1
00:00:03,892 --> 00:00:04,892
Hey.

2
00:00:04,894 --> 00:00:05,943
Hey.

3
00:00:05,945 --> 00:00:07,361
What you working on?

4
00:00:07,363 --> 00:00:09,113
Anything interesting?

5
00:00:09,115 --> 00:00:10,614
Yeah, actually.

6
00:00:10,616 --> 00:00:12,066
I'm-I'm building a new algorithm

7
00:00:12,068 --> 00:00:13,067
that weights search results...

8
00:00:13,069 --> 00:00:15,052
I'm gonna get laid.

9
00:00:15,054 --> 00:00:18,272
Congratulations.
Which hand are you going to use?

10
00:00:18,274 --> 00:00:21,241
That's, uh... that's funny.

11
00:00:21,243 --> 00:00:23,276
Because, um, you know,
if someone were to look

12
00:00:23,278 --> 00:00:24,906
at the two of us,
they'd probably think

13
00:00:24,931 --> 00:00:26,916
I'd be the one sitting home,
on a Friday night

14
00:00:26,941 --> 00:00:29,093
babbling on about
some geek nonsense,

15
00:00:29,094 --> 00:00:30,845
and you'd be the one
going out to,

16
00:00:30,847 --> 00:00:33,497
you know, get laid.

17
00:00:33,499 --> 00:00:36,550
Who's the "lucky lady"?

18
00:00:36,552 --> 00:00:37,635
Lyndsey is the lucky...

19
00:00:37,637 --> 00:00:39,053
getting "laid-y."

20
00:00:39,055 --> 00:00:41,906
Doesn't it bother you
that after she's with you,

21
00:00:41,908 --> 00:00:43,858
she goes home
to her more handsome,

22
00:00:43,860 --> 00:00:45,159
successful boyfriend?

23
00:00:45,161 --> 00:00:47,028
Why? I do the same thing.

24
00:00:50,899 --> 00:00:53,184
How did Lyndsey end up with him?

25
00:00:53,186 --> 00:00:55,703
Well, how did <i>I</i> end up with him?

26
00:00:55,705 --> 00:00:57,738
Hey, Walden.

27
00:00:57,740 --> 00:00:58,889
Hey.

28
00:00:58,891 --> 00:01:01,592
Michaela, Heidi,
Sarah, this is Walden.

29
00:01:01,594 --> 00:01:03,694
He's super hot, super rich
and super single.

30
00:01:03,696 --> 00:01:06,881
These are my friends,
and we are all super high.

31
00:01:06,883 --> 00:01:08,716
Nice to meet you.

32
00:01:08,718 --> 00:01:10,167
Hi.
Nice house.

33
00:01:10,169 --> 00:01:13,203
I am so wasted.

34
00:01:14,172 --> 00:01:15,523
What are you guys doing tonight?

35
00:01:15,525 --> 00:01:17,174
Oh, we're gonna play poker.

36
00:01:17,176 --> 00:01:18,359
You want to join?

37
00:01:18,361 --> 00:01:19,927
Yeah, come play with us!

38
00:01:19,929 --> 00:01:23,097
It'll be fun.
I am so wasted.

39
00:01:23,099 --> 00:01:26,333
You know what, I-I actually
have a lot of work to do,

40
00:01:26,335 --> 00:01:28,102
and need to get
to bed early, but...

41
00:01:28,104 --> 00:01:29,720
you guys have fun.

42
00:01:29,722 --> 00:01:32,740
We should
play strip poker.

43
00:01:32,742 --> 00:01:33,841
Yes.

44
00:01:33,843 --> 00:01:36,060
All right, ante up.

45
00:01:37,779 --> 00:01:39,730
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

46
00:01:39,732 --> 00:01:41,975
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.

47
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:46,000
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x04 ♪
Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank
Original Air Date on October 17, 2013

48
00:01:46,025 --> 00:01:51,025
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

49
00:01:52,013 --> 00:01:53,314
Hey.

50
00:01:53,316 --> 00:01:55,199
All right,
let's get it over with.

51
00:01:55,201 --> 00:01:59,053
Tell me all the disturbing
details of how you "got laid."

52
00:01:59,055 --> 00:02:00,905
She never showed.

53
00:02:00,907 --> 00:02:03,474
She couldn't get away from
Larry, so I spent half the night

54
00:02:03,476 --> 00:02:06,377
waiting for her
in the parking lot of an ampm.

55
00:02:08,263 --> 00:02:10,631
Wow, I'm actually enjoying
one of your stories.

56
00:02:10,633 --> 00:02:12,216
Please, continue.

57
00:02:12,218 --> 00:02:14,468
But on the plus side,

58
00:02:14,470 --> 00:02:16,971
at 12:01, all the donuts
became half price.

59
00:02:16,973 --> 00:02:19,707
By 12:19, I-I had made friends
with the guy

60
00:02:19,709 --> 00:02:22,443
who lives
in the men's room, Raul.

61
00:02:22,445 --> 00:02:23,927
Is he looking for a roommate?

62
00:02:25,180 --> 00:02:27,364
You laugh, but he actually
turned the changing table

63
00:02:27,366 --> 00:02:29,183
into a Murphy bed.

64
00:02:29,185 --> 00:02:31,819
I'm sorry,
but if I remember correctly,

65
00:02:31,821 --> 00:02:33,320
last night, you were pretty sure

66
00:02:33,322 --> 00:02:35,756
that you were going
to "get laid."

