1 00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:04,545 Mmm. Mmm. Mmm! 2 00:00:04,545 --> 00:00:06,177 This food was excellent. 3 00:00:06,177 --> 00:00:08,049 See, junior, this is what life is all about -- 4 00:00:08,049 --> 00:00:10,471 Having a woman that knows how to make her man 5 00:00:10,471 --> 00:00:12,303 Feel like the king of his castle. 6 00:00:12,303 --> 00:00:14,305 And it's not over yet, your highness. 7 00:00:14,305 --> 00:00:17,348 I have peach cobbler and vanilla ice cream. 8 00:00:17,348 --> 00:00:18,639 Uh-oh! 9 00:00:18,639 --> 00:00:20,981 Whoa. 10 00:00:20,981 --> 00:00:23,944 Hold on one second. I do not trust this cobbler. 11 00:00:23,944 --> 00:00:25,446 What is the matter? What? 12 00:00:25,446 --> 00:00:26,737 No, no, no, no. 13 00:00:26,737 --> 00:00:29,490 It smells [sniffs] like a price to pay. 14 00:00:29,490 --> 00:00:31,282 You remember the last time you made it? 15 00:00:31,282 --> 00:00:33,824 You tried to get me to donate a kidney to your uncle leon. 16 00:00:33,824 --> 00:00:35,786 Michael, that was pure coincidence. 17 00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:37,788 Come on. Stop being paranoid. 18 00:00:37,788 --> 00:00:38,869 You sure? 19 00:00:38,869 --> 00:00:41,001 Yes, of course I am sure. 20 00:00:41,001 --> 00:00:42,923 You positive? Yes! 21 00:00:42,923 --> 00:00:46,167 ♪ Then bring on the cobbler, give me the cobbler ♪ 22 00:00:46,167 --> 00:00:49,009 Mmm, mom, this is delicious. 23 00:00:49,009 --> 00:00:51,011 Yeah. Amen to that. 24 00:00:51,011 --> 00:00:52,763 Hey, guys, guess what I'm gonna do? 25 00:00:52,763 --> 00:00:55,976 I'm gonna go back to college. 26 00:00:55,976 --> 00:00:57,848 I knew it! 27 00:00:57,848 --> 00:01:01,232 I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! 28 00:01:01,232 --> 00:01:02,353 Michael! 29 00:01:02,353 --> 00:01:03,564 Wait. I knew it! 30 00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,186 Michael! 31 00:01:05,186 --> 00:01:07,778 I was really hoping that you wouldn't react this way. 32 00:01:07,778 --> 00:01:09,280 Jay, what is wrong with you? 33 00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:10,741 Every three months or so, 34 00:01:10,741 --> 00:01:13,614 You feel compelled to make my life a living hell. 35 00:01:13,614 --> 00:01:16,457 Now, all of the sudden, out of the clear blue sky, 36 00:01:16,457 --> 00:01:18,909 You decide to go back to college again. 37 00:01:18,909 --> 00:01:20,201 No, no, no, no, no, no. 38 00:01:20,201 --> 00:01:21,542 Not out of the clear blue sky, michael. 39 00:01:21,542 --> 00:01:22,753 It actually occurred to me last night 40 00:01:22,753 --> 00:01:24,415 At that stupid cocktail party 41 00:01:24,415 --> 00:01:26,837 When you introduced me as "just your wife." 42 00:01:26,837 --> 00:01:30,131 Oh, jay, I thought we've been through this drama before. 43 00:01:30,131 --> 00:01:33,924 You said you was fulfilled taking care of me and the kids 44 00:01:33,924 --> 00:01:36,717 And bookkeeping at the office part time. 45 00:01:36,717 --> 00:01:39,980 You know, as thrilling as all that is, michael, 46 00:01:39,980 --> 00:01:43,184 And believe me, I get all woozy and lightheaded 47 00:01:43,184 --> 00:01:45,986 From the pure excitement of it all, 48 00:01:45,986 --> 00:01:48,359 It's not enough. 49 00:01:48,359 --> 00:01:50,611 I need to do something that's just for me. 50 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:51,942 Me? 51 00:01:51,942 --> 00:01:54,195 Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. 52 00:01:54,195 --> 00:01:56,327 That's all you can think about is "me." 53 00:01:56,327 --> 00:02:00,161 What about me, jay? Huh? 54 00:02:00,161 --> 00:02:03,083 What am I supposed to do while you're off playing felicity? 55 00:02:03,083 --> 00:02:05,546 I'm not going to school at night, michael. 56 00:02:05,546 --> 00:02:08,048 I can still take care of things around here. 57 00:02:08,048 --> 00:02:10,511 You know what, this is not what I signed up for. 58 00:02:10,511 --> 00:02:12,173 We cannot have a happy marriage 59 00:02:12,173 --> 00:02:14,255 When two people are living separate lives. 60 00:02:14,255 --> 00:02:15,926 You know, why do you always go through 61 00:02:15,926 --> 00:02:17,678 These huge exaggerations? 62 00:02:17,678 --> 00:02:19,139 Everything is black and white with you. 63 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,261 There are no gray areas. 64 00:02:20,261 --> 00:02:21,642 Oh, I see gray, jay. 65 00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:24,104 I see a couple patches up in your head. 66 00:02:24,104 --> 00:02:25,566 And you might want to think about that 67 00:02:25,566 --> 00:02:28,148 Before you go off playing teenager again. 