1 00:00:02,102 --> 00:00:04,662 My name is Earl. 2 00:00:04,771 --> 00:00:09,435 [Earl Narrating] They say in Camden County a crime is committed every seven minutes. 3 00:00:09,542 --> 00:00:13,876 Unfortunately forJoy, it had been six minutes and 57 seconds. 4 00:00:15,782 --> 00:00:17,750 The hell? This ain't a bus. 5 00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:20,376 You're getting carjacked. Get out. 6 00:00:20,487 --> 00:00:25,015 Fine. But carjackin' a red, white and blue Brat is like spittin' on the American flag. 7 00:00:25,125 --> 00:00:26,888 Least let me get my nuggets. 8 00:00:26,993 --> 00:00:29,962 Oh, snap! My hand snapped! 9 00:00:31,664 --> 00:00:34,064 Hey, Earl, have you heard that if you can tear... 10 00:00:34,167 --> 00:00:37,295 the label off your beer in one piece, it means you're not a virgin? 11 00:00:37,404 --> 00:00:40,931 - Willie the mailman was talkin' about it. - I hadn't heard that. 12 00:00:43,910 --> 00:00:45,878 Guess it's true. 13 00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:51,112 - What? I've had sex, you stupid beer! - [Tires Screeching] 14 00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:54,243 [Joy] Stop the Brat! Holy God! 15 00:00:56,256 --> 00:00:57,655 [Grunts] 16 00:01:01,528 --> 00:01:03,621 Damn it. 17 00:01:05,298 --> 00:01:07,994 That was the best stunt I've seen since SweetJohnny. 18 00:01:08,101 --> 00:01:10,535 SweetJohnny. 19 00:01:10,637 --> 00:01:12,935 [Earl Narrating] SweetJohnny was number 7 on my list... 20 00:01:13,039 --> 00:01:15,439 and one of the things I felt the worst about. 21 00:01:15,542 --> 00:01:19,239 SweetJohnny got his name because he was the sweetest guy anyone knew. 22 00:01:19,345 --> 00:01:23,111 But also because he was a stuntman and did some sweet stunts. 23 00:01:23,216 --> 00:01:26,083 [Grunts] 24 00:01:26,186 --> 00:01:28,313 His stunts were impressive... 25 00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:31,822 but I was even more impressed with his girlfriend, Sheila. 26 00:01:33,493 --> 00:01:36,621 So, the doctor says you're gonna be laid up for a couple days, huh? 27 00:01:36,729 --> 00:01:39,129 Yeah, but it was worth it. 28 00:01:39,232 --> 00:01:44,636 'Cause that stunt SweetJohnny just pulled off was swe-e-et! [Coughs] 29 00:01:44,737 --> 00:01:47,205 - Okay. - Oh, God. 30 00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:49,434 Well, hang in there, buddy. 31 00:01:51,211 --> 00:01:55,307 [Earl Narrating] So this time when Johnny got hurt, I decided to make my move. 32 00:02:02,388 --> 00:02:06,222 Well, there's a back porch I could spend an afternoon on. 33 00:02:06,326 --> 00:02:11,025 Yeah. Nice, ain't it? Reach out and grab a slice of that butt-cake. 34 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,156 - [Imitates Honking] - [Laughs] 35 00:02:15,902 --> 00:02:18,894 [Earl Narrating] I knew if I wanted to keep foolin'around with Sheila... 36 00:02:19,005 --> 00:02:22,236 I had to keepJohnny out of the way, so I came up with a plan. 37 00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:25,869 - The Doomsday Chair, huh? - Yep. Saw it as a kid on That's Incredible. 38 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:30,177 You sit on the chair. When the seat blows up, it throws you 20 feet in the air. 39 00:02:30,283 --> 00:02:35,311 But I was thinkin', you make the whole chair out ofT.N.T., you'll go even higher. 40 00:02:35,421 --> 00:02:37,912 Yeah. Forty feet in the air. 41 00:02:38,024 --> 00:02:40,891 SweetJohnny's gonna fly! Whoo! 42 00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:44,896 [Earl Narrating] I knew I was doin'wrong, but a great heinie can make a man do crazy things. 43 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:49,458 - SweetJohnny! - Or make a man make a man do crazy things. 44 00:02:57,777 --> 00:03:01,577 - Is that it? - [Girl] Oh, no! 45 00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:03,911 [Bystanders Chattering] 46 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:06,918 [Earl Narrating] It didn't take me long to realize the worseJohnny got hurt... 47 00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:09,818 the more time I got in his van with Sheila. 