1 00:00:01,582 --> 00:00:03,124 Last time on my wife and kids... 2 00:00:03,124 --> 00:00:05,216 I really love being a parent, 3 00:00:05,216 --> 00:00:08,549 But it's gonna be so wonderful once they leave home. 4 00:00:08,549 --> 00:00:11,592 Which one of them are you gonna miss the least? 5 00:00:11,592 --> 00:00:15,226 [ Hip-hop music ] 6 00:00:15,226 --> 00:00:16,937 Claire and I have decided to have sexual intercourse. 7 00:00:16,937 --> 00:00:18,399 You son of a-- 8 00:00:18,399 --> 00:00:20,351 Michael! 9 00:00:20,351 --> 00:00:23,404 Daddy wants you to show me exactly what you did in that bathroom. 10 00:00:23,404 --> 00:00:26,107 No! No! Not-- 11 00:00:26,107 --> 00:00:28,569 [ Celtic music playing ] 12 00:00:32,453 --> 00:00:35,206 What the hell is wrong with this boy?! 13 00:00:35,206 --> 00:00:36,957 I've decided to go to college. 14 00:00:36,957 --> 00:00:38,959 Jay: baby! 15 00:00:38,959 --> 00:00:41,582 And guess what? I've already been accepted at two schools! 16 00:00:41,582 --> 00:00:43,464 Oh! 17 00:00:46,377 --> 00:00:48,929 Yeah, well, there's no question about it-- 18 00:00:48,929 --> 00:00:51,132 Junior has given us the most trouble. 19 00:00:51,132 --> 00:00:52,933 And the most laughs. 20 00:00:52,933 --> 00:00:54,555 The boy's got a good heart. 21 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:56,887 He got a hard-ass head, though. 22 00:00:56,887 --> 00:00:58,729 Ow! Ow! 23 00:00:58,729 --> 00:01:00,060 Ow! 24 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,443 [ Whistling ] 25 00:01:02,443 --> 00:01:03,564 Ow! 26 00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:04,775 [ Whistles ] 27 00:01:04,775 --> 00:01:06,817 Ow! 28 00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:08,239 What was that for? 29 00:01:08,239 --> 00:01:10,070 I just like the way that sounds. 30 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,822 [ Both laugh ] 31 00:01:11,822 --> 00:01:14,655 Good times, good stuff. 32 00:01:14,655 --> 00:01:16,457 Okay, so you're not looking forward 33 00:01:16,457 --> 00:01:18,289 To having the house to yourself. 34 00:01:18,289 --> 00:01:20,331 You think the kids are gonna be here forever? 35 00:01:20,331 --> 00:01:22,663 Uh...no. 36 00:01:22,663 --> 00:01:26,006 Michael, do you know how often you say, "uh...no"? 37 00:01:26,006 --> 00:01:28,799 Uh...no. Uh...no. 38 00:01:28,799 --> 00:01:31,011 Uh...no. 39 00:01:31,011 --> 00:01:33,674 Uh... 40 00:01:33,674 --> 00:01:35,095 No. 41 00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:37,138 Uh... 42 00:01:38,809 --> 00:01:40,981 No! 43 00:01:40,981 --> 00:01:43,354 Hold on. I'm coming, I'm coming. 44 00:01:43,354 --> 00:01:44,565 Uh...no. 45 00:01:44,565 --> 00:01:46,317 Hold this. 46 00:01:46,317 --> 00:01:48,028 Uh...no. 47 00:01:48,028 --> 00:01:49,400 [ Cell phone rings ] 48 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:50,401 Hello? 49 00:01:50,401 --> 00:01:51,572 Uh...no. 50 00:01:51,572 --> 00:01:54,155 Uh... 51 00:01:54,155 --> 00:01:55,156 No. 52 00:01:55,156 --> 00:01:56,157 Uh... Uh... 53 00:01:56,157 --> 00:01:57,198 Uh... Uh... 54 00:01:57,198 --> 00:01:58,199 Uh... Uh... 55 00:01:58,199 --> 00:01:59,540 No. No. 56 00:01:59,540 --> 00:02:01,041 Uh... Uh-huh. 57 00:02:01,041 --> 00:02:02,453 Uh... Well... 58 00:02:02,453 --> 00:02:04,375 Bring it, bring it, bring it. 59 00:02:04,375 --> 00:02:08,299 Uh...uh...uh...no. 60 00:02:08,299 --> 00:02:12,423 Did you just say, "uh...uh... 61 00:02:12,423 --> 00:02:14,965 Bring it, bring it, bring it. 62 00:02:14,965 --> 00:02:19,260 Uh...uh...uh...no"? 