1
00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:33,169
Humphrey, why on earth would you want us
to join the euro now?
2
00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:36,084
Prime minister, your summit conference
at Lancaster house,
3
00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:38,322
to solve this terrible financial crisis,
4
00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:41,131
which currently threatens
to engulf the whole of Europe,
5
00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:43,680
has been an abject diplomatic failure.
6
00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:45,489
But joining the euro?
7
00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:48,530
It's going from the frying pan
into the fire!
8
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:52,446
- Look what happened to Greece!
- But the kumranistanis are oil-rich,
9
00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:55,490
and if we become part of their
pipeline project to Europe,
10
00:00:55,560 --> 00:00:59,007
their loan will solve
all of Europe's financial problems.
11
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:01,208
The cost is too high!
12
00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:04,966
This is a shameless scheme, Humphrey,
to get us to join the euro!
13
00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:06,690
But the loan is in Euros!
14
00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:11,844
All I know is I have caught you
red-handed in a devious attempt
15
00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:14,764
to inveigle us into the eurozone
behind my back!
16
00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:16,410
No! Well, yes, but...
17
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:19,241
And you were going to hide it from me
18
00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:21,322
until it was too late
for me to do anything about it!
19
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:25,041
Prime minister, you need this deal.
I did it for you!
20
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:28,729
You must be barking mad!
21
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:30,564
Joining the euro now?
22
00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:33,883
I am trying to save you from yourself.
23
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:37,567
No European central bank.
No euro, or no deal!
24
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:40,007
But the Germans
will have so many objections.
25
00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:42,890
Ten trillion dollars
worth of objections?
26
00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:47,126
I thought not. And you were going
to let them get away with it.
27
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:49,567
It would be the ultimate victory
for brussels.
28
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:55,170
Britain becomes an insignificant outpost
of the collapsing European empire!
29
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,561
Prime minister, if you take another look
at the computer models...
30
00:01:57,640 --> 00:02:01,008
Computer models are what got us into
this financial mess in the first place!
31
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,844
Oh, no, no, no. That's quite different.
32
00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:05,526
Nobody knew that those
computer models in the city
33
00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:07,887
were being given faulty information.
34
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:11,681
Everyone assumed that mortgages
were worth their face value.
35
00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:15,564
But they were worth nothing!
Why didn't anyone know?
36
00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:16,766
Why didn't you know?
37
00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:21,084
Well, everybody thought that everybody
else understood what was going on.
38
00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:23,811
Nobody wanted to admit
that they couldn't make sense of it.
39
00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:27,009
- Why couldn't they?
- Because it didn't make sense.
40
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:29,326
There were some who knew,
41
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:33,485
but the ones who didn't know didn't
believe that the ones who did know knew.
42
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:34,846
Say that again.
43
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:38,286
Prime minister,
nobody wanted to rock the boat
44
00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:41,045
because everybody was making
so much money.
45
00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:45,921
Computer models, Humphrey,
are no different from fashion models.
46
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:49,447
Seductive, unreliable, easily corrupted,
47
00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:52,490
and they lead sensible people
to make fools of themselves!
48
00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:56,763
Because you believed the computer models
about the euro,
49
00:02:56,840 --> 00:03:01,243
you tried to bounce your plan past me
and not tell me until it was too late.
50
00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:02,401
I'm appalled!
51
00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:06,327
I really don't know whether
we can go on working together.
52
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:07,765
Prime minister!
53
00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:11,001
I always thought I could trust you.
54
00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:13,003
You can!
55
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:17,005
Quite frankly,
I am now profoundly suspicious
56
00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:20,084
about this whole kumranistan loan.
57
00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:23,243
I mean, I don't know what else
I don't know. Do you know?
58
00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:28,321
- Do I know what you don't know?
- Yes.
59
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:31,609
Is there anything else I don't know
that I should know?
60
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:35,206
I hardly know where to begin.
61
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:36,970
About this plan!
62
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:38,690
Yes, yes, yes, of course.
Prime minister, look,
63
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:42,560
you know everything you need to know
if you want this loan.