67
00:02:36,942 --> 00:02:39,410
But, in fact,
you didn't "get laid."

68
00:02:39,412 --> 00:02:40,610
Are you done?

69
00:02:40,612 --> 00:02:42,997
Are you done not "getting laid"?

70
00:02:44,250 --> 00:02:45,766
Seriously,
why are you doing this?

71
00:02:45,768 --> 00:02:47,267
Because I get
to have sex with Lyndsey.

72
00:02:47,269 --> 00:02:48,969
But you didn't have sex.

73
00:02:48,971 --> 00:02:50,771
You ended up shame-eating
stale donuts

74
00:02:50,773 --> 00:02:53,857
and talking to a homeless guy
in a men's room.

75
00:02:53,859 --> 00:02:56,760
They were not stale,
and Raul has a name.

76
00:02:56,762 --> 00:02:58,662
You can't let Lyndsey
treat you like this.

77
00:02:58,664 --> 00:02:59,796
You deserve better.

78
00:02:59,798 --> 00:03:03,217
I know.
Raul said the same thing.

79
00:03:03,219 --> 00:03:05,502
Well, I had a great night
last night.

80
00:03:05,504 --> 00:03:07,071
I ended up playing strip poker

81
00:03:07,073 --> 00:03:08,906
with four incredibly
beautiful women.

82
00:03:08,908 --> 00:03:10,824
Oh, yeah,
I've been on that site.

83
00:03:10,826 --> 00:03:13,110
No, it was Jenny
and her friends.

84
00:03:13,112 --> 00:03:15,312
What a sec, is that
the charge on my card

85
00:03:15,314 --> 00:03:17,831
for TexasSqueezeEm.com?

86
00:03:20,468 --> 00:03:22,770
Wait, you played strip poker
with my niece?

87
00:03:22,772 --> 00:03:24,822
She was the dealer.

88
00:03:24,824 --> 00:03:26,924
But she did flop a great pair.

89
00:03:26,926 --> 00:03:29,126
Walden, Jenny is family.

90
00:03:29,128 --> 00:03:30,327
If you cross that line,

91
00:03:30,329 --> 00:03:32,096
I am not gonna be
your friend anymore.

92
00:03:32,098 --> 00:03:33,497
I mean, I'm still
gonna live here,

93
00:03:33,499 --> 00:03:35,182
but I'm not gonna be
your friend anymore.

94
00:03:35,184 --> 00:03:37,017
Relax, it was harmless fun.

95
00:03:37,019 --> 00:03:38,185
Hey!

96
00:03:38,187 --> 00:03:40,804
Look who's got his clothes on.
Uh...

97
00:03:40,806 --> 00:03:42,489
I had clothes on last night.

98
00:03:42,491 --> 00:03:44,007
Yeah, you were wearing a sock.

99
00:03:44,009 --> 00:03:45,842
And not on your foot.

100
00:03:46,661 --> 00:03:48,112
It looked like Santa filled

101
00:03:48,114 --> 00:03:51,014
a stocking
at Elton John's house.

102
00:03:51,016 --> 00:03:52,282
"Harmless fun"?

103
00:03:52,284 --> 00:03:55,235
No, she did not see
Bennie or the Jets.

104
00:03:56,805 --> 00:03:58,672
Hey, we're gonna
hang out again tonight

105
00:03:58,674 --> 00:04:00,708
if you want to join us.
Yeah, sure.

106
00:04:00,710 --> 00:04:02,159
Cool. I'll see you at 11:00.

107
00:04:02,161 --> 00:04:03,143
What, 11:00?

108
00:04:03,145 --> 00:04:04,578
What is it, New Year's Eve?

109
00:04:05,881 --> 00:04:07,631
Bring your sock.

110
00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:11,035
You're not really going out
with them, are you?

111
00:04:11,037 --> 00:04:13,037
Is this about Jenny?
Will you stop it?

112
00:04:13,039 --> 00:04:16,306
I'm not the creepy guy who wants
to sleep with your niece.

113
00:04:16,308 --> 00:04:18,058
I'm the creepy guy
who wants to sleep

114
00:04:18,060 --> 00:04:19,676
with your niece's friends.

115
00:04:19,678 --> 00:04:21,428
And don't you think
that's a little sad?

116
00:04:21,430 --> 00:04:23,514
I mean, a 35-year-old man
hanging out with a bunch

117
00:04:23,516 --> 00:04:26,150
of hot young girls who just want
to drink, party, get naked...

118
00:04:26,152 --> 00:04:27,851
and anything I say
after this point

119
00:04:27,853 --> 00:04:29,603
doesn't really matter, does it?

120
00:04:29,605 --> 00:04:30,637
It doesn't.

121
00:04:30,639 --> 00:04:32,055
I've never had this in my life.

122
00:04:32,057 --> 00:04:34,825
Wh-When I was her age, I'd
already dropped out of M.I.T.,

123
00:04:34,827 --> 00:04:36,927
gotten married
and started my own business.

124
00:04:36,929 --> 00:04:39,413
I was delivering pizza,
going to junior college

125
00:04:39,415 --> 00:04:40,948
and dating a melon.

126
00:04:40,950 --> 00:04:43,917
Oh, God!

127
00:04:43,919 --> 00:04:46,336
I called her my little honeydew.

128
00:04:51,459 --> 00:04:52,493
Walden?

129
00:04:52,495 --> 00:04:53,460
I'm up. Let's party.

130
00:04:53,462 --> 00:04:55,229
Jagerbombs,
bottle service.

