1 00:00:55,434 --> 00:00:57,153 Right. Now, Dad! 2 00:00:57,154 --> 00:01:02,394 Ah, now come on, son, play the game, you know better than that! What? 3 00:01:04,874 --> 00:01:06,994 I'll get out of the way and then you can turn it... 4 00:01:13,234 --> 00:01:15,674 Oops! What you playing at, man? 5 00:01:18,474 --> 00:01:21,074 Don't worry son, just stay where you are. I'm coming! 6 00:01:34,114 --> 00:01:37,273 Sorry, I don't work here. But you just said you did. 7 00:01:37,274 --> 00:01:39,393 No, I said I work here. 8 00:01:39,394 --> 00:01:41,953 Well, if you work in there, what are you doing out here? 9 00:01:41,954 --> 00:01:43,953 Well, I am allowed to move about, you know. 10 00:01:43,954 --> 00:01:47,673 When a customer comes in, I don't just appear in the corner of the shop like Mr Ben! 11 00:01:47,674 --> 00:01:49,713 Who's Mr Ben? Is that the manager? 12 00:01:49,714 --> 00:01:52,753 No, he's... Look, I have nothing to do with them, 13 00:01:52,754 --> 00:01:54,913 I pay them to be here. 14 00:01:54,914 --> 00:01:59,633 Oh, you mean you're here on holiday? Well, why didn't you say? 15 00:01:59,634 --> 00:02:04,674 Listen I'm here on my own, if you fancy a game of dominoes later. Gavin! 16 00:02:05,954 --> 00:02:08,393 They've lost the luggage! Oh, come here! 17 00:02:08,394 --> 00:02:11,473 Welcome back to paradise! How have they lost the luggage? 18 00:02:11,474 --> 00:02:13,914 They put the cases in the coach as we were getting on. 19 00:02:13,915 --> 00:02:18,554 It's no good telling him, he doesn't work here. We need to find Mr Ben. 20 00:02:19,634 --> 00:02:21,633 Where's Troy? I'm here on my own. 21 00:02:21,634 --> 00:02:23,913 What?! So am I! 22 00:02:23,914 --> 00:02:26,033 Why don't we have a threesome? 23 00:02:26,034 --> 00:02:28,673 I beg your pardon? Dominoes. 24 00:02:28,674 --> 00:02:31,553 Oh no, I've just remembered, 25 00:02:31,554 --> 00:02:33,793 they were in my case as well! 26 00:02:33,794 --> 00:02:36,674 Oh, blood and sand! 27 00:02:37,914 --> 00:02:39,594 Excuse me! 28 00:02:40,754 --> 00:02:44,833 So this is the empire. No wonder Vidal Sassoon has retired. 29 00:02:44,834 --> 00:02:47,153 What do you mean, you're here on your own? 30 00:02:47,154 --> 00:02:50,113 Can we talk about this later? I need to see them about my luggage. 31 00:02:50,114 --> 00:02:53,473 Oh, there's no manager here. I want to know why you're here on your own. 32 00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:55,394 Aren't you going to give me the grand tour? 33 00:02:55,395 --> 00:02:57,593 It's just two sinks and a set of heated rollers. 34 00:02:57,594 --> 00:03:00,193 Come on, I think me and you need to have a little talk! 35 00:03:00,194 --> 00:03:05,553 Well, have you got any dominoes I can borrow until the cases turn up? 36 00:03:05,554 --> 00:03:10,033 I'm here on me own and they were going to be my ice breaker. 37 00:03:10,034 --> 00:03:11,833 I think you should explain to us 38 00:03:11,834 --> 00:03:14,953 why not only have all our cases disappeared into thin air, 39 00:03:14,954 --> 00:03:18,313 but why no one was there to meet and greet when we got off the bus? 40 00:03:18,314 --> 00:03:21,673 Meet and greet? Where do you think you are, Disneyland? 41 00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:29,594 You should watch what you say, young man, 42 00:03:29,595 --> 00:03:31,833 I've a lot of experience in the travel industry. 43 00:03:31,834 --> 00:03:34,673 I spent three years under Richard Branson. 44 00:03:34,674 --> 00:03:38,833 Oooh, is he the fella in the balloon? 45 00:03:38,834 --> 00:03:42,953 I always thought he was one of the Bee Gees. 46 00:03:42,954 --> 00:03:45,953 And that coach driver was positively possessed. 47 00:03:45,954 --> 00:03:49,833 There's a 60-year-old woman, with angina, sitting outside 48 00:03:49,834 --> 00:03:51,593 breathing into a paper bag. 49 00:03:51,594 --> 00:03:53,554 I've never had a journey like it in my life! 50 00:03:53,555 --> 00:03:56,313 Look, the company who drive the coach are the responsibles. 51 00:03:56,314 --> 00:03:58,833 You need to talk to your travel company rep, not me, OK? 52 00:03:58,834 --> 00:04:01,274 No, no, no, no, it isn't OK! And I want your name. 53 00:04:03,394 --> 00:04:06,393 Mateo, my name is Mateo. 54 00:04:06,394 --> 00:04:08,673 Are you blind as well as stupid? 55 00:04:08,674 --> 00:04:13,833 Blind man's buff! You only need an head scarf for that! 56 00:04:13,834 --> 00:04:17,074 Mind you, that's in my case as well. 57 00:04:18,314 --> 00:04:21,953 Please excuse my associate, he's still learning the language. 58 00:04:21,954 --> 00:04:25,113 Get out to the pool bar, this place is falling apart. 59 00:04:25,114 --> 00:04:27,753 All the cases are missing. 60 00:04:27,754 --> 00:04:30,393 How do you expect people to start their holidays 61 00:04:30,394 --> 00:04:32,754 when they haven't got any clothes to change into? 62 00:04:32,755 --> 00:04:35,473 Well, I'm sure we can liaise with the coach company 63 00:04:35,474 --> 00:04:37,832 and track down your cases before the end of the day. 64 00:04:37,833 --> 00:04:39,674 Right, in the meantime we will be happy 65 00:04:39,675 --> 00:04:44,313 to temporarily lift the no swimming in underpants restriction for the gents 66 00:04:44,314 --> 00:04:50,193 and ladies can have full access to my personal wardrobe of bikinis and summer dresses. 67 00:04:50,194 --> 00:04:52,393 Well, I suppose that's a... 68 00:04:52,394 --> 00:04:54,474 I beg your pardon? 69 00:05:05,754 --> 00:05:09,674 Oh! Yoo-hoo! Hello! Who the hell's that? 70 00:05:10,674 --> 00:05:13,873 Oh, it's what's-her-name, i'n't it, Noreen. Maureen who? 71 00:05:13,874 --> 00:05:16,593 Noreen, Geoff's mother. 72 00:05:16,594 --> 00:05:18,553 Who the frig's 'Geoff'? 73 00:05:18,554 --> 00:05:22,393 The soon-to-be father of your great-grandchild! Ooh. 74 00:05:22,394 --> 00:05:25,393 Oh, I am glad to see you here! 75 00:05:25,394 --> 00:05:28,313 I was coming up to your bar later today. 76 00:05:28,314 --> 00:05:31,833 Oh, we've lost the bar, love. We're here on holiday. 77 00:05:31,834 --> 00:05:34,193 You're not running that lovely bar? 78 00:05:34,194 --> 00:05:36,953 Are you deaf? She told you we lost it. 79 00:05:36,954 --> 00:05:41,673 How can you lose a thing like that? It's right on the seafront. 80 00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:44,753 Are you sure you were on the right beach? 81 00:05:44,754 --> 00:05:47,113 You know, there's another one further up, 82 00:05:47,114 --> 00:05:49,113 but that's mainly Germans. 83 00:05:49,114 --> 00:05:51,033 No, we ran the bar for the summer, 84 00:05:51,034 --> 00:05:53,913 and then, well, things didn't really work out. 85 00:05:53,914 --> 00:05:55,594 What's it got to do with you anyway? 86 00:05:55,595 --> 00:05:57,833 You here with that pisshead daughter of yours? 87 00:05:57,834 --> 00:06:01,393 Pauline? No, no, I'm here on my own. 88 00:06:01,394 --> 00:06:04,473 You've come here on your own? What sort of holiday is that? 89 00:06:04,474 --> 00:06:08,673 Well, it always seems to be the same faces here. 90 00:06:08,674 --> 00:06:13,874 I thought it was odds on I'd chum up with somebody. 