1 00:00:02,310 --> 00:00:04,470 That human's spent a lot of time up there lately. 2 00:00:05,110 --> 00:00:06,150 I wonder what he's doing. 3 00:00:06,710 --> 00:00:08,290 I don't know, but I didn't hear any screams. 4 00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:11,510 I'm home. 5 00:00:11,730 --> 00:00:12,730 Hey, Mom. Hi, honey. 6 00:00:13,490 --> 00:00:16,050 Hi, I'm sorry I'm late. I had to stop off and get some milk. 7 00:00:17,150 --> 00:00:18,410 Maybe you better take it back. 8 00:00:18,630 --> 00:00:19,870 I don't think we can afford it. 9 00:00:20,110 --> 00:00:21,390 Oh, that time of the month again? 10 00:00:21,710 --> 00:00:24,150 By the time everything's paid for, there's nothing left. 11 00:00:25,590 --> 00:00:28,570 And I thought with the both of us working, we'd be doing a lot better. 12 00:00:29,470 --> 00:00:30,690 Well, actually, I am. 13 00:00:32,460 --> 00:00:36,420 It's just, I got so used to paying the bills out of your paycheck, I've kind of 14 00:00:36,420 --> 00:00:39,240 been depositing mine down at this cute little bank at the mall. 15 00:00:40,660 --> 00:00:41,900 Did you see the toaster? 16 00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:45,660 So how much do you have in this cute little bank? 17 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:49,340 Oh, gee, I don't know. I guess around $12 ,000. 18 00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:50,880 What? 19 00:00:55,080 --> 00:01:02,030 At any rate, these... journals cover a three -year 20 00:01:02,030 --> 00:01:03,190 stay with the Owens family. 21 00:01:03,930 --> 00:01:08,670 And I trust as a publisher, you'll find my observations as insightful and 22 00:01:08,670 --> 00:01:09,750 amusing as I do. 23 00:01:13,470 --> 00:01:14,470 Who's wrong here? 24 00:01:15,970 --> 00:01:18,430 How did you get in here? I thought the door was locked. 25 00:01:19,030 --> 00:01:20,030 It was. 26 00:01:21,610 --> 00:01:24,890 So, um, what are you doing with all these books? Mind your own business. 27 00:01:25,150 --> 00:01:26,310 Getting ready to throw them in the trash? 28 00:01:26,550 --> 00:01:27,550 Go away, I'm busy. 29 00:01:28,090 --> 00:01:29,090 Okay, okay. 30 00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:32,080 Do you want to lock the door? 31 00:01:36,100 --> 00:01:37,940 Throw them in the trash, indeed. 32 00:01:39,220 --> 00:01:41,260 These are going to make me famous. 33 00:02:00,110 --> 00:02:03,510 As you came through the door, no one glared. 34 00:02:04,270 --> 00:02:09,470 According to our new rival, life is more than mere survival. 35 00:02:10,229 --> 00:02:13,370 And we just might live a good life yet. 36 00:02:15,830 --> 00:02:17,550 Western, Western Journal! 37 00:02:34,670 --> 00:02:35,870 I think I ought to hide the cheese. 38 00:02:37,050 --> 00:02:40,790 George, we're just helping Kevin with his cheers. Yeah, I'm going out for the 39 00:02:40,790 --> 00:02:41,790 pep squad. 40 00:02:42,030 --> 00:02:43,510 You sure you got the legs for it? 41 00:02:43,850 --> 00:02:47,150 Come on, George. It won't hurt him to have a little school spirit. 42 00:02:47,550 --> 00:02:48,550 I know, I know. 43 00:02:48,770 --> 00:02:51,910 Yeah, besides, doing this stuff is the only way I'll ever get to hold a 44 00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:53,730 cheerleader up by those little ruffled hands. 45 00:02:55,610 --> 00:02:56,670 Hey, good point. 46 00:02:58,770 --> 00:03:00,550 Wow, Mr. Belvedere, that was great. 47 00:03:01,110 --> 00:03:03,030 I'm glad you enjoyed it. What happened? 48 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:05,040 Let me drive home. 49 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:06,320 What? 50 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:09,200 Actually, the wagon broke down about a block from here. 51 00:03:09,780 --> 00:03:13,260 I let Wesley steer while I pushed the remainder of the way. 52 00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:17,880 That's straight up you, big guy. You're lucky the car didn't roll back over you. 53 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:20,740 It's okay, Dad. I had my foot on the brake the whole time. 54 00:03:25,780 --> 00:03:28,080 I guess I better take that heap in tomorrow. 55 00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:30,480 Cough up another 200 bucks. 56 00:03:31,140 --> 00:03:32,480 No, that's all right, honey. 