1
00:00:08,134 --> 00:00:09,277
I just broke up
with someone.
2
00:00:09,301 --> 00:00:10,845
Paul Simon!
3
00:00:10,886 --> 00:00:12,197
That was two tiny
singer-songwriters ago.
4
00:00:12,221 --> 00:00:13,389
Catch up!
5
00:00:13,431 --> 00:00:15,057
- Prince!
- Hall and Oates!
6
00:00:15,099 --> 00:00:17,393
Oh. Now, stop.
This was a woman.
7
00:00:17,435 --> 00:00:20,354
Don't.
8
00:00:20,396 --> 00:00:22,857
And it was a real partnership.
9
00:00:22,898 --> 00:00:25,317
Lasted longer than
any of my marriages combined.
10
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:28,320
And in its way, it was just like a marriage.
11
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,406
It started with a contract,
it ended with a lawsuit,
12
00:00:30,448 --> 00:00:32,283
and we never had sex.
13
00:00:32,324 --> 00:00:35,786
Except once, there really isn't
much to do in Pensacola.
14
00:00:35,828 --> 00:00:38,247
It really sucks
to break up with me.
15
00:00:38,289 --> 00:00:41,459
No, seriously,
my face is on billboards.
16
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,169
You break up
with a normal person,
17
00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:45,063
maybe you can't go back
to your favorite restaurant.
18
00:00:45,087 --> 00:00:47,089
You break up with me,
you can't use the highway.
19
00:00:49,675 --> 00:00:51,761
She was a friend.
20
00:00:52,845 --> 00:00:57,183
We always fought
over that word, "friend."
21
00:00:57,224 --> 00:00:59,477
But I dumped her
and got a fifth dog.
22
00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:02,438
Still a bitch, but at least
this one'll fetch my shoes.
23
00:01:06,484 --> 00:01:07,860
♪ I got frostbitten
in the winter ♪
24
00:01:07,902 --> 00:01:09,653
♪ Ice skating on the river ♪
25
00:01:09,695 --> 00:01:11,906
She's not gonna be happy.
26
00:01:11,947 --> 00:01:14,450
♪ With my pretty
little black-eyed girl ♪
27
00:01:14,492 --> 00:01:18,204
♪ She'd make your darn toes curl
just to see her, yeah ♪
28
00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:21,457
♪ I got a fringe front
on my buggy ♪
29
00:01:21,499 --> 00:01:23,101
♪ I got a pretty little...
30
00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:24,352
Betty Botter bought some butter,
31
00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:25,520
but she said
the butter's bitter.
32
00:01:25,544 --> 00:01:26,980
Betty Botter bought some butter,
but she said
33
00:01:27,004 --> 00:01:28,756
the butter's bitter.
Sounds bueno, boys.
34
00:01:29,965 --> 00:01:31,634
Steve Martin is my favorite.
35
00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:32,885
"Excuuuuse me!"
36
00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:35,763
George Carlin, with the seven
dirty words? Really funny.
37
00:01:35,805 --> 00:01:38,516
Robin Williams, too.
Like the Tasmanian Devil.
38
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:40,935
Who the hell is this?
39
00:01:41,060 --> 00:01:42,019
No idea.
40
00:01:42,061 --> 00:01:44,647
♪ Living with her funky family ♪
41
00:01:44,688 --> 00:01:47,983
♪ In a derelict old alley ♪
42
00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:50,152
♪ Down by the river...
43
00:01:50,194 --> 00:01:51,946
Put 'em up.
44
00:01:51,987 --> 00:01:53,823
♪ In the moonshine ♪
45
00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:55,449
Fifty bucks she doesn't show.
46
00:01:55,491 --> 00:01:58,035
She doesn't show, fuck it.
I'm mentioning Maisel.
47
00:01:58,077 --> 00:01:59,370
So fearless, dude.
48
00:01:59,411 --> 00:02:02,498
♪ Well, she knows
how to use me ♪
49
00:02:02,540 --> 00:02:04,625
♪ Pretty little
black-eyed Susie...
50
00:02:06,252 --> 00:02:08,671
It's a veritable who's who
of people behind the scenes
51
00:02:08,712 --> 00:02:10,798
in the entertainment industry
gathering here
52
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:12,466
to roast one of their own.
53
00:02:12,508 --> 00:02:15,177
♪ Living with her funky family ♪
54
00:02:15,219 --> 00:02:18,514
♪ In a derelict old alley ♪
55
00:02:18,556 --> 00:02:20,474
♪ Down by the river...
56
00:02:20,516 --> 00:02:22,268
Move!
57
00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:25,020
♪ In the moonshine ♪
58
00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:32,027
♪ Well, she sure knows how to use me ♪
59
00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:34,238
♪ Pretty little
black-eyed Susie ♪
60
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:35,632
It's the one shot
we came here to get.
61
00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:36,866
Great job, guys.
62
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:48,669
♪ In a derelict old alley ♪
63
00:02:48,711 --> 00:02:50,421
♪ Down by the river ♪
64
00:02:50,462 --> 00:02:52,172
♪ Where we share
a little loving ♪
65
00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:53,966
♪ In the moonshine ♪ ♪
66
00:02:54,008 --> 00:02:55,861
So, we have
some unfortunate news, everyone.
67
00:02:55,885 --> 00:02:58,929
Susie has arrived.
68
00:03:00,264 --> 00:03:03,142
- Hello, Susie.
- This is fucking dumb.
69
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:05,978
Good to see you, too.
70
00:03:06,020 --> 00:03:08,105
Now, you all know me
and wish you were me.
71
00:03:08,147 --> 00:03:09,356
I'm Stewart Jones,
72
00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:11,400
your unwilling emcee
for this evening.
73
00:03:11,442 --> 00:03:14,778
So, when we first approached
Susie Myerson about a roast,
74
00:03:14,820 --> 00:03:17,114
she instructed us to position
our heads in a place
75
00:03:17,156 --> 00:03:19,658
that seemed ill-advised,
claustrophobic,
76
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:20,951
and biologically impossible.
77
00:03:20,993 --> 00:03:23,037
Try harder. I believe in you.
78
00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:24,622
Then we offered to make it
79
00:03:24,663 --> 00:03:26,415
a testimonial dinner,
and she replied,
80
00:03:26,457 --> 00:03:29,043
"No, thanks, those are for old
hags with shriveled pussies."
81
00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:31,253
Enjoy the veal.
82
00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:32,379
So, we negotiated with her,
83
00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:33,881
and if you've never
done that before,
84
00:03:33,923 --> 00:03:36,008
I highly don't recommend it.
85
00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:39,470
And she agreed to
a "Testi-Roastial."
86
00:03:39,511 --> 00:03:41,096
Trips off the tongue, huh?
87
00:03:41,138 --> 00:03:43,098
So, here she is, an hour late
88
00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:45,184
and smelling
like Cheech and Chong.
89
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:48,646
Hell, she's burned more grass
than the Santa Ana winds.
90
00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:50,731
If only she'd made
as much money for her clients
91
00:03:50,773 --> 00:03:52,566
as she has
for Visine and Doritos.
92
00:03:52,608 --> 00:03:54,252
- Her big break came...
- Bring me some food.
93
00:03:54,276 --> 00:03:55,986
...when she discovered
the comedian
94
00:03:56,028 --> 00:03:58,614
whose name
we shall not utter tonight
95
00:03:58,656 --> 00:04:03,202
at the long-defunct Gaslight Café on MacDougal.
96
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,804
I need a plate, guys.
97
00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:06,872
Heavy on the meat,
light on the vegetables.
98
00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:08,540
Dinner service is over.
99
00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:10,834
I need a plate. Now.
100
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,837
Who's the asshole who wants
dinner after dinner?
101
00:04:14,088 --> 00:04:15,464
Any of you negotiating
with Susie
102
00:04:15,506 --> 00:04:17,216
on the other side
of a telephone,
103
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,801
or... God forbid... in person,
104
00:04:18,842 --> 00:04:20,562
knows she's one of
the consummate dealmakers
105
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:21,845
in the business.
106
00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:25,057
And most of you know about
that day in 1970.
107
00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:26,767
Greatest goddamn day ever.
108
00:04:26,809 --> 00:04:29,520
The day of the legendary
triple crown.
109
00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:33,273
Susie had a movie script.
110
00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:35,943
It was controversial and no one
in town wanted to touch it.
111
00:04:35,985 --> 00:04:37,945
So, Sol, this film,
112
00:04:37,987 --> 00:04:40,364
it's gonna be shot
on locations all over the city...
113
00:04:40,406 --> 00:04:42,324
Manhattan, Queens, Brooklyn.
114
00:04:42,366 --> 00:04:43,784
Friedkin's got
a real vision for it.
115
00:04:43,826 --> 00:04:44,868
I hear he's a hothead.
116
00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:46,221
Yeah, well,
maybe you need a hothead
117
00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:47,806
for something like
The French Connection.
118
00:04:47,830 --> 00:04:49,832
- Tee off, Tommy.
- Paul Newman passed.
119
00:04:49,873 --> 00:04:51,583
Steve McQueen passed.
James Caan passed.
120
00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:53,127
We got Gene Hackman.
121
00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:54,878
You're gonna argue
with Gene Hackman?
122
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:56,588
He's fucking brilliant.
It's a slam dunk.
123
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,400
- Sol, come on.
- This is not going to happen.
124
00:04:58,424 --> 00:04:59,717
Okay? Now, stop.
125
00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:01,301
Just tee off, Tommy.
126
00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:03,154
Most would give up
to fight another day,
127
00:05:03,178 --> 00:05:04,555
but not Susie.
128
00:05:04,596 --> 00:05:07,266
No fucking way
is she leaving empty-handed.
129
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,934
After all,
she paid for parking.
130
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,936
No. No way.
I like the Dodgers.
131
00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:12,578
I got 'em
for the pennant and the series.
132
00:05:12,604 --> 00:05:14,148
Hey, Sol, what do you think?
133
00:05:14,189 --> 00:05:15,441
To this day,
134
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:16,626
no one knows
what she said to him.
135
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:17,860
What the hell?
136
00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:20,070
Whether it was just her passion
for the screenplay,
137
00:05:20,112 --> 00:05:21,905
or a promise
to control the budget,
138
00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:23,383
or, hell, she could've had
pictures of him
139
00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:24,783
rogering a donkey or something.
140
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:27,327
Who knows?
She had eyes everywhere.
141
00:05:27,369 --> 00:05:29,329
- Whatever she said...
- The picture's a go.
142
00:05:29,371 --> 00:05:30,974
- What?
- Close the deal by the end of day.
143
00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:32,374
Susie will give you the terms.
144
00:05:32,416 --> 00:05:33,834
- Whatever you need.
- But, Sol...
145
00:05:33,876 --> 00:05:34,960
Just make it happen.
146
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:37,212
...Boom, deal one, done.
147
00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:39,548
But she ain't finished.
148
00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:42,676
♪ That ain't the way
to have fun, son...
149
00:05:42,718 --> 00:05:44,612
Now, the foursome
in front of them is going slow,
150
00:05:44,636 --> 00:05:46,221
so Susie and her guys
bump into 'em.
151
00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:48,932
One of them is the guy who just
took over programming for CBS.
152
00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:52,352
Cameron! Hey there.
Congrats on the shiny new job.
153
00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:53,729
Thank you, Susie.
154
00:05:53,771 --> 00:05:56,398
Like a showbiz cobra,
she strikes immediately.
155
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,817
Says she has a project,
wants him to have first crack.
156
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:01,153
It's a half-hour comedy,
it's hysterical,
157
00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:02,630
and it'll launch
your Thursday nights.
158
00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:04,281
Susie, please,
we're trying to relax.
159
00:06:04,323 --> 00:06:05,866
Call my office on Monday.
160
00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:07,385
She's not waiting
for Monday.
161
00:06:07,409 --> 00:06:09,328
I got two clients
already attached.
162
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:12,706
Liz Montgomery and Andy Griffith
both signed to do it,
163
00:06:12,748 --> 00:06:15,125
- and to do it at CBS.
- Great pairing. What's the premise?
164
00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:16,627
- Get this.
- Get this,
165
00:06:16,668 --> 00:06:17,961
there was no premise.
166
00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:19,421
She was making it up
on the spot.
167
00:06:19,463 --> 00:06:21,465
There's a husband and wife,
both shrinks.
168
00:06:21,507 --> 00:06:24,635
Now, she's big city, sharp,
Ivy League degree.
