1 00:00:03,217 --> 00:00:06,385 As great as it is bringing a baby home from the hospital, 2 00:00:06,775 --> 00:00:10,151 there's one sound you absolutely dread waking up to... 3 00:00:13,849 --> 00:00:15,106 Relatives. 4 00:00:18,925 --> 00:00:21,725 I really never saw this wedding pictures, mama. 5 00:00:21,925 --> 00:00:23,125 How handsome and young papa looks. 6 00:00:24,284 --> 00:00:26,487 Ay, it makes me sad. 7 00:00:26,488 --> 00:00:28,281 Ay, I know that you miss him. 8 00:00:28,282 --> 00:00:30,018 No. Look at my ass. 9 00:00:30,019 --> 00:00:32,222 There are two things in that picture I don't have anymore. 10 00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:35,208 Sonia, can I help you? 11 00:00:35,209 --> 00:00:37,335 No, no, she's fine. It keeps her busy. 12 00:00:37,336 --> 00:00:39,476 We need more corn. Gloria, where is your garden? 13 00:00:39,477 --> 00:00:40,534 I will harvest some. 14 00:00:40,535 --> 00:00:41,946 They don't live that way, honey. 15 00:00:41,947 --> 00:00:43,987 Gloria, give me the keys. We'll go to the market. 16 00:00:43,988 --> 00:00:45,802 Hey, you're all awake. I didn't hear you. 17 00:00:45,803 --> 00:00:48,166 Oh, look at my two handsome men. 18 00:00:48,366 --> 00:00:49,566 Mi ni�'o, Fulgencio Umberto. 19 00:00:50,823 --> 00:00:52,239 You know, about the name, we're not entirely sure... 20 00:00:52,439 --> 00:00:55,539 Sonia, vamonos. Good-bye, Fulgencio. 21 00:00:55,719 --> 00:00:57,511 Say good-bye to Fulgencio. 22 00:00:57,731 --> 00:00:59,113 Good-bye, Fulgencio. 23 00:00:59,114 --> 00:01:00,345 His name is Joe. 24 00:01:00,346 --> 00:01:02,510 You tell her that we're not naming him 25 00:01:02,511 --> 00:01:05,459 after her dead husband or his father before him. 26 00:01:05,460 --> 00:01:07,303 - His name was-- - Please don't say it again. 27 00:01:07,304 --> 00:01:10,520 Jay, I cannot go against my mother's will. 28 00:01:10,633 --> 00:01:12,147 But she likes you. 29 00:01:12,148 --> 00:01:13,954 Maybe if you convince her... 30 00:01:13,955 --> 00:01:17,558 Fulgencio Umberto-- the initials are F.U. Pritchett. 31 00:01:17,559 --> 00:01:19,903 Which is exactly the way it feels right now. 32 00:01:32,531 --> 00:01:35,105 Is there some kind of dress code for godparents? 33 00:01:35,106 --> 00:01:36,388 You're not wearing a fedora, Phil. 34 00:01:36,389 --> 00:01:37,524 Can you pick up the dry cleaning? 35 00:01:37,525 --> 00:01:40,295 That sounds like an offer I can't refuse. 36 00:01:40,478 --> 00:01:42,150 Yeah, we're not doing that. 37 00:01:42,151 --> 00:01:44,473 So I got delayed picking up Lily from dance class. 38 00:01:44,474 --> 00:01:45,724 Now Gloria's got me running around 39 00:01:45,725 --> 00:01:47,240 doing a thousand things for christening. 40 00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:48,636 Son of a bitch. 41 00:01:48,637 --> 00:01:51,125 It's not that bad, really. I'm just--I'm venting. 42 00:01:51,259 --> 00:01:52,722 I couldn't believe it. Somebody's balloons 43 00:01:52,723 --> 00:01:54,573 were blocking my billboard. Philboard. 44 00:01:54,574 --> 00:01:55,877 My philboard. 45 00:01:57,070 --> 00:01:59,125 Can we wear the same outfits at Crispin's party 46 00:01:59,126 --> 00:02:00,659 that we're wearing to the baptism? 47 00:02:00,660 --> 00:02:01,754 Oh, you know what? I don't know. 48 00:02:01,755 --> 00:02:03,364 Because you wanna be subdued at church 49 00:02:03,365 --> 00:02:04,715 and then fabulous at night. 50 00:02:04,716 --> 00:02:05,712 You know who would make a fortune? 51 00:02:05,713 --> 00:02:08,376 The designer who comes up with the little black dress for men. 52 00:02:08,909 --> 00:02:10,031 I'm bored. 53 00:02:10,032 --> 00:02:11,747 I know, sweetie, but daddies are talking 54 00:02:11,748 --> 00:02:13,394 about what we're gonna wear tonight, 55 00:02:13,395 --> 00:02:15,031 and that's a difficult conversation. 56 00:02:15,032 --> 00:02:17,240 - Cry me a river. - Lily. 57 00:02:17,668 --> 00:02:19,349 I-I'm not loving this attitude. 58 00:02:19,350 --> 00:02:20,410 You seem a little mean. 59 00:02:20,411 --> 00:02:23,781 Sorry. Should I call you a wah-mbulance? 60 00:02:24,835 --> 00:02:27,317 Oh, my gosh. She has been so snarky lately. 61 00:02:27,318 --> 00:02:28,874 I know. I've actually been getting nervous 62 00:02:28,875 --> 00:02:30,300 when we're making her late for something. 63 00:02:30,301 --> 00:02:31,630 Because of what she said the other day? 64 00:02:31,631 --> 00:02:33,631 - "Today, ladies." - Hurtful. 65 00:02:33,856 --> 00:02:36,072 You know, she hears us doing it, 66 00:02:36,555 --> 00:02:39,019 so we--we should try and be less negative. 67 00:02:39,275 --> 00:02:40,839 Model some better behavior. 68 00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:43,198 Yeah. Well, you know, if it's a model she needs, 69 00:02:43,199 --> 00:02:44,235 she's come to the right place. 