91 00:06:19,314 --> 00:06:22,753 Michael, go and get your auntie Noreen a sunbed. She's not my auntie! 92 00:06:22,754 --> 00:06:25,593 A chair's fine for me. Go get her a chair! 93 00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:27,314 I've just sat down! 94 00:06:29,754 --> 00:06:34,474 Oh, thank you, Michael. Hasn't he grown? 95 00:06:39,034 --> 00:06:43,473 Right, now three teas. I'm supposed to be on holiday! 96 00:06:43,474 --> 00:06:45,953 I'll get the teas. No, you won't! 97 00:06:45,954 --> 00:06:47,673 Lazy bugger! 98 00:06:47,674 --> 00:06:49,753 And I wonder where he gets that from? 99 00:06:49,754 --> 00:06:53,193 Cup of tea, Noreen? Oh, lovely! 100 00:06:53,194 --> 00:06:55,714 Brandy in mine! 101 00:06:56,594 --> 00:07:00,074 We could have a game of 'I Spy' if you like, Michael. 102 00:07:01,314 --> 00:07:03,594 I'm 13. 103 00:07:07,874 --> 00:07:10,113 I've been meaning to ring you. 104 00:07:10,114 --> 00:07:12,113 I mean, we're practically family 105 00:07:12,114 --> 00:07:16,753 what with my Geoff and your Chantelle having a baby together! 106 00:07:16,754 --> 00:07:21,314 Let's see what colour it is first before we get the streamers out. 107 00:07:29,234 --> 00:07:32,393 So come on then, spill the beans, what's going on? 108 00:07:32,394 --> 00:07:34,673 Nothing's going on. 109 00:07:34,674 --> 00:07:37,673 Where's Troy? He didn't want to come. 110 00:07:37,674 --> 00:07:40,194 So you come all the way out here on your own? Yes. 111 00:07:42,394 --> 00:07:44,473 What? Have you two split up? 112 00:07:44,474 --> 00:07:47,033 No, of course not. So what's going on? 113 00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:49,673 Nothing is going on! How many times do I have to say that? 114 00:07:49,674 --> 00:07:51,673 You've always been an unconvincing actor. 115 00:07:51,674 --> 00:07:55,313 What was that play you were in - Midsummer Night's Dream? You were rubbish! 116 00:07:55,314 --> 00:07:58,513 I'll have you know my Bottom was the talk of Derby for weeks after that. 117 00:07:58,514 --> 00:08:01,193 Charming, most people are happy with a round of applause! 118 00:08:01,194 --> 00:08:04,313 Look, Troy's not here because we were too busy for both of us to come 119 00:08:04,314 --> 00:08:06,594 and I didn't want to miss the opening of your salon 120 00:08:06,595 --> 00:08:09,154 so I thought I'd come out myself for a few days. Oh aye? 121 00:08:10,114 --> 00:08:13,953 Now, what about you giving me a trim while I'm waiting for these cases to turn up? 122 00:08:13,954 --> 00:08:16,033 You don't fool me, Gavin Ramsbottom. 123 00:08:16,034 --> 00:08:19,233 I've seen that guilty look before at work when you squeeze one out 124 00:08:19,234 --> 00:08:22,473 and try and blame it on one of the Chihuahuas. For goodness sake! 125 00:08:22,474 --> 00:08:25,433 Come on. Grab that drink and look on the bright side. 126 00:08:25,434 --> 00:08:28,673 If you have been chucked, you're in the alcoholic capital of Europe. 127 00:08:28,674 --> 00:08:30,754 Even you could get a shag in Benidorm. 128 00:08:37,034 --> 00:08:39,394 I hope you don't think I'm being rude... 129 00:08:39,754 --> 00:08:44,113 but you've got really beautiful eyes. You think so? 130 00:08:44,114 --> 00:08:47,673 Yeah, I love the way they sparkle in the sunlight. 131 00:08:47,674 --> 00:08:49,794 A lot of guys say this to me. 132 00:08:51,234 --> 00:08:56,953 I tend to sweat a lot in the sun, but... but you smell gorgeous. 133 00:08:56,954 --> 00:08:59,473 OK, I am quickly losing interest. 134 00:08:59,474 --> 00:09:04,034 And if I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me? 135 00:09:05,194 --> 00:09:07,953 It's not fair, you're not in the slightest bit interested! 136 00:09:07,954 --> 00:09:09,752 There is no point us going any further. 137 00:09:09,753 --> 00:09:12,114 You promised I could have a turn at being the girl! 138 00:09:12,115 --> 00:09:14,513 'I tend to sweat a lot in the sun.' 139 00:09:14,514 --> 00:09:17,033 And then you wonder why girls do not like you? 140 00:09:17,034 --> 00:09:19,354 Well, come on then, show me how it's done. 141 00:09:21,674 --> 00:09:23,673 There is no use in trying to fight 142 00:09:23,674 --> 00:09:26,233 what we both know is a forgotten conclusion. 143 00:09:26,234 --> 00:09:29,473 Forgone. Sh, do not speak. 144 00:09:29,474 --> 00:09:31,953 Just look into Mateo's eyes 145 00:09:31,954 --> 00:09:35,113 and tell me your breast does not thump like a beating drum. 146 00:09:35,114 --> 00:09:37,113 Ba-boom, ba-boom. 147 00:09:37,114 --> 00:09:42,113 Come to my room tonight and we will make sweet music together. 148 00:09:42,114 --> 00:09:46,434 Te amo, te necesito, te deseo. 149 00:09:48,034 --> 00:09:49,953 Can I help you? 150 00:09:49,954 --> 00:09:53,874 Er, no, you're all right mate. I think I'm at the wrong bar. 151 00:09:54,794 --> 00:09:59,233 You can't just grab a girl's face like that, she'd be horrified. 152 00:09:59,234 --> 00:10:01,114 Don't you know about personal space? 153 00:10:01,115 --> 00:10:05,113 You... You are everything that is wrong with English men. 154 00:10:05,114 --> 00:10:09,033 Pale, weak, pathetic, like a tiny ginger mouse. 155 00:10:09,034 --> 00:10:12,753 When was the last time you saw the matador running away from el toro? 156 00:10:12,754 --> 00:10:16,314 Sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns. 157 00:10:17,394 --> 00:10:21,554 Hiya, can I have, erm... Let me see... 158 00:10:23,954 --> 00:10:26,074 There's no use trying to fight it, don't even... 159 00:10:29,594 --> 00:10:32,634 That's what you think, you ginger dick! 160 00:10:33,034 --> 00:10:36,673 Now, it's only 10:30. 161 00:10:36,674 --> 00:10:39,673 Bit rude to start on the Jagerbombs already. 162 00:10:39,674 --> 00:10:43,953 I'll have a bacardi, large, straight, no ice. 163 00:10:43,954 --> 00:10:47,354 Make that two, will you? We'll be sat over there. 164 00:10:52,114 --> 00:10:54,394 Oi, drinks! 165 00:11:11,757 --> 00:11:17,397 I spy with my little eye something beginning with... 166 00:11:18,419 --> 00:11:21,018 Beginning with... 167 00:11:21,019 --> 00:11:23,738 Something beginning with 'C'. 168 00:11:23,739 --> 00:11:25,778 Cardigan. My turn. 169 00:11:25,779 --> 00:11:30,378 I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'AB'. 170 00:11:30,379 --> 00:11:33,818 Hang on a minute! 'Absolute bollocks'. 171 00:11:33,819 --> 00:11:37,338 Which is what we've been listening to for the past hour. Mother! 172 00:11:37,339 --> 00:11:40,539 You didn't even give us a chance to guess! 173 00:11:41,699 --> 00:11:45,058 Anyway, it wasn't cardigan, it was camel. 174 00:11:45,059 --> 00:11:47,458 Camel? That's right. 175 00:11:47,459 --> 00:11:49,578 Is she on drugs? 176 00:11:49,579 --> 00:11:51,978 Where can you see a camel here, Noreen? 