169
00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:27,012
He's folksy, homespun,
comes from the Deep South.
170
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:30,641
- Their patients keep dumping one to go to the other.
- I love that.
171
00:06:30,682 --> 00:06:32,392
So, what does she do
on the fly?
172
00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:34,144
She creates That's Our Time.
173
00:06:34,186 --> 00:06:35,521
He picks it up on the spot,
174
00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:37,981
and the fucking thing
runs seven years.
175
00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:39,751
- They got a couple of kids...
- And here's the thing.
176
00:06:39,775 --> 00:06:42,319
Those stars she mentioned,
they weren't even her clients.
177
00:06:42,361 --> 00:06:44,655
Not until they found out
about the sitcom she created
178
00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:46,782
and got greenlit
for them to star in.
179
00:06:46,824 --> 00:06:48,283
They signed with her
immediately.
180
00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:49,594
...vacuuming their house, too.
181
00:06:49,618 --> 00:06:51,203
- Vacuuming? I love it.
- Yeah.
182
00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:53,831
Boom! Deal two, done.
183
00:06:53,872 --> 00:06:56,291
But she still had 40 minutes
left on that parking.
184
00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:58,710
Susie says
she has to hit the head.
185
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:01,189
- What else? What else?
- Uh, there's this guy from a big record label.
186
00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:03,799
Turns out she's got every caddy
at the club on her payroll,
187
00:07:03,841 --> 00:07:05,884
and they fill her in
on what they know
188
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,219
from every hole on the course.
189
00:07:07,261 --> 00:07:08,887
Okay. Good job, guys.
190
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,865
She finds out there's a guy
there from AandM records.
191
00:07:10,889 --> 00:07:12,933
She finds him pronto.
192
00:07:12,975 --> 00:07:14,744
She tells the guy
there's a couple of songwriters
193
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:16,562
out of London,
they wrote this musical,
194
00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:18,456
and they want to make an album
to get some attention.
195
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:19,982
It's the whole story,
soup to nuts,
196
00:07:20,023 --> 00:07:21,376
all the way
through the crucifixion.
197
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,777
- The 39 lashes and everything.
- Wild.
198
00:07:23,819 --> 00:07:26,113
Yeah,
the songs are fucking catchy.
199
00:07:26,155 --> 00:07:29,241
- You hear those demos, you'll want to make the album.
- What's their names?
200
00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:30,701
And just like that,
201
00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:32,911
she breaks Tim Rice
and Andrew Lloyd Webber.
202
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:34,413
And what does the world get?
203
00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:39,293
Boom! The triple crown.
204
00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:41,837
- You want some blow?
- No, I'm good.
205
00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:45,215
This next guest needs
no introduction,
206
00:07:45,257 --> 00:07:48,260
which is good, because
I forgot his fucking name.
207
00:07:48,302 --> 00:07:50,053
Oh, yeah, Aaron Lebowitz.
208
00:07:50,095 --> 00:07:51,972
Come on up here, Aaron.
209
00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:57,561
Hello, everybody.
210
00:07:57,603 --> 00:07:59,646
As most of you know,
I'm a manager,
211
00:07:59,688 --> 00:08:01,106
and I've been competing
with Susie
212
00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:02,774
for more years than I can count.
213
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:04,067
And I have to admit,
214
00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:06,069
there's nobody in this business
like Susie.
215
00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:08,071
Oh, sorry, I misread that.
216
00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:10,616
It's "nobody in this business
likes Susie."
217
00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:13,076
I mean, really, what is there to say
218
00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:15,871
about Susie Myerson that
hasn't been said about Pol Pot?
219
00:08:15,913 --> 00:08:18,373
Susie's like anybody else, really.
220
00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:21,418
She has her bad side
and her good side.
221
00:08:21,460 --> 00:08:23,378
There's the ruthlessness,
the vindictiveness,
222
00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:25,756
the profane bile
that spews from her mouth
223
00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:27,132
like Satan's lava.
224
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:30,219
Then, on the bad side...
225
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,803
She was mentored
by my one-time boss,
226
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,847
the late, great Harry Drake.
227
00:08:35,349 --> 00:08:37,768
Yeah, that's about
the response I expected.
228
00:08:37,809 --> 00:08:39,937
When Harry died, he had
so many knives in his back,
229
00:08:39,978 --> 00:08:42,314
they had to bury him facedown.
230
00:08:42,356 --> 00:08:46,485
But Harry truly respected Susie,
even before she was somebody.
231
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,320
While they had
their ups and downs,
232
00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:50,906
Susie stayed loyal
when others didn't.
233
00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:53,909
Everybody knows
the old man's losing it.
234
00:08:53,951 --> 00:08:55,827
Clients are dropping him
left and right.
235
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:57,621
Spencer Tracy's the latest.
236
00:08:57,663 --> 00:08:59,557
Not that anyone gives a shit
about Spencer Tracy.
237
00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:00,874
You want another drink?
238
00:09:00,916 --> 00:09:02,668
- You're paying.
- Two more.
239
00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:04,461
I wanted in
on Dr. Strangelove.
240
00:09:04,503 --> 00:09:07,464
Harry tells me they're giving it
to George C. Scott.
241
00:09:07,506 --> 00:09:09,424
George is good,
but fuck it, I'm better.
242
00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:11,106
- Yup.
- What does Harry do for me, anyway?
243
00:09:11,134 --> 00:09:12,678
Except take his cut.
244
00:09:14,846 --> 00:09:16,640
I want you to represent me.
245
00:09:16,682 --> 00:09:18,350
No more losing parts to George
246
00:09:18,392 --> 00:09:20,936
or Tony Perkins
or fucking Richard Burton.
247
00:09:20,978 --> 00:09:22,854
In two years' time,
here's what I want.
248
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:25,691
A penthouse with a terrace
overlooking the park.
249
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:28,110
A closet full of
Sy Devore suits.
250
00:09:28,151 --> 00:09:29,987
Porsche 911 that I can drive
251
00:09:30,028 --> 00:09:32,072
to my beachfront house
in the Hamptons.
252
00:09:32,114 --> 00:09:33,615
You with me?
253
00:09:33,657 --> 00:09:35,457
Hey, what was that
last film of yours, Taylor?
254
00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:36,702
Daylight Fades?
255
00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:38,245
Yeah. It did okay.
256
00:09:38,287 --> 00:09:39,913
No, it didn't.
And the one before that?
257
00:09:39,955 --> 00:09:42,499
- The Earth Turns.
- So did my stomach when I saw it.
258
00:09:42,541 --> 00:09:45,836
- Hey!
- What did Harry Drake do for you, Taylor?
259
00:09:45,877 --> 00:09:47,713
He took a no-talent,
run-of-the-mill
260
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:50,799
D-list hack actor who was
number nine on the call sheet
261
00:09:50,841 --> 00:09:52,467
of a fucking soap opera,
262
00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:53,802
got him jobs he didn't earn,
263
00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:56,305
didn't deserve
and couldn't fucking pull off.
264
00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:58,223
- Hey, what the fuck?
- You sit there,
265
00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:00,600
not giving a shit
about Spencer Tracy.
266
00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:02,996
You compare yourself to actors
that are way out of your league,
267
00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:05,314
and you think I'd stoop so low
as to work with you
268
00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:07,274
and fuck over Harry Drake
to boot?
269
00:10:07,316 --> 00:10:09,818
Well, I hope you got something
to fall back on, asshole,
270
00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:11,963
'cause the only house
in the Hamptons you're gonna see
271
00:10:11,987 --> 00:10:13,298
is the one with
the pool you're cleaning,
272
00:10:13,322 --> 00:10:14,906
and the only terrace
you're gonna know
273
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,783
is the one you jump off of.
274
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:22,164
You pay for the drinks,
you talentless shit.
275
00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:24,624
Yeah,
she had Harry's back.
276
00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:27,127
Dumb fuck.
277
00:10:27,169 --> 00:10:29,046
And at the end,
Harry wound up handing
278
00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:30,756
his biggest money earners
over to her,
279
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:32,132
the ones who stayed,
280
00:10:32,174 --> 00:10:35,093
bypassing his own associates
in the doing.
281
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:37,137
I was one of those associates.
282
00:10:37,179 --> 00:10:39,181
I liked this story
till you made it about you.
283
00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:40,867
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
284
00:10:40,891 --> 00:10:42,392
How the hell did that happen?
285
00:10:42,434 --> 00:10:44,704
Seriously, how the hell did
Susie end up with those clients?
286
00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:46,104
Kicked her into
the stratosphere.
287
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,272
It cemented her legend.
288
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:48,357
I know what happened.
289
00:10:48,398 --> 00:10:49,858
I'll tell you what happened.
290
00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:51,526
The minute
Harry was hospitalized,
291
00:10:51,568 --> 00:10:53,403
Susie weaseled her way
into his room.
292
00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:55,197
Brought forged documents over
293
00:10:55,238 --> 00:10:56,698
and forced the old man
to sign 'em.
294
00:10:56,740 --> 00:10:58,700
Wakey, wakey, Harry.
You got three more to sign,
295
00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:00,327
then you can shuffle off
to Buffalo.
296
00:11:00,369 --> 00:11:01,888
She didn't even
let his family in...
297
00:11:01,912 --> 00:11:04,164
- his daughter, no one.
- Dad. - Grandpa.
298
00:11:04,206 --> 00:11:05,832
- Is that Ruth?
- No. Keep signing.
299
00:11:05,874 --> 00:11:07,226
Dad, let us in, please.
300
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:09,628
- Keep signing, Harry.
- That's my father.
301
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,421
No, no, no, no.
That's not what I heard.
302
00:11:11,463 --> 00:11:12,815
- What did you hear?
- The daughter was there
303
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,007
but for a different reason.
304
00:11:14,049 --> 00:11:15,592
Susie got to the daughter,
305
00:11:15,634 --> 00:11:18,011
made a deal, and together,
they bamboozled Harry
306
00:11:18,053 --> 00:11:20,055
- into signing over his clients.
- Good job, Dad.
307
00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:22,432
- All done.
- The daughter got paid in cash
308
00:11:22,474 --> 00:11:24,476
- right there in the room.
- Bullshit, guys.
309
00:11:24,518 --> 00:11:25,852
Come on.
310
00:11:25,894 --> 00:11:27,771
My big sister was a nurse
at Lenox Hill.
311
00:11:27,813 --> 00:11:29,898
She was on duty that night.
She saw it all.
312
00:11:30,941 --> 00:11:32,442
Hello, Harry.
313
00:11:32,484 --> 00:11:34,611
Just checking in here.
Everything good?
314
00:11:34,653 --> 00:11:36,863
Very good.
Thank you, Linda.
315
00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:39,074
- You're sweet.
- So are you.
316
00:11:39,116 --> 00:11:40,784
Get some rest.
317
00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:43,829
- She's cute.
- Oh, stop.
318
00:11:45,497 --> 00:11:48,333
I think she got something
happening for me down there.
319
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:49,960
Check and see?
320
00:11:50,001 --> 00:11:52,146
You want me to see if you have
an erection? You are sick.
321
00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:55,090
- You're a sick man.
- Yup, I'm sick.
322
00:11:55,132 --> 00:11:56,341
I am sick.
323
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,802
Hey, stop that. Okay?
You promised.
324
00:11:58,844 --> 00:12:01,555
Most of his employees
had abandoned ship.
325
00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:03,056
The ones that stayed
were stealing
326
00:12:03,098 --> 00:12:04,683
the goddamn paintings
off the walls.
327
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,518
Harry, where's your daughter?
Where's Ruth?
328
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:08,687
I don't know. She's, uh...
329
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:11,273
I don't know.
330
00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:14,151
Hey, have you learned
to play golf yet?
331
00:12:14,192 --> 00:12:15,378
I'm not learning to play golf.
332
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:16,570
It's where deals get made.
333
00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:17,988
You have to golf.
334
00:12:18,029 --> 00:12:20,115
- I don't know.
- I'm gonna leave you my clubs.
335
00:12:20,157 --> 00:12:22,075
- I don't want your clubs.
- Golf with them,
336
00:12:22,117 --> 00:12:23,910
beat someone with them,
I don't care.
337
00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:25,745
You're taking my clubs.
338
00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:27,831
- Hi, Harry.
- Oh, hello.
339
00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:30,041
Oh, goody, we just got
that thing deflated.
340
00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:42,196
They never beat
the silents.
341
00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:43,555
Oh, now, come on.
342
00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:45,199
No. Nobody beat Keaton.