64
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:47,248
If you don't want your premiership
to crash on take-off,
65
00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:49,561
this is the way that it has to be.
66
00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:53,570
Drinks with mr Aitikeev,
the Kumranistani foreign secretary,
67
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,130
are in 5 minutes, prime minister.
68
00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:56,924
Thank you, Bernard.
69
00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:00,049
At least I can believe what you tell me.
70
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,041
Bernard?
71
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:12,968
Did you tell the prime minister about
our possibly joining the euro?
72
00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,486
Absolutely not, sir Humphrey.
You told me not to.
73
00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:17,449
Well, then what put him on to it?
74
00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:19,284
Well, perhaps it was
his special advisor.
75
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:21,283
Oh, that woman.
76
00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:23,806
How did he arrange to get her here
without your knowing?
77
00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:25,882
Well, I expect he called her
on his BlackBerry.
78
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,042
You're not letting him
make his own appointments!
79
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:31,882
If you lose control over his diary,
you lose control over him.
80
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,850
You'll never know where it'll end.
He'll start running the country!
81
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:38,048
He can't! He doesn't know how to.
82
00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:41,408
- Of course he doesn't.
- So what can I do about it?
83
00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:43,881
- Get rid of his BlackBerry, Bernard.
- How?
84
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:47,726
Look, give me yours. And find me
a paper clip and straighten it.
85
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:51,168
Now you take off the back plate,
pull out the battery, thus.
86
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:53,208
Ah, you see that hole, Bernard?
87
00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:55,851
That is the reset button.
88
00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:59,447
Paper clip? Now, you push that, thus.
89
00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:06,285
Right. That, Bernard,
is scrambled for days.
90
00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:09,571
Thank you, sir Humphrey.
91
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:12,491
I had no idea you understood technology.
92
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,887
I understand survival, Bernard.
93
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:17,770
And you can practise
while I am at the dinner.
94
00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:29,688
You don't look very happy, Bernard.
What's the matter?
95
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:31,524
I've just had another wigging
from sir Humphrey.
96
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:34,604
- And what was it about this time?
- I can't really tell you, I'm afraid.
97
00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:36,444
Oh, well,
you'll feel better after dinner.
98
00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,443
I hear the new cook's awfully good.
99
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:41,729
- I can't come to the dinner now.
- Humphrey?
100
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,201
- Why do you put up with it?
- Well, he's my boss.
101
00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:45,964
And I thought
the prime minister was your boss.
102
00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:47,963
Oh, come on, Claire, I know you get it.
103
00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:50,202
- I'm the servant of two masters.
- Yes.
104
00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:53,329
Well, it's not really a problem
when they want the same thing.
105
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:55,402
It's not even a problem
when they want different things.
106
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:58,563
But it is a problem when they want
completely opposite things.
107
00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:02,122
And in that situation, presumably,
the prime minister takes precedence?
108
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:03,531
Well, yes and no.
109
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,487
The prime minister
is only my temporary boss.
110
00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:08,210
Sir Humphrey's my permanent boss.
111
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,601
Well, surely there's a way
of keeping them both happy.
112
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,126
Is there? Do tell me what it is.
...Well...
113
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:15,123
Oh, Claire, there isn't an answer.
114
00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:18,689
The prime minister wants me to help him
score party political points.
115
00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:21,161
Sir Humphrey wants me to be
completely impartial.
116
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:23,368
The prime minister
expects me to cut corners.
117
00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:25,841
Sir Humphrey expects me
to stick to the rules.
118
00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:28,605
The prime minister wants to blame
everything on the bureaucracy.
119
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,967
Sir Humphrey wants to put the blame
on government policy.
120
00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:34,526
I have galloping
professional schizophrenia.
121
00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:39,362
- How do you manage?
- Mostly, I say nothing to both of them.
122
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,404
Very intelligently.
123
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,162
I've got to be two
completely differently people,
124
00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:46,641
and I'm not sure either of me
likes me any more.
125
00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:50,921
- I like you, Bernard.
- Oh, really? That's very kind of you.