177 00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:56,298 Well, not an actual camel. Camel hair. 178 00:11:56,299 --> 00:12:02,058 Camel hair? Yeah, apparently that's what this cardie's made of. 179 00:12:02,059 --> 00:12:04,098 That would explain the hump then! 180 00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:06,338 I think you mean mohair. 181 00:12:06,339 --> 00:12:08,698 Oh, is that what it is, mohair? 182 00:12:08,699 --> 00:12:12,458 Well, what on earth is a 'mo'? 183 00:12:12,459 --> 00:12:15,418 Oh, for Christ's sake! I'm off to get some cigs. 184 00:12:15,419 --> 00:12:17,139 It's all right, Nana. I'll go for you. 185 00:12:17,140 --> 00:12:20,058 Oh aye, and when did you suddenly become Santa's little helper? 186 00:12:20,059 --> 00:12:22,618 When Mrs Doubtfire started giving us all brain damage. 187 00:12:22,619 --> 00:12:25,699 Oh, nice one, Michael! Come on, we'll go together. 188 00:12:28,459 --> 00:12:31,338 Sorry about that, he's at a difficult age. 189 00:12:31,339 --> 00:12:34,338 I'm used to it. 190 00:12:34,339 --> 00:12:36,378 They tend to get a bit giddy 191 00:12:36,379 --> 00:12:39,418 when there's no father figure to keep them in check. 192 00:12:39,419 --> 00:12:41,458 Is he unpacking? Who? 193 00:12:41,459 --> 00:12:43,218 Your husband? 194 00:12:43,219 --> 00:12:45,698 Oh, no, he's coming out in a couple of days. 195 00:12:45,699 --> 00:12:47,858 We've got a few sunbed shops at home 196 00:12:47,859 --> 00:12:51,538 and there was a bit of a crisis just before we left. 197 00:12:51,539 --> 00:12:54,818 Topping up his tan before he gets here, is he? 198 00:12:54,819 --> 00:12:57,899 No, we've got some staff problems. 199 00:12:58,699 --> 00:13:00,858 He'll be here tomorrow or the day after. 200 00:13:00,859 --> 00:13:06,098 My daughter Pauline had staff when she lived in South Africa. 201 00:13:06,099 --> 00:13:11,538 She once told me her butler used to wake her every morning 202 00:13:11,539 --> 00:13:13,819 with a soft boiled egg. 203 00:13:15,179 --> 00:13:19,659 I think he must have just tapped it on her head. 204 00:13:21,499 --> 00:13:24,138 Did you live in South Africa when you had Pauline? 205 00:13:24,139 --> 00:13:29,418 Oh, no fear! I've never been to South Africa. 206 00:13:29,419 --> 00:13:32,138 Very racist country. 207 00:13:32,139 --> 00:13:34,018 Is it? 208 00:13:34,019 --> 00:13:37,458 Oh yeah. And when they're not being racist, 209 00:13:37,459 --> 00:13:39,858 they're running around in a loin cloth 210 00:13:39,859 --> 00:13:42,218 with a bone through their nose. 211 00:13:42,219 --> 00:13:44,179 According to our Pauline. 212 00:13:51,179 --> 00:13:55,898 So that's it. Not exactly Tony and Guy, more Kenneth 213 00:13:55,899 --> 00:13:57,818 Well, from tiny acorns... 214 00:13:57,819 --> 00:14:00,458 Do you mind not looking at my hotpants when you say that? 215 00:14:00,459 --> 00:14:04,018 Talking of Kenneth and company, it's not just you working here, is it? 216 00:14:04,019 --> 00:14:06,578 Oh no, God forbid, I'd never get any sunbathing done. 217 00:14:06,579 --> 00:14:09,738 No, I've got interviews this afternoon for a new assistant. 218 00:14:09,739 --> 00:14:12,099 I'm looking for someone very local and very cheap. 219 00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:14,738 No change there then. Hey! 220 00:14:14,739 --> 00:14:17,298 Hello, sorry to interrupt. 221 00:14:17,299 --> 00:14:20,898 Can you do me a wash and blow dry sometime this afternoon? No. 222 00:14:20,899 --> 00:14:23,858 So what is going on with Troy then? You can't squeeze me in? 223 00:14:23,859 --> 00:14:26,538 I don't want a cut, I just want a wash and blow dry. 224 00:14:26,539 --> 00:14:29,258 No, I'm sorry love, we're completely rushed off our feet. 225 00:14:29,259 --> 00:14:31,098 Go on. 226 00:14:31,099 --> 00:14:32,818 Well... This evening? 227 00:14:32,819 --> 00:14:36,698 You what? Do you have an appointment early evening? 228 00:14:36,699 --> 00:14:38,938 No. 229 00:14:38,939 --> 00:14:42,458 I bet you I know what's going on. All that money's gone to his head. 230 00:14:42,459 --> 00:14:44,859 I had this mate once who won Ј300 on a scratch card, 231 00:14:44,860 --> 00:14:47,898 started shopping in Waitrose and buying loose leaf tea. 232 00:14:47,899 --> 00:14:51,458 When is your next appointment? Oh, will you go away? 233 00:14:51,459 --> 00:14:53,738 Look, believe me love, with split ends like that 234 00:14:53,739 --> 00:14:56,859 it's not an hairdresser you need, it's a crash helmet. 235 00:14:57,139 --> 00:14:59,298 No, it's nothing like that. 236 00:14:59,299 --> 00:15:01,898 We had a bit of argument a few days ago. 237 00:15:01,899 --> 00:15:04,018 Can't remember what it was about now. 238 00:15:04,019 --> 00:15:06,218 Then he started getting a bit distant. 239 00:15:06,219 --> 00:15:08,778 He's set up a management company for all these houses 240 00:15:08,779 --> 00:15:11,578 his father left him in his will and works all day and night. 241 00:15:11,579 --> 00:15:14,698 Anyway, I said, 'You're obviously too busy to come on this holiday, 242 00:15:14,699 --> 00:15:16,898 maybe I should go and see Kenneth on my own'. 243 00:15:16,899 --> 00:15:20,618 I only said it to get a reaction and he said, 'great idea'. 244 00:15:20,619 --> 00:15:23,378 And here I am. 245 00:15:23,379 --> 00:15:25,259 Do you think they do 'wonder pants'? 246 00:15:25,260 --> 00:15:27,818 You know, like a wonder bra, but for men? 247 00:15:27,819 --> 00:15:30,179 I think I need a bit of lift and separation. 248 00:15:31,819 --> 00:15:36,138 Any chance of a quick head massage? No! How many times?! 249 00:15:36,139 --> 00:15:39,618 Jacqueline! Oh my God! Hola! 250 00:15:39,619 --> 00:15:42,459 Oh, come here! You look wonderful! 251 00:15:43,499 --> 00:15:45,778 Thank you! I can't believe you're here! 252 00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:49,298 I tried ringing you on that number you gave me last year but it just went dead. 253 00:15:49,299 --> 00:15:52,778 I thought it was maybe Donald's number you gave by mistake! Kenneth! 254 00:15:52,779 --> 00:15:56,098 How insensitive! Jacqueline, how are you? 255 00:15:56,099 --> 00:16:01,738 Oh, you know, bearing up. A lot's happened since last time I saw you. 256 00:16:01,739 --> 00:16:05,858 Well, of course, it must be almost a year to the week of Donald's death. 257 00:16:05,859 --> 00:16:08,658 It's so brave of you to come back to Benidorm. 258 00:16:08,659 --> 00:16:11,738 I imagine being here you feel much closer to him. 259 00:16:11,739 --> 00:16:14,139 You could say that. 260 00:16:15,499 --> 00:16:17,818 Kenneth? My God! 261 00:16:17,819 --> 00:16:19,578 Kenneth? Kenneth? 262 00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:21,419 Oh! Oh God! 263 00:16:22,659 --> 00:16:25,418 Ghost by the door! What on earth are you talking about? 264 00:16:25,419 --> 00:16:27,139 No, I just saw him walk past... 265 00:16:30,059 --> 00:16:33,778 I've come to take you with me! 266 00:16:33,779 --> 00:16:36,778 Pack it in, will you? Sorry about that. 267 00:16:36,779 --> 00:16:39,898 How many times have I told you not to do that? 268 00:16:39,899 --> 00:16:43,018 Sorry, the temptation is sometimes just too great. 