Not at his peak.
343
00:12:45,223 --> 00:12:47,851
Hell, he was 25
when he made this.
344
00:12:47,893 --> 00:12:49,060
He was a genius.
345
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,104
This is funny,
but there's funnier stuff.
346
00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:53,440
I'm on my deathbed,
and you're arguing with me?
347
00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:55,775
- This is not your deathbed.
- Susie...
348
00:12:56,818 --> 00:12:58,862
- I'm dying.
- Yeah, I know that.
349
00:12:58,904 --> 00:13:00,465
I meant I'm gonna move you
over to another bed
350
00:13:00,489 --> 00:13:01,615
when you're about to croak.
351
00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:02,991
This one's all gross and sweaty.
352
00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:08,705
Harry, you're the only one
who noticed me
353
00:13:08,747 --> 00:13:10,749
when no one else did.
354
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:11,958
Thank you for that.
355
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,336
Listen...
356
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:16,838
I'm signing some clients
over to you.
357
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,049
The big ones who stayed:
Jerry, Mel,
358
00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:21,801
- Peter, Lucy.
- Harry, no.
359
00:13:21,843 --> 00:13:23,887
I've discussed it with them,
and they're good to go.
360
00:13:23,929 --> 00:13:26,640
Just keep 'em on a path,
like you did with Midge.
361
00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:29,184
Keep 'em focused.
Keep 'em happy.
362
00:13:29,226 --> 00:13:30,602
But why? Why me?
363
00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:32,854
You're the only one I trust.
364
00:13:33,897 --> 00:13:35,899
- No. No.
- The lawyers are into it.
365
00:13:35,941 --> 00:13:37,317
You can do it.
366
00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:39,194
You can do it, Susie.
367
00:13:40,237 --> 00:13:42,906
We're, uh, missing the movie.
368
00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:46,618
We're missing the movie.
369
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,500
He's comfortable.
370
00:13:59,256 --> 00:14:00,924
Ruth?
371
00:14:06,388 --> 00:14:08,056
I'm here, Dad.
372
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:19,985
- Shit.
- Shit.
373
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:21,403
Sad.
374
00:14:21,444 --> 00:14:23,530
It's not what I heard.
375
00:14:23,572 --> 00:14:25,240
Okay, let me bring up
a very funny man,
376
00:14:25,282 --> 00:14:27,576
the funniest man in the room,
which is saying nothing.
377
00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:29,619
Ray Ortiz!
378
00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:35,250
Thank you, and hello, Susie.
379
00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:36,978
You know, the only reason
Susie's here right now
380
00:14:37,002 --> 00:14:38,229
is because she heard
there are two-to-one odds
381
00:14:38,253 --> 00:14:40,422
she'd even show up.
382
00:14:40,463 --> 00:14:42,024
I'm not saying
she has a gambling problem,
383
00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:43,276
but she made a call
to her bookie
384
00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:44,527
halfway through Field of Dreams.
385
00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:47,280
I mean,
when she plays solitaire,
386
00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:49,180
she bets against herself.
387
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:51,808
She once tried to go double
or nothing at an IRS audit.
388
00:14:53,476 --> 00:14:54,912
When I introduced Susie
to my twin daughters,
389
00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:56,771
she said,
"Two eights? Split 'em!"
390
00:14:57,981 --> 00:14:59,608
And then there's the boys.
391
00:14:59,649 --> 00:15:02,527
You know what I mean,
"the boys," huh?
392
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,446
And where there's the boys,
there's Susie,
393
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:06,823
begging them to let her keep
her pinky finger one more day.
394
00:15:08,450 --> 00:15:10,243
But really,
these are just rumors.
395
00:15:10,285 --> 00:15:11,786
Rumors? Ha!
396
00:15:11,828 --> 00:15:14,164
The mob had their hands
in her pockets since day one,
397
00:15:14,205 --> 00:15:15,850
just like Harry Drake,
just like all of 'em.
398
00:15:15,874 --> 00:15:17,226
Yeah, like I was gonna say that
to the room.
399
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,543
I prefer being alive.
400
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,253
But Susie leaned into it,
401
00:15:20,295 --> 00:15:21,588
more than others.
402
00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:23,357
It started with that thing
with Dinah Rutledge.
403
00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:25,276
- You all know her, right?
- Mm-hmm. Sure. - D-Ruttles.
404
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:27,677
- Susie's number two.
- She runs the New York branch.
405
00:15:27,719 --> 00:15:30,031
She runs New York, period. She's tough as Susie.
- I'll say.
406
00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:33,141
It was 1961, '62,
that's when Susie went all in,
407
00:15:33,183 --> 00:15:34,559
made those guys her muscle.
408
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:37,604
Hey, get me in
at the Copa tonight.
409
00:15:37,646 --> 00:15:40,148
In the way back,
not like last time.
410
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:41,566
I looked like an asshole
411
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,085
walking out in the middle
of that guy's act.
412
00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:44,611
And let's start rolling calls.
413
00:15:44,653 --> 00:15:46,821
- Guys from William Morris first.
- Yup.
414
00:15:48,406 --> 00:15:49,866
- You okay?
- Yeah.
415
00:15:51,242 --> 00:15:52,369
Dinah.
416
00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:54,496
Ow.
417
00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:56,706
What the fuck?
How did this happen?
418
00:15:56,748 --> 00:15:58,833
And do not tell me
it was a fucking doorknob.
419
00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:00,293
It was Ronald.
420
00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:02,253
He got drunk, he got mad,
he got jealous.
421
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,089
- Dinah.
- I kicked him out. We're done.
422
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:05,632
You bet your ass you're done.
423
00:16:07,258 --> 00:16:08,885
Look, you are gonna be
a manager one day,
424
00:16:08,927 --> 00:16:10,679
so I got to keep you
in one piece.
425
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:12,681
But I'll make you a deal, okay?
426
00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:14,349
From here on,
I get prior approval
427
00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:15,850
over any guy you date.
428
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,769
Stop it, it hurts to smile.
429
00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:20,105
No, he's got to come in here,
fill out a questionnaire.
430
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:22,524
It'll be quite lengthy,
50, 60 pages.
431
00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:24,359
And then I want to see him
in a bathing suit.
432
00:16:24,401 --> 00:16:26,444
A tight one. I want you to see
what you're getting.
433
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,279
Whatever you say,
boss.
434
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:29,948
Okay, go home. Rest.
435
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,950
Take a taxi,
not the subway.
436
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,326
Thanks.
437
00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:35,704
And I'm sending over
a massive amount of Zabar's.
438
00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:37,956
Lots of chicken soup and babka.
439
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:40,291
- And candied fruit?
- And candied fruit.
440
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,544
Now go.
I'll see you tomorrow.
441
00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:44,505
Yeah, you think
that was the end of it?
442
00:16:44,546 --> 00:16:46,256
Hell no.
443
00:16:47,799 --> 00:16:50,427
- Now I need a favor.
- Sure. What is it?
444
00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:51,803
♪ How lucky can one guy be...
445
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:53,388
- Yeah?
- Your name Ronald?
446
00:16:53,430 --> 00:16:55,515
- Yeah. Who the fuck are you?
- Who the fuck are we?
447
00:16:55,557 --> 00:16:57,308
We're friends of Susie Myerson.
448
00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:59,269
♪ Like the fella once said ♪
449
00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:01,604
- ♪ Ain't that a kick in the head...
- No! No!
450
00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:04,315
They were old-school, those guys. Thorough.
451
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:06,818
And they still own a piece
of every client Susie has.
452
00:17:08,737 --> 00:17:10,822
Every client except Maisel.
453
00:17:10,864 --> 00:17:12,365
Yeah,
how'd that happen?
454
00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:13,467
You said they were there
from the start.
455
00:17:13,491 --> 00:17:14,951
- Yeah, why not Maisel?
- Mm-hmm.
456
00:17:14,993 --> 00:17:16,619
I know,
and I'm gonna tell you
457
00:17:16,661 --> 00:17:18,121
right after I take a piss.
458
00:17:18,163 --> 00:17:19,807
Oh, Jesus Christ, Carmine.
459
00:17:19,831 --> 00:17:21,040
Carmine, finish the story.
460
00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:22,309
Let's bring up
our next speaker.
461
00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:23,960
You know him.
You're jealous of him.
462
00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:27,255
He's an Oscar-nominated
producer, three times over,
463
00:17:27,297 --> 00:17:30,216
an Emmy award-winning
television genius.
464
00:17:30,258 --> 00:17:33,219
Legendary executive producer
of The Gordon Ford Show,
465
00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:36,514
Mike Carr!
466
00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:42,395
Hello, all.
467
00:17:42,437 --> 00:17:44,272
- Hello, Susie.
- Mm-hmm.
468
00:17:44,314 --> 00:17:45,982
I still owe you that lunch,
don't I?
469
00:17:46,024 --> 00:17:48,443
I'll take the cash equivalent.
470
00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:50,779
So, who is Susie Myerson?
471
00:17:50,820 --> 00:17:52,280
She's the only person in America
472
00:17:52,322 --> 00:17:54,365
whose life was made better
by Arthur 2.
473
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,720
She's the only woman
who ever told Tom Cruise
474
00:17:57,744 --> 00:18:00,705
that he's "unfuckably short."
475
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:03,208
And she's the only person I know
who would get into
476
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,043
a screaming fight
with Sidney Lumet
477
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,878
at Anne Bancroft's
birthday party.
478
00:18:08,713 --> 00:18:10,215
Susie and I met on Gordon Ford.
479
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,801
And just a quick side note about
someone I worked with closely
480
00:18:12,842 --> 00:18:14,260
for a number of years there.
481
00:18:14,302 --> 00:18:17,722
It is the ten-year anniversary
of the passing
482
00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:22,018
of my old boss and mentor
at Gordon Ford, George Toledano.
483
00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:23,853
A lot of you knew him.
484
00:18:23,895 --> 00:18:25,230
A lot of you venerated him.
485
00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:28,066
He was a good man
who never really got his due,
486
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,484
and I miss him
every single day.
487
00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:30,693
Bull. Shit.
488
00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,612
Mikey hated George
with a passion.
489
00:18:32,654 --> 00:18:34,113
But George was Gordon's guy.
490
00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:35,448
Georgie made Gordon.
491
00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:36,825
Hell, when George found him,
492
00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:38,493
Gordon was doing
traffic and weather
493
00:18:38,535 --> 00:18:40,286
in some bumfuck town.
494
00:18:40,328 --> 00:18:41,806
- His sidekick was a chicken.
- Mr. Cock-a-doodle-doo.
495
00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:43,164
That's not even
a chicken sound.
496
00:18:43,206 --> 00:18:45,291
That's how lame it was.
497
00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:48,294
But George saw something in him,
put him on the fast track.
498
00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:50,088
Hell, everyone thought
the only way George
499
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:51,798
would leave Gordon's side
was in a coffin.
500
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:54,050
- So, what happened?
- Susie happened.
501
00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:55,635
- Oh, yeah.
- What? - I know this story.
502
00:18:55,677 --> 00:18:57,804
- I do, too.
- Okay, but I'm telling it.
503
00:18:57,846 --> 00:18:59,722
Mike was the talent booker.
504
00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:02,308
He and Susie started getting
all buddy-buddy.
505
00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:05,728
Another odd couple,
like her and Harry.
506
00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,540
No, you know how you say
a word too many times,
507
00:19:07,564 --> 00:19:09,065
it stops sounding like a word?
508
00:19:09,107 --> 00:19:10,441
Well, there's a word for that.
509
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:12,323
- What's the word?
- I can't remember the word.
510
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,153
Cess, you went to Harvard.
What's the word?
511
00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:15,947
I don't know.
I didn't major in words.
512
00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:18,217
- It's gonna bug me.
- She's doing the tennis pro.
513
00:19:18,241 --> 00:19:20,034
- Get out.
- People say.
514
00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:21,536
Was it legit camaraderie
515
00:19:21,578 --> 00:19:23,538
or just Susie
working some angle?
516
00:19:23,580 --> 00:19:26,249
Either way,
the angle presented itself.
517
00:19:26,291 --> 00:19:28,001
Hey, Mike.
Who made that dumb rule
518
00:19:28,042 --> 00:19:31,713
that anyone who works on
the show can't be on the show?
519
00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:33,131
It's George.
520
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:34,507
George made the rule about
521
00:19:34,549 --> 00:19:36,068
no one working on the show
appearing on the show.
