1 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:46,636 Kate, I said I'm sorry. 2 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:48,876 Well, there's not a lot we can do about it now, is there? 3 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:53,153 Well, there is. I could apologise for shouting at you, which I have, 4 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:57,239 and you could forgive me and we could try and enjoy this holiday. 5 00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:01,158 I don't think being sarcastic is really going to help, do you? 6 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:02,554 No. 7 00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:08,591 MAN: I can't breathe. 8 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:11,553 - Janice, I said I can't breathe. - Okay. 9 00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:15,872 Okay? What do you mean, okay? Are you taking the piss? 10 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:17,911 I said I can't breathe. I could be dying. 11 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:20,714 - Well, you're not, are you? - How do you know? 12 00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:22,353 (HACKING COUGH) 13 00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:24,517 Christ's sake. Have you heard me mother next door? 14 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:27,632 - She probably is dying. - Aye, fingers crossed. 15 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:33,951 Oh, I am sweating cobs, I'm telling you. I can't breathe, I'm so hot. 16 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:36,913 For fuck's sake! Will you either get up or shut up? 17 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:40,317 My head's banging like a shithouse door in a gale. 18 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:44,035 Nobody forced you to drink a bottle of Baileys on the plane. 19 00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:46,117 (TOILET FLUSHING) 20 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:50,831 - No, it's too hot. - Right, that's it! Get out! Out! 21 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,474 All right, all right. Calm down. 22 00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:58,872 - Do you want owt from shops? - Sun cream, we didn't get any. 23 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,832 Yeah, all right. 24 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,429 Mam, do you want owt from the shops? 25 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,997 (HACKING COUGH) 26 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:11,433 Are you all right, Madge? 27 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:16,317 I need to buy some sun cream. It's for the kids. 28 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:19,916 KID: Mam, I'm hungry. 29 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,270 Do you want owt from shops? 30 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:25,679 Mam, have you seen me flip-flops? 31 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:27,711 I think she's swallowed them. 32 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:29,114 - Telle, get up! - I'm up! 33 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:48,077 - Oh, my God, just look at the people! - Chill out, Gavin. 34 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:49,838 Don't tell me to chill out. 35 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:52,190 I told you we should have gone for named apartments. 36 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:55,597 You don't get £200 each all-incluslve with named apartments. 37 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:57,279 Come on, let's have some breakfast. 38 00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,040 That's if there's any left after these fat pigs have been at the trough. 39 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:02,356 Ooh, hark at the Slimcea girl. 40 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:08,440 - Morning. - Morning. 41 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:11,552 Donald Stewart. This is the wife, Jacquellne. 42 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:14,240 Do you mind if we join you? The Germans will be down in a minute, 43 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:17,830 and the females can be a bit whiffy this time of a morning. 44 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:20,429 I've nothing against overweight women per Se, 45 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:23,074 but not when they smell of sausage. 46 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:27,271 - I'm Martin, this is Kate. - Good to know you. 47 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:30,633 - Are you poolside? - Poolside? 48 00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:33,354 Does your apartment overlook the pool? 49 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:36,871 No, apparently we're overlooking the wheelie bins and our room's not ready. 50 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,958 Oh, God, 1 to 26. 51 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:43,038 Check your toilet when you get in, they don't flush. 52 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:45,629 - When were we there? - 96. 53 00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:49,993 We got here at 3:00 in the morning and Donald went to spend a penny 54 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:54,159 and there was a shite looking up at him the size of a tuna baguette. 55 00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:56,430 Terrible. would not flush. 56 00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:58,437 We had to sleep with the balcony door open. 57 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:00,597 We got to the Wednesday 58 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:05,476 and Donald had to tackle it himself with a pointed stick. 59 00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:09,230 Did you try the black pudding? It's very good. 60 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:18,238 Capital of Chile? 61 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:20,033 Santiago. 62 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:23,630 Capital of Ethiopia? 63 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:25,952 Addis Ababa. 64 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:30,153 The capital of... Oh, can we have a break, son? 65 00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:33,680 What's wrong with you? This is educational. 66 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,997 I know. It's just that me eyes are hurting. 67 00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:39,513 Aye. All right. 68 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:42,910 Here we are, what about presidents? 69 00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:45,634 Do you want to test me on presidents? 70 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:47,433 (SNORING) 71 00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:48,755 Unbelievable! 