1
00:00:13,947 --> 00:00:16,284
TED:
Kids, before I met your mother,

2
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:17,985
when I was still
out there searching,

3
00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:19,787
I learned something valuable.

4
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:21,122
That love is not a science.

5
00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:22,856
Wow, that was
a great story, Dad.

6
00:00:22,923 --> 00:00:24,092
We're going to go
watch TV.

7
00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:27,461
You see, sometimes in life
you just have to accept

8
00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,997
that certain things
can't be explained.

9
00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:31,699
And that's kind of scary.

10
00:00:31,765 --> 00:00:34,068
Oh, my God.

11
00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:35,403
LILY:
I know, I'm still shaking.
What the...?

12
00:00:35,469 --> 00:00:37,505
Joke's on you, I have a cold.

13
00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:39,440
Are you guys okay?

14
00:00:39,507 --> 00:00:41,041
Another round, and back it
up for me and Lily!

15
00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:42,176
What happened?

16
00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:45,646
We saw something up
in the apartment.

17
00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:47,115
Something bad.

18
00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:54,588
I don't know what it is,
but margaritas make me sexy.

19
00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:58,259
Oh, muchos sexy.
Yo quiero, Marshall.

20
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,564
Oh, my God.

21
00:01:03,631 --> 00:01:05,333
(screaming)

22
00:01:07,935 --> 00:01:09,370
What was it?

23
00:01:09,437 --> 00:01:12,039
Only the craziest,
meanest looking mouse
you've ever seen.

24
00:01:12,106 --> 00:01:13,274
Mouse?

25
00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:15,008
Sweetie, that wasn't a mouse.

26
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,977
That was a huge cockroach.

27
00:01:17,044 --> 00:01:18,479
Baby, it was a mouse.

28
00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:19,780
It had whiskers.

29
00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:22,916
But those things coming out of
its head, those were antennae.

30
00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:25,819
Marshall ran away
from a cockroach.

31
00:01:25,886 --> 00:01:26,954
It was a mouse.

32
00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:28,556
Oh, yeah, sorry, my bad.
You're a man.

33
00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:30,591
Oh, my story is on.

34
00:01:30,658 --> 00:01:31,759
Ted, pay attention.

35
00:01:31,825 --> 00:01:33,026
Carl, turn it up.

36
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,295
I'm here with Ellen Pierce,

37
00:01:34,362 --> 00:01:37,231
New York's premiere matchmaker.

38
00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:39,167
Ellen, your company,
Love Solutions,

39
00:01:39,233 --> 00:01:41,602
boasts 100%
success rate.

40
00:01:41,669 --> 00:01:42,603
What's your secret?

41
00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:43,737
Science.

42
00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:44,838
Everything in life

43
00:01:44,905 --> 00:01:48,542
can be broken down to ones
and zeros, even love.

44
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,611
All I have to do is
input the variables,

45
00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:51,812
run the algorithm,

46
00:01:51,879 --> 00:01:56,384
and presto manifesto, you have
a soul mate, and it works!

47
00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:59,520
Just ask all
of my happy couples.

48
00:01:59,587 --> 00:02:01,922
And these are just
the attractive ones.

49
00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:04,425
I have more photos
in the bathroom.

50
00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:06,694
Love Solutions, Ellen Pierce.

51
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:09,297
A beacon of hope
for New York City's lovelorn.

52
00:02:09,363 --> 00:02:10,564
Robin Scherbotsky...

53
00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,800
Was that chick at the end
really a client?
Yes.

54
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,268
We're signing up.
What?

55
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:16,704
Ted, these chicks are
desperate and hot.

56
00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:18,372
That's a perfect cocktail.

57
00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:20,674
Shake well, then sleep with.

58
00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:24,178
I'm not going to a matchmaker.
That's like giving up.

59
00:02:24,245 --> 00:02:26,146
It's the man version
of getting a cat.

60
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,482
No, it wasn't a cockroach.

61
00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:30,318
It had fur, and only
mammals have fur.

62
00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:31,985
It was a cockroach.

63
00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:34,355
Come on, Lily, the only way
that that was a cockroach

64
00:02:34,422 --> 00:02:37,858
is if it was wearing the skin
of a mouse it just killed.

