1 00:00:00,958 --> 00:00:03,083 -Hey, what about these germaphobes? 2 00:00:03,083 --> 00:00:04,375 They can't shake your hand. 3 00:00:04,375 --> 00:00:05,917 They got to give you the fist bump. 4 00:00:05,917 --> 00:00:07,333 You know what I do? I grabbed their fist, 5 00:00:07,333 --> 00:00:08,583 I hold it my armpit for a count of six. 6 00:00:08,583 --> 00:00:09,625 Come on. [ Laughter ] 7 00:00:09,625 --> 00:00:12,500 Dolby, come on. 8 00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:14,000 The whole show's gonna be like this. 9 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,500 The whole show. 10 00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:19,167 Other comics use gimmicks like ability, timing, 11 00:00:19,167 --> 00:00:21,625 good material, talent, whatever. 12 00:00:21,625 --> 00:00:23,750 None of that stuff in my show. 13 00:00:23,750 --> 00:00:26,875 The whole thing -- pure panic. 14 00:00:26,875 --> 00:00:30,000 Come on. My whole act is a side effect of Moderna. 15 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,250 Let's party. 16 00:00:31,250 --> 00:00:33,000 [ Laughter ] 17 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,833 If I took medication, I would take Prozac, 18 00:00:34,833 --> 00:00:37,167 Paxil, Zoloft all at the same time. 19 00:00:37,167 --> 00:00:39,208 Just walk around super-antidepressed. 20 00:00:39,208 --> 00:00:40,833 [ Snapping fingers ] 21 00:00:40,833 --> 00:00:43,542 "How do you feel, Greg? "Hip, hip, hooray!" 22 00:00:43,542 --> 00:00:45,375 [ Laughter ] 23 00:00:45,375 --> 00:00:48,417 High-five myself. No friends. There it is. 24 00:00:48,417 --> 00:00:49,833 Coming back. Don't leave me hanging. 25 00:00:49,833 --> 00:00:51,417 I got me. 26 00:00:51,417 --> 00:00:52,417 Party horn. 27 00:00:52,417 --> 00:00:53,792 [ Imitates horn blaring ] 28 00:00:53,792 --> 00:00:55,625 [ Snaps fingers, imitates horn blaring ] 29 00:00:55,625 --> 00:00:56,917 [ Snaps fingers ] Get it, man? 30 00:00:56,917 --> 00:00:58,208 That's the paper thing on the horn. 31 00:00:58,208 --> 00:01:00,042 [ Imitates horn blaring ] 32 00:01:00,042 --> 00:01:01,542 [ Laughter ] 33 00:01:01,542 --> 00:01:03,917 I write these jokes myself. 34 00:01:03,917 --> 00:01:06,417 Not too good. 35 00:01:06,417 --> 00:01:08,625 I'm my own writer, my own agent, my own manager, 36 00:01:08,625 --> 00:01:10,167 my own financial advisor. 37 00:01:10,167 --> 00:01:13,125 I'm driving the Greg Hahn empire into the ground! 38 00:01:13,125 --> 00:01:14,958 [ Laughter ] 39 00:01:14,958 --> 00:01:17,125 [ Laughs ] 40 00:01:17,125 --> 00:01:20,000 Uh, have we started yet? All right, here we go. 41 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:21,500 Hot crowd, hot crowd, hot crowd. 42 00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:24,708 Headbutt. Oh! A lot of stability out there. 43 00:01:24,708 --> 00:01:27,250 A lot of stable people. You know, couples, married people. 44 00:01:27,250 --> 00:01:28,583 Compare that to me. 45 00:01:28,583 --> 00:01:31,792 I travel around like a circus freak! 46 00:01:31,792 --> 00:01:34,750 Never married, no kids. I date girls half my age. 47 00:01:34,750 --> 00:01:36,625 You end up faced with yourself in the mirror like, 48 00:01:36,625 --> 00:01:38,333 "What are you? 49 00:01:38,333 --> 00:01:40,625 Some kind of a genius?! 50 00:01:40,625 --> 00:01:42,167 Whoo! 51 00:01:42,167 --> 00:01:44,708 How am I pulling this off? I'm 87." 52 00:01:44,708 --> 00:01:46,125 [ Laughter, applause ] 53 00:01:46,125 --> 00:01:48,333 I don't have money to raise a kid. 54 00:01:48,333 --> 00:01:51,042 I'm gonna need that cash for hair dye and a new Corvette. 55 00:01:51,042 --> 00:01:52,458 Come on. 56 00:01:52,458 --> 00:01:54,042 [ Laughter ] 57 00:01:54,042 --> 00:01:55,833 I'm shifting the Vette. Don't call 911. 58 00:01:55,833 --> 00:01:57,500 I'm shifting the Vette. 59 00:01:57,500 --> 00:01:59,542 Corvette convertible. Toupee flies off. 60 00:01:59,542 --> 00:02:01,708 Boom. Spare toupee. Bang. 61 00:02:01,708 --> 00:02:03,083 [ Laughter ] 62 00:02:03,083 --> 00:02:04,625 All right. 63 00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:07,958 [ Snapping fingers ] 64 00:02:07,958 --> 00:02:11,500 I'm gonna find a wife tonight! 65 00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:13,375 God, I wish I was out there to see this right now. 66 00:02:13,375 --> 00:02:16,042 I'm on fire! I'm on fire! 67 00:02:16,042 --> 00:02:17,917 I'm gonna sign a sitcom deal after this show. 68 00:02:17,917 --> 00:02:20,042 I'm gonna be rich. All right. 69 00:02:20,042 --> 00:02:21,833 I got to get out of here, everybody. Thanks so much. 70 00:02:21,833 --> 00:02:23,875 Come on. Let's get this party rocking. 71 00:02:23,875 --> 00:02:25,375 What a crowd. What a night. 72 00:02:25,375 --> 00:02:28,125 Dolby Theatre. Hollywood. 73 00:02:28,125 --> 00:02:29,333 Are you ready? 74 00:02:29,333 --> 00:02:31,917 [ Cheers and applause ] 75 00:02:31,917 --> 00:02:34,125 Without any further ado, 76 00:02:34,125 --> 00:02:36,625 please welcome Louis C.K. 77 00:02:36,625 --> 00:02:38,125 Come on. 78 00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:40,333 [ Cheers and applause ] 79 00:02:42,750 --> 00:02:45,000 [ Cheers and applause continues ] 80 00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,458 [ Cheers and applause continues ] 81 00:03:02,333 --> 00:03:05,125 -Thank you. 82 00:03:05,125 --> 00:03:07,167 [ Clears throat ] 83 00:03:07,167 --> 00:03:08,500 All right, hello, there. 84 00:03:08,500 --> 00:03:09,875 -Hey! [ Cheers and applause ] 85 00:03:09,875 --> 00:03:11,333 -[ Laughing ] Hey. 86 00:03:11,333 --> 00:03:13,458 Okay. 87 00:03:13,458 --> 00:03:17,667 All right. I'm gonna talk to you for about an hour. 88 00:03:17,667 --> 00:03:21,750 And it's weird here. It's weird, what I do. 89 00:03:21,750 --> 00:03:24,542 Somebody asked me once if it takes confidence 90 00:03:24,542 --> 00:03:25,875 to -- Nobody asked me, but I just wanted 91 00:03:25,875 --> 00:03:27,000 to talk about this. 92 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:28,250 If it takes... 93 00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:30,833 [ Laughter ] 94 00:03:30,833 --> 00:03:32,875 It does take confidence to do this. 95 00:03:32,875 --> 00:03:37,000 It takes a -- not a general confidence, but a specific kind. 96 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,625 You know? There's lots of kinds of confidence. 97 00:03:39,625 --> 00:03:41,375 There's personal confidence. 98 00:03:41,375 --> 00:03:43,167 I don't have much of that. That's... 99 00:03:43,167 --> 00:03:46,542 Personal confidence is like a man wearing white pants. 100 00:03:46,542 --> 00:03:49,167 That takes, you know... 101 00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:52,292 tremendous confidence 102 00:03:52,292 --> 00:03:54,208 and optimism, really... 103 00:03:54,208 --> 00:03:56,042 [ Laughter ] 104 00:03:56,042 --> 00:03:57,542 ...to leave the house in white pants 105 00:03:57,542 --> 00:04:00,750 like it's gonna be a great day. 106 00:04:00,750 --> 00:04:03,667 There's gonna be no puddles or pizza, nothing. 107 00:04:03,667 --> 00:04:05,125 [ Laughter ] 108 00:04:07,792 --> 00:04:10,000 I could never wear white pants 109 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,750 because I'll get my period, first of all. I know that. 110 00:04:12,750 --> 00:04:16,708 [ Laughter ] 111 00:04:16,708 --> 00:04:19,292 Or diarrhea, more likely. 112 00:04:19,292 --> 00:04:20,750 [ Laughter ] 113 00:04:20,750 --> 00:04:25,042 Which is -- That's really my period. Diarrhea. 114 00:04:25,042 --> 00:04:27,875 About once a month, I'm like, "Oh, fuck, here we go." 115 00:04:27,875 --> 00:04:30,458 [ Laughter ] 116 00:04:30,458 --> 00:04:33,667 "Better just get home. 117 00:04:33,667 --> 00:04:36,417 And don't make any big decisions today." 118 00:04:36,417 --> 00:04:39,042 [ Laughter ] 119 00:04:39,042 --> 00:04:40,792 It's true. Don't make -- 120 00:04:40,792 --> 00:04:44,083 You know, if you have diarrhea, don't, like, negotiate. 121 00:04:44,083 --> 00:04:47,417 It's a bad bargaining position. 122 00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:49,750 If I have diarrhea, you stand between me and the toilet, 123 00:04:49,750 --> 00:04:51,833 I'll sell you my house for 10 cents. 124 00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:53,333 [ Laughter ] 125 00:04:57,667 --> 00:05:01,250 So that's one kind of confidence. 126 00:05:01,250 --> 00:05:03,958 Here's another kind -- moral confidence. 127 00:05:03,958 --> 00:05:05,875 Moral confidence. That means knowing that you would 128 00:05:05,875 --> 00:05:07,292 do the right thing, 129 00:05:07,292 --> 00:05:09,250 knowing that you wouldn't do something wrong. 130 00:05:09,250 --> 00:05:10,500 Moral confidence. 131 00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:11,917 You can have that in your daily life 132 00:05:11,917 --> 00:05:13,542 because a lot of your days are the same. 133 00:05:13,542 --> 00:05:15,917 But what if you were in another time? 134 00:05:15,917 --> 00:05:17,542 Like, I would love to believe, 135 00:05:17,542 --> 00:05:22,000 I feel confident that I would not have had slaves. 136 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:26,333 I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't have done it. 137 00:05:26,333 --> 00:05:29,167 I wouldn't have had any. 138 00:05:29,167 --> 00:05:34,083 Even if I lived in 17-whatever in Virginia 139 00:05:34,083 --> 00:05:35,667 and all my neighbors had slaves, 140 00:05:35,667 --> 00:05:37,750 I would have been like, "You guys are dicks." 141 00:05:37,750 --> 00:05:39,417 [ Laughter ] 142 00:05:41,792 --> 00:05:43,583 I can say that. 143 00:05:43,583 --> 00:05:47,292 But it's easy to say that now because you can't get no slaves. 144 00:05:47,292 --> 00:05:51,583 You just can't -- You can't get any. 145 00:05:51,583 --> 00:05:53,292 That's why you don't have slaves. 146 00:05:53,292 --> 00:05:57,000 It's not because you're better than back-then people. 147 00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:58,667 It's because they're not available. 148 00:05:58,667 --> 00:06:02,958 That's a huge contributing factor. 149 00:06:02,958 --> 00:06:04,708 It's not a decision you need 150 00:06:04,708 --> 00:06:07,250 to make every day, like you're carrying your groceries. 151 00:06:07,250 --> 00:06:09,208 "Ah, fuck. Maybe I should -- No, no, I better not. 152 00:06:09,208 --> 00:06:11,417 But, geez, it would be easier." 153 00:06:11,417 --> 00:06:14,000 [ Laughter ] Because they're not there. 154 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,708 It's not like they have slaves at Home Depot. 155 00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:19,250 I mean, they kind of do, but, yeah... 156 00:06:19,250 --> 00:06:20,417 [ Laughter ] 157 00:06:20,417 --> 00:06:25,375 ...there are some forms 158 00:06:25,375 --> 00:06:27,458 of kind of slavery. 159 00:06:27,458 --> 00:06:29,167 You can get a Russian woman 160 00:06:29,167 --> 00:06:31,167 to do whatever you want because her family's hostage. 161 00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:33,333 That's one of them. 162 00:06:33,333 --> 00:06:34,833 But that's still temporary. 