126
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,482
- But which one of me do you like?
- Both of you, Bernard.
127
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:59,362
Mr Aitikeev, this is the policy advisor
of the prime minister.
128
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:03,408
I'm Claire Sutton. Welcome.
129
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:19,160
- Prime minister?
- Ah, there you are.
130
00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:21,163
Why are you lurking out here?
131
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,049
- Where' s my speech?
- Speech?
132
00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:26,522
I have to make a speech of welcome
to the Kumranistani foreign secretary.
133
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,841
Why? Why can't you just welcome him?
134
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:33,486
That's what I'm saying.
I want to welcome him. What do I say?
135
00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:35,642
Well, how about, urn, "welcome"?
136
00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:38,841
Fine!
137
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,091
Then what?
138
00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:44,767
Well, propose his health.
But what do I actually say?
139
00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:47,161
Prime minister,
I don't write your speeches, actually.
140
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,720
I'm merely the secretary to the cabinet.
141
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:50,961
Why don't you ask Claire?
142
00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:53,247
Surely soft-soaping
foreigners is her job.
143
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,688
Claire didn't know he was coming.
Neither did I.
144
00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:57,524
You kept it secret, remember?
145
00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:02,721
And now you expect me to welcome
some geezer from central Asia,
146
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:07,522
when the first time I heard of him, or
his country, was exactly 10 minutes ago!
147
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:12,009
Actually, I think it's Bernard's job.
148
00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,162
This is government business, not party.
149
00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:16,561
Well, perhaps Bernard has
drafted something for you.
150
00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:19,325
Well, where is he? Missing in action!
151
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:22,324
I simply can't imagine
why he's not here.
152
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:30,883
Who's that sitting next to Claire?
153
00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:34,965
That's the kumranistan
foreign secretary, mr Aitikeev.
154
00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:38,010
I'm pleased to see
that Claire's entertaining him.
155
00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:51,805
Sorry, prime minister, I didn't realise
you'd want to make a speech.
156
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:53,370
I haven't had time to write one.
157
00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:57,047
Here are some notes
with some information on kumranistan.
158
00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:02,081
- I actually have to go now.
- Why? Where are you going?
159
00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:03,685
Well, sir Humphrey told me to...
160
00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:09,449
- To stay and hear your speech.
- Obviously.
161
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:14,242
Prime minister,
I think this might be the moment,
162
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:17,005
before our guest of honour
gets the worse for wear.
163
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:26,407
Okay.
164
00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:28,961
Well, now...
165
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:33,723
I haven't prepared anything
to say in welcome,
166
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:39,728
but I very much want to welcome
our very welcome guest.
167
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:44,286
Welcome.
168
00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:46,281
Urn...
169
00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:52,570
We celebrate tonight
the long-standing friendship...
170
00:09:55,800 --> 00:10:02,285
Relationship between
our great country and yours.
171
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:10,762
I mean, no, your great country and ours.
172
00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:16,883
Urn, we first came across each other
173
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:22,330
in the early days of the east India
company and the Indian empire.
174
00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:29,606
And, initially, of course,
you were all just wild tribesmen,
175
00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:39,761
who... who we were quite
unable to tame or control.
176
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:45,686
But, in the fullness of time,
we managed to conquer...
177
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:54,529
Not conquer. Not conquer at all.
178
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:56,971
Certainly not!
179
00:10:57,040 --> 00:11:00,362
No, we managed to overcome
180
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:06,325
your magnificent and fierce
spirit of independence.
181
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:09,561
And I'm sure you were
most grateful for that.
182
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:14,801
But then, as part of our empire,
183
00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:19,807
on which the sun never sets,
184
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:26,844
we built your railways
and made the trains run on time.
185
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,487
I wish you could do the same for us now.
186
00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:42,401
Anyway, urn...
187
00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:47,924
We... we went through
some rough patches.
188
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,604
The massacre...
189
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:56,404
And we were not blameless. By no means!
190
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:59,690
But to bring us up to date, urn...
191
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:04,561
You actually had a long spell
under the Soviets,
192
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:10,204
but now we can welcome you to that
great fellowship of democracies...
