1
00:00:20,145 --> 00:00:22,231
Yes, yes, I see you. Get in. Get in.
2
00:00:28,403 --> 00:00:30,739
Your mother's having another one
of her episodes.
3
00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:32,502
Last night, she went to see A Doll's House
4
00:00:32,574 --> 00:00:35,077
with a couple girlfriends,
and now she has ideas.
5
00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:36,912
I emerged from my sanctum, this afternoon,
6
00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:39,373
to discover that not only had she
not made me lunch,
7
00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:41,542
which is a meal I need in order to live,
8
00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:45,629
but she'd furthermore, locked herself
in the bedroom to weep... loudly.
9
00:00:45,837 --> 00:00:47,589
Now, it's one thing for a woman to weep,
10
00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:50,434
but when they do it at such a volume
you can hear it through the door,
11
00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:52,678
then you know they're doing it
just for the attention.
12
00:00:53,011 --> 00:00:56,431
Anyway, I was able to cobble together
a sandwich for myself,
13
00:00:56,515 --> 00:00:59,184
so, I'm the real hero of the story.
14
00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:03,897
It was a couple hours later
15
00:01:03,981 --> 00:01:06,275
when I realized I was on a good run
with my novel.
16
00:01:06,358 --> 00:01:09,820
I had this really interesting sentence
that kept going for pages and pages,
17
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:12,948
and I thought about how rare it is
to really get in the groove like that.
18
00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:15,075
How, most days, I can't concentrate
19
00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:17,995
because my idiot child
is blasting the television,
20
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:20,414
and it suddenly dawned on me;
hot cock on a rock,
21
00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:23,667
she never even picked up
the little noise and snot factory!
22
00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:29,798
So, here I am, being your mother,
23
00:01:29,881 --> 00:01:33,510
which I know is giving you all sorts
of mixed-up ideas about gender,
24
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,596
while your brain
is still loose and stupid.
25
00:01:35,721 --> 00:01:36,721
Just remember,
26
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:39,891
if you become a queer later in life,
this isn't my fault!
27
00:01:39,975 --> 00:01:43,645
Don't you sing no songs in your nightclub
act called, "My Daddy was My Mommy,"
28
00:01:43,729 --> 00:01:46,690
while gazing longingly
at a tangled string of pearls.
29
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:48,609
Pearls are for ladies, BoJack.
30
00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:51,862
Pearls are for ladies.
31
00:01:52,904 --> 00:01:54,698
You know Sunday is my writing day.
32
00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:57,951
Sundays are the one day
that are just for me and my craft,
33
00:01:58,035 --> 00:02:00,370
and still, you and the black hole
that birthed you
34
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:01,997
conspire to ruin it for me.
35
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,499
What am I supposed to do now?
Just go back to writing?
36
00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:07,044
I'm out of the zone now,
the whole day's shot!
37
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:09,379
All because of you
and that brittle wisp of a woman
38
00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:11,298
you made the mistake
of making your mother.
39
00:02:13,342 --> 00:02:15,719
No. It's not her fault.
40
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:17,763
She's doing the best she can, after all.
41
00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:20,349
It's just that...
you can't depend on women.
42
00:02:20,432 --> 00:02:22,100
You can't depend on anyone.
43
00:02:22,184 --> 00:02:23,544
Sooner or later, you need to learn
44
00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:25,646
that no one else
is gonna take care of you.
45
00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:28,523
That's what I learned
when I had to make my own sandwich.
46
00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:30,525
You can't rely on other people, BoJack.
47
00:02:30,609 --> 00:02:32,235
It's good for you to know that.
48
00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:34,529
And she's a good mother
for teaching you that.
49
00:02:34,613 --> 00:02:36,448
You've got a head start on most kids.
50
00:02:37,074 --> 00:02:38,992
You're actually very lucky.
51
00:02:43,622 --> 00:02:46,249
Thaaaaank youuuuu?
52
00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:44,433
So, I stopped at a Jack in the Box,
on the way here,
53
00:03:44,516 --> 00:03:48,645
and the girl behind the counter said,
"Hiya! Are you having an awesome day?"
54
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:52,733
Not, "How are you doing today?"
No. "Are you having an awesome day?"
55
00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:56,319
Which is pretty shitty because it puts
the onus on me to disagree with her,
56
00:03:56,403 --> 00:04:00,615
like if I'm not having an "awesome day,"
suddenly I'm the negative one.
57
00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:03,952
Usually, when people ask how I'm doing,
the real answer is I'm doing shitty,
58
00:04:04,035 --> 00:04:05,315
but I can't say I'm doing shitty
59
00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:07,473
because I don't have a good reason
to be doing shitty.
