1
00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:16,120
I bet we've been together for a million
years.

2
00:00:16,460 --> 00:00:21,160
And I bet we'll be together for a
million more.

3
00:00:22,620 --> 00:00:26,840
Oh, it's like I started breathing on the
night we kissed.

4
00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:32,460
And I can't remember what I ever did
before.

5
00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:37,420
What would we do, baby, without her?

6
00:00:39,530 --> 00:00:43,430
What would we do, baby, without us?

7
00:00:45,050 --> 00:00:49,510
And there ain't no nothing we can't love
each other through.

8
00:00:50,470 --> 00:00:55,170
What would we do, baby, without us?

9
00:00:56,630 --> 00:00:57,630
Shalalala.

10
00:01:01,950 --> 00:01:05,550
Uh -uh, Andy, that is the last piece of
cake. I get half of that.

11
00:01:06,250 --> 00:01:07,730
an apple, it's better for you.

12
00:01:09,630 --> 00:01:12,630
Thanks for caring, Andrew, but I think
I'll cut it in half.

13
00:01:12,970 --> 00:01:14,310
Oh, that's not half.

14
00:01:14,710 --> 00:01:15,710
It is.

15
00:01:15,770 --> 00:01:18,970
You think that because I'm small, I
can't see straight.

16
00:01:20,890 --> 00:01:24,910
Maybe we can... No! Cut it in half
easily. I'm telling Mom!

17
00:01:25,430 --> 00:01:27,630
Wait, wait, wait. This is embarrassing.

18
00:01:28,310 --> 00:01:31,390
You guys fighting over a piece of cake?
What difference does it make if one

19
00:01:31,390 --> 00:01:33,530
piece is slightly bigger than the other?
Mine.

20
00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:35,320
As long as I get it.

21
00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:39,200
Mom, Dad, I got it. I got it.

22
00:01:39,460 --> 00:01:42,740
I've been chosen to take over the
personal advice column for the Columbus

23
00:01:42,740 --> 00:01:43,740
Shopper's Guide.

24
00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:46,840
I'm going to be Dear Mallory. Oh, that's
great.

25
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:49,680
They picked me over a hundred other
applicants.

26
00:01:49,940 --> 00:01:53,580
They said my sample answers were warm,
compelling, yet practical.

27
00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:57,280
Great, Mallory. Well, maybe you can help
us over here. We're trying to decide on

28
00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:58,280
how to share this cake.

29
00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:00,660
Hey, I get a piece of that cake. No, no,
no.

30
00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:04,220
Andy, you always... Wait, wait, wait.

31
00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:06,660
You've come to me with a problem.

32
00:02:07,700 --> 00:02:10,620
You've come to be a Mallory and I won't
let you down. Sit, sit.

33
00:02:12,260 --> 00:02:13,620
Okay, okay, how's this?

34
00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:17,060
Jen, you cut the cake.

35
00:02:17,820 --> 00:02:22,060
Andy, you get to pick which piece you
want. That way Jen will cut it fair.

36
00:02:22,780 --> 00:02:23,780
That's absolutely brilliant.

37
00:02:25,380 --> 00:02:26,900
Warm, compelling, yet practical.

38
00:02:28,580 --> 00:02:30,700
You know, Stephen, maybe we could use
that approach ourselves.

39
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,460
I could cut and you could pick.

40
00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:36,380
Dear, we've done so well for the last 20
years with me cutting and picking.

41
00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:40,400
Although it's a great idea, man.

42
00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:44,340
I am a naturalist. I better get started.
Look at all these letters I have

43
00:02:44,340 --> 00:02:48,180
already. Oh, he can't actually look,
Dad. They're confidential.

44
00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:51,200
Oh, let me look.

45
00:02:53,300 --> 00:03:00,040
Well, I guess you're family and all,
so... Dear Mallory,

46
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,440
I need your advice.

47
00:03:02,170 --> 00:03:07,730
My partner doesn't satisfy me sexually,
and I was wondering... My advice is that

48
00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:08,730
you don't read that.

49
00:03:09,890 --> 00:03:11,590
Very wise, dear Mallory.

50
00:03:13,670 --> 00:03:15,390
Alex, Alex, guess what?

51
00:03:15,710 --> 00:03:16,910
I'm dear Mallory.

52
00:03:17,530 --> 00:03:18,910
Yeah, and I'm adorable Alex.