193
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:15,642
Or at least you could make a start
194
00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:21,647
on the long journey towards
a fully Democratic society.
195
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:26,243
Or whatever society suits you best.
196
00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:30,808
So it gives me great pleasure
197
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:34,726
to propose your health, sir,
to welcome you
198
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:39,761
and to raise a glass in, urn...
199
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,047
Welcome.
200
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:52,881
Dinner went well, I thought.
201
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,402
They liked my speech.
202
00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:59,642
And they really liked
the goulash and dumplings.
203
00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:02,727
Oh, they liked your speech, too.
204
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:05,406
How did you get on
with the Kumranistani foreign secretary?
205
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,289
- Was he friendly?
- Very.
206
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:10,765
- No difficulty understanding him?
- No difficulty at all.
207
00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:15,289
You think, um, he's just a figurehead,
or a really hands-on minister?
208
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,408
Oh, he's hands-on, all right.
209
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:21,962
Well, once he's on board,
we'll just need a few endorsements.
210
00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:24,361
You remember the world economic
forum at davos,
211
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:28,525
that really worked because
Bob Geldof came out in support of it.
212
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:33,083
I know, we're working on that,
and Annie Lennox, and Bono.
213
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,640
Bono? Oh, great!
214
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:41,683
- Hello, Bernard, enjoy dinner?
- Oh, very much, prime minister.
215
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:42,966
[En] 03' my speech?
216
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:45,805
Yes, prime minister.
But the goulash was good.
217
00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:49,409
New cook, apparently.
218
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:52,689
Yes, and in connection with that,
we have a situation.
219
00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:55,684
We've just discovered the cook here
is in the uk illegally.
220
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,726
We have an illegal immigrant
working at chequers?
221
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:02,371
How? What the hell
is the home office doing?
222
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:05,171
I wonder if anyone will ever solve
that perennial riddle.
223
00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:08,809
Plotting to get rid of me,
I should imagine.
224
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:11,406
- The home secretary wants my job.
- They all do.
225
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,484
I'll reshuffle her to the graveyard,
226
00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:17,404
the ministry of culture,
media and sports.
227
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:21,086
You know, I've never understood
the connection between those three.
228
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:24,130
Culture, media and sport?
None of them matter.
229
00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:27,051
What do you want me
to do about this cook?
230
00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:28,201
Where's she from?
231
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:30,886
She wouldn't say, apparently.
But she's got a false eu passport.
232
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:34,089
Well, couldn't we just
rush a visa through for her?
233
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:36,527
Well, I'll try, but if you're right
about the home office,
234
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,170
it could take months.
235
00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:40,720
- I think we'll have to let her go.
- Right.
236
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:43,121
We can't risk the media finding out.
237
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:47,046
"Prime minister
harbours illegal immigrant."
238
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:48,201
How did it come to light?
239
00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:50,487
One of the waiters
mentioned it at dinner.
240
00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:55,411
Somebody's probably
phoned the BBC already.
241
00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:00,841
Yes?
242
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:03,006
It's the BBC.
243
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,205
Yes. Thank you.
244
00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:09,644
That was the press office, actually.
245
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:11,006
BBC television's devoting
246
00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:13,128
its Sunday morning programme
to you, prime minister.
247
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:15,806
- Should I be pleased?
- I fear not.
248
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:19,726
- It'll be called "government in crisis".
- Oh, Christ.
249
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:22,886
They want to interview you about
the rumoured cabinet reshuffle
250
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:24,610
and the deadlock
in the Lancaster house summit.
251
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:26,569
You're not going to do that, Jim.
He's not doing that.
252
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,722
If I could mention the kumranistan loan.
253
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:29,847
You can't.
254
00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:32,571
Not until kumranistan has definitely
signed on the dotted line,
255
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:35,644
and not until this euro business with
the European central bank is sorted out.
256
00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:38,371
Phone them back, pretend to be helpful.
257
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:41,365
Whatever they ask, just give them one of
258
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,329
the replies in the red binder
by the phone.
