1 00:00:04,430 --> 00:00:09,290 Meet the gang cause the boys are here. The boys to entertain you. 2 00:00:09,950 --> 00:00:14,930 With music and laughter to help you on your way. To raising the rafters with a 3 00:00:14,930 --> 00:00:15,930 hey, hey, hey. 4 00:00:16,010 --> 00:00:21,650 With thong and catches and jokes old and new. With us about you and Phil Blue. 5 00:00:21,770 --> 00:00:26,870 So meet the gang cause the boys are here. The boys to entertain you. 6 00:00:27,650 --> 00:00:30,890 B -O -B -O -Y -S. 7 00:00:31,130 --> 00:00:32,770 Boys to entertain you. 8 00:00:46,959 --> 00:00:49,180 Yesterday, I heard the most exciting news. 9 00:00:49,740 --> 00:00:54,400 Quite by accident, I was sitting outside the window of the battery office when I 10 00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:58,520 heard Colonel Reynolds Saab saying to the Captain Saab that this was the time 11 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:03,060 the year when a list is to be sent to Delhi of those people who are going to 12 00:01:03,060 --> 00:01:04,400 given the OBE. 13 00:01:05,140 --> 00:01:08,260 Now, this is something that makes us British very proud. 14 00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:14,060 And Colonel Saab was saying that he is hoping that his name is also going to be 15 00:01:14,060 --> 00:01:15,060 on the list. 16 00:01:15,980 --> 00:01:21,060 If you possess the order of the British Emperor, it means that you can order 17 00:01:21,060 --> 00:01:22,380 anything you like. 18 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:26,000 Egg and chips, cups of chaff. 19 00:01:27,380 --> 00:01:29,380 And you do not have to pay. 20 00:01:29,860 --> 00:01:31,900 And this gives you great power. 21 00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:37,300 Now, if I had the OBE, I would order every morning my mother -in -law to 22 00:01:37,300 --> 00:01:38,300 me my breakfast in bed. 23 00:01:39,060 --> 00:01:41,440 This would be a problem because I sleep on the floor. 24 00:01:47,710 --> 00:01:48,710 How's it coming on, Alfred? 25 00:01:48,990 --> 00:01:51,250 You swine, you foul swine. 26 00:01:51,530 --> 00:01:52,530 I beg your pardon? 27 00:01:52,910 --> 00:01:54,710 I'm just going over this bit I've written, sir. 28 00:01:55,050 --> 00:01:57,950 I beg your pardon, sir. The language sounds a bit strong. 29 00:01:58,210 --> 00:01:59,210 Yes, I quite agree. 30 00:01:59,530 --> 00:02:03,070 If I'm writing a pageant about the British in India, I've got to make it 31 00:02:03,650 --> 00:02:04,650 Read it out. 32 00:02:04,670 --> 00:02:07,750 This is the bit about the Indian mutiny, where the people are revolting. 33 00:02:08,389 --> 00:02:12,410 Officer, you swine, you foul swine, you betrayed your trust. 34 00:02:12,790 --> 00:02:13,950 Bring on the next one. 35 00:02:14,890 --> 00:02:16,770 They drag on the trust -up seaport. 36 00:02:17,930 --> 00:02:20,530 Officer, trust him to the cannon for betraying his trust. 37 00:02:21,010 --> 00:02:22,770 The cheap boy's trust to the cannon. 38 00:02:24,330 --> 00:02:25,510 Yeah, what do you think of that, sir? 39 00:02:26,190 --> 00:02:27,190 Too many trusses. 40 00:02:28,230 --> 00:02:29,390 What do you think, Sergeant Major? 41 00:02:30,270 --> 00:02:32,910 Well, sir, I mean, being tied to a cannon could give anybody a rupture. 42 00:02:33,910 --> 00:02:36,630 I love that bit you wrote about stuffing people down the black hole. 43 00:02:38,150 --> 00:02:40,790 You mean the black hole of Calcutta? Yeah, it's just the sort of thing that 44 00:02:40,790 --> 00:02:41,910 would appeal to the district officer. 45 00:02:42,170 --> 00:02:43,310 He's a real old blimp, you know. 46 00:02:43,570 --> 00:02:44,650 Loves the red, white and blue. 47 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,660 So we've got to present the British in the best possible light. 48 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:49,520 That's a good idea, sir. 49 00:02:50,140 --> 00:02:52,420 It's about time we British blew our own trumpets. 50 00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:56,220 I'm very proud, sir, to have served in the British Army in India for the past 51 00:02:56,220 --> 00:02:56,918 ten years. 52 00:02:56,920 --> 00:03:01,280 And during that time, sir, I've had some wonderful comrades, tough men, every 53 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:03,140 one of them real soldiers. 54 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:05,240 Come in. 55 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:08,600 We're all waiting. 56 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:14,440 Shut up! 57 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:15,560 What are you talking about? 58 00:03:15,780 --> 00:03:18,380 You told me to get the concert party on Friday for ten hundred hours. 59 00:03:18,940 --> 00:03:21,980 Shut up, you. Do not come in here like a girl guide mistress. We've been all 60 00:03:21,980 --> 00:03:22,980 waiting. 61 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:26,960 There's supposed to be a bombardier in the Royal Artillery who comes in here 62 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:28,920 he says, The man is on parade, sir! 63 00:03:29,180 --> 00:03:30,180 Do it. 64 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:31,780 The man is on parade, sir! 65 00:03:34,860 --> 00:03:38,120 Sir, may I know, will you tell the chefs about our demobilisation plans? 