70 00:02:44,236 --> 00:02:45,255 Oh, boy. Hmm. 71 00:02:46,903 --> 00:02:48,076 I wish Lily was in here 72 00:02:48,077 --> 00:02:50,254 so she could hear me not comment on that. 73 00:02:50,308 --> 00:02:51,964 I get it. You're modeling. 74 00:02:52,554 --> 00:02:54,866 Hey, it's Phil Dunphy again. 75 00:02:55,618 --> 00:02:57,128 I-I got cut off by your machine. 76 00:02:57,129 --> 00:02:59,009 I'm, uh, not sure where I left off there, 77 00:02:59,010 --> 00:03:00,139 but I'll attempt to be brief, 78 00:03:00,140 --> 00:03:02,996 as I do appreciate when people do the same for me. 79 00:03:03,340 --> 00:03:06,809 Anyhoo, uh, your balloons are co-- Damn it! 80 00:03:06,810 --> 00:03:08,736 Is anyone home? Mom! 81 00:03:08,737 --> 00:03:10,140 I need her first. Mom! 82 00:03:10,141 --> 00:03:12,462 - She's out. - Why is she always gone when we need an adult? 83 00:03:12,463 --> 00:03:14,281 - I can help. - What's with the cage? 84 00:03:14,282 --> 00:03:16,185 - Science project. - Mom, where are you? 85 00:03:16,186 --> 00:03:18,017 - Out. It's just the three of us. - Four. 86 00:03:18,018 --> 00:03:19,656 - I need her. - Rats. 87 00:03:19,657 --> 00:03:20,680 I know, right? 88 00:03:20,681 --> 00:03:22,718 Guys, I'm right here. What do you need? 89 00:03:22,719 --> 00:03:23,233 - No, it's okay. - We're good. 90 00:03:23,234 --> 00:03:25,350 - Okay, never mind. - No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 91 00:03:25,351 --> 00:03:27,236 Family meeting. Everybody grab some 'za. 92 00:03:27,237 --> 00:03:28,701 We're gonna talk about this. 93 00:03:30,424 --> 00:03:33,026 Listen, I know you guys like to go to mom 94 00:03:33,027 --> 00:03:35,178 because she's Mr. tough guy problem-solver. 95 00:03:35,179 --> 00:03:36,113 She gets results. 96 00:03:36,114 --> 00:03:38,409 Yeah, she does. She does. You're right. 97 00:03:38,746 --> 00:03:40,886 Like the last time we got pizza from our favorite place here. 98 00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:42,527 Remember that? We got shortchanged, 99 00:03:42,528 --> 00:03:44,857 she cursed a blue streak and got our money back? 100 00:03:45,294 --> 00:03:46,773 How's that pizza, by the way? 101 00:03:46,776 --> 00:03:48,577 - Pretty good. - It's okay. - Liars! 102 00:03:48,722 --> 00:03:49,939 It's garbage. 103 00:03:49,940 --> 00:03:52,398 That's not Scardino's, it's Scandoni's. 104 00:03:52,527 --> 00:03:53,650 You know why? 105 00:03:53,818 --> 00:03:55,359 'Cause your mom's little blow-up 106 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:59,424 got us banned from Scardino's for life. 107 00:03:59,733 --> 00:04:02,021 So maybe your mom's way isn't always the best way. 108 00:04:02,254 --> 00:04:04,088 Now why don't you guys tell me what's going on? 109 00:04:04,402 --> 00:04:06,882 I'm having a '60s-themed birthday party next week. 110 00:04:06,883 --> 00:04:08,883 Hippies, bell-bottoms, tie-dye. 111 00:04:09,106 --> 00:04:10,313 Karen Sullivan heard about it, 112 00:04:10,314 --> 00:04:13,258 and decided to have the same party... tonight. 113 00:04:13,593 --> 00:04:14,857 Not groovy. 114 00:04:14,984 --> 00:04:17,049 I accidentally called my teacher "mommy." 115 00:04:17,049 --> 00:04:19,937 My "friend" Reuben went around and told everyone. 116 00:04:20,297 --> 00:04:21,480 Oh, hey, Reuben, 117 00:04:21,481 --> 00:04:23,556 do you remember that class field trip to the zoo 118 00:04:23,557 --> 00:04:26,277 when the zebra rushed the fence and you peed your pants? 119 00:04:26,339 --> 00:04:29,051 I didn't tell anyone, not even on the bus ride home 120 00:04:29,052 --> 00:04:30,453 when he had to sit next to mom-- 121 00:04:30,454 --> 00:04:32,369 Ms. Bockman! Damn it! 122 00:04:32,370 --> 00:04:33,528 Our neighbor's out of town, 123 00:04:33,529 --> 00:04:36,252 and she's paying me to move her car on street cleaning days. 124 00:04:36,253 --> 00:04:37,918 Now I would just park it in her driveway, 125 00:04:37,919 --> 00:04:40,339 but she already has a camper and a cord of wood there. 126 00:04:40,340 --> 00:04:42,165 Pretty sure she's a lesbian. 127 00:04:42,166 --> 00:04:43,971 Anyway, easy money, right? 128 00:04:44,458 --> 00:04:46,098 Oh, my God, I can't see anything! 129 00:04:46,099 --> 00:04:47,360 Hard starboard! 130 00:04:47,361 --> 00:04:48,829 What does that even mean?! 131 00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:51,309 - Move your car! - How much longer do I have to block people? 132 00:04:51,310 --> 00:04:52,927 - Come on! - I'm late for the airport. 133 00:04:52,928 --> 00:04:54,600 Dylan, you are being no help right now! 134 00:04:54,601 --> 00:04:57,092 Sorry, but I'm already in trouble with dispatch 135 00:04:57,093 --> 00:04:58,996 for drinking all those little waters. 136 00:04:58,997 --> 00:05:00,844 - Drive! Do it now! - Aah! 137 00:05:03,299 --> 00:05:04,869 How do I tell her I snapped a branch 138 00:05:04,870 --> 00:05:06,423 on her beloved lemon tree? 139 00:05:06,424 --> 00:05:07,698 I mean, she boils the leaves 140 00:05:07,699 --> 00:05:10,195 to add a scent to her own work boot oil. 141 00:05:10,239 --> 00:05:12,714 Did I mention she plays in two softball leagues? 