65
00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:40,127
Oh, my God.

66
00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:41,061
(whimpering)

67
00:02:41,128 --> 00:02:42,330
Come on.

68
00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:50,804
(scratching)

69
00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:54,808
Ted!
(gasps)

70
00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:56,977
Hurry! You've got to help me.
My boat is sinking!
What?

71
00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:58,712
My boat is sinking!
You have a boat?

72
00:02:58,779 --> 00:03:00,214
Yes, I bought a boat last year
at a police auction.

73
00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:01,549
I just got a call from a guy
down at the marina

74
00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:02,883
that it's leaning starboard
at a 45-degree angle.

75
00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:04,252
If I don't get down there right
now, it's going to capsize.

76
00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:06,254
Now come on!

77
00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:10,291
Your boat is sinking.

78
00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:11,292
That was good.

79
00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:12,560
Come on, Ted.

80
00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,762
This is an incredible
opportunity.

81
00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:16,564
We'll meet our soul mates,

82
00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:18,832
nail 'em
and never call 'em again.

83
00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:21,935
All finished, gentlemen?

84
00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:23,003
Congratulations.

85
00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:24,037
You have just taken

86
00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:25,939
your very first step.

87
00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:27,207
Gosh, thanks, Ellen.

88
00:03:27,275 --> 00:03:28,642
I sure hope this works.

89
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:29,477
I'm so done

90
00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,111
with the single life...

91
00:03:31,178 --> 00:03:33,714
all the games,
the meaningless sex.

92
00:03:33,781 --> 00:03:35,949
You deserve more.

93
00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:38,151
That is so true, Ellen.

94
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:42,055
I really think I'm ready
to stop being a me,

95
00:03:42,122 --> 00:03:43,491
and start being a we.

96
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:46,159
Hey, is there any way
I can let it be known

97
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,227
that I love cuddling?

98
00:03:47,295 --> 00:03:49,697
Ah, of course you can.

99
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:50,831
That is so...

100
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:53,166
Oh.

101
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,803
Kind of hard to talk
about with Ted here,

102
00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:58,806
but I just want someone
who's not afraid

103
00:03:58,872 --> 00:04:01,275
to hold me at night...

104
00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:03,311
(voice breaking):
when the tears come.

105
00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:06,714
Ellen, can you help
me find her?

106
00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:07,981
Get out.

107
00:04:08,048 --> 00:04:09,450
What?

108
00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:12,052
I get 15 guys like you
every week.

109
00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:13,354
Jerks who just want

110
00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:14,655
to meet
vulnerable women,

111
00:04:14,722 --> 00:04:16,924
nail 'em
and never call 'em again.

112
00:04:16,990 --> 00:04:18,926
Oh, my God, people do that?

113
00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:21,194
Do you want to do this
the easy way or the hard way?

114
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:22,496
What's the hard way?

115
00:04:22,563 --> 00:04:25,333
Security roughs me up
and tosses me out?

116
00:04:25,399 --> 00:04:26,767
No, that's the easy way.

117
00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:29,870
The hard way is that I stomp
the crap out of you myself.

118
00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,340
Okay, Ted, let's go.
Not you. You stay.

119
00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:36,176
You're cute.

120
00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:37,678
You're an architect.

121
00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:40,881
Good career, and you didn't use
an obvious alias

122
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:44,117
on your application,
like your friend Jack Package.

123
00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:46,186
It's pronounced pa-codge.

124
00:04:46,253 --> 00:04:47,488
Get out of here!

125
00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:50,958
You I can work with.

126
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:52,793
You give me three days,

127
00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:56,129
and I will find the woman
you will marry.

128
00:04:56,196 --> 00:04:58,165
Uh, no, thanks.

129
00:04:58,231 --> 00:04:59,099
I don't need an algorithm

130
00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:00,734
to meet women.

131
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:03,437
It's New York City, you know...
plenty of fish in the sea.

132
00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:06,674
Plenty of fish in the sea.

133
00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:08,976
Yes, there's nine million people
in New York,

134
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,978
4.5 million women.

135
00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:13,447
Of course, you want to meet
somebody roughly your own age.

