1 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,586 - (laughter) - MIDGE: Think about it. 2 00:00:07,633 --> 00:00:10,973 Think about it. Las Vegas is the true American melting pot, 3 00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:13,471 proving that losing money is the universal language. 4 00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:15,104 (laughter) 5 00:00:15,141 --> 00:00:16,731 Now I'm Jewish, I'm from New York, 6 00:00:16,767 --> 00:00:18,557 and perhaps exotic to some of you, 7 00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:21,812 so I thought it would be helpful for me to present for you... 8 00:00:21,856 --> 00:00:23,936 a primer to the Jewish people. 9 00:00:23,983 --> 00:00:25,653 (laughter, applause) 10 00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:28,283 First of all, we are always ready to talk about food. 11 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:30,280 Seeing you all eating dinner, I just want 12 00:00:30,322 --> 00:00:32,322 to ask what you're eating, if it's good, 13 00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:34,366 and tell you what you should have ordered. 14 00:00:34,410 --> 00:00:36,040 Complaining. 15 00:00:36,078 --> 00:00:37,288 This is big with us. 16 00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:38,999 What repressing your emotions is to WASPs, 17 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:40,999 complaining is to Jews. It's second nature. 18 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,961 But the key is, the complaints should never be 19 00:00:43,002 --> 00:00:45,002 about big important things, only little things like, 20 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:48,505 "It's hot out; this restaurant is so far; the line is so long." 21 00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:50,969 You know, things nobody can do anything about. 22 00:00:51,010 --> 00:00:53,010 Remember, you're not trying to fix anything. 23 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,813 You're just trying to be heard. 24 00:00:54,847 --> 00:00:57,057 - (laughter) - Guilt is big with us, 25 00:00:57,099 --> 00:00:58,929 and we use it wisely. 26 00:00:58,976 --> 00:01:00,306 And it's not for making yourself feel bad 27 00:01:00,352 --> 00:01:01,732 about something you did. 28 00:01:01,771 --> 00:01:03,111 It's for making someone else feel bad 29 00:01:03,147 --> 00:01:04,317 about something they didn't do. 30 00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:05,936 (laughter) 31 00:01:05,983 --> 00:01:07,903 - Jewish parents. - MAN: Yes. -(clapping) 32 00:01:07,943 --> 00:01:10,953 Mm-hmm. Yell at your sons for not eating enough, 33 00:01:10,988 --> 00:01:13,028 yell at your daughters for eating too much. 34 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,453 - (laughter) - And there's the saying 35 00:01:15,493 --> 00:01:18,753 often attributed to our great prophet Abraham: 36 00:01:18,788 --> 00:01:20,578 "Anything you can do... 37 00:01:20,623 --> 00:01:22,293 isn't all that interesting to me." 38 00:01:22,333 --> 00:01:25,093 - (laughter) - That's it for me, 39 00:01:25,127 --> 00:01:27,337 ladies and gentlemen. You've been a great audience. 40 00:01:27,379 --> 00:01:29,549 Thanks for listening. I'm Mrs. Maisel. 41 00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:32,130 - (applause, cheering, whistling) - Oh. Thank you. 42 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:38,220 May I please introduce the voice, the legend, 43 00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:41,225 my dashing friend: Shy Baldwin. 44 00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,688 (applause, cheering, whistling) 45 00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:49,362 - Good? - Good. 46 00:01:49,401 --> 00:01:51,031 - SHY: ♪ They say that ♪ - Come on. 47 00:01:51,070 --> 00:01:53,240 ♪ Falling in love ♪ 48 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:56,780 ♪ Is wonderful ♪ 49 00:01:58,202 --> 00:02:00,162 ♪ It's wonderful... ♪ 50 00:02:00,204 --> 00:02:01,794 - (phone ringing through) - JOEL: Hello. 51 00:02:01,831 --> 00:02:04,671 Hi. It's me. You guys getting all my postcards? 52 00:02:04,708 --> 00:02:06,378 I tack 'em on the wall as soon as they come. 53 00:02:06,418 --> 00:02:08,048 You got the one of the Pioneer Club with the cowboy out front? 54 00:02:08,087 --> 00:02:09,507 I knew Ethan would like it. 55 00:02:09,547 --> 00:02:11,797 It's his favorite. He read that one to me. 56 00:02:11,841 --> 00:02:13,181 He read it? Out loud? 57 00:02:13,217 --> 00:02:15,297 For the most part. "Kvell" tripped him up. 58 00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:16,854 Then he's not my son. 59 00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:18,467 He did good. You'd have been proud. 60 00:02:18,514 --> 00:02:20,894 Okay, but tell him he can't grow up too much while I'm gone. 61 00:02:20,933 --> 00:02:23,103 - He's got a mustache now. - Make sure he trims it. 62 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,273 - And Esther's dating. - Oh, good. Nice boy? 63 00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,442 Kid she met in the park. A goy. 64 00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,021 Is she trying to kill her mother? 65 00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:30,396 They make sandcastles, trade diaper tips. 66 00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:32,032 You'll like him. 67 00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:33,779 Is it too late to put Ethan on? 68 00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:35,571 It's 1:00 in the morning. 69 00:02:35,614 --> 00:02:37,124 - I know. - Get your jacket. 70 00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,117 - What? - Meet us out front. 71 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,249 - Bring Susie if you want. - What was that? 72 00:02:41,287 --> 00:02:43,657 It was Shy. Sounds like we're all going somewhere. 73 00:02:43,706 --> 00:02:45,166 You are so big-time. 74 00:02:45,207 --> 00:02:46,377 Give them both a kiss for me? 75 00:02:46,417 --> 00:02:47,837 Will do. Get some rest. 76 00:02:47,877 --> 00:02:49,377 Not easy in this town. 77 00:02:49,420 --> 00:02:51,550 Place your bets... craps, yo-eleven, hard ways. 78 00:02:51,589 --> 00:02:54,299 So a buck each on the hard ways. 79 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:55,971 And odds on my pass line bet. 80 00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:57,260 Just set your chips down. 81 00:02:57,303 --> 00:02:59,183 - Got it. - Dice are out. 82 00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:02,561 - Hands! - Jesus Christ! You scared the livin' crap out of me! 83 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:05,190 - Well, keep your hands up! - He told me to put my chips down! 84 00:03:05,227 --> 00:03:06,897 - I've got the dice! - My hands are up! 85 00:03:06,937 --> 00:03:09,317 - I'm gonna roll! - Then roll, you stupid old 86 00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:11,146 expositional fake cowboy guy. Geez. 87 00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:13,031 Hey, the band's going somewhere. Come on. 88 00:03:13,068 --> 00:03:14,698 - I'm in the middle of something here. - They're waiting. 89 00:03:14,737 --> 00:03:16,357 Miriam, I've got a bunch of money on the table. 90 00:03:16,405 --> 00:03:17,865 We're in the middle of a great roll. 91 00:03:17,907 --> 00:03:19,617 - I can't just... - Seven out, line away. 92 00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:20,658 - Seven out. - Aah! -WOMAN: Aw! 93 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,201 MAN: Damn it! Come on. 94 00:03:22,244 --> 00:03:24,004 Okay, so I'm not saying you caused that to happen, 95 00:03:24,038 --> 00:03:25,578 but we were doing great, then you got here, 96 00:03:25,623 --> 00:03:27,213 and he rolled a seven, so you kind of did. 97 00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:29,499 - You won something. - I didn't win, I lost. 98 00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,343 But, Susie, you're walking away with chips. 99 00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:33,588 No, when you come with chips, and you leave with less chips, 100 00:03:33,631 --> 00:03:35,721 - you lost, you didn't win. - So seven's bad? 101 00:03:35,758 --> 00:03:37,008 Yeah, seven's bad. 102 00:03:37,051 --> 00:03:38,431 ♪ ♪ 103 00:03:38,469 --> 00:03:40,469 (engine revving) 104 00:03:42,306 --> 00:03:44,346 (engine revving) 105 00:03:46,101 --> 00:03:48,601 - (shouting): Ready, drivers?! - (whooping) 106 00:03:48,646 --> 00:03:49,806 Go! 107 00:03:49,855 --> 00:03:51,895 (engines revving, tires squealing) 108 00:03:51,941 --> 00:03:54,901 - Look at 'em go! - Like a rocket! 109 00:03:54,944 --> 00:03:57,614 - (engines revving) - (cheering) 110 00:03:57,655 --> 00:03:59,315 Yo, Shy. Incoming. 111 00:04:00,366 --> 00:04:02,116 Thanks, Billy. 112 00:04:03,369 --> 00:04:05,079 You driving tonight, boss? 113 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,040 - As if Reggie would let me. - (laughs) 114 00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:09,211 Reggie's tending to his mother. He ain't here. 115 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,709 Oh, but he's always here. 116 00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,341 Hey, Henry, do your Reggie for us. 117 00:04:12,378 --> 00:04:14,248 Tell us what he'd say if he was out here tonight. 118 00:04:14,296 --> 00:04:15,836 Okay, now listen up. 119 00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:17,761 I am in charge of these vehicles. 120 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:21,050 They are not to be scratched, dented or nicked in any way. 121 00:04:21,095 --> 00:04:23,095 - (laughter) - Same goes for Shy. 122 00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:25,138 He's not to be scratched, dented or nicked. 123 00:04:25,182 --> 00:04:27,142 He won't want you flooding my carburetor, either. 124 00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,604 The rest of you... who cares? 125 00:04:29,645 --> 00:04:33,265 I can always get me another horn player, but I only got one Shy. 126 00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:34,605 (laughter) 127 00:04:34,650 --> 00:04:36,860 Please don't tell him I did that. 128 00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:38,702 (engines revving) 129 00:04:38,737 --> 00:04:40,027 Track's clear. 130 00:04:40,072 --> 00:04:41,452 (shouting): Ready, drivers? 131 00:04:41,490 --> 00:04:43,620 - Five bucks on green. - Five on yellow. 132 00:04:43,659 --> 00:04:46,659 - Go! - (engines rev, tires squeal) 133 00:04:46,704 --> 00:04:49,504 Come on, green! Go all Ben-Hur on his ass! 134 00:04:49,540 --> 00:04:52,000 (indistinct shouting) 135 00:04:53,252 --> 00:04:55,462 - Buy you a beer? - Please. 136 00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:58,474 Monica's not into drag racing, huh? 137 00:04:58,507 --> 00:05:00,427 Mm, she's a little tired tonight. 138 00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:02,387 Of gazing at you adoringly? 139 00:05:02,428 --> 00:05:03,968 She's never tired of that before. 140 00:05:04,013 --> 00:05:05,643 Mm. She's a sweet kid. 141 00:05:05,681 --> 00:05:07,811 - And what's your deal? - My deal? 142 00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:10,890 Who you got that would glare at me if they saw us talking? 143 00:05:10,936 --> 00:05:12,766 I mean, besides your racist uncle. 144 00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:15,863 So besides Uncle Yakov? 145 00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:17,779 No one at the moment. 146 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,948 Okay. I'm gonna file that away. 147 00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:22,318 Pay up, pal. Pay up. 148 00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:23,784 My last five. 149 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:25,664 So when are you getting in one of these? 