1 00:01:01,260 --> 00:01:04,700 It's been raining, you cretin. And what are we painting? 2 00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:06,700 The Sistine Chapel. 3 00:01:06,980 --> 00:01:08,100 Oh, that's in Rome. 4 00:01:08,540 --> 00:01:09,820 I've got a very long brush. 5 00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:14,920 I'm painting that new gardener, the Portuguese boy. 6 00:01:15,220 --> 00:01:16,220 Oh, Antonio? 7 00:01:16,380 --> 00:01:17,720 Mm -hm. Oh, let me see. 8 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:31,880 Well, most trees are naked. 9 00:01:32,220 --> 00:01:34,380 No, I mean, it looks like a naked man. 10 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:38,160 Jane, has it ever crossed your mind that you have severe psychological problems? 11 00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:40,080 But where is Antonio? 12 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:41,600 Well, he's behind the tree. 13 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:45,560 What? Yes, you see, you can't see him. All you can see is his rake leaning 14 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:49,320 against the tree. Oh, that's a rake. Oh, that's a rake. 15 00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:54,540 The rake symbolises the presence of Antonio. The painting is not a 16 00:01:54,540 --> 00:01:56,640 representational actuality of Antonio. 17 00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:58,540 Oh, you mean you can't do people? 18 00:01:58,840 --> 00:01:59,840 I mean nothing of the kind. 19 00:02:00,820 --> 00:02:01,759 What do you want? 20 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:03,900 Well, I've come to see what you'd like for lunch. 21 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:05,240 There's a choice. 22 00:02:05,260 --> 00:02:06,780 Then field cutlets. Or? 23 00:02:07,500 --> 00:02:08,880 Or not field cutlets. 24 00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:11,780 Why do you come on these futile excursions? 25 00:02:12,020 --> 00:02:16,440 Mr Baines wants the residents to feel they have a say in how things are run at 26 00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:18,240 Bayview. Pure tokenism, Jane. 27 00:02:18,620 --> 00:02:21,700 Harvey Baines doesn't give a damn how things are run here, just so long as 28 00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:22,700 are run profitably. 29 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:25,200 Oh, you're so negative. I certainly am. 30 00:02:25,530 --> 00:02:27,510 If there's one thing I'm positive about, it's being negative. 31 00:02:28,370 --> 00:02:30,370 Try Tom. He loves that sort of nonsense. 32 00:02:30,930 --> 00:02:32,350 Yes, where is Tom today? 33 00:02:32,830 --> 00:02:35,710 Isn't this his day for driving the mobile library woman up the wall? 34 00:02:36,130 --> 00:02:40,570 Oh, no, that's Tuesdays. Wednesdays is Save the Whale's day. 35 00:02:40,930 --> 00:02:42,630 Is his blow -up whale in the dining room? 36 00:02:44,770 --> 00:02:45,770 That's the point. 37 00:02:46,150 --> 00:02:49,530 No, it isn't. He can't have been in for breakfast. 38 00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:51,490 Well, we'd better investigate. 39 00:02:52,610 --> 00:02:54,110 I'll go alone. 40 00:02:54,910 --> 00:02:55,910 It's policy. 41 00:02:56,210 --> 00:02:57,069 What is it? 42 00:02:57,070 --> 00:03:03,790 Well, you know, just opposing... Well, you mean if Tom has fallen off the 43 00:03:04,170 --> 00:03:05,570 Oh, please, Diana. 44 00:03:06,050 --> 00:03:10,010 Jane, as a one -time photojournalist with a penchant for war zones, I've seen 45 00:03:10,010 --> 00:03:11,010 hundreds of dead bodies. 46 00:03:11,350 --> 00:03:12,390 But they were foreign. 47 00:03:12,730 --> 00:03:13,730 Oh, Jane. 48 00:03:14,010 --> 00:03:14,929 Come on. 49 00:03:14,930 --> 00:03:15,930 I'll come with you. 50 00:03:25,610 --> 00:03:26,610 Oh, dear. 51 00:03:26,650 --> 00:03:28,330 These were probably just slept in. 52 00:03:29,150 --> 00:03:31,970 Doesn't smell as if someone snuffed it in the night. Oh, damn. 53 00:03:32,390 --> 00:03:36,230 Well, usually the old valves open, it gets a bit whiffy. Oh, OK. 54 00:03:38,910 --> 00:03:39,910 Oh! 55 00:03:40,110 --> 00:03:41,110 Call an ambulance. 56 00:03:42,570 --> 00:03:43,570 Tom? 57 00:03:44,030 --> 00:03:45,030 Tom, can you hear me? 58 00:03:46,090 --> 00:03:48,070 Tom, can you hear me? 59 00:03:49,410 --> 00:03:51,650 Of course I can hear you, I'm not deaf. 60 00:03:52,250 --> 00:03:53,250 Oh, what's the matter? 61 00:03:54,670 --> 00:03:55,970 I think I'm dying. 62 00:03:56,550 --> 00:03:57,930 Don't you bloody dare. 63 00:04:00,110 --> 00:04:01,130 Where's the doctor? 64 00:04:01,330 --> 00:04:04,150 All set up at the hospital. There's nothing to worry about, Diana. Jane 65 00:04:04,150 --> 00:04:05,150 contacted family. 