1
00:00:28,988 --> 00:00:30,740
He was offensive.

2
00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:32,742
He was obnoxious.

3
00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:35,119
He was disgusting.

4
00:00:35,995 --> 00:00:37,330
Do you want me to go on?

5
00:00:39,790 --> 00:00:44,337
Once he wanted me to approve a
contest, where he'd give a new toilet

6
00:00:44,921 --> 00:00:47,590
to the listener with the
largest bowel movement.

7
00:00:49,634 --> 00:00:50,801
On the air.

8
00:00:51,886 --> 00:00:54,222
I mean, you can imagine
the logistics of that.

9
00:01:08,611 --> 00:01:11,781
HOWARD STERN: <i>You know, when
I look back on this moment in my life,</i>

10
00:01:12,281 --> 00:01:14,200
<i>I really wanted it to work.</i>

11
00:01:15,201 --> 00:01:18,037
<i>I wanted this to be the biggest
moment in the history of entertainment.</i>

12
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,121
<i>I'm not kidding.</i>

13
00:01:19,789 --> 00:01:22,792
<i>I wanted everyone to wake up
the next morning talking about me,</i>

14
00:01:22,875 --> 00:01:24,168
<i>Howard Stern.</i>

15
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:28,547
<i>That's the kind of thinking, though,
that usually gets me into trouble.</i>

16
00:01:30,675 --> 00:01:32,861
JOHN STAMOS ON MIC: I'm
here to introduce the next presenter.

17
00:01:32,885 --> 00:01:36,180
Believe me, a lot of people refused
to introduce this guy, but I love him.

18
00:01:36,305 --> 00:01:37,306
HOWARD: Is this safe?

19
00:01:38,307 --> 00:01:41,310
When you drop, don't spin
around or the wires get screwed up.

20
00:01:41,394 --> 00:01:42,395
(GASPS)

21
00:01:42,478 --> 00:01:45,356
JOHN: radio waves
high above America.

22
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:47,149
(CROWD CHEERS)

23
00:01:47,233 --> 00:01:48,526
JOHN: It's a bird!

24
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:52,113
- HOWARD: I'm making such a mistake.
- It's a plane!

25
00:01:52,321 --> 00:01:55,908
No, it's Fartman!

26
00:01:58,327 --> 00:02:01,289
HOWARD: Behold, I am Fartman!

27
00:02:01,372 --> 00:02:07,003
Behold the greatness that is
me, the mightiest of superheroes!

28
00:02:07,211 --> 00:02:09,964
My ass has power!

29
00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:12,967
Screw Superman, I am Fartman!

30
00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:14,760
Fartman rules!

31
00:02:15,553 --> 00:02:16,971
Fartman!

32
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:18,806
Fartman!

33
00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:29,191
And now, in an extraordinary
display of my powers,

34
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,570
I will show you something
so marvelous. Behold!

35
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:33,654
(FARTS LOUDLY)

36
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:43,789
The lovely and talented
Fartman, ladies and gentlemen!

37
00:02:43,873 --> 00:02:45,875
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)

38
00:02:53,257 --> 00:02:55,551
HOWARD: <i>I gotta tell
you, with all this carrying on,</i>

39
00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:56,994
<i>I mean, the way
they're screaming,</i>

40
00:02:57,053 --> 00:02:59,013
<i>at first, I really thought
I'd won them over.</i>

41
00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:02,099
<i>I thought I was the Beatles
on</i> Ed Sullivan <i>or something.</i>

42
00:03:02,183 --> 00:03:03,976
Oh, shock...

43
00:03:04,060 --> 00:03:05,728
<i>But did my fellow
artists appreciate</i>

44
00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:09,315
<i>the comedically-ironic aspect
of my new superhero character?</i>

45
00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:12,151
<i>No! They just
thought I was an idiot.</i>

46
00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:15,654
<i>You know most of these people
are Satan-worshipping junkies?</i>

47
00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:22,078
<i>Hey, look. All I want is
for my artistic courage</i>

48
00:03:22,161 --> 00:03:23,746
<i>to be an inspiration to others.</i>

49
00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:25,289
<i>Instead, I'm a joke.</i>

50
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,084
Excuse me, I didn't
mean to interrupt.

51
00:03:31,462 --> 00:03:32,755
I'm embarrassed.

52
00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:35,049
<i>See, that's when I came
to a profound realization.</i>

53
00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:38,302
<i>Everything I do
is misunderstood.</i>

54
00:03:38,844 --> 00:03:40,554
(SNARLS)

55
00:03:40,638 --> 00:03:42,181
<i>Everything I do
is misunderstood.</i>

56
00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:44,475
<i>I mean, think about
what a burden that is.</i>

57
00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:46,268
<i>What a thing to
go through life with.</i>

58
00:03:46,769 --> 00:03:48,562
<i>All I'm trying to
do is be funny,</i>

59
00:03:48,646 --> 00:03:50,815
<i>and I end up feeling
like an asshole.</i>

60
00:03:52,191 --> 00:03:54,402
What a fucking jerk!

61
00:03:59,657 --> 00:04:01,450
MAN: Howard, it was a home run.

62
00:04:01,534 --> 00:04:03,536
- You think so?
- Absolutely!

63
00:04:03,619 --> 00:04:07,832
And when you said, "All of
Hollywood can kiss my ass,"

64
00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:11,210
you had every teenager in the
country eating out of your hand.

65
00:04:11,877 --> 00:04:15,589
My guess is we'll get
coverage from 200, maybe 300...

66
00:04:15,673 --> 00:04:16,674
(HEAVENLY ARIA PLAYING)

67
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:31,188
Howard? Howard!

68
00:04:31,689 --> 00:04:35,609
Here's your ticket. Okay? Call me as
soon as you get to New York, will you?

69
00:04:35,818 --> 00:04:38,946
- Yo, Fartman. Love you, man.
- Thanks.

70
00:04:39,989 --> 00:04:42,741
HOWARD: <i>All right. So, getting
back to what I was talking about.</i>

71
00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:46,412
<i>More than anything, I'd
like the public to appreciate...</i>

72
00:04:47,496 --> 00:04:49,915
<i>No, forget that. I
want them to love me.</i>

73
00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:51,542
<i>Not the myth, but the man.</i>

74
00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:53,169
<i>The real Howard.</i>

75
00:04:54,295 --> 00:04:55,754
<i>Let me demonstrate my point.</i>

76
00:04:55,838 --> 00:04:57,923
<i>Now, take this
woman, for example.</i>

77
00:04:58,716 --> 00:05:00,009
<i>She hates me.</i>

78
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,261
<i>She doesn't even know me,</i>

79
00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:05,681
<i>but it's clear that she's
totally disgusted by me.</i>

80
00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:09,852
Excuse me. You don't possibly
have another seat available, do you?

81
00:05:09,935 --> 00:05:11,729
I'm sorry, we're
showing a full load.

82
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:14,648
Right here on your left.

83
00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:16,358
- Okay.
- Yes.

84
00:05:17,193 --> 00:05:18,444
Sir, may I help you?

85
00:05:22,114 --> 00:05:24,325
- Hello.
- Hello.

86
00:05:25,201 --> 00:05:27,620
- Is this yours?
- Yeah. If you want to read it, you can.

87
00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:30,164
Thank you.

88
00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:39,381
HOWARD: Pfft... <i>I've
seen this look before.</i>

89
00:05:39,465 --> 00:05:43,719
<i>Believe me, it's the
look of misunderstanding.</i>

90
00:05:44,303 --> 00:05:45,804
<i>She thinks I'm a moron.</i>

91
00:05:45,888 --> 00:05:48,933
<i>In fact, all my life, people
have told me I was a moron.</i>

92
00:05:49,391 --> 00:05:51,071
You're a moron! Now
shut up and sit still!

93
00:05:55,064 --> 00:05:56,815
<i>So, this is my dad, Ben Stern.</i>

94
00:05:56,899 --> 00:06:00,611
<i>He was an engineer at a radio
station in Manhattan.</i> WHOM.

95
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:03,030
Why live in Roosevelt
when you work in New York?

96
00:06:03,113 --> 00:06:04,281
Shut up!

97
00:06:04,365 --> 00:06:05,366
(RADIO STATIC)

98
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:08,077
HOWARD: <i>We never played
catch or went to ball games.</i>

99
00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,840
<i>The only sport my
father liked was yelling.</i>

100
00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:10,996
Nothing but crap.

101
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:12,081
(CHANGES STATION)

102
00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:14,083
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS)

103
00:06:14,166 --> 00:06:16,544
- Is this one crap?
- Don't be a moron!

104
00:06:30,224 --> 00:06:31,535
HOWARD: <i>My father
commuted every day.</i>

105
00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:33,519
<i>I guess it was about
40 miles in to Manhattan.</i>

106
00:06:34,019 --> 00:06:36,540
<i>He'd leave at 7:00 in the morning and
get home around midnight or something.</i>

107
00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:37,690
<i>I mean, I never saw the guy.</i>

108
00:06:37,773 --> 00:06:38,857
Come on. Come on.

109
00:06:39,233 --> 00:06:40,961
HOWARD: <i>Once a year,
my old man would break down</i>

110
00:06:40,985 --> 00:06:43,696
<i>and take me to work with
him. A little quality time.</i>

111
00:06:43,779 --> 00:06:46,949
<i>I liked that, a little bonding.
Dad and son together.</i>

112
00:06:47,366 --> 00:06:48,701
<i>I looked forward to that.</i>

113
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:49,910
(ELEVATOR DINGS)

114
00:06:51,412 --> 00:06:52,621
Take my hand, Howard.

115
00:06:52,705 --> 00:06:56,000
And remember, Howard, I work
here, so keep your mouth shut.

116
00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:59,712
You spin and you
spin and you spin...

117
00:07:01,714 --> 00:07:03,674
- Records... Who gives a fuck?
- Daddy?

118
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:06,927
- I told you, shut up!
- That man is throwing records.

119
00:07:07,011 --> 00:07:09,013
No, nobody gives
a goddamn about it!

120
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:12,057
None of it! What the
fuck? Just fucking records!

121
00:07:12,141 --> 00:07:15,394
It's just this fucking place!
None of it means anything!

122
00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:19,023
Sid, you're on in 15 seconds!
Get a grip on yourself.

123
00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:21,775
Ah, what the hell do you know,
you bastard? You <i>mieskait!</i>

124
00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:24,194
You're gonna play the
music for the people?

125
00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:25,654
Symphony Sid!

126
00:07:26,030 --> 00:07:29,908
By the powers vested in me by the
Federal Communications Commission,

127
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:34,371
I command you to get on the
microphone in a serious manner

128
00:07:34,872 --> 00:07:36,665
and continue this broadcast.

129
00:07:47,885 --> 00:07:53,057
CALMLY: This is Sunday Blues and
Jazz, and I'm your host, Symphony Sid.

130
00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:57,227
And now, something
for a blue Sunday...

131
00:07:57,311 --> 00:08:00,147
HOWARD: <i>From that moment
on, I wanted to be on the radio.</i>

132
00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:03,609
<i>Show business
was definitely for me.</i>

133
00:08:03,734 --> 00:08:04,735
(BOUNCY PUPPET MUSIC)

134
00:08:06,487 --> 00:08:09,156
<i>And for my 12th birthday, my
mother bought me some puppets,</i>

135
00:08:10,199 --> 00:08:12,785
<i>and pretty soon I was spreading
joy throughout the community.</i>

136
00:08:13,035 --> 00:08:15,287
(BOUNCY PUPPET MUSIC CONTINUES)

137
00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:24,004
HOWARD IN FEMININE VOICE: Oh,
baby, I want it! Give it to me! More! Oh!

138
00:08:24,088 --> 00:08:26,441
(MASCULINE) You like that, huh?
(FEMININE) Oh, yes, I love it, baby!

139
00:08:26,465 --> 00:08:27,466
Give it to me.

140
00:08:27,675 --> 00:08:30,135
Oh, baby, yes, right there! Oh!

141
00:08:30,219 --> 00:08:32,096
More! More! Harder!

142
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:34,032
(MASCULINE) You want it
harder? (FEMININE) Oh, yes, harder!

143
00:08:34,056 --> 00:08:35,641
Please give it to me. Please!

144
00:08:35,766 --> 00:08:37,601
(SCREAMING)

145
00:08:39,061 --> 00:08:40,896
But why can't I play
with my puppets?

146
00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:43,107
Shut up! You know why!

147
00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:50,906
HOWARD: <i>You know,
life is very strange.</i>

148
00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:54,785
<i>Just about the time my
puppet career ended,</i>

149
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:57,371
<i>my whole neighborhood
underwent a demographic shift.</i>

150
00:08:57,788 --> 00:09:00,141
Well, my parents said we're
moving because of those niggers.

151
00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:02,835
They said, pretty soon, Roosevelt's
gonna be nothing but niggers.

152
00:09:02,918 --> 00:09:06,046
Really, my parents said we're
moving 'cause of all the <i>schwarzes.</i>

153
00:09:06,255 --> 00:09:09,049
Schwarzes are niggers,
idiot. They're the same thing.

154
00:09:09,133 --> 00:09:10,134
(TIRES SCREECH)

155
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,613
I don't want to hear any
more of this, you hear me?

156
00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:16,515
I'm half-Negro. And
Howard's half-Negro.

157
00:09:16,598 --> 00:09:19,935
And anything bad you say about Negroes,
you're saying about us, you understand?

158
00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:27,651
Mom, we're half-Negro?

159
00:09:31,989 --> 00:09:34,408
I can't believe the
stories he makes up.

160
00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:37,745
I mean, I never made him
wear my underwear to school.

161
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:40,706
And... And as far as my
taking his rectal temperature

162
00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:42,875
every day till he was 14,

163
00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:44,960
he shouldn't make
such a big deal.

164
00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:47,504
He still grew up to be a
very well-adjusted individual.

165
00:09:47,588 --> 00:09:48,672
Absolutely!

166
00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:54,136
<i>Roosevelt High
School. Beautiful.</i>

167
00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:56,680
<i>A fully-integrated
educational institution,</i>

168
00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:59,475
<i>which, of course, meant
6, 000 black guys and me.</i>

169
00:10:00,684 --> 00:10:03,020
<i>And then I hit puberty.
That made things worse,</i>

170
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,622
<i>because my penis
never got any bigger.</i>

171
00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:06,398
<i>I mean, I was hung
like a three-year old.</i>

172
00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:11,153
<i>Hey, seriously, these guys
have rhinoceros penises. Huge!</i>

173
00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:14,323
<i>You know, I've heard black men
complain that they're unfairly stereotyped.</i>

174
00:10:14,406 --> 00:10:16,784
<i>Man, I'd love to have
a stereotype like that.</i>

175
00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:22,414
<i>Now, because I had such a
minuscule schlonger, I turned to drugs.</i>

176
00:10:22,873 --> 00:10:25,793
<i>Unfortunately, the drugs
really made me paranoid.</i>

177
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:34,259
HOWARD'S MOTHER: Howard? I
smell smoke. Are you smoking in there?

178
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:35,969
There's no smoke in here.

179
00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:39,181
Howard, your father wants
to see you downstairs.

180
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:44,561
(GARGLES)

181
00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:46,313
Howard?

182
00:10:47,773 --> 00:10:48,774
(SWALLOWS)

183
00:10:48,857 --> 00:10:51,443
Howard, you're graduating
from high school this year.

184
00:10:51,527 --> 00:10:53,779
You should be making some
kind of plan for your future.

185
00:10:54,238 --> 00:10:55,280
You need a plan.

186
00:10:55,364 --> 00:10:57,032
I want to be on the radio.

187
00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,368
He wants to be on radio.

188
00:10:59,451 --> 00:11:01,620
But to be on the radio
you have to have a voice.

189
00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:03,497
You have to have
some verbal ability.

190
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,624
You hardly ever say a word.

191
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:09,545
<i>This all from a guy who's only told
me to shut up about 50, 000 times.</i>

192
00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:10,838
I talk.

193
00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:14,925
You really want
to be on the radio?

194
00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:20,097
Okay, if you want
a shot at radio,

195
00:11:20,222 --> 00:11:21,557
the counseling center says

196
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:24,810
there's a Communications
program at Boston University.

197
00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:37,406
HOWARD: <i>Okay, I
know what you're saying.</i>

198
00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:40,033
<i>You're saying I look a
little old to be in college.</i>

199
00:11:40,117 --> 00:11:43,036
<i>But for this movie, you
gotta suspend disbelief</i>

200
00:11:44,121 --> 00:11:45,122
Hey, Lisa.

201
00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:48,792
- Lisa, how you doing?
- Hi.

202
00:11:48,876 --> 00:11:50,878
Wondering if you'd like
to go out Friday night?

203
00:11:51,670 --> 00:11:52,754
With you?

204
00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,172
No, thanks.

205
00:11:57,259 --> 00:12:00,429
- Hi, I was just wondering...
- Uh, no.

206
00:12:07,185 --> 00:12:08,854
- Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.

207
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:11,148
Excuse me. Would you
like to go out Friday night?

208
00:12:11,857 --> 00:12:12,983
Friday?

209
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:22,492
No... I have a lot of reading
to catch up on, but thank you.

210
00:12:23,911 --> 00:12:25,787
HOWARD: <i>So, I masturbated a lot.</i>

211
00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:29,541
<i>Two-time-a-day habit. I'm
not proud of it, but I did it.</i>

212
00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:31,168
<i>Senior year, a big year for me.</i>

213
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:33,811
<i>I finally got up the courage go
down to the college radio station</i>

214
00:12:33,879 --> 00:12:35,422
<i>and get myself on the air.</i>

215
00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:38,383
And my name is Howard Stern
on <i>The Howard Stern Experience,</i>

216
00:12:38,467 --> 00:12:43,847
and if you love music, you'll
love Deep Purple on TBU.

217
00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:47,184
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

218
00:12:55,484 --> 00:12:56,485
Ohh...

219
00:12:58,195 --> 00:13:00,238
Ooh, ooh, ooh!

220
00:13:00,322 --> 00:13:01,740
Ooh!

221
00:13:02,366 --> 00:13:04,826
Oh, my God! Oh, my fucking God!

222
00:13:06,161 --> 00:13:07,829
(NEEDLE SCRATCHES RECORD)

223
00:13:08,538 --> 00:13:11,017
How do I forget it? It's the single
worst moment in radio history.

224
00:13:11,041 --> 00:13:14,086
- It's not radio, it's college radio.
- Really.

225
00:13:14,169 --> 00:13:15,337
There's nobody listening.

226
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:18,382
Nobody. Maybe, like, three
guys in a dorm somewhere.

227
00:13:18,924 --> 00:13:22,135
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, fuck! I know someone on this block.

228
00:13:22,219 --> 00:13:23,637
- Let me think.
- Come on!

229
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,681
Down here. Down here. Come here.

230
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:27,140
(KNOCK ON DOOR)

231
00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:29,142
- Hi, Elyse.
- Hey.

232
00:13:29,226 --> 00:13:32,562
So, we were on our way to
a rally in support of feminism,

233
00:13:32,646 --> 00:13:33,939
and we got caught in the rain.

234
00:13:34,022 --> 00:13:36,250
I'm wondering if we could come
in and just hang out for a while.

235
00:13:36,274 --> 00:13:38,151
- Sure, come on in.
- Thanks.

236
00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:41,047
HOWARD: Can I
use your hairdryer?

237
00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:42,590
Yeah. There's one
at the end of the hall.

238
00:13:42,614 --> 00:13:43,615
Hey, Rach.

239
00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:46,410
- This is Howard.
- Oh, hi. My hair's wet.

240
00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:48,078
Just put that there.

241
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:49,788
I'm just gonna go dry my hair.

242
00:13:49,871 --> 00:13:51,540
Hey, I heard you
on the radio today.

243
00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:54,292
- You heard that?
- Yeah. What happened?

244
00:13:55,002 --> 00:13:56,479
I didn't think anybody
listened to that.

245
00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:57,546
Alison, this is Howard.

246
00:13:57,629 --> 00:13:59,607
Howard, this is Alison.
Alison's one of my roommates.

247
00:13:59,631 --> 00:14:00,757
Hey.

248
00:14:01,967 --> 00:14:02,968
(THUNDER)

249
00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:06,263
(ENCHANTING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

250
00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:11,226
Howard? Howard?

251
00:14:11,893 --> 00:14:13,729
- Hairdryer's in the bathroom.
- Okay.

252
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:21,361
Hi... Hi... Hi, I'm Howard...

253
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:24,823
Look at you, man, you
can get her. Look at you.

254
00:14:24,906 --> 00:14:25,991
She is hot.

255
00:14:26,074 --> 00:14:27,075
(SNIFFING)

256
00:14:28,285 --> 00:14:29,369
How are you?

257
00:14:29,453 --> 00:14:33,081
I'm making a film for my film class,
and, I mean, it's a legitimate film.

258
00:14:33,165 --> 00:14:34,767
You won't... You're not gonna
have to be naked or anything.

259
00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:36,394
You're gonna have your
clothes on, you know.

260
00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:39,129
- What's it about?
- Well, I'm glad you asked me that.

261
00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:43,508
In my psychology class,
we're studying B. F. Skinner.

262
00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:48,180
And, I started to realize
that what Skinner says is true.

263
00:14:48,305 --> 00:14:51,725
We're all rats trapped in a box,
all searching for a piece of cheese.

264
00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:53,518
Mm-hmm.

265
00:14:53,602 --> 00:14:55,103
And I'm gonna
shoot it on Saturday.

266
00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,023
I can't do it Saturday.

267
00:14:58,106 --> 00:15:01,234
I work with an outpatient
program for schizophrenics.

268
00:15:01,318 --> 00:15:02,754
One of them
actually killed himself,

269
00:15:02,778 --> 00:15:06,073
so I'm taking the whole group
to the funeral on Saturday, but...

270
00:15:06,615 --> 00:15:07,866
Sorry.

271
00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:10,994
You are really perfect.

272
00:15:11,078 --> 00:15:14,289
I... All right, what
if I reschedule?

273
00:15:15,791 --> 00:15:18,376
Beautiful, I don't believe it!

274
00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:21,922
HOWARD: <i>Look, I refused to leave
the room until she agreed to be in my film.</i>

275
00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:23,173
- Gorgeous.
- I feel stupid.

276
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,592
<i>Seriously, she was the most
enchanting woman I'd ever met.</i>

277
00:15:25,675 --> 00:15:27,795
I'm telling you, I'm looking
for the face of an angel.

278
00:15:27,844 --> 00:15:29,030
You have the face of an angel...

279
00:15:29,054 --> 00:15:30,055
(GHOSTLY GROANING)

280
00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:33,100
HOWARD'S VOICE: <i>Save me!</i>

281
00:15:35,519 --> 00:15:37,646
<i>Save me!</i>

282
00:15:38,522 --> 00:15:43,235
<i>He comes to me! He comes to me!</i>

283
00:15:43,902 --> 00:15:45,779
<i>Ahh...</i>

284
00:15:46,404 --> 00:15:48,323
<i>Save me.</i>

285
00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:51,618
(APPLAUSE)

286
00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:57,999
We give the award
for best student film

287
00:15:58,416 --> 00:16:00,961
to Mr. Howard Stern.