60
00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:10,876
So if I say, "I'm doing shitty,"
then they say, "Why? What's wrong?"
61
00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:13,628
And I have to be like,
"I don't know, all of it?"
62
00:04:13,712 --> 00:04:18,592
So instead, when people ask how I'm doing,
I usually say, "I am doing so great."
63
00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:22,053
But when this girl at the Jack in the Box
asked me if I was having an awesome day,
64
00:04:22,137 --> 00:04:24,806
I thought, well, today
I'm actually allowed to feel shitty,
65
00:04:24,890 --> 00:04:28,518
today I have a good reason,
so I said to her, "Well, my mom died."
66
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:30,896
And she immediately burst into tears.
67
00:04:30,979 --> 00:04:33,732
So, now I have to comfort her,
which is annoying,
68
00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:36,109
and meanwhile, there's a line
of people forming behind me,
69
00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:38,028
who are all giving me
these real judgy looks
70
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,831
because I made
the Jack in the Box girl cry.
71
00:04:39,863 --> 00:04:42,532
And she's bawling, and she's saying,
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,"
72
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,326
and I'm like, "It's fine. It's fine.
73
00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:47,746
I mean, it's not fine,
but, you know, it's... fine.
74
00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:49,915
And I would like to order
a Double Jack Meal,
75
00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:51,416
and I've kinda got somewhere to be,
76
00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:54,085
so maybe less with the crying
and more with the frying, huh?"
77
00:04:54,169 --> 00:04:56,880
And the girl apologizes, again,
78
00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:59,216
and she offers me a free churro
with my meal.
79
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:02,636
And as I'm leaving,
I think, "I just got a free churro
80
00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:04,346
because my mom died."
81
00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:07,599
No one ever tells you when your mom dies,
you get a free churro.
82
00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:12,604
Anyway, I'm sorry,
83
00:05:12,687 --> 00:05:14,731
that's not part of the...
All right.
84
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,191
Okay, here we go. Let's do this.
85
00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:19,736
Here I am, BoJack Horseman,
doing a eulogy, let's go.
86
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:22,405
Hey, piano man,
can I get like a, like an organ flourish?
87
00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:26,117
Nicely done.
You know, I was a little worried
88
00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:28,001
I wouldn't have the right
accompaniment today.
89
00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:30,831
I guess it's a good thing my mom
was an organ donor!
90
00:05:32,415 --> 00:05:34,292
What happened to the organ?
91
00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:36,878
Why don't you leave
the comedy to the professionals?
92
00:05:36,962 --> 00:05:38,755
Okay? This is a funeral, sir,
for my mother.
93
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:40,039
Can you show a little respect?
94
00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:43,300
I'll take it.
95
00:05:43,593 --> 00:05:46,137
Beatrice Horseman, who was she?
What was her deal?
96
00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:47,389
Well, she was a horse.
97
00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:50,559
Uh, she was born in 1938.
She died in 2018.
98
00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:51,935
One time, she went to a parade,
99
00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:55,021
and one time, she smoked
an entire cigarette in one long inhale.
100
00:05:55,105 --> 00:05:56,105
I watched her do it.
101
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,066
Truly a remarkable woman.
102
00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:03,280
Lived a full life, that lady.
103
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:07,784
Just, all the way to the end,
which is, uh, now, I guess.
104
00:06:08,493 --> 00:06:10,287
Really makes you think, though, huh?
105
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:14,791
Life, right? Goes by, stuff happens.
Then you die.
106
00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:17,752
Well, that's my time,
you've been great! Tip your waitress!
107
00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:19,756
No, I'm just kidding around,
there's no waitress.
108
00:06:19,838 --> 00:06:21,756
That's all I have to say about my mother.
109
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:23,466
No point beating a dead horse, right?
110
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:28,054
So... Now what?
I don't know, Mom, you got any ideas?
111
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:30,222
Anything?
112
00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:31,515
Mom?
113
00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:32,683
No?
114
00:06:32,934 --> 00:06:35,729
Nothing to contribute?
Knock once if you're proud of me.
115
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:40,442
Can I just say how amazing it is
to be in a room with my mother,
116
00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:43,904
and I can just talk without her telling me
to shut up and make her a drink?
117
00:06:44,029 --> 00:06:46,156
Hey, Mom. Knock once
if you think I should shut up.
118
00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:48,199
No? You sure?
119
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:52,078
I mean, I don't want to embarrass you,
by making this eulogy into a me-logy,
120
00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:53,955
so, seriously,
if you wanted me to sit down
121
00:06:54,039 --> 00:06:56,750
and let someone else talk, just knock.
I will not be offended.
