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http://subscene.com/u/659433
Improved by: @Ivandrofly
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PITKA: (IN MORGAN FREEMAN'S VOICE)
When I was a child in India,
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growing up in the tiny village
of Harenmahkeester,
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I found a voice-over machine,
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which I still use
to this day.
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Oh, hi.
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(CHUCKLES)
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I decided to use
the Morgan Freeman setting.
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I am His Holiness
the Guru Pitka.
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In my book, If You're Happy
and You Know it, Think Again,
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I speak of intimacy,
or "into-me-I-see."
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Intimacy is like putting your wiener
on the table and having someone say,
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"That looks like a penis,
only smaller."
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(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
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Only smaller.
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(SIGHS)
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Though I was raised here in India,
I was born in America,
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which is where
our journey begins.
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It's the story of a hockey
player named Darren Roanoke,
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my most resistant student,
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who became
my greatest teacher.
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Or some such bullshit.
I don't know. Gotta go!
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Hi, I'm
Trent Lueders!
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And I'm Jay Kell.
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Tonight is all
about champions.
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But before we get going, I'd like to start
by thanking my own personal champions.
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The fans who supported me
with their cards and letters
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during my recent addiction to
peyote buttons and Frangelico.
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I've already apologized to my
friends, my family, and my god.
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And now, I'd like to apologize
to Dame Judi Dench
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for my vicious
and brutal attack.
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I'm sorry, Judi,
you did not deserve that,
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and I hope the staples
come out soon.
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Over to you, Trent.
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Thanks, Jay!
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Tonight, the Toronto Maple
Leafs' Darren Roanoke
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is the subject of
our player profile.
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Hockey has its legends.
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Now, the new one,
Darren Roanoke.
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Known as the
Tiger Woods of hockey,
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Roanoke brought the sport
to a whole new audience.
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- MAN 1: Hey, yo, check this, son!
- 00:03:18,162
for reasons that cannot
be stated on this program.
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(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
This interview is over.
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(THUDDING)
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(ALL EXCLAIMING)
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Holy
(BLEEP)...
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JAY: That's when
Roanoke fell apart.
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TRENT: Roanoke is hit hard.
Open net! He misses!
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Damn, damn, damn!
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But the question
on everyone's mind is,
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can the Leafs win
without Roanoke?
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Well, can we win the Cup
without Roanoke?
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Not a chance, boss.
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As long as Jacques "Le Coq"
Grande is banging Darren's wife,
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Darren's toast.
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My father once told me the Yankees hired
a guru to turn their team around.
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I have our guru.
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If he can fix Darren,
we win the Cup.
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They call him
the Love Guru.
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(SITAR PLAYING)
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♪ Tumble out of bed ♪
♪ and I stumble to the kitchen ♪
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♪ Pour myself ♪
♪ a cup of ambition ♪
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♪ Yawning, stretching, ♪
♪ try to come to life ♪
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♪ Jump in the shower ♪
♪ and the blood starts pumping ♪
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♪ Out on the streets ♪
♪ the traffic starts jumping ♪
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♪ With folks like me on ♪
♪ the job from 9:00 to 5:00 ♪
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♪ Working 9:00 to 5:00 ♪
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♪ What a way to make a living ♪
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♪ Barely getting by ♪
♪ it's all taking and no giving ♪
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♪ They just use your mind ♪
♪ and they never give you credit ♪
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♪ It's enough to drive you ♪
♪ crazy if you let it ♪
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♪ They let your dream ♪
♪ just to watch them shatter ♪
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♪ You're just a step ♪
♪ on the boss man's ladder ♪
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♪ But you've got dreams ♪
♪ he'll never take away ♪
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♪ You're in the same boat ♪
♪ with a lot of your friends ♪
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♪ Waiting for the day ♪
♪ your ship will come in ♪
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♪ And the tide's gonna turn and ♪
♪ it's all gonna roll your way ♪
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♪ Working 9:00 to 5:00 ♪
♪ for service and devotion ♪
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♪ You would think that I ♪
♪ would deserve a fair promotion ♪
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♪ Want to move ahead but the ♪
♪ boss won't seem to let me ♪
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♪ I swear sometimes ♪
♪ that man is out to get me ♪
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♪ Working 9:00 to 5:00 ♪
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♪ What a way to make a living ♪
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♪ Barely getting by ♪
♪ it's all taking and no giving ♪
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♪ They just use your mind ♪
♪ and they never give you credit ♪
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♪ It's enough to drive you ♪
♪ crazy if you let it ♪
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♪ Working 9:00 to 5:00 ♪
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♪ What a way to make a living ♪
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♪ Barely getting by ♪
♪ it's all taking and no giving ♪
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♪ They just use your mind ♪
♪ and they never give you credit ♪
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♪ It's enough to drive you ♪
♪ crazy if you let it ♪
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♪ Working 9:00 to 5:00, ♪
♪ yeah! ♪
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(PITKA CHUCKLING)
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Here we go, here we go.
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(BEEPING)
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(LAUGHING)
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Mariska Hargitay,
Speedy. Yeah.
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Ride 'em, cowboy.
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Mariska Hargitay,
Your Holiness.
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Rajneesh!
Mariska Hargitay.
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Your manager
Richard Pants is here.
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Dick Pants.
Send him in.
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Mariska Hargitay,
Your Holiness.
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Have you seen
today's paper?
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Oh, don't tell me,
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it's another article about
Deepak Chopra being number one
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and me being
number two?
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Not in as many words.
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Quaking pudding!
I can't take this!
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Not again!
What? Why, why?
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Babu, to be the world's second
most popular
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Neo-Eastern-Self-Help-Spiritualist
is no small thing.
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Thank you, Rajneesh.
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You are my compass.
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Give me a pound.
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Lock it down.
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Break the pickle.
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Tickle, tickle.
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(BOTH GIGGLING)
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You!
You!
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Well, no, you!
You!
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(BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH)
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No, no, no! You!
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Okay. You!
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No! You!
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(COUGHS)
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Stop it!
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Who's the gift
basket from, Dick?
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Brad and Angelina.
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It says, "Thank you for
the gift of true intimacy",
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"but we've decided to work
with Deepak instead."
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What does Deepak Chopra
have that I don't have?
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He's been on Oprah.
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Oprah!
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And Oprah loves
a great story.
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Now, take a look at this.
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The Toronto Maple Leafs
will pay you $2 million,
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if you can get Darren
Roanoke back with his wife
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in time to win
the Stanley Cup.
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Two million dollars!
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That's a lot of cheese.
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But wait,
it gets better!
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I spoke to
Oprah's producers,
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and if you can restore
Darren Roanoke's marriage,
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they guarantee that
you will be on her show!
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Let me get
this straight.
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If I fix their marriage,
I get on Oprah,
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and if I get on Oprah,
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I'm the next
Deepak Chopra!
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MAN: Deepak Chopra.
Maurice Pitka.
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Please enter the ashram
of the Guru Tugginmypudha.
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(EXCLAIMS)
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Guru Tugginmypudha,
you are so good with nunchucks,
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yet you are blind.
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TUGGINMYPUDHA: I am not blind.
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I am just
severely cross-eyed.
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I know, it is weird.
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Be seated.
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(HUMMING)
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Deepak, here you go.
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Maurice, you're
not of Indian blood.
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Speak of your parents.
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They are both dead.
They were missionaries.
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And what did they
do before then?
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They were dog stylists.
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So, let me get
this straight.
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They were into doggy style
before the missionary position?
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(TUGGINMYPUDHA LAUGHING)
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That's hilarious. My parents are dead.
Thanks.
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Deepak,
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why do you want to join
the Tugginmypudha Ashram?
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To seek my true self.
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All right, kiss ass.
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Maurice, why do you
want to join?
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I want to become a guru
so girls will like me.
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Then I will like myself.
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Deepak, you will enjoy
love in all forms.
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Maurice, you must wear
this chastity belt.
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(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)
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Chastity belt?
That sucks!
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Once you have learned
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that self-love is more important
than being loved by others,
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you may remove the belt.
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Master, if I am not allowed
to be with a woman,
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may I still...
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(EXCLAIMS)
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You will go cross-eyed!
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(TUGGINMYPUDHA LAUGHS)
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Guaranteed.
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(ALL CHANTING)
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00:12:09,461 --> 00:12:11,928
(ALL CHEERING)
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00:12:14,565 --> 00:12:16,483
Mariska Hargitay. Yeah.
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00:12:16,551 --> 00:12:18,769
ALL: Mariska Hargitay.
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00:12:18,837 --> 00:12:21,605
I am His Holiness,
the Guru Pitka.
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00:12:21,673 --> 00:12:23,340
Welcome to my ashram,
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00:12:23,407 --> 00:12:26,443
the Ecumenical Intuitive Enlightenment
Initiative Organization,
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00:12:26,511 --> 00:12:29,847
or EIEIO.
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00:12:29,914 --> 00:12:31,348
Guru Pitka had a farm.
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00:12:31,415 --> 00:12:32,950
ALL: EIEIO.
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00:12:33,018 --> 00:12:35,185
And on that farm,
he did no harm.
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00:12:35,253 --> 00:12:36,953
00:12:54,538
My goal is to get you to say,
"Gee, you are you."
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00:12:54,606 --> 00:12:55,972
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
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00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:57,508
TM.
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00:12:57,576 --> 00:13:01,846
And the you of "guru"
is intimacy.
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00:13:01,913 --> 00:13:04,181
Or "into-me-I-see."
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00:13:04,248 --> 00:13:05,499
WOMAN: I see.
224
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:08,052
Without intimacy,
you feel nowhere.
225
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:12,589
Tonight I want you
to go from nowhere
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00:13:12,657 --> 00:13:14,925
to "now here."
227
00:13:14,993 --> 00:13:16,526
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
228
00:13:16,594 --> 00:13:18,345
Yeah.
229
00:13:18,413 --> 00:13:20,297
It's like in The Electric
Company, you know?
230
00:13:20,364 --> 00:13:21,699
Now...
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00:13:22,333 --> 00:13:23,567
Here.
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00:13:24,302 --> 00:13:26,703
BOTH: Nowhere.
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00:13:26,738 --> 00:13:30,374
My laws of intimacy are
kind of like my Bible.
234
00:13:30,441 --> 00:13:33,377
And let's look at the word
"Bible," shall we?
235
00:13:33,444 --> 00:13:37,481
The Bible is "basic instructions
before leaving earth."
236
00:13:37,549 --> 00:13:38,815
TM.
237
00:13:38,883 --> 00:13:40,300
(ALL EXCLAIMS)
238
00:13:40,368 --> 00:13:42,802
Put that shit on a T-shirt.
239
00:13:42,870 --> 00:13:44,488
Show the T-shirt.
240
00:13:44,555 --> 00:13:45,722
00:14:25,028
"To do something is God."
250
00:14:28,032 --> 00:14:31,802
Then, after he got syphilis,
he would say things like,
251
00:14:31,870 --> 00:14:34,354
"Eatin' ain't cheatin'."
252
00:14:34,422 --> 00:14:36,656
"Did it smell that bad
when you ate it?"
253
00:14:36,724 --> 00:14:37,741
(ALL EXCLAIMS)
254
00:14:37,909 --> 00:14:41,444
"Liquor up front,
poker in back."