53
00:03:21,350 --> 00:03:23,390
Ha, ha. No, you don't understand.

54
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:27,630
I'm taking over the personal advice
column for the Columbus Shopper's Guide.

55
00:03:27,630 --> 00:03:31,370
column is called Dear Mallory. No, wait,
wait, wait. Columbus Shopper's Guide.

56
00:03:31,850 --> 00:03:34,590
Isn't that that freebie giveaway thing
they have at the checkout counter at the

57
00:03:34,590 --> 00:03:36,690
supermarket? The one with all the
coupons in it?

58
00:03:37,490 --> 00:03:38,490
That's right.

59
00:03:39,210 --> 00:03:43,830
What are you so excited about, Mal?
You're going to be giving advice to low

60
00:03:43,830 --> 00:03:46,950
-life bargain hunters who can't afford
to buy real paper.

61
00:03:48,070 --> 00:03:52,950
Mal, they're not low -life bargain
hunters. They're real people coming to

62
00:03:52,950 --> 00:03:55,990
advice. Mal, if these people were
willing to shell out a quarter, they

63
00:03:55,990 --> 00:03:56,990
turn to Dear Abby.

64
00:04:00,230 --> 00:04:01,230
I can help him.

65
00:04:03,350 --> 00:04:07,330
And if either one of you need help, come
to me.

66
00:04:07,770 --> 00:04:09,050
I'm going to be very busy.

67
00:04:09,670 --> 00:04:11,270
But I'll always have time for you.

68
00:04:11,830 --> 00:04:12,830
Your family.

69
00:04:16,410 --> 00:04:17,410
Cut the cake.

70
00:04:30,540 --> 00:04:31,540
Got a problem now?

71
00:04:32,220 --> 00:04:34,140
I don't have problems. I solve problems.

72
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:37,300
Hi, dear Mallory.

73
00:04:39,820 --> 00:04:41,520
Is there anything bothering you, Alan?

74
00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:45,400
Mm -hmm.

75
00:04:46,020 --> 00:04:47,020
Dear Mallory.

76
00:04:48,460 --> 00:04:50,780
Come on, Alan. Talk to me. Open up.

77
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:56,780
I sense that beneath that preppy little
exterior, there's a mass of insecurities

78
00:04:56,780 --> 00:04:58,600
and frustration waiting to pour out.

79
00:04:59,790 --> 00:05:01,450
Yeah, Mel, that's why I have this
exterior.

80
00:05:01,750 --> 00:05:02,750
To protect the rug.

81
00:05:06,250 --> 00:05:09,650
Come on, Alex, I need practice, and
everyone else in the house is so sane.

82
00:05:11,690 --> 00:05:12,690
Be your best friend.

83
00:05:13,310 --> 00:05:14,610
Oh, that always works for me.

84
00:05:17,550 --> 00:05:19,370
That's because you don't have any
friends, right?

85
00:05:21,090 --> 00:05:22,670
Mel, why don't you read me one of your
letters?

86
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:23,990
Okay.

87
00:05:28,130 --> 00:05:29,130
Dear Mallory,

88
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,240
I love the way that sounds.

89
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:37,100
I'm an extremely pretty 19 -year -old
girl with a knockout body.

90
00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:47,460
Come on.

91
00:05:47,700 --> 00:05:54,360
I have a real interest in money, and I'm
searching for a smart, cute 21 -year

92
00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:56,280
-old boy who likes money, too.

93
00:05:59,470 --> 00:06:01,110
We've got to help these people, Mel.

94
00:06:04,810 --> 00:06:07,530
But in order to help them, we need an
address.

95
00:06:10,570 --> 00:06:12,290
Hasn't anybody started dinner?

96
00:06:12,590 --> 00:06:13,850
Oh, yeah, Ma, I started it.

97
00:06:14,230 --> 00:06:15,630
Then I decided against it.

98
00:06:17,190 --> 00:06:19,430
Alex, it is your turn to start dinner
tonight.

99
00:06:19,990 --> 00:06:24,790
Ma, how can you think of eating when
there's a young woman in peril at 3214

100
00:06:24,790 --> 00:06:25,790
Douglas Drive?

101
00:06:26,410 --> 00:06:27,410
Department 3C.

