1 00:00:00,907 --> 00:00:04,242 In march 2009, I'd been dating my high school girlfriend Karen 2 00:00:04,362 --> 00:00:07,182 for a few weeks. My friends couldn't have been less excited. 3 00:00:07,302 --> 00:00:08,507 Hey, everybody. 4 00:00:10,008 --> 00:00:12,208 Sorry, we... we can't stay along. 5 00:00:14,327 --> 00:00:16,515 Are those real diamond earrings? 6 00:00:16,804 --> 00:00:17,992 Yes, they are. 7 00:00:18,196 --> 00:00:20,853 - Thank you. - I didn't say I liked them. 8 00:00:22,060 --> 00:00:23,808 I got a great deal on them, so... 9 00:00:23,928 --> 00:00:26,826 Cool. I'm sure all the exploited diamond miners in Sierra Leone 10 00:00:26,946 --> 00:00:29,834 would give you a high-five if they still had all their fingers. 11 00:00:29,954 --> 00:00:31,354 But really pretty. 12 00:00:31,842 --> 00:00:33,192 Meet me upstairs. 13 00:00:33,624 --> 00:00:36,285 They only need one finger to give her what I'm thinking. 14 00:00:37,613 --> 00:00:38,871 Karen's a douche. 15 00:00:39,934 --> 00:00:43,334 - Thanks for sugarcoating it. - "Douche" is sugarcoating it. 16 00:00:43,454 --> 00:00:46,892 Believe it or not, my friends do not get a vote on who I date. 17 00:00:47,012 --> 00:00:48,899 It's my life. I call the shots. 18 00:00:49,019 --> 00:00:50,409 - Ted, now. - Coming. 19 00:00:52,215 --> 00:00:54,828 I don't know what Ted sees in that 20 00:00:54,948 --> 00:00:56,101 horrible woman. 21 00:00:56,317 --> 00:00:58,367 I mean, she's got boobs, but... 22 00:00:58,724 --> 00:01:00,077 I guess I get it. 23 00:01:00,314 --> 00:01:02,405 I think it's because they met in high school. 24 00:01:02,525 --> 00:01:04,450 She was his first real girlfriend. 25 00:01:04,570 --> 00:01:06,373 We look at Karen and see a jerk. 26 00:01:06,473 --> 00:01:08,876 Ted looks at Karen and sees the first person to touch his wiener 27 00:01:08,976 --> 00:01:11,487 besides himself, his mom, and his peditrician. 28 00:01:11,844 --> 00:01:14,281 It's almost 2:00 a.m. I better get ready for work. 29 00:01:14,401 --> 00:01:16,413 How can they call that thing you're on 30 00:01:16,533 --> 00:01:20,069 a "morning show"? 4:00 a.m. is still the middle of the night. 31 00:01:20,305 --> 00:01:21,580 I don't see how you do it. 32 00:01:21,700 --> 00:01:23,317 It's been almost a month. 33 00:01:23,437 --> 00:01:24,565 I'm used to it. 34 00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:26,455 Plus the show's not half bad, right? 35 00:01:26,575 --> 00:01:28,725 - Totally. - I've never seen it. 36 00:01:29,460 --> 00:01:30,822 Have you guys ever watched it? 37 00:01:30,942 --> 00:01:32,562 - Of course! - I've never seen it. 38 00:01:32,662 --> 00:01:34,301 What is your favorite segment? 39 00:01:34,401 --> 00:01:35,867 - Weather. - I've never seen it. 40 00:01:35,967 --> 00:01:37,580 You guys have never seen my show. 41 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:39,646 - It's true. - That's what I've been saying. 42 00:01:40,322 --> 00:01:42,362 Yes, it's dull and generic 43 00:01:42,482 --> 00:01:44,724 and we get spanked in the ratings by that Korean channel 44 00:01:44,844 --> 00:01:48,107 that only shows Kim Jong-Il riding a horse, but... 45 00:01:48,508 --> 00:01:50,293 guys, it would mean so much to me 46 00:01:50,413 --> 00:01:53,714 if just once I knew my friends were out there watching. 47 00:01:54,884 --> 00:01:56,006 I'll tell you what. 48 00:01:56,126 --> 00:01:58,473 This Friday morning, everyone can come to our place 49 00:01:58,593 --> 00:02:00,815 3:30 a.m. we'll all put on Pjs. 50 00:02:00,935 --> 00:02:02,548 We'll watch Robin's show. 51 00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:06,417 - You guys are the best. - We just want to support you. 52 00:02:06,537 --> 00:02:08,619 I just want to go to sleep! 