1 00:00:07,089 --> 00:00:10,760 [CHORUS HUMMING] 2 00:00:20,895 --> 00:00:24,440 [♪♪♪] 3 00:01:36,178 --> 00:01:37,513 [CLEARS THROAT] 4 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:39,181 [SCREAMS] 5 00:01:40,766 --> 00:01:43,227 Who are you? We are three wise men. 6 00:01:43,394 --> 00:01:45,980 What? We are three wise men. 7 00:01:46,147 --> 00:01:49,191 What are you doing creeping around a cowshed at 2:00 in the morning? 8 00:01:49,358 --> 00:01:51,319 That doesn't sound very wise to me. 9 00:01:51,861 --> 00:01:55,698 We are astrologers. We have come from the East. 10 00:01:56,073 --> 00:01:58,034 Is this some kind of joke? 11 00:01:58,284 --> 00:02:00,244 We wish to praise the infant. 12 00:02:00,411 --> 00:02:02,079 We must pay homage to him. 13 00:02:02,288 --> 00:02:06,417 Homage? You're all drunk! It's disgusting! Out! Come on, out! 14 00:02:07,043 --> 00:02:10,338 Bursting in here with tales about Oriental fortune-tellers. Out! 15 00:02:10,546 --> 00:02:13,424 No, no, we must see him. Go and praise someone else's brat! 16 00:02:13,591 --> 00:02:17,553 We were led by a star! Led by a bottle, more like! Go on, out! 17 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,056 We must see him. We have presents! Out! 18 00:02:20,222 --> 00:02:22,183 Gold, frankincense, myrrh! 19 00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:25,394 Well, why didn't you say? He's over there. 20 00:02:25,561 --> 00:02:27,521 Sorry the place is a bit of a mess. 21 00:02:28,939 --> 00:02:30,941 Well, what is myrrh anyway? 22 00:02:31,108 --> 00:02:33,736 It is a valuable balm. A balm?! 23 00:02:33,903 --> 00:02:36,530 What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him! 24 00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:39,075 What? That's a dangerous animal! 25 00:02:39,241 --> 00:02:40,951 Throw it in the trough! No, it isn't! 26 00:02:41,202 --> 00:02:44,872 Yes, it is. It's a great big-- No, no, no, it is an ointment. 27 00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:49,418 Well, there is an animal called a balm, or did I dream it? 28 00:02:49,585 --> 00:02:53,422 So you're astrologers, are you? Well, what is he then? 29 00:02:53,589 --> 00:02:56,592 What star-sign is he? 30 00:02:56,759 --> 00:03:00,429 Capricorn. Capricorn, eh? What are they like? 31 00:03:00,596 --> 00:03:04,600 He's the Son of God. Our Messiah. King of the Jews! 32 00:03:04,767 --> 00:03:08,062 And that's Capricorn, is it? No, no, no, that's just him! 33 00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:11,440 Oh. I was gonna say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them. 34 00:03:11,607 --> 00:03:15,111 By what name are you calling him? Uh, Brian. 35 00:03:15,277 --> 00:03:19,448 KINGS: We worship you, O Brian, who are lord over us all. 36 00:03:19,907 --> 00:03:25,079 Praise unto you, Brian, and to the Lord, our Father. Amen. 37 00:03:25,246 --> 00:03:26,747 Do you do a lot of this, then? What? 38 00:03:26,914 --> 00:03:28,958 This praising. No, no. No, no. 39 00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:32,002 Well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. 40 00:03:32,169 --> 00:03:34,922 And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, 41 00:03:35,089 --> 00:03:38,259 but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time, all right? 42 00:03:38,426 --> 00:03:41,637 Thank you. Goodbye. 43 00:03:42,930 --> 00:03:44,932 Well, weren't they nice? 44 00:03:45,099 --> 00:03:49,395 Out of their bloody minds, but still, look at that! 45 00:03:49,687 --> 00:03:53,816 Here. Here, that's mine! Hey! Hey, you gave me that! 46 00:03:58,154 --> 00:04:01,282 [CHORUS SINGING] 47 00:04:06,996 --> 00:04:08,330 [BRIAN CRIES] 48 00:04:08,497 --> 00:04:10,166 Shut up! 49 00:04:11,292 --> 00:04:14,962 [♪♪♪] 50 00:04:18,132 --> 00:04:20,509 ♪ Brian ♪ 51 00:04:20,676 --> 00:04:24,638 ♪ The babe they called Brian ♪ 52 00:04:24,805 --> 00:04:27,892 ♪ He grew ♪ 53 00:04:28,058 --> 00:04:31,228 ♪ Grew, grew and grew ♪ 54 00:04:31,437 --> 00:04:34,732 ♪ Grew up to be ♪ 55 00:04:34,940 --> 00:04:38,194 ♪ Grew up to be ♪ 56 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:41,489 ♪ A boy called Brian ♪ 57 00:04:41,655 --> 00:04:45,826 ♪ A boy called Brian ♪ 58 00:04:45,993 --> 00:04:49,580 ♪ He had arms and legs ♪ 59 00:04:49,747 --> 00:04:53,042 ♪ And hands and feet ♪ 60 00:04:53,209 --> 00:04:55,878 ♪ This boy ♪ 61 00:04:56,045 --> 00:04:59,548 ♪ Whose name was Brian ♪ 62 00:04:59,882 --> 00:05:03,010 ♪ And he grew ♪ 63 00:05:03,177 --> 00:05:06,514 ♪ Grew, grew and grew ♪ 64 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:09,391 ♪ Grew up to be ♪ 65 00:05:09,558 --> 00:05:12,895 ♪ Yes, he grew up to be ♪ 66 00:05:13,062 --> 00:05:16,565 ♪ A teenager called Brian ♪ 67 00:05:16,732 --> 00:05:20,236 ♪ A teenager called Brian ♪ 68 00:05:20,402 --> 00:05:23,614 ♪ And his face became spotty ♪ 69 00:05:23,781 --> 00:05:27,201 ♪ Yes, his face became spotty ♪ 70 00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:31,038 ♪ And his voice dropped down low ♪ 71 00:05:31,205 --> 00:05:34,416 ♪ And things started to grow ♪ 72 00:05:34,583 --> 00:05:37,753 ♪ On young Brian and so ♪ 73 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:41,257 ♪ He was certainly no ♪ 74 00:05:41,423 --> 00:05:45,094 ♪ No girl named Brian ♪ 75 00:05:45,261 --> 00:05:50,391 ♪ Not a girl named Brian ♪ 76 00:05:55,771 --> 00:05:59,066 ♪ And he started to shave ♪ 77 00:05:59,233 --> 00:06:02,236 ♪ And have one off the wrist ♪ 78 00:06:02,403 --> 00:06:05,990 ♪ And want to see girls ♪ 79 00:06:06,156 --> 00:06:09,493 ♪ And go out and get pissed ♪ 80 00:06:09,660 --> 00:06:12,955 ♪ A man called Brian ♪ 81 00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:16,458 ♪ This man called Brian ♪ 82 00:06:16,625 --> 00:06:22,464 ♪ The man they called Brian ♪ 83 00:06:24,592 --> 00:06:28,304 ♪ This man called ♪ 84 00:06:28,470 --> 00:06:31,807 ♪ Brian ♪♪ 85 00:06:37,479 --> 00:06:38,814 Aah! 86 00:06:44,778 --> 00:06:47,865 [♪♪♪] 87 00:07:19,521 --> 00:07:22,858 JESUS: How blessed are those who know their need of God. 88 00:07:23,859 --> 00:07:26,362 How blessed are the sorrowful. 89 00:07:26,528 --> 00:07:30,741 They shall find consolation. 90 00:07:30,908 --> 00:07:34,536 How blessed are those of gentle spirit. 91 00:07:35,329 --> 00:07:38,499 They shall have the Earth for their possession. 92 00:07:39,249 --> 00:07:46,048 How blessed are those who hunger and thirst to see right prevail. 93 00:07:46,507 --> 00:07:49,218 They shall be satisfied. 94 00:07:50,678 --> 00:07:54,390 How blessed are those whose hearts are pure. 95 00:07:54,556 --> 00:07:56,892 They shall see God. 96 00:07:57,059 --> 00:07:58,686 Speak up! 97 00:07:58,852 --> 00:08:03,023 Shh. Quiet, Mum! Well, I can't hear a thing. 98 00:08:03,732 --> 00:08:05,567 Let's go to a stoning. 99 00:08:05,901 --> 00:08:09,196 You can go to a stoning anytime. Oh, come on, Brian. 100 00:08:09,405 --> 00:08:11,907 Will you be quiet?! 101 00:08:12,199 --> 00:08:14,076 Don't pick your nose! 102 00:08:14,243 --> 00:08:15,744 I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching. 103 00:08:15,911 --> 00:08:18,372 You was picking it while you was talking to that lady. 104 00:08:18,539 --> 00:08:21,458 I wasn't! Leave it alone. Give it a rest. 105 00:08:21,709 --> 00:08:26,296 Do you mind? I can't hear a word. Don't you "do you mind" me. 106 00:08:26,463 --> 00:08:29,258 I was talking to my husband. Go and talk to him somewhere else. 107 00:08:29,425 --> 00:08:32,928 I can't hear a bloody thing. Don't you swear at my wife. 108 00:08:33,095 --> 00:08:36,390 I was only asking her to shut up so we can hear, big nose. 109 00:08:36,557 --> 00:08:38,809 Don't you call my husband "big nose." 110 00:08:38,976 --> 00:08:42,062 Well, he has got a big nose. Could you be quiet, please? 111 00:08:42,229 --> 00:08:43,272 What was that? 112 00:08:43,439 --> 00:08:44,940 Don't know. I was busy talking to big nose. 113 00:08:45,107 --> 00:08:47,818 I think it was, "Blessed are the cheese makers." 114 00:08:48,485 --> 00:08:51,113 What's so special about the cheese makers? 115 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:53,240 Well, obviously, it's not meant to be taken literally. 116 00:08:53,407 --> 00:08:56,410 It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products. 117 00:08:56,618 --> 00:08:59,246 See, if you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, big nose. 118 00:08:59,413 --> 00:09:02,082 Hey, say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in! 119 00:09:02,249 --> 00:09:05,252 Better keep listening. Might be a bit about "blessed are the big noses." 120 00:09:05,419 --> 00:09:06,795 Oh, lay off him. 121 00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:11,091 You're not so bad yourself, conk-face. Where are you two from? Nose City? 122 00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:14,428 One more time, mate, I'll take you to the fucking cleaners! 123 00:09:14,595 --> 00:09:16,638 Language! 124 00:09:16,805 --> 00:09:19,016 And don't pick your nose! 125 00:09:19,224 --> 00:09:21,310 I wasn't going to pick my nose. I was gonna thump him! 126 00:09:21,477 --> 00:09:23,228 Hear that? "Blessed are the Greek." 127 00:09:23,437 --> 00:09:26,857 The Greek? Apparently, he'll inherit the Earth. 128 00:09:27,107 --> 00:09:29,818 Did anyone catch his name? You're not gonna thump anybody. 129 00:09:29,985 --> 00:09:32,029 I'll thump him if he calls me "big nose" again! 130 00:09:32,237 --> 00:09:33,822 Oh, shut up, big nose! 131 00:09:33,989 --> 00:09:35,824 Right. I warned you. 132 00:09:35,991 --> 00:09:37,993 I really will slug you so hard--! 133 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:41,371 Oh, it's the meek. "Blessed are the meek." 134 00:09:41,538 --> 00:09:45,626 Oh, that's nice. I'm glad they're getting something. They have a hell of a time. 135 00:09:45,834 --> 00:09:49,296 Listen, I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose. 136 00:09:49,463 --> 00:09:54,176 Your nose is gonna be three foot wide across your face by the time I'm finished! 137 00:09:54,384 --> 00:09:57,262 Shh! Who hit yours? Goliath's big brother? 138 00:09:57,805 --> 00:10:01,683 Right, that's your last warning. Oh, do pipe down. 139 00:10:03,393 --> 00:10:06,647 Silly bitch, getting in the way. 140 00:10:07,981 --> 00:10:09,316 Break it up! 141 00:10:09,525 --> 00:10:12,528 Come on, let's go to the stoning. All right. 142 00:10:13,529 --> 00:10:15,823 [♪♪♪] 143 00:10:17,032 --> 00:10:21,036 Blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the status quo, as far as I can tell, Reg. 144 00:10:21,203 --> 00:10:23,330 What Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is 145 00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:25,666 it's the meek who are the problem. 146 00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:30,295 JUDITH: Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg. Yes, I see. 147 00:10:30,671 --> 00:10:34,174 Come on, Brian, or they'll have stoned him before we get there. 148 00:10:34,341 --> 00:10:35,884 All right. 149 00:10:36,051 --> 00:10:40,222 Hey, get off her. That's disgusting. Officer, intervene here. 150 00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:45,227 Attempted rape going on. It's the chap with the big nose's fault. He started it all. 151 00:10:45,561 --> 00:10:48,021 I hate wearing these beards. 152 00:10:48,188 --> 00:10:50,399 Why aren't women allowed at stonings? 153 00:10:50,566 --> 00:10:52,109 It's written, that's why. 154 00:10:53,735 --> 00:10:57,072 Beard, madam? Oh, I haven't got time for no stonings. 155 00:10:57,239 --> 00:10:58,907 He's not well again. 156 00:10:59,074 --> 00:11:00,409 [DONKEY BRAYS] 157 00:11:00,576 --> 00:11:04,079 Stone, sir? They've got them lying on the ground. 158 00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:09,334 Not like these, sir. Look at this. Feel the quality of that. That's craftsmanship. 159 00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:13,422 All right. We'll have two with points and a big flat one. 160 00:11:13,589 --> 00:11:15,424 Could I have a flat one, Mum? Shh! 161 00:11:15,591 --> 00:11:17,050 Sorry. "Dad." 162 00:11:17,217 --> 00:11:20,429 All right. Two points, two flats and a packet of gravel. 163 00:11:20,596 --> 00:11:21,763 Packet of gravel. 164 00:11:21,930 --> 00:11:23,640 Should be a good one this afternoon. Yeah? 165 00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:25,142 Local boy. Oh, good. 166 00:11:25,350 --> 00:11:26,643 Enjoy yourselves. 167 00:11:26,935 --> 00:11:30,105 [CROWD YELLING] 168 00:11:45,412 --> 00:11:48,332 Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath... 169 00:11:48,498 --> 00:11:50,667 Do I say yes? Yes. Yes! 170 00:11:50,918 --> 00:11:54,504 You have been found guilty by the elders of the town 171 00:11:54,671 --> 00:11:57,591 of uttering the name of our Lord. 172 00:11:57,758 --> 00:12:00,344 And so as a blasphemer... 173 00:12:00,510 --> 00:12:01,595 [CROWD GASPS] 174 00:12:01,970 --> 00:12:05,474 You are to be stoned to death! 175 00:12:05,933 --> 00:12:09,519 Look, I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was: 176 00:12:09,686 --> 00:12:12,481 "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah." 177 00:12:12,648 --> 00:12:14,024 [CROWD GASPS] 178 00:12:14,191 --> 00:12:17,277 Blasphemy! He said it again! 179 00:12:17,694 --> 00:12:20,155 Did you hear him? CROWD: Yeah! Yes, we did! 180 00:12:20,322 --> 00:12:21,823 [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Really. 