1
00:00:03,544 --> 00:00:06,337
Mmm, that sure looks good.

2
00:00:06,337 --> 00:00:08,219
Mmm, it sure is.

3
00:00:08,219 --> 00:00:11,552
Mmm, I sure am hungry.

4
00:00:11,552 --> 00:00:13,634
Mmm, I bet you sure is.

5
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,058
See, my secret is paprika.

6
00:00:17,058 --> 00:00:19,850
It brings out the flavor in
three of the four cheeses.

7
00:00:19,850 --> 00:00:21,772
Mmm, this is one
delicious omelet.

8
00:00:21,772 --> 00:00:24,024
Yeah, it's making
my stomach sing.

9
00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:26,067
Well, your stomach must be
singing a solo.

10
00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:30,030
♪ 'Cause this is all for me ♪

11
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:33,534
♪ And there is none for kady ♪

12
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,286
Hey, that smells great.

13
00:00:35,286 --> 00:00:37,037
The secret's in the paprika.

14
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:39,830
Kady, baby, did you finish your
omelet already?

15
00:00:39,830 --> 00:00:41,502
No, junior didn't
make me one.

16
00:00:41,502 --> 00:00:42,873
What?

17
00:00:42,873 --> 00:00:44,875
Well, there were only
three eggs left.

18
00:00:44,875 --> 00:00:47,218
You can't make a 2-egg omelet.
They look sad.

19
00:00:47,218 --> 00:00:49,430
Why didn't you just split that
in half with your sister?

20
00:00:49,430 --> 00:00:51,432
I would, but I need
my strength.

21
00:00:51,432 --> 00:00:53,844
I'm about to become a father, so
I'm eating for two now.

22
00:00:53,844 --> 00:00:57,438
Boy, I specifically asked you to
make breakfast for your sister.

23
00:00:57,438 --> 00:01:00,601
I'm so woozy, mommy.

24
00:01:00,601 --> 00:01:03,394
Okay, baby, come on.
I'll make you something to eat.

25
00:01:03,394 --> 00:01:04,645
There you go.
Problem solved.

26
00:01:04,645 --> 00:01:05,606
Hey, you mind
if I smell this?

27
00:01:05,606 --> 00:01:07,278
It smells delicious.

28
00:01:07,278 --> 00:01:09,360
It does, doesn't it?
Smell the paprika.

29
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:10,861
Is that what that is?

30
00:01:10,861 --> 00:01:14,115
Ah-choo! Ah-choo!
Ah-choo!

31
00:01:15,786 --> 00:01:16,957
[ Sniffs ]

32
00:01:19,250 --> 00:01:20,621
Whoo!

33
00:01:20,621 --> 00:01:22,583
I must be allergic
to the paprika.

34
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,375
What'd you do that for?

35
00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:27,208
Well, I did that because it's a
more creative way of doing...

36
00:01:27,208 --> 00:01:28,709
Ow!

37
00:01:28,709 --> 00:01:31,552
And what was that for?

38
00:01:31,552 --> 00:01:34,345
That was for being irresponsible
and eating the last three eggs.

39
00:01:34,345 --> 00:01:36,307
Dad, I'm about to be a
father soon,

40
00:01:36,307 --> 00:01:38,429
And I can't have you whacking me
in front of my kid.

41
00:01:38,429 --> 00:01:39,810
You're absolutely right.

42
00:01:39,810 --> 00:01:41,932
Claire, would you whack
your brother, please?

43
00:01:41,932 --> 00:01:43,274
Gladly.
 Ow!

44
00:01:43,274 --> 00:01:44,775
Thanks, baby.

45
00:01:44,775 --> 00:01:46,777
If you need me again,
just whistle.

46
00:01:46,777 --> 00:01:49,360
What we're trying to beat
into your head, junior,

47
00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:52,573
Is it's time for you to stop
acting like a child and grow up.

48
00:01:52,573 --> 00:01:54,615
Your mother and I have been
discussing this,

49
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:56,617
And we think you should take a
parenting class.

50
00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:58,619
I don't need a
parenting class.

51
00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:00,291
What? [ Laughs ]

52
00:02:00,291 --> 00:02:03,123
Boy, you have no idea what being
a parent entails.

53
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,626
You are responsible
for another life.

54
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:07,708
I know, and you guys have
nothing to worry about.

55
00:02:07,708 --> 00:02:09,920
It's not like it's that hard to
take care of a baby.

56
00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:11,882
Did he just say what I --
 I think--yes, i--

57
00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:14,255
Baby, I can't handle --
it's too early.

58
00:02:14,255 --> 00:02:16,136
[ Whistles ]

59
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,178
What?

60
00:02:17,178 --> 00:02:18,219
Ow!

61
00:02:20,351 --> 00:02:23,814
Look, the mother feeds it,
cleans it, and stuff.

62
00:02:23,814 --> 00:02:25,976
All I have to do is make funny
faces at it.

63
00:02:25,976 --> 00:02:27,728
You think it's that easy?

64
00:02:27,728 --> 00:02:29,440
Well, it worked for cosby.

65
00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:32,032
[ Imitating bill cosby ] yo,
camille, would you tell theo

66
00:02:32,032 --> 00:02:34,114
To go get rudy and cut his
dreads off,

67
00:02:34,114 --> 00:02:36,827
'Cause he's starting to
look like the predator.