136
00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:15,783
Let's say, plus, minus,
five years.

137
00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:17,951
So if we take into account
the most recent census data,

138
00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:19,252
that leaves us

139
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,421
with 482,000.

140
00:05:20,488 --> 00:05:22,055
But, uh, wait...

141
00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:23,190
48% of those

142
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:25,158
are already in relationships,

143
00:05:25,225 --> 00:05:27,428
and then you have to eliminate
half for intelligence,

144
00:05:27,495 --> 00:05:28,596
sense of humor
and compatibility,

145
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,330
and then you
have to take out

146
00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:31,865
the ex-girlfriends
and the relatives,

147
00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:34,334
and, oh, we can't forget
those lesbians.

148
00:05:34,402 --> 00:05:35,469
And then

149
00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:39,440
that leaves us with eight women.

150
00:05:39,507 --> 00:05:42,876
That can't be right.
Eight?

151
00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:43,977
Really? Eight?

152
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:48,549
There are eight fish
in that big blue ocean, Ted.

153
00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:51,251
And if you feel confident
that you could reel one in

154
00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:53,554
to your boat without me,
there's the door.

155
00:05:53,621 --> 00:05:56,424
Do you take credit cards?

156
00:05:58,091 --> 00:06:00,694
Okay, it's back.

157
00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,763
And this time we got
a good look.

158
00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:05,833
Hey, seriously,
you have to stop doing that.

159
00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:07,000
It's bigger now.

160
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,569
It's been feeding.

161
00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:12,840
We were just upstairs
watching TV.

162
00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:14,908
Oh, gosh.

163
00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:16,109
(gasps)

164
00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:24,618
Okay, let's do this.

165
00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:33,461
(screaming)

166
00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:34,562
Shh, shh, shh.

167
00:06:34,628 --> 00:06:37,765
It's okay. It's over.

168
00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:39,132
Oh, God!

169
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:50,143
So did you get
a good look at it?

170
00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:55,583
Yeah. It has six legs, a hard
exoskeleton, like a roach.

171
00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:57,551
But it had mouse-like
characteristics.

172
00:06:57,618 --> 00:06:59,953
Gray-brown tufts of fur, a tail.

173
00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:04,224
So which is it:
a cockroach or a mouse?

174
00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:07,194
It's a cock-a-mouse.

175
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:09,797
What?

176
00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:13,100
It's some sort of mutant
combination of the two.

177
00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:16,770
It's as if a cockroach
and a mouse, you know...

178
00:07:16,837 --> 00:07:20,541
Did the horizontal,
ten-legged, interspecies
cha-cha?

179
00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:22,042
That's impossible.

180
00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,276
That simply can't happen.

181
00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:24,745
Oh, but it can.

182
00:07:24,812 --> 00:07:26,614
And it has.
And it's pissed.

183
00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:30,951
Dude, is everything okay?
You left the front door open.

184
00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:32,419
There was no time.

185
00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:35,589
ROBIN:
So, Love Solutions?

186
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:37,858
Did you meet the love
of your life?

187
00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:41,261
She said it'd take three days.
It's been five days.

188
00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:42,295
Should I be worried?

189
00:07:42,362 --> 00:07:43,430
Oh, just play it cool.

190
00:07:43,497 --> 00:07:45,566
Don't Ted out about it.

191
00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:48,001
Did you just use my name
as a verb?

192
00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:49,570
Oh, yeah.

193
00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:50,904
We do that behind
your back.

194
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:52,005
"Ted out:"

195
00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:53,273
to overthink.

196
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:54,575
Also see "Ted up."

197
00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:55,909
"Ted up:" to overthink

198
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,945
something with
disastrous results.

199
00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:00,514
Sample sentence: Billy
Tedded up when he tried...

200
00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:02,215
Okay, I get it.

201
00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:03,717
Don't worry.

202
00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:05,686
I'm not going
to Ted anything up. Or out.

203
00:08:05,753 --> 00:08:08,822
I should give it
a few more days.

204
00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:12,092
Hi, Ellen. Remember me?
I'm Ted.

205
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,727
Ted, hi.

206
00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:15,428
I, uh, meant to call you.