181 00:12:25,994 --> 00:12:27,996 Are there any women here today? 182 00:12:34,002 --> 00:12:38,674 Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me-- 183 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:41,802 Ow, lay off! We haven't started yet. 184 00:12:41,969 --> 00:12:43,512 Come on! Who threw that? 185 00:12:45,514 --> 00:12:47,015 Who threw that stone? Come on! 186 00:12:47,516 --> 00:12:49,685 [HIGH-PITCHED VOICES] She did! She did! 187 00:12:49,851 --> 00:12:52,354 [LOW-PITCHED VOICES] He did! He did! He did! 188 00:12:52,521 --> 00:12:54,690 Sorry, I thought we'd started. 189 00:12:54,856 --> 00:12:57,359 Go to the back. Oh, dear. 190 00:12:58,151 --> 00:12:59,861 Always one, isn't there? 191 00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:01,738 Now, where were we? 192 00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:05,575 I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah." 193 00:13:05,742 --> 00:13:07,494 [YELLING] 194 00:13:07,661 --> 00:13:09,830 You're only making it worse for yourself! 195 00:13:09,997 --> 00:13:12,541 Making it worse?! How could it be worse? 196 00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:15,252 Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah! 197 00:13:15,460 --> 00:13:19,047 I'm warning you! If you say "Jehovah" once more-- 198 00:13:19,214 --> 00:13:21,717 Right! Who threw that? 199 00:13:23,343 --> 00:13:25,387 Come on! Who threw that? 200 00:13:27,389 --> 00:13:29,349 [LOW-PITCHED VOICES] Him! Him! Him! 201 00:13:30,058 --> 00:13:31,560 Was it you? Yes. 202 00:13:31,893 --> 00:13:34,396 Right... Well, you did say "Jehovah." 203 00:13:38,734 --> 00:13:40,902 Stop. Stop. Will you stop that? 204 00:13:41,069 --> 00:13:42,070 Stop it! 205 00:13:42,237 --> 00:13:47,951 Now, look. No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle. 206 00:13:48,118 --> 00:13:49,536 Do you understand? 207 00:13:49,703 --> 00:13:53,040 Even-- And I want to make this absolutely clear. 208 00:13:53,206 --> 00:13:56,293 Even if they do say Jehovah. 209 00:14:02,382 --> 00:14:03,800 WOMAN: Good shot! 210 00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:07,262 [CROWD APPLAUDS] 211 00:14:07,429 --> 00:14:10,515 [♪♪♪] 212 00:14:15,062 --> 00:14:18,565 Have I got a big nose, Mum? Oh, stop thinking about sex. 213 00:14:18,732 --> 00:14:20,609 I wasn't. You're always on about it. 214 00:14:20,776 --> 00:14:22,152 Morning, noon and night. 215 00:14:22,319 --> 00:14:24,946 "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? 216 00:14:25,113 --> 00:14:28,116 Is it too big? ls it too small?" 217 00:14:31,161 --> 00:14:33,955 Alms for a leper. Alms for a leper. 218 00:14:34,122 --> 00:14:36,750 Alms for an ex-leper. 219 00:14:36,917 --> 00:14:40,796 Bloody donkey owners, all the same, ain't they? Never have any change. 220 00:14:40,962 --> 00:14:42,464 Here's a touch. 221 00:14:42,631 --> 00:14:45,801 Spare a talent for an old ex-leper? Buzz off. 222 00:14:45,967 --> 00:14:47,803 Spare a talent for an old ex-leper? 223 00:14:47,969 --> 00:14:50,305 A talent? That's more than he earns in a month. 224 00:14:50,472 --> 00:14:52,307 Half a talent then? Now, go away. 225 00:14:52,474 --> 00:14:53,934 Come on, big nose, let's haggle. What? 226 00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:58,939 All right, let's say you open at one shekel, I start at 2000, we close at 1800. 227 00:14:59,106 --> 00:15:00,148 No. 1750? 228 00:15:00,315 --> 00:15:01,817 Go away! 1740? 229 00:15:01,983 --> 00:15:04,653 Leave him alone. All right. Two shekels, just two. 230 00:15:04,820 --> 00:15:07,864 Isn't this fun, eh? Look, he's not giving you any money. 231 00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:09,950 So piss off! 232 00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:16,206 All right, sir, my final offer. Half a shekel for an old ex-leper? 233 00:15:16,373 --> 00:15:18,834 Did you say "ex-leper"? That's right, sir. 234 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:20,877 Sixteen years behind the bell and proud of it. 235 00:15:21,128 --> 00:15:23,380 Well, what happened? I was cured, sir. 236 00:15:23,588 --> 00:15:26,216 Cured? A bloody miracle, sir. God bless you. 237 00:15:26,383 --> 00:15:28,844 Who cured you? Jesus did, sir. 238 00:15:29,010 --> 00:15:31,138 I was hopping along, minding my own business. 239 00:15:31,304 --> 00:15:33,640 All of a sudden, up he comes, cures me. 240 00:15:33,807 --> 00:15:36,184 One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. 241 00:15:36,351 --> 00:15:38,061 Not so much as a by-your-leave. 242 00:15:38,228 --> 00:15:40,814 "You're cured, mate." Bloody do-gooder. 243 00:15:41,022 --> 00:15:44,484 Well, why don't you go and tell him that you want to be a leper again? 244 00:15:44,651 --> 00:15:46,736 I could do that, sir. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose. 245 00:15:46,903 --> 00:15:50,532 I was gonna ask him if he'd make me a bit lame in one leg during the week. 246 00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:53,201 You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass. 247 00:15:53,368 --> 00:15:54,703 Excuse my French, sir. 248 00:15:54,870 --> 00:15:57,539 Brian! Come and clean your room out. 249 00:15:58,999 --> 00:16:00,584 There you are. Thank you. Thank-- 250 00:16:00,750 --> 00:16:05,839 Half a dinar for me bloody life story? There's no pleasing some people. 251 00:16:06,006 --> 00:16:08,175 That's just what Jesus said, sir. 252 00:16:19,436 --> 00:16:20,520 Oh! 253 00:16:21,188 --> 00:16:22,772 Good afternoon. 254 00:16:23,064 --> 00:16:25,233 Oh, uh... Hello, officer. 255 00:16:25,901 --> 00:16:29,070 I'll be with you in a few moments, all right, dear? 256 00:16:29,237 --> 00:16:30,530 What's he doing here? 257 00:16:30,697 --> 00:16:32,782 Don't start that, Brian. Go clean your room out. 258 00:16:32,949 --> 00:16:34,284 Bloody Romans. 259 00:16:34,451 --> 00:16:37,746 Now, look, Brian. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have all this. 260 00:16:37,913 --> 00:16:41,541 And don't you forget it. We don't owe the Romans anything. 261 00:16:41,708 --> 00:16:44,211 That's not entirely true, is it, Brian? 262 00:16:44,377 --> 00:16:45,420 What do you mean? 263 00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:48,590 Well, you know when you were asking me about your...? 264 00:16:48,757 --> 00:16:52,594 My nose? Yes, there's a reason it's like it is. 265 00:16:52,761 --> 00:16:54,387 What is it? 266 00:16:54,554 --> 00:16:58,600 Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but... 267 00:16:58,934 --> 00:17:00,936 Well, Brian... 268 00:17:01,895 --> 00:17:05,232 your father isn't Mr. Cohen. I never thought he was. 269 00:17:05,398 --> 00:17:07,108 Now, none of your cheek! 270 00:17:07,275 --> 00:17:09,819 He was a Roman, Brian. 271 00:17:09,986 --> 00:17:12,614 He was a centurion in the Roman army. 272 00:17:12,781 --> 00:17:16,952 You mean you were raped?! Well, at first, yes. 273 00:17:17,118 --> 00:17:21,081 Who was it? Naughtius Maximus, his name was. 274 00:17:21,289 --> 00:17:23,583 Promised me the known world, he did. 275 00:17:23,750 --> 00:17:26,628 I was to be taken to Rome, house by the Forum... 276 00:17:26,795 --> 00:17:28,797 slaves, asses' milk... 277 00:17:28,964 --> 00:17:31,299 as much gold as I could eat. 278 00:17:31,508 --> 00:17:34,261 Then he, having his way with me he had-- Voom! 279 00:17:34,469 --> 00:17:35,804 Like a rat out of an aqueduct. 280 00:17:35,971 --> 00:17:37,180 The bastard. 281 00:17:37,347 --> 00:17:40,475 Yes, so next time you go on about the "bloody Romans," 282 00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:43,979 don't forget you're one of them. I'm not a Roman, Mum. 283 00:17:44,312 --> 00:17:48,483 And I never will be. I'm a kike, a yid, a Hebe, a hooknose. 284 00:17:48,650 --> 00:17:53,530 I'm kosher, Mum. I'm a Red Sea pedestrian and proud of it! 285 00:17:54,781 --> 00:17:56,449 [DOOR SLAMS] 286 00:17:57,617 --> 00:18:00,787 Sex, sex, sex, that's all they think about, huh? 287 00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:03,665 Well, how are you then, officer? 288 00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:07,752 [TRUMPETS SOUNDING] 289 00:18:13,341 --> 00:18:15,802 [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] 290 00:18:21,308 --> 00:18:27,230 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the next contest is between 291 00:18:27,397 --> 00:18:32,360 Frank Goliath, the Macedonian baby-crusher, 292 00:18:32,527 --> 00:18:36,197 and Boris Mineburg. 293 00:18:36,364 --> 00:18:37,907 BRIAN: Thank you, madam. 294 00:18:38,158 --> 00:18:41,161 Larks' tongues. Wrens' livers. 295 00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:45,540 Chaffinch brains. Jaguars' earlobes. 296 00:18:45,707 --> 00:18:48,418 Wolf-nipple chips. Get them while they're hot. They're lovely. 297 00:18:48,585 --> 00:18:52,213 Dromedary pretzels, only half a dinar. Tuscany fried bats... 298 00:18:52,380 --> 00:18:56,217 I do feel, Reg, that any anti-imperialist group like ours 299 00:18:56,384 --> 00:19:00,221 must reflect such a divergence of interest within its power base. 300 00:19:00,388 --> 00:19:01,723 Agreed. Francis? 301 00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:04,059 I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, 302 00:19:04,225 --> 00:19:08,188 provided the movement never forgets that it is the unalienable right of every man-- 303 00:19:08,355 --> 00:19:09,689 Or woman. Or woman. 304 00:19:09,856 --> 00:19:11,566 To rid himself-- Or herself. 305 00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:12,776 Agreed. Thank you, brother. 306 00:19:12,942 --> 00:19:15,320 Or sister. Or sister. 307 00:19:16,071 --> 00:19:17,864 Where was I? 308 00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:20,950 I think you finished. Oh. Right. 309 00:19:21,117 --> 00:19:24,579 It is the birthright of every man-- Or woman. 310 00:19:24,746 --> 00:19:27,207 Why don't you shut up about women, Stan? You're putting us off. 311 00:19:27,374 --> 00:19:30,126 Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement. 312 00:19:30,418 --> 00:19:32,420 Why are you always on about women, Stan? 313 00:19:33,254 --> 00:19:35,131 I want to be one. 314 00:19:36,257 --> 00:19:37,592 What? 315 00:19:37,842 --> 00:19:39,928 I want to be a woman. 316 00:19:40,095 --> 00:19:44,599 From now on, I want you all to call me Loretta. 317 00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:47,769 What? It's my right as a man. 318 00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:51,773 Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan? 319 00:19:52,148 --> 00:19:54,442 I want to have babies. 320 00:19:54,609 --> 00:19:56,277 You want to have babies?! 321 00:19:56,444 --> 00:19:59,114 It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them. 322 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:02,450 But you can't have babies. Don't you oppress me. 323 00:20:02,617 --> 00:20:06,121 I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb. 324 00:20:06,287 --> 00:20:10,166 Where's the foetus gonna gestate? You gonna keep it in a box? 325 00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:11,960 [SOBS] 326 00:20:13,670 --> 00:20:18,299 Here, I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, 327 00:20:18,466 --> 00:20:21,845 not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans', 328 00:20:22,011 --> 00:20:24,472 but that he can have the right to have babies. 329 00:20:24,764 --> 00:20:26,182 Good idea, Judith. 330 00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:30,520 We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister. 331 00:20:30,687 --> 00:20:33,106 What's the point? What? 332 00:20:33,273 --> 00:20:36,109 What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies 333 00:20:36,317 --> 00:20:38,695 when he can't have babies? 334 00:20:39,487 --> 00:20:43,950 It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression. 335 00:20:44,826 --> 00:20:47,495 Symbolic of his struggle against reality. 336 00:20:47,704 --> 00:20:49,914 [TRUMPETS SOUNDING] 337 00:20:54,627 --> 00:20:57,464 GUARD: Get out there. Get out. VICTIM: it's dangerous out there. 338 00:20:57,630 --> 00:20:59,549 [YELPS] 339 00:20:59,716 --> 00:21:01,509 [AUDIENCE LIGHTLY APPLAUDS] 340 00:21:11,644 --> 00:21:14,189 [AUDIENCE GRUMBLING] 341 00:21:15,940 --> 00:21:19,027 [BOOING] 342 00:21:19,944 --> 00:21:23,990 Larks' tongues. Otters' noses. Ocelots' spleens. 343 00:21:24,199 --> 00:21:25,992 Got any nuts? Haven't got any nuts, sorry. 344 00:21:26,159 --> 00:21:28,453 I've got wrens' livers, badgers' spleens-- 345 00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:29,746 No, no, no. 346 00:21:29,954 --> 00:21:32,415 Otters' noses? I don't want any Roman rubbish. 347 00:21:32,582 --> 00:21:34,209 Why don't you sell proper food? 348 00:21:34,375 --> 00:21:35,710 Proper food? 349 00:21:35,877 --> 00:21:38,004 Yeah, not those rich imperialist titbits. 350 00:21:38,213 --> 00:21:41,549 Don't blame me. I didn't ask to sell this stuff. 351 00:21:41,716 --> 00:21:44,344 All right, bag of otters' noses, then. Make it two. 352 00:21:44,511 --> 00:21:46,721 Two. Thanks, Reg. 353 00:21:46,888 --> 00:21:48,556 Are you the Judean People's Front? 354 00:21:48,723 --> 00:21:50,725 Fuck off. What? 355 00:21:50,892 --> 00:21:53,561 Judean People's Front! 356 00:21:53,728 --> 00:21:55,980 We're the People's Front of Judea. 357 00:21:56,189 --> 00:21:59,859 Judean People's Front, God! Wankers. 