68
00:02:36,827 --> 00:02:37,868
[ Laughs ]

69
00:02:37,868 --> 00:02:39,910
[ Laughs ]

70
00:02:39,910 --> 00:02:43,244
[ Normal voice ] now if you'll
excuse me, I'm going to get back

71
00:02:43,244 --> 00:02:45,626
To my paprika, cheese, and
sneeze omelet.

72
00:02:45,626 --> 00:02:47,458
Boy, don't you--

73
00:02:47,458 --> 00:02:49,290
Junior!

74
00:02:49,290 --> 00:02:50,381
Uhhh!

75
00:02:52,253 --> 00:02:54,465
It's not bad.

76
00:02:58,299 --> 00:03:02,182
Junior, say hello
to your brand-new baby.

77
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,014
That ain't no baby.
That's a water balloon.

78
00:03:04,014 --> 00:03:05,646
What am I supposed to do
with that?

79
00:03:05,646 --> 00:03:08,689
Well, you said that taking care
of kids was easy.

80
00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:10,691
I want you to
demonstrate that.

81
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:13,193
Congratulations, you are
now the mother

82
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,486
Of a brand-new bouncing
baby balloon.

83
00:03:15,486 --> 00:03:17,117
Michael, you're not
gonna do that, are you?

84
00:03:17,117 --> 00:03:19,079
That's what my mother
did to me.

85
00:03:19,079 --> 00:03:20,581
That's where I got
the idea from.

86
00:03:20,581 --> 00:03:21,992
Yeah, well,
it was a stupid idea.

87
00:03:21,992 --> 00:03:23,664
Ah, you're just
saying that

88
00:03:23,664 --> 00:03:25,876
Because you dropped your balloon
baby on the second day.

89
00:03:25,876 --> 00:03:27,588
It accidentally
slipped out of my hand.

90
00:03:27,588 --> 00:03:29,380
No, you threw it
at your mother.

91
00:03:29,380 --> 00:03:31,332
No, I threw it at you,
but you ducked.

92
00:03:31,332 --> 00:03:33,133
I thought it was stup--

93
00:03:33,133 --> 00:03:35,466
I thought it was
stupid then --

94
00:03:35,466 --> 00:03:37,097
I think it's stup--

95
00:03:37,097 --> 00:03:38,679
Stop!

96
00:03:38,679 --> 00:03:40,761
I think it's stupid now.

97
00:03:40,761 --> 00:03:42,803
Yeah, well, I think it's a
great teaching tool.

98
00:03:42,803 --> 00:03:44,435
Come here, junior.

99
00:03:44,435 --> 00:03:47,688
Now, this balloon baby is
gonna require

100
00:03:47,688 --> 00:03:51,652
Your constant care and attention
in order to survive.

101
00:03:51,652 --> 00:03:53,444
Handle it with care.

102
00:03:53,444 --> 00:03:55,856
It looks just like you,
junior --

103
00:03:55,856 --> 00:03:58,989
Big head, no body,
and no brains.

104
00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:00,741
[ Laughs ]

105
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,493
You crazy!

106
00:04:02,493 --> 00:04:06,166
All right, stop it.

107
00:04:06,166 --> 00:04:09,169
I still think that is a big
mistake, michael.

108
00:04:09,169 --> 00:04:11,672
The balloon's not gonna
last a day.

109
00:04:11,672 --> 00:04:14,585
A day? I didn't think it
would last an hour.

110
00:04:14,585 --> 00:04:15,966
[ Laughs ]

111
00:04:15,966 --> 00:04:18,088
You guys have no faith
in me, do you?

112
00:04:18,088 --> 00:04:20,180
Uh...

113
00:04:20,180 --> 00:04:22,222
Uh...

114
00:04:22,222 --> 00:04:23,684
Hey!

115
00:04:23,684 --> 00:04:27,478
Uh...

116
00:04:27,478 --> 00:04:29,350
No.

117
00:04:29,350 --> 00:04:30,851
[ Laughs ]

118
00:04:30,851 --> 00:04:33,153
Okay, here's the deal.

119
00:04:33,153 --> 00:04:35,606
That balloon has to
be treated

120
00:04:35,606 --> 00:04:38,319
As a living, breathing
baby, okay,

121
00:04:38,319 --> 00:04:41,952
Which means you got to feed it,
change it, play with it,

122
00:04:41,952 --> 00:04:44,164
And most of
all, don't drop it.

123
00:04:44,164 --> 00:04:45,406
For how long?

124
00:04:45,406 --> 00:04:46,667
A week.

125
00:04:46,667 --> 00:04:48,539
And if it should survive
the week,

126
00:04:48,539 --> 00:04:50,461
Then I'll get off your case,

127
00:04:50,461 --> 00:04:53,544
And I'll start treating you more
like the adult you want to be.

128
00:04:53,544 --> 00:04:56,176
However....

129
00:04:56,176 --> 00:04:59,840
If you should destroy that
balloon baby,

130
00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:01,842
Then you have to enroll
in a parenting class.

131
00:05:01,842 --> 00:05:03,424
Clever, baby, clever.

132
00:05:03,424 --> 00:05:04,845
This is stupid.

133
00:05:04,845 --> 00:05:06,847
This balloon looks nothing
like a real baby.

134
00:05:06,847 --> 00:05:09,269
Look, it doesn't even have a
ding-ding or a poopa-doop.

135
00:05:11,101 --> 00:05:13,984
See, that's why you need
a parenting class, okay?

136
00:05:13,984 --> 00:05:15,646
Is this a deal?

137
00:05:15,646 --> 00:05:17,237
Deal.