207
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,631
The computer is still
crunching the numbers.

208
00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:19,066
Busy as a bee, that
little computer.

209
00:08:19,132 --> 00:08:21,134
You said it was going
to be three days.

210
00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:22,402
Did I?
Hmm.

211
00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:23,704
Three days? Really?

212
00:08:23,771 --> 00:08:26,306
Yeah, and when someone says
you're going to meet

213
00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:27,541
the perfect woman in three days,

214
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:29,442
you kind of put that
in your date book, so...

215
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,645
How do I say this?

216
00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:33,513
This is going to be
really hard.

217
00:08:33,581 --> 00:08:34,982
Ted...

218
00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:38,251
there are absolutely
no women out there for you.

219
00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:42,155
Phew, actually, I got
through that okay.

220
00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:49,362
There are no women
out there for me?

221
00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:50,764
I thought you said
there were eight.

222
00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:51,765
I know. There are
supposed to be.

223
00:08:51,832 --> 00:08:52,766
I don't know where
they are.

224
00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:54,635
But... I'm an architect.

225
00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:56,069
And you said I'm cute.

226
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:57,137
I'm a cute architect.

227
00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:58,772
How do you think I feel?

228
00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:00,440
I have a 100% success rate.

229
00:09:00,507 --> 00:09:01,709
That's my hook.

230
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:02,710
I could maybe find

231
00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:04,377
somebody for you
if you were gay.

232
00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:06,046
Well, I'm not.
A little bi maybe?

233
00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:07,147
No!

234
00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:09,482
You're messing with me, right?

235
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,351
Come see for yourself.

236
00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:14,622
I cannot set you up

237
00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:15,756
unless you have
a compatibility rating

238
00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:17,791
of 7.0 or higher.

239
00:09:17,858 --> 00:09:21,261
And look: 5.4, 4.8, 5.6.

240
00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:23,196
There's a 9.6 right there.

241
00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:26,133
Don't touch the computer.

242
00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:28,235
Yes, Sarah O'Brien.

243
00:09:28,301 --> 00:09:29,870
I fixed her up six months ago.

244
00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:31,839
She would have been absolutely
perfect for you.

245
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,106
Well, what about the guy
you set her up with?

246
00:09:33,173 --> 00:09:35,008
Is he a 9.6
compatibility rating?

247
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,376
8.5.

248
00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:37,745
So he sucks.

249
00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:41,581
No, 8.5 is an extremely good
match-up quotient.

250
00:09:41,649 --> 00:09:45,719
Oh, sure, it's good.
It's solid, but a 9.6?

251
00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:49,522
9.6 is off the charts,
but Sarah is matched up.

252
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:52,960
Ted, look, I have a lunch.

253
00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:54,561
Please, I
promise we will

254
00:09:54,628 --> 00:09:57,064
find you somebody.
Don't lose hope.

255
00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:59,800
There are new women
turning 18 every day.

256
00:10:03,671 --> 00:10:07,207
(up-tempo music playing)

257
00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:19,086
(up-tempo music continues)

258
00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:29,697
It's a whole
new species...

259
00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:31,398
the cock-a-mouse.

260
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:34,167
And it's the size
of a potato.

261
00:10:36,904 --> 00:10:40,107
So what, now it's a
cock-a-potato-mouse?

262
00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:41,641
Don't make it
sound ridiculous.

263
00:10:41,709 --> 00:10:43,977
It's a cock-a-mouse.

264
00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:47,180
My God, this is incredible.
We're like the same person.

265
00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:50,751
Sarah O'Brien loves brunch.
She wants to have two children.

266
00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:52,753
Her guilty pleasure song

267
00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:54,755
is "Summer Breeze"
by Seals and Crofts.

268
00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:57,725
Wow, Ted, sounds like
you're her perfect woman.

269
00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:00,460
And like
the majestic seahorse,

270
00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:01,762
it's hermaphroditic.

271
00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:06,834
Obviously the whole thing
is shrouded in mystery.

272
00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:09,036
For as much as we know
about the cock-a-mouse,

273
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:11,038
there's still so much
we don't know.

274
00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:15,508
Well, we know that there's no
such thing as the cock-a-mouse.