150 00:05:25,701 --> 00:05:27,491 - Who, me? - Yeah, take a shot. 151 00:05:27,536 --> 00:05:29,156 I did before. It's a once-in-a-lifetime. 152 00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:31,174 Especially if it kills you. 153 00:05:31,206 --> 00:05:32,536 You'll never get this chance again. 154 00:05:32,583 --> 00:05:34,043 Isn't it dangerous? 155 00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:35,544 You're not Shy, you're not a musician, 156 00:05:35,586 --> 00:05:37,626 you're not a vehicle. You're expendable. 157 00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,091 Not really an answer to my question. 158 00:05:39,131 --> 00:05:41,341 Bet you the five you can't win. 159 00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:43,393 You gonna try to talk me out of it? 160 00:05:43,427 --> 00:05:46,597 - Hell, no. - Then what the hell. I'm in. 161 00:05:46,638 --> 00:05:48,518 (shouting): Crunch! Line 'em up! 162 00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:50,927 Keep your arms loose, but your hands tight on the wheel. 163 00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:52,436 Loose arms, tight wheel. 164 00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:54,098 And don't floor it all at once, or it'll flood. 165 00:05:54,146 --> 00:05:56,566 Even pressure to the pedal till it hits the floor. 166 00:05:56,607 --> 00:05:58,727 Got it. 167 00:05:58,776 --> 00:06:00,566 You're okay? 168 00:06:00,611 --> 00:06:01,991 Was it tight arms or loose arms? 169 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,949 - You want some dirt? - Why would I want that? 170 00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:06,239 Buzz asked Natalie Wood for some dirt, and she gave it to him, 171 00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:07,663 and he rubbed his hands with it, then she bent down 172 00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,291 and gave him a sexy, three-part kiss, 173 00:06:09,328 --> 00:06:10,748 and then she checked on James Dean, 174 00:06:10,788 --> 00:06:12,618 and he asked her for some dirt, but it kind of felt like 175 00:06:12,664 --> 00:06:14,044 he was just asking 'cause Buzz got some, 176 00:06:14,083 --> 00:06:15,543 and he saw that sexy three-part kiss. 177 00:06:15,584 --> 00:06:17,884 Miriam! I do not need the whole fucking plot 178 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,670 - to Rebel Without a Cause. - Okay. 179 00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,633 - I've seen the film. - MAN: We gonna do this? 180 00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:23,843 MIDGE: All right, guys. Susie's rarin' to go! 181 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,554 Hey, if Luther's around, could you ask him 182 00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:27,054 what part of me should be loose? 183 00:06:27,096 --> 00:06:29,386 (engines revving) 184 00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:35,649 Hit your lights! 185 00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:38,267 The lights are already on! Geez! 186 00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,855 (engines revving) 187 00:06:43,153 --> 00:06:44,453 Go! 188 00:06:44,488 --> 00:06:46,778 (tires squealing) 189 00:06:46,824 --> 00:06:48,584 (engines revving) 190 00:06:48,617 --> 00:06:51,157 - (coughing) - (indistinct shouting) 191 00:06:51,203 --> 00:06:52,833 How did Natalie Wood do it? 192 00:06:52,871 --> 00:06:54,541 (coughing) 193 00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:56,581 (birds singing) 194 00:06:59,503 --> 00:07:00,713 MOISHE: Abe! 195 00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,174 - Moishe? What is it? - (gasps) Oh, my God. 196 00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:03,594 It's your car. It's blocking mine. 197 00:07:03,632 --> 00:07:05,092 - My car? - Get up. You got to move it. 198 00:07:05,134 --> 00:07:07,014 - What time is it? - It's four after 5:00. 199 00:07:07,052 --> 00:07:08,602 Four after 5:00? In the morning? 200 00:07:08,637 --> 00:07:10,057 And I'm late. Come on. Get a move on. 201 00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:11,807 - Oh, my leg is asleep. - You both wear pajamas? 202 00:07:11,849 --> 00:07:13,599 - What, are you girlfriends? - Where are my slippers? Oh. 203 00:07:13,642 --> 00:07:15,102 Shirl and me, we sleep in the buff. 204 00:07:15,144 --> 00:07:17,024 It's healthier, freer. Warmer, too. 205 00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,442 Where'd I put my robe? 206 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:19,900 - Skin on skin, as God intended. - Oh. 207 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,820 - Come on, chop-chop. - I am. 208 00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:26,364 - MAN: ♪ Oh, what a beautiful morning ♪ - Can you pick up the pace? 209 00:07:26,405 --> 00:07:28,735 - I'm going as fast as I can. - I better call in. 210 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,372 - ♪ Oh, what a beautiful morning ♪ - They worry when I'm late. 211 00:07:30,409 --> 00:07:32,699 Shirl, call work! Tell 'em someone made me late! 212 00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:35,414 - SHIRLEY: You got it, toots! - All those people worried sick. 213 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,205 - They depend on me. - ♪ I have a beautiful feeling ♪ 214 00:07:37,249 --> 00:07:39,379 You told me I could park in the driveway. 215 00:07:39,418 --> 00:07:41,128 - But not block my car. - ♪ Everything's going my way... ♪ 216 00:07:41,170 --> 00:07:42,750 Do you remember me saying you could block my car? 217 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:45,376 I do not remember saying you could block my car. 218 00:07:45,424 --> 00:07:47,184 I don't dare block it again, Moishe. 219 00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:49,337 I'm really hoping you're not leaking oil, Abe. 220 00:07:49,386 --> 00:07:51,046 - The stains are hell to get out. - (engine starts) 221 00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:54,016 I don't think I'm leaking oil, Moishe. 222 00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:55,387 Abe! Abe! Whoa! 223 00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:57,854 - (tires squeak) - Almost hit the milkman. 224 00:07:57,895 --> 00:07:59,685 - Sorry. - Man survived Normandy Beach 225 00:07:59,730 --> 00:08:02,020 only to get backed over by Abe Weissman. 226 00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:03,725 - I didn't see him. - Not a great way 227 00:08:03,775 --> 00:08:06,065 to ingratiate yourself to the neighborhood, Abe. 228 00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:08,031 Killing the milkman. 229 00:08:08,071 --> 00:08:10,661 MAN: Strange flying objects in the sky are older 230 00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:12,449 - than the United States. - (indistinct radio chatter) 231 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,662 Some of them reported in scientific journals... 232 00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:16,793 Shirley? 233 00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:17,920 (overlapping TV and radio chatter) 234 00:08:17,956 --> 00:08:20,576 - Shirley! - Yes, Rose! 235 00:08:20,626 --> 00:08:23,546 - Can I turn the TV off? - No. Keep it on. 236 00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:25,797 But you're listening to the radio! 237 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:29,129 This is the news so I can stay informed! 238 00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:30,836 And I never miss The Today Show. 239 00:08:30,886 --> 00:08:33,886 They have a monkey... J. Fred Muggs. 240 00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:35,601 He's such a funny monkey. 241 00:08:35,641 --> 00:08:36,891 ROSE: Are those onions? 242 00:08:36,934 --> 00:08:39,694 Onions and chicken skin for my schmaltz. 243 00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:41,478 Do you have to do that now? 244 00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,271 I can't make a schmaltz in my own kitchen? 245 00:08:43,315 --> 00:08:44,895 Is that what you're saying? 246 00:08:44,942 --> 00:08:48,032 It's just a little early for such a strong smell. 247 00:08:48,070 --> 00:08:50,660 Why is the TV on when the radio is on?! 248 00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:51,947 Because of the monkey! 249 00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:54,030 - The what?! - J. Fred Muggs! 250 00:08:54,076 --> 00:08:55,736 - Who!? - He's a monkey! 251 00:08:55,786 --> 00:08:57,536 Have some bread, Abe! 252 00:08:57,579 --> 00:09:00,499 Zelda burned the first batch, so I made some for you. 253 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:01,960 I didn't burn the toast. 254 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,790 I just asked where the toaster was. 255 00:09:03,835 --> 00:09:06,545 I'm going to eat my toast upstairs! 256 00:09:06,588 --> 00:09:08,378 - (upbeat TV theme plays) - J. Fred Muggs is on! 257 00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:10,223 I'm coming with you, Abe! 258 00:09:10,259 --> 00:09:11,839 SHIRLEY: He's wearing shoes! 259 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,885 Dance, monkey! Dance! 260 00:09:13,929 --> 00:09:15,719 - (Shirley laughs) - Sh-Should I watch the onions!? 261 00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:17,774 - Mrs. Maisel? - (Shirley laughs) 262 00:09:17,808 --> 00:09:21,438 (Shirley laughs loudly) 263 00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:24,018 MAN (on TV): Dr. Barbara Moore completes an emphatic demonstration 264 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,774 - about the equality of the sexes... - (knocking) 265 00:09:26,817 --> 00:09:29,357 Can I be in here with you? 266 00:09:29,403 --> 00:09:31,493 Nuts, honey, milk and natural juices. 267 00:09:31,530 --> 00:09:34,070 The 56-year-old... 268 00:09:34,116 --> 00:09:37,866 cheered on by all of Britain completes... 269 00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:41,331 This has been the longest month of my life. 270 00:09:41,373 --> 00:09:43,793 We've been here a week. 271 00:09:47,546 --> 00:09:51,126 ♪ It's a lovely day today ♪ 272 00:09:51,174 --> 00:09:53,264 ♪ So whatever you've got to do... ♪ 273 00:09:53,302 --> 00:09:55,052 A girl could get used to this. 274 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,635 This is really how it works? 275 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:58,770 Just sits on your face, like a French whore? 276 00:09:58,807 --> 00:10:01,177 - Yup. - Oh. I look like the Bride of Frankenstein. 277 00:10:01,226 --> 00:10:03,766 Let me even it out it a bit. 278 00:10:03,812 --> 00:10:06,152 This reminds me of those lazy Bryn Mawr Sundays 279 00:10:06,189 --> 00:10:08,979 when Petra, Janie, Marcie and I would shake up some cocktails 280 00:10:09,026 --> 00:10:12,026 and dish on boys and treat ourselves to a beauty regimen. 281 00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:14,450 Mm. Sounds fun. Where's the gang now? 282 00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:17,199 Uh, Janie's a housewife in Pittsburgh, 283 00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:18,792 Marcie teaches high school English, 284 00:10:18,827 --> 00:10:21,077 and Petra raises chickens in the Hudson Valley. 285 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:23,371 - You thought I was serious? - You're all set. 286 00:10:23,415 --> 00:10:26,075 Now sit, relax and let it work its magic. 287 00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:28,296 (Susie sighs) 288 00:10:28,337 --> 00:10:32,047 ♪ But if you've got something that must be done... ♪ 289 00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:33,720 Mine's done. (clears throat) 290 00:10:33,759 --> 00:10:35,589 I think I'm cured now, or beautiful or whatever. 