142 00:05:12,715 --> 00:05:13,540 Now what are you guys gonna do? 143 00:05:13,541 --> 00:05:14,779 You gonna have your mom go around 144 00:05:14,780 --> 00:05:18,333 and yell at all these people and burn a bunch of bridges? 145 00:05:18,334 --> 00:05:20,808 Or are you gonna talk to your Reubens, 146 00:05:20,809 --> 00:05:24,130 your Karens, your lemon... lady, 147 00:05:24,693 --> 00:05:25,877 tell 'em how you feel, 148 00:05:25,878 --> 00:05:27,750 appeal to their human side? 149 00:05:29,276 --> 00:05:31,027 The choice is pretty simple, huh? 150 00:05:33,906 --> 00:05:34,866 So she's out all day? 151 00:05:34,867 --> 00:05:36,467 - I'll try her cell. - It's off. 152 00:05:36,468 --> 00:05:38,325 I texted her while dad was talking. 153 00:05:40,695 --> 00:05:42,312 Pilar, I brought you a coffee. 154 00:05:42,313 --> 00:05:44,736 - Oh. - I put a little something extra in it. 155 00:05:45,115 --> 00:05:47,667 Jay, you devil. 156 00:05:47,673 --> 00:05:49,785 Hey, by the way, look... 157 00:05:51,211 --> 00:05:52,850 It's beautiful, no? 158 00:05:52,851 --> 00:05:55,558 It's the dressing gown for Fulgencio's christening. 159 00:05:55,559 --> 00:05:57,598 All the men in our family wear this. 160 00:05:57,599 --> 00:05:59,154 What's one more son in a dress? 161 00:05:59,155 --> 00:06:02,339 Oh, tradition. Oh, it's so important. 162 00:06:02,521 --> 00:06:06,279 I have a gift in here for little Fulgencio 163 00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:08,866 that has been in my family for three generations. 164 00:06:08,867 --> 00:06:10,628 You know, about this naming thing-- 165 00:06:10,629 --> 00:06:14,279 In America, it's not real common to hear the name Fuljencio. 166 00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:15,802 It's "Ful-hen-cio." 167 00:06:15,803 --> 00:06:17,148 - Hen? - Hen. 168 00:06:17,149 --> 00:06:19,974 I don't need to practice it 'cause I can't name my son that. 169 00:06:20,188 --> 00:06:21,796 I'm just being honest with you. 170 00:06:22,163 --> 00:06:24,137 No. No, no, no, no, that's good. 171 00:06:24,138 --> 00:06:26,092 That's good. I should be more honest with you sometimes. 172 00:06:26,093 --> 00:06:27,736 Well, we've known each other a few years. 173 00:06:27,737 --> 00:06:29,083 - I don't like you, Jay. - Huh? 174 00:06:29,084 --> 00:06:32,199 Nah. We can act like everything is fine for the family, 175 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:34,039 but, you know, I have never liked you. 176 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:37,302 The way you take whatever looks good to you-- 177 00:06:37,303 --> 00:06:41,143 you know, like my daughter or the last piece of meat. 178 00:06:41,849 --> 00:06:44,138 You're always too busy to pick me up at the airport. 179 00:06:44,139 --> 00:06:47,181 You send a total stranger with a cardboard sign. 180 00:06:47,182 --> 00:06:48,452 - Hi, grandma. - Hey. 181 00:06:48,453 --> 00:06:50,044 Hey, buddy. Get over here. 182 00:06:50,364 --> 00:06:52,428 I sure do love the cross you got me. 183 00:06:52,429 --> 00:06:53,816 But do I have to wear it today? 184 00:06:53,817 --> 00:06:55,792 It's kinda hard to close my shirt over it. 185 00:06:55,793 --> 00:06:57,316 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 186 00:06:57,317 --> 00:06:59,209 You do whatever you want, padrecito. 187 00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:01,058 I know that's the way in this house. 188 00:07:01,109 --> 00:07:04,356 But if you wear it, ooh, you'll make me proud. 189 00:07:04,357 --> 00:07:06,646 It's been in my family for five generations. 190 00:07:06,647 --> 00:07:08,519 - Okay. - I'll walk you out, buddy. 191 00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:10,954 Is anything in her family new? 192 00:07:12,628 --> 00:07:13,900 Just you. 193 00:07:19,961 --> 00:07:21,585 Okay. Excuse me. Sorry. 194 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:24,871 All right. Here we've got the deli platter, 195 00:07:25,063 --> 00:07:26,543 and there's more in my car. 196 00:07:26,857 --> 00:07:28,547 But those are not from Rumpernook's. 197 00:07:28,548 --> 00:07:30,488 No, because the cheese at Rump... 198 00:07:30,747 --> 00:07:32,044 I don't go there anymore. 199 00:07:32,389 --> 00:07:33,712 I'm going to do the laundry. 200 00:07:33,713 --> 00:07:36,558 Okay, Sonia. I love you so much. 201 00:07:36,559 --> 00:07:38,555 Wow. Pretty cozy with the new housekeeper, huh? 202 00:07:38,556 --> 00:07:40,145 She's my sister. 203 00:07:40,604 --> 00:07:42,692 Wow. Pretty weird with your sister. 204 00:07:42,693 --> 00:07:45,735 She likes to keep busy. But I feel bad for her. 205 00:07:45,736 --> 00:07:47,684 I have so much, and she has nothing. 206 00:07:47,685 --> 00:07:49,699 Okay. Well, people make their own choices. 207 00:07:49,700 --> 00:07:50,897 It's not like you're responsible. 