57 00:03:32,990 --> 00:03:33,909 I'll pay for it. 58 00:03:33,910 --> 00:03:34,910 You will? 59 00:03:34,950 --> 00:03:38,930 Yeah. I mean, I'm a contributing member of the family now. There's no reason I 60 00:03:38,930 --> 00:03:40,530 shouldn't share our financial obligations. 61 00:03:41,010 --> 00:03:46,850 Hey, thanks, Mark. So, you really think it's going to cost $200? 62 00:03:47,450 --> 00:03:49,350 Nah. It'll probably cost more. 63 00:03:52,010 --> 00:03:53,590 I received the manuscript. 64 00:03:54,670 --> 00:03:55,790 And you're quite right. 65 00:03:56,410 --> 00:03:58,530 It's much more impressive all typed up. 66 00:04:00,430 --> 00:04:01,430 Look, 67 00:04:01,730 --> 00:04:02,728 I have to go. 68 00:04:02,730 --> 00:04:05,370 I'll make all the changes and get them right back to you. Goodbye. 69 00:04:06,850 --> 00:04:07,910 Who's that? No one. 70 00:04:08,450 --> 00:04:10,350 What's this? Nothing. Where's my snack? 71 00:04:10,570 --> 00:04:11,570 Nowhere, sir. Beat it. 72 00:04:12,950 --> 00:04:15,770 Listen up, Mr. Belvedere. You're usually not so mean to me. 73 00:04:17,370 --> 00:04:20,130 Well, you are, but you're usually a lot nicer about it. 74 00:04:21,310 --> 00:04:24,690 I'm sorry, Wesley, but Mr. Belvedere has a great deal on his mind. 75 00:04:25,910 --> 00:04:29,230 Look, here's a dollar. Go and get yourself some gummy bears. 76 00:04:29,930 --> 00:04:33,230 You know I can't eat those things. They glue my teeth together and make it so I 77 00:04:33,230 --> 00:04:34,230 can't even talk. 78 00:04:34,930 --> 00:04:36,090 In that case, you're ten. 79 00:04:39,470 --> 00:04:41,230 Hey, Mr. Belvedere. Hi, Heather. 80 00:04:43,090 --> 00:04:45,610 How's Kevin doing with his pep squad tryouts? 81 00:04:48,750 --> 00:04:49,910 Did that answer your question? 82 00:04:52,650 --> 00:04:53,650 Didn't make the pep squad. 83 00:04:54,310 --> 00:04:56,370 I mean, you should have seen the other guys I was up against. 84 00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:59,490 Half of them were on the gym team and the rest were into modern dance. 85 00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:03,260 I look like a total klutz out there. What happened? Did you collapse the 86 00:05:03,260 --> 00:05:04,260 pyramid? 87 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:06,560 Sorry. 88 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:08,800 Anyway, they offered me a job as the mascot. 89 00:05:09,020 --> 00:05:12,380 All I have to do is fall down a lot and run around like a jerk. 90 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,240 I guess I figure I can handle that. 91 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,340 Well, I'm sure you'll be a woodchuck that Wexford can be proud of. 92 00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:20,040 Thanks. 93 00:05:24,780 --> 00:05:25,780 Hey, 94 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:29,359 what's for dinner? 95 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:30,360 Something smells great. 96 00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:31,860 It's the family's favorite. 97 00:05:32,220 --> 00:05:35,480 Poached Norwegian salmon in a lime and ginger sauce. 98 00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:37,600 No, that's not it. 99 00:05:39,860 --> 00:05:43,880 Oh, then you probably mean the boil -in -a -bag sloppy joes. 100 00:05:44,940 --> 00:05:46,280 I love that stuff. 101 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:49,720 Now try not to get your buns soggy. 102 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:55,440 Mom. 103 00:05:56,220 --> 00:05:57,220 Hey, hi. 104 00:05:57,280 --> 00:05:58,520 How'd you make out with the wagon? 105 00:05:58,970 --> 00:06:01,570 Oh, pretty good. I got almost $300 for a trade -in. 106 00:06:02,190 --> 00:06:03,190 What? 107 00:06:03,390 --> 00:06:07,410 Well, the guy at the garage said that my gaskets were blown and my block was 108 00:06:07,410 --> 00:06:08,630 cracked, whatever that means. 109 00:06:08,890 --> 00:06:12,730 So I figured, hey, what the heck, I got the money. I might as well buy the 110 00:06:12,730 --> 00:06:13,730 family a new car. 111 00:06:13,950 --> 00:06:14,950 So I did. 112 00:06:15,490 --> 00:06:16,490 Hey, that's great. 113 00:06:17,190 --> 00:06:19,230 Oh, what did you get us, Miss Moneybags? Another wagon? 114 00:06:20,610 --> 00:06:22,010 Wait till you guys see this. 115 00:06:22,250 --> 00:06:24,670 Somebody left a brand new Porsche in our driveway. 