66 00:04:05,230 --> 00:04:07,910 No, don't. He can't stand them. Please leave this to us, Diana. 67 00:04:08,210 --> 00:04:13,210 He is my friend. Then why are you shouting? Because I am going with him. 68 00:04:13,250 --> 00:04:15,250 ma 'am, can't do that. Yes, of course I can. Diana, please. 69 00:04:15,610 --> 00:04:16,970 No, he's in good hands. Tom! 70 00:04:17,209 --> 00:04:19,870 Now, just calm down, Diana. Oh, bugger off! 71 00:04:58,610 --> 00:04:59,610 Excuse me. 72 00:04:59,690 --> 00:05:00,690 How is he? 73 00:05:00,910 --> 00:05:03,470 You'll have to talk to the doctor. I just want to know how he is. 74 00:05:04,230 --> 00:05:06,210 Look, why don't you go and get a nice cup of tea? 75 00:05:06,430 --> 00:05:08,270 I have had 16 cups of tea. 76 00:05:08,690 --> 00:05:10,510 I want to know how he is. 77 00:05:10,870 --> 00:05:11,870 He's comfortable. 78 00:05:12,010 --> 00:05:14,710 Yes, well, I know he's comfortable. He's in bed. I want to know what is wrong 79 00:05:14,710 --> 00:05:18,030 with him. I'm sorry, you really will have to talk to the doctor. Oh, where is 80 00:05:18,030 --> 00:05:19,070 the sodding doctor? 81 00:05:24,050 --> 00:05:25,050 Oh. 82 00:05:25,750 --> 00:05:27,310 Oh, Tom, you're great. 83 00:05:30,909 --> 00:05:33,010 What do you think you're playing at? 84 00:05:58,410 --> 00:05:59,409 Oh, Doctor. 85 00:05:59,410 --> 00:06:01,010 Yes? How is he? 86 00:06:01,710 --> 00:06:02,710 He's comfortable. 87 00:06:02,870 --> 00:06:05,590 Oh, my God. Watch my lips. How is he? 88 00:06:05,930 --> 00:06:07,650 What is his state of health? 89 00:06:08,050 --> 00:06:10,490 Is he about to snuff it or does he want to go skiing? 90 00:06:11,370 --> 00:06:12,370 Are you the wife? 91 00:06:12,630 --> 00:06:15,790 The wife? What do you mean, the wife? Do you mean am I his wife? 92 00:06:16,190 --> 00:06:19,110 Yes. No, I am not his wife. I am his friend. 93 00:06:19,650 --> 00:06:23,330 I'm sorry. I think I'd better speak to his wife before his friend. 94 00:06:23,710 --> 00:06:26,170 Then you'd better take a shovel. She's been dead 15 years. 95 00:06:30,830 --> 00:06:33,790 In the circumstances, I think that's a rather tasteless remark. 96 00:06:34,490 --> 00:06:35,970 Do you mean he's about to join her? 97 00:06:36,710 --> 00:06:38,950 I believe his son and daughter -in -law are on their way. 98 00:06:39,210 --> 00:06:42,370 Oh, God, he's as thick as a plank and she's something out of Twilight Zone. 99 00:06:42,790 --> 00:06:46,210 Tell me. I'm sorry, I can only speak to family. 100 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:17,040 that we should wait here. 101 00:07:17,620 --> 00:07:18,940 He's a cynic, isn't he? 102 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:22,240 One night out in the years, he has to go and mess it up. 103 00:07:22,460 --> 00:07:26,040 Marianne. Oh, God, look, a bag lady. 104 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:31,460 If he joined Bupa, he wouldn't be here with the down -and -ups. 105 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:32,800 Shut it down. 106 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:38,340 Do you want me to get you some coffee? 107 00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:41,440 Thanks, I might sober up. I doubt it. 108 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:44,760 Smashing party. 109 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:46,160 Yes, dear. 110 00:07:46,220 --> 00:07:49,360 That diamond person squeezed my bottom. 111 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:52,360 Yes, dear. 112 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:53,480 Wicked. 113 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:55,480 Squeezed. Ooh! 114 00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:00,920 Geoffrey. 115 00:08:02,140 --> 00:08:03,140 Yes, ma 'am. 116 00:08:03,780 --> 00:08:05,320 Supposing. What? 117 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:06,880 You know. 118 00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:09,400 I mean, we know. 119 00:08:09,980 --> 00:08:10,980 I don't know. 120 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:12,120 Your dad. 121 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:13,520 Yes? 122 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:16,180 He's had a good run, hasn't he? 123 00:08:16,940 --> 00:08:17,940 What? 124 00:08:18,340 --> 00:08:20,660 We've got to face up to all possibilities. 125 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:21,959 Not now, dear. 126 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,920 I mean, we've been very good to him. Well, of course, he's my father. 127 00:08:25,220 --> 00:08:26,380 A right family. 128 00:08:26,660 --> 00:08:28,800 Yes. We're all family. 129 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:31,420 Yes. What's ours is his. 130 00:08:31,740 --> 00:08:32,919 That's very nice of you, Marion. 