291 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,465 - Do not take that mask off. - I'm suffocating! 292 00:10:37,512 --> 00:10:39,812 You have to leave it on for half an hour. 293 00:10:39,848 --> 00:10:41,428 Not in a million years! 294 00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:43,805 Fine. Let the desert sun turn you into an old hag. 295 00:10:43,852 --> 00:10:46,192 I'm a manager. Nobody cares what the fuck I look like. 296 00:10:46,229 --> 00:10:47,939 (knocking) 297 00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,821 Susie, envelope. 298 00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:52,188 The guys said to look out for the envelope. 299 00:10:52,235 --> 00:10:54,195 Open it. Open it! 300 00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:55,857 Don't rush me. Don't rush me. 301 00:10:55,906 --> 00:10:57,816 I'll get a paper cut. 302 00:10:57,866 --> 00:10:59,236 (Susie sighs) 303 00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:00,994 Oh, Sweet Jesus, there it is. 304 00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:02,406 Two weeks' pay. 305 00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:04,254 They took taxes out of it. 306 00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:06,329 It's got the casino logo on it. Neat. 307 00:11:06,375 --> 00:11:08,375 Guess I'm gonna have to start paying taxes. 308 00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:10,498 - We should frame this. - Then we can't cash it. 309 00:11:10,545 --> 00:11:12,125 Think about it. When I'm making ten grand a show, 310 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:13,592 this check won't mean anything, 311 00:11:13,632 --> 00:11:14,972 and it'll be a terrific souvenir. 312 00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,548 When you're making ten grand a show, 313 00:11:16,593 --> 00:11:18,643 I'm gonna be so whacked out on vodka and opium, 314 00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,258 nothing's gonna mean anything. 315 00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:22,215 And I'll be there to pull you out of the gutter. 316 00:11:22,265 --> 00:11:24,225 So, how do we do this? Put it in your account? 317 00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:26,137 No. No. You take care of the money. 318 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,726 I get money, I spend money. 319 00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:29,441 Then I will do the money. 320 00:11:29,481 --> 00:11:31,271 Hmm. It's a little short. 321 00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:33,106 - Really? - Not by much. 322 00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:35,201 It's close, but it's definitely short. 323 00:11:35,237 --> 00:11:37,277 - Who do we talk to? - You don't talk to anybody. 324 00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:39,372 I will talk to Angie before I go. 325 00:11:39,408 --> 00:11:41,238 Go? Go where? 326 00:11:41,284 --> 00:11:44,334 New York. Just for a day or two. It won't be long. 327 00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,041 Sophie stuff? 328 00:11:46,081 --> 00:11:47,671 I said I wouldn't say. 329 00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,577 And I said I wouldn't mind, and I don't. 330 00:11:49,626 --> 00:11:50,956 You're kicking ass every night. 331 00:11:51,002 --> 00:11:52,302 And I'll be back before you know it. 332 00:11:53,338 --> 00:11:54,708 Let me hold it while you get ready. 333 00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:57,876 ♪ Except it's a lovely day... ♪ 334 00:11:57,926 --> 00:11:59,136 Don't get face junk on it. 335 00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:03,557 ♪ It's a lovely day. ♪ 336 00:12:03,598 --> 00:12:05,598 (typewriter keys clacking) 337 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:11,364 Hi. Is this Angie's office? 338 00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:13,438 - Yep. - He in? 339 00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:15,073 I represent the showroom comic, 340 00:12:15,110 --> 00:12:16,700 and we have a little problem with our check. 341 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:17,946 He's in. 342 00:12:17,988 --> 00:12:19,818 Would, uh, he have time to see me? 343 00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:21,365 Well, he's in with somebody. 344 00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:22,988 He can see you after. 345 00:12:23,034 --> 00:12:24,704 Thanks. 346 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,914 Oh, this arthritis is really slowing me down. 347 00:12:27,956 --> 00:12:29,536 SUSIE: You're better than me. 348 00:12:29,583 --> 00:12:31,633 Hey, Bobby Darin. 349 00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:33,128 Angie knows Bobby Darin? 350 00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:35,550 Mr. Calibresi knows everybody. 351 00:12:37,632 --> 00:12:39,632 (man speaking indistinctly in other room) 352 00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:44,764 MAN: Okay, but let me just explain. 353 00:12:44,806 --> 00:12:46,136 ANGIE: After everything we've done for you? 354 00:12:46,183 --> 00:12:47,933 For your clients? 355 00:12:47,976 --> 00:12:51,146 - The Stardust of all places? - (man grunts) 356 00:12:51,188 --> 00:12:53,318 Where's your gratitude, Gordy? 357 00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:55,396 - You owe me a little gratitude, I think. - (blow lands) 358 00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,282 GORDY: Yes, I d... (grunts) Yes, I do. 359 00:12:57,319 --> 00:12:58,569 ANGIE: Vic Damone is mine. 360 00:12:58,612 --> 00:13:01,532 - Yes? - Yes, Angie, yes. 361 00:13:01,573 --> 00:13:02,953 - (man groans) - ANGIE: That's a good answer. 362 00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:04,741 You look like shit. 363 00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,584 Clean yourself up and get the hell out of here. 364 00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:08,000 (typewriter keys clacking) 365 00:13:08,038 --> 00:13:09,918 (typewriter carriage returns) 366 00:13:11,166 --> 00:13:12,496 (door closes) 367 00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:17,877 Susie! 368 00:13:17,923 --> 00:13:19,883 - I didn't know you were here. - I'm not. 369 00:13:19,925 --> 00:13:21,885 I mean, I am, but I don't have to be. 370 00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:23,597 - And you seem busy. - ANGIE: What, for you? 371 00:13:23,637 --> 00:13:25,677 Never. Come on, get in here, you. 372 00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:27,562 Come on. 373 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,640 Take a load off. Have a seat. 374 00:13:30,685 --> 00:13:32,975 - Here? - Sure. 375 00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:34,151 Thank God. 376 00:13:34,189 --> 00:13:37,439 So, your girl. 377 00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:39,244 - What about her? - She's been on fire. 378 00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:41,817 I haven't missed a show. Last night, I came to see her. 379 00:13:41,863 --> 00:13:44,203 (chuckles): Left before Shy. Don't tell Shy. 380 00:13:44,241 --> 00:13:46,791 Snitch? No, I wouldn't do that. You can trust me. 381 00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:48,406 The way she makes changes to that act 382 00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:50,163 - from night to night... - She'll stop doing that. 383 00:13:50,205 --> 00:13:51,995 No, it's so skillful. I love it. 384 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,670 Then she'll keep doing it. I'll make her do it if she won't. 385 00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:54,918 So, what can I do for you? 386 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,920 Nothing. Everything's good. 387 00:13:56,962 --> 00:13:58,462 SECRETARY: There's a problem with her check! 388 00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:00,715 No, there's not. No, there's not! 389 00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:02,757 She told me there's a problem! 390 00:14:02,801 --> 00:14:04,011 There's no problem! 391 00:14:04,052 --> 00:14:05,892 I think the arthritis is affecting her memory. 392 00:14:05,929 --> 00:14:07,679 Is that the check? Let me see it. Is it short? 393 00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:10,352 No. In fact, it might be over. I-I might owe you money. 394 00:14:10,392 --> 00:14:11,562 Let me see that. 395 00:14:11,601 --> 00:14:13,601 We've had some bookkeeping problems lately, 396 00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:15,475 checks coming up short. 397 00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,072 I think this is short. 398 00:14:17,107 --> 00:14:18,437 - Margaret! - Yeah?! 399 00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:20,613 Tell one of the guys to bring the head of payroll here! 400 00:14:20,652 --> 00:14:22,652 - No, it's okay! - Bring him here! I want to show him! 401 00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:26,196 Oh, you meant bring all of him, not just his... 402 00:14:26,241 --> 00:14:28,411 I mean, I misunderstood. 403 00:14:28,451 --> 00:14:29,621 You know what? This is an easy fix. 404 00:14:29,661 --> 00:14:31,041 You can stay until he gets here. 405 00:14:31,079 --> 00:14:32,619 I've got a plane to catch. 406 00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:34,174 But you go ahead and keep that 407 00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:35,627 and do whatever you want with it, 408 00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:37,837 and I will see you later, Angie. 409 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,417 Okay. No problem. Hey! 410 00:14:39,462 --> 00:14:41,382 She's on fire, your girl. 411 00:14:41,423 --> 00:14:44,053 Yuppers. I'll keep stoking those flames. 412 00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:46,052 (chuckles): Okay. Thank you so much, Ange. 413 00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:47,394 No problem. Anytime. 414 00:14:50,265 --> 00:14:51,805 Who taught you how to work with plaster? 415 00:14:51,850 --> 00:14:53,060 ARCHIE: My Aunt Mabel. 416 00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:55,021 Never married, grip like a vice. 417 00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:56,521 These are her coveralls. 418 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,403 You both shared that trim figure. 419 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,480 I should have all this done by tomorrow night. 420 00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:02,985 Then we can start sanding and smoothing. 421 00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:05,858 No. Arch, take a night off every once in a while. 422 00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:07,365 Imogene must be having a fit. 423 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,657 Hey. Who's the king of the castle? 424 00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:11,161 Who's the top dog in the pack? 425 00:15:11,202 --> 00:15:12,872 Who's the capo di tutti capi? 426 00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:13,912 - Imogene. - Yeah. 427 00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:16,115 But you're a close second. 428 00:15:16,166 --> 00:15:17,416 Damn. 429 00:15:17,459 --> 00:15:19,249 ARCHIE: Fuse again? 430 00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:20,634 JOEL: Be right back. 431 00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:22,840 (sighs) 432 00:15:22,881 --> 00:15:24,881 (indistinct chatter) 433 00:15:29,512 --> 00:15:30,892 (chatter stops) 434 00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,470 Hey, guys. Just me. 435 00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:34,225 (chatter resumes) 436 00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,938 Now, remember, 437 00:15:36,978 --> 00:15:38,938 every time you guys plug in that electric percolator, 438 00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:40,770 I'm sanding in the dark. 439 00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:42,145 Thanks, Jiao-long. 440 00:15:42,192 --> 00:15:44,192 We'll figure this out eventually. 