53 00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:11,881 I hate Robin for not being more successful. 54 00:02:15,935 --> 00:02:17,235 Sad annoucement, 55 00:02:18,124 --> 00:02:19,555 Karen broke up with me. 56 00:02:22,070 --> 00:02:24,620 - Go ahead. - I knew you were listening! 57 00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:28,483 Traduction : MiniBen314 et Lino72 58 00:02:28,603 --> 00:02:30,323 Synchro : Mickeyte et MiniBen314 59 00:02:30,443 --> 00:02:32,810 Relecture : MiniBen314 Transcript : Shooter.cn 60 00:02:32,930 --> 00:02:36,443 How I Met Your Mother 4x17 - The Front Porch 61 00:02:36,563 --> 00:02:39,033 par la "Have You Met Team" pour www.forom.com 62 00:02:42,157 --> 00:02:43,976 We shouldn't be celebrating. 63 00:02:44,096 --> 00:02:46,546 Ted's just been through a bad breakup. 64 00:02:46,984 --> 00:02:49,525 Buddy, tell us everything. Tell us what happened. 65 00:02:49,645 --> 00:02:51,537 Seriously, spare no details. 66 00:02:51,794 --> 00:02:54,094 What did she say? What did you say? 67 00:02:54,486 --> 00:02:55,786 How did it feel? 68 00:02:56,096 --> 00:02:57,631 If you were to do it again, 69 00:02:57,751 --> 00:02:58,681 all over, 70 00:02:58,801 --> 00:03:00,137 would you maybe... 71 00:03:01,857 --> 00:03:03,257 How did it happen? 72 00:03:03,704 --> 00:03:05,554 It was the stupidest thing. 73 00:03:05,766 --> 00:03:08,562 We were just hanging out, you know, being funny... 74 00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:11,668 You're the fan of 2002 Chiantis. 75 00:03:12,343 --> 00:03:15,092 No, you're the fan of 2002 Chiantis. 76 00:03:15,844 --> 00:03:17,344 Wait! What is this? 77 00:03:18,795 --> 00:03:20,786 Looks like one of Robin's earrings. 78 00:03:20,886 --> 00:03:21,840 That's weird. 79 00:03:21,940 --> 00:03:24,119 - You're... - How did it get in your bed? 80 00:03:24,506 --> 00:03:25,656 I don't know. 81 00:03:26,029 --> 00:03:27,665 Have you been sleeping with Robin? 82 00:03:27,785 --> 00:03:29,496 What? No, of course not! 83 00:03:29,616 --> 00:03:31,814 It probably got mixed in with the laundry or something. 84 00:03:31,934 --> 00:03:33,684 Why should I believe you? 85 00:03:33,949 --> 00:03:36,293 Maybe because I've always been faithful to you 86 00:03:36,413 --> 00:03:39,468 while you've cheated on me, like, six times, bitch. 87 00:03:39,966 --> 00:03:42,389 - Cool-blooded! - Right, right. 88 00:03:43,413 --> 00:03:45,099 I totally should have said that. 89 00:03:45,610 --> 00:03:47,359 Why should I believe you? 90 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:51,480 Maybe because I've always been faithful to you while you... 91 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:54,490 I love you. 92 00:03:55,973 --> 00:03:57,773 I knew this was a mistake. 93 00:03:57,980 --> 00:03:58,980 That's it. 94 00:03:59,228 --> 00:04:00,228 It's over. 95 00:04:01,604 --> 00:04:02,904 And that was it. 96 00:04:03,247 --> 00:04:04,201 She left. 97 00:04:04,668 --> 00:04:07,842 What a story. So brave of you to share that. 98 00:04:08,627 --> 00:04:10,993 Wait. Those are your pajamas? 99 00:04:11,316 --> 00:04:13,141 You sleep in a pyjama suit? 100 00:04:13,261 --> 00:04:15,629 Of course! Why do you think I sleep in? 101 00:04:15,749 --> 00:04:16,699 A coffin. 102 00:04:17,496 --> 00:04:19,925 That doesn't look comfortable at all. 103 00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:22,355 - You're wearing a tie. - First of all, 104 00:04:22,589 --> 00:04:24,179 it's a sleeping cravate. 105 00:04:24,687 --> 00:04:26,599 Second, it's not about confort. 106 00:04:26,948 --> 00:04:29,143 It's about looking good all the time. 107 00:04:29,427 --> 00:04:31,478 Why do you have to look good all the time? 108 00:04:31,578 --> 00:04:33,317 Marshall, let me tell you a little story 109 00:04:33,417 --> 00:04:35,426 about something that happened a couple months back. 110 00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:46,936 We were just having a "who's hornier" contest 111 00:04:47,056 --> 00:04:49,876 and we spilled massage oil all over ourselves. 