1
00:01:01,937 --> 00:01:06,316
<i>The rumors of my promiscuity
have been greatly exaggerated.</i>

2
00:01:06,524 --> 00:01:10,278
<i>I used to be anonymous,
invisible to the opposite sex.</i>

3
00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:12,239
<i>If Google Earth were a guy</i>

4
00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:15,533
<i>he couldn't find me if I was
dressed up as a 10-story building.</i>

5
00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:19,329
<i>Pretty cutting-edge stuff, huh?
A high school girl feeling anonymous.</i>

6
00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:22,958
<i>Who am I? What does it all mean?
Why am I here? Blah.</i>

7
00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:26,378
<i>But don't worry,
this isn't one of those tales.</i>

8
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:28,505
<i>Though it sure started out that way.</i>

9
00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:31,465
<i>And then it changed pretty quickly
when I started lying</i>

10
00:01:31,549 --> 00:01:34,177
<i>about some very personal things.</i>

11
00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:38,139
<i>So let the record show that I,
Olive Penderghast</i>

12
00:01:38,306 --> 00:01:39,432
<i>being of sound mind,
and below-average breast size</i>

13
00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:43,061
<i>being of sound mind,
and below-average breast size...</i>

14
00:01:43,311 --> 00:01:45,479
<i>swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,</i>

15
00:01:45,563 --> 00:01:48,650
<i>and nothing but the truth.
Starting now.</i>

16
00:01:49,567 --> 00:01:51,986
<i>And what better way
to share my private thoughts</i>

17
00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:54,120
<i>than to broadcast them on the Internet?</i>

18
00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:57,492
So here it is. Part one.

19
00:01:58,493 --> 00:02:02,664
The shudder-inducing and clichéd,
however totally false account

20
00:02:02,831 --> 00:02:07,043
of how I lost my virginity
to a guy at a community college.

21
00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:12,048
Let me just begin by saying
that there are two sides to every story.

22
00:02:12,215 --> 00:02:15,135
And this is my side, the right one.

23
00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:17,053
George is not a sexy name.

24
00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:19,222
George is what you name your teddy bear

25
00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:21,724
not the name you wanna
scream out during climax.

26
00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:24,561
And by that, I assume you mean...?

27
00:02:24,728 --> 00:02:27,272
The stable and self-perpetuating
end stage

28
00:02:27,439 --> 00:02:29,398
in the evolution of a plant community.

29
00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:31,234
- Right.
- Why, what were you thinking?

30
00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:35,238
The same. But I don't say it out loud
lest someone get the wrong idea.

31
00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:38,407
I think you know innuendo
is attached to everything these days.

32
00:02:38,491 --> 00:02:40,535
Innuendo? What...?
Whatever do you mean?

33
00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:44,205
Rhiannon, Olive, go hit the books.
They don't hit back.

34
00:02:44,372 --> 00:02:48,918
Also, hugs not drugs.
Mess with the bull, get the horns.

35
00:02:49,085 --> 00:02:51,671
And any other clichés
you can come up with.

36
00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:54,299
Bye, Mr. Griffith.

37
00:02:54,466 --> 00:02:55,759
Bye.

38
00:02:55,925 --> 00:02:58,386
- Watch your mouth.
- Sorry.

39
00:02:58,803 --> 00:03:00,889
<i>Mr. Griffith is my favorite teacher.</i>

40
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:03,099
<i>Although, after all the trouble I caused</i>

41
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:05,518
<i>I don't know if I'm still
his favorite student.</i>

42
00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:07,144
You know, these are bad for you.

43
00:03:07,228 --> 00:03:10,732
It leads to unwanted pregnancy,
all sorts of things.

44
00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:14,736
Mismatched tires on your vehicle,
which is nonexistent.

45
00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:19,199
<i>And here is where the trouble began.
The lie that started the whole thing.</i>

46
00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:23,244
Please, please, I'm begging you.
I will pay you. I'll pay you.

47
00:03:23,411 --> 00:03:25,329
Rhi, I cannot go camping with you, okay?

48
00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:27,123
I'm sorry, but I have a date.

49
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:29,918
- Okay? I told you.
- With who?

50
00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:33,504
- You don't know him.
- And neither do you, you selfish bitch.

51
00:03:33,588 --> 00:03:35,924
Yes, I do.
He goes to college with my brother.

52
00:03:36,091 --> 00:03:37,675
Okay. What's his name, then?

53
00:03:37,842 --> 00:03:40,678
<i>Rhiannon is what you'd call
a strong personality.</i>

54
00:03:40,845 --> 00:03:43,145
<i>She asked me to come camping
with her family,</i>

55
00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:45,308
<i>and I don't know why I didn't wanna go.</i>

56
00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:48,686
<i>A little because I didn't feel like
hanging out with her all weekend.</i>

57
00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:52,189
<i>But mostly because her parents are
the weirdest people I have ever met,</i>

58
00:03:52,273 --> 00:03:54,567
<i>and I live in California.</i>

59
00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:54,985
<i>I ate dinner at her house once
and I swore, never again.</i>

60
00:03:55,069 --> 00:03:57,361
<i>I ate dinner at her house once
and I swore, never again.</i>

61
00:03:57,445 --> 00:03:59,739
- This is interesting.
- Patchouli burger.

62
00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:01,991
We grew it in our victory garden.

63
00:04:02,158 --> 00:04:03,618
You want some dessert?

64
00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:06,246
No, thank you.
I'm trying to watch my figure.

65
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,206
Well, I'm not.

66
00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:11,250
<i>So I lied and told her I couldn't go</i>

67
00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:14,503
<i>because I had a date with a friend
of my brother's named George.</i>

68
00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:17,674
Let's just face it, there is no such thing
as a sexy George.

69
00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:19,259
Yeah, well, mine is,

70
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:22,929
so I think we should just
put this conversation to bed.

71
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:26,850
Fine, don't go camping with us.
Just know I hate you, bitch.

72
00:04:27,475 --> 00:04:29,352
Go get your chocolate milk.

73
00:04:30,478 --> 00:04:32,647
- Do you want one?
- No.

74
00:04:32,814 --> 00:04:35,442
<i>And here's how I really spent
the weekend.</i>

75
00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:46,453
That's the worst song ever.

76
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:36,377
<i>But on Monday, when Rhi asked me
how my weekend was...</i>

77
00:05:36,544 --> 00:05:39,214
He was charming, you know?
He was a real gentleman.

78
00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:42,634
And it feels like I got a love
and I know that it's all mine.

79
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,636
Okay, okay. Wait, wait.
So are you going to see him again?

80
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:49,015
No. No, probably not. You know,
it was just one of those weekends.

81
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,767
A whole weekend?

82
00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,435
Yup.

83
00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:55,563
- Wait a minute. You didn't have...?
- What?

84
00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:57,732
No. No, of course not.

85
00:05:57,899 --> 00:06:01,069
You liar.
You totally lost your V-card to him.

86
00:06:01,236 --> 00:06:02,862
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.

87
00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:05,656
- Tell me everything.
- Rhi, I'm not that kind of girl.

88
00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:08,159
The kind that does it,
or the kind that does it,

89
00:06:08,243 --> 00:06:10,643
and doesn't have the balls
to tell her friend?

90
00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:12,413
- What?
- I want every detail.

91
00:06:12,580 --> 00:06:13,915
- Rhi.
- Now, bitch.

92
00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:15,291
You know, you call me "bitch" a lot.
Okay?

93
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:16,000
You know, you call me "bitch" a lot.
Okay?

94
00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:19,378
- It's not a term of endearment.
- I want every detail. Now, shitface.

95
00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:21,505
You're not heading
in the right direction.

96
00:06:21,589 --> 00:06:23,007
Tell me.

97
00:06:23,174 --> 00:06:24,759
Fine.

98
00:06:25,677 --> 00:06:27,303
We did it.

99
00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:28,596
Yes!

100
00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:31,057
Finally.
Now you're a super slut like me.

101
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,767
I don't think letting Peter Hedlund
motorboat you

102
00:06:33,851 --> 00:06:36,938
behind a Bed Bath and Beyond
really makes you a super slut.

103
00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:40,555
There were a lot of people walking
past. Someone could've easily seen.

104
00:06:40,858 --> 00:06:44,279
Whatever. This isn't about me,
this is about you.

105
00:06:44,445 --> 00:06:45,545
What'd you let him do?

106
00:06:46,197 --> 00:06:50,577
It was normal. You know?
Nothing freaky.

107
00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:52,996
<i>I don't know why I did it.</i>

108
00:06:53,162 --> 00:06:55,706
<i>I guess maybe it was because
it was the first time</i>

109
00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:58,251
<i>I had sort of felt superior to Rhi.</i>

110
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:01,003
<i>But I just started piling on lie
after lie. It was like setting up Jenga.</i>

111
00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:01,796
<i>But I just started piling on lie
after lie. It was like setting up Jenga.</i>

112
00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:03,547
Do you know, like, Glade candles?

113
00:07:03,631 --> 00:07:06,968
Those kind, but they were, like,
sexy Glade candles.

114
00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:09,846
- He was sweet. He was...
- Of course.

115
00:07:14,809 --> 00:07:17,309
What the hell are you looking at,
Sister Christian?

116
00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:19,772
Just a couple of admitted whores.

117
00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:24,875
<i>Marianne Bryant is the secretary
of the student council</i>

118
00:07:25,028 --> 00:07:27,530
<i>chairman of the Orange Blossom
dance committee,</i>

119
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,907
<i>and president of
the Cross Your Heart Club</i>

120
00:07:29,991 --> 00:07:33,118
<i>a club dedicated to shoving
their beliefs down people's throats.</i>

121
00:07:33,202 --> 00:07:34,662
Obviously they don't care.

122
00:07:34,829 --> 00:07:37,979
<i>Last year's cause célèbre was
the changing of the school mascot.</i>

123
00:07:40,335 --> 00:07:41,460
Give it up for your Blue Devils!

124
00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:42,419
Give it up for your Blue Devils!

125
00:07:42,503 --> 00:07:44,213
Blue!

126
00:07:44,380 --> 00:07:46,758
Blue Devil!

127
00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:50,678
Yeah.

128
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:53,681
Yeah!

129
00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:57,851
How can we exhibit school pride
when we're conveyed to others

130
00:07:57,935 --> 00:07:59,562
as Satan worshippers?

131
00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:03,191
<i>Now, thankfully,
we're the much less intimidating...</i>

132
00:08:04,525 --> 00:08:06,527
Give it up for the Woodchucks!

133
00:08:06,694 --> 00:08:08,988
Hey! Go, Woodchucks!

134
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:11,449
Woodchucks!

135
00:08:17,955 --> 00:08:20,155
I liked Todd much better
when he was topless.

136
00:08:20,249 --> 00:08:23,549
Yeah, but even dressed as a
woodchuck, I still fantasize about him.

137
00:08:23,961 --> 00:08:25,213
Woodchucks.

138
00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:30,051
<i>Now Marianne had a new cause célèbre.</i>

139
00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:31,719
<i>Me.</i>

140
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:34,347
Which brings us to part two.

141
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:35,681
The accelerated velocity
of terminological inexactitude.

142
00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:38,350
The accelerated velocity
of terminological inexactitude.

143
00:08:38,434 --> 00:08:43,106
<i>Which is really just my obnoxious way
of saying that lies travel fast.</i>

144
00:08:43,272 --> 00:08:47,902
<i>And, boy, did my terminological
inexactitude accelerate with velocity.</i>

145
00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:49,946
Did you hear about Olive?

146
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,635
No way.

147
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:23,187
- She's not a virgin anymore?
- I can't believe it.

148
00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:25,106
- Olive lost her virginity.
- Yeah.

149
00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:29,526
Maybe next time a certain somebody
will be a little more careful

150
00:09:29,610 --> 00:09:30,527
what she says in the water closet.

151
00:09:30,611 --> 00:09:31,320
...what she says in the water closet.

152
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:34,615
Yeah, about that? It's...
That's actually not what you think.

153
00:09:34,782 --> 00:09:36,951
Can I talk to you alone for a second?

154
00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:40,246
- You gonna be okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you.

155
00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:44,167
Bye, Nina.

156
00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:49,172
What you heard in the bathroom
the other day wasn't true at all.

157
00:09:49,338 --> 00:09:52,800
- It's actually a funny story.
- Olive. That's your name, right?

158
00:09:53,217 --> 00:09:56,304
Yeah, yeah. And you're Marianne.

159
00:09:56,471 --> 00:09:58,931
We've had nine classes together
since kindergarten.

160
00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:02,101
Ten, if you count Religion
of Other Cultures, which you didn't

161
00:10:02,185 --> 00:10:04,145
because you refused to go.

162
00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:07,064
Yeah. Listen, I'm not the one
that you have to answer to,

163
00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:08,648
for your depraved behavior.

164
00:10:08,733 --> 00:10:11,694
There's a higher power
that will judge you for your indecency.

165
00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:11,986
Tom Cruise?

166
00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:13,654
Tom Cruise?

167
00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:16,323
I hope for your sake
that God has a sense of humor.

168
00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:20,036
Oh, I have 17 years' worth
of anecdotal proof he does.

169
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,121
You've made your bed.

170
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:25,088
I just hope for your sake
that you've cleaned the sheets.

171
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:28,752
- Did I just get saved?
- I missed you.

172
00:10:28,836 --> 00:10:30,004
Oh, you too.

173
00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:32,548
<i>So Marianne spread the rumor.</i>

174
00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:36,135
<i>For the first time ever, my sexual
exploits were the talk of the school.</i>

175
00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:38,762
<i>Oh, you know what? I'm wrong.
It was the second time.</i>

176
00:10:38,846 --> 00:10:40,848
<i>The first time was back in 8th grade</i>

177
00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:43,475
<i>when all I wanted was a kiss from
this guy I had always had a crush on.</i>

178
00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:44,768
<i>...when all I wanted was a kiss from
this guy I had always had a crush on.</i>

179
00:10:44,852 --> 00:10:48,105
<i>Todd and I were thrown together
in Seven Minutes of Heaven.</i>

180
00:10:48,272 --> 00:10:52,944
<i>Luckily we had a super romantic
song from our youth to set the mood.</i>

181
00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:54,863
I think this is the part...

182
00:10:54,947 --> 00:10:56,113
I think this is the part

183
00:10:56,197 --> 00:10:58,949
where you're supposed to
stick your tongue in my mouth.

184
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:00,583
That's what I've heard, anyway.

185
00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:02,954
Just give me a second, okay?

186
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:05,873
According to my watch,
you have 382 of them.

187
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,374
- How do you do that?
- What?

188
00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:09,758
Add so fast.
And you also talk like a grown-up.

189
00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:10,587
Don't worry, I'm not nearly as smart
as I think I am.

190
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:13,271
Don't worry, I'm not nearly as smart
as I think I am.

191
00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:19,220
So if we didn't do anything,
could you still tell people we kissed?

192
00:11:22,056 --> 00:11:22,931
Absolutely.

193
00:11:23,015 --> 00:11:23,848
Absolutely.

194
00:11:23,975 --> 00:11:25,852
- Thanks, Olive.
- Sure, Todd.

195
00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:28,979
<i>I actually didn't wanna lie that time.</i>

196
00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:31,774
<i>When people thought
I'd kissed someone, they didn't care.</i>

197
00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:34,026
<i>But when they thought
I slept with someone...</i>

198
00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:36,571
Hey, Olive. How's it going?

199
00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:39,407
I'm swell,
Guy-I've-Never-Talked-to-Before.

200
00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:41,492
Thanks for asking.

201
00:11:42,118 --> 00:11:46,914
<i>All I could think to myself was,
"Great, now I'm a tramp."</i>

202
00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:49,166
<i>I'm gonna have to get
a lower-back tattoo,</i>

203
00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:51,544
<i>and pierce something not on my face.</i>

204
00:11:51,919 --> 00:11:54,296
You guys know that
I was here all weekend, right?

205
00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:55,881
- Yeah.
- Yes, you were upstairs.

206
00:11:55,965 --> 00:11:57,591
- Yeah.
- You would testify to that?

207
00:11:57,675 --> 00:11:58,842
- Yeah.
- I would take a bullet for you.

208
00:11:58,926 --> 00:11:59,635
- Yeah.
- I would take a bullet for you.

209
00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:01,637
You know that.
Right between the eyes.

210
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:04,015
Man, I would slit my throat

211
00:12:04,181 --> 00:12:06,183
rather than say something to someone

212
00:12:06,267 --> 00:12:09,019
- that you didn't want me to say.
- That's not necessary.

213
00:12:09,103 --> 00:12:11,898
- But that is comforting.
- That's how I am, how I roll.

214
00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:13,816
That's how I do, as they say.

215
00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:17,528
- I like the pants.
- Thank you. They're Costco.

216
00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:19,595
You can have them when you get taller.

217
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:22,324
- I'm never gonna go through puberty.
- Course you will.

218
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:24,285
But we're a family of late bloomers.

219
00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:27,204
I didn't until I was 14. Nor did Olive.

220
00:12:27,371 --> 00:12:29,290
Why does that matter? I'm adopted.

221
00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:30,999
What? Oh, my God. Who told you?

222
00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:33,169
What? Oh, my God. Who told you?