131 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,159 What his is ours. 132 00:08:37,460 --> 00:08:38,460 Sorry? 133 00:08:38,799 --> 00:08:42,919 Like the insurance, the little bits of silver and that nice Persian rug. 134 00:08:44,590 --> 00:08:45,329 It's her. 135 00:08:45,330 --> 00:08:46,330 Miss Trent. 136 00:08:46,450 --> 00:08:48,550 So nice of you to come, eventually. 137 00:08:48,870 --> 00:08:49,870 What are you doing here? 138 00:08:50,270 --> 00:08:51,710 I'm trying to find out how Tom is. 139 00:08:51,930 --> 00:08:53,370 He's fine. It's not too serious. 140 00:08:53,690 --> 00:08:55,370 Not a proper heart attack at all. 141 00:08:55,610 --> 00:08:56,970 He can never get anything right. 142 00:08:57,610 --> 00:08:59,470 The doctor called it a minor occlusion. 143 00:08:59,710 --> 00:09:00,710 It's a sort of warning. 144 00:09:00,830 --> 00:09:02,070 The doctor spoke to you? 145 00:09:02,350 --> 00:09:03,229 Of course. 146 00:09:03,230 --> 00:09:04,450 He didn't speak to me. 147 00:09:05,110 --> 00:09:06,850 Probably didn't like the look of you. 148 00:09:07,590 --> 00:09:10,390 I thought you were a bad lady. 149 00:09:11,070 --> 00:09:12,070 Dad. 150 00:09:14,270 --> 00:09:15,269 Hello, Geoffrey. 151 00:09:15,270 --> 00:09:16,270 Marion. 152 00:09:16,350 --> 00:09:18,850 We've been so worried about you, haven't we, Geoffrey? 153 00:09:19,070 --> 00:09:21,690 Absolutely, and we really think that when you get out of here, you ought to 154 00:09:21,690 --> 00:09:22,690 home and stay with us. 155 00:09:22,910 --> 00:09:24,450 Only if you want to, of course. 156 00:09:29,550 --> 00:09:32,690 No, thank you. I'll go back to Bayview if it's all the same to you. 157 00:09:32,970 --> 00:09:33,629 But why? 158 00:09:33,630 --> 00:09:37,650 Well, you know how it is. Want to keep an eye on things like my little bits of 159 00:09:37,650 --> 00:09:39,630 silver and my nice Persian rug? 160 00:09:42,300 --> 00:09:44,440 Got the Porsche old thing? Certainly have. 161 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:45,599 Then let's go. 162 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:46,600 Dad. 163 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:51,000 Tom, should I be looking just like this? No. Well, then maybe you shouldn't. 164 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,940 Of course I shouldn't. Well, then why are you? Oh, God, woman. 165 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:56,580 Don't you ever listen to your own lectures? 166 00:09:56,840 --> 00:10:00,660 To stay alive, one must be bloody -minded and contrary at all times. Maybe 167 00:10:00,660 --> 00:10:01,660 just theorising. 168 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:03,520 Oh, hold this bag and shut up. 169 00:10:04,260 --> 00:10:06,120 A little weary. 170 00:10:06,420 --> 00:10:07,379 Please, Tom, go back. 171 00:10:07,380 --> 00:10:08,780 Oh, no, I've got to get out of here. 172 00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:12,760 I could feel the clammy hand of something or other crawling along the 173 00:10:13,900 --> 00:10:17,000 Oh, I've been there, you know, I've been there. 174 00:10:17,340 --> 00:10:18,400 We must get out of here. 175 00:10:19,060 --> 00:10:20,060 Oh, dear. 176 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:25,700 Do you think the part is still going? 177 00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:33,240 Well, he's had a good long sleep, and despite discharging himself in such a 178 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:36,400 cavalier fashion, he seems to be recovering quite well. 179 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:38,360 Physically, that is. 180 00:10:38,670 --> 00:10:39,670 More than I am. 181 00:10:40,450 --> 00:10:42,050 Do you do head transplants? 182 00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:44,110 Yes, 183 00:10:44,830 --> 00:10:48,050 it's the state of his mind that gives us most cause for concern. 184 00:10:48,530 --> 00:10:52,250 You see, when he was in the hospital, he asked us to pull the plug on him. 185 00:10:52,490 --> 00:10:53,670 You should have listened to him. 186 00:10:55,130 --> 00:10:56,550 It's not an uncommon request. 187 00:10:57,390 --> 00:11:01,310 He went on to say that most of his chums had died and he wanted to be able to 188 00:11:01,310 --> 00:11:01,949 join them. 189 00:11:01,950 --> 00:11:03,560 Yes, just a lot of them. around here. 190 00:11:04,180 --> 00:11:06,220 Death seems to come in waves. 191 00:11:06,580 --> 00:11:09,340 One goes and the others all pop off in sympathy. 192 00:11:11,020 --> 00:11:12,740 Not that we encourage it, of course. 193 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:15,060 Oh, no, it's not policy, is it? 194 00:11:15,700 --> 00:11:18,660 It would appear that there is one person that he likes. 195 00:11:18,860 --> 00:11:20,500 Yes, that's me. He likes me. 196 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:22,160 I'm his son. 197 00:11:22,820 --> 00:11:25,100 Someone called Diana Trent. 