1
00:00:15,083 --> 00:00:17,451
TED:
Kids, life is a dark road.

2
00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:19,687
You never really know
what's up ahead.

3
00:00:19,753 --> 00:00:22,556
One night you're cruising along
enjoying the ride,

4
00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:25,926
and then all of a sudden,
you're 28.

5
00:00:25,993 --> 00:00:27,795
And for the birthday boy,

6
00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:28,996
lasagna.
Thank you.

7
00:00:29,063 --> 00:00:31,365
Careful.
The plate is very hot.

8
00:00:31,432 --> 00:00:32,366
'Kay.

9
00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:35,636
Oh, go on, touch it.

10
00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:38,472
(gasps):
Ah! Sweet damn,
that's a hot plate.

11
00:00:39,907 --> 00:00:41,975
All right, so, Barney,
are you doing this or what?

12
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,444
Oh, geez, Barney,
don't do this.

13
00:00:43,511 --> 00:00:45,613
I have to, it's my
birthday present to Ted.

14
00:00:45,679 --> 00:00:47,948
You don't have to.
Please, it's going
to be embarrassing

15
00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:50,484
and we're going to have
to stop coming here,
which will suck...

16
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:53,087
in addition to probably
being kind of healthy.

17
00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:54,555
Come on, Marshall,

18
00:00:54,622 --> 00:00:57,091
it's the greatest pickup line
of all time.

19
00:00:57,158 --> 00:00:59,727
Barney.

20
00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:01,295
Oy, gevalt.

21
00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:02,630
Ah...

22
00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:03,764
Happy birthday, Ted.

23
00:01:03,831 --> 00:01:05,266
Whoo-hoo!

24
00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:09,069
Uh, excuse me, has
anyone ever told y...

25
00:01:09,137 --> 00:01:10,538
Oh, my God.

26
00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:12,106
What?
Oh!

27
00:01:12,173 --> 00:01:13,141
Call an ambulance!

28
00:01:13,207 --> 00:01:14,575
What's going on?

29
00:01:14,642 --> 00:01:16,177
Try not to speak.
Here, sit down.

30
00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:17,611
Just don't talk,
don't talk.

31
00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:20,148
Is she okay?
I'm serious,
call 911.

32
00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:21,782
What's wrong?
What's the matter?

33
00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:22,883
Shh! Shh!
Just don't move.

34
00:01:22,950 --> 00:01:24,118
Don't move.
Just try...

35
00:01:24,185 --> 00:01:25,819
Here, have some water.
Water!

36
00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:28,456
Here, drink this.

37
00:01:28,522 --> 00:01:30,258
Shh! Shh!

38
00:01:30,324 --> 00:01:31,959
ROBIN:
You know, the more I watch this,

39
00:01:32,025 --> 00:01:33,294
the less convinced I am

40
00:01:33,361 --> 00:01:35,596
that it's the greatest
pickup line of all time.

41
00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:37,565
Wait for it.

42
00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:38,632
28.

43
00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:41,202
Two more till
the big one, three-oh.

44
00:01:41,269 --> 00:01:44,104
Actually, my 30th birthday
wasn't so bad.

45
00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:46,774
Well, except for the goat
in my bathroom.

46
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:48,209
Which is a great story.

47
00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:49,643
But I'll get to that later.

48
00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:52,580
Still, you know,
another year older.

49
00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:53,814
Still single.

50
00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:56,450
You don't hear your
Tedological clock ticking?

51
00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:58,752
Nope. I hit
the snooze button.

52
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,222
And here come
the paramedics.

53
00:02:01,289 --> 00:02:03,056
Oh, thank God, you're here.

54
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,425
What is going on?!

55
00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:06,059
I think there might be
some internal bleeding.

56
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,461
Probably some fractures.

57
00:02:07,528 --> 00:02:08,496
We got to get her
to the hospital.

58
00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:09,830
What are you
talking about?

59
00:02:09,897 --> 00:02:11,064
You've had
a terrible fall.

60
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,200
No, I haven't.

61
00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:13,301
Really?
'Cause I could swear

62
00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:14,935
you fell straight
out of heaven.

63
00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:17,671
Angel... Bing!

64
00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:20,774
(under his breath):
Give him your number.

65
00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:22,042
What?

