1
00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:07,420
Entrepreneur, restaurateur, a short
badger -like tycoon with so much money

2
00:00:07,420 --> 00:00:08,740
bought the word money.

3
00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:11,160
Dan Halen is all of these things.

4
00:00:11,460 --> 00:00:16,440
We caught up with Halen at his in
-ground pool, inexplicably built in the

5
00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:20,560
of a giant lake, which is itself a giant
above -ground pool.

6
00:00:20,900 --> 00:00:25,660
Right now we are adrift on the North
Pole. I wanted future generations to

7
00:00:25,660 --> 00:00:28,600
it in its pristine state here in
Georgia.

8
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:30,540
Putting a wave pool in there.

9
00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:33,480
In the spring. And here we have Mecca.
Yes.

10
00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:38,420
Millions of Muslims have no idea where
to turn.

11
00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:41,760
It's really quite funny. Now, what's
this here?

12
00:00:41,980 --> 00:00:46,580
The Blarningstone. Yes, I found that I
needed to luck more than the Irish.

13
00:00:46,820 --> 00:00:48,920
Ah. So I just acquired that.

14
00:00:49,500 --> 00:00:53,540
Melissa, you'll find that I'm a simple
man of simple taste.

15
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,520
Look. The sphinx has a booger.

16
00:00:57,300 --> 00:00:58,700
An orange booger.

17
00:01:02,899 --> 00:01:06,540
I'm delighted by this. You have an
impressive collection here.

18
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:10,880
But I would... And the moon, too. Did
you know that? Did I mention? The moon.

19
00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:12,480
I own that.

20
00:01:12,700 --> 00:01:13,700
That's mine.

21
00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:14,760
It's impressive.

22
00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:20,200
Yes, I put pandas up there. They said it
couldn't be done, and they were right,

23
00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:22,020
it turned out. The pandas exploded.

24
00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:27,040
Look, I'm not a scientist. I'm just a
man with a lot of money.

25
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:28,320
See that lamp?

26
00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:30,220
That was once a human being.

27
00:01:30,500 --> 00:01:31,419
I don't...

28
00:01:31,420 --> 00:01:34,980
I don't want to tell you how to turn it
on. I don't know if we can say that on a

29
00:01:34,980 --> 00:01:36,020
family program.

30
00:01:36,500 --> 00:01:39,640
You have an estimated net worth of over
$5 billion.

31
00:01:40,180 --> 00:01:41,780
What keeps you going?

32
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:43,640
Oh, Melissa, come now.

33
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:49,100
My team of five tailors sews my pants on
me one thread at a time, just like

34
00:01:49,100 --> 00:01:50,100
everyone else.

35
00:01:50,420 --> 00:01:52,280
But I notice you're not wearing pants.

36
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,880
You're sure about that?

37
00:01:55,460 --> 00:01:57,780
Zoom in on this, right here.

38
00:01:58,120 --> 00:01:59,700
Does that say...

39
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:01,140
Born to pork?

40
00:02:01,420 --> 00:02:03,400
Oh, well, I'm glad you noticed.

41
00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:09,680
It's from my exclusive line of tan man
body stencils. Halen's body stencils are

42
00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:12,540
the newest moneymaker in an unstoppable
empire.

43
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:15,760
Now with comically mixed up letters.

44
00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:18,020
Pimp your muffin top today.

45
00:02:18,380 --> 00:02:19,760
You know I have.

46
00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:24,960
If Dan Halen were any less successful,
he might not be able to indulge his

47
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:28,300
expensive taste, like his menagerie of
exotic pets.

48
00:02:30,980 --> 00:02:32,180
Ah, hello, boy.

49
00:02:32,500 --> 00:02:36,080
Wow. Allow me to introduce you. This is
Ken Griffin, Jr.

50
00:02:36,900 --> 00:02:39,500
And that's an actual griffin from
mythology.

51
00:02:39,980 --> 00:02:43,560
No, no, no. This is a griffindoodle.
They're more expensive than a purebred

52
00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:46,400
griffin. But they're terrible with
children.

53
00:02:47,740 --> 00:02:51,860
Now, shouldn't this fish be in a bowl?
If he were the one calling the shots,

54
00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:55,440
yes, he would be in a bowl, I suppose.
Fat and happy.

55
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:57,360
But he's not.

56
00:02:57,740 --> 00:02:58,740
Come on.

57
00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:01,380
Moonwalk. Do the moonwalk for me.

58
00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:04,140
There you go.

59
00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:06,640
There you go.

60
00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:09,140
There you go.

61
00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:12,900
You see, I'm teaching him to equate
water with pain.

62
00:03:13,620 --> 00:03:16,060
Someday we'll look back on it and laugh.

63
00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:19,240
Some of us will.

64
00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:26,900
Why do you think you have so many
enemies in the business world? Well, I

65
00:03:26,900 --> 00:03:30,100
outside the box, Melissa, and I chart my
own course.

66
00:03:30,380 --> 00:03:35,120
I'm American and I refuse to outsource.
The Japanese have a word.

67
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,100
Hanawana something.

