1 00:00:54,850 --> 00:00:58,430 Have I sung the same song as I'm singing? 2 00:00:58,930 --> 00:01:02,010 I don't know. What song am I singing? 3 00:01:02,410 --> 00:01:04,750 Do you know the ball of a teddy bear? 4 00:01:05,110 --> 00:01:08,010 No, but I know the mirror of Teddy Ball. 5 00:01:35,950 --> 00:01:36,950 What is going on? 6 00:01:37,310 --> 00:01:38,890 It's half past one. 7 00:01:39,430 --> 00:01:40,810 Have we missed lunch? 8 00:01:41,990 --> 00:01:42,990 Morning. 9 00:01:43,730 --> 00:01:45,330 What do you think you're doing? 10 00:01:46,130 --> 00:01:47,950 I'm busting for a peeve. 11 00:01:48,170 --> 00:01:49,510 What are you two doing? 12 00:01:49,750 --> 00:01:52,890 Well, they're both in dressing gowns, so they've probably been at it like 13 00:01:52,890 --> 00:01:54,330 ferrets in a wind tunnel. 14 00:01:56,210 --> 00:01:57,210 Basil! 15 00:01:57,670 --> 00:01:58,670 Where have you been? 16 00:01:59,110 --> 00:02:02,510 I've been working my way through the Dagenham girl pipers. 17 00:02:03,270 --> 00:02:04,710 Basil, that's disgusting. 18 00:02:05,550 --> 00:02:07,470 Naturally, I'm an expert. 19 00:02:08,590 --> 00:02:10,330 Where have you been? 20 00:02:10,949 --> 00:02:13,230 We've been to a regimental reunion. 21 00:02:14,470 --> 00:02:17,710 Basil and I saved Europe from the dreaded Hun. 22 00:02:18,050 --> 00:02:20,970 Right. Both of us together. 23 00:02:21,330 --> 00:02:24,370 And what were you doing during the war? 24 00:02:24,670 --> 00:02:26,250 I wasn't even born. 25 00:02:26,910 --> 00:02:29,850 Ah, skiving away as usual. 26 00:02:31,970 --> 00:02:34,190 It's a genteel retirement home. 27 00:02:34,620 --> 00:02:38,040 People come here for a bit of peace and quiet in their autumn years, not to have 28 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:41,300 their sleep disturbed by a bunch of geriatric lager louts. 29 00:02:42,100 --> 00:02:45,400 I'll kindly go to your apartments at once, and if there's any more of this 30 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,740 of behaviour, it will be reported to the board, and it will be taken into 31 00:02:48,740 --> 00:02:50,720 consideration when your leases come up for renewal. 32 00:02:51,860 --> 00:02:54,380 Now, do I make myself clear? 33 00:03:47,660 --> 00:03:50,720 minutes, Father, and we shall be wed on the morrow. 34 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:53,100 Tom, you are drunk. 35 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,100 That's funny. So am I. 36 00:03:56,700 --> 00:03:58,700 And you have woken me up. 37 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:00,800 We've woken everyone up. 38 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:06,640 Battle went into the kitchen to steal a snack and got dropped on by Mr. 39 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:07,840 Quok Python. 40 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:12,100 I told him it only ate cats, but he's still screaming the place down. 41 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:14,760 Oh, yes. 42 00:04:14,820 --> 00:04:16,399 He thinks he's got the DTs. 43 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:18,640 Well, it serves him right. 44 00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:19,940 I apologise. 45 00:04:20,500 --> 00:04:21,519 I didn't mean to wake you. 46 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:22,940 Oh, that's all right. 47 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:25,980 So, did you enjoy your reunion? 48 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:27,820 Fewer of us every year. 49 00:04:28,580 --> 00:04:32,240 The old green bottles waiting to accidentally fall. 50 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:34,480 But did you enjoy it? 51 00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:35,760 Oh, yes. 52 00:04:35,820 --> 00:04:39,980 Sergeant Major Finch set up an assault course in the dining room and had us 53 00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:42,940 climbing up the furniture and swinging off the curtains. 54 00:04:43,220 --> 00:04:47,460 Then we dropped our trousers... and stuck our bums out the window. 55 00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:52,140 What a witty and sophisticated salon. 56 00:04:52,980 --> 00:04:54,380 So how did it end? 57 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:55,680 Oh, same as usual. 