122
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,127
No? Your funeral.
123
00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:01,421
Sorry about the closed casket, by the way.
124
00:07:01,630 --> 00:07:02,881
She wanted an open casket,
125
00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:06,009
but, you know, she's dead now,
so who cares what she wanted?
126
00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:07,510
No, that sounds bad. I'm sorry.
127
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:10,931
I think that if she could've seen
what she looked like dead,
128
00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:13,850
she'd agree it's better this way.
She looked like this.
129
00:07:17,228 --> 00:07:21,066
Kinda like a pissed-off toy dinosaur.
The coroner couldn't get her eyes closed.
130
00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:22,609
So, now her face is forever frozen
131
00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:25,403
in a mask of tremendous horror
and anguish.
132
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,405
Or as my mom called it, Tuesday!
133
00:07:28,740 --> 00:07:31,284
Tuesday! My mom called it Tuesday.
134
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:35,038
Hey, Mom, what did you think of that joke?
You like that?
135
00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:37,958
You never did care for my comedy.
136
00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:41,002
Here's a story.
137
00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:42,212
When I was a teenager,
138
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:46,007
I performed a comedy routine
for my high school talent show.
139
00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:48,134
There was this cool jacket
that I wanted to wear
140
00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:50,178
because it would make me
look like Albert Brooks.
141
00:07:50,261 --> 00:07:52,222
For months, I saved up for this jacket,
142
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:55,600
but when I finally had enough,
I went to the store and it was gone.
143
00:07:55,684 --> 00:07:58,728
They had just sold it to someone else.
So, I went home and I told my mother.
144
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,092
She said, "Let that be a lesson.
145
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:02,691
That's the good
that comes from wanting things."
146
00:08:02,774 --> 00:08:04,776
She was really good
at dispensing life lessons,
147
00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:07,612
that always seemed to circle back
to everything being my fault.
148
00:08:08,029 --> 00:08:12,075
But then, on the day of the talent show,
my mother had a surprise for me.
149
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:13,785
She had bought me the jacket.
150
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:17,455
Even though she didn't know how to say it,
I knew this meant that she loved me.
151
00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:20,000
Now, that's a good story about my mother.
152
00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:22,752
It's not true,
but it's a good story, right?
153
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:25,171
I stole it from an episode of Maude I saw
when i was a kid,
154
00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:26,881
where she talks about her father.
155
00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:29,718
I remember when I saw it,
thinking that's the kind of story
156
00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:32,095
I want to tell
about my parents when they die.
157
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:34,180
But I don't have any stories like that.
158
00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:37,350
All I know about being good
I learned from TV.
159
00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:40,562
And in TV, flawed characters
are constantly showing people they care
160
00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:42,272
with these surprising grand gestures.
161
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:45,984
And I think that part of me
still believes that's what love is.
162
00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:48,903
But in real life,
the big gesture isn't enough.
163
00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:51,698
You need to be consistent,
you need to be dependably good.
164
00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:54,741
You can't just screw everything up,
and then take a boat out into the ocean
165
00:08:54,784 --> 00:08:57,454
to save your best friend,
or solve a mystery, and fly to Kansas.
166
00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:01,249
You need to do it every day,
which is so... hard.
167
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,044
When you're a kid, you convince yourself
168
00:09:04,127 --> 00:09:06,379
that maybe the grand gesture
could be enough.
169
00:09:06,463 --> 00:09:09,007
That even though your parents
aren't what you need them to be,
170
00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:11,092
over and over and over again,
171
00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:15,221
at any moment they might surprise you,
with something... wonderful.
172
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:17,265
I kept waiting for that, the proof,
173
00:09:17,348 --> 00:09:19,684
that even though my mother
was a hard woman,
174
00:09:19,768 --> 00:09:22,520
deep down, she loved me
and cared about me
175
00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:24,105
and wanted me to know
176
00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:26,441
that I made her life
a little bit brighter.
177
00:09:26,941 --> 00:09:29,277
Even now, I find myself waiting.
178
00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:32,781
Hey, Mom, knock once if you love me
and care about me,
179
00:09:32,864 --> 00:09:35,283
and want me to know I made your life
a little bit brighter.
180
00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:40,997
My mother did not go gentle
into that good night.
181
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:44,959
She went clawing and fighting
and thrashing, hence the face.
182
00:09:47,378 --> 00:09:48,213
If you'd seen her,
183
00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:50,775
I swear to God the only thing
you'd be thinking about right now
184
00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:53,301
is that I am nailing this impression.
185
00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:57,639
I was in the hospital with her
those last moments,
186
00:09:57,722 --> 00:10:01,684
and they were truly horrifying,
full of nonsensical screams and cries,
187
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:05,188
but there was this moment,
this one instant of strange calm,
188
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:08,566
where she looked in my direction
and said, "I see you."