102
00:06:28,110 --> 00:06:29,110
Mom,

103
00:06:29,770 --> 00:06:30,770
maybe you can help me out.

104
00:06:30,970 --> 00:06:34,750
I need practice solving people's
problems before I publish my first

105
00:06:35,190 --> 00:06:38,290
And? Well, is there anything you'd like
to talk about?

106
00:06:38,550 --> 00:06:39,830
Anything bothering you?

107
00:06:40,690 --> 00:06:41,690
Well, I'm hungry.

108
00:06:43,210 --> 00:06:44,570
Besides that, anything else?

109
00:06:44,990 --> 00:06:45,990
I'm thirsty, too.

110
00:06:48,770 --> 00:06:52,550
Dad, help me out. Any major problems in
your life you'd like to discuss?

111
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:56,340
Um, no, I got in the door just fine.

112
00:06:57,360 --> 00:06:59,340
Come on, Dan, think hard. Anything at
work?

113
00:06:59,660 --> 00:07:00,980
Nope. Physical problem?

114
00:07:01,260 --> 00:07:02,219
Nope.

115
00:07:02,220 --> 00:07:03,220
Marital problem?

116
00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:06,860
Well, sometimes your mother has...
Stephen!

117
00:07:09,980 --> 00:07:12,740
Mallory, I've been going through some of
these letters, and most of them seem

118
00:07:12,740 --> 00:07:15,860
pretty ordinary, but I think I found one
you can use in your column. Oh, great,

119
00:07:16,020 --> 00:07:17,680
great. Yeah, it's really very touching.

120
00:07:18,380 --> 00:07:19,380
Dear Mallory.

121
00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:24,920
I'm 18 and a half years old, and for the
first time in my life, I have a

122
00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:29,340
boyfriend. But last night, a friend told
me that he's seeing another girl, too.

123
00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:31,420
I can't stop crying.

124
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:32,660
What do I do?

125
00:07:33,140 --> 00:07:34,140
Signed, First Love.

126
00:07:36,740 --> 00:07:37,740
Dad,

127
00:07:40,580 --> 00:07:41,580
I sent the letter.

128
00:07:42,900 --> 00:07:43,900
I'm, uh...

129
00:07:44,010 --> 00:07:45,030
I'm fine. I'm fine.

130
00:07:46,670 --> 00:07:49,250
Great choice, Jen. I'm going to use this
for my first column.

131
00:07:49,930 --> 00:07:50,950
Her first love.

132
00:07:53,110 --> 00:07:54,110
Dad, be strong.

133
00:07:55,910 --> 00:07:59,030
Look, why don't we go in the kitchen and
get dinner started and leave the

134
00:07:59,030 --> 00:08:00,270
problem solving to them?

135
00:08:00,630 --> 00:08:02,030
I'm too upset to eat.

136
00:08:02,590 --> 00:08:04,270
Well, I'm not. Move it.

137
00:08:07,950 --> 00:08:10,590
What are you going to tell them, Mel? I
mean, I feel kind of responsible.

138
00:08:11,010 --> 00:08:12,550
I found the letter and all.

139
00:08:13,130 --> 00:08:14,730
I don't know. I don't know. Sit down.

140
00:08:15,710 --> 00:08:16,710
Something like this.

141
00:08:17,650 --> 00:08:18,730
Your first love.

142
00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:23,270
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Looks like you may have caught yourself

143
00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:24,270
shark.

144
00:08:26,950 --> 00:08:27,950
Ooh.

145
00:08:30,350 --> 00:08:31,610
So stop crying.

146
00:08:32,590 --> 00:08:36,110
First thing you've got to do is find out
if it's true. If he is seeing the other

147
00:08:36,110 --> 00:08:38,429
woman, you've got no choice. Cut him
loose.

148
00:08:39,770 --> 00:08:40,850
That's good, Mally. Yeah?

149
00:08:41,470 --> 00:08:45,970
That's good. I would add, and let him
sink into the slime.

150
00:08:49,330 --> 00:08:50,430
But that's just me.

151
00:08:53,130 --> 00:08:54,450
That's a nice touch, Alex.

152
00:08:55,670 --> 00:08:56,890
What do you think of my response?

153
00:08:57,250 --> 00:08:59,650
I liked it, but don't you think it's a
little rough?

154
00:09:00,150 --> 00:09:02,030
See, Jen, rough but fair.