58 00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:59,820 Toast to everyone we could think of, a chocolate pudding fight and the arrival 59 00:04:59,820 --> 00:05:00,820 of the police. 60 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:03,740 All fine boys together. 61 00:05:04,140 --> 00:05:07,940 Yes, I love them all very dearly. My best chum. 62 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:09,320 Oh. 63 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:13,100 Nice to know one's position in the scheme of things. 64 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:14,900 Oh, but you too. 65 00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:20,000 You're my best chum. It's just that the chaps show their affection in different 66 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,280 ways. Oh. 67 00:05:21,740 --> 00:05:25,460 You mean you're not going to show your affection for me by swinging from the 68 00:05:25,460 --> 00:05:27,640 curtains and schlepping me in the mush with a chalky meringue? 69 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:34,800 That's very disappointing. One knows when one's a true bosom buddy of 70 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:35,800 Major Finch. 71 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:40,780 He allows you to scratch your initials on the metal plate in his skull. 72 00:05:42,060 --> 00:05:43,900 Masons eat your heart out. 73 00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:47,440 What are you going to do now? 74 00:05:47,540 --> 00:05:52,000 Well, I'm contemplating quite a serious pee. 75 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:53,440 And after that? 76 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:57,740 After that, hell, the rest of my life is free. 77 00:05:58,200 --> 00:05:59,840 Good. Why? 78 00:06:00,500 --> 00:06:06,000 Well, I thought as you're in such fine fettle and you've woken me up, we might 79 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,320 round off a good evening in the traditional manner. 80 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:17,019 Big pillock. 81 00:06:17,020 --> 00:06:18,120 Not cocoa. 82 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:20,300 Oh, is it a saint's day? 83 00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:21,840 I'll hit you. 84 00:06:22,260 --> 00:06:24,620 You mean noughties. 85 00:06:26,740 --> 00:06:31,340 Noughties? That's what Mrs Higgins calls it. She used to do for us before the 86 00:06:31,340 --> 00:06:36,220 war. Always saying, Mr Higgins likes his noughties of a Saturday night. 87 00:06:36,660 --> 00:06:38,420 Tom, I am totally uninterested. 88 00:06:38,660 --> 00:06:40,420 So is Mrs Higgins, by all accounts. 89 00:06:45,740 --> 00:06:46,740 Just a minute. 90 00:06:46,780 --> 00:06:49,620 Oh. Does my forwardness worry you? 91 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:55,520 No, I think you have got a very nice forwardness. 92 00:06:56,580 --> 00:06:58,640 I'm not sure whether I'm up to it. Since when? 93 00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:03,760 Well, it's just, I'm not sure, you know. I've had the odd drink. 94 00:07:04,140 --> 00:07:07,340 Well, it's always done wonders for you in the past. Even better than your 95 00:07:07,340 --> 00:07:08,340 of Trigger. 96 00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:12,580 Why don't you let me handle it? 97 00:07:12,820 --> 00:07:13,820 Oh. Oh. 98 00:07:16,910 --> 00:07:19,810 Is it that whenever one talks about sex, it always comes out as a double 99 00:07:19,810 --> 00:07:24,630 entendre? Probably because we are basically a juvenile nation at heart and 100 00:07:24,630 --> 00:07:31,190 forever embarrassed by the mere mention of... Sex. 101 00:07:32,550 --> 00:07:33,550 Noughties. 102 00:07:34,810 --> 00:07:38,130 Tom, I am now going to my perfumed boudoir. 103 00:07:38,590 --> 00:07:42,110 You have exactly three minutes to attend to your toilette. 104 00:07:42,410 --> 00:07:46,290 Strip down to basic battle dress and meet me on the field of Mars. 105 00:07:47,990 --> 00:07:50,650 May the best man win. Hail Caesar. 106 00:07:52,330 --> 00:07:56,990 Oh, what a wonderful woman. 107 00:08:01,770 --> 00:08:02,770 How's battle? 108 00:08:02,970 --> 00:08:07,290 I've sedated him, but he still insisted in sleeping on top of the wardrobe. 