63 00:02:19,260 --> 00:02:20,681 Uh... 64 00:02:21,932 --> 00:02:24,395 Uh...uh... 65 00:02:24,395 --> 00:02:25,646 Uh... 66 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:28,569 Uh...uh...uh... 67 00:02:28,569 --> 00:02:34,034 Uh...uh...uh...uh... Uh...uh...uh...uh... 68 00:02:41,832 --> 00:02:44,205 Uh...no. 69 00:02:44,205 --> 00:02:46,337 [ Laughs ] 70 00:02:55,055 --> 00:02:58,639 Okay, so I have a minor glitch--a verbal tick. 71 00:02:58,639 --> 00:02:59,760 What about you? 72 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:01,602 What about me? 73 00:03:01,602 --> 00:03:04,064 Oh, you have a couple of flaws, too, now. 74 00:03:04,064 --> 00:03:05,806 Flaws? Like what? 75 00:03:05,806 --> 00:03:08,439 Well, first of all, you're obsessed with your weight, 76 00:03:08,439 --> 00:03:11,482 You're overly competitive, you're moody, emotional, 77 00:03:11,482 --> 00:03:13,904 And sometimes you break into song and dance 78 00:03:13,904 --> 00:03:14,945 For no apparent reason. 79 00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:17,908 Did you just call me fat? 80 00:03:17,908 --> 00:03:19,410 Who likes chocolate? 81 00:03:19,410 --> 00:03:20,621 Me, me, me, me! 82 00:03:20,621 --> 00:03:22,373 Mom, your diet! Your diet! 83 00:03:24,785 --> 00:03:26,166 Aah! Aah! 84 00:03:26,166 --> 00:03:27,288 I've missed you! 85 00:03:27,288 --> 00:03:30,461 Aah! 86 00:03:30,461 --> 00:03:32,543 Sorry, baby. You all right? 87 00:03:32,543 --> 00:03:35,676 Yeah, I'm cool. I'm cool. 88 00:03:35,676 --> 00:03:40,100 Give me a big hug! Give me a hug! 89 00:03:40,100 --> 00:03:44,104 Oh, god! I missed you so much! 90 00:03:44,104 --> 00:03:47,187 Come on. 91 00:03:52,313 --> 00:03:53,854 [ Both laughing ] 92 00:03:53,854 --> 00:03:55,526 Honey, are you coming to bed? 93 00:03:55,526 --> 00:03:57,157 I'm waiting for you. 94 00:03:57,157 --> 00:03:59,740 Oh, yeah, baby, I'll be there in a minute. 95 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,532 You just keep my side warm. 96 00:04:01,532 --> 00:04:04,915 I'll do better than that. I'll make it hot. 97 00:04:08,128 --> 00:04:11,292 You lucky dog! 98 00:04:11,292 --> 00:04:13,173 Honey... 99 00:04:15,716 --> 00:04:17,968 When you coming to bed? 100 00:04:17,968 --> 00:04:20,971 Oh, in about an hour. 101 00:04:20,971 --> 00:04:22,383 Sometimes, michael, 102 00:04:22,383 --> 00:04:25,225 You just got to grab them by the shoulders, 103 00:04:25,225 --> 00:04:28,729 Look them lovingly in the eye, then shake them real hard 104 00:04:28,729 --> 00:04:31,522 And say, "hey, you're acting like a nut!" 105 00:04:31,522 --> 00:04:33,984 I know I was right about that stock. 106 00:04:33,984 --> 00:04:35,896 Every instinct in my body 107 00:04:35,896 --> 00:04:37,488 Tells me they sold that stock too soon. 108 00:04:37,488 --> 00:04:39,660 You know the p/e ratio on that stock? 109 00:04:39,660 --> 00:04:40,991 What's a p/e ratio? 110 00:04:40,991 --> 00:04:43,904 Shut up! You're just like him. 111 00:04:43,904 --> 00:04:45,786 You're bald and male. 112 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,247 Baby, I'm sorry. 113 00:04:47,247 --> 00:04:49,500 Oh, I bet you are sorry. 114 00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:51,001 Oh, you're sorry, huh? 115 00:04:51,001 --> 00:04:53,334 Sorry I'm here now to cook and clean for you 116 00:04:53,334 --> 00:04:55,466 And wait on you hand and foot. 117 00:04:55,466 --> 00:04:58,549 I bet you're sorry, huh? You happy about that, michael? 118 00:04:58,549 --> 00:05:01,091 You happy? You happy, michael, happy? 119 00:05:01,091 --> 00:05:02,473 Well, you know -- shut up! 120 00:05:02,473 --> 00:05:04,345 Will you stop interrupting me? 121 00:05:04,345 --> 00:05:07,057 I do not want your answers. I don't want you to fix this. 122 00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:09,019 I just want to yell for a while! 