48 00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:13,484 I don't remember how many stunts I convinced him to do, but it was a lot. 49 00:03:13,593 --> 00:03:15,618 - Like the human speed bump. - 50 00:03:15,728 --> 00:03:19,721 - And the simple yet extremely unpredictable rocket unicycle. - 51 00:03:19,832 --> 00:03:24,269 But by the time I talked him into the human wrecking ball, I'd started to feel bad. 52 00:03:24,370 --> 00:03:27,567 - - [Crowd Cheering] 53 00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:30,575 SweetJohnny! 54 00:03:30,677 --> 00:03:33,805 55 00:03:33,913 --> 00:03:36,040 I'm sorry. 56 00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:38,310 - - I can't do this anymore. 57 00:03:38,418 --> 00:03:41,819 - - Yeah. This is some sick stuff. 58 00:03:41,921 --> 00:03:47,052 59 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:50,823 - - [Imitates Honking] 60 00:03:50,930 --> 00:03:55,799 But love is like a flame 61 00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:59,099 SweetJohnny! 62 00:03:59,205 --> 00:04:01,264 [Crowd] Oh! 63 00:04:01,374 --> 00:04:05,242 - [Man] Shake it off, Johnny. Shake it off. - 64 00:04:05,345 --> 00:04:08,405 I gotta find SweetJohnny. You want to come? 65 00:04:08,514 --> 00:04:11,608 No, you go ahead. Drop me off at the Crab Shack. 66 00:04:11,718 --> 00:04:15,017 I'm gonna get another beer and prove to it I'm not a virgin. 67 00:04:15,121 --> 00:04:17,783 By doin' the label thing, not puttin' my wiener in it. 68 00:04:17,890 --> 00:04:20,654 Just want to be clear. 69 00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:39,010 [Earl Narrating] I hadn't heard anything aboutJohnny for a while... 70 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:41,103 so I was afraid he'd be hard to find. 71 00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:43,978 But it ends up he was livin' in the same house. 72 00:04:44,083 --> 00:04:45,675 Hey, SweetJohnny. 73 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,556 Earl Hickey! Wassup? 74 00:04:50,657 --> 00:04:52,591 [Laughs] 75 00:04:52,692 --> 00:04:55,160 Wassup... with you? 76 00:04:55,261 --> 00:04:57,627 Oh, nothin'. I'm just preparin' for a stunt. 77 00:04:57,730 --> 00:05:00,062 I'm gonna attach this chair to two weather balloons... 78 00:05:00,166 --> 00:05:03,829 float as high as the planes fly, high-five God... 79 00:05:03,936 --> 00:05:06,905 then jump off, use this parachute to float sweetly back down to Earth. 80 00:05:07,006 --> 00:05:10,032 SweetJohnny! [Chuckles] 81 00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:14,671 Look, Johnny, uh, I came here to confess something. 82 00:05:14,781 --> 00:05:18,308 All that time I was convincing you to do crazy stunts... 83 00:05:18,418 --> 00:05:22,320 I was doin' it to get you hurt so I could sleep with Sheila. 84 00:05:22,422 --> 00:05:24,390 You slept with Sheila? 85 00:05:26,092 --> 00:05:29,755 Why would you do that? Why-Why would she do that? 86 00:05:29,862 --> 00:05:34,492 She's the love of my life. I thought you were my friend. 87 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:38,661 L-l-I am, and l-I feel really bad and want to make it up to you. 88 00:05:38,771 --> 00:05:41,604 You son of a bitch! 89 00:05:41,708 --> 00:05:44,370 [Screams] Johnny, just give me a chance, man! 90 00:05:44,477 --> 00:05:46,411 [Earl Narrating] I have a rule of thumb with the list. 91 00:05:46,512 --> 00:05:50,243 If someone pulls a weapon, I give 'em time to cool off. 92 00:05:53,453 --> 00:05:57,685 Baby, are these socks thicker than my regular socks? I feel taller. 93 00:05:57,790 --> 00:06:01,248 - Where did you get a gun? - At that Indian dude's garage sale. 94 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:04,296 Got you a tank top too. It says "Whitey Off the Rez"... 95 00:06:04,397 --> 00:06:06,888 but I figured since you're black, you could get away with it. 96 00:06:06,999 --> 00:06:09,763 You know how I feel about guns. No good can come from having one. 97 00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:12,235 Yeah? Well, if I had this yesterday, we'd still have our car... 98 00:06:12,338 --> 00:06:15,569 and you wouldn't be goin' to work ridin' bitch on Fernando's bicycle. 