275
00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:18,879
What we don't know is what
you guys have been smoking.

276
00:11:18,946 --> 00:11:21,381
So you really don't believe
in the cock-a-mouse?

277
00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:24,217
Well, I believe that you saw
something perfectly normal,

278
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:26,619
but you've exaggerated it
in your mind, you know?

279
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,288
Like the Loch Ness Monster.

280
00:11:30,891 --> 00:11:34,027
If by "like
the Loch Ness Monster,"

281
00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:36,764
you mean totally exists
and is awesome, then yeah,

282
00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:38,799
it's like the
Loch Ness Monster.

283
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:41,234
Its diet is not unlike our own...

284
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:44,637
grains, cereals... and
it's awfully fond of cheese.

285
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:45,672
Okay, this is getting weird.

286
00:11:45,739 --> 00:11:46,907
The similarities go on and on.

287
00:11:46,974 --> 00:11:48,308
She hates phonies.

288
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:50,811
I totally hate phonies, too.

289
00:11:50,878 --> 00:11:51,779
She's a dermatologist.

290
00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:53,380
I have skin.

291
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:55,115
You want to be
her boyfriend.

292
00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:56,649
She already
has a boyfriend.

293
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,451
It's uncanny.

294
00:11:58,518 --> 00:11:59,719
All right.

295
00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:01,121
But it wouldn't hurt
to check her out, right?

296
00:12:01,188 --> 00:12:03,556
See what my 9.6
looks like in person?

297
00:12:03,623 --> 00:12:05,125
As, you know, a
frame of reference.

298
00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:07,694
And if she thinks she
can do 11.45% better,

299
00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:09,797
who am I
to deny her that?

300
00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:10,831
That's right.

301
00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:12,065
I did the math.

302
00:12:15,102 --> 00:12:16,669
Hi.

303
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,671
Hi. I'm Dr. O'Brien.

304
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,040
I'm Architect Mosby.

305
00:12:20,107 --> 00:12:22,275
Sorry, I just wanted
to say my job, too.

306
00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:24,812
Hi, I'm Ted.
Hi.

307
00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:26,013
So what are we doing today?

308
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,415
Right, I, uh, I have
a kind of mole on my back.

309
00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:29,649
It's probably nothing,

310
00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:30,818
but I'm a cautious guy.

311
00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:33,120
I'm exactly the same.

312
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:41,694
* Summer breeze
makes me feel fine *

313
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:47,167
BOTH:
* Blowing through the jasmine
in my mind *

314
00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:49,136
(imitates guitar riff)

315
00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:50,670
(chuckles):
Sorry about that.

316
00:12:50,737 --> 00:12:52,672
"Summer Breeze" is
my guilty pleasure song.

317
00:12:52,739 --> 00:12:54,374
It's been stuck in my head

318
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:57,710
ever since I heard it
this weekend... at brunch.

319
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,479
I love brunch.

320
00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:00,881
It's the best.

321
00:13:00,948 --> 00:13:02,549
As long as I don't
have to spend it

322
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,018
with a bunch of phonies.

323
00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:07,420
I like the way you think,
Architect Mosby.

324
00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:10,657
Hey, this may
sound weird,

325
00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:12,625
but it'll definitely sound
more weird once my shirt's off.

326
00:13:12,692 --> 00:13:14,962
So I'm going to ask you now.

327
00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:16,897
Do you want to have dinner
with me Saturday night?

328
00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:19,332
That's very sweet,

329
00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:22,135
but I'm actually getting married
on Saturday.

330
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,505
Friday night?

331
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:32,745
Wow. You're
getting married.

332
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:35,082
Congratulations.
Thank you.

333
00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,683
I'm really sorry
I asked you out.

334
00:13:36,749 --> 00:13:37,717
It just felt like there could be

335
00:13:37,784 --> 00:13:39,486
this weird connection
between us.

336
00:13:39,552 --> 00:13:40,954
How crazy am I coming off here?

337
00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:42,455
Only a little.

338
00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:43,723
Well...

339
00:13:43,790 --> 00:13:45,258
if by some million-
to-one long shot

340
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,526
and I'm not
rooting for this...