109 00:08:08,130 --> 00:08:12,010 I really do think you have to have a word with Mr. Kwok about that. 110 00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:13,420 Snake? Nonsense. 111 00:08:13,740 --> 00:08:17,520 Food pilferage has dropped by almost 8 .5 % since he got his friend Lorraine 112 00:08:17,780 --> 00:08:21,220 Who? Lorraine. His python is called Lorraine. 113 00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:25,840 Oh, I've got a sister called Lorraine. Can she swallow a whole sheep? 114 00:08:26,260 --> 00:08:27,400 I think so. 115 00:08:27,820 --> 00:08:30,980 I don't think he called his snake after your sister. Oh, I am glad. 116 00:08:32,559 --> 00:08:35,580 You haven't seen my cat, have you? No. 117 00:08:36,059 --> 00:08:38,159 No, no, no, I can't say I haven't. 118 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:40,640 Well, I've never stayed out this... 119 00:08:41,070 --> 00:08:43,690 Yes, well, never mind your damn cat. I'm worried about me. 120 00:08:44,530 --> 00:08:47,870 You're not having a breakdown again, are you? No, I am not. 121 00:08:48,610 --> 00:08:49,970 It's just nothing's changed. 122 00:08:51,030 --> 00:08:52,350 I'm still not going anywhere. 123 00:08:52,750 --> 00:08:54,230 Aren't you going to Majorca? 124 00:08:54,790 --> 00:08:56,270 I meant as a person. 125 00:08:56,690 --> 00:08:59,570 Most people go to Majorca as persons, Harvey. 126 00:09:00,230 --> 00:09:03,790 You can't go as freighter as household pets because they don't make those 127 00:09:03,790 --> 00:09:04,930 air holes big enough. 128 00:09:06,010 --> 00:09:08,590 Jane, I meant I'm still here. 129 00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:10,650 I should be... 130 00:09:10,890 --> 00:09:14,710 I should be hanging out with the business elite, you know, shooting 131 00:09:14,710 --> 00:09:16,290 hospitality tents at Wimbledon. 132 00:09:17,050 --> 00:09:20,510 I should be out there, chewing grit, killing bears. 133 00:09:21,250 --> 00:09:26,370 I think what you need is a nice hot milky drink. No, I do not. 134 00:09:27,850 --> 00:09:30,290 How about a baby, then? 135 00:09:31,410 --> 00:09:37,730 What? I have heard that the advent of children reduces a young man's thanks. 136 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:43,100 Once he has recreated himself, he finds a inner peace. 137 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:44,880 What do you want me to do? 138 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:46,820 Rent a couple of orphans for the weekend? 139 00:09:47,300 --> 00:09:51,260 Oh, Father Harvey, I know you'd make a marvellous father. 140 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:57,640 And if I could be of any assistance, I'd be the mother of your five children. 141 00:09:57,740 --> 00:10:00,280 Just say the word and leave the rest to me. 142 00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:02,460 I think I'll just have the milky drink. 143 00:10:09,070 --> 00:10:10,070 Anna, stop that. 144 00:10:11,490 --> 00:10:13,650 Ooh, got our happy face on, have we? 145 00:10:13,910 --> 00:10:15,690 Why don't you go and jump under a train? 146 00:10:16,690 --> 00:10:18,990 That's better. Now, eat your cornflakes. 147 00:10:20,110 --> 00:10:23,770 Carefully. We wouldn't want you to choke to death or turn purple or anything, 148 00:10:23,970 --> 00:10:24,970 would we? 149 00:10:25,710 --> 00:10:26,710 Here we are, Basil. 150 00:10:27,850 --> 00:10:28,930 Basil, are you all right? 151 00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:32,970 The biggest snake in the whole wide world. 152 00:10:33,350 --> 00:10:34,630 Are you bragging again? 153 00:10:36,910 --> 00:10:40,950 wrap itself round me and squeeze me until my eyes pop out and my bottom 154 00:10:40,950 --> 00:10:42,210 explodes. Back off. 155 00:10:43,750 --> 00:10:44,750 Yes? 156 00:10:45,430 --> 00:10:46,430 Open. 157 00:10:47,130 --> 00:10:49,790 Oh. Have a nice day. Morning, Tom. 158 00:10:50,130 --> 00:10:51,770 What have you done to Diana? 159 00:10:52,410 --> 00:10:53,410 Nothing. 160 00:10:53,990 --> 00:10:56,490 Well, keep spitting barbed wire, so watch yourself. 161 00:11:02,790 --> 00:11:03,790 Morning. 