441 00:15:53,787 --> 00:15:55,747 Hi. 442 00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:58,789 - Hi. - Says she knows you? 443 00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:01,133 You guys should officially meet. 444 00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:02,249 Arch, this is Mei. 445 00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,255 Mei's the building's, uh... 446 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,297 person girl. 447 00:16:06,341 --> 00:16:08,011 ARCHIE: I see. 448 00:16:08,051 --> 00:16:10,641 I'm Archie, Joel's friend boy. 449 00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:12,469 Nice to officially meet you. 450 00:16:12,514 --> 00:16:14,564 I brought you something. 451 00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:15,769 (speaking Chinese) 452 00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:18,349 - What's this? - MEI: Patience. 453 00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:19,895 - It's a surprise. - JOEL: You usually don't wait 454 00:16:19,938 --> 00:16:21,188 for a surprise. 455 00:16:21,231 --> 00:16:23,191 - That's why it's a surprise. - (Mei speaking Chinese) 456 00:16:27,237 --> 00:16:29,197 Oh, a jukebox. 457 00:16:29,239 --> 00:16:30,779 A jukebox. 458 00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:32,624 - It's fantastic. - It's a beaut. 459 00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:34,159 How much is it gonna set me back? 460 00:16:34,202 --> 00:16:35,502 It's free. 461 00:16:35,537 --> 00:16:37,247 My uncle had it in his bowling alley, 462 00:16:37,288 --> 00:16:38,748 and he sold the alley. 463 00:16:38,790 --> 00:16:40,000 - Good deal. - And it works? 464 00:16:40,041 --> 00:16:42,251 - Just listen. - (coin jingles) 465 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:46,133 This is one of my favorites. 466 00:16:47,757 --> 00:16:49,757 (pop song playing) 467 00:16:51,219 --> 00:16:52,599 (woman singing Chinese) 468 00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:54,467 This isn't English. 469 00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:57,814 - Archie's kind of an amateur linguist. - (Mei laughs) 470 00:16:57,851 --> 00:16:59,231 They're all Chinese. 471 00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:01,099 Well, surprisingly, my uncle's Chinese. 472 00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:03,146 I kind of like it. 473 00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,488 It grows on you. 474 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,160 See? 475 00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:15,659 So, what's the song about? 476 00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:17,662 Oh, it's the usual stuff. 477 00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:21,004 Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, 478 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,960 girl buys knife with 12-inch blade, 479 00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:26,002 boy loses thumb, 480 00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:28,415 boy loses hand. 481 00:17:28,465 --> 00:17:31,465 I like Rosemary Clooney's version better. 482 00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:35,261 ♪ ♪ 483 00:17:50,445 --> 00:17:53,195 You're right. It's growing on me. 484 00:17:56,785 --> 00:17:58,155 Thanks for dropping by. 485 00:17:58,203 --> 00:17:59,503 Thanks for the dip. 486 00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:02,497 - And thank your uncle for me. - Who? 487 00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:03,920 Nice to meet you, Archie. 488 00:18:03,958 --> 00:18:05,958 ARCHIE: Likewise. 489 00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:14,181 - What? - Nothing. Just... 490 00:18:14,219 --> 00:18:16,179 Nice person girl. 491 00:18:16,221 --> 00:18:17,971 Yeah. 492 00:18:18,014 --> 00:18:19,434 (music stops) 493 00:18:19,474 --> 00:18:21,184 (Joel sighs heavily) 494 00:18:21,226 --> 00:18:23,766 Be right back. 495 00:18:23,812 --> 00:18:26,612 Jiao-long, you're killing me! 496 00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,688 (birds singing) 497 00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,355 - Rose? - (gasps) Shirley. 498 00:18:32,403 --> 00:18:34,283 It's laundry day. Up, up! 499 00:18:34,322 --> 00:18:35,912 - Laundry day? - It's 5:00 in the morning. 500 00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:37,579 - Are these dirty? - Those are clean. 501 00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:39,447 - Where's the dirty? - In the closet. 502 00:18:39,494 --> 00:18:41,414 And I need your sheets. Chop-chop. 503 00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:42,794 - What sheets? - These sheets? 504 00:18:42,831 --> 00:18:44,291 I have to wash your sheets. 505 00:18:44,332 --> 00:18:46,582 - I'm using the sheets! - Come on. 506 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:49,376 It's laundry day. Let's go. 507 00:18:49,420 --> 00:18:51,210 - Chop-chop. - No! 508 00:18:51,256 --> 00:18:53,166 You don't sleep in the buff? 509 00:18:53,216 --> 00:18:55,006 - (radio and TV playing) - I get up at 4:30 every day. 510 00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:56,551 Do you know how much you can accomplish 511 00:18:56,594 --> 00:18:58,604 getting up at 4:30 every day? 512 00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,968 No one's bothering you at 4:30 in the morning. 513 00:19:01,015 --> 00:19:02,845 It's dark. It's quiet. 514 00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:04,772 No one's calling you on the telephone. 515 00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,351 - One more, Shirl. - Here you go. 516 00:19:06,396 --> 00:19:08,606 Believe me, if there's anything you want to get done 517 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:11,068 that you don't want anyone else to know about, 518 00:19:11,109 --> 00:19:13,399 you get up at 4:30 in the morning to do it. 519 00:19:13,444 --> 00:19:16,364 I knew this fella out of Jersey. Cement business. 520 00:19:16,406 --> 00:19:18,696 He always said if you want to kill someone, 521 00:19:18,741 --> 00:19:20,621 you do it at 4:30 in the morning. 522 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:21,910 But it's Saturday. 523 00:19:21,953 --> 00:19:23,753 What's that, Abe? It's a little noisy in here. 524 00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:24,958 It's Saturday! 525 00:19:24,998 --> 00:19:27,248 Saturday? Saturday is a random day. 526 00:19:27,292 --> 00:19:28,842 What is a Saturday? 527 00:19:28,877 --> 00:19:30,547 It's the Lord's day of rest. 528 00:19:30,587 --> 00:19:33,457 What is a weekend? Weekends are a man-made construct. 529 00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:35,086 - You ever been robbed? - Here you go. 530 00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:36,473 Keep 'em coming. 531 00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:38,259 Not me. I've never been robbed. 532 00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:39,973 When you're up at 4:30 in the morning, 533 00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:42,273 they can't come take your stuff because you're awake. 534 00:19:42,307 --> 00:19:43,387 You see 'em coming. 535 00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:44,893 If you're asleep, you won't know. 536 00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:47,354 If you sleep late, your stuff's gone. 537 00:19:47,395 --> 00:19:51,765 4:30 is why I still have a TV and a radio. 538 00:19:51,816 --> 00:19:53,566 (TV and radio playing) 539 00:19:53,610 --> 00:19:55,400 (knock on door) 540 00:19:55,445 --> 00:19:58,025 - Come in. - Come in, Zelda. 541 00:20:10,376 --> 00:20:13,456 - ♪ A-B-C-D-E-F-G ♪ - MOISHE: It's remarkable. 542 00:20:13,504 --> 00:20:15,554 - ♪ H-I-J-K ♪ - 7:30. Can you believe it? 543 00:20:15,590 --> 00:20:17,300 - ♪ L-M-N-O-P ♪ - They want to sleep till 7:30. 544 00:20:17,342 --> 00:20:19,142 - ♪ Q-R-S ♪ - Let 'em sleep till 7:30, Pop. 545 00:20:19,177 --> 00:20:21,297 - ♪ T-U-V ♪ - 7:30 is practically 8:00, 546 00:20:21,346 --> 00:20:23,466 - which is basically lunchtime. It's the whole day! -♪ W-X ♪ 547 00:20:23,514 --> 00:20:25,104 - ♪ "Y" and "Z" ♪ - And they wouldn't even let your mother 548 00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:26,941 change their sheets. They'd rather lie there 549 00:20:26,976 --> 00:20:28,266 - in their own filth. - ♪ Now I've sung my ABCs ♪ 550 00:20:28,311 --> 00:20:29,941 You got to respect people's choices, Pop. 551 00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:31,229 - (Moishe scoffs) - ♪ Tell me what ♪ 552 00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:32,572 ♪ You think of me. ♪ 553 00:20:32,607 --> 00:20:34,277 All right, I'll tell you. I think you're a genius. 554 00:20:34,317 --> 00:20:38,397 - Now put your father on. - ♪ A-B-C-D-E-F-G ♪ 555 00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:40,106 - Not again, Ethan. Honey, please. -♪ H-I-J-K ♪ 556 00:20:40,156 --> 00:20:42,076 - That's four times already. - ♪ L-M-N-O-P ♪ 557 00:20:42,116 --> 00:20:44,196 - ♪ Q-R-S ♪ - ♪ Know your ABCs ♪ 558 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,293 - Yay! Now put Daddy on. - ♪ T-U-V ♪ 559 00:20:46,329 --> 00:20:48,119 - I've got to talk to Midge. - Okay, put him on. -♪ W-X ♪ 560 00:20:48,164 --> 00:20:49,624 - She know about her parents' narcolepsy? - ♪ "Y" and "Z." ♪ 561 00:20:49,666 --> 00:20:52,206 - There's money in it for you. - Good job, buddy. 562 00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:53,711 Pretty neat, huh? 563 00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:55,713 My son needs to learn when to leave a stage. 564 00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:58,005 Imogene taught him that song. He's very proud. 565 00:20:58,049 --> 00:20:59,679 All those bags go 566 00:20:59,717 --> 00:21:01,137 - with the kids. - MOISHE: I got it, I got it. 567 00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:03,297 Just getting them ready to go with the grandparents. 568 00:21:03,346 --> 00:21:04,716 Oh, that'll be fun for them. 569 00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,564 Hey, you check in with Abe and Rose lately? 570 00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:08,639 'Cause I think my parents are driving them batshit. 571 00:21:08,685 --> 00:21:10,305 - "Think"? - I keep looking for SOS flares 572 00:21:10,353 --> 00:21:12,233 to shoot up out of the Queens sky. 573 00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:14,071 So, what are you doing while the kids are with them? 574 00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:15,647 Leaves you a free man. 575 00:21:15,692 --> 00:21:16,942 I'm working on the club. 576 00:21:16,985 --> 00:21:18,895 Waiting for a liquor license miracle. 577 00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:20,275 How about coming out to Vegas? 578 00:21:20,321 --> 00:21:21,861 (chuckles): I can't come out to Vegas. 579 00:21:21,906 --> 00:21:23,446 Why not? You've always wanted to. 580 00:21:23,491 --> 00:21:25,411 It's a town full of clubs. It'll be research. 581 00:21:25,451 --> 00:21:28,251 - You can write it off. - Uh, I don't know. Maybe. 582 00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:30,287 And you can see me perform. 583 00:21:30,331 --> 00:21:32,421 You've only ever seen me that one time, 584 00:21:32,458 --> 00:21:33,878 that one awful time. 585 00:21:33,918 --> 00:21:35,088 You don't talk about me, do you? 586 00:21:35,128 --> 00:21:36,628 Nope. I've got my Vegas set now, 587 00:21:36,671 --> 00:21:37,761 and it's going like gangbusters. 588 00:21:37,797 --> 00:21:39,467 Come on, check the flights. 