1
00:01:51,667 --> 00:01:53,709
A swan?
2
00:01:54,251 --> 00:01:56,167
What sort of a swan?
3
00:01:57,667 --> 00:02:01,001
Leda? Who is Leda?
4
00:02:01,834 --> 00:02:04,334
Is she the injured woman?
5
00:02:06,751 --> 00:02:08,751
Laid by whom?
6
00:02:10,709 --> 00:02:14,584
By Jupiter? Was that the cause of death?
7
00:02:17,042 --> 00:02:19,209
A female swan?
8
00:02:19,751 --> 00:02:21,959
How do you know it was female?
9
00:02:23,459 --> 00:02:26,417
Eggs? Egg-bound?
10
00:02:27,459 --> 00:02:31,126
Was it bald? Perhaps it was a goose.
11
00:02:33,584 --> 00:02:35,584
Did it come from the zoo?
12
00:05:23,042 --> 00:05:25,709
How fast does a woman decompose?
13
00:05:25,751 --> 00:05:30,501
Six months. Maybe a year.
Depends on the conditions.
14
00:05:32,459 --> 00:05:34,751
Does being pregnant
make any difference?
15
00:05:34,792 --> 00:05:36,084
No!
16
00:05:36,167 --> 00:05:37,584
And the baby?
17
00:05:37,626 --> 00:05:40,417
- How far gone was she?
- Perhaps 10 weeks.
18
00:05:40,459 --> 00:05:42,751
Then, you'd never know.
19
00:05:52,084 --> 00:05:55,001
I cannot stand the idea
of her rotting away.
20
00:06:00,792 --> 00:06:02,709
What is the first thing that happens?
21
00:06:02,751 --> 00:06:06,001
The first thing that happens is the
bacteria set to work in the intestine.
22
00:06:06,084 --> 00:06:09,209
- What sort of bacteria?
- Bisocosis populi.
23
00:06:10,501 --> 00:06:13,459
There are supposed to be
130,000 Bisocosis
24
00:06:13,542 --> 00:06:15,626
in each lick of a human tongue.
25
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:18,042
250,000 in a French kiss.
26
00:06:18,459 --> 00:06:22,667
First exchange at the very beginning
of creation when Adam kissed Eve.
27
00:06:22,751 --> 00:06:25,876
- Suppose Eve kissed Adam?
- Unlikely!
28
00:06:25,917 --> 00:06:28,626
She used her first 100,000 on the apple.
29
00:06:41,792 --> 00:06:44,751
If the
evolutionary span of life on Earth
30
00:06:44,792 --> 00:06:48,917
is represented by a year of 365 days,
31
00:06:49,584 --> 00:06:55,251
then man made his first appearance
on the evening of the 31st of December,
32
00:06:55,292 --> 00:06:57,626
just as the daylight was fading.
33
00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:04,001
It had taken some 4,000 million years
for that entrance to be made.
34
00:07:04,917 --> 00:07:08,292
A very slow,
uneven progress of life forms,
35
00:07:08,376 --> 00:07:12,501
changing and evolving in a long,
continuous procession.
36
00:07:13,626 --> 00:07:18,876
It's comparatively easy to comprehend
how one species gave way to another.
37
00:07:18,917 --> 00:07:23,584
But perhaps more difficult to understand
the evolutionary leap necessary
38
00:07:23,667 --> 00:07:28,042
to bridge the most sophisticated
of the apes, with man.
39
00:07:28,084 --> 00:07:29,751
And more difficult, still,
40
00:07:29,834 --> 00:07:33,084
to contemplate
how life could create itself,
41
00:07:33,126 --> 00:07:35,251
apparently, out of nothing.
42
00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:42,376
The conditions
for the origin of life on Earth
43
00:07:42,417 --> 00:07:44,167
can never be reproduced again.
44
00:07:44,667 --> 00:07:47,667
The atmosphere is now rich in oxygen,
45
00:07:47,751 --> 00:07:52,084
the necessary ingredient
for the respiratory life of all animals.
46
00:07:58,417 --> 00:08:02,084
But in the beginning
there was little or no oxygen.
47
00:08:02,126 --> 00:08:06,792
There was methane, ammonia,
carbon monoxide, water,
48
00:08:06,876 --> 00:08:12,542
electrical storms, ultraviolet light,
the first carbon compounds.
49
00:08:13,042 --> 00:08:17,792
And around volcanic springs like these,
an abundance of hydrogen.
50
00:08:17,876 --> 00:08:19,792
These conditions were advantageous
51
00:08:19,876 --> 00:08:24,751
for the formation of the first
cyanophytes or blue-green algae.
52
00:08:24,834 --> 00:08:27,584
Their Utilisation of hydrogen in water,
53
00:08:27,626 --> 00:08:30,876
using chlorophyll
in the process of photosynthesis
54
00:08:30,917 --> 00:08:34,251
liberated oxygen in abundant quantities
55
00:08:34,334 --> 00:08:37,876
to change radically
the atmosphere of the Earth.
56
00:08:37,917 --> 00:08:40,917
Their arrival marks a major step
57
00:08:41,001 --> 00:08:44,667
towards the evolution
of higher forms of life.
58
00:08:46,542 --> 00:08:48,334
How are you feeling?
59
00:08:50,584 --> 00:08:52,126
Short of a leg.
60
00:08:53,751 --> 00:08:58,251
In the land of the legless,
the one-legged woman is queen.
61
00:09:00,584 --> 00:09:05,376
There was a legless whore in Marseilles
during the war, who was very wealthy.
62
00:09:06,167 --> 00:09:09,209
She seldom left her bed,
because she couldn't.
63
00:09:09,251 --> 00:09:12,501
She'd had both her legs
amputated at the groin.
64
00:09:12,584 --> 00:09:15,084
Imagine that, gentlemen,
65
00:09:15,167 --> 00:09:17,917
no limbs to hinder entry.
66
00:09:19,084 --> 00:09:22,459
She was treated
with great affection and regard
67
00:09:23,417 --> 00:09:25,876
and had a great many lovers.
68
00:09:26,792 --> 00:09:27,917
She died young.
69
00:09:28,667 --> 00:09:30,501
Some of her lovers thought,
70
00:09:30,584 --> 00:09:33,501
she might liked to be buried
in a short coffin.
71
00:09:34,251 --> 00:09:39,167
Others thought that the empty space
should be filled with flowers.
72
00:09:39,251 --> 00:09:41,084
In the end, of course,
her family turned up
73
00:09:41,167 --> 00:09:43,501
and they had the corpse
fitted with artificial legs.
74
00:09:45,626 --> 00:09:47,626
Imagine that!
75
00:09:48,876 --> 00:09:52,959
The body, in all its delicious detail,
76
00:09:53,834 --> 00:09:55,084
fading away,
77
00:09:56,084 --> 00:09:59,917
leaving a skeleton with iron legs.
78
00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:04,959
Especially, since the legs had been made
for a man called Felipe Arc-en-Ciel.
79
00:10:05,042 --> 00:10:07,459
You've been very thorough
in your research.
80
00:10:07,542 --> 00:10:09,001
I made it up.
81
00:10:10,126 --> 00:10:14,084
I have now to find a Felipe Arc-en-Ciel
to stop my crying,
82
00:10:15,251 --> 00:10:20,126
to discover what it is to have
your legs borrowed by a dead woman.
83
00:10:21,251 --> 00:10:25,126
- How is your daughter?
- Beta is fine.
84
00:10:25,209 --> 00:10:28,292
She says, my leg has walked off
with a Dutchman.
85
00:11:28,459 --> 00:11:32,501
- Morning, Venus! How are the zebras?
- Black and white.
86
00:11:37,751 --> 00:11:40,501
Good morning, Milo, what are you doing?
87
00:11:40,584 --> 00:11:43,834
Just come to see if you're
looking after the animals properly.
88
00:11:43,917 --> 00:11:46,084
You can come and take care of me.
89
00:11:46,126 --> 00:11:49,251
- Where could I do that?
- Back of the panda cages.
90
00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:50,768
We might give them
a little encouragement.
91
00:11:50,792 --> 00:11:52,501
There's no bed there.
92
00:11:52,584 --> 00:11:57,459
- Since when have you needed a bed, Milo?
- Since my back ached, just now!
93
00:11:59,042 --> 00:12:01,626
I'll give you...
94
00:12:01,709 --> 00:12:03,292
..£5
95
00:12:04,417 --> 00:12:07,334
and two pounds of zebra steak.
96
00:12:07,417 --> 00:12:10,084
Do the owls go hungry for your pleasure?
97
00:12:10,126 --> 00:12:11,417
Not yours.
98
00:12:11,459 --> 00:12:15,292
Owls aren't that fussy.
They'll eat anything, even a lizard.
99
00:12:15,376 --> 00:12:19,417
Would you rather have a lizard
or a zebra afterbirth?
100
00:12:21,626 --> 00:12:23,126
Tell me, Milo!
101
00:12:23,751 --> 00:12:25,542
Do you think a zebra
102
00:12:25,584 --> 00:12:30,251
is a white animal with black stripes
or a black animal with white stripes?
103
00:12:34,542 --> 00:12:36,417
Carry my shoes for me.
104
00:12:38,251 --> 00:12:40,792
There used to be a bed in the back
of the vulture cages.
105
00:12:40,876 --> 00:12:45,751
Ah! You were younger then.
Now you have less to bargain with.
106
00:12:45,834 --> 00:12:49,084
- Now I have experience.
- With animals?
107
00:12:52,751 --> 00:12:54,376
All right, then!
108
00:12:56,167 --> 00:13:00,042
I'll give you four pounds of cow's liver
and a drink.
109
00:13:01,251 --> 00:13:03,352
Or we might have to see about
your licence to practise.
110
00:13:03,376 --> 00:13:07,376
You only have to have a licence
to start a zoo, not to stock it.
111
00:13:07,417 --> 00:13:09,501
You could start a zoo, Hoyten.
112
00:13:09,584 --> 00:13:12,501
Though you'd have to pay me to visit it.
113
00:13:12,584 --> 00:13:14,751
You can keep your free meat.
114
00:13:14,792 --> 00:13:18,417
I'll take £10 for half an hour
115
00:13:18,959 --> 00:13:21,501
and the tail feathers
of an American bald eagle.
116
00:13:21,584 --> 00:13:24,251
- You're making a hat?
- No.
117
00:13:24,959 --> 00:13:26,751
I'm writing a dirty story.
118
00:13:26,792 --> 00:13:28,751
We don't have an American bald eagle.
119
00:13:28,792 --> 00:13:32,001
Oh, I was forgetting,
it's a black and white bird.
120
00:13:33,126 --> 00:13:35,709
Then I'll settle for an introduction
to Oliver and Oswald.
121
00:13:35,751 --> 00:13:37,084
What do you want with them?
122
00:13:37,167 --> 00:13:42,417
I could help.
Their wives have died and I need a bath.
123
00:13:42,459 --> 00:13:45,417
You can have a bath,
provided I can watch.
124
00:13:45,459 --> 00:13:47,459
Surprise, surprise!
125
00:13:47,542 --> 00:13:50,792
That's what all we animals
are here for, isn't it?
126
00:14:29,084 --> 00:14:31,084
In a spoonful of pond water,
127
00:14:31,167 --> 00:14:35,042
there may be as many as
10,000 minute organisms.
128
00:14:35,501 --> 00:14:39,001
In the seas there are uncountable
numbers of creatures.
129
00:14:39,584 --> 00:14:42,542
Myriads of simply structured organisms,
130
00:14:42,584 --> 00:14:47,417
whose ancestors began to appear some,
2,000 million years ago
131
00:14:47,459 --> 00:14:51,251
from among the primitive bacteria
and the first algae.
132
00:14:59,251 --> 00:15:01,876
Oliver, I'm sorry about your bad news.
133
00:15:06,292 --> 00:15:07,917
Can the zoo help?
134
00:15:13,292 --> 00:15:17,084
- What are you watching?
- The beginnings of life.
135
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:20,209
- It's cathartic.
- What is?
136
00:15:20,251 --> 00:15:22,542
Watching life begin.
137
00:15:22,584 --> 00:15:23,959
- Yes?
- Yes!
138
00:15:24,042 --> 00:15:26,126
'Cause I know how it ends.
139
00:15:26,209 --> 00:15:29,209
- How does it end?
- With a swan.
140
00:15:29,584 --> 00:15:31,084
- Oh, yes.
- And a white car,
141
00:15:31,167 --> 00:15:35,376
a Ford Mercury,
registration number, NID26BW,
142
00:15:35,417 --> 00:15:37,209
driven by a woman with flaming red hair,
143
00:15:37,251 --> 00:15:40,417
surrounded by white feathers,
called Alba Bewick.
144
00:15:41,417 --> 00:15:44,751
Then I'm sorry that
you'll find this film inaccurate.
145
00:15:44,792 --> 00:15:47,792
Oh, don't ruin it for me, Fallast.
146
00:15:47,876 --> 00:15:52,292
I'm going to take it in stages.
Needs absorbing.
147
00:15:53,251 --> 00:15:54,560
I'm sure I must have got it wrong before
148
00:15:54,584 --> 00:15:56,417
and I'm on the lookout for clues.
149
00:15:56,501 --> 00:15:58,501
What sort of clues?
150
00:15:58,584 --> 00:16:02,251
Gonna try and separate the true clues
and the red herrings.
151
00:16:04,834 --> 00:16:08,584
I'm told, that all eight parts
of the second copy of this film
152
00:16:08,626 --> 00:16:09,917
are out on loan as well.
153
00:16:10,959 --> 00:16:14,834
Perhaps someone else
is also looking for red herrings.
154
00:16:14,917 --> 00:16:17,584
Myriads of simply-structured organisms,
155
00:16:17,626 --> 00:16:22,709
whose ancestors began to appear some,
2,000 million years ago
156
00:16:22,751 --> 00:16:26,376
from among the primitive bacteria
and the first algae.
157
00:16:28,084 --> 00:16:31,084
Protozoa, primitive jellyfish,
158
00:16:31,126 --> 00:16:34,917
sponges, coral polyps, colonisers.
159
00:16:36,167 --> 00:16:40,959
Innumerable individuals
making the first oceans a rich soup,
160
00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:45,834
ripe for the further and more
sophisticated development of life forms.
161
00:16:48,126 --> 00:16:50,917
Oliver, entrez!
162
00:16:53,042 --> 00:16:57,751
- Where is Oswald?
- Uh, he's just working.
163
00:16:59,084 --> 00:17:02,334
Work consoles him, I think.
164
00:17:06,417 --> 00:17:08,751
How did you first know my wife?
165
00:17:09,251 --> 00:17:12,542
I met her at the zoo with my daughter,
166
00:17:12,584 --> 00:17:16,084
when I took to Beta to the insect house
to watch butterflies.
167
00:17:17,084 --> 00:17:20,292
Your wife said they should be let free.
168
00:17:21,501 --> 00:17:24,042
She didn't approve of zoos, did she?
169
00:17:27,084 --> 00:17:29,876
Why is your
daughter called Beta?
170
00:17:29,917 --> 00:17:34,917
Alpha, Beta, Gamma.
I wanted 26 children.
171
00:17:35,001 --> 00:17:38,459
Beta wasn't the first.
The first one died.
172
00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:42,584
I had an infection, mercury poisoning.
173
00:17:43,084 --> 00:17:46,001
Where I come from,
you take mercury to procure an abortion.
