1 00:00:02,679 --> 00:00:04,280 One more for the road, doll face. 2 00:00:06,100 --> 00:00:09,180 Speaking of the road, Mr. Sinatra, it's time for school. Go get dressed. 3 00:00:09,380 --> 00:00:10,380 And not in your tux. 4 00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:12,740 Hey, Hope, check this out. 5 00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:16,079 Are you all right? 6 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:19,260 Fine. Just practicing. 7 00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:20,560 For what? 8 00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:21,920 Disability. 9 00:00:22,180 --> 00:00:25,900 Apparently, there's big money in it. You're not going on disability. You're 10 00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:27,860 getting a job. Here, check the want ad. 11 00:00:31,540 --> 00:00:32,540 Morning. 12 00:00:33,180 --> 00:00:34,420 Hammer your thumb again? 13 00:00:34,820 --> 00:00:35,820 No. 14 00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:37,980 I question advice! 15 00:00:39,820 --> 00:00:46,760 Charlie, why don't you just hire a carpenter to help you? Because this is 16 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:49,740 man room, Hope, built with my own man hand. 17 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:55,940 What's so funny? 18 00:00:56,460 --> 00:00:59,280 Just you calling yourself a man. 19 00:01:02,090 --> 00:01:03,130 18 days, Faith. 20 00:01:03,650 --> 00:01:07,750 That's how long you've got to get a job and an apartment and move out of my 21 00:01:07,750 --> 00:01:08,750 house. 22 00:01:12,810 --> 00:01:14,730 That I own equally with hope. 23 00:01:16,050 --> 00:01:17,050 Ooh, brownies. 24 00:01:17,370 --> 00:01:18,650 Those aren't for you. 25 00:01:18,870 --> 00:01:20,950 They're for a faculty meeting today at Haley School. 26 00:01:21,350 --> 00:01:25,290 Ah, they wouldn't happen to be voting on the Buzz Aldrin Elementary Mother of 27 00:01:25,290 --> 00:01:25,869 the Year. 28 00:01:25,870 --> 00:01:28,270 Well, if they are, it's merely a happy coincidence. 29 00:01:29,070 --> 00:01:30,810 Here, eat the burnt one. 30 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:35,080 Hope's won Mother of the Year two years in a row. 31 00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:36,920 They even put her picture up in the cafeteria. 32 00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:40,720 I really could care less about some silly award. 33 00:01:42,140 --> 00:01:46,000 But just in case, I took the liberty of getting you headshots. 34 00:01:46,860 --> 00:01:47,860 Which ones do you like? 35 00:01:49,300 --> 00:01:51,640 I like the one with the oily nose and giant pores. 36 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,740 Because the other one's just, like, hard to look at. 37 00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:06,250 in the wash. Why are you calling me, Hope? Well, I've been calling you Mom 38 00:02:06,250 --> 00:02:08,870 16 years, and where has it gotten me? 39 00:02:11,930 --> 00:02:15,190 Mom, I need you to sign this note excusing me from biology class today. 40 00:02:15,430 --> 00:02:19,130 Why? Because they're dissecting frogs, and I'm against animal cruelty. 41 00:02:19,410 --> 00:02:21,690 Honey, frogs are not animals. 42 00:02:22,170 --> 00:02:23,450 They're appetizers. 43 00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:29,190 Hello? 44 00:02:32,330 --> 00:02:33,330 I will bring you your bowl. 45 00:02:34,990 --> 00:02:38,150 Oh, I just whipped up some brownie. And you? 46 00:02:38,790 --> 00:02:39,790 Strawberry tarts? 47 00:02:40,690 --> 00:02:42,350 From your own strawberry patch? 48 00:02:44,570 --> 00:02:47,810 No, I did not realize you churn your own butter. 49 00:02:49,490 --> 00:02:50,730 Well, better run. 50 00:02:50,990 --> 00:02:54,370 I'm whittling a new baseball bat for Justin. 