68
00:03:37,420 --> 00:03:41,580
I... well, I... I bought this sword in
Japan.

69
00:03:42,630 --> 00:03:46,490
Critics point to Halen's affinity for
even more controversial business

70
00:03:46,490 --> 00:03:48,770
practices, like undersourcing.

71
00:03:49,170 --> 00:03:50,149
Melissa, listen.

72
00:03:50,150 --> 00:03:55,130
The mole people had no future before I
came along. I brought them electricity,

73
00:03:55,430 --> 00:03:56,550
taught them structure.

74
00:03:57,190 --> 00:04:00,310
They had no elevator to the surface, for
example.

75
00:04:00,550 --> 00:04:06,490
And they still don't. I think we'd
all... I think we'll all sleep a lot

76
00:04:06,490 --> 00:04:08,030
with them not being able to get up here.

77
00:04:09,130 --> 00:04:10,130
No!

78
00:04:11,150 --> 00:04:14,910
And his controversial volcano fun camp
for winners.

79
00:04:15,190 --> 00:04:21,589
I bring 40 underprivileged inner city
kids with no home, no education, no

80
00:04:21,589 --> 00:04:25,050
future, to spend the summer in my
volcano.

81
00:04:25,490 --> 00:04:28,730
Many of these kids would never even get
to see a volcano.

82
00:04:29,410 --> 00:04:33,370
Now they get to be part of a real, live,
working volcano.

83
00:04:34,770 --> 00:04:36,590
Come on, who wants second place?

84
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,470
Come on, get in there!

85
00:04:40,940 --> 00:04:45,400
Local law enforcement has for years
turned a blind eye to Halen's

86
00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:49,860
exploits. Well, he has brought a lot of
money into the county. If he's got to

87
00:04:49,860 --> 00:04:55,840
bend a few laws of nature to, you know,
make a profit, well, who am I to say?

88
00:04:56,220 --> 00:04:57,220
You're the sheriff.

89
00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:03,600
Right? Well, someday, knock on wood, it
would be a great honor to serve under

90
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:06,740
Mr. Abrams. Here we go. Oh, come on. Oh,
shut up.

91
00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:11,060
You'd be saying the same thing if it was
you, I guarantee it. Oh, you're just

92
00:05:11,060 --> 00:05:14,460
kissing ass because you want to be
harvested next. Make me sick.

93
00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:18,520
He's right. He loves the camera, that
guy, don't he, boy? Winters are so tough

94
00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:19,520
out here.

95
00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:22,080
Oh, no, the sleep fog. I said too much.

96
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:25,900
And then there's this.

97
00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:32,220
Anything smaller just doesn't give me
the bounce and volume I require.

98
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:39,120
Mr. Halen, you call this a hair driery.
Some of your critics have referred to it

99
00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:40,780
as a global warmery.

100
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:45,860
I'll have you know this whole plant runs
on clean, burning...

101
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:51,740
Styrofoam! But a whistleblower at the
plant told an even more disturbing

102
00:05:52,180 --> 00:05:56,380
Hell, humor ain't so bad. Don't knock it
till you try it. Shield your eyes!

103
00:05:58,280 --> 00:06:00,500
But there was another thing he said.
What?

104
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:01,800
Earlier.

105
00:06:02,300 --> 00:06:05,960
You mean how I like that movie where
Brian Bosworth played a detective?

106
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:12,400
No, the very first thing. Oh, the one
where Brian Bosworth is playing a

107
00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:15,200
motorcycle, right? No. That's the
animated thing?

108
00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,340
No, no, the very first thing you said.

109
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,520
Remember, it was about the children?

110
00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:24,980
Oh, about how everyone else working here
is a bunch of naked kids. It ain't such

111
00:06:24,980 --> 00:06:26,840
a big deal. That's right.

112
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:28,360
Naked children.

113
00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,960
Forced to work in unclosed conditions
for no pay.

114
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:35,400
Do you have anything you want to say to
the people about this?

115
00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:42,240
Oh, Melissa, those aren't naked
children. They're... Listen, when I

116
00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:45,020
this interview, I was under the
impression we'd be talking about my

117
00:06:45,020 --> 00:06:49,040
work. Dan Hillen does have a cause about
which he feels passionately.

118
00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:53,200
Helping people who, like him, were born
without needs.

119
00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:56,540
I never let it stop me from living my
life.

120
00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:00,560
Every morning, I get up and do 50 squat
thrusts.

121
00:07:01,700 --> 00:07:08,040
One. And so, in conclusion, don't allow
your spirit to bend because your knees

122
00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:13,960
will not. For I say to thee, one born
without knees kneels before no man.

123
00:07:15,900 --> 00:07:17,500
Thank you. Thank you.

124
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:22,720
Thank you. But on the other hand, I do
have feet. Who allowed this freak in

125
00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:25,220
here? Find your own charity, footman.

126
00:07:27,460 --> 00:07:33,840
As influential as he is, surprisingly
little is known about Halen's past, even

127
00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:35,440
by his neighbors and employees.

128
00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:40,720
Yeah, I know about Dan Halen. He was an
ornery fella, chattering up in a tree

129
00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:44,300
all taunting -like, cheeks all puffed up
and wally nuts and whatnot.