174
00:17:46,084 --> 00:17:49,126
There aren't 26 letters in the Greek
alphabet, there's only 23.
175
00:17:49,626 --> 00:17:53,792
- What's Oswald Deuce doing here?
- Watching an apple fade away.
176
00:17:54,459 --> 00:17:56,251
How original!
177
00:17:56,959 --> 00:17:59,126
- "A" is for...
- Angelfish.
178
00:17:59,209 --> 00:18:01,209
- "B" is for...
- Butterfly.
179
00:18:08,251 --> 00:18:10,584
Do you think that's wise?
180
00:18:11,417 --> 00:18:13,542
There are too many of them.
181
00:18:14,042 --> 00:18:16,126
Will they survive the cold?
182
00:18:17,251 --> 00:18:19,251
This zoo is too crowded.
183
00:18:22,334 --> 00:18:24,667
Bit too many staff, for a start.
184
00:18:25,501 --> 00:18:28,792
Haven't you got anything
better to do than watch me?
185
00:18:36,501 --> 00:18:39,126
Venus De Milo's been asking after you.
186
00:18:41,084 --> 00:18:44,376
I cannot stand the idea
of her body rotting away
187
00:18:45,209 --> 00:18:46,626
for nothing.
188
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:49,542
Or was it for some reason?
189
00:18:58,084 --> 00:18:59,167
Where's this?
190
00:19:00,626 --> 00:19:04,459
It's where I was born.
It's called L'Escargot.
191
00:19:07,126 --> 00:19:09,917
Tell me what happened,
in detail.
192
00:19:10,584 --> 00:19:12,542
You know what happened.
193
00:19:14,251 --> 00:19:16,011
Paula and Griselda
were shopping for china...
194
00:19:16,084 --> 00:19:20,917
- What was Griselda wearing?
- A green hat, black shoes.
195
00:19:20,959 --> 00:19:23,917
- We left there about 3:00...
- Was she wearing a scarf?
196
00:19:23,959 --> 00:19:27,251
Yes. We turned out
of the car park and then...
197
00:19:27,292 --> 00:19:29,292
Why was she buying china?
198
00:19:29,917 --> 00:19:34,751
She said she needed china.
She bought 6 soup-bowls...
199
00:19:34,792 --> 00:19:36,917
What were they like?
200
00:19:36,959 --> 00:19:42,042
They were white with blue markings
and an egg-timer and a milk-jug.
201
00:19:42,084 --> 00:19:45,959
An egg-timer? What the hell
did she want with an egg-timer?
202
00:19:46,042 --> 00:19:47,584
I imagine, Oswald, to time eggs.
203
00:19:47,667 --> 00:19:52,167
- Well, why would she want to time eggs?
- Oswald, think what you're saying.
204
00:19:53,084 --> 00:19:54,959
What else did she buy?
205
00:19:55,876 --> 00:19:58,501
Paula wanted to go to the fishmonger.
206
00:19:59,084 --> 00:20:01,459
- I bought a lobster.
- Why did you buy a lobster for?
207
00:20:01,542 --> 00:20:06,001
- Oswald, this is getting silly.
- Did my wife buy anything?
208
00:20:06,751 --> 00:20:09,167
Oh, yes, prawns.
209
00:20:09,251 --> 00:20:10,917
- Prawns?
- Yes!
210
00:20:12,251 --> 00:20:15,417
Thank you! That will do for now.
211
00:20:15,459 --> 00:20:17,584
But all this is a long way back
in the story.
212
00:20:17,667 --> 00:20:19,417
Oh, well. Thank you, for telling me.
213
00:20:19,459 --> 00:20:21,751
Oswald, where are you going?
214
00:20:22,459 --> 00:20:25,167
The variety of shape, form and structure
215
00:20:25,251 --> 00:20:28,959
in the development of animals
at this time is extraordinary.
216
00:20:29,834 --> 00:20:33,542
Side-scuttling crabs,
slow-moving snails,
217
00:20:33,584 --> 00:20:37,834
animals that look like stones,
that take on the colour of sand,
218
00:20:37,917 --> 00:20:41,126
animals that resemble plants,
that scavenge,
219
00:20:41,209 --> 00:20:44,126
that develop poisons
and stinging apparatus,
220
00:20:44,209 --> 00:20:47,084
that live on detritus and each other,
221
00:20:47,126 --> 00:20:51,876
creating systems of defence and attack,
whose ingenuity is limitless.
222
00:20:56,209 --> 00:20:58,501
Anything in the papers, then?
223
00:20:59,209 --> 00:21:02,126
- Why don't you sit down, Plate?
- Thanks very much, Oliver.
224
00:21:02,209 --> 00:21:03,792
I heard you was in here.
225
00:21:03,876 --> 00:21:07,751
- There's a funny smell in here.
- It's me, I've stopped washing.
226
00:21:08,917 --> 00:21:10,227
Now, I'm sorry,
to hear about your wife.
227
00:21:10,251 --> 00:21:11,876
So am I.
228
00:21:13,792 --> 00:21:16,709
Venus De Milo has been asking after you.
229
00:21:19,042 --> 00:21:21,376
Everyone's pimp and messenger,
eh, Plate?
230
00:21:21,417 --> 00:21:22,751
Suit yourself.
231
00:22:41,334 --> 00:22:43,584
Milo,
have you ever done it with animals?
232
00:22:43,876 --> 00:22:45,876
If that's what you want,
if it would help,
233
00:22:45,917 --> 00:22:47,626
I could invent for you.
234
00:22:47,709 --> 00:22:50,042
It'll cost £5 a story.
235
00:22:50,084 --> 00:22:55,626
That's what Anaïs Nin charged in 1927,
only she did it professionally.
236
00:22:55,709 --> 00:22:58,584
I haven't started professionally, yet.
237
00:22:58,626 --> 00:23:02,542
£5 or an introduction to a publisher.
238
00:23:03,167 --> 00:23:07,834
- Or a credit note to a large bookshop...
- That's all right! All right, go on!
239
00:23:09,751 --> 00:23:12,876
Once upon a time,
there were three bears...
240
00:23:12,917 --> 00:23:14,251
No nursery stories.
241
00:23:14,334 --> 00:23:16,792
No? All right.
242
00:23:18,584 --> 00:23:24,251
A circus owner in Anchorage
kept a polar bear called Fairbanks
243
00:23:24,292 --> 00:23:26,251
to entertain Eskimo wives...
244
00:23:26,292 --> 00:23:29,126
Unlikely!
And how come you know about Alaska?
245
00:23:29,209 --> 00:23:31,334
I was attentive in geography.
246
00:23:31,417 --> 00:23:35,667
The bear had a narrow snout,
247
00:23:35,751 --> 00:23:40,501
a sweet nature,
and a rough and probing tongue.
248
00:23:40,584 --> 00:23:42,042
It also liked honey...
249
00:23:42,084 --> 00:23:44,084
It's beginning to sound
like a bedtime story.
250
00:23:44,126 --> 00:23:46,917
- Isn't that just what you wanted?
- And there are no bees in Alaska.
251
00:23:47,001 --> 00:23:49,834
There are as many bees
in Alaska as snails.
252
00:23:50,876 --> 00:23:52,417
Why do you like snails?
253
00:23:52,459 --> 00:23:54,084
They're a nice
primitive form of life.
254
00:23:54,126 --> 00:23:56,126
They helped the world decay
255
00:23:56,209 --> 00:23:59,126
and they're hermaphrodite
and can satisfy their own sexual needs.
256
00:23:59,209 --> 00:24:01,959
- I don't believe it.
- Neither do I.
257
00:24:02,042 --> 00:24:06,084
The circus owner by leasing out
the bear with a jar of honey
258
00:24:06,167 --> 00:24:08,459
had two profitable sources of income.
259
00:24:08,542 --> 00:24:11,584
God, Milo! This is another
whingeing story about money.
260
00:24:11,626 --> 00:24:14,917
- And I disapprove of circuses.
- I disapprove of zoos.
261
00:24:15,001 --> 00:24:16,792
Just shut up and get out.
262
00:24:16,876 --> 00:24:18,626
But I haven't got to the erotic bit yet.
263
00:24:18,709 --> 00:24:19,917
Get out!
264
00:24:20,751 --> 00:24:22,001
Get out!
265
00:24:24,834 --> 00:24:25,876
Get out!
266
00:24:25,917 --> 00:24:27,584
Oh, mind your snail!
267
00:24:27,667 --> 00:24:29,084
Out!
268
00:24:29,542 --> 00:24:31,084
Get out! Go on!
269
00:24:35,542 --> 00:24:36,709
Out!
270
00:24:39,126 --> 00:24:44,917
♪ If you go down to the woods today
You'd better go in disguise
271
00:24:46,126 --> 00:24:50,792
♪ If you go down to the woods today
Be sure of...
272
00:24:51,084 --> 00:24:54,001
Be careful with those,
you stupid idiot!
273
00:24:54,084 --> 00:24:57,417
It's best mohair.
I spent a lot of time on this suit.
274
00:24:58,584 --> 00:25:04,126
♪ If you go down to the woods today
You'd better go in disguise
275
00:25:04,792 --> 00:25:11,126
♪ If you go down to the woods today
Be sure of a big surprise
276
00:25:11,959 --> 00:25:15,126
What sort of stories does
your brother Oswald like?
277
00:25:15,209 --> 00:25:17,751
Why don't you go and ask him?
278
00:25:19,042 --> 00:25:23,376
♪ At six o'clock
their mummies and daddies
279
00:25:24,042 --> 00:25:27,001
♪ Will take them home to bed
280
00:25:27,917 --> 00:25:30,167
♪ Because they're tired
281
00:25:31,417 --> 00:25:35,001
♪ Little teddy bears ♪
282
00:25:47,167 --> 00:25:50,584
And leave those little snails alone,
you dirty old man.
283
00:26:06,584 --> 00:26:09,917
Oh, Lord! It's Oswald Deuce again!
284
00:26:10,001 --> 00:26:11,167
What's he up to?
285
00:26:11,501 --> 00:26:14,626
What's the connection
between apples and prawns?
286
00:26:15,459 --> 00:26:18,084
What do gone off prawns remind you of?
287
00:26:18,751 --> 00:26:22,917
And what's the betting all of Oswald's
wives smells like that there?
288
00:26:23,751 --> 00:26:27,167
Maybe he enjoyed the smell so much,
he's trying to recapture it.
289
00:26:27,251 --> 00:26:28,667
You're disgusting!
290
00:26:28,751 --> 00:26:31,917
You are too prim for words.
Make him eat a prawn!
291
00:26:37,751 --> 00:26:38,751
Oswald won't mind.
292
00:26:40,959 --> 00:26:43,042
Take that off. Put this on.
293
00:26:53,709 --> 00:26:55,584
It belongs to my wife.
294
00:27:01,001 --> 00:27:02,459
And this hat.
295
00:27:17,751 --> 00:27:19,959
Open the coat down the front.
296
00:27:24,917 --> 00:27:26,417
Fold your arms.
297
00:27:30,334 --> 00:27:31,959
All right, begin.
298
00:27:33,417 --> 00:27:37,251
In Botswana,
they kept a bull in a cave...
299
00:27:37,334 --> 00:27:38,834
I've heard it.
300
00:27:39,376 --> 00:27:41,459
You have? Hmm.
301
00:27:43,042 --> 00:27:44,167
Well...
302
00:27:44,917 --> 00:27:49,001
In the 1870s,
in the Regent's Park Zoo in London
303
00:27:50,584 --> 00:27:55,751
there was an enclosure
reserved for certain rare animals
304
00:27:55,792 --> 00:28:01,459
that came to be called,
"The Obscene Animals Enclosure."
305
00:28:04,584 --> 00:28:08,584
One of the animals,
in this special enclosure,
306
00:28:08,626 --> 00:28:13,084
was a toad.
At least it had the body of a toad.
307
00:28:13,334 --> 00:28:15,626
It was all your bloody fault!
308
00:28:15,709 --> 00:28:18,084
- What was?
- The death of my wife!
309
00:28:18,167 --> 00:28:19,459
I see.
310
00:28:19,542 --> 00:28:25,084
I'm expected to have a pilot's licence?
How could I anticipate swans?
311
00:28:25,751 --> 00:28:29,626
You were wearing white feathers
and you were driving a Ford Mercury.
312
00:28:29,709 --> 00:28:32,917
- So?
- You were asking for trouble.
313
00:28:33,001 --> 00:28:34,084
Why?
314
00:28:34,834 --> 00:28:38,001
You said you took mercury
to procure an abortion.
315
00:28:38,751 --> 00:28:40,584
You were pregnant.
316
00:28:40,667 --> 00:28:43,417
How the hell did you know
I was pregnant?
317
00:28:43,751 --> 00:28:46,584
Pregnant women
are notoriously unreliable.
318
00:28:48,751 --> 00:28:52,251
Especially, when they're trying
to procure an abortion.
319
00:28:52,917 --> 00:28:56,209
It was all your fault, you bitch!
320
00:28:56,251 --> 00:28:57,459
Oliver!
321
00:29:08,251 --> 00:29:10,667
Was my story worth £10?
322
00:29:10,751 --> 00:29:14,417
I normally get 25 for 4,000 words.
323
00:29:14,501 --> 00:29:17,792
That's one-eighth of what Pauline Réage
got for The Story of O.
324
00:29:20,251 --> 00:29:22,251
- Did I tell it well?
- Yes!
325
00:29:23,417 --> 00:29:26,292
Write it down,
I'll see it gets published.
326
00:29:26,376 --> 00:29:28,584
That's what your brother said.
327
00:29:28,667 --> 00:29:29,834
Is it?
328
00:29:32,709 --> 00:29:36,167
Isn't it time you and he
became a little more friendly?
329
00:29:37,251 --> 00:29:38,667
How is he?
330
00:29:40,709 --> 00:29:42,376
He's miserable
331
00:29:44,042 --> 00:29:45,626
like you.
332
00:29:49,542 --> 00:29:52,042
Oliver says,
that rot starts in the stomach.
333
00:29:52,084 --> 00:29:53,417
With an apple?
334
00:29:53,459 --> 00:29:57,417
In the intestines,
in the liver, pancreas,
335
00:29:57,459 --> 00:30:00,876
the spleen, near the womb.
336
00:30:02,126 --> 00:30:06,334
I'm going to see Oliver.
Do you want me to give him a message?
337
00:30:07,459 --> 00:30:10,001
No, I've got nothing to say.
338
00:30:10,334 --> 00:30:14,501
Yes, tell him to look after himself.
339
00:30:53,084 --> 00:30:54,292
Oliver!
340
00:30:55,542 --> 00:30:57,834
Oliver, what the hell are you doing?
341
00:30:57,917 --> 00:30:59,709
I'm having breakfast.
342
00:31:21,167 --> 00:31:23,126
Stop it, you bloody idiot!
343
00:31:26,126 --> 00:31:29,126
- You pathetic idiot!
- It's only ice.
344
00:31:29,209 --> 00:31:31,126
Ice floats
and you don't put ice in wine.
345
00:31:31,209 --> 00:31:34,292
Since when has etiquette
been your strong point?
346
00:31:34,917 --> 00:31:37,751
Oh, all right.
Phone for an ambulance, I've had enough.
347
00:31:37,834 --> 00:31:39,167
Thank you.
348
00:31:39,751 --> 00:31:41,917
- Shall I call for Oswald?
- No!
349
00:31:42,959 --> 00:31:44,959
All right, yes.