138
00:05:17,237 --> 00:05:18,859
Whoa! Hey!
 Whoa, hey.

139
00:05:18,859 --> 00:05:20,030
You know what, dad?

140
00:05:20,030 --> 00:05:21,652
I'm gonna use this week

141
00:05:21,652 --> 00:05:24,445
To teach you a little something
about my character.

142
00:05:24,445 --> 00:05:26,367
Come on, balloon baby.

143
00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:28,499
[ Whistles ]

144
00:05:28,499 --> 00:05:29,580
Ow!

145
00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:31,331
Whoo!

146
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,163
Thanks, baby.

147
00:05:41,261 --> 00:05:43,514
Mom, I need to talk to you
about something.

148
00:05:43,514 --> 00:05:45,516
Not now, kady.

149
00:05:45,516 --> 00:05:48,348
I'm trying to read a book about
listening to your children.

150
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:49,680
[ Laughs ]

151
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:51,642
Oh, come on!
That's not funny?

152
00:05:51,642 --> 00:05:53,273
You're not laughing.

153
00:05:53,273 --> 00:05:54,855
Because it was more clever
than funny --

154
00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:57,688
Sort of ironic
with a hint of sarcasm,

155
00:05:57,688 --> 00:06:00,861
Which made it very unfunny.

156
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,282
You know what?

157
00:06:02,282 --> 00:06:04,364
You been hanging out with
franklin too much.

158
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,366
No, I haven't.

159
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,288
Anyhoo...

160
00:06:08,288 --> 00:06:10,581
I have serious things
on my mind.

161
00:06:10,581 --> 00:06:13,293
Okay, well, sit your booty down
and talk to your mommy.

162
00:06:13,293 --> 00:06:15,045
What's up?

163
00:06:15,045 --> 00:06:17,087
Well, I want to know
where babies come from.

164
00:06:17,087 --> 00:06:20,130
Kady, you know
where babies come from.

165
00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:21,882
The stork brings them.

166
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,844
I wasn't born
yesterday, mom.

167
00:06:23,844 --> 00:06:26,346
You're over the stork
story, huh?

168
00:06:26,346 --> 00:06:28,008
Way past it.

169
00:06:28,008 --> 00:06:30,270
I'm gonna have to tell you about
the birds and the bees.

170
00:06:30,270 --> 00:06:32,102
How much detail do
you really want?

171
00:06:32,102 --> 00:06:33,974
I don't know.

172
00:06:33,974 --> 00:06:36,647
I know something big happens,
and I want to know what it is.

173
00:06:36,647 --> 00:06:39,069
First of all, it's not always
that big, okay?

174
00:06:39,069 --> 00:06:42,322
Uh, truthfully --
okay.

175
00:06:42,322 --> 00:06:46,026
There's a magical garden where
babies grow from cabbage leaves.

176
00:06:46,026 --> 00:06:48,449
Cabbage leaves, mom?
Please.

177
00:06:48,449 --> 00:06:49,910
[ Sighs ]

178
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:52,032
You want the real,
real truth?

179
00:06:52,032 --> 00:06:53,123
Yes, mom.

180
00:06:53,123 --> 00:06:54,835
Okay.

181
00:06:54,835 --> 00:07:00,090
Well, a man and a woman get
together, and they...

182
00:07:02,753 --> 00:07:04,545
Ew! That's disgusting!

183
00:07:04,545 --> 00:07:07,508
I asked for the truth,
not a horror movie!

184
00:07:07,508 --> 00:07:09,099
Okay! Calm down.

185
00:07:09,099 --> 00:07:12,813
I'm sure there's a better way
to put this.

186
00:07:12,813 --> 00:07:15,686
Let me just think
for a second.

187
00:07:15,686 --> 00:07:17,478
Okay, okay.

188
00:07:17,478 --> 00:07:21,692
A man has special seeds that he
gives to a woman,

189
00:07:21,692 --> 00:07:25,235
And it makes her
belly grow, and...

190
00:07:25,235 --> 00:07:26,867
[ Crying ]

191
00:07:31,742 --> 00:07:35,075
What's going on, dad?
It's 3:00 in the morning.

192
00:07:35,075 --> 00:07:37,918
I know, and that's when babies
like to wake up.

193
00:07:37,918 --> 00:07:40,541
You know why?
Because they can't tell time.

194
00:07:40,541 --> 00:07:42,042
[ Crying ]

195
00:07:42,042 --> 00:07:44,795
Knock it off, dad.
The baby is not real.

196
00:07:44,795 --> 00:07:48,088
But it will be real, and that's
what you're in training for.

197
00:07:48,088 --> 00:07:50,260
Junior, I want you to take
this seriously.

198
00:07:50,260 --> 00:07:51,802
I am. Look.

199
00:07:51,802 --> 00:07:54,595
I even drew him a face,
and I named him.

200
00:07:54,595 --> 00:07:55,856
What'd you name him?

201
00:07:55,856 --> 00:07:58,599
Fetus face.

202
00:07:58,599 --> 00:08:00,190
[ Crying ]

203
00:08:00,190 --> 00:08:01,862
Dad, what are you doing?

204
00:08:01,862 --> 00:08:05,105
Look, from now on, I am the
voice of your baby,

205
00:08:05,105 --> 00:08:08,869
And you must figure out what is
wrong with fetus face.

206
00:08:08,869 --> 00:08:10,490
[ Crying ]

207
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,162
All right, all right.

208
00:08:12,162 --> 00:08:14,074
What's wrong, little fetus?