66
00:02:22,109 --> 00:02:23,577
(aloud):
Give him your number.

67
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,646
What?
(louder):
Give him your number.

68
00:02:25,713 --> 00:02:27,248
Come on,
you're embarrassing me.

69
00:02:27,315 --> 00:02:29,183
(chanting):
Give him your number.

70
00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:31,485
What are you...?
Come on.
Give him your number.

71
00:02:31,552 --> 00:02:33,954
They're not going to stop
till you give me your number.

72
00:02:34,021 --> 00:02:35,489
Give him your number.
All right!

73
00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:36,357
It works!

74
00:02:36,424 --> 00:02:38,426
(cheering)

75
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:42,396
I cannot believe that
she gave him her number.

76
00:02:42,463 --> 00:02:44,698
Maybe she really does
have a brain injury.

77
00:02:45,966 --> 00:02:47,000
Thank you, everyone.

78
00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:48,269
Thank you, everyone.
It's been fun.

79
00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:49,970
It's Wendy the waitress.
Tip her well.

80
00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:51,305
Thanks a lot, guys.

81
00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:52,906
Troilus and Cressida.
Neighborhood Playhouse.

82
00:02:52,973 --> 00:02:55,175
Check them out,
they're good,
they're good.

83
00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:58,145
I realize why
I'm still single.

84
00:02:58,212 --> 00:02:59,613
I'm picky.
I'm not going to settle.

85
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,982
If I'm going to marry someone,
she has to be perfect.

86
00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:03,351
Well, what's perfect?

87
00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:05,486
It's not like
I have a list.
Oh, yes, you do.

88
00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:06,587
Attractive,
college-educated,

89
00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:08,522
she wants two kids...
a boy and a girl...

90
00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:09,957
That's not hard.
I know at least...

91
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,292
I'm not done.
She likes dogs,

92
00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:13,561
Otis Redding,
does the crossword.

93
00:03:13,627 --> 00:03:15,296
She's into sports,
but not so much so

94
00:03:15,363 --> 00:03:18,065
that her legs are, like,
more muscular than mine.
That weirds me out.

95
00:03:18,131 --> 00:03:20,434
And she plays bass guitar
like Kim Deal from the Pixies.

96
00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:22,202
Or Kim Gordon
from Sonic Youth.

97
00:03:22,270 --> 00:03:24,037
Any Kim from
any cool band, really.

98
00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:25,439
Can't be too picky.

99
00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:27,074
You're never going
to find this girl.

100
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:29,777
Exactly. So I'm just going
to wait for her to come to me.

101
00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:32,513
I am done trying to plan
the unplannable.

102
00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:34,982
So, what, you think fate's
just going to take care of it?

103
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:38,018
That's the plan.

104
00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:41,655
And little did I know,
at that very moment,

105
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,991
fate... in the form of
a 600 gigahertz

106
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,993
superprocessing computer...

107
00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:48,396
was taking care of it.

108
00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:51,098
(beeping)

109
00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:52,900
(groaning softly)

110
00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:54,568
Whoa, you're up early.

111
00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:56,404
Yeah, thought I'd whip up
some pancakes.

112
00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:57,505
Does Marshall know?

113
00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:58,839
He's still sound asleep.

114
00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:06,947
Awesome.

115
00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:09,450
So awesome.

116
00:04:09,517 --> 00:04:11,285
God! Best girl ever.

117
00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:12,720
Screw these pancakes,

118
00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:15,088
I should cover you in syrup
and gobble you up.

119
00:04:15,155 --> 00:04:18,459
TED:
Please don't do that.

120
00:04:18,526 --> 00:04:20,027
Hey, is this milk any good?

121
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:23,196
(retches, spits)

122
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,799
Oh, yeah, that totally
got me yesterday.

123
00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:28,736
God, why didn't
you throw it away?

124
00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:30,304
LILY:
I'm going shopping
after work.

125
00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,072
I'll pick up some milk.

126
00:04:32,139 --> 00:04:33,341
(groans):
Oh...!

127
00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:36,344
These pancakes
are delightful.

128
00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:41,615
What's wrong, baby?

129
00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:43,884
This is the high point
of my day.

130
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,218
It was true.

131
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:46,587
See, Marshall had always
dreamed

132
00:04:46,654 --> 00:04:48,756
of using his law degree
to protect the environment.