163 00:06:34,833 --> 00:06:36,292 I mean, you could -- You could adopt, like, 164 00:06:36,292 --> 00:06:39,542 a 12-year-old from Bangladesh and... 165 00:06:39,542 --> 00:06:41,333 [ Laughter ] 166 00:06:41,333 --> 00:06:43,250 I mean, really. He'll move into your house 167 00:06:43,250 --> 00:06:46,500 and do your laundry and suck your dick, whatever you want. 168 00:06:46,500 --> 00:06:50,792 But even he gets to leave when he's 18. 169 00:06:50,792 --> 00:06:52,792 [ Laughter ] 170 00:06:52,792 --> 00:06:55,500 Although who wants them when they're that old? 171 00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:58,333 I'm just saying. Excuse me. 172 00:06:58,333 --> 00:07:00,250 I'm just saying... 173 00:07:00,250 --> 00:07:03,875 [ Laughter ] 174 00:07:03,875 --> 00:07:07,667 ...that slavery gets rebranded, 175 00:07:07,667 --> 00:07:10,417 but it doesn't really ever totally go away. 176 00:07:10,417 --> 00:07:14,500 I mean, it's been part of human history going way back, 177 00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:16,083 way back, slavery. 178 00:07:16,083 --> 00:07:19,250 Even the earliest civilizations in Mesopotamia... 179 00:07:19,250 --> 00:07:20,583 I don't know. I didn't go to college. 180 00:07:20,583 --> 00:07:22,208 I don't know anything. 181 00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:24,917 But the earliest images of human life 182 00:07:24,917 --> 00:07:27,000 already had the guys going, "Uhh!" 183 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,125 and the guy going, "Ahh! 184 00:07:28,125 --> 00:07:30,958 [ Muttering ]" 185 00:07:30,958 --> 00:07:34,417 How early did we come up with this? 186 00:07:34,417 --> 00:07:37,000 Like, from the beginning of human existence, 187 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,333 we evolved, you know, through ideas. 188 00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:43,583 We were a scared, naked ape, and then we were like, 189 00:07:43,583 --> 00:07:47,042 "Make a fire. That's a good idea. 190 00:07:47,042 --> 00:07:48,917 Kill an animal and take his fur. 191 00:07:48,917 --> 00:07:51,042 That's a good idea. 192 00:07:51,042 --> 00:07:53,625 Plant things and then wait. 193 00:07:53,625 --> 00:07:55,667 That's a good idea." 194 00:07:55,667 --> 00:07:57,500 But really quickly we came up with, 195 00:07:57,500 --> 00:08:01,125 "Just make them fucking do it. I'm not doing anything. 196 00:08:01,125 --> 00:08:04,875 I'm doing nothing. Make them fucking do it." 197 00:08:04,875 --> 00:08:07,792 [ Laughter ] 198 00:08:07,792 --> 00:08:10,958 That was, like, our third thing we did on Earth. 199 00:08:10,958 --> 00:08:12,500 [ Laughter ] 200 00:08:15,958 --> 00:08:17,292 So, you can have confidence, 201 00:08:17,292 --> 00:08:19,792 but you got to be a little, you know. 202 00:08:19,792 --> 00:08:21,833 I mean, there's things that people did in history that I 203 00:08:21,833 --> 00:08:23,708 wouldn't have done for sure. 204 00:08:23,708 --> 00:08:25,833 Like, I wouldn't have made an Auschwitz. 205 00:08:25,833 --> 00:08:27,875 I wouldn't have done that. 206 00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:29,750 What am I gonna do with an Auschwitz? 207 00:08:29,750 --> 00:08:31,667 [ Laughter ] 208 00:08:31,667 --> 00:08:33,833 Yeah, Auschwitz is not one of those where you're like, 209 00:08:33,833 --> 00:08:37,042 "It was the times, you know?" It was... 210 00:08:37,042 --> 00:08:39,458 [ Laughter ] 211 00:08:39,458 --> 00:08:40,667 It was a horrible thing. 212 00:08:40,667 --> 00:08:42,250 Obviously, Auschwitz -- horrible. 213 00:08:42,250 --> 00:08:43,792 They killed people. They killed children. 214 00:08:43,792 --> 00:08:45,333 They killed little children in Auschwitz 215 00:08:45,333 --> 00:08:47,167 who could have grown up and moved to Brooklyn 216 00:08:47,167 --> 00:08:49,792 and hated black people, and they didn't get to do that. 217 00:08:49,792 --> 00:08:51,708 [ Laughter ] 218 00:08:51,708 --> 00:08:53,833 It's terrible. I know. 219 00:08:57,750 --> 00:08:59,708 I had a friend who's a comedian in England, 220 00:08:59,708 --> 00:09:02,125 and he made a joke about Auschwitz. 221 00:09:02,125 --> 00:09:03,542 And he got in a lot of trouble. 222 00:09:03,542 --> 00:09:05,208 It was a big shitstorm. 223 00:09:05,208 --> 00:09:07,958 And at one point, Auschwitz tweeted... 224 00:09:07,958 --> 00:09:09,542 [ Laughter ] 225 00:09:09,542 --> 00:09:11,208 ...about his joke. 226 00:09:11,208 --> 00:09:15,125 It's true. It said, "Auschwitz" with a blue check. 227 00:09:15,125 --> 00:09:17,667 So it was like, "Oh, cool. It's really them," you know? 228 00:09:17,667 --> 00:09:20,500 [ Laughter ] 229 00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:23,208 And they tweeted like, "That's not funny." 230 00:09:23,208 --> 00:09:26,208 [ Laughter ] 231 00:09:26,208 --> 00:09:29,833 Why is the death camp tweeting? 232 00:09:29,833 --> 00:09:31,417 [ Laughter ] 233 00:09:35,083 --> 00:09:39,708 Who's running the social accounts at Auschwitz? 234 00:09:39,708 --> 00:09:43,958 "I got a summer job at Auschwitz. 235 00:09:43,958 --> 00:09:45,667 I'm running their Twitter." 236 00:09:45,667 --> 00:09:48,167 [ Laughter ] 237 00:09:51,417 --> 00:09:53,083 Moral confidence. 238 00:09:53,083 --> 00:09:55,583 There's other ways to boost your moral confidence. 239 00:09:55,583 --> 00:09:58,750 Like, you can do good things. 240 00:09:58,750 --> 00:10:01,333 Or, you know -- or not. 241 00:10:01,333 --> 00:10:04,167 You can... [ Laughter ] 242 00:10:04,167 --> 00:10:05,583 You can help people all the time. 243 00:10:05,583 --> 00:10:06,875 You can help homeless people. 244 00:10:06,875 --> 00:10:08,292 There's a lot of homeless people here. 245 00:10:08,292 --> 00:10:10,958 There's a shitload of homeless people here. 246 00:10:10,958 --> 00:10:12,167 I mean, not in here. 247 00:10:12,167 --> 00:10:13,542 There's none in here. 248 00:10:13,542 --> 00:10:15,500 [ Laughs ] 249 00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:18,958 There's zero in here. 250 00:10:18,958 --> 00:10:21,250 That's right. 251 00:10:21,250 --> 00:10:22,833 They can't come in here. 252 00:10:22,833 --> 00:10:24,292 [ Laughter ] 253 00:10:24,292 --> 00:10:29,000 Even with a ticket, they cannot come in here. 254 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:33,833 They're not allowed in the places where we're allowed. 255 00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:36,542 That's what we all agree on. 256 00:10:36,542 --> 00:10:39,042 Everybody is like, "I don't know what to do about the homeless, 257 00:10:39,042 --> 00:10:41,792 but they're not coming in here. They're not coming in here. 258 00:10:41,792 --> 00:10:44,667 They're outdoor people. They don't have..." 259 00:10:44,667 --> 00:10:46,167 [ Laughter ] 260 00:10:46,167 --> 00:10:47,542 If you don't have your own indoors, 261 00:10:47,542 --> 00:10:49,667 you can't go in other people's indoors. 262 00:10:49,667 --> 00:10:51,333 [ Laughter ] 263 00:10:55,125 --> 00:10:58,792 They can't go where we go. 264 00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:01,042 There's places where you'll never see a homeless person, 265 00:11:01,042 --> 00:11:02,500 like the airport. 266 00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:04,292 There's no homeless people at the airport. 267 00:11:04,292 --> 00:11:08,500 You go to the bus station, they're on the bus beside you. 268 00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:12,667 But at the airport, they can't even get to it. 269 00:11:12,667 --> 00:11:16,167 They can't even get to it. 270 00:11:16,167 --> 00:11:18,125 You've never seen a homeless person in the airport. 271 00:11:18,125 --> 00:11:23,750 You've never been at your gate, and some guy's like, "Hey, man. 272 00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:26,750 Trying to get to Tokyo. Can you help me out? 273 00:11:26,750 --> 00:11:28,375 [ Laughter ] 274 00:11:31,208 --> 00:11:33,458 Can you give me an aisle seat, brother?" 275 00:11:33,458 --> 00:11:35,292 [ Laughter ] 276 00:11:37,750 --> 00:11:40,667 And they're all over the country. Everywhere now. 277 00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:42,500 I've been on tour. I've seen them everywhere. 278 00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:46,542 I was in Phoenix, and it was during the summer. 120 degrees. 279 00:11:46,542 --> 00:11:49,500 And homeless people are just standing at the intersection 280 00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:51,500 with a sign, and they're just [Imitates sizzling] 281 00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:53,583 They're just cooking. 282 00:11:53,583 --> 00:11:57,167 You can't even tell what race he was before it burnt off. 283 00:11:57,167 --> 00:12:00,042 [ Laughter ] 284 00:12:00,042 --> 00:12:03,833 And he's holding a sign that says, "Help. I'm on fire." 285 00:12:03,833 --> 00:12:07,250 [ Laughter ] 286 00:12:07,250 --> 00:12:09,292 But you, you're, like -- You're in a white BMW, 287 00:12:09,292 --> 00:12:11,792 like, "I-I... I can't. 288 00:12:11,792 --> 00:12:14,458 Sorry. There's glass here. 289 00:12:14,458 --> 00:12:17,000 I can't help because of the glass." 290 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,125 [ Laughter ] 291 00:12:24,250 --> 00:12:25,875 And even here, you drive by them. 292 00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:27,208 In New York, you walk right by them. 293 00:12:27,208 --> 00:12:28,792 So in New York, they're right there. 294 00:12:28,792 --> 00:12:30,292 They're in your space, they're in your world. 295 00:12:30,292 --> 00:12:31,875 And you got to make a choice. 296 00:12:31,875 --> 00:12:33,500 Every couple of blocks, you got to make a choice. 297 00:12:33,500 --> 00:12:35,625 You can help or not. You got to keep shooting it. 298 00:12:35,625 --> 00:12:37,583 You got to put a limit on it somewhere because you're 299 00:12:37,583 --> 00:12:39,750 not gonna help all of them and you're not gonna help 300 00:12:39,750 --> 00:12:42,458 any of them, really... 301 00:12:42,458 --> 00:12:44,417 with a few bucks. 302 00:12:44,417 --> 00:12:45,917 But there's always that -- 303 00:12:45,917 --> 00:12:47,417 Like, there's a homeless guy who lives -- 304 00:12:47,417 --> 00:12:50,417 He doesn't live anywhere, but, I mean, he's... 305 00:12:50,417 --> 00:12:52,875 By definition, he's at large. 306 00:12:52,875 --> 00:12:54,542 [ Laughter ] 307 00:12:54,542 --> 00:12:57,667 But he's often seen. 308 00:12:57,667 --> 00:13:00,375 [ Laughter ] 309 00:13:00,375 --> 00:13:02,083 He's always on the corner by my house. 310 00:13:02,083 --> 00:13:04,167 Same guy every day. 311 00:13:04,167 --> 00:13:05,583 And I walk past him every day 312 00:13:05,583 --> 00:13:07,083 on the way to the store. 313 00:13:07,083 --> 00:13:08,875 I go to the same store every day. 314 00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:10,958 I go to Claire's. I don't know if you know Claire's. 315 00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:13,000 It's a jewelry store for children. 316 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:14,167 [ Laughter ] 317 00:13:14,167 --> 00:13:16,625 I go there every day. 318 00:13:16,625 --> 00:13:21,042 I buy a handful of scrunchies, and I run home. 319 00:13:21,042 --> 00:13:22,750 Everything else, I buy online. 