131
00:04:56,531 --> 00:04:58,866
What's going on? I thought you
were going out with the girls.

132
00:04:58,868 --> 00:05:01,468
I am, but not until 11:00.

133
00:05:01,470 --> 00:05:04,471
What is it... 9:00?

134
00:05:04,473 --> 00:05:06,273
How can I be so sleepy?

135
00:05:06,275 --> 00:05:08,925
I've already had two naps
and three Red Bulls.

136
00:05:08,927 --> 00:05:11,495
Uh, my brother Charlie had a
great trick for staying awake.

137
00:05:11,497 --> 00:05:13,630
Two hookers and an eight ball.

138
00:05:13,632 --> 00:05:15,466
I'll pass.

139
00:05:15,468 --> 00:05:16,617
What's with the bag?

140
00:05:16,619 --> 00:05:19,620
Oh, my God,
are you moving in with Raul?

141
00:05:20,872 --> 00:05:23,273
No, Lyndsey felt guilty
about last night

142
00:05:23,275 --> 00:05:24,708
and Larry is on a business trip,

143
00:05:24,710 --> 00:05:26,827
so she is treating me
to a romantic rendezvous

144
00:05:26,829 --> 00:05:29,429
at a four-star hotel
at the beach.

145
00:05:29,431 --> 00:05:30,581
Oh, come on, man.

146
00:05:30,583 --> 00:05:32,416
She's treating you
like a piece of meat.

147
00:05:32,418 --> 00:05:34,551
I know, it's great.

148
00:05:34,553 --> 00:05:37,554
Plus, I have already masturbated
so I can hit the sweet spot

149
00:05:37,556 --> 00:05:41,008
between "you're done already?"
and "enough already."

150
00:05:41,010 --> 00:05:43,177
Enough already.

151
00:05:43,179 --> 00:05:44,578
Don't worry, I'll talk to her.

152
00:05:44,580 --> 00:05:45,846
Okay, well, good luck.

153
00:05:45,848 --> 00:05:47,464
And give Lyndsey my best.

154
00:05:47,466 --> 00:05:49,516
Sure, right after
I give her my best.

155
00:05:49,518 --> 00:05:51,568
Boo-ya!

156
00:05:54,972 --> 00:05:56,440
Hi.

157
00:05:56,442 --> 00:05:59,426
Oh, so you did decide
to show up tonight.

158
00:05:59,428 --> 00:06:01,811
I know. Sorry I'm late.

159
00:06:01,813 --> 00:06:02,863
It's fine.

160
00:06:02,865 --> 00:06:05,999
You just turned happy hour
into miffed hour.

161
00:06:06,001 --> 00:06:08,952
And four-dollar pot stickers
into eight-dollar pot stickers.

162
00:06:08,954 --> 00:06:11,655
Well, the important
thing is I'm here now,

163
00:06:11,657 --> 00:06:13,207
and you look really
nice tonight.

164
00:06:13,209 --> 00:06:15,008
Did you do something
different with your hair?

165
00:06:15,010 --> 00:06:16,293
You don't have to flatter me.

166
00:06:16,295 --> 00:06:18,595
You know I'm gonna give it up.

167
00:06:18,597 --> 00:06:20,631
But we do need to talk.

168
00:06:20,633 --> 00:06:22,683
I said I was sorry.

169
00:06:22,685 --> 00:06:24,301
It's not just that;
it's everything.

170
00:06:24,303 --> 00:06:25,636
It's the...
it's the sneaking around,

171
00:06:25,638 --> 00:06:28,555
it's the curt texts,
it's the going Dutch.

172
00:06:28,557 --> 00:06:31,024
Alan, you know this
is complicated.

173
00:06:31,026 --> 00:06:32,326
I have a boyfriend.

174
00:06:32,328 --> 00:06:33,510
Yes, and I have feelings.

175
00:06:33,512 --> 00:06:35,312
And I am feeling disrespected.

176
00:06:35,314 --> 00:06:38,348
I hear you, and
I will work harder

177
00:06:38,350 --> 00:06:40,534
to make sure that you don't
feel taken for granted.

178
00:06:40,536 --> 00:06:41,902
Thank you.

179
00:06:41,904 --> 00:06:44,688
Now, why don't we
go up to our room

180
00:06:44,690 --> 00:06:47,074
and respectfully
disrespect each other?

181
00:06:47,076 --> 00:06:49,009
Ooh, someone wants a spanking.

182
00:06:49,011 --> 00:06:50,494
I know.

183
00:06:50,496 --> 00:06:52,012
Can it be me this time?

184
00:06:52,014 --> 00:06:54,248
Oh, yeah, we can play
naughty school girl

185
00:06:54,250 --> 00:06:56,083
and no-nonsense math teacher.

186
00:06:56,085 --> 00:06:57,167
Oh, no.

187
00:06:57,169 --> 00:07:00,687
Oh, yes, 138 divided
by two is 69.

188
00:07:00,689 --> 00:07:02,372
No.

189
00:07:02,374 --> 00:07:03,373
It's Stephanie Chapman.

190
00:07:03,375 --> 00:07:04,708
Shh. Maybe she
won't see us.

191
00:07:04,710 --> 00:07:06,560
Lyndsey, Alan!

192
00:07:06,562 --> 00:07:08,645
Stephanie, hi.

193
00:07:08,647 --> 00:07:10,864
Oh, wow, uh, l-look at you,
you look great.

194
00:07:10,866 --> 00:07:14,484
I should. I got the Lap-Band,
and I dropped 172 pounds.

