1
00:00:11,040 --> 00:00:12,320
CATTLE GRID RATTLES

2
00:00:12,320 --> 00:00:13,480
Shit!

3
00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:17,120
ENGINE SPUTTERS

4
00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,400
ENGINE STOPS

5
00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:31,440
Now, then, I shall need this van
moved immediately.

6
00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:34,680
Yeah, sorry. I think I must have hit
something on the cattle grid.

7
00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:37,880
I can't have a smoking vehicle
on the driveway.

8
00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:39,280
And you are?

9
00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:43,720
Sorry. I'm the cleaner. I'm Wicky.
The police sent me.

10
00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:46,440
Very good. Now, first things first,

11
00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:48,440
take this round
to the garage at the back.

12
00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:50,520
I think I'm going to have to get
the roadside assistance out

13
00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:51,760
or something, you know?

14
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,000
After I've signed up for one
and pretended it's just happened.

15
00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:55,400
You know what I'm...

16
00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:58,320
No. There's no need! Jibbers will
take care of it for you.

17
00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:01,600
He's quite capable. He's looked
after all our cars for years.

18
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,520
Oh. I'll take the van round
to Jibbers.

19
00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:06,040
Sorry, you are...?

20
00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:10,920
I'm Mrs Barton. The housekeeper.

21
00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:13,720
You run this whole place?!

22
00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:15,760
Oh, yes.
You don't look old enough.

23
00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:17,520
I took over from my mother,

24
00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:21,920
and I can assure you that I follow
her same exacting standards.

25
00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:24,280
Well, I'm sure she feels very proud.

26
00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:25,640
She feels nothing at all.

27
00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:28,520
Her neck was snapped
when she fell from a stallion.

28
00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:30,480
Now, the job itself is over here.

29
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,920
Blimey. Someone took a tumble.

30
00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:51,280
The estate agent.

31
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:54,560
Ah, the old bad suit
and pointy shoe brigade, eh?

32
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:59,280
Mm-hm. Clumsy oaf fell
out of a window during a valuation.

33
00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:01,280
He's quite dead, of course.

34
00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:03,080
Of course. Poor thing.

35
00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:07,640
Hey, how much is the place, then?
I'm looking for a weekend gaff.

36
00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:10,920
He was conducting a valuation
for tax purposes only.

37
00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:12,760
Rosewood Hall is not for sale.

38
00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:14,160
Madam, fear not.

39
00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,280
I was recently told
I had insufficient funds

40
00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:18,000
when I attempted to purchase...

41
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:20,560
..bacon.

42
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:21,920
Oh, you were joking.

43
00:02:21,920 --> 00:02:24,040
Well, Lady Rice-Phillips
will not share your humour -

44
00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:26,120
she has very little time
for tradesmen.

45
00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:27,880
Oh.

46
00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:30,560
Hey, I've never met a lady
of the manor before. Is she in?

47
00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:33,960
She's returning tonight
after vacationing in Provence.

48
00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:37,280
We are having a very
distinguished guest to dinner.  Hm!

49
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:40,120
I presume you'll need water,
so I'll bring a bucket out.

50
00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:41,160
M'lady.

51
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:45,160
You'll enjoy elevenses?

52
00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:47,280
Will I?
Hot scones, tea, fresh cream.

53
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:49,760
Then I shall enjoy elevenses
very much!

54
00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:51,640
I shan't refuse tenses.

55
00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:53,560
I'm not going to knock nineses
out of your hand.

56
00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:55,800
Right, I'll have Tippy
bring it out to you.

57
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:57,960
Now, pay no heed to her shyness,

58
00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:01,520
I fear the girl was kicked
in the head by a horse as an infant.

59
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,080
Then Tippy and I
will get on famously.

60
00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,560
A pony once tried
to bite my tit off.

61
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:11,240
I'll take the van rounds to Jibbers.

62
00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:25,600
Jibbers?

63
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:31,520
HE COUGHS

64
00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:39,880
OK, Mr Estate Agent,
let's get you cleaned up.

65
00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:46,240
Why do they wear these pointy shoes?

66
00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:22,480
Oh!

67
00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:23,800
Are you Tippy?

68
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:25,080
Ye...yes, sir.

69
00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:27,960
Can't stop -
Cook needs me in t'kitchen.

70
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,960
Bye-bye! Enjoy your scone!

71
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:32,680
Bloody hell.

