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00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:06,340
Due to the continuing flu epidemic, the
following teachers will be out today and

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00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:07,340
their class is canceled.

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00:00:07,820 --> 00:00:09,160
Oh, Kate, you read them. I'm too
nervous.

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00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:11,840
Professor Paul's chem and bio labs?

5
00:00:12,060 --> 00:00:13,300
I knew I should have taken chemistry.

6
00:00:14,140 --> 00:00:15,660
Miss Grissom's English seminar?

7
00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:17,560
Is our beloved Professor Thorne up
there?

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00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:20,160
Yes. Oh, yes! All right, no drama!

9
00:00:20,860 --> 00:00:22,960
Let's hope it's not just one of those 24
-hour gigs.

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00:00:24,220 --> 00:00:26,640
Mike, this is a person we're talking
about, a human being.

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00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,500
He's not a human being. He's a teacher.

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00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:34,400
Oh, Mike, here's a good idea to keep you
busy. Due to the flu epidemic,

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00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:37,200
substitute high school teachers needed
this week throughout Long Island.

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00:00:37,740 --> 00:00:38,719
Go on.

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00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:40,260
Well, that's it. You can substitute
teach.

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00:00:41,420 --> 00:00:42,660
You should be in bed young.

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00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:44,720
Mike, I'm serious.

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00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:47,520
Well, give me one good reason why I
should teach.

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00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:49,520
Pay us $50 a day.

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00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:50,880
Ooh, that's one.

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00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:54,120
Substitutes will administer prepared
lessons in subjects that include

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00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:55,800
mathematics, history, drama.

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00:00:56,340 --> 00:00:59,200
Drama? Oh, well, I could, uh...

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00:00:59,630 --> 00:01:00,630
Oh, but Kate, me?

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00:01:00,950 --> 00:01:03,310
Teach? I mean, come on, I'm the anti
-teacher.

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00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:06,890
Well, it wouldn't be a bad idea down the
road to have another skill to fall back

27
00:01:06,890 --> 00:01:09,870
on. Kate, I want to be an actor. I don't
need a skill.

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00:02:19,050 --> 00:02:20,050
Call the paramedics.

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00:02:20,630 --> 00:02:22,330
Think you can finally keep some food
down?

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00:02:22,770 --> 00:02:23,770
Oh, what are you making?

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00:02:24,470 --> 00:02:25,369
Pea soup?

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00:02:25,370 --> 00:02:29,490
Oh, hi, Mom.

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00:02:29,710 --> 00:02:30,710
How you doing?

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00:02:31,930 --> 00:02:32,930
Maggie.

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00:02:33,750 --> 00:02:37,490
Well, Carol's got that bug that's going
around, but the rest of us are fine. I

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00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:39,730
just wanted to tell you we're about to
send you another videotape of Chrissy.

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00:02:41,050 --> 00:02:41,948
No, Mom.

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00:02:41,950 --> 00:02:43,590
It'll be shorter than the last one.

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00:02:44,250 --> 00:02:45,710
I thought you liked it.

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00:02:49,750 --> 00:02:55,930
videotape dad chrissy's talking now just
listen now chrissy say hello to your

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00:02:55,930 --> 00:02:59,450
grandparents no

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00:02:59,450 --> 00:03:08,410
daddy

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00:03:08,410 --> 00:03:13,850
uh jason didn't train her to say that to
you well you're darn tootin i'm gonna

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00:03:13,850 --> 00:03:15,870
find out who taught her to say that sure

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00:03:20,829 --> 00:03:21,829
Benjamin Seaver.

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00:03:21,830 --> 00:03:23,490
Relax, Mom. I got it all on tape.

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00:03:25,090 --> 00:03:26,910
Have you been using that word around,
Chrissy?

48
00:03:27,150 --> 00:03:29,370
Uh, well... Hey, everybody.

49
00:03:29,910 --> 00:03:32,450
Dad, well, gosh darn it. Heck, anyway,
how are ya?

50
00:03:34,010 --> 00:03:35,410
Ben, what did you do?