195
00:07:14,486 --> 00:07:15,719
Oh.
Good for you.

196
00:07:15,721 --> 00:07:17,237
Hold your applause till the end.

197
00:07:17,239 --> 00:07:18,438
This is the end.

198
00:07:19,724 --> 00:07:20,890
So, what are you two doing here?

199
00:07:20,892 --> 00:07:21,942
Oh, well...
There...

200
00:07:21,944 --> 00:07:23,193
Are you guys back together?

201
00:07:23,195 --> 00:07:24,645
No, no, we're just...
Did you split up with Larry?

202
00:07:24,647 --> 00:07:26,380
No, Alan and I are
just friends and...

203
00:07:26,382 --> 00:07:27,531
Wine, hotel?

204
00:07:27,533 --> 00:07:30,384
I smell a hookup.

205
00:07:30,386 --> 00:07:33,203
Oh, we are... we are
definitely not together.

206
00:07:33,205 --> 00:07:35,872
Wh-What you smell are
eight-dollar pot stickers.

207
00:07:37,008 --> 00:07:38,325
So, wh-what brings you here?

208
00:07:38,327 --> 00:07:41,628
Uh, there is a singles' mixer,
and this former fatty

209
00:07:41,630 --> 00:07:43,997
is looking for a sugar daddy.

210
00:07:43,999 --> 00:07:46,149
Make sure he's
a-a sugar-free daddy.

211
00:07:47,419 --> 00:07:50,103
You are adorable.
I could just eat you up.

212
00:07:50,105 --> 00:07:52,839
I don't know, I'd probably
just taste like chicken.

213
00:07:52,841 --> 00:07:56,926
Mmm, I'll bring the biscuits
and you bring the gravy.

214
00:07:59,063 --> 00:08:02,149
Okay, I'm gonna leave
you two "friends" alone.

215
00:08:02,151 --> 00:08:05,101
Hashtag "suspicious."

216
00:08:05,103 --> 00:08:06,486
Great seeing you.

217
00:08:06,488 --> 00:08:07,604
You, too.
Oh, take care.

218
00:08:07,606 --> 00:08:08,689
I know you're gonna hate

219
00:08:08,691 --> 00:08:10,490
to see me go,
but you're gonna love

220
00:08:10,492 --> 00:08:12,909
watching me walk away.

221
00:08:12,911 --> 00:08:14,911
Oh, God.

222
00:08:14,913 --> 00:08:16,763
She is the most annoying woman
on the planet.

223
00:08:16,765 --> 00:08:18,382
Yeah, she is horrible.

224
00:08:18,384 --> 00:08:19,800
You have to go
out with her.

225
00:08:19,802 --> 00:08:20,884
Hmm? What?

226
00:08:20,886 --> 00:08:21,835
She totally suspects

227
00:08:21,837 --> 00:08:23,086
we're having an affair.

228
00:08:23,088 --> 00:08:24,671
The only way to convince
her we're not a couple

229
00:08:24,673 --> 00:08:25,839
is for you to ask her out.

230
00:08:25,841 --> 00:08:27,090
No.

231
00:08:27,092 --> 00:08:28,091
Forget her stomach.

232
00:08:28,093 --> 00:08:30,277
They should've stapled
her mouth shut.

233
00:08:30,279 --> 00:08:31,461
That's exactly the problem.

234
00:08:31,463 --> 00:08:32,646
She'll tell Larry.

235
00:08:32,648 --> 00:08:35,015
Oh-oh, no, no, there-there has
to be an easier way.

236
00:08:35,017 --> 00:08:36,149
Can't I just kill her?

237
00:08:36,151 --> 00:08:38,769
It'd be a much smaller grave
to dig now.

238
00:08:38,771 --> 00:08:41,471
I'm serious, if you ever want
to have sex with me again,

239
00:08:41,473 --> 00:08:42,706
you will ask her out.

240
00:08:42,708 --> 00:08:44,358
Oh, fine, fine,
I'll-I'll ask her out.

241
00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:45,525
Now let's go upstairs.

242
00:08:45,527 --> 00:08:46,976
Oh, it's not gonna happen.

243
00:08:46,978 --> 00:08:47,977
She's right over there.

244
00:08:47,979 --> 00:08:48,962
I'm going home.

245
00:08:48,964 --> 00:08:50,330
But-but I thought
we were gonna...

246
00:08:50,332 --> 00:08:52,165
Good-bye.

247
00:09:10,686 --> 00:09:13,987
Wow, this is a beautiful house!

248
00:09:13,989 --> 00:09:15,389
Who lives here?

249
00:09:15,391 --> 00:09:16,857
You do.

250
00:09:16,859 --> 00:09:19,092
Whoa, I must be rich!

251
00:09:19,094 --> 00:09:20,644
You are.

252
00:09:20,646 --> 00:09:21,828
Oh, yeah!

253
00:09:21,830 --> 00:09:24,031
Whoa, my fingers are glowing!

254
00:09:24,033 --> 00:09:27,784
I'm so rich I have
rainbow fingers!

255
00:09:27,786 --> 00:09:29,736
Hey, let's get some music going.

256
00:09:29,738 --> 00:09:31,154
Yeah!
Yeah!

257
00:09:31,156 --> 00:09:33,106
Oh!

258
00:09:33,108 --> 00:09:36,576
This is the greatest
song I've ever heard!

259
00:09:36,578 --> 00:09:38,862
Walden? Jenny?

260
00:09:38,864 --> 00:09:40,347
It-it's 3:00
in the morning.