72
00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:36,040
That's not a scone, Tippy,
it's eczema.

73
00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:37,200
HE GAGS

74
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:49,680
OFF-Oi, where have you been?

75
00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:54,160
I'm sorry, Cook. Mrs Barton
wanted me to take scones to the man.

76
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,360
Mrs Barton will be first to complain

77
00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:59,320
if there's not food
on t'table tonight.

78
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:02,760
So get yourself over to that soup
and keep it moving,

79
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,320
cos if it burns
it'll all be for t'sink.

80
00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:06,640
Yes, Cook.
CLATTERING

81
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,640
And concentrate, girl!

82
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:11,160
You've the attention span
of a bloody moth.

83
00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:12,840
Poor little moth girl!
SIZZLING

84
00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:15,880
Ow! You burned my hand on the ladle!

85
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:17,000
HE GASPS

86
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:18,560
Cook's a monster!

87
00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:21,680
You get out my kitchen,
you great big wobble.

88
00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:24,520
You're mean to me!
WHIMPERING

89
00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:26,720
Hey! You get back here!

90
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:29,800
Hello?

91
00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:33,280
I just needed some water.

92
00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,280
Huh. Guess I'll get it myself, then.

93
00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,600
OFF-Oh, I've heard
all about your prize cow, John,

94
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:51,160
but it's rabbits for dinner
Cook needs.

95
00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:55,640
We have very important mouths
to feed, as well you know.

96
00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:57,760
No, listen! John!

97
00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:01,400
I've been waiting to hear
the sound of a gunshot all morning.

98
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:03,960
Yes, I hear
what you're saying but...

99
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,080
SHE CLICKS HER FINGERS

100
00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:09,120
Don't start blabbering on about
what a good shot you are, man.

101
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,480
You've the wrong audience for that.

102
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,440
Save that for
your cross-eyed friends at the pub.

103
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:13,760
Thank you!

104
00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:17,200
Oh, John Church, our gamekeeper,
spends his days murdering wildlife

105
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:19,400
except for when
I actually need him to.

106
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,400
Oh! He sounds delightful.

107
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:23,280
How far off are you?
I'm nearly done.

108
00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:25,000
I just need to get
the blood off the windowsill

109
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:26,920
upstairs in the bedroom...  NO!

110
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,080
No?

111
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:30,880
That is her ladyship's
personal bedroom

112
00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:33,280
and she wouldn't thank me
for sending a man in there

113
00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:34,960
to snoop around in it.

114
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,320
Good day.

115
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:37,480
Oh!

116
00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:40,160
Oh, OK.

117
00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:43,400
If you're looking
for an emotional goodbye,

118
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:45,680
then I'm afraid
you've come to the wrong place.

119
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:48,640
I didn't shed so much as a tear
when my own father died.

120
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:50,600
Or my mother.

121
00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:53,080
She was a brutal woman
and he was a drunk.

122
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:55,720
Good day.

123
00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:09,800
HE SIGHS

124
00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:18,120
CLANGING

125
00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:19,600
ENGINE FIZZES AND HISSES

126
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:22,200
Bleeding hell!
Who gave this an MOT?!

127
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:25,000
CLANGING
The state of this.

128
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:27,160
What the hell?!  Bastard!

129
00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:30,080
Jibbers! What have you done?
It's ruined!

130
00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:31,520
Oh! Get lost!

131
00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,600
Tell me to get lost,
you've wrecked my van!

132
00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:34,680
Get lost!

133
00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:38,240
Well, the Ricey lady is paying for
this! I'll tell you that much! So...

134
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,000
Right...

135
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,280
Right, Jibbers has totally f...

136
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,600
SCRAPING AND HEAVY FOOTSTEPS

137
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:09,600
Hello?

138
00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:17,840
WIND WHISTLES

139
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:31,760
Eh? I thought she was on holiday.

140
00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:37,480
Fu...

141
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,280
You shouldn't
ought to be in here.

142
00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:57,680
Tippy?

143
00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:13,480
Now, I'm supposed to be
in the kitchen preparing the rabbit.

144
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:16,800
Holy shit!

145
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,280
You're...

146
00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:20,120
..and...

147
00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:24,440
This is Lady Rice-Phillips's
personal chambers.

148
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:27,400
And Mrs Barton says
that being in here

149
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:31,800
is like sniffing a ladies
undergarments. It's private!

150
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:33,640
Oh. Well, that's fine...