51
00:03:36,390 --> 00:03:37,610
Not me. It's her.

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00:03:38,050 --> 00:03:39,490
Chrissy learned a new word.

53
00:03:39,850 --> 00:03:41,390
Oh, a new word!

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00:03:41,850 --> 00:03:43,490
Oh, Chrissy!

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00:03:43,810 --> 00:03:49,110
Yes, but, uh... Give me the camera. Give
me the camera. She finally said that.

56
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:05,600
Did she just say... Yeah, she did.

57
00:04:07,140 --> 00:04:08,140
Didn't she, Ben?

58
00:04:09,060 --> 00:04:12,420
Dad, Mom has this crazy idea that I had
something to do with this.

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00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:15,100
Uh -huh. Hey, I'm innocent, I swear.

60
00:04:16,260 --> 00:04:17,380
No, I don't.

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00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:22,140
Well, somebody's taught her bad
language, and whoever the hell...

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00:04:25,900 --> 00:04:28,500
My gosh darn it, how are you?

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00:04:29,460 --> 00:04:32,380
This is the best day of the whole
semester. My entire year...

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00:04:35,790 --> 00:04:36,790
All my teachers were sick.

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00:04:38,790 --> 00:04:39,790
Whoa, Carol.

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00:04:39,990 --> 00:04:40,990
Hot date tonight?

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00:04:42,030 --> 00:04:44,650
Well, Mike, I took a phone message for
you. Oh, good. Where is it?

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00:04:44,850 --> 00:04:45,850
I tore it up.

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00:04:46,030 --> 00:04:48,150
Why? Because I always do that.

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00:04:48,930 --> 00:04:51,710
But this one I'll tell you about. You're
expected to report to Principal

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00:04:51,710 --> 00:04:53,950
DeWitt's office at Dewey High tomorrow
morning.

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00:04:54,770 --> 00:04:55,770
What?

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00:04:56,270 --> 00:04:59,450
Well, why would they want you back at
your old high school? Well, the only

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00:04:59,450 --> 00:05:01,430
that makes sense to me is that they
rechecked your grades.

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00:05:03,110 --> 00:05:05,050
Why does everybody assume the worst
here?

76
00:05:05,450 --> 00:05:07,090
Because it's you we're talking about,
Mike.

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00:05:07,890 --> 00:05:10,550
As a matter of fact, I am going there
tomorrow to teach.

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00:05:14,550 --> 00:05:17,950
No, no, look, Daddy, with this flu thing
going around, the school system needs

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00:05:17,950 --> 00:05:18,990
some substitute teachers.

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00:05:19,550 --> 00:05:21,090
And they didn't call me?

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00:05:21,910 --> 00:05:24,610
Well, they probably did, Carol, but your
head was in the toilet at the time.

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00:05:26,290 --> 00:05:29,690
Mike, you really want to go back to
Dewey and face the man who set off

83
00:05:29,690 --> 00:05:30,910
the day you graduated?

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00:05:31,590 --> 00:05:34,110
I didn't know it was going to be Dewey
when I signed up, Dad.

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00:05:34,830 --> 00:05:38,450
But, oh, man, Mr. DeWitt is going to go
nuts when he sees me. I bet you I know

86
00:05:38,450 --> 00:05:39,670
exactly what he's going to say.

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00:05:43,370 --> 00:05:44,850
Well, that's what he'll be thinking.

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00:05:49,990 --> 00:05:51,630
All right, people.

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00:05:52,470 --> 00:05:55,330
Does anyone here have any experience
with English?

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00:05:55,610 --> 00:05:56,890
See, you all believe this.

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00:05:59,090 --> 00:06:02,970
Why couldn't I get the flu? And not just
one of those 24 -hour deals.

92
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:06,280
We still need someone to cover Mr.

93
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:09,080
Hessman's very special ed classes.

94
00:06:09,500 --> 00:06:10,760
Right, the thugs.

95
00:06:11,660 --> 00:06:13,340
Do any of you know martial arts?