123 00:05:09,019 --> 00:05:11,392 Is that all right with you? 124 00:05:11,392 --> 00:05:16,066 I'm talking to you! I don't know what to say! 125 00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:19,029 [ Screaming ] 126 00:05:19,029 --> 00:05:21,992 Thanks, baby. 127 00:05:21,992 --> 00:05:25,285 Why am I eating this? I don't want this. 128 00:05:25,285 --> 00:05:28,789 I set kady up 50 times-- 50 times, baby. 129 00:05:28,789 --> 00:05:30,871 She couldn't get the ball into the net once. 130 00:05:30,871 --> 00:05:32,543 Well, maybe you had a good goalie. 131 00:05:32,543 --> 00:05:34,955 There was no goalie. 132 00:05:36,216 --> 00:05:38,048 Where should I put this stuff, mom? 133 00:05:38,048 --> 00:05:39,380 "Where should I put this stuff, mom? 134 00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:41,091 Where should I put this stuff, mom?" 135 00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:43,133 Did you detangle your net? Did you count your knee guards? 136 00:05:43,133 --> 00:05:46,096 Did you even wash your balls? 137 00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:48,679 I think maybe you are pushing the kids a little too hard. 138 00:05:48,679 --> 00:05:49,930 Miss wiggins is right. 139 00:05:49,930 --> 00:05:52,272 What, you taking sides now? 140 00:05:52,272 --> 00:05:53,604 No, I'm just saying-- 141 00:05:53,604 --> 00:05:55,476 What, you miss wiggins' man now? 142 00:05:55,476 --> 00:05:57,738 You mr. Wiggins? 143 00:05:57,738 --> 00:05:59,069 No. 144 00:05:59,069 --> 00:06:01,321 What, you want to go home with miss wiggins? 145 00:06:01,321 --> 00:06:04,154 All I'm saying is that this insatiable drive to win 146 00:06:04,154 --> 00:06:06,116 Is what's tearing apart our society. 147 00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:08,158 Come on. Let's go outside. 148 00:06:08,158 --> 00:06:10,411 Let's take it outside. Show me what you got. 149 00:06:10,411 --> 00:06:11,832 I'm not looking for a fight, but, you know-- 150 00:06:11,832 --> 00:06:12,913 Oh, well, you done found one. 151 00:06:12,913 --> 00:06:14,044 She done found one. 152 00:06:14,044 --> 00:06:16,086 [ Gasps ] 153 00:06:16,086 --> 00:06:19,710 [ Crying ] oh, my baby! 154 00:06:19,710 --> 00:06:21,261 Why are you crying again? 155 00:06:21,261 --> 00:06:23,263 This is the sixth dress I've tried on. 156 00:06:23,263 --> 00:06:24,675 Every time I come out, you burst into tears. 157 00:06:24,675 --> 00:06:29,470 Oh, because, baby, you look so beautiful. 158 00:06:29,470 --> 00:06:32,853 You remind me of what I would look like 159 00:06:32,853 --> 00:06:35,566 If I'd have gone to my prom. 160 00:06:38,439 --> 00:06:40,981 Hey, you're acting like a nut! 161 00:06:40,981 --> 00:06:45,736 Whoo! That is my song! 162 00:06:45,736 --> 00:06:48,699 Yeah, baby! Come on, let's boogie. 163 00:06:48,699 --> 00:06:51,742 All right, kids. Everybody form a soul train. 164 00:06:51,742 --> 00:06:54,294 Oh, my god. 165 00:07:07,598 --> 00:07:10,721 [ Whooping ] 166 00:07:25,325 --> 00:07:28,489 Two nonstudents are this year's prom king and queen-- 167 00:07:28,489 --> 00:07:30,911 Claire kyle's parents, michael and jay. 168 00:07:30,911 --> 00:07:33,163 [ Screaming ] 169 00:07:35,496 --> 00:07:37,457 Prom queen! 170 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,580 Aah! We won! 171 00:07:39,580 --> 00:07:41,381 I'm the queen! 172 00:07:41,381 --> 00:07:45,586 Oh! Oh, my god! 173 00:07:45,586 --> 00:07:47,217 Get out of my way! It's my time to shine! 