1 00:00:46,700 --> 00:00:53,020 We three kings of Orléans are, one in a taxi, one in a car, one a scooter, 2 00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:56,520 blowing his hooter, following yonder star. 3 00:00:57,980 --> 00:01:04,239 Star of wonder, star of light, star with royal beauty bright, 4 00:01:04,540 --> 00:01:10,760 westward leading, still more speeding, guide us to thy perfect light. 5 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:23,280 Christmas night in the workhouse. 6 00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:29,720 Hello, Diana. 7 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:33,300 And a merry season's greetings to you, too. 8 00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:39,320 I said a merry season's greetings to you, too, Diana. 9 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:47,400 So I think... Got our earplugs in, have we? I can't hear you. 10 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,040 I've got my earplugs in. How long for? 11 00:01:53,479 --> 00:01:55,480 I... I said, how long before? 12 00:01:55,740 --> 00:01:59,980 Until the puke -making, shattering, dirty, dewy -eyed, groveling, soppy 13 00:01:59,980 --> 00:02:01,580 Christmas can is when I'm truly over. 14 00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:03,280 Now, go away. 15 00:02:03,420 --> 00:02:06,540 I can smell the skunk urine you use as aftershave. 16 00:02:08,259 --> 00:02:09,560 Well, guess what, Diana? 17 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:14,700 Just for Christmas, Harvey's going to get Mr. Cork, our homicidal chef, to 18 00:02:14,700 --> 00:02:19,640 you up, fry the bits in dirty oil, and feed you to the rest of the boring old 19 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:20,640 croaks round here. 20 00:02:23,340 --> 00:02:24,340 who was serving with me. 21 00:02:31,620 --> 00:02:36,340 Is Diana going to keep up this unremitting gloom again this Christmas? 22 00:02:36,580 --> 00:02:37,580 Not a chance. 23 00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:40,660 Got just the thing to cheer her up with, though. Oh, what's that? 24 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:46,220 A red costume with a jolly white beard. 25 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:49,120 What do you think it is? 26 00:02:49,340 --> 00:02:52,400 I think you're going to dress up as a tomato with a fungal growth. 27 00:02:55,150 --> 00:02:58,370 Why don't you take your mistletoe and chase your women? 28 00:02:59,270 --> 00:03:02,150 You should try it. They never say no at Christmas. 29 00:03:03,670 --> 00:03:06,970 I think I'll stick to my tomato outfit. 30 00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:17,730 Ho, ho, ho! 31 00:03:18,210 --> 00:03:19,590 What do you think of this? 32 00:03:20,810 --> 00:03:21,769 Oh, look. 33 00:03:21,770 --> 00:03:24,350 Here's an article about an accident on the M1 last night. 34 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:29,400 A juggernaut ploughed head -on into a large wooden vehicle which appeared to 35 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:30,400 have no wheels. 36 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:36,880 Injured were eight reindeer and a silly old fool dressed in a red costume and a 37 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:37,880 white beard. 38 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:48,080 Ah, kissy -kissy. 39 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:49,520 Get off, Basil. 40 00:03:49,780 --> 00:03:50,780 Well, it's Christmas. 41 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:52,800 Kissing under the mistletoe time. 42 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:54,360 Christmas spirit, Jane. 43 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:55,640 All right. 44 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:57,440 You can kiss my pussycat. 45 00:03:58,020 --> 00:03:59,020 Who's that? 46 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:00,980 Willem. A boy? 47 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:02,520 What do you take me for? 48 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,020 A dirty old man. 49 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:06,880 Now, don't stop harassing the lady. 50 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:09,160 And go and help with the decorations. 51 00:04:23,820 --> 00:04:27,920 There should be an alternative non -Christmas for the bloody -minded and 52 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:28,920 at heart. 53 00:04:29,580 --> 00:04:33,220 I mean, how can you be a decent manic depressive with all these cretins all 54 00:04:33,220 --> 00:04:35,000 the place grinning at you all the time? Ah! 55 00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:38,180 Hello, Quokkie. 56 00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:40,740 What you got there, then? Elephant's bog brush? 57 00:04:42,260 --> 00:04:43,260 Christmas tree. 58 00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:46,300 Didn't know you people believed in Christmas. 59 00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:48,020 Sure we do. 60 00:04:48,340 --> 00:04:50,300 Why shouldn't chefs believe in Christmas? 61 00:04:51,740 --> 00:04:52,740 Quite right. 62 00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:54,460 Pardon my bigotry. 63 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:59,080 My children really looking forward to seeing Mr. Santa Claus. 64 00:04:59,540 --> 00:05:02,160 Oh, dear. Haven't they heard about Santa this year? 65 00:05:02,420 --> 00:05:03,420 What? 66 00:05:08,940 --> 00:05:10,440 What? Sorry. 67 00:05:11,460 --> 00:05:13,140 I don't believe you. 68 00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:14,640 No, it's true. 69 00:05:14,860 --> 00:05:16,080 Jane told me. 70 00:05:21,580 --> 00:05:23,560 Well, that's five people I've upset today. 71 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:25,420 Who can I have a go at now? 72 00:05:26,420 --> 00:05:29,600 A bit late to mug the postman. 73 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:33,700 I'd rather go down to the library, set fire to that nativity thing. 74 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,600 Snap the legs off those little lampposts. 75 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:42,480 Basil? 76 00:05:42,820 --> 00:05:43,820 Yes, Jenny? 77 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:45,460 Are you looking at my bottom? 78 00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:46,779 Yes, Jenny. 79 00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:48,160 Oh, that's all right, then. 80 00:05:48,570 --> 00:05:51,590 I thought you'd been looking a bit peaky this week, but obviously you're OK. 81 00:05:52,070 --> 00:05:53,890 It's just that I'm a bit exhausted. 82 00:05:54,250 --> 00:05:58,890 It's always the same at Christmas time. The wild women come from far and wide 83 00:05:58,890 --> 00:06:00,890 for Basil's special Christmas box. 84 00:06:01,270 --> 00:06:02,690 A world of his own. 85 00:06:03,410 --> 00:06:05,010 These are pretty tatty decorations. 86 00:06:05,610 --> 00:06:09,530 Yeah, they're last year's. Mr Bain said the entertainment budget's better this 87 00:06:09,530 --> 00:06:11,270 year. Really? What on? 88 00:06:11,510 --> 00:06:14,810 God knows. All you've had this year is that dreadful fat singer whose knickers 89 00:06:14,810 --> 00:06:15,810 fell down. 90 00:06:16,220 --> 00:06:18,020 And a magician whose rabbit got eaten. 91 00:06:18,340 --> 00:06:20,820 And a visit to the wet T -shirt contest. 92 00:06:22,140 --> 00:06:23,340 Wet T -shirt? 93 00:06:23,580 --> 00:06:27,720 Yeah, you remember that place where that Polish woman kept saying, hello, big 94 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,260 boy, and grabbing me near the regents? 95 00:06:30,540 --> 00:06:31,540 When was that? 96 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:33,440 Oh, perhaps you missed that one. 97 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:34,840 Hello, Jane. 98 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:40,120 Oh, you look so attractive with your nostrils all white and pink. 99 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:42,980 Don't worry, Basil, I am distressed. Why? 100 00:06:43,500 --> 00:06:48,880 Diana has just... told Mr Kwok, the chef's children, that Father Christmas 101 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:52,200 be coming this year because he's been arrested for shoplifting. 