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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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Peg.
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Bud.
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Would you get the door?
My arms are full.
4
00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:29,316
- Coming.
- Coming.
5
00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:51,114
There's no place like home.
6
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Al, if you're gonna come in,
could you shut the door?
7
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Peg, if you're gonna live here,
could you shut your mouth?
8
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,958
You know, Peg, this dog is chewing
a hole in our budget.
9
00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:06,079
Look at these.
Kibbles, dog biscuits, Liver Snaps.
10
00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:09,710
Well, actually, Al, those are for Mom.
11
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Oh, why didn't you say so?
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Oh, food.
An escape from this hellhole.
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Bud, you're in college.
14
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I mean, you don't go to parties
or get laid or anything...
15
00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,556
...but you did take classes, right?
16
00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:39,718
- Is there a point to this barrage, Dad?
- Is there?
17
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,315
Oh, that's right, you're smart.
18
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Where the hell is
my paycheck going?
19
00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:49,035
Luckily, Dad, I've put all the family
finances right here in this computer.
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You put something I don't have
into something I don't understand.
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You know, that reminds me
of our sex life.
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00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:03,351
That's putting something I have
in something I don't like.
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00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:11,593
Dad, look.
24
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:16,237
Look, here's a list of all the salaries
of all the occupations in the world.
25
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And here is what you make.
26
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That's what I make?
27
00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,069
I'm a paperboy.
28
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Oh, no, Al, paperboys
can afford bicycles.
29
00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:34,671
There must be someone out there
that makes less than I do.
30
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,675
Mom, Dad, Bud.
31
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You'll never guess what I got.
32
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A better game would be
Guess What You Haven't Got.
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I'll take Virginity for $100.
34
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Oh, that's funny. Nobody will take
yours for less than a thousand.
35
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Anyway, I got a part in a TV movie.
36
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Who are you gonna play, honey?
37
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Madame Curie.
38
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To prepare for the part, I thought
I'd get some firsthand experience...
39
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...of what it's like to be Madame.
40
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Does anyone know where there's
a brothel around here?
41
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Well, there's Howie's down by
the airport but--
42
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I mean, Madame Curie's
not a hooker.
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No, she's a famous French chemist
who discovered radium...
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...down by the airport.
45
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Now, what am I gonna do?
46
00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:46,796
I still have to research
Madame Curie...
47
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...but I don't know anything
about "science."
48
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:57,712
Kel, that's science, not "science".
The C is silent.
49
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,358
I knew I should have stayed in...
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...shool.
51
00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:09,751
Look, Bud, you're my manager.
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Please do something to earn
your 75 percent.
53
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Peg, come here.
54
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A Pakistani dirt vendor makes
more than I do.
55
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Yeah, and he probably smells better.
56
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Probably has reason to.
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I got it, Kel. I got it.
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I'll set you up with this scientist
I know at the university.
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All you do,
pretend you're a professor.
60
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Okay, but, I mean, I think I'd make a
more convincing Ginger or Mary Ann...
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...don't you think?
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You must be the new professor.
63
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:54,515
You must be Gilligan. Hi.
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Kelly Bundy at your service.
65
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So Bud tells me you're in aerospace.
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00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,592
Yeah, well...
67
00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:05,878
...it's not rocket science,
but what is?
68
00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:10,114
Right. So what are you
working on now?
69
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:13,677
Well, I just received a grant
from the Crayola company...
70
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...to invent a new color.
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Bleen.
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Bleen?
73
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Is that a mixture of blue and green?
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No, of blood and spleen.
75
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You know, it's for the kids
who wanna draw accidents. Yeah.
76
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Really? You would think that Crayola
would have enough colors already.
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Well, not anymore.
78
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See, they had to get rid
of black and white...
79
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...you know, to be politically correct.
80
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They were gonna mix the two together
and call it blite...
81
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...but the guy who invented grey
back in '74 threatened to sue, so...
82
00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:53,518
All right.
83
00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:54,988
So, what's your field?
84
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,637
- Alchogorentology.
- Oh, right.
85
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What's alchorathincology?
86
00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:05,074
It's a study of that age-old question:
87
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How much booze can a rat drink
before he explodes?
88
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- Kennedy grant?
- Exactly.
89
00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:20,310
Now, this is your
lab station, right here.
90
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Oh, great.
91
00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:25,755
Just like a smaller version
of the one I have at home.
92
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That reminds me.
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Make sure you take all your findings
with you when you leave.
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After all, this is academia.
Thievery runs rampant here.
95
00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:38,149
I think I'm gonna like science.
96
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,914
It's like shopping at the mall.
97
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All right.
98
00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:51,717
Now, here's someone who might
make less than your father.
99
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Eskimo blubber-chewer.
100
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Nope.
101
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Check French deodorant salesman.
102
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Not even close.
103
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Hey, guys.
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Today was my last day at the lab.
105
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:22,157
It's a good thing too, because there
was nothing left to take.
106
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:25,309
But you know what?
I really got into my character.
107
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:27,714
And just like Madame Curie...