68 00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,480 You know what, the bottom line is 69 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:32,363 You can't go back because I forbid it. 70 00:02:32,363 --> 00:02:34,445 What? 71 00:02:34,445 --> 00:02:36,447 Yeah. You know why? 72 00:02:36,447 --> 00:02:38,989 You see, I had ambitions, too, jay. 73 00:02:38,989 --> 00:02:40,831 I wanted to run the high hurdles. 74 00:02:40,831 --> 00:02:43,454 But then I met you, and I decided to have a family, 75 00:02:43,454 --> 00:02:44,665 So I gave that up. 76 00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,377 No, you didn't it. 77 00:02:46,377 --> 00:02:48,999 You gave it up because you were born with a club foot. 78 00:02:50,751 --> 00:02:53,133 And that, too. 79 00:02:53,133 --> 00:02:55,135 But my point is... 80 00:02:55,135 --> 00:02:58,799 You can't go back to college because that ship has sailed. 81 00:02:58,799 --> 00:03:01,101 That's your attitude on this? That's my attitude. 82 00:03:01,101 --> 00:03:02,643 Fine. Fine. 83 00:03:02,643 --> 00:03:04,104 Fine. Fine. 84 00:03:04,104 --> 00:03:05,105 Fine! 85 00:03:05,105 --> 00:03:08,108 Fine infin-n-n-n-ity. 86 00:03:17,077 --> 00:03:18,409 Look at him. 87 00:03:18,409 --> 00:03:20,781 Now, that's a hard worker right there. 88 00:03:20,781 --> 00:03:22,122 I know. He's making me sweat. 89 00:03:22,122 --> 00:03:24,995 [ Laughs ] me too. 90 00:03:24,995 --> 00:03:28,629 Well, unlike you, my brother, we gonna pull out early. 91 00:03:28,629 --> 00:03:29,790 Yes. 92 00:03:29,790 --> 00:03:31,632 [ Door opens ] 93 00:03:31,632 --> 00:03:34,094 Hey, miss kyle. You need some help with that? 94 00:03:34,094 --> 00:03:35,546 Jay: yeah. 95 00:03:35,546 --> 00:03:38,429 Go help your mother! 96 00:03:38,429 --> 00:03:39,600 Oh, thank you. 97 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:40,971 Mom, what it this? 98 00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:42,973 Baby, this is your old crib. 99 00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:44,435 I saved it all these years. 100 00:03:44,435 --> 00:03:46,807 I'm gonna give it to you and vanessa as a gift. 101 00:03:46,807 --> 00:03:48,689 Dang, look at all these teeth marks. 102 00:03:48,689 --> 00:03:50,230 What'd y'all used to keep in here -- pit bulls? 103 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,523 [ Laughs ] 104 00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:56,357 You guys, do you have anybody else that you can go annoy? 105 00:03:56,357 --> 00:03:57,778 Steve's gonna be home soon. 106 00:03:57,778 --> 00:04:00,741 No -- craig. His mom just went food-shopping. 107 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,783 Oh, my god. I'm so famished. 108 00:04:02,783 --> 00:04:03,864 Okay, go. Bye! 109 00:04:03,864 --> 00:04:04,865 Bye, guys! 110 00:04:04,865 --> 00:04:06,206 Crazies. 111 00:04:06,206 --> 00:04:08,369 So, are you and dad still fighting? 112 00:04:08,369 --> 00:04:10,581 You know, junior, your father's a stubborn man. 113 00:04:10,581 --> 00:04:11,832 After you finish restoring that car, 114 00:04:11,832 --> 00:04:13,584 You can start restoring your father. 115 00:04:13,584 --> 00:04:16,136 Look, I usually don't get involved in these things, 116 00:04:16,136 --> 00:04:18,639 And you can tell me it's none of my business, 117 00:04:18,639 --> 00:04:21,592 But I think you going back to school is a good thing. 118 00:04:21,592 --> 00:04:24,555 Wow, junior, that is the first time 119 00:04:24,555 --> 00:04:26,937 You ever expressed an opinion about what I do, 120 00:04:26,937 --> 00:04:28,769 Other than complaining I'm too tough on you. 121 00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:30,891 But I see it as a very positive thing. 122 00:04:30,891 --> 00:04:32,943 You know, it sets a good example for us kids. 123 00:04:32,943 --> 00:04:35,275 I don't see why dad is so opposed to it. 124 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,027 Why don't you tell that to your father? 125 00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:38,569 Hmm. You see the hook? See that? 126 00:04:38,569 --> 00:04:39,570 Yeah, I remember the hook. 127 00:04:39,570 --> 00:04:40,611 Yeah, that's a target. 128 00:04:40,611 --> 00:04:41,742 That's pretty big. 129 00:04:41,742 --> 00:04:42,953 Yeah, dad's quick. Mm-hmm. 130 00:04:42,953 --> 00:04:45,366 But...i'm very happy for you, mom. 131 00:04:45,366 --> 00:04:48,619 Thank you, baby. 132 00:04:51,121 --> 00:04:53,834 Oh, hi, honey. 133 00:04:53,834 --> 00:04:55,125 [ Door closes ] 134 00:04:55,125 --> 00:04:56,547 I hope those books are for the kids 135 00:04:56,547 --> 00:04:58,719 Because I know you're not disregarding 136 00:04:58,719 --> 00:05:01,762 The law I laid down in this house. 