162 00:11:05,610 --> 00:11:06,610 Sleep well? 163 00:11:06,730 --> 00:11:07,730 No. 164 00:11:08,570 --> 00:11:09,770 But sit down. 165 00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:11,370 Don't want to let the whole world know. 166 00:11:14,270 --> 00:11:15,890 Pass out, did we? 167 00:11:16,410 --> 00:11:18,270 No, not at all. 168 00:11:19,170 --> 00:11:21,010 Forget our arrangement? 169 00:11:21,910 --> 00:11:24,790 No. Find something better to do? 170 00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:29,110 No. Then we're the bloody, we're the bloody away. 171 00:11:30,930 --> 00:11:33,390 I'm very sorry. 172 00:11:33,790 --> 00:11:36,090 Not good. enough, Tom. 173 00:11:36,590 --> 00:11:38,370 I was one of the first of the modern women. 174 00:11:38,730 --> 00:11:42,330 I never had any problems setting the pace when it came to close encounters of 175 00:11:42,330 --> 00:11:43,330 the grubby kind. 176 00:11:43,610 --> 00:11:46,630 And in my time, like most fellas, I've had my knockbacks. 177 00:11:47,070 --> 00:11:51,630 And I didn't like them. So over the years, I've made damn sure I was onto a 178 00:11:51,630 --> 00:11:54,210 certainty before I issued the embossed invitations. 179 00:11:55,490 --> 00:11:57,950 Uh... I'm sorry. 180 00:11:58,530 --> 00:12:01,090 So where did you get to last night? 181 00:12:01,390 --> 00:12:02,390 The bathroom. 182 00:12:02,870 --> 00:12:03,870 In this country? 183 00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:09,640 Mine. I went to the bathroom for a pee. 184 00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:11,100 For 40 minutes? 185 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:12,360 Yes. 186 00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:15,480 But what did you drink, for God's sake? The Atlantic Ocean? 187 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:18,440 Tom? 188 00:12:18,740 --> 00:12:20,820 I don't want to talk about it, all right? 189 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:25,400 I didn't come to your party. I'm sorry I didn't. 190 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:29,260 That's all I have to say on the matter. And now I've got to go. 191 00:12:29,580 --> 00:12:30,580 Where? 192 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:31,840 Tom? 193 00:12:34,570 --> 00:12:35,570 What is it, Basil? 194 00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:40,030 Lorraine tried to swallow me whole last night. Oh, don't say that, Basil. What 195 00:12:40,030 --> 00:12:41,030 is the matter with Tom? 196 00:12:41,110 --> 00:12:42,570 She had a go at him, too. 197 00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:45,890 He's probably exhausted from rolling round the kitchen with her. 198 00:12:46,230 --> 00:12:47,630 Felt up, Basil. Oh, 199 00:12:53,990 --> 00:12:55,910 very charming. Very royal family. 200 00:13:13,500 --> 00:13:16,700 Washing. Just a bit of washing. You know, putting washing into the washing 201 00:13:16,700 --> 00:13:18,020 machine to wash. 202 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:20,339 You're washing? 203 00:13:20,340 --> 00:13:23,440 Yes, I'm washing. Washing? Washing. Yes, well, I think we're pretty clear on 204 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:24,440 that now. 205 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:28,440 And now for your next question and your chance to win a brand new lounge suite 206 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:30,700 and a holiday for two in sun -drenched Croydon. 207 00:13:31,860 --> 00:13:35,100 Could you tell the viewers why are you washing? 208 00:13:35,860 --> 00:13:39,000 Um... I want to get clean. 209 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:41,660 But it's Thursday. 210 00:13:42,220 --> 00:13:46,280 You only wash on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays with Jewish holidays as a 211 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:47,280 backup. 212 00:13:48,740 --> 00:13:49,920 Because? Yes. 213 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,980 Because I wanted to. 214 00:13:53,260 --> 00:13:56,400 Ah, so drunk you wet the bed. No, certainly not. 215 00:13:57,700 --> 00:13:59,160 Why did you ask that? 216 00:13:59,900 --> 00:14:01,080 Does something smell? 217 00:14:02,140 --> 00:14:03,200 Do I smell? 218 00:14:05,020 --> 00:14:08,920 Stop. For heaven's sake, think of the ozone layer. 219 00:14:10,830 --> 00:14:14,750 Thousands of Greenpeace sandalistas bicycling in here and dragging us off 220 00:14:14,750 --> 00:14:15,750 public humiliation. 