341
00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:49,629
you wind up not getting married
this weekend,

342
00:13:49,696 --> 00:13:51,831
give me a call.

343
00:13:51,899 --> 00:13:52,765
Okay.

344
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:53,666
But it's not likely.

345
00:13:53,733 --> 00:13:56,236
I look damn good in my dress.

346
00:13:56,303 --> 00:13:58,038
I'm sure you do.

347
00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:05,312
Wow, that's a pretty
sophisticated trap.

348
00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:07,647
You think the roadrunner's
going to fall for it?

349
00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:09,849
Okay, we get it.
You're skeptical.

350
00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:11,818
But Marshall and I,
we're believers.

351
00:14:11,885 --> 00:14:13,053
We believe.

352
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:14,254
Yeah, look around.

353
00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:16,189
The universe is mysterious
and awesome.

354
00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:19,626
You've got the Bermuda Triangle,
ghosts, Bigfoot.

355
00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:23,196
Bad maps, creaky houses,
hillbilly in a gorilla suit.

356
00:14:23,263 --> 00:14:24,064
Aliens.

357
00:14:25,132 --> 00:14:27,067
Oh, come on,
you've got to give me aliens.

358
00:14:27,134 --> 00:14:29,236
Stonehenge, Area 51,

359
00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:31,104
there's alien crap
all over the place.

360
00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:33,040
You can't be serious.

361
00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:35,943
My friend,
you just poked the bear.

362
00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:40,213
So my 9.6...

363
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:42,882
beautiful, charming,
intelligent,

364
00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:44,317
engaged.

365
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:45,685
Oh, Ted.

366
00:14:45,752 --> 00:14:46,920
I'm so sorry.

367
00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:48,221
Yeah, it was a long shot.

368
00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:49,957
I told her to call me anyway
if she changes her mind,

369
00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:51,324
but I don't know.

370
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:54,161
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's not skip over this.

371
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:58,098
Raise your hand if earlier today
you hit on an engaged woman.

372
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:03,403
Come on, Lily.
Don't hate the player.

373
00:15:03,470 --> 00:15:04,604
Hate the game.

374
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:08,541
"On the night of July 2, 1947,

375
00:15:08,608 --> 00:15:11,644
conditions were clear
over Roswell, New Mexico..."

376
00:15:11,711 --> 00:15:13,080
Oh, geez.

377
00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:14,714
Oh, hey, Ted, there's a message
on the machine for you.

378
00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:15,815
Dr. O'Brien.

379
00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:17,050
What?

380
00:15:17,117 --> 00:15:19,519
"When suddenly an array of..."

381
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:22,990
(over machine):
Ted, hi, this is Dr. O'Brien.

382
00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:26,093
About today, listen, I really
need to talk to you.

383
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:28,261
Call me.
I'll be at the office all day.

384
00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:31,431
The doctor will see you now.

385
00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:38,371
What should I do?

386
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:39,506
I should totally
go down there, right?

387
00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:40,707
Don't interfere.

388
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,843
Some guy is expecting to marry
this woman on Saturday.

389
00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:46,079
Yeah, an 8.5 guy.

390
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:47,680
Look, if I was marrying
the wrong person

391
00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:49,616
and the right person was
out there and knew it,

392
00:15:49,682 --> 00:15:52,052
I'd want that person to come
down to my dermatology office

393
00:15:52,119 --> 00:15:53,153
and tell me so.

394
00:15:53,220 --> 00:15:54,387
In that scenario,

395
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:56,456
I'm not interfering,
I'm a happy ending.

396
00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:59,292
(chuckles):
Happy ending.

397
00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:00,627
Look, I have
to go down there.

398
00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:01,928
I don't know what's going
to happen when I get there,

399
00:16:01,995 --> 00:16:03,196
but I've got to
give it a shot.

400
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:04,797
All right, see you later.

401
00:16:04,864 --> 00:16:05,932
Happy hunting.

402
00:16:05,999 --> 00:16:07,267
Wait, where
are you guys going?

403
00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:09,402
Don't you want to stay
and see the cock-a-mouse?

404
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,704
Yeah, we're going to go
make some crop circles.