288
00:16:06,174 --> 00:16:08,260
HOWARD: <i>I'll tell you,
nothing makes a woman hotter</i>

289
00:16:08,343 --> 00:16:10,137
<i>than to be with an
award-winning filmmaker.</i>

290
00:16:10,262 --> 00:16:11,429
<i>This I know.</i>

291
00:16:11,513 --> 00:16:13,157
<i>And at this point, I
knew I was gonna score.</i>

292
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,558
<i>I mean, it was fait accompli.</i>

293
00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:17,561
<i>I was in. This
was it. I'm a stud.</i>

294
00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:19,521
<i>She was liquefied.</i>

295
00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:21,857
We did not have
sex on our first date.

296
00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:23,733
Although he was very sexual.

297
00:16:24,568 --> 00:16:26,778
Our sex life has always
been good. I mean...

298
00:16:27,362 --> 00:16:31,324
Howard complains that his penis is
too small, but his penis size is fine.

299
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:33,743
Howard exaggerates.

300
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:35,328
(SHIVERING)

301
00:16:36,204 --> 00:16:37,205
- Okay.
- Okay.

302
00:16:37,289 --> 00:16:38,290
Now hold this and say...

303
00:16:38,373 --> 00:16:40,667
Hi, hi, I'm Camille, and, uh,

304
00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:44,296
- I'm in Westchester, New York, and...
- "This is Howard's first job interview."

305
00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,631
This is Howard's
first job interview.

306
00:16:46,715 --> 00:16:49,342
Well, he's going to his first
job interview in New York.

307
00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:50,987
- All right. One more thing.
- (SHIVERING) Yes.

308
00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:52,179
Can you take your top off?

309
00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:53,722
- No!
- No, I'm serious.

310
00:16:53,805 --> 00:16:55,366
I'm serious, this is what
they want you to do.

311
00:16:55,390 --> 00:16:57,058
- No, they don't.
- No, they do.

312
00:16:57,142 --> 00:16:58,310
- No way!
- No, they do.

313
00:16:58,393 --> 00:16:59,394
Howard did not tell...

314
00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:13,241
- I'm Moti, station manager.
- Howard Stern.

315
00:17:13,325 --> 00:17:15,035
You want to be a disc jockey?

316
00:17:15,118 --> 00:17:16,878
Very much so. I've
wanted to be a disc jockey

317
00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:18,538
since I was seven years old.

318
00:17:18,830 --> 00:17:19,998
What are you? An idiot?

319
00:17:21,041 --> 00:17:22,500
No, sir, I'm not an idiot. I...

320
00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:25,545
In fact, I have a Communications
degree from Boston University.

321
00:17:25,629 --> 00:17:27,982
And I would work very hard for
this company if given the opportunity.

322
00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:29,132
You wanted to see me?

323
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:31,927
You came late yesterday.
You came late today.

324
00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:33,303
I don't need you. You're fired.

325
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:35,055
Fuck you.

326
00:17:35,138 --> 00:17:38,433
Good. Fuck you, you punk!
Fuck you 1,000 percent!

327
00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:41,645
Fuck you till your asshole
is purple donkey asshole!

328
00:17:41,770 --> 00:17:43,010
(MUTTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

329
00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:45,440
Okay, you start tomorrow.

330
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:47,943
10:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m.

331
00:17:48,026 --> 00:17:49,361
- Eh?
- Yes.

332
00:17:49,444 --> 00:17:52,072
Pay, $96 a week, and don't
bring me your problems.

333
00:17:52,155 --> 00:17:53,907
- Okay.
- I'm not psychiatrist.

334
00:17:54,783 --> 00:17:55,951
Thank you very much.

335
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:59,329
I promise you I will not
disappoint you. Thank you.

336
00:18:00,121 --> 00:18:01,665
And I start tomorrow?

337
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:05,418
DEJECTEDLY:
Westchester 107, WRNW 107.

338
00:18:05,961 --> 00:18:07,295
Hi, this is Howard Stern.

339
00:18:07,379 --> 00:18:11,299
It's 75 degrees presently.
Winds out of the northwest.

340
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:14,970
Chances of precipitation,
85% for tonight.

341
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,013
Looks like rain.

342
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:21,268
<i>Tomorrow partly sunny at
WRNW Westchester 107.</i>

343
00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:22,978
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

344
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:26,958
HOWARD: <i>I was sort
of living with Alison</i>

345
00:18:26,982 --> 00:18:30,110
<i>while she worked on her Masters in
Social Work, which was really great.</i>

346
00:18:30,652 --> 00:18:33,571
<i>I was also still living with my
parents, which wasn't so great.</i>

347
00:18:33,655 --> 00:18:36,032
- HOWARD'S MOTHER: Howard?
- Yeah... Yeah, Ma?

348
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:38,576
I smell smoke. Are
you smoking in there?

349
00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:40,453
No, Ma, there's
no smoke in here.

350
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:44,124
DEJECTEDLY: 107 FM, WRNW,

351
00:18:44,207 --> 00:18:46,293
I'm Howard Stern with
you each and every day.

352
00:18:46,376 --> 00:18:49,379
And I've got a great
Two-for-Tuesday.

353
00:18:49,713 --> 00:18:55,427
107 FM, The Ramones. Gabba Gabba,
wee, gabba gabba, hey, gabba gabba gabba...

354
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,805
(RAMONES PLAYING LOUDLY)

355
00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:09,816
Howard, you stink.
I don't mix words.

356
00:19:09,899 --> 00:19:11,735
You'll never be a
great disc jockey.

357
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:14,946
You've a lousy voice, lousy
personality, this will not change.

358
00:19:15,030 --> 00:19:17,699
Okay? So on the
air is not for you.

359
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:21,953
But you come on time, and
you're a good worker, huh?

360
00:19:22,579 --> 00:19:23,580
So...

361
00:19:24,706 --> 00:19:27,584
How about I make
you program director?

362
00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:36,009
- Program director?
- Program director. You.

363
00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:39,471
You... You run station.

364
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,474
You... Sit. You pick music.

365
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,809
No more $96 a week.

366
00:19:44,893 --> 00:19:48,271
Eh... I pay you... You, eh...

367
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:51,524
250 dollars a week.

368
00:19:51,983 --> 00:19:52,984
(CHUCKLES)

369
00:19:53,568 --> 00:19:56,071
You'd be management, like me.

370
00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:59,425
HOWARD: <i>To be quite honest, I
didn't really want to be a programmer,</i>

371
00:19:59,449 --> 00:20:01,785
<i>but at $250 a week,
I could marry Alison</i>

372
00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:03,745
<i>and we'd get a
real place together.</i>

373
00:20:04,162 --> 00:20:06,831
<i>Oh, look at her. I
mean, this was a miracle.</i>

374
00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:08,708
<i>Here's this beautiful girl,</i>

375
00:20:08,792 --> 00:20:10,210
<i>I mean, a gorgeous woman,</i>

376
00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:11,604
<i>willing to spend the
rest of her life with me.</i>

377
00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:13,171
<i>I just couldn't
have been happier.</i>

378
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:17,509
<i>I was the happiest
program director in the world.</i>

379
00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:21,930
<i>Yeah, me. Program director.
Overnight, I become the big boss.</i>

380
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:24,641
<i>Howard Stern, Executive Manager!</i>

381
00:20:24,766 --> 00:20:26,434
<i>I had no idea what I was doing.</i>

382
00:20:26,518 --> 00:20:29,145
<i>No clue what to do
with this job whatsoever.</i>

383
00:20:29,229 --> 00:20:31,314
<i>But I did it, and
everyone bought into it.</i>

384
00:20:31,398 --> 00:20:32,500
<i>They thought I knew
what I was doing.</i>

385
00:20:32,524 --> 00:20:33,900
<i>This was great.</i>

386
00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:35,902
- Howard!
- Oh, hey, Moti!

387
00:20:36,111 --> 00:20:39,531
- Advertising is up, profit is up.
- Oh, great.

388
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:42,575
As a disc jockey, you're...
You're shit. (CHUCKLES)

389
00:20:42,659 --> 00:20:44,035
But you're a great programmer.

390
00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:45,995
- Here, payday.
- Thanks, Moti.

391
00:20:46,079 --> 00:20:49,040
Listen, I want you
to fire Dickie Davis.

392
00:20:50,125 --> 00:20:51,167
Why?

393
00:20:51,251 --> 00:20:52,627
None of your business.

394
00:20:52,710 --> 00:20:54,045
The guy's got three kids!

395
00:20:54,379 --> 00:20:57,298
You want to be management? You
fire him, huh? It's good to fire someone.

396
00:20:57,382 --> 00:21:00,135
It gives a good message to
the others. Just fire him, huh?

397
00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:03,304
I don't want to fire
him. You fire him.

398
00:21:03,388 --> 00:21:08,143
Howard, disc jockeys are dogs.
Your job is to make them fetch, eh?

399
00:21:08,518 --> 00:21:12,814
Now, if you want to truly be management,
you be a man and fire him. Do it!

400
00:21:13,106 --> 00:21:14,524
Be a man.

401
00:21:23,575 --> 00:21:26,077
MOTI: Tell Dickie Davis
Howard wants to see him now.

402
00:21:27,412 --> 00:21:28,830
(VOMITING)

403
00:21:35,003 --> 00:21:36,004
(VOMITING)

404
00:21:36,087 --> 00:21:38,923
- How? Howard?
- Don't look.

405
00:21:39,132 --> 00:21:40,592
Are you okay?

406
00:21:40,675 --> 00:21:41,676
(COUGHS)

407
00:21:42,385 --> 00:21:44,971
Let me ask you something.
Would you still love me

408
00:21:45,597 --> 00:21:47,891
if I gave up my programming
job and I stayed on the air

409
00:21:47,974 --> 00:21:49,142
and I made a lot less money?

410
00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:50,477
Yes.

411
00:21:51,019 --> 00:21:53,539
I mean, you know, I'd have to
leave you, but I'd still love you.

412
00:21:55,482 --> 00:21:58,485
Be serious. If I
make less money,

413
00:21:58,568 --> 00:22:00,653
we wouldn't even be able
to afford this apartment.

414
00:22:00,862 --> 00:22:02,864
We can't really afford
the apartment now,

415
00:22:02,947 --> 00:22:05,033
so it doesn't quite
matter, really.

416
00:22:05,408 --> 00:22:07,035
I guess.

417
00:22:10,163 --> 00:22:11,748
Do what you need to do.

418
00:22:13,416 --> 00:22:16,044
Come on back here, hold
the sign right in front of you.

419
00:22:16,127 --> 00:22:17,295
Come on back.

420
00:22:17,378 --> 00:22:19,506
I want you to say,
"Howard goes to Hartford,"

421
00:22:19,714 --> 00:22:22,717
"and becomes the wacky
morning man at WCCC."

422
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:25,220
(UNCLEAR ENUNCIATION)
Howard goes to Hartford at CCC.

423
00:22:25,303 --> 00:22:26,596
"Howard goes to Hartford,"

424
00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:28,932
"and becomes the wacky
morning man at WCCC."

425
00:22:29,015 --> 00:22:31,434
Howard goes to Hartford at W...

426
00:22:31,518 --> 00:22:33,037
All right. All right.
That's not gonna work.

427
00:22:33,061 --> 00:22:34,687
"Howard comes to Hartford"

428
00:22:34,771 --> 00:22:37,607
"to become the wacky
morning man at WCCC."

429
00:22:37,690 --> 00:22:39,442
GARY: Let's see some muscles!

430
00:22:41,361 --> 00:22:43,154
How about some back muscles?

431
00:22:43,238 --> 00:22:45,532
Was my voice too
deep doing that?

432
00:22:45,615 --> 00:22:46,616
No, it's very feminine.

433
00:22:57,335 --> 00:23:02,048
WCCC FM 107 and AM
1290. My name is Fred Norris.

434
00:23:02,131 --> 00:23:04,801
And, uh, stick around for
the new guy, Howard Stern,

435
00:23:04,884 --> 00:23:06,886
and <i>The Howard Stern Program.</i>

436
00:23:09,055 --> 00:23:10,348
Hi.

437
00:23:10,431 --> 00:23:12,934
Oh... Oh, my God.

438
00:23:13,017 --> 00:23:14,018
Oh, it's so...

439
00:23:15,186 --> 00:23:17,689
Hi. Howard Stern. How
you doing? You're Fred?

440
00:23:18,356 --> 00:23:21,276
I can't believe how late I
am. Who would have thought?

441
00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:24,612
On the Berlin Turnpike, I take
a left-hand turn like I rehearsed

442
00:23:24,696 --> 00:23:27,323
500 times getting here
and I somehow got lost.

443
00:23:27,407 --> 00:23:28,408
Oh...

444
00:23:29,826 --> 00:23:32,787
I'm sweating. I'm so hot.

445
00:23:33,705 --> 00:23:35,248
I'm so <i>schvitz!</i>

446
00:23:35,331 --> 00:23:37,500
(SIGHS) I'm hot.

447
00:23:39,627 --> 00:23:41,504
I was planning on being on time.

448
00:23:45,049 --> 00:23:46,426
Ooh, man.

449
00:23:47,010 --> 00:23:48,469
Whoo-oo-oo...

450
00:23:49,220 --> 00:23:53,016
107 FM, AM 1290, WCCC!

451
00:23:53,099 --> 00:23:56,477
Good morning. My name is Howard
Stern. I'm the new morning man on CCC.

452
00:23:56,561 --> 00:23:59,063
Sitting with me,
uh, Mr. Ringo...

453
00:23:59,147 --> 00:24:03,860
Mr. Ringo Starr and he's
here in the studio. Hi, Ringo.

454
00:24:03,943 --> 00:24:05,379
(IMITATES RINGO)
"How you doing, me love?"

455
00:24:05,403 --> 00:24:08,823
I wish you'd play us a little wipe-out
this morning, wake everybody up.

456
00:24:13,620 --> 00:24:17,832
Oh, yeah! That was great,
Ringo! CCC, AM 1290, FM 107.

457
00:24:17,915 --> 00:24:19,626
This is Cheap Trick.

458
00:24:19,959 --> 00:24:22,003
(CHEAP TRICK SONG PLAYS)

459
00:24:23,212 --> 00:24:24,631
Ohh, thank you.

460
00:24:25,131 --> 00:24:26,132
Whoa.

461
00:24:27,550 --> 00:24:29,320
HOWARD: <i>Hartford ended
up being okay, you know.</i>

462
00:24:29,344 --> 00:24:30,863
<i>I mean, Fred seemed
to really like me.</i>

463
00:24:30,887 --> 00:24:32,430
<i>I mean, I think
he really liked me.</i>

464
00:24:32,513 --> 00:24:34,199
<i>The guy's like wallpaper.
Who can get a read on him?</i>

465
00:24:34,223 --> 00:24:35,903
<i>And Alison, well, she
got a job right away.</i>

466
00:24:35,975 --> 00:24:39,270
Now, if you wanted to buy liver
for dinner, what would you do?

467
00:24:40,438 --> 00:24:45,068
- Go to the supermarket?
- That's right. And then what?

468
00:24:45,151 --> 00:24:49,906
This afternoon, gray skies,
occasional showers and precipitation.

469
00:24:50,114 --> 00:24:51,824
Highs near 75.

470
00:24:51,908 --> 00:24:54,952
It's going to be
raining like cats and...

471
00:24:55,036 --> 00:24:56,096
(IMITATING CAT AND CHICKEN)

472
00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:57,914
And chickens? I don't think so.

473
00:24:58,081 --> 00:25:00,458
- (IMITATING DOG)
- And dogs.

474
00:25:00,541 --> 00:25:04,128
WCCC also wants to remind you
that our new sponsor, Stanley Sport...

475
00:25:04,587 --> 00:25:06,047
um, is a great place to go.

476
00:25:06,130 --> 00:25:07,191
(MOUTHING) We don't have it.

477
00:25:07,215 --> 00:25:08,651
You know, I gotta
tell you something.

478
00:25:08,675 --> 00:25:11,469
When I was a child, I used to
go to Stanley Sport all the time.

479
00:25:11,552 --> 00:25:12,804
I loved Stanley Sport.

480
00:25:12,887 --> 00:25:15,607
My parents would take me through
there, and we just had a great time.

481
00:25:15,682 --> 00:25:17,282
And we could walk
out with tons of stuff,

482
00:25:17,350 --> 00:25:19,519
even though my parents
didn't make a lot of money.

483
00:25:19,811 --> 00:25:20,812
Oh.

484
00:25:21,312 --> 00:25:24,023
And, uh, there's only
one Stanley Sports.

485
00:25:24,148 --> 00:25:28,194
And the grand opening is this
weekend. Mark it on your calendar.

486
00:25:30,113 --> 00:25:31,739
The grand opening is this...

487
00:25:31,823 --> 00:25:34,659
I just realized, uh, that
makes no sense, what I said.

488
00:25:34,742 --> 00:25:36,929
I just told you I went there as a
kid and now the grand opening...

489
00:25:36,953 --> 00:25:39,747
Well, I just... I think I
was just caught in a lie.

490
00:25:40,707 --> 00:25:43,126
Oh, boy. You know
what the truth is?

491
00:25:43,209 --> 00:25:45,712
I'm a disc jockey who
makes $250 a week,

492
00:25:45,837 --> 00:25:47,690
and I just want to do the
right thing here on the air.

493
00:25:47,714 --> 00:25:51,884
I don't wanna get fired. So,
uh, I guess I lied to you, but...

494
00:25:52,093 --> 00:25:54,262
I'll never let that happen
again. You know what I mean?

495
00:25:54,345 --> 00:25:55,888
Oh, boy, do I feel stupid.

496
00:25:57,932 --> 00:26:01,436
Seriously, I heard the show today.
I think you're really getting good.

497
00:26:02,061 --> 00:26:03,563
What part did you
like in particular?

498
00:26:03,646 --> 00:26:06,208
Was it the Chinese guy calling
in for the Doobie Brothers tickets?

499
00:26:06,232 --> 00:26:09,360
You know when you did that ad,
and you were just being yourself?

500
00:26:10,027 --> 00:26:12,280
- That's what you liked?
- Yeah.

501
00:26:12,989 --> 00:26:15,366
- Really?
- It was funny.

502
00:26:20,371 --> 00:26:23,833
HOWARD: <i>Little by little, our ratings
actually improved, and before long,</i>

503
00:26:23,916 --> 00:26:26,377
<i>I got to interview my first
real semi-famous celebrity,</i>

504
00:26:26,502 --> 00:26:29,005
<i>B-movie star,
Brittany Fairchild.</i>

505
00:26:29,088 --> 00:26:30,298
<i>While I'm interviewing her,</i>

506
00:26:30,381 --> 00:26:33,426
<i>she actually invites me to
go to a premiere for her movie.</i>

507
00:26:33,509 --> 00:26:36,596
<i>I remember how embarrassing it
was because nobody knew who I was.</i>

508
00:26:36,804 --> 00:26:39,366
<i>I'm escorting this woman around, and
none of these people know who I am.</i>

509
00:26:39,390 --> 00:26:42,226
<i>They just think she has some
ugly boyfriend, you know?</i>

510
00:26:42,435 --> 00:26:44,562
<i>But who cares? I
mean, it was exciting.</i>

511
00:27:00,661 --> 00:27:02,246
BRITTANY ON FILM: <i>Hello?</i>

512
00:27:08,211 --> 00:27:09,879
<i>I'm here for the shoot.</i>

513
00:27:15,009 --> 00:27:16,511
<i>Is anybody there?</i>

514
00:27:22,183 --> 00:27:23,392
<i>Hello?</i>

515
00:27:25,311 --> 00:27:26,312
HOWARD: Ohh...

516
00:27:29,148 --> 00:27:33,861
My back hurts. Would you mind
taking me back to my hotel room?

517
00:27:36,197 --> 00:27:38,032
I know this director,
and he told me

518
00:27:38,115 --> 00:27:41,202
that when he was little,
his mother killed his sister,

519
00:27:41,285 --> 00:27:43,120
but was never charged.

520
00:27:43,204 --> 00:27:44,205
Wow.

521
00:27:45,081 --> 00:27:46,541
Come in.

522
00:27:47,250 --> 00:27:49,168
Come in.

523
00:27:54,549 --> 00:27:56,259
- It's nice.
- Sit down.

524
00:27:57,343 --> 00:27:58,344
(KEYS JANGLE)

525
00:27:59,637 --> 00:28:02,014
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

526
00:28:08,729 --> 00:28:11,148
Hey, man. Free drinks.

527
00:28:13,734 --> 00:28:14,735
(CLEARS THROAT)

528
00:28:16,988 --> 00:28:17,989
(FAUCET SQUEAKS)

529
00:28:18,155 --> 00:28:19,156
(WATER RUNNING)

530
00:28:20,783 --> 00:28:22,869
What the hell is she doing?

531
00:28:25,413 --> 00:28:26,873
I think she's running a bath.

532
00:28:34,088 --> 00:28:36,924
Oh, my God, man, she's
taking her clothes off.

533
00:28:37,758 --> 00:28:39,719
I guess she forgot
to close the door.

534
00:28:40,177 --> 00:28:42,657
Well, she's a Hollywood actress.
They have a lot on their mind.

535
00:28:44,015 --> 00:28:45,474
Oh, my God.

536
00:28:50,021 --> 00:28:51,564
Oh, is she cute!

537
00:28:52,648 --> 00:28:54,692
- BRITTANY: Howard?
- Yes?

538
00:28:54,775 --> 00:28:56,485
Could you come
here for a second?

539
00:29:11,792 --> 00:29:12,793
Oh, hi.

540
00:29:12,877 --> 00:29:15,379
My shoulders tense
up when I travel.

541
00:29:15,463 --> 00:29:17,089
Would you mind rubbing
them for a minute?

542
00:29:17,173 --> 00:29:20,885
It works best when I'm in a hot
bath. It helps relax the muscles.

543
00:29:22,887 --> 00:29:27,683
- I don't know if that's okay or not.
- Please. It really hurts.

544
00:29:29,894 --> 00:29:31,979
I don't know that I can do this.

545
00:29:32,063 --> 00:29:33,863
I'll tell you what, I'll
just kneel over here,

546
00:29:33,940 --> 00:29:35,620
and I'll rub your
shoulders from back here.

547
00:29:35,691 --> 00:29:38,235
No. Sit behind me in the tub.

548
00:29:38,444 --> 00:29:40,863
- Oh, I can't do that.
- Why not?

549
00:29:41,614 --> 00:29:43,991
Well, for one thing, my
clothes are gonna get all wet.

550
00:29:44,075 --> 00:29:46,661
Well, then I guess
you better take them off.

551
00:29:49,413 --> 00:29:51,173
I gotta tell you something.
You are gorgeous.

552
00:29:51,248 --> 00:29:53,101
And... And you're a great
actress and everything,

553
00:29:53,125 --> 00:29:55,962
but I got a wife at home.
I can't cheat on my wife.

554
00:29:56,212 --> 00:29:57,505
Then leave your underwear on.

555
00:29:58,965 --> 00:29:59,966
What?

556
00:30:00,049 --> 00:30:02,927
If you leave your underwear
on, then you can't cheat.

557
00:30:03,010 --> 00:30:04,762
It's just like going swimming.

558
00:30:04,887 --> 00:30:08,724
HOWARD: <i>I don't know what it was,
but she started making a lot of sense.</i>

559
00:30:08,808 --> 00:30:12,979
I really need your help.
My back really hurts.

560
00:30:13,938 --> 00:30:15,147
FRED: She's right.

561
00:30:17,483 --> 00:30:19,860
Could you start
with my shoulders?