522
00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:38,386
It's some dumb
superstition of his
523
00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:41,848
dating back to, I don't know,
when he was a boy in Pompeii.
524
00:19:41,890 --> 00:19:44,058
Gordon follows it 'cause...
525
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:47,395
I don't know.
I don't know anything.
526
00:19:47,437 --> 00:19:49,230
George, huh?
527
00:19:49,272 --> 00:19:50,607
Semantic satiation!
528
00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:52,025
That's two words.
529
00:19:52,066 --> 00:19:53,776
Susie didn't
like George either.
530
00:19:53,818 --> 00:19:55,904
Even before she became
the great Susie Myerson,
531
00:19:55,945 --> 00:19:58,197
- small slights cut deep.
- Good morning.
532
00:19:58,239 --> 00:20:00,199
Hi, George.
You remember Susie.
533
00:20:00,241 --> 00:20:01,451
I don't believe we've met.
534
00:20:01,492 --> 00:20:02,952
Oh, you've definitely met.
535
00:20:02,994 --> 00:20:05,455
- Have we?
- Only like half a dozen times.
536
00:20:05,496 --> 00:20:09,167
- Well, then... good to see you.
- Mm.
537
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,585
One thing
Susie never liked
538
00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:12,587
- was not being remembered.
- Pleasure's mine.
539
00:20:12,629 --> 00:20:14,213
That man was in her sights.
540
00:20:14,255 --> 00:20:16,424
One night, there's
a staff party in the studio.
541
00:20:16,466 --> 00:20:19,010
Their 500th show,
some shit like that.
542
00:20:19,052 --> 00:20:20,970
The booze is free,
so of course Susie's there.
543
00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:23,389
She gets bored,
she starts wandering around.
544
00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:24,891
Don't push me like this, George!
545
00:20:24,933 --> 00:20:27,727
Just get it the fuck done, Mike,
or I'll find somebody who can.
546
00:20:27,769 --> 00:20:30,730
Susie's super curious,
so she goes after Mike.
547
00:20:30,772 --> 00:20:32,374
He treats me like
I'm the fucking receptionist.
548
00:20:32,398 --> 00:20:33,959
Demeans me in front of the staff
every chance he gets.
549
00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:35,336
- Mike's had it.
- I've fucking had it.
550
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,570
- Does Gordon know that?
- Oh, he knows.
551
00:20:37,612 --> 00:20:39,238
He's dangled me
producing shows for him
552
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,532
when his network deal closes,
but guess what.
553
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,701
- They can't make a deal.
- What? Why?
554
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:45,495
Gordon's number one.
What's the holdup?
555
00:20:45,536 --> 00:20:48,039
I'd put fucking money on George
Toledano being the holdup.
556
00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:49,975
Susie had invested
a lot of time in Mike Carr,
557
00:20:49,999 --> 00:20:51,709
and she did not want him
to leave.
558
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:54,045
- George, huh?
- He could decide to, I don't know,
559
00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:56,297
go into his father-in-law's
fucking plumbing business,
560
00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:58,091
and what good would that
do Susie?
561
00:20:58,132 --> 00:21:02,637
She had a plumber, so
she decided to do some snooping.
562
00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:05,348
Have you gone through his stuff?
563
00:21:05,390 --> 00:21:07,141
Whose stuff?
564
00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:09,894
You can't do this.
565
00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:12,146
Sure I can. Just watch.
566
00:21:12,188 --> 00:21:13,908
There's security guards
that walk the floor.
567
00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:15,566
They're all at the party.
568
00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:19,529
Eh, bullshit,
bullshit, bullshit.
569
00:21:19,570 --> 00:21:21,447
Ooh. Why does he have
rubber gloves?
570
00:21:21,489 --> 00:21:22,549
I don't know,
maybe to go through my stuff.
571
00:21:22,573 --> 00:21:25,493
Locked drawer.
572
00:21:25,535 --> 00:21:27,412
These douchebags
that never open letters,
573
00:21:27,453 --> 00:21:29,080
but they all have
letter openers.
574
00:21:29,122 --> 00:21:30,623
I truly despise that.
575
00:21:30,665 --> 00:21:32,375
Okay, I can't be here.
Goodbye.
576
00:21:36,254 --> 00:21:38,190
She's either the best
snoop in the business
577
00:21:38,214 --> 00:21:41,217
or the luckiest son of a bitch
who ever walked the planet.
578
00:21:41,259 --> 00:21:43,845
The gun was smoking
like a three-alarm fire,
579
00:21:43,886 --> 00:21:46,723
and Mikey's life
was about to change.
580
00:21:46,764 --> 00:21:48,307
And as for George...
581
00:21:48,349 --> 00:21:50,143
Dorie, is it possible
582
00:21:50,184 --> 00:21:52,020
you're more beautiful today
than yesterday?
583
00:21:52,061 --> 00:21:55,023
I did change my lashes.
584
00:21:55,064 --> 00:21:57,066
How's the best writing staff
in the business?
585
00:21:58,943 --> 00:22:00,236
Nice suit, George.
586
00:22:01,654 --> 00:22:04,824
Oh, you look trim, Freddie.
What's your secret?
587
00:22:04,866 --> 00:22:06,409
Grapefruit, George.
588
00:22:06,451 --> 00:22:07,744
Alan?
589
00:22:07,785 --> 00:22:09,620
The poor bastard
never saw it coming.
590
00:22:09,662 --> 00:22:11,181
Gordon would like you
and your personal effects
591
00:22:11,205 --> 00:22:12,874
gone within the hour.
592
00:22:12,915 --> 00:22:14,959
Turns out
George was single-handedly
593
00:22:15,001 --> 00:22:16,669
holding up Gordon's contract.
594
00:22:16,711 --> 00:22:18,921
George wanted
his mortgage paid off,
595
00:22:18,963 --> 00:22:21,007
a new boat,
a fucking horse farm,
596
00:22:21,049 --> 00:22:23,009
a house for a "friend."
597
00:22:23,051 --> 00:22:26,137
When Gordon heard,
he blew his stack
598
00:22:26,179 --> 00:22:28,514
and Mikey got the job.
599
00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:31,350
Hey, Dinah!
This one just winked at me.
600
00:22:31,392 --> 00:22:32,911
Pigeons don't wink.
It blinked.
601
00:22:32,935 --> 00:22:35,146
It fucking winked,
I'm telling you.
602
00:22:35,188 --> 00:22:36,814
Good God, that amuses me.
603
00:22:36,856 --> 00:22:38,316
Why does that amuse me so much?
604
00:22:38,357 --> 00:22:40,026
It's because
you're easily amused.
605
00:22:40,068 --> 00:22:42,695
It was all in a day's
work for Susie Myerson.
606
00:22:42,737 --> 00:22:44,739
Goddamn, I love these things.
607
00:22:44,781 --> 00:22:47,492
So, Susie,
608
00:22:47,533 --> 00:22:49,368
my old friend.
609
00:22:49,410 --> 00:22:52,205
Old, old friend.
610
00:22:52,246 --> 00:22:55,541
You're very old.
611
00:22:55,583 --> 00:22:57,710
I'll leave you with this.
612
00:22:58,711 --> 00:23:01,047
Okay.
613
00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:05,718
- Yeah, Susie!
- Okay, okay.
614
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,137
You've taken your piss,
my brother, now talk.
615
00:23:08,179 --> 00:23:09,680
Yeah, come on, spill.
616
00:23:09,722 --> 00:23:11,602
How did Midge Maisel get out
from under the mob?
617
00:23:11,641 --> 00:23:13,744
All right, so you know about
Midge's first husband, right?
618
00:23:13,768 --> 00:23:15,061
The man who gave her the Maisel?
619
00:23:15,103 --> 00:23:17,146
Well, I have worked
for Joel Maisel,
620
00:23:17,188 --> 00:23:18,898
and he is one tough
son of a bitch,
621
00:23:18,940 --> 00:23:20,918
- let me tell you.
- He just got out of the clink, right?
622
00:23:20,942 --> 00:23:23,295
Yeah, he got caught up in that
big FBI sweep a few years back.
623
00:23:23,319 --> 00:23:25,321
- Blame Susie for that, too.
- Jesus. - No.
624
00:23:25,363 --> 00:23:26,882
Yeah. Now, the mob had
sunk their teeth into Susie
625
00:23:26,906 --> 00:23:28,950
from the start,
so they owned Midge lock,
626
00:23:28,991 --> 00:23:32,328
stock and barrel, and
Joel Maisel wasn't having it.
627
00:23:34,372 --> 00:23:36,374
He's in your office.
628
00:23:36,415 --> 00:23:37,917
Goddamn it.
629
00:23:37,959 --> 00:23:39,502
He'd just busted in,
630
00:23:39,544 --> 00:23:41,772
demanded to know what they were
getting of his ex-wife's.
631
00:23:41,796 --> 00:23:44,257
- Are you fucking crazy?
- Where are they?
632
00:23:44,298 --> 00:23:46,134
- Where's what?
- Your books.
633
00:23:46,175 --> 00:23:47,677
My accountant has 'em.
634
00:23:47,718 --> 00:23:49,387
Not those books.
635
00:23:50,972 --> 00:23:52,598
These books.
636
00:23:53,599 --> 00:23:56,185
You know, there are laws
against breaking and entering.
637
00:23:57,436 --> 00:23:59,647
Asshole. Asshole!
638
00:23:59,689 --> 00:24:01,291
It was all there
in black and white.
639
00:24:01,315 --> 00:24:03,109
For every 100 bucks Midge made,
640
00:24:03,151 --> 00:24:06,612
Susie got 15
and the mob got 30.
641
00:24:06,654 --> 00:24:08,340
- I told you not to call the cops.
- I didn't.
642
00:24:08,364 --> 00:24:10,217
This is my cousin Dougie,
he was meeting me for lunch.
643
00:24:10,241 --> 00:24:12,535
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
644
00:24:12,577 --> 00:24:14,203
Shit.
645
00:24:14,245 --> 00:24:16,372
Guys, wait. Hold up.
646
00:24:16,414 --> 00:24:18,833
- So, you know this man?
- Yes.
647
00:24:18,875 --> 00:24:20,501
- Do you want to press charges?
- No.
648
00:24:20,543 --> 00:24:21,919
It's a misunderstanding.
649
00:24:21,961 --> 00:24:23,355
Care to explain
the misunderstanding?
650
00:24:23,379 --> 00:24:25,047
Nope. Just let him go.
651
00:24:28,801 --> 00:24:30,386
Leave the premises.
652
00:24:30,428 --> 00:24:32,346
- I'll make sure he goes.
- Rain check, Dougie?
653
00:24:32,388 --> 00:24:33,431
Yup.
654
00:24:34,432 --> 00:24:36,350
Joel, listen.
655
00:24:36,392 --> 00:24:38,060
She's gonna make
so much goddam money,
656
00:24:38,102 --> 00:24:39,437
it's not gonna matter.
657
00:24:39,478 --> 00:24:42,440
I will commit my life to her,
everything.
658
00:24:42,481 --> 00:24:44,066
I'm gonna make this happen.
659
00:24:44,108 --> 00:24:46,152
This situation,
it'll be a footnote.
660
00:24:46,194 --> 00:24:47,486
They own her, Susie.
661
00:24:47,528 --> 00:24:49,280
I can fix this.
662
00:24:49,322 --> 00:24:51,616
He knew there was
no fixing it, not for Susie.
663
00:24:51,657 --> 00:24:53,159
So, what does he do?
664
00:24:53,201 --> 00:24:55,244
He walks straight
into the lion's den.
665
00:24:55,286 --> 00:25:00,124
♪ I love
those J-I-N-G-L-E bells ♪
666
00:25:02,710 --> 00:25:06,005
♪ Those holiday J-I-N-G-L-E
bells...
667
00:25:07,632 --> 00:25:11,928
♪ Those happy J-I-N-G-L-E
B-E double-L-S ♪
668
00:25:11,969 --> 00:25:14,931
- ♪ I love those...
- Can we help you?
669
00:25:14,972 --> 00:25:17,099
Frank and Nicky, right?
670
00:25:17,141 --> 00:25:18,351
Yeah?
671
00:25:18,392 --> 00:25:20,686
I'm Joel Maisel.
You got a minute?
672
00:25:20,728 --> 00:25:22,897
Sure.
673
00:25:22,939 --> 00:25:25,233
We'll be right back, guys. Hey.
674
00:25:27,026 --> 00:25:28,069
There's good.