255
00:14:41,512 --> 00:14:46,182
But his point was this, "If you can't
love yourself, you can't love another."
256
00:14:46,250 --> 00:14:47,284
(ALL EXCLAIMS)
257
00:14:47,351 --> 00:14:50,453
And that's the end
of that one. Yeah.
258
00:14:50,939 --> 00:14:52,639
ALL: Mariska Hargitay.
259
00:14:53,374 --> 00:14:55,292
Some announcements.
260
00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:56,474
On Friday,
261
00:14:56,500 --> 00:15:00,955
please join us for our first annual
Gamblers Anonymous Monte Carlo Night.
262
00:15:00,998 --> 00:15:03,400
Yeah. Just for funzies,
you know.
263
00:15:03,468 --> 00:15:05,602
Bring your singles.
Yeah.
264
00:15:05,604 --> 00:15:08,138
All right, good night,
everyone! Yeah!
265
00:15:08,205 --> 00:15:10,006
Thank you so much!
266
00:15:10,074 --> 00:15:11,808
(ALL CHEERING)
267
00:15:15,563 --> 00:15:17,197
(ALL CHEERING)
268
00:15:22,103 --> 00:15:24,087
Great show, Guru Pitka.
269
00:15:24,155 --> 00:15:26,990
Hey, any bears
in the cave?
270
00:15:27,057 --> 00:15:28,425
Any bears?
Oh, yeah.
271
00:15:28,493 --> 00:15:30,827
Bear cub. Left cave.
272
00:15:30,895 --> 00:15:32,095
Right here?
There. Right there.
273
00:15:32,163 --> 00:15:33,764
Yeah. Right.
274
00:15:33,831 --> 00:15:37,233
That little booger gave me a
nose-whistle during the whole show.
275
00:15:37,301 --> 00:15:39,369
00:16:53,126
(LAW AND ORDER SOUND EFFECT)
297
00:16:54,612 --> 00:16:56,379
(LAW AND ORDER SOUND EFFECT)
298
00:16:56,447 --> 00:16:57,831
The whole nine yards.
299
00:16:57,899 --> 00:16:59,766
Thank you, Your Holiness.
300
00:16:59,834 --> 00:17:04,004
You have gone
from nowhere to now here.
301
00:17:05,540 --> 00:17:07,974
I'm beautiful
and I have a secret.
302
00:17:08,909 --> 00:17:10,076
Bang.
303
00:17:10,845 --> 00:17:12,446
(PITKA CHUCKLING)
304
00:17:13,798 --> 00:17:15,431
Yes.
305
00:17:15,499 --> 00:17:20,187
Guru Pitka, this is Jane Bullard,
owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs.
306
00:17:26,694 --> 00:17:28,328
(SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
307
00:17:49,650 --> 00:17:50,951
DICK: Guru Pitka?
308
00:17:51,018 --> 00:17:52,970
Hold on one second.
309
00:17:53,037 --> 00:17:54,921
DICK: Guru Pitka?
310
00:17:54,989 --> 00:17:56,622
No!
311
00:17:56,690 --> 00:17:58,975
(STUTTERING)
312
00:17:59,043 --> 00:18:03,546
So, you are the owner of the ice
hockey team, the Toronto Maple Leaves?
313
00:18:03,614 --> 00:18:05,482
Actually,
it's Leafs.
314
00:18:05,550 --> 00:18:06,583
Who said that?
315
00:18:06,651 --> 00:18:07,700
(EXCLAIMS)
316
00:18:07,768 --> 00:18:09,052
How did you get there?
317
00:18:10,488 --> 00:18:12,389
This little guy scared
the crap out of me.
318
00:18:12,457 --> 00:18:13,857
I think I'm gonna have
to do a panty check.
319
00:18:13,924 --> 00:18:16,793
I might have some
monkey-mustard back there.
320
00:18:16,861 --> 00:18:18,495
No, I am good.
321
00:18:18,497 --> 00:18:19,696
Who is this prick?
322
00:18:19,698 --> 00:18:20,563
Shh.
323
00:18:20,631 --> 00:18:23,417
Well, how do you do?
Shrimp?
324
00:18:24,419 --> 00:18:26,135
What'd you call me, Jagamo?
325
00:18:26,203 --> 00:18:29,006
I'm sorry, I didn't catch
your gnome... Name!
326
00:18:30,008 --> 00:18:32,509
You are a midget.
327
00:18:32,577 --> 00:18:34,745
I find that term
condescending!
328
00:18:34,812 --> 00:18:38,398
Condescending.
That's a big word for you.
329
00:18:39,717 --> 00:18:41,151
The man's an ass!
330
00:18:41,219 --> 00:18:44,504
Your Holiness,
you're an expert on love.
331
00:18:44,572 --> 00:18:45,755
Yes, I am.
332
00:18:45,824 --> 00:18:48,474
Why do you think Darren Roanoke
threw away his marriage?
333
00:18:48,542 --> 00:18:52,178
Well, in my book, I Know You Are,
But What Am I?
334
00:18:52,246 --> 00:18:54,314
I explain that when
love goes wrong...
335
00:18:54,382 --> 00:18:56,116
Nothing goes right
...nothing goes right.
336
00:18:56,183 --> 00:18:57,450
Yes!
337
00:18:57,518 --> 00:18:58,752
I've read it.
It's impressive.
338
00:18:58,819 --> 00:19:01,254
Yeah, it's nothing short
of a masterpiece.
339
00:19:01,322 --> 00:19:04,458
So, do you think you can come back
with us to Toronto in the team jet?
340
00:19:04,525 --> 00:19:06,075
It's a date.
341
00:19:06,143 --> 00:19:07,143
Is it, now?
342
00:19:07,145 --> 00:19:10,948
Well, this kitten's
got a whip. Meow!
343
00:19:11,015 --> 00:19:12,449
(IMITATING WHIP CRACKING)
344
00:19:14,385 --> 00:19:16,536
This is great,
Your Holiness!
345
00:19:16,604 --> 00:19:21,007
I can see you now, spreading
your message of self-love
346
00:19:21,075 --> 00:19:23,060
on Oprah.
Oprah!
347
00:19:23,127 --> 00:19:25,512
He's finally here for the
first time on the Oprah show.
348
00:19:25,579 --> 00:19:28,080
Welcome Guru Pitka.
349
00:19:31,719 --> 00:19:35,672
Oprah! Come on, Oprah.
350
00:19:41,529 --> 00:19:43,129
Hello.
351
00:19:43,164 --> 00:19:45,598
Thank you very much.
352
00:19:45,667 --> 00:19:49,569
Mariska Hargitay.
Thank you for the gift of water.
353
00:19:49,637 --> 00:19:52,089
All right, I'm just gonna
come out and say it.
354
00:19:52,156 --> 00:19:54,857
I find your work
really inspiring.
355
00:19:54,925 --> 00:19:58,945
I actually went to one of your
sutras after my father passed away.
356
00:19:59,013 --> 00:20:01,631
I'm sorry to hear
about your father.
357
00:20:01,699 --> 00:20:04,051
Have you read my book
on the grieving process?
358
00:20:04,118 --> 00:20:07,453
It's called, What's This?
A Dead One of These.
359
00:20:08,956 --> 00:20:10,957
Yes.
Oh, you have?
360
00:20:11,225 --> 00:20:15,578
I especially like the chapter,
"It Might Just Be Sleeping."
361
00:20:15,697 --> 00:20:17,430
My favorite.
362
00:20:17,498 --> 00:20:19,065
I've read all your books.
363
00:20:19,133 --> 00:20:20,417
Oh. Well.
364
00:20:20,484 --> 00:20:23,920
To tell you the truth, I kind
of have a schoolgirl crush.
365
00:20:24,972 --> 00:20:27,340
Oh, really?
366
00:20:27,408 --> 00:20:30,276
What does your husband
think about this crush?
367
00:20:30,344 --> 00:20:31,895
I'm not married.
368
00:20:32,730 --> 00:20:33,964
Boyfriend?
369
00:20:34,031 --> 00:20:35,298
Nope.
370
00:20:36,617 --> 00:20:37,935
Girlfriend?
371
00:20:39,487 --> 00:20:41,605
Well, I mean, there was
one time in college.
372
00:20:41,672 --> 00:20:42,539
Really?
373
00:20:42,606 --> 00:20:44,691
(METAL CLANKING)
What was that?
374
00:20:44,759 --> 00:20:46,276
I didn't hear anything.
375
00:20:49,813 --> 00:20:52,815
Well, it's hard to believe a
girl like you can't find a man.
376
00:20:52,883 --> 00:20:54,400
What does that mean,
"a girl like me"?
377
00:20:54,468 --> 00:20:56,419
Well, come on,
I don't have words for it.
378
00:20:56,487 --> 00:21:00,657
You know, nice girl,
intelligent,
379
00:21:01,558 --> 00:21:04,361
bedroom eyes,
pouty lips,
380
00:21:04,428 --> 00:21:07,364
great rack,
tight bell-shaped ass,
381
00:21:07,431 --> 00:21:08,898
thicker than a Snicker...
382
00:21:10,267 --> 00:21:12,518
Say.
383
00:21:12,586 --> 00:21:15,688
My problem with men
is the Bullard Curse.
384
00:21:15,756 --> 00:21:17,524
What's a Bullard Curse?
385
00:21:17,592 --> 00:21:23,180
My father, Hank Bullard,
bought the Leafs in 1967.
386
00:21:23,247 --> 00:21:25,866
And we haven't won
a Stanley Cup since.
387
00:21:25,868 --> 00:21:29,052
So, all the men in the city
blame me and my family.
388
00:21:29,119 --> 00:21:32,522
Well, as I write in my book
Stop Hitting Yourself.
389
00:21:32,589 --> 00:21:34,524
Stop Hitting Yourself.
390
00:21:34,591 --> 00:21:37,410
Why Are You Still
Hitting Yourself?
391
00:21:37,478 --> 00:21:42,515
I explain that, people may
say bad things about you,
392
00:21:42,583 --> 00:21:45,819
but you must never say bad
things about yourself.
393
00:21:48,539 --> 00:21:50,740
I see someone who's
ready for change.
394
00:21:51,709 --> 00:21:53,676
It would just be
easier to change,
395
00:21:53,744 --> 00:21:56,513
if I didn't have to deal
with the city that hates me.
396
00:21:56,580 --> 00:21:59,249
Jane, the City of Toronto
doesn't hate you.
397
00:21:59,317 --> 00:22:01,468
Oh, yeah, they do.
Oh, no, they don't.
398
00:22:01,535 --> 00:22:03,015
Oh, yeah, they do.
Oh, no, they don't.
399
00:22:03,054 --> 00:22:04,337
Trust me.
400
00:22:04,404 --> 00:22:06,138
At the arena, I had
Maintenance paint lines
401
00:22:06,206 --> 00:22:07,874
to show me where
the crowd can't see me.
402
00:22:12,596 --> 00:22:15,448
You know,
so they don't boo me
403
00:22:15,516 --> 00:22:18,702
and throw stuff at my head.
404
00:22:21,689 --> 00:22:24,074
I mean, I didn't even
ask for this job!
405
00:22:24,141 --> 00:22:25,374
I guess it's just my fate!