350
00:31:45,917 --> 00:31:50,292
Tell him, I'm bleeding. He'll come.
351
00:31:51,584 --> 00:31:53,584
He always used to come
when I was bleeding.
352
00:31:57,417 --> 00:31:58,751
What's Oliver looking for?
353
00:31:58,834 --> 00:32:02,417
I don't know.
I mean, look at all this stuff.
354
00:32:05,417 --> 00:32:08,209
Maybe he's looking for an answer
to his wife's death.
355
00:32:08,251 --> 00:32:11,042
He will not find it here.
This is just a straightforward account.
356
00:32:12,209 --> 00:32:13,251
The squid
357
00:32:13,292 --> 00:32:16,084
is among the most intelligent
of the invertebrates.
358
00:32:16,167 --> 00:32:18,876
Darwin was a good storyteller.
359
00:32:19,667 --> 00:32:22,209
Both brothers have taken out a copy.
360
00:32:22,959 --> 00:32:25,251
Have I got to sit through them all?
361
00:32:25,334 --> 00:32:28,376
There are eight parts.
This is only the third.
362
00:32:29,292 --> 00:32:32,167
God, it's all such a dreary fiction.
363
00:32:35,334 --> 00:32:38,251
You were right.
Though I didn't deserve this, okay?
364
00:32:38,292 --> 00:32:39,626
How was he right?
365
00:32:39,876 --> 00:32:41,417
I was pregnant.
366
00:32:42,251 --> 00:32:46,917
I not only lost a leg in that crash,
I lost a child.
367
00:32:47,292 --> 00:32:50,209
Though I wasn't,
by any means, trying to.
368
00:32:50,251 --> 00:32:53,084
Gamma is not
a very good name for a child.
369
00:32:53,626 --> 00:32:56,667
I have yet to work out my greater loss.
370
00:32:59,251 --> 00:33:02,959
But I know that I want another leg
and another child.
371
00:33:05,251 --> 00:33:09,584
As you can see,
it was inferior china.
372
00:33:09,667 --> 00:33:12,084
What do you want
to keep those for?
373
00:33:12,334 --> 00:33:14,667
Throw them away, you stupid boy!
374
00:33:25,751 --> 00:33:28,667
I'd like to see this place.
375
00:33:32,001 --> 00:33:34,001
Then go and see it.
376
00:33:35,542 --> 00:33:38,251
And come back and tell me,
how it's getting on.
377
00:33:38,292 --> 00:33:39,876
The key is in my bag.
378
00:33:40,667 --> 00:33:42,542
You could go together.
379
00:33:43,917 --> 00:33:45,542
So who found you?
380
00:33:46,126 --> 00:33:48,251
- De Milo.
- Who is she?
381
00:33:48,334 --> 00:33:51,292
Actually, her trade name is Venus,
her clients call her De Milo.
382
00:33:51,792 --> 00:33:53,376
The seamstress.
383
00:33:54,292 --> 00:33:56,084
She's a beautiful stitcher.
384
00:33:56,751 --> 00:33:57,935
When she's not watching the zebras,
385
00:33:57,959 --> 00:34:00,042
she meets her clients
at the panda house.
386
00:34:00,084 --> 00:34:02,501
Oh! And what's her speciality?
387
00:34:03,584 --> 00:34:04,834
Bamboo.
388
00:34:17,417 --> 00:34:20,251
- "J" is for...
- Jaguar.
389
00:34:20,334 --> 00:34:23,751
- "K" is for...
- Kangaroo.
390
00:34:23,792 --> 00:34:25,917
- "L" is for...
- Lion.
391
00:34:26,001 --> 00:34:28,334
- "M" is for...
- Monkey.
392
00:34:36,459 --> 00:34:38,417
Mon dieu, Oswald! What's this?
393
00:34:38,501 --> 00:34:40,626
Prawns on their way back.
394
00:34:40,709 --> 00:34:43,959
- Way back?
- To where they came from.
395
00:34:44,042 --> 00:34:47,126
Ooze, slime, murk...
396
00:34:54,542 --> 00:34:55,584
Ooh, I'm still alive.
397
00:34:55,667 --> 00:34:57,626
Someone's being tampering
with my experiment.
398
00:34:57,709 --> 00:35:00,167
Or perhaps they were hungry.
399
00:35:00,251 --> 00:35:02,417
Who the hell is he?
400
00:35:02,501 --> 00:35:05,209
He's the surgeon who removed my leg.
401
00:35:05,917 --> 00:35:09,042
He wants to be a painter,
a Dutch painter.
402
00:35:09,084 --> 00:35:12,167
In fact, the Dutch painter Vermeer,
no less!
403
00:35:12,251 --> 00:35:14,042
Vermeer
only painted 26 paintings
404
00:35:14,084 --> 00:35:15,417
and three of those are dubious.
405
00:35:15,459 --> 00:35:16,501
That's enough.
406
00:35:16,584 --> 00:35:20,376
Obviously not!
Van Meegeren tried to paint some more.
407
00:35:20,959 --> 00:35:23,084
- That's his name!
- Who's name?
408
00:35:23,126 --> 00:35:25,042
- The surgeon's.
- Pardon?
409
00:35:25,084 --> 00:35:26,834
Van Meegeren.
410
00:35:26,917 --> 00:35:30,376
He's the cousin of the faker
who painted fake Vermeers.
411
00:35:31,084 --> 00:35:32,959
What's his speciality?
412
00:35:33,584 --> 00:35:35,251
Vermeer women.
413
00:35:36,376 --> 00:35:40,584
Van Meegeren says, I look like
the lady standing at a virginal.
414
00:35:41,709 --> 00:35:44,709
I suspect it's because
you never see her legs.
415
00:35:45,667 --> 00:35:47,709
She's not standing really.
416
00:35:48,167 --> 00:35:50,917
She's strapped and stitched
to her music stool.
417
00:35:51,959 --> 00:35:54,751
Van Meegeren has a great reputation
for stitching.
418
00:35:54,834 --> 00:35:56,167
Stitching?
419
00:35:56,751 --> 00:36:00,584
Suturing. Sewing up wounds. Operations.
420
00:36:02,334 --> 00:36:04,667
He's made a beautiful job on me.
421
00:36:05,584 --> 00:36:07,501
- Look.
- No, I can't.
422
00:36:07,584 --> 00:36:09,334
- Why not?
- Because...
423
00:36:11,917 --> 00:36:13,709
You see what I mean?
424
00:36:14,542 --> 00:36:15,959
I can see more than that.
425
00:36:16,042 --> 00:36:18,167
Oh! That, well...
426
00:36:19,709 --> 00:36:22,334
That's pretty redundant now, isn't it?
427
00:36:23,417 --> 00:36:25,626
I mean, except to pee through.
428
00:36:28,042 --> 00:36:29,167
I want you to make sure
429
00:36:29,251 --> 00:36:32,667
those two brothers don't
get too close to Alba Bewick.
430
00:36:33,334 --> 00:36:34,959
How do I do that?
431
00:36:35,792 --> 00:36:37,292
Distract them.
432
00:36:38,209 --> 00:36:39,876
As only you know how.
433
00:36:43,292 --> 00:36:45,584
What's in it for me?
434
00:36:45,626 --> 00:36:47,126
My patients...
435
00:36:48,167 --> 00:36:50,251
Our patients that'd be.
436
00:36:50,334 --> 00:36:54,334
And a continuing place
in my operating theatre,
437
00:36:55,001 --> 00:36:56,667
and in my bed.
438
00:37:07,834 --> 00:37:09,042
Oliver!
439
00:37:09,084 --> 00:37:13,001
I was thinking, at the crash,
which way was the wind blowing?
440
00:37:14,209 --> 00:37:15,893
Was it blowing off the buildings
at the north side,
441
00:37:15,917 --> 00:37:17,584
or the buildings on the south side?
442
00:37:17,667 --> 00:37:19,917
Stop, Oliver, enough.
443
00:37:19,959 --> 00:37:23,751
You've got to stop!
What difference does it make?
444
00:37:23,792 --> 00:37:26,959
You exhaust me with your obsessions.
Both of you!
445
00:37:27,042 --> 00:37:28,751
You're our only witness.
446
00:37:28,792 --> 00:37:31,001
What sort of witness was I?
447
00:37:31,084 --> 00:37:35,292
In searing pain?
A face full of feathers? An egg yolk?
448
00:37:35,376 --> 00:37:40,417
My leg smashed to pulp, bleeding.
And you ask me for wind directions.
449
00:37:42,167 --> 00:37:43,376
Sorry.
450
00:37:45,459 --> 00:37:47,876
- Where's Beta?
- She's with Oswald.
451
00:37:48,876 --> 00:37:52,251
Look, it was an accident.
452
00:37:52,292 --> 00:37:54,876
5,000 accidents happen every day.
453
00:37:54,917 --> 00:37:57,542
- This one's...
- Bizarre, tragic, farcical!
454
00:37:57,584 --> 00:38:00,251
- This one is different...
- They're acts of God!
455
00:38:00,334 --> 00:38:04,417
Fit only to amaze the survivors
and irritate the insurance company.
456
00:38:04,459 --> 00:38:06,584
This one is different, for God's sake!
457
00:38:06,626 --> 00:38:07,709
Is it?
458
00:38:07,751 --> 00:38:11,626
The wives of two zoologists die in a car
driven by a woman called Bewick,
459
00:38:11,709 --> 00:38:14,167
who's attacked by a swan on Swan's Way!
460
00:38:14,251 --> 00:38:18,626
You are already beginning to build
yourself a case for the supernatural.
461
00:38:18,709 --> 00:38:21,376
But another set of details,
from the same crash,
462
00:38:21,417 --> 00:38:24,376
could produce something
completely different!
463
00:38:36,792 --> 00:38:38,501
And what about me?
464
00:38:39,501 --> 00:38:42,001
Don't I deserve some consideration?
465
00:38:44,209 --> 00:38:48,584
With a daughter, who can't sit still,
and why should she?
466
00:38:50,001 --> 00:38:52,209
Take her out for me, will you?
467
00:38:52,917 --> 00:38:56,876
Van Meegeren is going to fit me
with an artificial leg tomorrow.
468
00:38:58,709 --> 00:38:59,917
Kiss me.
469
00:39:00,917 --> 00:39:04,667
I haven't been kissed since your wife
kissed me a month ago.
470
00:39:05,584 --> 00:39:07,417
Kiss me on the cheek.
471
00:39:07,876 --> 00:39:10,126
Here, where she did.
472
00:39:26,126 --> 00:39:27,751
And the ostrich eats anything at all.
473
00:39:28,167 --> 00:39:30,459
And buries its head in the sand
when it's afraid.
474
00:39:30,959 --> 00:39:35,084
- And the elephant lives to be 100.
- And never forgets a face.
475
00:39:35,584 --> 00:39:39,126
So, you see between us,
we know everything.
476
00:39:39,209 --> 00:39:40,751
You don't know everything.
477
00:39:41,459 --> 00:39:42,917
Between us, we do.
478
00:39:43,209 --> 00:39:44,792
All right, then.
479
00:39:46,084 --> 00:39:48,334
You see that woman over there?
480
00:39:49,042 --> 00:39:51,667
What colour knickers is she wearing?
481
00:39:51,751 --> 00:39:54,001
- Red ones, to match her hat.
- No, she isn't.
482
00:39:54,084 --> 00:39:56,084
- How do you know?
- I know.
483
00:39:58,376 --> 00:40:00,167
Well, Oliver,
484
00:40:00,251 --> 00:40:02,959
you could always go and ask
and find out.
485
00:40:04,084 --> 00:40:05,584
Go on, ask her.
486
00:40:18,459 --> 00:40:20,501
Excuse me, madam,
I'm sorry to bother you.
487
00:40:20,584 --> 00:40:22,792
I think we may just have met before.
488
00:40:22,876 --> 00:40:26,042
May I trouble you in the interest
of that child's education?
489
00:40:26,084 --> 00:40:27,876
May I ask you a few questions?
490
00:40:27,917 --> 00:40:30,584
- Like?
- Like? Uh...
491
00:40:31,584 --> 00:40:33,667
Are these ostrich feathers?
492
00:40:34,167 --> 00:40:38,751
- Who are you exactly? Do I know you?
- I'm an animal behaviourist, madam.
493
00:40:39,667 --> 00:40:42,959
Then your question doesn't sound
very well informed.
494
00:40:43,542 --> 00:40:47,084
- What animals are you a behaviourist of?
- All animals. Madam...
495
00:40:47,167 --> 00:40:49,584
Can I ask you a personal question?
496
00:40:50,792 --> 00:40:54,584
Which do you prefer...
What colour are your knickers?
497
00:40:54,626 --> 00:40:56,542
- Black and white striped.
- Thank you!
498
00:40:56,584 --> 00:40:58,209
It's a pleasure.
499
00:41:05,126 --> 00:41:10,626
- You see, black and white stripes.
- You didn't know. I knew all the time.
500
00:41:10,709 --> 00:41:13,251
- You did?
- Yes, I saw them yesterday.
501
00:41:13,876 --> 00:41:17,167
Well, why did you make me
go through all that, then?
502
00:41:20,251 --> 00:41:21,584
Excuse me.
503
00:41:22,167 --> 00:41:24,501
Just in case you don't believe me,
I can show you.
504
00:41:24,584 --> 00:41:27,459
Ah! No, thank you very much!
We believe you.
505
00:41:27,542 --> 00:41:31,459
- I insist!
- It's really quite all right. Thank you!
506
00:41:34,417 --> 00:41:37,459
If you are both zoologists as you claim,
507
00:41:37,542 --> 00:41:39,917
you pride yourself on your powers
of observation.
508
00:41:39,959 --> 00:41:42,501
You must continue these experiments.
509
00:41:43,084 --> 00:41:47,084
If you don't look at the evidence,
you're cheating the child.
510
00:41:47,126 --> 00:41:51,501
Come with me or I swear
I'll kick this table over.
511
00:41:52,792 --> 00:41:54,209
Go on, then.
512
00:41:56,751 --> 00:41:57,959
God!
513
00:41:58,042 --> 00:42:00,227
And now I'll knock over this one,
if you don't go with me at once.
514
00:42:00,251 --> 00:42:02,167
All right! Where to?
515
00:42:03,167 --> 00:42:04,709
Just follow me.
516
00:42:08,167 --> 00:42:09,584
Go on, then.
517
00:42:10,417 --> 00:42:12,042
Thanks very much.
518
00:42:18,167 --> 00:42:21,709
All right, smart zoologist.
Now see for yourself.
519
00:42:26,417 --> 00:42:27,584
Go on.
520
00:42:33,292 --> 00:42:35,584
That will cost you £40.
521
00:42:35,667 --> 00:42:39,126
And there's another thing,
Van Meegeren and I believe
522
00:42:39,209 --> 00:42:41,251
it's better for you
and your precious brother
523
00:42:41,292 --> 00:42:45,084
not to see Alba Bewick,
before it's too late.
524
00:42:45,126 --> 00:42:46,251
Too late?
525
00:42:46,334 --> 00:42:49,417
If you both feel so lonely,
you can't help yourself,
526
00:42:49,459 --> 00:42:51,292
come and see me.
527
00:42:51,376 --> 00:42:54,792
Together, if you must.
And I don't tell dirty stories.
528
00:43:18,584 --> 00:43:22,417
Don't press too hard, my back aches.
529
00:43:22,501 --> 00:43:26,542
- Where does it ache?