259
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:46,051
- Oh, I haven't seen this before.
- Supplied by the press office.
260
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:48,566
At my suggestion.
I worked on it with them.
261
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:49,766
Right.
262
00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:55,409
Yes, Robin Simpson, please.
263
00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:57,966
This is Robin Simpson.
264
00:15:58,320 --> 00:15:59,401
It's Bernard Woolley,
265
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:01,687
the prime minister's
principal private secretary.
266
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:05,129
Unfortunately, the prime minister
can't speak to you at the moment.
267
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,521
But, uh, how can I help?
268
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:11,802
Well, it seems he's losing the support
of his cabinet and his backbenchers.
269
00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:12,961
Number 3.
270
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:18,881
The prime minister is not interested
in westminster tittle-tattle.
271
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:22,722
He has the full support
of his colleagues and his party
272
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:24,962
on all matters of substance.
273
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:26,481
I see.
274
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:28,369
But has the prime minister
thought of resigning,
275
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:30,408
in the interest of party unity?
276
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:32,847
Are you seriously asking me that?
277
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:34,486
Number 4.
278
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:40,362
The prime minister was elected to do
a job and he intends to get on with it.
279
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:45,569
It will mean tough decisions,
but that's what the country expects,
280
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:48,211
and that's what he's going to do.
281
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:49,406
Next?
282
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:51,448
But what about the awful state
of the economy?
283
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:52,760
- Number 1!
- Number 1!
284
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:59,449
This isn't a British crisis,
it's a world crisis.
285
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,691
Many countries are worse affected
than we are.
286
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:06,242
We intend to play our part
within the community.
287
00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:08,687
But what exactly is he doing about it?
288
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:10,285
Two? Two!
289
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:11,521
Number two.
290
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:17,362
The government will do
everything that needs to be done.
291
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:19,408
He will not flinch from his duty
292
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:23,007
and a statement will be made
when the time is ripe.
293
00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:26,209
Why do you think the European
financial summit has got nowhere?
294
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:29,846
I don't think that.
295
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:31,046
- Five.
- What?
296
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:33,168
- Five!
- Is the prime minister there?
297
00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:38,406
Uh, no, that's just the, uh,
TV you can hear. Sorry.
298
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:42,363
The prime minister was elected
to do a job, and...
299
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:44,283
Oh, no, I've done that one already.
300
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:53,722
The meeting/conference
has certainly not been a failure.
301
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:55,723
There has been
invaluable groundwork done
302
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:59,327
and a blueprint is being drawn up
for the next phase.
303
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:01,289
Rome wasn't built in a day.
304
00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:03,681
Oh, thank you.
305
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:05,285
What are you thanking her for?
306
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:07,488
She says I've been thoroughly unhelpful.
307
00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:12,242
Well done, Bernard.
Well done, both of you.
308
00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:14,561
How happy is the prime minister
about his future?
309
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:17,883
He's as happy as a rat-catcher
on a rubbish dump.
310
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,200
The prime minister is as happy
311
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:22,409
as an environmental health officer
on a civic amenities site.
312
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:31,449
I hate the BBC!
313
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:33,928
It's like having two oppositions,
314
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:37,129
one at westminster,
and the other at broadcasting house.
315
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:40,486
Yes?
316
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,250
Ah, miss Simpson again.
317
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:44,726
What kind of leak?
318
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:48,287
- About joining the euro?
- No! No!
319
00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:51,443
No, the prime minister
knows nothing about this.
320
00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:54,490
Britain's position on the euro
remains unchanged.
321
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:56,005
Come on, let's get online.
322
00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:59,084
No, I can't explain the markets!
Who can?
323
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:02,685
My BlackBerry
doesn't seem to be working.
324
00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:05,650
Mine is. Oh, this is interesting.
325
00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:07,324
"The rumours about joining the euro
326
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:11,291
started after heavy buying of Euros
by golding brothers bank."
327
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:12,600
- Funny.
- Why?
328
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:15,445
Well, Humphrey has a directorship
lined up there when he retires.
329
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:17,568
He's out of control!