223
00:12:33,628 --> 00:12:36,714
Guys, we were gonna do this
at the right time.

224
00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:37,924
Listen to me.

225
00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:41,301
Sometimes, even when a man and
a woman love each other very much. <i>..</i>

226
00:12:41,385 --> 00:12:43,136
Like your mother and I used to

227
00:12:43,220 --> 00:12:45,932
their insides just don't cooperate
with each other.

228
00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:47,432
So, what's going on, honey?

229
00:12:47,516 --> 00:12:50,727
Why do you want us to take a bullet
if anyone asks if you were here?

230
00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:53,147
It's nothing. It's just the rumor mill.

231
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:56,567
What's the rumor mill churning out
these days? Anything interesting?

232
00:12:56,651 --> 00:12:59,695
You know, not really. Not really.
It's a little low on grist.

233
00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:02,657
Clever wordplay. I like it.
You must be related to me.

234
00:13:02,823 --> 00:13:04,992
- Only by marriage.
- Give it to me.

235
00:13:05,159 --> 00:13:07,495
So, what we're all gonna take away
from this:

236
00:13:07,662 --> 00:13:10,373
- I was here all weekend, right?
- Yes, yes, yes.

237
00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:13,208
<i>Remember how I told you
Google Earth couldn't find me...</i>

238
00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:13,834
<i>Remember how I told you
Google Earth couldn't find me</i>

239
00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:16,211
<i>if I was dressed up
as a ten-story building?</i>

240
00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:20,145
<i>Well, the next day it could find me if I
was dressed as a crack on a sidewalk.</i>

241
00:13:20,257 --> 00:13:22,593
<i>That's the beauty of being
a girl in high school.</i>

242
00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:26,180
<i>People hear you had sex once
and, bam, you're a bimbo.</i>

243
00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:28,974
<i>I really didn't mean for the lie
to put me on the map,</i>

244
00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:32,228
<i>but I gotta admit,
I kind of liked being on the map.</i>

245
00:13:32,395 --> 00:13:36,649
So, clearly Nathaniel Hawthorne
is a complex writer.

246
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,442
Even I had trouble with him.

247
00:13:38,609 --> 00:13:41,696
I read him originally when I was 5,
but I struggled.

248
00:13:41,862 --> 00:13:44,907
So I'm gonna break it down for you.
I'm gonna throw some rhymes.

249
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,993
Anson, drop me a beat.

250
00:13:47,159 --> 00:13:48,869
- What?
- Give me a beat.

251
00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:50,913
Push it up.

252
00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:54,667
<i>Yeah, adultery, vengeance</i>

253
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:57,169
<i>Crimes of passion</i>

254
00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:59,380
Kill the beat.
I'm not gonna rap for you.

255
00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:01,647
It's pandering and it's been done before

256
00:14:01,757 --> 00:14:04,885
in every bad movie
you've ever seen. Okay.

257
00:14:05,052 --> 00:14:07,680
<i>Ironically, we were studying</i>
The Scarlet Letter.

258
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,724
<i>Now, isn't that always the way?</i>

259
00:14:09,890 --> 00:14:13,090
<i>The books you read in class always
have some strong connection</i>

260
00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:16,063
<i>with whatever angsty
adolescent drama is going on.</i>

261
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:19,230
<i>Except for</i> Huckleberry Finn.
<i>I don't know any teenage boys</i>

262
00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:21,026
<i>who have ever run away
with a big, hulking black guy.</i>

263
00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:22,277
<i>...who have ever run away
with a big, hulking black guy.</i>

264
00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:24,655
For those who haven't read
<i>The Scarlet Letter,</i>

265
00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:28,409
or for those who said you did
but didn't, here's all you need to know.

266
00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:31,426
<i>This girl, Hester Prynne,
has an affair with a minister</i>

267
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:35,416
<i>is besmirched and made to wear
a red A for "adulterer."</i>

268
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:37,883
<i>The town realizes
she was too harshly judged,</i>

269
00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:40,921
<i>and she's really a good person,
and she dies a saint.</i>

270
00:14:41,088 --> 00:14:43,006
<i>A whole bunch of other stuff happens too.</i>

271
00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:46,718
If you have a test on it, rent the movie,
but make sure it's the original

272
00:14:46,802 --> 00:14:50,431
not the Demi Moore version where
she talks in a fake British accent,

273
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:50,890
and takes a lot of baths.

274
00:14:50,974 --> 00:14:52,374
...and takes a lot of baths.

275
00:14:52,516 --> 00:14:57,438
To say that one was freely adapted
is a bit of an understatement, guvnor.

276
00:14:57,605 --> 00:14:59,607
What we have to realize

277
00:14:59,774 --> 00:15:03,069
is that Hester lived
in an entirely different time.

278
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:09,450
A time when the worst crime a woman
could commit was in fact adultery.

279
00:15:10,242 --> 00:15:11,285
Nina.

280
00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:13,412
I think Hester Prynne was...

281
00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:16,123
Excuse my language... a skank.

282
00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:18,834
A skank? So you don't think
she was a victim at all?

283
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,128
Why should I?
She brought it on herself.

284
00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:26,967
Perhaps you should embroider a red A
on your wardrobe, abominable tramp.

285
00:15:27,134 --> 00:15:30,971
Perhaps you should get a wardrobe,
you abominable twat.

286
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:35,142
<i>Not my best line,
but it was provocative enough</i>

287
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:37,812
<i>to land me in the principal's office.</i>

288
00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:47,655
Seems as if someone's
on a downward spiral.

289
00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:51,367
Seems as if someone's
practicing the mundane activities

290
00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:53,785
she'll be saddled with
the rest of her life.

291
00:15:53,869 --> 00:15:56,669
I hope you at least had the good sense
to use protection.

292
00:15:56,831 --> 00:15:58,290
Why? Your parents didn't.

293
00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:01,251
- You're going to hell.
- Just as long as you won't be there.

294
00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:03,170
I can assure you I won't.

295
00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:05,673
Good.

296
00:16:10,177 --> 00:16:14,056
I don't care who started it.
Just work it out.

297
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:19,687
Penderghast.

298
00:16:21,188 --> 00:16:23,899
So why am I just meeting you?

299
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:26,735
Language like this would've
warranted a visit years ago.

300
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:30,865
This is the first time I've done anything
remotely misbehavioral.

301
00:16:31,031 --> 00:16:32,158
This is foul.

302
00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:34,577
I know. I am so...
I'm really, really sorry.

303
00:16:34,743 --> 00:16:37,037
Sorry you said it
or sorry you got caught?

304
00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:39,165
Sorry I said it, honestly.

305
00:16:39,331 --> 00:16:42,960
And sorry I got caught a little bit too,
but mostly just sorry I said it.

306
00:16:43,127 --> 00:16:47,047
If you use a word like this again in my
school, it'll be your last. Understand?

307
00:16:47,214 --> 00:16:48,257
Yes, sir. Yes.

308
00:16:48,424 --> 00:16:48,758
I mean, this isn't one of
those progressive schools...

309
00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:50,967
I mean, this isn't one of
those progressive schools

310
00:16:51,051 --> 00:16:53,601
where teachers are called
by their first names,

311
00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:56,348
and students are partners in learning,

312
00:16:56,515 --> 00:16:59,559
and there's a fundraising auction
at the end of the year

313
00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:02,897
where the more creative parents
put on musical skits

314
00:17:03,063 --> 00:17:05,065
about the community garden.

315
00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:07,943
This is public school.

316
00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:12,531
If I can keep the girls off the pole and
the boys off the pipe, I get a bonus.

317
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:15,242
Now, if you're sent to me one more time

318
00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:18,859
you're gonna be out on your fantail.
Now, am I making myself clear?

319
00:17:18,954 --> 00:17:20,080
Yes, sir.

320
00:17:20,956 --> 00:17:22,041
- Good.
- I think so.

321
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:26,128
I mean, I got a little lost in the middle,
but I found my way back.

322
00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:28,088
Detention after school tomorrow.

323
00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:31,258
Now, out.

324
00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:35,428
<i>Even though it was my slutty alter ego
that said a bad word in school...</i>

325
00:17:35,512 --> 00:17:37,055
<i>Even though it was my slutty alter ego
that said a bad word in school</i>

326
00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:39,391
<i>it was my ass that got in trouble</i>

327
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:42,561
<i>which was a place my ass
had never been before.</i>

328
00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:49,193
Hey, Olive.

329
00:17:49,526 --> 00:17:52,154
Oh, my God. The illusion is shattered.

330
00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:53,196
They put you in the gas chamber if you
take your head off at Disney World.

331
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,866
They put you in the gas chamber if you
take your head off at Disney World.

332
00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:58,702
I think they just fire you.
You're thinking of Disneyland.

333
00:17:58,786 --> 00:18:00,704
- Disney World is more liberal.
- Oh, yeah.

334
00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:03,738
I always forget Disney World
went blue in the last election.

335
00:18:03,832 --> 00:18:05,782
Are you going to Melody Bostic's party?

336
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,461
I hadn't planned on it.

337
00:18:07,628 --> 00:18:08,420
Me neither. My cousin's getting
married. It's a rehearsal dinner.

338
00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:10,755
Me neither. My cousin's getting
married. It's a rehearsal dinner.

339
00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:13,467
See you. Stay excellent.

340
00:18:13,968 --> 00:18:14,969
You too.

341
00:18:15,135 --> 00:18:16,585
- What's up, kid?
- Woodchuck.

342
00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:19,932
Please tell me the rumors are true.

343
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,559
Yes. Yes. I am a big, fat slut.

344
00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:26,188
No, the one where you got suspended
for calling Nina Howell a dick,

345
00:18:26,355 --> 00:18:28,440
and punching her in the left tit.

346
00:18:29,149 --> 00:18:32,111
I worry about the way information
circulates at this school.

347
00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:35,447
Rhi? I need to tell you something.

348
00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:38,492
Like the exact moment
you turned into such a badass?

349
00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:40,559
- I think I'm in love with you.
- Okay.

350
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:43,413
Tell me you left a mark
on that scrunched-up face of hers?

351
00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:45,415
- It's not true.
- It wasn't the left tit?

352
00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:48,335
It was the right one.
I always pegged you for a southpaw.

353
00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:51,088
Can you listen to me
for one second, please?

354
00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:52,297
Okay. It didn't happen.

355
00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:54,466
Okay. It didn't happen.

356
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:58,512
Oh, yeah, right. Your secret's safe
with me, you little sex monkey.

357
00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:05,144
I got sent to the principal today.

358
00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:07,396
Did you win a medal or something?

359
00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:08,605
Not exactly.

360
00:19:08,772 --> 00:19:13,360
I used inappropriate language
in English class.

361
00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:16,530
Although we're reading a book
that I personally deem

362
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:19,241
inappropriate for our age group,
so I actually felt it was quite apropos.

363
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:20,617
...inappropriate for our age group,
so I actually felt it was quite apropos.

364
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:21,952
What did you say?

365
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:26,206
Let's just say
it was an inappropriate word.

366
00:19:26,373 --> 00:19:27,791
Well, what did it start with?

367
00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:30,252
A snide comment
from a snotty girl in my class.

368
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:33,797
No, I mean what letter
did the word start with?

369
00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:35,591
- T.
- Oh, T.

370
00:19:35,758 --> 00:19:40,220
- T? Let us think. T, T, T.
- T. All right, T. Yeah, T.

371
00:19:40,387 --> 00:19:42,597
- T, T, T.
- T, T, T.

372
00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:44,725
- T, T, T.
- T, T, T.

373
00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:57,738
- Guys.
- Noun, adjective or verb?

374
00:19:57,905 --> 00:20:01,033
Noun. It's definitely slang.
Think British.

375
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:01,158
Tallywhacker? Termagant?

376
00:20:01,242 --> 00:20:03,077
Tallywhacker? Termagant?

377
00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:08,897
You're just saying sounds.
Those are sounds.

378
00:20:08,999 --> 00:20:12,002
- Spell it with your peas.
- Yeah, spell it with your peas. Do it.

379
00:20:12,086 --> 00:20:13,837
- I will take that challenge.
- Do it.

380
00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:15,255
I like that. All right.

381
00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:17,799
So does this have anything to do
with the rumor

382
00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:19,927
that you mentioned the other night?

383
00:20:20,094 --> 00:20:23,389
Do you need to talk to us
about something, sweetie?

384
00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:25,516
What's a twit?

385
00:20:25,682 --> 00:20:27,434
That's an A, honey.

386
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,853
It'll get you sent
to the principal's office.

387
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:31,188
Sit down.

388
00:20:31,355 --> 00:20:33,899
We're lucky that this
is not a common occurrence.

389
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,192
What would my punishment
have been otherwise?

390
00:20:36,276 --> 00:20:39,863
- Bed without supper, I guess.
- But I'm already finished.

391
00:20:40,697 --> 00:20:43,283
- No dating. No dating.
- Yeah, no dating.

392
00:20:43,450 --> 00:20:45,535
- No dating for you, young lady.
- No dating.

393
00:20:45,619 --> 00:20:47,871
I think my complete lack of allure

394
00:20:48,038 --> 00:20:50,624
already kind of
shot that horse in the face.

395
00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:54,044
I wouldn't know how to be grounded
more than you know how to ground.

396
00:20:54,128 --> 00:20:56,463
That's right. Love you. Come here.

397
00:20:56,630 --> 00:21:00,342
And I bet that girl was acting
like exactly what you called her.

398
00:21:00,509 --> 00:21:01,635
Oh, you have no idea.

399
00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:06,306
I got a B-plus on my spelling test today.

400
00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:10,060
That's good, honey, but everything
has spell check these days, so...

401
00:21:10,227 --> 00:21:11,395
Just kidding.

402
00:21:13,647 --> 00:21:15,566
Where are you from originally?

403
00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:17,766
<i>So the next day I had detention</i>

404
00:21:17,860 --> 00:21:21,155
<i>which, thanks to recent budget cuts,
meant cleaning.</i>

405
00:21:21,321 --> 00:21:23,823
<i>I was looking forward to
getting all this behind me.</i>

406
00:21:23,907 --> 00:21:26,493
<i>I had done the crime.
I was gonna do the time.</i>

407
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:28,871
<i>And that would be that, but that...</i>

408
00:21:29,037 --> 00:21:31,832
Aren't there, like,
child labor laws against this?

409
00:21:31,999 --> 00:21:33,125
Not in high school.

410
00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:37,463
The principal's like the captain
of the ship in international waters.

411
00:21:37,629 --> 00:21:38,255
He can even marry people.

412
00:21:38,339 --> 00:21:39,589
He can even marry people.

413
00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:43,009
We haven't talked in a while.
How have you been, Brandon?

414
00:21:43,093 --> 00:21:46,763
Fabulous. I'm crushing it.
Everything according to plan.

415
00:21:46,930 --> 00:21:48,932
I wanna be in detention.

416
00:21:49,099 --> 00:21:50,350
Yeah, why are you here?

417
00:21:50,517 --> 00:21:54,062
From the blood I saw gushing out of
your nose, I thought you were bullied.

418
00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:54,688
Principal Gibbons is a homophobe,
which is why I called him a fascist.

419
00:21:54,772 --> 00:21:57,607
Principal Gibbons is a homophobe,
which is why I called him a fascist.

420
00:21:57,691 --> 00:22:01,028
- So the rumors are true.
- I don't know what you're talking about.

421
00:22:01,195 --> 00:22:03,822
I meant about Gibbons being a fascist.

422
00:22:05,449 --> 00:22:08,368
So, what's with your new look?
Very whore couture.

423
00:22:08,535 --> 00:22:11,872
Oh, haven't you heard?
I'm the new school slut.

424
00:22:12,039 --> 00:22:15,626
You know, I did hear something.
I also heard he was twice your age.

425
00:22:15,792 --> 00:22:18,378
Oh, no, no, no.
No, he was a freshman in college.

426
00:22:18,545 --> 00:22:20,672
I also heard he gave you crabs.

427
00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:23,550
- People suck.
- Tell me about it.

428
00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:27,137
He's not real.

429
00:22:28,639 --> 00:22:31,892
- What?
- The guy I slept with. I made him up.

430
00:22:32,059 --> 00:22:34,061
Wait, you started the rumor?

431
00:22:34,228 --> 00:22:36,271
Indirectly, I guess sort of.

432
00:22:36,438 --> 00:22:40,734
Or actually, no.
No, not really. No, I didn't.

433
00:22:40,901 --> 00:22:43,862
Well, but you're perpetuating it.
That's really messed up.

434
00:22:44,029 --> 00:22:45,155
Excuse me?

435
00:22:45,322 --> 00:22:48,491
You're not even a real slut.
You just want people to think you are.

436
00:22:48,575 --> 00:22:50,077
It's pathetic.

437
00:22:50,244 --> 00:22:55,082
No offense, but you could probably
learn something from me, Brando.

438
00:22:55,249 --> 00:22:59,962
Are you saying that I should
act straight so people will like me?

439
00:23:00,128 --> 00:23:03,924
That's groundbreaking. You should
teach a course at The Learning Annex.

440
00:23:04,091 --> 00:23:07,260
It could be called "The Painfully
Obvious with Olive Penderghast

441
00:23:07,344 --> 00:23:08,637
the Fake School Slut."