269 00:16:43,019 --> 00:16:46,899 I think we've got a bit of explaining to do. 270 00:16:54,659 --> 00:16:57,178 So you're trying to tell me you came here last year 271 00:16:57,179 --> 00:17:00,218 and you didn't cop off with one single bloke? Yeah. 272 00:17:00,219 --> 00:17:04,818 You, in Benidorm for a whole week, and you didn't cop off? 273 00:17:04,819 --> 00:17:08,137 That is not the truth, pure and simple. 274 00:17:08,138 --> 00:17:09,978 You know what Oscar Wilde said, 275 00:17:09,979 --> 00:17:12,657 'The truth is rarely pure and never simple'. 276 00:17:12,659 --> 00:17:16,137 Yeah and you know what else he said? 'You can't shit a shitter'. 277 00:17:16,138 --> 00:17:21,137 Oh yeah, that were in Lady Windermere's Fan, weren't it? Dunno. 278 00:17:21,138 --> 00:17:23,738 Anyway, it wasn't my fault I didn't get a shag last year. 279 00:17:23,739 --> 00:17:27,058 I broke me leg, didn't I? I could have both my arms in plaster 280 00:17:27,059 --> 00:17:29,698 and I'd still find a way to unbutton the mutton. 281 00:17:29,699 --> 00:17:33,379 In saying that, there's not much talent here. 282 00:17:34,859 --> 00:17:37,458 Apart from Dirty Diego, of course. 283 00:17:37,459 --> 00:17:39,738 That's the one I were telling you about! 284 00:17:39,739 --> 00:17:43,418 The one that shagged Natalie? Yeah, they were engaged at one point. 285 00:17:43,419 --> 00:17:46,298 What? 286 00:17:46,299 --> 00:17:48,698 You have got to be joking! 287 00:17:48,699 --> 00:17:53,418 She wanted to marry a dirty, clap-infested Spanish barman 288 00:17:53,419 --> 00:17:55,218 at a Benidorm all-inclusive? 289 00:17:55,219 --> 00:17:57,458 Turns out he was married with kids. 290 00:17:57,459 --> 00:18:00,658 Of course he is, that type always are. 291 00:18:00,659 --> 00:18:04,658 Which means when he's tired of riding an old Spanish donkey at home, 292 00:18:04,659 --> 00:18:07,819 he comes to work for an English saucy mare. 293 00:18:11,579 --> 00:18:13,698 You just said he were clap-infested? 294 00:18:13,699 --> 00:18:16,618 We're in Benidorm! Get real, Sam. 295 00:18:16,619 --> 00:18:19,819 You can't fight the bull without picking up a few fleas. 296 00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:27,618 Anyway, sorry to say it, but I think he goes for something a bit more... 297 00:18:27,619 --> 00:18:30,338 A bit more what? Feminine. 298 00:18:30,339 --> 00:18:32,818 Are you saying that I'm not feminine? 299 00:18:32,819 --> 00:18:34,818 Well, you can be a bit - A bit what? 300 00:18:34,819 --> 00:18:37,658 A bit blokeish. Blokeish?! 301 00:18:37,659 --> 00:18:40,338 You are joking, aren't you? 302 00:18:40,339 --> 00:18:43,978 Yeah, I'm a strong woman, and I'm proud of that, 303 00:18:43,979 --> 00:18:48,139 but at the end of the day they don't come more girly than me. 304 00:18:50,019 --> 00:18:53,179 Hey, Liam! I didn't know you worked here. 305 00:18:56,619 --> 00:18:59,178 That's weird. That's the lad we met last year. 306 00:18:59,179 --> 00:19:01,499 Oh yeah, I nutted him in the face earlier. 307 00:19:10,459 --> 00:19:14,178 So, it was all a big insurance scam? I don't like to use the word 'scam'. 308 00:19:14,179 --> 00:19:17,698 Well, then what was it? Oh no, it was a scam. I just don't like to use the word. 309 00:19:17,699 --> 00:19:19,658 What happened then? 310 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:22,058 Well, you know the fella with the white beard, 311 00:19:22,059 --> 00:19:24,698 that we saw at the British Consulate? Yeah. 312 00:19:24,699 --> 00:19:27,418 Well, he followed us. What, all the way to Marrakech? 313 00:19:27,419 --> 00:19:30,458 Oh yes. Honestly, why don't people just mind their own business? 314 00:19:30,459 --> 00:19:33,778 They were trying to defraud an insurance company out of half a million! 315 00:19:33,779 --> 00:19:35,498 Exactly, an insurance company. 316 00:19:35,499 --> 00:19:38,378 So no need for captain Birdseye to be poking his sticky beak in. 317 00:19:38,379 --> 00:19:41,458 Anyway, things got rather messy after that. 318 00:19:41,459 --> 00:19:43,258 We got home, charges were pressed, 319 00:19:43,259 --> 00:19:47,138 and I'm afraid a custodial sentence was passed. Oh no! 320 00:19:47,139 --> 00:19:50,658 Well, it could have been worse. Some people go to prison for stuff like that. 321 00:19:50,659 --> 00:19:53,698 That's what a custodial sentence means, you idiot! Oh. 322 00:19:53,699 --> 00:19:56,578 Surely the company hadn't paid out by then? It didn't matter, 323 00:19:56,579 --> 00:20:00,058 it was still a fraudulent claim. I managed to pull a few strings 324 00:20:00,059 --> 00:20:02,618 with a friend of mine who's a high court judge 325 00:20:02,619 --> 00:20:06,338 who happens to be the president of the DSA. 326 00:20:06,339 --> 00:20:08,938 Darlington Swingers Association. 327 00:20:08,939 --> 00:20:11,498 But he only managed to help Jacqueline. 328 00:20:11,499 --> 00:20:13,778 I'm afraid somebody had to take the rap, 329 00:20:13,779 --> 00:20:16,498 and I went down for eight months. Eight months?! 330 00:20:16,499 --> 00:20:20,178 I'm afraid so. 8 months confined, 23 hours a day 331 00:20:20,179 --> 00:20:24,778 in a cell with a 19-year-old body building arsonist. 332 00:20:24,779 --> 00:20:26,858 Woo-hoo! Now we're talking turkey! 333 00:20:26,859 --> 00:20:29,778 'Arsonist' means he sets fire to things. Oh. 334 00:20:29,779 --> 00:20:33,538 It must have been absolute hell. It had its ups and downs. 335 00:20:33,539 --> 00:20:38,138 I did my best to make sure Donald had his home comforts. 336 00:20:38,139 --> 00:20:40,178 Every visiting day, 337 00:20:40,179 --> 00:20:43,218 I used to smuggle something in for you, didn't I? 338 00:20:43,219 --> 00:20:45,338 Every Friday without fail. 339 00:20:45,339 --> 00:20:47,938 They used to frisk you as you went in, 340 00:20:47,939 --> 00:20:51,298 but I got quite good at hiding things, 341 00:20:51,299 --> 00:20:55,818 well, let's say, 'about my person', 342 00:20:55,819 --> 00:20:58,618 if you know what I mean. Right. 343 00:20:58,619 --> 00:21:02,378 Oh yes. I started with easy things... 344 00:21:02,379 --> 00:21:04,938 you know, pens, money, 345 00:21:04,939 --> 00:21:09,578 magazines - rolled up, of course. Yeah, well, they'd have to be. 346 00:21:09,579 --> 00:21:11,618 But after a few months practice, 347 00:21:11,619 --> 00:21:14,858 I was smuggling in all sorts, wasn't I? 348 00:21:14,859 --> 00:21:17,538 Oh yes, I can safely say I was the only man on D-Wing 349 00:21:17,539 --> 00:21:19,259 with a George Foreman Grill. 350 00:21:21,299 --> 00:21:24,058 Right, another round, I think. I'll go. 351 00:21:24,059 --> 00:21:27,378 I'll go. I don't think you should risk siting on one of them bar stools. 352 00:21:27,379 --> 00:21:29,059 We might never see it again. 353 00:22:23,613 --> 00:22:25,773 This place is falling apart! 354 00:22:33,893 --> 00:22:38,092 And then he wanted him to be called Clint, after Clint Eastwood. 355 00:22:38,093 --> 00:22:42,412 Can you imagine our Geoff being called Clint? 