66 00:03:38,420 --> 00:03:40,240 Oh, he does not want their minds on going on, sir. 67 00:03:40,570 --> 00:03:41,750 Do you mean we're all going home, sir? 68 00:03:41,970 --> 00:03:44,150 In a manner of speaking, yes. Shut up and wait outside. 69 00:03:47,630 --> 00:03:51,110 Fellas, we're all going home. What are you talking about, Gloria? 70 00:03:51,390 --> 00:03:54,030 I just heard the colonel tell the sergeant major we're all going to be 71 00:03:54,030 --> 00:03:57,270 demobilized. Stop sucking ice. 72 00:03:57,790 --> 00:03:59,970 Not you, not you. 73 00:04:01,650 --> 00:04:02,650 Done that ice. 74 00:04:03,170 --> 00:04:08,370 Now, the colonel has instructed me to read out to you the demobilization 75 00:04:09,070 --> 00:04:10,090 Can I go and pack my bag? 76 00:04:10,330 --> 00:04:11,330 Shut up! 77 00:04:11,390 --> 00:04:12,990 I'm saying he was not going anywhere sudden. 78 00:04:13,930 --> 00:04:17,950 Informing a decomposition of who goes in what group, the War Office, in its 79 00:04:17,950 --> 00:04:20,870 wisdom, has taken the following things into consideration. 80 00:04:21,450 --> 00:04:23,350 Length of service and age. 81 00:04:23,910 --> 00:04:28,130 Now, none of you is very old, and since you do not get points for having a bald 82 00:04:28,130 --> 00:04:35,010 head... ..or being the only garden gnome in the British 83 00:04:35,010 --> 00:04:36,010 Army... 84 00:04:41,230 --> 00:04:44,310 You're going to have to wait a very long, long time, Sagan. How long have 85 00:04:44,310 --> 00:04:45,310 been in the army? 86 00:04:45,370 --> 00:04:46,370 Eleven months. 87 00:04:46,650 --> 00:04:49,470 Pathetic. I've only been here for ten months, Sergeant Major. 88 00:04:50,030 --> 00:04:52,690 Ah, yes, but you have made very good use of your time, my son. 89 00:04:53,990 --> 00:04:56,090 What's my D -MOM number, Sergeant Major? My word. 90 00:04:57,970 --> 00:04:59,370 You is top of the form, boy. 91 00:04:59,890 --> 00:05:02,590 I must congratulate you on having such eye marks. 92 00:05:02,990 --> 00:05:05,490 Sagan, your number is 98. 93 00:05:07,210 --> 00:05:08,850 How much longer have I got in the army, then? 94 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:11,080 Difficult question. 95 00:05:11,420 --> 00:05:16,120 However, with the aid of Mr. Lardy Dog and a great huge and shiny brain, we 96 00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:19,220 attempt to solve it. How long's he got? Well, I'd have to know when the war's 97 00:05:19,220 --> 00:05:22,080 going to end to work it out, Sergeant Major. Well, let us take an 98 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:23,080 example. 99 00:05:24,380 --> 00:05:27,520 Let's assume that the war is going to end dinner time today. 100 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:32,420 Ah, let me see. They're going to release two groups a month, 24 a year, divided 101 00:05:32,420 --> 00:05:33,420 by four. 102 00:05:33,740 --> 00:05:37,780 If the war ends today, it will be four years and two months. 103 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,880 Oh, dear. Au chard. Never mind. 104 00:05:42,900 --> 00:05:45,880 You will be the only one left. 105 00:05:47,620 --> 00:05:51,600 Oh, you know, we British have so much to look forward to when we get home. 106 00:05:51,980 --> 00:05:54,380 Oh, blimey, yes. A brave new world. 107 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:58,860 Everything is going to be free because we have the beverage report. 108 00:05:59,300 --> 00:06:01,140 Oh, the beverage report. 109 00:06:01,460 --> 00:06:04,180 You mean everyone is going to have three cups of cha? 110 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:05,980 You bloody fool. 111 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:08,180 Not that kind of beverage. 112 00:06:08,900 --> 00:06:11,320 It is what we are calling a healthy service. 113 00:06:11,780 --> 00:06:17,340 It means that you can go to Dr. Thob and get a free wig, free false teeth, and 114 00:06:17,340 --> 00:06:18,340 free spectacles. 115 00:06:18,380 --> 00:06:21,820 But I have plenty of hair on all my teeth, and I don't need any spectacle. 116 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:24,280 Don't be so ruddy ungrateful. 117 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:27,120 Hmm. 118 00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:28,500 Not bad at all. 119 00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:34,540 Not bad at all, Ashford. You, uh... You don't think it's too, uh, jingoistic, 120 00:06:34,620 --> 00:06:35,620 sir? No, no, no. 121 00:06:35,909 --> 00:06:37,910 Grant Foster, the district officer, will just love it. 122 00:06:38,170 --> 00:06:41,110 Oh, by the way, this visit of his is very important to me, you know. 123 00:06:41,550 --> 00:06:42,830 I have it on the very best authority. 124 00:06:43,290 --> 00:06:45,210 There are one or two OBEs floating about. 125 00:06:45,410 --> 00:06:47,870 Oh, do you think I'll get one, sir? No, but I might. 126 00:06:48,570 --> 00:06:49,570 I know it's on the list. 127 00:06:49,850 --> 00:06:53,310 And if I can just make a good impression with this pageant, it might just pinch 128 00:06:53,310 --> 00:06:54,310 it for me. Come on. 129 00:06:54,710 --> 00:06:55,710 One, two! 130 00:06:58,670 --> 00:06:59,670 It's just one thing, sir. 131 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:03,160 I don't think Bombardier Beaumont ought to produce the pageant. He'll probably 132 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:04,400 have them all doing high kicks. 