108
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...I threw a bunch of cool,
deadly chemicals together...
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...and I invented something.
The color bleen.
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Mom, check brain-dead blond.
111
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They make way more
than your father.
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00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:52,799
Kelly, where exactly
is this color bleen now?
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00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:56,669
Well, since it's a level three
biohazard...
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...I had to put it where nobody
would go.
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So I put it in Dad's shower.
116
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You know, I never thought I'd say it,
but I really enjoyed that shower.
117
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You didn't wash your hair,
did you, Daddy?
118
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:18,594
No, I'm wearing this towel...
119
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...because I wanna get a job
as a New York City cabby.
120
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:27,029
You didn't use the bottle marked
"Bleen," did you?
121
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:28,918
Sure did.
122
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It's great. It tingles.
It's just like the commercial says.
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My whole scalp feels alive.
124
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Honey, when you only bathe once
every two months, your scalp is alive.
125
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Daddy, Bleen is not a shampoo.
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It's a bunch of deadly chemicals
that I mixed together at the lab.
127
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:55,352
It's possible that this tingling you're
feeling could be a massive stroke.
128
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:01,069
Either way, I thank you.
129
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:07,589
I love Bleen.
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What?
131
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:27,992
How do I look?
132
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Jumping Jehoshaphat, I'm a hunk!
133
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:41,672
I'm a dude.
134
00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:44,388
I'm a hunky dude!
135
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,758
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
136
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,516
Wow, Al, you have hair.
137
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:09,069
- How did that happen?
- Who cares?
138
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:12,278
All I know is that Kelly's Bleen
has grown...
139
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:16,075
...what 25 years of you
has withered away.
140
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:21,558
Kelly, man has been seeking
the cure for baldness...
141
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:24,797
...since the invention
of the younger woman.
142
00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:26,632
This may make me rich!
143
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,875
But don't you mean make us rich?
144
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:31,792
No.
145
00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:35,077
Well, it's Kelly's formula,
so I gotta cut her in, of course...
146
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,153
...but the rest of you mean
absolutely nothing to me.
147
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,948
Now, wait a sec, now,
I'm Kelly's manager.
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00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,270
I get 75 percent
of whatever she gets.
149
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:46,040
Kelly, listen very, very carefully
to Daddy.
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00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,629
Number one, Bud is fired.
151
00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:53,430
Number two, do you remember
how to make Bleen?
152
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:56,148
And can you make lots and lots
for Daddy?
153
00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:58,715
- Yeah.
- Oh, sweetheart!
154
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:04,119
If you can make Daddy some Bleen,
I'll buy you an acting career.
155
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:07,153
You'll be the next Tori Spelling.
156
00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:12,108
Okay. But prettier, right?
157
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:17,029
- Hell, Two-Face is prettier.
- Oh, I know.
158
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,232
Sweetheart, if you're going out,
would you get me some mousse...
159
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:23,113
- ...and a scrunchie?
- Okay, Daddy.
160
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:26,239
You won't get away with this, Pop.
I'll sue.
161
00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:28,710
Sue away.
162
00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:31,671
You get in line
behind Sy Sperling...
163
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,997
...and his soon-to-be-defunct
Hair Club for Men.
164
00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:40,792
Because when this comes out,
I'm gonna be one hairy millionaire.
165
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,470
Hey, Al, what about side effects?
166
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:46,553
You know, no one markets
a product without testing it.
167
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,677
Oh, no, Peg?
168
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:50,792
Cigarettes...
169
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:53,990
...Ford Pinto...
170
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:58,112
...that condom I used
on our wedding night.
171
00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:04,117
Read my lips, Peg.
There are no side effects.
172
00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:06,590
Okay, all right.
173
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:09,308
By the way, Peg, you look really good
this afternoon.
174
00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:10,999
Who said that?
175
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:17,476
Al, that is the nicest thing
you've said to me in years.
176
00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:20,109
You know, I have a sudden urge
to take you upstairs...
177
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:22,959
...and have sex with you--
Who said that?
178
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,195
Well, let's go.
179
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:29,318
Wait a second, Peg. Wait,
I better test this Bleen a little bit.
180
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:32,159
Wait a minute, Peg. Wait, wait.
God, you look beautiful.
181
00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:37,434
Who the hell said that?
Oh, my God, somebody shoot me!
182
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:45,919
I now call this meeting of No Ma'am
to order, to announce the results...
183
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:49,715
...of the final tests
of Al Bundy's Bleen.
184
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,914
I mean, Kelly and Al Bundy's Bleen.
185
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:58,551
I now give you my wonderful daughter,
whom I love more than anything.
186
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:00,751
Thank you, Daddy.
187
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:05,836
Now, placebos were given
to the first group, group A.
188
00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:08,514
Things to do:
189
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:09,755
Make will.
190
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:11,916
Cut family out of will.
191
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:13,957
Make tender love to wife,
with lights on.
192
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:15,513
What?
193
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:21,231
Now, as you can see
in the first group...
194
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:24,040
...there's been no hair growth at all.
195
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:27,431
By the way,
what was that placebo we took?