133
00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:50,491
But he needed money
for the wedding,

134
00:04:50,558 --> 00:04:52,926
so he'd been interning for two
months at Barney's firm...

135
00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:54,562
and he hated
every minute of it.

136
00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,797
Hey, Barney,
I had some questions

137
00:04:56,864 --> 00:04:58,632
about filling out
these requisition forms.

138
00:04:58,699 --> 00:04:59,467
Binoculars.

139
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:00,868
Second pair on my desk.

140
00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:03,003
I don't have time
to be creepy, dude.

141
00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:04,338
I have a lot of work to do.

142
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,773
Just take a look, will ya?

143
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:10,911
Okay, corner office.
Top floor.

144
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,213
Check out that guy.

145
00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:15,849
Name's Clark Butterfield.

146
00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:18,185
He works over at
Nicholson, Hewitt and West

147
00:05:18,251 --> 00:05:19,987
and every morning,
he orders a sandwich

148
00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:21,121
from the deli downstairs.

149
00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:22,356
So?

150
00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:25,626
So guess what I did
to that sandwich?

151
00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:27,327
Here, I took a picture.

152
00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:32,533
Oh! Sweet Lord.

153
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:36,970
And now I'm e-mailing
said picture to him.

154
00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:39,973
(evil chuckling)

155
00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:49,216
Ooh! Duck!

156
00:05:49,282 --> 00:05:50,851
That is sick!

157
00:05:53,521 --> 00:05:55,623
Why would you do that?

158
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,758
Who knows?
This feud goes so far back

159
00:05:57,825 --> 00:06:00,060
I can't remember who
fired the first shot.
You?

160
00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:00,994
Totally.

161
00:06:02,262 --> 00:06:04,432
Well, look,
if you would just...

162
00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:06,967
help me fill out these forms,
that would be great.

163
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:09,169
What?

164
00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:10,303
Butterfield is going
to retaliate

165
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,005
within the next four hours.

166
00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:13,373
That's been his pattern.

167
00:06:13,441 --> 00:06:14,442
This is war, Eriksen.

168
00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:15,776
I need you to clear
your schedule,

169
00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:17,377
call Lily,
tell her you'll be home late.

170
00:06:17,445 --> 00:06:19,012
This is stupid.

171
00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:20,781
Stu...
Come on, man,

172
00:06:20,848 --> 00:06:23,551
I didn't recruit you to work
here for your lawyering skills.

173
00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:27,354
I recruited you to be my
executive mischief consultant.

174
00:06:27,421 --> 00:06:29,389
This is a job
for me, Barney.

175
00:06:29,457 --> 00:06:31,559
It's a way to make
some extra wedding
money, and that's it.

176
00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:34,428
Now I'm sorry,
but I have work to do.

177
00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:36,229
(typing)

178
00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:38,999
Tracy, could you
come in here, please?

179
00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:43,236
Would you please inform
Mr. Eriksen

180
00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:44,505
that I'm no longer
speaking to him.

181
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:48,576
Mr. Eriksen, Mr. Stinson

182
00:06:48,642 --> 00:06:50,744
is no longer...
I get it.
Thank you, Tracy.

183
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:55,048
(telephone rings)

184
00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:57,751
Hello?

185
00:06:57,818 --> 00:07:01,789
Hello. May I speak with
a Mr. Ted Mosby?

186
00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:02,556
Speaking.

187
00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:04,458
Mr. Mosby, how you doing, sir?

188
00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:06,960
Bob Rorschach over here
at Love Solutions.

189
00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:09,329
You signed up for our services
about six months ago.

190
00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:10,631
Uh, yeah.

191
00:07:10,698 --> 00:07:12,432
You guys never found me a match.

192
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:13,767
Right. Well...

193
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:15,536
actually, that's why
I'm calling.

194
00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:17,370
We found her, sir.

195
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,773
We found your soul mate.

196
00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:28,248
I don't understand.
What happened to Ellen Pierce?

197
00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:29,449
Doesn't she run this place?

198
00:07:29,517 --> 00:07:31,619
Well, my firm bought
out the company.

199
00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:34,354
You know, we're a high-end
meats and textiles conglomerate,

200
00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:35,856
but the geniuses

201
00:07:35,923 --> 00:07:39,226
at corporate decided
they wanted to diversify, so...