675
00:25:28,110 --> 00:25:29,320
You're Frank?
676
00:25:29,362 --> 00:25:31,197
Yeah. That's Nicky.
677
00:25:31,239 --> 00:25:33,175
You know, my mother actually
named me after St. Nicholas,
678
00:25:33,199 --> 00:25:35,701
'cause I came out fat and jolly.
679
00:25:35,743 --> 00:25:38,454
Plus, my pop got clipped
on Christmas.
680
00:25:38,496 --> 00:25:40,039
My kids are waiting.
What's up?
681
00:25:40,081 --> 00:25:41,958
You can't have Midge.
682
00:25:41,999 --> 00:25:43,834
- What?
- You can't have her.
683
00:25:43,876 --> 00:25:45,795
- You just can't.
- I don't get it.
684
00:25:45,836 --> 00:25:46,837
We don't have Midge.
685
00:25:46,879 --> 00:25:48,798
But you have Susie, right?
686
00:25:48,839 --> 00:25:50,216
We don't talk about our clients.
687
00:25:50,258 --> 00:25:52,009
Look, I'm not a schmuck.
688
00:25:52,051 --> 00:25:54,387
I didn't come here empty-handed.
689
00:25:54,428 --> 00:25:56,264
I've got something to offer
in exchange.
690
00:25:56,305 --> 00:25:57,515
- Really?
- What?
691
00:25:57,556 --> 00:25:59,141
- Me.
- You?
692
00:25:59,183 --> 00:26:00,661
Trying to picture you
in a cocktail dress.
693
00:26:00,685 --> 00:26:03,145
I've got a place in Chinatown.
A nightclub.
694
00:26:03,187 --> 00:26:05,690
Turns big profits,
it's got lines around the block.
695
00:26:05,731 --> 00:26:07,400
- Chinatown, huh?
- Hmm. Tough market.
696
00:26:07,441 --> 00:26:10,111
I'm fucking good at this,
this business.
697
00:26:10,152 --> 00:26:12,280
I make money.
698
00:26:12,321 --> 00:26:14,865
And with the right financing,
I could expand quick,
699
00:26:14,907 --> 00:26:18,286
quicker than what I'm doing now.
700
00:26:18,327 --> 00:26:19,704
You guys do financing, right?
701
00:26:19,745 --> 00:26:21,497
Yeah, we do financing.
702
00:26:21,539 --> 00:26:23,082
Then let go of her.
703
00:26:23,124 --> 00:26:24,917
Let her walk away.
704
00:26:24,959 --> 00:26:27,128
Look, Joel, she's starting
to make good money.
705
00:26:27,169 --> 00:26:30,423
She's the mother of my kids,
and I want her clear of this.
706
00:26:32,466 --> 00:26:33,843
You've got kids.
707
00:26:36,304 --> 00:26:38,306
- Give us a minute.
- Sure.
708
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:49,483
Would you like
a cookie?
709
00:26:49,525 --> 00:26:50,985
I made them myself.
710
00:26:51,027 --> 00:26:53,321
- Which one's the best?
- The star.
711
00:26:55,740 --> 00:26:59,327
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
712
00:27:03,748 --> 00:27:05,916
You ever been popped?
713
00:27:05,958 --> 00:27:07,543
- No.
- Good.
714
00:27:07,585 --> 00:27:09,211
The old man liked the idea.
715
00:27:09,253 --> 00:27:11,255
You, as like, a front man.
716
00:27:11,297 --> 00:27:13,591
He's already got ideas
for cities to put clubs in.
717
00:27:13,632 --> 00:27:15,593
Cities we do business in.
718
00:27:15,634 --> 00:27:17,428
Always open to ideas.
719
00:27:17,470 --> 00:27:19,597
So, you'll leave Midge alone?
720
00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:23,309
You got some balls on you, pal,
I'll give you that.
721
00:27:23,351 --> 00:27:25,853
Yeah, we'll leave Midge alone.
722
00:27:25,895 --> 00:27:28,481
Okay.
723
00:27:28,522 --> 00:27:31,192
So, what happens now?
724
00:27:31,233 --> 00:27:33,652
We should get back to the kids.
725
00:27:37,490 --> 00:27:39,575
Happy Hanukkah.
726
00:27:40,618 --> 00:27:42,596
He skirted charges
longer than anybody thought
727
00:27:42,620 --> 00:27:44,955
he could, had good lawyers,
caught some breaks.
728
00:27:44,997 --> 00:27:46,916
But ultimately
they threw the book at him,
729
00:27:46,957 --> 00:27:50,044
hard, brought the whole thing
tumbling down.
730
00:27:50,086 --> 00:27:52,797
He took the full rap.
731
00:27:52,838 --> 00:27:54,924
Protected that partner of his,
Archie Cleary,
732
00:27:54,965 --> 00:27:56,592
made sure he was okay.
733
00:27:56,634 --> 00:27:58,969
He supposedly stashed some money
in Bermuda or somewhere
734
00:27:59,011 --> 00:28:00,930
for when he got out.
Who knows?
735
00:28:00,971 --> 00:28:04,225
And Midge, well,
she never deserted him.
736
00:28:07,895 --> 00:28:09,313
Susie Myerson.
737
00:28:09,355 --> 00:28:11,399
Is she gay, is she straight?
Who can tell?
738
00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:13,901
But I've seen some of the deals she's closed
739
00:28:13,943 --> 00:28:15,528
over the years,
and one group of people
740
00:28:15,569 --> 00:28:18,656
I know she fucks is her clients.
741
00:28:18,697 --> 00:28:20,783
But, you know,
she just got George Carlin
742
00:28:20,825 --> 00:28:22,701
booked on a children's show.
Yeah.
743
00:28:22,743 --> 00:28:24,995
Next year he's taking over
for Ringo Starr
744
00:28:25,037 --> 00:28:27,081
on Shining Time
Cocksucker Shit Piss
745
00:28:27,123 --> 00:28:29,458
Fuck Cunt Tits Motherfucker Station.
746
00:28:33,045 --> 00:28:34,880
So, Susie, you ready
for a special guest?
747
00:28:34,922 --> 00:28:35,965
- No.
- Too bad.
748
00:28:37,007 --> 00:28:39,927
It took three connecting flights
and two B-12 injections
749
00:28:39,969 --> 00:28:41,947
to get our next guest here,
but get her here we did.
750
00:28:41,971 --> 00:28:45,307
Ladies and gentlemen, Susie's
little sister Tessie Myerson.
751
00:28:45,349 --> 00:28:48,894
Yeah.
752
00:28:48,936 --> 00:28:52,106
- Hiya, sis.
- Hello, Tess.
753
00:28:52,148 --> 00:28:53,941
So, so, so,
754
00:28:53,983 --> 00:28:58,112
so, what can I say
about Susie Myerson
755
00:28:58,154 --> 00:29:00,823
that hasn't been said
about Pol Pot?
756
00:29:03,284 --> 00:29:04,845
When I introduced her
to my twin daughters,
757
00:29:04,869 --> 00:29:08,038
she said,
"Two eights? Split 'em."
758
00:29:10,666 --> 00:29:12,126
I should've been a comedian.
759
00:29:12,168 --> 00:29:13,979
- That was weird.
- Super weird.
760
00:29:14,003 --> 00:29:15,880
She just did
everybody else's jokes.
761
00:29:15,921 --> 00:29:18,632
Susie is the only person I know
762
00:29:18,674 --> 00:29:20,593
who would get into
a screaming fight
763
00:29:20,634 --> 00:29:25,181
with Sidney Lumet at
Anne Bancroft's birthday party.
764
00:29:25,222 --> 00:29:28,017
- Who is Sidney Lumet?
- Okay, Tessie, wrap it up.
765
00:29:28,058 --> 00:29:30,561
But in all honesty, sis.
766
00:29:30,603 --> 00:29:31,979
I'm thrilled to be here.
767
00:29:32,021 --> 00:29:34,607
You've always
been my rock,
768
00:29:34,648 --> 00:29:37,318
and you've always been
supportive of me.
769
00:29:37,359 --> 00:29:39,069
Happy birthday.
770
00:29:39,111 --> 00:29:40,464
It's not my fucking birthday.
771
00:29:40,488 --> 00:29:41,530
This woman.
772
00:29:41,572 --> 00:29:45,534
This woman had belief
and passion
773
00:29:45,576 --> 00:29:48,329
for my singing career
when no one else did.
774
00:29:48,370 --> 00:29:51,165
- Oh, boy.
- She is solely responsible
775
00:29:51,207 --> 00:29:54,835
for my smash disco single
"Never Ever Gonna Stop."
776
00:29:54,877 --> 00:29:58,339
It hit number 85
on the Billboard Dance charts,
777
00:29:58,380 --> 00:30:01,967
and it even made it
to number one in Indonesia.
778
00:30:02,009 --> 00:30:04,845
I mean, I didn't even know
Indonesia was real before that,
779
00:30:04,887 --> 00:30:06,430
and now I live there.
780
00:30:06,472 --> 00:30:07,973
It was Susie's idea.
781
00:30:08,015 --> 00:30:11,310
Anyway, I'm gonna liven
this morgue up a bit
782
00:30:11,352 --> 00:30:13,312
and do it for you now.
Hit it.
783
00:30:14,813 --> 00:30:18,567
♪ When I saw you
at the nightclub ♪
784
00:30:18,609 --> 00:30:20,611
♪ You were dancing ♪
785
00:30:20,653 --> 00:30:22,488
And then it just got
fucking weirder.
786
00:30:22,530 --> 00:30:23,948
♪ Let me rub your face ♪
787
00:30:23,989 --> 00:30:25,950
- ♪ While you shake your hips ♪
- Okay.
788
00:30:25,991 --> 00:30:29,620
♪ I'm just a baby girl
who wants to taste your lips ♪
789
00:30:29,662 --> 00:30:31,288
♪ You say you have to go ♪
790
00:30:31,330 --> 00:30:35,167
♪ But, boy, there's something
you should know ♪
791
00:30:35,209 --> 00:30:38,754
♪ It's that I'm never,
never, ever ♪
792
00:30:38,796 --> 00:30:43,175
♪ Gonna stop loving you,
watching you, following you ♪
793
00:30:43,217 --> 00:30:47,096
♪ Never, never, ever
gonna stop ♪ ♪
794
00:30:48,264 --> 00:30:49,824
Hey, hey, you stopped it
before the best part.
795
00:30:49,848 --> 00:30:52,017
- The sex groaning.
- There we go.
796
00:30:52,059 --> 00:30:54,728
Tessie Myerson, everybody.
797
00:30:54,770 --> 00:30:59,984
- Keep boogying, people.
- Oh, yeah.
798
00:31:00,025 --> 00:31:02,069
Talent sure runs
in the family.
799
00:31:02,111 --> 00:31:03,862
So Susie did that
for her sister?
800
00:31:03,904 --> 00:31:06,073
- That-that was a nice thing?
- No...
801
00:31:06,115 --> 00:31:08,784
- Yes, it was a nice thing.
- She's not a total monster.
802
00:31:08,826 --> 00:31:10,720
Yeah, she was a great manager,
up until she dumped me.
803
00:31:10,744 --> 00:31:13,497
She was great because she'd do
anything for her client.
804
00:31:13,539 --> 00:31:15,517
Do you know the Midge Maisel
Hawaiian wedding story?
805
00:31:15,541 --> 00:31:16,601
- Spill it.
- Let's hear it.
806
00:31:16,625 --> 00:31:18,836
I just hope to God it's true.
807
00:31:18,877 --> 00:31:22,339
Ah...
808
00:31:22,381 --> 00:31:24,049
- You hear that?
- Hear what?
809
00:31:24,091 --> 00:31:25,426
The fucking ocean.
810
00:31:25,467 --> 00:31:26,736
You can't hear
the fucking ocean?
811
00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:28,137
Sounds a little like traffic.
812
00:31:28,178 --> 00:31:29,847
Hey, Marcy, get Lucius
back on the line.
813
00:31:29,888 --> 00:31:31,181
And is that a ukulele?
814
00:31:31,223 --> 00:31:34,101
I am so at peace.
Like, for the first time ever.
815
00:31:34,143 --> 00:31:36,937
I'm eating pineapple every day.
816
00:31:36,979 --> 00:31:38,939
I want to buy a house here.
817
00:31:40,190 --> 00:31:42,610
Jesus Christ, you scared me.
818
00:31:42,651 --> 00:31:44,653
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
819
00:31:44,695 --> 00:31:46,488
What, zip up?