261
00:09:40,349 --> 00:09:42,516
I know, and I'm still awake!

262
00:09:42,518 --> 00:09:45,001
And I'm still wasted!

263
00:09:45,003 --> 00:09:47,187
Oh, no, your fingers
aren't glowing!

264
00:09:47,189 --> 00:09:49,506
Oh, that's because he's poor.

265
00:09:50,675 --> 00:09:53,760
Oh, I am sorry, Alan.

266
00:09:53,762 --> 00:09:55,929
Whoa!

267
00:09:55,931 --> 00:09:57,814
Your skin is so soft.

268
00:09:57,816 --> 00:10:00,233
Guys, feel Alan's skin.
It's so soft.

269
00:10:00,235 --> 00:10:01,635
Whoa!
It's so soft.

270
00:10:01,637 --> 00:10:03,003
It's so soft.
Okay, okay, okay!

271
00:10:03,005 --> 00:10:04,504
Everybody stop touching me.

272
00:10:04,506 --> 00:10:06,055
Except you.

273
00:10:07,024 --> 00:10:08,325
Hi. I'm Alan.

274
00:10:08,327 --> 00:10:11,545
Alan, I'm high.

275
00:10:11,547 --> 00:10:13,380
What-what is going on?

276
00:10:13,382 --> 00:10:15,082
Oh, Alan, we were at a party,

277
00:10:15,084 --> 00:10:16,483
and we were drinking
and smoking,

278
00:10:16,485 --> 00:10:19,920
and then I ate a tiny pill
off of someone's nipple.

279
00:10:19,922 --> 00:10:21,822
It was like a nipple
Pez dispenser.

280
00:10:21,824 --> 00:10:24,240
Okay, okay, it's time
for the party to end,

281
00:10:24,242 --> 00:10:25,725
and everybody
to just sleep this off.

282
00:10:25,727 --> 00:10:27,694
Yeah, Alan's right.

283
00:10:27,696 --> 00:10:30,530
We should get naked and
go skinny-dipping in the ocean!

284
00:10:30,532 --> 00:10:32,065
Yeah, Sarah's right.
Come on.

285
00:10:35,471 --> 00:10:38,321
Ha-ha! Yes!

286
00:10:41,526 --> 00:10:44,093
He's going skinny-dipping
with the hot chicks,

287
00:10:44,095 --> 00:10:47,096
and my girlfriend's
banging another dude.

288
00:10:47,098 --> 00:10:49,232
Can you throw me a bone, God?

289
00:10:50,369 --> 00:10:52,769
Oh, I didn't forget
about you, Alan.

290
00:10:52,771 --> 00:10:55,455
There's a new melon
in the fridge.

291
00:11:08,470 --> 00:11:09,836
Oh, crap.

292
00:11:09,838 --> 00:11:13,056
♪ <i>Men.</i> ♪

293
00:11:21,157 --> 00:11:24,108
Don't be naked, don't be naked.

294
00:11:24,110 --> 00:11:27,329
Damn.

295
00:11:27,331 --> 00:11:29,881
Don't be naked,
don't be naked.

296
00:11:29,883 --> 00:11:31,483
Damn.

297
00:11:32,418 --> 00:11:34,686
Damn!

298
00:11:36,772 --> 00:11:38,423
Whoa!

299
00:11:39,642 --> 00:11:41,643
Whoa.

300
00:11:43,346 --> 00:11:45,897
Whoa!

301
00:11:45,899 --> 00:11:47,349
Morning.

302
00:11:47,351 --> 00:11:48,966
We're naked.

303
00:11:48,968 --> 00:11:49,967
Yes, we are.

304
00:11:49,969 --> 00:11:51,519
How did we get here?

305
00:11:51,521 --> 00:11:52,970
The last thing
I remember

306
00:11:52,972 --> 00:11:54,639
was asking some chick,

307
00:11:54,641 --> 00:11:57,108
"Can you mix these
with alcohol?"

308
00:11:57,110 --> 00:11:59,577
Apparently the answer is no.

309
00:11:59,579 --> 00:12:02,364
Okay, 'cause the...
'cause the last thing I remember

310
00:12:02,366 --> 00:12:04,499
is you looking
in a mirror saying,

311
00:12:04,501 --> 00:12:06,751
"Can we mix these with alcohol""

312
00:12:06,753 --> 00:12:08,086
Don't worry.

313
00:12:08,088 --> 00:12:09,153
Nothing could've happened.

314
00:12:09,155 --> 00:12:10,338
I'm gay.

315
00:12:11,173 --> 00:12:12,674
Ah, that's right.

316
00:12:12,676 --> 00:12:15,159
You're gay.

317
00:12:15,161 --> 00:12:16,177
Wait.

318
00:12:16,179 --> 00:12:17,212
How gay?

319
00:12:17,214 --> 00:12:19,381
Like, one being,
"Yay, it's college!"

320
00:12:19,383 --> 00:12:22,667
Or ten being,
"I'm going Subaru shopping

321
00:12:22,669 --> 00:12:24,886
with Ellen and Rosie."

322
00:12:26,639 --> 00:12:27,856
I'm closer to a nine.

323
00:12:27,858 --> 00:12:29,274
I mean, I make my own soap,

324
00:12:29,276 --> 00:12:30,892
but I don't sell it
at the Lilith Fair.

325
00:12:30,894 --> 00:12:33,194
Oh, great, great.