96
00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:14,560
I know martial shorts.

97
00:06:15,020 --> 00:06:19,780
Excuse me, I'm Mr. DeWitt. Coach Lovett
said to report to you for detention.

98
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:22,020
Not now, Seaver. I'm busy with the
substitute.

99
00:06:25,660 --> 00:06:26,660
I'm back.

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00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,520
Seaver, what are you doing here?

101
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:30,920
Well, I came back to teach.

102
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:32,520
We're colleagues now.

103
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:33,760
Get away!

104
00:06:33,780 --> 00:06:34,780
Get away!

105
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:36,800
Estelle, do something for a change.

106
00:06:37,620 --> 00:06:38,660
Welcome back, Michael!

107
00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:40,700
Not that.

108
00:06:41,380 --> 00:06:45,420
What makes you think I would turn over a
class to a thug like you? Mr. Seaver,

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00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:48,540
if someone is going to teach at this
school, they have got to be qualified.

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00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:50,680
Oh, so this is a new policy, then?

111
00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:53,159
Get out.

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00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:55,640
Okay, okay, fine. At least I showed up,
so I get my money.

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00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:56,980
From my own pocket.

114
00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:58,640
Hey, this is even easier than teaching.

115
00:06:59,780 --> 00:07:00,780
Pardon me?

116
00:07:00,820 --> 00:07:02,500
He said... I know what he said.

117
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,640
You think teaching is easy?

118
00:07:06,380 --> 00:07:09,200
Well, yeah. You know, I mean, you just
get up in front of a bunch of kids and

119
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:11,380
you, you know... Teach.

120
00:07:11,740 --> 00:07:14,100
Right. And that's easy?

121
00:07:14,660 --> 00:07:17,620
Well, not quite as easy as this. $5 .50,
please.

122
00:07:21,060 --> 00:07:22,060
Mr. DeWitt?

123
00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:25,820
Come to think of it, Seaver, I could use
somebody like you today.

124
00:07:26,540 --> 00:07:27,740
Oh, so you want me to speak around?

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00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:29,160
Oh, yes.

126
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,060
Estelle, why don't we give our old
friend Mr.

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00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,900
Thiever, uh, oh, Mr.

128
00:07:36,340 --> 00:07:38,120
Hessman's very special students.

129
00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:42,160
You want to send me a man alone and
unarmed?

130
00:07:42,380 --> 00:07:43,380
Uh -huh.

131
00:07:43,660 --> 00:07:44,880
Well, what am I going to teach?

132
00:07:45,540 --> 00:07:47,500
Russian. But I don't speak Russian.

133
00:07:47,780 --> 00:07:51,120
Neither does anyone in the class. That's
why they're taking it. Snap out of it.

134
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:57,300
Uh, the rest of you, uh... Uh, heck, I
don't know. Teach each other. I don't

135
00:07:57,300 --> 00:07:58,300
care.

136
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:02,900
So, uh, this Hessman guy must be new. I
mean, what does he teach?

137
00:08:03,540 --> 00:08:04,540
Criminals, mostly.

138
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:11,080
What's your bet?

139
00:08:11,580 --> 00:08:12,660
Is this Mr.

140
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:14,040
Hessman's... Mike?

141
00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:16,160
Scuzz? Mike! Hey!

142
00:08:16,380 --> 00:08:19,740
How you doing, you old scuzzmeister?
Well, six years of doing and still going

143
00:08:19,740 --> 00:08:20,740
strong.

144
00:08:21,740 --> 00:08:24,260
This year, I might make it. Yeah,
graduation?

145
00:08:24,890 --> 00:08:25,890
No, sophomore.

146
00:08:27,010 --> 00:08:30,690
Hey, guys, this is Mike Seaver. We was
in freshman English together.

147
00:08:30,930 --> 00:08:32,870
Yeah, we sure was. Twice. Whoa, whoa.

148
00:08:35,150 --> 00:08:36,190
This Mike Seaver?