198 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:29,020 Tom and Midclint do spend a lot of time together. 199 00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:30,479 More of the pity? 200 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:33,540 Well, maybe she could help to get his head sorted out. 201 00:11:33,980 --> 00:11:38,580 She couldn't get her underwear sorted out. Marianne, how do you mean, Doctor? 202 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:45,260 Well, is this Miss Trent, by any chance, a kind, considerate, caring sort of 203 00:11:45,260 --> 00:11:46,260 person? 204 00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:48,560 No. 205 00:11:50,340 --> 00:11:51,340 He's what? 206 00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:52,680 He's in shock. 207 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:55,620 Well, of course he's in shock. He thought he was going to die. 208 00:11:55,900 --> 00:11:57,520 Apparently, with Tom, it goes much deeper. 209 00:11:57,870 --> 00:11:58,529 What do you mean? 210 00:11:58,530 --> 00:12:02,130 Well, you know, Dad's a bit odd. A bit of a fantasy dreamer. Aren't we all? 211 00:12:02,410 --> 00:12:03,570 We've got to have a dream. 212 00:12:03,790 --> 00:12:05,190 To make a dream come true. 213 00:12:05,450 --> 00:12:06,449 What? 214 00:12:06,450 --> 00:12:07,450 South Pacific. 215 00:12:08,170 --> 00:12:09,170 Mr Gaynor. 216 00:12:10,290 --> 00:12:12,810 Happy talking, talking, happy talk. 217 00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:16,270 Talking about things you'd like to do. 218 00:12:22,270 --> 00:12:23,770 Who did you say was disturbed? 219 00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:28,160 Apparently Tom has gone into a bit of a depression. 220 00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:30,800 Well, it won't do him any harm. He's always been far too cheerful. 221 00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:33,600 The doctor feels you're the one to get him out of it. 222 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:37,260 Me? He seems to think that Tom has developed some sort of psychological 223 00:12:37,260 --> 00:12:38,660 dependence on you. 224 00:12:38,940 --> 00:12:40,300 What am I supposed to do about that? 225 00:12:40,620 --> 00:12:42,120 Well, we were hoping you could cheer him up. 226 00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:43,460 Cheer him up? Me? 227 00:12:43,740 --> 00:12:45,500 I spend my lifetime to depress people. 228 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:47,520 Well, it is rather important. 229 00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:49,280 What if I don't succeed? 230 00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:51,500 Well, he isn't very stable right now. 231 00:12:58,190 --> 00:12:59,190 Cheer him up. 232 00:13:01,390 --> 00:13:02,430 Cheerful, cheerful, cheerful. 233 00:13:04,190 --> 00:13:06,210 I haven't been cheerful since 1975. 234 00:13:07,790 --> 00:13:09,570 That was only because I got typhoid. 235 00:13:15,310 --> 00:13:16,310 Oh, God. 236 00:13:21,170 --> 00:13:22,490 What a wonderful day. 237 00:13:23,490 --> 00:13:25,010 What a splendid day. 238 00:13:28,910 --> 00:13:29,950 Hello, Tom. 239 00:13:34,290 --> 00:13:35,450 What a wonderful day. 240 00:13:40,990 --> 00:13:42,390 What's wrong with your face? 241 00:13:43,970 --> 00:13:44,970 I'm sliding. 242 00:13:46,090 --> 00:13:50,650 Then don't. But I can't help it. I feel wonderful. I'm full of... full of 243 00:13:50,650 --> 00:13:52,670 inner... joy. 244 00:13:53,690 --> 00:13:56,470 Have you been putting gin on your cornflakes again? 245 00:13:58,410 --> 00:14:01,570 happy. You've no reason to be. You look like a giant clam. 246 00:14:02,030 --> 00:14:04,310 Only older. 247 00:14:04,590 --> 00:14:05,630 Don't you call me old. 248 00:14:05,830 --> 00:14:08,750 That's better. More like your usual foul self. 249 00:14:10,330 --> 00:14:12,710 What makes you happy? 250 00:14:13,710 --> 00:14:15,390 I like the way my painting is going. 251 00:14:15,610 --> 00:14:16,610 Oh. 252 00:14:16,630 --> 00:14:18,410 Do you want to see it? No, thank you. 253 00:14:19,070 --> 00:14:22,770 I wouldn't want to see something that is still going to grow after I've gone. 254 00:14:23,310 --> 00:14:24,410 Gone where, Tom? 255 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:29,700 Gone across the Fijian waters to the other side of the Black River. 256 00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:31,180 You mean Battersea? 257 00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:35,740 The empty beyond. 258 00:14:36,740 --> 00:14:39,580 How do you know that the beyond is empty? 259 00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:41,780 I went there yesterday at the hospital. 