72 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,237 (WHALE SOUNDS) 73 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:56,153 Right. Are we all ready? 74 00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:59,318 Did you know Vanessa Feltz is going out with a black man? 75 00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:02,114 Come on, Telle, are you gonna take your coat off? We're in Spain, love. 76 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:04,629 - Where's me dad gone? - Big black fella. 77 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:06,637 I always thought she was Jewish. 78 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:10,549 Come on, love, it's boiling outside. You'll feel sick in that. 79 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:12,637 Michael, get a move on. We're going outside. 80 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,637 Just shows, you can never tell, can you? 81 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:17,229 - Are you ready? - I've been ready since seven. 82 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:20,671 Michael, what are you doing? Christ almighty! 83 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:22,632 Give me that! Get in there. 84 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:25,434 Mam, what have I told you about leaving your lighters lying around? 85 00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:26,880 Oh, that's right, blame me. 86 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:29,389 I'll be dead soon, you can blame me for that as well. 87 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:32,558 We'll all be dead if he doesn't stop frigging around with your lighters. 88 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,149 I'm not the only one round here that smokes. 89 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:38,591 - Fuck off, you smelly witch. - Hey, that's enough from you, lady. 90 00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:40,074 Your nana doesn't smell. 91 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,635 Well, I'm off. I'm not sitting here listening to that filth. 92 00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:44,433 I'm gonna get some sun. 93 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:53,636 Is that what you're going to be doing this holiday? Reading? 94 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:56,115 Well, some of it. 95 00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:58,880 Some of what? Some of the book or some of the holiday? 96 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,879 Some of the book, some of the holiday, I should imagine. 97 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,718 Don't be smart, Martin. 98 00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:05,274 No. No. No. No! 99 00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:07,038 Martin, Katie! 100 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:11,277 - What are you doing over there? - Hi. 101 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:14,392 For God's sake, man, you'll be in the shade come one o'clock. 102 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:16,670 Over here. Over here. 103 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:22,351 What are you doing? 104 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:24,391 They seem nice. 105 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:36,315 - Frig me, it's boiling. - Lovely that, bit of sun. 106 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:39,193 - Mam, I'm hungry. - We're gonna get something to eat now. 107 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,834 - It's too hot. - Don't you start. 108 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:43,678 (KID SHOUTING) 109 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:47,919 Take that coat off. 110 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,475 - Nobody here cares how fat you are. - Mother! 111 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:53,479 - Where's Mick? He's been gone ages. - He'll be all right. 112 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:56,831 I don't give a frig if he's all right or not, I've only got 10 cigs left. 113 00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:59,315 - I'm off in the pool. - Michael be careful. 114 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:01,590 - Are you gonna take that coat off? - Piss off! 115 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:03,074 Hey, I've warned you! 116 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:05,271 You know what'd happen if I spoke to my grandmother like that? 117 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:06,993 Nothing, she's dead. 118 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:08,793 Mam, help! 119 00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:11,589 Mam! 120 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:14,075 Oh, my God!! Mlchael! Jesus Christ! 121 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:15,270 Mam! 122 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:18,233 Oh, mam, mam, mam 123 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:20,033 Mam! 124 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:22,117 Here, bring him here. 125 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:27,880 What do you think you're doing? I told you to be careful 126 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,037 He'll have ruined that football top I bought him. 127 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,117 - Are you all right? - It's rubbish here. 128 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:35,995 Of course he's all right. He's just playing slily beggars. 129 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:44,596 Ooh, you're a big, fat lad, aren't you? 130 00:07:58,120 --> 00:07:59,918 Ooh, sorry! 131 00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:03,472 You're all right. Great minds think alike. 132 00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:06,518 Not bad for three euro. 133 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:08,950 Oh, aye, love. It's all cheap as chips out here. 134 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:12,152 - The name's Mick, by the way. - Is it now? 135 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:15,079 Hey, do you think I'd get away with these, hmm? 136 00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:21,354 - I think you should wear the gold ones. - Oh, and why is that? 137 00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:24,590 They'd match your wedding ring. 138 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:30,553 I mean, you won't find 139 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:33,638 a more broad-minded couple here, will they, Jacqueline? 140 00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:34,875 Oh, no. 141 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:38,436 A friend of mine, Jim Turner, army lad, six foot three, 142 00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:42,235 known him 35 years, last year he turns round to me and he says, 143 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:44,749 "Donald, I want to be a woman." 