208 00:07:50,898 --> 00:07:52,114 No, no. 209 00:07:53,095 --> 00:07:54,567 Maybe just a little bit. 210 00:07:55,214 --> 00:07:58,150 I was older and I had opportunities to travel, 211 00:07:58,151 --> 00:07:59,294 and I took them. 212 00:07:59,295 --> 00:08:01,447 Well, it didn't prevent her from going anywhere. 213 00:08:01,448 --> 00:08:02,560 No, no. 214 00:08:03,136 --> 00:08:04,608 Maybe just one time. 215 00:08:04,826 --> 00:08:06,915 There was a letter that arrived from America 216 00:08:06,916 --> 00:08:08,887 about a job opportunity. 217 00:08:08,888 --> 00:08:10,935 And it was only for one person, 218 00:08:11,136 --> 00:08:12,147 and I went. 219 00:08:12,148 --> 00:08:15,164 But it's not like the envelope was addressed to her, 220 00:08:15,165 --> 00:08:17,050 and you opened it and... 221 00:08:17,141 --> 00:08:17,927 You're evil. 222 00:08:17,928 --> 00:08:20,320 I had to get out of there, Claire. 223 00:08:20,350 --> 00:08:22,014 You just strapped on those high heels 224 00:08:22,015 --> 00:08:24,259 and walked right over her back, didn't you? 225 00:08:24,659 --> 00:08:26,268 Maybe a little bit. 226 00:08:26,733 --> 00:08:28,036 Where is the river? 227 00:08:30,513 --> 00:08:32,221 Hey, boys! 228 00:08:32,222 --> 00:08:33,242 Crispin. 229 00:08:33,243 --> 00:08:34,613 Hey, shouldn't you be preparing 230 00:08:34,614 --> 00:08:36,186 for your annual party of the century? 231 00:08:36,187 --> 00:08:37,120 It's done and it's perfect. 232 00:08:37,121 --> 00:08:38,609 In my mind, I'm already into next year's. 233 00:08:38,610 --> 00:08:39,834 Listen, I'm here with Brett. 234 00:08:39,835 --> 00:08:41,033 I don't know if you've seen his new look, 235 00:08:41,034 --> 00:08:42,871 but you are going to have a heart attack and die. 236 00:08:42,872 --> 00:08:43,533 No one's dying. 237 00:08:43,534 --> 00:08:45,217 - It's just an expression. - Yeah. 238 00:08:45,499 --> 00:08:47,225 Hey, handsome. 239 00:08:47,226 --> 00:08:48,451 Yep, I did it. 240 00:08:48,452 --> 00:08:50,062 Pulled the trigger and got a perm. 241 00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:51,354 You sure did. 242 00:08:51,355 --> 00:08:53,392 Did it myself, right in the kitchen. 243 00:08:53,393 --> 00:08:54,878 You don't need to spend a million 244 00:08:54,879 --> 00:08:56,334 to look like a million. 245 00:08:56,550 --> 00:08:58,605 Uh, you know, my coffee's probably ready, so... 246 00:09:00,301 --> 00:09:01,548 Bye. 247 00:09:02,087 --> 00:09:03,790 Okay, that's like a chia pet, right? 248 00:09:03,929 --> 00:09:05,665 Maybe a drag production of "Annie"? 249 00:09:05,839 --> 00:09:07,002 Oh, actually, Lily, 250 00:09:07,003 --> 00:09:08,674 I-I think Uncle Crispin's forgetting 251 00:09:08,675 --> 00:09:10,128 that Brett has feelings, 252 00:09:10,129 --> 00:09:11,609 and we need to try and not hurt them. 253 00:09:11,610 --> 00:09:13,353 Yes, and maybe we should remind Uncle Crispin 254 00:09:13,354 --> 00:09:15,081 that when you say nice things to people, 255 00:09:15,082 --> 00:09:16,851 they say nice things back. 256 00:09:17,247 --> 00:09:19,495 Well... consider me reminded. 257 00:09:20,363 --> 00:09:21,014 Gotta run. 258 00:09:21,015 --> 00:09:22,221 Yeah, we'll see you tonight. Bye. 259 00:09:22,222 --> 00:09:23,265 Okay. Yeah, can't wait. Can't wait. 260 00:09:23,266 --> 00:09:24,262 He's funny. 261 00:09:24,263 --> 00:09:26,385 Yes, he is, but he can also be biting. 262 00:09:26,386 --> 00:09:28,712 - He bites people? - Well, with his words, 263 00:09:28,713 --> 00:09:30,447 not with his teeth like Xander from art class. 264 00:09:30,448 --> 00:09:31,885 We need to confirm he got his shot. 265 00:09:31,886 --> 00:09:32,695 Yeah. 266 00:09:32,818 --> 00:09:35,306 Oh, my God. Okay, Crispin-- 267 00:09:35,307 --> 00:09:38,018 "Too many RSVPs. Have to make cuts to party. 268 00:09:38,019 --> 00:09:39,947 Maybe next time." Sad face. 269 00:09:41,541 --> 00:09:42,985 Because we refuse to abuse, 270 00:09:42,986 --> 00:09:45,284 we get banned from the party of the century? 271 00:09:45,372 --> 00:09:48,211 Does somebody need a wah-mbulance? 272 00:09:48,985 --> 00:09:50,595 No. I do not need a wah-mbulance. 273 00:09:52,371 --> 00:09:55,455 Hey, kids. How was your day? 274 00:09:55,567 --> 00:09:57,543 I knew the answer to that question. 275 00:09:57,697 --> 00:09:59,006 I'd had kind of a busy day 276 00:09:59,007 --> 00:10:01,553 going around solving everyone's problems. 277 00:10:01,554 --> 00:10:04,720 I started by going to see my buddy Stavros the florist. 278 00:10:05,795 --> 00:10:07,076 Stavros, I assume? 279 00:10:07,077 --> 00:10:07,706 Yes? 280 00:10:07,707 --> 00:10:09,841 I just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood. 281 00:10:09,842 --> 00:10:10,351 Oh, thank you. 282 00:10:10,352 --> 00:10:12,773 Yeah, I brought you some sandwiches, by the way. 283 00:10:12,774 --> 00:10:14,415 How good is lamb, huh? 284 00:10:15,290 --> 00:10:17,145 - Nikos! - Oh! Gotcha. 285 00:10:18,455 --> 00:10:19,759 Get back in there. 286 00:10:19,992 --> 00:10:21,192 I'm so sorry. 