137 00:05:05,185 --> 00:05:08,689 No, actually these are my psychology books. 138 00:05:08,689 --> 00:05:10,230 I start school on monday. 139 00:05:10,230 --> 00:05:14,234 So monday's doomsday in our marriage. 140 00:05:14,234 --> 00:05:18,439 Hmm? Monday is the armageddon of our relationship. 141 00:05:18,439 --> 00:05:21,612 Monday is the nuclear holocaust of our nuclear family. 142 00:05:21,612 --> 00:05:24,615 You know, why do you go through these exaggerations, michael? 143 00:05:24,615 --> 00:05:27,077 Come on. Don't ruin this for me, please! 144 00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:28,078 Okay. 145 00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:29,750 Where are you going? 146 00:05:29,750 --> 00:05:32,713 Well, obviously, I didn't get my point across with you. 147 00:05:32,713 --> 00:05:34,625 So, since I can't communicate with you, 148 00:05:34,625 --> 00:05:36,377 I'm calling the shrink. 149 00:05:36,377 --> 00:05:40,260 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... 150 00:05:40,260 --> 00:05:43,173 Brother. 151 00:05:44,675 --> 00:05:46,176 We don't go see dr. Mason 152 00:05:46,176 --> 00:05:48,228 Unless there's something wrong with you. 153 00:05:48,228 --> 00:05:50,731 Well, you just said there's something wrong with me. 154 00:05:50,731 --> 00:05:53,063 Yeah, but we ought to be -- 155 00:05:53,063 --> 00:05:54,314 We ough-- stop. 156 00:05:54,314 --> 00:05:57,317 We ought to be -- 157 00:05:57,317 --> 00:05:59,740 Now! 158 00:05:59,740 --> 00:06:02,863 We ought to be able to work this out 159 00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:04,154 Without bringing a third party in, babe. 160 00:06:04,154 --> 00:06:05,155 Come on. 161 00:06:05,155 --> 00:06:06,827 Aha! 162 00:06:06,827 --> 00:06:08,869 Now I know I'm right. 163 00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:11,912 Because you're saying all the little things I say 164 00:06:11,912 --> 00:06:13,293 When I know I'm wrong! 165 00:06:13,293 --> 00:06:15,546 See, I'm calling dr. Mason. 166 00:06:15,546 --> 00:06:16,837 Unless... 167 00:06:16,837 --> 00:06:18,799 You're scared... 168 00:06:18,799 --> 00:06:21,131 Sister. 169 00:06:22,423 --> 00:06:23,504 N-no. 170 00:06:23,504 --> 00:06:25,385 I'm not scared... 171 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,137 'Cause I know I'm right. 172 00:06:27,137 --> 00:06:29,510 Well, let's let the good dr. Mason 173 00:06:29,510 --> 00:06:31,722 Decide who's right... 174 00:06:31,722 --> 00:06:34,064 And who's wrong. 175 00:06:34,064 --> 00:06:36,396 [ Laughs ] 176 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,779 Michael, you're wrong! 177 00:06:38,779 --> 00:06:40,190 Yes! Yes! 178 00:06:40,190 --> 00:06:43,153 But not for the reasons you think, jay. 179 00:06:43,153 --> 00:06:46,406 I'm not siding with you. I never take sides. 180 00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:51,371 Because I'm not your friend. 181 00:06:51,371 --> 00:06:52,913 I'm just here to help. 182 00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,745 So then how am I wrong? 183 00:06:54,745 --> 00:06:58,128 You say that you're opposed to jay going back to school 184 00:06:58,128 --> 00:07:00,300 Because it would take her away 185 00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:03,423 From her responsibilities as a wife and a mother. 186 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,345 That's right. That's wrong. 187 00:07:05,345 --> 00:07:09,640 The truth of the matter is you feel threatened. 188 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:13,353 Now, michael, I know about your inner child. 189 00:07:13,353 --> 00:07:18,859 He's scared, confused, and afraid of abandonment. 190 00:07:18,859 --> 00:07:22,693 He's probably remembering the times 191 00:07:22,693 --> 00:07:24,525 That he was locked in the closet 192 00:07:24,525 --> 00:07:27,948 Of that cold, one-bedroom apartment in cleveland, 193 00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:30,370 Begging mama not to leave him again. 194 00:07:30,370 --> 00:07:33,914 "Mama, don't..." 195 00:07:33,914 --> 00:07:39,249 Only to have her return days later in a drunken stupor 196 00:07:39,249 --> 00:07:42,503 With another strange man who hated that little boy 197 00:07:42,503 --> 00:07:45,676 And kept saying, "I'm not your friend! 198 00:07:45,676 --> 00:07:48,549 I'm not your friend!" Dr. Mason! Dr. Mason! 199 00:07:50,551 --> 00:07:52,052 My point being... 200 00:07:52,052 --> 00:07:55,095 The idea of your wife 201 00:07:55,095 --> 00:07:59,309 Having a life that doesn't revolve around you 202 00:07:59,309 --> 00:08:02,062 Scares the hell out of you. 203 00:08:02,062 --> 00:08:04,695 You don't want to be left behind. 