151
00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:39,000
..because I've finished my work now
and I'm going to go.

152
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:42,480
Cos my girlfriend's taking me to

153
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:44,960
a beeeeef...

154
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:47,920
A beef? What's a beef?

155
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:51,400
You  know the beef...dance?

156
00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:52,520
A beef dance?

157
00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:54,280
Yeah, it's....

158
00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:56,000
Now, how will you get home?

159
00:09:56,000 --> 00:10:00,480
Jibbers told me that he's having
terrible trouble with your car.

160
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:03,200
He said,
"All its guts have come out."

161
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,040
Aw.
HE CHUCKLES

162
00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:06,320
I'm going to walk.

163
00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:08,560
It's 13 miles
to the nearest town, you know.

164
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:09,840
Oh, bollocks. Is it?

165
00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:13,840
Oh, yes. I do it every Thursday
to get spices and whatnot for Cook

166
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,440
and I have to do toilet in a hedge.

167
00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:17,880
Oh.

168
00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:20,840
They don't take you in the car, no?

169
00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:22,200
The one in the garage?

170
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:27,480
No, no. Mrs Barton said that
the big car is just for Lady Rice.

171
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,400
Jibbers keeps the keys
safe in his garage.

172
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:33,440
Well, I'm going to walk
and do toilet in a hedge. Bye.

173
00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:38,240
Now, Mrs Barton will want to
check your work before you leave,

174
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:42,640
and she has very exacting standards.

175
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:47,160
Yeah.

176
00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:48,840
I know.

177
00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:51,760
And that's why she's not going to be
very pleased with you.

178
00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:54,560
What?

179
00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:57,120
Look at the state of that...

180
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,120
..bed?

181
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:02,760
What, why?

182
00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:05,520
Oh, the corners aren't turned down.
Oh, no.

183
00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,480
Oh, no.  Oh, I'm sorry.

184
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:09,720
I won't tell her, though.  Sorry.

185
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:29,200
Whoa.

186
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,320
Where would Jibbers keep keys?

187
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:40,280
Look behind the curtain, Dorothy!
There is no Jibbers!

188
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:46,960
Ah! Jibbers, you imaginary prick.

189
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:27,360
My name is John Church
and while I'm gamekeeper here,

190
00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:30,480
no thief
will leave the grounds alive.

191
00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:32,280
Shit in my hand!

192
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:36,000
I was only borrowing it.

193
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,320
I was going to bring it back.

194
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:40,240
Yeah? And if crows can nest
in Buckingham Palace,

195
00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:41,880
they'd eat pearl instead of seed.

196
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,800
Oh, yeah, cos that makes sense,
doesn't it? You sick fuck!

197
00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:50,440
Right, down.

198
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:52,640
Now, Mrs Barton will not take kindly

199
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:55,320
to there being a common thief
in the grounds.

200
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:58,400
Look, I don't know
what's going on here.

201
00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:03,840
You save it! She'll deal with you
when she's good and ready.

202
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:06,040
Or I will.

203
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,600
THEY GRUNT

204
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:11,680
THEY CHUCKLE

205
00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:13,040
THEY GIGGLE

206
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:23,200
HE TAPS THE SWITCHHOOK

207
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,720
Gah! Of course it's dead.

208
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:37,240
Argh! Argh!

209
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:43,200
Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh!

210
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:46,600
Damn you, Burger King!

211
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,680
Damn you to hell!

212
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:49,800
Ugh!

213
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,440
What'll happen to
him, Mrs Barton?

214
00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:56,040
I don't think he meant any harm.

215
00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:57,720
Oh, turned your head, did he?

216
00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:00,360
You'd do well to take this
as a life lesson, young lady.

217
00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:03,200
Or would you like to end up
heavily pregnant? Hmm?

218
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:06,280
The spawn of an outsized hoodlum
growing within you?

219
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:08,480
She couldn't care for a littl'un!

220
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,560
She's had only brains
she were born with

221
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,560
hoofed from her head by Mr Pickles.

222
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:15,280
Why's she always
so mean to me?

223
00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:17,240
Lady Rice-Phillips
is due any time

224
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:20,040
and she does not want to witness
two northern cats brawling,

225
00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:22,440
especially with
Lord Palmeston's visit.

226
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:23,520
DOOR OPENS

227
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,200
Well, well, well.

228
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:31,520
This is quite the state of affairs,
isn't it?

229
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:32,760
You're telling me!