202
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:40,561
here I am.

203
00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:42,996
So I'm in good hands.

204
00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:44,364
You found me a match?

205
00:07:44,431 --> 00:07:45,499
There she is.

206
00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:47,100
Your soul mate.

207
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:48,468
That'll be 500 bucks.

208
00:07:48,536 --> 00:07:50,571
No way.
The last time I did this,

209
00:07:50,638 --> 00:07:52,105
the girl turned out
to be engaged.

210
00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:53,473
She's not engaged.

211
00:07:53,541 --> 00:07:55,142
She's your soul mate.

212
00:07:55,208 --> 00:07:56,376
Just read the file.

213
00:07:56,443 --> 00:07:58,812
(sighs)

214
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:01,615
So I read the file.

215
00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:04,952
And by God,
this woman was perfect.

216
00:08:05,018 --> 00:08:08,055
She liked dogs, she spent
her summers in North Carolina,

217
00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:10,824
she played bass guitar,
she did the Times crossword,

218
00:08:10,891 --> 00:08:12,325
she played tennis,
she liked old movies,

219
00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:14,562
her favorite food was lasagna,
her favorite book was

220
00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:15,863
Love in the Time of Cholera,

221
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:17,631
her favorite singer
was Otis Redding

222
00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:20,233
and she wanted two kids...
a boy and a girl.

223
00:08:21,301 --> 00:08:22,402
All right, fine.

224
00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:23,771
Set it up.

225
00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:25,906
You wanted to see me,

226
00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:27,741
so I guess that means
we're talking again?

227
00:08:27,808 --> 00:08:29,342
Will you taste this latte
for me?

228
00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:30,878
I think they gave me decaf.

229
00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:36,884
Tastes normal to me.

230
00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:38,485
That's what I thought, too.

231
00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:40,220
Then I got this e-mail
from Butterfield.

232
00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:42,289
Oh, God!

233
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:44,792
It got me as well.

234
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,493
Well, then why did you
have me drink it?!

235
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,261
Because now...

236
00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:50,030
you're in.

237
00:08:50,097 --> 00:08:51,732
MARSHALL:
Okay.

238
00:08:51,799 --> 00:08:53,333
Don't think
I'm overlooking

239
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:56,336
the obvious fact that I
should just be mad at you.

240
00:08:56,403 --> 00:08:59,206
But Executive Mischief
Consultant Marshall Eriksen

241
00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:01,642
reporting for duty.

242
00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:03,577
Let's make that bastard pay.

243
00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:05,746
You think that we should
brush our teeth first?

244
00:09:05,813 --> 00:09:07,280
Yeah, it's probably
a good idea.

245
00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,450
So that night
I had a blind date

246
00:09:10,517 --> 00:09:11,919
with my perfect match.

247
00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:14,254
I was so excited,
I got there early.

248
00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:15,756
But before it even started...

249
00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:17,257
(cell phone rings)

250
00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:19,793
Lily?

251
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:21,595
Hey, Ted, are you busy?

252
00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:23,997
Um... yes.

253
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,199
Oh, right. Soul mate.
Forgot.

254
00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:28,736
Listen, could you take a cab
out to Duchess County

255
00:09:28,802 --> 00:09:32,039
and change a flat
on Marshall's Fiero?

256
00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:33,807
What? No.

257
00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:35,275
Can't you just call Marshall?

258
00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:37,410
Marshall can't know about this.

259
00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:39,446
Look, Ted, it's dark,

260
00:09:39,512 --> 00:09:41,014
I don't know how
to change a tire,

261
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:42,816
and I've stumbled into
the beginning

262
00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:45,385
of a very scary campfire story.

263
00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:46,519
Can you please hurry?

264
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:47,554
I can't, I'm waiting...

265
00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:49,322
Oh, my God, is that a drifter

266
00:09:49,389 --> 00:09:50,958
with a hook for a hand?

267
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:53,293
(gasps):
No, drifter, no!

268
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,394
Come on, Lily.

269
00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:56,496
But you see my point.

270
00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:57,564
(sighs)

271
00:09:57,631 --> 00:09:59,132
All right, stay there.

272
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:01,134
I'm on my way.