358 00:22:02,111 --> 00:22:05,240 Can I join your group? No, piss off. 359 00:22:05,406 --> 00:22:09,577 I didn't want to sell this. It's only a job. I hate the Romans as much as anybody. 360 00:22:09,744 --> 00:22:11,246 Shh! 361 00:22:12,038 --> 00:22:14,541 Are you sure? Oh, dead sure. 362 00:22:14,707 --> 00:22:16,376 I hate the Romans already. 363 00:22:16,584 --> 00:22:22,632 Listen, if you wanted to join the PFJ, you'd have to really hate the Romans. 364 00:22:22,799 --> 00:22:24,467 I do. 365 00:22:24,634 --> 00:22:26,010 Oh, yeah, how much? 366 00:22:26,553 --> 00:22:28,096 A lot. 367 00:22:30,390 --> 00:22:32,392 Right, you're in. Listen... 368 00:22:32,934 --> 00:22:35,562 the only people we hate more than the Romans 369 00:22:35,770 --> 00:22:37,397 are the fucking Judean People's Front. 370 00:22:37,564 --> 00:22:38,815 Splitters! 371 00:22:39,023 --> 00:22:40,608 And the Judean Popular People's Front. 372 00:22:40,775 --> 00:22:42,110 Oh, yeah. Splitters. 373 00:22:42,277 --> 00:22:44,946 And the People's Front of Judea. Yeah. Splitters. 374 00:22:45,113 --> 00:22:47,615 What? The People's Front of Judea. Splitters. 375 00:22:47,782 --> 00:22:50,618 We're the People's Front of Judea. 376 00:22:50,785 --> 00:22:53,454 Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front. 377 00:22:53,621 --> 00:22:55,582 People's Front. 378 00:22:55,832 --> 00:22:58,334 What ever happened to the Popular Front, Reg? 379 00:22:58,751 --> 00:23:00,128 He's over there. 380 00:23:02,964 --> 00:23:05,466 ALL: Splitter! 381 00:23:06,175 --> 00:23:07,969 [CROWD BOOING] 382 00:23:08,344 --> 00:23:10,638 [GLADIATOR PANTING AND GASPING] 383 00:23:10,847 --> 00:23:12,348 Oh! Oh... 384 00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:16,477 I think I'm about to have a cardiac arrest. 385 00:23:17,604 --> 00:23:19,480 Absolutely dreadful. 386 00:23:21,065 --> 00:23:24,485 [CROWD APPLAUDING AND CHEERING] 387 00:23:34,871 --> 00:23:38,333 What's your name? Brian. Brian Cohen. 388 00:23:39,125 --> 00:23:42,629 We may have a little job for you, Brian. 389 00:24:04,359 --> 00:24:06,027 [♪♪♪] 390 00:24:37,225 --> 00:24:41,062 What's this, then? "Romanes eunt domus"? 391 00:24:41,270 --> 00:24:44,399 "People called Romanes, they go the house"? 392 00:24:44,565 --> 00:24:46,526 It says, "Romans go home." 393 00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:50,697 No, it doesn't. What's Latin for "Roman"? 394 00:24:50,863 --> 00:24:52,532 Come on. Romanus? 395 00:24:52,699 --> 00:24:54,033 Goes like...? Anus? 396 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:56,786 Vocative plural of anus is...? 397 00:24:56,953 --> 00:24:58,871 Ani? Romani. 398 00:25:00,248 --> 00:25:02,625 "Eunt"? What is eunt? "Go." 399 00:25:02,792 --> 00:25:08,131 Conjugate the verb "to go." Ere, eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt. 400 00:25:08,297 --> 00:25:10,216 So eunt is...? 401 00:25:10,383 --> 00:25:13,052 Third person plural, present indicative. "They go." 402 00:25:13,219 --> 00:25:18,266 But "Romans go home" is an order, so you must use the...? 403 00:25:18,433 --> 00:25:20,810 Imperative! Which is...? 404 00:25:21,769 --> 00:25:23,980 Oh, "-I." How many Romans? 405 00:25:24,188 --> 00:25:27,942 Plural, plural. Ite. Ite. Ite. 406 00:25:28,776 --> 00:25:31,446 Domus? Nominative? 407 00:25:31,612 --> 00:25:35,450 "Go home." This is motion towards, isn't it, boy? 408 00:25:35,616 --> 00:25:39,328 Dative! Not dative, not the dative, sir! 409 00:25:40,246 --> 00:25:43,124 The accusative! Accusative! Domum, sir. Ad domum. 410 00:25:43,291 --> 00:25:46,127 Except that domus takes the...? The locative, sir. 411 00:25:46,294 --> 00:25:47,462 Which is...? Domum! 412 00:25:47,628 --> 00:25:49,922 Domum. 413 00:25:52,467 --> 00:25:53,634 Understand? Yes, sir. 414 00:25:53,801 --> 00:25:56,971 Write that 100 times. Yes, sir. Thank you. Hail Caesar. 415 00:25:57,138 --> 00:25:59,932 Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off. 416 00:26:00,141 --> 00:26:03,436 Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar and everything, sir. 417 00:26:25,666 --> 00:26:27,001 Finished. 418 00:26:28,377 --> 00:26:33,508 Right. Now, don't do it again. 419 00:26:44,644 --> 00:26:45,978 [♪♪♪] 420 00:26:56,072 --> 00:26:57,573 Hey! Bloody Romans. 421 00:27:32,733 --> 00:27:35,236 FRANCIS: We're getting in through the underground heating system here, 422 00:27:35,403 --> 00:27:38,072 up through into the main audience chamber here, 423 00:27:38,239 --> 00:27:40,741 and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. 424 00:27:41,325 --> 00:27:43,744 Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate 425 00:27:43,911 --> 00:27:47,582 that she's in our custody, and forthwith issue our demands. 426 00:27:47,832 --> 00:27:50,251 Any questions? What exactly are the demands? 427 00:27:50,459 --> 00:27:55,047 We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire Roman imperialist state, 428 00:27:55,214 --> 00:27:57,800 and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her. 429 00:27:57,967 --> 00:28:00,219 Cut her head off? Cut all her bits off. 430 00:28:00,428 --> 00:28:03,848 Send them back on the hour, every hour. Show them we're not to be trifled with. 431 00:28:04,056 --> 00:28:08,811 And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop her up, 432 00:28:08,978 --> 00:28:12,440 and that we shall not submit to blackmail. 433 00:28:12,607 --> 00:28:14,442 ALL: No blackmail! 434 00:28:14,609 --> 00:28:18,487 They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had. 435 00:28:18,738 --> 00:28:22,116 And not just from us! From our fathers, and from our fathers' fathers. 436 00:28:22,283 --> 00:28:24,493 And from our fathers' fathers' fathers. Yeah. 437 00:28:24,660 --> 00:28:26,787 And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers. 438 00:28:26,954 --> 00:28:28,623 All right, don't labour the point. 439 00:28:28,789 --> 00:28:32,001 And what have they ever given us in return? 440 00:28:33,961 --> 00:28:35,630 The aqueduct? 441 00:28:36,255 --> 00:28:37,924 What? The aqueduct. 442 00:28:38,466 --> 00:28:41,135 Oh. Yeah, they did give us that. That's true, yeah. 443 00:28:41,302 --> 00:28:43,304 And the sanitation. 444 00:28:43,471 --> 00:28:46,807 Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like? 445 00:28:46,974 --> 00:28:51,020 I'll grant you the aqueduct and sanitation, the two things the Romans have done. 446 00:28:51,187 --> 00:28:53,981 And the roads. Yeah, obviously the roads. 447 00:28:54,148 --> 00:28:56,192 I mean, the roads go without saying, don't they? 448 00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:58,653 But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct and the roads-- 449 00:28:58,819 --> 00:29:01,280 MAN 1: Irrigation. Medicine? 450 00:29:01,447 --> 00:29:04,116 Education. Yeah, yeah, all right, fair enough. 451 00:29:04,325 --> 00:29:06,327 And the wine. 452 00:29:07,453 --> 00:29:10,331 That's something we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left. 453 00:29:10,498 --> 00:29:11,666 MAN 2: Public baths. 454 00:29:11,832 --> 00:29:14,168 And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now. 455 00:29:14,335 --> 00:29:15,670 They certainly know how to keep order. 456 00:29:15,836 --> 00:29:19,340 Let's face it, they're the only ones who could in a place like this. 457 00:29:20,508 --> 00:29:25,221 All right, but apart from sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, 458 00:29:25,429 --> 00:29:29,016 irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system and public health, 459 00:29:29,183 --> 00:29:32,687 what have the Romans ever done for us? 460 00:29:32,853 --> 00:29:34,021 Brought peace? 461 00:29:34,230 --> 00:29:36,816 Oh, peace. Shut up! 462 00:29:36,983 --> 00:29:38,317 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 463 00:29:47,702 --> 00:29:52,415 I'm a poor man. My sight is poor. My legs are old and bented. 464 00:29:52,581 --> 00:29:57,044 It's all right, Matthias. It's all clear. 465 00:30:04,343 --> 00:30:06,512 Well, where's Reg? 466 00:30:07,263 --> 00:30:10,891 Reg. Reg. It's Judith. 467 00:30:11,058 --> 00:30:14,687 What went wrong? The first blow has been struck. 468 00:30:15,021 --> 00:30:17,732 Did he finish the slogan? A hundred times. 469 00:30:17,898 --> 00:30:22,028 In letters 10 foot high, all the way around the palace. 470 00:30:22,194 --> 00:30:24,071 Oh, great. 471 00:30:24,238 --> 00:30:29,952 Great. We need doers in our movement, Brian, but before you join us, know this: 472 00:30:30,119 --> 00:30:32,580 There is not one of us here who would not gladly suffer death 473 00:30:32,747 --> 00:30:35,082 to rid this country of the Romans once and for all. 474 00:30:35,249 --> 00:30:37,251 MAN: Well, one. 475 00:30:37,418 --> 00:30:41,255 Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid. Are you with us? 476 00:30:41,589 --> 00:30:43,257 Yes. 477 00:30:44,258 --> 00:30:48,971 From now on, you shall be called, "Brian, that is called Brian." 478 00:30:49,138 --> 00:30:51,432 Tell him about the raid on Pilate's palace, Francis. 479 00:30:51,599 --> 00:30:53,893 Right. This is the plan: 480 00:30:54,935 --> 00:30:57,563 Now, this is the palace in Caesar's Square. 481 00:30:57,772 --> 00:31:00,441 Our commando unit will approach from Fish Street under cover of night 482 00:31:00,816 --> 00:31:03,944 and make our way to the northwestern main drain. 483 00:31:04,111 --> 00:31:08,491 If questioned, we are sewage workers on our way to a conference. 484 00:31:08,657 --> 00:31:11,827 Reg, our glorious leader and founder of the PFJ, 485 00:31:12,036 --> 00:31:15,456 will be coordinating consultant at the drain head... 486 00:31:15,623 --> 00:31:20,127 though he will not be taking part in any terrorist action, as he has a bad back. 487 00:31:20,294 --> 00:31:22,922 Aren't you going to come with us? Solidarity, brother. 488 00:31:23,089 --> 00:31:25,800 Oh, yes. Solidarity, Reg. 489 00:31:25,966 --> 00:31:28,969 Once in the sewer, timing will be of the essence. 490 00:31:29,178 --> 00:31:31,972 There is a Roman feast later in the evening, so we must move fast... 491 00:31:32,139 --> 00:31:34,642 and don't wear your best sandals. 492 00:31:34,809 --> 00:31:38,979 Turning left here, we enter the Caesar Augustus Memorial Sewer. 493 00:31:39,146 --> 00:31:41,649 And from there proceed directly to the hypocaust. 494 00:31:41,816 --> 00:31:46,862 This has just been re-tiled. So, terrorists, careful with those weapons. 495 00:31:47,071 --> 00:31:50,574 We will now be directly beneath Pilate's audience chamber itself. 496 00:31:50,783 --> 00:31:54,787 This is the moment for Habakkuk to get out his prong. 497 00:32:09,218 --> 00:32:11,512 [♪♪♪] 498 00:32:54,430 --> 00:32:56,432 ALL: Shh! 499 00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:14,742 Campaign for Free Galilee. 500 00:33:15,409 --> 00:33:18,746 Oh. Uh... People's Front of Judea. Officials. 501 00:33:18,913 --> 00:33:20,247 Oh. 502 00:33:20,414 --> 00:33:21,790 What's your group doing here? 503 00:33:21,957 --> 00:33:24,585 We're gonna kidnap Pilate's wife, take her back, issue demands. 504 00:33:24,752 --> 00:33:26,086 So are we. What? 505 00:33:26,253 --> 00:33:27,922 That's our plan. 506 00:33:28,088 --> 00:33:29,965 We were here first. What do you mean? 507 00:33:30,174 --> 00:33:32,051 We thought of it first. Oh, yeah? 508 00:33:32,218 --> 00:33:34,303 Yes, a couple of years ago. 509 00:33:34,470 --> 00:33:37,431 We did. You got all your demands worked out? 510 00:33:37,598 --> 00:33:39,600 Of course we have. What are they? 511 00:33:39,767 --> 00:33:42,228 Well, I'm not telling you. Pull the other one. 512 00:33:42,394 --> 00:33:44,897 That's not the point. We thought of it before you. 513 00:33:45,064 --> 00:33:46,106 Did not. We did. 514 00:33:46,273 --> 00:33:47,608 You didn't. We bloody did! 515 00:33:47,775 --> 00:33:49,109 ALL: Shh! 516 00:33:49,276 --> 00:33:50,819 Bastards, we've been planning this for months. 517 00:33:50,986 --> 00:33:53,072 Well, tough titty for you, fish-face. 518 00:33:53,239 --> 00:33:55,074 All right. Why, you sly-- 519 00:33:55,282 --> 00:33:57,952 Brothers! Brothers! We should be struggling together! 520 00:33:58,118 --> 00:34:00,246 We are. 521 00:34:00,454 --> 00:34:01,747 We mustn't fight each other! 522 00:34:01,914 --> 00:34:05,084 Surely we should be united against the common enemy! 523 00:34:05,459 --> 00:34:07,336 ALL: The Judean People's Front?! 524 00:34:07,503 --> 00:34:10,130 No, no, the Romans! 525 00:34:10,297 --> 00:34:12,633 Oh, yeah. Yes. 526 00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:14,301 FRANCIS: Yeah, he's right. BRIAN: Look out! 527 00:34:14,510 --> 00:34:16,220 Careful. 528 00:34:21,308 --> 00:34:23,435 Right! Where were we? You were gonna punch me. 529 00:34:23,602 --> 00:34:24,853 Oh, yeah! 530 00:34:48,002 --> 00:34:49,795 Brothers! 531 00:34:49,962 --> 00:34:52,131 Get off! 532 00:35:07,187 --> 00:35:09,023 [PUNCH AND GROAN] 533 00:35:19,491 --> 00:35:21,493 [YELLS AND MOANS] 534 00:35:42,931 --> 00:35:45,434 [LAUGHS AND SPITS] 535 00:35:51,565 --> 00:35:53,609 MAN: You lucky bastard. 536 00:35:53,859 --> 00:35:55,235 Who's that? 537 00:35:55,402 --> 00:35:57,738 You lucky, lucky bastard. 538 00:35:57,905 --> 00:35:58,947 What? 539 00:35:59,114 --> 00:36:02,076 Proper little jailer's pet, aren't we? What do you mean? 540 00:36:02,242 --> 00:36:04,828 You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh? 541 00:36:05,037 --> 00:36:07,915 Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face! 542 00:36:08,123 --> 00:36:12,086 What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face? 543 00:36:12,252 --> 00:36:16,924 I sometimes hang awake at night, dreaming of being spat at in the face. 544 00:36:17,132 --> 00:36:19,927 Well, it's not exactly friendly. They had me in manacles! 