112 00:04:49,996 --> 00:04:52,417 - Nice pyjamas. - Can we use your shower? 113 00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:57,963 That's not a memory. That's from a porn movie. 114 00:04:58,180 --> 00:05:01,242 Not just any movie. That's the exact scene from... 115 00:05:02,154 --> 00:05:03,204 Never mind. 116 00:05:03,732 --> 00:05:06,048 The point is, it could happen. 117 00:05:06,244 --> 00:05:10,090 And if it did, and I didn't look my absolute best for those greasy sluts, 118 00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:11,810 I'd regret it forever. 119 00:05:12,919 --> 00:05:15,163 I'm sorry, dude, but that is just the most ridiculous 120 00:05:15,283 --> 00:05:18,433 sleeping attire I've ever seen in my life. Anyway... 121 00:05:19,646 --> 00:05:21,482 Marshall's wearing a nightgown! 122 00:05:21,602 --> 00:05:23,078 Marshall's wearing a nightgown! 123 00:05:23,178 --> 00:05:25,061 You know how in the future we're always saying 124 00:05:25,161 --> 00:05:27,454 "Remember when Marshall wore a nightgown"? This is that time! 125 00:05:27,574 --> 00:05:28,607 It's a nightshirt. 126 00:05:28,727 --> 00:05:31,703 You can call it a Ninja Star Danger Jock if you want. 127 00:05:31,823 --> 00:05:33,641 Doesn't make you any less of a cross-dresser. 128 00:05:33,761 --> 00:05:35,611 Whatever, dude. It's comfy. 129 00:05:36,068 --> 00:05:38,987 So, flying to Neverland with Peter and Tink, was that amazing? 130 00:05:39,107 --> 00:05:40,152 Let me go next! 131 00:05:40,272 --> 00:05:43,050 Was it nice to finally get out of that crowded bed and take 132 00:05:43,170 --> 00:05:45,320 Charlie to the chocolate factory? 133 00:05:46,476 --> 00:05:48,176 Something about Scrooge! 134 00:05:49,671 --> 00:05:52,071 Come on, guys. I'm carrying the team. 135 00:05:52,203 --> 00:05:54,675 I don't know. I lived with Marshall for 12 years. 136 00:05:54,873 --> 00:05:58,073 Any time he's wearing clothes at all, it's a victory. 137 00:06:00,811 --> 00:06:03,461 - Show's about to start! - Be right there! 138 00:06:17,219 --> 00:06:19,569 Good morning, New York. I'm Robin... 139 00:06:21,677 --> 00:06:24,574 Marshall, I just found Robin's earring on your dresser. 140 00:06:24,674 --> 00:06:27,037 Did you have something to do with the other one being in my bed? 141 00:06:27,137 --> 00:06:29,430 - What are you talking about? - You've always hated Karen. 142 00:06:29,530 --> 00:06:31,338 You've been telling me to break up with her. 143 00:06:31,438 --> 00:06:33,237 You did it. You... put the earring 144 00:06:33,357 --> 00:06:35,391 in my bed so that Karen would find it. 145 00:06:35,491 --> 00:06:36,891 - I would never... - Admit it! 146 00:06:36,991 --> 00:06:39,305 - There's nothing to admit! - Then why was Robin's earring 147 00:06:39,405 --> 00:06:41,483 - on your dresser? - He was accessorizing! 148 00:06:42,244 --> 00:06:45,382 I swear to God, if you don't tell me the truth right now... 149 00:06:45,850 --> 00:06:47,323 Marshall didn't do it. 150 00:06:48,961 --> 00:06:49,761 I did. 151 00:06:50,545 --> 00:06:52,295 I broke you and Karen up. 152 00:06:58,417 --> 00:07:01,587 You broke me and Karen up? Are you insane? 153 00:07:01,891 --> 00:07:05,353 - What gives you the right to do that? - I did it for your own good. 154 00:07:05,473 --> 00:07:08,427 You just weren't seeing how awful she was. 155 00:07:08,695 --> 00:07:10,846 She failed the Front Porch Test. 156 00:07:11,471 --> 00:07:13,371 What's the Front Porch Test? 157 00:07:13,715 --> 00:07:16,944 You, me, and Marshall have been best friends since college. 