- Across the hips and along the spine.
530
00:43:26,584 --> 00:43:31,209
Don't worry. It's a natural condition.
Let's have you in a sitting position.
531
00:43:33,417 --> 00:43:36,834
- Tell me, what happened to my leg?
- What do you mean?
532
00:43:36,917 --> 00:43:40,417
- Where is it now? Have you sold it?
- It was incinerated.
533
00:43:40,459 --> 00:43:42,584
- Where?
- Don't concern yourself with it.
534
00:43:42,667 --> 00:43:45,751
- Where?
- In the hospital incinerator.
535
00:43:45,834 --> 00:43:48,709
What is your connection with the zoo?
536
00:43:48,751 --> 00:43:50,709
I am veterinarian consultant.
Why do you ask?
537
00:43:50,751 --> 00:43:55,001
- Do you perform amputations on animals?
- If they are necessary.
538
00:43:56,042 --> 00:43:58,917
Do you fit animals
with artificial limbs?
539
00:43:58,959 --> 00:44:01,501
Where are these questions leading, Alba?
540
00:44:01,584 --> 00:44:05,084
Is animal surgery
so different from human surgery?
541
00:44:06,542 --> 00:44:08,667
There are many similarities.
542
00:44:21,042 --> 00:44:23,584
- What's this for?
- It's for a surprise.
543
00:44:23,626 --> 00:44:25,251
What sort of a surprise?
544
00:44:25,334 --> 00:44:27,751
Don't be alarmed.
I'm sure you'll like it.
545
00:44:27,834 --> 00:44:30,959
What sort of surprise
will it be if we tell you?
546
00:44:31,042 --> 00:44:37,042
- You take too many liberties.
- I do. They're all in your interest.
547
00:44:42,834 --> 00:44:45,917
- Is that a real angelfish?
- Yes.
548
00:44:45,959 --> 00:44:47,417
Can it fly?
549
00:44:47,459 --> 00:44:49,417
Well, if it could,
it still couldn't escape.
550
00:44:49,501 --> 00:44:50,959
It's a caged fish.
551
00:44:51,042 --> 00:44:53,917
- Can it swim away?
- Where would it swim to?
552
00:44:54,001 --> 00:44:56,626
The Sargasso sea.
That's where all fish go.
553
00:44:56,709 --> 00:44:57,751
Is it?
554
00:44:57,792 --> 00:45:01,126
Yes, that's where
my mother's leg has gone.
555
00:45:01,209 --> 00:45:03,917
- How come?
- It was taken by a shark.
556
00:45:03,959 --> 00:45:06,501
Called Van Meegeren, perhaps.
557
00:45:06,584 --> 00:45:10,459
- Who's he?
- Oh, just a keeper of legs.
558
00:45:11,959 --> 00:45:14,251
Do you keep
lots of black and white fish?
559
00:45:14,334 --> 00:45:16,667
- Yes.
- Zebra-fish?
560
00:45:16,751 --> 00:45:18,626
We also have parrot-fish,
561
00:45:18,709 --> 00:45:21,792
elephant-fish,
rat-fish and tiger-sharks.
562
00:45:21,876 --> 00:45:25,751
You see, fish anticipated
everything that was to come.
563
00:45:25,792 --> 00:45:29,084
I don't know why evolution bothered
to go on. Why go further?
564
00:45:29,126 --> 00:45:31,417
There are no swan-fish.
565
00:45:38,251 --> 00:45:41,626
Oliver? Oswald?
566
00:45:41,709 --> 00:45:43,751
What are you doing here so late?
567
00:45:43,834 --> 00:45:45,084
Reptiles.
568
00:45:46,084 --> 00:45:47,164
I want to tell you about...
569
00:46:08,917 --> 00:46:10,376
Sit here.
570
00:46:10,417 --> 00:46:14,126
Reptiles differed from
their immediate amphibious ancestors
571
00:46:14,209 --> 00:46:17,667
by having a skin capable
of retaining body moisture.
572
00:46:18,709 --> 00:46:20,393
Which meant that animals
for the first time...
573
00:46:20,417 --> 00:46:23,626
Isn't it a bit late
to be watching reptiles?
574
00:46:23,709 --> 00:46:26,209
400 million years too late.
575
00:46:28,251 --> 00:46:31,667
- What's all this watching for?
- I'm trying to work it out.
576
00:46:32,251 --> 00:46:33,542
What out?
577
00:46:33,792 --> 00:46:37,251
Why we should come all this way,
slowly and painfully,
578
00:46:37,751 --> 00:46:40,751
inch by inch, fraction by fraction,
second by second,
579
00:46:40,834 --> 00:46:43,959
so that my wife should die by a swan?
580
00:46:44,042 --> 00:46:45,876
Very personal view of evolution.
581
00:46:45,917 --> 00:46:49,751
What have a swan and my wife
got in common?
582
00:46:49,792 --> 00:46:51,751
- Me!
- You?
583
00:46:51,834 --> 00:46:55,042
And my car, my amputated leg,
584
00:46:55,917 --> 00:46:57,126
my lost child.
585
00:46:57,501 --> 00:46:59,584
Before the vast majority of reptiles
586
00:46:59,667 --> 00:47:00,834
died out mysteriously...
587
00:47:00,917 --> 00:47:02,584
Reptiles didn't die out.
588
00:47:03,959 --> 00:47:07,251
They grew feathers and became birds.
589
00:47:07,334 --> 00:47:10,501
So our swan was a flying lizard?
590
00:47:10,584 --> 00:47:12,917
Did Jupiter know that
when he raped Leda?
591
00:47:12,959 --> 00:47:15,459
He didn't rape her. She was willing.
592
00:47:15,542 --> 00:47:18,584
Mon dieu, Oswald!
Are you implying I was?
593
00:47:18,626 --> 00:47:19,959
What do you mean?
594
00:47:20,042 --> 00:47:23,084
You've been trying to tell me,
you and Oliver,
595
00:47:23,126 --> 00:47:25,584
that I was responsible
for your wife's death.
596
00:47:25,667 --> 00:47:28,334
No, we haven't.
597
00:47:29,542 --> 00:47:31,917
And things have suddenly changed.
598
00:47:33,751 --> 00:47:37,751
Forcing the development
of new sexual apparatus...
599
00:47:37,834 --> 00:47:39,584
Where is Oliver?
600
00:47:39,626 --> 00:47:41,084
He's working.
601
00:47:42,792 --> 00:47:47,084
He keeps stealing snails,
letting butterflies free.
602
00:47:47,876 --> 00:47:52,251
He should go there.
It's full of snails and butterflies.
603
00:47:52,792 --> 00:47:58,751
If you left a bicycle by the back door,
and you went indoors to use the toilet,
604
00:47:58,834 --> 00:48:03,834
when you came out,
the saddle was covered in snails,
605
00:48:03,917 --> 00:48:06,084
licking up your sweat.
606
00:48:08,751 --> 00:48:10,834
I haven't been there for 15 years.
607
00:48:12,251 --> 00:48:14,376
I'd quite like to die there.
608
00:48:15,709 --> 00:48:19,584
You must go there for me.
You might find my Felipe Arc-en-Ciel.
609
00:48:20,792 --> 00:48:22,584
The key is in my bag.
610
00:48:23,209 --> 00:48:24,626
God!
611
00:48:26,709 --> 00:48:32,542
- Good Lord, Alba! Which one?
- Oh! I don't know, I've forgotten.
612
00:48:33,417 --> 00:48:35,376
You'd better try them all.
613
00:48:37,751 --> 00:48:42,126
Ah! Start with this one. It looks right.
614
00:48:48,584 --> 00:48:52,417
- Why'd you keep all these?
- I've always had them.
615
00:48:53,584 --> 00:48:57,501
You must never throw a key away.
Did you know that?
616
00:48:59,459 --> 00:49:00,709
Kiss me.
617
00:49:02,417 --> 00:49:04,209
Crocodiles and their relatives,
618
00:49:04,251 --> 00:49:06,792
the gharials, alligators and caimans...
619
00:49:06,876 --> 00:49:09,626
- Your leg.
- What leg?
620
00:49:11,334 --> 00:49:13,209
Don't be so sensitive.
621
00:49:14,126 --> 00:49:18,542
You'd be surprised,
what a novelty it is.
622
00:49:19,251 --> 00:49:23,126
Come on. I want more than a kiss.
623
00:49:23,917 --> 00:49:27,084
You might like it. Your brother did.
624
00:50:18,167 --> 00:50:21,084
- What's the charge?
- Charge?
625
00:50:21,876 --> 00:50:24,542
The charge is £30.
626
00:50:27,917 --> 00:50:30,417
Do you think the zebra was a mistake?
627
00:50:31,834 --> 00:50:33,001
Never.
628
00:50:33,501 --> 00:50:36,876
Do you think that
black and white stripes are useful?
629
00:50:37,626 --> 00:50:39,251
I'm sure they are.
630
00:50:40,334 --> 00:50:43,501
Since the zebra
is such a beautiful animal,
631
00:50:43,584 --> 00:50:47,251
you'd have thought, perhaps, that man
would have invented a fanciful hybrid.
632
00:50:47,292 --> 00:50:48,417
Wouldn't you?
633
00:50:49,167 --> 00:50:51,167
You know, like a centaur.
634
00:50:52,667 --> 00:50:57,167
A black and white centaur,
half-woman, half-zebra,
635
00:50:58,251 --> 00:51:03,917
with striped breasts,
ever-ready haunches and a white tail.
636
00:51:05,917 --> 00:51:07,459
No black hair.
637
00:51:09,334 --> 00:51:11,459
They'd only put it in a zoo.
638
00:51:12,042 --> 00:51:15,917
- Next to the unicorn.
- And the mermaid.
639
00:51:17,334 --> 00:51:19,834
Animals are always kept for profit.
640
00:51:21,209 --> 00:51:23,626
Maybe that's what they are for.
641
00:51:23,709 --> 00:51:26,626
There are many ways of making a profit.
642
00:51:26,709 --> 00:51:29,084
If I had the money to own a zoo,
643
00:51:29,167 --> 00:51:31,667
I would stock it with
mythological animals.
644
00:51:32,251 --> 00:51:35,001
And where would you find them?
645
00:51:35,084 --> 00:51:36,459
I would ask you to help me.
646
00:51:38,001 --> 00:51:40,209
Oh, I'm very expensive.
647
00:52:03,459 --> 00:52:05,251
You don't seem
to have protected Alba
648
00:52:05,292 --> 00:52:07,417
from the attentions
of Oliver and Oswald.
649
00:52:07,459 --> 00:52:10,167
I can't patrol the world like a sentry.
650
00:52:10,959 --> 00:52:13,542
You could surely offer more
attractive alternatives
651
00:52:13,584 --> 00:52:15,626
than a woman with one leg.
652
00:52:18,084 --> 00:52:21,584
Would they be interested in a woman
with no legs at all?
653
00:52:22,876 --> 00:52:26,584
Since you, obviously, put more
interest in her than you do in me,
654
00:52:26,667 --> 00:52:29,084
you ought to be able to answer
the question yourself.
655
00:52:36,251 --> 00:52:40,042
- Captain Hook had one leg.
- It was his arm.
656
00:52:40,084 --> 00:52:41,459
And Long John Silver.
657
00:52:41,542 --> 00:52:43,667
They were both fictional,
so they don't count.
658
00:52:43,751 --> 00:52:47,417
- And Victor Hugo's father.
- He wrote fiction, so he doesn't count.
659
00:52:47,501 --> 00:52:49,542
It was a cork leg.
660
00:52:49,792 --> 00:52:51,001
Really?
661
00:52:51,792 --> 00:52:55,792
Oh, I wonder if he had as much
trouble having it fitting as I am?
662
00:52:56,251 --> 00:52:59,001
- Next time you two must come with me.
- Why?
663
00:52:59,084 --> 00:53:01,084
To protect to me
from unnecessary attentions.
664
00:53:01,126 --> 00:53:04,084
- Oh, you're imagining it.
- Pinocchio's legs were wooden.
665
00:53:04,167 --> 00:53:05,417
Well, Toulouse-Lautrec.
666
00:53:05,501 --> 00:53:08,501
He had legs,
they were just a little short.
667
00:53:08,584 --> 00:53:10,084
Now, his father kept horses.
668
00:53:10,126 --> 00:53:13,001
So? Marie Antoinette's father kept pigs.
Look what happened to her.
669
00:53:13,084 --> 00:53:15,167
Marie Antoinette's father
didn't keep pigs!
670
00:53:15,251 --> 00:53:17,251
Somebody's father did.
671
00:53:17,334 --> 00:53:20,042
You two are improving, aren't you?
672
00:53:20,084 --> 00:53:22,209
Who would have thought
you knew one another?
673
00:53:22,251 --> 00:53:23,626
Yeah, Beta.
674
00:53:31,376 --> 00:53:37,084
Shall we jump in now or later?
What would we taste like?
675
00:53:37,126 --> 00:53:41,417
Grief doesn't flavour anything.
It's just sour.
676
00:53:41,459 --> 00:53:44,584
- Excuse me, can I have a word with you?
- Go ahead.
677
00:53:44,626 --> 00:53:47,417
- Wouldn't you like to speak to me alone?
- No.
678
00:53:47,501 --> 00:53:50,251
Oh, dear! Grief is a great healer.
679
00:53:50,334 --> 00:53:52,376
I hear you might be looking
for some dead animals.
680
00:53:52,417 --> 00:53:53,501
I may be.
681
00:53:53,584 --> 00:53:55,268
- Well, what exactly are you looking for?
- Reptiles.
682
00:53:55,292 --> 00:53:57,292
- Would something a bit bigger do?
- Not yet.
683
00:53:57,376 --> 00:53:58,501
Would a crocodile do?
684
00:53:58,584 --> 00:54:00,542
Well, it might,
but I'm unlikely to find one.
685
00:54:00,584 --> 00:54:02,834
- How much would you pay?
- Pay? I haven't thought.
686
00:54:02,917 --> 00:54:05,310
What all you'll bought with the
insurance money, you're not badly off.
687
00:54:05,334 --> 00:54:06,542
That's none of your business.
688
00:54:06,584 --> 00:54:08,167
- £40.
- That seems a lot.
689
00:54:08,251 --> 00:54:12,084
- All right, £35.
- Where did you get that?
690
00:54:12,167 --> 00:54:15,959
In a zoo community of 7,000 animals,
there are deaths every day.
691
00:54:16,042 --> 00:54:18,417
I mean, crocodiles are not immortal.
692
00:54:22,876 --> 00:54:25,917
De Milo, with my
instructions, has made you a dress.
693
00:54:26,251 --> 00:54:29,667
It's a copy in every detail,
of the one worn by Madame Van Ees,
694
00:54:29,751 --> 00:54:32,417
in both The Concert
and The Music Lesson.
695
00:54:33,126 --> 00:54:36,917
We now nearly have the entire wardrobe
seen in Vermeer's paintings.
696
00:54:37,584 --> 00:54:40,667
I came for an artificial leg,
not an artificial dress.
697
00:54:40,751 --> 00:54:44,292
Just to please me.
Milo, help Alba with the dress.
698
00:54:46,959 --> 00:54:48,626
Have you two met?
699
00:54:49,876 --> 00:54:54,584
I know enough, Milo,
to know that you favour black
700
00:54:54,667 --> 00:54:57,417
and plan to earn your living
as a writer.
701
00:54:58,792 --> 00:55:00,542
I know a publisher.