356 00:22:42,413 --> 00:22:45,572 So I had to put my foot down and say no. 357 00:22:45,573 --> 00:22:50,053 'You chose Pauline's name so it's my turn now.' 358 00:22:53,973 --> 00:22:56,172 Sorry Noreen, were you saying something? 359 00:22:56,173 --> 00:22:59,412 I was just saying, 11 names our Geoff had 360 00:22:59,413 --> 00:23:02,932 in the week before he was actually christened. 361 00:23:02,933 --> 00:23:08,852 Michael. No, not Michael. He was Melvin at one point. 362 00:23:08,853 --> 00:23:11,452 No. Where's our Michael? 363 00:23:11,453 --> 00:23:14,052 He went for cigarettes with Madge. 364 00:23:14,053 --> 00:23:16,732 That was ages ago. 365 00:23:16,733 --> 00:23:19,772 That were brilliant. My dad never lets us go to the beach. 366 00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:22,212 Live for today, son, that's what I say. 367 00:23:22,213 --> 00:23:25,412 Plus hopefully that wittering old bag will have buggered off by now. 368 00:23:25,413 --> 00:23:29,092 The only thing is though, I've spent all my holiday money. 369 00:23:29,093 --> 00:23:33,572 All of it? I knew you shouldn't have bought that inflatable. 370 00:23:33,573 --> 00:23:35,972 The inflatable was only 6 euros. 371 00:23:35,973 --> 00:23:40,492 Your cigs was 35 euros, your hat was 15 and your nails were 20. 372 00:23:40,493 --> 00:23:43,253 Yeah, but don't I look good? 373 00:23:44,413 --> 00:23:48,093 Oh, come on, game of ping pong? Yeah, all right. 374 00:23:54,653 --> 00:23:56,333 There you go. Cheers. 375 00:23:56,973 --> 00:23:59,812 That must be for you. Weren't you dressed as a man earlier? 376 00:23:59,813 --> 00:24:02,812 Yes, pet. Thank you. Excuse me! Yes, love? What's this? 377 00:24:02,813 --> 00:24:06,092 Er, it's the salad you ordered. No, I ordered a pepper salad. 378 00:24:06,093 --> 00:24:07,973 Oh aye, there's plenty of pepper on it. 379 00:24:07,974 --> 00:24:11,492 I watched the chef make it. He was sneezing like an asthmatic cat! 380 00:24:11,493 --> 00:24:13,732 Hey, I'd hold your nose if I was you! 381 00:24:13,733 --> 00:24:17,772 No, no. I ordered a pepper salad - a salad with peppers on it. 382 00:24:17,773 --> 00:24:21,052 Oh! You mean salad peppers, not shaky pepper. 383 00:24:21,053 --> 00:24:23,732 What's shaky pepper? You know, salt and pepper. 384 00:24:23,733 --> 00:24:26,492 Where's the man who took the order? Oh, that would be Mateo. 385 00:24:26,493 --> 00:24:30,572 He's sloped off for a fag break. Between you and me, this place is in chaos at the moment. 386 00:24:30,573 --> 00:24:33,772 Oi, Tranny Annie! Are you trying to kill me? 387 00:24:33,773 --> 00:24:36,172 My salad is covered in pepper! 388 00:24:36,173 --> 00:24:40,652 Out the way, mind your backs! Where are you going with that? 389 00:24:40,653 --> 00:24:42,732 What the frig's it got to do with you? 390 00:24:42,733 --> 00:24:46,812 Excuse me, excuse me. You're not allowed to move the ping pong table. 391 00:24:46,813 --> 00:24:50,412 Do you think I'm going to be playing indoors when it's 85 degrees out here? 392 00:24:50,413 --> 00:24:52,133 Piss off! 393 00:24:54,413 --> 00:24:57,893 Dad, it's all going wrong today. Don't worry, son. I'll handle this. 394 00:24:59,973 --> 00:25:02,612 Where have you been? You said you were off for a fag break. 395 00:25:02,613 --> 00:25:05,732 I did, then I went for a swim. Oh! 396 00:25:05,733 --> 00:25:09,172 Lesley, relax, there is no person in charge. 397 00:25:09,173 --> 00:25:12,092 When the cat is away the mices will play. 398 00:25:12,093 --> 00:25:15,172 I think it's about time the mices were put back in their cage. 399 00:25:15,173 --> 00:25:17,892 All right pet, just calm down, I'll get you another salad. 400 00:25:17,893 --> 00:25:19,612 Listen, get changed, right? 401 00:25:19,613 --> 00:25:21,973 And it's not a cat who's away, it's the new manager. 402 00:25:21,974 --> 00:25:24,732 If he sees you like this he'll have your guts for garters. 403 00:25:24,733 --> 00:25:27,532 What can he do? Every manager we have the same. 404 00:25:27,533 --> 00:25:30,172 They come here and they think they are very important, 405 00:25:30,173 --> 00:25:34,052 but he will be just another English asshole. I beg your pardon?! 406 00:25:34,053 --> 00:25:37,293 He wasn't talking about you, he was talking about the new manager. 407 00:25:38,133 --> 00:25:39,933 I AM the new manager. 408 00:25:42,213 --> 00:25:43,932 I beg your pardon, love? 409 00:25:43,933 --> 00:25:48,092 Joyce Temple Savage, the new manager of the Solana. 410 00:25:48,093 --> 00:25:51,772 Well, if you're the new manager, what are you doing here on holiday? 411 00:25:51,773 --> 00:25:53,492 You were supposed to start today. 412 00:25:53,493 --> 00:25:56,052 She's not on holiday young 'un, she's been spying on us. 413 00:25:56,053 --> 00:25:58,132 Spying? I don't think so! 414 00:25:58,133 --> 00:26:01,932 When you spy, you look through a fence or over a wall. 415 00:26:01,933 --> 00:26:05,492 I've been here, in the eye of the storm. 416 00:26:05,493 --> 00:26:08,572 Oh come on now, you might be having a crap holiday, 417 00:26:08,573 --> 00:26:10,292 but you can't fault the weather. 418 00:26:10,293 --> 00:26:16,012 I want you three idiots and all the members of staff on this list 419 00:26:16,013 --> 00:26:19,813 in the Hawaiian function room in 15 minutes. 420 00:26:23,973 --> 00:26:27,653 Pathetic! Do you hear me? Pathetic! 421 00:26:28,693 --> 00:26:32,612 And believe me, after 25 years in tourism, I have seen the lot. 422 00:26:32,613 --> 00:26:37,612 I have seen... staff paralytic in Portugal, 423 00:26:37,613 --> 00:26:42,412 stagnant swimming pools in Salou, food poisoning in Faliraki... 424 00:26:42,413 --> 00:26:44,693 So, in fairness this isn't your worst holiday. 425 00:26:45,813 --> 00:26:48,892 I am not on holiday! 426 00:26:48,893 --> 00:26:51,612 Listen pet, I know things might have looked bad, 427 00:26:51,613 --> 00:26:53,932 but we had no idea you were the new manager. 428 00:26:53,933 --> 00:26:56,092 We were told it was going to be a bloke. 429 00:26:56,093 --> 00:26:58,052 I think they were right. 430 00:26:58,053 --> 00:26:59,932 What did you just say? 431 00:26:59,933 --> 00:27:01,892 I did not say anything. 432 00:27:01,893 --> 00:27:06,293 You, my friend, are standing on very thin ice! 433 00:27:08,173 --> 00:27:10,092 You, what's your name? 434 00:27:10,093 --> 00:27:11,812 He does not speak English. 435 00:27:11,813 --> 00:27:14,173 He doesn't speak English? His name's on his badge. 436 00:27:14,174 --> 00:27:15,853 I wasn't asking you! 437 00:27:21,413 --> 00:27:24,213 What did he just say? He said he likes your hair. 438 00:27:27,733 --> 00:27:32,132 A transvestite waiter, a moronic caretaker 439 00:27:32,133 --> 00:27:37,212 and a hotel worker in Benidorm who doesn't speak a word of English. 440 00:27:37,213 --> 00:27:38,932 Well, I've heard the lot now! 441 00:27:38,933 --> 00:27:41,413 Well, I suppose it's a bit like there being a manager 442 00:27:41,414 --> 00:27:45,212 of a holiday resort in Spain who doesn't speak Spanish. 