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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
"THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW"!
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UGGGGH.
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SO, UH, CAUGHT AN EPISODE OF
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"THE WALKING DEAD" THE OTHER
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DAY.
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YOU GUYS SEEN THIS SHOW?
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I SAID, "UM, WHAT IS THIS?
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ME BEFORE MY MORNING COFFEE?"
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UH-OH. THERE HE IS.
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THERE'S HANNIBAL.
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THERE'S THE MAN. 100 GRAND.
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HOW'S THE WIFE?
HOW'S THE KIDS, BUDDY?
WIFE IS GOOD. KIDS ARE GREAT.
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AH, I LOVE THOSE KIDS.
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THOSE ARE SOME TASTY-ASS KIDS,
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HUH?
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REAL LIP-LICKERS, THOSE KIDS,
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RIGHT?
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MMM!
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I WANT TO DEVOUR THEM.
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OHH.
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OH, MAN.
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YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I WANT TO DO?
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I WANT TO PENETRATE YOUR WIFE.
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WHOMP, WHOMP, WHOMP, WHOMP,
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WHOMP, WHOMP.
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LITERALLY.
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OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND
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OVER AGAINST HER WILL!
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U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
U.S.A.!
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HI. CAN I HOLD YOUR BABY?
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HE DON'T WANT.
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NO? OKAY.
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HA HA.
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I'M NOT GRABBING PEOPLE'S
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BABIES.
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CAN I HOLD ALL YOUR BABIES?
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HEE HEE HEE.
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I DON'T WANT TO DISRUPT
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FAMILY TIME.
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CAN I HOLD YOUR BABY?
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YAY!
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YAY!
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I DON'T EVEN LIKE TALKING TO
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PEOPLE DURING THE DAYTIME.
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HOW MANY BABIES YOU GOT SO
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FAR?
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IT'S NOT MY TYPE OF GAME.
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MAYBE ERIC IS A WARMER SOUL THAN
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ME.
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ERIC IS JUST LOUDER. THAT'S ALL.
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EXCUSE ME.
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CAN I HOLD YOUR BABY?
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NO!
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[ Laughing ] I DON'T LIKE
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THIS BIT, MAN.
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I HATE THIS BIT. I HATE IT.
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I'M DONE. I'M DONE.
I'M DONE WITH THE BIT.
I FEEL GOOD.
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I MADE A KID CRY.
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WE'RE GOING TO HELL.
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OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
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MY NEXT GUEST IS RYAN PHILLIPPE!
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ALL RIGHT! YES!
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HOW ARE YOU DOING?
I'M GREAT, MAN. THANK YOU.
NICE.
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I WANT TO TALK -- YOU'RE FROM
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DELAWARE ORIGINALLY!
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I'M FROM DELAWARE!
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YEAH, YE--
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UH, "GOSFORD PARK"!
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YEAH!
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YOU WERE IN THAT MOVIE!
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I WAS!
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CONGRATS ON THAT!
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WHAT?!
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CONGRATULATIONS!
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THANK YOU, MAN!
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ARE THEY GONNA -- ARE THEY GONNA
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COOL IT DOWN OR WHAT?!
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NAME ALL THE ACTRESSES YOU'VE
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EVER SLEPT WITH!
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JUST RATTLE THEM OFF!
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EVERY SINGLE ONE!
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GO! TOP 10!
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GOOD JOB, GUYS. GREAT JOB.
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OKAY.
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UH, JU-- YOU THINK I SHOULD
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JOIN LinkedIn?
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LinkedIn...UM...
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WELL, IT DEPENDS ON, UH...
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ARE -- ARE -- DO YOU FEEL LIKE
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YOU'RE PROFESSIONALLY IN THE
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RIGHT SORT OF PLACE OR WHERE YOU
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WANT TO BE OR...
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YOU STILL GOT YOUR FORESKIN?
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NO.
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I JUST GOT MINE OFF A FEW
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MONTHS AGO.
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OY.
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I DID IT REAL FREEHAND WITH A
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CREDIT CARD, TOO.
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FSHH!
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OH.
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I HAVEN'T HAD SEX SINCE.
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I'M UNABLE TO MASTURBATE.
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I'M COMPLETELY BACKED UP.
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I LOST MY JOB.
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I LOST MY LICENSE.
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I WAS SLEEPING IN THE SHOWER
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STANDING UP, LIKE A HORSE.
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YEAH, YOU BUMMIN' US OUT, YO.
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IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU, ERIC.
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IT'S ABOUT THE GUESTS.
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IT'S ABOUT THIS SHOW.