204 00:08:04,695 --> 00:08:06,567 That's deep. That's deep right there. 205 00:08:06,567 --> 00:08:08,068 That's deep nonsense. 206 00:08:08,068 --> 00:08:09,950 The simple fact of the matter is 207 00:08:09,950 --> 00:08:12,282 If she doesn't do what she's supposed to do, 208 00:08:12,282 --> 00:08:13,664 Then stuff doesn't get done, 209 00:08:13,664 --> 00:08:16,827 And the thing we call family breaks down. 210 00:08:16,827 --> 00:08:18,118 He doesn't think that I can do both. 211 00:08:18,118 --> 00:08:19,540 You can't. 212 00:08:19,540 --> 00:08:21,712 But you don't know that for a fact. 213 00:08:21,712 --> 00:08:24,174 But what I do know for a fact... 214 00:08:25,385 --> 00:08:27,337 ...is you're a crackpot, 215 00:08:27,337 --> 00:08:29,219 And I'm sick and tired of spending $200 an hour 216 00:08:29,219 --> 00:08:30,931 To be told that I'm wrong. 217 00:08:30,931 --> 00:08:33,223 Michael, I don't see why you're acting like this. 218 00:08:33,223 --> 00:08:34,685 This was your idea to come here. 219 00:08:34,685 --> 00:08:36,557 Yeah, well, now it's my idea to leave. 220 00:08:36,557 --> 00:08:38,398 You two chat amongst yourselves. 221 00:08:38,398 --> 00:08:43,443 Because right now, "I'm not your friend!" 222 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:55,495 Mom, I love this new lipstick. 223 00:08:55,495 --> 00:08:57,157 It's a great color for me. Don't you think? 224 00:08:57,157 --> 00:08:58,869 You know, claire, when a person becomes self-absorbed 225 00:08:58,869 --> 00:09:00,290 And overly concerned with their appearance, 226 00:09:00,290 --> 00:09:01,712 It usually means they're hiding something. 227 00:09:01,712 --> 00:09:03,714 It says so right here in this book -- 228 00:09:03,714 --> 00:09:05,005 That they really hate themselves. 229 00:09:05,005 --> 00:09:06,667 It's that self-loathing 230 00:09:06,667 --> 00:09:08,589 That leads to destructive relationships, 231 00:09:08,589 --> 00:09:10,300 Depression, alcoholism, drug abuse, 232 00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:11,632 And eventually suicide. 233 00:09:11,632 --> 00:09:13,513 But that is a pretty color on you. 234 00:09:13,513 --> 00:09:16,637 [ Sobbing ] 235 00:09:18,889 --> 00:09:22,022 What? I said it was pretty. 236 00:09:26,446 --> 00:09:31,862 ♪ Love is kind of crazy with a spooky little girl like jay ♪ 237 00:09:31,862 --> 00:09:33,363 Hey, dad. 238 00:09:33,363 --> 00:09:36,617 Oh, hey, baby. You want to play piano with me? 239 00:09:36,617 --> 00:09:38,078 I'm not sure I can. 240 00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,539 Why not? 241 00:09:39,539 --> 00:09:42,542 'Cause mom says I've got a.d.d. 242 00:09:42,542 --> 00:09:43,964 She diagnosed me. 243 00:09:43,964 --> 00:09:45,125 That's why I'm desperate for attention, 244 00:09:45,125 --> 00:09:46,837 And I want to stay a little girl 245 00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:49,259 Even though I'm moving rapidly towards my teenage years... 246 00:09:49,259 --> 00:09:51,712 And eventually, suicide. 247 00:09:51,712 --> 00:09:53,133 Come here. 248 00:09:53,133 --> 00:09:54,885 I don't want to hear you talk like that. 249 00:09:54,885 --> 00:09:56,476 Have you ever heard 250 00:09:56,476 --> 00:09:58,218 "A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing"? 251 00:09:58,218 --> 00:09:59,720 Sure I did. 252 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:00,811 That's what it said under junior's picture 253 00:10:00,811 --> 00:10:01,982 In his yearbook. 254 00:10:01,982 --> 00:10:03,483 [ Laughs ] 255 00:10:03,483 --> 00:10:05,646 Yeah, that, too. 256 00:10:05,646 --> 00:10:08,278 But it's also a description of your mom right now. 257 00:10:08,278 --> 00:10:10,030 See, she's got a little bit of knowledge, 258 00:10:10,030 --> 00:10:12,232 So she's overanalyzing everything. 259 00:10:12,232 --> 00:10:14,074 So I don't have a.d.d.? 260 00:10:14,074 --> 00:10:15,575 Yes, you do. 261 00:10:15,575 --> 00:10:19,449 And that stands for "a dear dad" that loves you. 262 00:10:19,449 --> 00:10:20,791 [ Scoffs ] 263 00:10:20,791 --> 00:10:22,452 You're just saying that because mom says 264 00:10:22,452 --> 00:10:24,414 That you're symbiotically attached to me. 265 00:10:24,414 --> 00:10:25,666 Jay! 266 00:10:25,666 --> 00:10:27,838 Jay! 267 00:10:27,838 --> 00:10:29,299 Tell me what you see. 268 00:10:29,299 --> 00:10:31,551 Okay, I got it. All right. Okay. 269 00:10:31,551 --> 00:10:34,174 I see the light that shines in every human being -- 270 00:10:34,174 --> 00:10:35,515 The luminous tendrils 271 00:10:35,515 --> 00:10:37,257 That connect you to the well of spirits 272 00:10:37,257 --> 00:10:39,139 In the dark pieta of the universe. 