133 00:07:04,900 --> 00:07:07,480 Who's going to do it, then? I thought Gunner Graham. 134 00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:12,040 After all, he is a university man, and he can give it the integrity it needs. 135 00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:14,220 The man is ready for you now, sir. 136 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:15,440 Thank you, Sergeant Major. 137 00:07:15,540 --> 00:07:16,700 Stand up at ease, will you? 138 00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:18,080 Thunder! 139 00:07:19,140 --> 00:07:20,140 Ice! 140 00:07:22,340 --> 00:07:23,340 Right, chaps. 141 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:27,560 Now, in two weeks' time, the district officer, Grant Foster, is visiting the 142 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:31,980 depot. Now, he's a very patriotic man, so in order that you can make a good 143 00:07:31,980 --> 00:07:35,680 impression on him, Captain Ashford here has written a pageant for you to 144 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:40,060 perform. It's called The British in India, and it deals with all the good 145 00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:43,660 we British have done for the Indians over the past 200 years. 146 00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,420 Right, you'd better put them in the picture, Ashford. Very good, sir. 147 00:07:56,740 --> 00:08:00,460 Now, the first thing I have to tell you is that the pageant will be produced by 148 00:08:00,460 --> 00:08:01,460 Gunnar Graham. 149 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:05,180 That's not fair, sir. I always produce all the shows. 150 00:08:05,500 --> 00:08:07,180 Shut up, how dare you? No talking in the ranks. 151 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:10,660 Don't worry, Beaumont, you will be playing the leading part, Queen 152 00:08:13,020 --> 00:08:15,500 Now then, I'll read out your names one by one. 153 00:08:15,820 --> 00:08:18,400 and tell you which historical characters you will be playing. 154 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:21,800 Right, when the officer calls out your name, you will take one pace forward and 155 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:23,360 learn about your historical parts. 156 00:08:24,900 --> 00:08:25,900 Sir Hawkins? 157 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:29,100 Sir? You will be playing Dizzy. 158 00:08:29,820 --> 00:08:30,820 Yes, sir. 159 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:37,120 With respect, sir, if you want somebody to take the part of a idiot, I mean, why 160 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:39,260 not have somebody more appropriate, like Gunnar Sundin? 161 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:43,159 I'm talking about Benjamin Disraeli. 162 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:45,280 Gunnar McIntosh? 163 00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:48,560 Sir? You'll play John Brown. Gunner McIntosh, John Brown! 164 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:50,540 Oh, hi. Oh, hi, the news. 165 00:08:51,940 --> 00:08:53,680 I say, that's awfully good. 166 00:08:55,980 --> 00:08:56,959 Gunner Clark? 167 00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,260 Sir? You'll play Clyde. Yes, sir. 168 00:09:00,100 --> 00:09:01,100 Gunner Sugden? 169 00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:03,980 Yes, sir. You'll play General Whitehouse. 170 00:09:04,220 --> 00:09:05,920 Gunner Sugden, General Short Heist! 171 00:09:08,380 --> 00:09:10,660 Be gone, sir, slip of the tongue. General Whitehouse! 172 00:09:11,220 --> 00:09:12,220 Yes, sir. 173 00:09:12,460 --> 00:09:13,459 Gunner Evans? 174 00:09:13,460 --> 00:09:14,399 Sir? 175 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:15,860 Ah. Yes. 176 00:09:16,340 --> 00:09:19,280 Well, there'll be a few bits and pieces for you. 177 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:21,940 Can I play Prince Albert, please? 178 00:09:22,700 --> 00:09:23,700 Can you play what? 179 00:09:23,820 --> 00:09:25,480 Speak up! Prince Albert, sir. 180 00:09:26,260 --> 00:09:27,660 Prince Albert isn't even in it. 181 00:09:28,060 --> 00:09:29,060 Oh. 182 00:09:29,860 --> 00:09:30,860 That's a pity. 183 00:09:30,980 --> 00:09:32,040 I look like him. 184 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:38,620 Right, well, that's all. I think jolly good luck and make it a first -class 185 00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:39,880 show. Carry on, bombardier. 186 00:09:45,370 --> 00:09:46,450 Terrible. It's boring. 187 00:09:46,690 --> 00:09:48,330 It's got no jokes and no song. 188 00:09:48,810 --> 00:09:49,810 I couldn't agree more. 189 00:09:50,130 --> 00:09:53,070 And besides that, I'm the bombardier and I should be in charge. All right, 190 00:09:53,130 --> 00:09:55,810 you're the bombardier, you're in charge. You go and tell the colonel that 191 00:09:55,810 --> 00:09:57,530 Captain Ashwood's pageant is terrible. 192 00:09:57,750 --> 00:09:59,910 It's got no jokes, no songs and is boring. 193 00:10:00,210 --> 00:10:01,210 What, you mad? 194 00:10:01,470 --> 00:10:04,230 Precisely. We've got to do it. So let's get on and do it. Now, come on. Come 195 00:10:04,230 --> 00:10:05,230 along. 