442
00:23:08,804 --> 00:23:11,932
I was just suggesting that
maybe these kids we call peers

443
00:23:12,099 --> 00:23:14,768
are onto something.
You know, like Marianne Bryant.

444
00:23:14,935 --> 00:23:19,898
Maybe that whole stuck-up,
Jesus-freak thing is an act. You know?

445
00:23:20,065 --> 00:23:22,442
No, I think she's just
a stuck-up Jesus freak.

446
00:23:22,609 --> 00:23:25,945
And there are some of us who are
just trying to blend in to the crowd.

447
00:23:26,029 --> 00:23:29,032
Well, then you've gotta do
everything you can to blend in,

448
00:23:29,199 --> 00:23:30,951
or decide not to care.

449
00:23:31,618 --> 00:23:34,871
I can't decide if you're a genius
or a lunatic.

450
00:23:35,038 --> 00:23:39,042
Well, don't they sort of go hand in hand?

451
00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:43,922
- So you heard any word from George?
- Nope.

452
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:48,802
I told you, that was a one-night stand,
which is now over.

453
00:23:48,969 --> 00:23:51,054
You're being pretty cavalier about this.

454
00:23:51,221 --> 00:23:53,723
Aren't you supposed to be
eternally in love with him?

455
00:23:53,807 --> 00:23:57,560
Yes, I believe so. If I was a Gossip Girl
in Sweet Valley with traveling pants.

456
00:23:57,644 --> 00:24:01,982
But no, I'm not.
So I could really care less.

457
00:24:02,149 --> 00:24:04,399
So Brandy Carter
was telling Vanessa Hodges

458
00:24:04,484 --> 00:24:07,321
that you were with three guys
in a Jacuzzi.

459
00:24:07,988 --> 00:24:09,406
Sounds like a lot of work.

460
00:24:09,573 --> 00:24:13,118
I guess that's still better than
getting it on with some old dude.

461
00:24:13,285 --> 00:24:14,620
Who said that?

462
00:24:14,786 --> 00:24:18,749
Do you know that Brandon kid?
That's what somebody told him.

463
00:24:18,915 --> 00:24:20,000
Isn't he a homo?

464
00:24:20,792 --> 00:24:22,002
Yeah.

465
00:24:28,091 --> 00:24:29,968
Speak of the devil. Hello.

466
00:24:30,135 --> 00:24:32,846
I was just talking about you
with my friend, Rhiannon.

467
00:24:33,013 --> 00:24:36,433
You know Rhiannon.
She's perpetually angry.

468
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:38,685
She curses like a Somali sailor. Bi...

469
00:24:38,852 --> 00:24:41,396
- Yeah. That's the one.
- "Bi... "? "Bi... "? What's "bi-"?

470
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:44,149
- Okay.
- I wanna know what "bi..." is.

471
00:24:44,316 --> 00:24:46,109
Hello, what's "bi... "? What is "bi... "?

472
00:24:46,193 --> 00:24:48,278
- Bye.
- "Bi... "? What is "bi... "?

473
00:24:48,445 --> 00:24:51,448
Bedazzling personality?
Beautiful, beautiful soul?

474
00:24:51,615 --> 00:24:54,201
- Big tits.
- That's my identifier?

475
00:24:55,118 --> 00:24:56,620
Yes!

476
00:24:56,787 --> 00:25:00,540
All right, well, that was Brandon. He
needs to talk to me about something.

477
00:25:00,707 --> 00:25:03,607
- Probably wants to borrow an outfit.
- Whatever, Big Tits.

478
00:25:03,752 --> 00:25:05,295
Heck, yeah!

479
00:25:06,046 --> 00:25:07,881
Big tits!

480
00:25:08,048 --> 00:25:10,842
The next day,
things took a turn for the scandalous

481
00:25:11,009 --> 00:25:12,969
which brings us to part three.

482
00:25:13,136 --> 00:25:16,890
A lady's choice
and a gentleman's agreement.

483
00:25:30,529 --> 00:25:32,906
Hi. Is there an Olive here?

484
00:25:33,073 --> 00:25:35,242
There's a whole jar of them
in the fridge.

485
00:25:35,409 --> 00:25:37,577
I'm sorry, I must have the wrong address.

486
00:25:37,744 --> 00:25:39,079
Just kidding. Come on in.

487
00:25:40,038 --> 00:25:43,166
Any friend of Olive's
is a friend of our daughter's.

488
00:25:43,792 --> 00:25:45,335
Olive, sweetie.

489
00:25:45,502 --> 00:25:47,587
There's a young man here to see you.

490
00:25:47,754 --> 00:25:51,425
He said something about asking
for your hand in marriage.

491
00:25:51,591 --> 00:25:53,885
Oh, happy day, Mama!

492
00:25:54,052 --> 00:25:56,471
Oh, I thought I was gonna have
to spend my dowry

493
00:25:56,555 --> 00:25:56,513
on booze and pills
to numb the loneliness.

494
00:25:56,597 --> 00:25:59,391
...on booze and pills
to numb the loneliness.

495
00:25:59,558 --> 00:26:01,893
A gentleman caller, hurray!

496
00:26:02,060 --> 00:26:04,396
- What's that?
- Olive has a boy in her room.

497
00:26:04,563 --> 00:26:05,731
- A boy?
- A boy.

498
00:26:05,897 --> 00:26:08,108
- Wow, a boy.
- A boy.

499
00:26:08,275 --> 00:26:09,943
A boy?

500
00:26:10,110 --> 00:26:11,945
A boy.

501
00:26:13,071 --> 00:26:16,450
Welcome.
This is where the magic happens.

502
00:26:16,616 --> 00:26:18,285
And by magic I mean nothing.

503
00:26:18,452 --> 00:26:20,161
- Do you wanna go out with me?
- What?

504
00:26:20,245 --> 00:26:22,914
Well, I mean, like,
do you wanna be my girlfriend?

505
00:26:25,041 --> 00:26:28,545
Brandon, just a couple hours ago
you told me you were Kinsey Six gay.

506
00:26:28,712 --> 00:26:31,512
True, but you said I should
pretend to be straight, so...

507
00:26:31,631 --> 00:26:33,467
Yeah, I didn't mean with me.

508
00:26:33,633 --> 00:26:38,597
I mean, you're a nice guy and all,
but you're not really my type.

509
00:26:38,764 --> 00:26:40,640
Yeah, you're not really my type either.

510
00:26:40,724 --> 00:26:41,225
Yeah, I know that. I got that V
where you'd rather see a P.

511
00:26:41,309 --> 00:26:43,726
Yeah, I know that. I got that V
where you'd rather see a P.

512
00:26:43,810 --> 00:26:44,228
Do you wanna have sex with me or not?

513
00:26:44,312 --> 00:26:45,561
Do you wanna have sex with me or not?

514
00:26:45,645 --> 00:26:47,606
Oh, my God, dude.

515
00:26:47,773 --> 00:26:49,315
You completely missed the point.

516
00:26:49,399 --> 00:26:52,235
- That's not what I was saying.
- I know what you were saying.

517
00:26:52,319 --> 00:26:54,904
I should act straight
till I get out of this hellhole.

518
00:26:54,988 --> 00:26:57,188
Then I can be whoever I wanna be.
I get that.

519
00:26:57,324 --> 00:27:00,174
You know that I didn't have sex
with a college guy, right?

520
00:27:00,327 --> 00:27:02,078
I just told everybody I did.

521
00:27:02,245 --> 00:27:05,832
Actually, I told one person I did.
And you know how these things work.

522
00:27:05,999 --> 00:27:07,167
It's like wildfire.

523
00:27:07,709 --> 00:27:10,921
So you're saying
I shouldn't really have sex?

524
00:27:11,087 --> 00:27:14,800
I should just say I had sex
with someone. A girl.

525
00:27:14,966 --> 00:27:17,344
Yes. Yes.

526
00:27:24,768 --> 00:27:26,353
Oh, no.

527
00:27:26,603 --> 00:27:29,731
- Wai... Just...
- Oh, no, no, no.

528
00:27:30,315 --> 00:27:33,109
- No way! No way!
- Just wait. Wait, wait. Stop it, stop it.

529
00:27:33,193 --> 00:27:35,611
- Absolutely not.
- Think about it. Think about it.

530
00:27:35,695 --> 00:27:37,948
- We could help each other out.
- No.

531
00:27:38,114 --> 00:27:39,741
You wanna maintain this floozy facade.

532
00:27:39,825 --> 00:27:40,783
You wanna maintain this floozy facade.

533
00:27:40,867 --> 00:27:44,067
I don't wanna get pushed into shit
every day. It's a win-win-win.

534
00:27:44,204 --> 00:27:46,456
How do you know I like
being thought of as a floozy?

535
00:27:46,540 --> 00:27:48,625
Because at least you're being thought of.

536
00:27:48,792 --> 00:27:51,837
Just one good imaginary bonk.

537
00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:54,548
You are on crack. All right?
And not the good kind.

538
00:27:54,714 --> 00:27:56,132
It doesn't have to be a bonk.

539
00:27:56,216 --> 00:27:58,801
It could be an imaginary butterbean,
lemon squeeze...

540
00:27:58,885 --> 00:28:02,180
- I don't know what any of that means.
- That's because you're a virgin.

541
00:28:02,264 --> 00:28:04,464
You know what?
This is not the answer at all.

542
00:28:04,558 --> 00:28:07,727
- I'll pay you whatever you want.
- I don't want your money, Brandon.

543
00:28:07,811 --> 00:28:09,813
Just do what I did and make someone up.

544
00:28:09,980 --> 00:28:11,857
Who's going to believe me?

545
00:28:13,650 --> 00:28:17,821
You don't understand how hard it is,
all right? I'm tormented.

546
00:28:17,988 --> 00:28:22,200
And every day at school
is like I'm being suffocated.

547
00:28:22,367 --> 00:28:24,767
And sure, we can sit
and fantasize all we want

548
00:28:24,911 --> 00:28:27,455
about how things
are gonna be different one day,

549
00:28:27,539 --> 00:28:29,416
but this is today and it sucks.

550
00:28:29,583 --> 00:28:32,877
There's only one way around it.
You were smart enough to think of it.

551
00:28:32,961 --> 00:28:35,547
So please, just help me.

552
00:28:35,714 --> 00:28:39,384
Because I can't take another day
of this. I don't know what I'll do.

553
00:28:47,225 --> 00:28:49,769
I don't do anything half-assed.
All right?

554
00:28:49,936 --> 00:28:51,521
It'll have to be a public event.

555
00:28:51,605 --> 00:28:54,024
Melody Bostic is throwing
a party tomorrow night.

556
00:28:54,190 --> 00:28:58,111
All of your tormentors will be there.
You and I are going together. All right?

557
00:28:58,278 --> 00:29:02,449
You have to do everything I say and
tell everyone that I am sensational.

558
00:29:02,616 --> 00:29:05,744
- Thank you so much for doing this.
- Just...

559
00:29:06,369 --> 00:29:09,619
you know, make sure you're ready
to live with the consequences.

560
00:29:10,790 --> 00:29:14,711
- What the hell is a lemon squeeze?
- It's like a backwards melon bag.

561
00:29:14,878 --> 00:29:17,923
How don't I know any of this?

562
00:29:19,591 --> 00:29:22,469
<i>The next night was the party
at Melody Bostic's house.</i>

563
00:29:22,636 --> 00:29:24,971
<i>She is the most popular girl in school.</i>

564
00:29:25,138 --> 00:29:27,765
<i>It's partly because she's pretty
and has perfect hair,</i>

565
00:29:27,849 --> 00:29:30,852
<i>but mostly because her parents
let her have these parties</i>

566
00:29:30,936 --> 00:29:33,479
<i>every time she catches them
doing it in the pool</i>

567
00:29:33,563 --> 00:29:36,691
<i>which is every week, apparently.</i>

568
00:29:36,858 --> 00:29:39,819
<i>Brandon and I showed up
when it was in full swing.</i>

569
00:29:39,986 --> 00:29:43,197
<i>I borrowed a dress from my mom,
Brandon borrowed a jacket from me,</i>

570
00:29:43,281 --> 00:29:45,200
<i>and we put on a little show.</i>

571
00:29:45,367 --> 00:29:45,868
Hey, Olive and Brandon.

572
00:29:45,952 --> 00:29:48,036
Hey, Olive and Brandon.

573
00:29:48,203 --> 00:29:49,496
What's up?

574
00:29:49,663 --> 00:29:53,124
I hope you don't mind, but we had
a few pre-cocktail-party cocktails

575
00:29:53,208 --> 00:29:56,294
like, before the cocktail party
with cocktails.

576
00:29:58,046 --> 00:30:01,132
Listen, here's the sitch, Melody Bostic.

577
00:30:01,883 --> 00:30:05,929
Brandon was just in the middle
of telling me this really funny thing

578
00:30:06,096 --> 00:30:07,346
which is really funny.

579
00:30:07,430 --> 00:30:11,226
And I was wondering if there's,
like, a room where we could go

580
00:30:11,393 --> 00:30:14,688
where he could finish telling me
that thing that's funny

581
00:30:14,854 --> 00:30:16,204
if you know what I mean.

582
00:30:16,314 --> 00:30:17,607
You can use my room.

583
00:30:18,775 --> 00:30:20,527
Down the hall to the left.

584
00:30:21,778 --> 00:30:24,030
Cool.

585
00:30:25,156 --> 00:30:27,283
Is that Olive with Brandon?

586
00:30:27,450 --> 00:30:29,369
I know. What the hell, right?

587
00:30:29,536 --> 00:30:31,246
You guys are my buddies.

588
00:30:31,413 --> 00:30:33,039
I'm drunk, bitches. What's up?

589
00:30:33,206 --> 00:30:34,708
I love your room!

590
00:30:34,874 --> 00:30:37,210
My sheets. Put a towel down.

591
00:30:37,377 --> 00:30:41,089
- Olive's gonna do a gay dude.
- Thanks. Close the shades.

592
00:30:45,885 --> 00:30:47,335
- What are you doing?
- Relax.

593
00:30:47,470 --> 00:30:51,141
Jesus, what is with you gays? Are you
really that repulsed by lady parts?

594
00:30:51,307 --> 00:30:53,560
What do you think I have down there,
a gnome?

595
00:30:59,566 --> 00:31:03,653
So nice. What is that, lavender?
It's pretty.

596
00:31:03,820 --> 00:31:06,614
What are you doing? Can you...?
Can you come here, please?

597
00:31:06,698 --> 00:31:08,867
Jacket off. Come on.

598
00:31:09,034 --> 00:31:12,662
All right. Come on.
Chop-chop. All right.

599
00:31:12,829 --> 00:31:15,206
Now grunt.
Grunt and make it convincing.

600
00:31:17,125 --> 00:31:19,919
I said grunt, not whine. Just grunt.

601
00:31:24,090 --> 00:31:26,593
Moan, you know? Like, sex noises.

602
00:31:28,595 --> 00:31:29,763
God, you are pathetic.

603
00:31:37,562 --> 00:31:39,439
Good. Good.

604
00:31:41,775 --> 00:31:44,152
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

605
00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:46,112
Oh, yeah.

606
00:31:46,279 --> 00:31:48,573
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

607
00:31:52,577 --> 00:31:55,329
- You don't have to be so aggressive.
- You don't like that?

608
00:31:55,413 --> 00:31:57,540
- No, I don't like that.
- You don't like that?

609
00:31:57,624 --> 00:31:58,917
How about that?

610
00:31:59,084 --> 00:32:00,984
- Little better.
- Yeah, you like that.

611
00:32:01,086 --> 00:32:02,796
I like that.

612
00:32:02,962 --> 00:32:05,924
- This guy, he's gay, no?
- I think he's gay.

613
00:32:06,091 --> 00:32:08,593
- Don't stop!
- Keep going.

614
00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:10,970
- Don't stop.
- I'm not gonna stop.

615
00:32:11,137 --> 00:32:12,430
I'm not gonna stop.

616
00:32:12,597 --> 00:32:13,973
Now you try. You try.

617
00:32:14,140 --> 00:32:18,311
I'm gonna turn you around
and take you from the back.

618
00:32:18,478 --> 00:32:20,980
That's not gonna make people
think you're straight.

619
00:32:21,147 --> 00:32:25,318
Never mind that gayness
because I'm a straight guy. Roar!

620
00:32:28,822 --> 00:32:31,324
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

621
00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:33,660
- That's awesome! That's perfect!
- Yeah!

622
00:32:33,827 --> 00:32:35,453
That's what I'm talking about!

623
00:32:35,829 --> 00:32:38,957
Do you smell that?
Do you smell us?

624
00:32:39,833 --> 00:32:41,835
Did he just say it smelled?

625
00:32:43,670 --> 00:32:45,020
Isn't it supposed to smell?

626
00:32:45,171 --> 00:32:47,021
You're not supposed to comment on it.

627
00:32:47,132 --> 00:32:51,594
- It doesn't really smell that bad.
- Oh, yeah. Yes, God!

628
00:32:51,761 --> 00:32:54,806
- Don't stop. Yeah!
- Don't stop. It's too much fun.

629
00:32:54,973 --> 00:32:57,273
- You ready for the grand finale?
- Yeah. What?

630
00:32:58,726 --> 00:33:02,564
Oh, yeah.

631
00:33:02,856 --> 00:33:03,940
Yeah.