562
00:30:23,823 --> 00:30:24,824
Ahh...

563
00:30:25,199 --> 00:30:26,200
Yeah.

564
00:30:27,702 --> 00:30:29,036
(MOANS)

565
00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:34,000
Can you come around my sides. I
think I pulled a muscle in my ribcage.

566
00:30:36,669 --> 00:30:38,254
(MOANS)

567
00:30:39,839 --> 00:30:41,132
Howard?

568
00:30:47,179 --> 00:30:49,473
I know how to give
a man pleasure.

569
00:30:51,350 --> 00:30:52,810
Mmm.

570
00:30:53,644 --> 00:30:55,312
Ooh.

571
00:30:55,396 --> 00:30:56,689
Pleasure.

572
00:30:59,150 --> 00:31:01,527
Oh. Oh, wow.

573
00:31:01,610 --> 00:31:03,320
No, no, no. No,
no, no, no, no, no.

574
00:31:03,404 --> 00:31:04,822
Stop that. Stop.

575
00:31:04,989 --> 00:31:06,532
Oh, whoa.

576
00:31:06,615 --> 00:31:09,035
Oh, man. Wow. Thank you.

577
00:31:09,118 --> 00:31:10,786
Oh, my. Thanks. Thanks...

578
00:31:10,870 --> 00:31:13,098
Thanks for everything, listen,
the premiere and everything.

579
00:31:13,122 --> 00:31:16,208
Oh, my God. I
just... I just gotta go.

580
00:31:16,292 --> 00:31:20,129
You know, it was a great interview on
the radio. Thanks, thanks... Thank you.

581
00:31:20,463 --> 00:31:23,090
I really must go. Bye!

582
00:31:23,215 --> 00:31:24,216
(DOOR CLOSES)

583
00:31:24,592 --> 00:31:26,552
(SOUL MUSIC PLAYING)

584
00:31:47,114 --> 00:31:48,616
(SCRUBBING)

585
00:31:49,283 --> 00:31:52,036
- Hi.
- Hey. How was it?

586
00:31:52,578 --> 00:31:55,081
So bad, so horrible. I just
had the worst night of my life.

587
00:31:55,164 --> 00:31:57,583
I mean, I can't even begin to
tell you how miserable I am.

588
00:31:57,875 --> 00:31:59,543
But it's so late, I
got to get to bed.

589
00:31:59,627 --> 00:32:00,669
I mean, no one realizes

590
00:32:00,753 --> 00:32:02,731
I got to get up at 4:00 in the
morning in that radio station.

591
00:32:02,755 --> 00:32:03,899
I can't believe how late it is.

592
00:32:03,923 --> 00:32:05,341
- Go and get in.
- Okay.

593
00:32:05,424 --> 00:32:08,677
I, I just... I just need to rest.
I need to get some sleep.

594
00:32:09,136 --> 00:32:10,346
Horrible.

595
00:32:13,182 --> 00:32:15,434
God, let me get away with this

596
00:32:15,518 --> 00:32:19,230
and I swear I'll never stray
from Alison again. Never.

597
00:32:19,772 --> 00:32:21,166
HOWARD ON RADIO: <i>I just
wanna thank someone this morning.</i>

598
00:32:21,190 --> 00:32:22,817
<i>I want to thank
Brittany Fairchild</i>

599
00:32:22,900 --> 00:32:25,945
<i>for having myself and Fred out to,
uh, her new movie. It was really good.</i>

600
00:32:26,028 --> 00:32:27,696
<i>Fred, what did you
think of the movie?</i>

601
00:32:28,155 --> 00:32:29,740
FRED: <i>I was very moved.</i>

602
00:32:29,824 --> 00:32:34,286
<i>I think a lot of us were moved
last night. CCC AM 1290, FM 107.</i>

603
00:32:59,270 --> 00:33:01,331
HOWARD: It's the fifth largest
market in the United States,

604
00:33:01,355 --> 00:33:04,066
and they want me to start
tomorrow, which is a good sign, I think.

605
00:33:04,150 --> 00:33:07,862
That means they're, you know, they're
really desperate for me, which I like.

606
00:33:08,612 --> 00:33:11,740
And they say they're gonna move
the building to the best part of the city.

607
00:33:12,449 --> 00:33:15,202
Which I think is good, too. You
know, pump money into the facility.

608
00:33:15,411 --> 00:33:17,011
And the station manager
says we're gonna

609
00:33:17,037 --> 00:33:19,290
be the most aggressive
radio station in Detroit.

610
00:33:19,456 --> 00:33:22,042
We are gonna dominate
the marketplace, which I lo...

611
00:33:27,506 --> 00:33:29,216
Are these yours?

612
00:33:32,386 --> 00:33:33,888
They're wet.

613
00:33:41,145 --> 00:33:43,272
HOWARD: <i>Alison's
not coming to Detroit.</i>

614
00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:45,774
I should've just come home

615
00:33:45,858 --> 00:33:47,898
and told my wife everything,
and admitted the truth,

616
00:33:47,943 --> 00:33:49,754
because now my wife
doesn't even trust me anymore,

617
00:33:49,778 --> 00:33:51,947
and I don't blame her,
because I don't trust me either.

618
00:33:52,072 --> 00:33:54,450
I'm a stupid idiot.
I'm so stupid!

619
00:33:56,076 --> 00:33:57,203
What am I gonna do?

620
00:33:57,786 --> 00:33:59,163
I don't know.

621
00:34:01,332 --> 00:34:04,627
I can always count on you for
help, man. Thanks. I appreciate it.

622
00:34:10,716 --> 00:34:13,396
Listen, man, as soon as I get to
Detroit and things start happening,

623
00:34:13,469 --> 00:34:15,349
I'm gonna get these
guys to hire you, all right?

624
00:34:16,180 --> 00:34:17,431
Okay.

625
00:34:17,640 --> 00:34:21,602
Fred, I'm serious, I'm
not gonna forget you. Bye!

626
00:34:28,984 --> 00:34:31,487
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

627
00:34:38,619 --> 00:34:40,746
- Howard! How you doing, man?
- How you doing, Marvin?

628
00:34:40,829 --> 00:34:42,469
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you, too.

629
00:34:42,539 --> 00:34:45,376
Hey. Patricia Fonfara, meet
Howard Stern. The news lady.

630
00:34:45,501 --> 00:34:47,962
Hi. Really looking forward
to working with you.

631
00:34:48,045 --> 00:34:49,672
The Duke of Rock's
just finishing up,

632
00:34:49,755 --> 00:34:51,355
then we're gonna
get right inside, so...

633
00:34:51,548 --> 00:34:53,467
Hey, Marvin, what
happened to the new building?

634
00:34:53,550 --> 00:34:55,237
I told you. We're gonna
build a new building.

635
00:34:55,261 --> 00:34:56,971
First we gotta build
an audience, heh.

636
00:35:01,016 --> 00:35:04,770
The Duke of Rock's getting ready to
walk, but I want you to stick around,

637
00:35:04,853 --> 00:35:07,523
because we got a
brand-new morning man.

638
00:35:08,190 --> 00:35:10,442
He looks like Big Bird to me.

639
00:35:10,901 --> 00:35:15,197
Coming next on W4106 FM...

640
00:35:16,115 --> 00:35:19,201
What's happening, man?
Come on in, Big Bird.

641
00:35:19,285 --> 00:35:21,829
How you doing, man? Good
to see you. How's things?

642
00:35:21,912 --> 00:35:24,123
What's that? You gonna do what?

643
00:35:24,415 --> 00:35:26,208
Is that right? Well,
how about that, kiddies?

644
00:35:26,292 --> 00:35:28,168
He's gonna have Kermit
the Frog come in here

645
00:35:28,252 --> 00:35:30,105
and sing the Alphabet
Song. Isn't that something?

646
00:35:30,129 --> 00:35:33,674
Coming up next on the Big Bird Show.
I gotta go. See you midnight tonight.

647
00:35:33,757 --> 00:35:37,761
This is the Duke of Rock saying, "If
you can't be good, be bad, baby!" Bye.

648
00:35:39,513 --> 00:35:42,349
Hi, how you doing? Howard Stern.

649
00:35:42,433 --> 00:35:44,369
Nice to see you. Listened
to your show last night.

650
00:35:44,393 --> 00:35:46,770
It was great. Looking
forward to working with you.

651
00:35:47,604 --> 00:35:50,983
- Don't hurt yourself, man.
- Okay, thanks. Thank you.

652
00:35:51,066 --> 00:35:52,067
(DOOR CLOSES)

653
00:35:52,484 --> 00:35:54,778
Thank you. What
am I thanking him for?

654
00:35:54,862 --> 00:35:57,614
HOWARD: <i>So let's
review. My life sucked.</i>

655
00:35:57,698 --> 00:36:00,701
<i>Alison dumped me. I didn't know
if she'd ever come back to me.</i>

656
00:36:00,784 --> 00:36:02,828
<i>And now this dickwad
is calling me Big Bird.</i>

657
00:36:02,953 --> 00:36:05,372
106 FM. WWWW...

658
00:36:05,456 --> 00:36:07,374
<i>I don't know. Something
in me just snapped.</i>

659
00:36:07,458 --> 00:36:10,961
My name is Howard Stern, and
welcome to the new morning show.

660
00:36:11,170 --> 00:36:14,423
We have a new feature for you,
this is, uh, something special.

661
00:36:14,631 --> 00:36:18,135
We have a traffic 'copter
now here at WWWW.

662
00:36:18,260 --> 00:36:21,055
Let's go to Mama Looka
Booboo Day in the traffic 'copter.

663
00:36:21,138 --> 00:36:25,267
Mama, you there?
Hello? Mama? Uh. Hello?

664
00:36:25,351 --> 00:36:26,619
(HELICOPTER FLYING SOUND EFFECT)

665
00:36:26,643 --> 00:36:29,188
(DOING MAMA'S VOICE) Yes,
hello, this is Mama Looka Booboo Day,

666
00:36:29,271 --> 00:36:33,150
the only black traffic
reporter in the Detroit area,

667
00:36:33,233 --> 00:36:34,860
I'm proud to say.

668
00:36:35,069 --> 00:36:37,613
Pleasure to make your
acquaintance this morning, Mama.

669
00:36:37,988 --> 00:36:40,157
Tell me, uh, what's
going on in the traffic?

670
00:36:40,282 --> 00:36:42,576
First, a political
statement, if I may?

671
00:36:45,662 --> 00:36:47,748
"Kill, Kill, Kill

672
00:36:48,665 --> 00:36:52,544
the White Man," by Eugene
Mama Looka Booboo Day.

673
00:36:52,628 --> 00:36:53,670
Eugene is my pen name

674
00:36:53,754 --> 00:36:55,547
because I wrote this
while I was in the pen.

675
00:36:55,631 --> 00:36:56,632
Okay, here we go.

676
00:37:02,304 --> 00:37:05,474
"Kill, kill, kill
the white man."

677
00:37:09,812 --> 00:37:12,773
Kill him until he is dead.

678
00:37:14,483 --> 00:37:16,402
"Kill the white man."

679
00:37:19,113 --> 00:37:20,114
Thank you.

680
00:37:20,989 --> 00:37:23,409
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

681
00:37:27,413 --> 00:37:31,583
Can I speak to Alison Stern,
please? This is her husband, Howard.

682
00:37:32,709 --> 00:37:34,169
It's Howard.

683
00:37:37,256 --> 00:37:38,549
Hello?

684
00:37:40,217 --> 00:37:41,427
Shit.

685
00:38:03,157 --> 00:38:05,033
(SIREN)

686
00:38:05,117 --> 00:38:08,996
You talk too much!
And very important,

687
00:38:09,413 --> 00:38:12,040
I want the time and temperature
four times every 15 minutes.

688
00:38:12,124 --> 00:38:14,001
Not three, Four!

689
00:38:14,835 --> 00:38:16,962
My grandmother died last night.

690
00:38:17,588 --> 00:38:19,882
I spent all night with
her in the hospital.

691
00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:23,844
She... She had a car accident.

692
00:38:25,721 --> 00:38:30,058
By the way, uh, 6:45,
temperature is 58 degrees.

693
00:38:31,143 --> 00:38:33,353
Anyway, her head went
through the windshield...

694
00:38:33,437 --> 00:38:35,117
You know, it's funny,
but her last words...

695
00:38:41,278 --> 00:38:43,447
I want you back, I love you...

696
00:38:43,572 --> 00:38:45,407
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)

697
00:38:52,706 --> 00:38:55,792
HOWARD: <i>I had, like, no listeners,
and the couple of listeners I did have</i>

698
00:38:55,876 --> 00:38:58,962
<i>would call in and tell me how
bad I sucked on a regular basis.</i>

699
00:38:59,379 --> 00:39:02,099
<i>Although, I did manage to convince
one of them to be my weather lady.</i>

700
00:39:02,216 --> 00:39:04,885
Irene, the weather girl.
Irene, are you there?

701
00:39:04,968 --> 00:39:07,304
It's cold. Real cold.

702
00:39:07,387 --> 00:39:11,600
But your ass is gonna be plenty hot
when I give you a good hard butt-whipping.

703
00:39:11,725 --> 00:39:12,935
Tongue.

704
00:39:13,060 --> 00:39:14,895
What do you think about that?

705
00:39:14,978 --> 00:39:16,664
Turns you on, doesn't
it, you little maggot?

706
00:39:16,688 --> 00:39:17,773
Yeah.

707
00:39:17,856 --> 00:39:19,775
Irene, thank you for
the weather forecast.

708
00:39:19,858 --> 00:39:20,901
<i>Shut up.</i>

709
00:39:20,984 --> 00:39:22,962
We hope to hear from you
tomorrow. Give us some more weather.

710
00:39:22,986 --> 00:39:24,446
<i>Bite me, you loser!</i>

711
00:39:34,164 --> 00:39:35,791
You shaved your mustache.

712
00:39:38,335 --> 00:39:39,545
Jesus, Alison!

713
00:39:41,755 --> 00:39:44,800
It's great to see you.
Al, I miss you so much.

714
00:39:44,925 --> 00:39:46,593
I'm feeling so
miserable since you left.

715
00:39:46,677 --> 00:39:48,804
I'm just so uncomfortable
in this Detroit... I'm...

716
00:39:48,929 --> 00:39:53,183
Howard, I'm willing to believe
you didn't sleep with that girl, okay?

717
00:39:53,267 --> 00:39:56,728
I understand you're a somewhat abnormal
person with a somewhat abnormal job.

718
00:39:56,812 --> 00:39:58,021
That I can accept.

719
00:39:58,146 --> 00:39:59,746
I deal with abnormality
every single day.

720
00:39:59,773 --> 00:40:01,775
I don't need everything
in my life to be normal.

721
00:40:01,900 --> 00:40:04,111
And on the air, you do
what you do, that's your job.

722
00:40:04,194 --> 00:40:06,863
But off the air, for me
to be in this marriage,

723
00:40:08,657 --> 00:40:10,742
I need to know I'm the only one.

724
00:40:10,826 --> 00:40:12,536
And I am not saying
that to pressure you.

725
00:40:12,619 --> 00:40:15,539
I'm saying it because it's just
something I know about myself.

726
00:40:16,373 --> 00:40:18,709
So, if you need more
time or whatever...

727
00:40:18,792 --> 00:40:20,419
I don't need any more time.

728
00:40:21,211 --> 00:40:24,673
I'm just so madly in
love with you. I don't...

729
00:40:25,382 --> 00:40:28,194
I don't need anyone else in my life. I
never wanted anyone else in my life.

730
00:40:28,218 --> 00:40:29,886
All I want is you.

731
00:40:30,345 --> 00:40:32,306
I just want you to forgive me.

732
00:40:37,644 --> 00:40:39,438
Thanks for coming back.

733
00:40:39,813 --> 00:40:40,814
Wow.

734
00:40:45,235 --> 00:40:47,112
Come on, you guys.
Right up here looks perfect.

735
00:40:47,195 --> 00:40:48,298
HOWARD: <i>isn't Alison amazing?</i>

736
00:40:48,322 --> 00:40:49,948
<i>She's in town, like, two minutes</i>

737
00:40:50,032 --> 00:40:52,784
<i>and already she's got a job
working with a bunch of wackos.</i>

738
00:40:54,119 --> 00:40:56,538
<i>Excuse me.
"Mentally challenged."</i>

739
00:40:56,705 --> 00:40:58,290
Nice day, huh?

740
00:40:59,374 --> 00:41:00,792
What can I do to help here?

741
00:41:00,876 --> 00:41:04,212
- Well, I'm gonna set up lunch...
- Okay.

742
00:41:04,296 --> 00:41:06,214
And you can play
Frisbee with the guys.

743
00:41:07,549 --> 00:41:09,509
Start again. Here we go.

744
00:41:09,593 --> 00:41:10,594
Oh.

745
00:41:10,802 --> 00:41:12,095
I'm so sorry.

746
00:41:12,179 --> 00:41:15,515
Listen. What you gotta do is
you gotta put this hand up, okay?

747
00:41:15,682 --> 00:41:17,601
You gotta try and
catch it, okay?

748
00:41:17,684 --> 00:41:20,395
Here we go. Ready?

749
00:41:23,398 --> 00:41:24,983
I'm so sorry.

750
00:41:26,193 --> 00:41:27,444
You know what we're gonna do?

751
00:41:28,737 --> 00:41:30,447
Just tell me that
you're ready. Ready?

752
00:41:30,530 --> 00:41:31,948
(STAMMERS) Yes.

753
00:41:33,742 --> 00:41:36,453
- Howard! Howard!
- Marvin.

754
00:41:37,162 --> 00:41:40,957
I was hoping I'd find you here. I
have some very exciting news...

755
00:41:41,166 --> 00:41:42,793
- Oh. Are you all right?
- Yes.

756
00:41:43,001 --> 00:41:44,169
- Yeah.
- That was good.

757
00:41:44,252 --> 00:41:46,463
Just wait till
somebody looks, okay?

758
00:41:47,214 --> 00:41:51,635
Hoo. Uh... We decided that
Detroit has too many rock stations,

759
00:41:51,718 --> 00:41:54,096
so starting tomorrow
we're starting a new format,

760
00:41:54,179 --> 00:41:55,972
and it'll give us
a real great edge.

761
00:41:58,433 --> 00:41:59,768
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

762
00:42:00,310 --> 00:42:01,978
(SINGER YODELING)

763
00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:13,699
Howdy, cowpokes.

764
00:42:13,907 --> 00:42:15,760
Uh, I know I shouldn't be
interrupting in the middle of a song,

765
00:42:15,784 --> 00:42:16,785
but I gotta tell you,

766
00:42:16,993 --> 00:42:21,498
I know a lot of you love this music,
but I don't get it. Explain it to me.

767
00:42:22,040 --> 00:42:24,918
Maybe it's 'cause I went to
college, and I never drove a truck,

768
00:42:25,127 --> 00:42:27,713
or had sex with my
daddy's sister, but...

769
00:42:28,672 --> 00:42:32,342
I guess what I'm saying is, I, I
don't think I'm the man for this job.

770
00:42:33,218 --> 00:42:36,179
So this is your old pal,
Hopalong Howie, saying I quit.

771
00:42:36,263 --> 00:42:37,514
I... I think I quit.

772
00:42:37,681 --> 00:42:39,307
(YODELING CONTINUES)

773
00:42:54,614 --> 00:42:55,949
What?

774
00:42:56,450 --> 00:42:57,743
Nothing.

775
00:43:00,746 --> 00:43:01,747
(DOOR CLOSES)

776
00:43:08,670 --> 00:43:11,631
- What is it?
- I feel like such a loser.

777
00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:14,551
It's not your fault, it
was a lame station.

778
00:43:14,634 --> 00:43:17,137
Yeah, it was my fault. You
can't blame a radio station.

779
00:43:17,220 --> 00:43:19,139
- It's my screw-up.
- In what way?

780
00:43:19,222 --> 00:43:21,767
In the way that I gotta figure
out what I'm going to be.

781
00:43:21,850 --> 00:43:23,578
I mean, I don't want to be
one of these disc jockeys

782
00:43:23,602 --> 00:43:26,313
that runs around the country
looking for work all the time.

783
00:43:26,855 --> 00:43:29,107
I don't want to end
up like that. It's so sad.

784
00:43:29,357 --> 00:43:31,526
It's so apparent to me
now what I should be doing.

785
00:43:31,651 --> 00:43:34,821
I should be talking about my
personal life. I've got to get intimate.

786
00:43:35,697 --> 00:43:37,866
And every time I feel like
I shouldn't say something,

787
00:43:37,949 --> 00:43:39,951
maybe I should
say it, just blurt it out.

788
00:43:41,036 --> 00:43:44,790
I just gotta let things
fly. I gotta go all the way.

789
00:43:45,540 --> 00:43:48,376
- You didn't go all the way before?
- No. I mean...

790
00:43:49,002 --> 00:43:51,004
No. A lot of times,
I'm just holding back.

791
00:43:54,633 --> 00:43:56,885
Then I guess you
should go all the way.

792
00:43:59,137 --> 00:44:00,597
Hold the sign nice and low.

793
00:44:00,680 --> 00:44:03,767
Big smiles, look sexy... This is
about Howard coming to Washington.

794
00:44:03,850 --> 00:44:05,018
What's going on here?

795
00:44:05,143 --> 00:44:07,479
- Um, we're shooting a movie.
- Hey, you got a permit?

796
00:44:07,896 --> 00:44:11,858
No, we don't, but it's one line, we'll be
done in a second and out of your way.

797
00:44:11,942 --> 00:44:14,945
You can't be here. You're blocking
the median. You'll have to move.

798
00:44:15,028 --> 00:44:17,113
Um, this is for the
Howard Stern movie.

799
00:44:17,489 --> 00:44:20,700
- Yeah, right. It's his movie.
- You said Howard Stern? Is he here?

800
00:44:20,784 --> 00:44:25,080
- No, he's not in this scene today.
- Grab your coat.

801
00:44:25,163 --> 00:44:27,207
Tsk, give us a break.
It'll take a second.

802
00:44:27,290 --> 00:44:30,126
Just look at the camera and say,
"Howard comes to Washington."

803
00:44:30,502 --> 00:44:32,302
- Howard comes to Washington.
- Hey, let's go!

804
00:44:32,337 --> 00:44:34,589
- Come on!
- Howard's a big fan of the cops.

805
00:44:34,673 --> 00:44:37,384
He loves you guys. We
could've been done by now.

806
00:44:38,426 --> 00:44:41,596
<i>I was hired by an FM
rock station, DC 101,</i>

807
00:44:41,680 --> 00:44:44,140
<i>and that's when I met
the other woman in my life.</i>

808
00:44:44,307 --> 00:44:45,392
Howard?

809
00:44:46,017 --> 00:44:48,562
Hi. I'm Robin Quivers,
your newswoman.

810
00:44:49,688 --> 00:44:52,458
Oh, oh, I'm really looking forward to
working with you. Great to meet you.

811
00:44:52,482 --> 00:44:54,442
- Same here.
- This'll be great.

812
00:44:54,526 --> 00:44:57,445
Okay, I'll just go over
here and work on my script.

813
00:44:58,780 --> 00:45:00,323
I'm almost set.

814
00:45:00,824 --> 00:45:03,493
(CLEARING THROAT)

815
00:45:04,327 --> 00:45:06,621
(SNORTS AND SNIFFS)

816
00:45:06,705 --> 00:45:07,706
(CLEARS THROAT)

817
00:45:08,081 --> 00:45:11,793
DC 101, good morning. This is
Howard Stern. Welcome to the show.