221 00:14:19,230 --> 00:14:20,390 What are you doing? 222 00:14:20,970 --> 00:14:22,250 It smells of peat. 223 00:14:22,790 --> 00:14:24,350 Peat, peat, peat. Peat. 224 00:14:24,610 --> 00:14:25,449 Peat who? 225 00:14:25,450 --> 00:14:26,349 Peat bog. 226 00:14:26,350 --> 00:14:27,129 Do I know him? 227 00:14:27,130 --> 00:14:28,510 From hiking with Basil. 228 00:14:29,190 --> 00:14:30,970 I must take him to the dry cleaners. 229 00:14:31,930 --> 00:14:32,930 Hiking? 230 00:14:34,790 --> 00:14:38,330 He and Basil have never hiked anywhere except down the pig and bollocks or 231 00:14:38,330 --> 00:14:39,330 whatever the stupid huts are. 232 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:02,660 Why don't you do the same? 233 00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:08,260 Why are you whistling? 234 00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:10,120 Because I like to whistle. 235 00:15:11,420 --> 00:15:15,440 Oh, that damn blast. 236 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:17,320 Useless taps. 237 00:15:17,380 --> 00:15:19,740 Oh, come on, for goodness sake, I haven't got all day. 238 00:15:24,740 --> 00:15:25,840 Don't go sticking that. 239 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:30,160 Oh, is that the best you can do? 240 00:15:48,650 --> 00:15:49,650 Washing everything. 241 00:15:50,130 --> 00:15:53,050 He has got himself some tart. 242 00:15:55,370 --> 00:15:56,370 Tom? 243 00:16:00,110 --> 00:16:00,910 What 244 00:16:00,910 --> 00:16:09,590 are 245 00:16:09,590 --> 00:16:10,590 you doing? 246 00:16:13,010 --> 00:16:19,530 You have been putting up... aftershave on your willy. 247 00:16:22,470 --> 00:16:23,970 You have got a woman. 248 00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:28,070 Well, let's make sure you smell nice all over, shall we? 249 00:16:31,030 --> 00:16:32,030 Diana. 250 00:16:32,490 --> 00:16:34,870 Diana, for goodness sake. All right. 251 00:16:35,150 --> 00:16:36,150 Doesn't matter. 252 00:16:36,570 --> 00:16:38,050 I've got no claims on you. 253 00:16:38,410 --> 00:16:40,630 I'm not the jealous or vindictive type. 254 00:16:41,090 --> 00:16:45,310 If you want to whore around after some grubby little slut, then that's fine by 255 00:16:45,310 --> 00:16:49,150 me. There isn't another woman. Oh, don't give me that. 256 00:16:49,430 --> 00:16:51,010 You come home last night. 257 00:16:51,250 --> 00:16:54,670 You avoid the glorious pleasures of my bed. And why was that? 258 00:16:55,510 --> 00:16:58,790 Well... Because you had already given at the office, hadn't you? 259 00:16:59,030 --> 00:17:02,570 By the time my bid was through, you were already sexually bankrupt. 260 00:17:04,329 --> 00:17:06,710 God, I feel so humiliated. 261 00:17:07,450 --> 00:17:08,450 How old is she? 262 00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:13,250 Diana, you must understand... Like doing clean undies? 263 00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:19,040 the pillaging of marks and sparks and the great dollops of aftershave on the 264 00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:20,040 fella. 265 00:17:20,420 --> 00:17:21,839 I can explain. 266 00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:23,160 Well, all right, then, go on. 267 00:17:23,540 --> 00:17:24,920 What? Explain. 268 00:17:25,660 --> 00:17:32,540 Well, I... I can't explain. 269 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:33,760 No, I bet you can't. 270 00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:36,920 Regimental reunion, my bum. 271 00:17:38,740 --> 00:17:39,740 Wait a minute. 272 00:17:42,220 --> 00:17:45,120 Her name is Lorraine, isn't it? 273 00:17:45,750 --> 00:17:51,230 Lorraine? Basil was mumbling about you and he having a bit of a pedal with a 274 00:17:51,230 --> 00:17:52,570 bike called Lorraine. 275 00:17:53,870 --> 00:17:55,230 Lorraine is a python. 276 00:17:55,490 --> 00:17:57,310 Oh, yes, I'll bet she is. 277 00:17:57,750 --> 00:18:00,110 In the kitchen. 278 00:18:00,490 --> 00:18:05,950 Oh, a really class act. You have taken up with a tart who has had half the 279 00:18:05,950 --> 00:18:11,490 regiment in the kitchen. Well, good bloody luck to you. I am now going to go 280 00:18:11,490 --> 00:18:16,590 strangle Basil, and when I get back, I expect that you will have... and shipped 281 00:18:16,590 --> 00:18:17,910 out of my house. 