174 00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:49,389 ♪ Mustang sally ♪ 175 00:07:49,389 --> 00:07:51,471 ♪ Mustang sally ♪ 176 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,974 ♪ Ow! Uh-huh ♪ 177 00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:57,397 ♪ Guess you'd better slow your mustang down ♪ 178 00:07:57,397 --> 00:07:59,059 ♪ Slow it down, slow it down ♪ 179 00:07:59,059 --> 00:08:00,901 Kids, grammy deserves better. 180 00:08:00,901 --> 00:08:02,232 Come on. 181 00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:03,483 Get involved for grammy. 182 00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:04,815 Come on, clap your hands. 183 00:08:04,815 --> 00:08:09,570 ♪ Oh, mustang sally, now, baby ♪ 184 00:08:11,321 --> 00:08:15,075 ♪ I guess you better slow your mustang down, now ♪ 185 00:08:15,075 --> 00:08:17,207 ♪ Slow it down, slow it down ♪ 186 00:08:17,207 --> 00:08:18,418 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 187 00:08:18,418 --> 00:08:20,120 No, michael. 188 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:22,292 We have to keep in mind that he's still our baby. 189 00:08:22,292 --> 00:08:23,794 We can't be too rough on him. 190 00:08:23,794 --> 00:08:25,255 [ Shouting indistinctly ] 191 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,592 Mom, I love this new lipstick. 192 00:08:31,592 --> 00:08:33,594 It's a great color for me, don't you think? 193 00:08:33,594 --> 00:08:35,225 When a person becomes self-absorbed 194 00:08:35,225 --> 00:08:37,227 And overly concerned with their appearance, 195 00:08:37,227 --> 00:08:38,599 It usually means they're hiding something. 196 00:08:38,599 --> 00:08:40,641 It says so right here in this book, 197 00:08:40,641 --> 00:08:41,942 That they really hate themselves. 198 00:08:41,942 --> 00:08:43,483 It's that self-loathing 199 00:08:43,483 --> 00:08:45,445 That leads to destructive relationships, 200 00:08:45,445 --> 00:08:48,448 Depression, alcoholism, drug abuse, and eventually suicide. 201 00:08:48,448 --> 00:08:50,320 But that is a pretty color on you. 202 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:55,786 [ Crying ] 203 00:08:55,786 --> 00:08:58,418 What? I said it was pretty. 204 00:08:58,418 --> 00:09:02,422 "I take you, michael, to be my wedded husband. 205 00:09:02,422 --> 00:09:07,377 "I promise to continue to love, cherish, and honor you, 206 00:09:07,377 --> 00:09:11,972 "To keep and comfort you in sickness and in health, 207 00:09:11,972 --> 00:09:17,888 For richer, for poorer, till death do us part." 208 00:09:17,888 --> 00:09:21,441 [ Voice breaking ] I'd like to add something, also. 209 00:09:21,441 --> 00:09:24,855 I'm still crazy about you after all these years. 210 00:09:27,527 --> 00:09:29,359 With the power vested in me, 211 00:09:29,359 --> 00:09:33,403 I now pronounce you husband and wife again. 212 00:09:33,403 --> 00:09:35,035 You may kiss the bride. 213 00:09:35,035 --> 00:09:37,327 Give me some sugar. 214 00:09:45,876 --> 00:09:47,708 All right, all right. I admit it. 215 00:09:47,708 --> 00:09:50,761 I have my little faults, but at least I'm not crazy. 216 00:09:50,761 --> 00:09:52,552 I never said you was crazy. 217 00:09:52,552 --> 00:09:53,924 No, I'm saying you're crazy. 218 00:09:53,924 --> 00:09:55,555 I'm crazy? That's crazy. 219 00:09:55,555 --> 00:09:57,638 No, michael, you're nutty. 220 00:09:57,638 --> 00:09:59,429 You're a nut job. You're a wacko. 221 00:09:59,429 --> 00:10:02,222 Hey, hey, hey! 222 00:10:04,144 --> 00:10:06,356 What do you think? 223 00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:09,690 [ Imitating martin luther king, jr. ] I'm sorry, ma'am, but I had a dream. 224 00:10:09,690 --> 00:10:11,732 I dreamed that one day, 225 00:10:11,732 --> 00:10:14,534 All laundry would be done together-- 226 00:10:14,534 --> 00:10:18,118 Briefs and boxers, cottons and polyesters. 