51 00:02:55,870 --> 00:02:58,030 With a knife I made out of recycled cans. Bye now! 52 00:03:00,810 --> 00:03:04,410 Sally Jones, always bragging about what a perfect mother she is. Well, I'm 53 00:03:04,410 --> 00:03:08,610 sorry. Mother of the Year is about more than just strawberry tart. 54 00:03:13,050 --> 00:03:14,050 What are you doing? 55 00:03:14,510 --> 00:03:17,430 You heard me. I have to make a knife out of recycled cans. 56 00:03:19,810 --> 00:03:20,810 Hey. 57 00:03:21,570 --> 00:03:23,070 Want to see me fall down the stairs? 58 00:03:25,730 --> 00:03:26,730 No. 59 00:03:27,790 --> 00:03:29,510 But I'd love to see you go up in flames. 60 00:03:49,610 --> 00:03:50,610 Hello, 61 00:03:57,750 --> 00:03:58,750 Hope. 62 00:03:58,890 --> 00:03:59,890 Hello, Sally. 63 00:03:59,950 --> 00:04:01,790 Did you remember my bowl? 64 00:04:02,090 --> 00:04:06,610 Oh, I'm so sorry. I forgot. She was too busy whittling a porch swing. 65 00:04:09,550 --> 00:04:11,410 Sydney, you remember Mrs. Jones? 66 00:04:12,410 --> 00:04:14,230 No. Can I wait in the car, Hope? 67 00:04:15,710 --> 00:04:17,010 Uh, yeah. 68 00:04:17,510 --> 00:04:18,510 Sure, sweetie. 69 00:04:19,769 --> 00:04:21,390 Your daughter calls you Hope? 70 00:04:21,790 --> 00:04:23,770 You should hear what she calls her behind your back. 71 00:04:26,050 --> 00:04:29,990 Mrs. Jones, your tarts are all anyone can talk about. 72 00:04:30,810 --> 00:04:35,210 Well, that and the fact that somebody stole all the frogs from the biology 73 00:04:35,570 --> 00:04:39,570 Oh! Are those your famous double -punched pecan brownies, Mrs. Shanowski? 74 00:04:39,790 --> 00:04:40,790 Uh, yeah. Sure. 75 00:04:41,010 --> 00:04:42,010 Help yourself. 76 00:04:42,030 --> 00:04:45,230 Any idea who stole the frog? I bet it was Haley. 77 00:04:47,310 --> 00:04:48,450 Mrs. Shanowski. 78 00:04:50,850 --> 00:04:53,070 Justin? Doesn't he look adorable? 79 00:04:53,330 --> 00:04:54,330 What's the occasion? 80 00:04:54,370 --> 00:04:58,170 Not a pleasant one, I'm afraid. I caught Justin smoking during recess. 81 00:04:58,550 --> 00:04:59,550 Smoking? 82 00:05:01,170 --> 00:05:04,090 Justin? Just two puffs and out. 83 00:05:04,290 --> 00:05:05,290 Like Frank. 84 00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:07,560 the pipes. 85 00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:13,880 Where did you get a cigarette? 86 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:20,020 I found it on the ground. It was just a butt with cherry red lipstick like Ava 87 00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:21,020 used to wear. 88 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:23,880 All right. 89 00:05:23,940 --> 00:05:24,940 That's it. 90 00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:26,540 No more Frank Sinatra. 91 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,660 From now on, you're just going to be you. 92 00:05:29,300 --> 00:05:30,300 Go to your room. 93 00:05:33,820 --> 00:05:35,440 It's so embarrassing. 94 00:05:35,930 --> 00:05:36,930 school today. 95 00:05:37,050 --> 00:05:39,610 I'm sure the whole world thinks I'm the terrible mother. 96 00:05:40,530 --> 00:05:42,170 I'm never going to get mother of the year now. 97 00:05:43,290 --> 00:05:45,350 Sally's probably already turning victory butter. 98 00:05:47,950 --> 00:05:49,250 Hey, guess what I got? 99 00:05:49,670 --> 00:05:50,589 A job? 100 00:05:50,590 --> 00:05:51,710 Better, an apartment. 101 00:05:52,730 --> 00:05:53,730 That is better. 102 00:05:54,370 --> 00:05:55,470 Wait a minute, wait a minute. 103 00:05:55,910 --> 00:05:58,070 Until you get a job, you can't afford an apartment. 104 00:05:58,430 --> 00:06:02,070 The landlord is having some sort of fundraiser party tonight at the 105 00:06:02,230 --> 00:06:05,190 so why don't you come by with me and check it out for yourself, okay? 106 00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:06,760 Please, Hope. Please. 107 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:08,019 Please, Hope. 108 00:06:08,020 --> 00:06:09,020 Please. 109 00:06:10,020 --> 00:06:11,900 All right. But we can't stay long. 110 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:15,460 I have five dozen mini quiches to make before tomorrow's Mother of the Year 111 00:06:15,460 --> 00:06:16,079 reception. Mother of the Year reception. 