I'll help you zip up.
820
00:31:46,530 --> 00:31:49,908
Not zip up. I can't do this.
I can't get married.
821
00:31:49,950 --> 00:31:51,410
I'll call you back.
822
00:31:51,452 --> 00:31:52,995
Oh, are you
fucking kidding?
823
00:31:55,414 --> 00:31:57,082
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
824
00:31:57,124 --> 00:31:59,001
It's a mistake. Can't do it.
825
00:31:59,043 --> 00:32:01,795
Miriam, there are 700 people
here to see you get married.
826
00:32:01,837 --> 00:32:02,963
- I know.
- In 20 minutes.
827
00:32:03,005 --> 00:32:05,257
- I know.
- We rented a fucking island.
828
00:32:05,299 --> 00:32:06,925
Flew people in
from all over the world.
829
00:32:06,967 --> 00:32:08,344
I know, I know.
830
00:32:08,385 --> 00:32:10,012
The Jordan almond budget alone
831
00:32:10,054 --> 00:32:11,347
could finance
a Navy SEAL strike.
832
00:32:11,388 --> 00:32:12,973
I hate Jordan almonds.
833
00:32:13,015 --> 00:32:13,974
You are getting married.
834
00:32:14,016 --> 00:32:14,975
- No.
- Yes.
835
00:32:15,017 --> 00:32:16,727
- No, No!
- Yes. Why?! Why?
836
00:32:16,769 --> 00:32:18,395
I don't love him.
837
00:32:18,437 --> 00:32:20,064
You didn't love
the last guy either.
838
00:32:20,105 --> 00:32:21,065
That didn't stop you.
839
00:32:21,106 --> 00:32:23,108
It's not him.
Philip is great.
840
00:32:23,150 --> 00:32:26,320
He really is, but there's love
and then there's love, you know.
841
00:32:26,362 --> 00:32:27,780
And then there's love.
842
00:32:27,821 --> 00:32:29,823
And I don't have that
right kind of love-love
843
00:32:29,865 --> 00:32:30,949
for him, you know?
844
00:32:30,991 --> 00:32:32,701
I am gonna beat you
with a pineapple.
845
00:32:32,743 --> 00:32:34,953
I know it's crazy,
but I was in my room
846
00:32:34,995 --> 00:32:36,455
and I looked at myself
in this outfit
847
00:32:36,497 --> 00:32:38,457
and I thought,
this is not a good outfit.
848
00:32:38,499 --> 00:32:41,210
- This outfit is a cry for help.
- The pants were surprising.
849
00:32:41,251 --> 00:32:42,461
And the guest list?
850
00:32:42,503 --> 00:32:44,088
This started off
as an intimate wedding.
851
00:32:44,129 --> 00:32:47,049
Thirty people, 50.
Just our closest friends.
852
00:32:47,091 --> 00:32:49,259
Then it just kept expanding
and expanding
853
00:32:49,301 --> 00:32:52,304
till it turned
into this 700-headed monster.
854
00:32:52,346 --> 00:32:55,599
Comedians I barely know,
relatives I have never met.
855
00:32:55,641 --> 00:32:57,142
Four ex-boyfriends.
856
00:32:57,184 --> 00:32:59,770
So many bad vibes.
What was I thinking?
857
00:32:59,812 --> 00:33:00,771
The more the merrier?
858
00:33:00,813 --> 00:33:02,690
He has no sense of humor.
859
00:33:02,731 --> 00:33:04,942
I need a man who
makes me laugh at breakfast,
860
00:33:04,983 --> 00:33:07,444
and he just doesn't
make me laugh.
861
00:33:07,486 --> 00:33:09,613
I hate him for that.
I shouldn't hate him,
862
00:33:09,655 --> 00:33:11,073
but I do.
863
00:33:11,115 --> 00:33:14,076
- I am loving Philip Roth.
- Such a gentleman.
864
00:33:14,118 --> 00:33:16,995
He just gave me a complete set
of his books.
865
00:33:17,037 --> 00:33:18,997
Signed. Terrific guy.
866
00:33:19,039 --> 00:33:21,625
He seems to have it in
for that Norman Mailer fellow,
867
00:33:21,667 --> 00:33:23,419
also very charming.
868
00:33:23,460 --> 00:33:25,129
Are we ready to go?
869
00:33:25,170 --> 00:33:27,548
I think I'm still
in love with Joel.
870
00:33:27,589 --> 00:33:29,550
- What?
- Joel's not funny either.
871
00:33:29,591 --> 00:33:31,009
- What's happening?
- Get this.
872
00:33:31,051 --> 00:33:33,512
She is considering backing out
of the fucking marriage,
873
00:33:33,554 --> 00:33:35,222
until she comes
to her fucking senses
874
00:33:35,264 --> 00:33:36,765
and stops looking
for crazy reasons
875
00:33:36,807 --> 00:33:38,076
to back out
of the fucking marriage.
876
00:33:38,100 --> 00:33:39,727
I'm sorry, I'm still
in love with Joel.
877
00:33:39,768 --> 00:33:41,103
- Joel who?
- Joel Grey?
878
00:33:41,145 --> 00:33:42,563
No, Joel Maisel.
879
00:33:42,604 --> 00:33:44,022
Why would you say Joel Grey?
880
00:33:44,064 --> 00:33:45,357
Because you dated Joel Grey.
881
00:33:45,399 --> 00:33:46,984
You were engaged to Joel Grey
882
00:33:47,025 --> 00:33:48,110
until you called it off.
883
00:33:48,152 --> 00:33:49,945
Because he didn't
make you laugh.
884
00:33:49,987 --> 00:33:51,214
You picking up
on a pattern here?
885
00:33:51,238 --> 00:33:52,281
Philip is a great lover.
886
00:33:52,322 --> 00:33:53,907
- Ew.
- Miriam. - Hey, hey.
887
00:33:53,949 --> 00:33:56,428
I'm sorry, I'm making a mental
pro/con list, and that is a pro.
888
00:33:56,452 --> 00:33:58,287
A big pro. And he's smart.
889
00:33:58,328 --> 00:34:00,122
And he's very easy
to buy shoes for.
890
00:34:00,164 --> 00:34:01,391
Oh, God, I'm running out
of pros.
891
00:34:01,415 --> 00:34:02,499
What about the band?
892
00:34:02,541 --> 00:34:03,893
The band is all set up
and ready to go.
893
00:34:03,917 --> 00:34:05,103
We'll just have to
pay them off.
894
00:34:05,127 --> 00:34:06,211
It's Three Dog Night.
895
00:34:06,253 --> 00:34:08,130
You don't just pay off
Three Dog Night.
896
00:34:08,172 --> 00:34:10,758
And we flew in special
musical guests to join them.
897
00:34:10,799 --> 00:34:12,718
Marvin Gaye, Jim Croce.
898
00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:14,344
- Oh, I love Jim Croce.
- I know.
899
00:34:14,386 --> 00:34:17,139
That's why I fucking arranged
to surprise you with Jim Croce.
900
00:34:17,181 --> 00:34:18,807
And Grand Funk Railroad.
901
00:34:18,849 --> 00:34:21,226
Grand Funk Railroad?
The hard rock band?
902
00:34:21,268 --> 00:34:22,686
I don't like
Grand Funk Railroad.
903
00:34:22,728 --> 00:34:25,063
- You told me you did.
- I told you I like funk music,
904
00:34:25,105 --> 00:34:26,106
not Grand Funk Railroad.
905
00:34:26,148 --> 00:34:27,441
Well, they're here,
they're high,
906
00:34:27,483 --> 00:34:28,442
and they're ready to play.
907
00:34:28,484 --> 00:34:30,486
We paid for the cake.
908
00:34:30,527 --> 00:34:32,529
Do we get our money back
for the cake?
909
00:34:33,489 --> 00:34:35,240
I can't go through with this.
910
00:34:35,282 --> 00:34:36,658
Sorry, I just can't.
911
00:34:36,700 --> 00:34:38,136
Well, are you gonna
let him know that?
912
00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:39,971
'Cause he thinks he's
getting married in ten minutes.
913
00:34:39,995 --> 00:34:42,915
I can't. I can't be
the one to tell him.
914
00:34:42,956 --> 00:34:44,416
I just can't.
915
00:34:47,127 --> 00:34:51,048
Miriam, I have done a lot
for you over the years.
916
00:34:51,089 --> 00:34:52,466
I jumped onto a subway track
917
00:34:52,508 --> 00:34:54,218
to retrieve your
third-favorite hat.
918
00:34:54,259 --> 00:34:57,054
I came to your apartment at
4:00 a.m. to kill a cockroach.
919
00:34:57,095 --> 00:34:58,347
Turned out to be a raisin.
920
00:34:58,388 --> 00:35:01,266
I've euthanized three
of your elderly pets.
921
00:35:01,308 --> 00:35:04,478
I've wrung out your wet bras
on hotel terraces.
922
00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:06,980
I wrestled a Turkish police
officer to the ground,
923
00:35:07,022 --> 00:35:09,525
I kept Ethel Merman
away from you, but this,
924
00:35:09,566 --> 00:35:11,902
this has nothing to do
with your career.
925
00:35:11,944 --> 00:35:14,696
It's your personal life, and
I got to start drawing lines,
926
00:35:14,738 --> 00:35:16,323
and I'm starting today.
927
00:35:16,365 --> 00:35:19,243
I'm sorry, but you get
yourself out of this.
928
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:30,772
She needs someone
to laugh with, Philip,
929
00:35:30,796 --> 00:35:32,422
and you just don't
make her laugh.
930
00:35:32,464 --> 00:35:35,676
Yes, I-I've read Portnoy's Complaint.
It's very funny.
931
00:35:35,717 --> 00:35:37,195
You just don't make her laugh
at the breakfast table.
932
00:35:37,219 --> 00:35:39,388
That's the bottom line.
933
00:35:39,429 --> 00:35:41,407
Then you should have read
Portnoy's Complaint aloud
934
00:35:41,431 --> 00:35:43,392
at the fucking breakfast table,
I don't know.
935
00:35:43,433 --> 00:35:47,437
Here's the thing. She likes
funk, not Grand Funk.
936
00:35:47,479 --> 00:35:48,772
Really, this is your fault
937
00:35:48,814 --> 00:35:50,542
because you picked the name,
it's very confusing.
938
00:35:50,566 --> 00:35:52,609
It was a very expensive cake.
939
00:35:52,651 --> 00:35:54,695
My girl's on the phone
with the cake place now.
940
00:35:54,736 --> 00:35:56,947
It was a very expensive cake.
941
00:35:56,989 --> 00:35:57,990
Maybe they can resell it.
942
00:35:58,031 --> 00:36:01,326
It was a very expensive cake.
943
00:36:01,368 --> 00:36:04,288
I will get you
your money back, I promise.
944
00:36:04,329 --> 00:36:05,765
It took her weeks
to undo the mess,
945
00:36:05,789 --> 00:36:08,000
and the whole thing cost her
a bloody fortune.
946
00:36:08,041 --> 00:36:10,377
The cake was quite pricey.
947
00:36:10,419 --> 00:36:12,629
Yeah.
948
00:36:12,671 --> 00:36:14,256
She couldn't
resist Midge,
949
00:36:14,298 --> 00:36:15,841
especially when she was
vulnerable.
950
00:36:15,883 --> 00:36:18,343
See, Midge drove herself hard,
and Susie knew it.
951
00:36:18,385 --> 00:36:21,305
She was a perfectionist and took
a lot of risks onstage.
952
00:36:21,346 --> 00:36:23,449
- There's got to be something...
- And, shit, most of 'em paid off.
953
00:36:23,473 --> 00:36:25,118
The cake is customized.
It's a specific flavor...
954
00:36:25,142 --> 00:36:26,452
Susie always had
a tremendous amount
955
00:36:26,476 --> 00:36:27,978
of respect for her.
956
00:36:28,020 --> 00:36:30,397
A loyalty that couldn't
be shaken.
957
00:36:30,439 --> 00:36:32,566
But it was more than that.
958
00:36:32,608 --> 00:36:35,277
Really, in a way,
it was love.
959
00:36:35,319 --> 00:36:36,713
But you don't have
to throw it out.
960
00:36:36,737 --> 00:36:38,280
You can donate it to a charity.
961
00:36:38,322 --> 00:36:40,741
And in succeeding years,
three of Philip Roth's
962
00:36:40,782 --> 00:36:43,744
most loathsome characters
were based directly on Susie.