273
00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:11,812
TED:
And, so,
one $90 cab ride later,

274
00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:15,148
I was in the middle of nowhere.

275
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:16,984
Oh, thank God.

276
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:19,419
I'm so sorry
about this.

277
00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:20,520
Did you get ahold
of your date?

278
00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:22,289
Yes.
And was she okay

279
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:23,757
about pushing it back?
Yes.

280
00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:25,726
Because she's perfect.
So what am I doing here?

281
00:10:25,793 --> 00:10:27,695
You can never
tell Marshall.

282
00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:29,062
I won't.
Ever.

283
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:32,399
Swear. Swear on the lives
of your unborn boy and girl.

284
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:35,202
I swear on Luke and Leia.

285
00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:39,840
About a month ago,
I started getting insomnia.

286
00:10:39,907 --> 00:10:43,243
Marrying Marshall had been
all I wanted for a long time.

287
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:45,178
But, now that
it was really happening,

288
00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:47,314
it seemed kind of huge
and scary.

289
00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:49,149
TED:
Did you talk to Marshall
about it?

290
00:10:49,216 --> 00:10:50,818
LILY:
He wouldn't have understood.

291
00:10:50,884 --> 00:10:53,453
He's not exactly nervous
about tying the knot.

292
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:55,388
(snoring)

293
00:10:57,624 --> 00:11:00,961
So I spent my nights reading,
painting,

294
00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:03,096
setting the high score
on Super Bomber Man...

295
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:04,832
TED:
That was you? Awesome!

296
00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:07,267
LILY:
I know!
I just got in the zone and...

297
00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:09,302
Not the point of the story.

298
00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:11,671
And then I started thinking
about Victoria

299
00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:13,841
and how she followed her dream
to Germany,

300
00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:15,642
and I found
this art fellowship.

301
00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:18,278
Let me guess.
It's somewhere far away.

302
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:20,914
San Francisco.

303
00:11:20,981 --> 00:11:23,216
But it's not like
I'm going to do it.

304
00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:25,719
The dates conflict
with the wedding.

305
00:11:25,786 --> 00:11:28,688
But I love painting,

306
00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:32,392
and I've always wondered
if I'm any good.

307
00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:34,394
This was a way to find out.

308
00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:36,229
And the interview is tonight.

309
00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:38,165
In New Haven.

310
00:11:42,602 --> 00:11:44,104
You don't want
to get married.

311
00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:47,240
Of course I want to get married.

312
00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:51,044
I... It's not like
I was ever going to do it.

313
00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:54,915
I just... I just really wanted
to see if I could get this.

314
00:11:54,982 --> 00:11:57,084
Lily, we live
in the center

315
00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:59,086
of art and culture
in America.

316
00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:00,653
I'm sure you could
find a program here

317
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,022
that's just as selective.

318
00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:04,424
But you chose one in a
city 3,000 miles away,

319
00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:06,026
and you didn't
tell Marshall.

320
00:12:06,093 --> 00:12:08,829
I think it's pretty
clear what that means.

321
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:15,168
Okay, I was...
I was having second thoughts.

322
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,269
Oh, man!

323
00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:18,171
But I'm not anymore.

324
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:21,508
I... I mean,
this flat tire was a sign.

325
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:23,343
I'm not supposed to do this.

326
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:27,781
I'm supposed to go home
and-and be with Marshall.

327
00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:29,749
You must think I'm so stupid.

328
00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:31,885
I don't think
you're stupid.

329
00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:33,620
I love Marshall.

330
00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:35,088
I know you do.
Come here.

331
00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:41,428
It's okay. Look...

332
00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:42,996
Marriage is big.

333
00:12:43,063 --> 00:12:44,664
You're allowed
to freak out.

334
00:12:44,731 --> 00:12:47,200
But why am I the only one?

335
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,769
How come Marshall
isn't doing anything crazy?

336
00:12:49,837 --> 00:12:54,507
So all we need is one
large shipping box
and 100 white mice.

337
00:12:56,810 --> 00:12:58,311
All done.

338
00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:03,150
Ted, let's go to New Haven.

339
00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:05,886
Lily, don't do this to yourself.

340
00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:08,388
I just need to know
if I can get in.