99 00:06:15,675 --> 00:06:17,939 No, if you had that yesterday, there would have been a shoot-out. 100 00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:20,569 The inside of the Brat would've looked like someone turned on a blender. 101 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,648 You're steppin' on my First Amendment rights. 102 00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:26,210 Freedom of speech is the First Amendment. 103 00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:29,379 And nothin' speaks louder than this. 104 00:06:29,489 --> 00:06:31,753 [Earl] SweetJohnny? 105 00:06:31,858 --> 00:06:34,918 [Earl Narrating] I gaveJohnny a night to sleep on it, then went back. 106 00:06:35,027 --> 00:06:38,087 Earl Hickey. Wassup? 107 00:06:38,197 --> 00:06:40,995 - [Laughs] - Uh, hey, uh, I'm back. 108 00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:45,469 Just checkin' to see if you've cooled down since I was here yesterday. 109 00:06:45,571 --> 00:06:47,300 Yesterday? 110 00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:50,604 Yesterday I was in Nathanville with Sheila pickin' up helium for my next big stunt. 111 00:06:50,710 --> 00:06:54,271 Oh, you're gonna love this. I'm gonna attach this chair to some weather balloons... 112 00:06:54,380 --> 00:06:58,111 float up to where the planes fly, high-five God... 113 00:06:58,217 --> 00:06:59,809 then jump back down with this parachute- 114 00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:02,945 H-Hold on. I feel like I caught that French disease... 115 00:07:03,055 --> 00:07:06,286 that makes things happen to you twice. 116 00:07:06,392 --> 00:07:11,125 You don't remember me, uh, comin' by yesterday and tellin' you I slept with Sheila? 117 00:07:11,230 --> 00:07:14,290 You-You slept with Sheila? 118 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:16,527 Why would you do that? 119 00:07:16,636 --> 00:07:18,866 Why-Why would she do that? 120 00:07:18,971 --> 00:07:22,702 She's the love of my life. I thought you were my friend. 121 00:07:22,809 --> 00:07:24,970 - You son of a bitch! - [Screams] 122 00:07:25,077 --> 00:07:29,480 [Earl Narrating]Johnny had always been unpredictable, but now hejust seemed weird. 123 00:07:29,582 --> 00:07:32,983 If I was gonna cross him off my list, I was gonna have to find out why. 124 00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:39,153 The next day, I tracked down Sheila... 125 00:07:39,258 --> 00:07:42,819 hopin'she might know why SweetJohnny was acting so strange. 126 00:07:42,929 --> 00:07:44,624 Sheila? That you? 127 00:07:44,730 --> 00:07:48,393 Earl Hickey? I haven't seen you for years! Hold on. 128 00:07:48,501 --> 00:07:52,301 I'll be right there. 129 00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:56,239 Oh, damn people. Parkin' too close together. 130 00:07:59,779 --> 00:08:03,977 Oh, yeah. Baby got a little bigger downstairs. 131 00:08:04,083 --> 00:08:08,816 But she still remembers you. You want to give it a little squeeze for old time's sake? 132 00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:14,216 - [Weakly Imitates Honking] - [Laughs] 133 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,261 So what you doin' in Mount Trace? 134 00:08:16,362 --> 00:08:18,330 Actually, I was, uh, lookin' for you. 135 00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:21,525 I need to ask you somethin' about SweetJohnny. 136 00:08:21,634 --> 00:08:25,502 I talked to him yesterday, and he seemed kinda "forget-y." 137 00:08:25,605 --> 00:08:29,439 Oh, you don't know about the accident? About the brain damage? 138 00:08:29,542 --> 00:08:32,807 [Earl Narrating] Turns out even though I'd putJohnny in danger a bunch of times... 139 00:08:32,912 --> 00:08:36,348 it was somethin'he did on his own that ended up hurtin'him permanently. 140 00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:38,940 Whoa! 141 00:08:39,051 --> 00:08:41,713 He hurt his brain so bad, he can't make new memories. 142 00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:45,757 Whenever he falls asleep, he wakes up thinkin' it is the day before his big stunt. 143 00:08:45,858 --> 00:08:47,883 He's got no idea it's 10 years later? 