196 00:10:05,550 --> 00:10:06,550 Quiet, 197 00:10:08,030 --> 00:10:09,690 everybody. Quiet, everybody. 198 00:10:10,730 --> 00:10:11,730 Everybody quiet. 199 00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:22,660 stage manager, so I have to tell them to be quiet as well. 200 00:10:23,260 --> 00:10:24,260 You ready, Gloria? 201 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:25,520 Yes, baby! 202 00:10:25,540 --> 00:10:26,540 Enter! 203 00:10:47,910 --> 00:10:51,230 It doesn't say, good evening, ladies and gentlemen, in the script. You're making 204 00:10:51,230 --> 00:10:52,770 a sound like a cheap variety turn. 205 00:10:53,990 --> 00:10:54,990 That's nice. 206 00:10:55,890 --> 00:10:57,190 Cheap variety turn, am I? 207 00:10:57,810 --> 00:11:00,670 Let me tell you, I'm proud to have greased my money through my veins. 208 00:11:01,030 --> 00:11:04,430 It's better than being a la -di -da university twit. Pumps about all day 209 00:11:04,510 --> 00:11:05,510 four, four, four. 210 00:11:07,110 --> 00:11:10,210 I'm the bombardier, and I'm going to do it with razzmatazz. 211 00:11:11,250 --> 00:11:12,229 Gloria's right. 212 00:11:12,230 --> 00:11:13,850 Let's need some razzmatazz. 213 00:11:14,310 --> 00:11:15,390 I'll go along with Gloria. 214 00:11:15,930 --> 00:11:16,930 Razzmatazz is everything. 215 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:20,060 When it comes to showbiz, Gloria's got it up here. 216 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:23,320 You know something? Before he came along, I was useless. 217 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:29,860 Yeah, and he taught me how to enhance my natural good looks with a few dead 218 00:11:29,860 --> 00:11:30,980 strokes of grease paint. 219 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:35,860 Oh, son, what an overwhelmingly large testimonial you have been given. 220 00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:39,760 I see. 221 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:45,600 I've got a marvellous idea. When you come on, you say, good evening, ladies 222 00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:46,600 gentlemen. 223 00:11:46,620 --> 00:11:48,820 Right, let's do the entrance again, shall we? 224 00:11:49,220 --> 00:11:51,060 Enter Queen Victoria. 225 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:03,620 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 226 00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:07,480 Excuse me, sir. You have forgotten your cheek. 227 00:12:07,740 --> 00:12:08,739 Oh, I don't need that. 228 00:12:08,740 --> 00:12:12,660 Laurie, it's a well -known historical fact that Queen Victoria had a fat face. 229 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,400 Oh, right. 230 00:12:32,330 --> 00:12:33,690 Then you can eat it afterwards. 231 00:12:34,750 --> 00:12:37,450 All right. Do it without the teeth. 232 00:12:37,670 --> 00:12:38,670 Thank you very much. 233 00:12:42,350 --> 00:12:43,350 That. 234 00:12:44,690 --> 00:12:49,070 Let me tell you the story of what we British did for the Indians and how we 235 00:12:49,070 --> 00:12:50,070 them civilized. 236 00:12:51,770 --> 00:12:56,110 I am the Empress of India. And one day, I was sitting in my study at Windsor 237 00:12:56,110 --> 00:12:59,190 Castle, and in came my faithful Highland servant. 238 00:12:59,630 --> 00:13:01,550 Ladies and gentlemen, John... 239 00:13:06,510 --> 00:13:10,270 Ladies and gentlemen, I am the Queen's faithful Highland servant, John Brown. 240 00:13:10,670 --> 00:13:12,950 Keep right on to the end. 241 00:13:13,610 --> 00:13:15,470 What are you doing? 242 00:13:15,850 --> 00:13:17,990 I'm just giving it some Scottish razzmatazz. 243 00:13:19,030 --> 00:13:22,010 Anyhow, John Brown was a crawler. I was sucking up to the English. 244 00:13:22,490 --> 00:13:26,490 Kneel. Then in came my faithful Prime Minister. 245 00:13:26,750 --> 00:13:28,530 Ladies and gentlemen, Benjamin. 246 00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:38,620 the Queen's faithful Prime Minister, Benjamin Disraeli. Oy vey, all ready. 247 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,180 What does that mean? 248 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,000 Well, he was Jewish, wasn't he? 249 00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:47,040 I can't go on. 250 00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:48,460 I've had enough. 251 00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:49,560 I've had enough. 252 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:50,780 It's a travesty. 253 00:13:50,980 --> 00:13:52,080 It's rubbish, rubbish. 254 00:13:52,340 --> 00:13:54,100 I could write a better page in this thing than I can. 255 00:13:54,380 --> 00:13:55,039 Get on with it. 256 00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:56,400 I will not get on with it. It's rubbish. 257 00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,780 I'll take me to the Prince Albert, will you? 258 00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:02,220 I'll do it. I'll do it because I... 259 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:11,720 Let me tell you the story of Clive and the black hole of Calcutta. I think I'll 260 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:12,780 stand up for this next bit. 261 00:14:13,580 --> 00:14:15,440 The page of history turns. 