405
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,309
(trap clatters)

406
00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:17,377
Oh, my God!

407
00:16:17,444 --> 00:16:19,312
Holy crap buckets.
We got it.

408
00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:21,814
What do we do with it?
Calm down.

409
00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:23,050
I have a plan.

410
00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:24,451
I told my friend
Sudeep about it.

411
00:16:24,517 --> 00:16:26,553
He wants to show it to the
Columbia biology department.

412
00:16:26,619 --> 00:16:28,655
But it has to be alive.

413
00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:30,257
Wait, no, no!

414
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:31,924
They'll do lab
experiments on it.

415
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:34,161
That's so mean.

416
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:36,196
Shouldn't we just beat it
to death with a bat?

417
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,469
Hello again.

418
00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:45,938
I'm glad you came down.

419
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:49,109
I would prefer to say this
to you in person.

420
00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:50,143
Go ahead, Sarah.

421
00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:52,279
You can tell me anything.

422
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:55,382
You have
a basal cell carcinoma.

423
00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:58,985
Anything else?

424
00:16:59,052 --> 00:17:00,987
Your mole.

425
00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:02,722
The biopsy came back.

426
00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:03,890
It's not life-threatening,

427
00:17:03,956 --> 00:17:06,193
but we should excise
the rest of it.

428
00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:08,161
Wait, then you're still
getting married?

429
00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:10,197
Of course I'm still
getting married.

430
00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:11,731
But we're a 9.6.

431
00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:13,533
Excuse me?

432
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:14,567
Okay.

433
00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:17,404
I went to Love Solutions,
and I saw

434
00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:18,738
on Ellen Pierce's
computer,

435
00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:20,107
that you and I are a 9.6.

436
00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:21,374
Your fiancé is only

437
00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:22,542
an 8.5.

438
00:17:22,609 --> 00:17:23,976
You looked at my file?

439
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,012
I had to.
You're my only match.

440
00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:28,081
Aren't you even
a little curious?

441
00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:29,349
The woman who set you up
with your fiancé

442
00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:30,850
thinks we're a better match.

443
00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:33,586
I am getting married
on Saturday.

444
00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:38,925
*Summer breeze... *
Ted.

445
00:17:38,991 --> 00:17:41,361
Look, don't you think
you're being a little impulsive

446
00:17:41,428 --> 00:17:43,263
marrying a guy you just met
a few months ago?

447
00:17:43,330 --> 00:17:45,465
Don't you think
it's a little impulsive for you

448
00:17:45,532 --> 00:17:48,034
to proposition an engaged woman
you don't even know?

449
00:17:48,101 --> 00:17:50,303
See?
We're both impulsive.

450
00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:51,738
We're perfect for each other.

451
00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:53,406
Ted, just calm down.

452
00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:56,143
Calm down?!
You're my only match.

453
00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:57,577
God, there was a computer

454
00:17:57,644 --> 00:18:00,747
and there were eight fish
in a sea full of lesbians and...

455
00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:01,814
Okay, Ted, Ted.

456
00:18:03,516 --> 00:18:05,285
Do you honestly believe,
deep down,

457
00:18:05,352 --> 00:18:07,454
that there is no one else
out there for you

458
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,422
just because some computer
says so?

459
00:18:10,957 --> 00:18:14,060
I didn't used to.

460
00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:17,197
But there was math.
I got confused.

461
00:18:17,264 --> 00:18:18,998
Love isn't a science.

462
00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:21,234
You can't calculate
a feeling.

463
00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:23,236
When you fall in
love with someone,

464
00:18:23,303 --> 00:18:26,639
an 8.5 equals a perfect ten.

465
00:18:26,706 --> 00:18:28,841
You're right.

466
00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:31,911
If this thing is
what you say it is,

467
00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:33,813
it could be huge for my career.

468
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,948
Brace yourself, dude.

469
00:18:36,015 --> 00:18:38,818
This is going to
blow your mind hole.

470
00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:43,089
You bastard.

471
00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:44,924
I actually got excited
about this.

472
00:18:44,991 --> 00:18:45,992
What?

473
00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:49,462
It's empty.

474
00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:51,264
Wait, but if
it's not here,

475
00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:53,433
that means...