702
00:55:01,042 --> 00:55:04,417
You must come and tell me
some dirty stories.
703
00:55:04,501 --> 00:55:07,376
Oh, what you would like?
I could tell you about
704
00:55:07,417 --> 00:55:10,792
what Venus did to the unicorn
in Beardsley's Under the Hill.
705
00:55:10,876 --> 00:55:14,209
- Milo...
- He got paid 60 guineas.
706
00:55:14,251 --> 00:55:16,751
What do you think 60 guineas was worth?
707
00:55:16,834 --> 00:55:18,792
Milo, put the dress on.
708
00:55:18,876 --> 00:55:22,667
In this room, as you can see,
I'm only used for holding pins.
709
00:55:23,876 --> 00:55:25,917
Do I really have to?
710
00:55:26,709 --> 00:55:28,792
Come on, sit at the piano.
Can you play?
711
00:55:29,167 --> 00:55:31,167
Nothing very complicated.
712
00:56:00,167 --> 00:56:01,959
It needs a tuck here.
713
00:56:03,626 --> 00:56:08,126
There's not enough spread.
A pity about the hair.
714
00:56:12,417 --> 00:56:14,209
Get me out of here.
715
00:56:14,251 --> 00:56:16,126
C'est terrible!
716
00:56:16,584 --> 00:56:18,292
What's so terrible?
717
00:56:18,376 --> 00:56:22,084
I'm an excuse for medical
experiments and art theory.
718
00:56:22,751 --> 00:56:25,709
You must get me out of here
and out of the hospital.
719
00:56:25,751 --> 00:56:28,126
They are trying to help you.
720
00:56:28,209 --> 00:56:31,251
Help me, for God's sake!
What are you thinking?
721
00:56:32,209 --> 00:56:36,417
I'm stitched and sewn
to the music stool.
722
00:56:37,001 --> 00:56:39,126
Look, I'm imprisoned!
723
00:56:47,126 --> 00:56:49,709
This is one
of the most specialised of birds,
724
00:56:49,751 --> 00:56:52,584
which has evolved
during the past few million years
725
00:56:52,667 --> 00:56:55,751
to exploit this one
particular environment.
726
00:56:55,792 --> 00:57:00,751
The shallow alkaline lakes and lagoons
swarming with microscopic life.
727
00:57:06,834 --> 00:57:07,917
Why not?
728
00:57:35,959 --> 00:57:37,501
It's beautiful!
729
00:57:38,709 --> 00:57:41,042
Does Alba really know
what she's got here?
730
00:57:41,084 --> 00:57:42,626
I'm sure of it.
731
00:57:43,501 --> 00:57:47,792
- Does she really know what she's doing?
- She's trying to start all over again.
732
00:57:47,876 --> 00:57:50,018
By sleeping with two brothers
who can't tell the difference
733
00:57:50,042 --> 00:57:53,001
between pleasure and grief
and take advantage of her loneliness.
734
00:57:53,084 --> 00:57:56,417
My impression was she was
taking advantage of our loneliness.
735
00:57:56,459 --> 00:57:57,584
So...
736
00:57:58,251 --> 00:58:02,001
Who's gaining most out of this
mutual exploitation?
737
00:58:02,084 --> 00:58:04,626
- At the moment, I am.
- Why you?
738
00:58:04,709 --> 00:58:06,751
'Cause I'm enjoying this!
739
00:58:06,834 --> 00:58:09,042
You're here but worried
about exploitation.
740
00:58:09,292 --> 00:58:12,251
And Alba's not here
but in bed without a leg.
741
00:58:33,751 --> 00:58:35,876
Now, open your eyes.
742
00:58:37,042 --> 00:58:39,126
We've not found your Felipe Arc-en-Ciel,
743
00:58:39,209 --> 00:58:41,709
but we have found you an apartment.
744
00:58:42,209 --> 00:58:44,709
Now you'll be safe
from art and medicine.
745
00:58:44,751 --> 00:58:47,667
It looks very expensive!
746
00:58:49,209 --> 00:58:51,167
And a little bit vulgar.
747
00:58:52,584 --> 00:58:58,084
It's certainly convenient for the zoo.
And who's going to pay for all this?
748
00:58:58,167 --> 00:58:59,209
We are!
749
00:58:59,251 --> 00:59:03,542
And here is a reminder
of how it really goes.
750
00:59:06,917 --> 00:59:08,917
♪ If you go down in the woods today
751
00:59:08,959 --> 00:59:11,459
♪ You're sure of a big surprise ♪
752
00:59:11,542 --> 00:59:15,417
I see,
exchanging one prison for another.
753
00:59:16,292 --> 00:59:18,626
But the music is still the same.
754
00:59:20,542 --> 00:59:23,792
- So, I am to be a kept woman?
- Not so you'd notice.
755
00:59:24,751 --> 00:59:27,167
Will I be able to escape if I want to?
756
00:59:27,251 --> 00:59:29,709
Of course!
You know, I don't believe in cages.
757
00:59:29,751 --> 00:59:34,626
- Suppose, I don't want to escape.
- Good grief, Alba!
758
00:59:34,709 --> 00:59:36,709
You're free to come and go,
as you please.
759
00:59:36,751 --> 00:59:40,042
Good! Just want to get that straight.
760
00:59:40,084 --> 00:59:42,584
You know they clip
the wings of birds in the zoo.
761
00:59:42,626 --> 00:59:45,042
Yeah, but they always grow again.
762
00:59:45,376 --> 00:59:48,917
Now that wasn't a such a bright thing
to say in the circumstances, was it?
763
00:59:48,959 --> 00:59:50,126
Sorry.
764
00:59:51,501 --> 00:59:54,834
- Who has the keys?
- You can have the keys.
765
00:59:54,917 --> 00:59:58,292
The keys aren't in it.
Look, you are as free as a bird!
766
00:59:58,376 --> 01:00:02,084
Just like Leda.
767
01:00:03,959 --> 01:00:06,459
Prove I'm as free as a bird.
768
01:00:06,542 --> 01:00:08,834
- Prove it?
- Mmm-hmm.
769
01:00:10,001 --> 01:00:11,751
All right.
770
01:00:11,792 --> 01:00:15,459
All right, you just sit on your balcony
at 9:00 tomorrow morning
771
01:00:15,542 --> 01:00:18,917
and I'll show you how easy it is
to free birds.
772
01:00:18,959 --> 01:00:23,292
Okay, let's see how all that
changes in the face of new evidence.
773
01:00:25,001 --> 01:00:30,834
I am about to become a mother,
and you are about to become a father.
774
01:00:30,917 --> 01:00:32,251
- Or fathers.
- You what?
775
01:00:32,334 --> 01:00:33,459
- You are?
- I am.
776
01:00:33,542 --> 01:00:34,584
- Good Lord.
- Why not?
777
01:00:34,626 --> 01:00:36,251
- You can?
- Of course.
778
01:00:36,334 --> 01:00:39,626
- Is leglessness a form of contraception?
- I'm not sure.
779
01:00:39,709 --> 01:00:41,251
- You're not sure?
- I'm delighted.
780
01:00:41,292 --> 01:00:45,709
You're delighted.
A pregnant cripple and you're delighted?
781
01:00:45,751 --> 01:00:47,751
Think of what it will do
to my sense of balance.
782
01:00:47,792 --> 01:00:51,417
- It might help give you more stability.
- Then you recommend it.
783
01:00:51,459 --> 01:00:55,417
Recommendation's one thing,
a woman on crutches is another.
784
01:00:55,459 --> 01:00:57,917
So, who's the father?
785
01:00:58,584 --> 01:01:00,251
Well, well, well.
786
01:01:00,876 --> 01:01:02,626
Why don't you discuss it
between yourselves?
787
01:01:02,709 --> 01:01:04,084
Well, don't you know?
788
01:01:04,126 --> 01:01:08,584
Grand dieu, does an animal behaviourist
need to ask such questions?
789
01:01:09,584 --> 01:01:12,792
As far as I'm concerned you both are.
790
01:01:12,876 --> 01:01:14,751
- But you're...
- No buts!
791
01:01:16,751 --> 01:01:19,542
You are brothers, aren't you?
792
01:01:19,584 --> 01:01:22,334
What's a few spermatozoa among brothers?
793
01:01:58,917 --> 01:02:03,167
Oliver,
invigorating as the sight may be to you,
794
01:02:03,251 --> 01:02:08,459
perhaps you can tell me
something about their escape.
795
01:02:08,542 --> 01:02:09,834
You think I should know?
796
01:02:10,917 --> 01:02:15,126
I understand that you are
critical about my custody of birds.
797
01:02:17,751 --> 01:02:22,334
They look like twins.
Could they fly like that, do you think?
798
01:02:22,417 --> 01:02:25,334
- Joined together like that?
- They could learn.
799
01:02:26,584 --> 01:02:29,417
- Could my fish learn?
- I'm sure.
800
01:02:30,001 --> 01:02:31,417
It's lonely.
801
01:02:32,751 --> 01:02:35,626
I'll show you what to do. Come with me.
802
01:02:35,709 --> 01:02:37,959
Both the tiger and the zebra
803
01:02:38,042 --> 01:02:39,959
carry their own prison bars.
804
01:02:40,751 --> 01:02:45,251
But whereas the tiger's stripes,
undoubtedly serve as camouflage,
805
01:02:45,334 --> 01:02:46,584
the stripes of the zebra
806
01:02:46,667 --> 01:02:49,751
are now no longer believed
to be protective colouring.
807
01:02:51,417 --> 01:02:55,084
The flamingo, Jerome,
lives on crustaceans.
808
01:02:55,126 --> 01:02:56,886
The richer the diet,
the pinker the feathers.
809
01:02:57,334 --> 01:02:59,084
Your birds are too pale.
810
01:02:59,167 --> 01:03:02,167
Fresh prawns
are rather difficult to keep
811
01:03:02,459 --> 01:03:03,751
as I'm sure you understand.
812
01:03:03,834 --> 01:03:06,876
A flamingo enclosure
is 10 feet by 12.
813
01:03:06,917 --> 01:03:11,751
You have 123 birds which gives each bird
one square foot each.
814
01:03:11,834 --> 01:03:14,667
Flamingos normally roost
standing on one another's feet.
815
01:03:14,751 --> 01:03:19,792
There you are, a mirror image.
It's not that impossible to find.
816
01:03:21,001 --> 01:03:22,709
Flamingos never
experience a temperature
817
01:03:22,751 --> 01:03:24,667
lower than five degrees centigrade.
818
01:03:24,751 --> 01:03:26,584
Nor do they
respect traffic signals.
819
01:03:27,417 --> 01:03:30,751
Your fugitive cold and anaemic flamingos
820
01:03:30,792 --> 01:03:33,501
don't look terribly at home
waiting for a taxi, do they?
821
01:03:33,584 --> 01:03:36,917
Well, you've got it wrong.
They're waiting for a bus
822
01:03:37,417 --> 01:03:38,751
to Africa.
823
01:03:39,417 --> 01:03:42,709
How charming. Oliver, a warning.
824
01:03:43,584 --> 01:03:46,917
Snails, butterflies and now birds
have escaped from the zoo.
825
01:03:46,959 --> 01:03:49,292
I can't prove that
you're responsible, Oliver,
826
01:03:49,376 --> 01:03:53,126
but I'm sure my suspicions
are not too far from the truth.
827
01:03:53,209 --> 01:03:54,584
Be careful.
828
01:05:15,751 --> 01:05:19,959
♪ A horse, of course
Is such a noble beast ♪
829
01:05:20,542 --> 01:05:23,084
I've got to go back to the hospital.
830
01:05:23,126 --> 01:05:26,001
- Why?
- I'm going to lose the other one.
831
01:05:26,084 --> 01:05:27,126
Other what?
832
01:05:30,751 --> 01:05:32,001
This one.
833
01:05:39,792 --> 01:05:42,084
What's the matter with you?
834
01:05:42,167 --> 01:05:45,376
- It looks all right, doesn't it?
- Of course, it does.
835
01:05:45,417 --> 01:05:47,917
- What's wrong with it?
- It's got to go.
836
01:05:47,959 --> 01:05:49,667
Oh, you're joking. You can't be serious.
837
01:05:49,751 --> 01:05:51,459
You pulling my leg?
838
01:05:52,709 --> 01:05:54,084
It's dying.
839
01:05:54,626 --> 01:05:56,959
How can it be dying?
840
01:05:57,042 --> 01:05:58,792
It's all on its own.
841
01:06:00,251 --> 01:06:01,626
It's lonely.
842
01:06:04,084 --> 01:06:06,834
You never see a female leg in a Vermeer.
843
01:06:07,751 --> 01:06:09,376
Have you noticed?
844
01:06:10,001 --> 01:06:13,084
Do you think it's a conspiracy
by Van Meegeren?
845
01:06:13,917 --> 01:06:17,751
It's Van Meegeren who says,
it's got to come off.
846
01:06:17,834 --> 01:06:20,251
He says it's a shock to the spine.
847
01:06:22,709 --> 01:06:25,417
I'm getting sore,
that I can hardly move.
848
01:06:27,167 --> 01:06:30,917
Feel it. It's cold, don't you think?
849
01:06:32,584 --> 01:06:36,042
How could you both love this leg
as much as me?
850
01:06:37,584 --> 01:06:40,084
It's the only leg I've got left.
851
01:06:42,709 --> 01:06:46,667
How much of your body can you lose
and still recognise yourself?
852
01:06:50,792 --> 01:06:55,584
Two legs look so good together,
don't you think?
853
01:06:57,334 --> 01:06:59,459
They complement one another.
854
01:07:02,417 --> 01:07:05,376
It's sad, just,
they were made for each other.
855
01:07:09,251 --> 01:07:10,459
Like us.
856
01:07:11,917 --> 01:07:13,751
Like your legs, Alba.
857
01:07:15,001 --> 01:07:16,792
We are complementary.
858
01:07:17,459 --> 01:07:19,209
Of course, you are.
859
01:07:20,292 --> 01:07:23,792
Oh! What's the name of the piece
at the back of the knee?
860
01:07:23,876 --> 01:07:26,834
- Hasn't got a name.
- Oh, then I won't miss it.
861
01:07:26,917 --> 01:07:29,001
Lots of other common features
haven't got names
862
01:07:29,084 --> 01:07:31,917
like this small piece of gristle
that separates the nostrils.
863
01:07:31,959 --> 01:07:34,251
It also keeps them together.
864
01:07:34,292 --> 01:07:37,167
Why do we have to have two nostrils?
865
01:07:37,251 --> 01:07:39,084
Why do we have to have
two of everything?
866
01:07:39,167 --> 01:07:41,417
- Symmetry is all.
- We're twins.
867
01:07:45,084 --> 01:07:46,959
I know you are.
868
01:07:49,334 --> 01:07:53,667
Just because you've chosen now
to reveal your amazing secret,
869
01:07:53,751 --> 01:07:55,209
doesn't mean I have to be surprised.
870
01:07:55,251 --> 01:07:58,167
- Who told you?
- No one.
871
01:07:58,251 --> 01:07:59,584
I guessed.
872
01:08:00,251 --> 01:08:02,584
- Not even your wives told me.
- They didn't know.
873
01:08:02,626 --> 01:08:03,959
They didn't know? Come on.
874
01:08:04,042 --> 01:08:05,727
- They didn't know.
- They knew we were brothers,
875
01:08:05,751 --> 01:08:07,917
but they were never told
that we were twins.