227 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:22,162 I had a dream that one day jock straps and g-strings 228 00:10:22,162 --> 00:10:25,585 Would tumble around in the dryer of love. 229 00:10:25,585 --> 00:10:27,627 [ Imitating bill clinton ] I did not have sexual relations 230 00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:29,299 With that woman. 231 00:10:29,299 --> 00:10:31,551 [ Imitating muhammad ali ] I float like a butterfly. 232 00:10:31,551 --> 00:10:33,253 I smell like petunias. 233 00:10:33,253 --> 00:10:36,016 What till you see what I do with the boy, junior. 234 00:10:36,016 --> 00:10:38,638 [ Imitating sammy davis jr. ] Here, hold this for me, cats. 235 00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,721 You know, it's kind of like don king. 236 00:10:40,721 --> 00:10:43,103 We think he's full of it, but he does it with such 237 00:10:43,103 --> 00:10:45,435 [Imitating don king] prodigious fortitude 238 00:10:45,435 --> 00:10:47,647 That you have to appreciate his stylography. 239 00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:50,320 O-tay. 240 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:53,193 [ Imitating bill cosby ] what do you mean "was funny"? 241 00:10:53,193 --> 00:10:57,868 Cosby is funny because he's [babbling indistinctly] 242 00:10:57,868 --> 00:10:59,579 [ Imitating vito corleone ] this is the first time 243 00:10:59,579 --> 00:11:01,241 You come over to my house. 244 00:11:01,241 --> 00:11:04,875 You don't bring a cup of coffee. 245 00:11:04,875 --> 00:11:06,997 You don't show no respect. 246 00:11:06,997 --> 00:11:11,631 You don't even say, "hi, godfather." 247 00:11:11,631 --> 00:11:13,884 ♪ You're my fire ♪ 248 00:11:13,884 --> 00:11:16,636 ♪ My one desire ♪ 249 00:11:16,636 --> 00:11:18,468 Hee hee hee! 250 00:11:18,468 --> 00:11:20,971 Ow! 251 00:11:20,971 --> 00:11:23,063 [ Jimi hendrix's "purple haze" plays ] 252 00:11:47,497 --> 00:11:49,459 Now, that's rock 'n' roll. 253 00:11:51,501 --> 00:11:54,214 Jay: michael! 254 00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:58,718 Ding ding ding ding. 255 00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,551 Someone report a fire, ma'am? 256 00:12:01,551 --> 00:12:05,265 No. No, I did not. 257 00:12:05,265 --> 00:12:07,307 You're right. There's no fire around here. 258 00:12:07,307 --> 00:12:11,111 It must be you, hot stuff. 259 00:12:11,111 --> 00:12:12,813 Okay-- 260 00:12:12,813 --> 00:12:16,947 [ Upbeat music ] 261 00:12:16,947 --> 00:12:24,955 ♪ ♪ 262 00:12:28,208 --> 00:12:30,791 Work it, baby! Work it, baby! 263 00:12:30,791 --> 00:12:32,752 Aah! 264 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,134 What's going on there? 265 00:12:34,134 --> 00:12:36,086 You noticed, right? 266 00:12:36,086 --> 00:12:37,587 I couldn't help but notice. 267 00:12:37,587 --> 00:12:38,969 Last time I saw you, you was balder than me. 268 00:12:38,969 --> 00:12:41,141 That's funny. That's a great rug. 269 00:12:41,141 --> 00:12:44,144 Uh, excuse me? No rug here, mike. 270 00:12:44,144 --> 00:12:46,386 What is it, a weave? Come again? 271 00:12:46,386 --> 00:12:48,809 You get plugs? Can't hear you. 272 00:12:48,809 --> 00:12:50,100 [ Laughs ] 273 00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:52,692 It's all-- aah! 274 00:12:52,692 --> 00:12:53,984 Unh-unh. 275 00:12:53,984 --> 00:12:56,196 I'm just trying to touch it. 276 00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:00,610 Come on, you can't-- aah! 277 00:13:04,865 --> 00:13:07,617 Can I -- aah! 278 00:13:07,617 --> 00:13:10,290 Look, sweetheart, I'm just trying to be a nice man. 279 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,963 That's my little girl's doll you have. 280 00:13:12,963 --> 00:13:15,585 Haven't you ever heard of finders, keepers? 