963
00:36:43,785 --> 00:36:46,079
Hawaii fucking sucks.
964
00:36:46,121 --> 00:36:47,956
So what happened?
Anyone know?
965
00:36:47,998 --> 00:36:49,434
- What happened with what?
- Between Midge and Susie.
966
00:36:49,458 --> 00:36:51,102
They were inseparable.
What the fuck happened?
967
00:36:51,126 --> 00:36:52,586
Lost in the fog of war.
968
00:36:52,628 --> 00:36:55,130
- I don't think anyone knows.
- Anyone alive, at least.
969
00:36:55,172 --> 00:36:56,423
I do.
970
00:36:56,465 --> 00:36:59,551
Susie told me one night
when she was drunk.
971
00:36:59,593 --> 00:37:02,012
A year later,
Midge told me the story
972
00:37:02,054 --> 00:37:03,764
one night when she was drunk.
973
00:37:03,805 --> 00:37:05,658
- Well?
- Did the stories even match?
974
00:37:05,682 --> 00:37:08,894
Some things did, some didn't.
But I think I got the gist.
975
00:37:08,936 --> 00:37:11,647
And where it all happened,
holy shit.
976
00:37:11,688 --> 00:37:15,192
♪ Da'amiran be'almah ♪
977
00:37:15,233 --> 00:37:17,569
♪ Ve'imru ♪
978
00:37:17,611 --> 00:37:20,155
♪ Amen ♪ ♪
979
00:37:20,197 --> 00:37:22,866
We begin with the silent
Amidah,
980
00:37:22,908 --> 00:37:26,536
which can be found
on page 382.
981
00:37:29,289 --> 00:37:31,041
Little cutie.
982
00:37:31,083 --> 00:37:34,461
I couldn't resist.
983
00:37:34,503 --> 00:37:36,797
- Does Chava scare you, too?
- Huh?
984
00:37:36,838 --> 00:37:38,966
Corporal Chava, does she
scare the shit out of you?
985
00:37:39,007 --> 00:37:40,818
'Cause I think one of these days
you're gonna find my body
986
00:37:40,842 --> 00:37:43,095
in a date tree.
987
00:37:43,136 --> 00:37:44,805
Hey, you okay?
988
00:37:44,846 --> 00:37:47,265
It's just really warm in here.
989
00:37:47,307 --> 00:37:49,518
And Chava's terrifying.
990
00:37:49,559 --> 00:37:52,771
Excuse me, gentlemen,
may we help you?
991
00:37:52,813 --> 00:37:54,272
FBI, Rabbi.
992
00:37:54,314 --> 00:37:57,526
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
993
00:37:57,567 --> 00:37:58,902
What? Why?
994
00:37:58,944 --> 00:38:00,237
I had no idea they'd come here.
995
00:38:00,278 --> 00:38:01,506
Papa, what's happening?
996
00:38:01,530 --> 00:38:03,907
What has
your godless mother done now?
997
00:38:03,949 --> 00:38:05,593
Damn it, Chava, I understand
a decent amount of Hebrew.
998
00:38:05,617 --> 00:38:07,497
- Joel, what is going on?
- They're here for me.
999
00:38:07,536 --> 00:38:10,205
- For you? Why?
- Read this.
1000
00:38:10,247 --> 00:38:12,666
- It's everything you should know.
- Joel.
1001
00:38:12,708 --> 00:38:15,627
- You're looking for me. I'm Joel Maisel.
- Papa.
1002
00:38:15,669 --> 00:38:17,087
Hands behind your back, please.
1003
00:38:17,337 --> 00:38:18,839
I truly hate New York.
1004
00:38:18,880 --> 00:38:20,173
Mr. Maisel, you're under arrest.
1005
00:38:20,215 --> 00:38:21,317
What?! No,
this-this is a mistake.
1006
00:38:21,341 --> 00:38:22,610
You have the right
to remain silent...
1007
00:38:22,634 --> 00:38:25,012
- It's not.
- Joel, what happened?
1008
00:38:25,053 --> 00:38:27,389
- Read the letter.
- You have the right to an attorney.
1009
00:38:27,431 --> 00:38:28,491
I have a criminal attorney.
1010
00:38:28,515 --> 00:38:30,559
Why do you have
a criminal attorney?
1011
00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:32,436
- Let's go.
- Joel?!
1012
00:38:43,697 --> 00:38:45,782
You rang?
1013
00:38:45,824 --> 00:38:47,826
Pretty dramatic place to meet.
1014
00:38:47,868 --> 00:38:50,579
Where is everybody?
Where's the family?
1015
00:38:50,620 --> 00:38:52,372
Miriam?
1016
00:38:52,414 --> 00:38:53,790
Joel's been arrested.
1017
00:38:53,832 --> 00:38:56,877
- What? When?
- About an hour ago.
1018
00:38:56,918 --> 00:38:58,712
Right in the middle
of services.
1019
00:38:58,754 --> 00:39:00,547
Holy shit. For what?
1020
00:39:02,591 --> 00:39:05,135
- Oh, I think you know.
- No, I don't.
1021
00:39:05,177 --> 00:39:08,513
Racketeering, wire fraud,
money laundering.
1022
00:39:08,555 --> 00:39:11,266
Jesus, that's...
that's terrible.
1023
00:39:11,308 --> 00:39:12,684
Yes, it is.
1024
00:39:12,726 --> 00:39:14,394
What?
1025
00:39:14,436 --> 00:39:15,979
He did this for me.
1026
00:39:16,021 --> 00:39:17,814
For you?
What are you talking about?
1027
00:39:17,856 --> 00:39:19,608
You sold me to Frank and Nicky.
1028
00:39:19,649 --> 00:39:22,110
- You sold me to the mob.
- I did not.
1029
00:39:22,152 --> 00:39:24,404
And Joel made a trade years ago.
1030
00:39:24,446 --> 00:39:26,406
Him for me. It's all here.
1031
00:39:26,448 --> 00:39:29,201
- Miriam...
- He'll be in jail for years, Susie.
1032
00:39:29,242 --> 00:39:30,368
Now, wait a minute.
1033
00:39:30,410 --> 00:39:32,037
You knew I was involved
with those guys.
1034
00:39:32,079 --> 00:39:33,371
You knew Frank and Nicky.
1035
00:39:33,413 --> 00:39:35,165
But you told me
I was free of them,
1036
00:39:35,207 --> 00:39:38,043
and I wasn't, not until Joel
did what he did.
1037
00:39:38,085 --> 00:39:40,712
Okay, news flash.
This is show business, lady.
1038
00:39:40,754 --> 00:39:43,090
- You lied to me.
- That's show business, too.
1039
00:39:43,131 --> 00:39:44,800
Don't talk down to me.
1040
00:39:44,841 --> 00:39:47,552
When you and I started,
those guys owned everyone.
1041
00:39:47,594 --> 00:39:50,347
Everyone who had no one
looking out for them.
1042
00:39:50,388 --> 00:39:52,099
Oh, now don't talk down to me.
1043
00:39:55,143 --> 00:39:58,271
Who owns you now, Susie, today?
1044
00:39:58,313 --> 00:40:01,191
Who owns me? I own myself.
1045
00:40:01,233 --> 00:40:03,110
- That's not what people tell me.
- What people?
1046
00:40:03,151 --> 00:40:05,529
They say all these casinos
you've been booking me in
1047
00:40:05,570 --> 00:40:08,115
is to pay off
your goddamn gambling debts.
1048
00:40:08,156 --> 00:40:09,967
Oh, so let me get this straight.
You're saying you hate
1049
00:40:09,991 --> 00:40:12,119
those big casino paychecks?
1050
00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:13,787
Huh? The suites
with the private pools,
1051
00:40:13,829 --> 00:40:15,288
that's making you feel owned?
1052
00:40:15,330 --> 00:40:17,249
I didn't want to do
those casino gigs, Susie,
1053
00:40:17,290 --> 00:40:20,293
- but you kept pushing and pushing.
- Not true!
1054
00:40:20,335 --> 00:40:22,754
I've been on the road
for 15 years, I needed a break.
1055
00:40:22,796 --> 00:40:24,840
And you slammed me
into three shows a night,
1056
00:40:24,881 --> 00:40:25,966
six nights a week.
1057
00:40:26,007 --> 00:40:28,468
Christmas off, Thanksgiving off,
Hanukkah off!
1058
00:40:28,510 --> 00:40:30,095
No one gets fucking
Hanukkah off.
1059
00:40:30,137 --> 00:40:31,847
Jackie Mason doesn't
get Hanukkah off.
1060
00:40:31,888 --> 00:40:34,474
How much do you owe
Caesars, Susie? Harrah's?
1061
00:40:34,516 --> 00:40:35,934
- Hold on.
- The Flamingo?
1062
00:40:35,976 --> 00:40:37,829
- The Sands?
- Who are these people telling you all of this?
1063
00:40:37,853 --> 00:40:38,812
I want names.
1064
00:40:38,854 --> 00:40:41,565
Why, so you can blackball them?
1065
00:40:41,606 --> 00:40:45,360
- Or worse?
- Or worse?
1066
00:40:45,402 --> 00:40:48,780
Miriam, you know me.
You know who I am.
1067
00:40:48,822 --> 00:40:50,157
Do I?
1068
00:40:50,198 --> 00:40:52,367
Twenty-five years you've
known me. We're friends.
1069
00:40:52,409 --> 00:40:54,911
Friends?
1070
00:40:54,953 --> 00:40:57,622
Boy, that's convenient.
1071
00:40:57,664 --> 00:40:59,291
The first time
you call me a friend
1072
00:40:59,332 --> 00:41:00,667
is when you're caught.
1073
00:41:03,753 --> 00:41:06,006
My team's gonna order
an audit of your books.
1074
00:41:06,047 --> 00:41:08,633
- An audit?
- I hope you don't fight them.
1075
00:41:08,675 --> 00:41:10,260
You used to trust me.
1076
00:41:10,302 --> 00:41:12,637
You sound
like George Toledano now.
1077
00:41:12,679 --> 00:41:14,764
In fact, this is exactly
what he did to Gordon.
1078
00:41:14,806 --> 00:41:16,808
Made deals behind his back.
1079
00:41:16,850 --> 00:41:18,518
It's what got him fired.
1080
00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:20,604
You're comparing me
to George Toledano?
1081
00:41:20,645 --> 00:41:23,523
Fuck you!
You are a star because of me.
1082
00:41:23,565 --> 00:41:24,691
Or in spite of you.
1083
00:41:24,733 --> 00:41:27,277
You were a housewife.
You were nothing.
1084
00:41:27,319 --> 00:41:28,778
You should leave.
1085
00:41:28,820 --> 00:41:30,363
I'm not leaving.
1086
00:41:30,405 --> 00:41:32,282
Al is right outside the door.
1087
00:41:32,324 --> 00:41:33,909
Oh, you're gonna have
your security
1088
00:41:33,950 --> 00:41:35,243
escort me out of the building?
1089
00:41:35,285 --> 00:41:37,037
Are you fucking kidding me?!
1090
00:41:39,247 --> 00:41:42,834
Fine. I got what
I needed out of you.
1091
00:41:42,876 --> 00:41:44,085
Wish I could say the same.
1092
00:41:44,127 --> 00:41:47,130
You ungrateful cunt.
1093
00:41:47,172 --> 00:41:51,968
This is how I'm gonna
remember you, Susie.
1094
00:41:52,010 --> 00:41:54,888
Small.
1095
00:41:59,726 --> 00:42:02,020
Well, it's that time
1096
00:42:02,062 --> 00:42:03,605
nobody's been waiting for.
1097
00:42:03,647 --> 00:42:07,150
Buckle up, because I bring you
our guest of honor...
1098
00:42:07,192 --> 00:42:09,110
and she's not here.
1099
00:42:09,152 --> 00:42:12,530
What the hell?
I thought we locked the doors.
1100
00:42:12,572 --> 00:42:14,574
♪ Around the world ♪
1101
00:42:14,616 --> 00:42:18,703
♪ The trip begins
with a kiss...
1102
00:42:18,745 --> 00:42:21,748
I bowl with the gals
from The B-52's.
1103
00:42:21,790 --> 00:42:23,875
I'm gonna tell them
to book you in their next video.
1104
00:42:23,917 --> 00:42:25,418
You're phenomenal.
1105
00:42:25,460 --> 00:42:28,296
- You're up, boss.
- Christ on the cross, all right.