545 00:36:20,094 --> 00:36:22,096 Manacles! 546 00:36:22,763 --> 00:36:24,056 My idea of heaven 547 00:36:24,223 --> 00:36:28,352 is to be allowed to be put in manacles just for a few hours. 548 00:36:28,560 --> 00:36:32,606 They must think the sun shines out of your arse, sonny. 549 00:36:32,773 --> 00:36:34,650 Lay off me, I've had a hard time! 550 00:36:34,900 --> 00:36:37,778 You've had a hard time? I've been here five years, 551 00:36:37,945 --> 00:36:41,407 they only hung me the right way up yesterday! So don't you come around-- 552 00:36:41,615 --> 00:36:42,866 All right, all right. 553 00:36:43,409 --> 00:36:47,663 They must think you're Lord God almighty. 554 00:36:47,871 --> 00:36:49,623 What will they do to me? 555 00:36:49,790 --> 00:36:51,583 You'll probably get away with crucifixion. 556 00:36:51,750 --> 00:36:53,001 Crucifixion?! 557 00:36:53,168 --> 00:36:54,753 Yeah. First offence. 558 00:36:54,962 --> 00:36:56,964 "Get away with crucifixion"?! it's-- 559 00:36:57,131 --> 00:36:58,841 Best thing the Romans ever did for us. 560 00:36:59,007 --> 00:37:00,259 What?! Oh, yeah. 561 00:37:00,426 --> 00:37:03,303 If we didn't have crucifixion, this country would be in a right bloody mess. 562 00:37:03,637 --> 00:37:06,306 Guard! Nail them up, I say! 563 00:37:06,473 --> 00:37:09,476 Guard! Nail some sense into them! 564 00:37:10,269 --> 00:37:13,147 What do you want? I want you to move me to another cell. 565 00:37:13,439 --> 00:37:14,898 [LAUGHS AND SPITS] 566 00:37:15,315 --> 00:37:18,318 Oh, look at that! Bloody favouritism! 567 00:37:18,527 --> 00:37:20,154 Shut up, you. 568 00:37:20,404 --> 00:37:22,030 Sorry. 569 00:37:24,450 --> 00:37:27,035 Now, take my case. They hung me up here five years ago. 570 00:37:27,202 --> 00:37:29,371 Every night they take me down for 20 minutes, 571 00:37:29,538 --> 00:37:30,831 then they hang me up again. 572 00:37:30,998 --> 00:37:33,792 Which I regard as very fair, in view of what I done. 573 00:37:34,168 --> 00:37:38,797 And if nothing else, it's taught me to respect the Romans, 574 00:37:38,964 --> 00:37:42,509 and it's taught me that you'll never get anywhere in this life 575 00:37:42,676 --> 00:37:47,139 unless you are prepared to do a fair day's work for a fair day's-- 576 00:37:47,347 --> 00:37:48,932 Oh, shut up! 577 00:37:51,351 --> 00:37:52,853 Pilate wants to see you! 578 00:37:53,020 --> 00:37:54,730 Me? Come on! 579 00:37:54,938 --> 00:37:56,690 Pilate? What does he want to see me for? 580 00:37:56,857 --> 00:37:59,234 I think he wants to know which way you want to be crucified. 581 00:37:59,443 --> 00:38:01,236 [LAUGHS] 582 00:38:02,154 --> 00:38:04,865 Nice one, centurion. Like it, like it. Shut up! 583 00:38:05,365 --> 00:38:07,159 Right. Right. 584 00:38:08,243 --> 00:38:12,039 Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific. 585 00:38:12,748 --> 00:38:14,875 [♪♪♪] 586 00:38:21,715 --> 00:38:24,551 --Make quite a large living area. 587 00:38:25,052 --> 00:38:27,387 [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING] 588 00:38:29,681 --> 00:38:31,016 Hail Caesar. Hail. 589 00:38:31,183 --> 00:38:33,435 Only one survivor, sir. 590 00:38:33,602 --> 00:38:35,395 [SPEECH IMPEDIMENT] Throw him to the flaw. 591 00:38:35,562 --> 00:38:38,398 What, sir? Throw him to the floor. 592 00:38:38,565 --> 00:38:40,192 Oh. 593 00:38:43,529 --> 00:38:46,740 Now, what is your name, Jew? 594 00:38:47,366 --> 00:38:49,743 Brian, sir. Bwian, eh? 595 00:38:49,910 --> 00:38:52,454 No, no, Brian. Ow! 596 00:38:52,621 --> 00:38:54,039 [GIGGLES] 597 00:38:54,414 --> 00:38:56,959 The little rascal has spiwit. 598 00:38:57,125 --> 00:38:59,086 Has what, sir? Spiwit. 599 00:38:59,253 --> 00:39:01,255 Yes, he did, sir. 600 00:39:01,421 --> 00:39:06,385 No, no, spiwit. Bwavado, a touch of dewwing-do. 601 00:39:06,552 --> 00:39:09,137 Oh! About 11, sir. 602 00:39:11,139 --> 00:39:12,808 So... 603 00:39:13,559 --> 00:39:16,103 You dare to waid us? To what, sir? 604 00:39:16,270 --> 00:39:20,107 Stwike him, centurion, very roughly. 605 00:39:20,274 --> 00:39:22,943 And throw him to the floor, sir? 606 00:39:23,110 --> 00:39:25,112 What? Throw him to the floor again, sir? 607 00:39:25,279 --> 00:39:27,531 Oh, yes. Throw him to the floor, please. 608 00:39:28,323 --> 00:39:29,741 [YELLS] 609 00:39:30,075 --> 00:39:33,328 Now, Jewish rapscallion... 610 00:39:33,745 --> 00:39:35,581 I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman. 611 00:39:35,956 --> 00:39:38,542 A Woeman? No, no, Roman. 612 00:39:40,460 --> 00:39:44,006 So your father was a Woeman? 613 00:39:44,172 --> 00:39:45,632 Who was he? 614 00:39:45,799 --> 00:39:49,678 He was a centurion in the Jerusalem garrison, sir. 615 00:39:49,845 --> 00:39:51,513 Really? 616 00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:54,433 What was his name? Naughtius Maximus. 617 00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:56,310 [LAUGHS] 618 00:39:58,812 --> 00:40:02,858 Centurion, do you have anyone of that name in the garrison? 619 00:40:03,191 --> 00:40:04,985 Well, no, sir. 620 00:40:05,152 --> 00:40:07,988 Well, you sound very sure. Have you checked? 621 00:40:08,155 --> 00:40:11,992 Well, no, sir. I think it's a joke, sir. 622 00:40:12,159 --> 00:40:17,623 Like "Sillius Soddus" or "Biggus Dickus," sir. 623 00:40:17,873 --> 00:40:22,336 What's so funny about "Biggus Dickus"? 624 00:40:22,669 --> 00:40:25,589 Well, it's a joke name, sir. 625 00:40:26,214 --> 00:40:30,177 I have a very great friend in Wome called Biggus Dickus. 626 00:40:30,344 --> 00:40:31,720 [SNICKERS] 627 00:40:32,012 --> 00:40:34,890 Silence! What is all this insolence? 628 00:40:35,098 --> 00:40:38,477 You will find yourself in gladiator school very quickly, 629 00:40:38,644 --> 00:40:40,479 with wotten behaviour like that. 630 00:40:40,687 --> 00:40:43,357 Can I go now, sir? 631 00:40:44,691 --> 00:40:46,026 Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this. 632 00:40:46,193 --> 00:40:47,527 [SNICKERS] 633 00:40:47,694 --> 00:40:50,405 Wight! Take him away! Sir, he-- 634 00:40:50,614 --> 00:40:53,575 No, no, I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week! 635 00:40:53,742 --> 00:40:57,204 Yes, sir. Come on, you. 636 00:40:57,496 --> 00:40:59,122 [LAUGHING] 637 00:41:00,040 --> 00:41:05,379 I will not have my friends ridiculed by the common soldiery! 638 00:41:07,214 --> 00:41:09,675 Anybody else feel like a little... 639 00:41:10,717 --> 00:41:12,219 giggle... 640 00:41:12,386 --> 00:41:15,555 when I mention my friend... 641 00:41:15,847 --> 00:41:18,016 Biggus... 642 00:41:19,226 --> 00:41:20,560 Dickus? 643 00:41:20,727 --> 00:41:22,896 [SNICKERS] 644 00:41:24,398 --> 00:41:25,899 And what about you? 645 00:41:26,066 --> 00:41:29,569 Do you find it wisible... 646 00:41:31,238 --> 00:41:33,532 when I say the name... 647 00:41:34,783 --> 00:41:36,868 Biggus... 648 00:41:38,161 --> 00:41:39,579 Dickus? 649 00:41:41,039 --> 00:41:42,165 [SNICKERING] 650 00:41:58,682 --> 00:42:01,184 He has a wife, you know. 651 00:42:02,477 --> 00:42:04,604 You know what she's called? 652 00:42:07,607 --> 00:42:09,609 She's called... 653 00:42:09,776 --> 00:42:11,695 Incontinentia. 654 00:42:14,239 --> 00:42:16,616 Incontinentia Buttocks. Shut up! [GUARDS LAUGHING] 655 00:42:16,783 --> 00:42:18,326 What is all this? 656 00:42:18,493 --> 00:42:21,747 I've had enough of this rowdy-rebel, sniggering behaviour! 657 00:42:22,289 --> 00:42:25,500 Silence! You call yourselves centurion guards? 658 00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:29,421 Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him! 659 00:42:29,963 --> 00:42:32,090 [♪♪♪] 660 00:42:51,318 --> 00:42:53,653 [WHISTLES] 661 00:43:06,833 --> 00:43:09,002 [SCREAMS] 662 00:43:18,261 --> 00:43:20,263 [SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE] 663 00:43:21,014 --> 00:43:23,350 [SIREN WAILING] 664 00:44:27,122 --> 00:44:29,958 You lucky bastard. 665 00:44:45,599 --> 00:44:48,768 And the beast's head shall be huge and black, 666 00:44:48,935 --> 00:44:53,481 and the eyes, they're of red with the blood of living creatures! 667 00:44:53,940 --> 00:44:59,654 And the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, 668 00:44:59,863 --> 00:45:04,993 and throughout the land shall be a great rubbing of parts. 669 00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:09,331 And the demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword! 670 00:45:09,497 --> 00:45:13,919 Nine-bladed! Not two or five or seven, but nine! 671 00:45:14,085 --> 00:45:18,798 Which he will wield on all wretched sinners. Sinners just like you, sir, there. 672 00:45:18,965 --> 00:45:23,136 And the horns shall be on the head... Through Hebediah, his servant, 673 00:45:23,303 --> 00:45:28,308 there shall in that time be rumours of things going astray, 674 00:45:28,475 --> 00:45:32,979 and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are. 675 00:45:33,146 --> 00:45:37,275 And nobody will really know where lieth those little things, 676 00:45:37,442 --> 00:45:41,947 with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an attachment. 677 00:45:42,322 --> 00:45:47,494 At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, 678 00:45:47,661 --> 00:45:50,664 and the young shall not know where lieth 679 00:45:50,830 --> 00:45:52,832 the things possessed by their fathers 680 00:45:52,999 --> 00:45:56,711 that their fathers put there only just the night before, about 8:00. 681 00:45:56,962 --> 00:45:59,839 Yea, it is written in the Book of Cyril 682 00:46:00,006 --> 00:46:02,050 that in that time shall the third one... 683 00:46:12,227 --> 00:46:14,187 How much? Quick. What? 684 00:46:14,354 --> 00:46:17,857 It's for the wife. Twenty shekels. 685 00:46:18,024 --> 00:46:19,484 Right. What? 686 00:46:19,651 --> 00:46:21,361 There you are. Wait a minute. 687 00:46:21,528 --> 00:46:23,738 What? Well, we're supposed to haggle. 688 00:46:23,947 --> 00:46:25,740 No, no, I've got to-- What do you mean, "no, no"? 689 00:46:25,949 --> 00:46:27,409 I haven't got time-- Give it back. 690 00:46:27,575 --> 00:46:29,369 No, no, no, I just paid you. Burt. 691 00:46:29,536 --> 00:46:31,579 Yeah? This bloke won't haggle. 692 00:46:31,746 --> 00:46:34,416 Won't haggle?! All right, do we have to? 693 00:46:34,582 --> 00:46:37,377 Now look, I want 20 for that. I just gave you 20. 694 00:46:37,544 --> 00:46:40,005 Are you telling me that's not worth 20 shekels? No. 695 00:46:40,171 --> 00:46:42,549 Look at it. Feel the quality, that's none of your goat. 696 00:46:42,716 --> 00:46:45,552 All right, I'll give you 19. No, come on, do it properly. 697 00:46:45,719 --> 00:46:48,346 What? Haggle properly. This isn't worth 19. 698 00:46:48,513 --> 00:46:51,224 Well, you just said it was worth 20. Oh, dear, oh, dear. 699 00:46:51,391 --> 00:46:53,560 Come on, haggle. All right, I'll give you 10. 700 00:46:53,727 --> 00:46:57,022 That's more like it. Ten? Are you trying to insult me? 701 00:46:57,188 --> 00:47:00,066 Me, with a poor, dying grandmother? Ten? 702 00:47:00,233 --> 00:47:03,028 All right, I'll give you 11. Now you're getting it. Eleven?! 703 00:47:03,194 --> 00:47:04,904 Did I hear you right? Eleven? 704 00:47:05,071 --> 00:47:06,239 This cost me 12, 705 00:47:06,406 --> 00:47:08,074 you want to ruin me? Seventeen? 706 00:47:08,241 --> 00:47:10,744 No, no, no, no. Seventeen! Eighteen? 707 00:47:10,910 --> 00:47:13,872 No, no, you go to 14 now. All right, I'll give you 14. 708 00:47:14,080 --> 00:47:17,125 Fourteen? Are you joking? That's what you told me to say! 709 00:47:17,292 --> 00:47:19,502 Oh, dear. Tell me what to say, please! 710 00:47:20,712 --> 00:47:22,547 Offer me 14. I'll give you 14. 711 00:47:22,797 --> 00:47:25,717 He's offering me 14 for this! Fifteen! 712 00:47:25,925 --> 00:47:29,095 Seventeen. My last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead. 713 00:47:29,304 --> 00:47:31,014 Sixteen. Done. 714 00:47:31,639 --> 00:47:33,099 Nice to do business with you. 715 00:47:33,266 --> 00:47:35,602 I'll throw you in this as well. I don't want it, but thanks. 716 00:47:35,769 --> 00:47:37,395 Burt. Yeah. 717 00:47:37,562 --> 00:47:39,606 All right. Now, where's the 16 you owe me? 718 00:47:39,773 --> 00:47:40,940 I just gave you 20. 719 00:47:41,107 --> 00:47:43,943 That's right. That's four I owe you. No, that's all right. 720 00:47:44,110 --> 00:47:47,280 No, I've got it here. It's all right, that's four for the gourd. 721 00:47:47,447 --> 00:47:49,949 Four? For this gourd? Four? 722 00:47:50,116 --> 00:47:52,285 Look at it! It's worth 10 if it's worth a shekel! 723 00:47:52,452 --> 00:47:55,622 You just gave it to me for nothing. Yes, but it's worth 10. 724 00:47:55,955 --> 00:47:57,457 All right, all right. 725 00:48:00,168 --> 00:48:03,463 No, no, no, no, it's not worth 10, you're supposed to argue. 726 00:48:03,630 --> 00:48:06,091 "Ten for that? You must be mad!" 727 00:48:08,927 --> 00:48:12,180 Oh, well. One born every minute. 728 00:48:12,639 --> 00:48:14,307 Daniel. Daniel. 729 00:48:14,474 --> 00:48:15,600 Job. Job. 730 00:48:15,767 --> 00:48:17,268 Job. Joshua. 731 00:48:17,435 --> 00:48:18,645 Joshua. Joshua. 732 00:48:18,812 --> 00:48:19,979 Judges. Judges. 733 00:48:20,146 --> 00:48:21,773 Judges. And Brian. 734 00:48:21,940 --> 00:48:24,359 And Brian. And Brian. 735 00:48:24,567 --> 00:48:28,363 I now propose that all seven of these ex-brothers 736 00:48:28,571 --> 00:48:31,825 be now entered in the minutes as probationary martyrs to the cause. 