144 00:08:47,994 --> 00:08:50,189 Mm-mmm. He never leaves the house. 145 00:08:50,296 --> 00:08:53,322 He just goes to that garage and works on that chair. 146 00:08:53,432 --> 00:08:55,923 I stayed with him for a couple of years. 147 00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:58,799 But he got hurt the summer that song "La Vida Loca" was big. 148 00:08:58,905 --> 00:09:02,864 If I heard him sing it one more time, I was gonna drown him in the tub. 149 00:09:02,975 --> 00:09:07,207 I know what that's like. Randy got really into that song for a while. 150 00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:09,577 It's the only time I ever spanked him. 151 00:09:09,682 --> 00:09:13,948 I guess that explains why he didn't remember me tellin' him about us sleepin' together. 152 00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:16,078 What the hell did you do that for? 153 00:09:16,188 --> 00:09:20,682 - Because it was a bad thing, and I need to make up for it. - Earl, sure we did wrong. 154 00:09:20,793 --> 00:09:24,285 But the way that I look at it, we got a get-out-of-jail-free card. 155 00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:28,390 Oh, nice. Someone just parked illegal cross the street. Be right back. 156 00:09:31,537 --> 00:09:33,767 [Car Alarm Wailing] 157 00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:39,610 I'm ignoring you, Darnell. 158 00:09:39,712 --> 00:09:44,411 All I see is Charlie Brown fallin' while that bitch pulls the football away again. 159 00:09:44,517 --> 00:09:47,816 Tell you what. If Chuck was packin', people would stop messin' with him. 160 00:09:49,355 --> 00:09:51,823 I don't get it. I'm not a virgin. 161 00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:56,122 Does sex not count with daytime hookers, illegal aliens or 60-year-olds? 162 00:09:56,228 --> 00:09:59,527 I don't know how I'm gonna cross Johnny off my list in one day. 163 00:09:59,632 --> 00:10:01,862 He's so pissed when I tell him what I did... 164 00:10:01,968 --> 00:10:04,596 I can't even get to the apologizing and making it up to him part. 165 00:10:04,704 --> 00:10:09,164 [Grunts] There's another staple. That makes six. 166 00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:12,005 I don't know why you just don't skip him and go to another item. 167 00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:15,740 It's not like you're gonna live long enough to actually finish that list anyway. 168 00:10:15,848 --> 00:10:18,976 Wrong. Earl promised me he'd live forever. 169 00:10:19,085 --> 00:10:20,985 I'm gonna finish the list. 170 00:10:21,087 --> 00:10:25,217 Besides, once I start thinkin' about somethin', I need to cross it off so I can forget about it. 171 00:10:25,324 --> 00:10:27,451 Otherwise, it'll just nag at me. 172 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:30,051 - [Loud Clatter] - Everybody freeze! 173 00:10:30,162 --> 00:10:33,325 [Guns Cocking] 174 00:10:36,102 --> 00:10:39,799 People, it was a pool cue. Put the guns away. 175 00:10:41,674 --> 00:10:44,268 - What the hell, Joy? - Oh, stop bein' a wuss. 176 00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:47,244 - If that had been a robber, I would've saved the day. - [Gunshot] 177 00:10:47,346 --> 00:10:48,836 [All Gasp] 178 00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:54,085 It's all right, everybody. Just grazed my booby. 179 00:10:54,186 --> 00:10:57,713 [Earl Narrating] I realized I had no choice but to giveJohnny another try. 180 00:10:57,823 --> 00:11:00,348 - And this time, I had protection. - SweetJohnny? 181 00:11:00,459 --> 00:11:05,055 - Earl Hickey. Wassup? - I slept with Sheila and made you do dangerous stunts... 182 00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:07,530 so you'd get hurt and I could bang her in your van. 183 00:11:07,633 --> 00:11:09,328 You son of a bitch! 184 00:11:09,435 --> 00:11:13,701 So I decided to wait out his anger, hopin'he'd work his way through it. 185 00:11:13,806 --> 00:11:16,866 And it didn't occur to me he might change weapons. 186 00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:21,870 - But eventually, he got to where he could listen. - [Grunts] 187 00:11:21,981 --> 00:11:24,950 Look, I know you're upset. 