326
00:12:33,196 --> 00:12:34,229
I mean, granted you're prettier

327
00:12:34,231 --> 00:12:35,780
than a lot of the women
I've dated,

328
00:12:35,782 --> 00:12:38,767
ut you have an outie
and I'm into innies.

329
00:12:38,769 --> 00:12:40,568
Okay, okay,
so we didn't have sex.

330
00:12:40,570 --> 00:12:42,070
That is a load off.

331
00:12:42,072 --> 00:12:43,638
Uh, that's a poor choice
of words.

332
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:47,459
Although sometimes
I date an innie

333
00:12:47,461 --> 00:12:49,511
who has an outtie in her purse.

334
00:12:49,513 --> 00:12:52,113
What is that supposed to mean?

335
00:12:52,115 --> 00:12:55,867
I don't know,
I'm just saying it's possible.

336
00:12:55,869 --> 00:12:57,969
Oh, God, if Alan finds out,
he's gonna freak out.

337
00:12:57,971 --> 00:12:59,838
He won't move out,
but he will freak out.

338
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:01,372
Okay, settle down.

339
00:13:01,374 --> 00:13:03,758
We don't even know if there's
anything to freak out about.

340
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:04,926
Hello.

341
00:13:04,928 --> 00:13:06,878
Hello.
Stop that!

342
00:13:07,813 --> 00:13:09,030
We got to figure out what to do.

343
00:13:09,032 --> 00:13:10,432
Okay, what we're gonna do

344
00:13:10,434 --> 00:13:12,700
is never talk about this again.

345
00:13:12,702 --> 00:13:14,068
So, you're just saying deny

346
00:13:14,070 --> 00:13:16,020
that we ever woke up
in bed naked together?

347
00:13:16,022 --> 00:13:18,406
I have a motto
for situations like this.

348
00:13:18,408 --> 00:13:20,442
What happens in Jenny,

349
00:13:20,444 --> 00:13:22,610
stays in Jenny.

350
00:13:26,015 --> 00:13:28,666
So, I was really surprised
you called me.

351
00:13:28,668 --> 00:13:32,520
Well, I-I couldn't get
your voice out of my head.

352
00:13:32,522 --> 00:13:34,973
You're not the first one
to say that.

353
00:13:34,975 --> 00:13:38,042
There it goes again.

354
00:13:38,044 --> 00:13:41,095
No, I was surprised
because I was vibing there was

355
00:13:41,097 --> 00:13:43,214
definitely something going on
between you and Lyndsey.

356
00:13:43,216 --> 00:13:44,799
No, we're-we're just friends.

357
00:13:44,801 --> 00:13:46,468
And-and barely that.

358
00:13:47,603 --> 00:13:49,521
She's a drunk, you know?

359
00:13:49,523 --> 00:13:51,055
Oh, believe me, I know.

360
00:13:51,057 --> 00:13:52,590
You should hear wine bottles
in her trash bins

361
00:13:52,592 --> 00:13:53,825
on Friday morning.
Mm-hmm.

362
00:13:53,827 --> 00:13:56,478
I mean, clank, clank,
drunken skank!

363
00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:58,847
Yeah, she's a whore, too.

364
00:13:58,849 --> 00:14:01,816
I don't know
why she ever let you go.

365
00:14:01,818 --> 00:14:03,818
You are quite the catch.

366
00:14:03,820 --> 00:14:05,904
Uh, I know I present that way,

367
00:14:05,906 --> 00:14:07,889
but I'm more catch and release.

368
00:14:07,891 --> 00:14:10,041
Well, I am not releasing.

369
00:14:19,168 --> 00:14:20,902
You are so cute.

370
00:14:20,904 --> 00:14:23,054
Thank you.
Uh, you're not eating your food.

371
00:14:23,056 --> 00:14:24,372
Do you not like Souplantation?

372
00:14:24,374 --> 00:14:27,175
No, I love it,
but since the surgery,

373
00:14:27,177 --> 00:14:30,345
I can't eat a portion
larger than my fist.

374
00:14:31,463 --> 00:14:32,630
But don't worry.

375
00:14:32,632 --> 00:14:34,816
That only applies to food.

376
00:14:40,322 --> 00:14:44,158
How are you still single?

377
00:14:49,331 --> 00:14:50,782
Hey.

378
00:14:50,784 --> 00:14:52,634
Hey.

379
00:14:52,636 --> 00:14:54,669
So, listen.

380
00:14:54,671 --> 00:14:58,356
Uh, about that thing
that didn't happen...

381
00:14:59,842 --> 00:15:03,311
I have a way to figure out
if it happened.

382
00:15:03,313 --> 00:15:06,297
I'm not peeing on any sticks.

383
00:15:06,299 --> 00:15:07,966
No.

384
00:15:07,968 --> 00:15:10,919
There is a camera in my room.

385
00:15:12,372 --> 00:15:15,023
And that's why
I don't sleep with guys.

386
00:15:15,025 --> 00:15:16,558
It was your dad's.

387
00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:18,509
And that's why I drink.

388
00:15:20,362 --> 00:15:23,514
So we could watch the video back

389
00:15:23,516 --> 00:15:25,183
and know for sure.

390
00:15:25,185 --> 00:15:26,918
Or...

391
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:28,369
we could erase it

392
00:15:28,371 --> 00:15:32,189
and continue to deny
that anything ever happened.

393
00:15:33,359 --> 00:15:34,676
Play it.

394
00:15:34,678 --> 00:15:36,127
Ah, damn it.

395
00:15:36,129 --> 00:15:38,012
I was sure you were
gonna say erase it.