406
00:22:25,442 --> 00:22:27,077
Fate is a joke.
407
00:22:27,144 --> 00:22:31,681
And as I once read on a wall, in a
truck stop bathroom in Barstow,
408
00:22:31,749 --> 00:22:35,184
"The joke is
in your hands."
409
00:22:37,971 --> 00:22:40,106
Oh, my God,
I just got that!
410
00:22:41,609 --> 00:22:45,344
Well, to be more accurate, the
joke was in Rajneesh's hands.
411
00:22:48,549 --> 00:22:49,549
What?
412
00:23:02,946 --> 00:23:04,397
Nice shooting!
413
00:23:06,233 --> 00:23:09,035
I am His Holiness,
the Guru Pitka.
414
00:23:09,103 --> 00:23:10,754
Look, man, just get back
on your pillow, all right?
415
00:23:10,821 --> 00:23:13,290
There ain't no connection between
my love life and my hockey.
416
00:23:13,357 --> 00:23:15,041
I'm not here
to work with you.
417
00:23:15,109 --> 00:23:17,994
I just came by to say
hello and goodbye.
418
00:23:18,061 --> 00:23:19,596
Goodbye?
Yeah.
419
00:23:19,664 --> 00:23:21,498
I spoke with your wife,
Prudence.
420
00:23:21,565 --> 00:23:23,333
She broke it off
with Grande,
421
00:23:23,401 --> 00:23:25,602
and now she wants you back!
422
00:23:25,670 --> 00:23:26,836
Seriously?
423
00:23:26,904 --> 00:23:28,738
Sure. You don't need me.
424
00:23:28,806 --> 00:23:31,074
Go back to what
you were doing.
425
00:23:34,978 --> 00:23:36,113
(WHOOPING)
426
00:23:40,050 --> 00:23:41,151
Yes!
427
00:23:41,153 --> 00:23:43,569
There is one other thing.
428
00:23:43,637 --> 00:23:45,005
I lied.
429
00:23:45,072 --> 00:23:46,552
Prudence is still
with Jacques Grande,
430
00:23:46,607 --> 00:23:49,058
and he still has the
biggest wiener in hockey.
431
00:23:50,294 --> 00:23:51,294
(GROANS)
432
00:23:51,295 --> 00:23:52,545
Ooh. Ow.
433
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:54,831
Is it true?
434
00:23:54,898 --> 00:23:57,100
Yes, he has
a ginormous hog.
435
00:23:57,168 --> 00:24:00,086
Do you still think
there is no connection
436
00:24:00,154 --> 00:24:03,639
between Prudence and how
crappy you are playing?
437
00:24:03,641 --> 00:24:04,924
Tell me this.
438
00:24:04,992 --> 00:24:06,960
Do you want Prudence back?
Of course I do.
439
00:24:07,027 --> 00:24:09,962
Then I need you to write
Prudence an apology letter,
440
00:24:10,030 --> 00:24:12,498
and I will go
deliver it to her.
441
00:24:12,566 --> 00:24:14,801
All bids for connection count.
442
00:24:16,653 --> 00:24:17,787
What if it doesn't work?
443
00:24:17,855 --> 00:24:20,056
I can always
refund your misery.
444
00:24:23,127 --> 00:24:24,827
I was ominous just then.
445
00:24:31,335 --> 00:24:33,169
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)
446
00:24:43,681 --> 00:24:46,432
Grande's not going to like
you talking to Prudence.
447
00:24:46,500 --> 00:24:49,719
I know, but I must deliver
this apology letter to her.
448
00:24:49,787 --> 00:24:51,921
00:29:57,977
TM.
544
00:29:59,329 --> 00:30:01,030
You better stop right there.
545
00:30:01,165 --> 00:30:05,000
Blowme is a good way to remember that.
Blowme, yeah.
546
00:30:05,068 --> 00:30:08,504
Blowme, yeah. Blowme.
547
00:30:08,572 --> 00:30:09,772
Blowme.
548
00:30:10,307 --> 00:30:11,590
You should stop.
549
00:30:11,658 --> 00:30:13,893
Well, I'm sure
you're sick of this.
550
00:30:13,961 --> 00:30:16,963
I know Prudence has had it
up to here with Grande.
551
00:30:17,030 --> 00:30:18,347
All right,
you know what?
552
00:30:19,115 --> 00:30:20,233
(CLICKS)
553
00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:25,304
I can't move my body!
554
00:30:25,371 --> 00:30:28,892
It is an Indian martial art
known as "how to hurt a guy."
555
00:30:28,959 --> 00:30:30,894
I am poking
your third eye.
556
00:30:30,961 --> 00:30:34,213
And if I twist my thumb,
I can make you crap yourself!
557
00:30:34,281 --> 00:30:36,699
So, what do you
want me to do?
558
00:30:36,767 --> 00:30:40,135
What I need is to get you
to follow my method, Drama.
559
00:30:40,203 --> 00:30:42,271
We must distract you
from your emotional pain,
560
00:30:42,338 --> 00:30:44,106
regress you back
to your childhood.
561
00:30:44,174 --> 00:30:46,842
We must adjust your
negativity, mature you,
562
00:30:46,910 --> 00:30:48,544
and put it all into action.
563
00:30:48,612 --> 00:30:52,615
If you follow my method,
not only will you win Stanley's Cup,
564
00:30:52,683 --> 00:30:54,917
but you'll also
get Prudence back.
565
00:30:54,984 --> 00:30:56,202
You think this'll work?
566
00:30:56,270 --> 00:30:57,854
Depends.
Depends on what?
567
00:30:57,921 --> 00:31:00,039
No, you might want to
pick up some Depends.
568
00:31:00,106 --> 00:31:02,742
I may have twisted
my thumb. Yeah.
569
00:31:02,810 --> 00:31:04,327
Check for coins.
570
00:31:04,394 --> 00:31:05,762
Think fast.
571
00:31:05,829 --> 00:31:07,129
Drama!
572
00:31:07,197 --> 00:31:08,530
00:31:18,074
Distraction.
576
00:31:20,344 --> 00:31:21,877
(FARTS)
577
00:31:21,945 --> 00:31:25,164
Maurice, if Plato,
Shakespeare and Einstein
578
00:31:25,232 --> 00:31:27,533
were talking about
the meaning of life,
579
00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:30,736
and two elephants
started humping outside,
580
00:31:30,804 --> 00:31:32,855
even they would
rush to the window.
581
00:31:32,923 --> 00:31:35,007
It is the ultimate
distraction.
582
00:31:37,161 --> 00:31:40,496
We shall now compete
in a game of tag.
583
00:31:40,563 --> 00:31:42,515
It is called Stink Mop.
584
00:31:43,267 --> 00:31:45,401
Enter, Sanjay!
585
00:31:45,469 --> 00:31:46,669
(FLIES BUZZING)
586
00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:51,808
Enter, Maurice.
587
00:31:57,714 --> 00:31:58,797
(LAUGHING)
588
00:31:58,866 --> 00:31:59,866
(FARTS)
589
00:31:59,933 --> 00:32:02,619
Commence Stink Mop.
590
00:32:04,404 --> 00:32:06,155
ALL: Stink Mop! Stink Mop!
591
00:32:06,189 --> 00:32:08,057
ALL: Stink Mop.
Go.
592
00:32:10,844 --> 00:32:12,094
Stink Mop.
593
00:32:12,096 --> 00:32:13,195
ALL: Stink Mop!
594
00:32:13,664 --> 00:32:15,297
Maurice.
595
00:32:15,365 --> 00:32:17,967
What are you not
thinking about?
596
00:32:18,035 --> 00:32:20,770
I am not thinking
about my chastity belt.
597
00:32:20,838 --> 00:32:22,354
That is distraction.
598
00:32:22,422 --> 00:32:23,689
Yes!
599
00:32:23,757 --> 00:32:26,442
I get it!
I am distracted!
600
00:32:31,381 --> 00:32:34,483
Good distraction frees us
from emotional pain.
601
00:32:34,551 --> 00:32:37,086
Bad distraction gives you
a mouth full of whizz.
602
00:32:38,405 --> 00:32:40,406
(TUGGINMYPUDHA LAUGHING)
603
00:32:44,978 --> 00:32:47,529
Once again,
I'm Trent Lueders.
604
00:32:47,597 --> 00:32:49,165
And I'm Jay Kell.
605
00:32:49,232 --> 00:32:50,516
Go, Leafs, go!
Go, Leafs, go!
606
00:32:50,583 --> 00:32:52,583
TRENT: Tonight, game one
of the Stanley Cup Finals.
607
00:32:52,586 --> 00:32:56,672
L.A. Kings, Toronto Maple Leafs.
It's gonna get ugly.
608
00:32:56,740 --> 00:32:59,291
Ugly. You want
to hear ugly?
609
00:32:59,359 --> 00:33:02,395
At Promises, I shivved a guy
with a sharpened toothbrush
610
00:33:02,463 --> 00:33:04,964
because he bogarted
the rehab toilet hooch
611
00:33:05,031 --> 00:33:07,866
that I'd made from
apples and pantyhose.
612
00:33:07,934 --> 00:33:10,236
That was ugly.
613
00:33:10,304 --> 00:33:11,570
Over to you, Trent.
614
00:33:12,188 --> 00:33:14,340
Thanks, Jay.
615
00:33:14,407 --> 00:33:16,075
All right, guys.
Bring it in.
616
00:33:16,142 --> 00:33:19,412
Let's rip off their heads
and shit down their necks!
617
00:33:19,479 --> 00:33:20,796
ALL: Yeah!
618
00:33:20,864 --> 00:33:22,932
- Go! Go!
- ALL: Here we go!
619
00:33:23,033 --> 00:33:26,051
Now, the first lesson
is distraction.
620
00:33:26,119 --> 00:33:27,787
In order to
learn distraction,
621
00:33:27,854 --> 00:33:30,656
you're not allowed to fight
anyone in today's hockey match.
622
00:33:30,723 --> 00:33:33,123
I'm a hockey player! That's what
hockey players do. We fight!
623
00:33:33,159 --> 00:33:34,477
It's a problem.
624
00:33:34,544 --> 00:33:36,729
Even Jay-Z had 99 of them,
625
00:33:36,796 --> 00:33:39,732
and the bitch was
not one of them.
626
00:33:39,799 --> 00:33:42,635
Now, do you want
to win Stanley's Cup?
627
00:33:42,702 --> 00:33:45,021
Yes, I wanna win
the Stanley Cup!
628
00:33:45,055 --> 00:33:48,474
Then you are not allowed to
fight anyone for any reason!
629
00:33:51,728 --> 00:33:53,562
Don't fight!
630
00:33:53,630 --> 00:33:55,581
Now, get out there,
and don't kill them.
631
00:33:59,068 --> 00:34:00,836
What is that?
Corn dog.
632
00:34:01,838 --> 00:34:03,005
What is it?
633
00:34:03,072 --> 00:34:05,458
Is it made from dog?
634
00:34:05,526 --> 00:34:07,426
What a freaking idiot.
635
00:34:08,862 --> 00:34:12,748
Is this a dog's thingy?
Am I being punk'd?
636
00:34:12,816 --> 00:34:16,385
TRENT: Ladies and gentlemen,
the Leafs take the ice.