155
00:09:02,330 --> 00:09:04,890
You've got to give it to these people
straight or nobody feels like they're

156
00:09:04,890 --> 00:09:05,609
getting helped.

157
00:09:05,610 --> 00:09:09,110
I mean, how would you feel? I don't
know. I haven't had my first love yet.

158
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:12,400
But when you do, you'll come to me for
advice, right?

159
00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:16,760
For sure.

160
00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:22,820
The new issue of the Shopper's Guide
now.

161
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:29,840
Right here, Mal. It's right here, right
between the weekend grease monkey and

162
00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:31,040
Cora's cut rate corner.

163
00:09:32,060 --> 00:09:34,740
Hey, you know that weekend grease
monkey's a hell of a column.

164
00:09:35,860 --> 00:09:38,320
No need to tell us, Nick. It's our
favorite, too.

165
00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:40,780
There's our picture.

166
00:09:40,860 --> 00:09:42,780
Yeah, right between Cora and the monkey.

167
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,000
Let me read it here.

168
00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:49,840
Dear First Love, there are plenty of
fish in the sea, and it looks like that

169
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,240
may have caught a shark.

170
00:09:55,180 --> 00:09:56,200
Well, what's this here?

171
00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:01,220
That's your address and that's your
phone number, Miss Keaton.

172
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:04,880
You should really know that in case you
get lost or something.

173
00:10:10,780 --> 00:10:15,200
Mom, I put it in there. If any of my
readers had questions, if anything

174
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:17,280
unclear, they could call or write me
directly here.

175
00:10:17,980 --> 00:10:19,840
Well, that's something dear Abby's never
done.

176
00:10:23,670 --> 00:10:26,950
I'm simply not into a cold, aloof
approach to advice giving.

177
00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:28,270
I'm warm and accessible.

178
00:10:28,550 --> 00:10:30,350
People need me, and I'm here for them.

179
00:10:30,790 --> 00:10:34,450
Yeah, yeah. I can vouch for that. She's
warm and accessible.

180
00:10:35,250 --> 00:10:36,790
What? Please.

181
00:10:42,210 --> 00:10:44,970
Please, Nick. It's bad enough our phone
number's in the paper.

182
00:10:47,290 --> 00:10:51,590
Look, what is to stop people from coming
up to our house and knocking on the

183
00:10:51,590 --> 00:10:52,590
door?

184
00:10:53,099 --> 00:10:54,400
Very little, it seems.

185
00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:58,100
Yeah. Are you Dear Mallory?

186
00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:01,780
Well, I know what your problem is, pal.
It's like gender confusion.

187
00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:05,020
Well, that is on the list.

188
00:11:06,220 --> 00:11:07,620
That's Dear Mallory right there.

189
00:11:07,860 --> 00:11:08,880
I'm Buffaloed Bill.

190
00:11:09,300 --> 00:11:10,300
Buffalo Bill.

191
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:13,720
Buffaloed Bill.

192
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:17,020
Oh, okay. My wife, she orders me around
all the time.

193
00:11:17,690 --> 00:11:21,990
Well, these are my parents, Stephen and
Elise Keaton. Mr. Keaton? Mrs. Keaton?

194
00:11:22,570 --> 00:11:23,570
Buffaloed.

195
00:11:25,570 --> 00:11:26,570
Hello?

196
00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:29,110
Dear Mallory, it's for you.

197
00:11:30,410 --> 00:11:31,410
Hello?

198
00:11:32,390 --> 00:11:35,310
Yes? Dear Mallory? Can we go in?

199
00:11:35,970 --> 00:11:39,450
Oh, Mallory, my pleasure. You've got to
help me.

200
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:47,220
Boy, how people that say economics
majors are dull is beyond me. Tonight,

201
00:11:47,220 --> 00:11:48,680
watched reruns of the McNeil -Lara
report.

202
00:11:50,140 --> 00:11:52,380
Then, we started quoting from Adam
Smith.

203
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:54,600
At random.

204
00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:59,300
And we finished up the night by dancing
on the table and shouting out

205
00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:00,300
commodities prices.

206
00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,600
I'm surprised the cops didn't bust in on
you.

207
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:06,680
How many times do I have to throw this
thing out?

208
00:12:11,180 --> 00:12:12,180
Hello?

209
00:12:12,650 --> 00:12:13,650
Yes, this is she.