144 00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:46,712 I said, "You go for it, son. 145 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:49,514 "I don't know where you'll get shoes to fit you, but you go for it." 146 00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:53,156 You only live once. Grasp the nettle with both hands. 147 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:55,237 You know what I'm saying? 148 00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:56,839 Absolutely. 149 00:08:56,960 --> 00:09:01,033 Television heart-throb, five and eight. 150 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,434 Bruce Forsyth. 151 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:16,152 Oi, oi! Fill your boots. 152 00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:17,600 Where have you been? 153 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:21,270 The hunter has returned with food for his hungry family. 154 00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:22,515 Get off! 155 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:26,110 You wanna see it out there, it's mental. It's like Blackpool with sun. 156 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:29,232 Oh, he's been up to no good. I know that look on a man's face. 157 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,351 I had it for 30 years with your father. 158 00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:33,835 Oh, dear, did the washing-up liquid on your wheels not work? 159 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,315 I thought you'd be trapped under your chair in the deep end by now. 160 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:39,000 Here, do you want 'em, Madge? Do you want 'em? 161 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,519 Fetch! 162 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:45,274 I've been nowhere near that pool, but your son has. 163 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:48,199 Fell in and nearly drowned, and where were you? 164 00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:52,393 It were brilliant, Dad! You should have seen me, I nearly died! 165 00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:53,919 She pushed him in. 166 00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:56,998 You wanna be careful how many of those hot dogs you eat or that coat won't fit you. 167 00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:59,634 Right, that's enough. So where have you been? 168 00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:01,592 You know where I've been. I've been to the shops. 169 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:05,953 What, and that took an hour and a half? Where is this shop, Fleetwood? 170 00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:09,516 - This sun cream's half empty. - Yeah, well, it were half price. 171 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:12,917 - And where did you get them flip-flops? - I hope you didn't use my money for 'em. 172 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:16,396 No, I didn't. I just found them outside. 173 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,158 I want to go outside. 174 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:21,159 - Is it really like Blackpool, Dad? - You're going nowhere, son. 175 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:22,873 - You're staying in here. - Why? 176 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:24,752 Because out there you've got to pay for stuff. 177 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:27,076 Whereas in here, it's all free! 178 00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:30,551 (ALL LAUGHING) 179 00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:35,113 So then what happens is they cut down the length of the penis, 180 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:37,709 take out all the gubblns, the bits in the middle, 181 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:42,073 and poke that flappy shaft back up, making an artificial vagina. 182 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:06,997 (WHALE SOUNDS) 183 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:10,117 WOMAN: Mateo. 184 00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:14,791 Oi, room 26. They're over there with their suitcases. 185 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:31,513 Today! 186 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:36,759 Afternoon. 187 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:41,750 Donald Stewart, and that's my wife over there, Jacqueline. 188 00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:43,996 No reasonable offer refused. 189 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:50,271 - I'm The Oracle. - Oh, right. What's that, nickname? 190 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:54,075 Reigning Lancashlre Pub Quiz Champion. Unbeaten since 1993. 191 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:56,760 Oh, right. Smashing. 192 00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:59,554 - You here with the wife? - No. 193 00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:02,115 - Me mum. - Oh, I see. 194 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:03,355 (SNORING) 195 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:05,551 Is she okay? 196 00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:08,399 Yeah. She always looks like that. 197 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:16,958 Gracias, senor. 198 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:18,878 Sorry, no cash. All-inclusive. 199 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:21,116 - I'll give you later? - Okay. 200 00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:30,311 (DRILLING OUTSIDE) 201 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:34,638 Oh, God! 202 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:38,109 We've waited all morning for this? 203 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:41,358 It's fine. We're not going to be spending much time in here anyway. 204 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:43,471 No, we're not. 205 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:45,591 - Kate, are you okay? - Get off me. 206 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,996 I didn't want to come here in the first place. 207 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:51,590 My mother was right. It's time apart we need, not together. 208 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:58,514 I thought I might have a swim. 209 00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:00,278 There's a bar in the pool. 210 00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:03,597 Martin, just because the drinks are included on this so-called holiday, 211 00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:05,313 doesn't mean you have to go mad. 212 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:08,398 Everyone likes a drink, nobody likes a drunk. 213 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:15,518 Well, what if I go for a swim, but don't have the drink? 