341
00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:10,557
If I do this interview,
and get into the program,

342
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:13,393
then I'll know, and I can forget
all about it, and get married.

343
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:14,461
Come on!

344
00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:15,662
It's an adventure.

345
00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:16,964
No, it's not
an adventure.

346
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:18,131
It's a mistake.

347
00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:20,300
Okay, yes, it's a mistake.

348
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:21,801
I know it's a mistake.

349
00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:23,636
But there are
certain things in life

350
00:13:23,703 --> 00:13:25,072
where you know it's a mistake

351
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:26,439
but you don't really
know it's a mistake

352
00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:28,508
because the only way
to really know it's a mistake

353
00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:30,710
is to make the mistake,
and look back, and say, "Yep.

354
00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:31,945
That was a mistake."

355
00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:33,813
So, really, the bigger mistake

356
00:13:33,881 --> 00:13:35,182
would be
to not make the mistake,

357
00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:36,649
because then
you go your whole life

358
00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:39,086
not really knowing if something
is a mistake or not.

359
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:41,254
And, damn it,
I've made no mistakes!

360
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:44,858
I've done all of this...
my life, my relationship,

361
00:13:44,925 --> 00:13:47,794
my career... mistake-free.

362
00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:50,063
Does any of this
make sense to you?

363
00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:52,499
I don't know. You
said "mistake" a lot.

364
00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:56,136
Lily, don't do this.

365
00:13:56,203 --> 00:13:57,504
Ted, I'm getting married
in two months,

366
00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,506
and I'm freaking out,
and you're my best friend,

367
00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:01,408
and you just have
to forgive me for this.

368
00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:02,609
Forgive you for what?

369
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:05,445
Lily. Lily!

370
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:16,423
Hey, Lily, this is Ted,

371
00:14:16,489 --> 00:14:19,292
the guy you left stranded
by the side of the road.

372
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,594
I just wanted to say
good luck with the interview,

373
00:14:21,661 --> 00:14:22,695
remember to pick up some milk...

374
00:14:22,762 --> 00:14:24,631
Oh, and, when I get home,

375
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:27,167
I'm going to kill you.

376
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,369
And, also, I texted you
the same thing.

377
00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:38,946
Hey, I need a big favor.

378
00:14:39,012 --> 00:14:40,313
Anything, bro.

379
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:42,182
I need you to come up to
Duchess County and pick me up.

380
00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:43,716
No.

381
00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:45,953
It's kind of an emergency.

382
00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:47,454
What are you doing
in Duchess County?

383
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,122
Apple picking.

384
00:14:49,189 --> 00:14:50,490
Can you just get up here?

385
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:53,093
I wish I could help, buddy,
but I'm stuck here at work.

386
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:54,561
We're kind of swamped.

387
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:55,795
Is that Ted?

388
00:14:55,862 --> 00:14:57,264
Yeah. He's stuck
in Duchess County.

389
00:14:57,330 --> 00:14:59,299
Don't you have
a big date tonight?

390
00:14:59,366 --> 00:15:02,202
Uh... Marshall. Hi.
Yes. Yes, I do.

391
00:15:02,269 --> 00:15:04,204
So what are you doing
in Duchess County?

392
00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:06,339
Can't a brother go apple picking

393
00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:09,142
without getting
the third degree? Damn!

394
00:15:09,209 --> 00:15:11,211
Okay, well, hang on.
I'm coming to get you.

395
00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:12,045
No!

396
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:13,746
Relax, man.
I'll take the Fiero.

397
00:15:13,813 --> 00:15:15,682
No, no, no. Just...
forget it.

398
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,550
Ha, ha! A little prank.

399
00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:19,019
I'm not in Duchess County.

400
00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:20,420
So that's the prank?

401
00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:22,555
That you're not
in Duchess county?

402
00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:25,558
Yep. Gotcha! Classic!

403
00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,194
Gotta go.

404
00:15:29,862 --> 00:15:31,798
Hey, check out
this one.

405
00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:34,067
It actually looks
like Butterfield.

406
00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:36,536
You know, over at the NRDC,

407
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,305
it's a bunch
of really committed people

408
00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:39,772
who take their job
of saving the earth

409
00:15:39,839 --> 00:15:42,109
very, very seriously.

410
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:43,610
Which is great,
and everything,

411
00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:47,180
but I can't imagine having
this much fun over there.