102 00:06:53,100 --> 00:06:55,700 Mr Kwok says we can forget about the turkey. 103 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:57,760 He's going to cook my cat. 104 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,180 But there won't be nearly enough to go round. 105 00:07:02,100 --> 00:07:03,100 Sorry, 106 00:07:03,580 --> 00:07:04,920 Jake. I'll talk to Diana. 107 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:08,220 Oh, never mind the talking. I've a much better idea. 108 00:07:26,919 --> 00:07:27,919 Battle? Knock, 109 00:07:35,660 --> 00:07:36,780 knock. Who's there? 110 00:07:37,020 --> 00:07:38,960 Tom. Tom who? Tom Ballard. 111 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:40,200 That's not funny. 112 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:41,340 That's what my mother said. 113 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:49,260 Hello, senorita. It is I, Elcord Dobies, the great bullfighter, steaming at the 114 00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:50,260 nostrils with desire. 115 00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:53,040 I'm not in the mood, Tom. 116 00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:56,840 Well, I am. I'm fighting fit and full of the joys. 117 00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:58,060 Can I jump in? 118 00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:02,000 Is that what you think it takes? A rush of blood and a rose between the teeth, 119 00:08:02,060 --> 00:08:04,840 and I'm going to break the habit of a lifetime and make love before lunch? 120 00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:07,960 Put a knot in it, Tom. 121 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,900 Well, you know what Masters and Johnson said? 122 00:08:11,180 --> 00:08:13,140 If you don't use it, you'll lose it. 123 00:08:16,940 --> 00:08:18,800 Use it? I bet they couldn't even find it nowadays. 124 00:08:19,940 --> 00:08:24,120 How about a cup of tea? Ah, that's better. Much more English. No sex, 125 00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:25,160 We're having a cup of tea. 126 00:08:25,820 --> 00:08:27,780 Cold battle. It was a silly idea. 127 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:34,760 Oh, do you know, I seem to get fewer and fewer Christmas cards each year. 128 00:08:35,580 --> 00:08:37,380 Probably because you don't send any. 129 00:08:37,940 --> 00:08:40,539 Probably because all my old chums are dying off. 130 00:08:42,669 --> 00:08:46,370 yet another muddy footprint along the corridor to Snuffsville. 131 00:08:48,050 --> 00:08:52,730 I've been meaning to talk to you about this appalling state of gloom you plunge 132 00:08:52,730 --> 00:08:53,750 into every Christmas. 133 00:08:53,990 --> 00:08:56,970 What about it? Well, have you ever considered that depression might be 134 00:08:56,970 --> 00:09:01,530 infectious? I suppose it could be. It is. It's driving us all up the wall. 135 00:09:01,810 --> 00:09:03,650 No, Diana, it's not fair. 136 00:09:04,030 --> 00:09:07,670 We can cope with the usual awful you, but when it comes to Christmas, you 137 00:09:07,670 --> 00:09:08,710 go into overdrive. 138 00:09:09,230 --> 00:09:13,490 At the first sniff of a Santa, you're out with a machine gun mowing down any 139 00:09:13,490 --> 00:09:16,870 little crocus of joy that might pop up in our dismal quagmire. 140 00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:18,830 Would you want me to change my personality? 141 00:09:19,210 --> 00:09:22,870 Do you want me to be dishonest? Just to pander to some half -baked feelings of 142 00:09:22,870 --> 00:09:26,270 holy humbug based on a somewhat dubious historical fact? 143 00:09:26,730 --> 00:09:30,310 Dubious? Jesus was born halfway through January. 144 00:09:31,210 --> 00:09:32,210 Been proved. 145 00:09:32,630 --> 00:09:36,090 And furthermore, the likelihood of a virgin birth... All right, all right! 146 00:09:37,130 --> 00:09:38,690 Be miserable if it makes you happy. 147 00:09:40,190 --> 00:09:44,510 The only thing I like about Christmas is our Christmas entertainers. Ah, well. 148 00:09:44,850 --> 00:09:48,430 I look upon their achievements as the high tide of human futility. 149 00:09:48,770 --> 00:09:52,670 Well, this year... I mean, how can you appreciate real despair until you have 150 00:09:52,670 --> 00:09:56,210 endured the man who eats matchboxes and lavatory paper while playing the nose 151 00:09:56,210 --> 00:09:57,210 harp? 152 00:09:57,330 --> 00:10:02,490 How can you really comprehend the full horrors of eternal damnation until you 153 00:10:02,490 --> 00:10:04,730 have suffered the man who shoves his hand up an emu's bum? 154 00:10:08,750 --> 00:10:12,790 Rumour has it that the entertainment fund is empty. 155 00:10:13,070 --> 00:10:16,510 What? But we've only had a rabbitless magician and a Nicholas Fatwoman. 156 00:10:16,730 --> 00:10:19,090 Precisely, but there is no money left in the fund. 157 00:10:19,330 --> 00:10:23,870 Do I detect a cash till plundered by the fishy fingers of our favourite fart 158 00:10:23,870 --> 00:10:26,730 face? Better check it out, number one. 159 00:10:27,070 --> 00:10:28,070 Carry on. 160 00:10:30,070 --> 00:10:31,690 To Harvey. 161 00:10:32,630 --> 00:10:33,810 Happy Christmas. 162 00:10:34,350 --> 00:10:36,170 Love, Harvey. 163 00:10:38,350 --> 00:10:39,350 To Harvey. 164 00:10:39,890 --> 00:10:40,950 Happy Christmas. 165 00:10:41,650 --> 00:10:42,770 Love, Jane. 166 00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:44,110 Yes, Harvey. 167 00:10:44,250 --> 00:10:45,350 Jane, I've been thinking. 168 00:10:45,590 --> 00:10:47,110 Oh, do you want an aspirin? 169 00:10:48,270 --> 00:10:51,610 I've been thinking what a wonderful person I am, Jane. Oh, you are, Harvey. 170 00:10:51,950 --> 00:10:54,250 I'm not sure you should be the one to say no. 171 00:10:54,770 --> 00:10:57,730 Well, you say it then. Oh, you're a wonderful person, Harvey. 172 00:10:58,090 --> 00:10:59,510 Again. You're wonderful. 173 00:10:59,770 --> 00:11:00,770 You see, I was right. 174 00:11:01,010 --> 00:11:02,390 It's a popularly held opinion. 175 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:06,080 Now, I was thinking that being such a great chap here was about time I did 176 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:08,900 something wonderful for all those people near and dear to me. 177 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:10,800 Who might that be, Harvey? 178 00:11:11,140 --> 00:11:16,900 My little flock here and, of course, my chief shepherdess, you, Jane. 179 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:19,540 You want to do something for me? 180 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:22,920 I do indeed, Jane. In fact, I'm going to ask you a question, and if you give me 181 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:26,180 the right answer, it'll make me a very happy man. 182 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:27,720 Oh, my goodness. 183 00:11:27,900 --> 00:11:28,899 What is it? 184 00:11:28,900 --> 00:11:31,480 In fact, the right answer could make us both very happy. 185 00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:32,760 Yes! 186 00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:42,720 Well, actually, Jane, I've already done it. What? 187 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:44,460 I did it this morning. 188 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:45,559 On your own? 189 00:11:45,560 --> 00:11:48,100 Well, it isn't that difficult. I just picked up the phone and ordered it. 190 00:11:48,340 --> 00:11:49,059 Ordered it? 191 00:11:49,060 --> 00:11:50,060 Ordered what? 192 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:51,440 Oh, 193 00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:53,040 you've ordered the ring. 194 00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:55,040 I've ordered my new jacket. 195 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,420 That's what I wanted to talk to you about. 196 00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:01,080 Don't you think it would make everyone deliriously happy to see their favourite 197 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:02,940 Harvey dressed in a snappy new jacket? 198 00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:06,940 What's the matter, Jane? It'll only cost 300 quid. 199 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:10,120 What are you snivelling about? 