158 00:07:17,064 --> 00:07:19,938 Think about how much we all mean to each other. 159 00:07:20,196 --> 00:07:23,233 So when I picture the future, I picture us all together. 160 00:07:23,850 --> 00:07:25,435 How we'll all be retired, 161 00:07:25,535 --> 00:07:28,098 sipping tea on the front porch of our beach house, 162 00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:29,894 playing bridge all day. 163 00:07:30,944 --> 00:07:32,469 Bridges are wild. 164 00:07:32,589 --> 00:07:35,217 Four of a bridge beats a royal bridge. 165 00:07:35,337 --> 00:07:36,851 I see your bridge 166 00:07:37,061 --> 00:07:39,857 - and I raise you three bridges. - Bridge! 167 00:07:40,049 --> 00:07:40,876 I win! 168 00:07:41,579 --> 00:07:43,539 You have no idea how to play bridge, do you? 169 00:07:43,659 --> 00:07:47,091 - We're gonna take a class. - It's important to stay active. 170 00:07:47,483 --> 00:07:50,051 So whenever you've been dating somebody for a while, 171 00:07:50,171 --> 00:07:52,266 I do the Front Porch Test. 172 00:07:52,386 --> 00:07:56,262 You know, how is this person gonna fit in with our group over the years? 173 00:07:56,382 --> 00:07:58,393 And when I think about Karen there... 174 00:07:59,111 --> 00:08:00,529 Bridge! I win. 175 00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:03,525 Fantastic. Another game of bridge. 176 00:08:03,645 --> 00:08:05,484 Don't read a book or anything. 177 00:08:05,847 --> 00:08:06,897 Look, dear. 178 00:08:07,693 --> 00:08:08,642 Dolphins. 179 00:08:08,994 --> 00:08:10,248 They seem happy. 180 00:08:10,368 --> 00:08:12,816 I guess the chemical runoff from this elitist beachfront 181 00:08:12,916 --> 00:08:15,460 property hasn't rotted out their blowholes yet. 182 00:08:15,580 --> 00:08:18,135 It will. That water will kill you. 183 00:08:18,255 --> 00:08:20,116 It is a toxic deathtrap. 184 00:08:20,773 --> 00:08:23,669 - I'm gonna take a dip. - I'll join you. 185 00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:27,173 Karen failed the Front Porch Test. She had to go. 186 00:08:27,293 --> 00:08:29,243 I can't believe you did that. 187 00:08:30,381 --> 00:08:32,912 Think about all awesome you, me, and Marshall are. 188 00:08:33,032 --> 00:08:34,882 Seriously, think about it. 189 00:08:39,264 --> 00:08:41,682 - We're pretty awesome. - We're totally awesome. 190 00:08:41,802 --> 00:08:45,631 So whoever you marry, whoever joins Team Awesome, 191 00:08:46,346 --> 00:08:48,760 the bar is set pretty damn high. 192 00:08:49,170 --> 00:08:51,989 Look, I'm not saying what I did was right, but... 193 00:08:52,109 --> 00:08:53,574 You're better off without her. 194 00:08:53,694 --> 00:08:56,076 And if Clarence the angel says it's true, it must be true. 195 00:08:56,196 --> 00:08:58,279 You know what? Fine, make your little jokes. 196 00:08:58,379 --> 00:09:00,381 Seriously, why would you wear something like that? 197 00:09:00,481 --> 00:09:03,133 - Lots of reasons. - I bet you can't name five. 198 00:09:03,253 --> 00:09:05,135 One, no need to wear anything underneath. 199 00:09:05,235 --> 00:09:07,505 I can vouch for that. Will you cross your legs, buddy? 200 00:09:07,605 --> 00:09:08,298 Two, 201 00:09:08,418 --> 00:09:09,218 sexy. 202 00:09:09,380 --> 00:09:12,426 I can vouch for that. Will you uncross your legs, buddy? 203 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:16,766 Three, my Grandpa Olaf wore one and he lived to be 107. 204 00:09:17,038 --> 00:09:20,680 Four, no elastic waistband leaving its judgmental pink teeth marks 205 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,242 around my Thanksgiving belly. And five, 206 00:09:23,632 --> 00:09:24,625 every night, 207 00:09:24,725 --> 00:09:27,204 when I go to sleep, it's the freest, 208 00:09:27,664 --> 00:09:30,652 most wonderful feeling in the world. I feel... 209 00:09:31,425 --> 00:09:32,725 like I'm flying. 