876
01:08:07,959 --> 01:08:11,042
Well, now, that is a surprise.
877
01:08:18,126 --> 01:08:19,334
Well...
878
01:08:20,334 --> 01:08:25,042
They can't torture me any more
by burning straws between my toes.
879
01:08:25,084 --> 01:08:28,459
I can't be tickled to death
on the soles of my feet.
880
01:08:28,542 --> 01:08:29,626
I can't be kneecapped.
881
01:08:29,709 --> 01:08:31,751
Or get housemaid's knee
or athlete's foot.
882
01:08:31,792 --> 01:08:34,959
- Or verruca.
- You can get verrucas on your hands.
883
01:08:36,834 --> 01:08:38,709
Say goodbye to my leg.
884
01:08:39,751 --> 01:08:41,126
Both of you.
885
01:08:44,001 --> 01:08:45,292
Bye, leg.
886
01:08:45,751 --> 01:08:47,417
Go on, Oswald.
887
01:08:50,417 --> 01:08:51,792
Goodbye, leg.
888
01:08:53,084 --> 01:08:54,334
Kiss it.
889
01:08:55,417 --> 01:08:57,167
It needs a send-off.
890
01:08:59,584 --> 01:09:02,917
Here and here.
891
01:09:15,667 --> 01:09:17,542
Pauvre jambe.
892
01:11:24,917 --> 01:11:26,626
Come to the window.
893
01:11:32,292 --> 01:11:34,042
Turn out the light.
894
01:11:40,042 --> 01:11:43,876
- What are you watching?
- It's a convalescence present,
895
01:11:43,917 --> 01:11:46,501
to celebrate your return
to the zoo hotel.
896
01:11:48,334 --> 01:11:49,751
I turned out the rhino.
897
01:11:50,876 --> 01:11:52,852
- It followed me to the corner.
- And you abandoned it.
898
01:11:52,876 --> 01:11:54,935
- It'll be all right.
- Supposing it attacks someone?
899
01:11:54,959 --> 01:11:56,167
It won't. It's short-sighted.
900
01:11:56,417 --> 01:11:59,959
Carry me to the window.
I've never been to Africa.
901
01:12:16,709 --> 01:12:19,501
The rhino seems able
to look after itself.
902
01:12:22,751 --> 01:12:24,542
Take me back to bed.
903
01:12:27,084 --> 01:12:28,751
Come and join me.
904
01:13:12,042 --> 01:13:14,876
Now, how about changing sides?
905
01:13:14,917 --> 01:13:16,876
No, I'm happy on the left.
906
01:13:16,917 --> 01:13:20,459
I exactly know my place
and feel very comfortable in it.
907
01:13:21,459 --> 01:13:23,268
Though it's possibly only tonight,
for the first time,
908
01:13:23,292 --> 01:13:25,417
that I am prepared to acknowledge it.
909
01:13:25,501 --> 01:13:30,292
- Know your place?
- Since before I was three.
910
01:13:30,376 --> 01:13:34,459
- You have a long memory.
- And a few scars to prove it.
911
01:13:34,542 --> 01:13:35,792
Prove it?
912
01:13:36,917 --> 01:13:38,417
Below the ear.
913
01:13:39,292 --> 01:13:41,084
At the shoulder.
914
01:13:44,167 --> 01:13:45,667
Along the hip.
915
01:13:48,459 --> 01:13:50,209
And along the shin.
916
01:13:54,001 --> 01:13:56,334
Oswald and Oliver,
917
01:13:57,376 --> 01:13:59,042
Siamese twins.
918
01:14:01,792 --> 01:14:04,751
Why haven't you acknowledged it before?
919
01:14:04,792 --> 01:14:08,251
- Paternal advice.
- Say nothing and nobody will ever know.
920
01:14:08,334 --> 01:14:10,834
But it's something special
to shout about, isn't it?
921
01:14:10,917 --> 01:14:11,917
Was it?
922
01:14:12,001 --> 01:14:15,126
Freaks and rarities
used to be kept in circuses.
923
01:14:15,209 --> 01:14:17,084
Now all civilised, they're kept in zoos.
924
01:14:17,126 --> 01:14:20,084
Our mother didn't like the idea of us
being a rare species...
925
01:14:20,167 --> 01:14:21,584
in a zoo.
926
01:14:57,584 --> 01:15:00,001
You have no right to use zoo equipment
927
01:15:00,084 --> 01:15:02,209
for any old animal
you find in the streets.
928
01:15:02,251 --> 01:15:04,376
Specially not
a black and white one,
929
01:15:04,417 --> 01:15:06,292
knocked down by a malicious driver?
930
01:15:06,376 --> 01:15:08,459
What is it, Hoyten,
about black and white animals
931
01:15:08,542 --> 01:15:12,084
that you must reserve
your special animosity for them?
932
01:15:12,126 --> 01:15:14,626
- Nothing!
- What did you say?
933
01:15:14,959 --> 01:15:18,251
Unless you pay me £200
for the use of that dog...
934
01:15:18,292 --> 01:15:19,626
Hoyten, it's not yours to sell.
935
01:15:19,709 --> 01:15:21,018
And if we can
prove you killed it,
936
01:15:21,042 --> 01:15:23,167
it's you who'll do the paying.
937
01:15:23,251 --> 01:15:28,251
I shall report this misuse
of zoo property to Fallast.
938
01:15:29,667 --> 01:15:31,417
You do that.
939
01:15:43,626 --> 01:15:45,084
Come on, lad.
940
01:15:46,667 --> 01:15:48,917
I sit here for hours.
941
01:15:51,667 --> 01:15:54,292
It's like sitting amongst lighthouses.
942
01:15:56,709 --> 01:16:00,584
Each lighthouse is giving you
a bearing on lost spaces of time.
943
01:16:03,209 --> 01:16:06,917
There are tens of thousands
of photographs taken here.
944
01:16:06,959 --> 01:16:11,042
All taken very patiently.
Because decay can be very slow.
945
01:16:12,834 --> 01:16:17,501
Nine months for the human body,
they say.
946
01:17:16,876 --> 01:17:18,542
Why are zebras
947
01:17:20,167 --> 01:17:23,334
always given for the last letter
of the alphabet?
948
01:17:24,417 --> 01:17:26,751
Can you think of a better word?
949
01:17:29,417 --> 01:17:34,209
What did they use for "Z"
before they knew zebras existed?
950
01:17:35,084 --> 01:17:38,167
That was so long ago,
nobody needed an alphabet.
951
01:17:39,542 --> 01:17:43,167
I think the letter "Z"
was invented especially for zebras.
952
01:17:44,917 --> 01:17:46,584
What is your name?
953
01:17:48,626 --> 01:17:49,709
Why?
954
01:17:51,001 --> 01:17:52,751
Felipe Arc-en-Ciel.
955
01:18:07,292 --> 01:18:12,501
If you've got any control over it,
I want to be buried here.
956
01:18:12,584 --> 01:18:14,417
It's not consecrated ground.
957
01:18:14,501 --> 01:18:18,584
Well, we could make it
consecrated ground.
958
01:18:18,626 --> 01:18:22,834
I'll be cremated
and you can scatter my ashes here.
959
01:18:22,917 --> 01:18:24,626
Snails don't like ashes.
960
01:18:24,709 --> 01:18:27,626
They'll just have
to put up with them.
961
01:18:28,251 --> 01:18:31,126
By the way, you still owe me a cripple.
962
01:18:31,209 --> 01:18:32,542
Pardon?
963
01:18:32,584 --> 01:18:37,584
I said you could only come here,
if you find me a cripple to cherish.
964
01:18:37,626 --> 01:18:40,667
And I expect you to find him
before I deliver.
965
01:18:40,751 --> 01:18:43,167
Are we likely
to find him for you?
966
01:18:43,251 --> 01:18:47,084
- You intend to make him push us out?
- Push you out?
967
01:18:47,167 --> 01:18:52,626
You are both zoologists.
I want you to be there when I deliver.
968
01:18:52,709 --> 01:18:56,417
It might cure you
with your obsession with decay.
969
01:18:56,459 --> 01:18:58,459
Keep looking.
970
01:19:13,834 --> 01:19:16,251
- "P" is for...
- Penguin.
971
01:19:16,334 --> 01:19:18,792
- "Q" is for...
- Quagga.
972
01:19:18,876 --> 01:19:21,334
- "R" is for...
- Rhinoceros.
973
01:19:21,417 --> 01:19:23,001
- "S" is for...
- Swan.
974
01:19:44,917 --> 01:19:48,042
I'm told Vermeer's wife
never sat for him.
975
01:19:48,084 --> 01:19:51,584
Vermeer's wife,
Catharina Bolnes, gave him 14 children.
976
01:19:51,959 --> 01:19:54,376
My Catharina Bolnes is barren.
977
01:19:54,417 --> 01:19:56,584
Your Catharina Bolnes...
978
01:19:57,876 --> 01:20:00,751
She changed her name by a deed poll
because I asked her to.
979
01:20:03,251 --> 01:20:07,084
Oh, dear, what an influence
you must have.
980
01:20:07,167 --> 01:20:10,417
I understand that
you are now called Leda?
981
01:20:10,501 --> 01:20:13,626
It is an affectionate joke
with no strings.
982
01:20:13,709 --> 01:20:14,917
I'm glad.
983
01:20:16,459 --> 01:20:17,876
You're glad?
984
01:20:18,792 --> 01:20:20,417
Dear Alba,
985
01:20:20,459 --> 01:20:23,667
I've been very close to you
on the operating table.
986
01:20:23,751 --> 01:20:27,292
With just a little encouragement
from you I could be as close again.
987
01:20:27,376 --> 01:20:30,084
Take your arm off!
988
01:20:30,167 --> 01:20:32,917
Come on, Alba. What excitements
can a legless woman come by?
989
01:20:33,001 --> 01:20:35,917
Enough to make
your attention superfluous.
990
01:20:35,959 --> 01:20:39,209
Get off, Meegeren, you fake!
991
01:20:39,251 --> 01:20:41,084
Your shoes are muddy.
992
01:20:41,917 --> 01:20:44,209
I can always take my shoes off.
993
01:20:45,417 --> 01:20:48,376
If that was calculated to be cruel,
994
01:20:48,417 --> 01:20:50,917
you certainly don't know
how to make an appeal,
995
01:20:51,001 --> 01:20:53,042
even on the poorest level!
996
01:20:53,459 --> 01:20:56,667
Now leave and take Vermeer with you!
997
01:20:57,584 --> 01:21:01,584
Your Catharina Bolnes
is waiting for you, barren or not!
998
01:21:04,751 --> 01:21:08,209
I've got this new story for you
about the origin of the sphinx.
999
01:21:08,251 --> 01:21:11,709
You know,
what walks on four legs in the morning,
1000
01:21:11,751 --> 01:21:15,709
two legs at midday
and three legs in the afternoon?
1001
01:21:15,751 --> 01:21:19,667
Do you think Alba would like it?
It's yours for £25.
1002
01:21:20,876 --> 01:21:24,834
- We want you to make us a suit.
- I know. Plenty of measuring inside leg?
1003
01:21:24,917 --> 01:21:27,042
God, Milo, you've got a one track mind.
1004
01:21:27,084 --> 01:21:29,834
That would mean you've got two,
one each.
1005
01:21:31,626 --> 01:21:34,751
We want you to make us a suit.
1006
01:21:34,834 --> 01:21:36,917
There are plenty of respectable tailors.
1007
01:21:36,959 --> 01:21:41,626
- A three-piece suit.
- Oh! Who's the third part for?
1008
01:21:41,709 --> 01:21:44,126
All three parts are for us, Milo.
1009
01:21:44,209 --> 01:21:47,292
But are you capable of handling
the inside arms?
1010
01:21:50,876 --> 01:21:54,001
All right.
I'll strike a bargain with you.
1011
01:21:54,542 --> 01:21:56,917
You get me a story published,
1012
01:21:56,959 --> 01:21:59,251
and I'll make the underwear
to go with the suit.
1013
01:22:33,001 --> 01:22:35,876
Zebras die here
with unfailing regularity.
1014
01:22:35,917 --> 01:22:36,959
Why is that?
1015
01:22:37,042 --> 01:22:39,876
It's about the only black and white
animal left in the zoo.
1016
01:22:39,917 --> 01:22:41,876
- What about the panda?
- It's stuffed.
1017
01:22:41,917 --> 01:22:44,917
- It isn't.
- It is, ask Plate.
1018
01:22:45,667 --> 01:22:48,126
He moves it about daily
on the bamboo shoots.
1019
01:22:48,209 --> 01:22:51,084
- How often did you see it move?
- It was always asleep.
1020
01:22:51,167 --> 01:22:52,292
It's permanently asleep.
1021
01:22:52,376 --> 01:22:54,584
Plate makes dung pellets
out of plasticine,
1022
01:22:54,626 --> 01:22:57,417
scatters them about the cage
each afternoon.
1023
01:22:57,459 --> 01:23:00,084
- He doesn't.
- He does.
1024
01:23:00,126 --> 01:23:02,417
The only trouble is
he gets the colour wrong.
1025
01:23:02,501 --> 01:23:04,292
They're a different colour every day.
1026
01:23:04,376 --> 01:23:07,417
But don't worry.
The kids know exactly what is going on.
1027
01:23:07,459 --> 01:23:11,042
- I bet if you ask Beta she'd tell you.
- What a fake!
1028
01:23:11,751 --> 01:23:13,084
How could they get away with it?
1029
01:23:13,126 --> 01:23:15,751
They can get away with this
all the time.
1030
01:23:15,834 --> 01:23:16,876
Haven't you noticed?
1031
01:23:16,917 --> 01:23:19,126
Catharina Bolnes
is never the same twice.
1032
01:23:19,209 --> 01:23:21,251
I can only recognise her
by that dreadful hat.
1033
01:23:22,417 --> 01:23:26,792
I'm not so certain whether Van Hoyten
is always the same person.
1034
01:23:26,876 --> 01:23:28,417
The clothes are the same.
1035
01:23:28,459 --> 01:23:30,876
You're always supposed to recognise him.
1036
01:23:30,917 --> 01:23:33,792
You can never fail to recognise a zebra.
1037
01:23:33,876 --> 01:23:35,251
Or an angel.
1038
01:23:35,917 --> 01:23:37,084
Hello!
1039
01:23:38,126 --> 01:23:40,417
I thought you said he had legs.
1040
01:23:40,917 --> 01:23:44,459
He's taken them off
to meet you on an equal footing.
1041
01:23:44,542 --> 01:23:47,001
Felipe Arc-en-Ciel!
1042
01:23:47,084 --> 01:23:48,584
Hello!
1043
01:23:53,417 --> 01:23:55,251
I'm a whore for freaks,
1044
01:23:55,334 --> 01:23:58,834
separated Siamese twins, a speciality!
1045
01:23:58,917 --> 01:24:02,751
I have been told, madame,
of your enjoyments. I sympathise.
1046
01:24:03,417 --> 01:24:07,126
I, madame, am an inordinate
admirer of horses.
1047
01:24:07,209 --> 01:24:09,251
Pregnant mares, especially.
1048
01:24:09,334 --> 01:24:12,709
I've always wished that
I could've served a white pregnant mare.
1049
01:24:12,751 --> 01:24:15,042
And have you tried?
1050
01:24:15,084 --> 01:24:19,042
In this present maimed company
I can admit to anything.
1051
01:24:19,084 --> 01:24:22,209
A white mare was my downfall, literally.