149
00:08:36,789 --> 00:08:37,950
Dewey class of 88?

150
00:08:38,230 --> 00:08:39,230
Yeah, that's me.

151
00:08:40,409 --> 00:08:44,670
I've heard stories about you, man. Hey,
my big brother was in stall number one

152
00:08:44,670 --> 00:08:47,410
the day you and Boner got all the
toilets in the whole school to back up

153
00:08:47,410 --> 00:08:48,410
once.

154
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:52,690
Well, maybe not all at once. Hey, you've
been my role model, man. Hey, thanks.

155
00:08:52,930 --> 00:08:55,270
Is it true they graduated you just to
get rid of you?

156
00:08:55,570 --> 00:08:56,570
Where'd you hear that?

157
00:08:56,910 --> 00:08:58,110
You're a legend here, man.

158
00:08:59,470 --> 00:09:00,610
Now he's our teacher.

159
00:09:00,910 --> 00:09:01,910
All right!

160
00:09:02,530 --> 00:09:06,850
I don't think I ever had a cool teacher
before. Oh, you gotta tell us about the

161
00:09:06,850 --> 00:09:09,090
time that you snuck the camera into the
girls' locker room.

162
00:09:10,570 --> 00:09:11,570
Which time?

163
00:09:13,430 --> 00:09:14,990
Tell us about the time you killed Mr.

164
00:09:15,430 --> 00:09:16,430
Booginsuit.

165
00:09:19,980 --> 00:09:22,140
out of proportion. Oh, get out of here,
Mike!

166
00:09:22,780 --> 00:09:25,620
Hey, look, guys, there's plenty of time
for fun stories, right? But first, we've

167
00:09:25,620 --> 00:09:26,980
got to get this quiz out of the way.
Huh?

168
00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:30,100
Hey, look, guys, come on, this was not
my idea.

169
00:09:30,340 --> 00:09:33,020
All right, here, just pass these things
out. Look, if you need help sharpening

170
00:09:33,020 --> 00:09:37,580
your pencils, then, uh... Good one,
guys.

171
00:09:38,020 --> 00:09:39,180
Hey, where's the quizzes?

172
00:09:50,510 --> 00:09:51,510
Mr. DeWitt? Hey.

173
00:09:53,230 --> 00:09:54,450
Problems already, Mr. Seaver?

174
00:09:54,790 --> 00:09:55,689
Uh, no.

175
00:09:55,690 --> 00:09:58,110
No, not at all, sir. You got them to
take the quiz?

176
00:09:58,930 --> 00:10:01,370
Well, let's just say I lit a fire under
them.

177
00:10:02,810 --> 00:10:03,810
Good.

178
00:10:30,790 --> 00:10:33,750
We'll play one round of poker, and then
we're going to take the test.

179
00:10:34,650 --> 00:10:36,990
Great. Hey, thanks. I appreciate this.

180
00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:38,770
You deal.

181
00:10:41,730 --> 00:10:46,150
Great game, Mikey.

182
00:10:47,970 --> 00:10:50,650
Thanks. Man, I feel like I'm being
punished for something.

183
00:10:51,010 --> 00:10:52,010
You are.

184
00:10:53,610 --> 00:10:54,610
You are.

185
00:10:54,750 --> 00:10:57,870
You're being punished for all those
years of hell you put me through.

186
00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:01,500
You're being punished for all my former
colleagues who've been driven out of

187
00:11:01,500 --> 00:11:02,760
this noble profession.

188
00:11:02,980 --> 00:11:06,740
Do you remember Mr. Wetzler, the best
damn math teacher I ever had?

189
00:11:06,940 --> 00:11:08,960
He's a game show host now.

190
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:11,500
Mr. DeWitt?

191
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:13,260
Oh, wait a second.

192
00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:15,340
Mike, I'm making you feel bad.

193
00:11:15,940 --> 00:11:16,940
Well, yeah.

194
00:11:17,060 --> 00:11:19,260
Oh, and after none of those kids in
there would listen to you.