637
00:34:27,347 --> 00:34:28,915
Hello, Los Angeles Kings.
638
00:34:29,082 --> 00:34:31,166
I am His Holiness,
the Guru Pitka.
639
00:34:31,234 --> 00:34:34,019
And I have a message
from Darren Roanoke.
640
00:34:34,087 --> 00:34:39,558
He told me to tell you
that you're all his bitches,
641
00:34:39,625 --> 00:34:42,127
and that you can
suck his big greasy...
642
00:34:42,195 --> 00:34:43,462
(BUZZER BLARES)
643
00:34:44,848 --> 00:34:46,765
Mariska Hargitay.
644
00:34:51,688 --> 00:34:53,305
I'm gonna kill you,
Roanoke!
645
00:34:53,373 --> 00:34:54,890
You're dead,
Roanoke!
646
00:34:54,958 --> 00:34:56,625
Damn, Roanoke!
647
00:34:56,693 --> 00:35:00,178
TRENT: And we're getting ready to drop
the puck for game one of the Finals.
648
00:35:00,180 --> 00:35:02,731
I know I'm excited, Jay.
How are you?
649
00:35:02,799 --> 00:35:04,467
I am rigid.
650
00:35:05,752 --> 00:35:07,086
(GRUNTING)
651
00:35:15,896 --> 00:35:17,780
TRENT: It's a yard sale!
652
00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:21,133
What?
653
00:35:21,135 --> 00:35:22,334
Not to fight.
654
00:35:22,402 --> 00:35:24,770
You are not to fight anyone.
655
00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:38,400
Oh!
656
00:35:38,468 --> 00:35:41,904
I would not wanna
be his nutsack.
657
00:35:41,972 --> 00:35:44,606
TRENT: They're coming
after Roanoke!
658
00:35:50,046 --> 00:35:51,297
Get up!
659
00:35:55,135 --> 00:35:56,368
What the hell
are you doing?
660
00:35:56,436 --> 00:35:59,554
Superstar,
look at your hands.
661
00:36:00,573 --> 00:36:02,040
They're not shaking!
662
00:36:02,108 --> 00:36:03,225
Yes.
663
00:36:05,612 --> 00:36:09,164
TRENT: Roanoke with the puck.
What a pass!
664
00:36:09,233 --> 00:36:12,885
Goal! Roanoke may be
fighting for his life,
665
00:36:12,952 --> 00:36:14,687
but he's playing great!
666
00:36:21,361 --> 00:36:25,765
TRENT: Rob Blake is lucky
the refs didn't see that.
667
00:36:25,832 --> 00:36:28,851
But the refs will see that on
our post-game highlight reel.
668
00:36:28,919 --> 00:36:33,789
That is the Altoids "Curiously Strong
Elbow to the Face" of the game.
669
00:36:33,857 --> 00:36:36,742
Oh, God.
Am I still dreaming?
670
00:36:37,878 --> 00:36:40,146
No. Why do you ask?
671
00:36:42,081 --> 00:36:43,582
Why'd you tell me
not to fight?
672
00:36:43,633 --> 00:36:47,002
Because you are now distracted,
therefore playing better.
673
00:36:47,070 --> 00:36:48,537
It's the only way.
674
00:36:48,605 --> 00:36:50,355
Yeah, well, I can't keep
getting my ass kicked!
675
00:36:50,357 --> 00:36:53,609
Fine! Fight anyone
for any reason.
676
00:36:53,677 --> 00:36:56,629
You just said don't fight...
What, it's just arbitrary with you?
677
00:36:56,696 --> 00:36:58,630
Of course not!
678
00:36:58,698 --> 00:37:00,499
But we will let
the dice decide.
679
00:37:03,036 --> 00:37:06,622
Yes, it is arbitrary!
Fight anyone for any reason!
680
00:37:12,162 --> 00:37:13,629
Fight anyone.
681
00:37:21,722 --> 00:37:25,373
It's a bench-clearing
brawl!
682
00:37:25,441 --> 00:37:27,905
Remember, kids, this is
not how you play hockey.
683
00:37:27,931 --> 00:37:28,885
It's just ugly.
684
00:37:28,928 --> 00:37:30,079
I like it.
685
00:37:30,864 --> 00:37:32,064
(JACQUES GROANING)
686
00:37:37,220 --> 00:37:38,487
That was a good one.
687
00:37:39,715 --> 00:37:40,715
(WHISTLES)
688
00:37:40,740 --> 00:37:43,092
One game suspension,
Roanoke!
689
00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:45,611
Way to go, Roanoke!
You jag-off!
690
00:37:47,213 --> 00:37:48,280
DARREN: Him, too?
691
00:37:48,348 --> 00:37:51,417
Anyone for any reason.
692
00:37:57,290 --> 00:38:00,142
I love my job!
693
00:38:01,861 --> 00:38:03,095
Two games!
694
00:38:03,162 --> 00:38:04,697
Now, it's a two-game
suspension.
695
00:38:04,764 --> 00:38:08,467
That would mean Roanoke would
be out for game two and three!
696
00:38:08,535 --> 00:38:09,969
He could play in game four.
697
00:38:10,303 --> 00:38:12,387
Of course, we don't know
if we're going to game five!
698
00:38:12,455 --> 00:38:15,057
Two and three, out,
can't play in the game.
699
00:38:15,124 --> 00:38:17,559
He could watch the game
at home, but he can't play!
700
00:38:17,627 --> 00:38:19,979
He can pretend to play
while he's at home,
701
00:38:20,046 --> 00:38:25,084
but he cannot play on the ice in
the game that we're watching,
702
00:38:25,152 --> 00:38:28,553
which is after this game,
'cause we're in game one.
703
00:38:28,621 --> 00:38:31,523
You have a firm
grasp of the obvious.
704
00:38:34,311 --> 00:38:35,877
WOMAN: How could he do that?
705
00:38:39,099 --> 00:38:40,765
Are you all right?
706
00:38:42,819 --> 00:38:44,587
I'd like to thank
the Academy.
707
00:38:44,654 --> 00:38:47,389
Wow, these things
are heavy. Yeah.
708
00:38:47,457 --> 00:38:49,225
Put me down, A-hole!
Okay.
709
00:38:51,644 --> 00:38:55,514
TRENT: And the Kings take the first
game of the Stanley Cup Finals.
710
00:38:56,833 --> 00:38:58,000
Damn it!
711
00:38:58,735 --> 00:39:00,769
Cherkov, relax!
712
00:39:00,837 --> 00:39:02,637
Now, everyone,
let's just take a seat.
713
00:39:02,706 --> 00:39:03,872
Okay.
714
00:39:05,208 --> 00:39:06,508
00:41:16,343
DARREN: Okay. Yo, this
my street right here.
763
00:41:16,369 --> 00:41:17,155
Tonawanda Street.
764
00:41:17,157 --> 00:41:18,990
Tonawanda Street?
I know this street.
765
00:41:19,058 --> 00:41:20,792
You do?
Yes.
766
00:41:20,860 --> 00:41:22,744
At what number
did you live?
767
00:41:22,812 --> 00:41:24,195
Fifty-three.
768
00:41:24,263 --> 00:41:26,948
Do you know a
Dickie Withers at 85?
769
00:41:27,016 --> 00:41:29,284
No.
Well, it does.
770
00:41:29,352 --> 00:41:32,937
A dickie does wither at 85.
I own you! Yeah!
771
00:41:32,939 --> 00:41:34,710
Yeah!
You are laughing!
772
00:41:34,736 --> 00:41:38,201
You see,
you're filled with joy of a child!
773
00:41:38,244 --> 00:41:40,912
You are now ready
to meet your ma.
774
00:41:45,118 --> 00:41:47,435
I'm warning you, GP,
my mom's tough.
775
00:41:47,503 --> 00:41:50,305
PITKA: Oh, please.
How bad can she be?
776
00:41:50,373 --> 00:41:53,258
♪ CHOIR: Raise it up ♪
♪ and make a joyful noise ♪
777
00:41:53,260 --> 00:41:55,877
♪ Oh, I shall not be moved ♪
778
00:41:55,945 --> 00:41:57,779
♪ No, no, no, no ♪
779
00:41:57,847 --> 00:41:59,581
♪ No, I shall not be moved ♪
780
00:41:59,649 --> 00:42:00,882
♪ No, no ♪
781
00:42:00,884 --> 00:42:04,486
♪ Lead me to your rock ♪
782
00:42:04,554 --> 00:42:07,055
♪ Where I shall not be ♪
783
00:42:07,122 --> 00:42:13,078
♪ I shall not be moved ♪
784
00:42:13,146 --> 00:42:15,897
PITKA: Remember, Darren,
you must stand up to her.
785
00:42:15,965 --> 00:42:17,032
DARREN: Got it.
786
00:42:17,099 --> 00:42:18,466
Baby boy.
787
00:42:18,534 --> 00:42:20,819
Oh, Mom.
788
00:42:20,887 --> 00:42:23,388
Now, why won't you let
your ma come see you play?
789
00:42:23,439 --> 00:42:26,275
It's just that you're not
always the most supportive, Ma.
790
00:42:26,342 --> 00:42:27,809
Supportive?
791
00:42:30,263 --> 00:42:32,113
Pressure makes diamonds.
792
00:42:32,181 --> 00:42:34,382
Pressure also
makes rubble.
793
00:42:36,352 --> 00:42:40,188
And after a good whipping,
cream rises to the top.
794
00:42:40,239 --> 00:42:41,773
So does scum!
795
00:42:41,841 --> 00:42:42,841
(CHUCKLES)
796
00:42:44,010 --> 00:42:45,644
You're the Guru Pitka.
797
00:42:45,711 --> 00:42:47,178
Yes, I am.
798
00:42:47,246 --> 00:42:49,681
You're like the poor
man's Deepak Chopra.
799
00:42:49,799 --> 00:42:51,232
Game over.
800
00:42:51,234 --> 00:42:52,750
Oh, Mom, don't, don't.
801
00:42:52,818 --> 00:42:55,487
Do you have something
to say to me?
802
00:42:55,555 --> 00:42:58,106
00:44:31,649
Look what you did
to my jacket.
830
00:44:32,585 --> 00:44:33,735
Ball-gazer!
831
00:44:34,353 --> 00:44:36,387
Go ahead!
832
00:44:36,455 --> 00:44:39,507
You bastard. You totally
caught me in a ball-gaze.
833
00:44:39,575 --> 00:44:42,644
Congratulations,
you have been regressed.
834
00:44:42,712 --> 00:44:44,095
I own you!
835
00:44:44,163 --> 00:44:45,530
Yes, you own me.
836
00:44:45,598 --> 00:44:46,814
That was easy.
837
00:44:46,882 --> 00:44:49,117
But with ownership
comes responsibility.
838
00:44:49,285 --> 00:44:50,965
PITKA: It was at this
point that I realized
839
00:44:50,986 --> 00:44:54,389
that my student was finally
shedding his defenses.
840
00:44:54,457 --> 00:44:55,723
What are you doing?
841
00:44:55,791 --> 00:44:57,843
He said while eating
a chicken wing.
842
00:44:57,910 --> 00:45:00,745
I am talking into my
voice-over machine.
843
00:45:00,813 --> 00:45:05,016
TRENT: So, the Leafs lose game two
by a whopping six-to-one score.