818
00:45:12,252 --> 00:45:16,631
I have a confession to make.
I did not get, uh, laid last night.

819
00:45:16,715 --> 00:45:18,795
In fact, I haven't gotten
laid in a really long time.

820
00:45:21,136 --> 00:45:24,306
Give me a call at DC 101 if
you're having the same problem.

821
00:45:24,389 --> 00:45:27,017
Having trouble with your
woman? I'll help you out.

822
00:45:27,100 --> 00:45:29,227
Let me introduce to my right,

823
00:45:29,311 --> 00:45:31,438
my beautiful new
newswoman, Robin Quivers,

824
00:45:31,521 --> 00:45:35,609
who looks so beautiful I'm sure she
has none of these sexual problems.

825
00:45:35,984 --> 00:45:40,030
But I must tell you
my life is very odd.

826
00:45:40,113 --> 00:45:41,781
I get hornier and hornier.

827
00:45:41,865 --> 00:45:44,326
My wife comes home
from work, goes to sleep,

828
00:45:44,409 --> 00:45:46,745
the whole week goes
by, she never gets horny.

829
00:45:46,828 --> 00:45:50,582
Robin, as a woman, what
is it? Do women get horny?

830
00:45:57,047 --> 00:45:58,673
Sometimes.

831
00:45:59,257 --> 00:46:02,802
- Why's he talking to his newsperson?
- I'll have him stop.

832
00:46:03,011 --> 00:46:04,512
What about you specifically?

833
00:46:04,596 --> 00:46:07,766
When is the last time
that you were with a man...

834
00:46:08,767 --> 00:46:10,101
sexually?

835
00:46:11,519 --> 00:46:12,771
About a year.

836
00:46:13,813 --> 00:46:16,066
- You're serious? A year?
- Yeah.

837
00:46:16,274 --> 00:46:18,777
A year, ladies and gentlemen.
Someone more pathetic than me.

838
00:46:18,860 --> 00:46:21,420
This is good. We're getting
somewhere. This is a good discussion.

839
00:46:22,280 --> 00:46:25,867
Uh, you know, I bought a
book, <i>How to Score with Babes.</i>

840
00:46:26,076 --> 00:46:28,244
Listen to what it says, I
think it's rather revealing.

841
00:46:28,328 --> 00:46:30,705
"When attempting
to score with a babe,

842
00:46:30,789 --> 00:46:32,666
make sure to wear tight pants.

843
00:46:32,874 --> 00:46:37,003
If necessary, stuff a semi-rigid
large object into your pants,

844
00:46:37,087 --> 00:46:39,673
to create the appearance
of having a large penis.

845
00:46:39,798 --> 00:46:42,509
Women like large penis."
Don't give me that look.

846
00:46:42,592 --> 00:46:43,843
Did he say "penis"?

847
00:46:43,927 --> 00:46:47,681
I know about this stuff. I have
no bulge. I have a small penis.

848
00:46:47,764 --> 00:46:51,685
- I've never told anyone this before.
- I don't think you should start now.

849
00:46:51,768 --> 00:46:54,104
Well, I've done it. Now
the cat's out of the bag.

850
00:46:54,187 --> 00:46:55,313
But it's a good book.

851
00:46:55,480 --> 00:46:59,317
The author has slept with over
16,000 women, and, uh, take it from him,

852
00:46:59,401 --> 00:47:01,820
he says, "Wear tight pants."

853
00:47:02,028 --> 00:47:06,825
If he's slept with 16,000 women, he
wouldn't have time to put on pants.

854
00:47:07,867 --> 00:47:09,995
That is true, too. I
didn't consider that.

855
00:47:10,078 --> 00:47:12,598
Why don't you give me a call at
DC 101 if you want to talk about this.

856
00:47:12,622 --> 00:47:14,624
We'll be back right
after these words.

857
00:47:17,544 --> 00:47:20,130
You're a genius. That was great.

858
00:47:20,213 --> 00:47:23,383
- That was interesting.
- Didn't that feel good? That was great.

859
00:47:23,842 --> 00:47:25,719
You say whatever you want.

860
00:47:26,302 --> 00:47:28,430
You have carte blanche.

861
00:47:28,638 --> 00:47:32,100
You and Robin must not
talk to each other on the air.

862
00:47:32,183 --> 00:47:34,477
Don't sing along with the music.

863
00:47:34,561 --> 00:47:35,705
You know what else you could do?

864
00:47:35,729 --> 00:47:37,373
I'd like you to memorize the
names of the local schools.

865
00:47:37,397 --> 00:47:41,026
And don't criticize Washington,
it's not good for ratings.

866
00:47:41,359 --> 00:47:44,738
Now, if you'll excuse us, we'd like
to talk to Robin alone for a second.

867
00:47:44,821 --> 00:47:45,822
Wait. I wanted...

868
00:47:45,905 --> 00:47:47,133
You know what I
want you to do for me,

869
00:47:47,157 --> 00:47:48,877
is to make up a grid
of all your comedy bits

870
00:47:48,950 --> 00:47:50,011
and the corresponding
days of the week,

871
00:47:50,035 --> 00:47:52,996
so that I'll know on which
day you'll be doing which bit.

872
00:47:53,079 --> 00:47:54,849
I told you I work
spontaneously... I think that I...

873
00:47:54,873 --> 00:47:55,874
We'll talk about it.

874
00:48:02,130 --> 00:48:05,967
Robin, don't encourage him.
He's better when he's toned down.

875
00:48:07,010 --> 00:48:09,637
We need you to be a friend here.

876
00:48:10,764 --> 00:48:13,516
- I'll see what I can do.
- Great.

877
00:48:14,434 --> 00:48:16,770
- I appreciate it, Robin.
- Okay. Thanks.

878
00:48:19,439 --> 00:48:21,066
I think we should separate them.

879
00:48:21,274 --> 00:48:25,236
Orioles over the Red Sox 3-2,
extending their winning streak to seven.

880
00:48:25,445 --> 00:48:27,655
And finally, today
is Memorial Day.

881
00:48:27,864 --> 00:48:31,284
Sunny skies and warm temperatures
for veterans marching in parades

882
00:48:31,409 --> 00:48:32,911
across the metropolitan area.

883
00:48:33,119 --> 00:48:36,039
Highs today in the
70s. It's 58 degrees...

884
00:48:36,206 --> 00:48:39,626
You know, Robin, let me interrupt.
I'm glad you brought up Memorial Day.

885
00:48:39,834 --> 00:48:42,378
I was in Vietnam. I'd
like to talk to you about it.

886
00:48:43,379 --> 00:48:48,093
I had 11 kills in Vietnam,
and I should've had more.

887
00:48:48,510 --> 00:48:51,614
Officially, I should've had more kills.
Let me tell you what I'm talking about.

888
00:48:51,638 --> 00:48:54,057
I was in a gook village, and
I come upon a schoolhouse.

889
00:48:54,140 --> 00:48:57,977
So I grab one of my grenades off my
belt and I throw it into the schoolhouse.

890
00:48:58,728 --> 00:49:02,315
I blow up the whole damn thing.
So I'm counting all the bodies...

891
00:49:02,398 --> 00:49:04,567
You threw a grenade
into a school?

892
00:49:05,193 --> 00:49:06,545
That's exactly
what I'm telling you.

893
00:49:06,569 --> 00:49:10,824
I must've killed 200 kids.
My dickhead lieutenant says,

894
00:49:11,032 --> 00:49:13,993
"Stern, those are little kids.
That counts as one person."

895
00:49:14,077 --> 00:49:18,540
Howard, I was in the military, I was a
captain in the air force. What were you?

896
00:49:19,207 --> 00:49:21,584
- What was I?
- Yeah, what were you?

897
00:49:21,668 --> 00:49:23,628
- What were you again?
- I was a captain.

898
00:49:23,711 --> 00:49:26,840
- That's what I was, a captain!
- And what were you in?

899
00:49:27,924 --> 00:49:30,468
- I was in Vietnam!
- Ugh. Army? Navy?

900
00:49:30,552 --> 00:49:32,554
- In the army.
- Did you have a division?

901
00:49:33,471 --> 00:49:36,558
- 103rd.
- 103rd what?

902
00:49:36,641 --> 00:49:41,229
I was in the 103rd... I don't know
what I was in, Robin. I was in the 103rd.

903
00:49:41,312 --> 00:49:45,483
The point of this is that I
think a kill is a kill is a kill,

904
00:49:45,567 --> 00:49:47,902
and killing a kid should
be just as good as an adult.

905
00:49:47,986 --> 00:49:52,574
I suppose even if you're killing
children, they should count them.

906
00:49:52,657 --> 00:49:55,535
I got some music
for you now. DC 101.

907
00:49:55,618 --> 00:49:56,619
(ROBIN CHUCKLES)

908
00:49:56,786 --> 00:49:57,787
Ha-ha!

909
00:49:59,205 --> 00:50:01,183
You're not even old enough
to have been in Vietnam.

910
00:50:01,207 --> 00:50:02,959
- Duh.
- (ROBIN CHUCKLES)

911
00:50:03,960 --> 00:50:08,047
I couldn't sit and not say something.
I knew they told me not to talk.

912
00:50:08,256 --> 00:50:11,009
I knew I'd get
into trouble if I did,

913
00:50:11,426 --> 00:50:17,056
but he was onto something, and I
knew there was something going on there.

914
00:50:17,891 --> 00:50:19,767
And I just went for it.

915
00:50:22,061 --> 00:50:27,650
This just came from the FCC.
Did you say "testicles" on the air?

916
00:50:27,859 --> 00:50:30,069
Screw the FCC, we
just lost Muffler Man.

917
00:50:30,153 --> 00:50:31,213
Hold on. We have
a real problem here.

918
00:50:31,237 --> 00:50:34,908
- I'm just trying to get ratings.
- I'm just trying to run a radio station!

919
00:50:34,991 --> 00:50:38,494
I understand that, and sponsors
are there once you get the ratings.

920
00:50:38,578 --> 00:50:39,621
It's a very big problem.

921
00:50:39,704 --> 00:50:43,541
- They'll be lining up, ten in a row.
- Listen to me, you stupid asshole.

922
00:50:43,625 --> 00:50:46,961
Radio is a business, and
you've cost us $40,000.

923
00:50:48,004 --> 00:50:50,131
If I do a lame show,
it's never gonna take off.

924
00:50:50,215 --> 00:50:52,133
I'm calm. I am perfectly calm.

925
00:50:52,592 --> 00:50:55,011
DC Carpet canceled
because of him.

926
00:50:55,845 --> 00:50:58,932
- He's gotta go.
- Can we sit down and talk?

927
00:50:59,015 --> 00:51:02,560
I just want to say one thing. I
think the show's startin' to take off.

928
00:51:02,644 --> 00:51:04,163
There's a buzz on
the street about it,

929
00:51:04,187 --> 00:51:06,231
and if we give it a
chance, take some time,

930
00:51:06,314 --> 00:51:08,233
everything will be okay.

931
00:51:08,691 --> 00:51:10,235
Don't push your luck, Howard.

932
00:51:11,110 --> 00:51:14,656
ROBIN LEACH: <i>The countdown to our Live-
Life-Like-A-Millionaire Sweepstakes...</i>

933
00:51:16,241 --> 00:51:18,701
- Hey.
- Hey, honey.

934
00:51:18,785 --> 00:51:21,537
Robin Leach says we
should move to Antigua.

935
00:51:21,621 --> 00:51:22,622
Oh, yeah?

936
00:51:22,705 --> 00:51:25,667
Come on, hurry up.
Snap to it, I'm ovulating.

937
00:51:26,751 --> 00:51:29,420
I'm in the middle of
important show research.

938
00:51:29,504 --> 00:51:32,340
Howard. Seriously, come on.

939
00:51:32,423 --> 00:51:34,217
You know what?
You're getting baby fever.

940
00:51:34,425 --> 00:51:35,718
Maybe it's premature,

941
00:51:35,802 --> 00:51:38,113
I'm about three days away
from getting fired, the way I figure.

942
00:51:38,137 --> 00:51:40,932
And you gotta think about
the economics of this.

943
00:51:41,140 --> 00:51:42,660
You're the best morning
man in the history of radio,

944
00:51:42,684 --> 00:51:44,018
any minute you'll be number one.

945
00:51:44,143 --> 00:51:45,270
- Is that so?
- Yeah, strip!

946
00:51:45,353 --> 00:51:48,815
Look at yourself. You're on fire about
having a baby, you don't understand,

947
00:51:49,023 --> 00:51:52,193
I'm not a piece of meat.
I have to be romanced.

948
00:51:52,277 --> 00:51:54,195
Oh, yeah? Please!

949
00:51:54,862 --> 00:51:57,282
Ooh. Look at that bra.
Where did you get that?

950
00:51:57,365 --> 00:51:58,366
You like this?

951
00:51:58,449 --> 00:52:01,619
Okay, that's it! I
am making a baby!

952
00:52:01,703 --> 00:52:05,665
It's baby time! I'm ready
to give you a baby. Hold on.

953
00:52:08,835 --> 00:52:13,214
Now I'm hot. Now I actually want
to have sex. I didn't before, now I do.

954
00:52:13,298 --> 00:52:15,025
ANNOUNCER ON TV: <i>Lifestyles
of the Rich and Famous...</i>

955
00:52:15,049 --> 00:52:16,843
Robin, watch this.

956
00:52:22,223 --> 00:52:23,224
What am I doing?

957
00:52:23,599 --> 00:52:25,268
Uh, having a seizure?

958
00:52:26,102 --> 00:52:27,395
No, that's not a seizure.

959
00:52:27,478 --> 00:52:29,915
That's me dancing because I'm
happy 'cause I got laid last night.

960
00:52:29,939 --> 00:52:30,940
Oh!

961
00:52:31,024 --> 00:52:35,194
Yeah, I really did. Fact, it was not for
lust it was 'cause I was making a kid.

962
00:52:35,278 --> 00:52:36,279
Oh.

963
00:52:36,362 --> 00:52:38,990
Fact, my wife's
eggs are very old,

964
00:52:39,073 --> 00:52:43,036
but my sperm is super sperm, so I'm
sure everything was delivered in one shot.

965
00:52:43,244 --> 00:52:47,373
- Oh, yeah. Your sperm are fine.
- My sperm are fantastic! I'm fantastic.

966
00:52:47,457 --> 00:52:50,376
I'm in a good mood, let's take some
phone calls and see what's doing.

967
00:52:50,460 --> 00:52:52,754
- Okay.
- Hi, you're on the air.

968
00:52:53,171 --> 00:52:55,506
- WOMAN: <i>Hi, is this Howard Stern?</i>
- This is Howard.

969
00:52:55,590 --> 00:52:58,230
<i>Oh, whoa. Anyway, I was calling
'cause I have a really big problem.</i>

970
00:52:58,301 --> 00:52:59,302
What's your problem?

971
00:52:59,385 --> 00:53:02,597
<i>Well, every morning, I lie in bed and
the only thing I can do is think of you.</i>

972
00:53:02,680 --> 00:53:05,516
Oh, really? Well, let's see if we
can help you with your problem.

973
00:53:05,600 --> 00:53:06,601
What do you look like?

974
00:53:06,768 --> 00:53:10,313
Well, I've got blonde
hair, I've got blue eyes,

975
00:53:10,396 --> 00:53:13,733
<i>and my measurements
are about 38-24-34.</i>

976
00:53:13,858 --> 00:53:16,736
Some people tell me I look
a lot like Farrah Fawcett.

977
00:53:17,278 --> 00:53:19,280
I can help you. Robin,
I can help this girl.

978
00:53:19,364 --> 00:53:21,050
You know, we have the
most beautiful audience.

979
00:53:21,074 --> 00:53:23,743
We certainly do. We're
very fortunate that way.

980
00:53:23,951 --> 00:53:27,372
To solve your problem, I'm gonna
have sex with you over the radio.

981
00:53:27,914 --> 00:53:32,126
- WOMAN: <i>How are we gonna do that?</i>
- It's simple. I've thought this through.

982
00:53:32,210 --> 00:53:36,589
First, are you listening to us on a
transistor radio or a big sound system?

983
00:53:36,798 --> 00:53:38,716
WOMAN: <i>I have one of
those big sound system.</i>

984
00:53:38,800 --> 00:53:41,386
Good. Okay. Turn
the treble down,

985
00:53:41,469 --> 00:53:43,388
and put the bass all the way up.

986
00:53:44,305 --> 00:53:46,933
The treble's down and
the bass is up. Got it.

987
00:53:47,016 --> 00:53:48,619
HOWARD: <i>Take your
speaker. You got a big speaker?</i>

988
00:53:48,643 --> 00:53:49,644
<i>Yes, I do.</i>

989
00:53:49,727 --> 00:53:54,023
All right. Lay it flat on the floor
and sort of straddle the speaker.

990
00:53:54,107 --> 00:53:55,691
- Howard!
- WOMAN: <i>Do what?</i>

991
00:53:55,775 --> 00:53:58,945
A woman cannot be
aroused in that way.

992
00:53:59,028 --> 00:54:01,382
HOWARD: <i>This is where you're
wrong, Robin. You're absolutely wrong.</i>

993
00:54:01,406 --> 00:54:05,243
<i>In fact, my father was a radio engineer
and he proved this theory years ago.</i>

994
00:54:05,326 --> 00:54:07,036
<i>You've got to believe.</i>

995
00:54:07,161 --> 00:54:10,373
Now, what I need you to do is, put
your private area over the woofer.

996
00:54:10,456 --> 00:54:11,558
WOMAN: <i>I can't believe
you're making me do this.</i>

997
00:54:11,582 --> 00:54:12,583
HOWARD: <i>Come on, do it.</i>

998
00:54:12,667 --> 00:54:14,627
Right up against it
so you can feel me.

999
00:54:19,507 --> 00:54:20,967
- I'm on.
- HOWARD: Good.

1000
00:54:21,175 --> 00:54:22,903
- ROBIN: I have to ask her a question.
- Yeah.

1001
00:54:22,927 --> 00:54:26,472
What kind of a woman are you
to have sex this way on the radio?

1002
00:54:26,681 --> 00:54:28,450
Don't answer that question.
Bad question, Robin.

1003
00:54:28,474 --> 00:54:30,194
- (GIGGLES)
- You'll ruin this woman's mood.

1004
00:54:30,268 --> 00:54:31,769
She might start second-guessing.

1005
00:54:31,853 --> 00:54:34,939
- Are you ready to have sex?
- WOMAN: (GIGGLING) <i>Oh, my God.</i>

1006
00:54:35,064 --> 00:54:36,691
(HUMMING)

1007
00:54:38,860 --> 00:54:39,861
Ooh!

1008
00:54:41,446 --> 00:54:42,447
(HUMS)

1009
00:54:42,780 --> 00:54:43,781
Oohh!

1010
00:54:44,740 --> 00:54:46,284
Ooh. It kind of tingles.

1011
00:54:46,826 --> 00:54:48,786
See? It tingles. She likes it.

1012
00:54:48,870 --> 00:54:50,788
- See?
- Yeah, sure!

1013
00:54:50,955 --> 00:54:51,956
(HUMS)

1014
00:54:53,875 --> 00:54:55,877
Ohh! Oh...

1015
00:54:56,627 --> 00:54:57,628
(HOWARD HUMMING)

1016
00:54:59,005 --> 00:55:00,423
She's full of it.

1017
00:55:00,715 --> 00:55:02,633
- (WOMAN MOANS)
- (HOWARD HUMS)

1018
00:55:03,092 --> 00:55:08,264
Aahh! Ohh! Oh, God! Oh!

1019
00:55:08,347 --> 00:55:11,267
- Listen to her, Robin, she's going wild.
- You got me moaning.

1020
00:55:11,726 --> 00:55:13,269
(MOANS)

1021
00:55:13,728 --> 00:55:15,188
(HUMMING)

1022
00:55:15,980 --> 00:55:18,065
- (WOMAN MOANS)
- (HOWARD HUMS)

1023
00:55:26,365 --> 00:55:28,159
Oh, my goodness.

1024
00:55:32,497 --> 00:55:33,956
(LAUGHS)

1025
00:55:34,040 --> 00:55:35,666
This is the best sex I ever had!

1026
00:55:36,667 --> 00:55:39,337
- Ooh. Standing ovation. Thank you.
- ROBIN: Oh, boy.

1027
00:55:39,545 --> 00:55:41,047
Take your bows.

1028
00:55:42,215 --> 00:55:46,427
A woman on the air had an
orgasm. Have you lost your mind?

1029
00:55:46,511 --> 00:55:48,947
But you have got to admit, it was
funny bit. The audience loved it.

1030
00:55:48,971 --> 00:55:50,306
We just lost Stereo City.

1031
00:55:50,431 --> 00:55:52,975
This is not Muffler Man, guy.
This is Stereo fucking City!

1032
00:55:53,059 --> 00:55:54,939
Dee Dee, do you know
there'll be other sponsors.

1033
00:55:54,977 --> 00:55:57,738
No, there's not. Howard, 'cause
your career is over. You are finished.

1034
00:55:57,813 --> 00:56:00,650
- Come on! how can you say that?
- Dee Dee! I don't believe it.

1035
00:56:00,733 --> 00:56:02,276
- What's the matter?
- He's up.

1036
00:56:03,569 --> 00:56:06,572
- He's up?
- In the new ratings book, two points.

1037
00:56:06,781 --> 00:56:10,284
- I love you.
- Two full points and Pizza Shack called!

1038
00:56:10,493 --> 00:56:12,203
They want to buy
time on the Stern show.

1039
00:56:12,286 --> 00:56:14,455
I love Pizza Shack. I go
to Pizza Shack all the time.

1040
00:56:14,664 --> 00:56:17,344
This is a great time to talk about
putting some money into the show.

1041
00:56:17,542 --> 00:56:20,022
I know a guy out of Hartford who
does voices, he does comedy...

1042
00:56:20,127 --> 00:56:23,089
Absolutely not.
This could be a fluke.

1043
00:56:23,172 --> 00:56:26,133
I guarantee, we'll go up two full
rating points if you hire this guy.

1044
00:56:26,217 --> 00:56:27,760
This guy must be hot.

1045
00:56:27,843 --> 00:56:30,805
The guy is total
personality. He is electric.

1046
00:56:32,056 --> 00:56:34,850
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

1047
00:56:41,107 --> 00:56:44,110
Hey, Rick! How's tricks, buddy?

1048
00:56:44,193 --> 00:56:46,654
I don't know, Fred. I've
been coughing all day.

1049
00:56:46,779 --> 00:56:49,574
I feel I'm about to
cough up a lung.

1050
00:56:49,657 --> 00:56:51,200
(COUGH)

1051
00:56:52,159 --> 00:56:53,578
Waaa!

1052
00:56:53,661 --> 00:56:56,455
BOTH: Oh, no, it's Lucy!

1053
00:57:04,463 --> 00:57:06,663
HOWARD: Thank you. Thank
you very much. I appreciate it.

1054
00:57:06,841 --> 00:57:09,051
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)

1055
00:57:14,098 --> 00:57:16,698
HOWARD: <i>Once the three of us
were together, everything felt right,</i>

1056
00:57:17,351 --> 00:57:18,579
<i>I mean, things really
started to take off</i>

1057
00:57:18,603 --> 00:57:20,980
<i>It's then that I made
a startling discovery.</i>

1058
00:57:21,063 --> 00:57:22,189
She's a very beautiful girl.