443 00:27:45,213 --> 00:27:47,412 Watch it, you. I'm in charge here. 444 00:27:47,413 --> 00:27:51,412 I do not, repeat, do not tolerate any form of back chat! 445 00:27:51,413 --> 00:27:53,652 You, get in this line! 446 00:27:53,653 --> 00:27:55,492 Piss off! 447 00:27:55,493 --> 00:27:58,893 That's Kenneth, he's not actually Solana staff. 448 00:28:00,173 --> 00:28:03,332 I knew the reputation of this place before I took on the position, 449 00:28:03,333 --> 00:28:08,052 but nothing... nothing had prepared me for the undiluted incompetence 450 00:28:08,053 --> 00:28:11,332 I have witnessed here this morning. 451 00:28:11,333 --> 00:28:14,572 But, luckily for you, 452 00:28:14,573 --> 00:28:17,572 I enjoy a challenge. 453 00:28:17,573 --> 00:28:22,212 And I am going to turn this standing joke into the pride of Benidorm 454 00:28:22,213 --> 00:28:25,892 or my name is not Joyce Temple Savage. 455 00:28:25,893 --> 00:28:28,732 You said your name was Joyce Temple Savage. 456 00:28:28,733 --> 00:28:31,932 What? Outside, you said your name was Joyce Temple Savage 457 00:28:31,933 --> 00:28:34,373 and now you're saying it's not Joyce Temple Savage. 458 00:28:34,374 --> 00:28:38,052 There's a time to talk and a time to keep quiet. Now is a time to keep quiet. 459 00:28:38,053 --> 00:28:42,213 Sorry, Dad. Dad? That explains a lot. 460 00:28:42,973 --> 00:28:45,852 And I assume you're the long-lost cousin. 461 00:28:45,853 --> 00:28:49,373 Hey, I have no relations with these people whichsoever. 462 00:28:51,573 --> 00:28:53,253 Class dismissed. 463 00:28:57,813 --> 00:28:59,772 Welcome to the Solana. 464 00:28:59,773 --> 00:29:02,732 You seem to be a little stressed. 465 00:29:02,733 --> 00:29:08,212 If you need to relax, just let me know, I am very good with my hands. 466 00:29:08,213 --> 00:29:10,853 Get back to work! 467 00:29:18,693 --> 00:29:20,932 Well, it was very nice to meet you... 468 00:29:20,933 --> 00:29:23,532 Destiny. 469 00:29:23,533 --> 00:29:26,652 And if we do get any vacancies for a 16-year-old lap dancer 470 00:29:26,653 --> 00:29:29,772 with no qualifications in hairdressing, 471 00:29:29,773 --> 00:29:34,293 then you'll certainly be in the top ten people we'll call back to the second round. 472 00:29:35,493 --> 00:29:37,293 Thank you very much. 473 00:29:44,013 --> 00:29:47,292 Oh, it's you. 474 00:29:47,293 --> 00:29:49,572 I'd like a word with you. 475 00:29:49,573 --> 00:29:52,292 Well, you've just had six, so one more won't hurt. 476 00:29:52,293 --> 00:29:55,692 I appreciate that you are not Solana staff, 477 00:29:55,693 --> 00:29:58,052 so I can't sack you straight away. 478 00:29:58,053 --> 00:30:00,372 But one word from me to head office, 479 00:30:00,373 --> 00:30:02,932 and you'll be out of this salon so fast 480 00:30:02,933 --> 00:30:06,293 your feet won't touch the ground. 481 00:30:08,853 --> 00:30:10,612 And one word from me 482 00:30:10,613 --> 00:30:13,892 saying how your first morning was spent watching this place fall apart 483 00:30:13,893 --> 00:30:17,572 while you were sat on your arse in the sun sipping cocktails and eyeing up waiters 484 00:30:17,573 --> 00:30:21,092 and you'll be on your broomstick faster than you can say Margaret Hamilton! 485 00:30:21,093 --> 00:30:22,813 Next! 486 00:30:29,733 --> 00:30:33,532 Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, madame et monsieur, 487 00:30:33,533 --> 00:30:37,092 my name is Joyce Temple Savage and I am your Solana manageress. 488 00:30:37,093 --> 00:30:41,172 And it my great pleasure to welcome you to this Solana Resorts holiday 489 00:30:41,173 --> 00:30:43,012 here in sunny Benidorm. 490 00:30:43,013 --> 00:30:46,492 The weather is a warm yet not uncomfortable 24 degrees, 491 00:30:46,493 --> 00:30:49,132 but for those of you who are not sun worshippers, 492 00:30:49,133 --> 00:30:53,172 we have our afternoon kiddie's movie in the Hawaiian Function Room. 493 00:30:53,173 --> 00:30:57,452 So this is Joyce Temple Savage, your Solana manageress, 494 00:30:57,453 --> 00:31:03,373 saying gracias for your indulgence and wishing you a very happy holiday. 495 00:31:11,493 --> 00:31:13,572 What the frig is this they've got on? 496 00:31:13,573 --> 00:31:17,812 Oh, I love this, it's, erm... 497 00:31:17,813 --> 00:31:22,732 Oh, what do they call him, it begins with a 'B'. 498 00:31:22,733 --> 00:31:26,132 Beethoven? Bobby Crush. 499 00:31:26,133 --> 00:31:29,092 Do you not like classical music, Madge? 500 00:31:29,093 --> 00:31:32,332 Sorry to interrupt you again, 501 00:31:32,333 --> 00:31:34,773 Joyce Temple Savage here, your Solana manageress. 502 00:31:34,774 --> 00:31:36,532 Just a slight amendment for you. 503 00:31:36,533 --> 00:31:39,492 The kiddie's film now being shown in the Hawaiian Function Room 504 00:31:39,493 --> 00:31:41,892 is not 'Dumbo' as previously advertised 505 00:31:41,893 --> 00:31:44,252 but 'The Elephant Man' starring John Hurt. 506 00:31:44,253 --> 00:31:47,332 Very similar to 'Dumbo' except this one is in black and white 507 00:31:47,333 --> 00:31:49,452 and he has a bag over his head. 508 00:31:49,453 --> 00:31:53,412 Those of you who have yet to be reunited with your luggage, 509 00:31:53,413 --> 00:31:57,412 will find a full range of complimentary under-arm deodorants 510 00:31:57,413 --> 00:32:01,012 and intimate feminine moist wipes available gratis... 511 00:32:01,013 --> 00:32:04,452 that's free of charge, in the front reception. 512 00:32:04,453 --> 00:32:06,573 Thank you for your indulgence. 513 00:32:09,493 --> 00:32:12,132 That's all we need, a load of fat, sweating pigs 514 00:32:12,133 --> 00:32:13,892 stinking the place to high heaven! 515 00:32:13,893 --> 00:32:17,532 I hope she's not going to be making these announcements every five minutes. 516 00:32:17,533 --> 00:32:19,772 And why is that music this loud? 517 00:32:19,773 --> 00:32:23,212 Michael, go and ask them to turn it down. You go and ask them. 518 00:32:23,213 --> 00:32:26,052 I'm getting a bit tired of your back-chat, my lad. 519 00:32:26,053 --> 00:32:27,811 Just because your father's not here. 520 00:32:27,812 --> 00:32:29,653 You're not too old to go across my knee. 521 00:32:29,654 --> 00:32:32,693 I don't know why you had a son, you obviously just wanted a skivvy! 522 00:32:36,853 --> 00:32:38,653 Drag him out of that pool by his hair 523 00:32:38,654 --> 00:32:40,812 and batter him within an inch of his life! 524 00:32:40,813 --> 00:32:44,012 Oooh, battered cod, that's what I should have had. 525 00:32:44,013 --> 00:32:47,172 This burger is dry as a bone! 526 00:32:47,173 --> 00:32:49,373 He's just missing his dad. 527 00:32:51,093 --> 00:32:54,692 Joyce Temple Savage, your Solana manageress again, 528 00:32:54,693 --> 00:32:57,452 just letting you know that due to hygiene reasons, 529 00:32:57,453 --> 00:33:00,252 Solana guests who are still waiting on their lost luggage 530 00:33:00,253 --> 00:33:04,212 and consequently have had no change of clothes since the early hours of this morning 531 00:33:04,213 --> 00:33:06,533 are not permitted to use the pool. 532 00:33:08,053 --> 00:33:13,892 Also, the large lady with the blotchy arms and long, dark, greasy hair, 533 00:33:13,893 --> 00:33:16,572 please keep to swimming with her head out of the water. 