844
00:45:05,018 --> 00:45:07,918
The Leafs look rattled
without Roanoke.
845
00:45:09,505 --> 00:45:11,422
It's Darren Roanoke.
846
00:45:11,490 --> 00:45:13,241
You mean
Roan-choke more like.
847
00:45:13,309 --> 00:45:14,609
(LAUGHING)
848
00:45:15,911 --> 00:45:17,695
That's great.
Nice hat.
849
00:45:17,763 --> 00:45:19,597
I had a hat like that once.
Yeah?
850
00:45:19,665 --> 00:45:21,966
Then my mom got a job.
851
00:45:22,034 --> 00:45:24,936
(ALL LAUGHING)
852
00:45:25,003 --> 00:45:27,888
Looks like I'm gonna have to shove
these love beads someplace special.
853
00:45:27,956 --> 00:45:29,408
You got a problem?
854
00:45:29,475 --> 00:45:31,976
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Let me handle this.
855
00:45:32,044 --> 00:45:36,698
There are two things about violence
they teach you when becoming a guru.
856
00:45:36,765 --> 00:45:42,186
The first thing is, an eye for
an eye leaves everyone blind.
857
00:45:42,305 --> 00:45:44,038
The second thing is,
858
00:45:44,106 --> 00:45:47,558
never ever watch
the bottle.
859
00:46:01,507 --> 00:46:02,774
(GRUNTING)
860
00:46:03,109 --> 00:46:05,026
You son of a bitch!
861
00:46:05,778 --> 00:46:07,929
It's a bar fight!
862
00:46:07,931 --> 00:46:09,063
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
863
00:46:09,982 --> 00:46:11,282
(ALL CLAMORING)
864
00:46:33,873 --> 00:46:35,323
Down, down!
865
00:46:36,091 --> 00:46:37,892
Watch out!
866
00:46:37,960 --> 00:46:39,444
Well done!
Nice job!
867
00:46:40,312 --> 00:46:41,646
(BOTH SCREAMING)
868
00:46:58,013 --> 00:47:00,014
Hold on, hold on.
869
00:47:06,172 --> 00:47:07,172
Oh!
870
00:47:09,942 --> 00:47:11,943
DARREN: Niagara Falls
is amazing.
871
00:47:12,811 --> 00:47:14,279
Darren.
872
00:47:14,346 --> 00:47:18,082
Just because your mother only
loved you when you achieved
873
00:47:18,150 --> 00:47:21,386
doesn't mean that Prudence will
only love you when you achieve.
874
00:47:21,453 --> 00:47:25,906
I was afraid that Prudence would leave
me if I didn't win the Stanley Cup,
875
00:47:25,974 --> 00:47:27,242
so I left Prudence first.
876
00:47:27,309 --> 00:47:28,809
That's it!
877
00:47:28,877 --> 00:47:32,397
However, we must
confront your mother.
878
00:47:32,399 --> 00:47:34,533
Prudence always wanted me
to stand up to my ma.
879
00:47:34,634 --> 00:47:35,767
I know.
880
00:47:35,835 --> 00:47:37,485
I miss Prudence.
881
00:47:37,553 --> 00:47:38,953
I miss the connection.
882
00:47:40,189 --> 00:47:42,624
Connection.
Yeah.
883
00:47:42,692 --> 00:47:46,394
DARREN: Making love.
Falling asleep in each other's arms.
884
00:47:46,462 --> 00:47:48,597
Sometimes we would wake up
a couple hours later,
885
00:47:48,664 --> 00:47:51,099
and it'd be like we were the
only two people in the world.
886
00:47:51,166 --> 00:47:54,402
Prudence would stare into
my eyes, and she'd say...
887
00:47:54,470 --> 00:47:57,138
- Damn.
- DARREN: Damn.
888
00:47:57,206 --> 00:47:59,941
It sort of became our song.
889
00:48:00,008 --> 00:48:03,445
You are a very lucky man.
890
00:48:03,512 --> 00:48:06,481
I would like to have a "damn"
moment like that someday.
891
00:48:06,782 --> 00:48:08,700
How can you be
the Love Guru
892
00:48:08,767 --> 00:48:11,285
if you've never been
in a relationship?
893
00:48:11,353 --> 00:48:13,721
Well, there is
someone I like.
894
00:48:13,789 --> 00:48:15,490
But until I learn
to love myself,
895
00:48:15,558 --> 00:48:17,875
I can only go out
with three girls named Ann.
896
00:48:17,943 --> 00:48:20,344
Three girls named Ann?
Yeah.
897
00:48:20,412 --> 00:48:23,147
Ann Visible, Ann
Flatable, and Ann Job.
898
00:48:24,216 --> 00:48:25,583
Ann Job!
899
00:48:27,219 --> 00:48:30,221
Well, you know, I deflect
because of the pain.
900
00:48:31,557 --> 00:48:33,924
I gotta get
my girl back, GP.
901
00:48:33,992 --> 00:48:36,260
Otherwise, what am
I gonna do with this?
902
00:48:36,262 --> 00:48:38,463
I have two tattoos.
903
00:48:38,530 --> 00:48:40,365
One tattoo is
the Drama tattoo,
904
00:48:40,433 --> 00:48:42,434
which signifies the
self-determinist philosophy
905
00:48:42,501 --> 00:48:44,702
of the Tugginmypudha Ashram.
906
00:48:44,770 --> 00:48:45,870
And what's
the other tattoo?
907
00:48:45,937 --> 00:48:48,656
Daffy Duck pushing a lawn
mower through my pubes.
908
00:48:50,158 --> 00:48:53,694
Look, he's dancing.
Yeah. Right.
909
00:48:53,762 --> 00:48:56,381
Ball-gazer! Oh, my God!
There you go!
910
00:48:56,448 --> 00:48:59,567
PITKA: The ball-gazing student has
become the ball-gazing master.
911
00:49:06,391 --> 00:49:08,526
(MORE THAN WORDS PLAYING)
912
00:49:13,899 --> 00:49:17,102
♪ 00:50:36,181
Thank you, Speedy.
That's great.
928
00:50:36,248 --> 00:50:38,399
Mariska Hargitay.
That's great.
929
00:50:41,403 --> 00:50:43,805
That was lovely.
But we need to talk about Darren.
930
00:50:43,872 --> 00:50:45,306
This is a disaster.
He's my only...
931
00:50:45,474 --> 00:50:47,809
Jane! Do you trust me?
932
00:50:48,760 --> 00:50:50,428
I do trust you.
933
00:50:51,763 --> 00:50:53,031
I'm not really sure why.
934
00:50:53,098 --> 00:50:56,784
It's the beard.
It makes me look like Santa.
935
00:50:56,919 --> 00:51:00,538
And by the way,
you look breathtaking.
936
00:51:01,272 --> 00:51:02,607
Thank you.
937
00:51:02,675 --> 00:51:04,976
As do I.
938
00:51:05,043 --> 00:51:08,079
Come. My staff has
prepared a lovely meal.
939
00:51:11,033 --> 00:51:12,850
Wow.
Right?
940
00:51:12,918 --> 00:51:15,937
I am so hungry I could
eat a skunk's bottom.
941
00:51:16,805 --> 00:51:18,756
Which is a lot
like calamari.
942
00:51:18,824 --> 00:51:20,992
But that's not what
we're having tonight.
943
00:51:21,059 --> 00:51:23,094
Rajneesh will now
prepare a dish
944
00:51:23,162 --> 00:51:26,097
made of two lychees
wrapped in a doughy pouch.
945
00:51:26,165 --> 00:51:28,699
It's called
Kartapal Birigalapatt.
946
00:51:28,767 --> 00:51:30,468
What's that mean?
947
00:51:30,536 --> 00:51:33,171
Nuts in a sling.
948
00:51:33,239 --> 00:51:35,172
Oh, thanks,
but I'll pass.
949
00:51:35,240 --> 00:51:37,942
Very well, I'll have
your nuts in a sling.
950
00:51:38,010 --> 00:51:39,527
(LAUGHS)
951
00:51:39,595 --> 00:51:40,712
Cough.
952
00:51:40,780 --> 00:51:42,046
(COUGHING)
953
00:51:42,114 --> 00:51:45,917
Reject this man.
Not fit for military service.
954
00:51:45,984 --> 00:51:48,736
Would you like your
nuts to be crushed?
955
00:51:48,803 --> 00:51:51,822
Doesn't everyone?
Who is this guy?
956
00:51:53,608 --> 00:51:55,543
(EXCLAIMING)
957
00:52:01,183 --> 00:52:03,051
Geronimo!
958
00:52:03,118 --> 00:52:05,086
That is our safe word.
959
00:52:07,539 --> 00:52:12,026
Now, we get the nuts nice and hot,
so they tighten up and get firm.
960
00:52:14,913 --> 00:52:16,130
Oh.
961
00:52:16,748 --> 00:52:18,116
(CHUCKLES)
962
00:52:18,717 --> 00:52:20,718
That's good.
963
00:52:20,786 --> 00:52:23,855
Feels good. I mean, tastes good.
I mean, what?
964
00:52:23,923 --> 00:52:25,923
(LAUGHING)
965
00:52:25,991 --> 00:52:28,325
You want curlies
on your nuts?
966
00:52:28,393 --> 00:52:31,763
Do I look like a child? Of course
I want curlies on my nuts.
967
00:52:31,831 --> 00:52:33,931
RAJNEESH: Don't forget your pickle.
968
00:52:35,134 --> 00:52:37,352
Would you like
some soup instead?
969
00:52:37,419 --> 00:52:38,870
Yes.
970
00:52:38,938 --> 00:52:41,940
Rajneesh, I'd like an alligator
soup, and make it snappy.
971
00:52:44,143 --> 00:52:45,993
Because alligators
are snappy,
972
00:52:46,061 --> 00:52:48,295
and at the same time,
I want it prompt.
973
00:52:49,330 --> 00:52:51,148
(JANE LAUGHING)
974
00:52:51,216 --> 00:52:54,235
Here it is. There's your soup.
Watch out! It's dangerous!
975
00:52:57,156 --> 00:52:59,741
You're as cute as pie.
976
00:52:59,808 --> 00:53:02,710
I haven't laughed like this
in such a long time.
977
00:53:02,778 --> 00:53:04,261
Why not?
978
00:53:04,329 --> 00:53:08,216
It's hard to laugh when men
only see you as some curse.
979
00:53:08,284 --> 00:53:11,285
Jane, there is no curse.
980
00:53:11,353 --> 00:53:15,123
You're just afraid of
intimacy, or into-me-I-see.
981
00:53:15,290 --> 00:53:19,427
Remember, being vulnerable
is being woundable.
982
00:53:19,494 --> 00:53:21,829
I say take the risk.
983
00:53:21,897 --> 00:53:25,099
Well, that's easy to say
and hard to do.
984
00:53:25,167 --> 00:53:26,451
Is it?
985
00:53:26,485 --> 00:53:27,718
Uh-huh.
986
00:53:27,786 --> 00:53:31,372
What's the downside of
throwing away your fear?
987
00:53:31,440 --> 00:53:34,525
The only way out is in.
988
00:53:38,296 --> 00:53:41,699
I think I'm about
to risk something.