260 00:14:42,020 --> 00:14:46,640 I left my body, you know. I was looking down at me. Then I was out in the 261 00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:48,960 corridor looking down and listening to you all. 262 00:14:49,460 --> 00:14:52,380 That's how I knew what that dreadful Marion was up to. 263 00:14:54,090 --> 00:14:55,090 Cold. 264 00:14:55,250 --> 00:15:00,190 And did you see the tunnel of light and the heavenly choirs and all those 265 00:15:00,190 --> 00:15:01,910 ghastly relatives you thought you got rid of? 266 00:15:02,950 --> 00:15:03,950 No. 267 00:15:04,250 --> 00:15:05,250 I was alone. 268 00:15:05,570 --> 00:15:07,190 Oh, well, then it was a shock reaction, Tom. 269 00:15:07,450 --> 00:15:10,270 If it had been a near -death reaction, you would have had all the other jazz. 270 00:15:10,870 --> 00:15:12,550 But you don't believe in the afterlife. 271 00:15:13,390 --> 00:15:15,350 Well, I keep an open mind. 272 00:15:15,730 --> 00:15:18,530 I think you probably get what you believe in. 273 00:15:18,730 --> 00:15:19,790 And you've got your faith. 274 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:23,500 So for you, death should just be the beginning of another big adventure. 275 00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:25,860 But suppose I'm wrong and you're right. 276 00:15:26,180 --> 00:15:29,920 Suppose they do just rot in a box, or even worse, suppose heaven is really 277 00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:34,300 some sort of, what did you call it, Albanian Disneyland, where everyone is 278 00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:35,700 nice you just want to throw up. 279 00:15:36,420 --> 00:15:38,940 I'm just talking, Tom. I'm sure heaven is fine. 280 00:15:39,660 --> 00:15:41,540 There's different things to different people. 281 00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:47,380 But to you, heaven would be some sort of Shangri -La, full of heroes and... 282 00:15:48,090 --> 00:15:51,030 Optimists and people shoving flowers in their ears. 283 00:15:51,250 --> 00:15:52,250 And to you? 284 00:15:52,350 --> 00:15:53,309 To me? 285 00:15:53,310 --> 00:15:59,570 To me, heaven would be a noisy New York bar full of cynical, drunken, 286 00:15:59,570 --> 00:16:03,450 loudmouthed journalists all pretending to be Hemingway, all telling huge lies 287 00:16:03,450 --> 00:16:04,450 one another. 288 00:16:04,490 --> 00:16:08,130 Then again, maybe this is it here. 289 00:16:08,690 --> 00:16:12,510 Maybe the Bayview retirement village is the afterlife. 290 00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:16,240 Maybe we died at the pearly gates at the bottom of the drive. 291 00:16:16,540 --> 00:16:18,160 I'll be going to St. Peter. 292 00:16:19,380 --> 00:16:23,300 The thing I really hate about death is the lack of a timetable. 293 00:16:24,420 --> 00:16:27,340 You can't look up when your last train is leaving. 294 00:16:28,540 --> 00:16:31,100 The Bayview to Heaven Express. 295 00:16:32,020 --> 00:16:36,480 Then again... Wait a minute. 296 00:16:37,700 --> 00:16:39,600 Maybe I can look it up. 297 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:45,180 If I write my own timetable, then I can decide when the last train leaves. No, 298 00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:46,240 Tom, not suicide. 299 00:16:46,340 --> 00:16:47,340 Yes, that's it. 300 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:52,160 Then I'll know when it's going to happen and I can put it in my diary. Yes, 301 00:16:52,260 --> 00:16:53,260 that's it. 302 00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:54,300 Wonderful. 303 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:56,800 See you later. 304 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:00,160 Or not, as the case may be. 305 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:04,040 He what? 306 00:17:04,119 --> 00:17:05,300 He wants to kill himself. 307 00:17:05,619 --> 00:17:06,379 Oh, dear. 308 00:17:06,380 --> 00:17:07,420 What did you say to him? 309 00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:10,859 I asked you to cheer him up, not push him over the edge. Well, I failed, 310 00:17:10,859 --> 00:17:12,880 I? We've never had a suicide at Bayview. 311 00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:15,859 Plenty of death, but never a do -it -yourself job. 312 00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:19,140 Maybe I should have a word with him. 313 00:17:19,380 --> 00:17:21,180 I don't think he's in that much of a hurry, Jane. 314 00:17:22,780 --> 00:17:24,300 We'd better get his family back. 315 00:17:24,579 --> 00:17:25,579 Oh, don't be so thick. 316 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:29,260 Spending all those years with that gormless troglodyte of a son and his 317 00:17:29,260 --> 00:17:32,720 screeching parrot of a wife that has made him into the unbalanced old bat he 318 00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:33,699 today. 319 00:17:33,700 --> 00:17:34,900 Leave it to me, I think. 