412
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:50,183
You thinking about coming
to work here full-time?

413
00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:51,651
Maybe.

414
00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:53,987
Don't tell Lily, okay?

415
00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:55,455
Taking off for the night.

416
00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:56,823
Thanks, Tracy.

417
00:15:56,889 --> 00:16:01,028
Are you guys planning on
punching some holes in that box?

418
00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:03,730
Of course we are.

419
00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:06,533
Were you going
to think of that?
No.

420
00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:08,435
That would have been bad.
Horrible. Ooh!

421
00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:12,139
Luckily, there was still
one person I could call

422
00:16:12,205 --> 00:16:13,540
to get a ride home.

423
00:16:13,606 --> 00:16:15,108
Need a ride, cowboy?

424
00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:17,344
Sorry. I don't get in vans
with strangers.

425
00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:19,346
Hmm, too bad.
I got candy.

426
00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:21,081
Candy?!

427
00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:25,285
So you're not going to tell
me what you were doing

428
00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:27,320
by the side of a highway
in Duchess County?

429
00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:28,988
Nope.
Sworn to secrecy.

430
00:16:29,056 --> 00:16:30,390
Oh, come on.

431
00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:31,791
I like your hat.

432
00:16:31,858 --> 00:16:34,161
Right. This is embarrassing.

433
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:36,129
I got highlights.

434
00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:38,498
Oh, for the waiting room
of your dental practice?

435
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:41,768
Highlights
is a children's magazine.

436
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:42,835
Yeah, I got it.

437
00:16:42,902 --> 00:16:45,338
I thought it might look cool.

438
00:16:45,405 --> 00:16:48,007
Of course my colorist took
"highlights" to mean,

439
00:16:48,075 --> 00:16:51,078
"I want to look like a tiger,"
hence the hat.

440
00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:52,745
Oh. I gotta see this.

441
00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:53,746
No way.

442
00:16:53,813 --> 00:16:54,847
Please.

443
00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:56,149
I bet it doesn't look that bad.

444
00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:58,551
I bet it looks grr-eat!

445
00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:03,223
So, she says,
changing the subject.

446
00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:05,058
Big date tonight.

447
00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:07,194
How does she rate
on the Mosby checklist?

448
00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:08,595
Kind of amazingly.

449
00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:10,063
Uh, she's 28, like me.

450
00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:12,499
Wow, I'm 28.

451
00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:14,101
Hmm. Uh...

452
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:15,202
College educated... check.

453
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:16,669
Plays tennis... check.

454
00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:19,572
Uh, favorite book is Love
in the Time of Cholera... check.

455
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:21,074
I read that.

456
00:17:21,141 --> 00:17:23,810
More like "Love in the Time
of Don't Bothera."

457
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,345
(laughs)

458
00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:27,147
You know, it's very rude
to wear a hat indoors.

459
00:17:27,214 --> 00:17:28,415
I'm just saying.

460
00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:29,916
We're not indoors.
We're in a van.

461
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:31,684
Vans have doors...
let me see your hair.

462
00:17:31,751 --> 00:17:33,686
Never. What else?

463
00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:34,754
She loves lasagna.

464
00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:35,888
Barf.

465
00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:37,857
You know,
I am sensing a pattern here.

466
00:17:37,924 --> 00:17:39,826
What else?

467
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:40,960
(inhales deeply)

468
00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:42,095
Let's see what else...

469
00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:43,696
Oh, she doesn't look
like a tiger... check.

470
00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:45,232
Ah!

471
00:17:45,298 --> 00:17:47,934
And she's looking to get
married and have kids?

472
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,068
Check and check.

473
00:17:49,136 --> 00:17:50,537
She wants two kids...
a boy and a girl.

474
00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:52,105
Wow.

475
00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:54,941
You know,
I've been thinking about this.

476
00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:57,043
I think I want to have
zero kids.

477
00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:58,511
Really? You don't want kids?

478
00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:02,715
You know, Ted, not everyone
is as much of a woman as you.

479
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:06,286
Hey. I'm driving.

480
00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:11,291
(sighs)
Look at that.

481
00:18:11,358 --> 00:18:13,226
8:56. You're early.

482
00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:15,628
Hey, thanks for picking me up.