200 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:11,800 the offer to marry you. 201 00:12:13,860 --> 00:12:15,480 Right in one. 202 00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:19,960 Well, what can I do for you? Well, now, we're two floors up. There's the window. 203 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,120 See if you can work it out for yourself. 204 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:22,320 Thank you. 205 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:23,760 Thank you, Diana. 206 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:27,400 Always rely on you to come up with something totally unspeakable for 207 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:29,000 Which is why we are here. 208 00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:31,700 What's happening with the Christmas show this year? 209 00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:34,680 Ah. Well, who's coming down? 210 00:12:34,980 --> 00:12:37,720 There's a strong movement in favour of Des O 'Connor. 211 00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:43,800 Well, Jane likes him. Well, I think most of the women want the Chippendales. 212 00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:49,160 I've got a better idea, which I'm sure will meet with your approval. I doubt 213 00:12:49,380 --> 00:12:52,980 As you know, there is within me a strong, driving Christian ethic. 214 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:54,200 I think I'm going to be ill. 215 00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:57,880 And when the spirit of Christmas descends across the land like a blanket 216 00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:00,520 humility and kindness... Where's the chuck bucket? 217 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:05,360 Well, then I have this tendency to let the milk of human kindness flow from me. 218 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:06,480 Very messy. 219 00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:08,380 What have you done with the loop? 220 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:09,640 I... 221 00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:12,560 I've given it away to the poor and needy. 222 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:14,960 You've what? Yes. 223 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:17,960 Let's all hope they have a wonderful Christmas. 224 00:13:18,220 --> 00:13:21,340 Well, if it be true. Which is highly unlikely. 225 00:13:21,620 --> 00:13:25,560 Well, it is Christmas, the time for miracles. I find the virgin birth easier 226 00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:28,200 believe. You're Duncan Harvey. Here you are. 227 00:13:29,460 --> 00:13:30,460 £300 worth. 228 00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:31,680 Oh, boy! 229 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:33,060 Isn't it fabulous? 230 00:13:33,700 --> 00:13:37,440 Sting's got one of these. Now I'll be able to save rainforest and poor green 231 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:38,440 women. 232 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:40,220 How much did this rag cost? 233 00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:41,439 300 pounds. 234 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:44,700 And how much is the short in the entertainment fund? 235 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:48,060 Weasel bread. Now, just a minute. You don't think for a minute I would have... 236 00:13:48,060 --> 00:13:50,740 We don't think we know. You're a dead man, Harvey Baines. You are going to 237 00:13:50,740 --> 00:13:52,940 from the highest tree. But it was my own money. 238 00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:12,980 The entertainment fund. He admits it. He spent the entertainment fund on a 239 00:14:12,980 --> 00:14:14,800 jacket for himself. What do we do with him? 240 00:14:15,220 --> 00:14:16,220 Let him go. 241 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,600 Let him go. Let him go. 242 00:14:18,820 --> 00:14:21,040 No, no, how could you? 243 00:14:21,780 --> 00:14:23,360 This is Harvey. 244 00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:28,960 Our Harvey, who has led us all through thick and thin for so long. 245 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:35,820 This is Harvey, whose only interest in life is that his little flock should be 246 00:14:35,820 --> 00:14:36,820 happy. 247 00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:23,119 to the dogs. 248 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:24,240 Very light snack. 249 00:15:25,420 --> 00:15:26,420 True. 250 00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:30,160 We'd be in jail for murder. Nonsense. We'd be heroes. 251 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:31,760 Cut. 252 00:15:32,260 --> 00:15:37,040 We'd be setting an example to old age throughout the land. 253 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:41,640 You don't like the way your blood -sucking yuppie is running your home? 254 00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:42,640 off the North Tower. 255 00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:45,240 He could start a new national sport. 256 00:15:53,450 --> 00:15:55,170 Yes, yes, all right. 257 00:15:55,810 --> 00:16:01,570 As it happens, I have a droll little idea which might get our own back and do 258 00:16:01,570 --> 00:16:03,670 bit of Christmas good at the same time. What? 259 00:16:04,330 --> 00:16:06,830 I'm going to make Harvey's words come true. 260 00:16:07,290 --> 00:16:10,310 But are we going to get our Christmas entertainers? Oh, I doubt it. Who's 261 00:16:10,310 --> 00:16:11,310 to come down here for nothing? 262 00:16:12,030 --> 00:16:14,050 Even Death O 'Connor would want a cab fare. 263 00:16:15,250 --> 00:16:17,210 Well, if there's going to be no Christmas show... 264 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:21,080 I shall stay in bed till Boxing Day. Oh, you can't do that. Oh, yes, I can. 265 00:16:21,220 --> 00:16:22,500 Well, what about me? What about you? 266 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:27,820 Well, you'll ruin my crystals if you don't cheer up. I mean, you and I are 267 00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:29,500 last thing each of us are going to have. 268 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:36,000 I know that that may fill you with horror, but I need you to keep me going, 269 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:39,100 to shrink away, folding your paws in the back of a cave. 270 00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:43,040 I don't look upon the thought of you as my last lover with any horror, Tom. 271 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:44,280 Oh, good. 272 00:16:44,380 --> 00:16:46,160 But I don't look upon you as my last lover. 273 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,460 Well, why the seasonal gloom? 274 00:16:50,700 --> 00:16:55,300 Oh, just because, because of a million factors that I don't want to worry you 275 00:16:55,300 --> 00:16:58,140 with. But you must share the ups and the downs. 276 00:16:58,380 --> 00:17:01,400 No. You're too vulnerable, and I'm too English. 277 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:04,940 Too private, too self -contained. 278 00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:09,880 Even if we were wed tomorrow, I would still have my secrets and you yours. 279 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:12,099 Is there any chance of us being wed tomorrow? 280 00:17:12,339 --> 00:17:13,339 No, there bloody well isn't. 281 00:17:14,540 --> 00:17:16,160 Thank God for that. 282 00:17:20,270 --> 00:17:22,050 No one to play with. 283 00:17:23,310 --> 00:17:24,310 Right. 284 00:17:24,869 --> 00:17:25,970 Positive action. 285 00:17:34,190 --> 00:17:37,230 First fixed Harvey, then fixed Diana. 286 00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:38,950 Hello, Marion, yes. 287 00:17:39,150 --> 00:17:40,950 Is Tom here? Yes, how are you? 288 00:17:41,990 --> 00:17:43,150 You've done what? 289 00:17:44,250 --> 00:17:46,690 You've dropped your pills in the fish tank? 290 00:17:47,510 --> 00:17:52,170 Just a minute, just a minute. First, would you mind asking Geoffrey to take 291 00:17:52,170 --> 00:17:53,170 shopping? 292 00:17:53,250 --> 00:17:55,070 Now you can dive in and get them. 293 00:17:55,510 --> 00:17:56,510 Bye. 294 00:18:04,990 --> 00:18:05,990 Hello? 