1106
00:42:28,338 --> 00:42:30,298
Adios, amigos.
1107
00:42:30,340 --> 00:42:33,468
♪ Without wings,
without wheels ♪ ♪
1108
00:42:33,510 --> 00:42:34,678
Susie, good.
1109
00:42:34,719 --> 00:42:37,013
Hope everything came out okay.
1110
00:42:37,055 --> 00:42:39,349
Our guest of honor, everyone,
Susie Myerson.
1111
00:42:45,522 --> 00:42:48,858
Wow. Over 30 years
in the business,
1112
00:42:48,900 --> 00:42:51,361
and this is who shows up
to celebrate me.
1113
00:42:51,403 --> 00:42:54,739
It's a real who's who of who gives a fuck.
1114
00:42:54,781 --> 00:42:56,616
I mean, I haven't been
this uninterested
1115
00:42:56,658 --> 00:42:58,868
in what a group of people
had to say since that time
1116
00:42:58,910 --> 00:43:01,496
I went to an AA meeting.
1117
00:43:01,538 --> 00:43:05,667
Now, what's there to say
about Aaron Lebowitz?
1118
00:43:05,709 --> 00:43:09,546
This man has a roster
of some of the best comics
1119
00:43:09,587 --> 00:43:11,548
that I dropped five years ago.
1120
00:43:12,590 --> 00:43:14,050
They're funnier than that joke.
1121
00:43:14,092 --> 00:43:16,344
Face it, you are
the Jim Belushi of managers
1122
00:43:16,386 --> 00:43:19,347
who couldn't even sign
Jim Belushi.
1123
00:43:19,389 --> 00:43:21,808
And Carmine, wow.
1124
00:43:21,850 --> 00:43:24,102
I will say this.
You have one of the most
1125
00:43:24,144 --> 00:43:25,812
unique acts in comedy.
1126
00:43:25,854 --> 00:43:27,981
Unfortunately
it's Sam Kinison's.
1127
00:43:29,858 --> 00:43:32,444
Before I got up here,
I found out
1128
00:43:32,485 --> 00:43:34,279
this isn't a paid gig
for any of you,
1129
00:43:34,321 --> 00:43:36,081
which means my ass
isn't getting paid either,
1130
00:43:36,114 --> 00:43:37,532
so I'll make it fucking brief.
1131
00:43:38,908 --> 00:43:42,245
I'm supposed to say
something sincere now, yeah?
1132
00:43:42,287 --> 00:43:46,583
Okay. Uh, you know,
this is the only business
1133
00:43:46,624 --> 00:43:49,461
that would ever put up
with a bitch like me.
1134
00:43:49,502 --> 00:43:53,840
Suckers!
1135
00:43:53,882 --> 00:43:56,217
Always an inspiration.
Thank you, Susie.
1136
00:43:56,259 --> 00:43:57,969
- You get the cream puffs?
- Right here.
1137
00:43:58,011 --> 00:43:59,387
Get my car.
1138
00:43:59,429 --> 00:44:01,473
Now hold it right there,
young lady.
1139
00:44:01,514 --> 00:44:02,867
We got one more thing
to throw at you.
1140
00:44:02,891 --> 00:44:06,603
Ah, fuck me with a fork.
1141
00:44:06,644 --> 00:44:10,982
We have a special
video tribute. Fun, huh?
1142
00:44:11,024 --> 00:44:12,817
You'll like this.
1143
00:44:12,859 --> 00:44:15,153
Lower the screen, guys.
1144
00:44:15,195 --> 00:44:16,613
Okay, what's the rush?
1145
00:44:16,654 --> 00:44:18,698
Do we or do we not have
the latest
1146
00:44:18,740 --> 00:44:21,076
in cutting-edge
technology, people?
1147
00:44:21,117 --> 00:44:23,036
Come on, come on.
1148
00:44:23,078 --> 00:44:24,871
Dim the lights, guys.
1149
00:44:28,917 --> 00:44:31,169
- Fuckity-fuck.
- What the hell is this?
1150
00:44:38,009 --> 00:44:40,762
Forget the tripod,
you're not making Citizen Kane.
1151
00:44:40,804 --> 00:44:41,971
No. No way in hell.
1152
00:44:46,851 --> 00:44:49,604
Okay. While my friend
Imogene performs
1153
00:44:49,646 --> 00:44:51,648
variations on scenes
from Chinatown,
1154
00:44:51,689 --> 00:44:52,649
let me proceed.
1155
00:44:52,690 --> 00:44:56,111
So, hey there.
1156
00:44:56,152 --> 00:44:59,489
Have you had fun trying to avoid saying my name all night?
1157
00:44:59,531 --> 00:45:01,574
Hope none of you had
the breaded shrimp.
1158
00:45:01,616 --> 00:45:02,968
They've been in the freezer
since the last time
1159
00:45:02,992 --> 00:45:04,577
Jerry Lewis was funny.
1160
00:45:04,619 --> 00:45:06,955
You know, I thought about making a sex tape
1161
00:45:06,996 --> 00:45:08,832
just to crank this party
up a notch,
1162
00:45:08,873 --> 00:45:10,810
but I was afraid it would get laughs.
1163
00:45:10,834 --> 00:45:13,211
I'm sorry I couldn't
be there in person tonight,
1164
00:45:13,253 --> 00:45:15,088
although I dressed
for the occasion.
1165
00:45:15,130 --> 00:45:16,965
I'm actually in New Mexico.
1166
00:45:17,006 --> 00:45:19,134
- Kansas.
- Kansas. Sorry.
1167
00:45:19,175 --> 00:45:22,846
I was wondering why New Mexico had a Wizard of Oz museum.
1168
00:45:22,887 --> 00:45:24,264
Now, a lot of you have said
1169
00:45:24,305 --> 00:45:26,516
a lot of appropriately
inappropriate things
1170
00:45:26,558 --> 00:45:28,017
about Susie Myerson tonight,
1171
00:45:28,059 --> 00:45:29,310
most of which
is probably earned
1172
00:45:29,352 --> 00:45:30,937
and half of which is
probably true,
1173
00:45:30,979 --> 00:45:32,647
so you've got that covered.
1174
00:45:32,689 --> 00:45:34,023
What I'm here to say
1175
00:45:34,065 --> 00:45:38,236
is that Susie made me
what I am today.
1176
00:45:38,278 --> 00:45:42,198
She saw a nervous breakdown
and turned it into a career.
1177
00:45:42,240 --> 00:45:45,034
No, a life.
1178
00:45:45,076 --> 00:45:46,786
I don't know if I ever
really thanked you
1179
00:45:46,828 --> 00:45:48,955
for that, Susie.
1180
00:45:48,997 --> 00:45:51,249
Don't get me wrong,
we had our spats.
1181
00:45:51,291 --> 00:45:54,210
Oh, many, many spats.
1182
00:45:54,252 --> 00:45:57,464
And one really big one
towards the end.
1183
00:45:57,505 --> 00:46:00,175
But we had our good times, too.
1184
00:46:00,216 --> 00:46:02,319
I've gotten to hang out with
some of the funniest people
1185
00:46:02,343 --> 00:46:06,097
on the planet, but no one's
made me laugh like Susie.
1186
00:46:06,139 --> 00:46:07,390
Aw.
1187
00:46:07,432 --> 00:46:09,142
I've gotten
a little nostalgic lately
1188
00:46:09,184 --> 00:46:11,394
thinking about those years.
1189
00:46:11,436 --> 00:46:14,522
Remember the plunger?
Do you have that still?
1190
00:46:14,564 --> 00:46:19,486
And the arthritis telethon
and hiding from Sophie Lennon.
1191
00:46:19,527 --> 00:46:22,280
"Doink"? Remember "doink"?
1192
00:46:22,322 --> 00:46:25,200
And the smell of the Gaslight.
1193
00:46:25,241 --> 00:46:27,285
Jackie.
1194
00:46:27,327 --> 00:46:29,412
I was thinking about Jackie
the other day.
1195
00:46:29,454 --> 00:46:32,248
I still miss that weirdo.
1196
00:46:34,709 --> 00:46:36,544
What do you say...
1197
00:46:36,586 --> 00:46:38,338
What do you say
we get together
1198
00:46:38,379 --> 00:46:40,215
next time I'm back in town?
1199
00:46:40,256 --> 00:46:43,468
We'll meet on neutral turf,
anywhere you want.
1200
00:46:43,510 --> 00:46:44,719
Anywhere but a synagogue.
1201
00:46:44,761 --> 00:46:46,429
The Jews have suffered enough.
1202
00:46:48,890 --> 00:46:51,893
I hope you want to do that,
and soon, 'cause
1203
00:46:51,935 --> 00:46:55,855
we are not getting any younger.
1204
00:46:55,897 --> 00:46:59,025
So...
1205
00:46:59,067 --> 00:47:01,069
tits up, old friend.
1206
00:47:01,110 --> 00:47:04,030
- Aw.
- Tits up.
1207
00:47:04,072 --> 00:47:08,868
And I hope to see you soon.
1208
00:47:11,246 --> 00:47:13,456
You got to turn off the camera.
1209
00:47:13,498 --> 00:47:15,083
I can't find
the button.
1210
00:47:15,124 --> 00:47:17,186
It's the same button
you pushed to turn it on.
1211
00:47:17,210 --> 00:47:18,545
Fuckity-fuck.
1212
00:47:18,586 --> 00:47:20,964
Right there.
It's the little red...
1213
00:47:21,005 --> 00:47:22,674
How's that for a finale, people?
1214
00:47:26,094 --> 00:47:28,429
- Get me a number for Midge.
- Her girl just called it in.
1215
00:47:28,471 --> 00:47:30,557
Car's all ready.
1216
00:47:30,598 --> 00:47:32,934
Thank you all
for coming.
1217
00:47:32,976 --> 00:47:35,436
Oh, and no one gets out
without pitching in
1218
00:47:35,478 --> 00:47:36,854
at least a hundred bucks
1219
00:47:36,896 --> 00:47:38,815
to the Jackie Dellapietra
Foundation.
1220
00:47:38,856 --> 00:47:40,024
At least.
1221
00:48:02,839 --> 00:48:04,674
Think I'm gonna
walk home, Dennis.
1222
00:48:04,716 --> 00:48:06,551
Nice night for it, ma'am.
1223
00:48:06,593 --> 00:48:08,595
Yeah. Nice night.
1224
00:48:08,636 --> 00:48:11,639
♪ The words I have to say ♪
1225
00:48:11,681 --> 00:48:16,644
♪ May well be simple,
but they're true ♪
1226
00:48:20,231 --> 00:48:23,192
♪ Until you give your love ♪
1227
00:48:23,234 --> 00:48:28,489
♪ There's nothing more
that we can do ♪
1228
00:48:32,994 --> 00:48:37,457
♪ Love is the opening door ♪
1229
00:48:38,583 --> 00:48:44,380
♪ Love is what
we came here for ♪
1230
00:48:44,422 --> 00:48:49,802
♪ No one could offer you more ♪
1231
00:48:49,844 --> 00:48:53,348
♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪
1232
00:48:55,642 --> 00:48:58,853
♪ Have your eyes really seen? ♪
1233
00:49:03,483 --> 00:49:06,694
♪ You say it's very hard ♪
1234
00:49:06,736 --> 00:49:11,282
♪ To leave behind
the life we knew ♪
1235
00:49:15,328 --> 00:49:18,414
♪ But there's no other way ♪
1236
00:49:18,456 --> 00:49:22,919
♪ And now it's really
up to you ♪
1237
00:49:28,132 --> 00:49:33,680
♪ Love is the key
we must turn ♪
1238
00:49:33,721 --> 00:49:39,435
♪ Truth is the flame
we must burn ♪
1239
00:49:39,477 --> 00:49:44,816
♪ Freedom the lesson
we must learn ♪
1240
00:49:44,857 --> 00:49:48,277
♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪
1241
00:49:50,613 --> 00:49:55,660
♪ Have your eyes really seen? ♪
1242
00:50:11,467 --> 00:50:17,348
♪ Love is the opening door ♪
1243
00:50:17,390 --> 00:50:22,979
♪ Love is what we
came here for ♪
1244
00:50:23,020 --> 00:50:27,400
♪ No one could offer you more ♪
1245
00:50:27,442 --> 00:50:31,863
♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪
1246
00:50:34,157 --> 00:50:37,493
♪ Have your eyes really seen? ♪
1247
00:50:39,912 --> 00:50:43,291
♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪ ♪