196
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:31,229
Birth control pills.
You're both dismissed.
197
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:38,638
Hey, is it just me, or are your breasts
getting bigger too?
198
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:42,953
No, but I have switched to Lightdays.
199
00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:49,116
Now, everybody in group B
took Bleen.
200
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:57,958
Solid.
201
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:13,110
And the Bleen has worked
in every case.
202
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:15,999
I think the evidence
speaks for itself.
203
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:22,070
Kelly, go inside and alert the media.
204
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:24,714
Particularly those
with receding hairlines.
205
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:26,751
David Brinkley, Willard Scott...
206
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,752
...Barbara Walters.
207
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:37,993
Guys, am I the only one in the Bleen
group who's had this horrible urge...
208
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:41,232
...to do the girlfriend thing
with the wife?
209
00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:43,914
Oh, thank God I'm not alone.
210
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,720
I carried the wife
across the threshold.
211
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,155
I told her that I loved her.
212
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:51,630
I even had foreplay.
213
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:54,315
Hey, so what?
214
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:58,957
Last night I pleasured my ex-wife
and paid her back alimony.
215
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,273
Yeah, well, that's nothing.
216
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:04,038
When I was making love to Marcie...
217
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:06,954
...I was fantasizing about...
218
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,475
- ...Marcie.
- Oh, man, that's sick!
219
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:12,553
Settle, settle. Gentlemen!
220
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:16,758
Gentlemen, we are on the horns
of a dilemma.
221
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:20,629
By marketing Bleen,
we'll make millions.
222
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:22,711
Well, I will.
223
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:27,232
But we'll also be condemning mankind
to a lifetime of lights-on...
224
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:30,830
...bags-off, wife-pleasing sex.
225
00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:33,828
Okay, then it's settled.
We can't sell Bleen.
226
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:37,516
We'd be as hated as the guy
who invented the G-spot.
227
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:42,035
Hey, who was that guy?
228
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,550
I don't know. Kenny G?
229
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:49,230
Al, we gotta do something.
230
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:52,916
I mean, No Ma'am is turning
into Yes Ma'am.
231
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:57,233
He's right. I don't know how many
more times I can sex the ex.
232
00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:00,192
Well...
233
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:03,316
...Kelly invented Bleen...
234
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:05,516
...maybe she can also invent
an antidote.
235
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:07,716
But she's gonna need a guinea pig.
236
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:08,915
No problem.
237
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:10,997
I'll take full responsibility.
238
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,310
A Bundy got you into this...
239
00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:15,152
...a Bundy will get you out.
240
00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:59,674
Okay, Bud, I think I found
the antidote.
241
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:02,115
Are you ready for the last test?
242
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,598
Hell, I'm ready for the last rites.
243
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:11,030
- Go ahead.
- Okay.
244
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:24,196
I want you, Bud.
245
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,478
What for?
246
00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:30,551
It worked! The antidote worked.
It worked. It worked.
247
00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:35,398
There's gotta be someone out there
even more worthless than me.
248
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:38,074
Yeah, well, I'd like to meet him.
249
00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:40,838
Well, here it is, Peg.
250
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,479
Occupation, none.
251
00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:43,869
Skill, none.
252
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:45,314
Use, none.
253
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:50,076
Peg, say hi to Public Loafer
Number 1.
254
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:07,791
How you doing, son? How are you--?
255
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,793
- How are you feeling?
- Oh, just great, Dad.
256
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,156
Yeah, trying to find the cure
for Bleen...
257
00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:17,911
...turned me into a bitter, sexless,
aging loser.
258
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:20,590
I might as well sell women's shoes.
259
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:25,868
Come on, Dad.
260
00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:28,350
You gotta help me.
I can't stay like this forever.
261
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:33,037
Son, I-- Yeah, I mean to tell you
something here.
262
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:36,993
See, son, I--
263
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:39,629
I still have some Bleen.
264
00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:42,235
Yeah, I saved it, you know,
in case your mother...
265
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:46,911
...should accidentally tie herself up to
a railroad track and I'd be single again.
266
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:52,713
But since she'd probably just
derail the train, I--
267
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:57,156
I'm happy to give it to you.
It's upstairs in my shower.
268
00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:00,790
Thanks, Dad. I'll just run up
and go get it.
269
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,516
That Bleen made me so horny...
270
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,877
...I'm gonna rent me 101 Dalmatians.
271
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,549
And I don't mean the movie.
272
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:25,550
Hey, you guys, it's starting.
My Madame Curie is on.
273
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:28,593
- Oh, what channel is it on, honey?
- Fox.
274
00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:31,752
Assume Fox-viewing positions.
275
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:42,279
And now, from the makers of:
276
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:47,600
Buttafuoco: Misunderstood
Family Man or Giant, Fat Sleazoid...?
277
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:49,028
...we proudly present:
278
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:52,789
Madame Curie:
Misunderstood Scientist...
279
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,389
...or Syph-Ridden Whoremonger?
280
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,999
Sailor, is that radium
in your pocket...
281
00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:03,754
...or are you just happy to see me?