589 00:21:39,507 --> 00:21:41,627 - Well... - ♪ A-B-C-D ♪ 590 00:21:41,676 --> 00:21:43,426 - ♪ E-F-G. ♪ - All right, all right. 591 00:21:43,469 --> 00:21:45,429 I'll check the flights. 592 00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:48,352 Whoa. 593 00:21:48,391 --> 00:21:50,521 Hey. Look what the cat dragged in. 594 00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:52,190 This looks really sharp. 595 00:21:52,228 --> 00:21:55,018 I think the rug really helps define the bedroom area. 596 00:21:55,064 --> 00:21:56,524 And it looks bigger. 597 00:21:56,566 --> 00:21:58,106 That's what happens when you tidy. 598 00:21:58,151 --> 00:22:00,241 Tidiness makes things look bigger. 599 00:22:00,278 --> 00:22:02,108 (sniffs) And what's that smell? 600 00:22:02,155 --> 00:22:03,775 Lilacs in water. 601 00:22:03,823 --> 00:22:06,623 It's not only seasonal. It's sensational. 602 00:22:06,659 --> 00:22:08,749 So, how's Midge? How's she doing? 603 00:22:08,786 --> 00:22:10,246 She's kicking ass. 604 00:22:10,288 --> 00:22:11,828 I just came back for a couple of meetings. 605 00:22:11,873 --> 00:22:14,713 Ah, hell. My blazer's wrinkled to shit. 606 00:22:14,751 --> 00:22:17,461 Not to worry. 607 00:22:17,503 --> 00:22:19,963 Wow. I should let you move in more often. 608 00:22:20,006 --> 00:22:22,796 Just give me a second or two for the iron to warm up. 609 00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:24,262 And I have to pee. 610 00:22:24,302 --> 00:22:26,642 Same place. Behind the privacy curtain. 611 00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:29,389 Privacy curtain. Unbelievable. 612 00:22:29,432 --> 00:22:31,482 I would like to do something with your hair. 613 00:22:31,517 --> 00:22:32,767 Maybe a chignon. 614 00:22:32,810 --> 00:22:35,020 SUSIE: Holy shit, you put in a bidet. 615 00:22:35,063 --> 00:22:37,073 ("Tequila" by The Champs playing) 616 00:22:58,753 --> 00:23:00,713 Bernie Zucker. Howie Stapleman. 617 00:23:00,755 --> 00:23:01,705 - Yeah. - That's us. 618 00:23:01,756 --> 00:23:02,756 Susie Myerson 619 00:23:02,799 --> 00:23:03,799 of Susie Myerson and Associates. 620 00:23:03,841 --> 00:23:04,841 Management firm. 621 00:23:04,884 --> 00:23:06,974 - Okay. - Thanks for coming. 622 00:23:07,011 --> 00:23:09,061 - Thanks for coming? - We're waiting on someone else. 623 00:23:09,097 --> 00:23:11,217 - Katharine Hepburn? - Yeah, Katharine Hepburn. 624 00:23:11,265 --> 00:23:12,595 Truth be told, that was me on the phone. 625 00:23:12,642 --> 00:23:14,232 - You... -(imitating Hepburn): Hello, Bernie? 626 00:23:14,268 --> 00:23:17,228 What's say we do The Rainmaker on the old Broadway. 627 00:23:17,271 --> 00:23:18,981 - The hell is this? - Let's go, Bernie. -No, guys. 628 00:23:19,023 --> 00:23:20,573 Please, listen. Look, people say you two 629 00:23:20,608 --> 00:23:22,238 are the hottest producers on Broadway right now, 630 00:23:22,276 --> 00:23:24,896 and I have a client that you are gonna flip over, hand to heart. 631 00:23:24,946 --> 00:23:26,856 - Really. - Yeah. Really. 632 00:23:26,906 --> 00:23:29,866 Yale drama school. Tons of experience on stage. 633 00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:32,659 Adoring crowds. She knows Elia Kazan intimately. 634 00:23:32,703 --> 00:23:34,293 She comes with a built-in audience. 635 00:23:34,330 --> 00:23:35,620 We're listening. 636 00:23:35,665 --> 00:23:36,995 She's never done Broadway, but she's ready. 637 00:23:37,041 --> 00:23:39,421 You'd be very lucky to scoop her up. 638 00:23:39,460 --> 00:23:41,130 I got other meetings set. 639 00:23:41,170 --> 00:23:43,460 - Okay. We'll bite. - Who is it? 640 00:23:43,506 --> 00:23:45,376 Sophie Lennon. 641 00:23:45,424 --> 00:23:48,014 (Bernie and Howie laughing) 642 00:23:48,052 --> 00:23:49,802 Sophie Lennon? 643 00:23:49,846 --> 00:23:51,806 (laughing continues) 644 00:23:51,848 --> 00:23:53,768 Yep. 645 00:23:53,808 --> 00:23:55,728 It's not the name you were expecting. 646 00:23:57,728 --> 00:23:59,808 Yeah. Yeah, it's very amusing. 647 00:23:59,856 --> 00:24:01,356 - Oh, that is too... - What... what part? 648 00:24:01,399 --> 00:24:02,779 Miss Julie. 649 00:24:02,817 --> 00:24:06,397 Oh, no, Strindberg? Oh, my God. I can't... 650 00:24:06,445 --> 00:24:09,485 - I am gonna be laughing till Passover. - SUSIE: Yeah, okay. 651 00:24:09,532 --> 00:24:12,792 Really, guys, I know comedy, so I know nothing is this funny. 652 00:24:12,827 --> 00:24:14,867 (laughing): I can't even... 653 00:24:14,912 --> 00:24:16,122 - All right, stop it! - (laughter stops) 654 00:24:16,164 --> 00:24:17,584 You had your laughs. 655 00:24:17,623 --> 00:24:20,043 Now let's say we get down to brass fuckin' tacks. 656 00:24:20,084 --> 00:24:22,554 I can make you a lot of money. You like money? I like money. 657 00:24:22,587 --> 00:24:24,547 - Tell me you don't like money. - We like money. 658 00:24:24,589 --> 00:24:25,589 Yeah, we like money. 659 00:24:25,631 --> 00:24:26,631 Yeah, I've seen your résumés. 660 00:24:26,674 --> 00:24:28,224 You're not exactly flawless. 661 00:24:28,259 --> 00:24:30,389 One of you did some musical about the Donner Party? 662 00:24:30,428 --> 00:24:33,138 That crack the Times made: "The actors chewed the scenery 663 00:24:33,181 --> 00:24:34,561 and then each other." 664 00:24:34,599 --> 00:24:36,559 - I'm still sore. - All right, look, I jotted down 665 00:24:36,601 --> 00:24:38,561 some stats you might be interested in. 666 00:24:38,603 --> 00:24:41,443 In the big markets, Sophie can sell out a 5,000-seater 667 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:42,900 without breaking a sweat. 668 00:24:42,940 --> 00:24:44,650 Now, last year she did two shows 669 00:24:44,692 --> 00:24:47,702 in one night in Los Angeles for a total of 6,500 people. 670 00:24:47,737 --> 00:24:49,567 In the smaller markets, she can sell out 671 00:24:49,614 --> 00:24:50,954 the biggest houses they have, 672 00:24:50,990 --> 00:24:52,370 and they're beggin' for extra nights. 673 00:24:52,408 --> 00:24:54,408 Now, if you can get just a teeny-tiny percentage 674 00:24:54,452 --> 00:24:56,872 of her rabid fans to come see this show, 675 00:24:56,913 --> 00:24:58,293 you have a smash. 676 00:24:58,331 --> 00:25:00,631 Either of you guys in the market for a smash? 677 00:25:01,959 --> 00:25:03,919 The funny little redhead, Carol Burnett, 678 00:25:03,961 --> 00:25:05,301 she slayed 'em in Mattress. 679 00:25:05,338 --> 00:25:06,458 Mm. Younger, though. 680 00:25:06,505 --> 00:25:07,915 Sophie's got miles on her. 681 00:25:07,965 --> 00:25:09,215 She's not bad looking. 682 00:25:09,258 --> 00:25:11,218 Met her at a party in Oyster Bay. 683 00:25:11,260 --> 00:25:12,600 Pretty full of herself, though. 684 00:25:12,637 --> 00:25:14,137 She comes to this humbly, gentlemen. 685 00:25:14,180 --> 00:25:16,020 She knows it's a stretch, but she's up for it. 686 00:25:16,057 --> 00:25:17,177 The guy part. 687 00:25:17,225 --> 00:25:18,845 - Jean. - It's big enough to draw a name? 688 00:25:18,893 --> 00:25:21,403 - He's on every page. - If you can get a name, someone big, 689 00:25:21,437 --> 00:25:23,397 - someone to anchor this... - Someone like... 690 00:25:23,439 --> 00:25:25,729 - Gavin Hawk. - Yes. Gavin Hawk. 691 00:25:25,775 --> 00:25:27,185 Then this could work. 692 00:25:27,235 --> 00:25:28,435 Gavin Hawk, yeah, he'd be great. 693 00:25:28,486 --> 00:25:30,446 Yeah. Set up a meeting with him and you. 694 00:25:30,488 --> 00:25:31,658 You bag him, we'll talk. 695 00:25:31,697 --> 00:25:32,987 Great. 696 00:25:33,032 --> 00:25:34,582 Let's get some food. 697 00:25:34,617 --> 00:25:36,287 You do a pretty good Katharine Hepburn. 698 00:25:36,327 --> 00:25:38,617 Oh, you should hear my Judy Holliday. 699 00:25:38,663 --> 00:25:42,123 ♪ ♪ 700 00:25:42,166 --> 00:25:44,166 ♪ And every time it rains ♪ 701 00:25:44,210 --> 00:25:46,460 ♪ It rains pennies from heaven ♪ 702 00:25:46,504 --> 00:25:48,094 ♪ Scooby-dooby ♪ 703 00:25:48,130 --> 00:25:50,470 ♪ Don't you know each cloud contains ♪ 704 00:25:50,508 --> 00:25:51,968 ♪ Pennies from heaven? ♪ 705 00:25:52,009 --> 00:25:53,299 ♪ Scooby-dooby... ♪ 706 00:25:53,344 --> 00:25:55,184 Excuse me, Mr. Maisel? 707 00:25:55,221 --> 00:25:56,391 Uh, yes? 708 00:25:56,430 --> 00:25:58,350 I was keeping an eye out for you. 709 00:25:58,391 --> 00:26:00,601 - Oh, that wasn't necessary. - When Angie Calibresi heard 710 00:26:00,643 --> 00:26:02,603 that Mrs. Maisel had a guest coming, 711 00:26:02,645 --> 00:26:03,845 he wanted you to be taken care of. 712 00:26:03,896 --> 00:26:05,516 (snaps fingers) 713 00:26:05,564 --> 00:26:08,324 Take Mr. Maisel's bag to 407. 714 00:26:08,359 --> 00:26:09,569 Uh, thanks. 715 00:26:09,610 --> 00:26:10,780 (women laughing) 716 00:26:10,820 --> 00:26:12,110 Enjoy your stay. 717 00:26:12,154 --> 00:26:13,744 I think I will. 718 00:26:13,781 --> 00:26:15,991 ♪ And when you hear thunder ♪ 719 00:26:16,033 --> 00:26:18,123 ♪ Don't run under a tree ♪ 720 00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:20,290 ♪ There'll be pennies from heaven ♪ 721 00:26:20,329 --> 00:26:22,709 ♪ For you and me. ♪ 722 00:26:22,748 --> 00:26:25,538 - (coins clacking) - Oh-ho-ho! 723 00:26:25,584 --> 00:26:27,554 The lead story in the paper's first issue 724 00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:29,956 needs to grab people by the neck and not let go. 725 00:26:30,006 --> 00:26:31,966 - It needs to shout. - In a barbaric yawp. 726 00:26:32,008 --> 00:26:33,548 How about an interview with Fidel? 727 00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:35,472 Castro? My God, that would be amazing. 728 00:26:35,511 --> 00:26:37,811 - What's your connection to him? - I don't have a connection. 729 00:26:37,847 --> 00:26:39,967 We go to Cuba. Camp outside his door. 730 00:26:40,016 --> 00:26:42,266 Or we connect with Che Guevara, and Che gets us to Fidel. 731 00:26:42,310 --> 00:26:43,520 How do you get to Che Guevara? 732 00:26:43,561 --> 00:26:45,401 We go to Cuba. Camp outside his door. 733 00:26:45,438 --> 00:26:47,318 Che seems even less approachable. 734 00:26:47,356 --> 00:26:48,976 - But sexier. - Yes, but I'm not sure 735 00:26:49,025 --> 00:26:50,855 how that gets us to Che Guevara. 736 00:26:50,901 --> 00:26:52,531 We go through Che's friend, Alberto Granado. 737 00:26:52,570 --> 00:26:53,990 How do we get to Granada? 738 00:26:54,030 --> 00:26:55,950 We go to Cuba. Camp outside his door. 739 00:26:55,990 --> 00:26:57,870 You know, Cuba is awfully humid. 740 00:26:57,908 --> 00:26:59,448 I could write a piece on my landlord. 741 00:26:59,493 --> 00:27:01,253 - What did he do? - My toilet's been running for a week, 742 00:27:01,287 --> 00:27:03,537 - and he's done nothing to fix it. - That's fascist. 743 00:27:03,581 --> 00:27:05,881 That's annoying. I don't know that you could call it fascist. 744 00:27:05,916 --> 00:27:08,086 - You try jiggling the handle? - Turning it off with the valve 745 00:27:08,127 --> 00:27:10,757 - at the base of the toilet? - Every time I use it? That's a nightmare. 746 00:27:10,796 --> 00:27:12,716 There has to be something between Che 747 00:27:12,757 --> 00:27:14,717 - and your wonky toilet. - KESSLER: Okay, fine. 748 00:27:14,759 --> 00:27:16,589 But I'm not happy, and my client's 749 00:27:16,635 --> 00:27:18,175 not gonna be happy, either. 750 00:27:18,220 --> 00:27:19,680 We'll talk later. 751 00:27:19,722 --> 00:27:21,562 Brace yourself, Abe. I got bad news. 752 00:27:21,599 --> 00:27:23,429 - What, what is it? - That was the D.A. 753 00:27:23,476 --> 00:27:25,306 They're dropping the charges against you. 754 00:27:25,353 --> 00:27:27,773 - No! - They're going through their files and dropping charges 755 00:27:27,813 --> 00:27:29,233 for insignificant, victimless crimes. 756 00:27:29,273 --> 00:27:31,233 - Yours was one of them. - Insignificant? 