00:23:48,100 --> 00:23:51,701
All right. Come and stand here. Tie-breaker question. Are you ready?

462
00:23:51,767 --> 00:23:54,434
First person to shout out the correct answer wins.

463
00:23:54,500 --> 00:23:56,834
All right? So, if you're ready.

464
00:23:56,901 --> 00:24:00,267
Which Shakespeare play features a character called Caliban?

465
00:24:00,334 --> 00:24:02,234
-Macbeth. -GARETH: No. Ricky?

466
00:24:02,300 --> 00:24:05,334
-Midsummer Night's Dream. Hamlet. -No. You've had your go.

467
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:07,634
No. You said the first person to shout out the answer wins.

468
00:24:07,701 --> 00:24:09,067
You didn't say you only had one chance.

469
00:24:09,133 --> 00:24:11,934
-The Tempest. -The Tempest. He's got it!

470
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,500
There it is. Ladies and gentlemen, the winners.

471
00:24:14,567 --> 00:24:15,868
That's Blockbusters!

472
00:24:16,067 --> 00:24:17,400
(ALL CHEERING)

473
00:24:17,467 --> 00:24:19,367
You didn't say you only had one go.

474
00:24:19,434 --> 00:24:22,334
You said the first person to shout out the answer wins, yeah?

475
00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:25,100
The first person. That's my point.

476
00:24:47,801 --> 00:24:50,467
Here he is. Chris Finch. Is it Hamlet or is it Macbeth?

477
00:24:50,534 --> 00:24:54,100
Maybe I'll write the questions next time and you can have this fat bastard.

478
00:24:54,167 --> 00:24:55,901
-Banter. -No, it's not banter.

479
00:24:55,968 --> 00:24:58,500
-It's not banter, not now. -Okay. When we had the question,

480
00:24:58,567 --> 00:25:01,734
"Name the Cuban leader who's been in power since the revolution in 1959."

481
00:25:01,801 --> 00:25:04,300
-Fidel Castro. -You know it now. But what did you say?

482
00:25:04,367 --> 00:25:08,100
-It's in that situation... -Tell them. What did you say then?

483
00:25:08,167 --> 00:25:10,200
What did you say then? Go on.

484
00:25:13,901 --> 00:25:15,234
Who's the Cuban leader?

485
00:25:16,500 --> 00:25:18,367
-Fray Bentos. -(MAN LAUGHS)

486
00:25:18,434 --> 00:25:21,601
No wonder this place is going down the pan. You're a waste of space.

487
00:25:21,667 --> 00:25:24,133
Hey, don't get at him just 'cause they beat you.

488
00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:25,901
-They beat me? -Yes.

489
00:25:25,968 --> 00:25:27,500
I could give you a list of 50 things I could beat them at.

490
00:25:27,567 --> 00:25:29,968
-Like what? -Like throwing.

491
00:25:30,033 --> 00:25:32,234
Throwing. No. That's good.

492
00:25:32,300 --> 00:25:34,567
The landlord of the Lamb Pub in Chichester

493
00:25:34,634 --> 00:25:38,367
challenges me to throw one of these copper kettles over his pub.

494
00:25:38,434 --> 00:25:42,734
So I go outside, take off my tie, tie it to the handle. (WHISTLES)

495
00:25:42,801 --> 00:25:44,200
Did it go over?

496
00:25:44,267 --> 00:25:46,067
(WHISTLES AND IMITATES CRASHING)

497
00:25:46,133 --> 00:25:49,734
Obviously. That's actually an official Territorial Army method

498
00:25:49,801 --> 00:25:51,767
if you're in the jungle.

499
00:25:51,834 --> 00:25:53,534
Except you wouldn't use a tie obviously, you'd use vines from the trees.

500
00:25:53,601 --> 00:25:56,234
-DAWN: Would you use a kettle? -No, it'd be the equivalent. Coconut.

501
00:25:56,300 --> 00:25:59,334
I will throw anything that you choose over this building.

502
00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:02,133
-If I do it, we win the quiz. -New challenge.

503
00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:03,801
-Double or quits. -It's a challenge.

504
00:26:03,868 --> 00:26:05,601
So you choose anything, if he can throw it over,

505
00:26:05,667 --> 00:26:07,767
we've won the champagne, and that it. That's the real quiz.

506
00:26:07,834 --> 00:26:09,701
That's the real quiz. Choose one thing.