1059
00:57:22,315 --> 00:57:24,483
You're telling me this
beautiful woman is a lesbian?

1060
00:57:24,567 --> 00:57:26,652
HOWARD: <i>Lesbians equal ratings.</i>

1061
00:57:26,861 --> 00:57:31,657
Let me say something. I am the hero of
the lesbian community, am I not, Robin?

1062
00:57:31,741 --> 00:57:34,035
- I guess you are.
- I absolutely am.

1063
00:57:34,118 --> 00:57:35,661
Alright, now, let's get into it.

1064
00:57:35,745 --> 00:57:39,957
Julie, tell us about your
first lesbianic experience.

1065
00:57:40,041 --> 00:57:41,042
Okay.

1066
00:57:41,125 --> 00:57:43,753
Tell me about the secret
world of lesbian sex.

1067
00:57:43,836 --> 00:57:46,714
- Well, Howard, I was 18.
- Oh, you were so young.

1068
00:57:46,797 --> 00:57:48,257
Right, and I was working

1069
00:57:48,341 --> 00:57:49,800
- at a summer camp.
- Yes.

1070
00:57:49,884 --> 00:57:55,264
And I was lying in my bunk when
the camp director's wife walked in.

1071
00:57:55,348 --> 00:57:57,099
Ooh, now, that's hot.

1072
00:57:57,183 --> 00:57:58,893
Uh, everyone was asleep,

1073
00:57:58,976 --> 00:58:01,771
and I'm lying in my bunk and
she sees me looking at her.

1074
00:58:01,979 --> 00:58:03,019
HOWARD: <i>Then what happens?</i>

1075
00:58:03,064 --> 00:58:04,944
JULIE: <i>She, like, signals
for me to go with her.</i>

1076
00:58:05,066 --> 00:58:07,586
HOWARD: <i>What are you sleeping
in? 'Cause this is what I picture.</i>

1077
00:58:07,693 --> 00:58:10,488
<i>Little cotton panties,
and a tight little undershirt.</i>

1078
00:58:10,696 --> 00:58:15,117
<i>- No, I'm wearing my baby doll pajamas.
- Oh, you tease.</i>

1079
00:58:15,326 --> 00:58:18,454
JULIE: <i>So then she
takes me into this tent.</i>

1080
00:58:18,663 --> 00:58:21,457
<i>And when you walk in,
lesbians all over the place, right?</i>

1081
00:58:21,540 --> 00:58:23,959
<i>A whole lesbian
sex festival, right?</i>

1082
00:58:24,043 --> 00:58:26,879
(JULIE CHUCKLES)
<i>Oh, you know it, Howard.</i>

1083
00:58:26,962 --> 00:58:29,382
MAN: Howard? Howard?

1084
00:58:29,590 --> 00:58:31,926
"Alison on line
three. It is important."

1085
00:58:32,134 --> 00:58:35,137
Do you believe this? In the middle of
Lesbian Dating Game, my wife calls in!

1086
00:58:35,221 --> 00:58:36,681
ROBIN: Maybe she wants to play!

1087
00:58:36,764 --> 00:58:39,350
Honey? You want to play the
game? You want a date with Julie?

1088
00:58:39,558 --> 00:58:42,186
<i>- Am I on the air?</i>
- Yes, honey, of course you're on air.

1089
00:58:42,269 --> 00:58:44,188
<i>I told them I wanted
to talk to you off the air.</i>

1090
00:58:44,271 --> 00:58:46,667
But, honey, you're in the middle of
interrupting a beautiful, sexy moment.

1091
00:58:46,691 --> 00:58:48,442
You've got to tell everyone.

1092
00:58:48,567 --> 00:58:51,213
My audience wants to know why
you're interrupting. Don't you, Robin?

1093
00:58:51,237 --> 00:58:55,366
- I think we deserve to.
- Yes, honey... uh-oh, Al?

1094
00:58:55,574 --> 00:58:57,326
- I think she's gone.
- No.

1095
00:58:57,535 --> 00:59:00,705
<i>- I'm pregnant.</i>
- What?

1096
00:59:00,913 --> 00:59:02,790
<i>I'm pregnant.</i>

1097
00:59:02,998 --> 00:59:04,875
ROBIN: Congratulations, Howard!

1098
00:59:04,959 --> 00:59:06,460
It's my super sperm.

1099
00:59:06,544 --> 00:59:08,671
I knew my super sperm
would do it, Robin.

1100
00:59:08,754 --> 00:59:10,649
- You are so blessed.
- Julie says we're blessed, honey.

1101
00:59:10,673 --> 00:59:12,383
And Julie would
know these things.

1102
00:59:12,508 --> 00:59:13,777
ALISON: <i>Well, I
appreciate her support.</i>

1103
00:59:13,801 --> 00:59:14,841
<i>Can we talk privately now?</i>

1104
00:59:14,885 --> 00:59:16,321
- Absolutely, sweetheart.
- Wait a minute.

1105
00:59:16,345 --> 00:59:18,740
Does she know what she's gonna
have? Is it gonna be a lesbian?

1106
00:59:18,764 --> 00:59:20,433
Oh, please, Robin!
You've gone too far!

1107
00:59:20,516 --> 00:59:22,935
No offense, Julie. Please. I
don't need this aggravation.

1108
00:59:23,060 --> 00:59:25,271
We're gonna take a break.
We'll get back to making out

1109
00:59:25,354 --> 00:59:27,106
with the lesbians
after these words.

1110
00:59:29,567 --> 00:59:31,527
- Hi. I can't believe it.
- ALISON: Hey.

1111
00:59:31,610 --> 00:59:33,770
<i>I know. I can't believe you
made me do that on the air.</i>

1112
00:59:33,863 --> 00:59:35,048
It's so exciting. Did
you call your mother?

1113
00:59:35,072 --> 00:59:36,282
<i>I called, I called.</i>

1114
00:59:36,532 --> 00:59:38,909
<i>I feel so different. Oh,
my God. Oh, my God.</i>

1115
00:59:38,993 --> 00:59:40,953
I know. I'm flipping out, too.

1116
00:59:41,203 --> 00:59:43,456
- I'm somebody's father.
<i>- Oh, my God!</i>

1117
00:59:44,415 --> 00:59:45,475
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Howard! Howard!

1118
00:59:45,499 --> 00:59:46,560
REPORTER: Love him or hate him,

1119
00:59:46,584 --> 00:59:48,627
unconventional disc
jockey, Howard Stern,

1120
00:59:48,711 --> 00:59:50,504
jumped to the top
of the ratings today,

1121
00:59:50,588 --> 00:59:53,174
making him number one
in Greater Washington.

1122
00:59:53,257 --> 00:59:56,260
HOWARD ON TV: <i>I took a dump of a
radio station and we returned it to glory!</i>

1123
00:59:56,469 --> 00:59:59,013
HOWARD: I look like Hitler.

1124
00:59:59,221 --> 01:00:01,307
<i>I was thrilled,
totally overjoyed.</i>

1125
01:00:01,390 --> 01:00:03,190
<i>I mean, we were going
to have our first child.</i>

1126
01:00:03,267 --> 01:00:05,227
<i>And six weeks later,
the new ratings came out.</i>

1127
01:00:05,311 --> 01:00:07,229
<i>We destroyed every
other station in the market.</i>

1128
01:00:07,313 --> 01:00:09,190
<i>My life was perfect.</i>

1129
01:00:09,523 --> 01:00:13,152
I'm gonna grab this
guy's hat. If they show it.

1130
01:00:17,239 --> 01:00:19,575
HOWARD ON TV: <i>I'll
tell you another thing...</i>

1131
01:00:19,658 --> 01:00:23,037
Look, watch this. You'll
miss it. Come here.

1132
01:00:23,120 --> 01:00:27,166
HOWARD ON TV: <i>I am Officer
Howie, and there's a new law in town.</i>

1133
01:00:27,291 --> 01:00:28,292
<i>We're taking it over.</i>

1134
01:00:29,710 --> 01:00:31,003
ALISON: How?

1135
01:00:31,086 --> 01:00:32,087
HOWARD ON TV: <i>I love you.</i>

1136
01:00:32,171 --> 01:00:33,172
(CROWD CHANTING)

1137
01:00:34,882 --> 01:00:36,592
Al, you okay?

1138
01:00:37,301 --> 01:00:38,886
I think something's wrong.

1139
01:00:39,637 --> 01:00:41,388
Even if I put you
in the hospital,

1140
01:00:41,472 --> 01:00:44,725
and I pumped you full of
every medication possible,

1141
01:00:44,809 --> 01:00:47,144
you still would've
lost the pregnancy.

1142
01:00:59,824 --> 01:01:03,035
Your body rejected what was
going on, and that's healthy.

1143
01:01:03,160 --> 01:01:04,703
It's such a good
way to look at it.

1144
01:01:04,829 --> 01:01:05,972
And you know in
a couple of months,

1145
01:01:05,996 --> 01:01:08,391
we're gonna try to have a baby again,
and everything's going to go great.

1146
01:01:08,415 --> 01:01:10,769
And you're gonna be totally
confident that everything's going good

1147
01:01:10,793 --> 01:01:14,338
because you know your body
would reject it if it wasn't going right...

1148
01:01:15,631 --> 01:01:16,841
You know?

1149
01:01:19,802 --> 01:01:22,137
I have to tell my parents.

1150
01:01:23,639 --> 01:01:26,141
Not really. You don't
have to tell your parents.

1151
01:01:26,559 --> 01:01:27,810
You know what you could do?

1152
01:01:30,437 --> 01:01:33,858
I didn't wanna tell you this. I
took a Polaroid of the toilet.

1153
01:01:34,567 --> 01:01:39,154
We can mail them a picture, and
they can walk around Florida saying,

1154
01:01:39,363 --> 01:01:40,364
"This is our grandchild."

1155
01:01:40,447 --> 01:01:42,950
And your mother will be so
happy, she just wants pictures.

1156
01:01:43,033 --> 01:01:45,136
She just wants pictures to
show her friends. You know that.

1157
01:01:45,160 --> 01:01:48,414
She just wants to be like all the
other <i>yentas</i> who walk around.

1158
01:01:48,622 --> 01:01:52,626
You know, we could name the baby
and everything. Clompy, Clompy Stern.

1159
01:01:52,835 --> 01:01:56,922
She could walk around with your
father and little Clompy pictures.

1160
01:01:58,048 --> 01:02:02,469
CHOIR: (SINGING) <i>Oh,
the weather Now, here's God</i>

1161
01:02:02,678 --> 01:02:05,598
- Your Holiness? There you are.
- HOWARD AS GOD: <i>Hello, Howard.</i>

1162
01:02:05,806 --> 01:02:08,475
<i>I see your wife
had a miscarriage.</i>

1163
01:02:08,559 --> 01:02:11,061
Aww, don't bring that up, God.
Please, that's way too personal.

1164
01:02:12,021 --> 01:02:15,900
<i>- You tried to have a baby and failed.</i>
- Oh, man!

1165
01:02:15,983 --> 01:02:19,987
<i>- Now the baby is with me.</i>
- Oh, this is cruel.

1166
01:02:20,070 --> 01:02:22,156
<i>Boy, what a loser you are!</i>

1167
01:02:22,239 --> 01:02:24,742
ROBIN: Wow! He's getting
awfully personal this morning.

1168
01:02:24,825 --> 01:02:26,928
Hey, God, me and my wife
are trying to have another baby.

1169
01:02:26,952 --> 01:02:30,456
<i>A real man would've done
it right the first time, Howard.</i>

1170
01:02:30,539 --> 01:02:31,540
Oh, for God's sake.

1171
01:02:31,624 --> 01:02:33,584
<i>It will be pleasant
today, rain tomorrow.</i>

1172
01:02:33,667 --> 01:02:34,668
(BABY CRYING)

1173
01:02:34,752 --> 01:02:39,006
- That's my kid up there.
<i>- This is God with the weather on DC 101.</i>

1174
01:02:39,089 --> 01:02:42,217
You're all wrong, God. You're
completely out of line this morning.

1175
01:02:42,301 --> 01:02:44,386
I don't think we should
be talking about this.

1176
01:02:44,470 --> 01:02:47,890
I went to the doctor with my wife,
and it was an awful experience.

1177
01:02:47,973 --> 01:02:51,644
Because the doctor walks out,
there's your kid, your beautiful child.

1178
01:02:51,727 --> 01:02:53,812
And he is no bigger
than the size of an Aspirin.

1179
01:02:53,896 --> 01:02:56,857
- Howie Jr. No bigger than the Aspirin.
- ROBIN: Was it a boy?

1180
01:02:56,941 --> 01:02:58,901
It was a boy, yes!

1181
01:03:00,069 --> 01:03:03,113
And then, uh, you look at
him in the formaldehyde jar.

1182
01:03:03,197 --> 01:03:07,117
I said to my wife, "Honey,
don't be upset he's in a jar."

1183
01:03:07,201 --> 01:03:09,370
"We'll take him out of this
office and bring him home"

1184
01:03:09,453 --> 01:03:11,413
"and next week take him
to the zoo in a stroller."

1185
01:03:11,538 --> 01:03:14,959
- Oh, please!
- I don't want to talk about it, Robin.

1186
01:03:15,042 --> 01:03:18,712
- I really think you need counseling.
- I'm gonna play a record. DC 101.

1187
01:03:18,796 --> 01:03:23,801
We've got some good tunes for you.
Robin will analyze me when we are back.

1188
01:03:24,009 --> 01:03:25,970
Very sad music.

1189
01:03:26,053 --> 01:03:27,054
(TAPS PLAYS)

1190
01:03:27,137 --> 01:03:31,433
Not that, Fred! Play
something else. For God's sake.

1191
01:03:32,309 --> 01:03:34,687
DC 101, here's
rock 'n' roll for you.

1192
01:03:34,937 --> 01:03:36,605
(MUSIC PLAYS)

1193
01:03:42,486 --> 01:03:45,322
Hi! Al, are you home?

1194
01:03:47,658 --> 01:03:49,743
Hi. How you feeling? You okay?

1195
01:03:49,827 --> 01:03:52,579
How could you do that?
Do you think that was funny?

1196
01:03:52,705 --> 01:03:55,392
You think it's funny to make jokes
about our personal life like that? Asshole.

1197
01:03:55,416 --> 01:03:57,894
- What are you talking about?
- What do you mean, am I talking about?

1198
01:03:57,918 --> 01:04:01,130
Alison, I love you. What are you
talking about. I'm not trying to hurt you.

1199
01:04:01,380 --> 01:04:04,842
Not everything is for your audience.
I need our life, that belongs to us!

1200
01:04:04,925 --> 01:04:07,362
I'm there five hours a day. I'm
trying to come up with material.

1201
01:04:07,386 --> 01:04:09,430
- I hate going out.
- Too bad!

1202
01:04:09,555 --> 01:04:11,908
I said, when we came here, if
I was going to win on the radio,

1203
01:04:11,932 --> 01:04:14,518
I'd have to talk about
everything. I couldn't hold back.

1204
01:04:14,601 --> 01:04:16,913
Come on. Last night lying in
bed, we were laughing about this.

1205
01:04:16,937 --> 01:04:18,689
I just assumed you
thought it was funny.

1206
01:04:18,772 --> 01:04:21,567
It was funny for us last
night. Privately, for us.

1207
01:04:21,650 --> 01:04:23,294
Alison, if I don't talk about
you and me on the air...

1208
01:04:23,318 --> 01:04:27,072
- Shut up! Shut up!
- We won't make any money!

1209
01:04:27,156 --> 01:04:31,285
Shut up! You disgust me. I
can't even look at you. Idiot!

1210
01:04:35,622 --> 01:04:40,627
It's hard when he shares our
personal details of our life together

1211
01:04:40,711 --> 01:04:43,464
with, you know,
millions of listeners.

1212
01:04:46,341 --> 01:04:49,970
I wish that there were more
things that could be just ours.

1213
01:04:52,347 --> 01:04:55,267
But I think it's right that
I go crazy, you know?

1214
01:04:55,809 --> 01:04:57,853
You know, I think...

1215
01:04:57,936 --> 01:05:01,023
I don't know. It's not simple.

1216
01:05:04,526 --> 01:05:09,114
Our entire Washington radio
audience has disappeared.

1217
01:05:09,323 --> 01:05:14,870
It seems the competition has a
disc jockey that's caused a shift.

1218
01:05:15,537 --> 01:05:20,042
One disc jockey has wiped
out our entire audience?

1219
01:05:21,627 --> 01:05:23,670
Can we get him?

1220
01:05:23,879 --> 01:05:26,799
I've got such good news.
It's gonna blow your mind.

1221
01:05:26,882 --> 01:05:28,842
- All right. You go first.
- Okay.

1222
01:05:29,051 --> 01:05:31,220
- All right, that's rude, you go first.
- Go first!

1223
01:05:31,303 --> 01:05:32,346
Okay. Listen to this.

1224
01:05:32,429 --> 01:05:34,932
- I listen to radio. I like show.
- Oh, thank you.

1225
01:05:35,140 --> 01:05:39,603
But don't make fun of Chinese
people. Make fun not funny.

1226
01:05:39,812 --> 01:05:41,730
I didn't make fun of the
Chinese people, did I?

1227
01:05:41,814 --> 01:05:42,815
Probably.

1228
01:05:43,023 --> 01:05:45,192
I bring egg rolls.

1229
01:05:46,610 --> 01:05:51,198
- What is your news? What is it?
- It's unbelievable.

1230
01:05:51,406 --> 01:05:53,700
I got a job offer from
WNBC in New York.

1231
01:05:53,909 --> 01:05:59,581
Afternoon Drive, the most powerful
station in the chain, $150,000 a year.

1232
01:05:59,665 --> 01:06:03,544
And they said, if I do well, they'll
syndicate my program over the country.

1233
01:06:04,753 --> 01:06:09,133
This is everything I want.
It's the dream. The Big Apple!

1234
01:06:10,008 --> 01:06:11,385
I'm pregnant.

1235
01:06:13,554 --> 01:06:15,597
You're pregnant?

1236
01:06:16,181 --> 01:06:17,182
Mm-hmm.

1237
01:06:20,936 --> 01:06:23,730
- Come here.
- What?

1238
01:06:23,814 --> 01:06:26,525
- Just come here.
- Oh, my God.

1239
01:06:26,859 --> 01:06:28,402
Pregnant?

1240
01:06:30,237 --> 01:06:31,381
So, what's going on?
What's going to happen?

1241
01:06:31,405 --> 01:06:32,406
Everything's good.

1242
01:06:32,489 --> 01:06:35,159
- Yeah? She's gonna get naked?
- Yeah, sure! Of course!

1243
01:06:35,242 --> 01:06:37,953
All right. Let's get
her out. Let's do it.

1244
01:06:38,036 --> 01:06:39,663
- Okay.
- She'll get naked?

1245
01:06:39,746 --> 01:06:41,623
- Yeah, that's why we're here, man.
- Okay.

1246
01:06:43,542 --> 01:06:46,170
- Okay, honey?
- Hi. How's it going?

1247
01:06:46,336 --> 01:06:47,921
- Hi. Good.
- Hi, Gary.

1248
01:06:48,046 --> 01:06:50,340
- Hi. Good. Good, good.
- How're you doing?

1249
01:06:50,424 --> 01:06:54,052
I'm sorry. I know I told you I'd do
this, but I really changed my mind.

1250
01:06:54,136 --> 01:06:55,470
I don't want to do it anymore.

1251
01:06:55,554 --> 01:06:58,807
Okay. What's, uh, like, what's the
problem? What are you worried about?

1252
01:06:58,891 --> 01:06:59,892
I just changed my mind...

1253
01:06:59,975 --> 01:07:01,286
MAN: What do you
mean? You are doing it!

1254
01:07:01,310 --> 01:07:03,937
I wouldn't drive here for
you to change your mind.

1255
01:07:04,021 --> 01:07:08,775
- It's just very humiliating to me.
- It's not a big deal.

1256
01:07:08,859 --> 01:07:10,485
We've done it a lot on the show.

1257
01:07:10,569 --> 01:07:12,779
And I think Howard would
appreciate if you do it for us.

1258
01:07:12,863 --> 01:07:16,116
No, I just changed
my mind, I'm sorry.

1259
01:07:16,325 --> 01:07:19,036
I know I told you I'd do it,
but now I don't want to do.

1260
01:07:19,119 --> 01:07:20,305
I think it's very humiliating.

1261
01:07:20,329 --> 01:07:23,874
MAN: This is not humiliating, it's
show business. You've a great body.

1262
01:07:23,957 --> 01:07:25,351
- Let everybody see it.
- I mean, you're beautiful...

1263
01:07:25,375 --> 01:07:28,378
You're my husband, don't make
me do something I don't wanna do.

1264
01:07:28,462 --> 01:07:30,339
MAN: I'm proud of you
and I want you to do it

1265
01:07:30,422 --> 01:07:31,983
and that's why we
drove here from Jersey.

1266
01:07:32,007 --> 01:07:35,427
What the hell is this donkey here for?
Nobody said anything about a donkey.

1267
01:07:35,510 --> 01:07:39,431
- MAN: It's a show business donkey!
- It's not part of the act.

1268
01:07:40,182 --> 01:07:41,784
You'll feel at ease
once we go just do it.

1269
01:07:41,808 --> 01:07:43,008
It will just take two seconds.

1270
01:07:43,101 --> 01:07:44,913
Guys, I need to know are
you going to do it or not?

1271
01:07:44,937 --> 01:07:47,606
- Yeah. You are doing it.
- No. I'm not.

1272
01:07:47,689 --> 01:07:49,858
You're my husband,
you should support me!

1273
01:07:50,192 --> 01:07:54,321
Howard goes to New York. Thanks
for nothing, guys. Let the donkey go.

1274
01:07:54,529 --> 01:07:57,491
Come on guys. Wrap it
up, they're not doing it.

1275
01:08:01,036 --> 01:08:03,455
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)

1276
01:08:21,265 --> 01:08:23,265
REPORTER: <i>What you're
about to hear will shock you,</i>

1277
01:08:23,308 --> 01:08:25,018
<i>because it's vulgar and obscene.</i>

1278
01:08:25,269 --> 01:08:28,438
<i>It's X-rated radio.
Barnyard radio.</i>

1279
01:08:28,689 --> 01:08:30,691
<i>All of you mommy's
and daddy's out there</i>

1280
01:08:30,857 --> 01:08:33,211
<i>who complained to the station,
I got something to say to you.</i>

1281
01:08:33,235 --> 01:08:35,028
Here. (PASSES GAS)

1282
01:08:35,112 --> 01:08:37,447
REPORTER: <i>This
is a story with a twist.</i>

1283
01:08:37,781 --> 01:08:39,408
<i>While we were
producing this report,</i>

1284
01:08:39,491 --> 01:08:41,368
<i>Howard Stern was lured
away from Washington</i>

1285
01:08:41,451 --> 01:08:43,203
<i>by a New York City station.</i>

1286
01:08:43,287 --> 01:08:46,623
<i>That station? You
guessed it, it's WNBC...</i>

1287
01:08:46,707 --> 01:08:47,708
(TV CLICKS OFF)

1288
01:08:49,167 --> 01:08:54,339
This person is coming to
work at our flagship station?