210
00:12:15,510 --> 00:12:17,430
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

211
00:12:17,790 --> 00:12:18,830
No, talk to her.

212
00:12:19,830 --> 00:12:20,830
Yeah.

213
00:12:21,210 --> 00:12:23,610
Well, she's your mother, and she
deserves that respect.

214
00:12:25,910 --> 00:12:26,910
Uh -huh.

215
00:12:27,850 --> 00:12:29,870
Remember, we're always here for you.
Bye.

216
00:12:31,530 --> 00:12:32,850
Very good advice, by the way.

217
00:12:34,410 --> 00:12:35,450
It's instinctive, Mom.

218
00:12:36,070 --> 00:12:37,070
Flows right out of me.

219
00:12:38,570 --> 00:12:39,930
It's like there's this little voice.

220
00:12:40,470 --> 00:12:44,130
inside my brain saying... Boy, you can
see for miles in here.

221
00:12:52,090 --> 00:12:52,570
I

222
00:12:52,570 --> 00:12:59,410
got

223
00:12:59,410 --> 00:13:02,650
it. Hey, Mal, Mal, this is getting a
little out of hand.

224
00:13:03,050 --> 00:13:04,870
You're giving marital advice now?

225
00:13:05,330 --> 00:13:07,270
Oh, Mom, the column's been expanding.

226
00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:10,160
Oh, I'm giving marriage advice, legal
advice.

227
00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:12,320
I'm doing surgery through the mail.

228
00:13:14,980 --> 00:13:19,040
Well, telephone for you. It's someone
calling himself Fed Up Freddy.

229
00:13:19,740 --> 00:13:22,660
I told him it's a little late to be
calling, but he says he really needs to

230
00:13:22,660 --> 00:13:23,599
speak to you.

231
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:25,340
Oh, is he annoying.

232
00:13:26,380 --> 00:13:29,780
Well, tell him it is too late to call,
but he can come to the open house

233
00:13:29,780 --> 00:13:30,780
tomorrow. Great.

234
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:32,560
What?

235
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:33,780
What open house?

236
00:13:34,700 --> 00:13:39,200
Well, I figured it'd be a good idea to
have an open house one night a week.

237
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:40,640
way I can deal with them one -on -one.

238
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:44,800
Listen,

239
00:13:44,940 --> 00:13:47,700
Freddie, she can't come to the phone
right now.

240
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,580
But there's an open house tomorrow.

241
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:52,500
Don't start with me, Freddie.

242
00:13:54,260 --> 00:13:56,560
Yeah, well, I'm fed up with you, too.

243
00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:01,300
Mallory, I...

244
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:04,720
I honestly don't know how you handle
these people. I find it completely

245
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:10,320
exasperating. Dear disturbed dad, if you
let the little things in life bother

246
00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:14,360
you, you lose sight of what you really
have, how much you mean to your family.

247
00:14:20,140 --> 00:14:21,140
She's good.

248
00:14:23,740 --> 00:14:25,440
She's very good. I feel better.

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00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:41,720
It's really going well, Alex. So many
people showed up, and I think we really

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00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,880
helped a lot of them. Yeah, well, I've
kept my area tidy.

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00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:49,640
Well, it's only about 15 more minutes.
Maybe we should start moving people

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00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:50,639
toward the door.

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00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,780
All right, Mom. I'll get out the big
net.

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00:14:56,970 --> 00:14:58,430
Well, enjoy yourself tonight, Skipper.

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00:14:58,890 --> 00:15:03,030
Actually, I'm a little overwhelmed, Mr.
Keaton. See, I couldn't really decide

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00:15:03,030 --> 00:15:04,630
what problem of mine to focus on.

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00:15:05,570 --> 00:15:09,050
So, well, I've been kind of hanging
around the generally nuts area most of

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00:15:09,050 --> 00:15:10,050
night.

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00:15:10,590 --> 00:15:12,110
You can't go wrong there, Skip.

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00:15:15,850 --> 00:15:19,370
Hi. Hello, I'm Andrea Neff. Are you dear
Mallory?

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00:15:19,590 --> 00:15:22,170
Yes, but our open house is almost over.
Great.

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00:15:22,780 --> 00:15:26,520
I can't even time my problems right. I
was hoping to have my crisis earlier

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00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:29,840
usual, but wouldn't you know it, tonight
I get off to a late start. My kitchen

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00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:30,840
blew up.