737 00:48:31,991 --> 00:48:35,662 I second that, Reg. Thank you, Loretta. On the nod. 738 00:48:35,829 --> 00:48:39,833 Siblings, let us not be down on it. 739 00:48:39,999 --> 00:48:44,838 One total catastrophe like this is just the beginning! 740 00:48:45,004 --> 00:48:47,882 Their glorious deaths shall unite us all-- 741 00:48:48,133 --> 00:48:50,301 Look out! 742 00:49:01,187 --> 00:49:02,856 Hello? 743 00:49:03,022 --> 00:49:04,732 Matthias? 744 00:49:05,483 --> 00:49:08,528 Reg? REG: Go away. 745 00:49:09,028 --> 00:49:13,074 Reg, it's me, Brian. REG: Get off. Get off out of it. 746 00:49:13,241 --> 00:49:14,492 Stan? Piss off. 747 00:49:14,659 --> 00:49:17,078 Yeah, piss off. Bugger off. 748 00:49:17,245 --> 00:49:19,038 [KNOCKING] 749 00:49:20,331 --> 00:49:22,333 Shit! 750 00:49:22,500 --> 00:49:24,377 Coming. 751 00:49:29,132 --> 00:49:32,719 Yea, verily at that time, it is written in the Book of Obadiah, 752 00:49:32,886 --> 00:49:37,223 a man shall strike his donkey and his nephew's donkey, 753 00:49:37,390 --> 00:49:40,643 and anyone in the vicinity of either the nephew or the donkey. 754 00:49:40,852 --> 00:49:44,105 My eyes are dim, I cannot see. 755 00:49:44,272 --> 00:49:46,107 Are you Matthias? Yes. 756 00:49:46,274 --> 00:49:49,027 We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth, 757 00:49:49,194 --> 00:49:52,530 a member of the terrorist organisation the People's Front of Judea. 758 00:49:52,697 --> 00:49:57,410 Me? No, I'm just a poor old man, I have no time for lawbreakers. 759 00:49:57,577 --> 00:50:01,789 My legs are grey, my ears are nulled, my eyes are old and bent. 760 00:50:01,956 --> 00:50:03,208 Quiet! 761 00:50:03,374 --> 00:50:06,085 Silly person. Guards, search the house. 762 00:50:16,930 --> 00:50:21,434 You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harbouring a known criminal? 763 00:50:21,601 --> 00:50:23,102 No. Crucifixion. 764 00:50:23,269 --> 00:50:24,812 Oh. 765 00:50:26,272 --> 00:50:29,484 Nasty, eh? Could be worse. 766 00:50:29,943 --> 00:50:32,320 What do you mean, "could be worse"? 767 00:50:32,570 --> 00:50:34,280 Well, you could be stabbed. 768 00:50:34,447 --> 00:50:36,324 Stabbed? Takes a second. 769 00:50:36,491 --> 00:50:40,912 Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible death. 770 00:50:41,079 --> 00:50:43,957 Well, at least it gets you out in the open air. 771 00:50:45,083 --> 00:50:47,001 You're weird. 772 00:50:54,759 --> 00:50:57,845 No, sir, couldn't find anything, sir. 773 00:50:58,012 --> 00:51:02,183 Well, don't worry, you've not seen the last of us, weirdo. 774 00:51:02,350 --> 00:51:04,852 Big nose. Watch it! 775 00:51:07,272 --> 00:51:08,856 Phew! That was lucky. 776 00:51:13,236 --> 00:51:14,862 I'm sorry, Reg. 777 00:51:15,029 --> 00:51:17,115 Oh, it's all right, siblings, he's sorry. 778 00:51:17,282 --> 00:51:19,993 He's sorry he led the Fifth Legion straight to our official headquarters. 779 00:51:20,159 --> 00:51:21,828 Well, that's all right then, Brian. 780 00:51:21,995 --> 00:51:25,123 Sit down! Have a scone. Make yourself at home. 781 00:51:25,290 --> 00:51:26,833 You klutz! 782 00:51:27,000 --> 00:51:30,545 You stupid, birdbrained, flat-headed-- 783 00:51:30,753 --> 00:51:32,672 [KNOCKING] 784 00:51:35,133 --> 00:51:37,510 PROPHET --with a great juicy melon behind. 785 00:51:39,137 --> 00:51:42,557 My legs are old and bent, my ears are grizzled, yes? 786 00:51:42,765 --> 00:51:45,852 There's one place we didn't look. Guards! 787 00:51:46,019 --> 00:51:52,233 I'm just a poor old man, my sight is dim, my eyes are poor, my nose is knackered. 788 00:51:52,400 --> 00:51:54,652 Have you ever seen anyone crucified? 789 00:51:54,861 --> 00:51:56,863 Crucifixion's a doddle. 790 00:51:57,697 --> 00:51:59,407 Don't keep saying that. 791 00:52:04,078 --> 00:52:06,372 Found this spoon, sir. 792 00:52:06,539 --> 00:52:09,208 Well done, sergeant. 793 00:52:09,375 --> 00:52:12,879 We'll be back, oddball. 794 00:52:14,714 --> 00:52:16,049 [KNOCKING] 795 00:52:16,215 --> 00:52:19,510 CENTURION: Open up. You haven't given us time to hide. 796 00:52:20,678 --> 00:52:22,388 [SCREAMS] 797 00:52:32,065 --> 00:52:34,525 [PREACHING LOUDLY] 798 00:52:44,118 --> 00:52:48,915 Don't pass judgement on other people, or you might get judged yourself. 799 00:52:49,082 --> 00:52:50,124 What? 800 00:52:50,333 --> 00:52:52,710 I said, don't pass judgement on other people, 801 00:52:52,877 --> 00:52:55,546 or else you might get judged too. 802 00:52:55,713 --> 00:52:57,048 Who, me? Yes. 803 00:52:57,423 --> 00:52:58,841 Thank you very much. 804 00:52:59,092 --> 00:53:00,802 Well, not just you, all of you. 805 00:53:00,968 --> 00:53:03,221 That's a nice gourd. What? 806 00:53:03,388 --> 00:53:05,598 How much do you want for the gourd? You can have it. 807 00:53:05,765 --> 00:53:08,434 Have it? Yes. Consider the lilies. 808 00:53:08,601 --> 00:53:10,812 Don't you want to haggle? No. In the field. 809 00:53:10,978 --> 00:53:13,106 What's wrong with it, then? Nothing, take it. 810 00:53:13,356 --> 00:53:16,275 Consider the lilies? Well, the birds, then. 811 00:53:16,442 --> 00:53:17,985 What birds? Any birds. 812 00:53:18,152 --> 00:53:21,280 Why? Well, have they got jobs? 813 00:53:21,447 --> 00:53:22,990 Who? The birds. 814 00:53:23,157 --> 00:53:24,951 Have the birds got jobs?! 815 00:53:25,159 --> 00:53:28,121 MAN: What's the matter with him? Says the birds are scrounging. 816 00:53:28,287 --> 00:53:31,624 No, the point is, the birds, they do all right, don't they? 817 00:53:31,791 --> 00:53:34,460 Well, and good luck to them. Yeah, they're very pretty. 818 00:53:34,669 --> 00:53:38,798 Okay. And you're much more important than they are, right? 819 00:53:38,965 --> 00:53:41,384 So, what are you worrying about? There you are, see? 820 00:53:41,759 --> 00:53:44,095 I'm worrying about what you've got against birds. 821 00:53:44,637 --> 00:53:47,140 I haven't got anything against the birds. Consider the lilies-- 822 00:53:47,306 --> 00:53:50,351 He's having a go at the flowers now. Give the flowers a chance. 823 00:53:50,518 --> 00:53:52,645 I'll give you one for it. It's yours! 824 00:53:52,812 --> 00:53:54,105 Two, then. 825 00:53:54,272 --> 00:53:56,899 Look, there was this man, and he had two servants-- 826 00:53:57,108 --> 00:53:58,151 What were they called? What? 827 00:53:58,317 --> 00:54:00,486 What were their names? I don't know. 828 00:54:00,653 --> 00:54:02,113 And he gave them some talents-- 829 00:54:02,280 --> 00:54:04,657 You don't know? Well, it doesn't matter. 830 00:54:04,824 --> 00:54:06,784 He doesn't know what they were called! 831 00:54:06,951 --> 00:54:09,036 Oh, they were called Simon and Adrian. Now-- 832 00:54:09,203 --> 00:54:10,621 You said you didn't know! 833 00:54:10,788 --> 00:54:13,458 It really doesn't matter. The point is, there were these two servants-- 834 00:54:13,624 --> 00:54:16,502 He's making it up as he goes along! No, I'm not! 835 00:54:16,669 --> 00:54:19,005 And he gave them... Wait a minute, were there three? 836 00:54:19,172 --> 00:54:21,507 He's terrible. There were three... 837 00:54:21,674 --> 00:54:25,011 It was two or three. WOMAN: Oh, get off! 838 00:54:30,975 --> 00:54:33,853 Now hear this. Blessed are they 839 00:54:34,020 --> 00:54:38,566 who convert their neighbour's ox, for they shall inhibit their girth. 840 00:54:38,733 --> 00:54:44,030 MAN: Rubbish! And to them only shall be given... 841 00:54:44,197 --> 00:54:46,449 To them only... 842 00:54:47,241 --> 00:54:50,328 shall be given... 843 00:54:52,205 --> 00:54:53,831 WOMAN: What? Hm? 844 00:54:53,998 --> 00:54:56,834 Shall be given what? Oh, nothing. 845 00:54:57,043 --> 00:54:58,711 What were you going to say? Nothing. 846 00:54:58,878 --> 00:55:01,047 Yes, you were going to say something. I finished. 847 00:55:01,214 --> 00:55:03,508 Oh, no, no. Come on, tell us before you go. 848 00:55:03,716 --> 00:55:04,717 I wasn't going to say anything. I've finished. 849 00:55:04,884 --> 00:55:05,927 WOMAN: No, you hadn't. 850 00:55:06,093 --> 00:55:07,762 What won't he tell us? MAN: He won't say. 851 00:55:07,970 --> 00:55:09,388 Is it a secret? No. 852 00:55:09,555 --> 00:55:11,557 Is it? MAN: Must be, otherwise he'd tell us. 853 00:55:11,724 --> 00:55:13,226 Tell us. Leave me alone. 854 00:55:13,392 --> 00:55:15,895 What is the secret? ls it the secret of eternal life? 855 00:55:16,062 --> 00:55:17,104 MAN: He won't say! 856 00:55:17,271 --> 00:55:19,774 If I knew the secret of eternal life, I wouldn't say. 857 00:55:19,982 --> 00:55:21,776 Leave me alone. Just tell me, please. 858 00:55:21,984 --> 00:55:24,445 No, tell us, master, we were here first. 859 00:55:24,612 --> 00:55:26,364 Five! Go away! 860 00:55:26,531 --> 00:55:28,407 Tell us, master. I can't go above 5. 861 00:55:28,574 --> 00:55:31,536 Is that his gourd? Yes, but it's under offer. 862 00:55:31,702 --> 00:55:34,914 This is his gourd. Ten! 863 00:55:35,081 --> 00:55:40,253 It is his gourd. We will carry it for you, master. 864 00:55:40,419 --> 00:55:42,088 Master? 865 00:55:42,255 --> 00:55:45,633 He's gone. He's been taken up. 866 00:55:45,800 --> 00:55:49,262 ALL: Oh, he has been taken up! Eighteen! 867 00:55:49,428 --> 00:55:51,097 No, there he is. Over there. 868 00:55:52,765 --> 00:55:54,308 [SHOUTING] 869 00:56:04,443 --> 00:56:06,612 [CHORUS SINGING] 870 00:56:17,248 --> 00:56:19,083 Look! 871 00:56:19,667 --> 00:56:21,544 He has given us a sign. 872 00:56:21,752 --> 00:56:23,629 He has given us his shoe. 873 00:56:23,796 --> 00:56:26,591 The shoe is a sign. Let us follow his example! 874 00:56:26,757 --> 00:56:29,343 MAN 1: What? Let us, like him... 875 00:56:29,552 --> 00:56:32,138 hold up one shoe and let the other be upon our foot, 876 00:56:32,305 --> 00:56:35,683 for this is his sign that all who follow him shall do likewise! 877 00:56:35,850 --> 00:56:40,980 No, no, the shoe is a sign that we must gather shoes together in abundance. 878 00:56:41,147 --> 00:56:43,608 Cast off the shoes. Follow the gourd! 879 00:56:43,816 --> 00:56:45,985 No, let us gather shoes together. 880 00:56:46,152 --> 00:56:47,695 Let me! Oh, get off! 881 00:56:47,862 --> 00:56:49,989 No, it is a sign that, like him, we must think 882 00:56:50,156 --> 00:56:52,992 not of the things of the body, but of the face and head! 883 00:56:53,159 --> 00:56:56,037 Give me your shoe! Get off! 884 00:56:56,203 --> 00:56:59,373 Follow the gourd, the holy gourd of Jerusalem! 885 00:56:59,582 --> 00:57:02,501 MAN 2: The gourd! Hold up the sandal, like he has... 886 00:57:02,668 --> 00:57:05,379 It is a shoe! It is a shoe! It's a sandal! 887 00:57:05,588 --> 00:57:08,549 No, it isn't! It is a shoe! WOMAN: Cast it away! 888 00:57:08,716 --> 00:57:10,176 Put it on! Now clear off. 889 00:57:10,343 --> 00:57:12,470 Take the shoes and follow him! 890 00:57:12,637 --> 00:57:17,099 Come, all ye who call yourselves Gourdenes. 891 00:57:18,893 --> 00:57:20,686 Stop, I say. 892 00:57:20,853 --> 00:57:24,315 Stop. Let us... 893 00:57:24,482 --> 00:57:26,525 Let us pray. 894 00:57:26,692 --> 00:57:33,157 Yea, he cometh to us like the seed to the grave... 895 00:57:40,915 --> 00:57:43,334 [♪♪♪] 896 00:57:54,887 --> 00:57:58,057 ALL: Master! 897 00:58:19,745 --> 00:58:23,791 Hey, is there another way down? 898 00:58:23,958 --> 00:58:26,252 Is there another path down to the river? 899 00:58:26,419 --> 00:58:27,795 Mmm... 900 00:58:27,962 --> 00:58:30,047 Please, please, help me! I've got to get-- 901 00:58:30,423 --> 00:58:32,425 [YELLING] 902 00:58:34,176 --> 00:58:36,804 Oh, my foot! Shh! 903 00:58:36,971 --> 00:58:40,599 Oh, damn, damn, damn! I'm sorry. 904 00:58:40,766 --> 00:58:44,311 Damn! Damn and blast it! I'm sorry! 905 00:58:44,478 --> 00:58:48,774 Don't you shush me. Eighteen years of total silence, and you shush me. 906 00:58:48,941 --> 00:58:52,278 What? I've kept my vow for 18 years. 907 00:58:52,445 --> 00:58:56,490 Not a single recognisable, articulate sound has passed my lips. 908 00:58:56,699 --> 00:58:58,743 Please, could you be quiet for another five minutes? 909 00:58:58,909 --> 00:59:01,620 It doesn't matter now, I might as well enjoy myself. 910 00:59:01,787 --> 00:59:05,332 The times in the last 18 years I wanted to shout and sing 911 00:59:05,499 --> 00:59:08,961 and scream my name out! Oh, I'm alive! 912 00:59:09,128 --> 00:59:11,130 ♪ Hava nagila, hava nagila ♪ Shh! 913 00:59:11,297 --> 00:59:15,968 ♪ Hava nagila, hava nag-- ♪♪ 914 00:59:16,135 --> 00:59:20,973 I'm alive! I'm alive! Hello, birds! Hello, trees! I'm alive... 915 00:59:21,140 --> 00:59:22,808 Get off! I'm alive! 916 00:59:22,975 --> 00:59:25,811 ♪ Hava nagila, hava neranen-- ♪♪ 917 00:59:27,480 --> 00:59:30,858 ALL: Master! Master! 918 00:59:31,650 --> 00:59:34,695 The master! He is here! 919 00:59:34,862 --> 00:59:37,323 The shoe! It was the gourd! 920 00:59:37,490 --> 00:59:39,283 The shoe has brought us! 921 00:59:39,450 --> 00:59:42,661 Speak! Speak to us, master! Speak to us! 922 00:59:42,995 --> 00:59:44,371 Go away! 923 00:59:44,538 --> 00:59:47,333 ALL: A blessing! A blessing! 924 00:59:47,500 --> 00:59:49,668 How shall we go away, master? 925 00:59:49,877 --> 00:59:52,171 Just go away and leave me alone. 926 00:59:52,546 --> 00:59:54,173 Give us a sign. 927 00:59:54,340 --> 00:59:57,760 He has given us a sign, he has brought us to this place! 928 00:59:57,968 --> 01:00:00,638 I didn't bring you here! You just followed me! 929 01:00:00,846 --> 01:00:03,516 It's still a good sign, by any standard. 