1289
01:08:54,548 --> 01:08:55,757
Yes.

1290
01:08:55,966 --> 01:08:58,593
Brad, you gave this
trash-talking bastard

1291
01:08:58,677 --> 01:09:00,405
a three-year deal without
hearing him on air?

1292
01:09:00,429 --> 01:09:01,430
Yes, Roger.

1293
01:09:01,513 --> 01:09:03,015
He's on the FCC's
most wanted list!

1294
01:09:03,098 --> 01:09:05,726
Roger, his rate... Chuck,
just show him the numbers.

1295
01:09:05,809 --> 01:09:07,352
Through the roof.

1296
01:09:07,436 --> 01:09:10,689
No, no. Don't bother. You're
fired, all of you! Get out!

1297
01:09:13,984 --> 01:09:15,402
Get out!

1298
01:09:29,666 --> 01:09:32,711
You know, unless he quits,

1299
01:09:32,794 --> 01:09:36,506
it costs half a million dollars
to buy Stern's contract out.

1300
01:09:37,132 --> 01:09:39,092
I reject that on principle.

1301
01:09:39,176 --> 01:09:43,096
Uh, well...
Mr. Erlick, if I may...

1302
01:09:44,765 --> 01:09:48,852
Put me in charge of the Stern
Show. Let me ride herd on him,

1303
01:09:48,935 --> 01:09:51,897
I'll mold that son of a
bitch into another Don Imus.

1304
01:09:51,980 --> 01:09:53,398
When I'm through whipping him,

1305
01:09:53,482 --> 01:09:55,901
the boy will ask
permission to wipe his ass.

1306
01:09:55,984 --> 01:09:58,236
- You want to tame him?
- Yeah.

1307
01:09:58,320 --> 01:10:02,366
Either I'll tame him or I'll
make him so crazy, he'll quit.

1308
01:10:03,408 --> 01:10:05,660
So, either way, we win.

1309
01:10:07,704 --> 01:10:11,875
I tell you, these halls are,
like, legendary. It's pretty wild.

1310
01:10:12,084 --> 01:10:16,463
- Kenny, Howard Stern.
- Hi, how you doing? Great to meet you.

1311
01:10:16,546 --> 01:10:20,384
- It is a pleasure to meet you, Howard.
- What can I say? This is unbelievable.

1312
01:10:20,592 --> 01:10:24,221
Kenny's the hottest young
programmer in New York City.

1313
01:10:24,304 --> 01:10:26,640
Howard, you listen to
him, 'cause he's a genius.

1314
01:10:26,723 --> 01:10:28,350
Come on, now! (CHUCKLES)

1315
01:10:28,433 --> 01:10:32,187
- Play nice.
- Good seeing you. I will see you later.

1316
01:10:32,270 --> 01:10:33,271
He's terrific.

1317
01:10:33,355 --> 01:10:35,416
Oh, yeah, he's been terrific.
Everyone's been so nice.

1318
01:10:35,440 --> 01:10:37,692
- Have a seat.
- Sure. Thanks.

1319
01:10:38,402 --> 01:10:40,737
Oh, Howard, Howard, Howard...

1320
01:10:41,405 --> 01:10:42,823
(BOTH CHUCKLING)

1321
01:10:42,906 --> 01:10:46,284
Howard, the way
we work here at NBC

1322
01:10:46,368 --> 01:10:49,746
is a more professional
manner than you're used to.

1323
01:10:50,414 --> 01:10:54,543
I don't care what you did in
Washington. That's chicken shit radio.

1324
01:10:54,626 --> 01:10:58,004
Here at NBC, this is real radio.

1325
01:10:58,213 --> 01:11:03,927
The first thing you got to do is
say the call letters properly, okay?

1326
01:11:04,511 --> 01:11:09,558
Now, I'll teach you how to say
them. I hope you can get them.

1327
01:11:09,641 --> 01:11:13,979
Because you don't have a real
good voice like Imus or Captain Frank,

1328
01:11:14,062 --> 01:11:16,481
- so we'll have to practice it.
- Well...

1329
01:11:18,358 --> 01:11:19,901
Can we practice in here now?

1330
01:11:19,985 --> 01:11:22,404
You won't get bashful
on me now, are you?

1331
01:11:23,738 --> 01:11:26,992
Okay, you ready? The
way it's said properly is...

1332
01:11:28,785 --> 01:11:31,872
WNBC.

1333
01:11:35,167 --> 01:11:37,419
This is key. Come on.

1334
01:11:37,627 --> 01:11:39,045
WNBC.

1335
01:11:39,129 --> 01:11:42,757
No, no. It's got to be more like
this. (CLEARS THROAT) Listen up.

1336
01:11:43,091 --> 01:11:45,218
(VOICE LILTING) WNBC.

1337
01:11:45,302 --> 01:11:48,638
You hear that kind
of lift? The "NBC"?

1338
01:11:49,556 --> 01:11:51,975
(OVEREMPHASIZING) WNBC.

1339
01:11:52,058 --> 01:11:57,189
(TOGETHER) WNBC! WNBC!

1340
01:11:57,397 --> 01:12:00,275
In my mind, I am hearing... I'm
saying exactly what you're saying.

1341
01:12:00,484 --> 01:12:02,861
- No. Actually...
- WNBC!

1342
01:12:03,069 --> 01:12:06,823
You know what, you got to listen
to Imus. Imus does it perfectly.

1343
01:12:07,032 --> 01:12:09,534
Tell you what. I'll take you
down to Imus office right now

1344
01:12:09,618 --> 01:12:10,994
and you can hear how he does it.

1345
01:12:11,077 --> 01:12:14,664
- Come on boy, come on.
- I got to tell you something, Kenny.

1346
01:12:14,748 --> 01:12:18,168
I always saw myself as different
to Imus, that's why you hired me.

1347
01:12:18,376 --> 01:12:21,046
You are original, but...
(CLEARS THROAT)

1348
01:12:21,922 --> 01:12:23,381
You say lot of offensive things.

1349
01:12:23,465 --> 01:12:27,928
Occasionally, you are real funny, but
you got to learn to do what Imus does.

1350
01:12:28,011 --> 01:12:33,266
He doesn't actually say the bad thing
himself, he says through a character.

1351
01:12:33,808 --> 01:12:37,354
How about you go on the air, 3:00
a.m., and show us some characters?

1352
01:12:37,437 --> 01:12:39,606
Okay? Good. Now...

1353
01:12:39,689 --> 01:12:43,527
I'll go in, see how he's
feeling. You stay here, okay?

1354
01:12:44,945 --> 01:12:46,404
Mr. Imus?

1355
01:12:50,033 --> 01:12:53,161
HOWARD: <i>Back then, Don Imus was
the number one disc jockey of New York.</i>

1356
01:12:53,286 --> 01:12:55,372
<i>So I was kind of
curious to meet him.</i>

1357
01:12:55,455 --> 01:12:56,516
IMUS: You are interrupting me.

1358
01:12:56,540 --> 01:12:59,251
- KENNY: I have Howard Stern outside.
- Who outside?

1359
01:12:59,334 --> 01:13:03,046
- Young man from Washington...
- Stern's outside my fucking office?

1360
01:13:03,129 --> 01:13:05,715
How did Howard Stern
get outside my office?

1361
01:13:05,799 --> 01:13:07,551
Well, I'm not gonna
meet that stupid fuck.

1362
01:13:07,634 --> 01:13:08,635
He's nothing.

1363
01:13:10,053 --> 01:13:11,555
Fuck off!

1364
01:13:15,141 --> 01:13:19,145
(RADIO JINGLE PLAYS) <i>66, WNBC</i>

1365
01:13:19,229 --> 01:13:21,523
Hello, I'm Robin Quivers.

1366
01:13:21,606 --> 01:13:26,069
It's my pleasure to introduce you
to New York's newest disc jockey.

1367
01:13:26,152 --> 01:13:31,157
HOWARD: (LISPING) Ooo-ey!
That's me! I'm Lance Eluction on WNBC!

1368
01:13:31,366 --> 01:13:37,414
WNBC. I'm so excited, because I
am New York's first-ever gay DJ. Ever!

1369
01:13:37,622 --> 01:13:42,544
And now I want to introduce
to you someone so marvelous,

1370
01:13:42,627 --> 01:13:47,132
so wonderful and supportive to me,
my life mate, soul mate, love mate,

1371
01:13:47,215 --> 01:13:49,968
he's everything to
me, Mr. Blackswell.

1372
01:13:50,594 --> 01:13:51,720
<i>Wilkommen. Bienvenue.</i>

1373
01:13:51,803 --> 01:13:54,889
Welcome. Oh, Robin, it's so
lovely to see you here today.

1374
01:13:55,098 --> 01:13:58,810
- Hi, Mr. Engineer. Give me a kiss.
- (BOTH KISSING)

1375
01:13:59,019 --> 01:14:03,565
You two are just adorable together,
and it's wonderful to have you here.

1376
01:14:03,773 --> 01:14:06,443
But I understand, there's
already been a problem?

1377
01:14:06,651 --> 01:14:09,070
Yes, you know, I was in
the program director's office.

1378
01:14:09,154 --> 01:14:10,655
His name was Pig Vomit.

1379
01:14:10,864 --> 01:14:13,283
Because he looks like a pig
and he makes you wanna vomit.

1380
01:14:14,034 --> 01:14:19,331
Pig Vomit says, "This is
not WNBC. It is WNBC."

1381
01:14:20,540 --> 01:14:23,835
I was not saying the call
letters right. A big problem.

1382
01:14:23,918 --> 01:14:28,423
To rectify this, I brought in
a cup of Blackswell's semen.

1383
01:14:29,341 --> 01:14:31,676
- Semen?
- I squeezed it myself.

1384
01:14:31,760 --> 01:14:32,969
I hope it's not too tangy.

1385
01:14:33,178 --> 01:14:34,405
And what are you
going to do with it?

1386
01:14:34,429 --> 01:14:37,509
I'm gonna gargle with this and practice
the call letters until I get it right.

1387
01:14:37,557 --> 01:14:38,850
You think that'll work?

1388
01:14:38,933 --> 01:14:41,227
I don't care, because I love
the taste of a man. Ooga.

1389
01:14:41,311 --> 01:14:42,896
BOTH: Ooga. Ooga.

1390
01:14:42,979 --> 01:14:46,358
Can I have some music
now, Mr. Engineer, please?

1391
01:14:46,566 --> 01:14:50,236
Would you, please...
Give us a record, <i>por favor.</i>

1392
01:14:50,320 --> 01:14:52,364
- (DISCO MUSIC PLAYS)
- Okay. Thank you.

1393
01:14:52,447 --> 01:14:54,908
Now, watch and learn.

1394
01:14:55,283 --> 01:14:57,160
(VOCALIZING)

1395
01:14:59,204 --> 01:15:00,580
(GARGLING)

1396
01:15:00,705 --> 01:15:02,791
- (SAYING CALL LETTERS)
- (GIGGLES)

1397
01:15:02,874 --> 01:15:04,668
There she blows!

1398
01:15:05,043 --> 01:15:07,504
(HUMMING WITH RECORD)

1399
01:15:08,171 --> 01:15:10,882
- Oh, can you believe it?
- You just swallowed!

1400
01:15:10,965 --> 01:15:14,386
- I swallowed! Oh, my God!
- Waste not, want not, Robin.

1401
01:15:14,469 --> 01:15:15,470
Oh!

1402
01:15:16,721 --> 01:15:20,433
I wanna say, "I love
WNBC!" See? It works.

1403
01:15:20,642 --> 01:15:23,311
I can say it! WNBC!

1404
01:15:26,064 --> 01:15:29,943
- WNBC, please hold. WNBC, please hold.
- WNBC, please hold. WNBC, please hold.

1405
01:15:30,652 --> 01:15:31,945
WNBC, please hold.

1406
01:15:37,033 --> 01:15:39,285
So, we gave him
some characters, right?

1407
01:15:43,039 --> 01:15:44,999
Get in here.

1408
01:15:52,006 --> 01:15:54,050
You goddamn motherfuckers.

1409
01:15:54,843 --> 01:15:58,346
You fucking waltz in here
and think you know everything.

1410
01:15:58,430 --> 01:16:02,308
I worked my fucking ass
off to get to New York City,

1411
01:16:02,392 --> 01:16:06,521
and you are not going to
fucking blow it forward for me!

1412
01:16:06,730 --> 01:16:10,900
- I was doing characters...
- Barry, Jerry, clarify the situation.

1413
01:16:11,109 --> 01:16:14,738
Page 108, paragraph three.
"No jokes dealing with flatulence,"

1414
01:16:14,863 --> 01:16:18,241
"excretion, urination, ejaculation,
or other bodily functions."

1415
01:16:18,324 --> 01:16:21,536
Note paragraph two. "No
use of the seven dirty words."

1416
01:16:21,619 --> 01:16:25,415
"Cocksucker, motherfucker,
fuck, shit, cunt, cock and pussy."

1417
01:16:26,458 --> 01:16:30,503
From now on, all your little bits
are under two minutes in duration.

1418
01:16:30,712 --> 01:16:36,092
All scripts, and I do mean all
scripts, require my personal approval.

1419
01:16:36,259 --> 01:16:38,887
Welcome to NBC, Howard.

1420
01:16:38,970 --> 01:16:40,130
(RADIO JINGLE PLAYS) <i>66, WNBC</i>

1421
01:16:42,015 --> 01:16:45,643
It's time for <i>The Match Game!</i>

1422
01:16:45,727 --> 01:16:46,728
(GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS)

1423
01:16:46,811 --> 01:16:51,441
And thank you, Mr. Announcer!
Hi, My name is Gene Sternburn.

1424
01:16:51,524 --> 01:16:54,652
Welcome to <i>Match Game.</i>

1425
01:16:54,778 --> 01:16:58,323
We have a lot of excitement in the air
because we have some great panelists.

1426
01:16:58,531 --> 01:17:00,283
Let me introduce
you to everybody.

1427
01:17:00,492 --> 01:17:04,662
Firstly, let me introduce a very
charming and beautiful lady,

1428
01:17:04,746 --> 01:17:07,582
Miss Brett Summers! How are you?

1429
01:17:07,665 --> 01:17:09,000
(GRAVELLY VOICE) Hi, Gene!

1430
01:17:09,083 --> 01:17:11,294
Hygiene, that's
something you don't have!

1431
01:17:11,377 --> 01:17:12,378
ROBIN: Hey, back off.

1432
01:17:12,587 --> 01:17:15,381
Okay, and let's now go over to
somebody who I really admire,

1433
01:17:15,590 --> 01:17:18,343
the ex-US President,
Mr. Richard Nixon.

1434
01:17:18,551 --> 01:17:20,070
(IMITATING VOICE)
Hello, everybody! Hello.

1435
01:17:20,094 --> 01:17:24,849
I'm very honored to introduce
to all of you a special man.

1436
01:17:24,933 --> 01:17:30,396
He's on the show for the first time,
Mr. Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling!

1437
01:17:30,605 --> 01:17:33,358
- Thank you, Gene.
- Let's play our game now okay, shall we?

1438
01:17:33,441 --> 01:17:36,528
We're going to ask you
to fill in the blank. Okay?

1439
01:17:36,611 --> 01:17:38,404
Now, I want you
to listen carefully.

1440
01:17:38,488 --> 01:17:42,867
Our first clue up
is "blank" willow.

1441
01:17:43,993 --> 01:17:45,245
"Blank" willow.

1442
01:17:45,328 --> 01:17:46,329
(MUSIC PLAYS)

1443
01:17:46,412 --> 01:17:50,291
Let's go to Brett Summers.
What do you have for us?

1444
01:17:50,375 --> 01:17:53,920
The only thing on my
mind, Gene, was pussy.

1445
01:17:54,212 --> 01:17:55,213
Uh-oh.

1446
01:17:55,547 --> 01:18:00,635
<i>Pussy! All right! Pussy willow.
That's what I'd have said.</i>

1447
01:18:00,844 --> 01:18:04,305
Let's go to Dick Nixon. What
did you have? "Blank" willow?

1448
01:18:04,389 --> 01:18:07,892
- In any language... pussy!
- All right!

1449
01:18:08,101 --> 01:18:14,816
Let's go to our newest member,
Mr. Jackie "Joke Man" Martling.

1450
01:18:15,024 --> 01:18:18,278
I didn't write it too neat,
so I have a sloppy pussy.

1451
01:18:18,361 --> 01:18:19,821
A sloppy pussy!

1452
01:18:19,904 --> 01:18:23,867
- A sloppy pussy...
- Are we talking about Brett?

1453
01:18:24,075 --> 01:18:25,493
Let's keep going.

1454
01:18:25,577 --> 01:18:28,746
<i>Now it's going to get
rougher. Everybody ready?</i>

1455
01:18:28,955 --> 01:18:32,792
"Blank" a-doodle-do.
"Blank" a-doodle-do.

1456
01:18:32,876 --> 01:18:34,168
(MUSIC PLAYS)

1457
01:18:34,586 --> 01:18:36,856
"Blank" a-doodle-do. Think about
that while our celebrities are writing.

1458
01:18:36,880 --> 01:18:40,341
Dick Nixon, our own
ex-President, what have you got?

1459
01:18:40,425 --> 01:18:44,846
It takes a Dick to know a cock, and
that's what I wrote, cock-a-doodle-do!

1460
01:18:45,054 --> 01:18:50,685
That's what I would've said. Seemed
like the obvious answer. Over to Jackie.

1461
01:18:50,894 --> 01:18:54,522
Gene, I have cock. I wrote
it big, I have a big cock!

1462
01:18:54,731 --> 01:18:58,151
Uh, I don't think you can say "big
cock" on the radio. I think that's a no-no.

1463
01:18:58,234 --> 01:19:00,653
- But I just said "pussy."
- She just said "pussy"!

1464
01:19:00,737 --> 01:19:03,239
Pussy is okay. It's
the way he says it.

1465
01:19:03,323 --> 01:19:05,563
"Big cock" coming out of your
mouth sounds awfully dirty.

1466
01:19:05,617 --> 01:19:09,787
I can't say "big cock" but you can
say "big cock coming out of my mouth"?

1467
01:19:09,913 --> 01:19:11,247
- That's correct.
- That sucks!

1468
01:19:11,331 --> 01:19:14,876
<i>Did you say "big cock coming
out of your mouth sucks"?</i>

1469
01:19:14,959 --> 01:19:18,421
Enough nonsense.
Over to Brett Summers.

1470
01:19:18,630 --> 01:19:22,258
Just like the boys,
I've got "cock"!

1471
01:19:22,467 --> 01:19:26,387
Do me a favor, hold it
up so I can see your cock.

1472
01:19:26,471 --> 01:19:30,850
- Don't you have one of your own?
- There it is, cock, cock, cock.

1473
01:19:30,934 --> 01:19:35,939
We have to end this fun now.
Give yourselves a big hand.

1474
01:19:36,064 --> 01:19:38,149
- (LAUGHING)
- (CLAPPING)

1475
01:19:39,609 --> 01:19:42,528
Okay, let's have
a little music, Phil.

1476
01:19:44,280 --> 01:19:47,867
You did not have permission to do
that. I never approved that script, Howard!

1477
01:19:48,076 --> 01:19:50,286
Wait a second. Calm down, Kenny.

1478
01:19:50,370 --> 01:19:53,748
- There's a perfectly good explanation.
- I'm all ears, Howard. Let's hear.

1479
01:19:53,957 --> 01:19:56,084
I gave the script to Fred.

1480
01:19:56,167 --> 01:19:58,378
(AS NIXON) And I gave
it to Robin over there.

1481
01:19:58,461 --> 01:20:02,799
Oh, that's right. I'm sorry,
Kenny. I forgot to put it in your box.

1482
01:20:02,882 --> 01:20:05,218
There you go. Perfectly
good explanation.

1483
01:20:05,301 --> 01:20:06,528
It'll never happen again, Kenny.

1484
01:20:06,552 --> 01:20:09,472
You're right she'll never
do it again. You're fired.

1485
01:20:09,555 --> 01:20:10,556
What?

1486
01:20:11,140 --> 01:20:15,687
- Gather your things, let's go.
- Wait, she had nothing to do with it.

1487
01:20:15,770 --> 01:20:18,731
- It was all me.
- Pack up your shit. I'm not kidding.

1488
01:20:18,815 --> 01:20:22,276
You can't fire someone over
one lousy bit. You can't fire them.

1489
01:20:22,360 --> 01:20:24,028
Oh, yes, I can, Howard.

1490
01:20:24,696 --> 01:20:26,531
Robin, get the fuck out!

1491
01:20:29,951 --> 01:20:34,789
Listen to me, give me a couple of days,
I'll get you back on the air, I know it.

1492
01:20:34,872 --> 01:20:36,752
- Forget it.
- They're trying to break us apart.

1493
01:20:36,833 --> 01:20:38,001
They're trying to beat us.

1494
01:20:38,084 --> 01:20:42,213
That's the whole point. We
should quit and go somewhere else.

1495
01:20:42,296 --> 01:20:46,551
If I quit, they win. I don't
want them to win. I can't quit!

1496
01:20:46,634 --> 01:20:48,052
- You're not gonna quit?
- No.

1497
01:20:48,136 --> 01:20:49,929
You'll let them throw
me out like garbage?

1498
01:20:50,138 --> 01:20:51,806
I want to stomp
them into the ground.

1499
01:20:51,889 --> 01:20:54,642
Only way to do that
is to stay on the air.

1500
01:20:54,726 --> 01:20:59,313
- You're pathetic!
- I'm not pathetic. Give me a few days.

1501
01:20:59,397 --> 01:21:01,709
I can convince these guys to
bring you back. I know I can do that.

1502
01:21:01,733 --> 01:21:03,252
I know I can do
that. I have the ability.

1503
01:21:03,276 --> 01:21:06,112
- Fuck you!
- How can you say "fuck you"?

1504
01:21:06,195 --> 01:21:07,196
(HORN HONKS)

1505
01:21:07,280 --> 01:21:09,574
Hey move it, asshole!

1506
01:21:09,657 --> 01:21:12,302
She hates me. She thinks I'm total
scum. She thinks I'm lower than scum.

1507
01:21:12,326 --> 01:21:14,537
She thinks you're
letting her take the fall.

1508
01:21:15,288 --> 01:21:16,706
What do you think?

1509
01:21:18,332 --> 01:21:22,420
You've been loyal to everyone you've
worked with. That's the way you are.

1510
01:21:23,629 --> 01:21:25,465
You'll find a way
to get her back.

1511
01:21:26,841 --> 01:21:30,678
I feel sorry for NBC. As soon as
you start in on them, they'll be sorry

1512
01:21:30,762 --> 01:21:32,322
they ever fired her
in the first place.

1513
01:21:32,764 --> 01:21:35,391
- You're right.
- I know.

1514
01:21:36,434 --> 01:21:42,440
Howard, Fred. Meet your new
newsman, Ross Buckingham.

1515
01:21:42,523 --> 01:21:46,360
Hi. Pleasure. I'm looking
forward to joining the team.

1516
01:21:46,444 --> 01:21:48,571
Now, old Ross
here's is quite lively.

1517
01:21:48,654 --> 01:21:50,814
And he'll fit in well with
your special brand of humor.

1518
01:21:51,324 --> 01:21:55,578
As a matter of fact, I'm
an old comedy man myself.

1519
01:21:55,661 --> 01:21:58,873
I've done light comedy
in my younger years.