295 00:18:06,290 --> 00:18:07,290 Oh. 296 00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:09,330 An answering machine. 297 00:18:11,030 --> 00:18:12,030 Hello? 298 00:18:12,610 --> 00:18:14,150 Machine? Person here? 299 00:18:16,110 --> 00:18:21,610 Would you tell Sarah that Sir Edmund Hillary rang to say that her aunt has 300 00:18:21,610 --> 00:18:25,410 into a deep sulk and refuses to leave base camp and would she bring up the 301 00:18:25,410 --> 00:18:26,410 ultimate weapon? 302 00:18:38,150 --> 00:18:39,290 You coming with us, Jeff? 303 00:18:39,890 --> 00:18:40,930 No, I'll stay here. 304 00:18:41,950 --> 00:18:43,750 Oh, I slept through my siesta. 305 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,260 I'll just make a little nap in the back. 306 00:18:50,980 --> 00:18:52,020 Is she all right? 307 00:18:52,460 --> 00:18:55,160 She has pills to help her sleep and others to wake her up. 308 00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:59,180 Unfortunately, she dropped all the wake -up pills in the fish tank, so she tends 309 00:18:59,180 --> 00:19:00,039 to sleep a lot. 310 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:06,340 I really love shopping malls, you know, they're my kind of places. 311 00:19:07,460 --> 00:19:10,260 You know, a lot of people go on about Greenwich Village and the Left Bank, but 312 00:19:10,260 --> 00:19:11,260 not me. No, sir. 313 00:19:11,980 --> 00:19:15,680 Give me the sovereign shopping mall any day. Did you know that here we have the 314 00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:20,120 47th highest square footage devoted to DIY in the whole of the country? Who 315 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:21,780 needs a Sistine Chapel? Right. 316 00:19:27,020 --> 00:19:29,600 I mean, you really feel in the hub of things here. It's what we used to call 317 00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:30,600 groovy. 318 00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:36,900 I mean, I can just jive on down the mall and groove into Wilkins, Tuhar and DIY 319 00:19:36,900 --> 00:19:41,160 Centre. And in no time at all, I'm rapping with the guys about kitchen 320 00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:45,120 waterproof sealants, those little bendy things that hold wires to the skirting 321 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:48,780 board. I don't know how you stand the excitement, Geoff. You've just got to be 322 00:19:48,780 --> 00:19:49,499 hit bad. 323 00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:52,180 Yeah, get on down, you funky dog. 324 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:55,440 I suppose you'd rather pop in and check out the new Scandinavian pine corner 325 00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:58,540 unit. No, Geoffrey, I do have to think of my heart. 326 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:01,880 Right. And what are we doing here, then? 327 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:04,100 I have decided to do some good. 328 00:20:04,700 --> 00:20:05,459 Good what? 329 00:20:05,460 --> 00:20:06,460 Some good. 330 00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:10,390 Goodness. I want to enact an abstract. Be good. 331 00:20:11,510 --> 00:20:14,110 Oh, you mean buying your brown money into the plaster dog? 332 00:20:14,390 --> 00:20:15,730 A bit more than that, Jeffrey. 333 00:20:16,170 --> 00:20:20,010 I want to do two good things. Firstly, I want to cure Diana of her Christmas 334 00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:21,870 miseries. We just passed the gun shop. 335 00:20:24,210 --> 00:20:29,110 And secondly, I want to help someone. Not sing about it or talk about it, but 336 00:20:29,110 --> 00:20:30,550 actually do it. 337 00:20:30,750 --> 00:20:32,730 That sounds a bit like socialism, Dan. 338 00:20:33,190 --> 00:20:34,950 Jesus probably wants a bit of a socialist. 339 00:20:35,350 --> 00:20:36,870 Yes, but he didn't live around here, did he? 340 00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:40,540 I mean, he didn't really comprehend the concept of the welfare state, whereby we 341 00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:43,180 all pay our taxes and the state looks after those who are having a bit of a 342 00:20:43,180 --> 00:20:44,180 rough trough. 343 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:46,120 You mean like those two down there? 344 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,980 They're just faking it, Dad. 345 00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:55,380 After they've picked up a hundred quid or so, they'll pop round the corner, get 346 00:20:55,380 --> 00:20:59,700 into decent clothes, jump into their Saab turbos and nip off to the golf 347 00:21:00,389 --> 00:21:04,970 Probably right, Geoffrey. I expect all those cardboard city folk are just 348 00:21:04,970 --> 00:21:06,890 eccentric millionaires on the lam. 349 00:21:07,150 --> 00:21:08,150 Right. 350 00:21:08,450 --> 00:21:11,830 Geoffrey, I want to buy a couple of Christmas presents, so why don't you go 351 00:21:11,830 --> 00:21:14,270 have a quick snort of pine resin and I'll meet you at the car. 352 00:21:14,510 --> 00:21:15,670 Oh, right, eh? Great. 353 00:21:16,550 --> 00:21:18,950 Might even treat myself to a couple of oatmeal brackets. 354 00:21:21,330 --> 00:21:24,130 I wonder if I could give up my only begotten son. 355 00:21:25,170 --> 00:21:28,050 Mind you, wouldn't want him back three days later. 356 00:21:40,300 --> 00:21:41,239 Back away, Mr. Quark. 357 00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:43,960 I show you. No Santa, no turkey. 358 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:45,800 You eat pussycat. 359 00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:51,760 Okay, Jane, all clear. 360 00:21:53,500 --> 00:21:55,380 This is all your fault, Diana. 361 00:21:56,180 --> 00:21:57,800 William's in fear of his life. 362 00:21:58,020 --> 00:22:00,320 Serves him right. Flea -ridden old mange bag. 363 00:22:01,940 --> 00:22:06,300 I thought you were staying in bed for Christmas. I have got a royal visitor. 364 00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:08,160 And here she comes. 365 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:15,640 Hot -ho, Antonio. 366 00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:17,880 Happy Easter. 367 00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:22,080 Hello, 368 00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:24,720 Auntie. Don't call me Auntie. 369 00:22:25,100 --> 00:22:27,660 Where's my great -niece? In the boot with a bottle of gin. What? 370 00:22:28,020 --> 00:22:29,300 She's right here. Here. 371 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,580 Oh, she's looking peaky. Oh, she's fine. 372 00:22:33,060 --> 00:22:35,620 Is that outfit warm enough? Oh, it's boiling. 373 00:22:36,260 --> 00:22:37,260 There you are. 374 00:22:37,340 --> 00:22:41,160 Her cheeks are very red. She's pleased to see you, for goodness sake. Right, 375 00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:42,160 what have you been saying? 376 00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:43,860 What are you doing here, anyway? 377 00:22:44,300 --> 00:22:48,360 Now, you take her down to your place, and I'll go grab the guest room. What? 378 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:49,760 You're not staying here? 379 00:22:50,100 --> 00:22:53,340 No, I'm flying to the moon. Just get her in out of the cold, please. 380 00:22:54,780 --> 00:22:57,460 There's nothing to grin about, you know. Not round here. 381 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:03,280 Antonio. 382 00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:05,040 Fertile bagage. 383 00:23:07,060 --> 00:23:09,140 Pronto, or I'll poke over your eye out. 384 00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:12,600 Come on, my little sweetmeat. 385 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:17,740 If you're good for your great aunt, we are going to go poisoning pigeons in the 386 00:23:17,740 --> 00:23:18,740 park. 387 00:23:27,620 --> 00:23:28,620 Help! 388 00:23:29,980 --> 00:23:33,580 Please don't hurt me. You can have all my money and my drugs. 389 00:23:33,900 --> 00:23:34,900 Oh, God. 390 00:23:34,980 --> 00:23:35,980 Help! 391 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:39,280 Had a good sleep, Marius? We're going to be killed. 