632
00:33:07,986 --> 00:33:09,988
Come on.

633
00:33:10,155 --> 00:33:11,823
Oh, my God.

634
00:33:14,450 --> 00:33:17,662
Go forth, my son.
You're a man now.

635
00:33:19,205 --> 00:33:20,331
Hey.

636
00:33:21,833 --> 00:33:23,001
Thank you.

637
00:33:26,129 --> 00:33:29,132
Seriously, thanks.

638
00:33:37,807 --> 00:33:38,907
- Here.
- What is this?

639
00:33:39,184 --> 00:33:40,268
Evidence.

640
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:48,651
What's up?

641
00:33:53,573 --> 00:33:55,200
Hey, man.

642
00:33:55,742 --> 00:33:56,743
How was she?

643
00:33:56,910 --> 00:34:01,998
Well, well, let's just say
I'll be walking funny tomorrow.

644
00:34:02,165 --> 00:34:02,666
What?

645
00:34:02,750 --> 00:34:04,000
What?

646
00:34:04,667 --> 00:34:07,253
- I'm drunk. What's up, bitches?
- Yeah!

647
00:34:19,057 --> 00:34:21,768
- Whoa, hey.
- Todd, hi.

648
00:34:21,935 --> 00:34:24,478
I thought you were at
your cousin's rehearsal dinner.

649
00:34:24,562 --> 00:34:27,273
It was a quick rehearsal.
I only had one line.

650
00:34:27,941 --> 00:34:28,942
That was a joke.

651
00:34:29,984 --> 00:34:31,569
I know.

652
00:34:31,819 --> 00:34:33,863
Yeah, sorry. How's it going?

653
00:34:34,656 --> 00:34:34,865
You know, I'm...

654
00:34:34,949 --> 00:34:36,783
You know, I'm...

655
00:34:37,325 --> 00:34:39,118
- I'm here.
- Can I get you a beer?

656
00:34:39,285 --> 00:34:41,621
That rhymed. I liked it.

657
00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:43,539
Yeah.

658
00:34:52,882 --> 00:34:54,968
- I'm gonna go.
- You sure?

659
00:34:55,134 --> 00:34:59,138
- Yeah. Bye.
- See you at the salt mines.

660
00:34:59,472 --> 00:35:01,222
<i>Maybe this is gonna sound stupid,</i>

661
00:35:01,307 --> 00:35:04,810
and, believe me, it's not like
I was expecting, you know, fireworks,

662
00:35:04,894 --> 00:35:07,438
or a string quartet or anything...

663
00:35:08,356 --> 00:35:11,108
but I always thought pretending
to lose my virginity

664
00:35:11,192 --> 00:35:12,944
would be a little more

665
00:35:13,111 --> 00:35:15,238
I don't know, special?

666
00:35:16,322 --> 00:35:16,948
Judy Blume should've
prepared me for that.

667
00:35:17,032 --> 00:35:19,082
Judy Blume should've
prepared me for that.

668
00:35:26,666 --> 00:35:28,126
That is so beautiful.

669
00:35:28,293 --> 00:35:29,752
Never had one lesson.

670
00:35:29,919 --> 00:35:32,463
That boy from yesterday
just dropped this off for you.

671
00:35:32,547 --> 00:35:36,801
Well, put it in the pile of gifts
from my other suitors.

672
00:35:36,968 --> 00:35:39,762
- Thanks.
- He seems like a nice kid.

673
00:35:39,929 --> 00:35:41,973
He seemed a little incredibly gay.

674
00:35:42,140 --> 00:35:43,641
A dyed-in-the-wool homosexual,
that boy is.

675
00:35:43,725 --> 00:35:44,683
A dyed-in-the-wool homosexual,
that boy is.

676
00:35:44,767 --> 00:35:48,021
I just want you to know
your father and I are totally supportive.

677
00:35:48,187 --> 00:35:50,648
We love you no matter
what the sexual orientation

678
00:35:50,732 --> 00:35:52,524
of your opposite-sex sex partner.

679
00:35:52,608 --> 00:35:53,860
We're not dating, Mom.

680
00:35:54,027 --> 00:35:56,821
And don't worry about
not making us grandparents

681
00:35:56,988 --> 00:35:59,907
although we were kind of hoping
you'd get knocked up,

682
00:36:00,074 --> 00:36:02,452
so we'd have a second shot
at raising kids.

683
00:36:02,618 --> 00:36:04,829
Really do it right this time.

684
00:36:04,996 --> 00:36:08,166
- Bye now.
- I dated a homosexual once.

685
00:36:08,333 --> 00:36:11,544
For a long time, actually.
A long time.

686
00:36:11,711 --> 00:36:15,423
Dear God, dear Lord, tell me you did
not marry and have children with him.

687
00:36:15,590 --> 00:36:17,133
No.

688
00:36:17,300 --> 00:36:18,343
No, no, no.

689
00:36:18,509 --> 00:36:20,553
Your father is as straight as they come.

690
00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:23,056
A little too straight,
if you know what I mean.

691
00:36:23,222 --> 00:36:25,725
I don't. Can you shut the door, please?

692
00:36:28,853 --> 00:36:31,439
Okay, door's right over there.
Keep going.

693
00:36:31,606 --> 00:36:35,985
- Take it down.
- Go take that out to Dad. Nice.

694
00:36:42,617 --> 00:36:46,746
"Just in case you don't shop at Target.
Then you can go screw yourself.

695
00:36:46,913 --> 00:36:48,498
Brandon."

696
00:36:56,589 --> 00:36:57,632
Hi, Rhi.

697
00:36:57,799 --> 00:37:01,052
Is it true you got with Brandon
at Melody Dipshit's party?

698
00:37:01,803 --> 00:37:03,721
Is that what people are saying happened?

699
00:37:03,805 --> 00:37:06,766
<i>That's what everyone is saying happened.</i>

700
00:37:06,933 --> 00:37:09,811
Well, then I guess that...
I guess that's true.

701
00:37:09,977 --> 00:37:12,980
Just because you lost your virginity
doesn't mean you can go

702
00:37:13,064 --> 00:37:16,776
- throwing your cat at everybody.
- I'm not throwing my cat at everybody.

703
00:37:16,943 --> 00:37:19,946
I had to hear from Jackie Rudetsky.

704
00:37:20,113 --> 00:37:21,864
<i>Do you know how embarrassing that is?</i>

705
00:37:21,948 --> 00:37:26,285
Finding out you slept with some
gay dude from Jackie Rudetsky?

706
00:37:26,452 --> 00:37:27,829
Must've been embarrassing.

707
00:37:27,995 --> 00:37:29,830
<i>Why didn't you tell me you were going?</i>

708
00:37:29,914 --> 00:37:31,916
I would've come with and held your hair.

709
00:37:32,083 --> 00:37:34,293
Are you really making this
about you right now?

710
00:37:34,377 --> 00:37:38,047
- You're starting to get a reputation.
- You're coming off as a little pious.

711
00:37:38,131 --> 00:37:39,923
You're pissing me off more than usual.

712
00:37:40,007 --> 00:37:41,968
<i>I think it's a best friend's duty</i>

713
00:37:42,135 --> 00:37:46,472
to let her know that everyone, and
I do mean everyone, is calling her

714
00:37:46,639 --> 00:37:48,224
a dirty skank.

715
00:37:48,766 --> 00:37:52,145
Well, do you think I'm a dirty skank?

716
00:37:52,311 --> 00:37:55,231
You know, I didn't wanna believe it,
but I guess it's true.

717
00:37:55,398 --> 00:37:58,151
<i>That is your identifier.</i>

718
00:37:58,317 --> 00:38:00,736
And you're a jealous virgin.

719
00:38:00,903 --> 00:38:02,071
So...

720
00:38:03,948 --> 00:38:05,992
<i>People thought I was a dirty skank?</i>

721
00:38:06,159 --> 00:38:09,328
<i>Fine, I'd be the dirtiest skank
they'd ever seen.</i>

722
00:38:31,684 --> 00:38:33,352
Shit.

723
00:38:38,191 --> 00:38:41,527
Is everything all right? It sounds like
you're having sex in here

724
00:38:41,611 --> 00:38:45,280
which can't be true, due to the fact
that you have a homosexual boyfriend.

725
00:38:45,364 --> 00:38:47,783
He's not my boyfriend.

726
00:38:47,950 --> 00:38:51,662
Hey, no judgment.
All God's children. It's fine.

727
00:38:51,829 --> 00:38:54,540
I was gay once for a while.

728
00:38:54,707 --> 00:38:57,877
No big deal. We all do it. It's okay.

729
00:38:58,044 --> 00:39:00,044
Dad, can you just shut the door, please?

730
00:39:00,129 --> 00:39:01,214
You all right, buddy?

731
00:39:03,508 --> 00:39:05,051
Yeah.

732
00:39:06,052 --> 00:39:07,637
Give them hell.

733
00:39:52,932 --> 00:39:54,767
- Hey, Anson.
- Hey.

734
00:39:54,934 --> 00:39:59,646
I just realized the funniest thing.
My name is an anagram for "I love."

735
00:39:59,730 --> 00:40:00,981
I just realized the funniest thing.
My name is an anagram for "I love."

736
00:40:01,065 --> 00:40:03,442
What's a...? What's an anagram?

737
00:40:03,776 --> 00:40:04,902
Look it up, big boy.

738
00:40:06,112 --> 00:40:07,446
What's your problem?

739
00:40:07,613 --> 00:40:09,281
You wanna know what my problem is?

740
00:40:09,365 --> 00:40:13,202
No. That was a rhetorical question.
I don't wanna know anything from you.

741
00:40:13,369 --> 00:40:15,371
We are not friends anymore.

742
00:40:15,538 --> 00:40:17,331
We are officially over.

743
00:40:17,498 --> 00:40:18,958
Oh, rats.

744
00:40:19,125 --> 00:40:23,337
I want my Juicy sweatshirt back. It was
too loose around your chest anyway.

745
00:40:23,504 --> 00:40:25,548
Burn.

746
00:40:25,923 --> 00:40:27,633
- Stop.
- What?

747
00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:48,988
What are you doing?

748
00:40:50,156 --> 00:40:51,782
Nothing.

749
00:40:55,453 --> 00:40:57,955
Don't forget, tomorrow's Earth Day.

750
00:40:58,664 --> 00:41:02,335
Guys, we have a problem:
Olive Penderghast.

751
00:41:02,501 --> 00:41:04,170
- We need to pray for her.
- Amen.

752
00:41:04,337 --> 00:41:06,922
But we also need to
get her the hell out of here.

753
00:41:07,089 --> 00:41:08,132
Amen.

754
00:41:08,299 --> 00:41:10,509
You heard what happened
at Melody Bostic's.

755
00:41:10,676 --> 00:41:13,637
- I was there. I heard the whole thing.
- That's not something

756
00:41:13,721 --> 00:41:16,682
- you need to advertise, Kurt.
- Sorry. But I was.

757
00:41:16,849 --> 00:41:21,020
I tried to witness to her, but this girl
is defiant to any type of help.

758
00:41:21,187 --> 00:41:23,939
Anybody here think they can
talk to her, get her to see

759
00:41:24,023 --> 00:41:26,067
what she's doing is wrong?

760
00:41:28,694 --> 00:41:31,947
- It's okay.
- I'm sorry, you guys. This is so stupid.

761
00:41:32,114 --> 00:41:35,451
No, it's not, Marianne. It's real.

762
00:41:35,618 --> 00:41:36,785
- It's real.
- Yeah, it is.

763
00:41:36,869 --> 00:41:38,746
Jesus tells us to love everyone.

764
00:41:38,913 --> 00:41:43,501
I mean, even the whores and
the homosexuals, but it's just so hard.

765
00:41:43,668 --> 00:41:48,214
It's so hard because they keep
doing it over and over again.

766
00:41:49,590 --> 00:41:50,966
Make me a promise.

767
00:41:51,133 --> 00:41:53,719
Make God a promise,
right here and right now

768
00:41:53,886 --> 00:41:56,847
that we will remain
pure and chaste until marriage.

769
00:41:57,014 --> 00:41:58,057
We promise.

770
00:41:58,224 --> 00:42:01,560
Awesome, awesome, awesome.

771
00:42:01,727 --> 00:42:06,107
I love you guys. God loves you guys.
Now, let's change lives today.

772
00:42:06,273 --> 00:42:08,317
- Micah?
- Let's do it.

773
00:42:32,883 --> 00:42:35,052
<i>I didn't know what they
were so upset about.</i>

774
00:42:35,219 --> 00:42:38,097
<i>I put an A on my wardrobe
just like they asked.</i>

775
00:42:38,264 --> 00:42:41,683
<i>Maybe it was because I was wearing
clothes that were two sizes too small.</i>

776
00:42:41,767 --> 00:42:43,102
Hey, Olive!

777
00:42:45,312 --> 00:42:48,065
You left your glass slipper
at the party the other night.

778
00:42:48,149 --> 00:42:51,402
Yeah, and I got pumpkin
all over my dress too.

779
00:42:52,403 --> 00:42:54,780
Nice. Solid joke.

780
00:42:54,947 --> 00:42:57,574
It sucks because we could've
revisited Melody's bedroom.

781
00:42:57,658 --> 00:42:59,758
Oh, my God,
that was Melody Bostic's house.

782
00:42:59,910 --> 00:43:02,621
- Yeah.
- I can't believe you remember that.

783
00:43:02,788 --> 00:43:06,292
Well, yeah, come on. Who doesn't
remember their first almost-kiss?

784
00:43:08,961 --> 00:43:10,421
Hey, Olive.

785
00:43:10,588 --> 00:43:12,298
Evan. Hey, what's rocking?

786
00:43:12,465 --> 00:43:14,015
Can I talk to you for a second?

787
00:43:14,133 --> 00:43:15,843
Yeah, what's up?

788
00:43:16,302 --> 00:43:18,929
Don't get mad, but Brandon told me
what you did for him.

789
00:43:19,013 --> 00:43:22,808
Oh, well, rest assured,
it was equally as thrilling for me.

790
00:43:22,975 --> 00:43:24,769
No, he told me the truth.

791
00:43:25,895 --> 00:43:28,195
I was just hoping
you could do the same for me?

792
00:43:28,522 --> 00:43:29,940
Goodbye, Evan.

793
00:43:30,107 --> 00:43:32,902
Wait, wait. I can pay you.

794
00:43:33,068 --> 00:43:35,863
I am about six seconds away
from slapping you so hard

795
00:43:36,030 --> 00:43:39,130
- your teeth will bleed.
- Can you do it in front of everyone?

796
00:43:40,868 --> 00:43:43,370
I don't need your permission, you know.

797
00:43:45,623 --> 00:43:46,832
What?

798
00:43:46,999 --> 00:43:49,627
I mean, at the rate you're going

799
00:43:49,794 --> 00:43:51,962
I don't see how people won't believe it.

800
00:43:52,129 --> 00:43:54,631
- Are you threatening me?
- I'll give you 100 bucks.

801
00:43:54,715 --> 00:43:56,133
You are repugnant.

802
00:43:57,009 --> 00:43:58,385
That's the problem.

803
00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:01,013
Never mind.

804
00:44:02,181 --> 00:44:04,183
I'm sorry I asked.

805
00:44:10,981 --> 00:44:13,067
I knew it wouldn't work.

806
00:44:13,609 --> 00:44:15,059
I'm just a fat piece of shit.

807
00:44:16,487 --> 00:44:18,447
When will high school end already?

808
00:44:24,036 --> 00:44:25,871
Shit.

809
00:44:26,038 --> 00:44:30,501
I want a $100 gift card deposited
into my locker by noon tomorrow.

810
00:44:30,668 --> 00:44:33,962
Preferably to the Gap, but I will
also take Amazon.com or OfficeMax.

811
00:44:34,046 --> 00:44:38,050
Actually, make it OfficeMax.
I have my eye on a label maker.

812
00:44:38,217 --> 00:44:40,845
We did not have sex, okay?

813
00:44:41,011 --> 00:44:44,139
I let you fondle my chest,
and it was a glorious moment for you

814
00:44:44,223 --> 00:44:47,393
unmatched by anything
you've experienced, including cake.

815
00:44:47,560 --> 00:44:48,602
Got it?

816
00:44:49,311 --> 00:44:51,730
Wait a minute.
A hundred bucks for second base?

817
00:44:51,897 --> 00:44:54,358
- Yeah.
- Doesn't that seem a little steep?

818
00:44:54,525 --> 00:44:58,237
Can we throw in, like, some
butt action or some pants rubbing?

819
00:44:58,404 --> 00:45:00,990
- What are you, 9?
- Whatever. Are you in?

820
00:45:03,033 --> 00:45:05,202
- Whatever.
- Deal, then.

821
00:45:05,995 --> 00:45:07,496
Thanks, Olive.

822
00:45:07,663 --> 00:45:09,372
You know, the sad thing is, Evan

823
00:45:09,456 --> 00:45:13,919
if you'd been a gentleman
and maybe asked me on a date

824
00:45:14,086 --> 00:45:15,296
I might've said yes.

825
00:45:15,462 --> 00:45:18,090
Really?
Do you wanna go out with me?

826
00:45:18,257 --> 00:45:19,800
Not now I don't, shit-dick.