209
00:08:14,074 --> 00:08:15,576
What's wrong?

210
00:08:15,576 --> 00:08:17,457
I don't know what you want.

211
00:08:17,457 --> 00:08:18,999
I don't speak baby.

212
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:21,381
[ Crying ]

213
00:08:21,381 --> 00:08:23,293
Uh, um, are you hungry?

214
00:08:23,293 --> 00:08:25,295
[ High-pitched voice ]
uh-huh. That'd be nice.

215
00:08:25,295 --> 00:08:26,927
[ Crying ]

216
00:08:26,927 --> 00:08:29,630
All right, bear with
me, okay?

217
00:08:29,630 --> 00:08:31,181
I've never done this before.

218
00:08:31,181 --> 00:08:33,974
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Come on.

219
00:08:33,974 --> 00:08:37,517
[ Babytalk ]

220
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:38,769
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

221
00:08:38,769 --> 00:08:39,940
Man, give me that.
Get out--

222
00:08:39,940 --> 00:08:42,022
Ow!
Aah! Let go of my nitty!

223
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,604
What is wrong with you?

224
00:08:43,604 --> 00:08:45,405
I'm trying to show you

225
00:08:45,405 --> 00:08:47,948
That you don't have the right
equipment to feed a baby.

226
00:08:47,948 --> 00:08:49,910
Then what am I supposed
to do?

227
00:08:49,910 --> 00:08:52,913
You're supposed to go in the
kitchen, take some formula,

228
00:08:52,913 --> 00:08:55,956
Heat it up to 98.6 degrees, and
then feed the baby.

229
00:08:55,956 --> 00:09:00,120
Because if you don't feed the
baby, then the baby will starve,

230
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:04,214
And fetus face will turn into
little embryo bro.

231
00:09:04,214 --> 00:09:05,756
Come on.

232
00:09:05,756 --> 00:09:07,588
Ow.

233
00:09:09,009 --> 00:09:11,551
So how do I know
when it's done?

234
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:12,973
Here.

235
00:09:12,973 --> 00:09:14,725
Let me see your wrist.

236
00:09:14,725 --> 00:09:15,886
Ow!

237
00:09:15,886 --> 00:09:17,598
That means it's too hot.

238
00:09:17,598 --> 00:09:21,682
Try the other wrist.

239
00:09:21,682 --> 00:09:24,444
Ow! Still too hot.

240
00:09:24,444 --> 00:09:28,448
Yeah, so maybe you let it cool
off, and then you feed the baby.

241
00:09:28,448 --> 00:09:30,530
In the meantime,
I'm going to bed.

242
00:09:30,530 --> 00:09:32,242
Before you go, dad, I need to
talk to you for a second.

243
00:09:32,242 --> 00:09:33,784
It's about vanessa.

244
00:09:33,784 --> 00:09:35,906
Okay, what's up?
 I don't know.

245
00:09:35,906 --> 00:09:38,248
She calls my cellphone at
all hours --

246
00:09:38,248 --> 00:09:40,370
Sometimes happy,
sometimes crying,

247
00:09:40,370 --> 00:09:42,542
And sometimes just
angry with me.

248
00:09:42,542 --> 00:09:45,545
It's called hormones, son.

249
00:09:45,545 --> 00:09:47,337
Hormones?
 Yes.

250
00:09:47,337 --> 00:09:50,841
When a woman gets pregnant, her
hormone level skyrockets.

251
00:09:50,841 --> 00:09:54,474
It's kind of like pms
with extra sssss.

252
00:09:54,474 --> 00:09:57,347
Oh, she's no longer
vanessa, son.

253
00:09:57,347 --> 00:09:59,519
She is a mutant.
She's an alien.

254
00:09:59,519 --> 00:10:02,352
She's half vanessa and half
some other creature.

255
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:03,774
Like a cyborg?

256
00:10:03,774 --> 00:10:06,687
Exactly. Think of her as
the materminator.

257
00:10:06,687 --> 00:10:09,900
[ As arnold schwarzenegger ]
sent from the future

258
00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:12,112
To make your life
a living hell.

259
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,694
So what do I do?

260
00:10:13,694 --> 00:10:16,366
[ Normal voice ] you change your
name to jackass,

261
00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:18,909
And you do whatever it is she
tells you to do.

262
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:22,332
Has she started
with the cravings yet?

263
00:10:22,332 --> 00:10:24,004
Cravings?

264
00:10:24,004 --> 00:10:26,707
Yeah, like pickles and ice
cream, sardines and fudge.

265
00:10:26,707 --> 00:10:28,588
Some women even eat dirt.

266
00:10:28,588 --> 00:10:29,750
Ew!

267
00:10:29,750 --> 00:10:31,802
Yeah, with toenails.

268
00:10:31,802 --> 00:10:35,595
But I bet that three minutes of
sex was worth it, huh, son?

269
00:10:35,595 --> 00:10:38,929
Three minutes...in a row?

270
00:10:38,929 --> 00:10:41,141
Oh, you animal!

271
00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:45,726
Well, you know, sometimes
I can go five.

272
00:10:45,726 --> 00:10:47,027
Whoa!

273
00:10:47,027 --> 00:10:49,029
I've been known to
do seven...

274
00:10:49,029 --> 00:10:50,691
With alcohol.

275
00:10:53,824 --> 00:10:55,575
You were a 5:15.

276
00:10:55,575 --> 00:10:57,447
Is that how I got the hoof?