116 00:06:24,990 --> 00:06:25,990 You mean Mom? 117 00:06:29,290 --> 00:06:31,550 I didn't even know Porsche made station wagons. 118 00:06:32,990 --> 00:06:35,870 Mom, car is awesome. You think so? 119 00:06:36,090 --> 00:06:39,790 Yeah, well, you see it, Dad. It's redder than a baboon's butt. 120 00:06:43,730 --> 00:06:44,830 Sounds great, champ. 121 00:06:45,670 --> 00:06:46,810 Come along, everybody. 122 00:06:47,070 --> 00:06:47,969 Dinner's ready. 123 00:06:47,970 --> 00:06:51,270 Hey, Mr. Belvedere, guess what? Mom bought a brand new car. 124 00:06:51,610 --> 00:06:52,610 Oh, that's wonderful. 125 00:06:52,710 --> 00:06:54,890 Now we all have something to celebrate. 126 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:01,960 Everyone enjoy their dinner? 127 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:05,860 It was delicious, Mr. Belvedere. Well, I'll be back in a minute with dessert. 128 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:09,620 It's a chocolate raspberry trifle. Your favorite. 129 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:12,640 Now I know he's up to something. 130 00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:15,180 Last time he made that for us, he wouldn't share it with anybody. 131 00:07:16,780 --> 00:07:19,020 He has been acting a little strange lately. 132 00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:22,420 Yeah, I went by his room the other night. He was standing there in a derby 133 00:07:22,420 --> 00:07:26,000 long underwear, thanking everybody for his Nobel Prize in Literature. 134 00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:28,440 Actually, I was being ridiculous. 135 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,940 The best I could possibly hope for is a Pulitzer. 136 00:07:31,420 --> 00:07:32,420 Well, 137 00:07:33,540 --> 00:07:37,560 I suppose you all know about the journal I've been keeping where I write down 138 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:40,400 about all the quirky little things you people do. 139 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:42,160 No. 140 00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:44,720 Oh. 141 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:46,340 Well, anyway, I have. 142 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:48,760 And I thought it might be fun to share it. 143 00:07:49,100 --> 00:07:50,100 With whom? 144 00:07:50,180 --> 00:07:52,240 The rest of the civilized world. 145 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:54,480 What? 146 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:56,300 It's being published next week. 147 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:58,000 I hope you enjoy it. 148 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:09,840 Hey, 149 00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:12,079 wait a minute. 150 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:15,760 I'm still worried about the time Kevin barfed in the church collection for you. 151 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:17,640 I got nervous. 152 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:19,320 I didn't have any change. 153 00:08:21,180 --> 00:08:23,160 Well, any comments? 154 00:08:23,900 --> 00:08:24,900 You're fired. 155 00:08:30,220 --> 00:08:35,220 the lovable if somewhat childish patriarch of the Owens clan, who puts 156 00:08:35,220 --> 00:08:40,120 on his mashed potatoes, Mr. Bubble in his bathwater, and refuses to sleep 157 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,820 without his trusty Fred Flintstone nightlight? 158 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:46,200 Well, it's true. 159 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:49,340 Yeah, well, that doesn't give you the right to go around blabbing it to 160 00:08:49,340 --> 00:08:51,960 everybody. And anyway, it's bam -bam. 161 00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:54,900 Sorry. 162 00:08:55,100 --> 00:08:57,980 Look, Mr. Belvedere, don't you think we should have talked about this first? 163 00:08:58,320 --> 00:08:59,740 I know, it's just that... 164 00:09:00,060 --> 00:09:02,260 But it all happened so quickly with the publishers and everything. 