827
00:45:23,429 --> 00:45:27,182
<i>It should come as no surprise that the
rumor I was soliciting sex for money</i>

828
00:45:27,266 --> 00:45:29,518
<i>spread around the school faster than...</i>

829
00:45:29,685 --> 00:45:31,061
<i>Well, faster than the first rumor
about me spread.</i>

830
00:45:31,145 --> 00:45:33,595
<i>Well, faster than the first rumor
about me spread.</i>

831
00:45:36,400 --> 00:45:38,235
Guys, come over here.

832
00:46:04,970 --> 00:46:07,220
She'll do stuff for money.
Around the world...

833
00:46:07,306 --> 00:46:10,476
<i>But for people who knew the truth,
I was open for business.</i>

834
00:46:10,643 --> 00:46:15,105
<i>And whether I liked it or not,
I had a lot of customers.</i>

835
00:46:16,315 --> 00:46:18,651
<i>Phil Lord gave me
100 bucks from Best Buy,</i>

836
00:46:18,817 --> 00:46:21,361
<i>so he could tell people
we hooked up behind the library.</i>

837
00:46:21,445 --> 00:46:22,404
<i>...so he could tell people
we hooked up behind the library.</i>

838
00:46:22,488 --> 00:46:25,240
<i>I got $50 from T.J. Maxx
so that Eric Ling could say</i>

839
00:46:25,407 --> 00:46:28,035
<i>we got it on during Chemistry.</i>

840
00:46:28,369 --> 00:46:31,956
<i>Ninety dollars from Panda Express
so Ryan Dukes could tell people</i>

841
00:46:32,122 --> 00:46:35,834
<i>I showed him mine,
but he did not show me his.</i>

842
00:46:36,001 --> 00:46:38,295
<i>Chris Miller, big spender that he is</i>

843
00:46:38,462 --> 00:46:42,007
<i>gave me $40 worth of movie passes
for my pretend cowbell.</i>

844
00:46:42,174 --> 00:46:44,551
<i>They had an expiration date
and were only good</i>

845
00:46:44,635 --> 00:46:46,553
<i>at the stupid foreign movie theater.</i>

846
00:46:46,637 --> 00:46:49,014
Hi. One for
<i>Der Scharlachrote Buchstabe.</i>

847
00:46:49,098 --> 00:46:52,643
Hi. One for
<i>Der Scharlachrote Buchstabe.</i>

848
00:46:52,810 --> 00:46:55,771
<i>But even that is better
than Sanjay Chandrasekhar.</i>

849
00:46:55,938 --> 00:47:00,067
Seriously? A coupon? Twenty percent
off to Bath and Body Works?

850
00:47:00,234 --> 00:47:03,404
Is that how much our imaginary tryst
meant to you?

851
00:47:03,779 --> 00:47:05,364
I fake rocked your world.

852
00:47:05,531 --> 00:47:08,116
- It's all I can afford.
- How's that my problem, amigo?

853
00:47:08,200 --> 00:47:11,286
<i>I knew he wasn't Latino,
but for some reason all these shady</i>

854
00:47:11,370 --> 00:47:12,954
<i>backdoor deals
had me talking like Carlito.</i>

855
00:47:13,038 --> 00:47:13,955
<i>...backdoor deals
had me talking like Carlito.</i>

856
00:47:14,039 --> 00:47:16,166
- Beat it, <i>ese.</i>
- Okay.

857
00:47:16,333 --> 00:47:18,293
<i>Whatever happened to chivalry?</i>

858
00:47:18,460 --> 00:47:21,380
Does it only exist in '80s movies?

859
00:47:21,547 --> 00:47:25,634
<i>I want John Cusack holding
a boombox outside my window.</i>

860
00:47:25,801 --> 00:47:28,451
<i>I wanna ride off on a lawn mower
with Patrick Dempsey.</i>

861
00:47:28,887 --> 00:47:32,683
<i>I want Jake from</i> Sixteen Candles
<i>waiting outside the church for me.</i>

862
00:47:32,850 --> 00:47:35,602
<i>I want Judd Nelson
thrusting his fist into the air</i>

863
00:47:35,769 --> 00:47:37,269
<i>because he knows he got me.</i>

864
00:47:37,396 --> 00:47:40,357
<i>Just once, I want my life
to be like an '80s movie.</i>

865
00:47:40,941 --> 00:47:43,736
<i>Preferably one with a really awesome
musical number,</i>

866
00:47:43,902 --> 00:47:45,946
<i>for no apparent reason.</i>

867
00:47:46,488 --> 00:47:51,035
But, no. No.
John Hughes did not direct my life.

868
00:47:51,201 --> 00:47:53,996
So instead of all that

869
00:47:54,163 --> 00:47:57,374
I get to save 1 <i>5</i> cents

870
00:47:57,541 --> 00:48:00,377
on a bottle of Juniper Breeze
Antibacterial Gel.

871
00:48:00,544 --> 00:48:04,840
So if you're still with me,
and I'm hoping that most of you are

872
00:48:05,007 --> 00:48:07,760
this brings us to part four.

873
00:48:09,261 --> 00:48:12,598
How I, Olive Penderghast,
went from assumed trollop

874
00:48:12,765 --> 00:48:14,433
to an actual home-wrecker.

875
00:48:16,769 --> 00:48:20,606
- You wanted to see me?
- I did. Why don't you come in here?

876
00:48:28,113 --> 00:48:29,156
What's going on?

877
00:48:29,948 --> 00:48:32,618
- I'm accessorizing.
- Really?

878
00:48:32,785 --> 00:48:36,385
I think you're taking your reading
assignment a little bit too seriously.

879
00:48:36,497 --> 00:48:39,875
Well, I was really hoping
to get an A. Get it?

880
00:48:42,920 --> 00:48:44,296
I'm hearing some rumors.

881
00:48:44,463 --> 00:48:47,713
Well, those are true. I am considering
becoming an existentialist.

882
00:48:47,841 --> 00:48:50,427
- You know what I'm talking about.
- Jeez.

883
00:48:50,594 --> 00:48:54,890
When did teachers become
privy to idle adolescent gossip?

884
00:48:55,057 --> 00:49:00,896
That would be when everyone
is putting everything up on Facebook.

885
00:49:01,063 --> 00:49:03,565
I don't know what
your generation's fascination is

886
00:49:03,649 --> 00:49:06,026
with documenting your every thought,

887
00:49:06,193 --> 00:49:09,404
but I can assure you
they're not all diamonds.

888
00:49:09,571 --> 00:49:10,031
"Roman is having an okay day...

889
00:49:10,115 --> 00:49:11,990
"Roman is having an okay day,

890
00:49:12,157 --> 00:49:16,328
and bought a Coke Zero
at the gas station.

891
00:49:16,495 --> 00:49:17,913
Raise the roof."

892
00:49:18,080 --> 00:49:19,331
Who gives a rat's ass?

893
00:49:19,498 --> 00:49:20,331
He got a Coke Zero again?

894
00:49:20,415 --> 00:49:21,834
He got a Coke Zero again?

895
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:24,169
That Roman. Incorrigible.

896
00:49:24,336 --> 00:49:28,048
Listen, whatever this little act is about,
I just... I'm curious.

897
00:49:28,215 --> 00:49:31,165
I really think you should consider
giving me extra credit,

898
00:49:31,301 --> 00:49:32,677
for going the extra mile.

899
00:49:32,761 --> 00:49:35,847
I'm really attempting to understand
this puritanical ostracism

900
00:49:35,931 --> 00:49:39,059
- Hawthorne wrote about.
- You are one of the few that read it.

901
00:49:39,143 --> 00:49:41,843
If I read one more paper
from one of your classmates

902
00:49:41,979 --> 00:49:46,608
who talks about how hot she is in
the bathtub, her fake British accent,

903
00:49:46,775 --> 00:49:50,821
or, is she still married to
Ashton Kutcher, I'm gonna kill myself.

904
00:49:50,988 --> 00:49:53,838
Why don't people just watch
the original movie like I did?

905
00:49:54,241 --> 00:49:55,659
I know you read the book.

906
00:49:56,702 --> 00:49:57,870
I did.

907
00:49:58,036 --> 00:50:01,486
Listen, I want to apologize for
sending you to the principal's office.

908
00:50:01,623 --> 00:50:04,126
Truthfully, and I'll deny it
if you say anything

909
00:50:04,293 --> 00:50:07,128
I wanted to be cheering
with the rest of the students.

910
00:50:07,212 --> 00:50:09,715
I don't know what it is about Nina.

911
00:50:10,007 --> 00:50:11,633
I hate her.

912
00:50:11,800 --> 00:50:12,843
I won't tell.

913
00:50:13,010 --> 00:50:14,511
- I'll deny it if you do.
- Okay.

914
00:50:14,595 --> 00:50:16,722
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

915
00:50:16,889 --> 00:50:18,515
Stay golden.

916
00:50:18,682 --> 00:50:22,227
- Hi, Mrs. Griffith.
- Hi, you. How are you?

917
00:50:22,394 --> 00:50:24,730
A is for "awesome."

918
00:50:24,897 --> 00:50:26,440
Yeah.

919
00:50:27,065 --> 00:50:28,775
I've never seen that girl before.

920
00:50:28,942 --> 00:50:30,819
That does not surprise me.

921
00:50:30,986 --> 00:50:33,988
But I'm the guidance counselor.
I should know all the students.

922
00:50:34,072 --> 00:50:36,575
Especially the ones
who dress like prostitutes.

923
00:50:36,742 --> 00:50:39,453
- It's good to see you.
- Hey. How are you? Good.

924
00:50:40,245 --> 00:50:43,916
No, stop. We're at school.
There are rules.

925
00:50:44,082 --> 00:50:46,418
- Windows.
- Yeah, yeah.

926
00:50:46,710 --> 00:50:48,754
Do me a favor, though.
Just talk to her.

927
00:50:48,921 --> 00:50:50,721
I think she's going through a phase.

928
00:50:50,881 --> 00:50:53,431
That's not the girl
everyone's talking about, is it?

929
00:50:53,592 --> 00:50:54,593
It is.

930
00:50:54,760 --> 00:50:57,387
Oh, okay. Oh, this'll be good.
All right.

931
00:50:57,554 --> 00:51:00,015
That snotty, Jesus-freak
office aide I have

932
00:51:00,182 --> 00:51:02,225
has been bitching about her incessantly.

933
00:51:02,309 --> 00:51:06,605
They're all lies, but she could use
somebody to talk to anyway.

934
00:51:06,772 --> 00:51:09,422
All right. Hey, what are you doing
for dinner tonight?

935
00:51:09,524 --> 00:51:11,068
- You won't be there?
- Sorry.

936
00:51:11,235 --> 00:51:14,285
I have an after-school session.
Kid brought a knife to school.

937
00:51:14,446 --> 00:51:15,822
Well, be careful, all right?

938
00:51:15,906 --> 00:51:18,367
It was a butter knife.
But you know what they say.

939
00:51:18,533 --> 00:51:19,076
You know, it's a gateway knife, so...

940
00:51:19,160 --> 00:51:20,577
You know, it's a gateway knife, so...

941
00:51:20,661 --> 00:51:22,162
- All right, bye.
- Yeah. Bye.

942
00:51:22,329 --> 00:51:25,082
I'm thinking about another gateway.
It's a...

943
00:51:27,918 --> 00:51:28,961
Making spaghetti.

944
00:51:29,127 --> 00:51:31,046
- That's great.
- With meat.

945
00:51:31,213 --> 00:51:32,547
Enjoy eating your meat.

946
00:51:32,714 --> 00:51:35,425
- And balls.
- Enjoy eating your balls.

947
00:51:45,310 --> 00:51:46,687
Sharpening your pencils?

948
00:51:48,188 --> 00:51:49,606
Getting them nice and sharp?

949
00:51:50,274 --> 00:51:54,569
Sharpening them up? Look at you.
Look at you. So sharp.

950
00:51:54,736 --> 00:51:57,030
Sharpening those pencils.
Sharp, sharp, sharp.

951
00:51:57,489 --> 00:52:00,489
- God, that's sharp. I...
- Hey, Olive. You ready to come in?

952
00:52:03,328 --> 00:52:04,371
Good job.

953
00:52:04,538 --> 00:52:07,207
Well, the reason I called you in
was just so we could

954
00:52:07,291 --> 00:52:10,168
sort of, you know, just chat
about what's going on.

955
00:52:10,335 --> 00:52:12,985
You know, there is concern
from a few faculty members.

956
00:52:13,130 --> 00:52:14,631
Your husband.

957
00:52:14,798 --> 00:52:17,301
Olive, you're attempting
to make a statement.

958
00:52:17,467 --> 00:52:20,679
I'm just a little confused
as to what exactly that is.

959
00:52:21,305 --> 00:52:22,347
Am I in trouble?

960
00:52:22,514 --> 00:52:25,014
Because, pursuant
to the student code of conduct

961
00:52:25,142 --> 00:52:27,842
my hemline has never been
higher than my fingertips.

962
00:52:27,978 --> 00:52:29,313
No, you're not in trouble.

963
00:52:29,479 --> 00:52:31,105
I wanted to make sure you knew

964
00:52:31,189 --> 00:52:33,650
if there's something
that you wanna talk about

965
00:52:33,734 --> 00:52:35,527
you know, you can trust me.

966
00:52:35,694 --> 00:52:38,905
If I open up to you, do you promise
this stays in confidence?

967
00:52:38,989 --> 00:52:40,615
If I open up to you, do you promise
this stays in confidence?

968
00:52:40,699 --> 00:52:43,076
Yeah. I'm... See?
I'm the guidance counselor.

969
00:52:43,243 --> 00:52:44,619
That's what I do.

970
00:52:45,037 --> 00:52:47,039
I mean, I have a reputation to uphold.

971
00:52:47,205 --> 00:52:48,373
Don't you, though?

972
00:52:50,876 --> 00:52:54,880
All right, listen, don't tell anyone
I'm doing this, please.

973
00:52:55,047 --> 00:52:56,173
Here you go.

974
00:52:56,340 --> 00:52:58,299
- Here you go.
- I really don't need those.

975
00:52:58,383 --> 00:53:01,762
Oh, you really do. Here you go.

976
00:53:01,928 --> 00:53:03,513
Here you go. Okay?

977
00:53:03,680 --> 00:53:07,434
I just don't want this thing you're
going through to define your life.

978
00:53:07,601 --> 00:53:09,311
Olive, do what you gotta do. Okay?

979
00:53:09,478 --> 00:53:13,982
Let your freak flag fly. Just make sure
you have an exit strategy.

980
00:53:14,733 --> 00:53:18,111
Listen, Mrs. Griffith, I really...
I don't need these.

981
00:53:18,278 --> 00:53:20,697
The pill is not 100 percent effective.

982
00:53:20,864 --> 00:53:22,657
Ask some of your friends' parents.

983
00:53:23,700 --> 00:53:25,410
Thank you for coming in.

984
00:53:28,747 --> 00:53:32,000
Can you just send in the next person?
Thank you.

985
00:53:35,629 --> 00:53:37,255
You're up, hoss.

986
00:53:37,798 --> 00:53:40,342
Okay. Go. It's all right.

987
00:53:42,594 --> 00:53:44,888
Everything's gonna be okay.

988
00:53:51,353 --> 00:53:54,981
Don't you think it's a little strange
that your boyfriend is 22 years old,

989
00:53:55,065 --> 00:53:58,276
- and still in high school?
- Not that it's any of your business,

990
00:53:58,360 --> 00:53:59,760
but he is here by choice.

991
00:53:59,903 --> 00:54:03,865
It's his choice he's a fourth-year senior
that can't pass any test he takes?

992
00:54:04,032 --> 00:54:06,368
His choice. His? His?

993
00:54:06,535 --> 00:54:07,577
Capital H?

994
00:54:07,744 --> 00:54:11,294
If God wanted him to graduate, God
would've given him the right answers.

995
00:54:14,626 --> 00:54:17,170
I'm sorry.
You gotta be shitting me, woman.

996
00:54:17,629 --> 00:54:20,090
Okay. So why was he blubbering
like a baby?

997
00:54:21,174 --> 00:54:24,844
- Is he struggling with his sexuality?
- No, you insensitive rhymes-with-witch.

998
00:54:24,928 --> 00:54:28,056
His parents are going through a divorce.

999
00:54:31,476 --> 00:54:33,270
Okay.

1000
00:54:40,068 --> 00:54:41,527
You know,
sometimes our boyfriend's parents...

1001
00:54:41,611 --> 00:54:44,823
You know,
sometimes our boyfriend's parents

1002
00:54:44,990 --> 00:54:46,532
they get divorced, you know?

1003
00:54:46,616 --> 00:54:50,579
And it's important to remember
it's not your fault.

1004
00:54:50,745 --> 00:54:51,788
So I gotta go.

1005
00:54:53,165 --> 00:54:57,711
But they go to our church.
What will people say?

1006
00:55:02,007 --> 00:55:06,344
How long do these embraces usually
last? Because I gotta go, but I...

1007
00:55:06,511 --> 00:55:09,181
- Are you gonna be okay?
- Yes, I'm gonna be okay.

1008
00:55:09,347 --> 00:55:11,057
Mrs. Griffith is amazing,

1009
00:55:11,224 --> 00:55:14,978
and she's gonna help Micah,
and everything's gonna be okay.