320 00:13:22,750 --> 00:13:24,625 [ Laughter ] 321 00:13:26,792 --> 00:13:28,250 Anyway, when I walk by this homeless guy 322 00:13:28,250 --> 00:13:30,500 in the morning, he always goes, 323 00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:34,167 "Hey, man, can you help me out?" 324 00:13:34,167 --> 00:13:35,625 And I go, "Sure." 325 00:13:35,625 --> 00:13:37,625 I give him 5 bucks, and I go to the store. 326 00:13:37,625 --> 00:13:39,625 Five minutes later, I walk by, and he says, 327 00:13:39,625 --> 00:13:41,583 "Hey, man. Can I --" 328 00:13:41,583 --> 00:13:44,167 He doesn't remember, which is fine, 329 00:13:44,167 --> 00:13:49,333 but I don't want to give him another 5 bucks, you know, 330 00:13:49,333 --> 00:13:51,208 because I only have a few million. 331 00:13:51,208 --> 00:13:53,000 I don't know why. I don't know why. 332 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,667 I clearly should. [ Laughter ] 333 00:13:55,667 --> 00:13:59,750 I don't know what makes me go, "Mm-hmm-hmm. 334 00:13:59,750 --> 00:14:03,250 You had your $5, young man." 335 00:14:03,250 --> 00:14:04,833 [ Laughter ] 336 00:14:07,333 --> 00:14:09,208 What? Am I gonna spoil him? 337 00:14:09,208 --> 00:14:11,167 [ Laughter ] 338 00:14:16,167 --> 00:14:19,000 You know what I was thinking about today? 339 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,250 I was thinking about Jesus. 340 00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:23,583 [ Laughter ] 341 00:14:23,583 --> 00:14:26,667 I was. Today. 342 00:14:26,667 --> 00:14:28,333 I was thinking about Jesus. 343 00:14:28,333 --> 00:14:30,625 And after I came... 344 00:14:30,625 --> 00:14:32,833 [ Laughter ] ...I... 345 00:14:36,875 --> 00:14:39,542 I thought, 346 00:14:39,542 --> 00:14:42,750 "Well, I feel sorry for Jesus." That's how I feel. 347 00:14:42,750 --> 00:14:44,125 I don't know how much you know about Jesus, 348 00:14:44,125 --> 00:14:47,042 but I feel fucking bad for Jesus, man. 349 00:14:47,042 --> 00:14:48,875 I do. He had a hard life. 350 00:14:48,875 --> 00:14:50,833 I mean, the last day was particularly difficult, but... 351 00:14:50,833 --> 00:14:53,250 [ Laughter ] 352 00:14:53,250 --> 00:14:54,542 If you look at pictures of him, 353 00:14:54,542 --> 00:14:56,125 he had to wear that -- that thong, 354 00:14:56,125 --> 00:15:00,625 that fucking just dishrag yanked up his balls. 355 00:15:00,625 --> 00:15:04,125 Just [Groans] 356 00:15:04,125 --> 00:15:06,250 carrying his cross like, "Fuck. 357 00:15:06,250 --> 00:15:08,125 It's the rash." 358 00:15:08,125 --> 00:15:10,125 [ Laughter ] 359 00:15:10,125 --> 00:15:12,208 Some people say you should live like Jesus. 360 00:15:12,208 --> 00:15:13,708 Who can live -- He was insane. 361 00:15:13,708 --> 00:15:15,917 [ Muttering ] 362 00:15:15,917 --> 00:15:19,000 You can't live like that. 363 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:20,625 He had a weird life. I'm reading about Jesus. 364 00:15:20,625 --> 00:15:22,792 I have this book about Jesus. 365 00:15:22,792 --> 00:15:24,125 [ Laughter ] 366 00:15:24,125 --> 00:15:25,708 I'm gonna share it with you. 367 00:15:25,708 --> 00:15:27,958 [ Cheers and applause ] 368 00:15:31,750 --> 00:15:34,208 Okay. 369 00:15:34,208 --> 00:15:37,583 This is a book about Jesus. 370 00:15:37,583 --> 00:15:41,292 Actually, only this much is about Jesus. 371 00:15:41,292 --> 00:15:44,000 Only that -- just that part. 372 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:47,417 The rest of it is just the Jews going like, "And then we 373 00:15:47,417 --> 00:15:51,417 walked for 50 years in the desert. 374 00:15:51,417 --> 00:15:53,708 And we only had a little bit of oil. 375 00:15:53,708 --> 00:15:56,250 It was difficult." It's just... 376 00:15:56,250 --> 00:15:59,333 It's fucking verbose. 377 00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:01,458 Just Jews. 378 00:16:01,458 --> 00:16:04,500 It just goes on and on. 379 00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:09,458 "And then Jacob bought a goat, and... 380 00:16:09,458 --> 00:16:11,500 [ Laughter ] 381 00:16:11,500 --> 00:16:14,625 And Abraham lived to be 800." 382 00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:17,375 Yeah, I bet he fucking did, too. 383 00:16:17,375 --> 00:16:19,167 [ Laughter ] 384 00:16:22,875 --> 00:16:26,625 The Jews in the early chapters are all, like, 800 years old. 385 00:16:26,625 --> 00:16:28,083 And then God was like, 386 00:16:28,083 --> 00:16:32,458 "I can't with these fucking Jews for 800 years. 387 00:16:32,458 --> 00:16:34,625 Heart disease starts today." 388 00:16:34,625 --> 00:16:36,583 [ Laughter ] 389 00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:42,583 So that's them. 390 00:16:42,583 --> 00:16:44,375 And that's Jesus. 391 00:16:44,375 --> 00:16:45,750 This little part's Jesus. 392 00:16:45,750 --> 00:16:47,458 And the weird part is, it's not all -- 393 00:16:47,458 --> 00:16:50,375 Like, it's all the same story over and over again. 394 00:16:50,375 --> 00:16:52,042 They tell the same story about Jesus' life over. 395 00:16:52,042 --> 00:16:55,375 First Matthew tells it, and then Mark is like, 396 00:16:55,375 --> 00:16:58,250 "Dude, that's not what -- You're fucking drunk. 397 00:16:58,250 --> 00:16:59,750 Here's what happened. 398 00:16:59,750 --> 00:17:02,500 [ Laughter ] I'll tell you what happened. 399 00:17:02,500 --> 00:17:04,792 Hey, Paul. You weren't even here. Shut the fuck up." 400 00:17:04,792 --> 00:17:07,833 [ Laughter ] 401 00:17:07,833 --> 00:17:09,750 And I started reading it because I never read it. 402 00:17:09,750 --> 00:17:11,333 I was raised Catholic. 403 00:17:11,333 --> 00:17:13,542 But they don't encourage you to read, the church. 404 00:17:13,542 --> 00:17:15,958 They don't. They don't want you to read this. 405 00:17:15,958 --> 00:17:19,417 You know? Jews read this shit in Hebrew, and Baptists 406 00:17:19,417 --> 00:17:21,000 sit down, and they read together. 407 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:22,917 But the Catholics, they want you to come in the building. 408 00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:25,042 They want you to come in, and they tell you. 409 00:17:25,042 --> 00:17:26,625 And you're like, "Can I read it?" 410 00:17:26,625 --> 00:17:28,542 They're like, "No, I'll tell you what happened. 411 00:17:28,542 --> 00:17:30,667 Sorry. Put the book down." 412 00:17:30,667 --> 00:17:33,375 [ Laughter ] 413 00:17:33,375 --> 00:17:35,458 But it's interesting because when you read the stories, 414 00:17:35,458 --> 00:17:38,125 you know, you think of them as lofty, kind of, like, 415 00:17:38,125 --> 00:17:43,000 but some of them are just basic life in Jesus' life. 416 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:44,667 Okay, here's one. 417 00:17:44,667 --> 00:17:48,042 This is when he turned water into wine. 418 00:17:48,042 --> 00:17:50,917 This is his first miracle. This is John Chapter 2. 419 00:17:50,917 --> 00:17:52,875 Okay? Okay. 420 00:17:52,875 --> 00:17:54,875 "And on the third day, 421 00:17:54,875 --> 00:17:58,417 there was a wedding in Cana of Galilee, 422 00:17:58,417 --> 00:18:01,000 and the mother of Jesus was there. 423 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:05,667 And both Jesus was called and his disciples to the wedding. 424 00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:07,750 And when they wanted wine, 425 00:18:07,750 --> 00:18:10,417 the mother of Jesus saith unto him, 426 00:18:10,417 --> 00:18:12,625 'They have no wine here.' 427 00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:14,375 [ Laughter ] 428 00:18:19,125 --> 00:18:22,083 And Jesus saith unto her, "Woman, 429 00:18:22,083 --> 00:18:24,333 What have I to do with thee?" 430 00:18:24,333 --> 00:18:26,917 [ Laughter ] 431 00:18:28,917 --> 00:18:31,750 Just life. Mary was a fucking alcoholic. 432 00:18:31,750 --> 00:18:34,250 [ Laughter ] He took her to a wedding. 433 00:18:34,250 --> 00:18:37,583 "There's no fucking wine, Jesus! 434 00:18:37,583 --> 00:18:40,833 What am I supposed to do here without wine?!" 435 00:18:40,833 --> 00:18:43,000 [ Laughter ] 436 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:46,833 And he's like, "Mom! 437 00:18:46,833 --> 00:18:48,625 Don't!" 438 00:18:48,625 --> 00:18:50,667 [ Laughter ] 439 00:18:54,375 --> 00:18:57,875 Anyway, you know, the rest of the story is that Jesus, 440 00:18:57,875 --> 00:18:59,708 he's at the wedding. They had no wine. The guy -- 441 00:18:59,708 --> 00:19:01,750 So Jesus went to the guy running the wedding, and he was like, 442 00:19:01,750 --> 00:19:05,167 "Look in the water barrel." Like that. 443 00:19:05,167 --> 00:19:07,542 Like a closeup magician. "Why don't you take a look?" 444 00:19:07,542 --> 00:19:09,208 [ Laughter ] 445 00:19:09,208 --> 00:19:10,792 "Maybe it's not the Red Queen. Go ahead. 446 00:19:10,792 --> 00:19:13,792 Flip that card over. What do you think?" 447 00:19:13,792 --> 00:19:15,125 Told him to look in the water barrel, 448 00:19:15,125 --> 00:19:16,958 and he looked, and it was wine. 449 00:19:16,958 --> 00:19:20,458 He had turned all their water into wine. Everybody rejoiced. 450 00:19:20,458 --> 00:19:21,792 Except the guy running the wedding was 451 00:19:21,792 --> 00:19:25,167 probably like, "We did need some water." 452 00:19:25,167 --> 00:19:28,375 [ Laughter ] 453 00:19:28,375 --> 00:19:30,167 "It's actually a bigger problem." 454 00:19:30,167 --> 00:19:33,500 [ Laughter ] 455 00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:35,208 I have a feeling a lot of his miracles 456 00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:38,125 were met with mixed... 457 00:19:38,125 --> 00:19:40,083 Like, "Oh. Thanks. 458 00:19:40,083 --> 00:19:42,000 That's great, Jesus. 459 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,083 Fuck." 460 00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:45,750 [ Laughter ] 461 00:19:45,750 --> 00:19:49,500 Like, Lazarus. Lazarus had been dead for four days, 462 00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:51,125 and Jesus comes to town, and he says, 463 00:19:51,125 --> 00:19:53,792 "Lazarus, rise," 464 00:19:53,792 --> 00:19:59,208 and Lazarus comes out of the tomb like [Groans, coughs] 465 00:19:59,208 --> 00:20:00,708 And Lazarus' wife is like, 466 00:20:00,708 --> 00:20:03,333 "Are you fucking kidding me right now?" 467 00:20:03,333 --> 00:20:05,042 [ Laughter ] 468 00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:10,333 But so, here's a story that I want you to -- 469 00:20:10,333 --> 00:20:12,042 I want to read to you. 470 00:20:12,042 --> 00:20:16,083 This story, I've never seen it in a Jesus movie. 471 00:20:16,083 --> 00:20:19,250 This story is not in any movies about Jesus. 472 00:20:19,250 --> 00:20:20,958 And it's not -- 473 00:20:20,958 --> 00:20:23,458 I never -- I never -- Until I sat and read this, 474 00:20:23,458 --> 00:20:25,375 I never heard this story... 475 00:20:25,375 --> 00:20:27,875 'cause it's weird. 476 00:20:27,875 --> 00:20:32,208 This is the story of Jesus cursing a fig tree. 477 00:20:32,208 --> 00:20:34,292 Does anybody by applause know of this story? 478 00:20:34,292 --> 00:20:35,875 [ Light applause ] Okay. 479 00:20:35,875 --> 00:20:38,542 That's just enough to make it clear this is true. 480 00:20:38,542 --> 00:20:40,333 I mean, it's not -- Nothing's true in here. 481 00:20:40,333 --> 00:20:41,417 But... 482 00:20:41,417 --> 00:20:43,250 I'm just kidding. 483 00:20:43,250 --> 00:20:45,375 I'm just kidding. I don't fucking know. 484 00:20:45,375 --> 00:20:47,625 What do I know? I wasn't there. 