320 00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:36,620 What do you know about anything? 321 00:17:37,740 --> 00:17:41,160 Diana, I'll have you know, I trained for over three weeks to run this place. 322 00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:45,380 And people management were the very important part of that training. 323 00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:47,560 I should be able to sort this out. 324 00:17:47,780 --> 00:17:49,180 I am a man of action. 325 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:51,219 Aren't I, Jane? 326 00:17:51,220 --> 00:17:52,300 Oh, yes, you are. 327 00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:53,900 Jane, you're touching me. 328 00:17:58,300 --> 00:17:59,620 Tuesday, heart attack. 329 00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:01,560 It wasn't a heart attack, Tom. 330 00:18:01,860 --> 00:18:04,640 Wednesday, disgust, life and death. 331 00:18:05,110 --> 00:18:06,110 With Diana. 332 00:18:06,390 --> 00:18:08,130 Well, you mustn't listen to Diana, Tom. 333 00:18:08,670 --> 00:18:10,030 Thursday, died. 334 00:18:13,490 --> 00:18:17,250 Which day am I going to be buried? I don't want to leave an untidy diary 335 00:18:17,750 --> 00:18:19,670 Well, Monday costs too much in overtime at the weekend. 336 00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:22,750 Monday, buried. 337 00:18:23,210 --> 00:18:26,610 You're not going to be buried at all, Tom. I do not wish to be cremated. 338 00:18:26,850 --> 00:18:28,170 You're not going to be cremated either. 339 00:18:28,570 --> 00:18:29,569 What are you going to do then? 340 00:18:29,570 --> 00:18:31,070 Throw me over the back fence? 341 00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:33,390 You're not going to die, Tom. 342 00:18:34,690 --> 00:18:36,170 Not ever. Not tomorrow. 343 00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:37,490 What's wrong with tomorrow? 344 00:18:37,710 --> 00:18:41,070 Well, it... What's wrong with tomorrow, Jane? 345 00:18:41,610 --> 00:18:43,030 Well, it's Thursday. 346 00:18:43,670 --> 00:18:44,670 It's Thursday. 347 00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:49,100 Is it against Bayview policy to die on a Thursday? It is against Bayview policy 348 00:18:49,100 --> 00:18:51,220 for residents to die before their due time. 349 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:54,160 But it is my due time. How do you know that? 350 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,560 It's in my diary. Die Thursday. 351 00:18:56,780 --> 00:19:00,260 If I die on the Friday, I'll be a day late and I hate unpunctuality. 352 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:01,760 It's for me. 353 00:19:02,180 --> 00:19:03,720 It's for us. What for Bayview? 354 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:06,960 I mean, if people think that every time they leave their elderly relatives here, 355 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:10,880 they're going to top themselves on a Thursday, well, people won't send anyone 356 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:12,060 here and we'll go broke. 357 00:19:12,540 --> 00:19:13,419 I'd have to clone. 358 00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:15,220 Then my passing will not have been in vain. 359 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:16,440 That's not funny. 360 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:17,920 I'd miss you, Tom. 361 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:21,840 That's very nice of you, but if you don't mind, it's time for my sleep now. 362 00:19:22,340 --> 00:19:25,100 I have a long day before me tomorrow. 363 00:19:25,660 --> 00:19:29,200 Well, not as long as usual, if you know what I mean. 364 00:19:29,620 --> 00:19:30,620 Good night. 365 00:19:40,790 --> 00:19:42,450 Oh, no. It's awfully good, yes. 366 00:19:44,890 --> 00:19:46,350 I'd like you to have that, you see. 367 00:19:46,650 --> 00:19:47,990 Yes, I want you to have it. 368 00:19:49,070 --> 00:19:50,530 Thank you very much. 369 00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:55,930 Right, we'll see about that, Mr Ballard. 370 00:19:59,930 --> 00:20:00,290 So 371 00:20:00,290 --> 00:20:07,270 you're OK, 372 00:20:07,390 --> 00:20:09,090 Dad? Well, I'm fine, Geoffrey, thank you. 373 00:20:09,930 --> 00:20:13,570 Mr. Bain said he was worried about you. Oh, probably mixing me up with somebody 374 00:20:13,570 --> 00:20:14,570 else. 375 00:20:14,690 --> 00:20:16,010 Said you were feeling a bit suicidal. 376 00:20:16,810 --> 00:20:18,770 Well, I was, but not any longer. 377 00:20:19,130 --> 00:20:20,870 Especially since you didn't bring Mary. 378 00:20:23,250 --> 00:20:26,270 She didn't mean to say that about the silver and the Persian rug. 379 00:20:26,710 --> 00:20:29,070 She was just exercising the words. 