281 00:13:15,585 --> 00:13:18,839 Finders, keepers. But you know what? 282 00:13:18,839 --> 00:13:22,382 I'll give you a whole $5 for that doll. 283 00:13:22,382 --> 00:13:24,514 $5? Yeah. 284 00:13:24,514 --> 00:13:26,136 I bet it's worth $100. 285 00:13:26,136 --> 00:13:28,308 $100? 286 00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:32,272 You certainly drive a hard bargain there, carrot top. 287 00:13:32,272 --> 00:13:37,777 Let me just look down here and find a $100. 288 00:13:37,777 --> 00:13:40,200 That man stole my dolly! 289 00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:42,362 Go! Run! Run! 290 00:13:42,362 --> 00:13:43,493 Run! 291 00:13:43,493 --> 00:13:47,537 Aah! That man stole my dolly! 292 00:13:47,537 --> 00:13:48,828 Hey, pop. 293 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,250 Don't "hey, pop" me. I'll pop you. 294 00:13:50,250 --> 00:13:51,331 What's wrong? 295 00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:52,662 I'll tell you what's wrong. 296 00:13:52,662 --> 00:13:54,044 You left me stranded at the eye doctor. 297 00:13:54,044 --> 00:13:55,545 I had to take a cab home. 298 00:13:55,545 --> 00:13:57,337 I don't even know how much I tipped the guy. 299 00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:58,378 Okay, I know you're angry. 300 00:13:58,378 --> 00:14:00,050 Hell, yeah, I'm angry. 301 00:14:00,050 --> 00:14:02,762 I'll tell you why I'm angry. I'm mad as hell! 302 00:14:02,762 --> 00:14:04,514 But technically, I'm in the right. 303 00:14:04,514 --> 00:14:06,306 Oh, yeah? 304 00:14:06,306 --> 00:14:10,350 Well, why don't you explain to me how you can be in the right? 305 00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:11,351 Take a little taste. 306 00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:12,973 Thank you, michael. 307 00:14:12,973 --> 00:14:14,024 Oh, you're so good to me. 308 00:14:14,024 --> 00:14:15,645 Don't tell my chubby buddy. 309 00:14:15,645 --> 00:14:18,278 I ain't gonna tell the chubby buddy. 310 00:14:19,689 --> 00:14:21,531 I'm sorry. 311 00:14:21,531 --> 00:14:24,154 Jay. I slipped. 312 00:14:24,154 --> 00:14:26,656 Oh-ho. 313 00:14:26,656 --> 00:14:28,538 I slipped. Oh, it's funny? 314 00:14:28,538 --> 00:14:31,201 Yeah, get him. See, he's laughing at you. 315 00:14:34,414 --> 00:14:35,795 Ma, look at this. 316 00:14:38,208 --> 00:14:39,960 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 317 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,381 Y'all got to get the baby. 318 00:14:47,007 --> 00:14:48,558 You are unbelievable. 319 00:14:48,558 --> 00:14:49,930 You've actually convinced yourself 320 00:14:49,930 --> 00:14:51,601 That you can play the piano. 321 00:14:51,601 --> 00:14:53,313 Come on. You know I can play. 322 00:14:53,313 --> 00:14:55,315 No, you can't. You can't do it. 323 00:14:59,319 --> 00:15:03,783 ♪ Three in the "c" of key ♪ 324 00:15:03,783 --> 00:15:07,737 ♪ Three blind mice ♪ 325 00:15:07,737 --> 00:15:09,079 ♪ They're blind ♪ 326 00:15:09,079 --> 00:15:12,832 ♪ Three, three blind mice ♪ 327 00:15:12,832 --> 00:15:14,704 ♪ Three blind mice, three blind mice ♪ 328 00:15:14,704 --> 00:15:16,916 ♪ There's two, not three ♪ 329 00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,838 [ Hitting random keys ] 330 00:15:18,838 --> 00:15:21,711 ♪ Five and five and a seven is two ♪ 331 00:15:21,711 --> 00:15:26,346 ♪ One and three to the 8-2-3 is three ♪ 332 00:15:26,346 --> 00:15:29,509 ♪ Blind mice ♪ 333 00:15:30,890 --> 00:15:34,554 ♪ Or meeces ♪ 334 00:15:34,554 --> 00:15:37,978 [ Squeaks ] [ screaming ] 335 00:15:52,912 --> 00:15:55,455 No! No! 