189
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:12,070
That's the last thing she said to me.
"I see you."
190
00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:16,032
Not a statement of judgment
or disappointment, just acceptance
191
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:19,244
and the simple recognition
of another person in a room.
192
00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:22,705
"Hello, there. You are a person.
And I see you."
193
00:10:23,873 --> 00:10:25,041
Let me tell you,
194
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:27,001
it's a weird thing to feel
at 54 years old,
195
00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:29,754
that for the first time in your life
your mother sees you.
196
00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:32,358
It's an odd realization that it's
the thing you've been missing,
197
00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:35,093
the only thing you wanted all along,
to be seen.
198
00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:37,512
And it doesn't feel like a relief,
to finally be seen.
199
00:10:37,595 --> 00:10:39,556
It feels mean, like,
200
00:10:39,931 --> 00:10:41,891
"Oh, it turns out that you knew
what I wanted,
201
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:44,727
and you waited until the very last moment
to give it to me."
202
00:10:44,811 --> 00:10:46,312
I was prepared for more cruelty.
203
00:10:46,396 --> 00:10:48,690
I was sure that she would get
in one final zinger,
204
00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:52,026
about how I let her down,
and about how I was fat and stupid,
205
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:54,779
and too tall to be
an effective Lindy-hopper.
206
00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:58,158
How I was needy and a burden
and an embarrassment.
207
00:10:58,241 --> 00:11:02,453
All that I was ready for.
I was not ready for "I see you."
208
00:11:03,538 --> 00:11:05,874
Only my mother would be lousy enough
to swipe me
209
00:11:05,957 --> 00:11:08,126
with a moment of connection
on her way out.
210
00:11:08,877 --> 00:11:12,213
But maybe I'm giving her too much credit.
Maybe it wasn't about connection.
211
00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:17,802
Maybe it was a... Maybe it was
an "I see you," like, "I see you."
212
00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:19,886
Like, "You might have the rest
of the world fooled,
213
00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:21,681
but I know exactly who you are."
214
00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:23,224
That's more my mom's speed.
215
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:27,562
Or maybe she just literally meant
"I see you.
216
00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:30,607
You are an object
that has entered my field of vision."
217
00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:33,193
She was out of it at the end,
so maybe it's dumb
218
00:11:33,276 --> 00:11:34,986
to try to attribute it to anything.
219
00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:36,905
Back in the 90s,
220
00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:39,824
I was in a very famous TV Show
called Horsin' Around.
221
00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:42,535
Please hold your applause.
222
00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:44,913
And I remember one time, a fan asked me,
223
00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:46,748
"Hey, um, you know that episode
224
00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:48,708
where the horse has to give Ethan
a pep talk,
225
00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:51,836
after Ethan finds out his crush
only asked him to the dance
226
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:54,547
because her friends were having
a dorkiest date contest?
227
00:11:54,631 --> 00:11:56,257
In all the shots of the horse,
228
00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:59,010
you can see a paper coffee cup
on the kitchen counter,
229
00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:02,263
but in the shots of Ethan,
the coffee cup's missing.
230
00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:04,682
Was that because the show
was making a statement,
231
00:12:04,766 --> 00:12:07,060
about the fluctuant subjectivity of memory
232
00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:10,104
and how even two people
can experience the same moment
233
00:12:10,188 --> 00:12:12,315
in entirely different ways?
234
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,943
And I didn't have the heart to be, like,
235
00:12:15,026 --> 00:12:19,572
"No, man, some crew guy
just left their coffee cup in the shot."
236
00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:22,450
So instead, I was, like... "Yeah."
237
00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:25,286
And maybe this is like that coffee cup.
238
00:12:25,370 --> 00:12:29,457
Maybe, we're dumb to try to pin
significance onto every little thing.
239
00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:33,670
Maybe, when someone says,
"I see you," it just means, "I see you."
240
00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:37,090
Then again, it's possible
she wasn't even talking to me.
241
00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:39,968
Because, if I'm being honest,
she wasn't really looking at me,
242
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,679
she was looking past me.
There was nobody else in the room.
243
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,555
I think she was talking to me,
but, honestly,
244
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:47,267
she was so far gone at that point,
who knows what she was seeing.
245
00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:48,768
Who were you talking to, Mom?
246
00:12:50,812 --> 00:12:53,106
Not saying, huh? Staying mum?
247
00:12:53,564 --> 00:12:54,649
No rimshot there?
248
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:56,734
God, whatever I'm paying you,
it's too much.
249
00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:59,195
Maybe, she saw my dad.