282 00:18:20,430 --> 00:18:24,830 But... it's my house. 283 00:18:40,070 --> 00:18:42,130 Oh, it's you. 284 00:18:44,460 --> 00:18:45,460 Who are you expecting? 285 00:18:46,580 --> 00:18:48,640 Mormons. And you were going to shoot? 286 00:18:49,300 --> 00:18:53,680 And Jehovah's Witnesses, and Hare Krishna, and most of all, those 287 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:55,260 kids who sell oven gloves. 288 00:18:55,460 --> 00:18:57,780 I'll shoot anyone who wakes me up. 289 00:18:58,420 --> 00:19:00,100 It is 3 p .m. 290 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:02,540 So what are you, the speaking clock? 291 00:19:03,820 --> 00:19:05,540 Is Geoffrey at home? Hi, Dad. 292 00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:07,360 What's up, Geoffrey? 293 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:11,140 Marion's just been outlining her shooting season to me. Don't worry, Dad, 294 00:19:11,140 --> 00:19:12,140 not loaded. 295 00:19:18,220 --> 00:19:19,280 Was it something you wanted, Dad? 296 00:19:19,860 --> 00:19:22,600 Diana thinks I was taken up with a python called Lorraine. 297 00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:25,040 Why don't we go down to the pub, Dad? 298 00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:26,280 Good idea. 299 00:19:26,300 --> 00:19:27,300 I meant me and Dad. 300 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:28,459 Could that be silly? 301 00:19:28,460 --> 00:19:29,980 I haven't had a drink since who? 302 00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:33,000 But... Could we step on it, please? 303 00:19:38,340 --> 00:19:40,060 Did you want something, Diana? 304 00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,580 Yes. What did Tom and you get up to last night? 305 00:19:42,780 --> 00:19:46,000 Just the usual regimental piss -up and bum -flashing night. 306 00:19:47,950 --> 00:19:49,450 What about Lorraine? 307 00:19:49,930 --> 00:19:51,470 Oh, you heard about that. 308 00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:52,690 What happened? 309 00:19:53,030 --> 00:19:54,730 She had a go at us in the kitchen. 310 00:19:54,990 --> 00:19:55,990 Oh, did she? 311 00:19:56,230 --> 00:20:00,390 She spotted me with my head in the fridge and jumped me from behind. 312 00:20:02,590 --> 00:20:06,210 She was on the rampage. Nearly squeezed the life out of me. 313 00:20:06,410 --> 00:20:07,410 And Tom? 314 00:20:07,590 --> 00:20:12,710 I'd have been a goner if Tom hadn't dragged her off to the larder and given 315 00:20:12,710 --> 00:20:13,710 a quick one -two. 316 00:20:16,010 --> 00:20:17,790 I thought you wanted to know what happened. 317 00:20:18,030 --> 00:20:22,890 Well, I don't. I think that you and Tom are the most disgusting pair of 318 00:20:22,890 --> 00:20:24,610 degenerates I have ever come across. 319 00:20:26,290 --> 00:20:27,430 Don't you worry, Iris. 320 00:20:28,010 --> 00:20:30,250 I'm much more degenerate than Tom. 321 00:20:34,430 --> 00:20:35,430 Marion. 322 00:20:41,090 --> 00:20:42,250 Dan, where have you been? 323 00:20:42,730 --> 00:20:43,790 Just to the gents. 324 00:20:44,300 --> 00:20:45,840 Did you write a novel while you were there? 325 00:20:46,220 --> 00:20:47,960 No. I got you a pint. 326 00:20:49,820 --> 00:20:50,820 Oh, dear. 327 00:20:51,020 --> 00:20:52,900 Will you excuse me, Geoffrey? 328 00:20:57,100 --> 00:20:57,940 I've thought 329 00:20:57,940 --> 00:21:08,240 of 330 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:09,540 some lovely names. 331 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:12,500 Tarquin and Justin and... 332 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,000 Trixie Bell. 333 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:17,340 Trixie Bell Baines. 334 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:20,680 Hello, Diana. 335 00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:23,680 Jane, what are you doing? 336 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:25,780 Harvey is feeling stressed. 337 00:21:26,300 --> 00:21:31,260 Oh, and you're strangling him. Thank you, Diana. 338 00:21:32,140 --> 00:21:35,340 What do you want, or are you just on a random eye -poking expedition? 339 00:21:35,900 --> 00:21:37,100 I want to complain. 