989
00:53:45,470 --> 00:53:46,471
(METAL CLANKING)
990
00:53:46,538 --> 00:53:48,305
What's wrong?
We can't do this.
991
00:53:48,373 --> 00:53:50,975
What? You tell me to be vulnerable, and
then you turn around and wound me?
992
00:53:51,043 --> 00:53:53,044
I can explain.
Okay, go ahead.
993
00:53:53,512 --> 00:53:54,928
I can't explain.
994
00:53:54,996 --> 00:53:57,632
I should go.
No, Jane, wait! I...
995
00:53:57,700 --> 00:54:01,468
Jane! Jane!
996
00:54:01,536 --> 00:54:06,007
TRENT: Game three here in Los Angeles.
The L.A. Kings have beaten the Leafs.
997
00:54:06,075 --> 00:54:10,211
They are one game away
from a Stanley Cup victory.
998
00:54:10,278 --> 00:54:13,598
They can't be happy in the
Leafs' locker room right now.
999
00:54:13,666 --> 00:54:16,917
I'm sorry, I blacked out for a second.
Have they dropped the puck?
1000
00:54:18,120 --> 00:54:20,438
Damn it!
We're down three games
1001
00:54:20,505 --> 00:54:23,808
because you decided you
couldn't win without Roanoke.
1002
00:54:23,810 --> 00:54:26,560
And you! You're just
a stupid rich girl!
1003
00:54:26,628 --> 00:54:29,613
You were born on third,
and you think you hit a triple!
1004
00:54:29,681 --> 00:54:30,865
You don't know hockey!
1005
00:54:30,933 --> 00:54:32,817
Are you finished?
No!
1006
00:54:32,885 --> 00:54:33,885
(BURPS)
1007
00:54:33,953 --> 00:54:35,352
(FARTS)
1008
00:54:35,420 --> 00:54:38,189
Now I'm finished!
And, Pitka!
1009
00:54:38,256 --> 00:54:39,323
Yes?
1010
00:54:39,391 --> 00:54:40,924
What's the capital
of Thailand?
1011
00:54:40,992 --> 00:54:42,126
Bangkok.
1012
00:54:42,194 --> 00:54:43,544
Exactly.
1013
00:54:44,379 --> 00:54:47,548
Omar Sharif, my balls!
1014
00:54:47,616 --> 00:54:49,867
(GROANING)
1015
00:54:49,935 --> 00:54:52,103
My balls, you prick!
1016
00:54:55,373 --> 00:54:57,108
Stay down, bitch!
1017
00:54:57,242 --> 00:54:58,442
Okay.
1018
00:55:00,062 --> 00:55:01,695
Jane! Jane, wait!
1019
00:55:01,763 --> 00:55:06,234
He's right! I'm just a stupid rich
girl about to be a huge failure.
1020
00:55:06,301 --> 00:55:09,353
Failure?
There's no such thing as failure.
1021
00:55:09,421 --> 00:55:11,655
Only early attempts
at success.
1022
00:55:11,723 --> 00:55:15,243
You know what? I hired you
to fix Darren Roanoke.
1023
00:55:15,310 --> 00:55:16,310
Do your job!
1024
00:55:20,666 --> 00:55:22,816
Your Holiness, I spoke
with the producers at Oprah,
1025
00:55:22,885 --> 00:55:26,487
and if they don't see Darren and
Prudence together by the next game,
1026
00:55:26,554 --> 00:55:28,605
your spot will
go to Deepak.
1027
00:55:28,724 --> 00:55:32,359
But Darren is not ready!
He must truly deal with his mother.
1028
00:55:32,427 --> 00:55:34,495
And I will not
take a shortcut.
1029
00:55:34,562 --> 00:55:36,714
Take a shortcut!
1030
00:55:36,782 --> 00:55:39,867
Do you want to be the next
Deepak Chopra or not?
1031
00:55:43,087 --> 00:55:44,656
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)
1032
00:55:55,884 --> 00:55:58,586
Babu, you cannot
take a shortcut.
1033
00:55:58,653 --> 00:56:01,138
But I need to become
the next Deepak Chopra!
1034
00:56:01,206 --> 00:56:04,174
But how will you get Grande
away from Prudence?
1035
00:56:04,426 --> 00:56:10,681
I have one idea that
just might work. Yeah.
1036
00:56:10,748 --> 00:56:16,137
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
the incredible Miss Celine Dion!
1037
00:56:16,205 --> 00:56:19,173
♪ I drove all night ♪
1038
00:56:19,241 --> 00:56:22,109
Celine! It is
my day of lucky!
1039
00:56:23,228 --> 00:56:25,296
♪ Is that all right ♪
1040
00:56:26,681 --> 00:56:30,217
♪ I drove all night ♪
1041
00:56:30,285 --> 00:56:32,169
♪ To get to you ♪
1042
00:56:33,705 --> 00:56:35,990
♪ Is that all right ♪
1043
00:56:36,057 --> 00:56:37,808
PITKA: What'll you have?
1044
00:56:38,977 --> 00:56:40,611
A martini.
1045
00:56:40,678 --> 00:56:41,996
All right, then.
1046
00:56:53,191 --> 00:56:59,013
Jacques Grande.
Is he "Mr. Right" or "Mr. Right Now?"
1047
00:57:09,157 --> 00:57:11,342
Jacques and I get
along just fine.
1048
00:57:11,409 --> 00:57:14,061
You have, what we call
in the guru business,
1049
00:57:14,129 --> 00:57:15,946
"love without knowledge."
1050
00:57:16,014 --> 00:57:19,850
But what you had with Darren
is love with knowledge.
1051
00:57:19,918 --> 00:57:22,236
A real connection.
1052
00:57:22,304 --> 00:57:24,604
Come by my ashram
tomorrow at noon.
1053
00:57:24,672 --> 00:57:27,825
I will show you a Darren
who is completely changed.
1054
00:57:27,892 --> 00:57:29,960
Do you think
he's really changed?
1055
00:57:30,028 --> 00:57:32,148
I mean, he can't even play
in front of his own mother.
1056
00:57:32,297 --> 00:57:34,148
She's like
kryptonite to him.
1057
00:57:34,216 --> 00:57:37,484
Can't play in front
of his mother?
1058
00:57:37,552 --> 00:57:41,022
Hey! I said stay
away from the girl!
1059
00:57:41,089 --> 00:57:44,475
Rajneesh, let's make like
a baby and head out.
1060
00:57:46,377 --> 00:57:48,195
(BOTH COUGHING)
1061
00:57:48,262 --> 00:57:50,381
(CURSING IN FRENCH)
1062
00:57:50,448 --> 00:57:52,450
PRUDENCE: So you went to see your mother?
1063
00:57:52,476 --> 00:57:52,975
Yes.
1064
00:57:53,017 --> 00:57:55,619
But did you
stand up to her?
1065
00:57:57,539 --> 00:57:59,440
He doesn't have to stand
up to his mother.
1066
00:57:59,508 --> 00:58:00,891
Yes, he does!
1067
00:58:00,959 --> 00:58:02,693
Not now, Kato.
1068
00:58:02,760 --> 00:58:06,464
Now, aren't there a few more
steps in your Drama plan?
1069
00:58:06,531 --> 00:58:09,216
Yes. Maturity and Action.
1070
00:58:09,283 --> 00:58:11,552
Beat it, Rajneesh.
1071
00:58:11,619 --> 00:58:14,055
Yes. We did Maturity
and Action.
1072
00:58:14,122 --> 00:58:17,875
"M" and "A" spells "ma," and we
went to Buffalo and we saw his ma.
1073
00:58:17,942 --> 00:58:19,677
Right. See?
1074
00:58:19,745 --> 00:58:22,312
You see, I left 'cause I was scared
that if I didn't win the Stanley Cup,
1075
00:58:22,380 --> 00:58:23,713
you would leave me.
1076
00:58:23,781 --> 00:58:26,500
But I don't care
if you win the Stanley Cup.
1077
00:58:28,337 --> 00:58:30,187
Can you forgive me?
1078
00:58:30,255 --> 00:58:31,489
(SIGHS)
1079
00:58:38,980 --> 00:58:40,698
Of course
I can forgive you.
1080
00:58:43,652 --> 00:58:46,337
Stick a fork in them,
they're done.
1081
00:58:46,404 --> 00:58:48,255
Champers wishes!
1082
00:58:49,624 --> 00:58:52,509
It would be great if you could
stick around for a while.
1083
00:58:54,983 --> 00:58:56,623
You know, just to make
sure Darren's okay.
1084
00:58:56,648 --> 00:58:58,015
Yes, of course. Yeah, business.
Yes, of course.
1085
00:58:58,082 --> 00:59:00,451
Would His Holiness staying
on qualify as an extension?
1086
00:59:00,519 --> 00:59:03,103
Pants! Sheket Bevakasha!
1087
00:59:03,171 --> 00:59:06,707
Because if that were the case,
we would refuse payment.
1088
00:59:06,775 --> 00:59:08,041
Of course,
I'll stay, Jane.
1089
00:59:08,109 --> 00:59:09,389
Until we get the
call from Oprah.
1090
00:59:09,394 --> 00:59:11,879
Go to your naughty
mat, Dick!
1091
00:59:11,946 --> 00:59:13,481
Miss Bullard.
1092
00:59:15,751 --> 00:59:18,285
Mariska Hargitay.
1093
00:59:20,672 --> 00:59:25,126
Your Holiness? Mark my words,
this shortcut will haunt you.
1094
00:59:26,128 --> 00:59:27,128
(SNARLS)
1095
00:59:28,596 --> 00:59:30,831
- JANE: Congratulations.
- 01:01:07,461
Beautiful pass!
1124
01:01:07,529 --> 01:01:09,029
Go! Go! Go!
1125
01:01:09,097 --> 01:01:13,283
TRENT: Roanoke on a breakaway!
Five-hole trap!
1126
01:01:13,351 --> 01:01:17,237
Grande saves!
Roanoke denied!
1127
01:01:17,305 --> 01:01:19,774
Once again,
I'm Trent Lueders.
1128
01:01:19,841 --> 01:01:21,575
And I'm Jay Kell.
1129
01:01:21,643 --> 01:01:24,028
Roanoke fell for
the five-hole trap.
1130
01:01:24,095 --> 01:01:30,100
For those of you who don't know what
that is, allow me to "Kellistrate."
1131
01:01:30,168 --> 01:01:33,454
There are four holes.
One for each corner.
1132
01:01:33,521 --> 01:01:37,091
The five-hole is here,
between the legs.
1133
01:01:37,159 --> 01:01:40,194
You can try to beat him here.
Or here.
1134
01:01:40,262 --> 01:01:43,297
Or even way down here.
1135
01:01:45,600 --> 01:01:46,800
Thanks, Jay.
1136
01:01:47,935 --> 01:01:49,470
Let's get back
to the action.
1137
01:01:55,977 --> 01:01:58,696
TRENT: Roanoke has done it!
We're all tied!
1138
01:01:58,763 --> 01:02:01,798
The Leafs have won
three straight games!
1139
01:02:01,866 --> 01:02:04,718
Game seven will be
in Toronto.
1140
01:02:04,786 --> 01:02:06,937
Hey!
It's down to one game.
1141
01:02:07,005 --> 01:02:09,340
Get me out of here, pricks!