214 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:17,758 Oh, do what you want. 215 00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:22,470 Okay, well you get some sleep. 216 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,750 Here, lock the door after me. 217 00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:39,315 Martin! 218 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,913 - Have you ever tried home brew? - No. 219 00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:46,715 I've got a couple of demi-johns of barley wine in the conservatory 220 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:49,673 that'll be vying for my attention when I get home. 221 00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:51,916 Yes, a few of the lads round, 222 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:56,273 open a few bottles of home brew, loosen up, you know what I mean? 223 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,516 Me mam doesn't like having a lot of people in the house. 224 00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:01,871 Oh, really? I'm very lucky in that respect. 225 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:05,038 Jacqueline is very accommodating. 226 00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,353 Very accommodating. 227 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,516 Ah, yes, night before we flew out, 228 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:14,076 I had six of the lads round, the crazy gang. 229 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:15,873 All big lads, you know. 230 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,992 The thing is, if you've got a beautiful wife, 231 00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:22,511 to me it would seem churlish to keep her to yourself. 232 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:25,436 Mind you, at the end of the night, 233 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:29,110 her vagina looked like a pair of padded coat hangers. 234 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:34,191 I had to pay for extra leg room for her on the plane. 235 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:39,396 I'd best check on me mam. 236 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:42,399 Yep, make sure she's still breathing. 237 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:50,315 Oi! 238 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:54,031 - What time is it? - Half past six. 239 00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:55,992 Where's the key? 240 00:14:58,160 --> 00:14:59,719 Shit! 241 00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:02,869 No wonder these Spanish have a kip in the afternoon. 242 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,833 - It's called a siesta. - Dad, can I have a siesta? 243 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,679 Course you can son, it's all-inclusive. 244 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:12,639 Nana? 245 00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:16,278 (SNORING) 246 00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:31,111 Come on, Gladys. How long are you going to be? 247 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:32,913 We're missing all the free booze. 248 00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:35,839 I thought we were going into the old town. 249 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:41,039 I'm not wasting these new jeans on a room full of pikey breeders. 250 00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:44,676 All sitting in their Primark clothes singing country and western songs 251 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:48,634 while they force-feed their boss-eyed ginger kids buckets of Turkey Twizzlers. 252 00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:51,274 Oh, come on, you make it sound so much fun. 253 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,152 They do a proper dinner in this bar, don't they? 254 00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:56,477 Yes, they do, and it's all free so get a move on. 255 00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:59,319 Hey, not too many Turkey Twizzlers for you 256 00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:02,558 or you won't get into them jeans by the end of the week. 257 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,792 Come on. 258 00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:07,672 Oh, I think not. 259 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:18,510 Have I got your nose? Eh? Have I stolen your nose? Look. 260 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:20,551 Oh, God, me mam! 261 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,193 Shit! 262 00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:25,159 Nana's dead! 263 00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:26,918 I can't believe you didn't bring her in! 264 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:29,998 Oh, yeah, 'cause you really missed her when you were getting ready, didn't you? 265 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:32,350 What if me nana's dead? 266 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:34,517 Can we still go to the pub? 267 00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:36,759 Mam? 268 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:41,553 Mam, can you hear me? Oh, God. 269 00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:45,397 Mam, I'm really sorry. Mam. 270 00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:48,475 Oh! 271 00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:51,638 What do you think you're doing creeping around in the dark? 272 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:53,671 I nearly shat meself. 273 00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:58,355 What time is it? Where have you been? 274 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:01,074 We haven't been anywhere. we just... 275 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:03,760 we just thought you'd want to get the last of the sun. 276 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:05,791 The last of the sun? 277 00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:07,797 It's pitch black! 278 00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:11,760 Come on, I need a drink. 279 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:17,751 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, 280 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:20,759 and welcome to Neptune's Bar. 281 00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:26,434 You must remember to wear your all-inclusive wristbands at all times, 282 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:30,315 remembering Neptune's motto... If you want to get pissed... 283 00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:33,273 ALL: ...then show 'em your wrist! 284 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:37,474 Also tonight at Neptune's we have karaoke night, 285 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:39,477 and if you want to join in the fun, 286 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:43,719 you will find pen and paper at the front, so don't be shy. 287 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:46,036 Come up and put your name down there. 