485 00:20:47,625 --> 00:20:50,833 I'm just trying to make it clear 486 00:20:50,833 --> 00:20:53,000 that I didn't make it up. 487 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,083 [ Laughter ] 488 00:20:54,083 --> 00:20:55,500 They did. 489 00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:58,708 But, anyway, all right, I don't know. 490 00:20:58,708 --> 00:21:01,708 Okay, here's the story. 491 00:21:01,708 --> 00:21:04,167 This is Mark Chapter 11. 492 00:21:04,167 --> 00:21:06,750 It's when Mark went broke. 493 00:21:06,750 --> 00:21:08,708 [ Laughter ] 494 00:21:12,083 --> 00:21:15,083 Okay. 495 00:21:15,083 --> 00:21:18,167 "And Jesus entered into Jerusalem. 496 00:21:18,167 --> 00:21:22,583 And when he had looked around about and seen all things 497 00:21:22,583 --> 00:21:24,917 and the eventide was come, 498 00:21:24,917 --> 00:21:27,750 he went out unto Bethany with the 12." 499 00:21:27,750 --> 00:21:31,417 Bethany was like a -- like a suburb of Jerusalem. 500 00:21:31,417 --> 00:21:33,458 So he went in Jerusalem. You know, you see all the shit 501 00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:36,792 downtown, but you don't stay downtown. 502 00:21:36,792 --> 00:21:39,083 You go to the Marriott by the airport, you know? 503 00:21:39,083 --> 00:21:41,833 That's what Bethany was. 504 00:21:41,833 --> 00:21:43,458 Okay? 505 00:21:43,458 --> 00:21:47,500 "And on the morrow when they'd come from Bethany, 506 00:21:47,500 --> 00:21:51,583 Jesus was hungry, and seeing a fig tree 507 00:21:51,583 --> 00:21:53,792 afar off having leaves, 508 00:21:53,792 --> 00:21:59,417 he came to it, if haply he might find anything thereon. 509 00:21:59,417 --> 00:22:00,917 But when he came to the tree, 510 00:22:00,917 --> 00:22:03,125 he found nothing but leaves, 511 00:22:03,125 --> 00:22:06,583 for the time of figs was not yet. 512 00:22:06,583 --> 00:22:09,375 [ Laughter ] 513 00:22:09,375 --> 00:22:12,792 And Jesus answered and saith unto the tree, 514 00:22:12,792 --> 00:22:16,792 'No man shall eat fruit of thee hereafter 515 00:22:16,792 --> 00:22:18,833 and forever.' 516 00:22:18,833 --> 00:22:22,792 [ Laughter ] 517 00:22:22,792 --> 00:22:25,708 And the disciples heard it. 518 00:22:25,708 --> 00:22:27,417 And in the morning when they passed by, 519 00:22:27,417 --> 00:22:32,833 they saw the fig tree dried up from the roots and dead. 520 00:22:32,833 --> 00:22:34,708 And Peter, calling to remembrance, 521 00:22:34,708 --> 00:22:37,667 saith unto him, 'Master, behold the fig tree 522 00:22:37,667 --> 00:22:40,000 which thou dost cursedst 523 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:43,083 has withered away and died.' 524 00:22:43,083 --> 00:22:45,708 And Jesus answered and saith unto them, 525 00:22:45,708 --> 00:22:47,958 'Have faith in God.'" 526 00:22:47,958 --> 00:22:49,708 [ Laughter ] 527 00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:58,125 What the fuck kind of a Jesus story is that? 528 00:22:58,125 --> 00:23:01,292 [ Laughter ] 529 00:23:01,292 --> 00:23:02,833 "Hey, Jesus. You killed the tree." 530 00:23:02,833 --> 00:23:05,375 "That's right, motherfucker." 531 00:23:05,375 --> 00:23:07,292 [ Laughter ] 532 00:23:09,917 --> 00:23:12,208 What's the fucking point to this story? 533 00:23:12,208 --> 00:23:15,958 What is the moral? 534 00:23:15,958 --> 00:23:17,958 Jesus just killed a tree. He was hungry. 535 00:23:17,958 --> 00:23:20,333 He was fucking cranky. 536 00:23:20,333 --> 00:23:22,875 He was like, "There's no figs? Fuck you, tree. 537 00:23:22,875 --> 00:23:24,750 You're fucking dead, you piece of shit. 538 00:23:24,750 --> 00:23:30,333 I wanted a fig. You're fucking dead. Watch this." 539 00:23:30,333 --> 00:23:32,875 And the tree's like, "But the time of figs is not yet. 540 00:23:32,875 --> 00:23:35,250 I just -- It's just not yet. 541 00:23:35,250 --> 00:23:37,583 I need another week. 542 00:23:37,583 --> 00:23:39,208 You want fruit out of season, 543 00:23:39,208 --> 00:23:41,000 go to Whole Foods, you fucking Jew. 544 00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:42,917 I didn't do anything." 545 00:23:42,917 --> 00:23:45,667 [ Laughter, applause ] 546 00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:55,750 You can't act like that, man. 547 00:23:55,750 --> 00:23:58,500 You can't act like that. 548 00:23:58,500 --> 00:24:00,250 You walk around acting like that, 549 00:24:00,250 --> 00:24:03,458 folks will nail you to a cross. That's what they'll do. 550 00:24:03,458 --> 00:24:04,875 They will. 551 00:24:04,875 --> 00:24:06,875 You got to fucking cool it, Jesus. 552 00:24:06,875 --> 00:24:09,417 [ Laughter ] 553 00:24:09,417 --> 00:24:12,333 He got a little, you know. 554 00:24:12,333 --> 00:24:14,333 That's really what happened. 555 00:24:14,333 --> 00:24:16,500 He got a little shitty. 556 00:24:16,500 --> 00:24:18,250 A little big, you know. He went to Jerusalem. 557 00:24:18,250 --> 00:24:22,417 That's a big town for a boy from Galilee. 558 00:24:22,417 --> 00:24:23,917 And he didn't just walk into Jerusalem. 559 00:24:23,917 --> 00:24:25,458 He walked in, and his friends were like, 560 00:24:25,458 --> 00:24:27,625 "King of the Jews, y'all! 561 00:24:27,625 --> 00:24:30,958 King of the motherfucking Jews!" 562 00:24:30,958 --> 00:24:33,500 [ Laughter ] 563 00:24:33,500 --> 00:24:35,583 The Jews didn't like that. 564 00:24:35,583 --> 00:24:38,542 The Jews were like, "Not my president. Whatever," you know. 565 00:24:38,542 --> 00:24:40,917 [ Laughter ] 566 00:24:43,667 --> 00:24:45,792 So they nailed him to a cross. 567 00:24:45,792 --> 00:24:47,917 This is what they did. And this -- 568 00:24:47,917 --> 00:24:50,583 The weirdest thing to me about Catholicism 569 00:24:50,583 --> 00:24:52,875 and all Christianity is, this image -- 570 00:24:52,875 --> 00:24:55,542 This image is the image 571 00:24:55,542 --> 00:24:57,542 of the biggest, most powerful religion. 572 00:24:57,542 --> 00:24:59,083 The cleanest religion. 573 00:24:59,083 --> 00:25:01,875 And it's a fucking dead guy 574 00:25:01,875 --> 00:25:06,167 with nails just, ugh, just blood. 575 00:25:06,167 --> 00:25:10,958 And it's in every polite room in the world. 576 00:25:10,958 --> 00:25:15,750 Every nice, quiet place, there's a fucking Jesus. 577 00:25:15,750 --> 00:25:18,667 And the president and his wife, and they wear pearls, 578 00:25:18,667 --> 00:25:21,042 and then we always go to look at the fucking... 579 00:25:21,042 --> 00:25:25,542 It's just weird 'cause it promotes nicely ideas, like 580 00:25:25,542 --> 00:25:27,542 honor thy mother and thy father, 581 00:25:27,542 --> 00:25:29,083 'cause they die! 582 00:25:29,083 --> 00:25:30,583 Aah! 583 00:25:30,583 --> 00:25:33,292 It's just macabre. 584 00:25:33,292 --> 00:25:35,125 [ Laughter ] 585 00:25:37,458 --> 00:25:40,833 But I love it. I love the image. I love it. 586 00:25:40,833 --> 00:25:42,333 I was raised Catholic my whole life. 587 00:25:42,333 --> 00:25:45,583 I loved this image. I'd stare at it. 588 00:25:45,583 --> 00:25:47,292 Every time I go by a church, if it's open, I go in 589 00:25:47,292 --> 00:25:49,542 'cause I want to see their Jesus. 590 00:25:49,542 --> 00:25:52,583 They all have a different Jesus. They're a little different. 591 00:25:52,583 --> 00:25:55,042 Some of them, he's really suffering. 592 00:25:55,042 --> 00:25:56,708 And some of them, he's just like, "[Clicks tongue] 593 00:25:56,708 --> 00:25:57,792 Oh, well. 594 00:25:57,792 --> 00:26:00,000 [ Chuckles ] 595 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:03,250 I really got myself in a noodle this time, boy." 596 00:26:03,250 --> 00:26:05,375 [ Laughter ] 597 00:26:08,417 --> 00:26:09,917 Sometimes there's just a cross, 598 00:26:09,917 --> 00:26:13,375 like, "Oh, fuck. Where'd he go? 599 00:26:13,375 --> 00:26:15,000 Jesus got away." 600 00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:18,042 [ Laughter ] 601 00:26:18,042 --> 00:26:20,042 But they're all different. 602 00:26:20,042 --> 00:26:24,250 I was in a Korean church, and I saw a Korean Jesus. 603 00:26:24,250 --> 00:26:26,583 They had a Korean Jesus with the... 604 00:26:26,583 --> 00:26:28,042 [ Laughter ] 605 00:26:28,042 --> 00:26:31,125 Don't get mad. How else would I know? 606 00:26:31,125 --> 00:26:33,333 It was just -- They were cringes. 607 00:26:33,333 --> 00:26:37,042 Uhh! Whatever. Whatever. 608 00:26:37,042 --> 00:26:40,167 [ Laughter ] 609 00:26:40,167 --> 00:26:41,750 Jesus looks different everywhere. 610 00:26:41,750 --> 00:26:44,542 Mostly Jesus has blond hair and blue eyes, 611 00:26:44,542 --> 00:26:46,750 which we know he didn't have, but that's who won everything, 612 00:26:46,750 --> 00:26:49,417 so they get to draw him. 613 00:26:49,417 --> 00:26:51,125 The truth is, Jesus was black. 614 00:26:51,125 --> 00:26:53,292 But you don't see that often, black Jesus. 615 00:26:53,292 --> 00:26:54,833 "Hey, man. Get me the fuck down from here." 616 00:26:54,833 --> 00:26:56,375 Whatever, all right. 617 00:26:56,375 --> 00:26:57,750 [ Laughter ] 618 00:27:00,583 --> 00:27:02,583 But everybody wants Jesus to look like them, 619 00:27:02,583 --> 00:27:04,458 so they make him -- They draw him to look like them. 620 00:27:04,458 --> 00:27:07,833 That's why I don't like that he's always skinny. 621 00:27:07,833 --> 00:27:10,250 Jesus is always rail thin, just fucking "Mm!" 622 00:27:10,250 --> 00:27:14,125 "I've been doing Pilates for months getting ready for this." 623 00:27:14,125 --> 00:27:17,292 It's not fair. You never see a fat Jesus. 624 00:27:17,292 --> 00:27:20,500 I never one time saw, like, just a fat Jesus... 625 00:27:20,500 --> 00:27:23,958 [ Laughter ] 626 00:27:23,958 --> 00:27:26,458 ...with, like, ten nails in each hand. 627 00:27:26,458 --> 00:27:28,458 [ Laughter ] 628 00:27:35,667 --> 00:27:38,542 He might have been fat. We don't know. 629 00:27:38,542 --> 00:27:40,792 I'll tell you what Jesus was not, 630 00:27:40,792 --> 00:27:42,500 is Korean. 631 00:27:42,500 --> 00:27:44,333 [ Laughter ] 632 00:27:48,458 --> 00:27:54,208 There's no Koreans in Jerusalem in the year one. 633 00:27:54,208 --> 00:27:56,250 [ Laughter ] 634 00:27:58,333 --> 00:28:01,667 But I was raised Catholic, and I ended up walking away from that 635 00:28:01,667 --> 00:28:03,625 'cause I didn't like it. You know why? 636 00:28:03,625 --> 00:28:05,333 'Cause they tell you you're going to hell. 637 00:28:05,333 --> 00:28:07,292 And they tell little kids that. 638 00:28:07,292 --> 00:28:08,958 You're 5 years old, 639 00:28:08,958 --> 00:28:10,500 and the church, with all its majesty 640 00:28:10,500 --> 00:28:12,708 and all the buildings and the clothes, 641 00:28:12,708 --> 00:28:14,292 they go up to a 5-year-old, and they're like, 642 00:28:14,292 --> 00:28:16,792 "Oh, you're going to hell. 643 00:28:16,792 --> 00:28:19,167 Oh, yeah. 644 00:28:19,167 --> 00:28:22,167 You're going right to hell." 645 00:28:22,167 --> 00:28:25,208 And you're 5, and you're like, "What did I do?" 646 00:28:25,208 --> 00:28:26,792 And the church is like, 647 00:28:26,792 --> 00:28:30,042 "You know what you did, you piece of shit." 648 00:28:30,042 --> 00:28:32,917 [ Laughter ] 649 00:28:32,917 --> 00:28:34,833 And you're going to full hell, too. 650 00:28:34,833 --> 00:28:37,167 There's no kids' hell, you understand? 