287 00:10:21,461 --> 00:10:23,209 Is there anything I can do for you? 288 00:10:23,210 --> 00:10:25,492 Oh, no. No. I... 289 00:10:26,879 --> 00:10:27,844 Well... 290 00:10:27,845 --> 00:10:30,210 That's when I realized my kids didn't understand 291 00:10:30,211 --> 00:10:31,850 the concept of killing with kindness 292 00:10:31,851 --> 00:10:33,704 because they'd never seen it. 293 00:10:33,705 --> 00:10:36,321 So I decided I'd prove it to them 294 00:10:36,648 --> 00:10:39,208 by going on a huggacidal rampage. 295 00:10:40,191 --> 00:10:42,624 Is that Reuben rockin' the Potter specs? 296 00:10:42,625 --> 00:10:44,409 Quiddiculous! 297 00:10:44,775 --> 00:10:45,642 Hey, listen, buddy, 298 00:10:45,643 --> 00:10:47,512 I heard about Luke calling his teacher "mommy." 299 00:10:47,513 --> 00:10:49,153 Epic fail, by the way. 300 00:10:49,347 --> 00:10:50,970 But, you know, since you're one of the cool kids, 301 00:10:50,971 --> 00:10:53,787 maybe you could get the other ones to ease off a little? 302 00:10:54,271 --> 00:10:56,103 Cool. Air bump. 303 00:10:56,331 --> 00:10:58,378 Hey, Lee, it's Phil Dunphy from down the street. 304 00:10:58,379 --> 00:10:59,738 We haven't met. I was actually calling 305 00:10:59,739 --> 00:11:01,037 to leave a message for your wife, 306 00:11:01,038 --> 00:11:03,724 just to say thanks for hiring my daughter Haley. 307 00:11:03,895 --> 00:11:06,907 Listen, we'd love to have you and the missus over for a glass of wine, 308 00:11:06,908 --> 00:11:08,974 or--or, uh, maybe you and I could go out for a boys' night. 309 00:11:08,975 --> 00:11:10,337 But anyway, if you could-- 310 00:11:10,338 --> 00:11:11,496 Damn it! 311 00:11:12,929 --> 00:11:15,440 Hey, Karen Sullivan. Alex's dad. 312 00:11:15,441 --> 00:11:17,873 Well, look whose teeth got so nice and straight. 313 00:11:19,727 --> 00:11:21,414 Who wants to go first? 314 00:11:21,434 --> 00:11:22,521 - Are you kidding? - Are you crazy? 315 00:11:22,522 --> 00:11:24,495 - What are you trying to-- - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! 316 00:11:24,496 --> 00:11:25,733 One at a time! 317 00:11:25,734 --> 00:11:27,594 You called Ms. Cooper a man! 318 00:11:27,595 --> 00:11:28,408 No, I didn't. 319 00:11:28,409 --> 00:11:30,918 - I got her husband Lee on the machine. - There is no husband! 320 00:11:30,919 --> 00:11:31,928 She's Lee! 321 00:11:31,929 --> 00:11:34,296 Weirdly deep-voiced, alcoholic, gay Lee Cooper 322 00:11:34,297 --> 00:11:36,646 who you invited out for a glass of wine! 323 00:11:36,647 --> 00:11:38,580 Thanks to your little charm offensive with Karen, 324 00:11:38,581 --> 00:11:40,052 one thing did change about her party-- 325 00:11:40,053 --> 00:11:41,140 I'm not invited! 326 00:11:41,141 --> 00:11:43,048 "Quiddiculous"? "Epic fail"? 327 00:11:43,049 --> 00:11:45,649 Now the whole school is just laughing at both of us. 328 00:11:49,154 --> 00:11:50,841 Stavros, hey! 329 00:11:52,574 --> 00:11:53,822 Why not?! 330 00:11:57,260 --> 00:11:58,270 What? 331 00:11:58,271 --> 00:11:59,743 Change of plans. 332 00:12:00,056 --> 00:12:01,161 This isn't over. 333 00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:04,286 I want you to wear something beautiful tonight. 334 00:12:04,287 --> 00:12:06,047 So please, choose. 335 00:12:06,470 --> 00:12:07,741 What is this room? 336 00:12:07,825 --> 00:12:09,611 This is the closet. 337 00:12:09,989 --> 00:12:11,492 So all the people of the town, 338 00:12:11,493 --> 00:12:13,301 they leave their nice clothes with you? 339 00:12:13,361 --> 00:12:15,769 No. These are all my clothes. 340 00:12:15,770 --> 00:12:20,003 But... I do miss the simple things at home. 341 00:12:20,287 --> 00:12:23,297 So tell me, how-- how are things in the village? 342 00:12:23,298 --> 00:12:24,440 We had a flood. 343 00:12:24,441 --> 00:12:27,370 Ay, but it-- it wasn't a bad one, right? 344 00:12:27,431 --> 00:12:28,500 We had a boat. 345 00:12:28,501 --> 00:12:30,101 Ay, that's great. 346 00:12:30,288 --> 00:12:31,791 We had a boat. 347 00:12:32,828 --> 00:12:34,572 Are you dating anyone? 348 00:12:34,573 --> 00:12:36,877 You remember Antonio Marquez? 349 00:12:36,898 --> 00:12:37,957 Yes, of course. 350 00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:40,022 The most handsome boy in the school 351 00:12:40,023 --> 00:12:42,087 with those beautiful eyes. 352 00:12:42,088 --> 00:12:44,173 His father with the wooden leg... 353 00:12:44,441 --> 00:12:45,969 He lost it in the flood. 354 00:12:47,055 --> 00:12:48,847 So is it serious? 355 00:12:52,339 --> 00:12:53,207 Don't look at that. 356 00:12:53,208 --> 00:12:54,518 I won't. Trust me. 357 00:12:54,519 --> 00:12:55,520 Please. It's pathetic. 358 00:12:55,521 --> 00:12:56,874 Crispin getting all of our friends 359 00:12:56,875 --> 00:12:59,184 to text us the details of his great party. 360 00:12:59,185 --> 00:13:00,878 Such torture, huh? 361 00:13:01,455 --> 00:13:03,623 Oh, catering by Amelia's. Ow! 362 00:13:03,624 --> 00:13:05,472 Topless valet Parkers. 