250
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:02,949
My dad died about ten years ago
of injuries he sustained during a duel.
251
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:05,952
When your father dies,
you ask yourself a lot of questions.
252
00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:08,788
Questions like,
"Wait, did you say he died in a duel?"
253
00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:10,999
and "Who dies in a duel?"
254
00:13:11,082 --> 00:13:12,292
The whole thing was so stupid.
255
00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:15,003
Dad spent his entire life
writing this book,
256
00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:17,130
but he couldn't get any stores
to carry it,
257
00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:18,881
or any newspapers to review it.
258
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:22,260
Finally, I guess this one newspaper
thought he was pretty hilarious,
259
00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:24,929
because they ran a review
and tore him to shreds.
260
00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:26,597
So, my father, ever the Proud Mary,
261
00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:29,600
decided he would not stand
for this besmirchment of his honor.
262
00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:32,937
He claimed the critic didn't understand
what it meant to be a man,
263
00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:36,399
so he demanded satisfaction
in the form of pistols at dawn.
264
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:39,902
He wrote the paper, this letter,
saying anyone who didn't like his book,
265
00:13:39,986 --> 00:13:42,113
he would challenge to a duel,
anyone in the world.
266
00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:45,241
He'd even pay for airfare
to San Francisco and a night in a hotel.
267
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,910
Well, eventually this found its way
to some kook in Montana,
268
00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:50,455
who was as batshit as he was
and took him up on the offer.
269
00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:54,459
Ten paces, then shoot.
270
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:56,294
But in the middle of the ten paces,
271
00:13:56,377 --> 00:14:00,006
Dad turned to ask the guy if he'd actually
read the book and what he thought,
272
00:14:00,089 --> 00:14:01,799
but, not looking where he was going,
273
00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:04,844
tripped over an exposed root
and bashed his head on a rock.
274
00:14:06,137 --> 00:14:08,306
I wish I'd known to go
to Jack in the Box then.
275
00:14:08,389 --> 00:14:10,725
I could have gotten a free churro.
It would've been nice
276
00:14:10,808 --> 00:14:13,936
to have something to show for being
the son of Butterscotch Horseman.
277
00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:16,773
My darling mother gave the eulogy.
278
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:21,069
My entire life I never heard her say
a kind word to or about my father,
279
00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:22,528
but at his funeral she said,
280
00:14:22,612 --> 00:14:25,823
"My husband is dead,
and everything is worse now."
281
00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:30,661
"My husband is dead,
and everything is worse now."
282
00:14:31,245 --> 00:14:34,123
I don't know why she said that.
Maybe she felt that's the kind of thing
283
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:35,647
you're supposed to say at a funeral.
284
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,544
Maybe she hoped one day
someone would say that about her.
285
00:14:38,628 --> 00:14:41,130
"My mother is dead,
and everything is worse now."
286
00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:44,008
Or maybe she knew
that he had frittered away
287
00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:46,719
all her inheritance,
and replaced it with crippling debt,
288
00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:49,003
which is a pretty shitty thing
to leave your widow with.
289
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:52,725
"Bad news, you lost a husband,
but don't worry, you also lost the house!"
290
00:14:52,934 --> 00:14:55,311
Maybe Mom knew she'd have to sell
all her fancy jewelry
291
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:56,312
and move into a home.
292
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,476
Maybe that's what she meant by
"everything is worse."
293
00:14:58,731 --> 00:14:59,982
Is that what you meant, Mom?
294
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:02,737
I gotta say,
I'm really carrying this double act.
295
00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:05,822
At least with Penn and Teller,
the quiet one does card tricks.
296
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:07,966
Hey, piano man,
when I say something funny to my mom,
297
00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:09,534
how about you give me a rimshot?
298
00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:11,411
Yeah, but not now.
299
00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:13,996
When I say something funny. Like, okay.
300
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:17,750
What's the difference between my mother
and a disruptive expulsion of germs?
301
00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:20,962
One's a coughin' fit
and the other fits a coffin!
302
00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:24,048
That's an example of a funny thing.
303
00:15:24,132 --> 00:15:25,258
Thank you. Let's try again.
304
00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:28,845
Hey, Mom. What's the difference between
my mother and a bunch of Easter eggs?
305
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:33,182
One gets carried in a basket,
the other gets buried in a casket!
306
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:35,119
Ready for one more? Last one.
307
00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:37,437
What's the difference
between a first-year lit major
308
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,313
and my mother, Beatrice Horseman?
309
00:15:39,397 --> 00:15:44,652
One is decently read,
and the other's a huge bitch!
310
00:15:45,903 --> 00:15:47,743
Might have gone a little too far
with that one.