507
00:26:09,767 --> 00:26:12,367
You really are a couple of sad little men, aren't you?

508
00:26:12,434 --> 00:26:14,000
Oh, they're sad little men?

509
00:26:14,067 --> 00:26:16,200
He's thrown a kettle over a pub, what have you done?

510
00:26:16,267 --> 00:26:17,734
Do you want a challenge or not?

511
00:26:17,801 --> 00:26:19,734
If I do it, we win the quiz, we win the prize.

512
00:26:19,801 --> 00:26:22,367
-That's the real quiz. -Now, you choose something.

513
00:26:22,434 --> 00:26:24,234
-Choose something. -(ALL CLAMOURING)

514
00:26:25,534 --> 00:26:27,267
-A chair? -No, not a chair.

515
00:26:27,334 --> 00:26:28,667
-Throw Gareth over. -No, seriously...

516
00:26:28,734 --> 00:26:31,100
How about the birthday boy? Throw him over.

517
00:26:31,167 --> 00:26:33,367
-Throw his shoes over. -His shoes.

518
00:26:33,434 --> 00:26:35,300
-TIM: No, no! -(ALL CLAMOUR NOISILY)

519
00:26:35,367 --> 00:26:37,400
It's just a challenge.

520
00:26:38,701 --> 00:26:40,834
Tickle him! Tickle him! Tickle him!

521
00:26:40,901 --> 00:26:43,300
Can I have it back? Oi!

522
00:26:46,467 --> 00:26:48,634
-Using the tie method? -Oh, no. The shoelaces.

523
00:26:48,701 --> 00:26:51,801
-He's using the laces. -Bastard! I knew he would!

524
00:26:51,868 --> 00:26:54,534
-DAVID: Typical. That'll work! -So, Finch...

525
00:26:54,601 --> 00:26:58,067
-Thank you very much... -You'll get it back.

526
00:26:58,133 --> 00:26:59,234
(ALL CLAMOURING)

527
00:27:01,367 --> 00:27:03,400
RICKY: How are we going to know if it goes over?

528
00:27:03,467 --> 00:27:04,801
-What? -How're we gonna know if it goes over?

529
00:27:04,868 --> 00:27:06,901
Go and check if it goes over. Sussed. Go on.

530
00:27:06,968 --> 00:27:10,400
Right. Here we go.

531
00:27:10,467 --> 00:27:13,801
Two and three and four...

532
00:27:15,167 --> 00:27:17,667
-Hooray! -Oh, yes!

533
00:27:17,734 --> 00:27:19,601
Looking good.

534
00:27:19,667 --> 00:27:21,634
-Come on now. -RICKY: Did it go over?

535
00:27:21,701 --> 00:27:24,500
DAVID: Did it go over? SHEILA: Yeah. It came right past me.

536
00:27:24,567 --> 00:27:26,300
(ALL CHEERING)

537
00:27:26,367 --> 00:27:29,434
-The Wonder Horse! -Screw Blockbusters!

538
00:27:29,500 --> 00:27:32,067
Screw Bob Holness and screw your Gold Run.

539
00:27:32,133 --> 00:27:34,267
-You're right. I'm a loser. I'm a loser. -You're shit, you're shit!

540
00:27:34,334 --> 00:27:35,868
-That's the boss. -Yes, I am the boss.

541
00:27:35,934 --> 00:27:38,167
Like Springsteen. Born to run. The Slough branch.

542
00:27:38,234 --> 00:27:41,200
Your university education didn't help you there, did it?

543
00:27:41,267 --> 00:27:43,234
Now, let that be a lesson to you.

544
00:27:43,300 --> 00:27:46,234
Respect your elders and do not fuck with the big boys.

545
00:27:46,300 --> 00:27:48,067
-Life! Life! -Chuck his hat over.

546
00:27:48,133 --> 00:27:50,234
No, don't! It's a radio as well.

547
00:27:50,300 --> 00:27:51,901
(DAVID IMITATING GUITAR SOLO)

548
00:27:54,133 --> 00:27:56,534
DAVID: What an office. What an office!

549
00:28:04,534 --> 00:28:07,467
-Do you want any...help? -Dawn, let's go. See you, Tim.

550
00:28:09,067 --> 00:28:10,601
See you later.

551
00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:22,834


552
00:28:25,300 --> 00:28:30,100


553
00:28:30,167 --> 00:28:32,267


554
00:28:32,334 --> 00:28:36,801