230
00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:35,720
Look, I was only borrowing the car!

231
00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:37,840
And it was wrong, I'm sorry.

232
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:39,560
OK? Let me go. I'll walk home

233
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:42,000
and I will never come back,
all right?

234
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:45,440
You just be thankful I didn't let
John Church dispense justice!

235
00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:49,360
Yes, I suppose I should be thankful
that I'm not being held captive

236
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:52,880
by someone
who's howling fucking mad!

237
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:54,320
Huh! You...!

238
00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:57,040
Now, you pay no attention to him,
John.

239
00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:59,560
The criminal mind
is a cauldron of rage.

240
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:05,600
I'll happily deal with him, ma'am.

241
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:07,080
No, no, no, no, no.

242
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,600
There's no need
for extreme measures, John.

243
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:11,160
Not yet, anyway.

244
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:17,720
She's here, she's here! Woo!

245
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:25,760
Let me out!

246
00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:28,640
Let me out, you fucking nutter!

247
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:29,680
Eurgh!

248
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:31,000
Lady Rice-Phillips,

249
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:33,240
may I be the first to
welcome you back to Rosewood Hall.

250
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:37,120
LADY RICE-Ah. I take it
Viscount Palmeston has confirmed?

251
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:39,040
Oh, yes, indeed, ma'am.

252
00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:42,280
LADY RICE-Good.
We have matters to discuss.

253
00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:43,600
BANGING ON DOOR

254
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:49,120
What is all this fuss
in here? I don't have time for...

255
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:54,280
Good day to you.

256
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:59,360
Where did you get that hat?

257
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:01,680
Where did I get my own hat?

258
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:03,600
Why, from, er...

259
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:05,040
..from my own home!

260
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,200
From your home?

261
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:14,400
Do you not recognise me, Mrs Barton?

262
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:19,080
It has been a few years,
but I would have thought that...

263
00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:25,040
..Viscount Palmeston
would not be a total stranger.

264
00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:32,200
SHE GASPS

265
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:36,560
Ooh,  Meirion!

266
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:37,720
Meirion?!

267
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:40,480
That's my first name?!

268
00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:41,760
Yeah, er...

269
00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:46,520
Yes, it is I - Meirion.

270
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,920
But what were you doing in there?

271
00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:01,040
We had a petty criminal locked in!

272
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:04,360
Yes, I saw the braggard
leap through the window.

273
00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:09,080
Naturally, I followed through to see
if he had stolen any antiquities.

274
00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:11,640
Through the window?!
That seems impossible.

275
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:13,440
He was grossly overweight.

276
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,720
He was perhaps a little rotund.

277
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:19,640
Oh, Meirion, he was grotesque.

278
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:21,720
Hugely tall, but terribly unfit.

279
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:23,040
He can't have gone far.

280
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,760
Well, you say that,
but I did see him run away

281
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:27,600
and he was fair
like an Olympic sprinter,

282
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:30,680
so perhaps one shouldn't be
quite so quick to judge.

283
00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:32,840
He really was... He was quite fast.

284
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:35,760
The important thing is you're here.

285
00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:38,680
Lady Rice is so looking forward
to seeing you.

286
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:41,240
Yes, I just need to pop to my car.

287
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:43,520
But, why?

288
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,680
I wish to get my pipe.

289
00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:51,680
You don't smoke a pipe, Meirion.

290
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:54,040
No. No, I don't.

291
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:57,520
It is not a smoking pipe
I wish to get, it is...

292
00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:00,240
..a horn.  A horn?!

293
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:01,880
Yes.

294
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:06,000
An alpine horn
from my travels in the...

295
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:07,360
..Alpine.

296
00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:09,640
I shall be playing
for Lady Rice, so...

297
00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:12,040
Oh, wow. You're very cultured!
DOOR RATTLES

298
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:15,880
But I'm afraid for your safety I've
locked all the doors and windows.

299
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:17,960
What? Why?!

300
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:21,640
Oh, yes, and Tippy took
the cad's phone, so he will return,

301
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:24,360
but John Church
will take care of him.

302
00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:27,440
He's been told to maim on sight.

303
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,840
Now, the Lady
will be down imminently.

304
00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:32,960
Wait till you see what Cook's done.

305
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,920
She's made your favourite -

306
00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:36,520
battered rabbit.

307
00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:41,080
The fuck?!

308
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:44,280
Seriously, I really would like
to speak to Tippy, if I may?