311
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:51,200
That one might have been a little too
"my mom's a huge bitch" for the room.
312
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:53,744
I'm sorry, Mother.
You're not a huge bitch.
313
00:15:53,828 --> 00:15:57,331
You were a huge bitch...
and now you're dead.
314
00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:01,186
You know, the first time I ever performed
in front of an audience,
315
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:03,337
it actually was, uh, with my mom.
316
00:16:03,421 --> 00:16:06,233
She used to put on these shows,
with her supper club in the living room,
317
00:16:06,257 --> 00:16:07,717
and she used to make...
318
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,594
She used to make me sing
"The Lollipop Song."
319
00:16:13,097 --> 00:16:14,849
Those parties, they were really something.
320
00:16:14,932 --> 00:16:17,393
There were skits and magic acts,
321
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:20,021
and ethnically insensitive
vaudeville routines,
322
00:16:20,104 --> 00:16:23,983
and the big finale
was always a dance my mother did.
323
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:27,361
She had this beautiful dress that she only
brought out for these parties,
324
00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:29,572
and she did this incredible number.
325
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:32,950
It was so beautiful and sad.
326
00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:36,287
Dad hated the parties.
He'd lock himself in the study,
327
00:16:36,370 --> 00:16:38,498
and bang on the walls
for us to keep it down,
328
00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:41,918
but he always came out to see Mom dance.
329
00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:44,462
He'd linger in the doorway,
scotch in hand,
330
00:16:44,545 --> 00:16:48,007
and watch in awe, as this cynical,
331
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:52,345
despicable woman he married...
took flight.
332
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:56,766
And as a child who was completely
terrified of both my parents,
333
00:16:56,849 --> 00:17:00,353
I was always aware
that this moment of grace,
334
00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:01,437
it meant something.
335
00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:03,856
We understood each other, in a way.
336
00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:07,568
Me and my mom and my dad,
as screwed up as we all were,
337
00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:09,195
we did understand each other.
338
00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:12,532
My mother, she knew
what it's like to feel your entire life
339
00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:15,409
like you're drowning
with the exception of these moments,
340
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,371
these very rare, brief instances,
341
00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:22,250
in which you suddenly remember...
you can swim.
342
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:42,186
But, then again, mostly not.
Mostly you're drowning.
343
00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:43,521
She understood that too.
344
00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:46,274
And she recognized that I understood it.
And Dad.
345
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:49,279
All three of us were drowning,
and we didn't know how to save each other,
346
00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:52,613
but there was an understanding
that we were all drowning together.
347
00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:54,865
I would like to think
that's what she meant
348
00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:57,535
when we were in the hospital
and she said, "I see you."
349
00:17:57,952 --> 00:18:00,079
The weird thing
about both your parents being dead
350
00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:01,789
is it means that you're next.
351
00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:05,293
I mean, you know, obviously it's not
like there's a wait list for dying.
352
00:18:05,376 --> 00:18:08,379
Any one of us could get run over
by a Snapchatting teen at any moment.
353
00:18:08,462 --> 00:18:11,674
And you would think that knowing that
would make us more adventurous,
354
00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:13,134
and kind, and forgiving.
355
00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:16,554
But it makes us small,
and stupid, and petty.
356
00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:20,308
I actually had a near-death experience,
recently.
357
00:18:20,391 --> 00:18:22,935
A stunt went bad
and I fell off a building.
358
00:18:23,019 --> 00:18:25,396
I'm an actor. I do my own stunts.
359
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:29,150
I'm on this new show Philbert.
I'm Philbert. Star of the show.
360
00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:31,545
It hasn't come out yet,
but it's already getting Emmy buzz.
361
00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:33,029
Oh, speaking of buzz...
362
00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:34,714
I've to take
two of these every morning,
363
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:37,742
but my days are so screwed up
'cause of the shooting schedule,
364
00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:40,036
I don't even know
what morning means anymore.
365
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:41,646
There's a joke in there somewhere,
366
00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:43,789
about a guy
who's been to so many funerals,
367
00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:46,459
he doesn't even know
what mourning means anymore.
368
00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:49,420
Let you guys figure that one out
for yourselves.
369
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:51,297
Anyway, you know what I thought...
370
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:54,467
when I was falling off the building
and I went into panic mode?
371
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:58,054
The last thing that my stupid brain
could come up with before I died?
372
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:00,598
"Won't they be sorry."
373
00:19:02,016 --> 00:19:03,576
Cool thought, brain.
374
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:04,477
No, that wasn't...
375
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,771
Would you just... Dial it back, all right?
376
00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:09,482
I don't even know what "they"
I wanted to be sorry.