112 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:17,080 Yeah, yeah. 113 00:06:17,180 --> 00:06:18,740 So what kind of fundraiser is it? 114 00:06:19,460 --> 00:06:24,500 Oh, just some sort of woman's group. But don't worry. 115 00:06:25,300 --> 00:06:26,420 You'll fit right in. 116 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:34,920 Isn't the apartment darling? 117 00:06:35,260 --> 00:06:36,260 Yes. 118 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:38,680 I still don't get why they'd rent to someone without a job. 119 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:40,080 Hey. 120 00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:42,300 You made it. 121 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:43,520 Hi. 122 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,940 This, hopefully, is my new landlord, Rusty. 123 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:52,860 Hi. And, Rusty, you probably guessed by now, this is Hope, my lover. 124 00:06:58,680 --> 00:06:59,680 Good news, lady. 125 00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:03,780 Hope's credit checked out great, so if you two want the apartment, it's all 126 00:07:03,780 --> 00:07:05,970 yours. Oh, my God, that's wonderful. 127 00:07:06,510 --> 00:07:07,910 Did you hear that, lover? 128 00:07:09,270 --> 00:07:10,410 We got the apartment. 129 00:07:11,350 --> 00:07:13,910 Maybe we should talk about it first, lover. 130 00:07:15,430 --> 00:07:16,670 Would you excuse us a moment? 131 00:07:17,450 --> 00:07:23,730 What in the world do you think you're doing? Look, I love this apartment, and 132 00:07:23,730 --> 00:07:24,730 credit sucks. 133 00:07:24,770 --> 00:07:28,030 So I had to put you down as my domestic partner. 134 00:07:29,910 --> 00:07:31,190 We're not lesbians. 135 00:07:31,650 --> 00:07:33,350 I know I'm not, but... 136 00:07:34,060 --> 00:07:35,860 I've always thought you had tendencies. 137 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:39,380 I am leaving right now. 138 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,120 All right, everybody. 139 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:46,620 We are here tonight to raise money for free counseling at the Lesbian Center. 140 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:55,420 You know, for years, I was in the closet, terrified to come out because of 141 00:07:55,420 --> 00:07:58,840 what other people would think. I hear you, sister, my woman sister. 142 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:06,360 But when you stop judging yourself, You won't care what other people think. And 143 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,560 you will find that you will stop judging others, too. 144 00:08:08,860 --> 00:08:11,320 Amen! Sister, my sister woman! 145 00:08:13,500 --> 00:08:18,140 So, let's put our hands together for two women who didn't let what other people 146 00:08:18,140 --> 00:08:20,420 thought stop them from getting married. 147 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:22,040 Hope and faith! 148 00:09:34,060 --> 00:09:35,060 He wanted to see me cry. 149 00:10:04,110 --> 00:10:05,110 Where did you think you could hide these? 150 00:10:05,190 --> 00:10:08,290 I was going to ride my bike to the lake tomorrow and set them free. 151 00:10:08,690 --> 00:10:11,770 The lake is 20 miles from here. 152 00:10:12,010 --> 00:10:15,230 I can't take them back. I'll get suspended or expelled. 153 00:10:16,410 --> 00:10:17,410 Oh, my gosh. 154 00:10:18,510 --> 00:10:20,210 This might go on my permanent record. 155 00:10:20,670 --> 00:10:22,390 I might not get into Harvard now. 156 00:10:25,110 --> 00:10:26,110 Grab your coat. 157 00:10:27,290 --> 00:10:28,290 Where are we going? 158 00:10:29,130 --> 00:10:30,130 To the lake. 159 00:10:32,270 --> 00:10:35,730 But if your mother ever finds out about this... We'll blame Aunt Faith? 