1052
01:24:22,251 --> 01:24:27,126
I was tossed and kicked,
but I still lust after riding her.
1053
01:24:27,876 --> 01:24:29,709
Her name was Hortensia.
1054
01:24:32,251 --> 01:24:34,042
I'm jealous already.
1055
01:24:34,917 --> 01:24:37,542
Doesn't a horse have four legs?
1056
01:24:37,584 --> 01:24:40,709
Then that, madame,
is just enough for both of us.
1057
01:24:44,251 --> 01:24:46,834
And this, Milo, is for you,
1058
01:24:48,084 --> 01:24:50,084
for bringing us together.
1059
01:24:56,667 --> 01:24:59,417
Come on, Oliver, you've done enough.
1060
01:24:59,459 --> 01:25:00,667
Enough!
1061
01:25:01,292 --> 01:25:04,834
This tiger walks 10 miles
up and down this cage every day.
1062
01:25:04,917 --> 01:25:07,834
Do you really think it will walk
fewer miles with you inside him?
1063
01:25:08,251 --> 01:25:11,917
In a striped, flannel suit,
with a crease in your trousers?
1064
01:25:11,959 --> 01:25:14,584
Maybe I should take a few clothes off!
1065
01:25:15,584 --> 01:25:17,084
Make it easier!
1066
01:25:17,417 --> 01:25:20,542
You're supposed to let the animals out,
not go in there with them.
1067
01:25:20,584 --> 01:25:23,334
How can I let out the tiger?
They'd only shoot it.
1068
01:25:23,417 --> 01:25:26,001
Oliver, if you don't come out
we'll shoot it anyway.
1069
01:25:26,084 --> 01:25:30,042
There's not enough room
in this bloody cage for a strip-tease.
1070
01:25:30,084 --> 01:25:32,584
Enough room in there
for what you've got.
1071
01:25:32,626 --> 01:25:37,667
- Look, I think I'd better join you.
- Oswald, one fool in there is enough!
1072
01:25:37,751 --> 01:25:41,417
Stop him!
What on earth are they trying to prove?
1073
01:25:58,417 --> 01:26:01,126
The tiger was obviously making
a prophetic gesture.
1074
01:26:04,167 --> 01:26:07,626
I can't consider the possibilities
of joining you together,
1075
01:26:07,709 --> 01:26:09,876
but between us,
could we satisfy the experts?
1076
01:26:09,917 --> 01:26:12,417
You seem to have satisfied
the experts before.
1077
01:26:12,459 --> 01:26:13,501
Meaning?
1078
01:26:13,584 --> 01:26:16,501
By providing the zoo
with a one-legged gorilla.
1079
01:26:16,584 --> 01:26:19,167
Do you feel that the gorilla
was ill-used?
1080
01:26:19,251 --> 01:26:22,091
If you feel that my care is incomplete,
I must look at the animal again.
1081
01:26:22,126 --> 01:26:25,209
What for? To amputate its other leg?
1082
01:26:25,251 --> 01:26:28,376
If it's painful, cut it off.
Is that your answer?
1083
01:26:28,417 --> 01:26:31,876
Animals on the whole are designed
with a view of symmetry.
1084
01:26:31,917 --> 01:26:34,626
Surely in your experiments
you must have seen it.
1085
01:26:34,709 --> 01:26:38,209
One of decay's first characteristics
is to spoil that symmetry,
1086
01:26:38,251 --> 01:26:40,792
- wouldn't you say?
- You leave that animal alone, Meegeren!
1087
01:26:40,876 --> 01:26:43,917
- Dear me, what do you think I am?
- You're certainly not Vermeer.
1088
01:26:44,001 --> 01:26:47,376
Was it really necessary to amputate
a second time on Alba Bewick?
1089
01:26:47,417 --> 01:26:48,834
Yes, it was!
1090
01:26:49,251 --> 01:26:52,751
And if you doubt my abilities,
I wonder why you're here.
1091
01:26:55,584 --> 01:26:57,542
Why do you want it done?
1092
01:26:58,417 --> 01:26:59,876
Completeness.
1093
01:26:59,917 --> 01:27:01,001
Hmm.
1094
01:27:01,917 --> 01:27:04,542
I will do it for nothing,
though I understand that you're rich.
1095
01:27:04,584 --> 01:27:06,126
That's just not true!
1096
01:27:06,209 --> 01:27:07,876
But don't tell me.
1097
01:27:08,584 --> 01:27:09,667
How?
1098
01:27:10,334 --> 01:27:14,709
For a start,
let me be the father of her child.
1099
01:27:14,751 --> 01:27:16,001
- No!
- No!
1100
01:27:17,042 --> 01:27:19,667
I could help you, maybe even more.
1101
01:27:19,751 --> 01:27:24,251
I noticed, Oswald, that all your
experimental subjects have been female.
1102
01:27:24,292 --> 01:27:28,876
Do you envisage taking your photographic
experiment to completion?
1103
01:27:29,626 --> 01:27:32,292
See, Milo is a good friend of mine.
1104
01:27:32,376 --> 01:27:37,417
She weighs 126 pounds.
She's 5'6" in her stocking feet.
1105
01:27:37,501 --> 01:27:40,417
That's one inch shorter
than your wife, I believe.
1106
01:27:40,459 --> 01:27:43,876
Like your wife,
she's now 10 weeks pregnant.
1107
01:27:44,751 --> 01:27:46,417
The child is mine.
1108
01:27:47,334 --> 01:27:49,834
She may very well have an abortion.
1109
01:27:51,084 --> 01:27:54,876
I can perform it.
There could be complications,
1110
01:27:54,917 --> 01:27:57,126
and I can juggle the outcome.
1111
01:27:59,084 --> 01:28:02,084
You see how much I am prepared
to bargain for.
1112
01:28:03,376 --> 01:28:04,917
Stand together.
1113
01:28:06,209 --> 01:28:10,751
You see, it could be made to work.
I could stitch you together,
1114
01:28:11,751 --> 01:28:12,959
for a price.
1115
01:28:24,501 --> 01:28:26,917
Evolution as you know it,
Oswald,
1116
01:28:26,959 --> 01:28:30,459
undoubtedly, and for the moment,
ends with man.
1117
01:28:30,542 --> 01:28:32,959
- Some say a woman.
- And an apple.
1118
01:28:33,042 --> 01:28:35,501
How do you anticipate
completing you inquiries?
1119
01:28:36,251 --> 01:28:39,876
How much would you pay,
do you think, for a human corpse?
1120
01:28:40,751 --> 01:28:43,167
God, Hoyten,
I really believe you mean it.
1121
01:28:43,251 --> 01:28:48,292
Milo is about your wife's build,
and age and wit.
1122
01:28:48,376 --> 01:28:50,084
And she is pregnant with my child.
1123
01:28:52,876 --> 01:28:54,917
And what's so amusing?
1124
01:28:55,584 --> 01:28:58,751
That Venus De Milo is unusually fertile.
1125
01:28:58,792 --> 01:29:01,751
- Or rather careless.
- For someone without arms.
1126
01:29:02,126 --> 01:29:06,459
A little persuasion and I know that
Milo is ready to visit the zebras.
1127
01:29:06,542 --> 01:29:10,751
Now zebras are notoriously fickle,
very possessive of their mares.
1128
01:29:11,417 --> 01:29:13,209
Especially Grevy's zebra.
1129
01:29:14,042 --> 01:29:17,417
You know, the one with the soft eyes
and the sharp hooves,
1130
01:29:17,459 --> 01:29:20,251
- and the vicious kick.
- And the big prick!
1131
01:29:20,292 --> 01:29:22,376
You deceive yourself, Hoyten.
1132
01:29:22,417 --> 01:29:26,126
Just to thwart you're alone,
I'd make sure Milo never died.
1133
01:29:31,917 --> 01:29:35,417
Here's your £400 for one female zebra.
1134
01:29:35,459 --> 01:29:40,417
Killed no doubt, in a corner,
but for the same 400,
1135
01:29:40,501 --> 01:29:43,376
you must put in a tranquilliser gun.
1136
01:29:44,001 --> 01:29:45,417
Good Lord!
1137
01:29:45,501 --> 01:29:48,584
You're not thinking of doing
your own killing, are you?
1138
01:29:48,667 --> 01:29:50,876
I strongly advise against it.
1139
01:30:07,876 --> 01:30:09,334
Do you have
a flat piece of plastic?
1140
01:30:09,417 --> 01:30:10,417
No.
1141
01:30:10,501 --> 01:30:11,917
Do you have a sharpened pencil?
1142
01:30:12,001 --> 01:30:13,001
- No!
- No!
1143
01:30:13,084 --> 01:30:14,501
You are well equipped.
1144
01:30:14,584 --> 01:30:16,501
Why are you doing this for us?
1145
01:30:18,084 --> 01:30:22,917
Isn't it obvious?
Venus locks me into the hearts of men,
1146
01:30:23,834 --> 01:30:25,251
and monkeys.
1147
01:31:38,292 --> 01:31:40,768
What makes you two think you can
behave so cavalierly in this zoo?
1148
01:31:40,792 --> 01:31:44,084
We have saved this gorilla
from further mutilation.
1149
01:31:45,167 --> 01:31:46,667
By killing it?
1150
01:31:47,084 --> 01:31:51,417
Thanks to you, it was ailing.
Has been for the last three years.
1151
01:31:51,459 --> 01:31:52,499
Is that for you to decide?
1152
01:31:52,542 --> 01:31:55,626
This zoo is run
by incompetents and mountebanks.
1153
01:31:55,709 --> 01:31:57,917
I wonder why you've stayed here so long?
1154
01:31:58,001 --> 01:32:00,084
You needn't stay any longer.
You're fired!
1155
01:32:00,126 --> 01:32:01,667
On what excuse?
1156
01:32:02,501 --> 01:32:06,917
Maltreatment of animals, for one.
Misuse of zoo property, for another.
1157
01:32:07,001 --> 01:32:09,459
Unauthorised freeing of animals.
1158
01:32:09,542 --> 01:32:11,959
- We haven't finished.
- Finished what?
1159
01:32:12,042 --> 01:32:15,917
Some bogus experiment
that satisfies your obsessional grief?
1160
01:32:16,001 --> 01:32:18,601
What valuable conclusion can be gained
from all this rotting meat?
1161
01:32:18,667 --> 01:32:19,959
Nothing!
1162
01:32:20,042 --> 01:32:23,917
- How can you measure decay?
- By degrees of grief, perhaps.
1163
01:32:24,001 --> 01:32:26,792
Or by planning a zoo devoted
to black and white animals
1164
01:32:26,876 --> 01:32:28,084
because you're colour-blind.
1165
01:32:28,167 --> 01:32:30,626
And making sure there's no opposition
by killing off
1166
01:32:30,709 --> 01:32:33,001
all the black and white animals
that aren't yours.
1167
01:32:33,084 --> 01:32:36,792
Or by using a zoo for some exotic game
of barter and blackmail.
1168
01:32:36,876 --> 01:32:41,292
Or by maiming animals so that
they can be expensively patched up!
1169
01:32:49,584 --> 01:32:51,376
Good grief, Alba!
You kept that quiet.
1170
01:32:51,417 --> 01:32:53,584
How did you manage one each?
1171
01:32:53,626 --> 01:32:57,751
I thought I had failed.
After all they are not Siamese!
1172
01:32:59,584 --> 01:33:00,834
Careful!
1173
01:33:02,917 --> 01:33:05,251
- So where've you been?
- We were busy.
1174
01:33:05,334 --> 01:33:09,084
- How did you do it?
- I just sat on the eggs.
1175
01:33:09,917 --> 01:33:12,667
- What did you mean you were busy?
- What are you going to call them?
1176
01:33:12,751 --> 01:33:15,167
- Castor and Polydeuces?
- From the rape of the swan.
1177
01:33:15,251 --> 01:33:16,459
Too obvious.
1178
01:33:16,542 --> 01:33:18,834
- Gamma and Delta.
- Wrong sex.
1179
01:33:18,917 --> 01:33:21,042
Do Greek letters have a sex?
1180
01:33:22,167 --> 01:33:24,584
What's the excuse for the bruises?
1181
01:33:25,417 --> 01:33:27,209
It's not important.
1182
01:33:27,251 --> 01:33:29,417
- Did you know?
- You must've known.
1183
01:33:29,501 --> 01:33:32,417
No, I can safely say I didn't.
1184
01:33:33,084 --> 01:33:36,751
But I should have guessed.
And what's not important?
1185
01:33:37,667 --> 01:33:40,126
We've been fired.
Sacked, dismissed, turned out.
1186
01:33:41,292 --> 01:33:42,751
From the zoo?
1187
01:33:43,209 --> 01:33:45,251
What was the last straw?
1188
01:33:45,292 --> 01:33:48,209
Did you photograph a camel
with a broken back?
1189
01:33:48,251 --> 01:33:50,834
- How are you?
- Tired.
1190
01:33:50,917 --> 01:33:53,667
And my feet ache, so does my back.
1191
01:33:54,751 --> 01:33:57,251
- Sorry, we weren't here.
- So am I.
1192
01:33:57,292 --> 01:34:00,209
- Are you pleased?
- Of course.
1193
01:34:01,042 --> 01:34:02,751
Now give them back.
1194
01:34:07,917 --> 01:34:09,376
What are you going to do now?
1195
01:34:09,417 --> 01:34:10,667
Continue!
1196
01:34:10,751 --> 01:34:13,167
Where and with what?
1197
01:34:14,709 --> 01:34:17,126
We thought you wouldn't mind
us working at L'Escargot.
1198
01:34:18,959 --> 01:34:21,417
- What are you doing?
- Making a zoo.
1199
01:34:22,001 --> 01:34:24,542
- Can I look?
- Only if you pay.
1200
01:34:24,584 --> 01:34:26,251
The old story.
1201
01:34:26,292 --> 01:34:28,917
But with a brand new taxonomy, eh?
1202
01:34:30,126 --> 01:34:33,084
Only an innocent
would put a spider and a fly
1203
01:34:33,126 --> 01:34:35,542
in the same cage
because they were both brown.
1204
01:34:35,584 --> 01:34:37,685
Well, putting them together
will probably tell an innocent
1205
01:34:37,709 --> 01:34:40,709
more about spiders and flies,
than keeping them apart.
1206
01:34:40,751 --> 01:34:42,167
And you mustn't cheat.
1207
01:34:42,251 --> 01:34:43,751
- Cheat?
- Cheat?
1208
01:34:43,792 --> 01:34:47,959
I must mark the back of your hand
with ink to make sure you've paid.
1209
01:34:48,042 --> 01:34:49,501
Whatever for?
1210
01:34:49,584 --> 01:34:53,959
Now you look so alike, I can't tell
the difference between you any more.
1211
01:35:16,626 --> 01:35:18,626
We have L'Escargot ready.
1212
01:35:20,167 --> 01:35:22,584
When will you be allowed to come?
1213
01:35:22,834 --> 01:35:25,626
I'm well enough, but I'm not coming.
1214
01:35:26,876 --> 01:35:29,751
- Why ever not?
- I'm ill.
1215
01:35:30,251 --> 01:35:34,251
- Van Meegeren says my spine is damaged.
- God, why listen to him?
1216
01:35:34,292 --> 01:35:37,417
- Haven't you had enough of him?
- I'm not coming.
1217
01:35:38,584 --> 01:35:41,417
I want to stay here, near the hospital.