377
00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:12,735
My mom, even before she died,
could barely remember who I was.
378
00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:14,570
And of course, my dad's dead.
379
00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:17,406
The last conversation I ever had with him
was about his novel.
380
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:19,784
He was so certain
this book was his legacy.
381
00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:21,452
Maybe he thought it would vindicate him
382
00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:25,122
for all the shitty things he ever did
in his stupid worthless life.
383
00:19:25,206 --> 00:19:27,833
Maybe it did. I don't know.
I never read it.
384
00:19:27,917 --> 00:19:29,627
Because why would I give him that?
385
00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:33,089
I used to be on this TV show
called Horsin' Around.
386
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:34,465
Seriously, hold your applause.
387
00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:36,967
Well held.
388
00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:40,388
It was written by my friend Herb Kazzaz,
who's also dead now,
389
00:19:40,471 --> 00:19:42,473
and it starred this little girl
named Sarah Lynn.
390
00:19:43,474 --> 00:19:46,602
And it was about these orphans.
And early on, the network had a note,
391
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,270
"Maybe don't mention
they're orphans,
392
00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:52,024
because audiences tend
to find orphans sad and not relatable."
393
00:19:52,149 --> 00:19:53,629
I never thought the orphans were sad.
394
00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:55,444
I always thought they were lucky
395
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:58,906
because they could imagine their parents
to be anything they wanted.
396
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,950
They had something to long for.
397
00:20:01,242 --> 00:20:04,745
Anyway, we did this one season finale,
where Olivia's birth mother comes to town.
398
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:07,248
And she was a junkie,
but she's gotten herself cleaned up,
399
00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:09,011
and she wants to be
in Olivia's life again.
400
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:12,128
And of course, she's like a perfect
grown-up version of Olivia,
401
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:13,796
and they go to the mall together
402
00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:16,119
and get her ears pierced,
like she's always wanted and...
403
00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:19,009
Sorry, spoiler alert for the season six
finale of Horsin' Around,
404
00:20:19,093 --> 00:20:21,345
if you're still working
your way through it.
405
00:20:22,138 --> 00:20:24,515
Anyway, the horse tries
to warn her, "Be careful,
406
00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:26,350
moms have a way of letting you down."
407
00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:29,478
But Olivia just thinks
the horse is jealous,
408
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:32,148
and when the mom says
she's moving to California,
409
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,066
Olivia decides to go with her.
410
00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:36,610
And the network really juiced
the cliffhanger:
411
00:20:36,694 --> 00:20:39,029
"Is Olivia gone for good?"
412
00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:41,866
But of course, because it's a TV show,
she was not gone for good.
413
00:20:41,949 --> 00:20:43,784
Of course, because it's a TV show,
414
00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:46,871
Olivia's mother had a relapse
and had to go back to rehab,
415
00:20:46,954 --> 00:20:48,873
so Olivia had to hitchhike
all the way home,
416
00:20:48,956 --> 00:20:52,084
getting rides from Mr. T,
Alf, and the cast of Stomp.
417
00:20:52,168 --> 00:20:53,502
Of course that's what happened.
418
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:57,256
Because, what are you gonna do,
just not have Olivia on the show?
419
00:20:57,339 --> 00:20:59,717
You can't have happy endings in sitcoms,
not really,
420
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,762
because, if everyone's happy,
the show would be over,
421
00:21:02,845 --> 00:21:06,182
and above all else,
the show... has to keep going.
422
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,933
There's always more show.
423
00:21:08,017 --> 00:21:11,729
And you can call Horsin' Around dumb,
or bad, or unrealistic,
424
00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:14,190
but there is nothing more realistic
than that.
425
00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:17,359
You never get a happy ending,
'cause there's always more show.
426
00:21:19,153 --> 00:21:20,404
I guess until there isn't.
427
00:21:23,449 --> 00:21:27,244
My mom would hate it if she knew
that I spent so much time at her funeral
428
00:21:27,328 --> 00:21:28,996
talking about my old TV show.
429
00:21:29,205 --> 00:21:31,332
Or maybe she'd think it was funny
that her idiot son
430
00:21:31,415 --> 00:21:33,083
couldn't even do this right. Who knows?
431
00:21:33,584 --> 00:21:36,003
She left no instructions
for what she wanted me to say.
432
00:21:36,086 --> 00:21:38,047
All I know is she wanted an open casket,
433
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:40,758
and her idiot son
couldn't even do that right.
434
00:21:41,842 --> 00:21:43,219
I'll stand up here and pretend
435
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:44,845
I understood
how to please that woman,
436
00:21:44,929 --> 00:21:48,557
even though so much of my life has been
wasted in vain attempts to figure it out.