210 00:09:38,517 --> 00:09:40,358 So that's how I go to bed every night, 211 00:09:40,879 --> 00:09:41,686 happy. 212 00:09:41,893 --> 00:09:44,161 Weightless. With a heart full of joy. 213 00:09:44,369 --> 00:09:45,557 What about you? 214 00:09:46,589 --> 00:09:50,470 I have to lie perfectly still so I don't wrinkle my suit-jamas. 215 00:09:51,418 --> 00:09:53,680 But at least I'm not wearing a dress. 216 00:09:56,191 --> 00:09:57,703 How mad are you? 217 00:09:58,051 --> 00:09:59,611 I don't know. I mean... 218 00:09:59,731 --> 00:10:02,713 I guess if you guys feel that strongly about Karen, then 219 00:10:02,911 --> 00:10:04,363 maybe it was for the best. 220 00:10:04,483 --> 00:10:06,025 I really am sorry. 221 00:10:06,145 --> 00:10:09,024 I hated doing that again, but Karen had to go. 222 00:10:10,637 --> 00:10:11,450 Again? 223 00:10:12,533 --> 00:10:15,325 Wait. How many times have you broken me up with a girlfriend? 224 00:10:15,445 --> 00:10:16,549 Never! Six. 225 00:10:17,118 --> 00:10:19,118 - Like who? - No one! Angie. 226 00:10:20,669 --> 00:10:21,919 Sophomore year. 227 00:10:22,616 --> 00:10:25,358 She was just using you to get back at her ex, 228 00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:27,459 and you clearly didn't see it, so... 229 00:10:28,321 --> 00:10:30,782 one day when she was taking a nap... 230 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:46,600 Creed? 231 00:10:48,511 --> 00:10:51,061 Oh, my God, I have to break up with her. 232 00:10:52,214 --> 00:10:54,367 So that's where my Creed CD went. 233 00:10:55,166 --> 00:10:56,232 Who else? 234 00:10:56,534 --> 00:10:58,632 Remember that weird sci-fi girl 235 00:10:58,752 --> 00:11:01,669 who wanted you to propose after, like, two months? 236 00:11:01,789 --> 00:11:05,330 You barely even liked her, but you were still thinking about it, so... 237 00:11:08,364 --> 00:11:12,153 Listen, Ted, you're great, and this is so difficult, 238 00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:15,382 but I think we're looking for different things. 239 00:11:16,461 --> 00:11:19,207 Live long and prosper. Or whatever. 240 00:11:25,303 --> 00:11:26,351 That was you? 241 00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:30,318 - This is insane! - Ted, I did those things to help you. 242 00:11:30,438 --> 00:11:32,317 You're a commitment junkie. 243 00:11:32,437 --> 00:11:35,736 You fall in love with these women, even if they don't deserve you. 244 00:11:35,836 --> 00:11:38,431 What if one of those women was supposed to be the mother of my children? 245 00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:42,268 If there was ever the tiniest chance of that, I swear I didn't do anything. 246 00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:45,537 - Like with Victoria, or Stella... - or Robin. 247 00:11:47,814 --> 00:11:48,898 Or Robin? 248 00:11:51,586 --> 00:11:53,336 Did you break us up, too? 249 00:11:54,313 --> 00:11:56,256 Did you brake us up, too? 250 00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:58,924 Stop talking to me like I'm your enemy! 251 00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:02,140 You weep for these women, but you have the luxury 252 00:12:02,260 --> 00:12:04,132 of not knowing what I know. 253 00:12:04,252 --> 00:12:06,071 That those breakups, while tragic, 254 00:12:06,191 --> 00:12:10,527 probably saved you from a crappy and very expensive first marriage. 255 00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:12,189 Did you brake me and Robin up? 256 00:12:12,309 --> 00:12:13,599 You don't want the truth. 