262 00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:17,140 The page of history turnings up. 263 00:14:20,140 --> 00:14:24,100 And England and Scotland. 264 00:14:24,540 --> 00:14:26,960 Well, tonight's the night, Ashwood. I expect you're feeling nervous. 265 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:28,360 Yes, I am, Robert. 266 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:33,240 You know, I've been thinking, if this pageant is a success, after the war I 267 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:36,940 might... chuck up my job in Civet Street and become a playwright. Steady on, 268 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,180 Ash, but I shouldn't do anything too rash. 269 00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:41,960 The question I have to ask myself is, how good am I? 270 00:14:42,180 --> 00:14:44,680 Ah, well, what do you think, Sergeant Major? 271 00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:47,900 Yes, Sergeant Major, you read it. 272 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:52,240 I mean, I'm asking you, as a man in the street, what did you think of it? 273 00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:55,640 Well, sir, I do not know much about the playwriting. 274 00:14:56,020 --> 00:14:59,020 To be fair, I don't think he was quite any class of Noel Coward. 275 00:15:00,420 --> 00:15:01,980 Or Somerset Morgan. 276 00:15:05,740 --> 00:15:07,600 I'd been about stuffing people down the black hole. 277 00:15:09,860 --> 00:15:11,760 How perceptive of you, Sergeant Major. 278 00:15:12,020 --> 00:15:14,160 That scene is the key to the whole thing. 279 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:17,940 If it wasn't easy, I was up for two nights resting with it. 280 00:15:18,260 --> 00:15:22,980 I had to say to myself, what would my feelings be if I was stuffed down that 281 00:15:22,980 --> 00:15:23,839 black hole? 282 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,760 You'd like it very much, Admiral. 283 00:15:26,580 --> 00:15:28,240 Exactly, sir. That's the answer. 284 00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:30,760 I wouldn't want to go down there. 285 00:15:31,020 --> 00:15:35,650 Now... There's this chap standing outside the black hole and not wanting 286 00:15:35,650 --> 00:15:36,650 down there. 287 00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:38,070 Now, what would he say? 288 00:15:39,050 --> 00:15:40,610 Then it came to me in a flash. 289 00:15:40,910 --> 00:15:45,130 He'd say, please don't stuff me down that black hole. 290 00:15:45,730 --> 00:15:48,410 Please don't stuff me down that black hole. 291 00:15:49,050 --> 00:15:51,510 Please. Sorry, am I interrupting anything? 292 00:15:51,750 --> 00:15:52,750 No, not at all. Come in. 293 00:15:53,470 --> 00:15:54,470 Good morning. 294 00:15:54,630 --> 00:15:55,750 My name's Collins. 295 00:15:56,030 --> 00:15:57,930 I'm the LO to the district officer. 296 00:15:58,290 --> 00:15:59,290 Ah, good morning. 297 00:16:00,110 --> 00:16:02,610 Colonel Reynolds, Captain Ashford, Sergeant Major Williams. 298 00:16:02,850 --> 00:16:03,850 Well, 299 00:16:04,090 --> 00:16:06,950 I just popped over to settle the last -minute arrangements for tonight. 300 00:16:07,290 --> 00:16:09,590 Oh, good. Well, the consular party are having their dress rehearsal this 301 00:16:09,590 --> 00:16:12,450 afternoon. Would you like to watch it? Oh, rather. I shall enjoy that. 302 00:16:12,690 --> 00:16:15,570 Oh, by the way, who's written this pageant? Captain Ashford. 303 00:16:16,330 --> 00:16:17,330 Oh, I say. 304 00:16:18,590 --> 00:16:20,950 Are you one of these writer chappies? 305 00:16:21,190 --> 00:16:22,950 Well, in a way, yes. 306 00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:25,910 I dabble a bit, you know. 307 00:16:26,290 --> 00:16:27,590 I say, do you really? 308 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:31,880 Pierce, we could discuss it over some lunch. Oh, rather. I shall enjoy that. 309 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,120 Rather, I shall enjoy that. 310 00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:41,740 I'd like to stuff them all down the black hole. 311 00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:48,460 Don't stuff me down the black hole. 312 00:16:48,780 --> 00:16:49,780 Have mercy. 313 00:16:49,980 --> 00:16:52,840 I shall show you no mercy. 314 00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:54,180 Get me down. 315 00:16:56,340 --> 00:16:57,340 Do you hear that? 316 00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:01,480 Point at words, they see everything, don't they? He doesn't want to go down 317 00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:04,060 there. I think it's pretty obvious to everyone by now. 318 00:17:05,220 --> 00:17:07,480 I was determined to have my revenge. 319 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:13,579 Watch this. Take a break for one minute or two. 320 00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:17,920 What on earth's the matter, Ashwood? You look as though you're going to be sick. 321 00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:20,900 I can't believe I've written it, sir. 322 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:23,280 It's magic. 