330
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:20,689
- It might have been somebody else.
- Who else knew?
331
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,046
Even I didn't know!
332
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:25,246
Shall I get sir Humphrey?
333
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:27,641
If there's been
heavy buying of the euro,
334
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:30,849
that would explain today's
heavy selling of the pound.
335
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,524
I must do something!
336
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,085
I may be able to help.
337
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,640
Well, I've been doing some research
into some of this.
338
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:47,200
- We've had that paper ready for a while.
- What paper?
339
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:48,850
"Reform of the civil service,
340
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:50,251
- "root and branch."
- What?
341
00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:53,642
Bernard, things are about
to change round here.
342
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:57,645
We started to curb the mps,
now we must deal with the civil service.
343
00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:00,366
Humphrey has tried
to bounce us into Europe
344
00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,920
and feather his nest
by briefing that bank!
345
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,162
I have got to get him under control!
346
00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,322
He's an over-mighty subject.
347
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,368
Well, actually he's the queen's subject,
not yours.
348
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:12,205
- You're just the prime minister...
- Yes, I know who I am, Bernard!
349
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,210
Claire, this latest outrage by Humphrey
350
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:18,124
is just one more example
of the corruption
351
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:19,929
of those who think
they are above the law.
352
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:22,246
Ah.
353
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:25,041
- Hello, Humphrey.
- We were just talking about you.
354
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:30,047
Ah, prime minister, the director general
of the BBC is here to see you.
355
00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:32,083
It's in your diary, prime minister.
356
00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:35,050
- What does he want?
- More money, I expect.
357
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:36,929
Isn't that what the BBC always wants?
358
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:40,322
Well, maybe we could manage it
359
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:45,122
if we brought in a civil service
reform bill straight away.
360
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,771
- What?
- Reform of the civil service, Humphrey,
361
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:52,763
- root and branch.
- What, what, what, what?
362
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,764
What has this got to do with the BBC?
363
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,411
Well, saving money on the civil service
364
00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:00,960
would release more money for the beeb.
365
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:02,724
Ah, well,
366
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:05,167
I would advise against a
precipitate approach to the
367
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:07,607
reform of the civil service,
prime minister, or the BBC,
368
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,921
which is a magnificent organisation.
369
00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:14,051
It is the Rolls-Royce of broadcasting.
This all needs mature deliberation,
370
00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:17,806
- extensive consultation...
- Okay, okay, so the alternative
371
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:21,680
is if we could really save
money on the BBC,
372
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:25,481
then the civil service reform bill
wouldn't be so urgent.
373
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:29,531
What do you think?
I know you love the BBC.
374
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:34,163
I think it would be rather
courageous, prime minister.
375
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:35,287
Would it?
376
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:37,610
No, actually, it wouldn't.
377
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:39,444
I'm not falling for that any more.
It would not!
378
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:43,881
It would not be courageous,
it would merely be controversial.
379
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:46,488
In fact,
it might even win me some votes,
380
00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:48,961
putting some cash back into
the voters' pockets.
381
00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:52,683
So, we're all agreed,
more cuts for the beeb,
382
00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:55,684
and we put civil service reform
on the back burner.
383
00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:56,807
Urn...
384
00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:59,645
Glad to have your loyal
support, Humphrey.
385
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:02,370
Show the dg in.
386
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:07,881
Jeremy, do come in.
387
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:09,451
Ah, the director general,
prime minister.
388
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:11,363
Jeremy! 'Jim
389
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:14,171
- drinkie? I am on scotch.
- No, fine, thanks.
390
00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:16,851
I'm afraid we're a bit rushed,
but do sit down.
391
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:20,447
I'm glad you're here,
I would like to take the opportunity
392
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:22,249
to talk about that TV programme.
393
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:23,806
- What programme?
- The programme you're running
394
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:26,121
- on Sunday rubbishing me.
- Are we?
395
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:29,283
Oh, yes! Please let's not play games.
396
00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:32,006
Look it's not about you specifically,
397
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:34,686
it's part of a broad, measured look
at the state of the nation.