380 00:20:30,390 --> 00:20:31,550 She means well, Dad. 381 00:20:33,310 --> 00:20:37,810 Geoffrey, suppose you never saw me again. 382 00:20:38,460 --> 00:20:43,680 Dad. No, no, not that you won't, of course, but just in case, I'd like to 383 00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:45,480 you one piece of parley advice. 384 00:20:46,380 --> 00:20:47,380 Yes, Dad. 385 00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:50,020 Marion does not mean well. 386 00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:51,660 She's an evil little harpy. 387 00:20:53,340 --> 00:20:54,520 Dad, I really must object. 388 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:58,880 Take her down to the old quarry pond, tie a rope round her neck and shove her 389 00:20:58,880 --> 00:20:59,880 in. 390 00:21:02,500 --> 00:21:03,980 Dad, this is not like you. 391 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:06,560 You've always been such a kind and gentle person. 392 00:21:07,050 --> 00:21:09,930 The kind and gentle people of this world sometimes just don't have the courage 393 00:21:09,930 --> 00:21:11,930 to be as bloody as they'd really like to be. 394 00:21:12,910 --> 00:21:14,230 I don't know what to say. I'm shocked. 395 00:21:14,590 --> 00:21:17,790 And I blame myself about you too, Geoffrey. 396 00:21:18,010 --> 00:21:19,010 What's wrong with me? 397 00:21:20,610 --> 00:21:21,970 You're wet, Geoffrey. 398 00:21:23,090 --> 00:21:24,750 Desperately wet and fine, look. 399 00:21:25,270 --> 00:21:29,270 You're hell -bent on being as big a wishy -washy nobody as your dad. 400 00:21:30,250 --> 00:21:33,610 I think I'm going. You're obviously not yourself today. And the first thing you 401 00:21:33,610 --> 00:21:38,540 must do to regain a smidgen of self -respect... is to get rid of that woman. 402 00:21:39,620 --> 00:21:41,480 Wire her up to the national grid or something. 403 00:21:44,060 --> 00:21:45,060 Goodbye, Dad. 404 00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:48,500 This is all your fault. 405 00:21:49,260 --> 00:21:50,980 He was a nice old man till he met you. 406 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:52,560 Go away. 407 00:21:59,980 --> 00:22:00,980 Don't you go away. 408 00:22:09,420 --> 00:22:10,420 I want you to have these. 409 00:22:11,980 --> 00:22:12,980 No, thank you. 410 00:22:13,380 --> 00:22:15,840 But they're all I've got. My most treasured possessions. 411 00:22:16,340 --> 00:22:17,239 Well, no good to me. 412 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:18,099 Why not? 413 00:22:18,100 --> 00:22:19,160 Well, because I'm coming with you. 414 00:22:20,060 --> 00:22:21,060 You're what? 415 00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:24,660 Yes, you're right. What is the point any longer? 416 00:22:24,940 --> 00:22:26,780 We're just a waste of space. 417 00:22:27,420 --> 00:22:29,340 I'm bored rigid most of the time. 418 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:32,540 Might just as well join you on the last great adventure. 419 00:22:34,020 --> 00:22:36,340 So, how are we going to do it? 420 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:38,040 Do what? 421 00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:39,320 We'll croak ourselves. 422 00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:45,880 Pills? I haven't really thought that far. 423 00:22:46,260 --> 00:22:48,360 I think pills are a bit namby -pamby myself. 424 00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:50,080 But you don't feel anything. 425 00:22:50,500 --> 00:22:54,260 What a waste of time if you don't feel anything. What do you gain from it? Pain 426 00:22:54,260 --> 00:22:55,760 is experience, Tom. 427 00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:58,640 Experience for what? For its own sake. 428 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:03,740 Now, if we were to shoot ourselves, there would be a moment when we would 429 00:23:03,740 --> 00:23:05,400 what it felt like to be shot. 430 00:23:07,620 --> 00:23:09,940 We would be more complete human beings. 431 00:23:10,940 --> 00:23:11,940 Metaphysically, that is. 432 00:23:12,340 --> 00:23:14,520 Physically, of course, we'd be slightly less complete human beings. 433 00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:18,680 No, I don't think I could fit myself in. 434 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:20,620 What about the old necktie party, then? 435 00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:24,160 We could string ourselves up outside the dining room at lunchtime. I don't 436 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:25,160 curdle their custard. 437 00:23:26,350 --> 00:23:29,950 I don't think so. No, no, you're probably right. All that gurgling and 438 00:23:29,950 --> 00:23:32,250 and your eyeballs popping out all over the place. I am. 439 00:23:32,910 --> 00:23:35,230 Blackened tongues flapping in the breeze. 