363 00:13:05,473 --> 00:13:06,892 - Sting. - Exactly. 364 00:13:06,893 --> 00:13:09,842 No, Sting is at the party. Mitchell, I wanna be there. 365 00:13:09,843 --> 00:13:11,037 - Cam. - No, come on. 366 00:13:11,038 --> 00:13:12,427 Who are we kidding? You do, too. 367 00:13:12,428 --> 00:13:13,818 Today, ladies! 368 00:13:13,819 --> 00:13:14,905 Okay, right there. That. 369 00:13:14,906 --> 00:13:16,525 That is why we are making the sacrifice-- 370 00:13:16,526 --> 00:13:17,317 for our daughter. 371 00:13:17,318 --> 00:13:18,196 Oh, yeah, you're right. 372 00:13:18,197 --> 00:13:20,369 I mean, I'm the last one who should be complaining 373 00:13:20,370 --> 00:13:23,222 when, let's face it, Lily's snarkiness is my doing. 374 00:13:23,223 --> 00:13:24,877 Well, what's done is done. 375 00:13:24,878 --> 00:13:26,606 Let's just get ready for church. 376 00:13:27,122 --> 00:13:28,841 Yeah, I mean, it's just hard to not feel guilty, 377 00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:30,612 you know, when it's mostly my fault. 378 00:13:30,613 --> 00:13:32,816 I get it. Just don't beat yourself up. 379 00:13:32,817 --> 00:13:34,990 Hey. Pocket square? No pocket square? 380 00:13:34,991 --> 00:13:38,088 Really? You're taking zero of the responsibility, or... 381 00:13:38,193 --> 00:13:40,788 Oh. We're you trying to get me to take the blame? 382 00:13:40,789 --> 00:13:42,296 Maybe just a little. Uh-huh. 383 00:13:42,297 --> 00:13:44,686 Oh, and deny you the chance to play the martyr? 384 00:13:44,857 --> 00:13:46,911 Look, Cam, if you're looking for me to be the bad guy, 385 00:13:46,912 --> 00:13:49,039 you're snarking up the wrong tree, okay? 386 00:13:49,131 --> 00:13:51,944 You are the one who can't let a single situation pass 387 00:13:51,945 --> 00:13:53,522 without making a comment. 388 00:13:55,879 --> 00:13:57,966 Oh, well, maybe I'll just start today. 389 00:13:57,967 --> 00:13:59,393 I think it'll make you feel better. 390 00:13:59,394 --> 00:14:00,881 I think I already do. 391 00:14:00,919 --> 00:14:02,895 Right to my face, "I don't like you." 392 00:14:03,231 --> 00:14:04,258 Nobody doesn't like me. 393 00:14:04,259 --> 00:14:06,642 I'm Jay. I'm-- I'm salt of the earth. 394 00:14:07,111 --> 00:14:08,530 Why are you inhaling my baby? 395 00:14:08,531 --> 00:14:10,802 Oh, they only smell perfect like this for a little while. 396 00:14:10,803 --> 00:14:12,495 Yeah. That's the stuff. 397 00:14:12,496 --> 00:14:14,897 From day one, I've treated this woman like a queen. 398 00:14:14,898 --> 00:14:16,482 I've flown her back and forth, 399 00:14:16,483 --> 00:14:18,647 I've... I've tasted her native food. 400 00:14:18,648 --> 00:14:20,061 You know what chin tastes like? 401 00:14:20,062 --> 00:14:21,317 - Mm. - 'Cause I do. 402 00:14:21,404 --> 00:14:22,876 And now to find out... 403 00:14:24,191 --> 00:14:25,192 What? I'm listening. 404 00:14:25,193 --> 00:14:26,755 You're rubbing yourself with the baby. 405 00:14:26,756 --> 00:14:28,683 I have seen you French kiss your dog. 406 00:14:28,684 --> 00:14:30,567 She was taking a treat out of my mouth. 407 00:14:30,568 --> 00:14:31,422 That's a trick. 408 00:14:31,423 --> 00:14:32,659 I am sure you know 409 00:14:32,660 --> 00:14:34,485 what I find funny about this situation. 410 00:14:34,486 --> 00:14:35,352 What? 411 00:14:35,353 --> 00:14:37,998 You have an in-law who, no matter what you do, 412 00:14:37,999 --> 00:14:40,777 no matter how hard you try, you can't win over. 413 00:14:40,778 --> 00:14:41,857 What about it? 414 00:14:42,410 --> 00:14:43,898 Wait. That doesn't sound familiar? 415 00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:46,973 You're not saying... 416 00:14:47,549 --> 00:14:48,477 Mm-hmm. Yeah, I am. 417 00:14:49,657 --> 00:14:51,354 Son of a bitch, I'm Phil. 418 00:14:54,739 --> 00:14:56,023 Hey, Pilar, it's awfully cold. 419 00:14:56,024 --> 00:14:57,604 Here. Why don't you take my jacket? 420 00:14:57,605 --> 00:14:59,305 Sure, yeah. Make me the rude one. 421 00:14:59,306 --> 00:15:01,047 Look, I'm sorry that I pointed out 422 00:15:01,048 --> 00:15:02,973 that we're both to blame here, all right? 423 00:15:02,974 --> 00:15:04,797 But let's not turn this lovely event 424 00:15:04,798 --> 00:15:07,088 into a competition. Here you go, sweetie. 425 00:15:07,088 --> 00:15:09,129 Oh, you know what? You're right. I shouldn't be picking at you. 426 00:15:09,130 --> 00:15:10,629 But don't forget to light your candle. 427 00:15:10,630 --> 00:15:12,196 I think everyone in the immediate family's doing it. 428 00:15:12,197 --> 00:15:13,868 Oh, yeah? Okay. Good--good idea. 429 00:15:17,367 --> 00:15:18,151 What the hell is that? 430 00:15:18,152 --> 00:15:20,857 Some kind of gay protest thing? 431 00:15:20,858 --> 00:15:22,718 It's a candle, dad. What are you talking about? 432 00:15:22,719 --> 00:15:24,329 You' purple panty tail. 433 00:15:24,330 --> 00:15:25,847 Oh, no. Oh, come on. 434 00:15:25,848 --> 00:15:28,464 We're in church, Mitchell, not some disco. 