273 00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:40,600 Wrong. It's a squirrel. 274 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:42,853 Oh, right! It is a squirrel. I can see it now. 275 00:10:42,853 --> 00:10:44,354 There's a furry little tail -- that's the head. 276 00:10:44,354 --> 00:10:45,435 That's what I said. 277 00:10:45,435 --> 00:10:46,476 Jay, we need to talk. 278 00:10:46,476 --> 00:10:48,148 Not now, michael. 279 00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:50,030 I'm trying to help junior with his bipolar schizophrenia. 280 00:10:50,030 --> 00:10:52,693 Yeah, mom's doing a psychological profile of me. 281 00:10:52,693 --> 00:10:55,325 Hey, dad, what does this look like to you? 282 00:10:55,325 --> 00:10:56,697 I don't know. 283 00:10:56,697 --> 00:10:57,828 The luminous tendrils that connect you 284 00:10:57,828 --> 00:10:59,079 To the well of spirits 285 00:10:59,079 --> 00:11:01,411 In the dark pieta of the universe? 286 00:11:03,203 --> 00:11:04,624 Or a squirrel. 287 00:11:04,624 --> 00:11:06,707 Michael, you're interrupting us. Please. 288 00:11:06,707 --> 00:11:09,249 No, I'm not interrupting, jay. I'm stopping this. 289 00:11:09,249 --> 00:11:11,341 You got everybody in this house thinking they're crazy. 290 00:11:11,341 --> 00:11:12,883 Well, if you'll excuse me, 291 00:11:12,883 --> 00:11:15,255 I have to go check on my other personalities. 292 00:11:15,255 --> 00:11:17,097 I told you you was crazy. 293 00:11:17,097 --> 00:11:18,298 I ain't crazy. 294 00:11:18,298 --> 00:11:20,430 Yes, you is. 295 00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:22,142 You see this, jay? 296 00:11:22,142 --> 00:11:23,473 You got everybody thinking there's something wrong 297 00:11:23,473 --> 00:11:25,225 With them, and I don't like it. 298 00:11:25,225 --> 00:11:27,227 My, my, my, we're being passive-aggressive, aren't we? 299 00:11:27,227 --> 00:11:28,608 No, we're being active-aggressive. 300 00:11:28,608 --> 00:11:30,190 This has got to stop. 301 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:32,362 You just don't want me to go to school, michael. 302 00:11:32,362 --> 00:11:35,776 No, you can go to school, jay. I changed my mind about that. 303 00:11:35,776 --> 00:11:37,197 But go to school for something 304 00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:38,869 That's gonna benefit our relationship. 305 00:11:38,869 --> 00:11:40,871 Why don't you get your master's in sex? 306 00:11:40,871 --> 00:11:42,743 That way, I can be behind you the whole way. 307 00:11:42,743 --> 00:11:45,415 Why do you always reduce everything to sex? 308 00:11:45,415 --> 00:11:46,666 Why is that, michael? 309 00:11:46,666 --> 00:11:48,378 Did your gym teacher touch you 310 00:11:48,378 --> 00:11:50,000 While you were climbing the rope? 311 00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:51,711 You know what, jay? 312 00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:55,215 I don't want to get caught up in your psychobabble, okay? 313 00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:59,800 And mr. Grabbins was just trying to help me pass the test. 314 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:04,474 He said it was our little secret. 315 00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:08,939 Yes, now we're getting somewhere. 316 00:12:08,939 --> 00:12:11,311 Michael, I need for you to trust me. 317 00:12:11,311 --> 00:12:13,904 Because I can help you get over this hump. 318 00:12:13,904 --> 00:12:16,857 You never get over the hump, jay. 319 00:12:16,857 --> 00:12:19,699 My point is, michael, 320 00:12:19,699 --> 00:12:24,034 Everybody in this house has some serious psychological issues 321 00:12:24,034 --> 00:12:25,455 That they're in denial about. 322 00:12:25,455 --> 00:12:28,498 You know what? The thing -- 323 00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:31,421 You'd go that low? 324 00:12:34,464 --> 00:12:37,467 [ Piano music plays ] 325 00:12:42,642 --> 00:12:47,017 No, no, no! No, no, no! 326 00:12:47,017 --> 00:12:49,059 You call yourself a pianist? 327 00:12:49,059 --> 00:12:51,561 I played it flawlessly. What am I missing? 328 00:12:51,561 --> 00:12:53,483 Missing pizzazz, kid. 329 00:12:53,483 --> 00:12:55,775 You're missing a certain je-ne-sais-quoi. 330 00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:57,357 You're missing -- you need more -- more... 331 00:12:57,357 --> 00:12:59,990 Fromage. 332 00:12:59,990 --> 00:13:01,741 Cheese? 