757 00:27:31,275 --> 00:27:32,685 No, we've got to fight this. 758 00:27:32,735 --> 00:27:34,485 Abe, it's a tiny bit unorthodox 759 00:27:34,528 --> 00:27:37,028 for a criminal defense attorney to fight charges being dropped 760 00:27:37,073 --> 00:27:39,453 - against his own client. - Call the bastard back. 761 00:27:39,492 --> 00:27:40,452 - Abe... - Call him back! 762 00:27:40,493 --> 00:27:41,453 Whatever you want. 763 00:27:41,494 --> 00:27:42,454 We can go downtown, Abe, 764 00:27:42,495 --> 00:27:43,445 occupy the D.A.'s office 765 00:27:43,496 --> 00:27:44,656 till they make things right. 766 00:27:44,705 --> 00:27:46,245 That's good. At the very least, 767 00:27:46,290 --> 00:27:48,290 it's criminal trespass... they'd have to arrest me again. 768 00:27:48,334 --> 00:27:50,464 - It could become our lead story. - It's the '60s, man. 769 00:27:50,503 --> 00:27:52,553 Yeah, Frank. Kessler again. Look, my client's pissed. 770 00:27:52,588 --> 00:27:54,718 If you go through with dropping these charges, 771 00:27:54,757 --> 00:27:57,967 he's coming down with a group to occupy your offices! 772 00:27:58,010 --> 00:28:00,010 Yes, they are serious. 773 00:28:00,054 --> 00:28:01,934 - They are not joking. - Oh-ho. 774 00:28:01,972 --> 00:28:04,772 - Okay, I'll ask. He wants to know when. - We'll do it Tuesday. 775 00:28:04,809 --> 00:28:07,519 - I can't Tuesday. I've got a dentist appointment. - And I can't do Wednesday. 776 00:28:07,561 --> 00:28:10,021 It's Zelda's birthday... we're taking her to the Four Seasons. 777 00:28:10,064 --> 00:28:12,654 It's supposed to be fabulous. I can do Thursday morning. 778 00:28:12,691 --> 00:28:13,861 It's supposed to rain on Thursday. 779 00:28:13,901 --> 00:28:14,941 Traffic'll be a nightmare. 780 00:28:14,985 --> 00:28:16,025 And I can only do Friday after 3:00, 781 00:28:16,070 --> 00:28:17,530 - after piano. - D.A.'s got to go, Abe. 782 00:28:17,571 --> 00:28:19,531 - What's it gonna be? - What's it gonna be? 783 00:28:19,573 --> 00:28:22,953 Sir, we'll be occupying your offices the week after next. 784 00:28:22,993 --> 00:28:24,623 I believe we're talking Thursday, 785 00:28:24,662 --> 00:28:26,462 probably between 10:00 and 1:30. 786 00:28:26,497 --> 00:28:28,867 And one of us may have to peel off early. 787 00:28:28,916 --> 00:28:30,206 Good day. 788 00:28:31,919 --> 00:28:33,839 (sighs): Oh, yeah. 789 00:28:33,879 --> 00:28:37,259 Che's gonna be no match for us. 790 00:28:37,299 --> 00:28:38,719 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, 791 00:28:38,759 --> 00:28:40,929 welcome to the Phoenician Hotel Showroom. 792 00:28:40,970 --> 00:28:43,600 Please give a nice hand to funny lady, 793 00:28:43,639 --> 00:28:45,429 Mrs. Maisel! 794 00:28:45,474 --> 00:28:47,064 (whooping, whistling) 795 00:28:48,102 --> 00:28:49,442 Thank you. 796 00:28:49,478 --> 00:28:52,188 Thank you very much. 797 00:28:52,231 --> 00:28:54,071 So, this afternoon, I was... 798 00:28:54,108 --> 00:28:56,438 Oh, my God. That's my ex-husband. 799 00:28:56,485 --> 00:28:57,985 My ex-husband's here, right there at that table. 800 00:28:58,028 --> 00:29:00,028 He lives in New York. What... 801 00:29:00,072 --> 00:29:02,702 No, I invited him to come. 802 00:29:02,741 --> 00:29:04,241 - (laughter) - It's fine. 803 00:29:04,285 --> 00:29:06,615 Now, I promised him I wouldn't talk about him, 804 00:29:06,662 --> 00:29:09,422 - but that just shows he can't read a bluff. -(laughter) 805 00:29:09,457 --> 00:29:12,837 If you see him at a poker table after the show, go all in. 806 00:29:12,877 --> 00:29:14,417 (laughter) 807 00:29:14,462 --> 00:29:18,972 So, Joel Maisel was born in a shtetl called Brooklyn. 808 00:29:19,008 --> 00:29:20,838 (laughter) 809 00:29:20,885 --> 00:29:22,885 (indistinct chatter) 810 00:29:26,098 --> 00:29:27,558 Susie Myers. 811 00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:29,060 Myerson. 812 00:29:29,101 --> 00:29:31,691 He's ready for you. 813 00:29:31,729 --> 00:29:33,649 GAVIN: Yes, come in, 814 00:29:33,689 --> 00:29:35,649 come in! 815 00:29:35,691 --> 00:29:38,611 Gavin, this is Susie Myerson. 816 00:29:38,652 --> 00:29:40,532 - Bernie called about her. - Ah, any friend of Bernie's. 817 00:29:40,571 --> 00:29:42,871 - Come, sit, sit. - Thank you. 818 00:29:42,907 --> 00:29:44,777 Uh, nice to meet you, Mr. Hawk. 819 00:29:44,825 --> 00:29:46,365 How'd the show go tonight? 820 00:29:46,410 --> 00:29:48,120 A woman in row three coughed repeatedly 821 00:29:48,162 --> 00:29:51,082 during my "Is this a dagger which I see before me?" speech. 822 00:29:51,123 --> 00:29:53,213 - Hate that. - Otherwise, it went swimmingly. 823 00:29:53,250 --> 00:29:54,750 - Good to hear. - She died. 824 00:29:54,793 --> 00:29:57,133 - Well, serves her right. - It was either her or me. 825 00:29:57,171 --> 00:29:59,341 Uh, so you know, I've never seen Macbeth. 826 00:29:59,381 --> 00:30:01,971 - Oh, my. - Oh, my God. -What? 827 00:30:02,009 --> 00:30:03,839 - You said the name. - Macbeth? 828 00:30:03,886 --> 00:30:05,966 - Oh. -Oh, my God. - What? Wha-What am I doing? 829 00:30:06,013 --> 00:30:08,313 (clears throat) We never use that word 830 00:30:08,349 --> 00:30:09,559 in the theater. 831 00:30:09,600 --> 00:30:11,730 - Superstition. - I am so sorry. 832 00:30:11,769 --> 00:30:14,229 Must be hard to do the play if you can't say the word. 833 00:30:14,271 --> 00:30:15,811 Now, I'm quite happy with my management. 834 00:30:15,856 --> 00:30:17,896 I'm not in the market for anyone new. 835 00:30:17,942 --> 00:30:19,362 It's nothing like that. 836 00:30:19,401 --> 00:30:21,451 There's a play. We have our leading actress, 837 00:30:21,487 --> 00:30:24,237 and you would be perfect for the other lead. The man. 838 00:30:24,281 --> 00:30:26,121 And what, pray tell, is the play? 839 00:30:26,158 --> 00:30:28,078 It's... 840 00:30:28,118 --> 00:30:30,078 Can I say the title? 841 00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:32,540 There is only one title you cannot say, my dear. 842 00:30:32,581 --> 00:30:35,081 - Miss Julie. - Ah. Miss Julie. 843 00:30:35,125 --> 00:30:37,205 And who is playing Julie? 844 00:30:37,253 --> 00:30:39,173 - Sophie Lennon. - Sophie Lennon? 845 00:30:39,213 --> 00:30:41,343 - Yep. - Put that on your plate? 846 00:30:41,382 --> 00:30:42,472 What's this about a plate? 847 00:30:42,508 --> 00:30:43,878 - She's a comedian. - Ah. 848 00:30:43,926 --> 00:30:46,216 A comedian. A farceur. 849 00:30:46,262 --> 00:30:48,102 A wag. (chuckles) 850 00:30:48,138 --> 00:30:50,098 Interesting. Trod the boards much? 851 00:30:50,140 --> 00:30:52,100 - Uh... - Has she acted? 852 00:30:52,142 --> 00:30:53,942 At Yale, back in the day. 853 00:30:53,978 --> 00:30:56,728 Newcomers can bring fresh verve to a production. 854 00:30:56,772 --> 00:30:58,732 Unencumbered by technique. 855 00:30:58,774 --> 00:31:00,614 That is where I come in. 856 00:31:00,651 --> 00:31:02,321 I would be the anchor. 857 00:31:02,361 --> 00:31:04,151 You would be a terrific anchor. 858 00:31:04,196 --> 00:31:06,366 A huge dead weight on the production. 859 00:31:06,407 --> 00:31:07,947 That sounded wrong. 860 00:31:07,992 --> 00:31:09,582 I meant that you would be, uh... 861 00:31:09,618 --> 00:31:11,408 - Expensive? - Absolutely. 862 00:31:12,663 --> 00:31:13,873 Tell me. 863 00:31:13,914 --> 00:31:16,334 Who is the greatest comedic star? 864 00:31:16,375 --> 00:31:17,835 Uh, Jack Benny. 865 00:31:17,876 --> 00:31:19,706 - Nope. - Bob Hope. 866 00:31:19,753 --> 00:31:21,133 Charlie Chaplin. 867 00:31:21,171 --> 00:31:22,921 Charlie Chaplin. Yes, I was gonna say that. 868 00:31:22,965 --> 00:31:24,675 And who is the greatest dramatic star? 869 00:31:24,717 --> 00:31:26,137 - You. - Besides me. 870 00:31:26,176 --> 00:31:27,466 - Peter O'Toole. - Eh. 871 00:31:27,511 --> 00:31:29,761 - Rex Harrison. - Charlie Chaplin. 872 00:31:29,805 --> 00:31:31,015 Right. I was gonna say that. 873 00:31:31,056 --> 00:31:32,636 - See my point? - Crystal clear. 874 00:31:32,683 --> 00:31:35,233 Tragedy, comedy... all is one. 875 00:31:36,270 --> 00:31:38,230 You heard I was expensive? 876 00:31:38,272 --> 00:31:39,192 I did. 877 00:31:39,231 --> 00:31:40,861 Tell Bernie... 878 00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:42,229 I'll do it. 879 00:31:42,276 --> 00:31:45,106 Fan-fuckin'-tastic. 880 00:31:45,154 --> 00:31:46,244 Ha-ha-ha! 881 00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:48,660 Hey. I know it's late, but I just got back 882 00:31:48,699 --> 00:31:51,079 from the Belasco, and I have great news, fantastic news. 883 00:31:51,118 --> 00:31:52,198 SOPHIE: I'm listening. 884 00:31:52,244 --> 00:31:53,704 I think we have our Jean. 885 00:31:53,746 --> 00:31:55,156 Really? Who? 886 00:31:55,205 --> 00:31:56,825 Gavin Hawk. 887 00:31:59,543 --> 00:32:01,343 Sophie? This is huge. 888 00:32:01,378 --> 00:32:04,258 I mean, Gavin Hawk is one of the biggest stars on Broadway. 889 00:32:04,298 --> 00:32:05,838 I know who Gavin Hawk is. 890 00:32:05,883 --> 00:32:08,013 - He's a great actor. - He's an amazing actor. 891 00:32:08,052 --> 00:32:10,432 And we got him. We got Gavin Hawk. This is big. 892 00:32:10,471 --> 00:32:13,521 I suppose so. It's just... 893 00:32:13,557 --> 00:32:14,637 Just what? 894 00:32:14,683 --> 00:32:18,153 What if I'm not sexually attracted to him? 895 00:32:18,187 --> 00:32:21,187 - What if you're not... - He'd be the object 896 00:32:21,231 --> 00:32:23,941 - of my desire, my Jean. - Right. 897 00:32:23,984 --> 00:32:25,944 There needs to be sexual attraction. 898 00:32:25,986 --> 00:32:26,986 Sure. 899 00:32:27,029 --> 00:32:28,449 Powerful sexual attraction. 900 00:32:28,489 --> 00:32:30,489 And what if it's not there? 901 00:32:30,532 --> 00:32:31,992 I don't know, you act it? 902 00:32:32,034 --> 00:32:36,544 Act it. Easy for someone standing in the wings to say. 903 00:32:36,580 --> 00:32:38,830 Yes, I know I'm not the one standing on stage, but... 904 00:32:38,874 --> 00:32:40,964 Could you do a love scene with Roy Rogers' horse? 905 00:32:41,001 --> 00:32:42,461 - No. - Well, there you go. 906 00:32:42,503 --> 00:32:44,843 - But it's a horse. - That you're not attracted to. 907 00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:46,300 I'm not attracted to any horse. 908 00:32:46,340 --> 00:32:48,300 Well, that's my point. What if Hawk's a horse 909 00:32:48,342 --> 00:32:50,182 that I don't want to have sex with? 910 00:32:50,219 --> 00:32:52,509 Well, I would say that maybe you should meet this horse. 911 00:32:52,554 --> 00:32:54,014 Huh? You know? Maybe saddle him up, 912 00:32:54,056 --> 00:32:55,806 see if he's someone you want to ride. 913 00:32:55,849 --> 00:32:57,639 - Did he look trim? - Pretty much. 914 00:32:57,685 --> 00:32:59,765 - Trim butt? - He was sitting the whole time. 915 00:32:59,812 --> 00:33:01,902 I need a nice trim butt 916 00:33:01,939 --> 00:33:03,979 to be attracted to a man. 917 00:33:04,024 --> 00:33:06,284 Well, I'd say it was on the trim side. 918 00:33:06,318 --> 00:33:07,648 It's a bit curvy. 919 00:33:07,695 --> 00:33:09,905 It's... a couple of nice handfuls. 920 00:33:09,947 --> 00:33:11,277 Could you feel 921 00:33:11,323 --> 00:33:13,783 his magnetism, his machismo? 922 00:33:13,826 --> 00:33:14,906 How? He's British! 923 00:33:14,952 --> 00:33:17,502 Come on, Sophie, it's Gavin Hawk! 924 00:33:17,538 --> 00:33:19,668 Gavin Hawk. 925 00:33:19,707 --> 00:33:23,627 - Gavin Hawk. - Mmm. Lower. 926 00:33:23,669 --> 00:33:25,629 (deep voice): Gavin Hawk. 927 00:33:25,671 --> 00:33:27,131 Lower. 928 00:33:27,172 --> 00:33:30,552 - Lower. - I'm getting off the phone now. 929 00:33:31,593 --> 00:33:34,853 (dogs whining) 930 00:33:34,888 --> 00:33:37,268 You were so amazing; you had 'em in the palms of your hands. 931 00:33:37,307 --> 00:33:38,927 - I couldn't believe it. - It was a good night. 932 00:33:38,976 --> 00:33:40,386 They were eating it up. 933 00:33:40,436 --> 00:33:41,976 Well, a bunch of them were eating dinner. 934 00:33:42,020 --> 00:33:43,940 But the crowd around me stopped eating to watch you. 935 00:33:43,981 --> 00:33:45,481 I do put people off their appetites. 936 00:33:45,524 --> 00:33:47,154 - (women laughing) - Oh. There's Shy. 937 00:33:47,192 --> 00:33:48,992 - Shy! - No, Midge, don't. 938 00:33:49,027 --> 00:33:51,357 - I want you to meet him. Shy. - SHY: Hold this. -Hurry back. 939 00:33:51,405 --> 00:33:53,115 He was great. He was great! 