398
00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:35,966
Rubbishing me, in fact.
399
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:38,725
No, no. Fair, balanced, responsible.
400
00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:41,528
Humphrey, come on.
401
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:42,647
Um, Jeremy...
402
00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:44,131
Uh...
403
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:49,245
Perhaps you're not aware
of the extent of this financial crisis.
404
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:52,085
Anything that destabilises
britain at this juncture
405
00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:54,242
would be grossly irresponsible.
406
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:57,529
Obviously, we don't want
to "destabilise britain," as you put it,
407
00:22:57,600 --> 00:22:59,887
but we're not the government
information service, either.
408
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:03,050
We have a duty to reflect
all shades of opinion.
409
00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:05,885
We're journalists. Our job to keep
the public fully informed.
410
00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:08,122
Why don't you postpone the programme?
411
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:11,249
At least until after the outcome
of the Lancaster house summit is clear?
412
00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:16,167
I hope you're not putting
political pressure on the BBC.
413
00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:19,369
Political pressure! Good heavens, no!
414
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:22,802
Oh, that would be most
improper, I'm not even political.
415
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:24,962
Just a humble civil servant.
416
00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:30,405
And we truly value the
independence of the BBC.
417
00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:34,530
I am glad to hear it, but we can't
possibly postpone at such short notice.
418
00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:36,728
And I can't interfere with content.
419
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:38,165
I am only the director general.
420
00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:41,161
Oh, I see.
421
00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:44,210
Besides, the producers
would smell a rat.
422
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:46,362
- And they'd leak it.
- Um, just to clarify,
423
00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:48,807
a rat can leak,
but you can't leak a rat.
424
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,725
Thank you, Bernard, most helpful.
425
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:56,841
So, the BBC's smug
and self-satisfied pundits
426
00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:59,685
are going ahead
with their biased and scurrilous attack
427
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:01,285
on the democratically
elected government.
428
00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:03,761
- Got that, Bernard?
- "...Democratically elected government".
429
00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:06,320
No, our team of professional
journalists are going ahead with their
430
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:09,643
fair and balanced review
of the current political situation.
431
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:11,006
Got that, Bernard?
432
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:14,448
Well, let me...
Let me stop you right there because
433
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:18,127
Humphrey's just come up
with a really interesting idea,
434
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:20,328
- haven't you, Humphrey?
- I, urn...
435
00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:25,006
He says that in these
straightened times,
436
00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:29,244
making even more cuts in expenditure
will be necessary.
437
00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:32,690
Impossible. We've already cut
to the bone, there's no more we can do.
438
00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:36,890
Humphrey says we could sell
your digital channels,
439
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:41,568
your websites, BBC two, three, four,
440
00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:44,007
five, six, seven, eight, nine.
441
00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:47,368
- All the radio stations.
- Except radio 4.
442
00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:51,923
BBC work/wide, BBC publications,
443
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:55,163
- BBC symphony...
- And the other four orchestras.
444
00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:58,847
And then we could cut the license fee
445
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:00,524
- by 80%.
- Eight...
446
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:03,522
That would be such a relief for you.
447
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:06,087
Humphrey, you always said...
448
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:09,164
No, I am... I'm a great supporter
of the BBC, it's just...
449
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:12,608
But you were saying they were
overstretched, weren't you?
450
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:15,286
Oh, Jeremy.
451
00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:20,531
Yeah, well, in normal circumstances,
naturally, this would be
452
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:23,649
an entirely different ball game,
but, well... yes.
453
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:26,929
If the nation is under
extreme fiscal and monetary pressure,
454
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,889
it could become necessary, inter alia,
455
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:31,566
to consider measures which under
different economic conditions
456
00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:32,926
would not have been desirable.
457
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,923
I couldn't have put it better myself.
458
00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:38,404
And Humphrey pointed out that only about
459
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:43,725
35 to 45 hours a week
on the BBC is original
460
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:45,643
and distinctive programming.
461
00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:49,247
So you could get all that onto
one channel, easily.
462
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,721
That's what Humphrey's proposing.