309
00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:45,760
BELL TINKLES

310
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:48,480
Oh! The lady is ready!

311
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:50,760
Now, I hear that you two

312
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:54,560
have matters of great importance
to discuss!

313
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:57,040
Yes, but before you go,
before you go,

314
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,400
I would just like to speak to Tippy.

315
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,000
Heed my cry!

316
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,440
HEED MY CRY!

317
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:04,920
HE GRUNTS

318
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:12,360
HE WHIMPERS

319
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:19,880
OFF-Distinguished guests,
Rosewood Hall is delighted

320
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:24,240
for you to welcome your host
for this most special of evenings -

321
00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:26,120
Lady Rice-Phillips.

322
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:31,720
Duo Des Fleurs
by Leo Delibes

323
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:35,040
Oh, my fucking God.

324
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:54,400
Oh, Meirion.

325
00:19:54,400 --> 00:20:00,440
France was so cold without you there
to warm our spirits.

326
00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,960
SHE GIGGLES

327
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:04,640
Look!

328
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:07,160
We really have got to talk.

329
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,080
You know fine well, Meirion,

330
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,960
that we have matters of great
importance to discuss,

331
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:16,680
but not in front of the staff.

332
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:21,320
No, they do not share
our intellectual capabilities.

333
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:24,560
Now, you must be famished.

334
00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:26,000
I shouldn't ruin the surprise,

335
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,360
but I've heard that cook
has prepared...

336
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,680
Yeah, she's battered
a fucking rabbit. I've seen it.

337
00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:33,680
Oh! Naughty Merion!

338
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:36,840
Shall we?

339
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:42,440
All right. You want to get crazy?

340
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:43,920
Let's get crazy.

341
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:45,960
Oh!

342
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,640
Duo Des Fleurs
by Leo Delibes

343
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:13,800
Oh, Meirion, what is that scent?

344
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:16,920
You smell as divine as ever.

345
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:19,640
It's a mixture of Lynx and fear.

346
00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:24,000
Oh.  Look, what do you want?

347
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:26,520
Oh, Meirion.

348
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:28,880
It shames me to say this but...

349
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:32,720
..I am bankrupted.

350
00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:37,320
I need your help
to save my beloved Rosewood Hall.

351
00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:40,640
Now, what I want is a union

352
00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:43,280
betwixt our two great houses.

353
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:46,880
I've only got a flat.

354
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:48,600
And it's rented!

355
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:52,840
You're right, my darling,
of course you are.

356
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:55,760
Our fortunes are misaligned.

357
00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:56,800
Oh.

358
00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:02,960
So I can shoot, can I?
If that's, er...

359
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:04,400
..cool?

360
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:06,400
I'll, er...

361
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:07,920
I'll pop off.

362
00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:11,480
Yes, you're right.

363
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:13,720
This isn't about money.

364
00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:18,240
This is about love.

365
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:19,720
RECORD STOPS

366
00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:20,760
What?!

367
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:25,000
CROCKERY CLATTERS

368
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:29,720
Argh!

369
00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:31,480
Hey!

370
00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:34,400
Argh!  Forgive me, I was foolish.

371
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:37,520
I should never have spoke of money!

372
00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:41,480
Take me, fill me up
as you did in Marrakech.

373
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:43,240
Tippy! Tippy!

374
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:45,960
Plunder my garden, Meirion.

375
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:47,800
Argh! Tippy!

376
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:51,520
Take me! Oh, it's like mahogany.

377
00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:53,280
TIPPPPPYYYY!

378
00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:01,720
Begging your pardon,
M'lady,

379
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,640
I-I just wondered if I could
speak to the gentleman?

380
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:09,760
AS LADY RICE-
Well, this is highly irregular.

381
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:14,520
Oh, I'm sorry, your ladyship.

382
00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:20,000
AS LADY RICE-
Well, be quick, child!

383
00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:24,520
Come here!

384
00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:30,240
Tippy, what the hell's going on?

385
00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:33,840
I know you're not Lord Palmeston.

386
00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:37,000
You're in grave danger.

387
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,920
But there's been enough death
in this house already.

388
00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:41,760
I can't let it go on.

389
00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:43,800
Tippy, get my phone!

390
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:47,000
OK. I'll get it.

391
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:49,120
You dance with the lady.

392
00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:51,000
Yeah. Good girl.