323 00:17:24,420 --> 00:17:26,300 My words have all come to life. 324 00:17:28,460 --> 00:17:29,460 How do you like it, Collins? 325 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:34,340 Oh, this is really strong stuff. Very pro -British. The old man will laugh it 326 00:17:34,340 --> 00:17:35,319 off. 327 00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:36,320 Right, carry on. 328 00:17:36,460 --> 00:17:39,040 It's the bit about the Indian Mutiny next, sir. 329 00:17:40,060 --> 00:17:42,020 The page of history turns. 330 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:45,240 Page of history turning, sir. 331 00:17:51,540 --> 00:17:55,300 1857. I was having a lot of troubles with my empire. 332 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:00,080 I was having in my poo -jam. 333 00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:06,900 But let General Whitehouse tell you in his own words. 334 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:11,380 Ladies and gentlemen, General Whitehouse! 335 00:18:19,100 --> 00:18:23,000 Just watch it, all that noise out there. 336 00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:28,040 General Whitehouse, your sepoys are revolting. 337 00:18:35,150 --> 00:18:38,150 seem to fight on this greasy cartridge because of his religion. 338 00:18:38,690 --> 00:18:39,810 Stuff and nonsense. 339 00:18:40,250 --> 00:18:41,510 Take it by might. 340 00:18:42,310 --> 00:18:48,390 I'm sure 341 00:18:48,390 --> 00:18:53,210 this Indian chap is a good actor. 342 00:18:53,830 --> 00:18:55,130 What's he going on about, Graham? 343 00:18:55,550 --> 00:18:57,890 I don't know, sir. Something seems to have gone wrong here. What's he saying, 344 00:18:57,910 --> 00:19:01,370 Angie? Sir, he's saying he will not bite the cottage because of the grease. 345 00:19:01,590 --> 00:19:02,730 It is against his religion. 346 00:19:02,930 --> 00:19:03,930 But it's in the play. 347 00:19:04,010 --> 00:19:07,210 It is also in real life, sir. Tell him his jaw. I've got to bite it, otherwise 348 00:19:07,210 --> 00:19:08,210 he'll be out of the show. 349 00:19:12,510 --> 00:19:17,530 We've got another mutiny on our hands. What are you going to do, Colonel? 350 00:19:17,850 --> 00:19:18,850 Be calm, everybody. 351 00:19:19,970 --> 00:19:20,970 Excuse me, sir. 352 00:19:21,100 --> 00:19:22,500 Why don't you try using Vaseline? 353 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:26,780 Good idea, Beaumont. Use Vaseline. It's not an animal fat. Comes from a royal 354 00:19:26,780 --> 00:19:27,780 well. 355 00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:32,980 Is it a male or feminine oil well? 356 00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:35,320 I don't know what all the fuss is about. 357 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:36,700 Tastes all right to me. 358 00:19:37,220 --> 00:19:38,220 Right, carry on. 359 00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:42,240 If they'd used Vaseline in 1857, there wouldn't have been a mutiny in the first 360 00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,720 place. Look, anyone could be clever with hindsight, Ashford. 361 00:19:45,460 --> 00:19:49,260 Right, take him out and tie him to a cannon. That will knock some sense into 362 00:19:49,260 --> 00:19:50,360 him. Yes, sir. 363 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:57,560 And so, once again, British Fair Play and Sound Common Sense Triumph 364 00:19:57,560 --> 00:19:59,480 and my... 365 00:20:21,870 --> 00:20:24,350 Do you think Grant Foster's going to like this? Oh, he'll go for it, all 366 00:20:24,510 --> 00:20:26,870 It's real patriotic blood and thunder stuff. 367 00:20:27,130 --> 00:20:28,150 Just his cup of tea. 368 00:20:28,690 --> 00:20:32,790 And I must say, you know, it's got a sort of naive integrity. 369 00:20:33,330 --> 00:20:34,309 Naive integrity? 370 00:20:34,310 --> 00:20:35,310 Hear that, Asher? 371 00:20:35,690 --> 00:20:36,910 Thank you very much. 372 00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:39,430 Must dash. See you tonight. 373 00:20:41,090 --> 00:20:42,090 Excuse me, sir. 374 00:20:42,270 --> 00:20:44,110 I must just have a word with my cast. 375 00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:48,150 What do you think of it, Sergeant Major? 376 00:20:48,790 --> 00:20:52,810 Well, sir, I does not wish to dedicate Captain Ashwood's work, but I've never 377 00:20:52,810 --> 00:20:54,590 seen such a load of old twaddle in all my life. 378 00:20:55,610 --> 00:21:02,470 You don't know where you go to. Why don't you go where... How do I look, ma 379 00:21:02,590 --> 00:21:04,270 Oh, beautiful, sir. 380 00:21:05,570 --> 00:21:07,090 But there is one thing missing, sir. 381 00:21:07,290 --> 00:21:08,290 Oh, what's that? 382 00:21:08,450 --> 00:21:13,830 I have seen a statue of Queen Victoria in Bombay, and she always has a pigeon 383 00:21:13,830 --> 00:21:14,389 her head. 384 00:21:14,390 --> 00:21:16,130 Why do you not have a pigeon on yours? 385 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:18,920 You burk. 386 00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:23,620 Now, Ashwood, as soon as Grant Foster gets here, we'll give him a few drinks, 387 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,340 take him out there and show him the show, and then take him back for a slap 388 00:21:26,340 --> 00:21:27,199 dinner, all right? 