651 00:28:37,167 --> 00:28:40,083 You're going right to the show. 652 00:28:40,083 --> 00:28:42,917 If you're 5 years old, you steal a crayon from your sister, 653 00:28:42,917 --> 00:28:45,500 and then you lie about it, you get hit by a truck, 654 00:28:45,500 --> 00:28:47,042 you're roommates with Hitler. 655 00:28:47,042 --> 00:28:50,708 There's no difference. There's no difference. 656 00:28:50,708 --> 00:28:53,125 They take you in a room, and they're pouring hot lead 657 00:28:53,125 --> 00:28:54,292 into Hitler's asshole. 658 00:28:54,292 --> 00:28:56,167 He's like, "Aaaahhh!" 659 00:28:56,167 --> 00:28:59,792 Nein!" 660 00:28:59,792 --> 00:29:01,083 And then you walk in. They're like, 661 00:29:01,083 --> 00:29:03,125 "All right, step up. It's your turn." 662 00:29:03,125 --> 00:29:05,250 [ Laughter ] 663 00:29:05,250 --> 00:29:08,208 Hitler's like, "Oh! 664 00:29:08,208 --> 00:29:10,125 Good luck, little fella." 665 00:29:10,125 --> 00:29:11,875 [ Laughter ] 666 00:29:16,458 --> 00:29:18,000 [ Laughs ] 667 00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:20,083 Poor Hitler, man. 668 00:29:20,083 --> 00:29:22,250 I mean, at this point, 669 00:29:22,250 --> 00:29:26,042 he's been down there for 75 years. 670 00:29:26,042 --> 00:29:27,750 He's probably nice now. 671 00:29:27,750 --> 00:29:29,708 [ Laughter ] 672 00:29:29,708 --> 00:29:32,958 Hitler's probably nice to newcomers in hell, you know? 673 00:29:32,958 --> 00:29:36,375 "Hi! Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty bad. 674 00:29:36,375 --> 00:29:38,833 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 675 00:29:38,833 --> 00:29:40,625 What's that? Oh, yeah. Okay." 676 00:29:40,625 --> 00:29:43,542 [ Laughter, applause ] 677 00:29:51,583 --> 00:29:53,750 I was so scared of hell when I was a kid. 678 00:29:53,750 --> 00:29:56,250 I remember when I found out that gay people go to hell, 679 00:29:56,250 --> 00:29:57,750 according to the church, 680 00:29:57,750 --> 00:29:59,583 and I got scared 'cause I'm not gay, 681 00:29:59,583 --> 00:30:02,042 but what if God thinks I'm gay? 682 00:30:02,042 --> 00:30:04,292 [ Laughter ] 683 00:30:04,292 --> 00:30:06,542 What if I come off a little queer to the Lord? 684 00:30:06,542 --> 00:30:09,125 [ Laughter ] 685 00:30:09,125 --> 00:30:10,667 What if he happens to glance at me 686 00:30:10,667 --> 00:30:12,458 when I hit my toe and I'm like, "Ow!"? 687 00:30:12,458 --> 00:30:15,083 He's like, "Oh, I know where you're going, you faggot." 688 00:30:15,083 --> 00:30:16,708 [ Laughter ] 689 00:30:19,292 --> 00:30:22,000 I mean, that's their thing. I don't believe that. 690 00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:24,583 God doesn't hate you 'cause you're gay. 691 00:30:24,583 --> 00:30:27,167 God made you gay 'cause he hates you. 692 00:30:27,167 --> 00:30:29,792 [ Laughs ] 693 00:30:29,792 --> 00:30:33,542 No. I'm just kidding. 694 00:30:33,542 --> 00:30:35,750 I'm kidding. There's no God. 695 00:30:35,750 --> 00:30:38,333 [ Laughter ] 696 00:30:40,083 --> 00:30:42,250 But you know who I feel sorry for? 697 00:30:42,250 --> 00:30:43,875 Who I really feel sorry for 698 00:30:43,875 --> 00:30:47,083 is a gay man's sperm. 699 00:30:49,125 --> 00:30:51,542 Just think about that. 700 00:30:51,542 --> 00:30:52,917 That's a tough destiny. 701 00:30:52,917 --> 00:30:56,167 [ Laughter ] 702 00:30:56,167 --> 00:30:59,542 Being a sperm inside of a gay man, that's hard luck. 703 00:31:01,083 --> 00:31:03,292 'Cause if you're gay, that's great. 704 00:31:03,292 --> 00:31:07,958 But your sperm is not gay. 705 00:31:07,958 --> 00:31:09,500 Your sperm is just excited, 706 00:31:09,500 --> 00:31:11,792 like, "We're next, fellas. Here we go." 707 00:31:11,792 --> 00:31:14,042 [ Laughter ] 708 00:31:14,042 --> 00:31:15,792 [ Imitates rocket lift-off ] 709 00:31:15,792 --> 00:31:17,917 [ Laughter ] 710 00:31:19,042 --> 00:31:21,625 [ Laughter continues ] 711 00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:31,208 [ Laughter continues ] 712 00:31:32,958 --> 00:31:35,125 "Is that shit right there?" 713 00:31:35,125 --> 00:31:36,958 [ Laughter ] 714 00:31:41,708 --> 00:31:43,958 "Who shit in this chick's pussy?" 715 00:31:43,958 --> 00:31:45,958 [ Laughter ] 716 00:32:04,333 --> 00:32:07,458 Now... 717 00:32:07,458 --> 00:32:09,167 I was thinking about my life today. 718 00:32:09,167 --> 00:32:12,292 I was thinking about, like, when I grew up, and.... 719 00:32:12,292 --> 00:32:13,875 I was raised in an orphanage 720 00:32:13,875 --> 00:32:16,125 about a block from my parents' house. 721 00:32:16,125 --> 00:32:17,625 And... 722 00:32:17,625 --> 00:32:19,583 [ Laughter ] 723 00:32:19,583 --> 00:32:23,083 It's a joke. 724 00:32:23,083 --> 00:32:26,042 My father is Mexican. 725 00:32:26,042 --> 00:32:27,417 And my -- -Whoo-hoo! 726 00:32:27,417 --> 00:32:29,042 -Mm-hmm. [ Cheers and applause ] 727 00:32:29,042 --> 00:32:31,250 Yes. Six of you here. 728 00:32:31,250 --> 00:32:34,292 [ Laughter ] 729 00:32:34,292 --> 00:32:37,542 My father's Mexican, my mother is dead, 730 00:32:37,542 --> 00:32:42,500 so I'm half dead on my mom's side, 731 00:32:42,500 --> 00:32:44,125 and I'm half Mexican. 732 00:32:44,125 --> 00:32:45,958 A lot of people don't believe I'm Mexican. 733 00:32:45,958 --> 00:32:48,042 When I tell them I'm Mexican, they say stupid things. 734 00:32:48,042 --> 00:32:52,958 They say things like, "How can you look like that?" 735 00:32:52,958 --> 00:32:55,250 What do you mean, "how"? Like, I'm trying to, 736 00:32:55,250 --> 00:32:57,167 like, "Look, I'm not Mexican. 737 00:32:57,167 --> 00:33:00,500 No. I'm not Mexican at all." 738 00:33:00,500 --> 00:33:03,208 Then I get a home, like, "Señor." 739 00:33:03,208 --> 00:33:05,042 [ Laughter ] 740 00:33:13,917 --> 00:33:17,250 My parents, they got divorced when I was about 10. 741 00:33:17,250 --> 00:33:19,625 And I have kids now, 742 00:33:19,625 --> 00:33:22,833 and their parents are divorced, also. 743 00:33:22,833 --> 00:33:25,458 And... 744 00:33:27,208 --> 00:33:29,417 ...I remember when we told our kids 745 00:33:29,417 --> 00:33:31,125 about that we were gonna divorce. 746 00:33:31,125 --> 00:33:34,000 If you get divorced, you should tell your children. 747 00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:35,708 [ Laughter ] 748 00:33:35,708 --> 00:33:38,333 So we had to do it carefully 749 00:33:38,333 --> 00:33:40,292 'cause they were 5 and 2 years old at the time. 750 00:33:40,292 --> 00:33:44,167 So we had to put it in a way that they could comprehend. 751 00:33:44,167 --> 00:33:45,958 So I remember we sat them down. 752 00:33:45,958 --> 00:33:50,458 And I said, "Okay, listen, you know how you love your dog? 753 00:33:50,458 --> 00:33:52,167 You love your dog. 754 00:33:52,167 --> 00:33:53,917 Like, sometimes you give your dog food from your plate. 755 00:33:53,917 --> 00:33:55,208 You're not supposed to, but you do that 756 00:33:55,208 --> 00:33:56,875 'cause you love your dog. 757 00:33:56,875 --> 00:33:58,667 Remember the other day your mom and I were like, 758 00:33:58,667 --> 00:34:00,000 'Don't give the dog any ham,' 759 00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:02,958 but you did 'cause you love your dog? 760 00:34:02,958 --> 00:34:06,542 Okay, so that's why we're getting a divorce. 761 00:34:06,542 --> 00:34:09,125 [ Laughter ] 762 00:34:09,125 --> 00:34:11,667 Because you don't listen. 763 00:34:11,667 --> 00:34:13,917 [ Laughter ] 764 00:34:16,458 --> 00:34:19,000 And we just can't take it anymore. 765 00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:24,833 It's just too hard to not be listened to. 766 00:34:24,833 --> 00:34:27,083 So we're gonna move to separate homes 767 00:34:27,083 --> 00:34:28,917 and each have you for half the week 768 00:34:28,917 --> 00:34:31,500 'cause neither of us wants to have you all the time anymore. 769 00:34:31,500 --> 00:34:33,875 [ Laughter ] 770 00:34:33,875 --> 00:34:36,292 Yeah, and it's very sad because I love your mother 771 00:34:36,292 --> 00:34:38,042 very, very much. 772 00:34:38,042 --> 00:34:41,917 And she loves me so much. 773 00:34:41,917 --> 00:34:44,250 But we hate you more." 774 00:34:44,250 --> 00:34:45,833 [ Laughter ] 775 00:34:52,417 --> 00:34:55,417 That's how we handled it. 776 00:34:55,417 --> 00:34:59,292 You do your best, you know? 777 00:34:59,292 --> 00:35:01,833 That's all you can do with your kids. Do your best. 778 00:35:01,833 --> 00:35:03,625 Nobody fucking knows right from wrong. 779 00:35:03,625 --> 00:35:05,708 When I was a kid, they just taught us things 780 00:35:05,708 --> 00:35:08,833 to just try to keep us to just shut the fuck up. 781 00:35:08,833 --> 00:35:11,250 Our morals were just, "Shut the fuck up." 782 00:35:11,250 --> 00:35:13,250 [ Laughter ] 783 00:35:13,250 --> 00:35:17,833 Things like "slow and steady wins the race." 784 00:35:17,833 --> 00:35:19,250 They taught us that. 785 00:35:19,250 --> 00:35:23,708 "Slow and steady wins the race." 786 00:35:23,708 --> 00:35:26,750 Really? Does it win the race? 787 00:35:26,750 --> 00:35:28,000 [ Laughter ] 788 00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:30,000 You know what beats slow and steady? 789 00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:32,917 Fast and steady 790 00:35:32,917 --> 00:35:37,083 kicks the shit out of slow and steady. 791 00:35:37,083 --> 00:35:39,417 Slow and steady beats old and retarded. 792 00:35:39,417 --> 00:35:42,125 That's about it. 793 00:35:42,125 --> 00:35:44,292 Stop telling that to kids. 794 00:35:44,292 --> 00:35:47,708 [ Laughter ] 795 00:35:47,708 --> 00:35:50,667 A lot of what they teach kids is just to make them polite people. 796 00:35:50,667 --> 00:35:52,125 You know? Like, they teach them 797 00:35:52,125 --> 00:35:53,875 that there's words you shouldn't use. 798 00:35:53,875 --> 00:35:55,458 There's bad words. Don't use the bad words. 799 00:35:55,458 --> 00:35:56,708 I can't teach my kids that 800 00:35:56,708 --> 00:35:59,125 because I do this for a living. 801 00:35:59,125 --> 00:36:02,458 But I didn't want my kids to be, you know, assholes. 802 00:36:02,458 --> 00:36:04,000 So I used to tell them, like, "Okay, look, 803 00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:05,875 there's no bad words. There's no bad words. 804 00:36:05,875 --> 00:36:08,208 All words are good, bad, nothing. 805 00:36:08,208 --> 00:36:09,875 But there's some people that get upset 806 00:36:09,875 --> 00:36:11,750 when you use certain words. 807 00:36:11,750 --> 00:36:14,500 So if you're gonna use those words, look at the person first 808 00:36:14,500 --> 00:36:17,292 and try to guess if they're that kind of person." 809 00:36:17,292 --> 00:36:19,667 [ Laughter ] 810 00:36:27,500 --> 00:36:28,708 Sometimes you can offend somebody 811 00:36:28,708 --> 00:36:30,458 when you weren't even trying to. 812 00:36:30,458 --> 00:36:33,625 Like, there's certain -- certain phrases, 813 00:36:33,625 --> 00:36:35,792 certain statements that if you're gonna say them, 814 00:36:35,792 --> 00:36:40,000 you should say them without stopping in the middle. 815 00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:41,625 Certain things, if you're gonna say them, 816 00:36:41,625 --> 00:36:44,667 don't clear your throat in the middle. 817 00:36:44,667 --> 00:36:46,542 Okay? You don't want to say things like, 818 00:36:46,542 --> 00:36:48,875 There are too many black people... 819 00:36:48,875 --> 00:36:51,833 [Clears throat] 820 00:36:51,833 --> 00:36:54,292 suffering from discrimination." 