160 00:10:36,110 --> 00:10:37,330 Now, that's Harvard thinking. 161 00:10:42,590 --> 00:10:45,430 How about a spotlight dance for the newlyweds? 162 00:10:50,710 --> 00:10:52,010 I'm dancing with you. 163 00:10:52,210 --> 00:10:53,970 I'm a two -year -old. My mother of the year winner. 164 00:10:54,290 --> 00:10:56,590 What are people going to think? Please, Hope, please. 165 00:10:56,810 --> 00:11:00,830 I love this apartment, and Charlie is going to kick me out in 18 days. 166 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:03,480 Don't you want to be sister of the year? 167 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:11,320 Check 168 00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:18,740 out 169 00:11:18,740 --> 00:11:20,240 that tall butch one. 170 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:23,720 Hey, ladies. 171 00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:25,200 How about a kiss? 172 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:26,520 Yeah. 173 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:08,200 You got a problem with... 174 00:13:01,390 --> 00:13:02,390 oil -based. 175 00:13:03,410 --> 00:13:05,890 Wait. What will everyone at school think? 176 00:13:06,170 --> 00:13:08,150 That you married idiot Smurf? 177 00:13:13,470 --> 00:13:16,070 I hope you're not wearing that. 178 00:13:16,310 --> 00:13:18,050 I could ask you the same question. 179 00:13:19,450 --> 00:13:22,790 Why do I even have to go? I mean, you said yourself that this is a silly 180 00:13:23,090 --> 00:13:24,090 Fine. 181 00:13:24,230 --> 00:13:24,989 Don't go. 182 00:13:24,990 --> 00:13:26,730 You can all just stay home. 183 00:13:27,050 --> 00:13:28,590 They'll probably embarrass me anyway. 184 00:13:48,810 --> 00:13:53,170 I'm a twerp, but now they're going to think I'm the crazy kid with the 185 00:13:56,250 --> 00:14:00,870 Justin, you can't go through life caring about what other people think. 186 00:14:01,130 --> 00:14:02,530 Why not? You do. 187 00:14:06,750 --> 00:14:09,350 You do make it so easy being the good one. 188 00:14:10,670 --> 00:14:13,710 At least there's one person in this house I can count on. 189 00:14:27,050 --> 00:14:28,570 We're taking them back to school right now. 190 00:14:28,870 --> 00:14:30,270 I don't have them anymore. 191 00:14:31,050 --> 00:14:32,750 Haley. We let them go. 192 00:14:38,710 --> 00:14:39,710 We? 193 00:14:40,470 --> 00:14:42,650 You want her to get into Harvard, don't you? 194 00:14:44,450 --> 00:14:45,450 I see. 195 00:14:46,890 --> 00:14:47,890 Fine. 196 00:14:48,330 --> 00:14:49,330 I'll go alone. 197 00:14:51,330 --> 00:14:56,030 But I just want to thank you all for making me feel like the worst mother of 198 00:14:56,030 --> 00:14:57,030 year. 199 00:15:19,210 --> 00:15:25,050 Pope Chinowski, local lesbian dances with wife. 200 00:15:28,770 --> 00:15:31,570 I know. Wife. 201 00:15:49,580 --> 00:15:54,800 rushing to get here and this angry cop pulled me over and boy did she give me a 202 00:15:54,800 --> 00:16:01,440 tongue lashing hi sally hey 203 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:08,440 kathy 204 00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:14,720 you brought my favorite i love your sticky buns 205 00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:22,940 Watering already. 206 00:16:25,660 --> 00:16:28,640 So, Hope, where's your family? 207 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:31,400 They're not feeling well. 208 00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:32,860 I can only imagine. 209 00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:35,300 Shall we begin? 210 00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:45,020 As you all know, every year, the faculty and the administration... Mrs. 211 00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:49,560 Chinowski, I just want to tell you that I'm sending my Aunt Anna your picture. 