389 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:28,280 That should put him in a good mood. 390 00:21:29,860 --> 00:21:32,440 Ah, Collins, just in time for a drink. He's not coming. 391 00:21:32,940 --> 00:21:35,740 What? Grant Foster, he can't come. He's sending his deputy. 392 00:21:36,100 --> 00:21:39,040 Well, that's not much good. It certainly isn't. He's an Indian. 393 00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:40,840 Indian? 394 00:21:40,940 --> 00:21:43,880 Well, can't we change the show, sir? That was the risen time. 395 00:21:44,340 --> 00:21:46,200 Oh, Lord, what shall we do, sir? 396 00:21:46,620 --> 00:21:49,320 Sorry, Major. Go and tell the council party to get through the show as quickly 397 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:49,979 as possible. 398 00:21:49,980 --> 00:21:53,020 There's just a chance if they speak fast enough, this Indian chappie won't know 399 00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:54,020 what on earth they're talking about. 400 00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:56,679 Right, sir. 401 00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:57,680 But that's no good. 402 00:21:58,060 --> 00:22:01,560 This deputy Patel's an awkward man. He speaks perfect English. 403 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:04,980 It's all your fault, Ashford, writing this jingoistic rubbish. 404 00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:08,860 But you said you liked the bit about stuffing the people down the black hole. 405 00:22:09,060 --> 00:22:11,580 Will you shut up about the black hole? You're obsessed with it. 406 00:22:12,500 --> 00:22:14,460 The whole thing's absolute pitiful anyway. 407 00:22:15,860 --> 00:22:16,860 Petal? 408 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:19,940 But you said it had naive integrity. 409 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:22,760 I'm... I'm shattered. 410 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:25,240 Bang goes my OBE. 411 00:22:26,180 --> 00:22:27,360 What OBE? 412 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:29,620 I understood my name was on the list. 413 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:30,879 Yes, it was. 414 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:32,620 But this chap Patel crossed it off. 415 00:22:33,020 --> 00:22:34,020 Damn cheek. 416 00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:36,340 In that case, I don't care if he does see the pageant. 417 00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:40,080 You'd better care, sir. This could cause a serious diplomatic incident. 418 00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:43,020 Now, I should lose my job and you could face a court -martial. 419 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,000 Ah. 420 00:22:45,150 --> 00:22:47,030 Ah, yes, good evening, sir. Yes, do come in. 421 00:22:47,390 --> 00:22:50,510 This is Colonel Reynolds and Captain Ashwood. Good evening. 422 00:22:50,770 --> 00:22:52,850 May I present my wife, Mrs. Patel. 423 00:22:53,310 --> 00:22:54,310 Good evening. 424 00:22:54,970 --> 00:22:55,970 Tell us, do you drink? 425 00:22:56,110 --> 00:22:58,690 No, thank you, we do not drink. It is against our religion. 426 00:22:59,150 --> 00:23:02,990 Oh, yes, of course. Well, it's jolly nice of you to come along and see our 427 00:23:02,990 --> 00:23:04,570 little show. I didn't want to come. 428 00:23:04,790 --> 00:23:08,330 I've got quite enough work to do as it is, trying to clear up some of the mess 429 00:23:08,330 --> 00:23:09,330 you British have made. 430 00:23:09,550 --> 00:23:12,910 Oh, well, in that case, perhaps you'd rather not see it. No, now I'm here, it 431 00:23:12,910 --> 00:23:13,910 my duty to see it. 432 00:23:14,170 --> 00:23:17,150 Right, now, listen, Fallon. The Colonel wants us to get through the show very 433 00:23:17,150 --> 00:23:19,510 quickly so everybody speaks out, right? 434 00:23:19,850 --> 00:23:23,350 And Paderewski's going to play the piano very loudly so nobody can hear what 435 00:23:23,350 --> 00:23:23,969 we're saying. 436 00:23:23,970 --> 00:23:24,589 All right. 437 00:23:24,590 --> 00:23:26,910 And when I come on, do not play Royal Britannia. 438 00:23:27,170 --> 00:23:28,390 Well, what shall I play, then? 439 00:23:28,930 --> 00:23:31,830 Play what you usually play for a cheap variety turn. 440 00:23:33,490 --> 00:23:34,490 Right, sir. 441 00:23:34,590 --> 00:23:37,790 If you and the miss... er, you and your lady would care to sit down by here, 442 00:23:37,870 --> 00:23:39,370 sir, the show will commence. 443 00:23:41,850 --> 00:23:44,290 I just wish the ground would open and swallow me, sir. 444 00:23:45,710 --> 00:23:48,770 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show. 445 00:23:49,790 --> 00:23:51,970 Tonight we present... 446 00:23:51,970 --> 00:23:58,870 The story of the 447 00:23:58,870 --> 00:24:00,110 British in India. 448 00:24:03,970 --> 00:24:06,690 Ladies and gentlemen, Queen Victoria. 449 00:24:11,630 --> 00:24:12,630 Stop! 450 00:24:13,690 --> 00:24:15,230 I can't hear a word that's being spoken. 451 00:24:15,790 --> 00:24:17,570 There you go, Penelope. Stop that music. 452 00:24:19,390 --> 00:24:23,890 Now, start again and speak more slowly this time. 453 00:24:24,130 --> 00:24:25,130 Oh, no. 454 00:24:26,790 --> 00:24:33,610 Let me tell you what we British did for the Indians and how we made them 455 00:24:33,610 --> 00:24:40,090 civilized. No sooner do I sit down than you insult me. 456 00:24:40,949 --> 00:24:45,530 Are you aware, sir, that we Indians were civilized when you British were walking 457 00:24:45,530 --> 00:24:46,530 about in skins? 