257 00:12:13,719 --> 00:12:16,857 Because deep down, you want me out there watching out for you. 258 00:12:16,977 --> 00:12:18,442 And deep down, you know 259 00:12:18,562 --> 00:12:20,590 that none of those women were ever gonna be 260 00:12:20,690 --> 00:12:23,085 - the mother of your children. - Did you brake me and Robin up? 261 00:12:23,185 --> 00:12:24,382 I do what I had to do. 262 00:12:24,502 --> 00:12:27,579 - Did you brake me and Robin up? - You're damn right I did! 263 00:12:33,384 --> 00:12:36,004 Your grandpa Olaf was a wise man. 264 00:12:40,942 --> 00:12:42,634 You broke me and Robin up? 265 00:12:42,754 --> 00:12:44,464 - It's not... - I cannot believe this. 266 00:12:44,584 --> 00:12:46,054 I need another drink. 267 00:12:46,539 --> 00:12:48,735 You know, I feel a little breeze down there. It's nice. 268 00:12:49,005 --> 00:12:50,337 You think that's something? 269 00:12:50,457 --> 00:12:52,332 Stand over this heating vent. 270 00:12:52,452 --> 00:12:54,952 Like your junk is on a tropical island. 271 00:12:56,807 --> 00:12:58,735 Little Barney says "Mahalo." 272 00:12:59,567 --> 00:13:02,948 Seriously, what is wrong with you? How could you do that? 273 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:05,109 I did it because I care about you! 274 00:13:05,229 --> 00:13:08,197 I am so glad that is the one you watched! 275 00:13:08,709 --> 00:13:10,758 Dear God, what happened to you? 276 00:13:13,251 --> 00:13:15,001 You didn't watch my show? 277 00:13:15,290 --> 00:13:16,590 The show? Sorry. 278 00:13:17,306 --> 00:13:19,056 Something special happen? 279 00:13:21,035 --> 00:13:22,485 Same old, same old. 280 00:13:23,033 --> 00:13:25,571 Lily just told us that she broke you and me up. 281 00:13:25,691 --> 00:13:27,391 What? Broke... broke us up? 282 00:13:27,781 --> 00:13:30,767 What does that even mean? Why are these guys wearing nightgowns? 283 00:13:30,916 --> 00:13:33,052 - It's a nightshirt. - It's called a nightshirt. 284 00:13:33,152 --> 00:13:35,174 Turns out Lily has taken it upon herself 285 00:13:35,274 --> 00:13:38,242 to sabotage many of my relationships, including ours. 286 00:13:38,362 --> 00:13:41,938 Robin was different. I didn't want you two to break up, but 287 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:43,901 wanted completely different things 288 00:13:44,021 --> 00:13:46,493 out of life and refused to deal with it. 289 00:13:46,613 --> 00:13:48,660 I could just picture that front porch. 290 00:13:49,862 --> 00:13:50,912 Two of hearts. 291 00:13:51,012 --> 00:13:53,492 Just like the hearts of the two children I never had 292 00:13:53,592 --> 00:13:55,792 because my lovely wife hates kids. 293 00:13:57,914 --> 00:13:58,836 A deuce. 294 00:13:59,021 --> 00:14:00,911 Exactly what my career dropped 295 00:14:01,031 --> 00:14:03,925 once I decided to settle down and marry Ted. 296 00:14:04,670 --> 00:14:05,478 Bridge! 297 00:14:05,598 --> 00:14:06,470 I win. 298 00:14:08,129 --> 00:14:10,898 I do not like that scenario one bit. 299 00:14:11,344 --> 00:14:14,853 All I tried to do was get you guys to talk about your issues. 300 00:14:15,448 --> 00:14:19,162 I didn't know I was feeding you the words that would lead to your breakup. 301 00:14:19,780 --> 00:14:22,360 Here's a fun question, just for fun. 302 00:14:22,941 --> 00:14:25,491 Where do you see yourself in five years? 303 00:14:25,803 --> 00:14:28,623 You know what's fun? Fun questions. 304 00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:31,460 Where do you see yourself in five years? 305 00:14:31,883 --> 00:14:33,716 Where do you see yourself in five years? 306 00:14:33,870 --> 00:14:35,358 Where do you see yourself? 307 00:14:35,478 --> 00:14:37,667 Not to put words in your mouth, but 308 00:14:38,123 --> 00:14:39,899 you probably want to be married. 309 00:14:40,019 --> 00:14:41,713 I probably want to be married. 310 00:14:41,833 --> 00:14:44,883 You probably want to be in Tokyo or Paris. 311 00:14:45,369 --> 00:14:48,067 I probably want to be in Argentina. 