483
00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:16,663
Good luck on your date.

484
00:18:16,729 --> 00:18:19,566
I hope she's everything
you're looking for.

485
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:21,701
Thanks.

486
00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:25,372
(exhales heavily)

487
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:28,074
All right, you've clearly had
a rough night.

488
00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:29,542
I want you to
go in there

489
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:33,246
with a smile on your face, so,
uh, here's what I'm going to do.

490
00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:34,547
You're going to show me
your hair?

491
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:36,783
Actually, I was going
to show you my breasts,

492
00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,218
but... sure, we can do hair.

493
00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:39,586
(chuckles)

494
00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:47,960
(chuckles softly)

495
00:18:48,027 --> 00:18:49,896
You just made my night.

496
00:18:52,031 --> 00:18:53,833
Go.

497
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:57,136
* Oh, mother of pearl *

498
00:18:57,204 --> 00:19:03,476
* Submarine lover
in a shrinking world *

499
00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:06,346
* Oh, lonely dreamer *

500
00:19:06,413 --> 00:19:12,485
* Your choker provokes
a picture cameo *

501
00:19:12,552 --> 00:19:15,322
* Oh, mother of pearl *

502
00:19:15,388 --> 00:19:22,128
* So, so semi-precious
in your detached world *

503
00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:24,864
* Oh, mother of pearl *

504
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:29,236
* I wouldn't trade you
for another girl *

505
00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:34,274
* Oh, mother of pearl *

506
00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:38,678
* I wouldn't trade you
for another girl *

507
00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:43,216
* Oh, mother of pearl *

508
00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:46,419
* I wouldn't trade you
for another girl... *

509
00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:48,888
(music stops)

510
00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:56,663
Tomorrow morning, Barney's going
to send out the package,

511
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:59,732
and Butterfield's going to be
knee-deep in angry white mice.

512
00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:01,167
(laughing)

513
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:02,101
Oh, hey, dude.

514
00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:03,169
Hey, guys.

515
00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:04,971
Hi.

516
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,205
Hey.

517
00:20:06,273 --> 00:20:10,477
So, Lil, did you, uh,
get the milk?

518
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:12,379
Yeah.

519
00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:15,348
Yeah, I-I got it.

520
00:20:15,415 --> 00:20:19,018
You think you might want to...
drink the milk?

521
00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:21,688
No.

522
00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:23,323
Nope, I'm good.

523
00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:26,659
I don't need any milk.

524
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:31,298
Look, guys, I know
milk is important...

525
00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:33,766
it's got vitamin A,
vitamin D,

526
00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:35,635
it's a great way to
start the morning...

527
00:20:35,702 --> 00:20:37,169
but Ted just
had a huge date.

528
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:38,705
How'd it go, dude?

529
00:20:38,771 --> 00:20:40,740
I didn't go.

530
00:20:40,807 --> 00:20:42,342
What? Why?

531
00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:44,811
I changed my mind.
I don't want to meet her.

532
00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:47,013
Why? She sounds perfect.

533
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:49,282
I don't want perfect.

534
00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:51,050
I want Robin.

535
00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:54,253
Oh, God, not this again.

536
00:20:54,321 --> 00:20:55,622
Ted, it's a mistake.

537
00:20:55,688 --> 00:20:57,223
Maybe.

538
00:20:57,290 --> 00:20:59,559
But it's a mistake
I have to make.

539
00:20:59,626 --> 00:21:02,194
Wrong. It's a mistake
you don't have to make.

540
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:03,430
Look at the evidence.

541
00:21:03,496 --> 00:21:05,865
You and Robin have tried
this again and again...

542
00:21:05,932 --> 00:21:07,867
TED:
Here's the thing
about mistakes.

543
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:10,470
Sometimes, even when you know
something's a mistake,

544
00:21:10,537 --> 00:21:12,505
you gotta make it anyway.

545
00:21:12,572 --> 00:21:15,942
Ah, sweet damn
that's a hot plate.

546
00:21:16,008 --> 00:21:17,009
Hey, is this milk any good?

547
00:21:19,145 --> 00:21:20,480
(grunts and spits)

548
00:21:23,450 --> 00:21:26,619
Even really,
really dumb mistakes.

549
00:21:26,686 --> 00:21:28,521
(mouse squeaking)