277
00:11:05,706 --> 00:11:07,878
Hello, my love.

278
00:11:07,878 --> 00:11:10,050
Hello, franklin.
Come on in.

279
00:11:10,050 --> 00:11:12,843
Are you ready for
your piano lessons?

280
00:11:12,843 --> 00:11:14,594
Today we're gonna finish

281
00:11:14,594 --> 00:11:16,136
Schubert's
"unfinished symphony."

282
00:11:16,136 --> 00:11:18,428
[ Laughs ]

283
00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:20,140
Get it?

284
00:11:20,140 --> 00:11:23,393
That nearly killed them
down at the philharmonic.

285
00:11:23,393 --> 00:11:26,396
Dilbert mcguinness
nearly dropped his cello.

286
00:11:26,396 --> 00:11:28,148
Are you done?

287
00:11:28,148 --> 00:11:30,901
I need to talk to you about
something very important.

288
00:11:30,901 --> 00:11:32,983
Anything for my muse.

289
00:11:32,983 --> 00:11:35,485
Franklin, what do you know about
the birds and the bees?

290
00:11:35,485 --> 00:11:38,368
Well, while birds are
elegant creatures

291
00:11:38,368 --> 00:11:40,741
Perfectly designed
for flight,

292
00:11:40,741 --> 00:11:43,994
The bee, one of life's many
mysteries, flies

293
00:11:43,994 --> 00:11:47,748
Even though it's aerodynamically
incapable of flight.

294
00:11:47,748 --> 00:11:50,751
No, I'm talking about the real
birds and the bees.

295
00:11:50,751 --> 00:11:52,292
I don't get it.

296
00:11:52,292 --> 00:11:54,835
Franklin, I want to have
your baby.

297
00:11:54,835 --> 00:11:56,506
But I don't have one.

298
00:11:56,506 --> 00:12:00,010
No, I found out how we can
make one together.

299
00:12:00,010 --> 00:12:02,803
Really? Cool!

300
00:12:02,803 --> 00:12:04,264
How?

301
00:12:04,264 --> 00:12:05,435
I'm surprised you
don't know all this.

302
00:12:05,435 --> 00:12:07,057
You know everything.

303
00:12:07,057 --> 00:12:09,689
They kept me out of certain
biology classes at harvard.

304
00:12:09,689 --> 00:12:11,982
They said I needed one small
corner of ignorance

305
00:12:11,982 --> 00:12:14,274
To preserve my innocence.

306
00:12:14,274 --> 00:12:16,026
Yeah, whatever.

307
00:12:16,026 --> 00:12:17,157
Do you want to know how we're
gonna do this or not?

308
00:12:17,157 --> 00:12:18,618
Yeah, tell me.

309
00:12:18,618 --> 00:12:20,620
Well, you have to put
seeds in my belly.

310
00:12:20,620 --> 00:12:22,622
What kind of seeds go
in your belly?

311
00:12:22,622 --> 00:12:25,495
Well, when a woman gets
pregnant,

312
00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:28,168
Her belly gets really big
like a pumpkin,

313
00:12:28,168 --> 00:12:29,870
So obviously pumpkin seeds.

314
00:12:29,870 --> 00:12:31,922
All right, I'll get
some pumpkin seeds,

315
00:12:31,922 --> 00:12:33,924
But how do I get them
into your belly?

316
00:12:33,924 --> 00:12:35,966
Duh! Through my
belly button.

317
00:12:35,966 --> 00:12:38,929
It sounds delightful.

318
00:12:38,929 --> 00:12:42,182
And about those
pumpkin seeds --

319
00:12:42,182 --> 00:12:43,884
Salted or plain?

320
00:12:43,884 --> 00:12:45,725
Salted.

321
00:12:45,725 --> 00:12:47,517
Shelled or unshelled?

322
00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:48,558
Shelled.

323
00:12:48,558 --> 00:12:50,020
Roasted --

324
00:12:50,020 --> 00:12:52,272
Just get the seeds!

325
00:12:56,897 --> 00:12:59,659
Damn baby -- I haven't
slept in days.

326
00:12:59,659 --> 00:13:01,241
[ Crying ]

327
00:13:01,241 --> 00:13:03,783
Oh, what's the matter,
fetus face?

328
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:06,076
What's wrong, little fetus?

329
00:13:06,076 --> 00:13:08,748
Huh? Talk to daddy.
What's wrong with you?

330
00:13:09,910 --> 00:13:11,251
[ Laughs ]

331
00:13:13,413 --> 00:13:15,585
[ High-pitched voice ]
da-da.

332
00:13:15,585 --> 00:13:17,677
Oh, your tummy's
upset, huh?

333
00:13:17,677 --> 00:13:19,469
I'm getting tired of this.

334
00:13:19,469 --> 00:13:21,761
[ Normal voice ]
me, I'm loving this.

335
00:13:21,761 --> 00:13:23,343
[ Laughs ]

336
00:13:23,343 --> 00:13:25,475
Hey, I got a surprise
for you.

337
00:13:25,475 --> 00:13:27,767
You're not gonna pee
on me, are you?

338
00:13:27,767 --> 00:13:30,560
That's a good idea, but that's
not the surprise.

339
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:33,103
Your mother and I thought it
would be nice

340
00:13:33,103 --> 00:13:35,735
For you to witness the miracle
of childbirth.

341
00:13:35,735 --> 00:13:37,397
Look at this.

342
00:13:37,397 --> 00:13:40,070
Cued it up to the fun part.