333 00:13:01,741 --> 00:13:04,574 Yes, there's not enough cheese in your play. 334 00:13:04,574 --> 00:13:06,746 Here, let me show you. Scoot over, scoot over. 335 00:13:06,746 --> 00:13:11,461 Let me show you how to -- ahh. 336 00:13:11,461 --> 00:13:15,295 [ Sighs ] 337 00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,918 [ Plays off-key ] 338 00:13:28,058 --> 00:13:31,811 [ Sniffling, crying ] 339 00:13:36,026 --> 00:13:37,898 [ Sighs ] 340 00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,741 That was certainly cheesy. 341 00:13:43,904 --> 00:13:46,446 I don't think I'll ever be able to do that. 342 00:13:46,446 --> 00:13:48,708 Oh, sure, you will. 343 00:13:48,708 --> 00:13:51,001 Anyhoo... 344 00:13:51,001 --> 00:13:54,004 You have a doctorate in psychology, don't you? 345 00:13:54,004 --> 00:13:55,835 Yeah, two of them. Why? 346 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:58,088 Well, jay has started a course in psychology, 347 00:13:58,088 --> 00:14:00,550 And she's driving everybody around here crazy. 348 00:14:00,550 --> 00:14:04,724 Ooh...classic delusions of grandeur. 349 00:14:04,724 --> 00:14:06,726 Yeah, that's exactly what it is. 350 00:14:06,726 --> 00:14:10,430 There's nothing worse than an amateur shrink. 351 00:14:10,430 --> 00:14:12,973 You know, when my uncle thaddeus was in med school, 352 00:14:12,973 --> 00:14:18,478 He misdiagnosed me with a.d.d., Ocd, and o.p.p. 353 00:14:18,478 --> 00:14:20,981 [ Laughs ] 354 00:14:20,981 --> 00:14:23,153 The last one's a joke. Remember? 355 00:14:23,153 --> 00:14:24,574 ♪ You down with o.p.p. ♪ 356 00:14:24,574 --> 00:14:25,655 ♪ Yeah, you know me ♪ 357 00:14:25,655 --> 00:14:26,987 ♪ You down with o.p.p. ♪ 358 00:14:26,987 --> 00:14:28,158 ♪ Yeah, you know me ♪ 359 00:14:28,158 --> 00:14:29,369 ♪ You down with o.p.p. ♪ 360 00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:30,370 ♪ Yeah, you know me ♪ 361 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:31,751 Joke's over. 362 00:14:34,164 --> 00:14:36,456 Sorry. 363 00:14:36,456 --> 00:14:39,960 Here's what I think you should do. 364 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,212 You have anything to write down notes with? 365 00:14:42,212 --> 00:14:44,674 Yeah, right here. 366 00:14:44,674 --> 00:14:46,386 The first thing you should do 367 00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:48,598 Is take a more aggressive position. 368 00:14:48,598 --> 00:14:53,393 "A more aggressive position." 369 00:14:56,146 --> 00:14:57,938 [ Knock on door ] 370 00:14:57,938 --> 00:14:58,979 Junior, I -- 371 00:14:58,979 --> 00:15:00,610 [ Grunts ] hey, mom. 372 00:15:00,610 --> 00:15:03,323 Junior, what happened to the crib? 373 00:15:03,323 --> 00:15:04,945 I don't know. 374 00:15:04,945 --> 00:15:07,157 I was just looking for it. It's not under the car. 375 00:15:10,530 --> 00:15:12,532 Okay, just let's back up for a second. 376 00:15:12,532 --> 00:15:14,914 The crib doesn't have legs. When's the last time you saw it? 377 00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,416 The last time I remember seeing it 378 00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,498 Was when I showed it to john and mike. 379 00:15:18,498 --> 00:15:19,960 Well, those two are knuckleheads, 380 00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:21,421 But I don't see why they would steal a crib. 381 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:24,424 [ Horn honks ] 382 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,636 Oh, my god! 383 00:15:28,308 --> 00:15:31,101 Oh, yeah. You know it's time, miss kyle. 384 00:15:31,101 --> 00:15:34,054 And check out the rims, man. They spin. 385 00:15:34,054 --> 00:15:36,436 Oh, my god. They're still spinning. 386 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:38,728 Good heavens. I'm getting nauseous. 387 00:15:38,728 --> 00:15:40,150 Wow! 388 00:15:40,150 --> 00:15:42,482 What did you do to my baby's crib? 389 00:15:42,482 --> 00:15:43,903 It's cool, miss kyle. 390 00:15:43,903 --> 00:15:45,155 We were just trying to give it some extra flavor. 391 00:15:45,155 --> 00:15:46,776 You know, hook it up. 392 00:15:46,776 --> 00:15:48,568 Miss kyle, this crib is going to be on "cribs." 393 00:15:48,568 --> 00:15:50,030 Oh, yeah, it does so many things, 394 00:15:50,030 --> 00:15:51,331 Junior won't even have to watch the baby. 395 00:15:51,331 --> 00:15:53,833 [ Motor whirs ] 396 00:15:53,833 --> 00:15:55,285 Hey! 397 00:15:55,285 --> 00:15:56,997 Oh, dear, I'm not trying to hurt him. 398 00:15:56,997 --> 00:15:58,498 I'm not trying to hurt him! 399 00:16:01,041 --> 00:16:02,712 I don't know why mom's going back to school. 400 00:16:02,712 --> 00:16:03,963 I can't wait to get out. 401 00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:05,755 I think it's good for her. 402 00:16:05,755 --> 00:16:08,218 I don't. I think she's going through some midlife crisis. 