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00:15:32,820 --> 00:15:34,000
Excuse me, miss.

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00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:37,200
Why don't you just have a seat right by
this sign?

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00:15:38,740 --> 00:15:40,080
Someone will be around to help you soon.

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00:15:43,500 --> 00:15:46,260
What seems to be your problem, Andrea?

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00:15:46,540 --> 00:15:49,720
Well, you don't know me as Andrea. You
know me as First Love.

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00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:52,400
Yes!

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00:15:54,990 --> 00:16:01,050
go did you talk to your boyfriend yes um
i you know could you move this i

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00:16:01,050 --> 00:16:08,050
i talked to him and did you confront him
like i said were you firm with him tell

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00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:11,350
me everything well i i did just what you
said i i looked him right in the eye

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00:16:11,350 --> 00:16:15,750
and i said billy are you seeing another
woman and he said no i'm not but i hate

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00:16:15,750 --> 00:16:20,810
being accused by you and i never want to
see you again oh that's not good

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00:16:26,090 --> 00:16:28,490
I didn't think so either, but I wanted a
professional opinion.

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00:16:30,170 --> 00:16:31,190
Well, I'm sorry.

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00:16:32,050 --> 00:16:33,110
Aren't you going to fix it?

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00:16:34,030 --> 00:16:36,410
Um, I don't think I can.

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00:16:36,790 --> 00:16:39,390
If I'd have come earlier, could you have
fixed it?

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00:16:42,230 --> 00:16:46,450
Look, maybe you're better off this way.
I mean, maybe he wasn't the right guy

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00:16:46,450 --> 00:16:50,130
for you. If he's so willing to leave you
just because you asked him a question.

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00:16:50,130 --> 00:16:53,590
Oh, no, no, he doesn't mind questions.
It was just that one that really bugged

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00:16:53,590 --> 00:16:54,590
him.

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00:16:55,670 --> 00:16:59,090
Maybe you need to find another guy. You
know, there are plenty of them out

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00:16:59,090 --> 00:17:00,350
there. Oh, for you?

287
00:17:00,970 --> 00:17:02,470
Look at you. You're gorgeous.

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00:17:02,930 --> 00:17:07,869
It's easy for you to say cut him loose,
but not for me. I mean, look at you. And

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00:17:07,869 --> 00:17:11,109
look at me. I'm not in a position to
make a stand like that.

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00:17:11,329 --> 00:17:12,770
How could you give me that advice?

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00:17:13,369 --> 00:17:17,589
It was the best advice I had to give. I
just tried... I'm Mallory's mother, and

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00:17:17,589 --> 00:17:20,970
she was trying to help you, believe me.
Well, what do you know?

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00:17:21,329 --> 00:17:22,530
You're gorgeous, too.

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00:17:32,959 --> 00:17:35,800
Do you have any idea what it's like
being me?

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00:17:36,420 --> 00:17:37,460
Well, I might.

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00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:46,060
Do you know what it's like sitting by
the phone, praying for it to ring?

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00:17:46,380 --> 00:17:47,380
Yes.

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00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:51,180
Do you know how it feels to have a blind
date show up at your door and say, I'm

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00:17:51,180 --> 00:17:53,880
sorry, there must be some mistake and he
runs off? Yes.

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00:17:55,880 --> 00:18:02,200
like to go to the prom as a as a hat set
girl yes you

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00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:09,180
know i'm gonna kill this person i i
don't know what to say i i'm i

302
00:18:09,180 --> 00:18:14,320
know this this is terrible i know i i
should have written to dear abby i oh

303
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:18,720
that's the last time i tried to save a
quarter wait um do you want to sit down

304
00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:20,800
we could talk about it no no i'm fine

305
00:18:23,530 --> 00:18:27,690
He was the only boyfriend I'll ever
have, and now my life's a wreck.

306
00:18:29,590 --> 00:18:30,930
I'm sorry to bother you.

307
00:18:32,930 --> 00:18:33,950
Wait, Andrea!

308
00:18:34,510 --> 00:18:37,830
I never heard so many problems. Saw so
many tears.

309
00:18:38,610 --> 00:18:41,770
I can't believe how many times I said,
would you like a Kleenex?