340 00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:39,400 Oh, well, what a surprise. How unusual. 341 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:42,420 Diana Trent wants to complain. Well, well, well, what a shock. 342 00:21:43,310 --> 00:21:44,450 Shut up, you gibbering idiot. 343 00:21:45,210 --> 00:21:46,670 He's not a gibbering idiot. 344 00:21:46,990 --> 00:21:49,750 He's been cured of gibbering. He's just an idiot now. 345 00:21:50,410 --> 00:21:51,690 Shut up, Gibber. 346 00:21:53,210 --> 00:21:54,530 Well, what is it this time? 347 00:21:54,950 --> 00:21:59,170 Are you aware that some of the inmates of this place are availing themselves of 348 00:21:59,170 --> 00:22:00,170 a local harlot? 349 00:22:00,770 --> 00:22:01,870 Really? What's she like? 350 00:22:02,230 --> 00:22:04,670 I have to know the full story. 351 00:22:04,890 --> 00:22:06,070 Do you have her number? 352 00:22:06,470 --> 00:22:08,610 Harvey! Look, it's just academic interest. 353 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,880 Now, which residents are paying for what's so freely available right here? 354 00:22:14,060 --> 00:22:15,080 Tom and Basil. 355 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:17,840 Basil, possibly, but... But not Tom. 356 00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:21,120 He's a proper gentleman with impeccable taste. 357 00:22:21,580 --> 00:22:22,680 Well, in most areas. 358 00:22:24,540 --> 00:22:28,880 Yes, well, obviously he has been led astray by a village slattern who seems 359 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:31,060 have the sexual appetite of a randy anaconda. 360 00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:32,560 Are you sure you haven't got her number? 361 00:22:32,980 --> 00:22:36,380 I'm sure the police know who she is, so I suggest you get on to them and have 362 00:22:36,380 --> 00:22:38,680 this Saturday night special run out of town. 363 00:22:39,470 --> 00:22:42,410 Preferably tarred and feathered, but I will accept a pair of broken legs. 364 00:22:42,750 --> 00:22:44,090 Why have you got a name there? 365 00:22:44,510 --> 00:22:46,850 She's called Lorraine. 366 00:22:47,810 --> 00:22:51,630 It's called Lorraine? Is she on the game round here? 367 00:22:52,730 --> 00:22:55,490 She teaches piccolo in Walthamstow. 368 00:22:55,870 --> 00:23:00,110 Look, it's a common name these days. Even old Quocky's python is called 369 00:23:00,110 --> 00:23:01,110 Lorraine. What? 370 00:23:01,330 --> 00:23:07,370 Mr Quock, his snake, the python, he's called it Lorraine, but not after my... 371 00:23:10,030 --> 00:23:11,810 all in the kitchen last night. 372 00:23:12,010 --> 00:23:13,290 Oh, my God. 373 00:23:14,330 --> 00:23:18,490 What is it? Nothing, nothing. I seem to have strayed into a French... 374 00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:42,360 a bit tense than holding it too hard. Of course I did. 375 00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:45,400 Look, I could shake it around all over the place. 376 00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:47,620 But you're not doing that, Dan. 377 00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:48,840 Oh, sorry. 378 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:50,680 And I've lost control of it, too. 379 00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:52,240 It dribbles. 380 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:55,500 I don't know anything about this. Why don't you see a doctor? 381 00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:58,800 A doctor? Or a plumber, maybe. But not me, eh? 382 00:23:59,620 --> 00:24:03,260 I mean, this sort of situation here could be misconstrued by certain people. 383 00:24:03,940 --> 00:24:05,320 Come on, let's go. 384 00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:12,079 I can explain. 385 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:15,860 The man I was in there with, this man, is my father. 386 00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:18,160 Just showing him my John Thomas. 387 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:19,559 Oh, 388 00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:25,780 Geoffrey! 