165 00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:04,360 I wasn't quite sure how to tell you all. 166 00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:06,440 How about, hey, guys, guess what? 167 00:09:06,740 --> 00:09:08,080 I'm writing a book about you. 168 00:09:08,860 --> 00:09:09,860 That would have worked. 169 00:09:10,460 --> 00:09:13,700 Look, if it's any consolation, my publishers think you're the most 170 00:09:13,700 --> 00:09:14,800 family since the Cosbys. 171 00:09:15,500 --> 00:09:17,100 Or in Wesley's case, the Mansons. 172 00:09:18,580 --> 00:09:22,420 They think that my American journal has all the makings of a bestseller. 173 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:24,940 But I couldn't have done it without you wonderful people. 174 00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:27,320 Does that mean we get a piece of the action? 175 00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:28,700 No. 176 00:09:30,209 --> 00:09:34,590 Well, since it's already gone this far, and since I'm sure there's nothing in 177 00:09:34,590 --> 00:09:37,850 there we'd want to sue you over, I guess it's okay. 178 00:09:38,590 --> 00:09:39,590 Right, guys? 179 00:09:39,830 --> 00:09:40,830 Yeah. 180 00:09:41,670 --> 00:09:44,570 Hey, Mom, what's a prisspot? Why, honey? 181 00:09:44,910 --> 00:09:46,590 Because that's what Mr. Belvedere calls you. 182 00:09:48,370 --> 00:09:49,370 I'll be upstairs. 183 00:09:53,290 --> 00:09:54,290 Hi, Dad. 184 00:09:55,430 --> 00:09:56,430 Hey, Woody. 185 00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:57,630 How'd the game go? 186 00:09:57,890 --> 00:09:58,890 Unbelievable. 187 00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:02,860 I got phone numbers from three different cheerleaders, and the homecoming queen 188 00:10:02,860 --> 00:10:04,200 sat on my lap. 189 00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:06,780 Now, Kev, I meant to score. 190 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,180 Oh, I don't know. I think we won. 191 00:10:10,900 --> 00:10:14,640 Dad, it's amazing what women will let you get away with just because you're in 192 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:15,640 funny costume. 193 00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:17,960 I guess it's because you look so non -threatening. 194 00:10:18,740 --> 00:10:20,380 I suppose. 195 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:23,620 You know those guys at Disneyland? 196 00:10:23,820 --> 00:10:25,800 The ones who dress up like the seven dwarfs? 197 00:10:26,220 --> 00:10:27,420 They must really make out. 198 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:33,320 Hey, did I see Mom ahead of three o 'clock appointment to send her Porsche? 199 00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:34,840 Nah, she's not here, kitten. 200 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:37,000 Oh, come on. I took a shower and everything. 201 00:10:37,820 --> 00:10:40,580 Well, you know, for something that's supposed to be the family car, she sure 202 00:10:40,580 --> 00:10:41,780 hogging it. I don't know. 203 00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:46,340 Maybe all this hot rod business is some new kind of hormonal problem or 204 00:10:46,340 --> 00:10:47,340 something. 205 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:50,320 Give your mom a couple of days. I'm sure she'll come to her senses. 206 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:53,040 I'm home. 207 00:10:55,820 --> 00:11:00,300 I just got this new car alarm. The decibel level is so piercing, it induces 208 00:11:00,300 --> 00:11:01,820 vomiting in three seconds. 209 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:04,300 Gee, I can't wait to hear it. 210 00:11:05,660 --> 00:11:09,620 It's here. It's here. My book has finally hit the shelves. 211 00:11:09,820 --> 00:11:10,820 Oh, yeah? 212 00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:15,000 An American journal, The Suburban Years, by Lynn Belvedere. 213 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,760 A butler's eye view of the five silliest people in North America. 214 00:11:19,620 --> 00:11:21,100 What's so silly about us? 215 00:11:22,740 --> 00:11:24,660 Nothing really. It's just published as hype. 216 00:11:25,870 --> 00:11:27,550 Who's this guy in the back? That's me, Wesley. 217 00:11:28,670 --> 00:11:30,570 No, it's not. There's not enough chins. 