393
00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:58,760
HE HUMS

394
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:01,720
DOOR CLOSES

395
00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:05,680
What the f...!

396
00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:08,400
LADY RICE-
Tippy, what are you doing?

397
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:11,800
Get thee back here, lass, and
I'll put thee hands in t'toaster.

398
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:14,680
Is that what you want, girl,
toasted hands?

399
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:16,840
Let the girl in, I say!

400
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:22,200
Argh!

401
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:28,640
Get back in there, you swine!

402
00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:32,720
Lady Rice, we have an impostor
in our midst!

403
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:37,120
AS LADY RICE-
Whatever do you mean, Church?

404
00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:40,840
This is not Viscount Palmeston!

405
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:46,400
AS LADY RICE-
Ah! Well, who the hell are you?

406
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:49,560
This villain has fooled us all!

407
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:51,400
I'm very sorry,
your ladyship,

408
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:53,920
but his disguise was flawless.

409
00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:56,760
Please! Put the gun down.

410
00:24:56,760 --> 00:25:00,400
EAST-I say, we do him.
Here and now!

411
00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:01,520
Who the hell are you?

412
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:03,280
Jibbers, that's not helpful.

413
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:04,880
Jibbers, you've got a fucking nerve.

414
00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:07,360
Don't use that kind
of language in front of her ladyship

415
00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:10,200
or I'll blow that dirty mouth
clean off.

416
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:13,080
Your ladyship, I
think that might be the best option.

417
00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:16,120
AS LADY RICE-Yes,
Mrs Barton, I fear you may be right.

418
00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:18,160
Oh, I can't watch!

419
00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:19,200
Watch what?

420
00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:22,480
Please!

421
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:23,720
Put the gun down.

422
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:26,840
No! I can help!
I can help all of you!

423
00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:28,680
It's a trick!

424
00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:30,480
Just finish him.

425
00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:31,600
Tippy!

426
00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:33,440
Just get on with it, Church!

427
00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:34,800
Tippy, Tippy, come back!

428
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:36,680
AS LADY RICE-
Just get on with it, man!

429
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:38,200
No, please! Tippy!

430
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:40,120
I'm trying!

431
00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:41,360
AS LADY RICE-Tippy!

432
00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:44,520
I don't know what to do.

433
00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:47,000
Tippy! Come back!

434
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:49,840
OH, NO! NO!

435
00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:52,840
HE GASPS

436
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:56,360
Oh...

437
00:25:56,360 --> 00:25:58,080
Tippy, thank God.

438
00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:02,080
There is no Tippy!

439
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:05,440
There is no anyone.

440
00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:08,760
Well...

441
00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:10,560
..I dread to ask who you are.

442
00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:13,520
I'm Sue.

443
00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:21,040
SHE SIGHS

444
00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:30,760
Did you call them, then? The police?

445
00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:32,520
I had to.

446
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,160
How did you end up here?

447
00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:36,520
The house?

448
00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:37,560
Yeah.

449
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,200
It was on my post round.

450
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:44,120
I used to deliver here all the time

451
00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:47,440
But how did you end up living here?

452
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:49,040
Knew this place was empty.

453
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:53,560
I just thought that it would be
good for a while. You know?

454
00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:55,640
Just till I got myself together.

455
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,840
But, to be honest,
just watched too much Downton.

456
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:08,800
What happened,
with the estate agent? Did you...?

457
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:12,240
I'll have to tell them.

458
00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:18,880
SHE INHALES SHAKILY

459
00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:21,600
I couldn't let him
sell it.

460
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:24,280
I've got nowhere else to go.

461
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:25,880
I know people.

462
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:30,160
They'll give you a nice new house.

463
00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:33,360
They'll let you help in the kitchen.

464
00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:34,760
SHE GASPS

465
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:36,520
Will I make battered rabbit?

466
00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:41,280
Maybe.

467
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:48,120
POLICE SIREN CHIRPS

468
00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:03,000
CAR DOOR CLOSES

469
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:12,600
PHONE BUZZES

470
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:16,640
All right?  Did you get the pin?
Yeah.

471
00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:17,960
Just come and get me.

472
00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:20,520
Nothing's wrong.
The van's just broken down.

473
00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:22,800
Yeah, all right, Ruth,
I was taken hostage.

474
00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:24,560
Yes, again! She had a gun.

475
00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:26,400
No, a real one this time.

476
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:27,840
Are you laughing?

477
00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:29,520
Just come and get me, will you?