195
00:11:19,540 --> 00:11:22,740
Uh -huh, I mean, it's... And you were
being honest with them. I was.

196
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:26,840
And they didn't have the decency to let
you stand up there and get your easy

197
00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:27,840
money teaching.

198
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:28,880
Yeah.

199
00:11:29,100 --> 00:11:30,160
You little twerp.

200
00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:34,020
I haven't been this satisfied since my
honeymoon.

201
00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:37,920
Well, come on. Give me a break, Mr.
DeWitt. This is my first class.

202
00:11:38,220 --> 00:11:39,520
Oh, what? You think it's going to get
easier?

203
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:41,300
That was an 8 a .m. class.

204
00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:43,740
The tough guys don't even get up till
noon.

205
00:11:44,460 --> 00:11:47,920
Well, I'm just winking at myself, all
right? And I'm just barely breaking my

206
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:48,920
second wind.

207
00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:50,640
You know what I mean.

208
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:54,840
You're not going to make it through the
day. You'll crack, Seaver. You'll crack.

209
00:11:55,060 --> 00:11:57,000
And I'm going to be here to stomp on the
pieces.

210
00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:58,459
Oh, yeah?

211
00:11:58,460 --> 00:11:59,460
Yeah.

212
00:12:01,700 --> 00:12:02,699
Round two.

213
00:12:02,700 --> 00:12:03,920
Go get them.

214
00:12:30,220 --> 00:12:33,540
We want to get you a little something.
It's not an apple, but we figured it's

215
00:12:33,540 --> 00:12:34,620
something you could use.

216
00:12:42,020 --> 00:12:43,020
Okay,

217
00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:49,620
Chrissy, this is a dictionary.

218
00:12:49,940 --> 00:12:51,260
And it's filled with words.

219
00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:52,760
Wonderful words.

220
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,080
Clean words.

221
00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:56,380
Mom, where's the mop?

222
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,300
Oh, I'm airing it out from the last
time.

223
00:12:58,540 --> 00:13:00,070
Well, it's the next time. Time again?

224
00:13:00,810 --> 00:13:01,810
I'll get it.

225
00:13:01,930 --> 00:13:05,550
Well, the beauty of this book, Chrissy,
is that you can say any word in it and

226
00:13:05,550 --> 00:13:06,770
you won't make Mommy mad.

227
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,470
Mom, what are you doing?

228
00:13:08,710 --> 00:13:10,870
Oh, I'm teaching Chrissy the beauty of
the English language.

229
00:13:11,530 --> 00:13:14,510
Okay, Chrissy, pick any page here you
want.

230
00:13:15,490 --> 00:13:16,490
Chrissy?

231
00:13:16,850 --> 00:13:17,850
What page?

232
00:13:19,150 --> 00:13:20,610
Okay, that's good.

233
00:13:20,830 --> 00:13:23,250
Now, point to any word here at all.

234
00:13:28,490 --> 00:13:33,670
Very good. Now, that word is... How did
that word get in the dictionary?

235
00:13:35,450 --> 00:13:37,390
I didn't know that word until I was 21.

236
00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:40,410
I didn't know I had one until last
Saturday.

237
00:13:42,190 --> 00:13:44,270
Chrissy, let's pick another word, okay?

238
00:13:48,170 --> 00:13:49,170
Mom!

239
00:13:49,430 --> 00:13:52,970
It's important to show that we're not
upset or she'll keep using this word all

240
00:13:52,970 --> 00:13:53,869
the time.

241
00:13:53,870 --> 00:13:55,410
Chrissy, another word.

242
00:14:02,700 --> 00:14:04,160
This is Mr. Hesterman's health class.

243
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:06,040
Where's everybody else?

244
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:10,760
Yes? The big kids are sick.

245
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:13,520
Well,

246
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:14,920
this shouldn't be so tough.

247
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:18,160
Well, hey, as long as we're here, why
don't we go ahead and take this test,

248
00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:19,160
right?

249
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:24,340
Hey, where are you going?

250
00:14:25,540 --> 00:14:26,540
Me?