534 00:33:16,573 --> 00:33:19,213 We have enough drainage problems as it is. 535 00:33:19,773 --> 00:33:21,973 Gracias for your indulgence. 536 00:33:31,973 --> 00:33:36,772 Right, I'm not standing for this. Where are you going? 537 00:33:36,773 --> 00:33:39,052 I'm off to shove this plinky plonky music 538 00:33:39,053 --> 00:33:41,733 right up Joyce Temple Savage's arse! 539 00:33:46,053 --> 00:33:48,213 Oh 'eck! 540 00:33:50,213 --> 00:33:55,771 Three down, 'highest male singing voice', twelve letters. 541 00:33:55,773 --> 00:33:57,731 Dale Winton? 542 00:33:57,733 --> 00:33:59,771 Not enough letters. 543 00:33:59,773 --> 00:34:02,291 Chris Biggins! 544 00:34:02,293 --> 00:34:04,213 Oh yes! 545 00:34:05,893 --> 00:34:08,212 What the frig is this you've got playing? 546 00:34:08,213 --> 00:34:11,052 This is Liebestraum. Not for me, thank you love. 547 00:34:11,052 --> 00:34:13,731 I'm just trying to get this shite music turned off! 548 00:34:13,733 --> 00:34:15,572 Oi! 549 00:34:15,572 --> 00:34:19,852 I'm sorry, do you have a problem? Yeah, but not as much of a problem as you 550 00:34:19,853 --> 00:34:22,012 if you don't turn this bloody racket off! 551 00:34:22,012 --> 00:34:26,811 Classical music has been clinically proven to de-stress, minimise crime 552 00:34:26,813 --> 00:34:30,412 and reduce staff assaults by up to 25%. 553 00:34:30,413 --> 00:34:35,291 Reduce staff assaults? Where was your last job, bloody Alcatraz? 554 00:34:35,293 --> 00:34:39,652 I'm sure if you go and lie on your sun bed, and soak up the atmosphere 555 00:34:39,653 --> 00:34:42,132 you'll realise just how relaxed and comfortable 556 00:34:42,133 --> 00:34:44,212 classical music can make you feel. 557 00:34:44,213 --> 00:34:47,652 And I'm sure if you don't turn this music off, 558 00:34:47,653 --> 00:34:51,692 you'll realise how uncomfortable a fat lip can make you feel. 559 00:34:51,693 --> 00:34:55,052 What's this music you're playing? It's doing everybody's head in! 560 00:34:55,052 --> 00:34:57,052 Well, I think it's rather fine. 561 00:34:58,693 --> 00:35:01,852 Well, I mean, it does start to grate after a while. 562 00:35:01,853 --> 00:35:04,852 Well, there's only one way to decide this. 563 00:35:04,853 --> 00:35:09,413 Good afternoon, ladies and gen- Oh, and pack it in with them bloody announcements! 564 00:35:28,573 --> 00:35:30,612 Oh my God! 565 00:35:30,613 --> 00:35:33,333 Jacqueline, are you all right? 566 00:35:35,613 --> 00:35:38,013 Oh, yes. 567 00:35:56,453 --> 00:35:59,412 I wonder if they're all right. They've been through such a lot. 568 00:35:59,413 --> 00:36:02,012 You're joking, aren't you? When they got out of the pool, 569 00:36:02,013 --> 00:36:05,292 Donald spent 15 minutes asking the make and model of that microphone! 570 00:36:05,293 --> 00:36:08,532 Hello boys, all right if we join you? 571 00:36:08,533 --> 00:36:10,333 Of course, we were saving your seats. 572 00:36:10,334 --> 00:36:13,572 How are you, Jacqueline? You look... better. 573 00:36:13,573 --> 00:36:16,572 Not that bad, actually. 574 00:36:16,573 --> 00:36:18,852 I had a similar jolt 575 00:36:18,853 --> 00:36:23,372 when I smuggled a transistor radio into prison for Donald. 576 00:36:23,373 --> 00:36:25,452 Yes, that was a close shave. 577 00:36:25,453 --> 00:36:28,612 We were sitting in the visiting room, Jacqueline crossed her legs 578 00:36:28,613 --> 00:36:31,453 and we had Pick Of The Week blaring through her pleated skirt! 579 00:36:32,693 --> 00:36:36,052 How did your interviews for a salon assistant go? 580 00:36:36,053 --> 00:36:39,252 Oh, brilliant thanks. I've got someone starting tomorrow morning. 581 00:36:39,253 --> 00:36:42,172 Her name's Carmen, you know, like the rollers. Spanish girl? 582 00:36:42,173 --> 00:36:43,892 Can't speak a word of English. 583 00:36:43,893 --> 00:36:45,853 I've told him, it'll all end in tears. 584 00:36:45,854 --> 00:36:49,652 I've told you, she's on a month's unpaid trial and after that four euros an hour. 585 00:36:49,653 --> 00:36:51,892 Like Del Boy used to say, this time next year... 586 00:36:51,893 --> 00:36:55,252 you'll be at a European tribunal. Oh, I don't remember that episode. 587 00:36:55,253 --> 00:36:57,373 Was that the one where he fell through the bar? 588 00:36:59,733 --> 00:37:01,493 Look, they're here, they're not dead! 589 00:37:02,213 --> 00:37:04,972 You knew they weren't dead. You saw them get out of the pool. 590 00:37:04,973 --> 00:37:07,373 If they had died would you have gone to prison, Nana? 591 00:37:07,374 --> 00:37:10,413 What are you talking about? It was nothing to do with me. 592 00:37:11,573 --> 00:37:14,213 You texting Mick? Yeah. 593 00:37:15,173 --> 00:37:17,693 You honestly think he's going to be coming out here? 594 00:37:18,853 --> 00:37:24,253 Nothing wrong with them shops. He's on manoeuvres, mark my words. 595 00:37:25,293 --> 00:37:29,333 Very pretty young lass he's just taken on in the Claremont Road shop. 596 00:37:31,013 --> 00:37:33,253 Very pretty lass indeed. 597 00:37:34,693 --> 00:37:36,933 My dad always said you'd do well in prison, Nana. 598 00:37:36,934 --> 00:37:41,652 That's because I'm single minded, I'm independent and I won't be beaten. 599 00:37:41,653 --> 00:37:45,613 No, he said it's because you look like someone called 'Vinegar Tits'. 600 00:37:49,053 --> 00:37:52,892 The scran in here isn't much better than that salad I had today. 601 00:37:52,893 --> 00:37:55,012 It's not the food we want to be bothered about. 602 00:37:55,013 --> 00:37:56,893 Come on, get that drink down your neck. 603 00:37:56,894 --> 00:38:00,772 I'll get us another couple and we can get this party started. 604 00:38:00,773 --> 00:38:02,772 What, in here? 605 00:38:02,773 --> 00:38:06,172 No, we use this place for as many free drinks as possible, 606 00:38:06,173 --> 00:38:09,652 sing a couple of karaoke songs to warm up, then hit the town. 607 00:38:09,653 --> 00:38:12,892 It's like a pensioner's day trip. What are we going to sing, 608 00:38:12,893 --> 00:38:14,612 'We'll Meet Again'? 609 00:38:14,613 --> 00:38:17,012 Excuse me, four more vodka cokes here. 610 00:38:17,013 --> 00:38:20,172 You can only have two drinks at one time. Two drinks, two people. 611 00:38:20,173 --> 00:38:23,852 Bring us the drinks that we've paid for on this all-inclusive holiday, 612 00:38:23,853 --> 00:38:26,972 or you'll have me to answer to. 613 00:38:26,973 --> 00:38:31,253 I get you four drinks now, but this is the first and last time. 614 00:38:32,453 --> 00:38:34,493 You do not scare me. 615 00:38:36,933 --> 00:38:40,132 I think you might be playing a little bit too hard to get with that one. 616 00:38:40,133 --> 00:38:42,612 Believe me, I know what I'm doing. 617 00:38:42,613 --> 00:38:44,972 Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen. 618 00:38:44,973 --> 00:38:47,573 What do you do for foreplay, kick 'em in t' balls? 