930 01:00:03,682 --> 01:00:06,811 Master, your people have walked many miles to be with you. 931 01:00:06,977 --> 01:00:08,813 They are weary and have not eaten. 932 01:00:09,021 --> 01:00:11,023 It's not my fault they haven't eaten! 933 01:00:11,190 --> 01:00:13,567 There is no food in this high mountain. 934 01:00:13,818 --> 01:00:16,862 What about the juniper bushes over there? 935 01:00:17,655 --> 01:00:20,866 ALL: A miracle! A miracle! 936 01:00:21,033 --> 01:00:24,537 He has made the bush fruitful by his word! 937 01:00:24,703 --> 01:00:26,539 They brought forth juniper berries! 938 01:00:26,705 --> 01:00:29,917 Of course they brought forth juniper berries, they're juniper bushes. 939 01:00:30,084 --> 01:00:31,293 What do you expect?! 940 01:00:31,502 --> 01:00:33,170 Show us another miracle. 941 01:00:33,337 --> 01:00:35,381 Do not tempt him, shallow ones! 942 01:00:35,548 --> 01:00:38,384 Is not the miracle of the juniper bushes enough? 943 01:00:39,385 --> 01:00:41,595 I say, those are my juniper bushes. 944 01:00:41,804 --> 01:00:43,347 They are a gift from God! 945 01:00:43,556 --> 01:00:45,933 They're all I've bloody got to eat. 946 01:00:46,100 --> 01:00:50,563 I say, get off of those bushes! Go on! Clear off, the lot of you. 947 01:00:50,729 --> 01:00:54,733 Lord, I am affected by a bald patch. 948 01:00:54,900 --> 01:00:56,193 I'm healed! 949 01:00:56,360 --> 01:00:59,280 The master has healed me! I didn't touch him! 950 01:00:59,446 --> 01:01:01,949 I was blind, and now I can see! 951 01:01:02,116 --> 01:01:06,412 ALL: A miracle! A miracle! A miracle! 952 01:01:08,330 --> 01:01:13,127 Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a word for 18 years till he came along. 953 01:01:13,377 --> 01:01:16,964 ALL: A miracle! He is the Messiah! 954 01:01:17,131 --> 01:01:18,924 And he hurt my foot! 955 01:01:19,091 --> 01:01:22,219 ALL: Hurt my foot, Lord! Hurt mine! Hurt mine! 956 01:01:22,386 --> 01:01:24,138 Hail Messiah! 957 01:01:24,346 --> 01:01:25,973 I'm not the Messiah! 958 01:01:26,223 --> 01:01:29,435 I say you are, Lord. And I should know, I've followed a few! 959 01:01:29,852 --> 01:01:31,937 ALL: Hail Messiah! 960 01:01:32,104 --> 01:01:33,480 I'm not the Messiah! 961 01:01:33,647 --> 01:01:36,442 Would you please listen, I am not the Messiah, do you understand? 962 01:01:36,609 --> 01:01:38,277 Honestly! 963 01:01:38,944 --> 01:01:42,740 Only the true Messiah denies his divinity. 964 01:01:42,948 --> 01:01:46,076 What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? 965 01:01:46,243 --> 01:01:48,454 All right, I am the Messiah! 966 01:01:48,621 --> 01:01:52,249 ALL: He is! He is the Messiah! 967 01:01:52,458 --> 01:01:54,627 Now, fuck off! 968 01:02:02,635 --> 01:02:04,470 How shall we fuck off, O Lord? 969 01:02:04,678 --> 01:02:06,388 Just go away! Leave me alone! 970 01:02:06,597 --> 01:02:09,266 You told these people to eat my juniper berries. 971 01:02:09,433 --> 01:02:12,311 You break my bloody foot, you break my vow of silence, 972 01:02:12,478 --> 01:02:15,105 and then you try and clean up on my juniper bushes! 973 01:02:15,272 --> 01:02:19,276 Lay off! This is the Messiah, the chosen one! 974 01:02:19,443 --> 01:02:22,404 No, he's not. An unbeliever! 975 01:02:22,613 --> 01:02:23,822 ALL: An unbeliever! 976 01:02:23,989 --> 01:02:26,659 Persecute! Kill the heretic! 977 01:02:26,825 --> 01:02:29,119 ALL: Kill! Kill! Kill! 978 01:02:30,037 --> 01:02:31,455 Kill! 979 01:02:31,622 --> 01:02:35,000 Leave him alone! Leave him alone! 980 01:02:36,001 --> 01:02:37,336 Leave him alone. 981 01:02:37,503 --> 01:02:40,339 Put him down. Please! 982 01:02:44,176 --> 01:02:45,803 Brian? 983 01:02:45,970 --> 01:02:47,846 Judith? 984 01:02:51,850 --> 01:02:54,061 [ROOSTER CROWS] 985 01:02:54,687 --> 01:02:56,438 [♪♪♪] 986 01:03:34,184 --> 01:03:38,731 ALL: Look, there he is! The chosen one has woken! 987 01:03:41,025 --> 01:03:42,276 MOTHER: Brian! 988 01:03:44,069 --> 01:03:45,738 Mother! 989 01:03:45,988 --> 01:03:47,948 Brian! Hang on, Mother! 990 01:03:48,115 --> 01:03:49,616 Shh! 991 01:03:52,244 --> 01:03:55,289 Hello, Mother. Don't you "hello, Mother" me. 992 01:03:55,497 --> 01:03:56,915 What are all those people doing out there? 993 01:03:57,082 --> 01:03:58,083 Well, I... 994 01:03:58,250 --> 01:04:00,252 Come on! What have you been up to, my lad? 995 01:04:00,419 --> 01:04:02,755 I think they must have popped by for something. 996 01:04:02,921 --> 01:04:07,968 Popped by? Swarmed by, more like. There's a multitude out there! 997 01:04:08,135 --> 01:04:09,887 They started following me yesterday. 998 01:04:10,054 --> 01:04:13,724 Well, they can stop following you right now. 999 01:04:14,558 --> 01:04:19,104 Now stop following my son. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. 1000 01:04:19,271 --> 01:04:23,942 ALL: The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah! 1001 01:04:24,109 --> 01:04:26,945 The who? ALL: The Messiah! 1002 01:04:27,780 --> 01:04:31,408 There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no Messiah. 1003 01:04:31,575 --> 01:04:33,035 Now go away! 1004 01:04:33,243 --> 01:04:35,287 ALL: Brian! Brian! 1005 01:04:35,454 --> 01:04:37,790 Right, my lad, what have you been up to? 1006 01:04:38,040 --> 01:04:39,833 Nothing, Mum. Come on, out with it. 1007 01:04:40,042 --> 01:04:41,835 They think I'm the Messiah, Mum. 1008 01:04:42,294 --> 01:04:44,463 What have you been telling them? Nothing, I-- 1009 01:04:44,630 --> 01:04:47,633 You're making it worse for yourself. Look, I can explain-- 1010 01:04:47,800 --> 01:04:52,971 No, let me explain, Mrs. Cohen. Your son is a born leader! 1011 01:04:53,138 --> 01:04:56,517 Those people out there are following him because they believe in him. 1012 01:04:56,683 --> 01:04:58,435 They believe he can give them hope. 1013 01:04:58,602 --> 01:05:03,565 Hope of a new life, a new world, a better future! 1014 01:05:04,483 --> 01:05:07,986 Who's that!? That's Judith, Mum. 1015 01:05:08,153 --> 01:05:11,156 Judith, Mother. 1016 01:05:14,451 --> 01:05:16,662 CROWD: Show us the Messiah! 1017 01:05:16,829 --> 01:05:20,499 Show us the Messiah! Show us the Messiah! 1018 01:05:20,666 --> 01:05:23,836 Now you listen here, he's not the Messiah! 1019 01:05:24,002 --> 01:05:27,381 He's a very naughty boy! Now go away! 1020 01:05:27,631 --> 01:05:31,510 CROWD: Who are you? I'm his mother, that's who. 1021 01:05:31,718 --> 01:05:35,973 CROWD: Behold his mother! Behold his mother! 1022 01:05:36,140 --> 01:05:39,393 Hail to thee, mother of Brian! 1023 01:05:39,601 --> 01:05:43,313 Blessed art thou! Hosanna! 1024 01:05:43,480 --> 01:05:47,860 All things to thee, now and always! 1025 01:05:48,026 --> 01:05:50,904 Now, don't think you can get around me like that. 1026 01:05:51,113 --> 01:05:54,700 He's not coming out, and that's my final word. 1027 01:05:55,617 --> 01:05:57,244 Now shove off! 1028 01:05:57,494 --> 01:05:58,871 CROWD: No! 1029 01:05:59,830 --> 01:06:01,915 Did you hear what I said? 1030 01:06:02,124 --> 01:06:03,375 CROWD: Yes! 1031 01:06:03,876 --> 01:06:07,546 Oh, I see. It's like that, is it? CROWD: Yes! 1032 01:06:08,755 --> 01:06:13,385 Oh, all right then, you can see him for one minute, but not one second more! 1033 01:06:13,552 --> 01:06:16,221 Do you understand? CROWD: Yes. 1034 01:06:16,388 --> 01:06:20,434 Promise? CROWD: Well, all right. 1035 01:06:21,059 --> 01:06:24,229 All right, here he is then. Come on, Brian. Come and talk to them. 1036 01:06:24,396 --> 01:06:27,107 But, Mum, Judith-- Leave that Welsh tart alone. 1037 01:06:27,274 --> 01:06:29,735 I don't really want to, Mum. 1038 01:06:29,902 --> 01:06:33,405 [CHEERING] 1039 01:06:36,742 --> 01:06:40,162 Good morning! CROWD: A blessing! A blessing! 1040 01:06:40,746 --> 01:06:45,250 No, please. Please, please, listen! 1041 01:06:45,417 --> 01:06:48,170 I've got one or two things to say. 1042 01:06:48,378 --> 01:06:50,756 CROWD: Tell us! Tell us both of them! 1043 01:06:51,256 --> 01:06:55,928 Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't need to follow me. 1044 01:06:56,094 --> 01:06:59,598 You don't need to follow anybody! 1045 01:06:59,932 --> 01:07:04,645 You've got to think for yourselves. You're all individuals! 1046 01:07:04,811 --> 01:07:08,106 CROWD: Yes, we're all individuals! 1047 01:07:08,273 --> 01:07:10,275 You're all different. 1048 01:07:10,484 --> 01:07:13,403 CROWD: Yes, we are all different! 1049 01:07:13,570 --> 01:07:15,614 I'm not. Shh. 1050 01:07:16,490 --> 01:07:20,077 You've all got to work it out for yourselves! 1051 01:07:20,285 --> 01:07:24,331 CROWD: Yes, we've got to work it out for ourselves! 1052 01:07:24,623 --> 01:07:26,625 Exactly! 1053 01:07:26,792 --> 01:07:29,962 CROWD: Tell us more! No, that's the point! 1054 01:07:30,128 --> 01:07:33,173 Don't let anyone tell you what to do! 1055 01:07:33,340 --> 01:07:36,718 Otherwise-- Oh, no! That's enough! That's enough. 1056 01:07:38,637 --> 01:07:42,140 CROWD: That wasn't a minute. 1057 01:07:42,307 --> 01:07:46,853 Oh, yes, it was. CROWD: Oh, no, it wasn't! 1058 01:07:47,104 --> 01:07:49,856 Now stop that, and go away. 1059 01:07:50,107 --> 01:07:52,150 Excuse me? MOTHER: Yes? 1060 01:07:52,317 --> 01:07:53,652 Are you a virgin? 1061 01:07:54,361 --> 01:07:56,530 I beg your pardon? 1062 01:07:56,947 --> 01:08:01,034 Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin? 1063 01:08:01,285 --> 01:08:06,123 If it's not a personal question? How much more personal can you get? 1064 01:08:06,290 --> 01:08:08,750 Now piss off. 1065 01:08:10,127 --> 01:08:12,504 MAN 1: She is. MAN 2: Must be. Definitely. 1066 01:08:12,671 --> 01:08:15,173 MAN 3: Definitely. Definitely. 1067 01:08:15,340 --> 01:08:17,009 [CROWD CHATTERING] 1068 01:08:18,176 --> 01:08:19,511 Morning, Saviour! 1069 01:08:19,678 --> 01:08:22,389 [CROWD PLEADING] 1070 01:08:29,021 --> 01:08:31,148 Lay your hands on me! Quick! 1071 01:08:31,315 --> 01:08:33,525 FRANCIS: Now, don't jostle the chosen one! Please! 1072 01:08:33,692 --> 01:08:34,901 [BABY CRYING] 1073 01:08:35,068 --> 01:08:39,364 Don't push that baby in the Saviour's face! He'll touch it later! 1074 01:08:39,531 --> 01:08:40,699 I say... 1075 01:08:40,866 --> 01:08:43,160 Could he just see my wife? She has a headache. 1076 01:08:43,327 --> 01:08:44,745 You'll have to wait, I'm afraid! 1077 01:08:44,911 --> 01:08:47,247 She's very bad, and we've got a luncheon appointment! 1078 01:08:47,414 --> 01:08:49,041 Look, the lepers are queuing! 1079 01:08:49,207 --> 01:08:51,835 BEARDED MAN: Her brother-in-law is the ex-mayor of Gath. 1080 01:08:52,002 --> 01:08:55,922 Uh, Brian, can I introduce the gentleman who's letting us have the mounts on Sunday? 1081 01:08:56,089 --> 01:08:58,759 Hello. Don't push! 1082 01:08:58,925 --> 01:09:02,054 Now keep the noise down, please! 1083 01:09:02,220 --> 01:09:06,892 Those possessed by devils, try and keep them under control a bit! Can't you? 1084 01:09:07,059 --> 01:09:10,562 REG: Incurables, you'll just have to wait for a few minutes. 1085 01:09:10,729 --> 01:09:14,900 Women taken in sin, line up against that wall, will you? 1086 01:09:15,067 --> 01:09:16,360 JUDITH: Brian? 1087 01:09:17,069 --> 01:09:19,696 Brian! You were fantastic! 1088 01:09:19,863 --> 01:09:23,075 You weren't so bad yourself. No, what you said just now! 1089 01:09:23,241 --> 01:09:25,952 Quite extraordinary! What? Oh, that. Was it? 1090 01:09:26,119 --> 01:09:30,290 We don't need any leaders! You're so right! Reg has been dominating us for too long. 1091 01:09:30,457 --> 01:09:31,458 Well, yes... 1092 01:09:31,625 --> 01:09:34,044 It needed saying, and you said it, Brian! 1093 01:09:34,211 --> 01:09:35,629 You're very attractive. 1094 01:09:35,837 --> 01:09:38,882 It's our revolution! We can all do it together! 1095 01:09:39,049 --> 01:09:40,092 I think... 1096 01:09:40,258 --> 01:09:43,762 We're all behind you, Brian! The revolution is in your hands! 1097 01:09:43,929 --> 01:09:47,265 What? No, that's not what I meant at all! 1098 01:09:47,432 --> 01:09:50,727 You're fucking nicked, me old beauty! 1099 01:09:50,894 --> 01:09:52,729 Right! 1100 01:09:58,777 --> 01:09:59,903 Stop it! 1101 01:10:02,739 --> 01:10:05,575 Well, Bwian, you've given us a good wun for our money. 1102 01:10:05,742 --> 01:10:07,619 A what? 1103 01:10:07,786 --> 01:10:12,416 And this time, I guarantee you will not escape. 1104 01:10:12,582 --> 01:10:17,295 Guard! Do we have any cwucifixions today? 1105 01:10:17,462 --> 01:10:20,966 139, sir. Special celebration. Passover, sir. 1106 01:10:21,133 --> 01:10:25,303 Wight! Now we have 140! Nice wound number, eh, Biggus? 1107 01:10:28,306 --> 01:10:30,267 Hail Caesar! Hail! 1108 01:10:30,434 --> 01:10:34,312 The crowd outside are getting a bit restless, sir. Permission to disperse them, please. 1109 01:10:35,147 --> 01:10:37,941 Disperse them? But I haven't addressed them yet! 1110 01:10:38,108 --> 01:10:39,609 No, I know, sir, but-- 1111 01:10:39,776 --> 01:10:41,653 My address is one of the high points of Passover! 1112 01:10:41,820 --> 01:10:45,115 My friend Biggus Dickus has come all the way from Wome to hear it! 1113 01:10:45,282 --> 01:10:47,909 Hail Caesar! Hail Thaesar! 1114 01:10:48,660 --> 01:10:50,954 You're not--? 1115 01:10:51,121 --> 01:10:54,541 You're not thinking of giving it a miss this year, then, sir? 1116 01:10:55,292 --> 01:10:56,668 Give it a miss?! 1117 01:10:56,835 --> 01:11:00,172 Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today, sir. 1118 01:11:00,338 --> 01:11:01,465 Really, centurion! 