1142
01:02:12,844 --> 01:02:14,277
Champion.
1143
01:02:14,345 --> 01:02:18,149
I just got the call.
You are 100% booked on Oprah.
1144
01:02:18,700 --> 01:02:20,417
Great.
1145
01:02:20,485 --> 01:02:23,270
I got on Oprah, right?
1146
01:02:23,338 --> 01:02:25,556
I'm the next
Deepak Chopra, right?
1147
01:02:25,623 --> 01:02:26,907
You are.
1148
01:02:26,974 --> 01:02:28,708
(PHONE RINGING)
1149
01:02:28,777 --> 01:02:31,444
DICK: He's definitely in.
1150
01:02:31,512 --> 01:02:33,029
Doesn't feel good,
does it?
1151
01:02:33,097 --> 01:02:34,598
Get off my tits!
1152
01:02:37,986 --> 01:02:39,686
JANE: Congratulations.
1153
01:02:39,771 --> 01:02:42,973
Darren and Prudence are back together,
we got a shot at winning the Cup,
1154
01:02:43,041 --> 01:02:44,608
and you got on Oprah.
1155
01:02:44,675 --> 01:02:47,144
I suppose
all that's left is...
1156
01:02:47,211 --> 01:02:48,712
The check.
1157
01:02:49,147 --> 01:02:50,180
Oh.
1158
01:02:51,015 --> 01:02:53,633
Yeah. Here we go.
1159
01:02:53,701 --> 01:02:57,371
Oh, my pretty.
Miss Bullard, it has been terrific.
1160
01:02:57,439 --> 01:03:00,120
Now, if any of your other players
have any professional catastrophe,
1161
01:03:00,141 --> 01:03:03,043
personal pain,
or a drug addiction,
1162
01:03:03,111 --> 01:03:05,045
please do not
hesitate to call.
1163
01:03:05,113 --> 01:03:08,115
Your Holiness, the check
and I will be in the car.
1164
01:03:08,183 --> 01:03:10,518
Cheerio.
Bye.
1165
01:03:10,585 --> 01:03:12,586
I guess you got
everything you wanted.
1166
01:03:12,654 --> 01:03:14,755
Not everything, Jane.
1167
01:03:16,407 --> 01:03:20,744
Well, say there was
this guru, say.
1168
01:03:20,811 --> 01:03:23,247
And this guru was, you know,
handsome, you know,
1169
01:03:23,314 --> 01:03:26,583
had a nice gleam in his eye,
a nice tuck in his butt, say.
1170
01:03:26,651 --> 01:03:31,421
And say this guru, maybe not
me, maybe somebody else,
1171
01:03:31,489 --> 01:03:35,325
had a certain vow.
1172
01:03:35,994 --> 01:03:37,711
What kind of vow?
1173
01:03:37,796 --> 01:03:38,929
01:04:31,865
You're back on drugs,
aren't you?
1187
01:04:31,867 --> 01:04:34,768
Yes, I am,
asshole-face man!
1188
01:04:36,520 --> 01:04:39,189
By the power of Gahar,
I command thee to vanish!
1189
01:04:39,191 --> 01:04:41,191
- Let's see what's happening rinkside.
- JAY: No!
1190
01:04:41,258 --> 01:04:44,260
Well, here comes
Lucy the elephant.
1191
01:04:44,329 --> 01:04:46,062
JAY: I cannot be
killed but with fire!
1192
01:04:46,130 --> 01:04:47,464
(PUNCHING)
1193
01:04:47,532 --> 01:04:50,234
TRENT: The Deluca Brothers
Circus is coming to town.
1194
01:04:50,302 --> 01:04:53,137
Isn't that just adorable?
1195
01:04:53,139 --> 01:04:57,724
Well, whoever wins tonight walks
away Stanley Cup champions.
1196
01:04:57,792 --> 01:04:59,943
Listen up!
It's down to one game,
1197
01:05:00,011 --> 01:05:02,045
and we've got
the momentum!
1198
01:05:02,113 --> 01:05:03,964
Yeah!
Yeah!
1199
01:05:08,169 --> 01:05:09,620
Why you got
your heads down?
1200
01:05:09,688 --> 01:05:10,721
(CURSES IN FRENCH)
1201
01:05:10,788 --> 01:05:12,756
We can beat these clowns.
1202
01:05:12,824 --> 01:05:16,794
Besides, I still have
a few trick on my sleeve.
1203
01:05:16,861 --> 01:05:21,548
WOMAN OVER PA: Flight 22 to Chicago
is now boarding at Gate Five.
1204
01:05:21,616 --> 01:05:23,417
Our plane leaves
in 20 minutes.
1205
01:05:23,485 --> 01:05:26,253
The people at Oprah
are very excited!
1206
01:05:26,320 --> 01:05:27,988
That's great.
1207
01:05:28,156 --> 01:05:31,157
Ladies and gentlemen, here to
sing The Star-Spangled Banner,
1208
01:05:31,225 --> 01:05:35,261
mother of Leafs' center,
Darren Roanoke, Lillian Roanoke.
1209
01:05:35,329 --> 01:05:38,498
That's Darren's mother!
Quaking pudding!
1210
01:05:38,500 --> 01:05:40,133
(MOUTHING)
Hi, baby!
1211
01:05:41,869 --> 01:05:43,136
(MOUTHING)
What do I do?
1212
01:05:44,021 --> 01:05:45,088
(MOUTHING)
I don't know!
1213
01:05:45,155 --> 01:05:48,324
♪ LILLIAN: Oh, say, can you see ♪
1214
01:05:48,392 --> 01:05:52,563
♪ By the dawn's early light ♪
1215
01:05:52,630 --> 01:05:56,517
♪ What so proudly we hailed ♪
1216
01:05:57,569 --> 01:05:59,069
Hey!
1217
01:05:59,136 --> 01:06:00,570
TRENT: Roanoke is
freaking out...
1218
01:06:00,638 --> 01:06:02,656
What do I do? What do I do?
What do I do?
1219
01:06:02,723 --> 01:06:04,474
No, no! Nothing to see here.
1220
01:06:04,526 --> 01:06:06,226
Our plane is about
to leave for Oprah,
1221
01:06:06,294 --> 01:06:09,463
and we have to go realize
every dream we've ever had.
1222
01:06:10,548 --> 01:06:13,199
I am not going
with you, Dick.
1223
01:06:13,267 --> 01:06:15,669
Oh, no! No!
1224
01:06:15,737 --> 01:06:20,708
If you don't get on that plane,
I will take 60% of the ashram!
1225
01:06:20,775 --> 01:06:24,110
Fine. I don't need
material things.
1226
01:06:24,178 --> 01:06:28,415
I was put on this earth to spread
a message of peace and love.
1227
01:06:28,483 --> 01:06:29,899
Give me that ticket!
Give me it!
1228
01:06:29,968 --> 01:06:31,802
No! Please, no!
1229
01:06:33,588 --> 01:06:35,255
(CHUCKLING)
1230
01:06:35,322 --> 01:06:38,558
You will never be
the next Deepak Chopra!
1231
01:06:38,626 --> 01:06:40,593
What?
1232
01:06:48,586 --> 01:06:50,170
Box him out!
1233
01:06:51,856 --> 01:06:53,139
Oh, damn.
1234
01:06:53,207 --> 01:06:54,687
TRENT: At the end
of the first period,
1235
01:06:54,692 --> 01:06:57,511
the Kings lead the Leafs,
one to nothing.
1236
01:06:57,579 --> 01:07:02,048
And the question on everyone's
mind is, where's Roanoke?
1237
01:07:03,334 --> 01:07:05,169
Baby, are you all right?
1238
01:07:05,171 --> 01:07:08,105
I can't play in
front of you, Ma!
1239
01:07:08,173 --> 01:07:11,641
It's all my fault for not putting
more pressure on you to succeed.
1240
01:07:12,694 --> 01:07:13,860
(PHONE DIALING)
1241
01:07:14,729 --> 01:07:16,930
(EXCLAIMING)
1242
01:07:16,973 --> 01:07:17,973
Yes.
Hello?
1243
01:07:17,998 --> 01:07:19,666
Jane, I'm on my way.
1244
01:07:19,734 --> 01:07:20,851
I thought you said
he was cured!
1245
01:07:20,919 --> 01:07:22,553
I was wrong.
1246
01:07:22,654 --> 01:07:25,238
Tell Coach Cherkov
to buy some time!
1247
01:07:25,306 --> 01:07:27,491
Okay.
1248
01:07:27,558 --> 01:07:30,598
RAJNEESH: Sir, please, please make sure
it's locked, sir. Please, over there.
1249
01:07:30,612 --> 01:07:33,447
Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
1250
01:07:33,515 --> 01:07:35,148
(PHONE RINGING)
1251
01:07:35,216 --> 01:07:38,168
Dell Computers,
this is Chip.
1252
01:07:38,236 --> 01:07:42,322
Rajneesh, I...
Wait a second, who is Chip?
1253
01:07:42,390 --> 01:07:43,406
I took another job.
1254
01:07:43,474 --> 01:07:45,909
Rajneesh, you have
to come meet me!
1255
01:07:45,977 --> 01:07:48,061
I must finish
my job with Darren.
1256
01:07:48,129 --> 01:07:49,696
You're back, Babu!
1257
01:07:49,764 --> 01:07:50,764
Yes!
1258
01:07:52,716 --> 01:07:54,817
Bodhisattva!
1259
01:07:54,885 --> 01:07:56,285
(TRUMPETING)
1260
01:07:58,489 --> 01:08:00,240
(CROWD BOOING)
1261
01:08:00,308 --> 01:08:02,225
Boo! You suck, Bullard!
1262
01:08:02,293 --> 01:08:03,727
No, you suck!
1263
01:08:03,812 --> 01:08:05,395
You can say
bad things about me,
1264
01:08:05,463 --> 01:08:07,998
but I won't say
bad things about myself!
1265
01:08:08,066 --> 01:08:12,235
So, guess what?
You can all just kiss my Canadian ass!
1266
01:08:12,303 --> 01:08:13,437
01:12:38,418
"Damn!" Quaking pudding.
That's not good.
1337
01:12:38,485 --> 01:12:39,703
Cherkov, call a time-out.
1338
01:12:39,771 --> 01:12:40,920
We're out of time-outs.
1339
01:12:40,988 --> 01:12:42,122
Just buy us some time.
1340
01:12:42,190 --> 01:12:44,474
He needs a distraction.
Jane, follow me!
1341
01:12:44,542 --> 01:12:46,309
He's gotta take
the shot, now!
1342
01:12:46,377 --> 01:12:49,112
I promised myself
I'd never do this.
1343
01:12:49,180 --> 01:12:51,881
Hey, ref! I'm having
a heart attack.
1344
01:12:54,251 --> 01:12:57,237
Out of the way!
Coach! Coach!
1345
01:12:57,638 --> 01:12:59,556
Get the crash kit!
1346
01:12:59,624 --> 01:13:01,992
Sir, may I borrow
your elephant, Lucy?
1347
01:13:02,059 --> 01:13:03,159
Sure.
1348
01:13:03,227 --> 01:13:07,830
Bodhisattva!