312 00:14:48,465 --> 00:14:51,278 - Argentina? - Or Tokyo, or Paris. 313 00:14:52,550 --> 00:14:54,434 We have an expiration date, don't we? 314 00:14:56,781 --> 00:14:59,558 You can't manipulate people like that! 315 00:14:59,658 --> 00:15:01,696 I've known you 12 years and I got honestly say 316 00:15:01,796 --> 00:15:03,812 I have never been more furious at you! 317 00:15:03,912 --> 00:15:07,438 - I didn't mean to... I was just... - I don't even want to hear it! 318 00:15:07,558 --> 00:15:09,433 Settle down! Let's just settle down! 319 00:15:09,553 --> 00:15:11,589 Now, I have one question. 320 00:15:11,689 --> 00:15:13,470 What do these bad boys feel like in bed? 321 00:15:13,570 --> 00:15:15,375 Come on. Let's go see. 322 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:19,084 So, if it weren't for you, Ted and I might still be dating? 323 00:15:19,617 --> 00:15:22,992 Or you would have stayed together far too long, had 324 00:15:23,112 --> 00:15:26,888 an incredibly bitter breakup and not even remained friends, and 325 00:15:27,008 --> 00:15:29,678 then you and I would never have become best friends. 326 00:15:29,798 --> 00:15:31,555 Don't even say that. 327 00:15:32,946 --> 00:15:34,096 Stop hugging! 328 00:15:35,529 --> 00:15:38,541 You had no right to interfere in my relationships. 329 00:15:38,661 --> 00:15:39,875 You got lucky. 330 00:15:39,975 --> 00:15:42,691 You met the love of your life in a dorm hallway when you were 18. 331 00:15:43,020 --> 00:15:44,919 But that doesn't give you the right to play God 332 00:15:45,019 --> 00:15:48,196 to the rest of us mortals down here who are still looking for someone. 333 00:15:48,296 --> 00:15:49,594 You're so concerned about 334 00:15:49,694 --> 00:15:52,101 who you and Marshall are gonna end up on that front porch with. 335 00:15:52,221 --> 00:15:55,089 You know what? You can have it to yourselves. 336 00:16:00,848 --> 00:16:02,498 What happened to your jacket? 337 00:16:02,815 --> 00:16:04,853 Soot, bread crumbs, placenta. 338 00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:07,632 Did you at least TiVo it? 339 00:16:10,578 --> 00:16:13,836 You're this comfy every night, and Lily still has sex with you? 340 00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:17,586 That's what marriage is all about, unconditional love. 341 00:16:17,706 --> 00:16:20,756 You can wear whatever you want and still get laid. 342 00:16:21,075 --> 00:16:23,220 Tell me more about being married. 343 00:16:23,737 --> 00:16:24,737 Sometimes, 344 00:16:25,121 --> 00:16:26,393 when you're married, 345 00:16:26,513 --> 00:16:29,321 you wake up to the smell of breakfast already on the table. 346 00:16:29,441 --> 00:16:31,795 - And coffee, too? - And coffee, too. 347 00:16:32,147 --> 00:16:34,854 Sometimes, she'll even put out a vase 348 00:16:35,194 --> 00:16:38,566 - of freshly cut flowers. - I love flowers. 349 00:16:39,975 --> 00:16:41,133 And sometimes, 350 00:16:41,233 --> 00:16:43,609 when you're worried you've made all the wrong decisions in life 351 00:16:43,709 --> 00:16:45,647 and you're not nearly the man you want to be, 352 00:16:45,952 --> 00:16:47,552 what does she do then? 353 00:16:48,493 --> 00:16:50,250 She tells you that you're great 354 00:16:50,370 --> 00:16:52,052 and it's all gonna be okay. 355 00:16:52,348 --> 00:16:53,698 That's wonderful. 356 00:16:55,044 --> 00:16:58,688 And she'll help you find other girls to have sex with? 357 00:17:02,016 --> 00:17:05,845 I guess. Maybe if you agreed upon that beforehand. 358 00:17:08,102 --> 00:17:09,852 Little guy had a big day. 359 00:17:10,668 --> 00:17:13,818 We'll talk about it tomorrow. Sweet dreams, slugger. 360 00:17:29,133 --> 00:17:31,746 The next night, I was still angry at your aunt Lily. 361 00:17:31,969 --> 00:17:32,869 Until... 