435 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:31,295 You did that on purpose! 436 00:15:31,296 --> 00:15:33,058 Oh, this stained glass is beautiful. 437 00:15:33,059 --> 00:15:34,394 Now listen, before we dunk the kid, 438 00:15:34,395 --> 00:15:36,377 you mind if I make a few casual remarks? 439 00:15:36,378 --> 00:15:37,938 I think you already did. 440 00:15:37,945 --> 00:15:39,569 Claire asked me a good question-- 441 00:15:39,570 --> 00:15:41,896 how did Phil win me over? 442 00:15:42,228 --> 00:15:43,515 Well, he hasn't yet. 443 00:15:43,516 --> 00:15:45,963 But when he stops trying so hard, 444 00:15:45,964 --> 00:15:48,454 and he acts like a real person, he comes close. 445 00:15:48,455 --> 00:15:50,704 That's what I needed to do with Pilar. 446 00:15:50,907 --> 00:15:52,631 I'd like to tell you the story 447 00:15:52,632 --> 00:15:54,671 of how I came to meet my incredible wife, 448 00:15:54,672 --> 00:15:56,580 because up until the birth of this child, 449 00:15:56,581 --> 00:15:58,622 it's the best thing that ever happened to me. 450 00:15:58,760 --> 00:15:59,762 Mm, that feels good huh? 451 00:15:59,763 --> 00:16:01,971 So it's morning. My car's getting waxed. 452 00:16:01,972 --> 00:16:03,363 I hop in the diner. 453 00:16:03,364 --> 00:16:04,713 I hear this adorable accent. 454 00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:07,336 I turn. I see this pretty girl talking to her friend. 455 00:16:07,337 --> 00:16:08,971 I send over a piece of pie. 456 00:16:08,972 --> 00:16:10,304 - All class. - Mm-hmm. 457 00:16:10,305 --> 00:16:11,439 Couple of minutes later, 458 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:14,800 who comes over to thank me but Gloria, 459 00:16:15,087 --> 00:16:16,901 the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. 460 00:16:16,902 --> 00:16:17,726 Amen. 461 00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:19,703 She sits down, we start talking, 462 00:16:19,750 --> 00:16:21,382 and we haven't stopped talking since. 463 00:16:22,704 --> 00:16:24,087 But here's the crazy part-- 464 00:16:24,088 --> 00:16:25,823 I didn't send the pie to Gloria. 465 00:16:26,268 --> 00:16:27,542 Her back was to me. 466 00:16:27,543 --> 00:16:28,897 I sent it to her friend, 467 00:16:28,898 --> 00:16:30,650 who went to the bathroom and missed it. 468 00:16:31,108 --> 00:16:32,837 And that person is here today-- 469 00:16:32,838 --> 00:16:34,702 Gloria's sister Sonia. 470 00:16:35,341 --> 00:16:37,323 Isn't it funny how a simple twist of fate 471 00:16:37,324 --> 00:16:38,494 can change the whole-- 472 00:16:38,495 --> 00:16:39,857 You stole my life! 473 00:16:39,858 --> 00:16:42,705 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on. 474 00:16:42,706 --> 00:16:43,677 I got Sonia! 475 00:16:46,725 --> 00:16:49,069 No more. I want my own life, my own bed, 476 00:16:49,070 --> 00:16:50,674 my own e-mail account! 477 00:16:50,675 --> 00:16:52,748 Yeah, leave your poor old mother alone. 478 00:16:52,948 --> 00:16:54,748 Don't worry mam·, you can come and live with us. 479 00:16:54,868 --> 00:16:56,483 Whoa. Pump the brakes here. 480 00:16:56,484 --> 00:16:58,105 What? Do you have a problem with my mother? 481 00:16:58,106 --> 00:16:59,641 No. Your mother has a problem with me. 482 00:16:59,642 --> 00:17:02,166 You think she's helpless. Ask her what's in that box. 483 00:17:02,167 --> 00:17:03,544 It's not the family gun? 484 00:17:03,545 --> 00:17:06,161 Jay, if anything should happen to Gloria, 485 00:17:06,420 --> 00:17:07,516 I am there for you. 486 00:17:07,517 --> 00:17:09,534 What, Sonia? What's going to happen to me? 487 00:17:09,535 --> 00:17:11,662 You might go for a walk in your closet one day 488 00:17:11,663 --> 00:17:13,305 and never come back! 489 00:17:15,999 --> 00:17:17,312 See what you're missing? Huh? 490 00:17:20,334 --> 00:17:21,694 Where is Luke? 491 00:17:21,728 --> 00:17:23,553 I think he's the one standing next to Matthew. 492 00:17:23,554 --> 00:17:24,746 Phil. 493 00:17:24,944 --> 00:17:26,301 He was feeling a little under the weather. 494 00:17:26,302 --> 00:17:27,197 I let him stay home. 495 00:17:27,198 --> 00:17:29,076 Or is he just too embarrassed to leave the house? 496 00:17:29,077 --> 00:17:30,536 Why would he be embarrassed? 497 00:17:30,537 --> 00:17:32,278 Because dad tried to fix all our problems, 498 00:17:32,279 --> 00:17:34,117 and instead, ruined all our lives. 499 00:17:34,118 --> 00:17:35,309 Nightmare. 500 00:17:35,357 --> 00:17:37,237 You girls are so dramatic. 501 00:17:37,265 --> 00:17:39,661 Do I need to call you a wah-mbulance? 