396
00:15:38,014 --> 00:15:39,247
No, I want to watch it.

397
00:15:39,249 --> 00:15:41,516
It'll be like a quarterback
watching game film.

398
00:15:41,518 --> 00:15:44,152
Only the quarterback's
a lesbian.

399
00:15:44,154 --> 00:15:46,804
And the game's boning a dude.

400
00:15:46,806 --> 00:15:48,356
Exactly.

401
00:15:48,358 --> 00:15:49,774
Okay.

402
00:15:51,393 --> 00:15:53,461
Here we go.

403
00:15:54,547 --> 00:15:56,431
Wait!
Erase it?

404
00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:57,882
No, I want to make popcorn.

405
00:16:00,102 --> 00:16:03,404
So both of my ex-husbands
turned out to be gay.

406
00:16:03,406 --> 00:16:06,541
But the weird thing is...
is after I divorced them,

407
00:16:06,543 --> 00:16:08,610
they both turned straight again.

408
00:16:08,612 --> 00:16:10,411
What are the odds?

409
00:16:10,413 --> 00:16:12,614
Uh, well, this has been great.

410
00:16:12,616 --> 00:16:14,732
Whoa, somebody's fresh.

411
00:16:18,137 --> 00:16:19,504
Come on in.

412
00:16:19,506 --> 00:16:21,706
I would love to take
you up on that,

413
00:16:21,708 --> 00:16:23,124
but, you know,
it's, uh....

414
00:16:23,126 --> 00:16:25,793
6:45...

415
00:16:25,795 --> 00:16:28,713
and, uh, I have
got to go home

416
00:16:28,715 --> 00:16:29,964
and, uh, hit the hay.

417
00:16:29,966 --> 00:16:31,399
Oh, I have hay here.

418
00:16:31,401 --> 00:16:34,585
And I will definitely
let you "hit it."

419
00:16:34,587 --> 00:16:36,054
That is tempting.

420
00:16:36,056 --> 00:16:38,589
Uh, and I am definitely
gonna have to come

421
00:16:38,591 --> 00:16:42,410
to terms with that while
I'm in the monastery.

422
00:16:42,412 --> 00:16:43,728
All right, I get it.

423
00:16:43,730 --> 00:16:45,262
You're making excuses

424
00:16:45,264 --> 00:16:46,931
because you're still
in love with Lyndsey.

425
00:16:46,933 --> 00:16:48,750
God, no, we're-we're
just friends.

426
00:16:48,752 --> 00:16:50,752
Yeah, and I didn't
just fart in your car.

427
00:16:52,121 --> 00:16:54,438
It's fine, okay?
I get it.

428
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:57,091
I just feel bad
for her boyfriend.

429
00:16:57,093 --> 00:16:58,660
Wait!

430
00:16:58,662 --> 00:17:00,795
Uh, if-if I was still
in love with Lyndsey,

431
00:17:00,797 --> 00:17:02,246
would I do this?

432
00:17:04,466 --> 00:17:05,750
Wow.

433
00:17:05,752 --> 00:17:08,636
Do that again, but keep
your eyes open and say my name.

434
00:17:10,305 --> 00:17:11,455
Stephanie?

435
00:17:17,129 --> 00:17:18,429
Are you sure about this?

436
00:17:18,431 --> 00:17:20,982
Because once we see it,
we can't un-see it.

437
00:17:20,984 --> 00:17:22,984
Yeah, worst-case
scenario, it's a video

438
00:17:22,986 --> 00:17:25,186
of two hot people
having sex.

439
00:17:25,188 --> 00:17:27,939
Well, I'm just gonna say...

440
00:17:27,941 --> 00:17:30,141
if I had sex with one Harper
in this house,

441
00:17:30,143 --> 00:17:31,809
thank God it was you.

442
00:17:33,912 --> 00:17:36,647
Okay.

443
00:17:36,649 --> 00:17:40,351
Oh, this is not
a good start.

444
00:17:40,353 --> 00:17:43,538
♪ Bow chicka bow wow.

445
00:17:43,540 --> 00:17:47,008
Oh, having sex with a guy
in my dad's bed.

446
00:17:47,010 --> 00:17:49,510
Paging Dr. Freud, huh?

447
00:17:49,512 --> 00:17:51,462
You know what?
Let's just go back to denial.

448
00:17:51,464 --> 00:17:52,513
No, wait, wait!

449
00:17:52,515 --> 00:17:54,165
Wait, that is not me.

450
00:17:54,167 --> 00:17:57,334
I don't have a Fred
Flintstone tattoo.

451
00:17:57,336 --> 00:17:59,537
Well, if that's not you,
then who is she?

452
00:17:59,539 --> 00:18:03,725
You're the one
yabba-dabba-doin' her.

453
00:18:05,343 --> 00:18:07,011
I don't know who that is.

454
00:18:07,013 --> 00:18:08,813
God, I love living
at the beach.

455
00:18:08,815 --> 00:18:10,148
Mmm.

456
00:18:10,150 --> 00:18:11,149
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

457
00:18:11,151 --> 00:18:12,483
That's Heidi!

458
00:18:12,485 --> 00:18:14,118
You banged Heidi.
Really?

459
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:15,536
Yes! Good going.

460
00:18:17,907 --> 00:18:19,907
So, how did I end
up in your bed?

461
00:18:19,909 --> 00:18:21,125
I don't... Uh, wait.

462
00:18:21,127 --> 00:18:22,293
Is that you?