188 00:11:25,051 --> 00:11:29,215 I'm really sorry for what I did, but I want to make it up to you. 189 00:11:29,321 --> 00:11:32,449 - So what can I do? - I'm goin' to talk to Sheila. 190 00:11:32,558 --> 00:11:35,721 Hold on! That-That's not a good idea. There's somethin' you don't know. 191 00:11:35,828 --> 00:11:41,266 See, you got this brain injury. When you go to sleep, you wake up thinkin' it's the same day. 192 00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:45,701 - You've been doin' it for 10 years. - Ten years? That's crazy. 193 00:11:45,805 --> 00:11:48,569 I don't know what kind of trick you're tryin' to pull on SweetJohnny... 194 00:11:48,674 --> 00:11:51,234 but it's decidedly unsweet. 195 00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:59,714 SweetJohnny? Earl, what the hell did you bring him here for? 196 00:11:59,819 --> 00:12:01,446 Sorry, but he wanted to see you. 197 00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:04,921 You idiot. He is not gonna remember any of this in the mornin'. 198 00:12:05,024 --> 00:12:07,993 Baby, tell me you didn't cheat on SweetJohnny. 199 00:12:08,094 --> 00:12:11,063 Sweetness, there's nothin' for you to get upset about. 200 00:12:11,163 --> 00:12:14,758 Let's just get you back home so you can get ready for your big- 201 00:12:14,867 --> 00:12:17,631 Ass! Oh, God! 202 00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,637 What happened to your ass? 203 00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:23,266 - You know I got that lazy thyroid. - But it's huge. 204 00:12:23,375 --> 00:12:28,005 It's like 10 years of ass growth since yesterday. 205 00:12:28,114 --> 00:12:32,175 Oh, God, it's true! It is 10 years later. 206 00:12:32,284 --> 00:12:35,151 Oh, why? 207 00:12:35,254 --> 00:12:37,518 [Screams, Grunts] 208 00:12:39,525 --> 00:12:44,224 So now you see my problem. I gotta make this up to you in one day, before you go to sleep. 209 00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:49,131 So if we could just talk- Johnny! Wait. 210 00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:55,202 Johnny, what do ya got there? 211 00:12:55,307 --> 00:12:58,299 Is that generic nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, fever... 212 00:12:58,410 --> 00:13:00,378 the-best-sleep-you-ever-got- with-a-cold medicine? 213 00:13:00,479 --> 00:13:03,971 Johnny, don't do it! Don't go to sleep! You'll forget everything! 214 00:13:06,051 --> 00:13:08,713 That's the point, Earl. I just want this day to end. 215 00:13:17,096 --> 00:13:20,896 - Darnell, have you seen my gun? - Maybe the boys brought it to school. 216 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:24,492 They mentioned somethin' about bein' alienated and disillusioned. 217 00:13:24,603 --> 00:13:28,198 Are you tryin' to make some kind of point? You know I don't like points, Darnell. 218 00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:30,775 I'm just sayin', it's a shame you lost it. 219 00:13:30,876 --> 00:13:33,970 Today, the cops are havin' that Guns For Hams exchange. 220 00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:43,748 Damn you! How am I supposed to protect my family with a honey-glaze ham? 221 00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:46,290 [Earl Narrating] The next day, I got back to work on Johnny. 222 00:13:46,392 --> 00:13:50,590 But since I knew what I was dealin'with, I was able to get things done a little faster. 223 00:13:50,696 --> 00:13:52,664 Earl Hickey. Wassup? 224 00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:55,427 - I told him what I had done. - I thought you were my friend. 225 00:13:55,534 --> 00:13:59,026 I let him work out his rage. I told him about his brain problems. 226 00:13:59,138 --> 00:14:01,436 This is crazy. I'm gonna go talk to Sheila. 227 00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:04,941 - Took him to see Sheila. - Sheila, tell me all this isn't true. 228 00:14:05,044 --> 00:14:08,502 - Oh, hell, not again. - Oh, my God! 229 00:14:08,614 --> 00:14:12,175 - I'm really enjoying this, Earl. - No get-out-of-jail-free cards. 230 00:14:12,284 --> 00:14:16,414 [Earl Narrating] And I took him home. But this time, I came prepared. 