502 00:17:39,662 --> 00:17:42,166 Wah-wah, wah-wah. 503 00:17:43,782 --> 00:17:45,435 - Did you hear that? - Yes! 504 00:17:45,436 --> 00:17:47,287 Claire's been driving Lily to dance class all week. 505 00:17:47,288 --> 00:17:48,347 That's where she gets it from! 506 00:17:48,348 --> 00:17:50,532 - We're not bad parents. Claire is. - Huh. 507 00:17:51,514 --> 00:17:52,577 I said I wasn't gonna cry, 508 00:17:52,578 --> 00:17:54,267 but, oh, boy, here it comes. Hmm! 509 00:17:55,737 --> 00:17:57,942 - No, no, Cam. Not with those. - Huh? 510 00:18:00,049 --> 00:18:01,466 Okay! That's it! 511 00:18:01,716 --> 00:18:03,748 We're in a House of God, damn it. 512 00:18:03,963 --> 00:18:06,964 Fine. Everyone just abandon me. 513 00:18:06,965 --> 00:18:08,467 Pilar, all due respect, 514 00:18:08,468 --> 00:18:09,939 no one's buying the martyr act. 515 00:18:09,940 --> 00:18:11,261 Not even this guy. 516 00:18:11,272 --> 00:18:13,472 You ask me, you've been keeping this one under your thumb 517 00:18:13,473 --> 00:18:15,379 'cause you're afraid of going on with your life. 518 00:18:15,380 --> 00:18:18,176 But you're an attractive woman with a lot to offer. 519 00:18:18,177 --> 00:18:19,602 This could be an opportunity. 520 00:18:19,603 --> 00:18:21,416 Hell, I don't even think I knew what happiness was 521 00:18:21,417 --> 00:18:22,394 till I was 60. 522 00:18:22,395 --> 00:18:23,718 And the hits just keep coming. Okay. 523 00:18:23,719 --> 00:18:25,807 Sonia, we're gonna help you get your own place, 524 00:18:25,965 --> 00:18:27,381 have some independence. 525 00:18:27,382 --> 00:18:28,639 And if you ever get lonely, 526 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:30,760 you come visit us as much as you want... 527 00:18:30,914 --> 00:18:32,450 With-- within reason. 528 00:18:32,550 --> 00:18:35,022 - And we'll send this one down to visit you. - What? 529 00:18:35,174 --> 00:18:37,871 But he's not gonna become a priest 'cause he likes girls. 530 00:18:38,002 --> 00:18:39,866 Can't get 'em, but he likes 'em. 531 00:18:39,962 --> 00:18:42,594 So... everybody think about it. 532 00:18:42,595 --> 00:18:43,454 But not for too long. 533 00:18:43,455 --> 00:18:45,343 There's an A.A. meeting here at 6:00. 534 00:18:46,662 --> 00:18:48,750 Sonia, please, let us do this for you. 535 00:18:48,887 --> 00:18:50,760 I really want you to be happy. 536 00:18:51,183 --> 00:18:52,688 Can you forgive me? 537 00:18:52,934 --> 00:18:54,272 It will take some time. 538 00:18:54,273 --> 00:18:55,697 As much as you need. 539 00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:56,985 And some dresses. 540 00:18:56,986 --> 00:18:58,225 As many as you want. 541 00:18:58,226 --> 00:18:59,547 And some shoes. 542 00:19:00,020 --> 00:19:01,427 You're angry now. 543 00:19:03,025 --> 00:19:04,481 Whatever happened with the kids, 544 00:19:04,482 --> 00:19:06,418 I don't want you to feel bad about it. 545 00:19:06,546 --> 00:19:07,699 I don't. 546 00:19:08,691 --> 00:19:12,532 I now invite the godfather and the godmother to join us. 547 00:19:12,701 --> 00:19:13,709 Don't worry. 548 00:19:13,733 --> 00:19:15,458 I will take care of everything tomorrow. 549 00:19:15,459 --> 00:19:17,731 That may not be necessary, my wife. 550 00:19:19,264 --> 00:19:21,773 Phil and Claire, as godparents, 551 00:19:21,774 --> 00:19:22,880 are you ready to help 552 00:19:22,881 --> 00:19:25,461 the parents of this child in their duties? 553 00:19:25,462 --> 00:19:26,702 - We are. - We are. 554 00:19:27,224 --> 00:19:28,976 Do you renounce Satan? 555 00:19:33,736 --> 00:19:35,632 - I do renounce him. - I do renounce him. 556 00:19:40,692 --> 00:19:42,300 And all his works? 557 00:19:47,138 --> 00:19:49,098 I do renounce them. 558 00:19:52,402 --> 00:19:55,042 Hey! Hey! 559 00:19:59,801 --> 00:20:01,865 And all his empty promises? 560 00:20:07,259 --> 00:20:08,715 Oh, my God! 561 00:20:10,036 --> 00:20:11,652 I do renounce them. 562 00:20:14,136 --> 00:20:17,160 Godfather, is it your wish that this child be baptized? 563 00:20:18,129 --> 00:20:19,273 It is. 564 00:20:34,845 --> 00:20:38,124 In the name of the father and the son and the holy spirit, 565 00:20:38,764 --> 00:20:40,685 what name have you given the child? 566 00:20:40,701 --> 00:20:43,420 Fulgencio Joseph Pritchett. 567 00:20:44,556 --> 00:20:46,491 May God be with you all. 568 00:20:47,271 --> 00:20:48,241 Thank you, Jay. 569 00:20:48,242 --> 00:20:49,786 We're never gonna call him that. 570 00:20:56,507 --> 00:20:59,843 So I heard that somebody released a bunch of rats 571 00:20:59,844 --> 00:21:01,915 into Karen Sullivan's party the other night. 572 00:21:01,916 --> 00:21:06,365 And Lee Cooper's camper just rolled into her lemon tree. 573 00:21:06,617 --> 00:21:08,194 Luke isn't having any problem at school anymore, 574 00:21:08,195 --> 00:21:10,770 because Reuben admitted he made the whole thing up. 575 00:21:11,091 --> 00:21:11,980 Isn't that crazy, 576 00:21:11,981 --> 00:21:14,381 how all our of kids' problems just disappeared? 577 00:21:15,015 --> 00:21:17,319 Don't ever ask me about my business, Claire. 578 00:21:18,197 --> 00:21:19,602 What are you talking about? 579 00:21:19,698 --> 00:21:21,382 Don't ask me about my business. 580 00:21:21,382 --> 00:21:22,382 I wasn't. 581 00:21:22,663 --> 00:21:23,783 Good. 582 00:21:24,411 --> 00:21:25,531 Don't.