218 00:11:32,350 --> 00:11:35,490 I don't know. Now that this thing is really a book, it doesn't seem like such 219 00:11:35,490 --> 00:11:36,490 great idea. 220 00:11:36,570 --> 00:11:39,390 Yeah, I thought this was going to be just some stupid paperback. 221 00:11:39,770 --> 00:11:42,990 I didn't think it was going to look like this. I mean, somebody might actually 222 00:11:42,990 --> 00:11:45,350 buy it. Well, that's the general idea, George. 223 00:11:45,870 --> 00:11:47,450 Look, there's nothing to be concerned about. 224 00:11:48,270 --> 00:11:52,850 The worst that can possibly happen is the Owens clan becomes an overnight 225 00:11:52,850 --> 00:11:53,850 sensation. 226 00:11:54,390 --> 00:11:55,390 It'll be fun. 227 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:01,280 No, Hortense, of course I don't blame you for being upset. 228 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:03,900 I promise I'll talk to him as soon as he gets home. 229 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:05,480 Goodbye. 230 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:07,160 Hey, Mom. 231 00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:09,300 Wesley, did you paint the Huffnagel's dog? 232 00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:12,100 Not recently. 233 00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:16,220 Come on, Mom. That was over two years ago. 234 00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:19,240 Besides, I think I got most of it off when I shaved him. 235 00:12:20,820 --> 00:12:24,380 Well, Mrs. Huffnagel just read Mr. Belvedere's book, and she's furious all 236 00:12:24,380 --> 00:12:25,380 again. 237 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:27,020 Yeah, I'll tell her to get in line. 238 00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:31,600 Ever since that stupid book came out, I haven't been able to get away with 239 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:32,600 anything at school. 240 00:12:32,740 --> 00:12:34,500 Not even with the substitute teachers. 241 00:12:34,900 --> 00:12:37,440 I think the chapter on me is required reading. 242 00:12:58,860 --> 00:12:59,860 This is the Owens residence. 243 00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:04,380 No, the over -eyed, boy -crazy teenage daughter is not home. 244 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:06,800 What's that all about? 245 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:10,380 Oh, just another creep calling me because of Mr. Belvedere's book. That's 246 00:13:10,380 --> 00:13:11,380 fifth one today. 247 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:14,340 Well, if it's bugging you so much, why don't you just disconnect the phone? 248 00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:15,860 Are you crazy? 249 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:17,580 What if Bruce Willis buys a copy? 250 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:22,060 Can you help me with this? I think it's falling apart at the seams. 251 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,740 I'd be glad to help with that. Oh, no, no, it's all right. 252 00:13:35,220 --> 00:13:36,640 You've already fixed my tail. 253 00:13:38,420 --> 00:13:42,280 I had this cheerleader, Roxanne, all convinced I was sweet and sensitive. 254 00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:45,760 Then she read in your book about the time I dumped Wendy at the prom for 255 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:50,280 girl. Now she thinks I'm some sort of superficial sex -crazed scumbucket. 256 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:52,800 Kevin, may I ask you one question? 257 00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:59,740 Sure. Miss Roxanne, did she buy her own coffee or borrow someone else's? 258 00:14:05,390 --> 00:14:07,050 You see my review in the paper? 259 00:14:07,510 --> 00:14:08,510 It's quite favorable. 260 00:14:09,230 --> 00:14:14,030 That's great, Mr. Belvedere. Anyway, George, I have an autograph party at 261 00:14:14,030 --> 00:14:17,530 Booktown tomorrow, and I was wondering if I might take a few hours. 262 00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:19,430 Oh, sure, big guy. Take the whole day. 263 00:14:19,830 --> 00:14:20,830 Take a week. 264 00:14:20,950 --> 00:14:21,950 Take a month. 265 00:14:21,970 --> 00:14:22,970 Take a hike. 266 00:14:24,330 --> 00:14:25,330 No problem. 