821 00:36:54,292 --> 00:36:56,208 [ Laughter ] 822 00:37:00,375 --> 00:37:03,125 "We need to stop the Jews... 823 00:37:03,125 --> 00:37:05,583 [Clears throat] 824 00:37:05,583 --> 00:37:07,708 from feeling excluded." 825 00:37:07,708 --> 00:37:09,708 [ Laughter ] 826 00:37:11,958 --> 00:37:15,083 "I once fucked a baby... 827 00:37:15,083 --> 00:37:16,958 [Clears throat] 828 00:37:16,958 --> 00:37:18,875 and then I fucked him again." 829 00:37:18,875 --> 00:37:20,167 [ Laughs ] 830 00:37:20,167 --> 00:37:22,250 [ Laughter ] No. 831 00:37:22,250 --> 00:37:25,208 So you want to get through that one. 832 00:37:25,208 --> 00:37:28,417 Otherwise, people get the wrong idea. 833 00:37:28,417 --> 00:37:30,875 They'll think you only fucked that baby once. 834 00:37:30,875 --> 00:37:32,625 [ Laughter ] 835 00:37:36,750 --> 00:37:38,583 But it's tricky, you know. If you're trying to teach 836 00:37:38,583 --> 00:37:41,125 your kids right from wrong, you got to choose a side often 837 00:37:41,125 --> 00:37:43,583 because not everybody agrees on what's right and wrong. 838 00:37:43,583 --> 00:37:45,417 So how do you know? You know? Like abortion. 839 00:37:45,417 --> 00:37:47,958 Some people think it's murder. Some people don't. 840 00:37:47,958 --> 00:37:49,708 I personally -- I think people 841 00:37:49,708 --> 00:37:51,833 should get abortions, like, a lot. 842 00:37:51,833 --> 00:37:53,667 Like, as many as you can. 843 00:37:53,667 --> 00:37:58,625 You should try to get a lot of abortions. 844 00:37:58,625 --> 00:38:01,833 You know why? 'Cause it creates jobs. 845 00:38:01,833 --> 00:38:06,083 More abortions, more jobs for the doctors 846 00:38:06,083 --> 00:38:08,083 and the nurses and the Dumpster guy. 847 00:38:08,083 --> 00:38:11,625 Everybody gets a job. They have to work. 848 00:38:11,625 --> 00:38:14,625 How are they gonna feed their kids if you don't kill yours? 849 00:38:14,625 --> 00:38:17,250 It's a whole -- It's -- You got to think of everybody. 850 00:38:17,250 --> 00:38:19,000 [ Laughter ] 851 00:38:22,792 --> 00:38:24,333 Abortion is a big topic, of course, 852 00:38:24,333 --> 00:38:25,792 because Roe v. Wade was overturned. 853 00:38:25,792 --> 00:38:27,542 Roe vs. Wade. 854 00:38:27,542 --> 00:38:28,833 Of course, we all know what this is. 855 00:38:28,833 --> 00:38:30,625 This was a court case. 856 00:38:30,625 --> 00:38:32,875 Roe was a woman who wanted an abortion, 857 00:38:32,875 --> 00:38:35,750 and Wade was the baby, I guess. I don't know. 858 00:38:35,750 --> 00:38:38,542 [ Laughter ] I don't know. 859 00:38:42,917 --> 00:38:46,708 I'm just assuming. I never found out who Wade was. 860 00:38:46,708 --> 00:38:48,208 Wade must have been the baby. Anyway... 861 00:38:48,208 --> 00:38:50,833 [ Laughter ] 862 00:38:52,375 --> 00:38:54,875 But now that we don't have that, every state has 863 00:38:54,875 --> 00:38:57,333 to come up with their own law based on how people feel. 864 00:38:57,333 --> 00:38:59,000 They have to listen to people and see how they feel. 865 00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:01,458 I think most Americans feel on average 866 00:39:01,458 --> 00:39:03,708 the same thing about abortion. They feel like people 867 00:39:03,708 --> 00:39:05,500 should be able to get abortions if they need them, 868 00:39:05,500 --> 00:39:08,167 but, you know, just, uh, keep it down a little bit. That's all. 869 00:39:08,167 --> 00:39:09,625 Just... 870 00:39:09,625 --> 00:39:13,083 Just go ahead, but, you know, come on, come on. 871 00:39:13,083 --> 00:39:15,875 You know, do it, but don't be like, "Whoo-hoo-hoo!" 872 00:39:15,875 --> 00:39:17,458 Like, just, you know. 873 00:39:17,458 --> 00:39:20,208 [ Laughter ] 874 00:39:20,208 --> 00:39:22,958 So we need a law that covers that, that keeps it available, 875 00:39:22,958 --> 00:39:24,750 but limits it. Here's what I think 876 00:39:24,750 --> 00:39:26,042 we should do. Let's make this law. 877 00:39:26,042 --> 00:39:28,833 You can get an abortion anytime, anywhere. 878 00:39:28,833 --> 00:39:30,333 But if you get an abortion, 879 00:39:30,333 --> 00:39:32,417 you have to eat it. I think that's fair. 880 00:39:32,417 --> 00:39:37,042 Because that'll keep it -- That'll make you, "Hmm. 881 00:39:37,042 --> 00:39:39,167 Fuck. I gotta eat it? 882 00:39:39,167 --> 00:39:40,958 [ Laughter ] 883 00:39:40,958 --> 00:39:43,708 [ Sighs ] I better do it soon." 884 00:39:43,708 --> 00:39:46,000 [ Laughter ] 885 00:39:49,500 --> 00:39:52,750 [ Cheers and applause ] 886 00:39:57,125 --> 00:39:58,917 Just trying to make everybody happy, you know? 887 00:39:58,917 --> 00:40:00,750 [ Laughter ] 888 00:40:03,042 --> 00:40:05,708 Some -- Some Catholics believe 889 00:40:05,708 --> 00:40:07,500 that contraception is murder. 890 00:40:07,500 --> 00:40:09,042 They think if you wear a condom, 891 00:40:09,042 --> 00:40:11,292 if you stop a sperm from getting to an egg, 892 00:40:11,292 --> 00:40:13,417 you killed a possible baby. 893 00:40:13,417 --> 00:40:15,458 By that logic, I could say that any woman 894 00:40:15,458 --> 00:40:17,625 that won't fuck me is a murderer. 895 00:40:17,625 --> 00:40:21,083 [ Laughter ] 896 00:40:21,083 --> 00:40:22,708 Let me tell you, there's a bunch 897 00:40:22,708 --> 00:40:24,708 of murdering bitches out there. 898 00:40:24,708 --> 00:40:26,958 But... 899 00:40:28,917 --> 00:40:31,333 ...murder is a weird law structure. 900 00:40:31,333 --> 00:40:34,667 Also, that is not a sentence. Didn't make any sense, but... 901 00:40:34,667 --> 00:40:36,833 murder should be simple because it's a binary crime. 902 00:40:36,833 --> 00:40:38,958 You kill somebody, or you don't. They're alive, or they're dead. 903 00:40:38,958 --> 00:40:40,583 It's one or the other. But -- 904 00:40:40,583 --> 00:40:42,333 But the laws around murder are a little murky. 905 00:40:42,333 --> 00:40:44,583 One person could kill somebody, get 100 years. 906 00:40:44,583 --> 00:40:47,083 Somebody else gets 20. Why? What's the difference? 907 00:40:47,083 --> 00:40:49,417 Here's what they base your sentence on with murder. 908 00:40:49,417 --> 00:40:54,667 They base it on how you felt when you murdered them. 909 00:40:54,667 --> 00:40:57,750 That's weirdly important. 910 00:40:57,750 --> 00:41:01,417 They say, "Okay, you shot him in the face. 911 00:41:01,417 --> 00:41:05,333 But what was up with you, man? Like, what was going on? 912 00:41:05,333 --> 00:41:08,167 [ Laughter ] Like, come on." 913 00:41:12,042 --> 00:41:13,708 I think if you murder somebody, 914 00:41:13,708 --> 00:41:15,708 your sentence should be based on how old the person 915 00:41:15,708 --> 00:41:17,708 was that you murdered. 916 00:41:17,708 --> 00:41:20,583 That should matter. How much of their life did you take away? 917 00:41:20,583 --> 00:41:22,708 Like, if you see a 3-year-old girl in the park, 918 00:41:22,708 --> 00:41:24,875 and you just kick her to death... 919 00:41:24,875 --> 00:41:26,083 [ Laughter ] 920 00:41:26,083 --> 00:41:28,250 [ Sighs ] 921 00:41:28,250 --> 00:41:29,792 It's a hypothetical. Fucking grow up. 922 00:41:29,792 --> 00:41:31,042 It's a hypothetical. 923 00:41:31,042 --> 00:41:34,125 I'm not asking you to go do that. 924 00:41:34,125 --> 00:41:37,625 I'm just asking you to just really imagine 925 00:41:37,625 --> 00:41:42,542 just kicking a 3-year-old till she's dead. 926 00:41:46,417 --> 00:41:48,625 [ Laughter ] 927 00:41:52,375 --> 00:41:55,333 All right. 928 00:41:55,333 --> 00:41:58,833 If you kill a 3-year-old, you should do a lot of time. 929 00:41:58,833 --> 00:42:00,500 You should do a lot of time. 930 00:42:00,500 --> 00:42:01,750 Unless she's got, like, diabetes. 931 00:42:01,750 --> 00:42:03,625 You got to work it all in. But... 932 00:42:03,625 --> 00:42:08,375 But what if... 933 00:42:08,375 --> 00:42:12,542 What if you kill somebody who's, like, 98? 934 00:42:12,542 --> 00:42:14,833 He's 98, and he's, like, in a hospice. 935 00:42:14,833 --> 00:42:17,792 He's not even good 98. 936 00:42:17,792 --> 00:42:19,875 He's in hosp-- You know what hospice is? 937 00:42:19,875 --> 00:42:22,458 It's like a hospital where they don't try to help you. 938 00:42:22,458 --> 00:42:24,208 [ Laughter ] 939 00:42:24,208 --> 00:42:26,375 And say there's a guy, and he's, like, 98 in a hospice. 940 00:42:26,375 --> 00:42:28,958 He's got -- He's got cancer 941 00:42:28,958 --> 00:42:31,208 and AIDS and COVID. 942 00:42:31,208 --> 00:42:33,375 [ Laughter ] 943 00:42:33,375 --> 00:42:34,833 And he's like [Groans] 944 00:42:34,833 --> 00:42:37,958 And they just unplugged him. He's [Groans] 945 00:42:37,958 --> 00:42:39,208 And right then, you walk in... 946 00:42:39,208 --> 00:42:41,333 [ Imitates gunshots ] 947 00:42:41,333 --> 00:42:44,458 [ Laughter ] 948 00:42:44,458 --> 00:42:49,125 ...shoot him right in the face. 949 00:42:49,125 --> 00:42:51,500 You should get, like, five minutes for that. 950 00:42:51,500 --> 00:42:53,125 [ Laughter ] 951 00:42:59,292 --> 00:43:02,417 I was thinking about that today. I was. 952 00:43:02,417 --> 00:43:05,208 'Cause I'm going to see my dad next week. 953 00:43:05,208 --> 00:43:07,083 And my dad -- Let me tell you something. 954 00:43:07,083 --> 00:43:11,333 Okay? My father is not in a hospice. 955 00:43:11,333 --> 00:43:16,042 My dad is in a facility being kept alive. 956 00:43:16,042 --> 00:43:18,667 For whose benefit? I don't get it. 957 00:43:18,667 --> 00:43:20,125 It's just he's [Groans] 958 00:43:20,125 --> 00:43:23,000 And they just put food in and pbht and just... 959 00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:26,667 "Come on! Keep going!" 960 00:43:26,667 --> 00:43:29,625 Like, what does he have -- a secret he hasn't told yet? 961 00:43:29,625 --> 00:43:31,417 [ Laughter ] 962 00:43:34,125 --> 00:43:36,625 'Cause, look, my mom just died. 963 00:43:36,625 --> 00:43:38,000 She just died. 964 00:43:38,000 --> 00:43:39,500 That's how it works. By the way, 965 00:43:39,500 --> 00:43:41,750 for you young people, here's how life goes. 966 00:43:41,750 --> 00:43:43,792 One of your parents is gonna die, 967 00:43:43,792 --> 00:43:47,833 and the other one is just never gonna fucking die. 968 00:43:47,833 --> 00:43:49,125 [ Laughter ] 969 00:43:49,125 --> 00:43:53,625 They just will never fucking die. 970 00:43:53,625 --> 00:43:55,500 Ever. 971 00:43:59,792 --> 00:44:02,708 And guess what. It's not the one you wanted. 972 00:44:02,708 --> 00:44:04,292 [ Laughter ] 973 00:44:04,292 --> 00:44:07,667 Nope. 974 00:44:07,667 --> 00:44:11,250 It's not the one you wish to have kept. 975 00:44:11,250 --> 00:44:13,792 It's not your good parent. 976 00:44:13,792 --> 00:44:16,542 Nobody's got two good parents. 977 00:44:16,542 --> 00:44:19,458 You have a nice one and a shitty one. 978 00:44:19,458 --> 00:44:20,750 And the nice one just dies 979 00:44:20,750 --> 00:44:22,375 'cause that's what nice people do. 980 00:44:22,375 --> 00:44:24,333 "I'll just die. I don't want to bother everybody." 981 00:44:24,333 --> 00:44:26,208 [ Laughter ] 982 00:44:29,208 --> 00:44:31,167 And the shitty one just hangs in there. 983 00:44:31,167 --> 00:44:33,125 [ Coughs ] 984 00:44:33,125 --> 00:44:34,833 [ Wheezing ] 985 00:44:34,833 --> 00:44:37,833 "Oh, shit. 986 00:44:37,833 --> 00:44:41,042 Another day of this." 987 00:44:45,042 --> 00:44:48,625 Why? What the fuck for, the long life? 988 00:44:51,833 --> 00:44:54,458 You can live too long, I think. 