403 00:16:08,218 --> 00:16:09,219 Why do you say that? 404 00:16:09,219 --> 00:16:10,850 This morning, 405 00:16:10,850 --> 00:16:12,972 I caught her trying to squeeze into my "juicy" sweat pants. 406 00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:14,894 She could hardly get them past her knees, 407 00:16:14,894 --> 00:16:16,436 But when she finally did, 408 00:16:16,436 --> 00:16:18,648 The letter "j" popped off and flew out the window. 409 00:16:18,648 --> 00:16:20,190 [ Laughs ] 410 00:16:20,190 --> 00:16:22,312 Hey, you guys! I'm so sorry I'm late. 411 00:16:22,312 --> 00:16:24,274 I had study group with all the other kids, 412 00:16:24,274 --> 00:16:25,865 And we just lost track of time. 413 00:16:25,865 --> 00:16:27,607 Other kids? Yeah! 414 00:16:27,607 --> 00:16:30,070 Oh, the other kids have a nickname for me already. 415 00:16:30,070 --> 00:16:31,821 They call me "uicy." 416 00:16:31,821 --> 00:16:35,115 "What's up, uicy?" "What's up, uicy?" Ahh! 417 00:16:35,115 --> 00:16:36,746 Why? 418 00:16:36,746 --> 00:16:38,248 Junior, come on. 419 00:16:38,248 --> 00:16:40,170 Obviously, it's because I see things so clearly. 420 00:16:40,170 --> 00:16:43,213 Oh, my gosh. Do you know it, guys? 421 00:16:43,213 --> 00:16:44,754 Oh. 422 00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:47,257 Well, well, well. If it isn't old school. 423 00:16:47,257 --> 00:16:49,719 [ Dopey voice ] you're crazy. 424 00:16:49,719 --> 00:16:50,890 Look at this place. 425 00:16:50,890 --> 00:16:53,093 Michael, don't start, okay? 426 00:16:53,093 --> 00:16:54,554 Look, jay, I got to start. 427 00:16:54,554 --> 00:16:56,516 Look at this house. It's in shambles. 428 00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:58,638 Michael, I'm so tired. Please! 429 00:16:58,638 --> 00:17:01,351 Are you too tired to help me out with a psychological problem 430 00:17:01,351 --> 00:17:02,692 That I'm having? 431 00:17:02,692 --> 00:17:04,234 Wait, no, that's right up my alley. 432 00:17:04,234 --> 00:17:05,235 I'd love to help. 433 00:17:05,235 --> 00:17:07,147 I have this employee 434 00:17:07,147 --> 00:17:09,859 That's exhibiting some very destructive behavior. 435 00:17:09,859 --> 00:17:10,860 Go on, go on. 436 00:17:10,860 --> 00:17:12,412 Yeah, I made a list. 437 00:17:12,412 --> 00:17:13,783 See, here's some of the things she's doing. 438 00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:15,705 She's self-absorbed, too judgmental, 439 00:17:15,705 --> 00:17:16,916 And overly analytical. 440 00:17:16,916 --> 00:17:18,748 Mnh-mnh. You know what? 441 00:17:18,748 --> 00:17:20,160 From what you're telling me, 442 00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:23,163 I believe that she is suffering from 443 00:17:23,163 --> 00:17:25,085 "Delusions of grandeur..." Right. 444 00:17:25,085 --> 00:17:27,297 "Bordering megalomania." Bordering megalomania. 445 00:17:27,297 --> 00:17:28,428 Yes, yes! 446 00:17:28,428 --> 00:17:30,090 So how do I confront her? 447 00:17:30,090 --> 00:17:31,801 Well, you just can't confront her directly. No? 448 00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:33,763 No, she'll get all defensive and stuff. 449 00:17:33,763 --> 00:17:35,435 You got to let her see it in herself. 450 00:17:35,435 --> 00:17:36,936 What if I've done all that? 451 00:17:36,936 --> 00:17:40,140 What if I've exhausted every psychological ploy, 452 00:17:40,140 --> 00:17:41,481 And it's still not working? 453 00:17:41,481 --> 00:17:42,602 What do I do then? 454 00:17:42,602 --> 00:17:44,314 Sometimes, michael, 455 00:17:44,314 --> 00:17:46,606 You just got to grab them by the shoulders... Mm-hmm. 456 00:17:46,606 --> 00:17:48,398 Look them lovingly in the eye... 457 00:17:48,398 --> 00:17:50,450 Then shake them real hard and say, 458 00:17:50,450 --> 00:17:52,862 "Hey! You're acting like a nut!" 459 00:17:52,862 --> 00:17:54,994 Like that. 460 00:17:54,994 --> 00:17:56,196 That's what it says in the book, too. 461 00:17:56,196 --> 00:17:57,537 And that works? Yeah, oh, yeah. 462 00:17:57,537 --> 00:17:59,659 [ Laughs ] thank you, baby. 463 00:17:59,659 --> 00:18:01,541 You're welcome, babe. 464 00:18:07,917 --> 00:18:10,089 Hey, you're acting like a nut! 465 00:18:11,971 --> 00:18:13,473 Michael richard kyle, 466 00:18:13,473 --> 00:18:15,215 I can't believe you tricked me like that! 467 00:18:15,215 --> 00:18:17,347 Actually, it was franklin's idea. 468 00:18:17,347 --> 00:18:20,019 What the hell does franklin know? 469 00:18:20,019 --> 00:18:23,683 Both of his books of been widely discredited. 470 00:18:23,683 --> 00:18:24,774 What happened to "j"? 