1119 01:11:01,631 --> 01:11:05,719 I'm surpwised to hear a man like you wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels. 1120 01:11:06,052 --> 01:11:08,722 A bit thundery, sir. Take him away! 1121 01:11:08,930 --> 01:11:11,725 I'm a Roman! I can prove it, honestly! 1122 01:11:11,933 --> 01:11:15,020 And cwucify him well! 1123 01:11:15,437 --> 01:11:17,314 Biggus! 1124 01:11:18,023 --> 01:11:20,484 I really wouldn't, sir! Out of the way, centurion! 1125 01:11:20,650 --> 01:11:25,530 Let me come with you, Pontius. I may be of some athistance if there ith a sudden crithis! 1126 01:11:27,365 --> 01:11:31,369 Right! Now, item four: attainment of world supremacy within the next five years. 1127 01:11:31,536 --> 01:11:34,664 Francis, you've been working on this? Yeah, thank you, Reg. 1128 01:11:34,831 --> 01:11:38,043 Well, quite frankly, siblings, I think five years is optimistic, 1129 01:11:38,210 --> 01:11:41,254 unless we can smash the Roman Empire within the next 12 months! 1130 01:11:41,463 --> 01:11:43,089 Twelve months? Yeah, 12 months. 1131 01:11:43,256 --> 01:11:47,052 And let's face it, as empires go, this is the big one. 1132 01:11:47,219 --> 01:11:51,056 So we gotta get up off our arses and stop just talking about it! 1133 01:11:51,223 --> 01:11:52,265 ALL: Hear! Hear! 1134 01:11:52,474 --> 01:11:56,061 I agree! It's action that counts, not words, and we need action now! 1135 01:11:56,686 --> 01:12:00,440 You're right. We could sit around here all day, talking, passing resolutions, 1136 01:12:00,607 --> 01:12:04,528 making clever speeches, it's not gonna shift one Roman soldier! 1137 01:12:04,694 --> 01:12:08,073 So let's just stop gabbing on about it! It's completely pointless, 1138 01:12:08,240 --> 01:12:10,242 and it's getting us nowhere! ALL: Right! 1139 01:12:10,408 --> 01:12:12,869 I agree! This is a complete waste of time! 1140 01:12:14,204 --> 01:12:15,413 They've arrested Brian! 1141 01:12:15,580 --> 01:12:17,582 ALL: What? They've dragged him off! 1142 01:12:17,749 --> 01:12:19,292 They're gonna crucify him! 1143 01:12:19,501 --> 01:12:22,963 Right! This calls for immediate discussion! 1144 01:12:23,129 --> 01:12:24,214 What?! Immediate! 1145 01:12:24,381 --> 01:12:25,423 Right! New motion? 1146 01:12:25,590 --> 01:12:31,054 Completely new motion! That there be immediate action-- 1147 01:12:31,221 --> 01:12:32,597 Once the vote has been taken. 1148 01:12:32,764 --> 01:12:35,600 Obviously once the vote's been taken. Can't act on a resolution till you vote-- 1149 01:12:35,767 --> 01:12:38,103 Reg, let's go now, please! Right! Right! 1150 01:12:38,270 --> 01:12:42,566 In the light of fresh information from sibling Judith... 1151 01:12:42,732 --> 01:12:44,734 Not so fast, Reg. Reg, for God's sake! 1152 01:12:44,901 --> 01:12:46,945 It's perfectly simple! 1153 01:12:47,112 --> 01:12:50,031 All you've gotta do is to go out of that door now, 1154 01:12:50,240 --> 01:12:52,784 and try to stop the Romans nailing him up! 1155 01:12:52,951 --> 01:12:54,452 It's happening, Reg! 1156 01:12:54,619 --> 01:12:59,624 Something's actually happening, Reg! Can't you understand? 1157 01:12:59,791 --> 01:13:01,334 [SCREAMS IN FRUSTRATION] 1158 01:13:05,088 --> 01:13:06,256 Yeah, hello. 1159 01:13:06,423 --> 01:13:08,675 Another little ego trip from the feminists. 1160 01:13:08,842 --> 01:13:11,469 What? Sorry, Loretta. 1161 01:13:11,636 --> 01:13:13,555 Read that back, would you? 1162 01:13:17,100 --> 01:13:19,769 [CHAINS RATTLING] 1163 01:13:26,693 --> 01:13:28,153 Next. 1164 01:13:28,320 --> 01:13:29,779 Crucifixion? Yes. 1165 01:13:29,946 --> 01:13:34,659 Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. 1166 01:13:34,826 --> 01:13:36,119 Next. 1167 01:13:36,286 --> 01:13:37,495 Crucifixion? Yes. 1168 01:13:37,662 --> 01:13:43,209 Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. Next. 1169 01:13:43,376 --> 01:13:46,379 Crucifixion? No, freedom. 1170 01:13:46,588 --> 01:13:47,839 What? Freedom for me. 1171 01:13:48,006 --> 01:13:52,344 They said I hadn't done anything, so I could go free and live on an island. 1172 01:13:52,594 --> 01:13:55,513 Oh. That's jolly good. Well, off you go, then. 1173 01:13:55,680 --> 01:13:58,683 No, I'm only pulling your leg. It's crucifixion, really. 1174 01:13:58,850 --> 01:14:00,685 I see. Very good, very good. 1175 01:14:00,852 --> 01:14:02,020 Well, out of the door. 1176 01:14:02,187 --> 01:14:04,564 Out of the door, one cross each, line on the left. 1177 01:14:04,731 --> 01:14:07,859 Line on the left. Yes, thank you. Crucifixion? 1178 01:14:08,026 --> 01:14:09,319 Yes. Good. 1179 01:14:09,527 --> 01:14:13,031 [TRUMPETS SOUNDING AND CROWD CHEERING] 1180 01:14:21,039 --> 01:14:22,832 [CROWD GROWS QUIET] 1181 01:14:23,375 --> 01:14:26,378 People of Jerusalem! 1182 01:14:28,129 --> 01:14:31,049 Wome is your fwiend! 1183 01:14:31,216 --> 01:14:33,343 [LAUGHTER] 1184 01:14:36,137 --> 01:14:39,933 To prove our friendship, it is customary at this time 1185 01:14:40,141 --> 01:14:43,228 to welease a wongdoer from our prisons. 1186 01:14:43,395 --> 01:14:44,729 [CROWD LAUGHS] 1187 01:14:44,896 --> 01:14:45,897 [SNICKERS] 1188 01:14:48,650 --> 01:14:52,612 Whom would you have me welease? 1189 01:14:52,779 --> 01:14:55,782 Release Woger! CROWD: Yeah! 1190 01:14:55,949 --> 01:14:59,744 CROWD: Release Woger! Release Woger! 1191 01:15:02,580 --> 01:15:07,252 Very well, I shall welease Woger! 1192 01:15:07,419 --> 01:15:10,130 CROWD: Yeah! 1193 01:15:10,296 --> 01:15:12,549 Sir, we don't have a Woger, sir. 1194 01:15:12,716 --> 01:15:16,594 What? We don't have anyone of that name. 1195 01:15:16,761 --> 01:15:19,597 Ah. We have no Woger! 1196 01:15:19,764 --> 01:15:22,392 CROWD: Aww. 1197 01:15:22,559 --> 01:15:24,310 But what about Wodewick, then? 1198 01:15:24,477 --> 01:15:27,605 CROWD: Yeah! Release Wodewick! Release Wodewick! 1199 01:15:27,772 --> 01:15:28,815 [CROWD LAUGHING] 1200 01:15:28,982 --> 01:15:33,778 Centurion, why do they titter so? 1201 01:15:34,946 --> 01:15:37,699 Just some Jewish joke, sir. 1202 01:15:39,117 --> 01:15:42,245 Are they wagging me? 1203 01:15:43,788 --> 01:15:46,082 Oh, no, sir! 1204 01:15:46,249 --> 01:15:47,292 [SNICKERS] 1205 01:15:47,459 --> 01:15:50,587 Very well. I shall welease Wodewick! 1206 01:15:50,754 --> 01:15:51,796 [CROWD LAUGHS] 1207 01:15:51,963 --> 01:15:53,840 Sir, we don't have a Roderick either. 1208 01:15:54,007 --> 01:15:57,135 No Woger, no Wodewick? Sorry, sir. 1209 01:15:57,302 --> 01:15:58,470 Who is this Wod--? [SNICKERS] 1210 01:15:58,720 --> 01:16:02,140 Who is this Wodewick to whom you refer? 1211 01:16:02,307 --> 01:16:03,808 He is a wobber! 1212 01:16:03,975 --> 01:16:05,101 [CROWD LAUGHS] 1213 01:16:05,268 --> 01:16:07,979 MAN: And a wapist! 1214 01:16:08,438 --> 01:16:12,233 And a pickpocket! Yeah-- No, no. 1215 01:16:13,526 --> 01:16:15,361 He sounds a notorious criminal. 1216 01:16:15,528 --> 01:16:17,322 We haven't got him, sir. 1217 01:16:18,323 --> 01:16:20,158 Do we have anyone in our prisons? 1218 01:16:20,325 --> 01:16:22,160 We've got a Samson, sir. Samson? 1219 01:16:22,327 --> 01:16:27,332 Samson the Sadducee Strangler, sir. Silas the Syrian Assassin. 1220 01:16:27,499 --> 01:16:31,336 Several seditious scribes from Caesarea. 1221 01:16:31,503 --> 01:16:32,545 Sixty-seven... 1222 01:16:32,754 --> 01:16:35,131 Let me thpeak to them, Pontiuth! Oh, no! 1223 01:16:35,298 --> 01:16:36,800 Good idea, Biggus! 1224 01:16:36,966 --> 01:16:41,054 Citizenth! We have Thamson the Thadducee Thtrangler, 1225 01:16:41,304 --> 01:16:43,681 Thilas the Athyrian Athathin, [CROWD LAUGHING] 1226 01:16:43,848 --> 01:16:47,852 theveral theditious thcribes from Thaetharea, and-- 1227 01:16:48,019 --> 01:16:49,813 Next. 1228 01:16:50,271 --> 01:16:52,357 Crucifixion? Yes. 1229 01:16:52,524 --> 01:16:56,694 Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. Jailer? 1230 01:16:56,861 --> 01:17:00,532 Excuse me? There's been a mistake. Just a moment, would you? Jailer? 1231 01:17:00,698 --> 01:17:04,702 How many have come through? What? 1232 01:17:04,869 --> 01:17:07,705 How many have come through? 1233 01:17:07,872 --> 01:17:08,873 What? 1234 01:17:09,040 --> 01:17:12,085 [STUTTERING] You'll have to speak... 1235 01:17:15,004 --> 01:17:18,675 Speak up, sir. He's-- He's d-- 1236 01:17:18,842 --> 01:17:22,887 He's deaf-- Deaf as a post, sir. 1237 01:17:23,054 --> 01:17:26,850 [LOUDLY] How many have come through? 1238 01:17:27,725 --> 01:17:29,894 [CHUCKLING] 1239 01:17:30,061 --> 01:17:32,730 Oh, dear. I make it 90-- 1240 01:17:32,897 --> 01:17:34,566 Ninety-- 1241 01:17:34,732 --> 01:17:36,234 Ninety-- 1242 01:17:37,402 --> 01:17:39,362 Ninety-six, sir. 1243 01:17:39,529 --> 01:17:42,031 It's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't it? 1244 01:17:42,198 --> 01:17:44,367 No, sir! 1245 01:17:44,534 --> 01:17:48,580 Not with these b-- Bastards, sir! 1246 01:17:54,586 --> 01:17:56,796 Crucifixion's too good for them, sir. 1247 01:17:56,963 --> 01:17:59,549 I don't think you could say it's too good for them. It's nasty! 1248 01:17:59,716 --> 01:18:01,843 It's not as n-- 1249 01:18:04,762 --> 01:18:08,099 Not as nasty as something I just thought up, sir. 1250 01:18:08,266 --> 01:18:11,436 Now, crucifixion? ls there someone I could speak to? 1251 01:18:11,603 --> 01:18:14,939 Well... I know where to get it if you want it. 1252 01:18:15,106 --> 01:18:19,277 What? Don't worry about him, sir. He's de-- 1253 01:18:21,905 --> 01:18:24,407 He's deaf and mad, sir. 1254 01:18:24,574 --> 01:18:26,242 Well, how did he get the job? 1255 01:18:26,409 --> 01:18:28,786 Bloody Pilate's pet, sir! 1256 01:18:28,953 --> 01:18:33,082 Get a move on, big nose! There's people waiting to be crucified out here! 1257 01:18:33,583 --> 01:18:35,418 Could I see a lawyer or someone? 1258 01:18:35,585 --> 01:18:37,629 Do you have a lawyer? No, but I'm a Roman. 1259 01:18:37,795 --> 01:18:40,256 How about a retrial? We've got plenty of time. 1260 01:18:40,757 --> 01:18:42,967 Shut up, you! Miserable, bloody Romans! 1261 01:18:43,134 --> 01:18:45,303 No sense of humour. 1262 01:18:45,470 --> 01:18:46,471 Sorry, bit of a hurry. 1263 01:18:46,638 --> 01:18:51,142 Can you go straight out, line on the left, one cross each? Now... 1264 01:18:51,309 --> 01:18:53,603 [CROWD LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY] 1265 01:18:59,984 --> 01:19:03,154 Wath it thomething I thaid? 1266 01:19:04,822 --> 01:19:08,826 Silence! 1267 01:19:08,993 --> 01:19:11,663 This man commands a cwack legion! 1268 01:19:11,829 --> 01:19:13,289 Cwack! Cwack! 1269 01:19:13,456 --> 01:19:16,960 [LAUGHING] 1270 01:19:17,126 --> 01:19:18,836 He wanks as high as any in Wome! 1271 01:19:19,003 --> 01:19:22,882 [CROWD LAUGHING] 1272 01:19:23,049 --> 01:19:24,342 [CLEARS THROAT] 1273 01:19:24,926 --> 01:19:26,427 Crucifixion party? 1274 01:19:28,513 --> 01:19:29,514 Morning. 1275 01:19:29,681 --> 01:19:34,060 Now, we will be on show as we go through the town, so let's not let the side down! 1276 01:19:34,227 --> 01:19:37,480 Keep in a straight line, three lengths between you and the man in front, 1277 01:19:37,647 --> 01:19:39,482 and a good, steady pace. 1278 01:19:39,649 --> 01:19:43,403 Crosses over your left shoulders, and if you keep your backs hard up 1279 01:19:43,569 --> 01:19:45,571 against the crossbeam you'll be there in no time. 1280 01:19:45,738 --> 01:19:47,073 [GROANS] 1281 01:19:47,240 --> 01:19:48,366 All right, centurion. 1282 01:19:48,533 --> 01:19:50,827 Crucifixion party! 1283 01:19:50,994 --> 01:19:52,996 Wait for it. 1284 01:19:53,162 --> 01:19:55,540 Crucifixion party! 1285 01:19:55,707 --> 01:19:59,836 By the left! Forward! 1286 01:20:00,003 --> 01:20:02,922 [PARTY GROANING] 1287 01:20:03,089 --> 01:20:05,591 PRISONER: You lucky bastards! 1288 01:20:07,051 --> 01:20:10,722 You lucky, jabby bastards! 1289 01:20:17,729 --> 01:20:18,938 [MOANS] 1290 01:20:19,105 --> 01:20:22,066 Let me shoulder your burden, brother! 1291 01:20:22,233 --> 01:20:25,403 Thank you. 1292 01:20:25,570 --> 01:20:28,614 Hey! Hey! What do you think you're doing? 1293 01:20:28,781 --> 01:20:29,907 It's not my cross-- 1294 01:20:30,074 --> 01:20:34,245 Shut up and get on with it! Come on! 1295 01:20:34,412 --> 01:20:38,916 He had you there, mate, didn't he? That'll teach you a lesson! 1296 01:20:39,584 --> 01:20:41,753 All wight! 1297 01:20:41,919 --> 01:20:44,213 I will give you one more chance! 1298 01:20:44,380 --> 01:20:50,595 This time I want to hear no Wubens, no Weginalds, 1299 01:20:50,762 --> 01:20:53,806 no Wudolf the Wed-nosed Weindeers. 1300 01:20:54,015 --> 01:20:55,975 No Thpenther Trathys! 1301 01:20:56,142 --> 01:20:58,102 Or we shall welease no one! 1302 01:20:58,269 --> 01:20:59,937 Release Brian! 1303 01:21:00,104 --> 01:21:01,481 Yeah, that's a good one! 1304 01:21:01,647 --> 01:21:03,566 Welease Bwian! 1305 01:21:03,733 --> 01:21:04,984 CROWD: Release Bwian! Release Bwian! 1306 01:21:05,151 --> 01:21:06,402 [LAUGHING] 1307 01:21:07,320 --> 01:21:09,238 Very well! That's it! 1308 01:21:09,405 --> 01:21:11,741 Sir, we have got a Brian, sir. What? 1309 01:21:11,908 --> 01:21:17,121 You just sent him for crucifixion, sir! Wait! Wait! We do have a Bwian. 1310 01:21:17,288 --> 01:21:20,583 Well, go and free him, straightaway! Yes, sir. Yes, sir. 1311 01:21:22,960 --> 01:21:28,841 Very well. I shall welease Bwian! 1312 01:21:32,428 --> 01:21:34,931 Get a move on, there! Or what? 1313 01:21:35,098 --> 01:21:36,349 Or you'll be in trouble! 1314 01:21:36,557 --> 01:21:40,937 Oh, dear. You mean I might have to give up being crucified in the afternoons? 