362 00:17:35,717 --> 00:17:36,967 What are you... 363 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:42,210 Lily came by and explained everything. 364 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,762 And she gave me this note for you. 365 00:17:49,265 --> 00:17:50,611 Ted, I'm sorry. 366 00:17:50,929 --> 00:17:55,159 It doesn't matter to me who you marry. I know they'll be awesome 367 00:17:55,279 --> 00:17:57,012 because they'll think you are. 368 00:17:57,132 --> 00:17:59,737 To show I mean it, I put together a little surprise 369 00:17:59,857 --> 00:18:01,496 for you and Karen upstairs. 370 00:18:01,817 --> 00:18:02,836 Love, Lily. 371 00:18:03,076 --> 00:18:05,865 P.S. Sorry the envelope was already open. 372 00:18:05,985 --> 00:18:07,635 I had to read what she wrote. 373 00:18:07,755 --> 00:18:08,557 Marshall. 374 00:18:09,811 --> 00:18:11,382 Sabotaging our relationship? 375 00:18:11,502 --> 00:18:15,236 I got to say, even using the specially-ordered extra-low bar by 376 00:18:15,356 --> 00:18:18,855 which I judge your friends, Lily really outdid herself this time. 377 00:18:18,975 --> 00:18:21,445 Obviously, we can't ever see her again. 378 00:18:21,565 --> 00:18:23,810 I know. It's a big loss, right? 379 00:18:28,385 --> 00:18:30,635 Remember your old college roommate? 380 00:18:31,347 --> 00:18:34,696 He was married to that shrill little idiot girl. 381 00:18:37,828 --> 00:18:40,744 - It's been so long. - God, I hated him. 382 00:18:41,566 --> 00:18:43,466 Anyway, here's his obituary. 383 00:18:45,551 --> 00:18:47,437 And I realized, maybe it shouldn't matter what 384 00:18:47,557 --> 00:18:49,169 my friends think of my girlfriend, 385 00:18:49,860 --> 00:18:53,810 But it sure as hell matters what my girlfriend thinks of my friends. 386 00:18:54,735 --> 00:18:56,035 So you ended it? 387 00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:00,450 So if you want to be my plus one, 388 00:19:00,570 --> 00:19:02,270 Lily's a damn good cook. 389 00:19:03,567 --> 00:19:07,933 Beef pot pie, mac and cheese, homemade buttermilk biscuits. 390 00:19:08,419 --> 00:19:10,419 No wonder Marshall dies at 68. 391 00:19:14,152 --> 00:19:16,526 So, Robin and I enjoyed a gourmet dinner. 392 00:19:16,791 --> 00:19:18,572 Well, for her it was breakfast. 393 00:19:18,692 --> 00:19:22,273 And we ended up doing exactly what Lily wanted us to do all along, 394 00:19:22,393 --> 00:19:24,457 we talked about our relationship. 395 00:19:25,899 --> 00:19:28,374 So, Lily broke us up, sort of. 396 00:19:30,883 --> 00:19:32,633 Kind of makes you wonder. 397 00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:37,926 If it weren't for her, would we still be dating right now? 398 00:19:38,648 --> 00:19:39,448 Maybe. 399 00:19:41,447 --> 00:19:42,858 But Lily was right. 400 00:19:43,290 --> 00:19:44,640 We weren't ready. 401 00:19:44,802 --> 00:19:47,251 We both need to move on, do our own thing. 402 00:19:48,162 --> 00:19:49,722 Still do, I guess. 403 00:19:52,584 --> 00:19:54,184 We should make a pact. 404 00:19:54,605 --> 00:19:58,947 If the years go by, and we both turn 40, and we're still single... 405 00:20:08,345 --> 00:20:10,083 Will you be my backup wife? 406 00:20:11,453 --> 00:20:14,493 A girl always dreams of hearing those words. 407 00:20:15,084 --> 00:20:16,631 A million times, yes! 408 00:20:24,538 --> 00:20:26,188 All right, It's a deal. 409 00:20:28,024 --> 00:20:30,046 So, should we set up some ground rules for this? 410 00:20:30,166 --> 00:20:31,500 - Like what? - I don't know. 411 00:20:31,620 --> 00:20:33,900 Like neither one of us can get super fat. Stuff like that. 412 00:20:34,020 --> 00:20:36,274 I only have one, you can't wear a nightshirt. 413 00:20:36,394 --> 00:20:39,279 - I will never wear a nightshirt. - Thank God. 414 00:20:56,703 --> 00:20:57,761 Never mind.