267 00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:26,690 Oh, no. 268 00:14:26,850 --> 00:14:29,370 We like being the laughingstock of Beaver Falls. 269 00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:31,570 I wonder what that noise was. 270 00:14:32,710 --> 00:14:33,910 I'm sure he yucked it out. 271 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,260 how much you like it when we write a book about you. 272 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:39,740 Yeah, maybe we'll call it What the Butler Ate. 273 00:14:41,180 --> 00:14:44,080 I know a lot of people who'd be thrilled to have a book written about them. 274 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:45,800 Sinatra wasn't. 275 00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:52,860 But all that you people have done is to criticize carp and cattle the moment the 276 00:14:52,860 --> 00:14:53,860 book came out. 277 00:14:54,620 --> 00:14:55,960 Not one of you wished me luck. 278 00:14:57,320 --> 00:15:02,160 Or even acknowledged that I also portrayed you as a warm, loving family 279 00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:03,160 Friskpots. 280 00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:21,620 Hello, Booktown. 281 00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:24,300 Yes, madam, we do carry it. 282 00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:27,520 Yes, I'll be happy to put a copy aside for you. 283 00:15:28,140 --> 00:15:29,640 Thank you for calling Booktown. 284 00:15:30,860 --> 00:15:33,180 Is that somebody making an inquiry about my book? 285 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:35,340 No, Vanna White's. 286 00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:40,300 You know, that real sexy -looking gal on Wheel of Fortune. 287 00:15:40,900 --> 00:15:43,340 You know, the one that turns all the letters around. 288 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:44,980 Oh, right. 289 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:47,780 Has she written a book about that? 290 00:15:48,970 --> 00:15:50,570 had a few vowels left over. 291 00:15:53,770 --> 00:15:54,770 Hello. 292 00:16:00,170 --> 00:16:06,690 Is always this quiet around here? 293 00:16:07,530 --> 00:16:10,190 No, it's only when we have guys like you sitting in the window. 294 00:16:12,150 --> 00:16:14,510 You see, the thing is that the book companies... 295 00:16:14,810 --> 00:16:18,290 They always feel that these meet -the -author things are such a great idea. 296 00:16:18,910 --> 00:16:20,910 But all it does is give people the willies. 297 00:16:21,310 --> 00:16:24,330 I mean, they don't know whether to buy a book or give you a donation. 298 00:16:26,790 --> 00:16:30,010 Hey, what happened to all the cookies? 299 00:16:30,470 --> 00:16:31,470 I wouldn't know. 300 00:16:32,910 --> 00:16:35,570 Yeah, well, look, I gotta use the little boy's room. 301 00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:37,430 Keep an eye on the register, will you? 302 00:16:38,050 --> 00:16:39,050 Why not? 303 00:16:49,750 --> 00:16:50,750 signing this for? 304 00:16:52,290 --> 00:16:53,290 Grungetta P. 305 00:16:53,350 --> 00:16:55,370 Schmendelblecker? My, what a lovely name. 306 00:16:56,650 --> 00:16:58,950 Oh, no, it's too soon to tell if there's going to be a sequel. 307 00:16:59,750 --> 00:17:03,670 Perhaps if you bought more copies for all the Schmendelbleckers at home. 308 00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:06,190 Interrupting anything? 309 00:17:06,230 --> 00:17:10,089 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's just that it's been so hectic, you know, 310 00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:12,750 what with signing and selling and selling and signing. I don't know where 311 00:17:12,750 --> 00:17:14,390 stop. Yeah, I know what you mean. 312 00:17:18,030 --> 00:17:19,030 Who's Grungetta P. 313 00:17:19,329 --> 00:17:20,329 Schmendelblech? 314 00:17:21,250 --> 00:17:23,150 Looks like you're actually going to sell one, huh? 315 00:17:23,869 --> 00:17:25,670 What's he talking about, Mr. Belvedere? 316 00:17:25,950 --> 00:17:27,630 I have a small confession to make. 317 00:17:27,890 --> 00:17:29,050 My book is a bomb. 318 00:17:29,950 --> 00:17:32,170 But what about that good review you showed us? 319 00:17:33,110 --> 00:17:35,170 That was the Beaver Falls recycler. 