463
00:18:22,295 --> 00:18:24,528
Yeah.
Well, who are you with?

464
00:18:24,530 --> 00:18:27,131
Oops, I turned Sarah.

465
00:18:28,334 --> 00:18:31,085
Nice!

466
00:18:31,087 --> 00:18:33,588
Wh-Whoa, who are
those people?

467
00:18:34,657 --> 00:18:36,874
Do you remember the
bonfire on the beach?

468
00:18:36,876 --> 00:18:39,093
Yeah, the Italian
exchange students!

469
00:18:39,095 --> 00:18:40,895
"I no have-ah
the bus fare-ah."

470
00:18:40,897 --> 00:18:43,214
They no have-ah
no pants-ah!

471
00:18:43,216 --> 00:18:43,880
Oh, wow!

472
00:18:43,905 --> 00:18:45,050
Did we invite them
back to the house?

473
00:18:45,051 --> 00:18:47,485
I guess so-- I mean,
that is a big pile of naked.

474
00:18:47,487 --> 00:18:50,605
Oh... oh, man.

475
00:18:50,607 --> 00:18:53,557
Now Heidi's with the guy
that looks like James Franco.

476
00:18:55,361 --> 00:18:58,696
Wait, that is James Franco!

477
00:18:58,698 --> 00:19:02,617
That guy is in everything!

478
00:19:02,619 --> 00:19:04,752
Wait a second,
who am I with now?

479
00:19:04,754 --> 00:19:06,704
Oh, now you're with Sarah.

480
00:19:07,707 --> 00:19:10,591
Turned her back-- wah!

481
00:19:10,593 --> 00:19:11,726
Oh...

482
00:19:11,728 --> 00:19:13,728
that is some
Game of Thrones stuff there.

483
00:19:13,730 --> 00:19:15,797
Yeah, but we
didn't, uh...?

484
00:19:15,799 --> 00:19:17,799
No, I guess not.

485
00:19:17,801 --> 00:19:21,152
Oh, well, maybe.

486
00:19:21,154 --> 00:19:23,070
That is my ass.

487
00:19:23,072 --> 00:19:26,824
No, that's my ass.

488
00:19:26,826 --> 00:19:28,776
Oh.

489
00:19:28,778 --> 00:19:30,595
Is that your arm?

490
00:19:30,597 --> 00:19:31,929
Uh, no, that is my...

491
00:19:31,931 --> 00:19:33,264
What are you doing?

492
00:19:34,099 --> 00:19:35,650
Nothing.

493
00:19:35,652 --> 00:19:36,651
Hanging out.

494
00:19:36,653 --> 00:19:39,203
Okay. So, listen.

495
00:19:39,205 --> 00:19:42,940
Are we all gonna talk about
the orgy we had last night?

496
00:19:46,578 --> 00:19:49,397
What?

497
00:19:49,399 --> 00:19:51,149
Y-You were there?

498
00:19:51,151 --> 00:19:52,216
Hell, yeah.

499
00:19:52,218 --> 00:19:54,519
I banged James Franco.

500
00:19:54,521 --> 00:19:57,088
♪ <i>Men.</i> ♪

501
00:20:02,523 --> 00:20:03,707
♪ <i>Men.</i> ♪

502
00:20:03,709 --> 00:20:05,325
I'm so glad
you were able to get away.

503
00:20:05,327 --> 00:20:07,044
I owe you one for going
out with Stephanie.

504
00:20:07,046 --> 00:20:09,079
The only way I got through it...

505
00:20:09,081 --> 00:20:10,881
Mm-hmm.
was by thinking of you.

506
00:20:10,883 --> 00:20:11,915
Through what?

507
00:20:11,917 --> 00:20:13,467
You know, Stephanie.

508
00:20:13,469 --> 00:20:15,035
I took one for the team.

509
00:20:15,037 --> 00:20:16,787
Rather I, uh,
gave one for the team.

510
00:20:16,789 --> 00:20:18,722
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

511
00:20:18,724 --> 00:20:19,873
You had sex with her?

512
00:20:19,875 --> 00:20:22,392
Yeah, the second time
was not easy.

513
00:20:22,394 --> 00:20:24,144
Oh, my God!

514
00:20:24,146 --> 00:20:25,329
What? Wasn't I supposed to?

515
00:20:25,331 --> 00:20:26,647
No, you were supposed
to take her out,

516
00:20:26,649 --> 00:20:28,065
go to a movie or something.

517
00:20:28,067 --> 00:20:29,183
Oh, I don't think I could've sat

518
00:20:29,185 --> 00:20:30,400
through a movie with her.

519
00:20:30,402 --> 00:20:32,486
You are unbelievable.
I'm out of here.

520
00:20:32,488 --> 00:20:33,937
B-But I thought we were gonna...

521
00:20:33,939 --> 00:20:35,305
Oh, no. God, no.

522
00:20:35,307 --> 00:20:36,807
But... but...

523
00:20:36,809 --> 00:20:38,909
but you have a boyfriend!

524
00:20:47,685 --> 00:20:49,285
Hello, uh, Stephanie?

525
00:20:49,287 --> 00:20:51,004
Yeah, it-it's Alan.

526
00:20:51,006 --> 00:20:53,873
Uh, turns out, uh,
the doctor read my MRI wrong.

527
00:20:53,875 --> 00:20:55,653
I will be free tonight.

528
00:20:56,831 --> 00:20:58,476
♪ <i>Men.</i> ♪

529
00:20:58,620 --> 00:21:03,620
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man