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WELL, I'VE BEEN THROUGH A
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LOT.
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I'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT.
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FAME IS -- FAME IS, UH...
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FLEETING, YOU KNOW?
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IT'S -- IT'S NOT EASY.
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IT'S A LOT OF E-MAILS, A LOT OF
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BIRTHDAY CARDS I GOT TO SIGN...
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THANK-YOU CARDS.
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I DON'T CALL PEOPLE BACK AS MUCH
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ANYMORE.
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I'M KIND OF JUST -- I'M LOST.
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I'M JUST COMPLETELY LOST.
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COMPLETELY LOST.
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COOL.
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TOTO, MI MAYO.
TOTO, MI MAYO.
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♪ TOTO, MI MAYO, MIO ♪
♪ TOTO, MI MAYO, YO ♪
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AH! EXCELLENT! EXCELLENT!
WE'RE TRYING TO RAISE
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AWARENESS.
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ALL RIGHT, WE GOT A CLIP OF
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YOUR NEW MOVIE.
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UH...CHECK IT OUT.
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DAMN YOU, POLIO!
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DAMN YOU, POLIO!
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COOL.
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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU
KNOW HIM FROM THE
BLACK EYED PEAS.
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PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR will.i.am!
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ALL RIGHT! YES!
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OH, Y-YOU'RE ON TOUR NOW.
YOU GOT A NEW TOUR COMING --
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COMING OUT.
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W-WHEN DO YOU START THAT?
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WHAT'S YOUR FIRST, UH, DATE?
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NOW, will.i.am, YOU LOOK MAD
NICE.
LOT OF LADIES IN YOUR LIFE?
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♪ NOW MAKE IT GROOVE, MAKE IT
MOVE ♪
♪ MAKE 'EM MOVE WITH THE
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GROOVE ♪
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♪ MAKE IT HOOTIE, MAKE IT HOO ♪
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♪ MAKE IT HOOTIE HOO ♪
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♪ NOW MAKE IT GROOVE, MAKE IT
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MOVE ♪
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♪ MAKE 'EM MOVE WITH THE
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GROOVE ♪
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♪ MAKE IT HOOTIE, MAKE IT HOO ♪
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♪ MAKE IT HOOTIE HOO ♪
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YEAH.
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HEY, HOW HAS THE '90s RAVE
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CULTURE INFLUENCED YOUR LOOK AND
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SOUND?
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I DIDN'T WRITE THESE.
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YES! YES! YES!
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YES!
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[ Distorted ] ♪ NEED YOUR
HELP AGAIN ♪
♪ NEED YOUR HELP AGAIN ♪
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LADIES AND GENTL-- [SIGHS]
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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT --
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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE NEXT
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MUSICAL ACT IS ME!
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TELL ME, MAGIC BALL --
AM I EVER GONNA MAKE IT?
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WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT
"THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW"?
I HAVE NEVER WATCHED THAT
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ONE.
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I HAVE NEVER HEARD ANYTHING
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ABOUT HIM.
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I HAVEN'T HEARD OF HIS SHOW.
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I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GOOD OR
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BAD.
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I KNOW NOTHING.
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YOU KNOW, A REAL TALENTED
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BROTHER THAT, YOU KNOW, HAD A
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MESSED-UP CHILDHOOD AND USED A
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LOT OF STUFF AND HAD A BAD
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DOCTOR.
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WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU IMPROVE
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ABOUT THE SHOW?
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[ Distorted ] IT NEEDS MORE
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FUNNY PEOPLE IN IT.
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I DON'T SEE ENOUGH FUNNY PEOPLE.
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[ Distorted ] OH, WOW.
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YEAH.
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IT'S NOT MAKING ME LAUGH THAT
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MUCH.
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I NEED TO STAY UP.
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OKAY.
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IT'S MAKING ME SLEEPY.
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[ Distorted ] MAKES ME FEEL
HURT.
[ Distorted ] ANY OTHER
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EMOTIONS COME TO MIND?
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NO.
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IT DON'T MAKE ME FEEL DEPRESSED
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OR SAD.
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IT JUST...HURTS.
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IT HURTS?
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IT HURTS.
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"THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW" HURTS.
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269
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IS HE A MYSTERY?
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IS HE A CARTOON CHARACTER?
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IS HE REAL?
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MM, NOT FAMILIAR WITH
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"THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW."
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[ Distorted ] I'VE NEVER
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HEARD OF HIM.
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[ Echoing ] HE DOESN'T EXIST.
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HE DOESN'T EXIST.
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