619 00:38:50,093 --> 00:38:52,532 See, what you've got to understand Lesley, 620 00:38:52,533 --> 00:38:54,332 is these are not holiday-makers. 621 00:38:54,333 --> 00:38:58,972 I thought they were. Oh no. These are all dogs. 622 00:38:58,973 --> 00:39:01,532 Well, there's a fair few munters, I'll give you that, 623 00:39:01,533 --> 00:39:03,253 but one or two of them aren't so bad! 624 00:39:03,254 --> 00:39:05,932 I don't mean like that. I mean they've got to be trained. 625 00:39:05,933 --> 00:39:08,972 They have a pack mentality. 626 00:39:08,973 --> 00:39:12,172 Without sophisticated touches such as classical music, 627 00:39:12,173 --> 00:39:14,732 this place is in grave danger 628 00:39:14,733 --> 00:39:18,812 of being downgraded to a two star resort. 629 00:39:18,813 --> 00:39:21,172 Take this afternoon, for example. 630 00:39:21,173 --> 00:39:24,092 One person said they didn't like the music, what happened? 631 00:39:24,093 --> 00:39:26,372 Two people got electrocuted in the pool. 632 00:39:26,373 --> 00:39:29,572 No, the pack mentality kicked in. 633 00:39:29,573 --> 00:39:33,452 Do you not just think the majority of the people here prefer other types of music? 634 00:39:33,453 --> 00:39:36,892 What about Pablo's dogs? His name's Mateo and he hasn't got a dog. 635 00:39:36,893 --> 00:39:41,532 You ring a bell enough times and a dog will start slavering. 636 00:39:41,533 --> 00:39:44,293 I'm not sure. I think you're just saying random words now. 637 00:39:45,293 --> 00:39:50,253 Watch and learn, my friends. Joyce Temple Savage will not be beaten. 638 00:39:51,333 --> 00:39:53,892 Something tells me she will be beaten, young 'un. 639 00:39:53,893 --> 00:39:56,092 About the face and upper body with a chair leg 640 00:39:56,093 --> 00:39:58,133 if she pisses this lot off any more! 641 00:40:02,293 --> 00:40:07,532 Bonsoir tout le monde, my name as many of you now know is Joyce... 642 00:40:07,533 --> 00:40:09,932 Temple Savage. 643 00:40:09,933 --> 00:40:14,372 Yes, that's correct and it is my profound pleasure to introduce tonight's entertainment. 644 00:40:14,373 --> 00:40:16,893 There will be no karaoke this evening... 645 00:40:19,893 --> 00:40:25,132 but instead we have a singer who is described in Opera Today magazine 646 00:40:25,133 --> 00:40:27,172 as 'a wonderfully gifted young man 647 00:40:27,173 --> 00:40:30,572 with a winning smile and a golden voice'. 648 00:40:30,573 --> 00:40:35,812 Please welcome, all the way from Milan, Arturo! 649 00:40:35,813 --> 00:40:40,093 Boo! 650 00:40:49,413 --> 00:40:54,532 ♪ Dalla sua pace... ♪ 651 00:40:54,533 --> 00:40:57,212 What are they frigging about at? 652 00:40:57,213 --> 00:41:00,252 People on holiday don't want to be listening to this! 653 00:41:00,253 --> 00:41:02,132 Well, it's all right, 654 00:41:02,133 --> 00:41:04,732 but I don't think I'd want to listen to it all night. 655 00:41:04,733 --> 00:41:11,893 ♪ Piace vita mi rende... ♪ 656 00:41:12,933 --> 00:41:16,132 I've seen enough. Come on, we're hitting the town. 657 00:41:16,133 --> 00:41:20,412 Hang on, I think I've just developed a love of opera. 658 00:41:20,413 --> 00:41:23,452 ♪ Morte... ♪ 659 00:41:23,453 --> 00:41:26,572 Crap music, but he's as fit as they come. 660 00:41:26,573 --> 00:41:30,132 Oh, I could sit and let it wash over me all night. 661 00:41:30,133 --> 00:41:32,533 Hey, you dirty git, I saw him first! 662 00:41:33,733 --> 00:41:36,413 I was talking about the music. Yeah, right! 663 00:41:37,093 --> 00:41:38,971 You see, the peasants aren't revolting. 664 00:41:38,972 --> 00:41:40,933 Far from it, can you see what's happening? 665 00:41:40,934 --> 00:41:43,292 Yeah, the poor lad's dying on his arse! 666 00:41:43,293 --> 00:41:47,612 The odd nod of appreciation, the gentle swaying of the head. 667 00:41:47,613 --> 00:41:50,172 You see, people don't have to be screaming and shouting 668 00:41:50,173 --> 00:41:53,852 and throwing themselves about the place to enjoy themselves. 669 00:41:53,853 --> 00:41:59,932 ♪ E mia quell'ira... ♪ 670 00:41:59,933 --> 00:42:01,693 I am not so sure. 671 00:42:06,333 --> 00:42:11,053 This is boring. Aw, poor lad's getting all flustered. 672 00:42:11,853 --> 00:42:14,493 Mind you, it is absolute shite. 673 00:42:14,853 --> 00:42:17,652 What did they say this lad's name was? 674 00:42:17,653 --> 00:42:19,452 Dunno. 675 00:42:19,453 --> 00:42:22,612 I know who that is, that's Asa. 676 00:42:22,613 --> 00:42:24,492 Who is it? 677 00:42:24,493 --> 00:42:28,733 Asa Elliott, he used to sing for us at The Benidorm Palace. 678 00:42:29,813 --> 00:42:34,932 Hey, Asa! Give us a song we know! 679 00:42:34,933 --> 00:42:37,252 All right Madge. How you doing? 680 00:42:37,253 --> 00:42:39,532 It's all gone a bit Pete Tong up here. 681 00:42:39,533 --> 00:42:42,173 Well, try number 27. 682 00:42:43,293 --> 00:42:45,293 Number 27, Darren! 683 00:42:53,773 --> 00:42:58,052 ♪ I seen her in a smoky room ♪ 684 00:42:58,053 --> 00:43:01,412 ♪ The smell of wine and cheap perfume ♪ 685 00:43:01,413 --> 00:43:04,612 ♪ For a smile they can share the night ♪ 686 00:43:04,613 --> 00:43:09,052 ♪ It goes on and on and on and on ♪ 687 00:43:09,053 --> 00:43:12,973 ♪ Strangers waiting ♪ 688 00:43:13,933 --> 00:43:16,932 ♪ Up and down the boulevard♪ 689 00:43:16,933 --> 00:43:20,772 ♪ There's shadows searching...♪ 690 00:43:20,773 --> 00:43:22,812 It's Mick. 691 00:43:22,813 --> 00:43:24,892 He's got everything sorted, 692 00:43:24,893 --> 00:43:27,932 and he's flying out tomorrow! Oh, my dad's coming on holiday! 693 00:43:27,933 --> 00:43:33,292 ♪ People living just to find emotion ♪ 694 00:43:33,293 --> 00:43:39,212 ♪ Hiding somewhere in the night... ♪ 695 00:43:39,213 --> 00:43:41,772 This guy is good. He's brilliant! 696 00:43:41,773 --> 00:43:43,453 Course he is! 697 00:43:44,653 --> 00:43:46,973 I had you all going there, didn't I? 698 00:43:49,693 --> 00:43:53,693 Well, the pack mentality's working - even you've joined them. 699 00:43:56,253 --> 00:43:58,292 Go on, son! 700 00:43:58,293 --> 00:44:01,333 ♪ Don't stop believing ♪ 701 00:44:02,413 --> 00:44:05,692 ♪ Hold on to the end ♪ 702 00:44:05,693 --> 00:44:10,933 ♪ Streetlights, people ♪ 703 00:44:13,453 --> 00:44:17,253 ♪ Don't stop believing ♪ 704 00:44:18,493 --> 00:44:21,372 ♪ Hold on to the end... ♪ 705 00:44:21,373 --> 00:44:23,253 I don't believe it, I think I'm in there. 706 00:44:23,254 --> 00:44:27,052 Of course you are, queen, he's gagging for you. 707 00:44:27,053 --> 00:44:29,413 You've no idea what it was like being here last year 708 00:44:29,414 --> 00:44:31,532 with my leg in plaster, I couldn't get a sniff! 709 00:44:31,533 --> 00:44:35,572 That was then, this is now, girl. You go for it! 710 00:44:35,573 --> 00:44:37,572 Whoo! 711 00:44:37,573 --> 00:44:43,853 ♪ Streetlights, people ♪ 712 00:44:51,533 --> 00:44:53,812 Are you all right, queen? 713 00:44:53,813 --> 00:44:55,973 I think I've broken my arm. 714 00:44:58,453 --> 00:45:00,773 I don't believe it!