320 00:17:35,650 --> 00:17:40,090 The New York Times said I was an ersatz and a bomb back. And the Washington Post 321 00:17:40,090 --> 00:17:44,050 called you the most unlikely collection of rubes since the Beverly Hillbillies. 322 00:17:44,710 --> 00:17:46,850 I bet Kevin's chest broke. 323 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,320 Now you can go ahead and gloat if that's what you came down here for. 324 00:17:53,620 --> 00:17:56,140 Actually, we came down to wish you luck. 325 00:17:57,600 --> 00:18:01,360 What? It's just we've been so wrapped up about ourselves, we forgot how much 326 00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:02,640 this book really meant to you. 327 00:18:03,180 --> 00:18:04,200 Yeah, and you were right. 328 00:18:04,420 --> 00:18:08,440 Once I got past all the bad stuff Marsha underlined, we actually came off pretty 329 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,140 good. And we appreciate that. 330 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:11,560 Thank you, George. 331 00:18:11,900 --> 00:18:15,380 But now that everyone thinks you broke stinks, that's okay with us, too. 332 00:18:17,710 --> 00:18:20,730 afraid you were going to get real famous and go off to find some other family to 333 00:18:20,730 --> 00:18:21,709 write about. 334 00:18:21,710 --> 00:18:24,590 But now that you're a pathetic has -been, you're probably not going 335 00:18:25,010 --> 00:18:28,850 Thank you, Wesley, for putting it all in perspective. 336 00:18:30,270 --> 00:18:34,010 Sure. So, what do you say, big guy? Why don't you sign one of these for us and 337 00:18:34,010 --> 00:18:35,550 then we'll get the heck out of here. Of course. 338 00:18:36,050 --> 00:18:40,110 You know, if you folks could wait until tomorrow, it will probably be half 339 00:18:40,110 --> 00:18:41,110 price. 340 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:53,700 What's the first part? 341 00:18:58,260 --> 00:18:59,260 Mail call. 342 00:19:00,460 --> 00:19:02,200 What's that? Your cake of the month come already? 343 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,340 My publishers have very kindly returned my journals. 344 00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:08,299 Oh, yeah? 345 00:19:08,300 --> 00:19:09,360 That was nice of them. 346 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:11,740 They sent them postage due. 347 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:15,720 So much for my writing career. 348 00:19:16,260 --> 00:19:20,460 Hey, come on, Belvedere. So your first novel went down the toilet. So what? 349 00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:22,039 I bet Dr. 350 00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:24,000 Seuss' first book went down the flusher, too. 351 00:19:25,220 --> 00:19:27,720 George, Dr. Seuss' first book was The Cat in the Hat. 352 00:19:29,140 --> 00:19:32,060 Oh, yeah? Well, I always thought it was Horton Hears a Who. 353 00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:40,220 Anyway, it's not the book so much anymore. It's just... It's the first 354 00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:41,360 ever failed at something. 355 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:45,360 Oh, that's not true, big guy. What about that diet you went on a few months ago? 356 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:46,640 That was a complete flop. 357 00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:49,120 Thank you, George. 358 00:19:49,590 --> 00:19:52,790 And anyway, the only mistake he really made was writing about us. 359 00:19:53,230 --> 00:19:54,830 Not your fault we're a boring family. 360 00:19:56,230 --> 00:19:57,230 You know something? 361 00:19:57,990 --> 00:19:58,990 You're right. 362 00:19:59,870 --> 00:20:00,870 I feel better. 363 00:20:02,230 --> 00:20:04,150 See you guys. I'm meeting Angela at the mall. 364 00:20:04,550 --> 00:20:05,550 Hey, uh, kitten. 365 00:20:05,990 --> 00:20:08,870 You got a boyfriend in, uh, Kuala Lumpur or something? 366 00:20:09,170 --> 00:20:10,170 Yeah, why? 367 00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:12,670 I got a phone bill here for over $200. 368 00:20:14,170 --> 00:20:17,550 Hey, that's not mine. See, it's his cellular. That must be for Mom's new car 369 00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:18,550 phone. 370 00:20:19,279 --> 00:20:20,460 What car phone? 