476
00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:54,501
Lily.

477
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:57,170
(gasps):
Robin!

478
00:18:57,237 --> 00:18:59,406
What?
(squealing)

479
00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:03,142
Oh, my God.
It's real.

480
00:19:03,210 --> 00:19:04,844
No, is it?

481
00:19:04,911 --> 00:19:05,845
Do something.

482
00:19:10,049 --> 00:19:11,284
(screams)

483
00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:13,620
What the hell was that?
You trying to get it drunk?

484
00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:15,722
It was the only thing
I could think of.

485
00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:17,690
Lily!
Thank God.

486
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:19,426
(screams)

487
00:19:21,127 --> 00:19:22,895
Lily, I love you.

488
00:19:22,962 --> 00:19:25,932
Robin, open up the window!
(screams)

489
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,369
(yelling, screaming)

490
00:19:29,436 --> 00:19:32,104
Open the window! Ah!

491
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,207
(sighs heavily)

492
00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:37,244
It can fly.

493
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,912
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.

494
00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:41,714
Be free, mutant beast.

495
00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:44,351
I'll miss
this private war of ours.

496
00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:46,386
I grew to admire
your tenacious...

497
00:19:46,453 --> 00:19:49,021
Holy mother of God,
it's headed this way!

498
00:19:49,088 --> 00:19:50,623
(screaming)

499
00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,266
Hi, Ellen.

500
00:20:01,668 --> 00:20:03,870
I think I want
my money back.

501
00:20:03,936 --> 00:20:06,205
I'm a failure.

502
00:20:06,273 --> 00:20:07,740
I'm all washed up.

503
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:09,409
I tried everything, Ted.

504
00:20:09,476 --> 00:20:11,244
I widened the search parameters.

505
00:20:11,311 --> 00:20:13,313
I tweaked the program.

506
00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:17,550
Last night I stood out
on the street for five hours

507
00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:20,487
showing your photo to random
pedestrians. No takers.

508
00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:23,323
Although
this transvestite hooker

509
00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:24,857
said he/she would do you
for half price

510
00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:26,493
because you kind of look like
John Cusack

511
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:29,496
and his/her favorite movie
was Say Anything.

512
00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:32,932
Come on, Ellen.
I mean, a pint of ice cream,

513
00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:34,166
isn't that a bit cliché?

514
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:37,270
It's for the bourbon.

515
00:20:37,337 --> 00:20:38,405
This isn't hopeless.

516
00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:39,906
You're going to find
someone for me.

517
00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:41,541
No, I won't.

518
00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:43,543
You're going to die alone.

519
00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:46,145
I'm not going to die alone.

520
00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:48,381
Look at me.
I'm bright, I'm attractive.

521
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:50,383
You just got to get back
out there and keep looking.

522
00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:52,285
No, you're never going
to find anybody.

523
00:20:52,352 --> 00:20:54,086
And every year
you're just getting older

524
00:20:54,153 --> 00:20:56,088
and it's getting
harder and harder.

525
00:20:56,155 --> 00:20:57,424
You're being ridiculous.

526
00:20:57,490 --> 00:20:59,025
I'm going to be up on that wall
one of these days.

527
00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,026
No, you won't!

528
00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:01,160
Yes, I will!

529
00:21:01,227 --> 00:21:02,595
How do you know?

530
00:21:02,662 --> 00:21:05,131
I don't know, but I believe.

531
00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:07,367
Hell, if a cockroach and a mouse

532
00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:08,968
can find love
in this crazy city,

533
00:21:09,035 --> 00:21:10,770
then, damn it, so can I.

534
00:21:10,837 --> 00:21:12,972
You're losing me.

535
00:21:13,039 --> 00:21:15,642
The point is, something good's
going to happen to me.

536
00:21:15,708 --> 00:21:17,377
Maybe your computer will help,

537
00:21:17,444 --> 00:21:19,512
maybe it won't,
but it'll happen.

538
00:21:21,648 --> 00:21:23,316
So I should keep looking?

539
00:21:23,383 --> 00:21:25,585
Of course you should.

540
00:21:25,652 --> 00:21:29,822
And now, you're going
to do it for free.