1315 01:21:41,104 --> 01:21:43,481 Shut up! That would be a blow, wouldn't it? 1316 01:21:43,648 --> 01:21:45,608 I wouldn't have nothing to do! 1317 01:21:45,775 --> 01:21:47,193 Oh, thank you! 1318 01:21:50,321 --> 01:21:52,490 Are they gone? 1319 01:21:53,324 --> 01:21:57,620 We've got lumps of it around the back. 1320 01:21:57,787 --> 01:21:58,830 What? 1321 01:21:58,996 --> 01:22:01,707 Don't worry about him, sir, he's ma-- 1322 01:22:06,796 --> 01:22:10,216 He's mad, sir. Have they gone? 1323 01:22:10,800 --> 01:22:14,846 Oh! Ju-- N-- N-- 1324 01:22:15,012 --> 01:22:19,392 N-- Nuh-- Nuh-- Nuh-- 1325 01:22:19,600 --> 01:22:22,603 Oh, come on. Yes, sir. 1326 01:22:23,187 --> 01:22:27,150 Anyway, get on with the story. Well, I never really liked them, so I-- 1327 01:22:28,234 --> 01:22:30,987 Right! The motion to get on with it passed with one abstention. 1328 01:22:31,154 --> 01:22:33,573 I propose we go without further ado. May I have a second? 1329 01:22:33,739 --> 01:22:35,908 Let's just go. Yeah. 1330 01:22:51,549 --> 01:22:56,220 Bloody Romans! Watch it! Still a few crosses left! 1331 01:22:57,930 --> 01:23:00,558 Up you go, big nose! 1332 01:23:00,725 --> 01:23:02,393 I'll get you for this, you bastard! 1333 01:23:02,560 --> 01:23:06,022 Oh, yeah! Don't worry. I never forget a face. 1334 01:23:06,189 --> 01:23:07,732 No? I warn you. 1335 01:23:07,899 --> 01:23:11,194 I'm gonna punch you so hard, you Roman git! 1336 01:23:11,360 --> 01:23:13,529 Shut up, you Jewish turd! 1337 01:23:13,696 --> 01:23:17,742 Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not Jewish, I'm a Samaritan! 1338 01:23:17,909 --> 01:23:20,870 A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section! 1339 01:23:21,037 --> 01:23:24,749 It doesn't matter! You're all gonna die in a day or two! 1340 01:23:24,916 --> 01:23:28,377 It may not matter to you, but it matters to us. Doesn't it, darling? 1341 01:23:28,544 --> 01:23:29,754 Oh, rather! 1342 01:23:29,921 --> 01:23:31,964 Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, 1343 01:23:32,215 --> 01:23:35,218 we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area. 1344 01:23:35,384 --> 01:23:37,553 CRUCIFIED MAN Pharisees separate from Sadducees! 1345 01:23:37,720 --> 01:23:39,805 CRUCIFIED MAN And Swedish separate from Welsh! 1346 01:23:41,390 --> 01:23:44,936 All right, all right, all right! We'll soon settle this! 1347 01:23:45,102 --> 01:23:48,481 Hands up, all those who don't want to be crucified here! 1348 01:23:48,689 --> 01:23:50,608 [STRAINING AND GRUNTING] 1349 01:23:50,775 --> 01:23:52,610 Right! Next! 1350 01:23:52,777 --> 01:23:55,905 Look, it's not my cross. What?! 1351 01:23:56,072 --> 01:23:58,324 It's not my cross, I was holding it for someone. 1352 01:23:58,491 --> 01:24:00,535 Just lie down, I haven't got all day! 1353 01:24:00,701 --> 01:24:03,079 Of course. Look, I hate to make a fuss-- 1354 01:24:03,246 --> 01:24:06,332 Look, we've had a busy day, and there's 140 of you lot to get up. 1355 01:24:06,499 --> 01:24:08,960 Is he Jewish? Will you be quiet?! 1356 01:24:09,126 --> 01:24:11,295 We don't want any more Samaritans around here. 1357 01:24:11,462 --> 01:24:12,672 Belt up! 1358 01:24:12,838 --> 01:24:14,882 Will you let me down if he comes back? 1359 01:24:15,049 --> 01:24:16,467 Yeah, yeah, we'll let you down. 1360 01:24:16,634 --> 01:24:18,261 Next! You don't have to do this! 1361 01:24:18,427 --> 01:24:22,515 You don't have to take orders! I like orders. 1362 01:24:44,328 --> 01:24:47,123 See? Not so bad once you're up. 1363 01:24:48,040 --> 01:24:51,961 You're being rescued then, are you? It's a bit late for that now, isn't it? 1364 01:24:52,128 --> 01:24:54,046 No, we've got a couple of days up here. 1365 01:24:54,255 --> 01:24:56,340 Plenty of time. Lots of people get rescued. 1366 01:24:56,507 --> 01:24:57,967 Oh? 1367 01:24:58,134 --> 01:24:59,719 Oh, yeah. My brother usually rescues me. 1368 01:24:59,885 --> 01:25:02,722 If he can keep off the tail for more than 20 minutes. 1369 01:25:02,888 --> 01:25:05,725 Randy little bugger. Up and down like the Assyrian Empire. 1370 01:25:05,891 --> 01:25:07,018 [LAUGHS] 1371 01:25:11,814 --> 01:25:14,191 Hello. Your family arrived then? 1372 01:25:14,358 --> 01:25:15,401 Reg! 1373 01:25:15,568 --> 01:25:18,863 Hello, sibling Brian. Thank God you've come, Reg. 1374 01:25:19,030 --> 01:25:23,534 I think I should point out in fairness that we are not the rescue committee. 1375 01:25:23,701 --> 01:25:26,704 However, I have been asked to read this prepared statement 1376 01:25:26,871 --> 01:25:28,539 on behalf of the movement. 1377 01:25:28,706 --> 01:25:32,001 "We, the People's Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, 1378 01:25:32,168 --> 01:25:36,672 do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, 1379 01:25:36,839 --> 01:25:39,342 on this, the occasion of your martyrdom." 1380 01:25:39,508 --> 01:25:40,718 What? 1381 01:25:40,885 --> 01:25:43,888 "Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate 1382 01:25:44,055 --> 01:25:47,558 the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, 1383 01:25:47,725 --> 01:25:50,936 excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, 1384 01:25:51,103 --> 01:25:55,566 education. And any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews 1385 01:25:55,733 --> 01:25:58,235 of both sexes and hermaphrodites." 1386 01:25:58,402 --> 01:26:01,364 Signed, "On behalf of the PFJ, et cetera." 1387 01:26:01,530 --> 01:26:04,617 And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration 1388 01:26:04,825 --> 01:26:10,206 for what you're doing for us and what must be, after all, for you, a difficult time. 1389 01:26:10,373 --> 01:26:14,752 Reg! What are you going to do? Goodbye, Brian. And thanks. 1390 01:26:16,629 --> 01:26:18,631 All right, Brian. Keep it up, lad. 1391 01:26:18,839 --> 01:26:21,258 Terrific work, Brian. 1392 01:26:23,761 --> 01:26:26,389 [CONVERSING INDISTINCTLY] 1393 01:26:26,555 --> 01:26:28,557 Right. And: 1394 01:26:28,724 --> 01:26:30,768 TOGETHER: ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪ 1395 01:26:30,935 --> 01:26:32,978 ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪ 1396 01:26:33,145 --> 01:26:35,940 ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪ 1397 01:26:36,107 --> 01:26:38,109 ♪ And so say all of us ♪ 1398 01:26:38,275 --> 01:26:40,945 ♪ And so say all of-- ♪♪ 1399 01:26:44,073 --> 01:26:47,243 You bastards! You bastards! 1400 01:26:47,410 --> 01:26:50,496 Where is Brian of Nazareth? BRIAN: You sanctimonious bastards! 1401 01:26:50,663 --> 01:26:54,625 I have an order for his release. You stupid bastards! 1402 01:26:54,792 --> 01:26:56,794 I'm Brian of Nazareth. What? 1403 01:26:56,961 --> 01:26:58,671 I'm Brian of Nazareth. Take him down! 1404 01:26:58,879 --> 01:27:00,589 I'm Brian of Nazareth! 1405 01:27:01,173 --> 01:27:03,801 I'm Brian! I'm Brian! 1406 01:27:03,968 --> 01:27:05,845 Look, look, I'm Brian! 1407 01:27:06,011 --> 01:27:09,140 I'm Brian! I'm Brian and so is my wife! 1408 01:27:09,306 --> 01:27:12,017 ALL: I'm Brian! 1409 01:27:12,184 --> 01:27:13,644 Right! Take him away and release him! 1410 01:27:13,811 --> 01:27:16,814 No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. 1411 01:27:16,981 --> 01:27:20,151 No, I'm not Brian! I was only-- It was a joke. 1412 01:27:20,317 --> 01:27:22,945 I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! 1413 01:27:23,112 --> 01:27:25,489 I'm not him, I'm just having you on! 1414 01:27:25,656 --> 01:27:29,410 Put me back! Bloody Romans, can't take a joke. 1415 01:27:31,662 --> 01:27:33,789 [TRUMPETS SOUNDING] 1416 01:27:39,336 --> 01:27:41,130 The Judean People's Front! 1417 01:27:42,173 --> 01:27:44,508 CENTURION: The Judean People's Front! 1418 01:27:44,675 --> 01:27:48,512 Forward, all! 1419 01:27:51,682 --> 01:27:53,893 ASSISTANT Look out! The Judean People's Front! 1420 01:27:54,059 --> 01:27:56,854 ASSISTANT The Judean People's Front! 1421 01:27:57,021 --> 01:27:59,648 ASSISTANT The Judean People's Front! 1422 01:28:03,694 --> 01:28:08,866 We are the Judean People's Front, crack suicide squad. 1423 01:28:09,033 --> 01:28:13,370 Suicide squad, attack! 1424 01:28:21,879 --> 01:28:24,882 That showed them, huh? 1425 01:28:25,716 --> 01:28:28,219 You silly sods! 1426 01:28:28,385 --> 01:28:30,095 JUDITH: Brian! 1427 01:28:30,262 --> 01:28:33,933 Brian! Brian! Brian! 1428 01:28:34,099 --> 01:28:36,185 Judith! 1429 01:28:36,352 --> 01:28:42,107 Terrific! Great! Reg explained it to me, and I think it's great what you're doing. 1430 01:28:42,274 --> 01:28:46,737 Thank you, Brian. I'll never forget you. 1431 01:28:55,037 --> 01:28:57,748 So there you are! 1432 01:28:57,915 --> 01:29:00,125 I might have known it would end up like this. 1433 01:29:00,292 --> 01:29:04,296 Just think of all the love and affection I've wasted on you! 1434 01:29:04,505 --> 01:29:07,216 Well, if that's how you treat your poor, old mother 1435 01:29:07,383 --> 01:29:10,761 in the autumn years of her life, all I can say is: 1436 01:29:10,928 --> 01:29:14,974 Go ahead. Be crucified. See if I care. 1437 01:29:15,140 --> 01:29:20,229 I might have known. Mum! Mum! 1438 01:29:20,396 --> 01:29:22,565 I don't know what the world is coming to. 1439 01:29:27,820 --> 01:29:29,405 CRUCIFIED MAN Cheer up, Brian! 1440 01:29:29,572 --> 01:29:31,782 You know what they say? 1441 01:29:31,949 --> 01:29:34,743 Some things in life are bad. 1442 01:29:34,910 --> 01:29:37,496 They can really make you mad. 1443 01:29:37,663 --> 01:29:41,584 Other things just make you swear and curse. 1444 01:29:41,792 --> 01:29:44,128 ♪ When you're chewing On life's gristle ♪ 1445 01:29:44,295 --> 01:29:47,756 ♪ Don't grumble Give a whistle ♪ 1446 01:29:47,923 --> 01:29:52,303 ♪ And this'll help things Turn out for the best ♪ 1447 01:29:52,469 --> 01:29:54,138 ♪ And ♪ 1448 01:29:54,305 --> 01:29:58,976 ♪ Always look On the bright side of life ♪ 1449 01:29:59,143 --> 01:30:02,521 [WHISTLING] 1450 01:30:02,688 --> 01:30:07,276 ♪ Always look on The light side of life ♪ 1451 01:30:07,443 --> 01:30:09,820 [WHISTLING] 1452 01:30:09,987 --> 01:30:12,031 ♪ If life seems jolly rotten ♪ 1453 01:30:12,197 --> 01:30:13,991 ♪ There's something You've forgotten ♪ 1454 01:30:14,158 --> 01:30:17,870 ♪ And that's to laugh and smile And dance and sing ♪ 1455 01:30:18,078 --> 01:30:19,872 ♪ When you're feeling In the dumps ♪ 1456 01:30:20,080 --> 01:30:22,291 ♪ Don't be silly chumps ♪ 1457 01:30:22,458 --> 01:30:25,502 ♪ Just purse your lips and whistle That's the thing ♪ 1458 01:30:25,669 --> 01:30:30,799 ♪ And always look on The bright side of life ♪ 1459 01:30:30,966 --> 01:30:32,134 [WHISTLING] 1460 01:30:32,301 --> 01:30:34,178 Come on! [OTHERS WHISTLING] 1461 01:30:34,511 --> 01:30:39,016 ALL: ♪ Always look on The right side of life ♪ 1462 01:30:39,183 --> 01:30:42,186 [ALL WHISTLING] 1463 01:30:42,353 --> 01:30:44,146 ♪ For life is quite absurd ♪ 1464 01:30:44,313 --> 01:30:46,023 ♪ And death's the final word ♪ 1465 01:30:46,190 --> 01:30:49,985 ♪ You must always face The curtain with a bow ♪ 1466 01:30:50,152 --> 01:30:52,029 ♪ Forget about your sin ♪ 1467 01:30:52,196 --> 01:30:54,239 ♪ Give the audience a grin ♪ 1468 01:30:54,406 --> 01:30:57,534 ALL: ♪ Enjoy it It's your last chance anyhow ♪ 1469 01:30:57,701 --> 01:31:03,374 ♪ So always look on The bright side of death ♪ 1470 01:31:03,540 --> 01:31:06,502 [WHISTLING] 1471 01:31:06,669 --> 01:31:11,382 ♪ Just before You draw your terminal breath ♪ 1472 01:31:11,548 --> 01:31:14,385 [WHISTLING] 1473 01:31:14,551 --> 01:31:16,387 ♪ Life's a piece of shit ♪ 1474 01:31:16,553 --> 01:31:18,347 ♪ When you look at it ♪ 1475 01:31:18,514 --> 01:31:22,226 ♪ Life's a laugh and death's a joke It's true ♪ 1476 01:31:22,393 --> 01:31:24,061 ♪ You'll see it's all a show ♪ 1477 01:31:24,228 --> 01:31:26,105 ♪ Keep on laughing as you go ♪ 1478 01:31:26,271 --> 01:31:29,942 ♪ Just remember that The last laugh is on you ♪ 1479 01:31:30,150 --> 01:31:36,407 ALL: ♪ And always look on The bright side of life ♪ 1480 01:31:36,657 --> 01:31:38,575 [WHISTLING] 1481 01:31:38,742 --> 01:31:43,747 ♪ Always look on The right side of life ♪ 1482 01:31:43,914 --> 01:31:46,625 Come on, Brian! Cheer up! [OTHERS WHISTLING] 1483 01:31:46,792 --> 01:31:51,422 ♪ Always look On the bright side of life ♪ 1484 01:31:51,588 --> 01:31:54,466 [WHISTLING] 1485 01:31:54,675 --> 01:31:59,430 ♪ Always look On the bright side of life ♪ 1486 01:31:59,596 --> 01:32:02,558 CRUCIFIED MAN Worse things happen at sea, you know? 1487 01:32:02,725 --> 01:32:05,811 ♪ Always look On the bright side of life ♪ 1488 01:32:05,978 --> 01:32:08,439 What have you got to lose? You come from nothing, 1489 01:32:08,605 --> 01:32:10,607 you're going back to nothing, what have you lost? 1490 01:32:10,774 --> 01:32:12,109 Nothing! 1491 01:32:12,276 --> 01:32:15,779 ♪ Always look On the bright side of life ♪ 1492 01:32:15,946 --> 01:32:18,615 Nothing will come from nothing, you know what they say? 1493 01:32:18,782 --> 01:32:20,409 Cheer up, you old bugger! 1494 01:32:20,576 --> 01:32:23,120 Come on! Give us a grin! There you are! 1495 01:32:23,287 --> 01:32:28,459 See? The end of the film. Incidentally, this record is available in the foyer. 1496 01:32:29,209 --> 01:32:32,588 Some of us have got to live as well, you know? 1497 01:32:32,755 --> 01:32:35,674 Who do you think pays for all this rubbish? 1498 01:32:35,841 --> 01:32:38,469 They're not gonna make their money back, you know. 1499 01:32:38,635 --> 01:32:40,429 I told them. I said to him. 1500 01:32:40,596 --> 01:32:42,473 "Bernie," I said, "they'll never make their money back." 1501 01:32:42,639 --> 01:32:46,977 ♪ Always look on The bright side of life ♪♪ 1502 01:32:50,481 --> 01:32:53,025 [♪♪♪]