371 00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:25,080 Owens residence. 372 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:28,880 Oh, hello, Mrs. Owens. We were just talking about you. Give me that. 373 00:20:30,140 --> 00:20:32,160 Marsha, where the hell are you? 374 00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:37,160 I want to see you at home right now, and I... Oh. 375 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:39,520 Okay. 376 00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:43,020 Uh, kitten, you want to go out in the driveway and help your mom bring in the 377 00:20:43,020 --> 00:20:44,020 groceries? 378 00:20:48,550 --> 00:20:49,550 Excuse us. 379 00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:54,210 Hey, look, Marsha, we really got to sit down and talk about that car. 380 00:20:54,710 --> 00:20:58,530 Oh, honey. Look, I promise, as soon as I finish breaking in the engine, I'll let 381 00:20:58,530 --> 00:21:01,370 you drive it. I don't want to drive it. Then what's the problem? 382 00:21:01,570 --> 00:21:04,390 I don't want you to drive it either. I want you to take it back. 383 00:21:05,470 --> 00:21:06,470 Why? 384 00:21:06,590 --> 00:21:09,230 Well, when I bought the Jeep, you made me take that back. 385 00:21:10,210 --> 00:21:13,950 Look, George, if it's the money... It's not the money. Then what is it? 386 00:21:14,330 --> 00:21:16,390 It's just maybe I wanted to buy it for you. 387 00:21:17,710 --> 00:21:20,850 I mean, you've been dreaming about that car as long as I've known you. 388 00:21:21,810 --> 00:21:25,270 I remember we'd be bumping along in that old Pinto we had. 389 00:21:25,810 --> 00:21:28,690 You know, the one with the springs popping through the front seats? 390 00:21:29,390 --> 00:21:32,750 And then one of those 911s would go flying by, and your eyes would light up 391 00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:33,750 a Christmas tree. 392 00:21:34,570 --> 00:21:39,730 I guess maybe... I hope someday I'd be able to surprise you with one. You know, 393 00:21:39,850 --> 00:21:42,950 maybe for our 50th wedding anniversary or something. 394 00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:49,740 George, I'd be 72. 395 00:21:51,340 --> 00:21:53,700 Yeah, but you'd still be able to shift for yourself. 396 00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:57,880 Mom. 397 00:21:57,900 --> 00:21:58,900 Honey, what happened? 398 00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:02,680 Nothing. I was just hitting on one of the other team's cheerleaders. 399 00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:05,400 She didn't tell me she was dating a Susquehanna skunk. 400 00:22:06,780 --> 00:22:08,880 Well, at least you got a piece of tail out of it. 401 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:17,860 Mr. Belvedere will be right back. 402 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,260 Following Mission Impossible. 403 00:22:23,620 --> 00:22:28,520 And as for the Porsche, today George finally got his first fling behind the 404 00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,300 wheel, and possibly his last. 405 00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:32,720 He starts traffic school tomorrow. 406 00:22:33,420 --> 00:22:37,080 Something about exceeding the speed of light in a hospital zone. 407 00:22:37,860 --> 00:22:39,160 And as for me... 408 00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:44,000 This will be my last entry for a while, as I'm still stinging from the rejection 409 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,900 of the American book buying public. 410 00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:51,580 I guess I misjudged the appeal of a book about home and hearth, when all the 411 00:22:51,580 --> 00:22:53,920 people really want is sex and violence. 412 00:22:57,580 --> 00:23:00,120 Maybe I'll try again when Wesley's a teenager. 413 00:23:21,870 --> 00:23:26,630 I'm Forrest Sawyer. Later on Nightline, America's national pastime. A look at 414 00:23:26,630 --> 00:23:30,250 Monday's season opening, after a winter when more news was made off the field 415 00:23:30,250 --> 00:23:31,250 than on it. 416 00:23:31,570 --> 00:23:36,330 Monday at 9, there's love in the air and murder between the sheets. It's a 417 00:23:36,330 --> 00:23:40,130 deadly affair for Columbo on the Monday Mystery Movie.