389 00:24:26,540 --> 00:24:29,260 They had to catheterise him. What's that? 390 00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:35,100 Oh, he had a blockage in his waterworks, which eventually became so agonising 391 00:24:35,100 --> 00:24:36,560 that they had to drain him. 392 00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:38,040 How else did they do that? 393 00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:39,640 Oh, they run a tube. 394 00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:41,480 Straight up his watsit into the bladder. 395 00:24:44,620 --> 00:24:49,540 In such pain, they could have used a red -hot poker and he'd have been grateful. 396 00:24:49,940 --> 00:24:50,940 Do you mind? 397 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:53,260 That's a wimp. 398 00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:55,500 So what is causing this blockage? 399 00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:57,400 Quack's checking him out now. 400 00:24:57,800 --> 00:24:58,800 Oh, God. 401 00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:01,620 I was so mean to him. 402 00:25:02,260 --> 00:25:06,500 He and Basil were just harmlessly hanging from the fixtures and fittings 403 00:25:06,500 --> 00:25:08,100 sticking their arses out of windows. 404 00:25:09,870 --> 00:25:14,130 He started dousing his privates with aftershave and talking about having a 405 00:25:14,130 --> 00:25:15,930 rumble with a Lorraine in the kitchen. 406 00:25:16,950 --> 00:25:18,570 Well, I leapt to the wrong conclusions. 407 00:25:19,670 --> 00:25:23,770 Well, how was I to know the bloody python was called Lorraine? 408 00:25:23,990 --> 00:25:26,390 I mean, where did Kwaki get a name like that from? 409 00:25:26,610 --> 00:25:28,890 I mean, something disgusting in Korean. 410 00:25:29,130 --> 00:25:30,730 Well, I mean, it's hardly my fault, is it? 411 00:25:32,490 --> 00:25:35,430 Am I in your nightmare, or are you not? 412 00:25:46,649 --> 00:25:49,090 I'm so sorry. I didn't realise. 413 00:25:49,890 --> 00:25:51,450 Probably because I couldn't tell you. 414 00:25:51,930 --> 00:25:53,630 Precisely, silly old fool. 415 00:25:54,050 --> 00:25:56,430 Why couldn't you tell me what was wrong with you? 416 00:25:56,830 --> 00:25:58,110 I was embarrassed. 417 00:26:00,010 --> 00:26:01,470 So what is wrong with you? 418 00:26:01,790 --> 00:26:04,770 Well, Quack conducted a fairly basic test. 419 00:26:05,130 --> 00:26:06,130 What was that? 420 00:26:06,350 --> 00:26:10,270 Well, um... Let's say he had gloves on, shall we? 421 00:26:11,710 --> 00:26:13,530 Just wait for a moment, he said. 422 00:26:14,130 --> 00:26:15,790 Come on, Tom. Come and sit down. 423 00:26:24,639 --> 00:26:27,460 I'm sorry that I ranted at you. That's all right. 424 00:26:27,660 --> 00:26:28,720 Quite funny, really. 425 00:26:29,820 --> 00:26:30,820 Yes. 426 00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:33,760 I'm sure it'll be all right. 427 00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:36,200 Just part of the getting creaky process. 428 00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:41,480 Probably the direct result of sticking a bum out of the window on a chilly 429 00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:43,220 evening. I expect so. 430 00:26:44,260 --> 00:26:45,620 You'll be laughing in five minutes. 431 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,220 Nothing serious ever happens to you. 432 00:26:49,540 --> 00:26:50,580 Except me, of course. 433 00:26:55,820 --> 00:26:59,260 I promise to snuff it before you do, OK? 434 00:27:00,660 --> 00:27:04,820 And as I have no intention of buggering off for some years yet, I know that 435 00:27:04,820 --> 00:27:05,820 you'll be just fine. 436 00:27:08,580 --> 00:27:09,980 Be angry, Tom. 437 00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:13,120 Two razorblades kick rocks, but be angry. 438 00:27:17,100 --> 00:27:18,100 Mr Ballard. 439 00:27:20,060 --> 00:27:21,060 Back in a sec. 440 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:22,920 Don't be silly. 441 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:25,560 I'm not going to miss this. 442 00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:31,460 I am his European attorney, so watch yourself. 443 00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:35,120 She is my common wife. 444 00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:37,720 Common law wife, if you don't mind. 445 00:27:39,220 --> 00:27:40,660 Spill the beans, haven't got all day.