336 00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:57,877 I mean, damn it got away. 337 00:16:02,422 --> 00:16:04,754 What kind of drugs are you guys giving me? 338 00:16:04,754 --> 00:16:09,469 Oh, dr. Rawls only uses one drug. 339 00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,551 [ "You'll never find another love like mine" plays ] 340 00:16:11,551 --> 00:16:13,263 Love. 341 00:16:23,153 --> 00:16:26,946 ♪ You'll never find ♪ 342 00:16:26,946 --> 00:16:31,161 ♪ As long as you live ♪ 343 00:16:31,161 --> 00:16:34,534 ♪ Someone who loves you ♪ 344 00:16:34,534 --> 00:16:37,537 ♪ Tender like I do ♪ 345 00:16:40,710 --> 00:16:43,083 ♪ You'll never find ♪ 346 00:16:44,544 --> 00:16:48,718 ♪ No matter where you search ♪ 347 00:16:48,718 --> 00:16:51,931 ♪ Someone who cares about you ♪ 348 00:16:51,931 --> 00:16:56,846 ♪ The way I do ♪ 349 00:16:56,846 --> 00:17:01,521 ♪ Whoa, I'm not braggin' on myself, baby ♪ 350 00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:03,943 ♪ But I'm the one who loves you ♪ 351 00:17:03,943 --> 00:17:06,526 ♪ And there's no one else ♪ 352 00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,358 ♪ No-o-o-o-o-o ♪ 353 00:17:17,617 --> 00:17:20,370 Oh, my baby. Come here, boo boo. 354 00:17:20,370 --> 00:17:22,082 Ohh. It's a painful memory. 355 00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:23,713 I know, I know. 356 00:17:23,713 --> 00:17:26,045 Okay, so none of us are perfect. 357 00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:27,877 Yeah, you're right. Who is? 358 00:17:27,877 --> 00:17:28,928 You are so right. 359 00:17:28,928 --> 00:17:30,300 Oh, man. 360 00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:33,093 Michael... Yeah, baby? 361 00:17:33,093 --> 00:17:35,635 I don't want to live in an empty nest anymore. 362 00:17:35,635 --> 00:17:38,308 Me neither. It's too damn quiet. 363 00:17:38,308 --> 00:17:40,019 Yeah, it is. 364 00:17:40,019 --> 00:17:42,982 What do you say we go upstairs and make some noise? 365 00:17:42,982 --> 00:17:44,604 Mmm. Okay. 366 00:17:44,604 --> 00:17:46,356 Well, give me a 5-minute head start, 367 00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:47,817 And I'll put on something that's easy to take off. 368 00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:50,280 [ Chuckles ] 369 00:18:07,967 --> 00:18:09,879 Junior: good evening, ladies and gentlemen, 370 00:18:09,879 --> 00:18:12,212 And welcome to our father of the year ceremony. 371 00:18:12,212 --> 00:18:14,844 Tonight we pay tribute to a very special man, 372 00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:17,307 My father, mr. Michael kyle. 373 00:18:17,307 --> 00:18:21,020 Dad, I want you to know that I'm proud and privileged 374 00:18:21,020 --> 00:18:22,852 To be the namesake of the man I most admire 375 00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,644 And respect in this world. 376 00:18:24,644 --> 00:18:27,607 And you're always there for me with love and good counsel, 377 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,279 No matter how badly I mess up. 378 00:18:29,279 --> 00:18:31,821 And I do mess up badly sometimes, 379 00:18:31,821 --> 00:18:34,033 Like the time I put glue on your toilet seat 380 00:18:34,033 --> 00:18:35,735 Or the time I got the cat drunk 381 00:18:35,735 --> 00:18:38,158 Or the time I glued the cat to the toilet seat. 382 00:18:38,158 --> 00:18:40,660 Come on, boy. 383 00:18:40,660 --> 00:18:42,242 Seriously, I would consider myself lucky 384 00:18:42,242 --> 00:18:44,374 To be even half the man you are. 385 00:18:44,374 --> 00:18:47,707 You're not only my dad, but you're my hero. 386 00:18:47,707 --> 00:18:50,089 Thank you, son. I'm touched. 