130
00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:48,160
I took aim at him with my pellet gun,
blasted the tar out of him.

131
00:07:48,420 --> 00:07:52,300
Are you sure you're not talking about
that stuffed squirrel over there?

132
00:07:52,860 --> 00:07:53,860
Oh.

133
00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:59,140
Well, you might be right about that now.
Is there anything you can say about Dan

134
00:07:59,140 --> 00:08:00,140
Halen?

135
00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:01,520
Hmm.

136
00:08:02,540 --> 00:08:06,100
Um... The man who's been your boss for
the past 17 years?

137
00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:10,680
Wally nuts.

138
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:13,880
Okay. I'm blasted the hell out of him. I
think we've got all we're going to get

139
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:19,160
here. We paid a visit to the Dan Halen
archives at Sheetrock Memorial

140
00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:21,500
and were shocked at what we found.

141
00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:24,140
Mr. Halen, take a look at this.

142
00:08:24,750 --> 00:08:27,510
The Chicago Democratic Convention in
1968.

143
00:08:28,290 --> 00:08:32,929
Ah, the 60s. I'll never forget them. I
believe that's you in the upper left

144
00:08:32,929 --> 00:08:34,750
corner hitting someone with a chain.

145
00:08:35,210 --> 00:08:39,030
I remember. I remember I made that guy
taste the chain.

146
00:08:39,590 --> 00:08:44,610
Taste the chain, I said. Again and
again. Long after he was incapable of

147
00:08:44,610 --> 00:08:49,510
anything. We found this in the archives
after the invasion of Poland.

148
00:08:52,970 --> 00:08:55,290
We belong to the same gym.

149
00:08:55,490 --> 00:08:59,570
I suppose you'll take that image out of
context and make it into something.

150
00:08:59,890 --> 00:09:02,390
Here you are in Berlin in 1926.

151
00:09:02,770 --> 00:09:05,430
So I used to be a transvestite cabaret
host.

152
00:09:05,690 --> 00:09:07,410
You have a point with this?

153
00:09:08,140 --> 00:09:13,400
According to our research, Dan Halen has
apparently existed throughout recorded

154
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:18,640
history. Everyone tortured political
prisoners during the medieval era.

155
00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:23,560
This sacrifice led to plenty of rain.
The maize crop that year was wonderful.

156
00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:26,880
I was taking the nail out. I was trying
to help the man.

157
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:32,160
Well, it's not like I invented fire. So
I spread some of the black plague. Those

158
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:36,040
Egyptians were trying to steal precious
artifacts from the British Museum.

159
00:09:36,780 --> 00:09:38,660
Well, that was just an accident.

160
00:09:38,900 --> 00:09:44,100
Mr. Halen, these pictures prove you're
tens of thousands of years old. Melissa.

161
00:09:44,180 --> 00:09:45,720
What do you say to these charges?

162
00:09:48,180 --> 00:09:49,300
I don't recall.

163
00:09:49,660 --> 00:09:52,920
You don't recall that you're a living
embodiment of evil?

164
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:59,080
Uh, no. No, I don't recall that. A
plague on humanity from the beginning of

165
00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:00,100
time? No.

166
00:10:00,970 --> 00:10:04,850
I don't... I don't recall. We have film
evidence. We have pictures.

167
00:10:05,130 --> 00:10:09,030
Come on. What could you possibly say to
these charges, Mr. Halen?

168
00:10:11,150 --> 00:10:15,230
I'm sorry, but I'm not equipped to reach
a conclusion regarding that assessment

169
00:10:15,230 --> 00:10:19,650
at this time. And what's more, let me
add that I will explode your head for

170
00:10:19,650 --> 00:10:20,349
saying that.

171
00:10:20,350 --> 00:10:21,350
Mr. Halen.

172
00:10:22,050 --> 00:10:24,370
Yes, there's no such thing as a free
necklace.

173
00:10:26,090 --> 00:10:27,090
Muckraker.

174
00:10:28,370 --> 00:10:30,170
Let me just scoot this over.

175
00:10:31,150 --> 00:10:35,930
Tell me more about your tan man body
stencils. Oh, that's a good question,

176
00:10:36,010 --> 00:10:39,850
Melissa. No, I didn't realize we were
going to be promoting my products today.

177
00:10:40,090 --> 00:10:41,330
Now that's journalism.

178
00:10:42,490 --> 00:10:44,610
Insightful, but extremely well
-balanced.

179
00:10:45,170 --> 00:10:47,110
I feel like I'm friends with the man.

180
00:10:47,430 --> 00:10:48,450
Hell of a man, that one.

181
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:50,770
Giving us these free necklaces the way
he done.

182
00:10:51,390 --> 00:10:52,349
Hell of a man.

183
00:10:52,350 --> 00:10:54,450
Yeah, well, I just wish he'd let us
smoke it.

184
00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:58,290
Yes, our break's over.

185
00:10:58,510 --> 00:11:00,320
Yeah. Back to work.

186
00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:03,500
Hail of a man.