392 00:23:41,450 --> 00:23:44,170 These are my new friends, Dave and Sally. 393 00:23:44,430 --> 00:23:45,750 How are you? I'm Dave. 394 00:23:46,110 --> 00:23:47,430 I'm Sally. Hi. 395 00:23:49,190 --> 00:23:50,190 Here we are. 396 00:23:50,650 --> 00:23:51,650 Look at this thing. 397 00:23:52,230 --> 00:23:54,450 Best plain veneer this side of Basingstoke. 398 00:23:54,930 --> 00:23:55,950 Good work, eh? 399 00:23:56,390 --> 00:23:58,550 None of your Eastern European rubbish there. 400 00:23:59,410 --> 00:24:01,030 Wonderful. I knew you'd like them. 401 00:24:04,910 --> 00:24:05,910 Dad? 402 00:24:06,430 --> 00:24:10,490 Yes? Are there two unemployed persons in the back of the Volbeck? 403 00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:13,520 What are they doing there, Dad? 404 00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:16,040 They're going to spend Christmas with us. 405 00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:17,400 What? 406 00:24:18,620 --> 00:24:21,780 Look, I'm most frightfully sorry, but there's been a bit of a mistake. 407 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:25,900 My father has a slight problem with the balance of his mind, so if you'd like to 408 00:24:25,900 --> 00:24:28,240 take this 50p and be on your way, I'd be most grateful. 409 00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:33,880 But we've lost our pitch now, and we've been invited by this gentleman and 410 00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:36,800 scholar to come and pass a happy yuletide with him. 411 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:41,000 But you can't stay with us. I mean, we had children and neighbours. 412 00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:43,320 Well, our house strained. 413 00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:45,400 No, you can't do this to us. 414 00:24:45,740 --> 00:24:48,520 But what about love and goodwill and helping your fellow man? 415 00:24:48,820 --> 00:24:52,080 Well, that's all very well on Christmas cards or burnt into small slabs of 416 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:55,300 Malaysian teak with a hot poker and tastefully displayed on your 417 00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:56,360 but this is real life. 418 00:24:56,460 --> 00:24:59,580 You can't just run around the home counties opening your doors and letting 419 00:24:59,580 --> 00:25:00,559 anybody in. 420 00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:01,560 Why not? 421 00:25:01,740 --> 00:25:04,380 The innkeeper let Mary and Joseph use his stable. 422 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:08,400 Yes, but he hadn't just put down a new easy -block parquet floor on his rotten 423 00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:09,400 stage. 424 00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:11,260 I'm sorry, Dad, it's just not on. 425 00:25:11,660 --> 00:25:12,659 I'm a Christian. 426 00:25:12,660 --> 00:25:13,680 I go to church. 427 00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:17,860 I put up the trestle tables for the fates. Marion fills all her used pill 428 00:25:17,860 --> 00:25:18,980 with jam for the handicap. 429 00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:23,700 I know there is a line, and I'm afraid you've stepped way over it. These people 430 00:25:23,700 --> 00:25:27,680 are not coming into our house. It's all right, Geoffrey. I was only kidding. 431 00:25:28,460 --> 00:25:32,520 I wouldn't condemn anyone to a Christmas to watch Marion chew her way through 432 00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:33,520 the tree decorations. 433 00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:35,480 You did that once. 434 00:25:36,220 --> 00:25:37,600 I've taken it to Bayview. 435 00:25:38,340 --> 00:25:43,060 Chad? You heard what he said. Put down, Geoffrey, and open all the windows. 436 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:59,480 Now then, my little Babaloo, would you like me to tell you a story? 437 00:26:00,460 --> 00:26:04,700 I don't know very many, but... Oh, yes. 438 00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:07,840 There's one about a dozy mole called Cinderella. 439 00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:12,260 She went to a ball, met some chinless prince who was so dumb he couldn't 440 00:26:12,260 --> 00:26:13,960 remember what she looked like, only her shoe size. 441 00:26:14,940 --> 00:26:20,240 Oh, yes, what about Snow White and the Seven Dwarves? 442 00:26:22,120 --> 00:26:23,800 We're not allowed to call them dwarves nowadays. 443 00:26:25,020 --> 00:26:28,120 Snow White and the Seven Vertically Challenged Persons. 444 00:26:29,060 --> 00:26:31,880 Never mind. 445 00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:35,960 Do you know, you're very beautiful. 446 00:26:37,230 --> 00:26:39,670 You're the only beautiful thing left in the world. 447 00:26:41,090 --> 00:26:42,090 Missy, wow. 448 00:26:42,310 --> 00:26:45,490 The itsy -bitsy bootable -est bundle in the whole wide world. 449 00:26:45,890 --> 00:26:48,670 With impy -dimpy -wimpies in your icky -chicky -winkies. 450 00:26:51,590 --> 00:26:52,830 Ugly little bruiser, isn't she? 451 00:26:54,530 --> 00:26:55,530 And she's grown. 452 00:26:55,750 --> 00:26:57,810 Well, they're supposed to. They're not bonsai plants. 453 00:26:58,570 --> 00:26:59,610 She smells, too. 454 00:26:59,990 --> 00:27:02,990 Oh, well, I'll take her over to the guest room. You move her one inch, and I 455 00:27:02,990 --> 00:27:03,990 will break both your arms. 456 00:27:04,150 --> 00:27:06,370 She is mine. You are but the thing what bred her. 457 00:27:07,310 --> 00:27:09,670 Goodness, an outburst of human feeling. 458 00:27:09,990 --> 00:27:11,370 I can feel, I can feel. 459 00:27:12,190 --> 00:27:14,730 Cynicism is merely the romantic's condom. 460 00:27:15,190 --> 00:27:18,710 It protects you from the terrible scourges of uncontrolled emotion. 461 00:27:19,310 --> 00:27:21,930 Why do you need to protect yourself from your feelings? 462 00:27:22,490 --> 00:27:26,590 When you've travelled the world, when you've seen humanity at all its awful 463 00:27:26,590 --> 00:27:30,970 excesses, when you've seen little things which would be like chubby chops here, 464 00:27:31,050 --> 00:27:34,910 dying of starvation after a life of three miserable weeks. 465 00:27:35,470 --> 00:27:38,930 You either protect yourself or you go under straight away. Diana! We do not 466 00:27:38,930 --> 00:27:41,970 that we are born in this black pudding of a country of ours. 467 00:27:42,530 --> 00:27:46,330 We should all be dragged by the scruff of the neck round the cesspits of this 468 00:27:46,330 --> 00:27:49,530 planet. That'd soon open our eyes to what's wrong with humanity. 469 00:27:50,490 --> 00:27:54,070 Half of us have no food or medicine, and the other half are worrying about 470 00:27:54,070 --> 00:27:55,090 something called lifestyle. 471 00:27:56,390 --> 00:28:01,310 Then to add insult to cosmic injury, once a year we all get together and talk 472 00:28:01,310 --> 00:28:03,810 about peace and goodwill to our fellow man. 473 00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:07,920 stuffing yet more food into our fat, overfed faces. 474 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:09,400 It's disgusting. 475 00:28:10,300 --> 00:28:12,460 The whole of humankind is disgusting. 476 00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:16,860 Well, I'm really glad I came. 477 00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:19,960 I'm sorry. 478 00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:21,000 No, it's right. 479 00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:23,860 But you can't suffer for everyone, Diana. 480 00:28:25,700 --> 00:28:27,880 Isn't that what Jesus was all about? 481 00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:30,920 I think he was better trained for it than you. 482 00:28:31,340 --> 00:28:33,320 And he had friends in high places. 483 00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:37,720 I know I'm a boring old cane who ruins everyone's life. Oh, it's not that. It's 484 00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:39,720 just we don't achieve anything. 485 00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:43,100 All you're doing is salving your own conscience. 