1520
01:21:59,082 --> 01:22:01,793
Summer stock, mostly.

1521
01:22:03,669 --> 01:22:08,758
Hundreds gathered in Central Park
this afternoon to remember John Lennon,

1522
01:22:08,966 --> 01:22:11,427
who was murdered
two years ago today.

1523
01:22:11,511 --> 01:22:14,722
- Lennon's killer...
- Let me ask you. Were you a Beatles fan?

1524
01:22:16,641 --> 01:22:18,643
Uh... yes, I... I was, once.

1525
01:22:18,726 --> 01:22:23,856
- Lennon's killer, Mark David Chapman...
- There's a guy we gotta talk about.

1526
01:22:24,065 --> 01:22:26,109
Mark David Chapman.
What do you make of him?

1527
01:22:26,317 --> 01:22:30,738
He's probably in prison right now
enjoying himself. Electrocute him!

1528
01:22:30,822 --> 01:22:32,740
<i>You gotta be with that
program, huh, Ross?</i>

1529
01:22:32,824 --> 01:22:35,743
I hope this was a good idea.

1530
01:22:35,952 --> 01:22:38,621
ROSS: <i>Uh, I think we're
supposed to have the news.</i>

1531
01:22:38,830 --> 01:22:43,000
HOWARD: <i>Forget that. Repeat after
me, "I wanna kill Mark David Chapman."</i>

1532
01:22:43,084 --> 01:22:44,293
(MUSIC PLAYS)

1533
01:22:44,377 --> 01:22:49,465
(RADIO JINGLE PLAYS) <i>66, WNBC</i>

1534
01:22:49,549 --> 01:22:53,219
Are we ready in there, Freddy
boy? We've got our next phone call.

1535
01:22:53,427 --> 01:22:56,389
- Ross, guess who's on the phone?
- I really have no idea.

1536
01:22:56,472 --> 01:22:59,267
Just take a wild guess. Do it
right off the top of your head.

1537
01:22:59,350 --> 01:23:01,144
Um...

1538
01:23:01,227 --> 01:23:03,479
This is a good one. It's
a good mystery guest.

1539
01:23:03,729 --> 01:23:04,730
Um...

1540
01:23:04,814 --> 01:23:08,693
What an ad-libber, Ross! I don't
want to put you under pressure.

1541
01:23:09,110 --> 01:23:12,280
- Hi, is this Betty Jean Rushton?
<i>- Yes, it is.</i>

1542
01:23:12,363 --> 01:23:14,282
Betty Jean, hi, it's
Howard Stern, WNBC!

1543
01:23:14,365 --> 01:23:17,577
<i>- I work with your husband, Kenny.
- Yes, Kenny's mentioned you.</i>

1544
01:23:17,660 --> 01:23:19,495
<i>Oh, I bet Kenny has.</i>

1545
01:23:19,829 --> 01:23:24,208
The reason I'm calling is your
husband has been very bitchy lately.

1546
01:23:24,292 --> 01:23:27,378
<i>I think maybe if you
gave him more sex...</i>

1547
01:23:27,461 --> 01:23:28,588
BETTY JEAN: <i>More sex?</i>

1548
01:23:28,796 --> 01:23:31,424
Yeah. He's backed up.
Isn't he backed up, Ross?

1549
01:23:31,966 --> 01:23:34,552
BETTY JEAN: <i>Yes, you
might be right about that.</i>

1550
01:23:34,635 --> 01:23:37,138
HOWARD: <i>Oh,
really? I think I am.</i>

1551
01:23:37,722 --> 01:23:41,684
- Do that again, I'll kill you!
- I need Robin, she's the anchor.

1552
01:23:41,767 --> 01:23:42,935
That's what's missing!

1553
01:23:43,019 --> 01:23:47,481
You have violated my wife! You
soiled the sanctity of my home!

1554
01:23:47,565 --> 01:23:54,530
I didn't do anything. I'd never have
called his wife if Robin was with me.

1555
01:23:54,697 --> 01:23:57,408
She's the voice of reason.
I'm struggling in there...

1556
01:23:57,491 --> 01:23:59,535
You know what you are, Stern?

1557
01:23:59,619 --> 01:24:02,121
- You're the Antichrist. Yes!
- What?

1558
01:24:02,205 --> 01:24:05,708
You are the
motherfucking Antichrist!

1559
01:24:06,459 --> 01:24:08,461
Kenny. Take it easy.

1560
01:24:15,343 --> 01:24:17,678
This is an exciting day
for us here at the studio,

1561
01:24:17,762 --> 01:24:20,848
because we have
stage star, Donna Porter.

1562
01:24:20,932 --> 01:24:23,976
She is here to talk
about life in the theater.

1563
01:24:24,101 --> 01:24:25,245
And Donna, I don't
know if you know this,

1564
01:24:25,269 --> 01:24:28,022
but our own news
guy, Ross Buckingham,

1565
01:24:28,105 --> 01:24:30,650
actually has some theater
experience as well. Don't you, Ross?

1566
01:24:30,733 --> 01:24:32,652
Do you want to
tell us about that?

1567
01:24:33,402 --> 01:24:36,280
Yes, um... I once did
some summer stock.

1568
01:24:36,364 --> 01:24:38,908
I know you're very proud of
your summer stock experience,

1569
01:24:38,991 --> 01:24:42,036
when you went on stage the very
first time, did you ever get nervous?

1570
01:24:42,411 --> 01:24:47,291
- No, I was quite comfortable.
- HOWARD: I see. That's very interesting.

1571
01:24:47,500 --> 01:24:51,921
Then, in 1926, General
Sarnoff formed NBC Radio,

1572
01:24:52,004 --> 01:24:53,881
America's first network.

1573
01:24:53,965 --> 01:24:56,884
I guess you could say
I was a little nervous

1574
01:24:56,968 --> 01:25:00,054
the first time I was ever on
stage with a 12-inch kielbasa.

1575
01:25:00,596 --> 01:25:03,474
- Now why is that?
- Can I show you?

1576
01:25:04,892 --> 01:25:07,770
Sure, we'd like to
see what you have.

1577
01:25:07,853 --> 01:25:10,940
Right now, you're getting a look at a
live broadcast of <i>The Howard Stern Show.</i>

1578
01:25:11,107 --> 01:25:14,777
Thirteen inches! You're licking
whipped cream off a kielbasa.

1579
01:25:14,860 --> 01:25:18,447
You're jamming the kielbasa
all the way down your throat!

1580
01:25:18,531 --> 01:25:19,949
Oh, my God! Look at that!

1581
01:25:20,032 --> 01:25:25,579
The entire kielbasa is going down!
She has swallowed the entire 13 inches!

1582
01:25:25,663 --> 01:25:29,417
Look at that, 13 inches,
ladies and gentlemen!

1583
01:25:29,500 --> 01:25:32,920
Wow. You gotta love that, folks!
You love that, don't you, Ross?

1584
01:25:33,170 --> 01:25:34,171
Ho-ho.

1585
01:25:34,255 --> 01:25:36,340
Ross Buckingham, have you
ever seen a woman swallow

1586
01:25:36,424 --> 01:25:38,092
an entire 13-inch kielbasa?

1587
01:25:38,175 --> 01:25:40,695
When you were in the theater,
did you ever work with a kielbasa?

1588
01:25:40,761 --> 01:25:44,515
What he did to me today
was the most unprofessional

1589
01:25:44,598 --> 01:25:47,018
and insulting
experience of my life!

1590
01:25:47,101 --> 01:25:50,187
I hold you and this station
personally responsible.

1591
01:25:50,896 --> 01:25:52,773
If you want to fire
me, fire me. Go ahead!

1592
01:25:52,857 --> 01:25:55,568
But I refuse to work with
this man one minute longer!

1593
01:25:57,862 --> 01:25:59,822
Good day.

1594
01:26:00,990 --> 01:26:04,869
Okay, it's 5:35 at
WNBC. Time for the news.

1595
01:26:04,952 --> 01:26:08,956
I'm not real good at
this, I confess, but I'll try.

1596
01:26:09,040 --> 01:26:11,208
Who the fuck are we gonna get?

1597
01:26:11,292 --> 01:26:13,753
Beats me. No one
wants to work with him.

1598
01:26:14,295 --> 01:26:17,089
Is it Monaco or Mon-a-co?

1599
01:26:17,298 --> 01:26:20,926
Monaco? That's what I thought.

1600
01:26:21,135 --> 01:26:23,220
Well, anyway, she's dead...

1601
01:26:24,180 --> 01:26:26,057
What about Kelly Landers?

1602
01:26:26,349 --> 01:26:28,976
Absolutely refuses.
Says she'd rather quit.

1603
01:26:29,185 --> 01:26:32,313
HOWARD: (ON RADIO) <i>...I have a
theory that he cut the brakes on the car.</i>

1604
01:26:32,396 --> 01:26:33,606
<i>Now, I could be crazy,</i>

1605
01:26:33,689 --> 01:26:38,277
I figure a guy married as long as
Prince Reindeer was ready for a new wife.

1606
01:26:38,361 --> 01:26:41,155
Princess Grace was beautiful,
but she was losing her looks.

1607
01:26:41,238 --> 01:26:43,282
Let's be honest. There
were bags under those eyes.

1608
01:26:43,908 --> 01:26:48,287
<i>In other news, one of Italy's
highest-ranking police officials...</i>

1609
01:26:49,038 --> 01:26:53,501
Kenny, we are one of the
biggest radio stations in America.

1610
01:26:53,584 --> 01:26:56,128
We can't just not do the news.

1611
01:26:56,837 --> 01:27:01,175
<i>My program director Pig Vomit gets
assassinated by Sicilians in Palermo.</i>

1612
01:27:01,258 --> 01:27:02,385
<i>That'd be wonderful.</i>

1613
01:27:02,468 --> 01:27:03,886
I want to pray to God right now.

1614
01:27:04,095 --> 01:27:07,181
Jesus Christ, who I
love more than anything,

1615
01:27:07,264 --> 01:27:13,854
I am begging you, please send a hitman
to the USA to kill Pig Vomit finally.

1616
01:27:13,938 --> 01:27:17,191
I love you, God. I'll do whatever
you say if you make that come true.

1617
01:27:17,274 --> 01:27:18,275
(MUSIC PLAYS)

1618
01:27:18,359 --> 01:27:21,362
(RADIO JINGLE PLAYS)
<i>Howard Stern, WNBC</i>

1619
01:27:21,821 --> 01:27:25,241
So if we bring Robin
back, you'll behave?

1620
01:27:26,283 --> 01:27:28,869
- Absolutely. Robin's my anchor.
- You can't trust him.

1621
01:27:28,953 --> 01:27:30,079
Kenny, that's not fair.

1622
01:27:30,413 --> 01:27:31,622
Quite frankly,

1623
01:27:31,705 --> 01:27:35,918
I'm a little hurt that you're so
incapable of being supportive.

1624
01:27:37,586 --> 01:27:41,966
And, Vin, please, if you hire Robin
back, I promise you won't be sorry.

1625
01:27:42,049 --> 01:27:43,634
You have my word.

1626
01:27:52,101 --> 01:27:53,436
Thank you.

1627
01:27:56,480 --> 01:27:59,859
- We hate noise, isn't that right?
- Yeah. Makes me nuts.

1628
01:28:00,067 --> 01:28:02,987
No. It's a very quiet
street. You'll like it here.

1629
01:28:03,070 --> 01:28:04,071
(RHYTHMIC KNOCK ON DOOR)

1630
01:28:04,155 --> 01:28:05,698
Excuse me.

1631
01:28:06,949 --> 01:28:09,535
You're back. I got you back!
It's a miracle of all miracles.

1632
01:28:09,618 --> 01:28:12,496
- I can't talk right now.
- Oh, hello. How are you?

1633
01:28:12,705 --> 01:28:14,498
I even got you an
office. You're all set.

1634
01:28:14,582 --> 01:28:15,742
I'm showing my apartment now.

1635
01:28:15,791 --> 01:28:19,170
You're looking at this apartment?
There are roaches the size of dogs here.

1636
01:28:19,253 --> 01:28:21,440
- I don't advise you living here.
- Excuse me for a second.

1637
01:28:21,464 --> 01:28:23,224
Take a look behind
the fireplace, you'll see!

1638
01:28:23,299 --> 01:28:25,134
Excuse me, I'll come
back and tell you...

1639
01:28:25,342 --> 01:28:27,428
What the hell do you
think you're doing?

1640
01:28:27,511 --> 01:28:29,239
Robin, you got your job.
So what's the problem?

1641
01:28:29,263 --> 01:28:32,641
The problem is, when I needed
you, you didn't stand behind me!

1642
01:28:32,725 --> 01:28:35,102
Robin, those guys are
assholes. They screwed us.

1643
01:28:35,186 --> 01:28:36,604
We've gotta get
back and beat them!

1644
01:28:36,687 --> 01:28:39,607
- We were supposed to be a team, Howard!
- We are a team, for God's sakes!

1645
01:28:39,690 --> 01:28:42,401
We're gonna be the greatest
team in the history of radio.

1646
01:28:42,610 --> 01:28:44,111
Come on, what's the big deal?

1647
01:28:44,195 --> 01:28:46,113
Look at me, Robin.

1648
01:28:47,114 --> 01:28:50,910
See this? You know what
I'm doing? I'm begging you.

1649
01:28:51,118 --> 01:28:53,954
- I'm begging you.
- I'm serious!

1650
01:28:54,038 --> 01:28:57,666
I'll kiss your feet. Look at
these yams. Look at these feet.

1651
01:28:57,875 --> 01:29:01,879
- I'm worshiping your foot.
- What are you doing?

1652
01:29:01,962 --> 01:29:05,758
- You have the most beautiful feet.
- People are looking at us.

1653
01:29:06,967 --> 01:29:09,929
- Hey, Robin, you love this, don't you?
- (GIGGLES)

1654
01:29:10,137 --> 01:29:12,418
It gives me great pleasure now
to welcome back on our show

1655
01:29:12,473 --> 01:29:15,184
the very beautiful,
multi-talented,

1656
01:29:15,267 --> 01:29:18,729
uh, vivacious, tight-sweatered,

1657
01:29:18,812 --> 01:29:21,982
beautifully big-breasted
Robin Quivers, I love her!

1658
01:29:23,067 --> 01:29:26,445
- Thank you.
- May I say you are big-breasted again?

1659
01:29:26,529 --> 01:29:28,697
- No!
- Thank God you're back.

1660
01:29:28,781 --> 01:29:30,199
'Cause the show
sucked without you.

1661
01:29:30,366 --> 01:29:32,594
Actually, I just want to say
how much I really missed you...

1662
01:29:32,618 --> 01:29:33,619
Aww.

1663
01:29:33,702 --> 01:29:34,703
That I do love you,

1664
01:29:34,787 --> 01:29:36,580
and I'm just so
glad you're back.

1665
01:29:37,331 --> 01:29:42,545
Okay, Mr. Rushton, you pick up
the phone and it rings into my booth.

1666
01:29:42,753 --> 01:29:44,547
Good. But don't answer it!

1667
01:29:44,630 --> 01:29:47,216
Immediately disconnect
Stern's microphone,

1668
01:29:47,299 --> 01:29:49,718
dump out of the delay
and go straight to a record.

1669
01:29:49,927 --> 01:29:54,056
- That will be it, sir.
- Always have a record ready to go.

1670
01:29:54,640 --> 01:29:55,849
Yes, sir.

1671
01:29:57,935 --> 01:29:59,937
This little puppy's finally
gonna get housebroken.

1672
01:30:01,855 --> 01:30:05,109
Oh, look, it's unbelievable.
The underpants are coming off.

1673
01:30:05,192 --> 01:30:08,445
The first naked lady
in the history of radio!

1674
01:30:08,529 --> 01:30:11,699
- Sans panties, sans bra!
- I am shocked.

1675
01:30:11,907 --> 01:30:14,307
So am I. This is disgraceful.
We should be taken off the air.

1676
01:30:14,493 --> 01:30:17,871
- You've finally done it.
- Ohh! Beautiful! You're a work of art.

1677
01:30:17,997 --> 01:30:19,597
- Did you know that?
- Thank you, Howard.

1678
01:30:19,623 --> 01:30:23,002
To ensure our place
in the history of radio,

1679
01:30:23,085 --> 01:30:27,423
Mandy has agreed to give
me a massage while she's nude.

1680
01:30:27,631 --> 01:30:30,175
What does a massage have
to do with making it into history?

1681
01:30:30,259 --> 01:30:32,011
Who knows? I don't
know! Massage-smage!

1682
01:30:32,094 --> 01:30:35,222
- I got to get touched.
- I can't wait, Howard.

1683
01:30:35,431 --> 01:30:38,851
I'll tell you something. I'm
not kidding. You are beautiful.

1684
01:30:38,934 --> 01:30:41,312
<i>My thoughts are in the gutter.
Understand what I mean?</i>

1685
01:30:41,520 --> 01:30:45,274
- This is the Tudor, right?
- Central hall plan. Very traditional.

1686
01:30:46,025 --> 01:30:48,819
Only reason it's for sale is
because they're divorcing.

1687
01:30:49,695 --> 01:30:53,532
Would you believe 80% of
my listings are from divorces?

1688
01:30:54,617 --> 01:30:56,052
HOWARD: <i>What do
you suggest we do here?</i>

1689
01:30:56,076 --> 01:30:59,538
Why don't you come lay
over here and get comfortable?

1690
01:30:59,622 --> 01:31:03,584
I can do that, all
right. I can't believe it!

1691
01:31:03,792 --> 01:31:05,878
Don't hurt yourself
getting there!

1692
01:31:05,961 --> 01:31:10,090
I won't. All right, hold on a
second. Let me get my cans on.

1693
01:31:10,299 --> 01:31:12,509
Okay. Ooh, you know
what? You know...

1694
01:31:12,593 --> 01:31:15,596
Oh, man, let me soak you
in! Holy cow, are you naked!

1695
01:31:15,804 --> 01:31:18,015
- Know what I like about you?
- What?

1696
01:31:18,098 --> 01:31:21,644
You're the perfect height for
sex standing up! Look at that. Ooh.

1697
01:31:21,852 --> 01:31:24,146
- ROBIN: Howard! You're married!
- What?

1698
01:31:24,355 --> 01:31:27,149
I am? I mean, I am! Well,
I am not married any more.

1699
01:31:27,232 --> 01:31:28,484
What do you mean?

1700
01:31:28,567 --> 01:31:29,836
Uh... Take a seat. I'll
tell you what happened.

1701
01:31:29,860 --> 01:31:30,962
My wife was
suffering from cancer,

1702
01:31:30,986 --> 01:31:32,464
I never told you this
and she died last night.

1703
01:31:32,488 --> 01:31:34,698
I've been single
for exactly six hours.

1704
01:31:34,782 --> 01:31:37,576
Honey, if you're up there
now, I know you can hear me.

1705
01:31:37,660 --> 01:31:40,454
And you're at God's side. I want
you to cover your ears and eyes.

1706
01:31:40,537 --> 01:31:42,039
Besides, you're
married to God now.

1707
01:31:42,164 --> 01:31:47,086
- Your husband's quite a character.
- Only on the radio. It's just an act.

1708
01:31:47,920 --> 01:31:51,173
<i>Oh, oh... that's nice. No one's
ever touched me like this before.</i>

1709
01:31:51,256 --> 01:31:55,135
You've the look of love in your
eyes, but I'm an ugly man. I know this.

1710
01:31:55,344 --> 01:31:57,721
You couldn't be physically
attracted to me, could you?

1711
01:31:57,805 --> 01:31:59,139
Physically, I am.

1712
01:31:59,223 --> 01:32:01,558
You're smart, you're sexy.

1713
01:32:01,642 --> 01:32:03,644
Wait. Excuse me
for a minute, Robin!

1714
01:32:03,727 --> 01:32:07,564
- I didn't say a thing!
- Robin, go and get some lunch.

1715
01:32:07,773 --> 01:32:09,292
Yeah, go ahead and
tell me more about me.

1716
01:32:09,316 --> 01:32:10,317
You're funny.

1717
01:32:10,401 --> 01:32:14,238
- You know what I'd do to you physically?
- What would you do?

1718
01:32:14,321 --> 01:32:17,866
I don't know, but whatever
it is, it'd last three seconds!

1719
01:32:18,742 --> 01:32:20,119
Three seconds, I'd be finished.

1720
01:32:20,202 --> 01:32:25,332
<i>- We'd have sex ten times a day.
- I want to wrap my legs around you.</i>

1721
01:32:29,753 --> 01:32:32,381
The average radio listener
listens for 18 minutes.

1722
01:32:32,464 --> 01:32:33,465
Mm-hmm.

1723
01:32:33,549 --> 01:32:36,510
The average Howard Stern fan
listens for, are you ready for this?

1724
01:32:36,593 --> 01:32:39,680
- An hour and 20 minutes!
- How can that be?

1725
01:32:39,763 --> 01:32:43,475
Answer most commonly given,
"I wanna see what he'll say next."

1726
01:32:43,684 --> 01:32:45,185
All right. Okay, fine.

1727
01:32:45,310 --> 01:32:47,396
But what about the
people who hate Stern?

1728
01:32:47,479 --> 01:32:48,480
Good point.

1729
01:32:48,564 --> 01:32:52,818
The average Stern hater listens
for two and a half hours a day.

1730
01:32:55,195 --> 01:32:58,407
But if they hate him,
why do they listen?

1731
01:32:58,615 --> 01:33:01,452
Most common answer, "I
wanna see what he'll say next."

1732
01:33:01,535 --> 01:33:03,078
- Kenny...
- What?

1733
01:33:03,662 --> 01:33:05,789
You better listen to this.

1734
01:33:05,998 --> 01:33:10,294
HOWARD: <i>Wanna know something?
Come here, I wanna tell you closer.</i>

1735
01:33:11,170 --> 01:33:14,548
<i>- I am fully aroused. Totally engorged.</i>
- Oh, my God!

1736
01:33:14,757 --> 01:33:17,968
WOMAN: <i>Well, after the show,
we can go somewhere else...</i>

1737
01:33:18,927 --> 01:33:20,512
HOWARD: <i>Really? That's great!</i>

1738
01:33:20,721 --> 01:33:22,556
You know why I love
you? 'Cause you're smart.

1739
01:33:22,639 --> 01:33:24,784
- And you're practically a virgin, right?
- Practically!

1740
01:33:24,808 --> 01:33:26,435
(BUZZER BUZZING LOUDLY)

1741
01:33:26,643 --> 01:33:28,395
HOWARD: Stop that!

1742
01:33:29,563 --> 01:33:32,149
I'll be honest with you,
I've never said this before.

1743
01:33:32,232 --> 01:33:33,233
(MUSIC PLAYS)

1744
01:33:33,317 --> 01:33:36,612
I'm a full two and a half
inches... What's the music?

1745
01:33:36,820 --> 01:33:39,448
- We're off the air.
- Are we off the air?

1746
01:33:39,573 --> 01:33:40,574
Oh.

1747
01:33:40,657 --> 01:33:44,077
Do me a favor and just stay
right there. What's going on?

1748
01:33:44,161 --> 01:33:47,372
- What are you doing, man?
- Rushton told me, this phone rings...

1749
01:33:47,456 --> 01:33:49,333
Oh, come on, man!
Don't listen to Kenny.