458 00:24:46,990 --> 00:24:49,770 With respect, sir, there has been a mistake by you. 459 00:24:50,330 --> 00:24:51,330 Queen Victoria! 460 00:24:52,390 --> 00:24:56,590 Why does not you learn your part proper? What she meant to say, sir, was how the 461 00:24:56,590 --> 00:24:57,830 Indians civilized us. 462 00:24:58,250 --> 00:24:59,250 Is that not correct? 463 00:24:59,470 --> 00:25:00,790 Yes, that's right, sir. Carry on in majesty. 464 00:25:04,790 --> 00:25:06,590 Ladies and gentlemen, jump! 465 00:25:13,230 --> 00:25:17,090 Ladies and gentlemen, I am John Brown, the Queen's faithful Highland servant. 466 00:25:17,350 --> 00:25:18,350 Och aye, the new. 467 00:25:18,410 --> 00:25:19,410 Och aye. 468 00:25:20,010 --> 00:25:22,350 Ladies and gentlemen, Benjamin Disraeli. 469 00:25:25,750 --> 00:25:29,410 I am the Queen's faithful Prime Minister, Benjamin Disraeli. 470 00:25:29,650 --> 00:25:33,170 And he was the first British Prime Minister who was a Indian. His real name 471 00:25:33,170 --> 00:25:34,170 Ben Amidulali. 472 00:25:37,370 --> 00:25:41,650 The page of history turns. 473 00:25:41,950 --> 00:25:43,530 Age of history turnings up. 474 00:25:47,950 --> 00:25:48,950 Clive of India. 475 00:25:51,910 --> 00:25:53,550 Good gentlemen, ladies and evening. 476 00:25:55,630 --> 00:26:00,630 My name is Clive of India, and I am very worried because the wicked Nawab of 477 00:26:00,630 --> 00:26:05,030 Bengal has captured 146 of my men, and he's going to stuff them down the black 478 00:26:05,030 --> 00:26:06,030 hole of Calcutta. 479 00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:14,020 This, of course, is not the true story of the black hole of Calcutta. 480 00:26:15,180 --> 00:26:17,300 Hands up who knows the real story. 481 00:26:19,340 --> 00:26:22,220 Gunner Graham, does you not know they were university education? 482 00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:31,400 Yes, well, they were actually a party of tourists who were inspecting the black 483 00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:33,500 hole, the door slammed behind them and they couldn't get out. 484 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:36,000 Well done. 485 00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:37,360 Clever boy. 486 00:26:37,580 --> 00:26:39,320 The page of history turned. 487 00:26:39,620 --> 00:26:41,240 Page of history turning, sir. 488 00:26:47,380 --> 00:26:48,380 1857. 489 00:26:49,220 --> 00:26:50,940 The Indian mutiny. 490 00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:58,860 General Whitehouse, your sea boys are revolting. But I have captured a 491 00:26:58,860 --> 00:27:00,900 ringleader. Are you going to buy the cartridge? 492 00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:03,640 No. 493 00:27:06,129 --> 00:27:08,150 This, of course, was not a mutiny at all. 494 00:27:08,490 --> 00:27:11,190 It is now generally agreed it was a industrial dispute. 495 00:27:13,510 --> 00:27:17,370 Take him out and pin him to the mouth of a cannon. What a terrible thing I hear 496 00:27:17,370 --> 00:27:19,550 you say, to pin a man to the mouth of a cannon. 497 00:27:20,030 --> 00:27:22,010 Let Gunner Graham tell you what really happened. 498 00:27:24,130 --> 00:27:26,810 Yes, well, this is a misinterpretation. 499 00:27:27,130 --> 00:27:29,230 What actually was said was... 500 00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:34,180 Take him out and get the opinion from the mouth of the canon, the Reverend 501 00:27:34,180 --> 00:27:35,180 Timothy Jones. 502 00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:38,820 Who was the arbitrator in the case? 503 00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,860 Enough of that. We was all very good friends, like. 504 00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:45,320 Happy days. Going to happy days. Fellas, happy days. 505 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:11,960 Well, 506 00:28:13,140 --> 00:28:17,860 Colonel, our Indian shows of song, dance, and mime are incomprehensible to 507 00:28:17,860 --> 00:28:18,779 Western eyes. 508 00:28:18,780 --> 00:28:22,640 Your shows are equally incomprehensible to our Eastern eyes. 509 00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:30,140 But whereas the Indian ones last for four or five hours, yours only last four 510 00:28:30,140 --> 00:28:31,140 five minutes. 511 00:28:31,300 --> 00:28:34,320 Perhaps we can learn something from you British after all. 512 00:28:35,100 --> 00:28:39,440 You know, there's an old Hindu proverb which say that if you are giving a 513 00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:42,460 lecture on history, Make sure you get your facts right. 514 00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:47,120 Otherwise, you may have to eat your words. And this would give you terrible 515 00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:48,120 hiccups. 516 00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:52,320 Because history has a habit of repeating itself. 517 00:29:30,659 --> 00:29:34,980 The boys are here. The boys to entertain you. 518 00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:37,180 Me! Help! 519 00:29:37,800 --> 00:29:40,640 B -O -Y -S Voice to entertain you!