1010
00:55:16,104 --> 00:55:19,816
See? All right, that's the spirit.
Everything's gonna be okay.

1011
00:55:19,983 --> 00:55:21,651
Okay.

1012
00:55:26,072 --> 00:55:28,992
Wait. Why are you even
being so nice to me?

1013
00:55:31,077 --> 00:55:32,996
I did it.

1014
00:55:34,039 --> 00:55:35,123
I got through to you.

1015
00:55:38,210 --> 00:55:41,129
I'm so sorry about everything I said.
I am so, so sorry.

1016
00:55:41,296 --> 00:55:45,509
I mean, I really want us to be friends.
Can we please be friends?

1017
00:55:46,343 --> 00:55:47,469
Absolutely.

1018
00:55:50,639 --> 00:55:53,892
<i>And for a day,
we were actually really good friends.</i>

1019
00:55:54,059 --> 00:55:57,061
<i>I was kind of starting to think
things were gonna turn around.</i>

1020
00:55:57,145 --> 00:55:58,939
Olive!

1021
00:55:59,105 --> 00:56:01,525
- Friend.
- Hey, friend.

1022
00:56:01,691 --> 00:56:03,484
- I missed you.
- Oh, I missed you more.

1023
00:56:03,568 --> 00:56:06,738
<i>She texted me in first period.</i>

1024
00:56:14,120 --> 00:56:16,831
<i>By second period,
we apparently had private jokes.</i>

1025
00:56:16,998 --> 00:56:19,209
Olive. Olive.

1026
00:56:22,879 --> 00:56:25,131
<i>Tragedy struck in Wood Shop.</i>

1027
00:56:25,298 --> 00:56:27,508
<i>It wasn't because
someone sawed off a thumb</i>

1028
00:56:27,592 --> 00:56:29,094
<i>which has happened.</i>

1029
00:56:29,261 --> 00:56:32,138
Micah is in the hospital.
He is in so much pain.

1030
00:56:32,305 --> 00:56:35,433
The nurse didn't know what was wrong.

1031
00:56:36,101 --> 00:56:38,103
There, there.

1032
00:56:45,235 --> 00:56:47,487
It hurts so bad, Mommy.

1033
00:56:47,654 --> 00:56:50,240
Well, it's just what I thought.
Chlamydia.

1034
00:56:50,532 --> 00:56:51,866
No.

1035
00:56:52,033 --> 00:56:55,620
Who have you been screwing?
Tell me.

1036
00:56:55,787 --> 00:56:59,791
Tell me now
or I will kill you right here.

1037
00:57:00,166 --> 00:57:03,295
Olive. Olive Penderghast!

1038
00:57:06,590 --> 00:57:09,217
Olive. Olive Penderghast.

1039
00:57:09,384 --> 00:57:11,720
I have to call you back.
Okay. Bye-bye.

1040
00:57:11,886 --> 00:57:14,097
Goddamn it.

1041
00:57:16,433 --> 00:57:18,560
Chlamydia?!

1042
00:57:20,812 --> 00:57:22,772
That bitch!

1043
00:57:24,983 --> 00:57:26,568
- Olive?
- Hey.

1044
00:57:28,653 --> 00:57:32,449
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Goddamn it.

1045
00:57:34,534 --> 00:57:35,660
<i>I panicked.</i>

1046
00:57:35,827 --> 00:57:38,747
I said I got it from Olive Penderghast.

1047
00:57:38,913 --> 00:57:42,042
I know, but what was I supposed to say?

1048
00:57:42,208 --> 00:57:44,878
You know, and then my mom
tells Marianne's mom.

1049
00:57:45,045 --> 00:57:47,714
I did. I tried to blame it
on their divorce,

1050
00:57:47,881 --> 00:57:50,967
but my mom is not buying it.

1051
00:57:51,509 --> 00:57:53,845
That's it. I have to tell them.

1052
00:57:54,012 --> 00:57:58,016
No, I do not care that you
gave me chlamydia. I don't!

1053
00:57:58,224 --> 00:58:02,729
I love you and I want to be with you,
and nobody can stop us.

1054
00:58:02,896 --> 00:58:06,775
<i>Not my mother, not Marianne,
and not even the school board,</i>

1055
00:58:06,941 --> 00:58:09,277
or the president of the Americas!

1056
00:58:10,195 --> 00:58:11,946
Oh, God.

1057
00:58:12,155 --> 00:58:13,865
Oh, God.

1058
00:58:18,870 --> 00:58:21,456
What? What do you want?
What do you want?

1059
00:58:21,623 --> 00:58:23,208
Just go.

1060
00:58:26,461 --> 00:58:28,505
Perfect. Just perfect.

1061
00:58:29,381 --> 00:58:32,300
I'm sorry, I just...
I was looking for Marianne.

1062
00:58:32,467 --> 00:58:34,510
Did she say anything
about being mad at me?

1063
00:58:34,594 --> 00:58:36,470
She just smacked the bejesus out of me.

1064
00:58:36,554 --> 00:58:39,432
No, that's my fault.
I'm so sorry, Olive. I'm sorry.

1065
00:58:39,599 --> 00:58:43,478
But I messed up, okay?
I just goddamn shit

1066
00:58:43,645 --> 00:58:48,149
goddamn messed up
really goddamn shit bad.

1067
00:58:48,316 --> 00:58:50,235
Goddamn. Shit, goddamn.

1068
00:58:50,402 --> 00:58:54,531
Okay. Don't get me wrong
because I love it,

1069
00:58:54,698 --> 00:58:58,492
but I don't think you're supposed to
use that language in front of a student.

1070
00:58:58,576 --> 00:59:01,662
You know what else you're not
supposed to do, is sleep with them.

1071
00:59:01,746 --> 00:59:03,998
But that didn't stop me. Goddamn shit.

1072
00:59:04,749 --> 00:59:07,502
Wait. You... Oh, my God.

1073
00:59:07,669 --> 00:59:11,089
But I'm not... I'm not judging
you or anything, but, oh, my God.

1074
00:59:11,256 --> 00:59:15,176
I... Wait, what does that
have to do with me?

1075
00:59:15,343 --> 00:59:17,511
You should know
that my marriage is not great.

1076
00:59:17,595 --> 00:59:19,347
We haven't slept together in months.

1077
00:59:19,431 --> 00:59:20,481
In months, all right?

1078
00:59:20,640 --> 00:59:24,686
Finally, this great-looking guy comes
in and he's nice to me, you know?

1079
00:59:24,853 --> 00:59:26,062
And he's not a minor.

1080
00:59:26,229 --> 00:59:30,442
This is legal. It's legal
because he's been here forever, okay?

1081
00:59:30,608 --> 00:59:33,403
He's not the sharpest
Christian in the Bible, all right?

1082
00:59:33,570 --> 00:59:36,781
And then he finds out
that he has chlamydia.

1083
00:59:36,948 --> 00:59:39,909
And so then he's telling
everybody that it was you.

1084
00:59:40,076 --> 00:59:41,786
He didn't want me to lose my job,

1085
00:59:41,953 --> 00:59:45,373
and he doesn't wanna get in trouble
either, so he said it's you.

1086
00:59:45,540 --> 00:59:46,750
I'm sorry.

1087
00:59:47,959 --> 00:59:51,003
But I'll... I'm gonna fix it, Olive.
Okay? I'll tell everyone.

1088
00:59:51,087 --> 00:59:55,967
I'm gonna tell everyone that it's me.
Okay? I'll just... I'll lose my job.

1089
00:59:56,468 --> 00:59:59,804
And, you know, whatever else I lose,
and then that's okay.

1090
01:00:03,475 --> 01:00:06,625
<i>Maybe it was becoming a habit
of mine to help the downtrodden,</i>

1091
01:00:06,728 --> 01:00:08,771
<i>or maybe I just couldn't stand to see</i>

1092
01:00:08,855 --> 01:00:10,856
<i>my favorite teacher's marriage crumble.</i>

1093
01:00:10,940 --> 01:00:13,151
<i>Either way, I decided to help.</i>

1094
01:00:13,651 --> 01:00:15,820
I could have chlamydia.

1095
01:00:17,363 --> 01:00:19,365
I mean, I could have easily given it
to Micah.

1096
01:00:19,449 --> 01:00:21,534
I mean, I could have easily given it
to Micah.

1097
01:00:21,618 --> 01:00:23,495
I mean, who knows?

1098
01:00:23,661 --> 01:00:26,581
Women often times don't show symptoms.

1099
01:00:26,748 --> 01:00:29,166
And the whole world knows
I've been whoring around.

1100
01:00:29,250 --> 01:00:30,876
No, you haven't. No, you haven't.

1101
01:00:30,960 --> 01:00:36,299
Because a real whore can't admit it
to herself, much less others. Trust me.

1102
01:00:39,260 --> 01:00:40,595
Call Micah.

1103
01:00:40,762 --> 01:00:44,140
Tell him he is an ass and
he owes me so big for this, but also

1104
01:00:44,307 --> 01:00:47,143
tell him I confessed
to giving him chlamydia.

1105
01:00:54,692 --> 01:00:57,195
Getting a lot of hugs today.

1106
01:00:57,821 --> 01:00:58,821
- You're going to hell, Olive!
- Get out of here!

1107
01:00:58,905 --> 01:01:01,305
- You're going to hell, Olive!
- Get out of here!

1108
01:01:02,909 --> 01:01:05,286
<i>I guess I shouldn't be too shocked
these people</i>

1109
01:01:05,370 --> 01:01:07,204
<i>wanted my diseased ass out of there.</i>

1110
01:01:07,288 --> 01:01:08,338
Save yourself, Olive.

1111
01:01:08,498 --> 01:01:11,417
<i>The funny thing is, the whole time
this all was going down</i>

1112
01:01:11,501 --> 01:01:14,628
<i>I couldn't help but think
I could've come up with better signs.</i>

1113
01:01:14,712 --> 01:01:16,630
<i>Although you gotta love the Quiznos guy.</i>

1114
01:01:16,714 --> 01:01:19,884
<i>That's the one thing
that trumps religion: Capitalism.</i>

1115
01:01:20,051 --> 01:01:21,469
Why are you doing this?

1116
01:01:21,636 --> 01:01:23,846
I'm trying to make this school
a better place.

1117
01:01:23,930 --> 01:01:26,224
Start a petition to get rid
of the lead paint.

1118
01:01:26,391 --> 01:01:27,808
New Honey Chicken at Quiznos.

1119
01:01:27,892 --> 01:01:30,144
- Not now, Quiznos.
- You're a slut.

1120
01:01:30,311 --> 01:01:31,561
You're going down, Olive.

1121
01:01:31,646 --> 01:01:35,065
If this is because I'm more popular
than you, then I think what you're...

1122
01:01:35,149 --> 01:01:36,525
Let's not mistake popularity for infamy.

1123
01:01:36,609 --> 01:01:37,735
Let's not mistake popularity for infamy.

1124
01:01:37,819 --> 01:01:40,697
- You don't wanna burn, do you?
- I'll be praying for you.

1125
01:01:45,743 --> 01:01:45,786
Sorry.

1126
01:01:45,870 --> 01:01:47,453
Sorry.

1127
01:01:48,079 --> 01:01:51,583
- You okay?
- Yeah. I'm awesome. I'm awesome.

1128
01:01:51,749 --> 01:01:53,251
Screw all these people, Olive.

1129
01:01:53,418 --> 01:01:55,587
Haven't you heard?

1130
01:01:55,753 --> 01:01:57,922
I already did.

1131
01:01:58,089 --> 01:02:01,092
- You're going to hell, Olive!
- What you're doing is wrong.

1132
01:02:01,426 --> 01:02:03,428
You're going to hell!

1133
01:02:08,266 --> 01:02:10,435
<i>So they got Rhiannon.</i>

1134
01:02:10,602 --> 01:02:13,855
<i>Never underestimate the power
of extremists like Marianne.</i>

1135
01:02:14,022 --> 01:02:17,775
<i>They sense any weakness,
they pounce like jungle cats.</i>

1136
01:02:17,942 --> 01:02:20,695
<i>And the whack pack
just gets bigger and bigger.</i>

1137
01:02:20,862 --> 01:02:22,947
<i>But at least they have a pack.</i>

1138
01:02:23,114 --> 01:02:26,993
<i>I was used to being by myself,
but I had never felt more alone.</i>

1139
01:02:27,160 --> 01:02:30,704
<i>I thought I should look into what they
were running around thumping about.</i>

1140
01:02:30,788 --> 01:02:31,956
- Do you have a religion section?
- It's over there.

1141
01:02:32,040 --> 01:02:33,165
- Do you have a religion section?
- It's over there.

1142
01:02:33,249 --> 01:02:35,334
- Can I help you with something?
- The Bible.

1143
01:02:35,418 --> 01:02:38,379
That's in bestsellers,
right next to <i>Twilight.</i>

1144
01:02:40,131 --> 01:02:42,342
<i>I didn't have time
to read the whole thing</i>

1145
01:02:42,508 --> 01:02:44,134
<i>because it's, like, 600 pages.</i>

1146
01:02:44,218 --> 01:02:45,720
<i>Single-spaced.</i>

1147
01:02:45,887 --> 01:02:48,556
<i>And as every war
that's ever been fought can tell you</i>

1148
01:02:48,640 --> 01:02:50,724
<i>there are many ways you can interpret it.</i>

1149
01:02:50,808 --> 01:02:52,852
<i>Except the Civil War.
That was pure racism.</i>

1150
01:02:52,936 --> 01:02:53,853
<i>Except the Civil War.
That was pure racism.</i>

1151
01:02:53,937 --> 01:02:55,337
<i>So I went to find an expert.</i>

1152
01:02:55,813 --> 01:02:59,817
<i>But really, I just kind of
wanted someone to talk to.</i>

1153
01:03:01,152 --> 01:03:04,822
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

1154
01:03:05,323 --> 01:03:07,324
I think that's how you
start these things.

1155
01:03:07,408 --> 01:03:09,661
I'm just going off
what I've seen in movies.

1156
01:03:09,827 --> 01:03:11,871
Where do I even start?

1157
01:03:13,081 --> 01:03:16,292
I've been pretending to be...

1158
01:03:16,459 --> 01:03:18,419
What is the Catholic way
of phrasing this?

1159
01:03:18,503 --> 01:03:20,338
A harlot?

1160
01:03:21,506 --> 01:03:25,176
A harlot. It's not that
I've actually been doing

1161
01:03:25,343 --> 01:03:29,013
the things that people have
been saying I've been doing,

1162
01:03:29,180 --> 01:03:31,390
but then again,
I'm not denying them either.

1163
01:03:31,474 --> 01:03:34,894
So I was just wondering, is that wrong?

1164
01:03:35,520 --> 01:03:40,024
It's just that a lot of people
have been asking me to do things,

1165
01:03:40,191 --> 01:03:46,364
and I thought it was okay
because it wasn't real, you know?

1166
01:03:48,116 --> 01:03:50,284
It was make-believe.

1167
01:03:50,451 --> 01:03:52,870
And no one was getting hurt...

1168
01:03:56,666 --> 01:03:59,752
but a lot of people hate me now.

1169
01:04:03,297 --> 01:04:05,758
I kind of hate me too.

1170
01:04:11,723 --> 01:04:13,933
I might be wrong...

1171
01:04:14,726 --> 01:04:16,810
but aren't you supposed to say something?

1172
01:04:16,894 --> 01:04:18,994
Tell me to say 10 Hail Marys, pay a fine

1173
01:04:19,105 --> 01:04:21,607
advance token to nearest railroad?
Hello?

1174
01:04:23,901 --> 01:04:25,451
<i>Should've seen that one coming.</i>

1175
01:04:32,326 --> 01:04:35,705
<i>Luckily, I live in a town
with many different places of worship.</i>

1176
01:04:35,872 --> 01:04:38,416
<i>So I went to find one
with a real live human being.</i>

1177
01:04:38,833 --> 01:04:39,876
Can I help you?

1178
01:04:40,043 --> 01:04:42,793
Yeah, I was just wondering
if there's a minister around.

1179
01:04:43,337 --> 01:04:45,298
Is it not a minister?

1180
01:04:45,465 --> 01:04:47,508
A Reverend? A wizard?

1181
01:04:47,675 --> 01:04:49,552
It's a pastor, and he's here.

1182
01:04:51,179 --> 01:04:52,597
How can I help you today?

1183
01:04:52,764 --> 01:04:56,114
I was wondering what your church's
stance on lying and adultery was.

1184
01:04:56,267 --> 01:04:57,351
It's not a good thing.

1185
01:04:57,435 --> 01:05:01,773
Oh, I agree, wholeheartedly.
But, then... Now, tell me this.

1186
01:05:01,939 --> 01:05:03,357
Assuming there is a hell...

1187
01:05:03,524 --> 01:05:04,441
Oh, the Christian Church recognizes
the existence of hell.

1188
01:05:04,525 --> 01:05:06,735
Oh, the Christian Church recognizes
the existence of hell.

1189
01:05:06,819 --> 01:05:09,113
Okay, so we'll just say
there's a "hell."

1190
01:05:09,280 --> 01:05:11,407
There is. Just so we're clear.