343
00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:42,322
Watch this.

344
00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:43,613
[ Moaning ]

345
00:13:43,613 --> 00:13:45,365
Huh?

346
00:13:45,365 --> 00:13:47,367
What's wrong with her?
Why is she in so much pain?

347
00:13:47,367 --> 00:13:49,289
She's giving birth
to triplets.

348
00:13:49,289 --> 00:13:51,751
That's three babies.
Look at this.

349
00:13:51,751 --> 00:13:52,873
Look.

350
00:13:52,873 --> 00:13:54,754
[ Retching ]

351
00:13:54,754 --> 00:13:56,216
That's one.

352
00:13:56,216 --> 00:13:58,088
Junior, wake up.

353
00:13:58,088 --> 00:13:59,719
Junior, wake up.
Wake up, son.

354
00:13:59,719 --> 00:14:01,551
You're gonna miss
the second one.

355
00:14:01,551 --> 00:14:03,013
Look at that, huh?

356
00:14:03,013 --> 00:14:06,426
Is that beautiful or what?

357
00:14:06,426 --> 00:14:10,390
That's two.

358
00:14:10,390 --> 00:14:11,972
Junior.
 Huh?

359
00:14:11,972 --> 00:14:14,144
Look at that.
Look at that one.

360
00:14:14,144 --> 00:14:16,736
Aah! Aah!

361
00:14:16,736 --> 00:14:19,279
That's three, and he's out.

362
00:14:19,279 --> 00:14:21,571
[ Laughs ]

363
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,913
Good morning, mama junior.

364
00:14:32,913 --> 00:14:34,454
Good morning.

365
00:14:34,454 --> 00:14:35,545
Stay.

366
00:14:35,545 --> 00:14:36,997
[ Crying ]

367
00:14:36,997 --> 00:14:38,999
Why? Why?
What's he doing?

368
00:14:38,999 --> 00:14:40,670
Sounds like something's wrong
with the baby.

369
00:14:40,670 --> 00:14:42,132
What's wrong with him?

370
00:14:42,132 --> 00:14:43,843
How would I know?
It's not my baby.

371
00:14:43,843 --> 00:14:45,505
[ Crying ]

372
00:14:45,505 --> 00:14:47,507
Dad, I can't think with you
screaming like that!

373
00:14:47,507 --> 00:14:49,509
I'm not screaming.
The baby's screaming.

374
00:14:49,509 --> 00:14:50,640
[ Crying ]

375
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,102
Why? Why?

376
00:14:52,102 --> 00:14:54,064
He can't be hungry.
I just fed him.

377
00:14:54,064 --> 00:14:56,016
Well, if you put
something in him,

378
00:14:56,016 --> 00:14:58,108
Don't you think it's
gonna come out?

379
00:14:58,108 --> 00:15:01,731
You mean I have to clean up
balloon doo?

380
00:15:01,731 --> 00:15:05,235
Maybe. Did you check
the baby's diaper?

381
00:15:05,235 --> 00:15:06,616
It doesn't have a diaper.

382
00:15:06,616 --> 00:15:08,158
Well, maybe that's why
he's crying.

383
00:15:08,158 --> 00:15:10,240
I don't know how to diaper a
balloon or a baby.

384
00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,412
Well, it's time you learned.
Come on up here.

385
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,454
Bring the baby.
I'll show you how to do it.

386
00:15:14,454 --> 00:15:16,536
In real life, it's a lot
smellier,

387
00:15:16,536 --> 00:15:18,999
So I want you to get a whiff of
this stink cheese

388
00:15:18,999 --> 00:15:21,501
To get the full effect.
Here, smell.

389
00:15:21,501 --> 00:15:23,964
[ Groaning ]

390
00:15:23,964 --> 00:15:25,845
Uh! Why do
we keep this stuff?

391
00:15:25,845 --> 00:15:27,547
I don't know.

392
00:15:27,547 --> 00:15:30,260
All right, obviously, the baby
will have two legs,

393
00:15:30,260 --> 00:15:32,602
But all you have to do
is take the diaper.

394
00:15:32,602 --> 00:15:35,435
You fold it like this, pin it,
and there you have it.

395
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:36,606
Voila.
 That easy.

396
00:15:36,606 --> 00:15:37,607
Now you do it.

397
00:15:37,607 --> 00:15:39,479
Oh, this is easy.

398
00:15:39,479 --> 00:15:41,611
You take the diaper, you fold

399
00:15:41,611 --> 00:15:43,273
It, and you pin it like this.

400
00:15:45,155 --> 00:15:48,158
[ Laughs ]

401
00:15:48,158 --> 00:15:49,489
Eh!

402
00:15:50,910 --> 00:15:52,993
Hey, dad.

403
00:15:52,993 --> 00:15:54,034
Dad!

404
00:15:54,034 --> 00:15:55,415
J. Lo, kiss me.

405
00:15:55,415 --> 00:15:57,207
Whoa, whoa.

406
00:15:58,628 --> 00:16:00,130
It's me, junior.

407
00:16:00,130 --> 00:16:01,711
Aw, man.
Boy, what you want?

408
00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:03,003
Vanessa just called.

409
00:16:03,003 --> 00:16:04,674
She said if I don't bring her

410
00:16:04,674 --> 00:16:06,256
A slice of sardine, pineapple,
and horseradish pizza,

411
00:16:06,256 --> 00:16:08,008
She might not make it through
the night.

412
00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:09,889
How and why did that
become my problem?