251
00:14:27,580 --> 00:14:28,580
Yeah.

252
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:29,960
To have this removed.

253
00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:45,560
Mr. Bogich.

254
00:14:46,940 --> 00:14:49,820
Hey, look, look, you know I didn't kill
you. You just moved in New Jersey to

255
00:14:49,820 --> 00:14:50,820
sell insurance.

256
00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:52,020
Did I?

257
00:14:52,180 --> 00:14:53,180
Mr. DeWitt, is that you?

258
00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:54,940
Ah, you got me, Steve. Hey,

259
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:57,800
look, have you been listening in on my
classes?

260
00:14:58,060 --> 00:14:59,740
And taping them for the drive home.

261
00:15:02,380 --> 00:15:06,020
I'll tell you what, Mr. Stever. You give
up now and come to my office. I'll give

262
00:15:06,020 --> 00:15:07,420
you the 50 bucks and you can go home.

263
00:15:08,020 --> 00:15:09,020
No.

264
00:15:09,140 --> 00:15:10,140
Okay, 100.

265
00:15:10,460 --> 00:15:11,460
No.

266
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:17,000
Mr. Stever. Don't play coy with me. I
know you're considering it. And don't

267
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:18,600
that obscene gesture to me.

268
00:15:21,620 --> 00:15:26,940
All right, guys, we're going to take
this test and then... Oh, hi, ladies.

269
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:45,480
through this. Come on, you never let
DeWitt beat you. You can't start today.

270
00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:47,500
Yes, you can, Mr. Seaver.

271
00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:52,000
Mr. DeWitt, what are you doing in my
head? Mr. Seaver, I'm everywhere.

272
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:59,320
You're not in this class.

273
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,400
When I heard you was teaching it, I
decided to audit it.

274
00:16:03,300 --> 00:16:07,980
Yeah, me too. And then the word started
spreading. This was the place to be in.

275
00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:15,540
I liberated this from the A .V. room. I
figured we could check out this

276
00:16:15,540 --> 00:16:16,540
documentary.

277
00:16:17,620 --> 00:16:18,620
Cowgirls in Spain?

278
00:16:21,180 --> 00:16:22,180
Oh,

279
00:16:22,500 --> 00:16:23,500
and the beer's on its way.

280
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:26,880
This is gonna be the best party of the
year.

281
00:16:27,260 --> 00:16:30,480
Hey, you're a very popular teacher,
Mike.

282
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:36,440
I'm not a teacher, all right? You bet
you ain't. And that's the beauty of this

283
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:41,100
deal. For once, we finally got someone
behind the big desk who's like us.

284
00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:43,539
Like you?

285
00:16:43,540 --> 00:16:44,540
Pull the shades.

286
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:46,180
It's time to learn something, class.

287
00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:51,480
Turn off the movie, all right? Hey,
that's right.

288
00:16:51,780 --> 00:16:53,840
You wait till Mike gets a good seat.

289
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:57,740
I am not like you.

290
00:16:58,060 --> 00:17:00,560
Oh, that's okay. We got one of those
films, too.

291
00:17:02,140 --> 00:17:03,140
Showtime.

292
00:17:04,579 --> 00:17:06,880
Whoever does not belong in this class,
get out.

293
00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:08,660
Mikey,

294
00:17:09,380 --> 00:17:10,900
you're starting to sound like a teacher.

295
00:17:11,220 --> 00:17:12,220
Look, I am a teacher.

296
00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:13,960
At least for right now, okay?

297
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:15,880
So if you don't belong here, get out.

298
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:18,319
What's happening? Look at you, man.

299
00:17:19,319 --> 00:17:20,319
I grew up.

300
00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:27,560
Hey,

301
00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:34,460
cut off the laughing, all right?

302
00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:37,260
You, in the back of the road, don't you
dare put those pencils up your nose,

303
00:17:37,340 --> 00:17:38,760
buddy. I've had enough clowning around
today.

304
00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:42,160
How'd you know I was going to put them
up my nose? Because I've seen it before.