1218
01:35:42,292 --> 01:35:43,751
Near the zoo.
1219
01:35:44,834 --> 01:35:47,042
But I'm well enough
to tell you something,
1220
01:35:47,084 --> 01:35:49,751
that I know you are not going to like.
1221
01:35:50,751 --> 01:35:54,209
I don't want you to be
the legal father of my children.
1222
01:35:57,084 --> 01:35:58,417
You what?
1223
01:35:58,459 --> 01:36:00,209
Van Meegeren has squeezed that
out of you.
1224
01:36:01,709 --> 01:36:03,417
We are the father!
1225
01:36:04,084 --> 01:36:05,084
You see?
1226
01:36:05,167 --> 01:36:07,751
Well, bad grammar
doesn't signify anything.
1227
01:36:07,792 --> 01:36:12,084
They went in, in two's,
and they came out in two's.
1228
01:36:13,126 --> 01:36:17,126
It stopped raining.
I found my Arc-en-Ciel.
1229
01:36:18,251 --> 01:36:20,417
I cannot have my children
having three parents.
1230
01:36:20,459 --> 01:36:22,751
What difference does that make?
1231
01:36:22,834 --> 01:36:27,251
Listen, you found Felipe for me.
You and Milo.
1232
01:36:27,334 --> 01:36:29,126
He's an ideal father.
1233
01:36:29,626 --> 01:36:34,917
Grief has made you unreliable.
On your own admission, you are jobless.
1234
01:36:35,001 --> 01:36:38,001
- I cannot risk your extreme behaviour.
- You risked it before.
1235
01:36:38,084 --> 01:36:40,292
It's too much responsibility for you.
1236
01:36:40,376 --> 01:36:42,709
And you will be prevented
from being together.
1237
01:36:42,751 --> 01:36:45,917
- Nonsense!
- Felipe will make a better father.
1238
01:36:46,001 --> 01:36:47,459
He's legless!
1239
01:36:47,917 --> 01:36:51,917
- Did that stop me being a mother?
- Motherhood is involuntary!
1240
01:36:53,292 --> 01:36:58,292
- We'll take legal action.
- Oswald, stop being petulant.
1241
01:36:59,001 --> 01:37:00,751
What would you gain?
1242
01:37:00,834 --> 01:37:06,751
I'm sure that unmarried male twins
don't make a good legal precedent.
1243
01:37:06,834 --> 01:37:10,209
Beta now can't even tell
which of you is which.
1244
01:37:10,251 --> 01:37:14,751
In the courtroom, I can't imagine
that you would win. And if you did,
1245
01:37:14,834 --> 01:37:17,584
you would know it was against my wishes.
1246
01:38:02,042 --> 01:38:04,959
Do you think Adam was a Siamese twin?
1247
01:38:05,042 --> 01:38:07,001
What happened to his brother?
1248
01:38:30,084 --> 01:38:31,626
Perhaps for some minds,
1249
01:38:31,709 --> 01:38:35,751
the most difficult step to comprehend
in the theory of natural selection,
1250
01:38:35,792 --> 01:38:39,959
is the enormous leap from the higher
apes to 20th century man.
1251
01:38:45,459 --> 01:38:49,251
All that way to bring me to this.
1252
01:38:58,001 --> 01:39:03,667
Now I want you to be here tonight,
and I mean it. No prior engagements.
1253
01:39:03,751 --> 01:39:06,501
Bring Beta's record
and you can watch me go.
1254
01:39:06,584 --> 01:39:08,584
Go? Where are you going?
1255
01:39:08,626 --> 01:39:11,084
- I've had enough.
- What do you mean?
1256
01:39:11,126 --> 01:39:14,042
My children are now spoken for,
aren't they?
1257
01:39:15,417 --> 01:39:16,834
Aren't they?
1258
01:39:17,959 --> 01:39:19,709
And I am exhausted.
1259
01:39:20,917 --> 01:39:23,167
The swan succeeded in the end.
1260
01:39:23,584 --> 01:39:25,501
I'm busy tonight,
so you can't go tonight.
1261
01:39:25,584 --> 01:39:28,501
Oh! What are you doing
that's so important?
1262
01:39:28,584 --> 01:39:30,209
- I'm grieving.
- Still?
1263
01:39:30,251 --> 01:39:31,667
Always.
1264
01:39:31,751 --> 01:39:35,501
- I'm now childless, as well as wifeless.
- You've forgotten jobless and homeless.
1265
01:39:35,584 --> 01:39:37,459
Let's strike a bargain.
1266
01:39:38,251 --> 01:39:41,042
Thanks for 30 seconds of your sympathy.
1267
01:39:41,084 --> 01:39:42,751
- No bargains!
- No record!
1268
01:39:42,834 --> 01:39:44,167
No record?
1269
01:39:45,084 --> 01:39:48,084
I'm not going to bargain
over a gramophone record.
1270
01:39:48,126 --> 01:39:51,292
- You can stay away.
- We'll come on one condition.
1271
01:39:52,376 --> 01:39:54,417
Don't tell me. I know.
1272
01:39:55,459 --> 01:39:57,251
You want my corpse.
1273
01:39:59,751 --> 01:40:04,167
Mon dieu,
my body for a gramophone record,
1274
01:40:04,251 --> 01:40:07,626
and a visit
from a pair of Siamese twins.
1275
01:40:09,084 --> 01:40:11,001
Haven't you had enough of my body?
1276
01:40:11,084 --> 01:40:13,584
- You're our last chance!
- And you were my first choice.
1277
01:40:13,667 --> 01:40:15,376
Well, thank you both.
1278
01:40:15,417 --> 01:40:20,084
And we need the use of the garden
of L'Escargot for nine months.
1279
01:40:20,167 --> 01:40:22,251
- A significant period.
- Or longer.
1280
01:40:22,292 --> 01:40:25,334
We feel we can ask this
because we've given up legal parenthood.
1281
01:40:25,834 --> 01:40:29,584
You've learned a thing or two
from that zoo, haven't you?
1282
01:40:29,667 --> 01:40:32,084
Even if it's only how to bargain.
1283
01:40:32,876 --> 01:40:34,417
All right.
1284
01:40:34,459 --> 01:40:36,959
In the interest of science...
1285
01:40:37,042 --> 01:40:40,959
Some science, you can have it.
1286
01:40:41,542 --> 01:40:43,251
If you can get it.
1287
01:40:43,292 --> 01:40:46,917
But I know you won't get it
because now I have a family.
1288
01:40:46,959 --> 01:40:48,751
And you know what families are for.
1289
01:40:48,834 --> 01:40:50,393
With your permission in writing,
how can they stop us?
1290
01:40:50,417 --> 01:40:55,334
Oh, easily. They could write
the words "insanity" or "insanitary".
1291
01:40:55,417 --> 01:40:58,709
It has long been respectable to leave
your body to medical science.
1292
01:40:58,751 --> 01:41:00,876
What's scientific
about watching a body rot?
1293
01:41:00,917 --> 01:41:03,435
You always said you wanted to go
back to L'Escargot, so we'll take you.
1294
01:41:03,459 --> 01:41:05,584
And you'll lie quietly in the garden.
1295
01:41:05,626 --> 01:41:09,084
- With you watching?
- Only the camera will be watching.
1296
01:41:10,459 --> 01:41:12,792
What's the point of watching me?
1297
01:41:12,876 --> 01:41:14,667
My body's only half here.
1298
01:41:15,126 --> 01:41:17,251
Then you'll fit better
into the film frame.
1299
01:41:20,751 --> 01:41:23,126
A fine epitaph.
1300
01:41:24,376 --> 01:41:28,626
"Here lies a body
cut down to fit the picture."
1301
01:41:30,959 --> 01:41:32,417
to share his intelligence.
1302
01:41:33,376 --> 01:41:35,834
And whatever the system he has used,
1303
01:41:35,917 --> 01:41:39,584
the ability to store
and pass on his knowledge,
1304
01:41:39,626 --> 01:41:41,334
is the key to his success.
1305
01:41:41,959 --> 01:41:43,876
"X" is for...
1306
01:41:43,917 --> 01:41:46,792
There aren't any animals
beginning with "X".
1307
01:41:46,876 --> 01:41:49,334
- "Y" is for...
- Yak.
1308
01:41:49,417 --> 01:41:51,251
It's a sort of ox.
1309
01:41:51,292 --> 01:41:53,709
- And "Z" is for...
- Zebra.
1310
01:42:07,542 --> 01:42:12,042
Good evening, Milo! It's a clear night.
1311
01:42:12,917 --> 01:42:15,917
It's not like you to speculate
on the weather.
1312
01:42:16,417 --> 01:42:20,084
Just the sort of night
you've been waiting for, perhaps.
1313
01:42:21,084 --> 01:42:24,209
Isn't it time you decided to do
what you've been wanting to do
1314
01:42:24,251 --> 01:42:26,584
ever since I've known you, Milo?
1315
01:42:34,417 --> 01:42:37,334
- Have you got a flat piece of plastic?
- Yes.
1316
01:42:38,501 --> 01:42:40,501
- A sharpened pencil?
- Yes.
1317
01:42:42,334 --> 01:42:45,751
- You are well equipped.
- Yes, I am.
1318
01:42:48,167 --> 01:42:49,542
Hold these.
1319
01:44:11,751 --> 01:44:14,126
Well, here we go.
1320
01:44:15,751 --> 01:44:19,251
- What's the time?
- 1:00.
1321
01:44:19,334 --> 01:44:21,001
You won't be long.
1322
01:44:22,334 --> 01:44:24,917
I didn't mother 26 children
of the alphabet.
1323
01:44:25,001 --> 01:44:27,501
You made an encouraging last fling.
1324
01:44:28,626 --> 01:44:30,792
I am the last at L'Escargot.
1325
01:44:31,292 --> 01:44:35,834
From here on, it's yours,
along with my corpse.
1326
01:44:35,917 --> 01:44:39,751
Don't worry,
the papers are signed and sealed.
1327
01:44:39,834 --> 01:44:43,001
If you are the last
then we are already finished.
1328
01:44:44,126 --> 01:44:48,376
A zed and two noughts, what a zoo!
1329
01:44:51,209 --> 01:44:52,876
All right!
1330
01:44:54,292 --> 01:44:57,251
Don't do anything with my body
I wouldn't do.
1331
01:45:00,917 --> 01:45:03,792
Now I want to lie still and quiet.
1332
01:45:04,876 --> 01:45:07,001
Put on Beta's record.
1333
01:45:59,084 --> 01:46:01,251
♪ Dogs were born for howling
1334
01:46:01,292 --> 01:46:03,334
♪ Cats are always prowling
1335
01:46:03,417 --> 01:46:05,417
♪ Beasts are always growling
1336
01:46:05,501 --> 01:46:07,667
♪ Nature makes them do it
1337
01:46:07,751 --> 01:46:11,834
♪ All the jungle folk
have habits of their own
1338
01:46:11,917 --> 01:46:16,084
♪ A worm will turn
in quite the nicest way
1339
01:46:16,126 --> 01:46:17,376
Oh, God!
1340
01:46:19,084 --> 01:46:20,417
She's gone!
1341
01:46:24,792 --> 01:46:26,709
And what are the signs?
1342
01:46:33,376 --> 01:46:34,626
No pulse.
1343
01:46:38,084 --> 01:46:39,709
No eye movement.
1344
01:46:43,917 --> 01:46:45,417
No breathing.
1345
01:46:51,167 --> 01:46:52,626
No heartbeat.
1346
01:47:01,501 --> 01:47:04,251
The skin pales and becomes stiff.
1347
01:47:04,292 --> 01:47:05,917
Turn off that awful record!
1348
01:47:06,001 --> 01:47:08,001
Wait until it's finished!
1349
01:47:09,084 --> 01:47:13,542
♪ A horse, of course
Is such a noble beast
1350
01:47:13,584 --> 01:47:17,917
♪ It never shirks, but works and works
And doesn't mind the least
1351
01:47:18,001 --> 01:47:22,334
♪ It shocks an ox
To treat it like your pet
1352
01:47:22,417 --> 01:47:26,876
♪ The beasts that live can all forgive
But an elephant never forgets ♪
1353
01:47:40,459 --> 01:47:43,417
- Now what?
- We take her to L'Escargot.
1354
01:47:44,626 --> 01:47:45,667
In a coffin?
1355
01:47:45,751 --> 01:47:48,751
For decency's sake,
we take her in a coffin.
1356
01:47:48,792 --> 01:47:50,917
In a long or a short coffin?
1357
01:47:52,209 --> 01:47:55,584
I'm sure Alba would've been amused
by a short coffin.
1358
01:47:57,209 --> 01:47:59,917
At least it leaves no room
for artificial legs.
1359
01:48:10,084 --> 01:48:11,917
In a long or a short coffin?
1360
01:48:12,001 --> 01:48:15,209
I don't think that'll be
for us to decide.
1361
01:48:15,251 --> 01:48:17,417
The family have arrived.
1362
01:48:18,876 --> 01:48:21,459
I'm sure they'll want a long coffin.
1363
01:48:26,709 --> 01:48:30,709
Now, I see that you're upset
and you like animals.
1364
01:48:30,751 --> 01:48:33,084
So I give you this as a present.
1365
01:48:37,167 --> 01:48:40,959
And we'll not be taking Alba
to L'Escargot to film her decay?
1366
01:49:57,834 --> 01:50:02,917
♪ If you go down in the woods today
You're sure of a big surprise
1367
01:50:03,001 --> 01:50:08,376
♪ If you go down in the woods today
You'd better go in disguise
1368
01:50:08,417 --> 01:50:13,501
♪ For every bear that ever there was
Will gather there for certain because
1369
01:50:13,584 --> 01:50:17,792
♪ Today's the day the teddy bears
have their picnic
1370
01:50:50,042 --> 01:50:55,042
♪ Every teddy bear who's been good
is sure of a treat today
1371
01:50:55,084 --> 01:51:00,417
♪ There's lots of marvellous things
to eat and wonderful games to play
1372
01:51:00,459 --> 01:51:02,959
♪ Beneath the trees where nobody sees
1373
01:51:03,042 --> 01:51:05,709
♪ They'll hide and seek
as long as they please
1374
01:51:05,751 --> 01:51:10,876
♪ That's the way the teddy bears
have their picnic
1375
01:51:10,917 --> 01:51:15,042
♪ Picnic time for teddy bears
1376
01:51:15,084 --> 01:51:20,917
♪ The little teddy bears
are having a lovely time today
1377
01:51:21,001 --> 01:51:25,209
♪ Watch them, catch them unawares
1378
01:51:25,251 --> 01:51:30,376
♪ And see them picnic on their holiday
1379
01:51:31,167 --> 01:51:35,376
♪ See them gaily gad about
1380
01:51:35,417 --> 01:51:40,917
♪ They love to play and shout
They never have any cares
1381
01:51:41,001 --> 01:51:43,584
♪ At 6:00 their mummies and daddies
1382
01:51:43,667 --> 01:51:49,917
♪ Will take them home to bed
'Cause they're tired little teddy bears
1383
01:52:01,334 --> 01:52:06,334
♪ If you go down in the woods today
You'd better not go alone
1384
01:52:06,417 --> 01:52:10,376
♪ It's lovely down in the woods today
But safer to stay at home
1385
01:52:10,417 --> 01:52:14,792
God! This floor is hard.
1386
01:52:16,667 --> 01:52:21,251
♪ Today's the day the teddy bears
have their picnic ♪