437
00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:51,681
But I keep going back to that moment
in the ICU when she looked at me, and...
438
00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:53,311
"I-C-U."
439
00:21:54,605 --> 00:21:57,858
"I... see... you."
440
00:21:59,068 --> 00:22:02,321
Jesus Christ,
we were in the intensive care unit.
441
00:22:03,155 --> 00:22:04,448
She was just reading a sign.
442
00:22:07,076 --> 00:22:09,703
My mom died and all I got
was this free churro.
443
00:22:12,122 --> 00:22:14,208
You know the shittiest thing
about all of this?
444
00:22:14,291 --> 00:22:16,919
Is when that stranger behind the counter
gave me that free churro,
445
00:22:17,002 --> 00:22:20,756
that small act of kindness
showed more compassion
446
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:23,425
than my mother gave me
her entire goddamn life.
447
00:22:23,509 --> 00:22:26,011
Like, how hard is it to do something nice
for a person?
448
00:22:26,303 --> 00:22:30,266
This woman at the Jack in the Box
didn't even know me.
449
00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:31,349
I'm your son.
450
00:22:31,976 --> 00:22:33,352
All I had was you!
451
00:22:37,064 --> 00:22:38,774
I have this friend.
452
00:22:38,899 --> 00:22:40,442
And right around when I first met her,
453
00:22:40,526 --> 00:22:44,530
her dad died, and I actually went with her
to the funeral.
454
00:22:44,613 --> 00:22:47,324
And months later, she told me
that she didn't understand
455
00:22:47,408 --> 00:22:51,078
why she was still upset,
because she never even liked her father.
456
00:22:51,161 --> 00:22:54,248
It made sense to me, because I went
through the same thing when my dad died.
457
00:22:54,331 --> 00:22:57,418
And I'm going through the same thing now.
You know what it's like?
458
00:22:57,501 --> 00:22:59,879
It's like that show Becker,
you know, with Ted Danson?
459
00:22:59,962 --> 00:23:01,338
I watched the entire run of it,
460
00:23:01,422 --> 00:23:03,507
hoping that it would get better,
and it never did.
461
00:23:04,008 --> 00:23:06,862
It had all the right pieces, but it just...
It couldn't put them together.
462
00:23:06,886 --> 00:23:07,887
And when it got canceled,
463
00:23:07,970 --> 00:23:10,431
I was really bummed out,
not because I liked the show,
464
00:23:10,514 --> 00:23:13,017
but because I knew it could be
so much better,
465
00:23:13,100 --> 00:23:17,021
and now it never would be.
And that's what losing a parent is like.
466
00:23:17,688 --> 00:23:18,731
It's like Becker.
467
00:23:19,648 --> 00:23:23,444
Suddenly, you realize you'll never have
the good relationship you wanted,
468
00:23:23,527 --> 00:23:26,530
and as long as they were alive,
even though you'd never admit it,
469
00:23:26,614 --> 00:23:29,909
part of you,
the stupidest goddamn part of you,
470
00:23:29,992 --> 00:23:32,995
was still holding on to that chance.
471
00:23:33,078 --> 00:23:35,998
And you didn't even realize it
until that chance went away.
472
00:23:36,498 --> 00:23:40,544
"My mother is dead,
and everything is worse now."
473
00:23:41,170 --> 00:23:43,964
Because now I know
I will never have a mother
474
00:23:44,048 --> 00:23:46,300
who looks at me from across a room
and says,
475
00:23:46,383 --> 00:23:49,637
"BoJack Horseman, I see you."
476
00:23:50,763 --> 00:23:52,139
But I guess it's good to know.
477
00:23:52,890 --> 00:23:55,893
It's good to know
that there is nobody looking out for me,
478
00:23:55,976 --> 00:23:58,354
that there never was,
and there never will be.
479
00:23:58,437 --> 00:24:01,148
No, it's good to know that I am
the only one that I can depend on.
480
00:24:01,982 --> 00:24:05,110
And I know that now and it's good.
It's good that I know that.
481
00:24:05,194 --> 00:24:07,571
So... it's good my mother is dead.
482
00:24:10,449 --> 00:24:12,576
Well. No point beating a dead horse.
483
00:24:12,660 --> 00:24:15,120
Beatrice Horseman was born in 1938,
484
00:24:15,204 --> 00:24:20,125
and she died in 2018,
and I have no idea... what she wanted.
485
00:24:23,003 --> 00:24:25,089
Unless she just wanted what we all want...
486
00:24:26,090 --> 00:24:27,090
to be seen.
487
00:24:45,818 --> 00:24:47,444
Is this Funeral Parlor B?