413
00:16:09,889 --> 00:16:11,511
I need your car.

414
00:16:11,511 --> 00:16:13,763
Well, you can't have it.
I got to get back to j. Lo.

415
00:16:13,763 --> 00:16:15,185
Dad!

416
00:16:15,185 --> 00:16:17,017
I found a pizza place
that's open,

417
00:16:17,017 --> 00:16:18,268
And they said if I bring them a
sardine and a horseradish,

418
00:16:18,268 --> 00:16:19,769
They'll make me a slice.

419
00:16:19,769 --> 00:16:21,311
Uh...

420
00:16:21,311 --> 00:16:23,563
[ Snores ]

421
00:16:23,563 --> 00:16:24,984
Dad, dad!

422
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,067
Da--

423
00:16:27,067 --> 00:16:28,698
Dad, this is nonnegotiable.

424
00:16:28,698 --> 00:16:29,699
She said if I don't bring
her the slice,

425
00:16:29,699 --> 00:16:30,910
She'll never forgive me.

426
00:16:30,910 --> 00:16:32,572
Oh, they all say that.
 Really?

427
00:16:32,572 --> 00:16:34,994
If you two don't shut up and let
me get back to denzel,

428
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,077
I'll never forgive
either one of you.

429
00:16:37,077 --> 00:16:39,709
See, your mother wants
you to -- denzel?

430
00:16:39,709 --> 00:16:41,921
That's three nights
in a row.

431
00:16:41,921 --> 00:16:44,254
Tell that to j. Lo.
Now shut up!

432
00:16:47,467 --> 00:16:50,430
Look, you can't take my car.
Ride your bike.

433
00:16:50,430 --> 00:16:51,891
The pizza place is all the
way across town,

434
00:16:51,891 --> 00:16:53,803
And it's dark out.

435
00:16:53,803 --> 00:16:57,727
Okay, well, here's a flashlight,
and don't forget your baby.

436
00:16:57,727 --> 00:16:59,939
Dad, I can't ride a bike,
hold a flashlight,

437
00:16:59,939 --> 00:17:02,021
A water balloon, a sardine,
a horseradish,

438
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:04,064
And a slice of pizza all at the
same time.

439
00:17:04,064 --> 00:17:06,816
Ah, sure you can!

440
00:17:06,816 --> 00:17:08,698
You just put the flashlight in
the mouth,

441
00:17:08,698 --> 00:17:10,200
You put the sardine
behind your ear,

442
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,531
You put the water balloon
under your shirt,

443
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:13,153
You put the horseradish
in your hat,

444
00:17:13,153 --> 00:17:15,205
And then you put the pizza in
the handlebars.

445
00:17:15,205 --> 00:17:17,077
I did it with all three
of you kids.

446
00:17:17,077 --> 00:17:19,038
Now, go on.

447
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,540
And, junior?
 Yeah?

448
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:21,831
Bring me back a slice.

449
00:17:21,831 --> 00:17:23,503
Extra cheese, a little
pepperoni.

450
00:17:26,756 --> 00:17:29,719
Hey, vanessa, yeah, I'm
on my way.

451
00:17:29,719 --> 00:17:31,551
Yeah.
[ Speaks indistinctly ]

452
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,223
Yeah, here I come.

453
00:17:33,223 --> 00:17:35,385
You changed your mind?

454
00:17:35,385 --> 00:17:37,177
Huh?

455
00:17:37,177 --> 00:17:40,140
No!

456
00:17:42,442 --> 00:17:44,564
Hey, mom, I'm pregnant.

457
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,446
What?
I beg your pardon?

458
00:17:46,446 --> 00:17:48,608
Franklin and I did it,
so I must be pregnant.

459
00:17:48,608 --> 00:17:50,360
You and franklin did what?

460
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:53,823
It. He put some seeds in my
belly, just like you told me to.

461
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:55,365
What kind of seeds?

462
00:17:55,365 --> 00:17:56,656
Pumpkin seeds.

463
00:17:56,656 --> 00:17:58,458
Oh.

464
00:17:58,458 --> 00:18:01,411
And how did pumpkin seeds find
their way into your belly?

465
00:18:01,411 --> 00:18:03,463
Through my belly button,
of course.

466
00:18:03,463 --> 00:18:07,707
You know, baby, you're too young
to be able to get pregnant.

467
00:18:07,707 --> 00:18:09,879
I'm too young to do
anything fun.

468
00:18:09,879 --> 00:18:12,472
And apparently, you're too
young to even listen.

469
00:18:12,472 --> 00:18:15,014
I told you when a husband and
wife are in love,

470
00:18:15,014 --> 00:18:16,926
They have babies.

471
00:18:16,926 --> 00:18:20,560
And as far as I know, you and
franklin aren't married.

472
00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:23,483
So you mean to tell me that
I've got a bellyful

473
00:18:23,483 --> 00:18:27,187
Of roasted, salted, unshelled
pumpkin seeds for nothing?

474
00:18:27,187 --> 00:18:29,319
Yes. But remember this day

475
00:18:29,319 --> 00:18:33,072
Because someday it'll make a
very funny story.

476
00:18:33,072 --> 00:18:36,656
It better be, because
it stinks now.

477
00:18:36,656 --> 00:18:38,368
All right, salty belly.

478
00:18:39,949 --> 00:18:42,242
Hey, mama-san,
how you doing?

479
00:18:42,242 --> 00:18:43,873
Where's the baby?

480
00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:45,585
It's sleeping right now.