1750
01:33:49,958 --> 01:33:51,210
I'm just doing what he told me.

1751
01:33:51,293 --> 01:33:53,772
Shit, you don't take me off the
air in the middle of a fucking bit!

1752
01:33:53,796 --> 01:33:57,090
- Don't listen to Kenny, listen to me!
- He's the boss!

1753
01:33:57,174 --> 01:33:58,383
Forget it!

1754
01:33:58,467 --> 01:34:01,428
Can you believe this?
What the hell are they doing?

1755
01:34:03,388 --> 01:34:06,391
Yeah. Hi. Can I speak to
Kenny? It's Howard from the studio.

1756
01:34:06,600 --> 01:34:09,520
Robin, just hold him on the
line. Just keep him on the line.

1757
01:34:09,603 --> 01:34:13,273
Fred, get me back on the air.
Patch the phone call onto the air.

1758
01:34:13,357 --> 01:34:15,359
As soon as you can!

1759
01:34:15,734 --> 01:34:17,486
Fuck, man!

1760
01:34:21,240 --> 01:34:23,325
Patch it in.

1761
01:34:23,450 --> 01:34:24,785
(YELLING) I said patch it in!

1762
01:34:28,664 --> 01:34:32,292
- Yes, Robin, he's here right now.
- Can I have the phone, please?

1763
01:34:33,001 --> 01:34:35,546
- Hi, Robin. Are we back on the air?
<i>- Yeah, everybody can hear.</i>

1764
01:34:35,754 --> 01:34:37,631
I'm outside Pig Vomit's office.

1765
01:34:37,714 --> 01:34:40,551
- I'll knock on his door. Pig Vomit!
<i>- All right.</i>

1766
01:34:40,634 --> 01:34:45,389
Come on, Kenny, open up!
Why did he cut my show off?

1767
01:34:45,597 --> 01:34:47,891
- Mr. Stern, he's in a meeting.
- He's in a meeting?

1768
01:34:48,100 --> 01:34:51,186
What meeting is more important than
my show? He took the show off the air.

1769
01:34:51,270 --> 01:34:54,731
Why did you take the show
off the air for, Pig Vomit?

1770
01:34:54,940 --> 01:35:00,320
- This isn't funny, Howard.
- It is funny. How would you know?

1771
01:35:00,529 --> 01:35:04,658
- Don't bring that in.
- I don't see anybody in the meeting.

1772
01:35:04,867 --> 01:35:09,162
I gotta go? Why? Explain to my audience
why you had to shut down the show.

1773
01:35:09,246 --> 01:35:12,374
- I don't answer to you.
- You do, scumbag!

1774
01:35:12,583 --> 01:35:14,668
- I'm your boss! I'm your boss!
- Let's go.

1775
01:35:14,751 --> 01:35:15,752
Hey, what's this?

1776
01:35:15,836 --> 01:35:18,005
Robin, it's everybody's
salary on his desk.

1777
01:35:18,130 --> 01:35:19,840
Get out! God damn
it, get out of here!

1778
01:35:19,965 --> 01:35:23,302
He hit me, Robin! I'm
gonna hit you back!

1779
01:35:23,385 --> 01:35:24,428
ROBIN: <i>Hit him back!</i>

1780
01:35:24,595 --> 01:35:25,888
I hit him back!

1781
01:35:25,971 --> 01:35:28,807
You're not getting the
phone from me, Kenny!

1782
01:35:28,974 --> 01:35:30,183
- No!
- Oh!

1783
01:35:30,267 --> 01:35:34,688
Oh, my God, he just hit
himself in the face! He's bleeding!

1784
01:35:37,232 --> 01:35:38,233
Oh!

1785
01:35:38,317 --> 01:35:41,278
- ROBIN: <i>What's going on?</i>
- Vin just got hit by Kenny.

1786
01:35:41,361 --> 01:35:44,406
Goddamn it, Stern!
You see that? Blood!

1787
01:35:44,615 --> 01:35:46,950
- Are you okay?
- No!

1788
01:35:47,159 --> 01:35:49,870
- It wasn't my fault. I just came in...
- I'll sue your ass!

1789
01:35:49,995 --> 01:35:51,204
Get out of here!

1790
01:35:51,288 --> 01:35:52,414
(VOICES OVERLAPPING)

1791
01:35:52,915 --> 01:35:57,711
<i>Our first guest tonight is the afternoon
drive-time disc jockey at WNBC Radio</i>

1792
01:35:57,794 --> 01:36:02,549
<i>here in New York City. Ladies and
gentlemen, please welcome Howard Stern.</i>

1793
01:36:02,674 --> 01:36:03,926
<i>Howard!</i>

1794
01:36:04,301 --> 01:36:05,886
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

1795
01:36:11,725 --> 01:36:13,060
<i>Have a seat.</i>

1796
01:36:13,852 --> 01:36:18,440
<i>Now, uh, Howard, you know... I
admire you. I love what you do.</i>

1797
01:36:18,649 --> 01:36:21,568
<i>I think you're a pioneer on the
cutting edge of radio entertainment.</i>

1798
01:36:21,652 --> 01:36:26,823
<i>You and I both work for NBC. You
have the radio show, I have the TV show.</i>

1799
01:36:26,907 --> 01:36:29,409
<i>How do you get along with the
folks? Enjoying the experience?</i>

1800
01:36:29,493 --> 01:36:33,413
<i>I hate it at NBC. It's
the worst. It sucks.</i>

1801
01:36:33,497 --> 01:36:35,749
<i>All the management at
NBC, a bunch of creeps!</i>

1802
01:36:35,832 --> 01:36:37,584
<i>And I'm not afraid
to say it right now.</i>

1803
01:36:37,668 --> 01:36:41,964
<i>And it's funny, because I know
you feel the same exact way I do.</i>

1804
01:36:42,130 --> 01:36:44,883
<i>You told me on the phone
personally last week that you do!</i>

1805
01:36:45,008 --> 01:36:47,302
<i>Couldn't be happier.
Everything is fine.</i>

1806
01:36:47,386 --> 01:36:48,626
<i>I don't understand them at all.</i>

1807
01:36:48,762 --> 01:36:51,264
<i>Now, Howard, let's get back to
the issue of them being creepy.</i>

1808
01:36:51,348 --> 01:36:52,708
<i>Now, when you
say they're creep...</i>

1809
01:36:54,476 --> 01:36:58,438
He makes us sound like idiots on
the radio and criticizes us on television.

1810
01:36:58,522 --> 01:37:02,859
- I thought you were gonna control him!
- Oh, well, we are, sir.

1811
01:37:02,943 --> 01:37:06,154
In fact, we're designing a
more restrictive program...

1812
01:37:06,238 --> 01:37:08,991
Shut up! How are his numbers?

1813
01:37:09,074 --> 01:37:11,952
The official ratings don't
come out until tomorrow.

1814
01:37:12,035 --> 01:37:14,871
But we've got some projections.

1815
01:37:15,664 --> 01:37:22,462
Stern has gone
from a 2.9 to a 5.6.

1816
01:37:23,463 --> 01:37:24,464
(CHOKING)

1817
01:37:25,924 --> 01:37:27,843
He's number one in the market.

1818
01:37:28,969 --> 01:37:30,762
He's the hottest DJ in New York.

1819
01:37:31,138 --> 01:37:32,139
(COUGH)

1820
01:37:32,222 --> 01:37:34,599
Kind of weird, you know?

1821
01:37:34,683 --> 01:37:40,147
I thought there was a mistake or
something, but, mm-mmm... No.

1822
01:37:41,231 --> 01:37:44,191
My girlfriends think I'm crazy for
letting you behave like that on the air.

1823
01:37:44,234 --> 01:37:45,819
What are you talking about?

1824
01:37:45,902 --> 01:37:49,031
It's those <i>yentas</i> you hang around
with. They're... They're driving you crazy.

1825
01:37:49,114 --> 01:37:51,742
It's not <i>yentas,</i> it's everybody.

1826
01:37:51,825 --> 01:37:55,162
I can't even get my hair done
without people looking at me like,

1827
01:37:55,245 --> 01:37:56,872
"Oh, God, that
poor little thing."

1828
01:37:56,955 --> 01:38:01,501
- Then go to a different hair shop!
- Please. It's not that.

1829
01:38:01,626 --> 01:38:03,503
- It's crazy. Don't go there.
- It's not that!

1830
01:38:03,587 --> 01:38:06,339
No wonder they think you're
sleeping around, look at me!

1831
01:38:06,423 --> 01:38:09,217
- What about you?
- I'm disgusting!

1832
01:38:09,384 --> 01:38:13,972
- I look like a house! Like an elephant!
- You look beautiful.

1833
01:38:14,056 --> 01:38:18,018
You don't look like an
elephant. You look gorgeous.

1834
01:38:18,101 --> 01:38:21,021
This is the most beautiful you've
ever looked. You're carrying our baby.

1835
01:38:22,481 --> 01:38:25,442
Let's sit down on this couch.
The problem is you're tired.

1836
01:38:25,567 --> 01:38:27,694
I am tired.

1837
01:38:33,700 --> 01:38:36,912
(WHISPERING) Look
at this. It's beautiful.

1838
01:38:38,288 --> 01:38:41,249
It's beautiful.
You're beautiful.

1839
01:38:42,626 --> 01:38:46,463
You know it though, don't you?

1840
01:38:46,797 --> 01:38:47,798
(DOORBELL BUZZES)

1841
01:38:48,757 --> 01:38:52,302
- Who would come here?
- I don't know.

1842
01:38:54,721 --> 01:38:55,722
(DOORBELL BUZZES)

1843
01:38:55,806 --> 01:38:56,807
I don't want to get that.

1844
01:38:56,890 --> 01:38:58,141
- (DOORBELL BUZZES)
- Oh.

1845
01:38:58,350 --> 01:39:02,354
- Okay, I'll get the door. Don't go away.
- Okay.

1846
01:39:05,649 --> 01:39:06,650
(DOORBELL BUZZES)

1847
01:39:08,151 --> 01:39:09,903
- Howdy, partner.
- Oh, hey, Kenny.

1848
01:39:09,986 --> 01:39:11,547
- How you doing?
- Can I come in just for a second?

1849
01:39:11,571 --> 01:39:14,741
- It's a bad time.
- Real quick. Listen.

1850
01:39:14,825 --> 01:39:15,992
I wanna tell you something.

1851
01:39:16,076 --> 01:39:17,619
You've won.

1852
01:39:17,702 --> 01:39:21,581
When the new ratings come out
tomorrow, you are going to be number one.

1853
01:39:21,665 --> 01:39:25,085
A point and a half higher
than Imus. You've slayed him.

1854
01:39:25,168 --> 01:39:26,229
You understand me? (CHUCKLES)

1855
01:39:26,253 --> 01:39:29,965
- Great news. Thanks, Kenny. I gotta go.
- Howard! Howard! Howard, listen...

1856
01:39:30,173 --> 01:39:34,219
I've been a real pain in the
butt, but that's all over with now.

1857
01:39:34,427 --> 01:39:36,596
You're gonna need
a friend on the inside.

1858
01:39:36,680 --> 01:39:40,976
I'm gonna do everything I can
for you. How's that sound, partner?

1859
01:39:42,644 --> 01:39:43,812
Fuck you.

1860
01:39:45,856 --> 01:39:46,857
(CHEERING)

1861
01:39:46,940 --> 01:39:49,776
<i>People of New
York, people of Earth,</i>

1862
01:39:49,860 --> 01:39:52,946
<i>we are gathered here
today in praise of me!</i>

1863
01:39:53,405 --> 01:39:55,198
(CHEERING)

1864
01:39:56,283 --> 01:39:59,077
<i>Man, this is a
great day in my life.</i>

1865
01:39:59,161 --> 01:40:02,998
<i>I've been dreaming of
this day forever! Thank you.</i>

1866
01:40:03,206 --> 01:40:04,499
<i>Thanks!</i>

1867
01:40:05,625 --> 01:40:09,421
<i>When I got to NBC, they
treated me like I was a jerk.</i>

1868
01:40:09,504 --> 01:40:13,175
<i>They did everything to sabotage
me, but because of you...</i>

1869
01:40:13,258 --> 01:40:14,259
(CHEERING)

1870
01:40:14,342 --> 01:40:20,223
<i>Because of you, I am now the number
one disc jockey in New York. Thank you.</i>

1871
01:40:20,307 --> 01:40:22,309
<i>I love you for that. I love you.</i>

1872
01:40:22,893 --> 01:40:24,186
<i>Thank you!</i>

1873
01:40:25,228 --> 01:40:28,899
<i>This is my gift to you,
New York! AC/DC!</i>

1874
01:40:30,066 --> 01:40:32,736
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

1875
01:41:03,475 --> 01:41:06,937
- How, my water broke.
- What?

1876
01:41:07,145 --> 01:41:09,356
My water broke!

1877
01:41:11,399 --> 01:41:13,777
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)

1878
01:41:17,572 --> 01:41:19,824
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

1879
01:41:43,139 --> 01:41:45,475
(TIRES SCREECH)

1880
01:41:45,558 --> 01:41:47,143
(SIREN WAILS)

1881
01:41:47,227 --> 01:41:48,603
How!

1882
01:41:48,687 --> 01:41:52,148
- Now, push, push!
- No, don't push. Just breathe deeply.

1883
01:41:52,357 --> 01:41:56,319
- Don't push honey. Ice chips.
- Fuck ice chips, How!

1884
01:41:57,988 --> 01:42:00,824
We named her Emily,
7 pounds, 8 ounces.

1885
01:42:00,907 --> 01:42:02,951
She was incredibly
beautiful. Really nice.

1886
01:42:03,159 --> 01:42:04,703
You must've felt fabulous.

1887
01:42:04,786 --> 01:42:07,247
Yeah. I had everything I'd
ever wanted in life, you know.

1888
01:42:07,455 --> 01:42:12,377
You know, I have to admit that
I'm not a big fan of yours. In fact...

1889
01:42:12,460 --> 01:42:15,672
You thought I was a
disgusting, sexist, racist pig,

1890
01:42:15,797 --> 01:42:18,258
who had the maturity level
of a three-year-old, right?

1891
01:42:18,591 --> 01:42:21,344
- Yeah, exactly.
- Yeah, I get that all the time.

1892
01:42:21,428 --> 01:42:23,596
But then you know what happens?

1893
01:42:23,680 --> 01:42:27,017
- What?
- I grow on you like a fungus.

1894
01:42:27,225 --> 01:42:28,435
(GIGGLES)

1895
01:42:29,269 --> 01:42:31,229
I can see that.

1896
01:42:34,524 --> 01:42:39,029
I have to tell you, this has
been a really great flight.

1897
01:42:39,237 --> 01:42:40,947
Really?

1898
01:42:41,740 --> 01:42:42,741
Mm-hmm.

1899
01:42:44,701 --> 01:42:50,123
I could get this girl. I know I could.
And this is the hell that's my life.

1900
01:42:50,332 --> 01:42:53,043
Think about it. What would it
be like to have sex with her?

1901
01:42:53,168 --> 01:42:54,544
It would be amazing!

1902
01:42:54,794 --> 01:42:58,048
But I'm not gonna act
on it. You know why?

1903
01:42:58,256 --> 01:43:01,593
Because I'm a schmuck.
No, because I love Alison.

1904
01:43:02,719 --> 01:43:06,890
She stuck with me through the
whole thing. You gotta respect that.

1905
01:43:07,557 --> 01:43:09,559
I think you have
to respect that.

1906
01:43:14,356 --> 01:43:16,149
You have to respect that.

1907
01:43:21,905 --> 01:43:24,366
- Hey, everybody!
- GIRLS: Daddy!

1908
01:43:24,532 --> 01:43:25,658
Boy, did I miss you!

1909
01:43:25,742 --> 01:43:28,203
(KISSES)

1910
01:43:28,286 --> 01:43:30,163
Let's go say hi to Mommy.

1911
01:43:30,372 --> 01:43:35,043
Hi. You miss me? Hi,
honey. I missed you.

1912
01:43:35,251 --> 01:43:37,295
Gloria! Honey, Gloria.

1913
01:43:37,504 --> 01:43:42,884
Gloria, honey. Maybe the two of you'd
like to have a <i>ménage à trois</i> tonight?

1914
01:43:43,093 --> 01:43:45,136
Huh. You know what?
Maybe some other time.

1915
01:43:45,220 --> 01:43:48,139
- Just trying. See you, Gloria.
- Yeah, I know.

1916
01:43:48,223 --> 01:43:51,351
HOWARD: <i>So, occasionally I
make a fool of myself in public,</i>

1917
01:43:51,434 --> 01:43:52,936
<i>and the FCC
wants me off the air,</i>

1918
01:43:53,019 --> 01:43:56,064
<i>and every fundamentalist group
in this country hates my guts.</i>

1919
01:43:56,272 --> 01:44:00,110
<i>And, yeah, most of the
things I do are misunderstood.</i>

1920
01:44:00,318 --> 01:44:04,697
<i>After all, being misunderstood is
the fate of all true geniuses, is it not?</i>

1921
01:44:04,906 --> 01:44:07,826
<i>But my life isn't bad
at all. I'm still on the air.</i>

1922
01:44:08,034 --> 01:44:11,079
<i>I've got my kids.
And I've got Alison.</i>

1923
01:44:11,287 --> 01:44:14,207
<i>Alison, she's the best
friend I could ever have.</i>

1924
01:44:14,290 --> 01:44:18,169
<i>Who knows? With a
little time, the right energy,</i>

1925
01:44:18,378 --> 01:44:20,880
<i>I think I could talk her
into some hot lesbo action.</i>

1926
01:44:22,715 --> 01:44:24,801
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

1927
01:44:28,805 --> 01:44:31,525
- STUTTERING JOHN: <i>The movie's over?</i>
- MAN: <i>Well yeah, it's bullshit!</i>

1928
01:44:31,641 --> 01:44:34,978
Know who I am? Stuttering John. You
know why I'm pissed? I'll tell you why.

1929
01:44:35,186 --> 01:44:37,772
I get up at 5:00 a.m. every
morning to work for Howard,

1930
01:44:37,856 --> 01:44:40,942
pissing off every publicist, burning
every freakin' bridge in the industry,

1931
01:44:41,025 --> 01:44:44,571
and (STUTTERS) you'd think Howard
would put me in this movie, but he doesn't!

1932
01:44:44,654 --> 01:44:46,156
No, he doesn't!
I'm not in the movie!

1933
01:44:46,239 --> 01:44:48,283
I've been here for eight
years cutting his potato,

1934
01:44:48,366 --> 01:44:51,578
getting smacked by Morton Downey,
punched in the nose by Raquel Welch.

1935
01:44:51,786 --> 01:44:54,789
What do I get? Fucking nothing!
I'm not even in this fucking movie!

1936
01:44:54,873 --> 01:44:56,207
He says I'll be in the sequel.

1937
01:44:56,291 --> 01:44:59,794
What sequel? If the movie sucks...
(STUTTERS) There won't even be a sequel!

1938
01:45:00,170 --> 01:45:02,297
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)

1939
01:45:23,485 --> 01:45:25,945
ANNOUNCER: <i>Ladies
and gentlemen, Mia Farrow.</i>

1940
01:45:26,029 --> 01:45:27,739
(APPLAUSE)

1941
01:45:27,822 --> 01:45:30,533
Thank you. Thank you.

1942
01:45:31,451 --> 01:45:36,456
The nominees for Best
Actor are Harrison Ford...

1943
01:45:36,873 --> 01:45:37,874
(APPLAUSE)

1944
01:45:38,625 --> 01:45:41,711
Denzel Washington... (APPLAUSE)

1945
01:45:41,836 --> 01:45:44,964
Robert De Niro... (APPLAUSE)

1946
01:45:46,758 --> 01:45:49,844
Tom Hanks... (APPLAUSE)

1947
01:45:50,428 --> 01:45:52,263
Howard Stern.

1948
01:45:52,388 --> 01:45:53,389
(SILENCE)

1949
01:45:54,224 --> 01:45:56,184
And the winner is...

1950
01:45:57,352 --> 01:45:59,145
Howard Stern.

1951
01:45:59,354 --> 01:46:00,355
(MURMURING)

1952
01:46:01,189 --> 01:46:03,024
(TRUMPET FANFARE)

1953
01:46:06,152 --> 01:46:07,153
It's me!

1954
01:46:07,237 --> 01:46:08,238
(SNAP)

1955
01:46:08,321 --> 01:46:09,322
(GASPING)

1956
01:46:14,494 --> 01:46:16,454
(CROWD CHEERING)

1957
01:46:19,791 --> 01:46:21,876
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

1958
01:47:22,687 --> 01:47:25,523
I bear no grudge
against Howard Stern.

1959
01:47:25,732 --> 01:47:30,028
He's been very
successful. God bless him.

1960
01:47:30,236 --> 01:47:32,739
But I ain't done
too badly myself.

1961
01:47:32,822 --> 01:47:33,823
Uh...

1962
01:47:34,157 --> 01:47:37,910
I manage a shopping mall
down in Florence, Alabama.

1963
01:47:37,994 --> 01:47:42,624
It's the number one mall in Colbert
County and number four in the state.

1964
01:47:42,790 --> 01:47:44,834
So it's not too bad. Uh...

1965
01:47:44,917 --> 01:47:48,338
I play golf several
times a week, you know.

1966
01:47:48,504 --> 01:47:49,505
Uh...

1967
01:47:49,964 --> 01:47:54,677
But I tell you, if Howard
would've listened to me,

1968
01:47:54,886 --> 01:47:57,263
I'd still be up there in radio.

1969
01:47:58,681 --> 01:48:02,769
- Still be doing radio, you know.
- (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)

1970
01:48:02,852 --> 01:48:04,812
How about that?

1971
01:48:07,690 --> 01:48:10,610
That goddamn
motherfucker, you know?

1972
01:48:10,735 --> 01:48:11,736
(JACKHAMMER DRILLING)

1973
01:48:11,986 --> 01:48:13,464
- I tried every... thing...
- (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)

1974
01:48:13,488 --> 01:48:14,840
- I could... think of...
- (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)

1975
01:48:14,864 --> 01:48:17,033
To mold him into
a proper kind of DJ.

1976
01:48:17,241 --> 01:48:20,119
- But that...
- (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)

1977
01:48:21,954 --> 01:48:24,332
I tell you, Howard Stern, man.

1978
01:48:24,415 --> 01:48:25,517
- That mother...
- (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)

1979
01:48:25,541 --> 01:48:28,336
(SIREN WAILING)

1980
01:48:29,420 --> 01:48:32,173
I'll say that with
no shame either.

1981
01:48:32,799 --> 01:48:34,467
- The man's a...
- (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)

1982
01:48:35,385 --> 01:48:39,764
Foul-mouthed, immature...
The man's immature, you know.

1983
01:48:40,056 --> 01:48:42,475
- He's like a... child.
- (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)

1984
01:48:43,351 --> 01:48:45,019
I'll tell you this much.

1985
01:48:45,103 --> 01:48:49,023
There ain't no God while
Howard Stern's walking the Earth.

1986
01:48:49,107 --> 01:48:50,942
- (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)
- I gotta go.

1987
01:48:54,987 --> 01:48:57,323
How about that?
Howard Stern, huh?

1988
01:48:58,783 --> 01:49:01,828
Howard Stern can
kiss my ass in hell!

1989
01:49:03,454 --> 01:49:05,873
(JACKHAMMER DRILLING)