486 00:28:43,580 --> 00:28:47,200 You hold up a banner saying I'm not part of the humbug, but you're not actually 487 00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:48,800 helping the people you're bleeding for. 488 00:28:49,880 --> 00:28:52,540 I wish you wouldn't see through me with such alarming clarity. 489 00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:56,620 So you're going to stop all this staying in bed for Christmas nonsense? Get one, 490 00:28:56,680 --> 00:28:58,060 darling. Why should I? 491 00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:01,180 Because if you don't pull it together... 492 00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:04,960 Princess Diana will go and see Santa without you. 493 00:29:05,340 --> 00:29:06,340 You wouldn't, would you? 494 00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:09,960 Bloody hell. 495 00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:16,700 So in the end, the guy says... So in the end, he says, I was just standing at 496 00:29:16,700 --> 00:29:19,500 the corner of the street, peeling an orange, when this guy came running round 497 00:29:19,500 --> 00:29:21,640 the corner, backward, and impaled himself on my knife. 498 00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:23,120 Eighteen times, Your Honour. 499 00:29:24,980 --> 00:29:26,960 I'm not sure about this. 500 00:29:27,480 --> 00:29:30,580 Oh, you know, another filly in the stable. 501 00:29:32,129 --> 00:29:34,490 Have we got any mistletoe left? 502 00:29:34,730 --> 00:29:35,910 I've burnt it, Basil. 503 00:29:36,270 --> 00:29:39,470 Oh, I just have to rely on my natural charm, I suppose. 504 00:29:40,590 --> 00:29:43,450 Hello, I'm Basil the Bonker. 505 00:29:45,490 --> 00:29:46,730 Steady on, Basil. 506 00:29:47,610 --> 00:29:50,390 Meet our two new guests, Dave and Sally. 507 00:29:50,690 --> 00:29:53,790 All right, now, Basil. Nice to meet you. Oh, you're Scots, are you? 508 00:29:53,990 --> 00:29:55,930 Do you know what I've got under my kilt? 509 00:29:57,010 --> 00:29:58,510 Your knees, I hope. 510 00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:02,340 Jane, call the police. 511 00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:04,840 Squatters have moved into my flat. 512 00:30:05,300 --> 00:30:07,000 That's your guess, Harvey. 513 00:30:08,160 --> 00:30:09,160 My what? 514 00:30:09,260 --> 00:30:10,219 Your guess. 515 00:30:10,220 --> 00:30:12,140 Tom found them in the shopping mall. 516 00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:15,080 He's put derelicts in my flat? 517 00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:17,360 Well, we'll see about this. Police, Jane. 518 00:30:18,420 --> 00:30:19,420 Excuse me. 519 00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:20,720 Excuse me. 520 00:30:22,340 --> 00:30:23,340 Who are these? 521 00:30:23,820 --> 00:30:27,580 Well, this is Dave, a musician of credit and renown. 522 00:30:27,820 --> 00:30:30,660 And this is Sally, who's agreed to be my concubine. 523 00:30:31,840 --> 00:30:36,560 What are they doing here? They're here to save your soul, Harvey. 524 00:30:36,900 --> 00:30:43,400 Did you not say that you had given the entertainment budget to the poor and the 525 00:30:43,400 --> 00:30:47,080 needy? I might have done. And then you happened to find out that, in fact, you 526 00:30:47,080 --> 00:30:49,720 had accidentally spent it on a new jacket? 527 00:30:50,420 --> 00:30:51,980 Sort of. Well, you're... 528 00:30:52,330 --> 00:30:56,190 Well, here's a chance to make amends. If Dave and Sally stay in your flat for a 529 00:30:56,190 --> 00:30:58,850 while at your expense, maybe God will forgive you. 530 00:30:59,550 --> 00:31:00,550 God? 531 00:31:01,210 --> 00:31:02,590 Well, Diana, then. 532 00:31:05,150 --> 00:31:09,670 If you show a smidgen of Christian charity, perhaps Diana won't get on with 533 00:31:09,670 --> 00:31:12,650 lawyer mates to come down here and skin you for embezzlement. 534 00:31:13,230 --> 00:31:14,510 It's blackmail. 535 00:31:14,750 --> 00:31:15,750 Fun, isn't it? 536 00:31:16,870 --> 00:31:18,190 I won't forget this. 537 00:31:18,670 --> 00:31:20,290 You make sure you don't. 538 00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:26,160 Thank you, Diana. 539 00:31:26,420 --> 00:31:27,640 It's all this nonsense. 540 00:31:28,300 --> 00:31:31,220 Dave and Sally are rehearsing the carol singing group. 541 00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:34,760 Jenny's leading, and they're all going round singing tonight. 542 00:31:35,300 --> 00:31:39,420 It'll all end in tears. They'll have rottweilers set on them, they'll freeze 543 00:31:39,420 --> 00:31:43,220 death, there'll be at least three coronaries, and the jolly Glaswegian 544 00:31:43,220 --> 00:31:44,580 will mug them for the takings. 545 00:31:44,860 --> 00:31:47,300 Why don't you go and play with baby Diana? 546 00:31:48,140 --> 00:31:49,460 Mr. Quark has eaten her. 547 00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:50,720 Oh, dear! 548 00:32:04,640 --> 00:32:05,640 Climbing Everest. 549 00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:15,500 Base camp to summit party. Base camp to summit party. 550 00:32:15,780 --> 00:32:19,580 Come in, Captain Tom. Blizzard approaching over... 551 00:32:19,580 --> 00:32:26,500 Edmund Hillary at base camp. Come in, summit party. 552 00:32:26,780 --> 00:32:28,580 Wind speed increasing. 553 00:32:32,780 --> 00:32:34,140 Have you gone right out of your mind? 554 00:32:34,360 --> 00:32:35,360 Back? 555 00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:36,820 Well, it's Thursday. We're up Everest. 556 00:32:37,300 --> 00:32:39,480 What are you talking about, up Everest? 557 00:32:39,860 --> 00:32:40,860 You're crackers. 558 00:32:41,220 --> 00:32:44,160 I was with the flying doctor at Wallandini Bay. 559 00:32:44,380 --> 00:32:45,820 Can we finish this conversation right now? 560 00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:48,540 I've got a frontal lobe collapse coming on. 561 00:32:49,960 --> 00:32:50,960 What do you want? 562 00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:52,120 God knows. 563 00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:54,060 Oh, yes, I wanted to say something. 564 00:32:54,260 --> 00:32:58,020 What? Tokenism. Pure tokenism. What is? These bums of yours. 565 00:32:58,260 --> 00:33:00,160 Bums? Am I multi -bummed? 566 00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:04,360 This hippie pair... who seem to have captivated our genteel brethren. 567 00:33:04,760 --> 00:33:06,300 Well, what about them? Well, they are tokens. 568 00:33:06,700 --> 00:33:10,420 You are all sitting around feeling all smug and worthy because you've managed 569 00:33:10,420 --> 00:33:13,400 drag in a pair of not -too -dangerous down -and -outs. 570 00:33:14,660 --> 00:33:18,680 I'm just doing my bit. Well, you are a fool, and you have no comprehension of 571 00:33:18,680 --> 00:33:20,180 human behaviour or human dignity. 572 00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:24,440 If I was that pair being patronised by a bunch of middle -class leftovers, do 573 00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:25,440 you know what I would do? 574 00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:28,620 I would rob you all blind and hit the road. 575 00:33:29,180 --> 00:33:30,660 Yes, but you're not normal. 576 00:33:32,260 --> 00:33:35,320 I shall carry my jewellery with me while that pair are around. 577 00:33:36,020 --> 00:33:38,880 But come on, don't just sit there. Go and get your coat. We're going Christmas 578 00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:42,280 shopping. I thought you didn't believe in the commercial piracy of the season. 579 00:33:42,480 --> 00:33:45,300 It is not for me. It's for the dwarf. 580 00:33:46,600 --> 00:33:50,480 We are going to see what's his name. Which particular what's his name? 581 00:33:50,840 --> 00:33:51,840 What's his name? 582 00:33:52,380 --> 00:33:54,440 The one who clashes with the bloody pillar boxes. 583 00:33:57,940 --> 00:33:59,740 You're going to have to get a bigger car. 584 00:34:00,270 --> 00:34:02,170 You could always put the baby on the roof. 585 00:34:02,510 --> 00:34:03,990 Do you want to die right now? 586 00:34:22,469 --> 00:34:24,790 Oh, look, she died out. 587 00:34:25,190 --> 00:34:29,030 We're going to go and see Santy Wanty. We're going to the Brotty Grotto to get 588 00:34:29,030 --> 00:34:30,030 some crazy wedgies. 589 00:34:31,070 --> 00:34:34,350 I don't know how to talk to babies, do I? That's how they do it in Doris Day 590 00:34:34,350 --> 00:34:35,350 movies. 591 00:34:35,969 --> 00:34:38,030 Just talk to Diana normally. 