940 00:33:53,157 --> 00:33:54,407 His show was great. 941 00:33:54,450 --> 00:33:55,620 Hello, Midge. - Shy, really quick, 942 00:33:55,659 --> 00:33:56,949 I just wanted to introduce you 943 00:33:56,994 --> 00:33:59,164 to my... ex-husband. 944 00:33:59,204 --> 00:34:01,004 - Okay. - I know, I explained it 945 00:34:01,039 --> 00:34:02,249 in my set... you missed it. 946 00:34:02,291 --> 00:34:03,501 But this is Joel. 947 00:34:03,542 --> 00:34:05,462 Joel, Shy Baldwin. 948 00:34:05,502 --> 00:34:06,842 Nice to meet you, Joel. 949 00:34:06,879 --> 00:34:09,089 Nice to meet you, Mr. Baldwin. Great show. 950 00:34:09,131 --> 00:34:11,381 I mean, I wasn't your biggest fan before tonight... 951 00:34:11,425 --> 00:34:13,385 - Good to hear. - No. I didn't mean it to sound 952 00:34:13,427 --> 00:34:14,887 like I didn't like you before. 953 00:34:14,928 --> 00:34:17,178 I liked you. But now it's, like, love. 954 00:34:17,222 --> 00:34:18,682 I love you. 955 00:34:18,724 --> 00:34:20,064 Joel, you're on the rebound. 956 00:34:20,100 --> 00:34:21,940 Slow down, and let's see where this goes. 957 00:34:21,977 --> 00:34:22,977 (chuckles): I'm sorry. 958 00:34:23,020 --> 00:34:23,980 That's very sweet. 959 00:34:24,021 --> 00:34:25,611 And it's very nice to meet you. 960 00:34:25,647 --> 00:34:27,517 - Same here. - Thanks, Shy. 961 00:34:27,566 --> 00:34:28,726 See you tomorrow. 962 00:34:28,776 --> 00:34:29,936 Yeah. See you tomorrow. 963 00:34:29,985 --> 00:34:31,355 I mean, uh, she will. 964 00:34:31,403 --> 00:34:33,363 - (chuckles): I don't... - Wow. 965 00:34:33,405 --> 00:34:35,775 - I fell apart. - You crumbled like a Lorna Doone. 966 00:34:35,824 --> 00:34:37,624 You're opening for Shy Baldwin. 967 00:34:37,659 --> 00:34:40,159 - Come on, I'll buy you a drink. - I'm buying you a drink. 968 00:34:40,204 --> 00:34:42,754 - You're opening for Shy Baldwin! - (laughs) 969 00:34:42,790 --> 00:34:44,830 MIDGE: Cherry lemon cherry. That should've been something. 970 00:34:44,875 --> 00:34:46,835 JOEL: Lemon blueberry bell. That should've been something. 971 00:34:46,877 --> 00:34:48,837 MIDGE: Blueberry cherry jackpot. That should've been something. 972 00:34:48,879 --> 00:34:50,839 JOEL: Lemon jackpot orange. That should've been something. 973 00:34:50,881 --> 00:34:52,671 MIDGE: These machines are actually good luck. 974 00:34:52,716 --> 00:34:54,836 You're on Susie's... that's paid out at least seven times. 975 00:34:54,885 --> 00:34:56,215 - (coins clacking) - You won! 976 00:34:56,261 --> 00:34:57,641 - I won! - You're a winner! 977 00:34:57,679 --> 00:34:59,259 - Look at all those pennies! - Get a cup. 978 00:34:59,306 --> 00:35:00,466 Where do I get a cup? 979 00:35:00,516 --> 00:35:01,846 I won! I need a cup! 980 00:35:01,892 --> 00:35:03,312 He needs a cup! 981 00:35:03,352 --> 00:35:06,062 - (Joel laughing) - Here... 982 00:35:06,104 --> 00:35:08,484 (band play mellow jazz song) 983 00:35:10,984 --> 00:35:12,694 MIDGE: You're joking. 984 00:35:12,736 --> 00:35:14,446 - You're not joking? - I'm not joking. 985 00:35:14,488 --> 00:35:16,448 There's a gambling parlor in your basement? 986 00:35:16,490 --> 00:35:19,370 - Shh! - We're buffered by dozens of rectangular states. 987 00:35:19,409 --> 00:35:21,619 - They can't hear us. - But if they knew I told you, 988 00:35:21,662 --> 00:35:23,662 they would, like, maybe have me killed. 989 00:35:23,705 --> 00:35:25,915 Or be disappointed in me... that would hurt worse. 990 00:35:25,958 --> 00:35:29,288 Chinese guilt is almost as ancient as Jewish guilt. 991 00:35:29,336 --> 00:35:31,506 - Hey. Look. - Where? 992 00:35:31,547 --> 00:35:33,257 The-the roulette table. That's what's-her-name. 993 00:35:33,298 --> 00:35:35,838 - Who's-her-name? - The actress. From your movie. 994 00:35:35,884 --> 00:35:38,894 - What's my movie? - That movie, the super sexy blonde girl movie. 995 00:35:38,929 --> 00:35:40,349 Pillow Talk? 996 00:35:40,389 --> 00:35:42,099 Pillow Talk? No, that's Doris Day. 997 00:35:42,140 --> 00:35:44,270 - You think Doris Day is sexy? - She's wholesome sexy. 998 00:35:44,309 --> 00:35:46,269 But the movie I'm talking about is a good movie. 999 00:35:46,311 --> 00:35:48,731 - I liked Pillow Talk. - It's the one with the lady named Midge. 1000 00:35:48,772 --> 00:35:50,272 But this lady played the other lady. 1001 00:35:50,315 --> 00:35:51,685 She fell out of a tower. 1002 00:35:51,733 --> 00:35:53,693 The man saw her fall and went, "Aah..." 1003 00:35:53,735 --> 00:35:55,195 - Vertigo! Oh. - Shh, shh, shh! 1004 00:35:55,237 --> 00:35:57,107 - That's the lady. - That's Kim Novak? 1005 00:35:57,155 --> 00:36:00,025 (gasps) That's Kim Novak. 1006 00:36:00,075 --> 00:36:01,115 That's what I'm saying. 1007 00:36:01,159 --> 00:36:02,619 She's playing roulette? 1008 00:36:02,661 --> 00:36:04,371 She's so elegant. Should I go blonde again? 1009 00:36:04,413 --> 00:36:06,463 Oh, my God, Imogene would die if she was here. 1010 00:36:06,498 --> 00:36:08,038 She'd just keel over and die. 1011 00:36:08,083 --> 00:36:10,883 - She dabbed her mouth. - She's all kinds of human. 1012 00:36:10,919 --> 00:36:13,919 Kim Novak's lipstick is on that napkin. 1013 00:36:13,964 --> 00:36:17,434 Uh, if only I had a big, strong man around. 1014 00:36:17,467 --> 00:36:19,137 You want the napkin? 1015 00:36:19,177 --> 00:36:21,177 - For Imogene. - On it! 1016 00:36:21,221 --> 00:36:23,471 - Really? - We'll never get this chance again. 1017 00:36:23,515 --> 00:36:25,385 We might. I run into her at Zabars all the time. 1018 00:36:25,434 --> 00:36:27,444 But does she ever dab her lipstick at Zabars? 1019 00:36:27,477 --> 00:36:28,897 Mm. 1020 00:36:30,105 --> 00:36:31,565 Joel. 1021 00:36:32,774 --> 00:36:35,494 (chuckles) 1022 00:36:36,653 --> 00:36:38,663 (gasping) 1023 00:36:41,658 --> 00:36:43,658 (laughs) 1024 00:36:43,702 --> 00:36:45,752 Look at that. 1025 00:36:45,787 --> 00:36:47,157 Kim Novak's lips. 1026 00:36:47,205 --> 00:36:48,535 She smells good, too. 1027 00:36:48,582 --> 00:36:50,082 You smelled Kim Novak? 1028 00:36:50,125 --> 00:36:51,705 Hey. Two more. 1029 00:36:51,752 --> 00:36:53,712 - (both laughing) - Oh... 1030 00:36:53,754 --> 00:36:56,094 Shh. 1031 00:36:56,131 --> 00:36:58,131 ♪ ♪ 1032 00:37:08,769 --> 00:37:09,769 (door closing) 1033 00:37:09,811 --> 00:37:11,811 (indistinct chatter in distance) 1034 00:37:13,148 --> 00:37:15,608 (sighs) 1035 00:37:20,489 --> 00:37:23,199 Oh, hi. 1036 00:37:23,241 --> 00:37:24,991 Hi. 1037 00:37:26,370 --> 00:37:28,750 (grunts) 1038 00:37:28,789 --> 00:37:31,119 - Hoo, boy. - Yeah. 1039 00:37:31,166 --> 00:37:33,666 I got Big Ben in my head. 1040 00:37:33,710 --> 00:37:36,000 Mm. What time is it? 1041 00:37:36,046 --> 00:37:38,376 Kill me o'clock. 1042 00:37:38,423 --> 00:37:40,633 - (sighs) - Yeah. 1043 00:37:40,676 --> 00:37:43,386 Oh, great. Got an eight-ten split. 1044 00:37:43,428 --> 00:37:46,468 Mm. I've got cotton mouth. 1045 00:37:46,515 --> 00:37:48,135 Mine's glue. 1046 00:37:48,183 --> 00:37:50,943 Or cement. 1047 00:37:50,978 --> 00:37:52,348 I'll get us some water. 1048 00:37:52,396 --> 00:37:54,606 Or some paint thinner. 1049 00:37:54,648 --> 00:37:56,398 (grunts) 1050 00:37:56,441 --> 00:37:58,651 (groaning): Oh, my God. 1051 00:38:03,031 --> 00:38:04,491 Some night. 1052 00:38:04,533 --> 00:38:06,163 - JOEL: Yeah. - (grunts) 1053 00:38:06,201 --> 00:38:07,741 - (water running) - Nice hotel. 1054 00:38:07,786 --> 00:38:09,786 - Nice people, too. - (water stops) 1055 00:38:15,460 --> 00:38:18,010 - Here. - Thanks. 1056 00:38:22,259 --> 00:38:25,259 (exhales) 1057 00:38:25,303 --> 00:38:27,313 Last night... 1058 00:38:27,347 --> 00:38:29,427 Yeah? 1059 00:38:29,474 --> 00:38:31,484 We saw Shy. 1060 00:38:31,518 --> 00:38:33,478 We played slots. 1061 00:38:33,520 --> 00:38:36,190 There's your bucket of pennies. 1062 00:38:36,231 --> 00:38:39,071 Kim Novak was playing roulette. 1063 00:38:39,109 --> 00:38:41,029 We stole her napkin. 1064 00:38:41,069 --> 00:38:43,449 You smelled her. 1065 00:38:43,488 --> 00:38:45,658 Then you bought drinks for the whole lounge. 1066 00:38:45,699 --> 00:38:47,159 That was dumb. 1067 00:38:47,200 --> 00:38:48,700 Especially since they're free. 1068 00:38:48,744 --> 00:38:51,584 There's a chapel downstairs. 1069 00:38:51,621 --> 00:38:53,831 Right inside the hotel. 1070 00:38:53,874 --> 00:38:55,504 How do you know? 1071 00:38:58,670 --> 00:39:00,460 Did we...? 1072 00:39:00,505 --> 00:39:01,505 No. 1073 00:39:01,548 --> 00:39:02,548 I think we... 1074 00:39:02,591 --> 00:39:03,681 No. 1075 00:39:03,717 --> 00:39:06,047 No, no, no. 1076 00:39:06,094 --> 00:39:08,724 Oh, boy. 1077 00:39:08,764 --> 00:39:09,934 - Is that a diamond? - Glass. 1078 00:39:11,850 --> 00:39:13,980 Mama knows. 1079 00:39:14,019 --> 00:39:17,359 Hold on. Hold on. 1080 00:39:18,690 --> 00:39:20,650 I can't feel my tongue. 1081 00:39:20,692 --> 00:39:23,242 It's like I've had Novocain. 1082 00:39:23,278 --> 00:39:26,028 Seriously, we didn't go to a dentist last night, did we? 1083 00:39:41,296 --> 00:39:43,086 We got married? 1084 00:39:43,131 --> 00:39:45,051 We got married. 1085 00:39:45,092 --> 00:39:47,932 Shit. 1086 00:39:47,969 --> 00:39:50,009 And we definitely didn't go to a dentist? 1087 00:39:50,055 --> 00:39:52,175 Not unless you can get married at the dentist. 1088 00:39:53,350 --> 00:39:54,640 (chuckles) 1089 00:39:54,684 --> 00:39:57,234 Why in the world are you laughing? 1090 00:39:57,270 --> 00:39:58,980 You're right. This is serious. 1091 00:39:59,022 --> 00:40:00,322 We have so much to discuss. 1092 00:40:00,357 --> 00:40:01,607 Like our starter home. 1093 00:40:01,650 --> 00:40:03,110 Something in Westchester might be nice. 1094 00:40:03,151 --> 00:40:04,951 And where to honeymoon. 1095 00:40:04,986 --> 00:40:06,356 Niagara Falls is probably long booked. 1096 00:40:06,404 --> 00:40:07,534 - We could go on a cruise. - Midge. 1097 00:40:07,572 --> 00:40:09,282 You should know I have kids. 1098 00:40:09,324 --> 00:40:11,374 From a previous marriage, but I think you'll like them. 1099 00:40:11,409 --> 00:40:12,989 - Midge. - And we should meet each other's parents. 1100 00:40:13,036 --> 00:40:14,616 - You're Jewish, right? - How can they just let 1101 00:40:14,663 --> 00:40:16,923 two people drunk off their asses get married like that? 1102 00:40:16,957 --> 00:40:19,167 I don't think they let you get married here if you're sober. 1103 00:40:19,209 --> 00:40:20,379 This is not good. 1104 00:40:20,418 --> 00:40:22,208 This is paperwork and legal stuff. 1105 00:40:22,254 --> 00:40:23,594 We just got divorced. 1106 00:40:23,630 --> 00:40:24,840 Maybe this time we'll get a discount. 1107 00:40:24,881 --> 00:40:26,301 It's embarrassing. 1108 00:40:26,341 --> 00:40:27,881 People shouldn't know. Don't tell Imogene. 1109 00:40:27,926 --> 00:40:30,136 - I won't. - Or Archie. Or anyone. 1110 00:40:30,178 --> 00:40:32,008 It's not right, it's not good. 1111 00:40:32,055 --> 00:40:33,305 I've got a... 1112 00:40:33,348 --> 00:40:35,558 A what? 1113 00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:36,980 You've got a what? 1114 00:40:37,018 --> 00:40:39,228 I'm kind of seeing someone. 1115 00:40:39,271 --> 00:40:42,231 Oh. Y-You've got a girlfriend. 1116 00:40:42,274 --> 00:40:44,654 - She's not a girlfriend. - A close friend who's a girl. 1117 00:40:44,693 --> 00:40:46,573 - I've got a headache. - How serious? 1118 00:40:46,611 --> 00:40:48,781 - It's a bad fucking headache. - The girl. 1119 00:40:48,822 --> 00:40:50,072 It's very new. 1120 00:40:50,115 --> 00:40:51,985 She's the first thing that came to your mind. 1121 00:40:52,033 --> 00:40:53,953 - She wasn't the first thing. - I won't tell her. 1122 00:40:53,994 --> 00:40:55,794 - If that's what you're worried about. - You don't know her. 1123 00:40:55,829 --> 00:40:58,369 I mean, if I see you with her, I won't tell her we got married 1124 00:40:58,415 --> 00:41:00,785 and I sure as hell won't tell her we slept together. 1125 00:41:00,834 --> 00:41:02,094 Can she sharpen a pencil? 1126 00:41:02,127 --> 00:41:03,337 You're making this too big a thing. 1127 00:41:03,378 --> 00:41:04,628 And, yes, she can sharpen a pencil. 