231 00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:21,527 - Get away from me, you devil! - Calm down, Johnny. 232 00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:22,721 - Get away from me, you devil! - Calm down, Johnny. 233 00:14:22,828 --> 00:14:25,092 I'm gonna get you through this. 234 00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:27,688 Eventually, I discovered all Johnny needed were some kind words... 235 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,893 once sung by a handsome Cuban man. 236 00:14:30,002 --> 00:14:32,903 [Earl] 237 00:14:33,005 --> 00:14:35,599 238 00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:39,144 239 00:14:39,245 --> 00:14:42,908 240 00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:47,315 241 00:14:47,419 --> 00:14:49,114 Feelin' better, buddy? 242 00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:52,713 So it's just like that movie Groundhog Day here. 243 00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:55,692 But instead of Andie MacDowell, I got a cheatin' ex-girlfriend... 244 00:14:55,794 --> 00:14:58,126 with a big, fat dumper... 245 00:14:58,230 --> 00:15:01,495 and I never get to do my stunt. 246 00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:03,625 Afraid so. 247 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:09,265 I guess than that's what you can do for me, Earl. 248 00:15:09,375 --> 00:15:12,037 You can help me do that BASE jump. 249 00:15:12,144 --> 00:15:14,044 Really? 250 00:15:14,146 --> 00:15:16,614 Do you think we could pull it off right now? 251 00:15:16,715 --> 00:15:19,548 'Cause we kinda need to do it today. 252 00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:22,382 I got everything ready out back. 253 00:15:22,488 --> 00:15:27,289 Apparently I've double-checked it all 3,654 times. 254 00:15:27,393 --> 00:15:29,418 All right then. Let's jump! 255 00:15:29,528 --> 00:15:32,520 I'm gonna call the Crab Shack and tell people you're doin' a stunt. 256 00:15:32,631 --> 00:15:35,862 Everybody's gonna be leavin' soon anyway 'cause Happy Half-Hour's almost over. 257 00:15:35,968 --> 00:15:38,698 This is great. Give me a "SweetJohnny." 258 00:15:38,804 --> 00:15:41,136 [Snoring] 259 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:43,640 [Earl Narrating] So we went through it one last time. 260 00:15:43,742 --> 00:15:46,176 - Wassup? - 261 00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:49,042 Just give it time 262 00:15:49,148 --> 00:15:51,776 [Groans] 263 00:15:51,884 --> 00:15:54,148 264 00:15:54,253 --> 00:15:56,278 - All right then. Let's jump. 265 00:15:56,388 --> 00:15:58,720 266 00:15:58,824 --> 00:16:00,724 Look alive. 267 00:16:00,826 --> 00:16:03,920 [Earl Narrating] At last, the stuntJohnny had waited 10 years to do was ready. 268 00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:07,487 Greetings, people of Camden and what's left of the SweetJohnny Fan Club. 269 00:16:07,599 --> 00:16:09,863 - Whoo! - [People Cheering] 270 00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:12,199 I love you, Johnny! Whoo! 271 00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:15,671 Thanks, Paul. [Clears Throat] 272 00:16:15,774 --> 00:16:20,404 Well, I'm gonna take this chair, and I'm gonna fly, and then I'm gonna jump off. 273 00:16:20,512 --> 00:16:23,913 And if, uh, Lady Gravity does her job... 274 00:16:24,016 --> 00:16:26,211 you're gonna see a stunt that you'll never forget. 275 00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:28,912 I'll never forget you, Johnny! 276 00:16:29,021 --> 00:16:31,854 - Whoo! [Laughs] - Thanks again, Paul. 277 00:16:31,957 --> 00:16:35,723 Just dial it down a notch, bro. All right. 278 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:38,023 - SweetJohnny! - [Earl Narrating] I felt good. 279 00:16:38,130 --> 00:16:41,327 I was only a few minutes from bein'able to cross SweetJohnny off my list... 280 00:16:41,433 --> 00:16:44,925 and put what I had done to him behind me forever. 281 00:16:45,037 --> 00:16:48,029 [Earl] What the- 282 00:16:49,074 --> 00:16:52,237 Johnny! Forgot your parachute. 