592 00:34:38,610 --> 00:34:40,850 Or she'll end up talking like Road Runner. 593 00:34:42,350 --> 00:34:44,030 Let's go sort out this Santa character. 594 00:35:07,850 --> 00:35:10,190 Yes, it'll be bloody Easter before we get in here. 595 00:35:10,590 --> 00:35:13,950 Well, as a lad, you didn't have to wait this long to see Santa. When you were a 596 00:35:13,950 --> 00:35:16,930 lad, there weren't five million Santas ripping you off on every street corner. 597 00:35:17,250 --> 00:35:21,050 Right. And when I was up Everest... You saw Santa flying past. 598 00:35:21,330 --> 00:35:22,550 Oh, were you there, too? 599 00:35:24,670 --> 00:35:25,970 The queue's moving now. 600 00:35:27,130 --> 00:35:28,130 Goodbye. 601 00:35:30,570 --> 00:35:32,550 Excuse me. We were ahead of you. 602 00:35:32,930 --> 00:35:33,930 You were not. 603 00:35:34,070 --> 00:35:36,910 Diana, Christmas spirit, don't upset the baby. 604 00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:38,940 Oh, so sorry, after you. 605 00:35:39,500 --> 00:35:40,640 Age before beauty. 606 00:35:42,980 --> 00:35:44,820 Isn't she a bit young to be seeing Santa? 607 00:35:45,260 --> 00:35:47,540 Why? Well, she won't know what's going on. 608 00:35:48,240 --> 00:35:53,780 This child is not only extraordinarily beautiful and of impeccable lineage, but 609 00:35:53,780 --> 00:35:56,740 she also has more brains in her little finger than your snotty little lump of 610 00:35:56,740 --> 00:35:58,260 ectoplasm has in its entire body. 611 00:36:00,240 --> 00:36:02,720 Well, go on, it's your turn. Come along, Derek. 612 00:36:03,460 --> 00:36:05,620 I'm a child, Derek. 613 00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:08,180 And she's got fat ankles. 614 00:36:15,140 --> 00:36:16,200 Come along, Derek. 615 00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:19,360 If you want Barbie doll, you can have Barbie doll. 616 00:36:21,420 --> 00:36:23,640 That's what happens when you call him Derek, dear. 617 00:36:26,660 --> 00:36:33,560 And what have we got here, then? Oh, what does it look like? It's a child 618 00:36:33,560 --> 00:36:34,560 you've been with. 619 00:36:34,660 --> 00:36:35,740 Her name's Diana. 620 00:36:36,620 --> 00:36:37,499 So is mine. 621 00:36:37,500 --> 00:36:41,760 She's named after me, aren't you? And you're the grandparents, are you? Oh, 622 00:36:41,820 --> 00:36:42,820 I'm Dickie Attenborough. 623 00:36:42,920 --> 00:36:44,460 I just got out of Curtis for the holidays. 624 00:36:45,280 --> 00:36:46,300 I see. 625 00:36:47,320 --> 00:36:52,080 And what does little Diana want for Christmas? Oh, she'd love a bunny rug 626 00:36:52,080 --> 00:36:54,740 some fluffy animals. Just a minute, just a minute. Here. 627 00:36:55,280 --> 00:36:57,800 This isn't Santa. 628 00:36:58,700 --> 00:37:00,080 Look, he's about 12. 629 00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:01,520 Mind. 630 00:37:04,040 --> 00:37:07,360 You pay a quid a head to come in here and stand in a bloody queue for hours 631 00:37:07,360 --> 00:37:10,740 Sadie's to call their children Derek and what you get at the end of it. Son of 632 00:37:10,740 --> 00:37:11,740 Santa. 633 00:37:15,020 --> 00:37:19,460 I am so very sorry about all this. Let go of me, you. You're a business. 634 00:37:21,100 --> 00:37:22,580 Kid! Kid! 635 00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:25,840 I'm so sorry about that. 636 00:37:27,720 --> 00:37:29,140 Well, I hope it all works out. 637 00:37:30,160 --> 00:37:33,850 Thank you so much, Diana. I have never... been so embarrassing all my 638 00:37:33,870 --> 00:37:37,590 well, it was a giant swizzle. Children deserve the Santa of their books and 639 00:37:37,590 --> 00:37:38,368 their dreams. 640 00:37:38,370 --> 00:37:40,190 You didn't have to push him off his throne. 641 00:37:40,430 --> 00:37:41,209 You did. 642 00:37:41,210 --> 00:37:44,190 Only because you were trying to hit him. Yes, well, at least for the rest of the 643 00:37:44,190 --> 00:37:45,810 day the children will have a proper Santa. 644 00:37:46,770 --> 00:37:47,850 God help them. 645 00:37:49,510 --> 00:37:50,950 And who do we have here? 646 00:37:52,830 --> 00:37:55,110 Simon. Come along, little Simon. 647 00:37:56,070 --> 00:38:00,150 Tell the real, the one and only, the genuine Santa Claus. 648 00:38:00,670 --> 00:38:02,310 What you would like for Christmas. 649 00:38:04,530 --> 00:38:07,290 Oh, you've got your trousers, haven't you? 650 00:38:10,690 --> 00:38:13,110 Hard luck. They've come to take Harvey away. 651 00:38:38,570 --> 00:38:41,470 of hippie gyppos into this place, you can expect to get robbed blind. 652 00:38:42,550 --> 00:38:43,970 Well, have they been thrown into jail? 653 00:38:44,670 --> 00:38:45,670 They've gone. 654 00:38:46,030 --> 00:38:47,030 Ah. 655 00:38:47,970 --> 00:38:48,970 Told you. 656 00:38:49,090 --> 00:38:52,810 Tokenism. Serves you right. Cleaned you out. Ho, ho, ho. Happy Christmas. 657 00:38:53,210 --> 00:38:55,270 Well, that's just the thing. They haven't cleaned me out. 658 00:38:56,030 --> 00:38:59,950 They've taken my gold puffings, but they've left me my old diamond tie pin. 659 00:39:00,490 --> 00:39:01,850 It's the same as anybody else. 660 00:39:02,370 --> 00:39:04,730 Basil's lost his platinum pen. Deirdre, watch. 661 00:39:05,190 --> 00:39:08,710 But there are no TV or videos gone, just something small and personal. 662 00:39:09,050 --> 00:39:11,510 Unmovable. Shove that lot in their pockets and they're away. 663 00:39:11,950 --> 00:39:13,850 Yes, well, I suppose you're right. 664 00:39:14,230 --> 00:39:18,590 But it doesn't seem to ring true. I'm a very fine judge of character. 665 00:39:18,930 --> 00:39:21,250 Nonsense. Anyone comes to the door, you let them in. 666 00:39:21,490 --> 00:39:24,630 Took us four days to get that double -glazing Jehovah's Witness out the 667 00:39:24,630 --> 00:39:25,630 building. 668 00:39:26,490 --> 00:39:28,910 I'm sure about Dave and Sally. 669 00:39:29,310 --> 00:39:33,010 Well, they didn't take anything of mine. It is all in... my bag and that is 670 00:39:33,010 --> 00:39:35,170 because I am not a sentimental old fool. 671 00:39:35,590 --> 00:39:39,170 Oh, Babaloo, auntie's coming, darling. 672 00:39:39,470 --> 00:39:41,350 All right, my little Babaloo. 673 00:39:42,110 --> 00:39:47,050 Well, I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so. 674 00:39:48,250 --> 00:39:52,570 And now I hope you all realise why the asylum shouldn't be run by loonies. 675 00:39:53,510 --> 00:39:55,310 Not that you're all loonies, of course. 676 00:39:55,730 --> 00:39:57,170 I am, I've got a certificate. 677 00:40:00,300 --> 00:40:01,640 What's done is done. 678 00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:05,600 And I don't want anyone to think that I'm pointing the finger of blame at Tom 679 00:40:05,600 --> 00:40:07,960 just because it was all his fault. 680 00:40:09,220 --> 00:40:13,020 I was just trying to be a bit Christian. I guess. But you ended up being a bit 681 00:40:13,020 --> 00:40:14,760 daft and stupid, didn't you? 682 00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:19,780 Anyway, Detective Sergeant Berry appeared to take details from all you 683 00:40:19,780 --> 00:40:20,780 people. 684 00:40:21,160 --> 00:40:24,080 I mean, they didn't steal anything from me, did they? Oh, no, no, no. They're 685 00:40:24,080 --> 00:40:25,080 not that brave. 686 00:40:25,120 --> 00:40:27,260 Harvey. Not now, Jane. I'm enjoying myself. 687 00:40:28,000 --> 00:40:29,000 It's your car. 688 00:40:29,260 --> 00:40:30,038 Well, what about it? 689 00:40:30,040 --> 00:40:31,540 Its little garage is empty. 690 00:40:31,920 --> 00:40:34,300 I think they used it to carry off the swag. 691 00:40:34,780 --> 00:40:37,460 Not my baby. Not my cabriolet baby. 692 00:40:40,740 --> 00:40:44,540 And they've taken little Diana's bunny run. What? They have stolen from my 693 00:40:44,540 --> 00:40:45,540 child? 694 00:40:46,180 --> 00:40:49,880 Come on, Tom. Come on, Mr. Policeman. Chop, chop. I want all the airports 695 00:40:49,880 --> 00:40:50,880 closed. 696 00:40:53,700 --> 00:40:55,040 Better come along now, son. 697 00:40:55,380 --> 00:40:56,960 We don't want any trouble, do we? 698 00:41:01,589 --> 00:41:03,810 Shopping, Mal. We'll start there. As many men as you can spare. 699 00:41:04,930 --> 00:41:05,930 What? 700 00:41:06,610 --> 00:41:07,569 Who am I? 701 00:41:07,570 --> 00:41:09,350 I am a taxpayer and a crime victim. 702 00:41:09,610 --> 00:41:11,690 Now get those men over there and cut the chat, please. 