387 00:18:50,089 --> 00:18:53,052 Dad, I may not be the deepest girl on earth, 388 00:18:53,052 --> 00:18:55,595 But I'm deep enough to know when someone makes me look good. 389 00:18:55,595 --> 00:18:57,427 And I know I may seem selfish, 390 00:18:57,427 --> 00:18:59,809 But I know there's nothing in the world 391 00:18:59,809 --> 00:19:01,641 You wouldn't do to make me happy. 392 00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:05,315 I appreciate you, dad, because you appreciate me. 393 00:19:05,315 --> 00:19:06,896 Thank you. 394 00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:08,978 That was very sweet, claire. 395 00:19:08,978 --> 00:19:12,272 Daddy, you always make me feel like a princess. 396 00:19:12,272 --> 00:19:13,983 And like I've always said, 397 00:19:13,983 --> 00:19:17,197 When I grow up, I'm gonna marry you. 398 00:19:17,197 --> 00:19:18,948 I love you, daddy. 399 00:19:18,948 --> 00:19:22,782 I love you, too, munchkin. 400 00:19:22,782 --> 00:19:27,166 Michael, remember back in the day when we were struggling? 401 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,168 Sometimes we didn't even know 402 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,250 Where our next meal was gonna come from, 403 00:19:30,250 --> 00:19:31,881 But I never panicked 404 00:19:31,881 --> 00:19:34,003 Because you always said things were gonna work out, 405 00:19:34,003 --> 00:19:36,216 And they always did. 406 00:19:36,216 --> 00:19:40,179 I had faith in you since the day you quit your fast-food job, 407 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:43,893 Rented your first truck, and started your own business. 408 00:19:43,893 --> 00:19:47,106 Claire was born in the back of that truck. 409 00:19:47,106 --> 00:19:50,730 It was tough, but we also had some good times. 410 00:19:50,730 --> 00:19:54,904 My point is, we may not always show you how we appreciate you, 411 00:19:54,904 --> 00:19:57,657 But, baby, we really do appreciate you. 412 00:19:57,657 --> 00:19:59,529 And I just wanted to say thank you. 413 00:19:59,529 --> 00:20:02,282 Thank you for choosing to share this journey with me. 414 00:20:02,282 --> 00:20:05,745 You're not only the man of the year... 415 00:20:05,745 --> 00:20:08,418 [ Voice breaking ] you're the man of my life. 416 00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:12,382 Junior: and on behalf of all of us, 417 00:20:12,382 --> 00:20:16,215 We'd like to present the award for father of the year 418 00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:17,387 To mr. Michael kyle. 419 00:20:17,387 --> 00:20:19,138 Come on, dad. 420 00:20:19,138 --> 00:20:21,641 All: speech, speech, speech, speech. 421 00:20:31,611 --> 00:20:36,195 Friends, romans, countrymen... 422 00:20:36,195 --> 00:20:38,278 No, seriously, 423 00:20:38,278 --> 00:20:42,742 This is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. 424 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:45,365 I want to thank you guys for reminding me 425 00:20:45,365 --> 00:20:48,167 What's really important in my life-- 426 00:20:48,167 --> 00:20:50,830 That's the love and respect of my wife and kids. 427 00:20:52,712 --> 00:20:54,334 I love all of you. 428 00:20:54,334 --> 00:20:56,175 All: we love you, too. 429 00:21:21,571 --> 00:21:24,404 Michael, be careful, baby. Michael! 430 00:21:24,404 --> 00:21:26,786 Babe, babe, babe! 431 00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:28,668 Oh! 432 00:21:28,668 --> 00:21:32,752 I gotta get the hang of this little rascal. 433 00:21:32,752 --> 00:21:34,293 Ugh! 434 00:21:36,085 --> 00:21:37,296 Dad, do you need help? 435 00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:40,550 Mm-hmm.