440 00:23:36,030 --> 00:23:37,030 Still mine. 441 00:23:37,990 --> 00:23:38,990 Wrist flashing. 442 00:23:39,150 --> 00:23:41,710 My niece is always trying that. Every Wednesday. 443 00:23:42,870 --> 00:23:45,110 Save herself a lot of trouble if she had zippers put in her wrist. 444 00:23:45,650 --> 00:23:46,650 Please, Diana. 445 00:23:47,310 --> 00:23:51,310 I hear drowning's quite nice. You get to see the whole of your life pass before 446 00:23:51,310 --> 00:23:52,209 your eyes. 447 00:23:52,210 --> 00:23:55,800 No. No. I know you're probably right. Who'd want a rerun of your boring life? 448 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:58,620 Oh, no. What else is there? Ah. 449 00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:01,220 Poison? Exhaust fumes? 450 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:02,600 I don't know. 451 00:24:02,940 --> 00:24:04,800 Well, you'd better think of something. I haven't put us down for tea. 452 00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:06,860 Do you think you're starving to death? 453 00:24:07,500 --> 00:24:10,160 Look, it's none of your business. 454 00:24:10,900 --> 00:24:14,520 It's my death, my idea, my little moment. 455 00:24:15,500 --> 00:24:19,360 The only reason you want to join me is because you can't stand not being the 456 00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:20,360 centre of attention. 457 00:24:21,580 --> 00:24:22,580 You've ruined everything. 458 00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:24,760 to do it. 459 00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:27,620 No, I'm not. You never were. 460 00:24:28,540 --> 00:24:29,540 I might have done. 461 00:24:30,060 --> 00:24:31,060 Might. 462 00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:32,920 Felt like it. Not you. 463 00:24:35,420 --> 00:24:36,840 You think I haven't got the guts? 464 00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:39,060 No. I think you've got more sense. 465 00:24:39,580 --> 00:24:44,340 I mean, I wouldn't have done it because I... Well, I might be a late developer 466 00:24:44,340 --> 00:24:45,340 in something. 467 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:48,180 In the art world. 468 00:24:48,900 --> 00:24:50,140 This painting? 469 00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:51,920 It could be a great painting. 470 00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:53,460 The first of many. 471 00:24:54,660 --> 00:24:55,660 Ah. 472 00:24:56,280 --> 00:25:01,140 See, while you're still breathing, there is still something that you can do with 473 00:25:01,140 --> 00:25:02,140 your life. 474 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:05,620 Well, who knows? You could still be a famous bullfighter or astronaut. 475 00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:07,380 Not very likely. 476 00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:09,540 All right, you could be a famous mediocrity, then. 477 00:25:13,060 --> 00:25:14,320 So will you be. 478 00:25:14,740 --> 00:25:15,740 Beg your pardon? 479 00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:17,860 That's the worst painting ever seen. 480 00:25:18,780 --> 00:25:20,060 It's a very good painting. 481 00:25:20,380 --> 00:25:21,380 No, it's not. 482 00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:22,459 It's terrible. 483 00:25:22,460 --> 00:25:24,840 Look at that tree. It looks like a naked man. 484 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:27,000 Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. 485 00:25:27,260 --> 00:25:29,220 Yes, you've got no talent at all. 486 00:25:29,460 --> 00:25:31,760 I have got talent. No, you're hopeless. 487 00:25:31,980 --> 00:25:35,580 I am not. Really, really useless. You're as much useless as I am. Quite the 488 00:25:35,580 --> 00:25:40,360 worst painting I've ever seen. Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, dreadful. 489 00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:42,960 Thank you, Diana. 490 00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:44,900 You cheer me up immensely. 491 00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:47,740 That's a terrible painting. 492 00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:56,620 gave it to me. It was just a loan. 493 00:25:57,580 --> 00:26:01,000 I want it back. You can't have it. 494 00:26:01,460 --> 00:26:05,620 I am grateful, Diana. How did you do it? I deliberately painted a terrible 495 00:26:05,620 --> 00:26:08,280 picture so that you'd think he wasn't the only one with problems. 496 00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:15,680 It doesn't look that terrible to me. 497 00:26:16,340 --> 00:26:21,320 Really? And again, when it comes to art appreciation, I'm a complete moron. 498 00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:23,640 See you later. 499 00:26:24,810 --> 00:26:25,890 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.