481
00:18:45,585 --> 00:18:47,457
Really?
That's interesting,

482
00:18:47,457 --> 00:18:49,799
Because I just found fetus in
the fetal position

483
00:18:49,799 --> 00:18:51,551
Underneath the couch.

484
00:18:51,551 --> 00:18:54,174
That's where he was sleeping.
He likes it there.

485
00:18:54,174 --> 00:18:56,806
It's been three days since
you've had this balloon,

486
00:18:56,806 --> 00:18:59,759
And you've dropped it, you've
punctured it multiple times,

487
00:18:59,759 --> 00:19:01,601
And you've tattooed its face.

488
00:19:01,601 --> 00:19:04,764
You know what, dad?
I'm trying as hard as I can.

489
00:19:04,764 --> 00:19:07,607
Oh, is that what you're gonna
tell your kid when he gets here?

490
00:19:07,607 --> 00:19:09,359
I'm trying as hard as I can.

491
00:19:09,359 --> 00:19:11,321
See, you know what bothers
me the most?

492
00:19:11,321 --> 00:19:13,323
No, tell me.
 Your utter lack
of faith in me.

493
00:19:13,323 --> 00:19:15,365
I'm trying to do right by
vanessa and our child,

494
00:19:15,365 --> 00:19:17,407
But all you can see
are the negative things.

495
00:19:17,407 --> 00:19:19,579
I might not be a perfect father
from the start,

496
00:19:19,579 --> 00:19:21,160
But neither were you.

497
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,082
But you know what?
I'll get there.

498
00:19:23,082 --> 00:19:25,124
You said keep the balloon
alive for a week.

499
00:19:25,124 --> 00:19:26,956
It's only been three days,
and you know what?

500
00:19:26,956 --> 00:19:28,668
It's still alive.

501
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:29,919
So why don't you
just step off

502
00:19:29,919 --> 00:19:31,791
And let me raise my kid,
all right??

503
00:19:31,791 --> 00:19:34,794
[ Soft piano music ]

504
00:19:34,794 --> 00:19:42,222
♪ ♪

505
00:19:42,222 --> 00:19:44,224
♪ Good-bye ♪

506
00:19:44,224 --> 00:19:47,477
♪ Is the hardest
word to say ♪

507
00:19:47,477 --> 00:19:50,400
♪ Good-bye ♪

508
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,732
♪ Can make you cry ♪

509
00:19:52,732 --> 00:19:55,235
♪ ♪

510
00:19:55,235 --> 00:20:00,950
♪ Good-bye's the saddest
word my friend ♪

511
00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:02,622
♪ Remember ♪

512
00:20:02,622 --> 00:20:06,416
♪ Your lovely smile ♪

513
00:20:06,416 --> 00:20:08,668
♪ Because I know ♪

514
00:20:08,668 --> 00:20:11,921
♪ We're going to meet again ♪

515
00:20:11,921 --> 00:20:14,634
♪ We'll love again ♪

516
00:20:14,634 --> 00:20:17,337
♪ We'll live again ♪

517
00:20:17,337 --> 00:20:19,178
♪ Forever ♪

518
00:20:19,178 --> 00:20:22,642
♪ In true love ♪

519
00:20:22,642 --> 00:20:25,895
♪ It's the saddest thing
there is to say ♪

520
00:20:25,895 --> 00:20:28,348
♪ Good-bye ♪

521
00:20:28,348 --> 00:20:32,231
♪ It's the hardest thing
there is to say ♪

522
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:35,565
♪ Good-bye ♪

523
00:20:35,565 --> 00:20:38,358
Oh, come back to me, fetus!
Come back!

524
00:20:38,358 --> 00:20:40,740
[ Blowing ]
 he's gone, son.

525
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:43,032
No, he's not, dad!

526
00:20:43,032 --> 00:20:46,326
Junior, he's gone.
Accept it. Accept it.

527
00:20:48,958 --> 00:20:50,580
You're right, dad.

528
00:20:50,580 --> 00:20:52,542
I'm not ready to be
a father.

529
00:20:52,542 --> 00:20:54,504
I don't know
if I can do this.

530
00:20:54,504 --> 00:20:56,215
You're not in this alone.

531
00:20:56,215 --> 00:20:58,217
That's what this whole thing
was about.

532
00:20:58,217 --> 00:21:00,219
Your mother and I
are here for you.

533
00:21:00,219 --> 00:21:02,722
We just want you to elevate
your game, son.

534
00:21:02,722 --> 00:21:04,724
I will, dad.
And you know what?

535
00:21:04,724 --> 00:21:06,886
I'm gonna start by taking
that parenting class.

536
00:21:06,886 --> 00:21:09,729
Good. I got the papers
in the house.

537
00:21:09,729 --> 00:21:13,152
Come on in after you mop up
little fetus.

538
00:21:22,452 --> 00:21:24,994
You put the balloon
underneath the shirt,

539
00:21:24,994 --> 00:21:26,366
You put the sardine
behind your ear,

540
00:21:26,366 --> 00:21:27,907
You put the horseradish
under your hat.

541
00:21:27,907 --> 00:21:29,829
[ Laughs ]

542
00:21:29,829 --> 00:21:32,171
You put the sardine
under your hat,

543
00:21:32,171 --> 00:21:34,754
You put the horseradish
behind your ear.

544
00:21:34,754 --> 00:21:36,506
[ Laughs ]

545
00:21:36,506 --> 00:21:40,550
And you put the thing in your
thing and you...