1128 00:41:04,671 --> 00:41:05,881 You know, you didn't have to come out. 1129 00:41:05,922 --> 00:41:07,382 I didn't mean to pry you away. 1130 00:41:07,424 --> 00:41:09,514 - You could've said no. - Seriously, Midge? 1131 00:41:09,551 --> 00:41:11,391 - I'm not upset. - We're divorced. 1132 00:41:11,428 --> 00:41:14,388 And this thing I have, I can't even call it a relationship yet. 1133 00:41:14,431 --> 00:41:16,351 - Yes, you said. - And I was not the first. 1134 00:41:16,391 --> 00:41:18,351 - You were the first. - The first what? 1135 00:41:18,393 --> 00:41:19,483 You were engaged. 1136 00:41:19,519 --> 00:41:20,849 And I never gave you trouble. 1137 00:41:20,896 --> 00:41:22,106 I'm not engaged now. 1138 00:41:22,147 --> 00:41:23,647 No, because that would get in the way 1139 00:41:23,690 --> 00:41:25,150 of entertaining yourself on the road. 1140 00:41:25,192 --> 00:41:26,402 I beg your pardon. 1141 00:41:26,443 --> 00:41:27,573 (scoffs) Midge, come on. 1142 00:41:27,611 --> 00:41:29,281 No, no. What are you talking about? 1143 00:41:29,321 --> 00:41:31,241 - Shy Baldwin? - Oh, come on. 1144 00:41:31,281 --> 00:41:33,331 You call his name, he comes bounding up to you. 1145 00:41:33,366 --> 00:41:34,776 He's nice to everybody. 1146 00:41:34,826 --> 00:41:36,866 - Fans. Friends. Co-workers. - Oh, yeah? 1147 00:41:36,912 --> 00:41:38,832 - Yeah. - Then what about this. 1148 00:41:38,872 --> 00:41:40,672 Where are you going? 1149 00:41:40,707 --> 00:41:42,287 - Joel? - Whose are these? 1150 00:41:44,002 --> 00:41:45,212 They're sure not yours. 1151 00:41:45,253 --> 00:41:47,133 They're Susie's. 1152 00:41:48,548 --> 00:41:50,718 I'll put 'em back. 1153 00:41:52,385 --> 00:41:54,965 I need to get back to my room and get going. 1154 00:41:55,013 --> 00:41:57,143 - My flight's at noon. - Okay. 1155 00:41:57,182 --> 00:41:58,852 I'll, uh... 1156 00:41:58,892 --> 00:42:00,772 I'll get into it with my lawyer. 1157 00:42:00,810 --> 00:42:04,650 And you should probably do the same with yours. 1158 00:42:04,689 --> 00:42:06,069 I'll call him tomorrow. 1159 00:42:06,107 --> 00:42:08,937 I never asked you about the teddy bears. 1160 00:42:08,985 --> 00:42:10,485 They're my weird ask. 1161 00:42:10,528 --> 00:42:12,738 Okay. 1162 00:42:17,410 --> 00:42:19,370 (door opening, closing) 1163 00:42:19,412 --> 00:42:21,832 - (phone ringing) - (groans) 1164 00:42:22,916 --> 00:42:26,206 (grunts) Ow. 1165 00:42:26,253 --> 00:42:28,673 (groans) 1166 00:42:28,713 --> 00:42:29,973 Hello? 1167 00:42:30,006 --> 00:42:31,336 Miriam. It's your father. 1168 00:42:31,383 --> 00:42:33,393 Papa, what is it? Are the kids okay? 1169 00:42:33,426 --> 00:42:36,006 The kids are fine. We're not okay. 1170 00:42:36,054 --> 00:42:37,724 ROSE: We got into a huge fight with Moishe and Shirley. 1171 00:42:37,764 --> 00:42:39,104 ABE: Over hanging the mezuzahs. 1172 00:42:39,140 --> 00:42:40,770 ROSE: It almost came to blows. 1173 00:42:40,809 --> 00:42:42,389 Hey, Mama, could you speak a little quieter, please? 1174 00:42:42,435 --> 00:42:43,895 - I've got this headache. - She says you should be quiet. 1175 00:42:43,937 --> 00:42:45,807 - That's not what I said, Papa. - Be quiet? How dare she? 1176 00:42:45,855 --> 00:42:47,395 - Tell her that's not what I said. - I have a right to speak. 1177 00:42:47,440 --> 00:42:48,780 Why were you fighting about mezuzahs? 1178 00:42:48,817 --> 00:42:50,527 Moishe was hanging them wrong. 1179 00:42:50,568 --> 00:42:52,698 I told him the letter Shin should be on top, 1180 00:42:52,737 --> 00:42:54,857 facing the doorway, and he wouldn't listen. 1181 00:42:54,906 --> 00:42:56,406 So he was hanging them upside down? 1182 00:42:56,449 --> 00:42:57,869 ABE: And having Ethan help him. 1183 00:42:57,909 --> 00:42:59,579 My own grandson learning to hang mezuzahs 1184 00:42:59,619 --> 00:43:01,159 - like a shmuck. - He told us to butt out. 1185 00:43:01,204 --> 00:43:02,584 Really, Mama, could you back away 1186 00:43:02,622 --> 00:43:04,582 from the phone just a smidge when you talk? 1187 00:43:04,624 --> 00:43:06,214 - She says you should back off. - No, Mama, that's not what I said. 1188 00:43:06,251 --> 00:43:07,841 Miriam, this had been a bad enough day. 1189 00:43:07,877 --> 00:43:09,127 - I don't need you insulting me. - I have a headache. 1190 00:43:09,170 --> 00:43:10,510 Papa, you're a terrible go-between. 1191 00:43:10,547 --> 00:43:12,917 Moishe elbowed me. With his elbow. 1192 00:43:12,966 --> 00:43:14,676 His big, bony elbow. 1193 00:43:14,718 --> 00:43:16,798 Just try to hang on a little longer. 1194 00:43:16,845 --> 00:43:18,885 This living with them is temporary. 1195 00:43:18,930 --> 00:43:20,520 SHIRLEY: ♪ Shoo fly pie... ♪ 1196 00:43:20,557 --> 00:43:21,977 Shirley's coming and she might be naked. 1197 00:43:22,017 --> 00:43:23,687 She walks around the house naked. 1198 00:43:23,727 --> 00:43:24,937 - We've got to go. - ♪ And your tummy... ♪ 1199 00:43:28,189 --> 00:43:29,439 (sighs) Oh, God. 1200 00:43:32,444 --> 00:43:34,034 ANNOUNCER: Welcome, everyone, to the Phoenician Hotel. 1201 00:43:34,070 --> 00:43:36,110 - 90 seconds. - Thanks, Zack. 1202 00:43:36,156 --> 00:43:37,776 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats. 1203 00:43:37,824 --> 00:43:39,744 Our show is about to begin. 1204 00:43:39,784 --> 00:43:41,754 Hey. I made it for "tits up." Great. 1205 00:43:41,786 --> 00:43:44,406 (sighs) Lovin' this Vegas weather. 1206 00:43:44,456 --> 00:43:45,996 70 degrees in the dead of winter. 1207 00:43:46,041 --> 00:43:47,501 New York was freezing. 1208 00:43:47,542 --> 00:43:48,592 How've ya been? Everything good? 1209 00:43:48,626 --> 00:43:50,496 - I got married. - Wait. What? 1210 00:43:50,545 --> 00:43:52,205 To Joel. We're married. 1211 00:43:52,255 --> 00:43:55,215 - Joel who? - Joel who? You know who. Joel. 1212 00:43:55,258 --> 00:43:56,628 Your ex-husband? He's in New York. 1213 00:43:56,676 --> 00:43:58,296 - He came out to visit. - Get out of here. 1214 00:43:58,345 --> 00:43:59,795 And we got married. And then we had sex. 1215 00:43:59,846 --> 00:44:01,556 You just got divorced. I was there. I saw it. 1216 00:44:01,598 --> 00:44:03,218 The judge guy banged the gavel. 1217 00:44:03,266 --> 00:44:04,596 Don't think I'm happy about this. 1218 00:44:04,642 --> 00:44:05,772 You really couldn't hold it together 1219 00:44:05,810 --> 00:44:07,520 - for a few days, Miriam? - You're supposed 1220 00:44:07,562 --> 00:44:09,522 to hold it together for me, but you weren't here. 1221 00:44:09,564 --> 00:44:11,114 Now you're gonna blame me for you fucking 1222 00:44:11,149 --> 00:44:12,529 your ex-husband and getting married? 1223 00:44:12,567 --> 00:44:13,817 Stop, stop. 1224 00:44:13,860 --> 00:44:15,490 I know. It was stupid. 1225 00:44:15,528 --> 00:44:17,108 It's not your fault. 1226 00:44:17,155 --> 00:44:19,155 We got drunk, it happened. 1227 00:44:19,199 --> 00:44:22,159 Look, this is just another part of a manager's job. 1228 00:44:22,202 --> 00:44:23,872 Quickie divorces for drunk clients. 1229 00:44:23,912 --> 00:44:26,162 - I assume you want a divorce? - Of course. 1230 00:44:26,206 --> 00:44:27,996 Don't want to break up the happy couple. 1231 00:44:28,041 --> 00:44:30,501 - Happy couple? - Nothing. 1232 00:44:30,543 --> 00:44:31,883 Yeah, if you could help with this, that'd be good. 1233 00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:33,760 - Hello, ladies. - Angie, hi. What's up? 1234 00:44:33,797 --> 00:44:35,587 - Hi there, Angie. - Just wondering how it's going. 1235 00:44:35,632 --> 00:44:38,052 Shows are winding down, I'm gonna miss you guys. 1236 00:44:38,093 --> 00:44:40,223 (high-pitched): Everything's going absolutely great. 1237 00:44:40,261 --> 00:44:42,061 Just great. 1238 00:44:42,097 --> 00:44:45,307 Uh, g-great is a good word to describe how it's all going. 1239 00:44:45,350 --> 00:44:47,140 Excellent's good, too. 1240 00:44:47,185 --> 00:44:49,345 Good word, very good word to describe it. 1241 00:44:49,396 --> 00:44:50,936 Stupendous. 1242 00:44:50,980 --> 00:44:52,610 - See you after. - Thanks, Angie. 1243 00:44:52,649 --> 00:44:54,569 Your voice is all high. Why's your voice all high? 1244 00:44:54,609 --> 00:44:56,399 (normal voice): Miriam, listen to me carefully. 1245 00:44:56,444 --> 00:45:00,284 Never sit in Angie's swivel chair. 1246 00:45:00,323 --> 00:45:03,453 Okay, I won't sit in Angie's swivel chair. 1247 00:45:03,493 --> 00:45:04,953 We've both had enough of Vegas. 1248 00:45:04,994 --> 00:45:06,454 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, 1249 00:45:06,496 --> 00:45:08,076 welcome to the Phoenician Hotel Showroom. 1250 00:45:08,123 --> 00:45:10,293 - You gonna hang here? - Uh, a-actually, 1251 00:45:10,333 --> 00:45:11,843 I'm gonna go call Reggie, catch up on some things. 1252 00:45:11,876 --> 00:45:13,286 He's been very tough to get a hold of. 1253 00:45:13,336 --> 00:45:14,796 Work, work, work. (chuckles) 1254 00:45:14,838 --> 00:45:16,588 - But w-w-we'll meet up later. - Great. 1255 00:45:16,631 --> 00:45:19,181 - Tits up. - Tits up. 1256 00:45:19,217 --> 00:45:21,847 ANNOUNCER: our favorite funny lady, Mrs. Maisel. 1257 00:45:21,886 --> 00:45:24,256 (cheers and applause) 1258 00:45:24,305 --> 00:45:26,975 MIDGE: Thank you, thank you. 1259 00:45:27,016 --> 00:45:29,266 Thank you so very much, everyone. 1260 00:45:29,310 --> 00:45:32,060 So, who here has ever married her ex-husband? 1261 00:45:32,105 --> 00:45:33,765 (laughter) 1262 00:45:33,815 --> 00:45:35,645 Get those dice back to me quick, boys. 1263 00:45:35,692 --> 00:45:37,072 The hand is hot. (whoops) 1264 00:45:37,110 --> 00:45:38,610 Everything's good. 1265 00:45:38,653 --> 00:45:40,613 Got a Broadway show going, got my girl up on stage. 1266 00:45:40,655 --> 00:45:42,065 I'm raking in the chips. 1267 00:45:42,115 --> 00:45:44,275 Everything is definitely... Hands! 1268 00:45:44,325 --> 00:45:46,195 - What? - Get your goddamn hands up. 1269 00:45:46,244 --> 00:45:47,624 - Sorry. - Amateur. 1270 00:45:47,662 --> 00:45:49,582 Double up on everything, boys. 1271 00:45:49,622 --> 00:45:51,582 Hard eight, come on hard eight. 1272 00:45:51,624 --> 00:45:52,754 MAN: Hard eight! 1273 00:45:52,792 --> 00:45:54,092 - Yes! - Yes! 1274 00:45:54,127 --> 00:45:55,167 - Press the hard eight. - (whoops) 1275 00:45:55,211 --> 00:45:56,381 Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. 1276 00:45:56,421 --> 00:45:58,301 Come on. (whoops) 1277 00:45:58,339 --> 00:45:59,799 Little something for the boys. 1278 00:45:59,841 --> 00:46:01,551 Let's go. Hard eight. 1279 00:46:01,593 --> 00:46:05,013 Fuckin' dice in my hand. Come on. 1280 00:46:05,054 --> 00:46:07,064 ♪ ♪ 1281 00:46:09,517 --> 00:46:14,147 ♪ I like the way you smile at me ♪ 1282 00:46:14,189 --> 00:46:18,649 ♪ I felt the heat that enveloped me ♪ 1283 00:46:18,693 --> 00:46:23,323 ♪ And what I saw I like to see ♪ 1284 00:46:23,364 --> 00:46:25,414 ♪ I never knew ♪ 1285 00:46:25,450 --> 00:46:28,870 ♪ Where evil grew ♪ 1286 00:46:28,912 --> 00:46:33,792 ♪ I should have steered away from you ♪ 1287 00:46:33,833 --> 00:46:38,423 ♪ My friend told me to keep clear of you ♪ 1288 00:46:38,463 --> 00:46:42,933 ♪ But something drew me near to you ♪ 1289 00:46:42,967 --> 00:46:45,387 ♪ I never knew ♪ 1290 00:46:45,428 --> 00:46:48,388 ♪ Where evil grew ♪ 1291 00:46:50,141 --> 00:46:53,651 ♪ Evil grows in the dark ♪ 1292 00:46:53,686 --> 00:46:58,776 ♪ Where the sun, it never shines ♪ 1293 00:46:58,816 --> 00:47:02,736 ♪ Evil grows in cracks and holes ♪ 1294 00:47:02,779 --> 00:47:07,739 ♪ And lives in people's minds ♪ 1295 00:47:07,784 --> 00:47:11,584 ♪ Evil grew, it's part of you ♪ 1296 00:47:11,621 --> 00:47:15,251 ♪ And now it seems to be ♪ 1297 00:47:15,291 --> 00:47:20,261 ♪ That every time I look at you ♪ 1298 00:47:20,296 --> 00:47:25,546 ♪ Evil grows in me. ♪ 1299 00:47:25,593 --> 00:47:27,603 ♪ ♪ 1300 00:47:36,563 --> 00:47:39,863 ♪ Evil grew, it's part of you ♪ 1301 00:47:39,899 --> 00:47:44,069 ♪ And now it seems to be ♪ 1302 00:47:44,112 --> 00:47:48,492 ♪ That every time I look at you ♪ 1303 00:47:48,533 --> 00:47:53,623 ♪ Evil grows... in me. ♪