310
00:18:44,430 --> 00:18:45,810
Hi. Hi.

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00:18:46,050 --> 00:18:47,050
Are you all right?

312
00:18:47,390 --> 00:18:48,390
Yeah, I'm fine.

313
00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:51,590
Would you like a Kleenex?

314
00:18:53,350 --> 00:18:54,350
to catch up with her?

315
00:18:54,610 --> 00:18:58,870
Finally. I tell you, this girl had some
problems. Speed was not one of them.

316
00:19:00,450 --> 00:19:01,650
Well, what did you say to her?

317
00:19:02,730 --> 00:19:06,770
Mom, I mean, there was really nothing to
say. You know, I apologized.

318
00:19:07,470 --> 00:19:08,470
What more could I do?

319
00:19:09,270 --> 00:19:11,310
I can't believe the way this turned out.

320
00:19:11,550 --> 00:19:14,570
All I wanted was for her to be happy,
for them all to be happy.

321
00:19:14,890 --> 00:19:16,870
That's so much like you, honey. It
really is.

322
00:19:17,470 --> 00:19:18,990
I was really foolish, Mom.

323
00:19:19,340 --> 00:19:23,120
I was really in love with the idea that
I could help these people, that they'd

324
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,640
turn to me for help, you know?

325
00:19:25,380 --> 00:19:26,840
I got carried away.

326
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:32,040
Well, you did get carried away, but you
don't want to stifle that noble impulse.

327
00:19:32,260 --> 00:19:34,120
It's such a beautiful quality, honey.

328
00:19:34,820 --> 00:19:36,480
Mom, I mean, look at these letters.

329
00:19:37,580 --> 00:19:40,160
Make you believe the subjects I was
trying to give advice on?

330
00:19:41,140 --> 00:19:42,220
Marriage, aging.

331
00:19:43,420 --> 00:19:44,420
Agriculture?

332
00:19:45,820 --> 00:19:49,980
You know, even as a very little girl,
you were always like that, Mel.

333
00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:55,460
So sweet and caring, always so sensitive
to other people's feelings.

334
00:19:55,720 --> 00:20:00,020
I remember one time you came home all
upset and teary -eyed. You couldn't have

335
00:20:00,020 --> 00:20:05,520
been more than five, five and a half.
You said, Dad, Skippy's hamsters are

336
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:07,180
biting each other. Oh, Dad.

337
00:20:08,100 --> 00:20:12,400
And the lady hamster's biting the man
more than the man's biting the lady.

338
00:20:13,070 --> 00:20:18,250
And I said, well, maybe that's what
hamsters do. You said, how could that

339
00:20:18,890 --> 00:20:21,070
They're supposed to love each other.

340
00:20:21,310 --> 00:20:24,310
I have to have a talk with that lady
hamster.

341
00:20:24,930 --> 00:20:28,550
And the next day you went and talked to
the lady hamster, and you came back home

342
00:20:28,550 --> 00:20:34,230
and said, Dad, they stopped biting each
other. I said, good for you, Mallory.

343
00:20:34,350 --> 00:20:37,170
You said, yeah, now they're biting
Skippy.

344
00:20:39,830 --> 00:20:41,010
I love a happy ending.

345
00:20:41,710 --> 00:20:45,470
If I'd remembered that story, I might
have stayed out of the love horn

346
00:20:46,070 --> 00:20:47,270
Well, don't be so hard on yourself.

347
00:20:47,690 --> 00:20:51,210
You made some mistakes, but you gave
some good advice. Look, where?

348
00:20:52,690 --> 00:20:57,230
Dear Mallory, my friends have moved. My
relatives don't talk to me. My husband

349
00:20:57,230 --> 00:20:59,570
left me. What should I do? Signed,
desperately lonely.

350
00:21:00,330 --> 00:21:05,610
But did dear Mallory reply? Here, dear
lonely, do yourself a favor. Stop your

351
00:21:05,610 --> 00:21:07,070
whining and learn how to spell
desperately.

352
00:21:08,980 --> 00:21:10,400
I never wrote that.

353
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:23,600
Well, you were so busy.

354
00:21:42,380 --> 00:21:47,560
Up next on TV Land, a very special
episode of Family Ties. In part because,

355
00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:49,040
us, they're all very special.

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00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:53,780
But this one, well, it's just special
among specials. Really, so stay tuned.