463
00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:55,006
We'll be able to keep all of your
quality programmes
464
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:58,004
and the world service, of course.
465
00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:01,004
And all your financial problems
will be solved.
466
00:26:01,360 --> 00:26:02,521
That's a monstrous idea.
467
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:05,365
The BBC is the great bulwark
of civilised values
468
00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:06,646
against the tide of commercialism.
469
00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:08,961
It is a beacon of world broadcasting...
470
00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:11,611
It's a beacon of repeats,
Hollywood movies,
471
00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:14,604
bought-in programmes
and bought-in sporting events!
472
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:18,162
Most of what you show on the BBC
is no different from what people get on
473
00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:20,846
subscription channels,
commercial channels, pay-TV.
474
00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:22,604
You can't possibly compare a great
475
00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:25,411
public broadcasting service
with tacky commercial output.
476
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:28,324
You can compare the programmes,
cookery programmes,
477
00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:30,971
makeovers, quizzes, game shows!
478
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:32,166
It's cultural vandalism.
479
00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:34,083
- Why?
- Radio 3.
480
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:35,241
Classical music.
481
00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:38,005
It's readily available everywhere.
482
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:44,727
And you'd be free at last
to focus on quality!
483
00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:47,730
And forget about the apprentice,
484
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:49,330
the weakest link,
485
00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:51,841
addicted to boob jobs!
486
00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:56,371
Help, my dog is as fat as me!
487
00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:01,209
And all that junk that so obviously
488
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:03,647
doesn't need to be paid for
by the taxpayer!
489
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:05,007
It's quality entertainment.
490
00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:08,485
It's optical chewing gum!
491
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:09,641
Humphrey!
492
00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:11,245
Well, Jeremy...
493
00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:14,807
You know,
I yield to no one in my admin...
494
00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:16,006
What... what do you say...
495
00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:18,128
At the end of the day...
Other things being equal...
496
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:19,929
Mutatis mutandis,
in the fullness of time...
497
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:22,480
The cabinet
would never back you on this.
498
00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:26,963
Actually, that is the one thing
they would definitely back me on.
499
00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:29,169
When we go on the BBC,
500
00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:34,121
your presenters just jeer and sneer
at all of us.
501
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:36,123
Posturing opportunists
502
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:38,646
who've never had
to take responsibility for anything!
503
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:40,326
Anyway,
504
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:43,251
we'll study your comments on this,
but I think,
505
00:27:43,360 --> 00:27:46,091
uh, Humphrey's basic idea
is pretty sound.
506
00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:47,605
So, I will wait to hear from you.
507
00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:48,727
You certainly will.
508
00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:50,848
Oh, incidentally,
509
00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:54,684
just to change the subject,
510
00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:58,048
if I were to give a live
511
00:27:58,120 --> 00:28:01,283
interview in the programme on Sunday,
512
00:28:01,360 --> 00:28:03,124
- from chequers...
- Live?
513
00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:05,202
Are you quite sure, prime minister?
514
00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:08,563
So they can't edit what I say,
515
00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:12,964
I would feel that the BBC
was at least trying to be fair,
516
00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:16,328
especially if the interview
was the last item,
517
00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:18,164
so I could answer all the points.
518
00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:21,248
I don't see why we can't manage that.
519
00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:23,166
I'll have a word.
520
00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:24,487
Thank you for your time.
521
00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:26,085
Thank you, prime minister.
522
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:36,130
He won't cancel the programme,
523
00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:38,965
but they'll give me the live interview
at the end of it.
524
00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:42,647
I really do admire your courage,
prime minister.
525
00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:43,801
Oh, God.
526
00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:47,129
Have I been courageous?
527
00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:52,284
Prime minister, you are now committed
528
00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:55,603
to a live interview on the
top political programme of the week
529
00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:58,650
without any idea of how you're
going to explain away
530
00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:00,882
any of the current crises.
531
00:29:01,080 --> 00:29:02,161
What will I say?
532
00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:04,647
Goodbye.
533
00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:07,844
Are you serious?
534
00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:09,565
Yes, prime minister.