989 00:44:54,458 --> 00:44:56,708 You can live too long. 990 00:44:56,708 --> 00:45:00,292 Some people are 100. Get the fuck out of here. 991 00:45:00,292 --> 00:45:02,708 [ Laughter ] 992 00:45:02,708 --> 00:45:04,625 Nobody knows you. 993 00:45:04,625 --> 00:45:06,708 [ Laughter ] 994 00:45:10,833 --> 00:45:14,250 What, are you gonna run into somebody? "Hey!" 995 00:45:14,250 --> 00:45:16,042 [ Laughter ] 996 00:45:21,542 --> 00:45:23,958 Some people are even older. Some people are -- 997 00:45:23,958 --> 00:45:26,208 You ever read about the oldest person in the world? 998 00:45:26,208 --> 00:45:28,458 There's always an oldest person. 999 00:45:28,458 --> 00:45:30,125 And sometimes you read about them 1000 00:45:30,125 --> 00:45:31,333 because the other one just died. 1001 00:45:31,333 --> 00:45:32,667 That's when they tell you 1002 00:45:32,667 --> 00:45:35,542 that there's a new oldest person. 1003 00:45:35,542 --> 00:45:39,292 Last one I read about was 114. 1004 00:45:39,292 --> 00:45:42,917 114. He's a teenager after 100. 1005 00:45:42,917 --> 00:45:45,333 [ Laughter ] 1006 00:45:50,083 --> 00:45:51,583 You know what that means? 1007 00:45:51,583 --> 00:45:56,375 That means he's got a kid who's like, 92... 1008 00:45:56,375 --> 00:46:00,042 who's like, "Please fucking die. 1009 00:46:00,042 --> 00:46:02,083 [ Laughter ] 1010 00:46:02,083 --> 00:46:04,375 I'm just hanging around so I can have one week 1011 00:46:04,375 --> 00:46:06,125 without you in it." 1012 00:46:06,125 --> 00:46:07,750 [ Laughter ] 1013 00:46:13,500 --> 00:46:16,250 I mean, here's the bad news -- You're gonna die. 1014 00:46:16,250 --> 00:46:18,333 Here's the good news -- When you get closer, 1015 00:46:18,333 --> 00:46:20,167 you're gonna want to fucking die. 1016 00:46:20,167 --> 00:46:22,083 It doesn't keep being good. 1017 00:46:22,083 --> 00:46:25,583 You don't get to keep your life the way it is. Like, I'm 55. 1018 00:46:25,583 --> 00:46:28,333 Both hands hurt. Both hands. 1019 00:46:28,333 --> 00:46:29,625 Both my hips hurt. 1020 00:46:29,625 --> 00:46:31,417 I'm lucky I have only one asshole. 1021 00:46:31,417 --> 00:46:33,958 The whole fucking body hurts. 1022 00:46:33,958 --> 00:46:35,917 When you're, like, in your 30s, you don't even think about it. 1023 00:46:35,917 --> 00:46:37,667 You're like -- 'Cause here's, like -- 1024 00:46:37,667 --> 00:46:39,417 There's the beginning of your life, and there's the end. 1025 00:46:39,417 --> 00:46:40,917 So, like, you start, like, in your 3-- 1026 00:46:40,917 --> 00:46:42,667 Like, you're in your 30s. You're just shuffling. 1027 00:46:42,667 --> 00:46:44,125 You're not even aware of this movement. 1028 00:46:44,125 --> 00:46:46,542 You're just shuffling along. "Hey. 1029 00:46:46,542 --> 00:46:48,167 Life is good. Pretty cool." 1030 00:46:48,167 --> 00:46:49,667 And then somewhere you're kind of aware 1031 00:46:49,667 --> 00:46:51,542 that way down there, people are -- "Aah!" -- 1032 00:46:51,542 --> 00:46:53,667 falling off the edge. "Aah!" 1033 00:46:53,667 --> 00:46:57,083 "Oh. Yeah. Weird." [ Laughter ] 1034 00:46:57,083 --> 00:46:58,875 And then you're not thinking. Then all of a sudden, 1035 00:46:58,875 --> 00:47:00,667 you're close, and you're, "Aah! Oh, fuck, I knew that guy. 1036 00:47:00,667 --> 00:47:03,625 Oh, my God. Holy shit." 1037 00:47:03,625 --> 00:47:07,042 [ Laughter ] 1038 00:47:07,042 --> 00:47:08,625 But there are signs that your time 1039 00:47:08,625 --> 00:47:10,125 is coming to an end, you know? 1040 00:47:10,125 --> 00:47:12,833 Like -- Like they don't make my shampoo anymore. 1041 00:47:12,833 --> 00:47:15,167 They don't make it. 1042 00:47:15,167 --> 00:47:17,042 It's like, why'd you stop? Like, you're the only one. 1043 00:47:17,042 --> 00:47:18,625 Nobody fucking cares about you. 1044 00:47:18,625 --> 00:47:20,667 [ Laughter ] 1045 00:47:20,667 --> 00:47:23,292 And so I thought, I'm like, "I'm gonna make my own. 1046 00:47:23,292 --> 00:47:25,333 I'm gonna make my own shampoo. 1047 00:47:25,333 --> 00:47:26,667 I'm gonna look it up online. 1048 00:47:26,667 --> 00:47:28,333 I'm gonna look at the ingredients. 1049 00:47:28,333 --> 00:47:30,208 I'm gonna make my own." 1050 00:47:30,208 --> 00:47:35,000 And I found myself at a dinner telling a table full of people, 1051 00:47:35,000 --> 00:47:38,167 "So I decided to make my own shampoo." 1052 00:47:38,167 --> 00:47:40,167 [ Laughter ] 1053 00:47:44,750 --> 00:47:46,458 That's one of those moments where you tell yourself, 1054 00:47:46,458 --> 00:47:48,750 "Just don't tell folks anything. 1055 00:47:48,750 --> 00:47:50,333 You don't need to say it out loud. 1056 00:47:50,333 --> 00:47:52,958 Just do what you're doing. Die as soon as possible." 1057 00:47:52,958 --> 00:47:55,208 [ Laughter ] 1058 00:48:00,208 --> 00:48:02,542 Do I have a huge stain? Yeah, that's all right. 1059 00:48:02,542 --> 00:48:04,500 It's all right. So what? 1060 00:48:06,792 --> 00:48:09,875 Okay. 1061 00:48:09,875 --> 00:48:11,875 No, no, no. Who's running? 1062 00:48:11,875 --> 00:48:13,583 Oh, okay. 1063 00:48:13,583 --> 00:48:15,208 I thought they were coming to bring me something. 1064 00:48:15,208 --> 00:48:17,333 There's nothing you can do. 1065 00:48:17,333 --> 00:48:18,958 You'd have to change my whole lifestyle 1066 00:48:18,958 --> 00:48:20,625 for the rest of the show. 1067 00:48:20,625 --> 00:48:23,375 [ Laughter ] 1068 00:48:23,375 --> 00:48:27,167 It doesn't -- It doesn't matter. 1069 00:48:27,167 --> 00:48:30,875 I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm a fat guy. I'm fat. 1070 00:48:30,875 --> 00:48:34,958 I'm fat. I -- My pronouns are "that fat fuck" and... 1071 00:48:34,958 --> 00:48:36,875 [ Laughter ] 1072 00:48:39,875 --> 00:48:42,125 But here's the thing. I have body dysmorphia. 1073 00:48:42,125 --> 00:48:44,833 I think I look good. 1074 00:48:44,833 --> 00:48:47,625 I like this. I'm fine with it. 1075 00:48:51,625 --> 00:48:52,917 I decided to stop exercising. 1076 00:48:52,917 --> 00:48:55,083 That's what I decided this year. 1077 00:48:55,083 --> 00:48:58,417 I'm just not doing it anymore. I made it to 55. 1078 00:48:58,417 --> 00:48:59,917 If I stop exercising now, 1079 00:48:59,917 --> 00:49:02,417 it just means I might make 75 instead of 78. 1080 00:49:02,417 --> 00:49:04,542 It's not that big a fucking deal. 1081 00:49:04,542 --> 00:49:05,833 I'm just not gonna do it. 1082 00:49:05,833 --> 00:49:07,875 You know, who inspired me was Trump. 1083 00:49:07,875 --> 00:49:09,750 It's the one thing he said that I liked. 1084 00:49:09,750 --> 00:49:11,458 I don't know if you've ever heard this, 1085 00:49:11,458 --> 00:49:12,833 but Trump believes -- 1086 00:49:12,833 --> 00:49:16,208 He just believes. Nobody told him this. 1087 00:49:16,208 --> 00:49:17,375 But he believes that you should 1088 00:49:17,375 --> 00:49:21,000 move as little as possible 1089 00:49:21,000 --> 00:49:23,833 because you have a finite amount of movements 1090 00:49:23,833 --> 00:49:26,208 and then you just -- You stop. 1091 00:49:26,208 --> 00:49:28,667 He believes that. He just went, "Yeah, that sounds right." 1092 00:49:28,667 --> 00:49:33,208 And he just thought it up. 1093 00:49:33,208 --> 00:49:34,458 And he's proving it to be true. 1094 00:49:34,458 --> 00:49:38,583 I mean, it's fucking working. 1095 00:49:38,583 --> 00:49:40,875 I don't like the new exercise either. 1096 00:49:40,875 --> 00:49:43,875 I don't like the Peloton, you know? 1097 00:49:43,875 --> 00:49:45,333 It's a bike you ride, 1098 00:49:45,333 --> 00:49:47,625 and there's a video that encourages you. 1099 00:49:47,625 --> 00:49:49,292 And they have that mirror that you stand there, 1100 00:49:49,292 --> 00:49:52,042 and it teaches you exercises. 1101 00:49:52,042 --> 00:49:53,917 Then they have that gun you put in your mouth, 1102 00:49:53,917 --> 00:49:55,500 and you fucking... 1103 00:49:55,500 --> 00:49:56,792 [ Laughter ] 1104 00:49:56,792 --> 00:49:58,458 Nah. 1105 00:50:01,500 --> 00:50:04,625 No, you shouldn't kill yourself. 1106 00:50:04,625 --> 00:50:07,667 [ Laughter ] 1107 00:50:07,667 --> 00:50:09,625 That's what I think. You should not kill yourself. 1108 00:50:09,625 --> 00:50:10,875 That's my opinion. I don't know you. 1109 00:50:10,875 --> 00:50:12,250 Ask somebody that knows you. 1110 00:50:12,250 --> 00:50:14,167 [ Laughter ] 1111 00:50:14,167 --> 00:50:16,125 But my general feeling is, you shouldn't kill yourself. 1112 00:50:16,125 --> 00:50:18,583 You know why? 'Cause you're gonna die anyway. 1113 00:50:18,583 --> 00:50:20,375 You're gonna die. What are you getting violent for? 1114 00:50:20,375 --> 00:50:22,042 It's gonna happen. 1115 00:50:22,042 --> 00:50:23,333 "I wish I was dead." 1116 00:50:23,333 --> 00:50:24,625 You will be. Just sit there. 1117 00:50:24,625 --> 00:50:26,125 You don't have to do anything. 1118 00:50:26,125 --> 00:50:29,833 [ Laughter ] 1119 00:50:29,833 --> 00:50:31,833 It really is the most effective argument 1120 00:50:31,833 --> 00:50:34,000 against suicide, is that you're gonna die either way. 1121 00:50:34,000 --> 00:50:36,167 It also happens to be the best argument for suicide, 1122 00:50:36,167 --> 00:50:38,875 which is awkward. 1123 00:50:38,875 --> 00:50:41,208 Go ahead. You're gonna die if you don't. 1124 00:50:41,208 --> 00:50:44,042 [ Laughter ] 1125 00:50:44,042 --> 00:50:46,542 Anyway... 1126 00:50:46,542 --> 00:50:51,833 a friend of mine sent me a porn the other day. 1127 00:50:51,833 --> 00:50:54,917 Folks can just send you pornography now. 1128 00:50:54,917 --> 00:50:59,500 It was a porn. It was two old men. 1129 00:50:59,500 --> 00:51:02,875 Like, really old guys, really old. 1130 00:51:02,875 --> 00:51:05,167 And they were sucking each other's cocks. 1131 00:51:05,167 --> 00:51:08,583 Like, really sucking each other's cocks. 1132 00:51:08,583 --> 00:51:10,042 They were so old. I was surprised 1133 00:51:10,042 --> 00:51:13,375 they were doing anything. But there they were. 1134 00:51:13,375 --> 00:51:16,167 One of them is, like, sitting on the edge of a bed, and his socks 1135 00:51:16,167 --> 00:51:17,667 have fallen, you know. 1136 00:51:17,667 --> 00:51:20,042 [ Laughter ] 1137 00:51:20,042 --> 00:51:22,500 And the other guy is on his knees on a pillow. 1138 00:51:22,500 --> 00:51:27,292 And he's just fucking blowing the guy. 1139 00:51:27,292 --> 00:51:29,583 Then they switch places. 1140 00:51:29,583 --> 00:51:32,792 I watched long enough to see them switch places. 1141 00:51:32,792 --> 00:51:34,833 [ Laughter ] 1142 00:51:37,083 --> 00:51:39,792 And when the second guy was done, 1143 00:51:39,792 --> 00:51:44,583 I called my friend and said, "Why did you send me this?" 1144 00:51:44,583 --> 00:51:47,917 He said, "Because it's amazing." 1145 00:51:47,917 --> 00:51:51,583 And it really was, you know? It really was. 1146 00:51:51,583 --> 00:51:54,292 I've watched it a few times 1147 00:51:54,292 --> 00:51:55,958 because it doesn't turn me on. 1148 00:51:55,958 --> 00:51:58,458 It's inspiring. 1149 00:51:58,458 --> 00:52:02,500 'Cause you're like, "Go, fellas!" 1150 00:52:02,500 --> 00:52:05,083 'Cause you worry about old guys. 1151 00:52:05,083 --> 00:52:06,917 You know, you see an old man walking by himself 1152 00:52:06,917 --> 00:52:10,250 with just a grapefruit in a plastic bag, you know? 1153 00:52:10,250 --> 00:52:13,292 You're like, "Ah, shit, that's horrible." 