212 00:16:50,250 --> 00:16:54,970 I think that it might finally inspire her and her roommate to come out. 213 00:16:55,250 --> 00:16:57,770 Oh. Well, I'm glad I can be... Wait. 214 00:16:58,490 --> 00:17:00,110 What picture? This one. 215 00:17:01,630 --> 00:17:02,630 Oh! 216 00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:10,530 In our tradition, we will begin by hearing a few words from last year's 217 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:15,730 Buzz Aldrin Elementary Mother of the Year winner, Hope Tanofsky. 218 00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:24,720 Hello there. 219 00:17:25,540 --> 00:17:26,540 Hope Shanowski. 220 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,000 Local lesbian. 221 00:17:31,900 --> 00:17:34,300 There's actually really a funny story behind this. 222 00:17:36,660 --> 00:17:38,400 Anyway, I can't imagine what you must think. 223 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:55,240 Actually, I changed my mind. 224 00:17:57,240 --> 00:17:58,420 I don't care what you think. 225 00:17:59,820 --> 00:18:01,280 I don't care about this silly award. 226 00:18:02,660 --> 00:18:04,940 Because last night I learned a valuable lesson. 227 00:18:05,820 --> 00:18:07,320 It doesn't matter what you think of me. 228 00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:10,200 It only matters what I think of me. 229 00:18:12,780 --> 00:18:18,960 And the real reason I wanted to win Mother of the Year is because deep down, 230 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:21,900 I never feel like a good enough mother. 231 00:18:23,690 --> 00:18:24,690 Or good enough anything. 232 00:18:26,330 --> 00:18:28,550 I am always judging myself. 233 00:18:29,710 --> 00:18:31,730 And as a result, judging my kids. 234 00:18:33,150 --> 00:18:35,630 Who, by the way, I think are wonderful. 235 00:18:43,450 --> 00:18:46,630 So, I don't need to win Mother of the Year. 236 00:18:48,150 --> 00:18:49,550 Because I've got something much better. 237 00:18:50,850 --> 00:18:52,230 I have Family of the Year. 238 00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:58,200 You found love. 239 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:06,380 And by the way, Hope Schnaufke's wife has a name. 240 00:19:09,300 --> 00:19:12,240 And it's Faith Fairfield. Good day. 241 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:20,480 You were robbed, Mom. 242 00:19:21,420 --> 00:19:23,080 You know Sally's daughter? 243 00:19:23,390 --> 00:19:25,650 He told me that her parents sleep in separate bedrooms. 244 00:19:26,510 --> 00:19:28,070 Aw, Sydney. 245 00:19:29,090 --> 00:19:30,970 That's the sweetest thing you've said in months. 246 00:19:36,270 --> 00:19:37,270 Oh. 247 00:19:43,570 --> 00:19:44,570 Hello. 248 00:19:44,830 --> 00:19:45,830 Hey, Hope. 249 00:19:47,050 --> 00:19:49,150 Bobby. From the fundraiser. 250 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:54,040 I was wondering if you want to go for a little spin in my old Camino. 251 00:19:55,620 --> 00:19:57,140 I bought donut holes. 252 00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:02,380 Well, that sounds lovely, but I'm happily married. 253 00:20:04,460 --> 00:20:05,460 To that guy. 254 00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:12,600 Oh. 255 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:14,440 Okay. 256 00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:16,180 What kind of donut holes? 257 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:18,800 Chocolate glazed. 258 00:20:19,690 --> 00:20:20,690 I'm in. 259 00:20:26,170 --> 00:20:27,170 Don't wait up. 260 00:20:33,210 --> 00:20:40,090 So you need to send Sally Jones your Mother of the 261 00:20:40,090 --> 00:20:40,929 Year trophy? 262 00:20:40,930 --> 00:20:42,230 Yep, that's the tradition. 263 00:20:42,650 --> 00:20:46,070 There's only one of them. Well, I think it's time we start a new tradition. 264 00:20:46,770 --> 00:20:47,770 Haley? 265 00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:49,360 have our little friend 266 00:21:17,450 --> 00:21:18,450 I'll take him over. 267 00:21:19,050 --> 00:21:21,750 You could just stay in the car and watch.