305
00:17:42,220 --> 00:17:45,880
In fact, I've done it, and I've done it
better. Four pencils and a magic marker.

306
00:17:48,020 --> 00:17:50,220
All right, let's see if we can get some
work done.

307
00:17:50,580 --> 00:17:53,220
And if you girls think you have answers
written in places you don't think I'll

308
00:17:53,220 --> 00:17:54,260
look, I've looked.

309
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:56,600
And drop the spitball, mister.

310
00:17:56,820 --> 00:17:58,220
Don't tell me you were just stretching.

311
00:17:58,460 --> 00:18:01,920
Yes, sir. All right, we've got a test to
take today, and the next person who

312
00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:03,960
says something not related to this test
gets detention.

313
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:06,300
And that goes for all of you. Is that
clear?

314
00:18:06,900 --> 00:18:08,320
Good. Pass these back.

315
00:18:09,629 --> 00:18:11,970
Not all of them. Keep one. Oh, yes, sir.

316
00:18:29,670 --> 00:18:30,670
All right,

317
00:18:32,630 --> 00:18:36,690
people. Not a word till I get back. And
you, pencil nose, you're in charge.

318
00:18:37,130 --> 00:18:39,610
Me? I can't be the teacher. I hate
teachers.

319
00:18:40,010 --> 00:18:41,010
Snap out of it.

320
00:18:42,710 --> 00:18:45,710
Can we make this quick? I got these kids
under control and I don't know how long

321
00:18:45,710 --> 00:18:46,489
it's going to last.

322
00:18:46,490 --> 00:18:47,490
Oh, okay. This can wait.

323
00:18:47,950 --> 00:18:52,090
Seaver, what are you trying to pull?
Don't act like you care what goes on in

324
00:18:52,090 --> 00:18:52,829
that room.

325
00:18:52,830 --> 00:18:55,990
Well, Mr. DeWitt's taking a quiz. I
mean, isn't that what you wanted? I

326
00:18:55,990 --> 00:18:59,430
you to feel bad about every teacher you
mistreated in your academic career.

327
00:18:59,630 --> 00:19:04,910
And I use that term and it's broadened.
I wanted you to crack and cry like a

328
00:19:04,910 --> 00:19:06,530
baby on a cold linoleum floor.

329
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,620
Like I do in my office every morning.

330
00:19:09,780 --> 00:19:13,340
Isn't it carpeted? Well, yes, it is.
Steve Earp! Eyes on your papers, people!

331
00:19:14,540 --> 00:19:15,540
You were saying?

332
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:20,540
I was saying... Wait a minute. You
expect me to fall for this act?

333
00:19:20,820 --> 00:19:22,980
You're paying these people off, of
course.

334
00:19:23,420 --> 00:19:26,060
I'm not paying anyone off, right? Even
if I did, it wouldn't have worked.

335
00:19:26,300 --> 00:19:29,040
You know, I've tried being buddies with
these people. I've tried being nice.

336
00:19:29,140 --> 00:19:30,140
I've tried being cool.

337
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:34,440
But the only thing that ever got through
to them was when I was an uncooled,

338
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:35,700
iron -fisted tyrant.

339
00:19:36,970 --> 00:19:39,970
Yeah. Seaver, you just used a two
-syllable word.

340
00:19:41,250 --> 00:19:43,350
You know, that's why teachers can't be
cool.

341
00:19:43,650 --> 00:19:45,490
And that's why you're such a bozo.

342
00:19:45,770 --> 00:19:46,770
That's right.

343
00:19:47,050 --> 00:19:50,450
And, Mr. DeWitt, look, I got something
to tell you. Teaching is a tough job.

344
00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:53,390
You know, and I got another thing to
say, is that those kids are going to

345
00:19:53,390 --> 00:19:56,530
that test tomorrow if it kills me.
Missy, you better have a real good

346
00:19:56,530 --> 00:19:59,210
being out of your seat. And, Mr., get
your ears away from this door. This

347
00:19:59,210 --> 00:20:00,590
conversation has nothing to do with you.