1154 00:52:13,292 --> 00:52:17,042 Maybe he's going to suck another guy's cock. 1155 00:52:17,042 --> 00:52:19,167 Life might be better than you think. 1156 00:52:19,167 --> 00:52:21,167 [ Laughter ] 1157 00:52:24,083 --> 00:52:26,083 It's interesting 'cause porn used to be like, you go 1158 00:52:26,083 --> 00:52:27,792 find your thing, you know. 1159 00:52:27,792 --> 00:52:30,542 But now you go to a porn site. It's everybody's stuff. 1160 00:52:30,542 --> 00:52:32,792 You can put in a search word to narrow it down, 1161 00:52:32,792 --> 00:52:36,125 or you can look around, 1162 00:52:36,125 --> 00:52:38,292 find new things. 1163 00:52:38,292 --> 00:52:40,958 I saw a fart porn one time. 1164 00:52:40,958 --> 00:52:43,875 So fart porn. I never thought I'd be turned on by farts. 1165 00:52:43,875 --> 00:52:46,333 I'm not interested in farts. Farts are okay. 1166 00:52:46,333 --> 00:52:48,833 I'm farting right now. I've been farting this whole time. 1167 00:52:48,833 --> 00:52:52,000 [ Laughter ] 1168 00:52:52,000 --> 00:52:53,792 And I didn't want to watch it 'cause it was a fart porn. 1169 00:52:53,792 --> 00:52:56,333 It was 'cause of the title. The title is what got me. 1170 00:52:56,333 --> 00:53:00,292 The title was "Nice Girl Farts in Your Face." 1171 00:53:00,292 --> 00:53:02,042 [ Laughter ] 1172 00:53:02,042 --> 00:53:04,750 Who's not gonna watch that? 1173 00:53:04,750 --> 00:53:09,875 "Nice Girl Farts in Your Face." 1174 00:53:12,125 --> 00:53:14,250 So I click on it. 1175 00:53:14,250 --> 00:53:15,875 And there's this girl standing there. 1176 00:53:15,875 --> 00:53:18,917 I'm like, "She is nice. She's totally nice." 1177 00:53:18,917 --> 00:53:21,708 Just a nice girl standing there. 1178 00:53:21,708 --> 00:53:24,625 Pink sweater with little blue buttons on it. 1179 00:53:24,625 --> 00:53:25,958 And she's looking in the camera, and she says, 1180 00:53:25,958 --> 00:53:29,583 "Hi. I'm so glad to see you." 1181 00:53:29,583 --> 00:53:32,292 I was like, "Wow." She made me feel good, you know? 1182 00:53:32,292 --> 00:53:34,292 And then she turns around like she's reaching. 1183 00:53:34,292 --> 00:53:36,042 She goes, "I got to show you something, like, I bought," 1184 00:53:36,042 --> 00:53:37,875 And she's reaching up, and all of a sudden, pbht! 1185 00:53:37,875 --> 00:53:41,375 And I was like, "Oh, my God!" 1186 00:53:41,375 --> 00:53:43,250 I mean, it was in the title. I knew it was gonna happen. 1187 00:53:43,250 --> 00:53:45,000 But I was like, "Oh, my God!" 1188 00:53:45,000 --> 00:53:47,667 She just farted right in my face. 1189 00:53:47,667 --> 00:53:49,792 She seemed so nice. 1190 00:53:49,792 --> 00:53:52,917 [ Laughter ] 1191 00:53:52,917 --> 00:53:55,000 But the best part is when she -- her reaction 1192 00:53:55,000 --> 00:53:56,375 'cause I thought she would be like, 1193 00:53:56,375 --> 00:53:58,542 "That's right. I farted in your face." 1194 00:53:58,542 --> 00:53:59,917 But she wasn't. She was like, "[Gasps] 1195 00:53:59,917 --> 00:54:03,792 Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I am so sorry. 1196 00:54:03,792 --> 00:54:05,375 I can't believe that happened." 1197 00:54:05,375 --> 00:54:07,375 I've never been that hard in my entire life. 1198 00:54:07,375 --> 00:54:09,708 I was so excited. 1199 00:54:09,708 --> 00:54:11,875 [ Laughter ] 1200 00:54:11,875 --> 00:54:14,542 'Cause I realized it's not really about the fart. 1201 00:54:14,542 --> 00:54:17,750 It's about the shame. 1202 00:54:17,750 --> 00:54:20,292 It's about the sexy shame 1203 00:54:20,292 --> 00:54:24,167 of a truly nice girl who just thunder farted 1204 00:54:24,167 --> 00:54:27,417 right in your face, and she regrets it. 1205 00:54:27,417 --> 00:54:29,542 [ Laughter ] 1206 00:54:31,375 --> 00:54:32,667 Here's the worst part. 1207 00:54:32,667 --> 00:54:34,083 I can't find one that good again. 1208 00:54:34,083 --> 00:54:35,875 I can't. They're never that good. 1209 00:54:35,875 --> 00:54:40,167 I've been chasing the dragon on this fart porn for months. 1210 00:54:40,167 --> 00:54:42,167 It's just always some bored chick. 1211 00:54:42,167 --> 00:54:43,750 "Hello." Pbht! 1212 00:54:43,750 --> 00:54:45,667 Like, come on. 1213 00:54:45,667 --> 00:54:47,833 Tighten it up, would you? A little bit. 1214 00:54:47,833 --> 00:54:49,750 [ Laughter ] 1215 00:54:55,125 --> 00:54:57,000 I have been dating recently. 1216 00:54:57,000 --> 00:54:59,667 Dating is not fun. Dating's horrible. 1217 00:54:59,667 --> 00:55:01,500 Nobody wants to date. Even if you meet somebody 1218 00:55:01,500 --> 00:55:03,292 and you really want to go out with them and they say yes, 1219 00:55:03,292 --> 00:55:04,542 you're excited in that moment, 1220 00:55:04,542 --> 00:55:06,375 but the day of the date, you're like, 1221 00:55:06,375 --> 00:55:08,250 "I don't want to fucking do this. I don't want to do this." 1222 00:55:08,250 --> 00:55:10,167 Every time I'm ringing a doorbell to pick a woman up, 1223 00:55:10,167 --> 00:55:12,750 I'm like, "I hope she's dead in there. I really do. 1224 00:55:12,750 --> 00:55:15,083 I hope something awful happened." 1225 00:55:15,083 --> 00:55:17,792 I don't want to sit in a place and breathe 1226 00:55:17,792 --> 00:55:21,542 unevenly for three hours and just sweating 1227 00:55:21,542 --> 00:55:22,750 where your body. is folded 1228 00:55:22,750 --> 00:55:24,625 and just, "Uh-huh." 1229 00:55:24,625 --> 00:55:27,708 [ Laughter ] 1230 00:55:27,708 --> 00:55:29,667 Do you ever have a date that goes well? 1231 00:55:29,667 --> 00:55:31,417 It's, like, good from the beginning. 1232 00:55:31,417 --> 00:55:33,333 You're like -- You get a little laugh at the beginning. 1233 00:55:33,333 --> 00:55:34,875 "Hi. Ha ha." Something funny. 1234 00:55:34,875 --> 00:55:36,917 And they both laugh. Feels good. 1235 00:55:36,917 --> 00:55:38,458 You see you agree on stuff. 1236 00:55:38,458 --> 00:55:40,417 When you don't agree, you laugh about it. 1237 00:55:40,417 --> 00:55:42,500 You're even able to be quiet a little bit while you're eating, 1238 00:55:42,500 --> 00:55:44,042 and it's nice, feels comfortable. 1239 00:55:44,042 --> 00:55:45,333 And then you drop them off. 1240 00:55:45,333 --> 00:55:46,583 You're like, "I hope I see you again." 1241 00:55:46,583 --> 00:55:48,167 And she says, "I hope so, too." 1242 00:55:48,167 --> 00:55:50,167 And you feel like, "This is something new in my life. 1243 00:55:50,167 --> 00:55:53,125 This is wonderful." Then you go home. 1244 00:55:53,125 --> 00:55:55,042 And your wife is like, "Where were you all night?" 1245 00:55:55,042 --> 00:55:56,458 You know, and you're just fucking.... 1246 00:55:56,458 --> 00:55:58,750 [ Laughter ] But... 1247 00:56:04,542 --> 00:56:06,292 But I'm older now. 1248 00:56:06,292 --> 00:56:08,042 I'm divorced, and I still 1249 00:56:08,042 --> 00:56:10,708 date mostly women who are younger than me recently 1250 00:56:10,708 --> 00:56:13,042 'cause that's who looks better. 1251 00:56:13,042 --> 00:56:14,875 [ Laughs ] No, no. 1252 00:56:14,875 --> 00:56:17,917 No, it's true. 1253 00:56:17,917 --> 00:56:19,375 But I'm not -- I don't like having -- 1254 00:56:19,375 --> 00:56:21,000 I've always been with women my age or older. 1255 00:56:21,000 --> 00:56:22,875 I was married to a woman a year older than me 1256 00:56:22,875 --> 00:56:24,250 for ten years. And that's always 1257 00:56:24,250 --> 00:56:26,042 been the way I've been. But, you know, 1258 00:56:26,042 --> 00:56:28,042 there's some guys that have to be with a younger woman. 1259 00:56:28,042 --> 00:56:29,500 There's -- There's cultures 1260 00:56:29,500 --> 00:56:31,458 that believe the man should be much older. 1261 00:56:31,458 --> 00:56:34,375 Like, there's religions that have, like, a formula, 1262 00:56:34,375 --> 00:56:38,417 you know? Like take the man's age and subtract ten, 1263 00:56:38,417 --> 00:56:40,583 and then whatever else you have to do to get to 12. 1264 00:56:40,583 --> 00:56:42,542 Just get to... 1265 00:56:42,542 --> 00:56:46,667 Just -- Just solve for 12. 1266 00:56:46,667 --> 00:56:50,458 [ Laughter ] 1267 00:56:50,458 --> 00:56:52,667 But I didn't suddenly get interested in younger women. 1268 00:56:52,667 --> 00:56:53,875 What happened was, I got older, 1269 00:56:53,875 --> 00:56:55,208 and they got interested in me 1270 00:56:55,208 --> 00:56:56,792 'cause the younger women, like older guys. 1271 00:56:56,792 --> 00:56:59,000 They just do. That's the other part nobody says. 1272 00:56:59,000 --> 00:57:00,500 I don't do anything to get younger women. 1273 00:57:00,500 --> 00:57:02,542 I just stand there like this, 1274 00:57:02,542 --> 00:57:04,083 and they see me, and they're like, 1275 00:57:04,083 --> 00:57:06,625 "That would be so weird to fuck that old guy." 1276 00:57:06,625 --> 00:57:08,750 [ Laughter ] 1277 00:57:08,750 --> 00:57:10,042 And then we get blamed. 1278 00:57:10,042 --> 00:57:11,458 The older guy always gets blamed. 1279 00:57:11,458 --> 00:57:13,083 You see an older man with a young woman. 1280 00:57:13,083 --> 00:57:14,750 Everybody's like, "That guy's a pervert." 1281 00:57:14,750 --> 00:57:17,458 No, she's a pervert. 1282 00:57:17,458 --> 00:57:19,667 He's normal. He likes pretty women. 1283 00:57:19,667 --> 00:57:22,500 She likes that. 1284 00:57:22,500 --> 00:57:24,250 [ Laughter ] 1285 00:57:24,250 --> 00:57:26,083 The fuck is wrong with her? 1286 00:57:28,375 --> 00:57:30,083 And they're weird. 1287 00:57:30,083 --> 00:57:32,458 I was having sex with this woman, and she was about 35. 1288 00:57:32,458 --> 00:57:35,583 And we're in bed. She starts calling me "daddy." 1289 00:57:35,583 --> 00:57:37,583 I was like, "Please don't, young lady. 1290 00:57:37,583 --> 00:57:40,083 Please don't do that." 1291 00:57:40,083 --> 00:57:41,667 She said, "Why does it make you uncomfortable 1292 00:57:41,667 --> 00:57:43,000 when I call you 'daddy' during sex?" 1293 00:57:43,000 --> 00:57:44,625 Is it 'cause you have daughters?" 1294 00:57:44,625 --> 00:57:46,083 I said, "No. 1295 00:57:46,083 --> 00:57:51,042 It makes me uncomfortable because I have a father. 1296 00:57:51,042 --> 00:57:55,958 And I used to call him 'daddy' when he fucked me. 1297 00:57:55,958 --> 00:57:57,667 So..." 1298 00:57:57,667 --> 00:57:59,875 [ Laughter ] 1299 00:58:03,125 --> 00:58:04,458 By the way, thanks for laughing at me 1300 00:58:04,458 --> 00:58:06,667 'cause I got fucked by my dad. 1301 00:58:06,667 --> 00:58:08,500 [ Laughter ] 1302 00:58:08,500 --> 00:58:11,583 I was not laughing at the time 1303 00:58:11,583 --> 00:58:13,417 'cause I was coming, 1304 00:58:13,417 --> 00:58:16,875 because he fucked me good. 1305 00:58:16,875 --> 00:58:20,292 My daddy fucked me so good. 1306 00:58:20,292 --> 00:58:23,625 It's not his fault. I made him do it. 1307 00:58:23,625 --> 00:58:25,208 I was such a brat. I was 10. 1308 00:58:25,208 --> 00:58:29,458 I was like, "Daddy, fuck me!" The poor guy. 1309 00:58:29,458 --> 00:58:31,542 He's like, "I know I'm spoiling this child, 1310 00:58:31,542 --> 00:58:33,917 but I can't say no." 1311 00:58:33,917 --> 00:58:36,667 [ Laughter ] 1312 00:58:36,667 --> 00:58:37,875 Thank you very much for coming. 1313 00:58:37,875 --> 00:58:40,292 I hope that you enjoyed the show. 1314 00:58:40,292 --> 00:58:42,583 Thank you for coming. Get home safe. 1315 00:58:42,583 --> 00:58:44,208 Thank you. Good night. 1316 00:58:44,208 --> 00:58:47,125 [ Cheers and applause ] 1317 00:58:59,000 --> 00:59:01,708 [ Cheers and applause continues ] 1318 00:59:27,042 --> 00:59:32,125 ♪♪