1191
01:05:11,574 --> 01:05:15,124
- Okay. So for argument's sake...
- No, there's no argument. It's there.

1192
01:05:15,244 --> 01:05:18,831
Right below our feet,
right above the Orient. It's there.

1193
01:05:21,084 --> 01:05:24,754
Then what would be worse,
lying or adultery?

1194
01:05:24,921 --> 01:05:27,715
Or is lying about adultery
just like double whammy? Sorry.

1195
01:05:27,799 --> 01:05:29,300
Come on.

1196
01:05:32,220 --> 01:05:34,270
I'm sorry,
what did you say your name was?

1197
01:05:34,847 --> 01:05:38,309
I didn't. I... You know what?
I'm just gonna...

1198
01:05:38,476 --> 01:05:40,812
I'm just gonna go check out
Judaism because...

1199
01:05:40,978 --> 01:05:42,980
- God. Two frames, really?
- Sorry.

1200
01:05:43,147 --> 01:05:45,274
The Jews and I have a lot in common.

1201
01:05:45,441 --> 01:05:48,194
- Just fashion-wise and stuff.
- Off you go.

1202
01:05:48,361 --> 01:05:48,862
<i>Yes, I had unwittingly sought advice
from the father...</i>

1203
01:05:48,946 --> 01:05:51,488
<i>Yes, I had unwittingly sought advice
from the father</i>

1204
01:05:51,572 --> 01:05:53,658
<i>of the leader of my lynch mob.</i>

1205
01:05:53,825 --> 01:05:58,955
<i>What other complete and total idiot
can say that's happened to them?</i>

1206
01:06:01,791 --> 01:06:05,253
Okay, I've narrowed it down
to <i>The Other Boleyn Girl</i>,

1207
01:06:05,419 --> 01:06:08,089
or <i>The Bucket List.</i> Huge hit.

1208
01:06:08,256 --> 01:06:11,206
Why can't we watch a movie for kids?
You always get to pick.

1209
01:06:11,342 --> 01:06:12,926
Because the Family Member
of the Week gets to pick the movie.

1210
01:06:13,010 --> 01:06:15,095
Because the Family Member
of the Week gets to pick the movie.

1211
01:06:15,179 --> 01:06:17,848
Yeah, but you get Family Member
of the Week every week.

1212
01:06:17,932 --> 01:06:19,433
And there's a reason for that.

1213
01:06:19,600 --> 01:06:22,270
Yeah. You pick
Family Member of the Week.

1214
01:06:22,436 --> 01:06:24,021
Are you accusing me of nepotism?

1215
01:06:24,105 --> 01:06:27,650
Okay, it's <i>The Bucket List.</i>
This is it. This is the greatest decision.

1216
01:06:27,817 --> 01:06:30,945
I'm so happy with this decision.
That's what it's going to be.

1217
01:06:31,112 --> 01:06:34,073
All right, now, honey, after we watch
<i>The Bucket List</i>

1218
01:06:34,240 --> 01:06:38,118
remember to cross "Watch
<i>The Bucket List"</i> off our bucket list.

1219
01:06:38,202 --> 01:06:38,786
...remember to cross "Watch
<i>The Bucket List"</i> off our bucket list.

1220
01:06:38,953 --> 01:06:39,996
Guys.

1221
01:06:40,163 --> 01:06:45,293
I want you to know that if you hear
I have chlamydia, that is totally false.

1222
01:06:45,459 --> 01:06:47,962
Olive, do we need to have the talk again?

1223
01:06:48,129 --> 01:06:50,506
No. It's just a thing
that's going around.

1224
01:06:50,673 --> 01:06:53,634
You know, nothing you're saying
is making me feel any better.

1225
01:06:53,718 --> 01:06:56,470
Not to mention how you've been
dressing the last few days.

1226
01:06:56,554 --> 01:06:58,514
No judgment,
but you look like a stripper.

1227
01:06:58,598 --> 01:07:01,058
- Mom.
- A high-end stripper.

1228
01:07:01,225 --> 01:07:02,852
For governors or athletes.

1229
01:07:03,019 --> 01:07:04,353
But stripper, nonetheless.

1230
01:07:04,520 --> 01:07:07,190
Oh, my God.
I'm just trying to mix it up a little.

1231
01:07:07,356 --> 01:07:09,150
And I have no STDs, I promise you.

1232
01:07:09,317 --> 01:07:11,777
Oh, that's great.
Daughter of the Year.

1233
01:07:11,944 --> 01:07:13,821
If you hear anything to the contrary

1234
01:07:13,905 --> 01:07:16,198
come up with some funny retort
and walk away.

1235
01:07:16,282 --> 01:07:19,076
Honey, you're kind of
starting to worry us a little.

1236
01:07:19,243 --> 01:07:21,245
Should we be kind of worried a little?

1237
01:07:21,412 --> 01:07:23,247
I don't think so.

1238
01:07:23,414 --> 01:07:26,375
- You sure?
- Yeah.

1239
01:07:26,626 --> 01:07:29,420
Yeah. I got it all under control.

1240
01:07:30,630 --> 01:07:31,672
- Okay.
- Okay.

1241
01:07:31,839 --> 01:07:34,008
Then let's <i>Bucket List</i> this bitch.

1242
01:07:34,175 --> 01:07:36,010
<i>The Bucket List, The Bucket List.</i>

1243
01:07:36,177 --> 01:07:38,577
To say this whole thing
had taken over my life

1244
01:07:38,721 --> 01:07:41,182
would be a colossal understatement.

1245
01:07:41,390 --> 01:07:44,685
<i>I actually reread</i> The Scarlet Letter
<i>to see how Hester dealt with it.</i>

1246
01:07:44,769 --> 01:07:49,607
<i>And it turns out she bore
her punishment in humble silence</i>

1247
01:07:49,774 --> 01:07:52,944
which are two concepts
I am not comfortable with.

1248
01:07:53,110 --> 01:07:55,321
<i>With all the mythical play I was getting</i>

1249
01:07:55,488 --> 01:07:58,491
<i>I still actually hadn't been
asked out on a real date.</i>

1250
01:07:58,658 --> 01:08:01,744
<i>People were jumping up and down
to say they'd slept with me,</i>

1251
01:08:01,911 --> 01:08:04,454
<i>but no one bothered
really trying to sleep with me.</i>

1252
01:08:04,538 --> 01:08:07,541
<i>I was starting to think I actually did
have a gnome down there.</i>

1253
01:08:07,625 --> 01:08:10,002
<i>- Until finally...</i>
- Hey, Olive.

1254
01:08:10,628 --> 01:08:12,380
Hey, Anson. What's up?

1255
01:08:12,546 --> 01:08:14,674
I was wondering if you were busy tonight.

1256
01:08:14,840 --> 01:08:17,760
Maybe wanna go out or something?

1257
01:08:18,928 --> 01:08:20,388
What did you have in mind?

1258
01:08:20,554 --> 01:08:23,348
I was thinking about getting
a hot-air balloon, you know

1259
01:08:23,432 --> 01:08:25,182
bringing along some champagne,

1260
01:08:25,309 --> 01:08:27,019
and then possibly reading
some Sylvia Plath.

1261
01:08:27,103 --> 01:08:28,729
...and then possibly reading
some Sylvia Plath.

1262
01:08:28,813 --> 01:08:32,191
Or we could just go to The Lobster Shack

1263
01:08:32,358 --> 01:08:34,458
because it's, you know, a little easier.

1264
01:08:34,568 --> 01:08:37,697
- I love The Lobster Shack.
- Good.

1265
01:08:37,863 --> 01:08:39,323
Okay. It's a date, then.

1266
01:08:40,491 --> 01:08:43,077
- Okay.
- Okay.

1267
01:08:44,787 --> 01:08:47,540
So should I still bring
the Sylvia Plath or...?

1268
01:08:47,707 --> 01:08:49,750
No, we could stick our heads in the oven

1269
01:08:49,834 --> 01:08:51,293
if we run out of things to talk about.

1270
01:08:51,377 --> 01:08:52,586
...if we run out of things
to talk about.

1271
01:08:52,670 --> 01:08:53,671
That was...

1272
01:08:53,838 --> 01:08:55,798
- Cool. All right. Well...
- Cool.

1273
01:09:04,682 --> 01:09:05,982
You look really beautiful.

1274
01:09:06,142 --> 01:09:07,852
Thank you.

1275
01:09:10,021 --> 01:09:11,731
- You're a real gentleman.
- No.

1276
01:09:11,897 --> 01:09:16,402
Just a guy having dinner with a girl.

1277
01:09:27,663 --> 01:09:31,208
Do you believe this whole thing
about lobster being an aphrodisiac?

1278
01:09:31,375 --> 01:09:33,878
I did not know it was.

1279
01:09:34,045 --> 01:09:36,588
Medical science really
has not substantiated claims

1280
01:09:36,672 --> 01:09:39,967
that any particular food increases
sexual desire or performance,

1281
01:09:40,051 --> 01:09:42,901
but guys just spend and spend
to ply women with food

1282
01:09:43,054 --> 01:09:46,640
they think is gonna get them lucky.
Which is funny, because, it's like

1283
01:09:46,724 --> 01:09:49,810
what is sexy about
slurping back oysters? Nothing.

1284
01:09:49,977 --> 01:09:53,564
Did you know some people actually
eat ground-up rhinoceros horn

1285
01:09:53,731 --> 01:09:56,858
because it's thought to increase
the size of the male sex organ?

1286
01:09:56,942 --> 01:09:58,903
That's not true at all.

1287
01:09:59,070 --> 01:09:59,779
Spanish fly. Spanish fly.
You've heard of this? Yes?

1288
01:09:59,863 --> 01:10:01,780
Spanish fly. Spanish fly.
You've heard of this? Yes?

1289
01:10:01,864 --> 01:10:03,407
- Yes.
- Okay. That thing?

1290
01:10:03,574 --> 01:10:05,701
Pulverized blister beetle. What?

1291
01:10:05,868 --> 01:10:09,496
And it's illegal in the U.S. because
if you eat just a little bit too much

1292
01:10:09,580 --> 01:10:12,750
it causes painful urination,
fever and bloody discharge.

1293
01:10:12,917 --> 01:10:14,367
- Am I talking too much?
- No.

1294
01:10:14,460 --> 01:10:17,210
You're just burning through
a lot of topics really fast.

1295
01:10:17,338 --> 01:10:20,174
Shouldn't have had coffee
three weeks ago.

1296
01:10:20,341 --> 01:10:21,384
I'm just kidding.

1297
01:10:21,550 --> 01:10:25,388
Your Maine lobster
with crab and seafood stuffing.

1298
01:10:26,764 --> 01:10:28,682
- I'm jealous.
- Thank you.

1299
01:10:29,475 --> 01:10:31,727
Let's dig in. Right?

1300
01:10:35,856 --> 01:10:38,317
I didn't know Woodchuck Todd worked here.

1301
01:10:45,866 --> 01:10:47,242
He's dressed like a lobster.

1302
01:10:47,326 --> 01:10:50,246
I should start calling him Lobster Todd.

1303
01:10:55,918 --> 01:10:57,128
Shit.

1304
01:10:57,294 --> 01:10:59,171
- Shit, shit, shit.
- What? What's wrong?

1305
01:10:59,255 --> 01:11:00,756
- Rhiannon's over there.
- So?

1306
01:11:00,923 --> 01:11:03,175
She's been in love with you
since 1st grade.

1307
01:11:03,342 --> 01:11:05,969
- She's my best friend.
- I thought you weren't speaking.

1308
01:11:06,053 --> 01:11:08,389
But that doesn't mean
she's not my best friend.

1309
01:11:08,556 --> 01:11:10,182
Or that I should be out with you.

1310
01:11:10,266 --> 01:11:12,643
Rhi and I don't have anything in common.

1311
01:11:12,810 --> 01:11:14,562
- And you and I do?
- Yeah.

1312
01:11:14,728 --> 01:11:17,815
- Like what?
- Like I hate Marianne Bryant too.

1313
01:11:17,982 --> 01:11:20,832
If that's our connection,
I should date the entire school.

1314
01:11:20,985 --> 01:11:22,736
Haven't you?

1315
01:11:23,946 --> 01:11:26,490
No. No, I haven't.

1316
01:11:29,869 --> 01:11:31,661
Okay, she can't see us.
Check. Check.

1317
01:11:31,745 --> 01:11:34,039
Can you just...? Excuse me? Hi.

1318
01:11:34,665 --> 01:11:38,544
I just remembered
I am so allergic to shellfish.

1319
01:11:38,711 --> 01:11:41,088
I forget that my respiratory system
will collapse.

1320
01:11:41,172 --> 01:11:43,507
- I have a gift certificate. Keep the tip.
- Thanks.

1321
01:11:43,591 --> 01:11:45,134
I'm sorry, but we have to go.

1322
01:11:45,301 --> 01:11:48,053
- Go. Go. Come on. Come on.
- Okay.

1323
01:11:48,220 --> 01:11:49,805
Go, go, go.

1324
01:11:57,813 --> 01:11:59,857
I'm sorry about that.

1325
01:12:02,151 --> 01:12:04,570
I've got something for you.

1326
01:12:05,946 --> 01:12:08,199
Two hundred dollars to The Home Depot.

1327
01:12:14,788 --> 01:12:16,206
I didn't realize this was a...

1328
01:12:16,290 --> 01:12:20,044
I know it sounds kind of lame, but they
really do have some awesome stuff.

1329
01:12:20,211 --> 01:12:22,713
I bought my air compressor there.

1330
01:12:24,215 --> 01:12:26,884
So, what did we do on this date?

1331
01:12:27,051 --> 01:12:28,636
Whatever 200 bucks gets me.

1332
01:12:31,055 --> 01:12:34,099
- That's not really how it works.
- It's okay.

1333
01:12:34,892 --> 01:12:36,393
Stop.

1334
01:12:36,560 --> 01:12:39,230
I'm not really having sex with people
for money.

1335
01:12:39,396 --> 01:12:43,359
I'm saying I'm having sex for money,
but I'm not having sex for money.

1336
01:12:43,526 --> 01:12:45,276
It's okay. It's all right. Come on.

1337
01:12:45,361 --> 01:12:47,029
- Stop. No, no.
- What?

1338
01:12:47,196 --> 01:12:48,447
Stop!

1339
01:12:48,614 --> 01:12:51,200
Come on, just relax. Come on, babe.
It's all right.

1340
01:12:51,367 --> 01:12:54,453
God. Asshole.

1341
01:12:58,624 --> 01:13:01,877
What are you doing? I paid you.

1342
01:13:02,795 --> 01:13:04,755
Now you didn't.

1343
01:13:06,757 --> 01:13:09,760
Come on, this is bullshit.

1344
01:13:14,098 --> 01:13:15,975
Goddamn it.

1345
01:13:17,184 --> 01:13:18,936
Hey, Olive.

1346
01:13:20,354 --> 01:13:22,231
Todd, hi.

1347
01:13:27,611 --> 01:13:30,990
- Hey, you all right?
- I just have something in my eye.

1348
01:13:31,156 --> 01:13:34,535
Like a twig, you know, or a branch,
or a contact, or something.

1349
01:13:34,702 --> 01:13:38,956
- I didn't know you wore contacts.
- I don't, which is why I was tearing up.

1350
01:13:39,707 --> 01:13:43,836
Olive, hey. Let me drive you home.

1351
01:13:51,885 --> 01:13:54,638
Do you wanna talk about it?

1352
01:13:58,142 --> 01:14:02,396
What's to say?
Everybody thinks I'm a whore...

1353
01:14:03,188 --> 01:14:05,838
and for the first time,
I'm starting to believe it.

1354
01:14:05,941 --> 01:14:06,984
What?

1355
01:14:07,151 --> 01:14:10,070
Don't act like you don't know
what people are saying about me.

1356
01:14:10,154 --> 01:14:13,054
I know what people are saying.
Doesn't mean I believe them.

1357
01:14:13,157 --> 01:14:14,992
- Who told you?
- No one.

1358
01:14:15,159 --> 01:14:18,495
No one had to tell me that once upon
a time, there was a scared kid

1359
01:14:18,579 --> 01:14:22,416
at a party in a dark room
who was not ready for his first kiss.

1360
01:14:22,583 --> 01:14:27,046
And, you know, there was
this amazing girl who lied for him.

1361
01:14:27,212 --> 01:14:30,132
I still can't believe you remember that.

1362
01:14:33,385 --> 01:14:36,430
You know, sometimes I pretend
you were my first real kiss.

1363
01:14:37,848 --> 01:14:39,516
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

1364
01:14:41,310 --> 01:14:43,354
- Who was?
- It was Rhiannon.

1365
01:14:43,520 --> 01:14:45,230
- What?
- She must have told you.

1366
01:14:45,397 --> 01:14:49,610
Yeah, it was... I think it was, like,
a year after that or something.

1367
01:14:49,777 --> 01:14:52,613
It sucked, by the way.
She was, like:

1368
01:14:52,780 --> 01:14:55,032
That bitch.

1369
01:14:55,199 --> 01:14:57,910
Oh, my God,
she knew how I felt about you.

1370
01:14:58,077 --> 01:15:00,977
- How do you feel about me?
- And here I am feeling so bad.

1371
01:15:01,121 --> 01:15:02,331
That's just perfect.