283 00:16:53,545 --> 00:16:56,036 - What the hell are you doin'? - Endin' it. 284 00:16:56,148 --> 00:16:59,083 If this is my life and that's Sheila's ass, I don't want to go on. 285 00:16:59,184 --> 00:17:01,550 You-You can't kill yourself. 286 00:17:01,653 --> 00:17:04,213 Watch me. SweetJohnny! 287 00:17:04,323 --> 00:17:07,918 Wait, wait. Johnny! What are you doin'? Help! 288 00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,791 - Let go! - SweetJohnny, what are you doin'? 289 00:17:10,896 --> 00:17:12,796 [Earl Screams] 290 00:17:12,898 --> 00:17:15,526 Help! Somebody, get me down! 291 00:17:15,634 --> 00:17:17,864 Get me down! Help! 292 00:17:19,838 --> 00:17:24,104 Oh, my God! I did it! The bottle says I'm not a virgin! I knew it! 293 00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:27,576 Look, Randy. They're gonna die! 294 00:17:27,679 --> 00:17:29,579 - [Screams] - [Bottle Smashes] 295 00:17:29,681 --> 00:17:32,241 [Screaming] 296 00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:36,048 If I still had my gun, I could shoot out a balloon and save those idiots. 297 00:17:36,155 --> 00:17:38,521 - Joy, now's not the time. - You still can't admit that sometime, somewhere... 298 00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:40,592 there's a good reason to have a gun, can you? 299 00:17:40,692 --> 00:17:42,455 - Joy- - Admit it, Darnell. 300 00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:45,689 Yes, I admit it. When two men are floating away in a lawn chair tied to big balloons... 301 00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:49,063 and one of them has left his parachute behind, that might be an okay time to have a gun. 302 00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:51,102 Thank you. 303 00:17:53,105 --> 00:17:57,235 - [Earl Screaming] - This is America. You didn't think I could get another one? 304 00:18:00,579 --> 00:18:03,571 [Groans] 305 00:18:03,682 --> 00:18:07,641 - Is anybody dead? - He's knocked out, but breathing. 306 00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:11,086 Well, Darnell, looks like the gun saved the day. 307 00:18:11,190 --> 00:18:14,421 - I think maybe it's time you reconsidered- - [Gunshot] 308 00:18:14,526 --> 00:18:16,790 [All Gasp] 309 00:18:19,731 --> 00:18:24,600 It's okay, everybody. Just grazed my stinker. [Chuckles] 310 00:18:28,507 --> 00:18:31,772 - I thought my stunt was tomorrow. - [Man] Oh, he's okay. 311 00:18:33,245 --> 00:18:36,339 Hey, everybody. Wassup? 312 00:18:36,582 --> 00:18:38,641 [Earl Narrating] It took Johnny tryin'to commit suicide... 313 00:18:38,750 --> 00:18:40,650 for me to see how selfish I had been... 314 00:18:40,752 --> 00:18:44,984 and how I was really only tryin'to make me feel better by crossin'Johnny off the list. 315 00:18:45,090 --> 00:18:50,289 - Hey, SweetJohnny. - Earl Hickey. Wassup? 316 00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:58,235 All right, easy on the squeezie. 317 00:18:58,337 --> 00:19:01,636 I just want you to know somethin'. 318 00:19:01,740 --> 00:19:04,231 I really like you, and I'm sorry. 319 00:19:04,343 --> 00:19:08,109 Well, thanks, Earl. But there's no reason for bein' sorry for likin' SweetJohnny. 320 00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:11,478 SweetJohnny likes you too. Hey, you mind helpin' me out? 321 00:19:11,583 --> 00:19:15,519 Some kids must've broke in here last night and messed up my stunt chair. 322 00:19:15,621 --> 00:19:18,419 Must've kicked my ass while I was sleepin' too. 323 00:19:18,524 --> 00:19:21,357 Somehow, I bit halfway through my tongue, the little bastards. 324 00:19:21,460 --> 00:19:23,985 [Earl Narrating] For the first time since I started doin'my list... 325 00:19:24,096 --> 00:19:26,394 I wasn't gonna be able to cross somebody off. 326 00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:28,762 I was gonna have tojust let it nag at me. 327 00:19:28,867 --> 00:19:33,531 But sinceJohnny was never gonna remember, it felt right that someone never forget. 328 00:19:36,642 --> 00:19:40,009 Are you just gonna stand there, or are you gonna help me? I got a big stunt tomorrow. 329 00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:43,047 I know. I can't wait. 330 00:19:43,148 --> 00:19:45,776 SweetJohnny!