471 00:18:24,774 --> 00:18:27,397 Nothing happened to jay, baby! 472 00:18:27,397 --> 00:18:30,730 She's still the same person. She's just smarter! 473 00:18:30,730 --> 00:18:32,732 No, I'm talking about the "j" on your behind. 474 00:18:32,732 --> 00:18:34,154 What? 475 00:18:34,154 --> 00:18:35,825 [ Gasps ] oh! 476 00:18:35,825 --> 00:18:39,078 What kind of foolishness? 477 00:18:39,078 --> 00:18:41,741 Be careful with that "u." It's hanging on for dear life. 478 00:18:41,741 --> 00:18:44,624 "Uicy"! 479 00:18:54,964 --> 00:18:56,306 Hey, wake up, felicity. 480 00:18:56,306 --> 00:18:58,057 Dissociative disorder... Is more common in... 481 00:18:58,057 --> 00:19:00,640 Jay, jay -- we need to talk. 482 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,352 No, I need to finish this. 483 00:19:02,352 --> 00:19:04,474 No, you can finish this in the morning. 484 00:19:04,474 --> 00:19:06,065 This is much more important. 485 00:19:06,065 --> 00:19:08,067 I am so tired of arguing. 486 00:19:08,067 --> 00:19:09,439 Okay. 487 00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:11,441 Then let's really talk this time. 488 00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,365 I'm unhappy. 489 00:19:15,365 --> 00:19:18,157 So what should we do about it? 490 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:21,581 [ Sighs ] you got to help me help us. 491 00:19:21,581 --> 00:19:24,664 I mean, there's got to be a way to fix this. 492 00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:29,128 Well, I suppose I have possibly bit off 493 00:19:29,128 --> 00:19:30,750 A little bit more than I could chew. 494 00:19:30,750 --> 00:19:33,423 A little bit? Okay, a lot. 495 00:19:33,423 --> 00:19:36,716 Okay, I'm happy to hear you say that. 496 00:19:36,716 --> 00:19:38,888 Now, I suppose that I haven't done 497 00:19:38,888 --> 00:19:40,680 All that I could to help out around here. 498 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:44,264 I could absolutely put my dishes in the dishwasher, 499 00:19:44,264 --> 00:19:46,356 And junior could pick up clothes around the house, 500 00:19:46,356 --> 00:19:48,228 And it's about time that claire and kady 501 00:19:48,228 --> 00:19:49,979 Start earning their keep around here. 502 00:19:49,979 --> 00:19:52,732 Wait. Why the change of heart, michael? 503 00:19:52,732 --> 00:19:54,404 It's simple. 504 00:19:54,404 --> 00:19:56,406 I love "uicy." 505 00:19:59,319 --> 00:20:02,282 Okay, well... I'm sorry, okay? 506 00:20:02,282 --> 00:20:03,913 I just -- babe, I got so excited 507 00:20:03,913 --> 00:20:05,665 About all the stuff that I was learning 508 00:20:05,665 --> 00:20:08,127 That I couldn't wait to come home and try it out on somebody. 509 00:20:08,127 --> 00:20:10,039 I don't think you've done any permanent damage. 510 00:20:10,039 --> 00:20:11,461 Yeah. 511 00:20:11,461 --> 00:20:13,543 Now, listen, I'm not gonna pretend 512 00:20:13,543 --> 00:20:15,755 That I like you going back to school. 513 00:20:15,755 --> 00:20:18,968 But if you'll promise you'll stop analyzing everyone, 514 00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:22,262 I think I can learn to live with it. 515 00:20:22,262 --> 00:20:27,397 I just decided I'm gonna scale back my classes, go part time. 516 00:20:27,397 --> 00:20:28,728 It doesn't matter how long it takes for me 517 00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:29,849 To get my degree, right? 518 00:20:29,849 --> 00:20:31,561 It's a deal. 519 00:20:31,561 --> 00:20:34,193 It's a deal. Ohh, that was great! 520 00:20:34,193 --> 00:20:36,946 You gave a little. I gave a little. 521 00:20:36,946 --> 00:20:39,859 Speaking of giving a little. I got something for you. 522 00:20:39,859 --> 00:20:41,951 [ Gasps ] oh, baby! 523 00:20:41,951 --> 00:20:43,413 Where did you find it? 524 00:20:43,413 --> 00:20:47,287 It was on our neighbor's roof. 525 00:20:47,287 --> 00:20:48,748 Okay. 526 00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:50,169 Hey. 527 00:20:50,169 --> 00:20:51,711 What? 528 00:20:51,711 --> 00:20:54,173 Now we both got our "j" back. 529 00:20:54,173 --> 00:20:56,876 Yeah. 530 00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:09,689 God, I hate these stupid functions. 531 00:21:09,689 --> 00:21:11,441 Yeah, me too, but this is the way I keep up my contacts 532 00:21:11,441 --> 00:21:12,852 In the business world. 533 00:21:12,852 --> 00:21:14,023 Yeah, but why do I have to be here, michael? 534 00:21:14,023 --> 00:21:15,395 This is all about you. 535 00:21:15,395 --> 00:21:17,397 I have to be perceived as a -- what was it? 536 00:21:17,397 --> 00:21:20,490 Man: a stable, well-rounded... 537 00:21:20,490 --> 00:21:22,201 I can always refer to my script. 538 00:21:22,201 --> 00:21:25,034 Ha ha! Ah ha!