348
00:20:01,970 --> 00:20:03,750
Good golly, Miss Molly.

349
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:11,340
What? There's a theory among educators
that we all talk about when we gather at

350
00:20:11,340 --> 00:20:12,860
the teacher place.

351
00:20:13,820 --> 00:20:15,620
The theory goes like this.

352
00:20:16,380 --> 00:20:21,420
If we could take one of our goof -offs,
the ones who suck our energy and give

353
00:20:21,420 --> 00:20:26,400
nothing back, if we could take such a
student and turn him so that he could

354
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:32,860
his powers for good instead of evil, he,
oh he, would be the perfect

355
00:20:32,860 --> 00:20:33,860
teacher.

356
00:20:34,170 --> 00:20:35,170
The one.

357
00:20:36,030 --> 00:20:38,570
The one we've all been waiting for.

358
00:20:39,570 --> 00:20:42,610
You could be this man.

359
00:20:45,730 --> 00:20:47,410
Me? Perfect teacher?

360
00:20:48,130 --> 00:20:49,330
Chilling, isn't it?

361
00:20:50,330 --> 00:20:54,350
I don't know about being perfect, but I
sure smell like a teacher.

362
00:20:55,650 --> 00:21:00,590
Ah, yes. The mixture of flop sweat and
cheap clothing. I know it well.

363
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:05,200
Hey, look, Mr. DeWitt, I am really sorry
for all the grief I ever gave you.

364
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:09,280
Well, Mike, if you're the one, none of
that matters.

365
00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:12,660
Well, you know, I mean, all the stuff
that I said behind your back and, like,

366
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:16,400
the time that I put the P .A. mic in
your private bathroom. Oh, my God.

367
00:21:16,780 --> 00:21:18,080
That was you?

368
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:20,400
Mr. DeWitt.

369
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:23,200
I gotta go check on my class, all right?
And thank you for all the nice things

370
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:24,200
you said about me.

371
00:21:25,140 --> 00:21:31,040
Maybe I am imagining all this.

372
00:21:31,940 --> 00:21:33,640
Maybe I'm hallucinating.

373
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:35,760
I know.

374
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:37,340
I have the flu.

375
00:21:39,660 --> 00:21:40,660
I do.

376
00:21:41,580 --> 00:21:43,140
I have the flu.

377
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:45,540
I'm out of here.

378
00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:50,400
Wait a minute. Slow down.

379
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:52,880
You've had quite a day now. Just take it
easy.

380
00:21:53,660 --> 00:21:56,260
You've learned something today nobody
ever thought you would.

381
00:21:56,860 --> 00:21:57,960
Especially your parents.

382
00:21:58,749 --> 00:22:02,010
The question is, what are you going to
do with all this newfound knowledge?

383
00:22:04,950 --> 00:22:05,950
Listen to me.

384
00:22:06,910 --> 00:22:10,490
Now, you are not to use that word in
this house again, but we have a deal.

385
00:22:19,250 --> 00:22:20,510
We'll be back in a moment.

386
00:22:27,050 --> 00:22:30,630
What am I supposed to do? Tell them that
the engine's shot, that tires are bald,

387
00:22:30,690 --> 00:22:31,690
and the brakes are bad?

388
00:22:32,430 --> 00:22:35,310
Yes. You're operating an unsafe vehicle.

389
00:22:35,930 --> 00:22:38,250
Well, you didn't have to pull me over to
tell me that.

390
00:22:39,050 --> 00:22:41,510
Your operator's license and
registration, please.

391
00:22:42,130 --> 00:22:47,870
I bet Mike's registration's in... Wait.
He's probably buried under all these

392
00:22:47,870 --> 00:22:50,410
unpaid parking tickets. Pardon me?

393
00:22:50,950 --> 00:22:53,290
There must be 20 or 50 in here.

394
00:22:58,510 --> 00:23:02,190
criminals, thieves, degenerates,
lowlifes.