1349
01:13:07,898 --> 01:13:09,266
(TRUMPETING)
1350
01:13:10,701 --> 01:13:14,037
Come, come! Come on, boy!
Elephant coming through!
1351
01:13:14,104 --> 01:13:17,507
Come on, Bodhi! Let's go quickly!
Come on, Bodhi!
1352
01:13:22,313 --> 01:13:23,529
Clear!
1353
01:13:23,597 --> 01:13:24,664
Uh-oh.
1354
01:13:26,066 --> 01:13:27,750
(SCREAMING)
1355
01:13:31,488 --> 01:13:32,688
(BUZZER BLARING)
1356
01:13:44,184 --> 01:13:45,985
01:15:39,698
Go get 'em!
1385
01:15:44,889 --> 01:15:47,190
Come on, Roanoke!
Let's go!
1386
01:15:47,258 --> 01:15:48,691
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
1387
01:15:56,867 --> 01:15:58,151
Five-hole!
1388
01:15:59,270 --> 01:16:01,254
No!
1389
01:16:02,239 --> 01:16:04,006
TRENT: Five-hole trap!
1390
01:16:08,579 --> 01:16:09,779
(BUZZER BLARES)
1391
01:16:09,847 --> 01:16:12,165
(CURSES IN FRENCH)
1392
01:16:12,233 --> 01:16:16,970
TRENT: The Toronto Maple Leafs
have won the Stanley Cup!
1393
01:16:17,004 --> 01:16:19,872
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
1394
01:16:20,207 --> 01:16:21,457
Yeah!
1395
01:16:24,094 --> 01:16:27,796
I love hockey!
I love hockey!
1396
01:16:27,864 --> 01:16:29,199
I love hockey, too!
1397
01:16:29,267 --> 01:16:31,100
They did it!
1398
01:16:34,939 --> 01:16:36,356
01:17:14,327
Hey, Pitka?
1412
01:17:14,395 --> 01:17:16,896
Sorry I punched you
in the nuts.
1413
01:17:16,898 --> 01:17:19,232
That's okay.
Give me a hug.
1414
01:17:23,670 --> 01:17:26,406
If you ever sucker
punch me again,
1415
01:17:26,474 --> 01:17:30,376
I'll kick your ass all the way
back to the Keebler factory.
1416
01:17:31,979 --> 01:17:35,115
Give me a pound.
Lock it down.
1417
01:17:35,182 --> 01:17:38,134
Break the pickle.
Tickle, tickle.
1418
01:17:38,935 --> 01:17:40,136
You.
No, you.
1419
01:17:40,204 --> 01:17:42,355
Come on now, you.
No, you.
1420
01:17:42,423 --> 01:17:44,224
Well, no, you.
1421
01:17:54,494 --> 01:17:56,695
PITKA: (IN MORGAN FREEMAN'S VOICE)
And so our story ends
1422
01:17:56,720 --> 01:17:59,021
where it all began,
1423
01:17:59,089 --> 01:18:03,192
here in the tiny Indian
village of Harenmahkeester,
1424
01:18:03,260 --> 01:18:05,662
in the valley
of Lintinmybelli.
1425
01:18:05,729 --> 01:18:07,363
Oh, hi.
1426
01:18:07,431 --> 01:18:08,981
Maurice.
1427
01:18:09,049 --> 01:18:12,101
Oh, my God.
You look so beautiful.
1428
01:18:12,169 --> 01:18:14,620
TUGGINMYPUDHA: Thank you.
1429
01:18:14,688 --> 01:18:18,841
Maurice. You have finally
learned to love yourself.
1430
01:18:18,908 --> 01:18:22,011
You may now renounce
your vow of chastity.
1431
01:18:22,079 --> 01:18:23,979
May I have the key?
1432
01:18:24,047 --> 01:18:25,782
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)
1433
01:18:28,319 --> 01:18:31,871
There is no key.
There never was.
1434
01:18:31,938 --> 01:18:34,290
There's a snap
in the back.
1435
01:18:39,830 --> 01:18:42,898
Thank you,
Guru Tugginmypudha.
1436
01:18:43,600 --> 01:18:44,850
Yeah.
1437
01:18:44,918 --> 01:18:46,302
Are you leaving?
1438
01:18:46,370 --> 01:18:51,574
The last rule of guru is to rid
student of the need of guru.
1439
01:18:52,142 --> 01:18:53,892
Yes, of course.
1440
01:18:54,728 --> 01:18:55,878
(EXCLAIMS)
1441
01:18:56,430 --> 01:18:57,730
(COUGHING)
1442
01:18:58,966 --> 01:19:00,967
Okay, see you.
1443
01:19:03,203 --> 01:19:05,154
Doesn't work sometimes.
1444
01:19:06,807 --> 01:19:09,091
So, what do you
want to do now?
1445
01:19:09,093 --> 01:19:11,427
Well, I've been wearing this
belt since I was 12 years old.
1446
01:19:11,495 --> 01:19:13,496
What do you think
I want to do now?
1447
01:19:14,615 --> 01:19:16,032
I want to sing!
1448
01:19:17,184 --> 01:19:22,722
♪ Some people call me ♪
♪ the space cowboy, yeah ♪
1449
01:19:22,790 --> 01:19:25,492
♪ Some call me ♪
♪ the gangster of love ♪
1450
01:19:28,428 --> 01:19:31,364
♪ Some people call me Maurice ♪
1451
01:19:32,432 --> 01:19:36,369
♪ Because I speak ♪
♪ of the pompatus of love ♪
1452
01:19:38,038 --> 01:19:40,790
♪ 'Cause I'm a picker ♪
♪ I'm a grinner ♪
1453
01:19:40,857 --> 01:19:42,125
♪ BOTH: I'm a lover ♪
1454
01:19:42,193 --> 01:19:44,394
♪ And I'm a sinner ♪
1455
01:19:44,462 --> 01:19:49,199
♪ I play my music in the sun ♪
1456
01:19:49,266 --> 01:19:50,500
♪ I'm a joker ♪
1457
01:19:50,568 --> 01:19:52,034
♪ I'm a smoker ♪
1458
01:19:52,103 --> 01:19:55,705
♪ I'm a midnight toker ♪
1459
01:19:55,772 --> 01:20:00,042
♪ I get my loving on the run ♪
1460
01:20:11,989 --> 01:20:15,658
♪ I am the love guru, yeah ♪
1461
01:20:24,117 --> 01:20:25,217
♪ He's a picker ♪
1462
01:20:25,285 --> 01:20:26,318
♪ He's a grinner ♪
1463
01:20:26,386 --> 01:20:27,653
♪ He's a lover ♪
1464
01:20:27,721 --> 01:20:29,205
♪ He's a sinner ♪
1465
01:20:29,273 --> 01:20:33,042
♪ He plays his ♪
♪ music in the sun ♪
1466
01:20:33,110 --> 01:20:33,960
♪ I'm a joker ♪
1467
01:20:34,028 --> 01:20:35,195
♪ I'm a smoker ♪
1468
01:20:35,262 --> 01:20:37,880
♪ I'm a midnight toker ♪
1469
01:20:37,948 --> 01:20:41,534
♪ I get my loving on the run ♪
1470
01:21:15,252 --> 01:21:16,769
MAN: Starting mark.
1471
01:21:16,836 --> 01:21:20,539
Hey, Peter, can we move the camera in?
All I can see is asses.
1472
01:21:20,607 --> 01:21:22,841
Now you know
what it's like.
1473
01:21:22,910 --> 01:21:24,243
(ALL LAUGHING)
1474
01:21:33,453 --> 01:21:35,354
MAN: Bravo, Verne, bravo.
1475
01:24:01,034 --> 01:24:03,736
♪ Raise the roof beam high ♪
1476
01:24:03,804 --> 01:24:05,905
♪ Raise it up, raise it up ♪
1477
01:24:05,972 --> 01:24:07,807
♪ And make a joyful noise ♪
1478
01:24:07,875 --> 01:24:10,359
♪ Oh, I shall not be moved ♪
1479
01:24:10,427 --> 01:24:11,460
♪ No, no ♪
1480
01:24:11,528 --> 01:24:14,864
♪ Oh, I shall not be moved ♪
1481
01:24:14,932 --> 01:24:18,701
♪ Lead me to your rock ♪
1482
01:24:18,768 --> 01:24:22,171
♪ Where I shall not be moved ♪
1483
01:24:22,239 --> 01:24:24,240
♪ Raise up your voice ♪
1484
01:24:24,308 --> 01:24:26,042
♪ Raise up your voice ♪
1485
01:24:26,109 --> 01:24:29,011
♪ Raise up your song ♪
♪ and not your fists ♪
1486
01:24:30,347 --> 01:24:32,748
♪ Raise the roof beam high ♪
1487
01:24:32,816 --> 01:24:34,817
♪ Raise it up, raise it up ♪
1488
01:24:34,885 --> 01:24:36,819
♪ And make a joyful noise ♪
1489
01:24:36,887 --> 01:24:39,088
♪ I watch like a sparrow ♪
1490
01:24:40,157 --> 01:24:43,359
♪ I watch like a sparrow ♪
1491
01:24:43,426 --> 01:24:46,062
♪ Said I watch like a sparrow ♪
1492
01:24:46,129 --> 01:24:48,231
♪ Hold tight ♪
♪ 'cause we don't stop ♪
1493
01:24:48,298 --> 01:24:50,566
♪ Raise the roof beam high ♪
1494
01:24:50,633 --> 01:24:52,801
♪ Raise it up, raise it up ♪
1495
01:24:52,870 --> 01:24:54,837
♪ And make a joyful noise ♪
1496
01:24:54,905 --> 01:24:57,673
♪ Oh, I shall not be moved ♪
1497
01:24:57,741 --> 01:25:01,143
♪ Oh, I shall not be moved ♪
1498
01:25:01,211 --> 01:25:02,278
♪ No, no, no ♪
1499
01:25:02,346 --> 01:25:05,814
♪ Lead me to your rock ♪
1500
01:25:05,883 --> 01:25:09,085
♪ Where I shall not be moved ♪
1501
01:25:09,152 --> 01:25:12,438
♪ I said watch, pray, watch ♪
1502
01:25:12,506 --> 01:25:13,673
♪ Sing it, children ♪
1503
01:25:13,740 --> 01:25:16,108
♪ Watch, pray, watch ♪
1504
01:25:16,176 --> 01:25:17,376
♪ Every single day now ♪
1505
01:25:17,444 --> 01:25:20,145
♪ Watch, pray, watch ♪
1506
01:25:20,213 --> 01:25:21,347
♪ Sing it, children ♪
1507
01:25:21,415 --> 01:25:22,948
♪ Watch, watch, pray, pray ♪
1508
01:25:23,016 --> 01:25:24,750
♪ Watch, watch ♪
1509
01:25:24,818 --> 01:25:27,853
♪ Oh, I shall not be moved ♪
1510
01:25:27,921 --> 01:25:31,791
♪ Oh, I shall not be moved ♪
1511
01:25:31,858 --> 01:25:35,461
♪ Lead me to your rock ♪
1512
01:25:35,529 --> 01:25:41,634
♪ Where I shall not be, ♪
♪ I shall not be moved ♪
1513
01:25:41,734 --> 01:25:46,734
http://subscene.com/u/659433
Improved by: @Ivandrofly