1372
01:15:02,498 --> 01:15:04,898
Wait, hold on a second.
How do you feel about me?

1373
01:15:05,084 --> 01:15:06,794
"Felt."

1374
01:15:07,169 --> 01:15:08,545
I said "felt."

1375
01:15:10,339 --> 01:15:13,634
Because I thought I...
I thought I heard "feel."

1376
01:15:13,801 --> 01:15:15,427
- No, it was "felt."
- All right.

1377
01:15:15,594 --> 01:15:17,638
How do you know where I live?

1378
01:15:17,805 --> 01:15:19,139
We used to carpool.

1379
01:15:19,640 --> 01:15:23,059
Yeah, in 2nd grade. What, are you
like a savant for people's addresses?

1380
01:15:23,143 --> 01:15:25,229
Just for people who I think are cool.

1381
01:15:25,896 --> 01:15:28,065
- You think I'm cool?
- I do.

1382
01:15:28,232 --> 01:15:31,527
And I think you're pretty and smart.

1383
01:15:31,819 --> 01:15:34,696
Did you form this opinion
prior to my little transformation?

1384
01:15:34,780 --> 01:15:36,448
Way prior.

1385
01:15:37,825 --> 01:15:39,660
Why didn't that rumor spread?

1386
01:15:40,119 --> 01:15:41,953
I like to keep my business to myself.

1387
01:15:42,037 --> 01:15:44,039
Notoriety, for whatever reason

1388
01:15:44,206 --> 01:15:47,156
never seems to benefit the noted,
it's only the "notees."

1389
01:15:48,836 --> 01:15:50,421
Where were you two weeks ago?

1390
01:15:55,342 --> 01:15:56,510
Olive.

1391
01:15:57,720 --> 01:16:02,558
If I promise not to tell anyone,
could I kiss you right now?

1392
01:16:06,270 --> 01:16:08,021
No.

1393
01:16:10,065 --> 01:16:12,359
- Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.
- Oh, no.

1394
01:16:12,443 --> 01:16:14,570
I just mean, not like this.

1395
01:16:14,737 --> 01:16:17,637
I don't wanna kiss you with mascara
running down my face,

1396
01:16:17,781 --> 01:16:20,284
and some horndog guy just having tried

1397
01:16:20,451 --> 01:16:23,495
to stick his tongue down my throat.

1398
01:16:24,621 --> 01:16:27,082
I've wanted to kiss you
since 8th grade...

1399
01:16:28,083 --> 01:16:30,419
but I want it to be perfect.

1400
01:16:31,420 --> 01:16:34,089
And right now, my life is a mess.

1401
01:16:34,506 --> 01:16:37,843
I need to get my business in order
before I drag you into it.

1402
01:16:38,010 --> 01:16:40,304
What if I told you
I wanna be dragged into it?

1403
01:16:41,263 --> 01:16:42,848
I could help, maybe.

1404
01:17:11,627 --> 01:17:12,795
Why now?

1405
01:17:13,962 --> 01:17:15,964
Why are you all of a sudden into me now?

1406
01:17:16,131 --> 01:17:17,257
I don't know.

1407
01:17:17,716 --> 01:17:21,136
I haven't overanalyzed it,
like you're about to.

1408
01:17:25,641 --> 01:17:29,228
- Good night, Olive.
- Good night, Lobster Todd.

1409
01:17:31,188 --> 01:17:34,608
<i>Now that I knew there were decent
and goodhearted people out there</i>

1410
01:17:34,775 --> 01:17:36,360
<i>the lies had to stop.</i>

1411
01:17:36,527 --> 01:17:40,113
<i>I knew there was only one person I
could count on to set the story straight:</i>

1412
01:17:40,197 --> 01:17:41,198
<i>Brandon.</i>

1413
01:17:41,365 --> 01:17:44,701
<i>I'd helped him, and even though
it would destroy his new reputation</i>

1414
01:17:44,785 --> 01:17:47,329
<i>as a straight stud, I knew he'd help me.</i>

1415
01:17:47,496 --> 01:17:50,206
Oh, my God. Did you hear that
Brandon ran away from home?

1416
01:17:50,290 --> 01:17:53,793
Yeah, totally. He left his parents
a note that said, "I'm gay, bitches",

1417
01:17:53,877 --> 01:17:57,047
and then he skipped town
with some big, hulking black guy.

1418
01:17:58,340 --> 01:17:59,382
My apologies to Mark Twain.

1419
01:17:59,466 --> 01:17:59,842
My apologies to Mark Twain.

1420
01:18:00,008 --> 01:18:01,093
- Wait, huh?
- What?

1421
01:18:01,260 --> 01:18:03,303
- You said something.
- You said something.

1422
01:18:03,387 --> 01:18:05,264
You said something, so I came back.

1423
01:18:05,430 --> 01:18:06,973
- You're funny. Okay.
- Call me.

1424
01:18:07,057 --> 01:18:10,310
<i>I went to everyone I'd helped
and begged them to say it wasn't true.</i>

1425
01:18:10,394 --> 01:18:12,563
No way. I gave you money.

1426
01:18:12,729 --> 01:18:16,358
You gave me a gift card to AutoZone.
I don't even have a car.

1427
01:18:16,525 --> 01:18:18,318
I thought it'd be aspirational.

1428
01:18:18,485 --> 01:18:22,698
Evan, please do this for me, all right?
I did that for you. Do this for me.

1429
01:18:22,865 --> 01:18:25,867
I don't want people to know
I didn't go to second base with you.

1430
01:18:25,951 --> 01:18:29,037
Do you know how many girls
I've hooked up with because of that?

1431
01:18:29,121 --> 01:18:30,747
Girls are almost as dumb as boys.

1432
01:18:30,831 --> 01:18:33,542
Oh, yes, they are.

1433
01:18:37,045 --> 01:18:38,422
<i>It gets worse.</i>

1434
01:18:38,589 --> 01:18:40,298
"Honor your father
and your mother."

1435
01:18:40,382 --> 01:18:43,832
<i>Due to his condition, Micah was sent
on a visit to his grandparents</i>

1436
01:18:43,969 --> 01:18:44,594
<i>in Palatka, Florida.</i>

1437
01:18:44,678 --> 01:18:45,512
<i>...in Palatka, Florida.</i>

1438
01:18:45,596 --> 01:18:48,765
<i>And if there's one thing worse
than chlamydia, it's Florida.</i>

1439
01:18:48,932 --> 01:18:50,726
"... Be guilty of adultery."

1440
01:18:50,893 --> 01:18:52,936
Get your hands out of your berries, boy.

1441
01:18:53,103 --> 01:18:55,105
<i>Olive, life is full of choices.</i>

1442
01:18:55,272 --> 01:18:58,525
I made a bad one.
But then, so did you.

1443
01:18:58,692 --> 01:19:02,029
But I see no other alternative
than to just live with the guilt.

1444
01:19:02,195 --> 01:19:05,532
My guilt stems from my indiscretion
and yours for lying.

1445
01:19:06,116 --> 01:19:09,828
We made our choices.
Now, we just have to let it ride.

1446
01:19:09,995 --> 01:19:14,291
Or I could just tell everyone the truth
and get you fired and put in jail.

1447
01:19:14,458 --> 01:19:17,085
Okay, first of all, he is of age, okay?

1448
01:19:17,252 --> 01:19:19,546
It's perfectly legal
in the state of California.

1449
01:19:19,630 --> 01:19:22,215
I checked. He is 21 in eight months.

1450
01:19:22,382 --> 01:19:25,385
And secondly, let's play the Who
Would You Believe game, okay?

1451
01:19:25,469 --> 01:19:28,930
Why don't you ask yourself, if you
were an adult, who would you believe?

1452
01:19:29,014 --> 01:19:31,182
Who would you believe?
Who would you believe?

1453
01:19:31,266 --> 01:19:33,435
Who would you believe? Who?

1454
01:19:38,148 --> 01:19:40,359
Thank you for coming in.

1455
01:19:43,695 --> 01:19:48,075
<i>Yeah, Mrs. Griffith was pure evil, but
I still shouldn't have done what I did.</i>

1456
01:19:48,241 --> 01:19:51,119
Your wife has chlamydia,
and she's sleeping with a student,

1457
01:19:51,203 --> 01:19:53,953
and she gave it to him,
and she's trying to blame me.

1458
01:19:55,165 --> 01:19:56,708
What?

1459
01:20:00,170 --> 01:20:01,922
I'm sorry.

1460
01:20:04,758 --> 01:20:06,510
I'm sorry.

1461
01:20:07,302 --> 01:20:09,763
Mr. Griffith, if you ever see this

1462
01:20:09,930 --> 01:20:15,852
just know that I was wrong
to tell you that in that way. At all.

1463
01:20:16,186 --> 01:20:18,063
I shouldn't have done it.

1464
01:20:18,522 --> 01:20:21,191
<i>And I don't even feel bad
for lying for your wife.</i>

1465
01:20:21,358 --> 01:20:26,863
<i>But I hate myself for telling you
the truth. I am so sorry.</i>

1466
01:20:27,030 --> 01:20:31,159
<i>With my words, even though
they were true, I ended a marriage.</i>

1467
01:20:31,368 --> 01:20:35,789
<i>Looking back, that's the thing
I regret the most.</i>

1468
01:20:42,254 --> 01:20:47,634
So now everyone that knows the truth
is either gone or they won't fess up.

1469
01:20:47,801 --> 01:20:52,806
And Marianne Bryant and her
disciples are demanding my head.

1470
01:20:52,973 --> 01:20:56,643
The messed-up thing is I would not put
it past Principal Gibbons to expel me.

1471
01:20:56,727 --> 01:20:58,977
I had a similar situation
when I was your age.

1472
01:20:59,062 --> 01:21:00,731
What? Everyone called you a slut?

1473
01:21:00,897 --> 01:21:04,147
I had a horrible reputation and
people said awful things about me.

1474
01:21:04,484 --> 01:21:06,403
- Why?
- Because I was a slut.

1475
01:21:06,570 --> 01:21:10,991
I slept with a whole bunch of people.
A slew, a heap, a peck. Mostly guys.

1476
01:21:11,158 --> 01:21:13,452
- Mom.
- Sorry, I got around.

1477
01:21:13,618 --> 01:21:16,621
Before I met Dad,
I had incredibly low self-worth.

1478
01:21:16,788 --> 01:21:20,458
Do me a favor and just stuff this down
my throat until I asphyxiate to death.

1479
01:21:20,542 --> 01:21:23,045
- It's true. It is.
- I want to die.

1480
01:21:23,211 --> 01:21:25,547
It's true.
I was quite the contortionist.

1481
01:21:25,714 --> 01:21:28,841
I could do this thing. I could go...
I mean, my leg all the way...

1482
01:21:28,925 --> 01:21:31,219
Stop. Can you stop?
Don't show me.

1483
01:21:31,386 --> 01:21:34,473
- Can you not see that I'm a mess?
- No, you're not, Olive.

1484
01:21:34,639 --> 01:21:36,391
You're wonderful.

1485
01:21:36,933 --> 01:21:39,102
And you'll handle this
the same way I did.

1486
01:21:39,269 --> 01:21:41,730
With an incontrovertible sense of humor.

1487
01:21:43,023 --> 01:21:45,442
But you're much smarter than I am,

1488
01:21:45,609 --> 01:21:48,695
so you'll come out of this
much better than I did.

1489
01:21:51,448 --> 01:21:52,616
Thank you, Mom.

1490
01:21:53,950 --> 01:21:58,455
- I could get my leg so far back.
- No, no, no. Stop it.

1491
01:21:58,622 --> 01:22:01,541
<i>So it was time to put an end
to all this once and for all</i>

1492
01:22:01,625 --> 01:22:03,334
<i>by telling my side of the story.</i>

1493
01:22:03,418 --> 01:22:05,568
<i>And that's why I decided
to do this webcast.</i>

1494
01:22:05,712 --> 01:22:08,006
So here we go.

1495
01:22:09,633 --> 01:22:11,301
Part five.

1496
01:22:11,468 --> 01:22:13,595
Not with a fizzle, but with a bang.

1497
01:22:13,762 --> 01:22:17,641
<i>Today we had yet another
one of our ridiculous pep rallies.</i>

1498
01:22:17,808 --> 01:22:21,060
<i>Todd convinced the band to play
the sexiest song in their repertoire.</i>

1499
01:22:21,144 --> 01:22:24,731
<i>I needed to pique everyone's interest
to get them to go home and log on.</i>

1500
01:22:24,898 --> 01:22:28,276
<i>I had one outfit left and I figured
about 30 seconds to do it.</i>

1501
01:22:28,443 --> 01:22:31,196
<i>Plus I really wanted
my own awesome musical number...</i>

1502
01:22:31,822 --> 01:22:33,865
<i>for no apparent reason.</i>

1503
01:22:38,578 --> 01:22:39,830
Is that Olive?

1504
01:24:04,414 --> 01:24:06,291
This was just a free preview.

1505
01:24:06,458 --> 01:24:12,088
For the main event, log on to
www.FreeOlive.com tonight at 6 p.m.

1506
01:24:12,255 --> 01:24:15,508
And I know it interferes with
the basketball game but, come on

1507
01:24:15,675 --> 01:24:17,844
would you rather cheer on the Woodchucks,

1508
01:24:17,928 --> 01:24:20,138
or watch me do one?

1509
01:24:21,640 --> 01:24:24,893
What do you think you're doing?
Get to my office right now.

1510
01:24:25,060 --> 01:24:28,771
I can't, because I have a date with the
guy I like and the rest of the school.

1511
01:24:28,855 --> 01:24:32,150
I think before you expel me,
you might wanna talk to Mrs. Griffith

1512
01:24:32,234 --> 01:24:35,027
because I think she might
talk you into letting me stay.

1513
01:24:35,111 --> 01:24:37,614
Go, Woodchucks!

1514
01:24:47,582 --> 01:24:48,374
And here you all are...

1515
01:24:48,458 --> 01:24:50,085
And here you all are

1516
01:24:50,252 --> 01:24:53,129
waiting outside the bedroom door
for me to kiss Todd

1517
01:24:53,296 --> 01:24:55,923
<i>listening to me pretend
to have sex with Brandon</i>

1518
01:24:56,007 --> 01:24:58,218
<i>paying me to lie for you,</i>

1519
01:24:58,385 --> 01:25:00,428
<i>and calling me every name in the book.</i>

1520
01:25:00,637 --> 01:25:03,390
<i>You know, it was just like Hester
in</i> The Scarlet Letter.

1521
01:25:03,556 --> 01:25:06,142
<i>Except that's the one thing
the movies don't tell you:</i>

1522
01:25:06,226 --> 01:25:11,439
How shitty it feels to be an outcast.
Warranted or not.

1523
01:25:20,782 --> 01:25:22,701
How did you know I love this song?

1524
01:25:22,867 --> 01:25:24,160
I guessed.

1525
01:25:24,327 --> 01:25:27,830
I see you've been watching my live
webcast. It's still going on, you know.

1526
01:25:27,914 --> 01:25:31,293
Screw them. They've had
enough of you. Figuratively speaking.

1527
01:25:31,459 --> 01:25:34,462
I borrowed my neighbor's mower.
I came right over.

1528
01:25:34,629 --> 01:25:35,672
That almost rhymed.

1529
01:25:35,839 --> 01:25:38,383
I know. I spent a minute on it.

1530
01:25:38,550 --> 01:25:40,552
I'll be right down.

1531
01:25:42,220 --> 01:25:44,014
That's Todd.

1532
01:25:44,180 --> 01:25:49,144
Not that I owe you guys any more
confessions, but I really like this guy,

1533
01:25:49,311 --> 01:25:53,565
<i>and I might even lose my virginity
to him.</i>

1534
01:25:54,232 --> 01:25:56,151
I don't know when it'll happen.

1535
01:25:56,318 --> 01:25:59,362
You know, it might be five minutes
from now or tonight...

1536
01:25:59,946 --> 01:26:03,450
or six months from now
or maybe on our wedding night.

1537
01:26:03,616 --> 01:26:08,496
But the really amazing thing is,
it is nobody's goddamn business.

1538
01:26:10,874 --> 01:26:12,250
Come on, where's she going?

1539
01:26:12,417 --> 01:26:14,710
I thought she was going
to take her clothes off.

1540
01:26:14,794 --> 01:26:17,339
Demi Moore took her clothes off.
This is bullshit.

1541
01:26:17,505 --> 01:26:20,967
Come on. Are you kidding me?

1542
01:26:22,927 --> 01:26:25,680
- Piss off.
- Come here, you punk.

1543
01:26:28,725 --> 01:26:30,226
Jack?

1544
01:26:55,587 --> 01:26:57,963
<i>That's a mighty snug little shelter,
Huck.</i>

1545
01:26:58,047 --> 01:27:00,423
<i>That's a mighty snug little shelter,
Huck.</i>

1546
01:27:00,590 --> 01:27:02,050
<i>I judge it's all right.</i>

1547
01:27:02,217 --> 01:27:04,343
<i>Here, Jim, I'll take my turn
at steering now.</i>

1548
01:27:04,427 --> 01:27:06,805
<i>No, that's all right, Huck.
I like steering.</i>

1549
01:27:49,764 --> 01:27:51,641
Blue Devils!