288 00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:49,676 Also, ladies and gentlemen, we have our lovely... 289 00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:52,674 I'm not sitting next to Benny Hlll. 290 00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:54,997 Did you see them by the pool? 291 00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:57,760 His wife's got a bigger packet than me. 292 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:02,270 What about something vegetarian? 293 00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:05,637 There's veggie lasagne. 294 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:11,911 Or what about a baked potato? You'd be fine with that. 295 00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:15,638 Good scran that, innit? 296 00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:17,353 My liver was black. 297 00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:20,040 You're all right, it'll match your lungs. 298 00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:23,790 Where were you? In my day you had to ask permission to leave the table. 299 00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:25,319 Are you still alive? 300 00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:27,477 That's enough, you two. You're not spoiling tonight. 301 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,672 We've had a lovely tea and now we're gonna get rat-arsed for free. 302 00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:33,110 - Wey-hey! - Hey, what a holiday. 303 00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:35,880 NANA: Hey, let's not forget who's paid for this holiday. 304 00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:38,640 - Not much chance of that. - Thanks, mam. 305 00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:42,515 Right, boys and girls, first cab off the rank tonight for our karaoke is 306 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:44,597 Chantelle singing You Raise Me Up. 307 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:46,438 Come on, Chantelle. 308 00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:48,790 Go on, our Chantelle. Go on, girl! 309 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:51,196 Come on, Chantelle. 310 00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:52,594 Come on! 311 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:55,712 Do you want to take your coat off, darling? It's hot up there, you know. 312 00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:57,877 - No, I'm okay. - All right, sweetheart. 313 00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,594 Chantelle, ladies and gentlemen. 314 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:04,513 What's she gonna do? What's she gonna do? 315 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:13,032 316 00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:17,279 317 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:18,834 - Aah. - Shh. 318 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:21,110 319 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:25,757 320 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:29,358 321 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:34,077 322 00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:38,229 323 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:41,830 I know we're not the perfect family, and I wouldn't want that, 324 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,429 but I am so proud of all of you. 325 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:48,235 And I really think this is going to be a lovely holiday. 326 00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:49,509 Aah. 327 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:52,912 Hiya, Mick. 328 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:58,113 Good job you didn't wear those gold flip-flops, we'd have clashed. 329 00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:02,157 Who the fuck is that? 330 00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:05,672 Do you want a pizza? 331 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,596 Oh, here we are, prawn salad. 332 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,319 If I ask them to do it without mayonnaise? 333 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:19,510 Kate, do you want the prawn salad? 334 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:22,234 No, Martin, I don't want a prawn salad. 335 00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:24,871 Well, what do you want? 336 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:27,871 I want a baby. 337 00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:31,717 We've been through this. 338 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,997 You know I can't give you a baby. 339 00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:39,630 Then I want a divorce. 340 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:42,195 I said, who the fuck is that? 341 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:45,150 - I've no idea! - Well how does she know your name? 342 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:47,669 Who is she, Derren fucking Brown? 343 00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:53,479 344 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:58,310 345 00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:01,910 346 00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:10,674 - It's all right, she's just fainted. - Excuse me, it's me daughter. 347 00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:13,076 Telle, Telle, can you hear me, darling? 348 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:16,158 - Take her coat off, she'll be roasting. - Get off her, you! 349 00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:18,271 Are you all right love? 350 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,232 (GASPS) 351 00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:22,510 Oh, my God, she's pregnant! 352 00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:24,790 Didn’t you know she was pregnant? 353 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:27,514 Mateo, ambulance quick, come on. 354 00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:31,353 - She's only a child. - Let's get her coat off. 355 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,793 It's all right, darling, I'm here now. 356 00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:40,439 Just breathe, Telle. Breathe in and out. 357 00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:42,631 - Ring us, Jan. Ring us. - I've no money. 358 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,478 I suppose I've got to pay for that as well. 359 00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:46,273 Will you leave it, Madge? Please leave it. 360 00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:48,198 It's a fine way to start the holiday. 361 00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:50,470 JANICE: Put your foot down now, Pedro!