703 00:41:12,230 --> 00:41:15,770 You? I have put out an all -cars alert and told them to send back up to the 704 00:41:15,770 --> 00:41:16,509 shopping now. 705 00:41:16,510 --> 00:41:18,070 Fully armed, I trust? Naturally. 706 00:41:18,370 --> 00:41:19,370 Right, come on. 707 00:41:19,490 --> 00:41:20,490 Tom, 708 00:41:20,750 --> 00:41:22,010 you can work the siren thingy. 709 00:41:29,710 --> 00:41:32,750 I want you all to spread out and interview all the local shopkeepers 710 00:41:32,750 --> 00:41:36,510 get a lead on the known or suspected whereabouts of these villains. Excuse 711 00:41:36,530 --> 00:41:37,269 Miss Trent. 712 00:41:37,270 --> 00:41:39,330 I'm in charge here. Get on with it, then. 713 00:41:40,570 --> 00:41:41,570 Right. 714 00:41:41,670 --> 00:41:46,090 I want you all to spread out and interview all the local shopkeepers 715 00:41:46,090 --> 00:41:50,130 get a lead on the known or suspected whereabouts of these villains. 716 00:42:02,700 --> 00:42:03,700 the police once, you know. 717 00:42:03,760 --> 00:42:05,760 Really? What stopped you? 718 00:42:06,040 --> 00:42:07,040 Ladies. 719 00:42:07,180 --> 00:42:08,280 Told you they weren't silly. 720 00:42:08,980 --> 00:42:10,480 I had a criminal record. 721 00:42:11,640 --> 00:42:12,640 You too? 722 00:42:12,980 --> 00:42:16,200 Vietnam War protests. I chained myself to a police bus. 723 00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:19,700 Didn't look too good on the CV when I applied to join them. 724 00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:21,160 They never caught me. 725 00:42:21,740 --> 00:42:25,360 Forty years I've duped them. Forty years they've been tearing their hair out 726 00:42:25,360 --> 00:42:26,360 down at the yard. 727 00:42:27,000 --> 00:42:28,160 I'm a master criminal. 728 00:42:28,440 --> 00:42:31,300 No, you're not. Raffles, Moriarty, or a great train robber. 729 00:42:31,630 --> 00:42:36,490 They seek him here, they seek him there. The man with no name, the man with no 730 00:42:36,490 --> 00:42:39,410 face, the man with no dog license. 731 00:42:39,930 --> 00:42:40,930 Dog license? 732 00:42:41,950 --> 00:42:43,910 Get the SAS on to me. 733 00:42:44,250 --> 00:42:46,790 Tom, there haven't been dog licenses for donkey's years. 734 00:42:47,150 --> 00:42:49,490 Or donkey's licenses for dog's years, come to think of it. 735 00:42:49,910 --> 00:42:51,830 You mean I'm in the clear? 736 00:42:52,370 --> 00:42:55,150 Tom, you haven't owned a dog for years either. 737 00:42:55,530 --> 00:42:56,610 That's a good point. 738 00:42:57,630 --> 00:42:58,790 My God. 739 00:42:59,310 --> 00:43:02,930 A good lawyer, a thief of clemency, and I have the whole ghastly business behind 740 00:43:02,930 --> 00:43:05,950 me. All I have to do now is to find a 39th step. 741 00:43:08,570 --> 00:43:10,650 Jocelyn. My lovely Jocelyn. 742 00:43:10,890 --> 00:43:12,650 Please marry me once the war is over. 743 00:43:13,110 --> 00:43:15,610 And we have given one and the eye to Johnny German. 744 00:43:17,190 --> 00:43:22,710 Oh, God, I can't bear it. 745 00:43:23,090 --> 00:43:27,590 Gone into mixed movie overdrive. We're going to be seeing Spartacus by the time 746 00:43:27,590 --> 00:43:28,590 we get home. 747 00:43:29,310 --> 00:43:30,229 Hello, Diana. 748 00:43:30,230 --> 00:43:31,630 Oh, hello, Dave. Hello, Sally. 749 00:43:31,890 --> 00:43:34,710 What's going on, then? We are looking for the thieving little bastards who 750 00:43:34,710 --> 00:43:35,710 pinched all our stuff. 751 00:43:36,990 --> 00:43:38,950 And meanwhile, Tom is going loopy. 752 00:43:39,390 --> 00:43:40,490 Well, good luck. 753 00:43:40,830 --> 00:43:41,830 See you later. 754 00:43:46,550 --> 00:43:49,330 What are we doing here? 755 00:43:49,990 --> 00:43:53,230 According to the Big Bang Theory... No, no, no. I mean, what are we doing at 756 00:43:53,230 --> 00:43:54,570 this specific moment? 757 00:43:54,870 --> 00:43:58,730 Oh, helping the police find Dave and Sally. And who did I just speak to? 758 00:43:59,600 --> 00:44:02,680 That's a good point. Dave and Sally have exact doubles. 759 00:44:02,940 --> 00:44:04,400 Oi, ploddies! 760 00:44:04,760 --> 00:44:09,660 Come on, you blind, idle halfwits! Shake a leg, get your fat arses into gear! 761 00:44:09,780 --> 00:44:12,280 The tables have just taken off in a stolen car! 762 00:44:12,520 --> 00:44:15,940 Now, just hold on a minute, Miss... There is no time. Get on with it, man. 763 00:44:16,360 --> 00:44:17,360 Oh! 764 00:44:18,780 --> 00:44:21,660 Get up, you great, feeble woman! 765 00:44:22,040 --> 00:44:24,300 You just come along nice and quiet, Granny. 766 00:44:24,900 --> 00:44:26,020 Granny, me... 767 00:44:30,740 --> 00:44:34,280 assaulting a policeman is almost as bad as having no dog license. 768 00:44:35,420 --> 00:44:36,600 Don't worry, Diana. 769 00:44:37,220 --> 00:44:39,260 I'll get the best legal man around. 770 00:44:39,640 --> 00:44:40,640 Perry Mason. 771 00:44:41,160 --> 00:44:43,760 Make sure your cell has wheelchair access. 772 00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:47,500 You're hurting me. Get off. Get off me. 773 00:44:48,400 --> 00:44:49,400 Bloody fools. 774 00:44:49,900 --> 00:44:52,680 Couldn't catch a cold, let alone a hardened criminal. 775 00:44:52,940 --> 00:44:56,100 And I thought they were very reasonable considering the damage you did them. 776 00:44:56,160 --> 00:44:58,890 Reasonable? That policeman is pressing... charges. 777 00:44:59,090 --> 00:45:00,250 I think his wife insisted. 778 00:45:01,630 --> 00:45:02,630 Look. 779 00:45:03,370 --> 00:45:04,890 The getaway car. 780 00:45:05,370 --> 00:45:08,070 We'd better warn everyone before they're murdered in their beds. 781 00:45:35,980 --> 00:45:36,939 What is all this? 782 00:45:36,940 --> 00:45:37,940 We've all got a present. 783 00:45:38,180 --> 00:45:40,760 Well, what's going on, Diana? Harvey, your car is outside. 784 00:45:41,140 --> 00:45:44,500 I know it is, Diana. Just now the hoodlums stole it. It is here, so 785 00:45:44,500 --> 00:45:45,980 they are too. They are indeed. 786 00:45:46,320 --> 00:45:48,000 What? You mean you got them trussed up, then? 787 00:45:48,500 --> 00:45:50,580 It's only a present for you, Diana. 788 00:45:50,880 --> 00:45:52,740 Well, this is one of my sticks. 789 00:45:53,260 --> 00:45:56,520 And these are my cufflinks. And they gave me little Diana's bunny rug. 790 00:45:56,840 --> 00:45:59,340 And Esme's brooch and Harry's old watch. 791 00:45:59,940 --> 00:46:01,600 Everyone's got their things back. 792 00:46:02,830 --> 00:46:07,090 Well, in choosing to bestow my charity on Sally and Dave, once again I made a 793 00:46:07,090 --> 00:46:08,090 first -rate decision. 794 00:46:08,250 --> 00:46:09,690 What's going on about? 795 00:46:10,990 --> 00:46:15,870 Dave and Sally were just borrowing something from everyone. Then they had 796 00:46:15,870 --> 00:46:19,510 all wrapped up and gave them back to us as an extra Christmas surprise. 797 00:46:20,290 --> 00:46:24,690 Oh, bravo, jolly fine gesture. I knew I was right about them. It's called the 798 00:46:24,690 --> 00:46:26,050 spirit of the season, Diana. 799 00:46:26,370 --> 00:46:27,630 It's called feeding, Harvey. 800 00:46:28,110 --> 00:46:31,150 Never mind the mushy twaddle. They broke in here and stole stuff. They should be 801 00:46:31,150 --> 00:46:34,930 locked up and flogged. Well, you'll have to string me up, too. I got the keys 802 00:46:34,930 --> 00:46:36,430 for them. I was in on the heist. 803 00:46:36,790 --> 00:46:38,410 I think you're all happy about this. 804 00:46:38,750 --> 00:46:44,430 You see, Diana, it's a time for loving and a time for forgiving. 805 00:46:45,190 --> 00:46:46,450 I don't believe this. 806 00:46:47,110 --> 00:46:48,910 You're a load of wet willies. 807 00:46:50,490 --> 00:46:52,130 Keep it coming now, Dave. 808 00:47:02,410 --> 00:47:04,350 Oh, Miss Tillich! 809 00:47:04,670 --> 00:47:08,770 Lovely. They come in here and make Bob Cratchit look like Jack the Ripper and 810 00:47:08,770 --> 00:47:10,290 you all turn to sentimental goo. 811 00:47:10,710 --> 00:47:13,110 Lovely. Positively puke -making. 812 00:47:17,370 --> 00:47:24,050 Nice one, 813 00:47:24,250 --> 00:47:25,250 Corky. 814 00:47:34,890 --> 00:47:37,410 Come on, Diana, it's Christmas. Sing along. 815 00:47:37,770 --> 00:47:38,729 Sing along? 816 00:47:38,730 --> 00:47:42,650 I'd rather fit in a bath full of acid and bang nails into my head. You can 817 00:47:42,650 --> 00:47:43,650 borrow my hammer. 818 00:47:45,410 --> 00:47:51,070 Why don't we just slip away and have some good old -fashioned yuletide 819 00:47:51,470 --> 00:47:54,190 My goodness, it really must be Christmas.